Isthishowyoukeepyourpromiseofblindobedience？"
"WhatcanIdo，Marguerite？IloveyoutoomuchandIamjealousoftheleastofyourthoughts。Whatyouproposedtomejustnowmademefranticwithdelight，butthemysteryinitscarryingouthurtsmedreadfully。"
"Come，letusreasonitout，"shesaid，takingbothmyhandsandlookingatmewithacharmingsmilewhichitwasimpossibletoresist，"Youloveme，doyounot？andyouwouldgladlyspendtwoorthreemonthsalonewithmeinthecountry？Itooshouldbegladofthissolitudeadeux，andnotonlygladofit，butmyhealthrequiresit。IcannotleaveParisforsuchalengthoftimewithoutputtingmyaffairsinorder，andtheaffairsofawomanlikemearealwaysingreatconfusion；well，Ihavefoundawaytoreconcileeverything，mymoneyaffairsandmyloveforyou；yes，foryou，don'tlaugh；Iamsillyenoughtoloveyou！
Andhereyouaretakinglordlyairsandtalkingbigwords。Child，thricechild，onlyrememberthatIloveyou，anddon'tletanythingdisturbyou。Now，isitagreed？"
"Iagreetoallyouwish，asyouknow。"
"Then，inlessthanamonth'stimeweshallbeinsomevillage，walkingbytheriverside，anddrinkingmilk。DoesitseemstrangethatMargueriteGautiershouldspeaktoyoulikethat？
Thefactis，myfriend，thatwhenthisParislife，whichseemstomakemesohappy，doesn'tburnme，itweariesme，andthenIhavesuddenaspirationstowardacalmerexistencewhichmightrecallmychildhood。Onehasalwayshadachildhood，whateveronebecomes。Don'tbealarmed；IamnotgoingtotellyouthatIamthedaughterofacolonelonhalf-pay，andthatIwasbroughtupatSaint-Denis。Iamapoorcountrygirl，andsixyearsagoI
couldnotwritemyownname。Youarerelieved，aren'tyou？WhyisityouarethefirstwhomIhaveeveraskedtosharethejoyofthisdesireofmine？IsupposebecauseIfeelthatyoulovemeformyselfandnotforyourself，whilealltheothershaveonlylovedmeforthemselves。
"Ihaveoftenbeeninthecountry，butneverasIshouldliketogothere。Icountonyouforthiseasyhappiness；donotbeunkind，letmehaveit。Saythistoyourself：'Shewillneverlivetobeold，andIshouldsomedaybesorryfornothavingdoneforherthefirstthingsheaskedofme，suchaneasythingtodo！'"
WhatcouldIreplytosuchwords，especiallywiththememoryofafirstnightoflove，andintheexpectationofasecond？
AnhourlaterIheldMargueriteinmyarms，and，ifshehadaskedmetocommitacrime，Iwouldhaveobeyedher。
AtsixinthemorningIlefther，andbeforeleavingherIsaid：
"Tillto-night！"Shekissedmemorewarmlythanever，butsaidnothing。
DuringthedayIreceivedanotecontainingthesewords：
"DEARCHILD：Iamnotverywell，andthedoctorhasorderedquiet。Ishallgotobedearlyto-nightandshallnotseeyou。
But，tomakeup，Ishallexpectyouto-morrowattwelve。Iloveyou。"
Myfirstthoughtwas：Sheisdeceivingme！
Acoldsweatbrokeoutonmyforehead，forIalreadylovedthiswomantoomuchnottobeoverwhelmedbythesuspicion。Andyet，I
wasboundtoexpectsuchathingalmostanydaywithMarguerite，andithadhappenedtomeoftenenoughwithmyothermistresses，withoutmytakingmuchnoticeofit。Whatwasthemeaningoftheholdwhichthiswomanhadtakenuponmylife？
Thenitoccurredtome，sinceIhadthekey，togoandseeherasusual。InthiswayIshouldsoonknowthetruth，andifIfoundamanthereIwouldstrikehimintheface。
MeanwhileIwenttotheChamps-Elysees。Iwaitedtherefourhours。Shedidnotappear。AtnightIwentintoallthetheatreswhereshewasaccustomedtogo。Shewasinnoneofthem。
Ateleveno'clockIwenttotheRued'Antin。TherewasnolightinMarguerite'swindows。Allthesame，Irang。TheporteraskedmewhereIwasgoing。
"ToMlle。Gautier's，"Isaid。
"Shehasnotcomein。"
"Iwillgoupandwaitforher。"
"Thereisnoonethere。"
EvidentlyIcouldgetin，sinceIhadthekey，but，fearingfoolishscandal，Iwentaway。OnlyIdidnotreturnhome；Icouldnotleavethestreet，andInevertookmyeyesoffMarguerite'shouse。Itseemedtomethattherewasstillsomethingtobefoundout，oratleastthatmysuspicionswereabouttobeconfirmed。
AboutmidnightacarriagethatIknewwellstoppedbeforeNo。9。
TheComtedeG。gotdownandenteredthehouse，aftersendingawaythecarriage。ForamomentIhopedthatthesameanswerwouldbegiventohimastome，andthatIshouldseehimcomeout；butatfouro'clockinthemorningIwasstillawaitinghim。
Ihavesuffereddeeplyduringtheselastthreeweeks，butthatisnothing，Ithink，incomparisonwithwhatIsufferedthatnight。
Chapter14
WhenIreachedhomeIbegantocrylikeachild。Thereisnomantowhomawomanhasnotbeenunfaithful，onceatleast，andwhowillnotknowwhatIsuffered。
Isaidtomyself，undertheweightofthesefeverishresolutionswhichonealwaysfeelsasifonehadtheforcetocarryout，thatImustbreakwithmyamouratonce，andIwaitedimpatientlyfordaylightinordertosetoutforthwithtorejoinmyfatherandmysister，ofwhoseloveatleastIwascertain，andcertainthatthatlovewouldneverbebetrayed。
However，IdidnotwishtogoawaywithoutlettingMargueriteknowwhyIwent。Onlyamanwhoreallycaresnomoreforhismistressleavesherwithoutwritingtoher。Imadeandremadetwentylettersinmyhead。Ihadhadtodowithawomanlikeallotherwomenofthekind。Ihadbeenpoetizingtoomuch。Shehadtreatedmelikeaschool-boy，shehadusedindeceivingmeatrickwhichwasinsultinglysimple。Myself-esteemgottheupperhand。Imustleavethiswomanwithoutgivingherthesatisfactionofknowingthatshehadmademesuffer，andthisiswhatIwrotetoherinmymosteleganthandwritingandwithtearsofrageandsorrowinmyeyes：
"MYDEARMARGUERITE：Ihopethatyourindispositionyesterdaywasnotserious。Icame，atelevenatnight，toaskafteryou，andwastoldthatyouhadnotcomein。M。deG。wasmorefortunate，forhepresentedhimselfshortlyafterward，andatfourinthemorninghehadnotleft。
"ForgivemeforthefewtedioushoursthatIhavegivenyou，andbeassuredthatIshallneverforgetthehappymomentswhichI
owetoyou。
"Ishouldhavecalledto-daytoaskafteryou，butIintendgoingbacktomyfather's。
"Good-bye，mydearMarguerite。IamnotrichenoughtoloveyouasIwouldnorpoorenoughtoloveyouasyouwould。Letusthenforget，youanamewhichmustbeindifferentenoughtoyou，Iahappinesswhichhasbecomeimpossible。
"Isendbackyourkey，whichIhaveneverused，andwhichmightbeusefultoyou，ifyouareoftenillasyouwereyesterday。"
Asyouwillsee，Iwasunabletoendmyletterwithoutatouchofimpertinentirony，whichprovedhowmuchinloveIstillwas。
Ireadandrereadthislettertentimesover；thenthethoughtofthepainitwouldgivetoMargueritecalmedmealittle。Itriedtopersuademyselfofthefeelingswhichitprofessed；andwhenmyservantcametomyroomateighto'clock，Igaveittohimandtoldhimtotakeitatonce。
"ShallIwaitforananswer？"askedJoseph（myservant，likeallservants，wascalledJoseph）。
"Iftheyaskwhetherthereisareply，youwillsaythatyoudon'tknow，andwait。"
Ibuoyedmyselfupwiththehopethatshewouldreply。Poor，feeblecreaturesthatweare！AllthetimethatmyservantwasawayIwasinastateofextremeagitation。AtonemomentIwouldrecallhowMargueritehadgivenherselftome，andaskmyselfbywhatrightIwroteheranimpertinentletter，whenshecouldreplythatitwasnotM。deG。whosupplantedme，butIwhohadsupplantedM。deG。：amodeofreasoningwhichpermitsmanywomentohavemanylovers。AtanothermomentIwouldrecallherpromises，andendeavourtoconvincemyselfthatmyletterwasonlytoogentle，andthattherewerenotexpressionsforcibleenoughtopunishawomanwholaughedatalovelikemine。ThenI
saidtomyselfthatIshouldhavedonebetternottohavewrittentoher，buttohavegonetoseeher，andthatthenIshouldhavehadthepleasureofseeingthetearsthatshewouldshed。
Finally，Iaskedmyselfwhatshewouldreplytome；alreadypreparedtobelievewhateverexcuseshemade。
Josephreturned。
"Well？"Isaidtohim。
"Sir，"saidhe，"madamewasnotup，andstillasleep，butassoonassheringstheletterwillbetakentoher，andifthereisanyreplyitwillbesent。"
Shewasasleep！
TwentytimesIwasonthepointofsendingtogettheletterback，buteverytimeIsaidtomyself："Perhapsshewillhavegotitalready，anditwouldlookasifIhaverepentedofsendingit。"
Asthehouratwhichitseemedlikelythatshewouldreplycamenearer，IregrettedmoreandmorethatIhadwritten。Theclockstruck，ten，eleven，twelve。AttwelveIwasonthepointofkeepingtheappointmentasifnothinghadhappened。IntheendI
couldseenowayoutofthecircleoffirewhichcloseduponme。
ThenIbegantobelieve，withthesuperstitionwhichpeoplehavewhentheyarewaiting，thatifIwentoutforalittlewhile，I
shouldfindananswerwhenIgotback。Iwentoutunderthepretextofgoingtolunch。
InsteadoflunchingattheCafeFoy，atthecorneroftheBoulevard，asIusuallydid，IpreferredtogotothePalaisRoyalandsopassthroughtheRued'Antin。EverytimethatIsawawomanatadistance，IfancieditwasNaninebringingmeananswer。IpassedthroughtheRued'Antinwithoutevencomingacrossacommissionaire。IwenttoVery'sinthePalaisRoyal。
Thewaitergavemesomethingtoeat，orratherserveduptomewhateverheliked，forIatenothing。Inspiteofmyself，myeyeswereconstantlyfixedontheclock。Ireturnedhome，certainthatIshouldfindaletterfromMarguerite。
Theporterhadreceivednothing，butIstillhopedinmyservant。
HehadseennoonesinceIwentout。
IfMargueritehadbeengoingtoanswermeshewouldhaveansweredlongbefore。
ThenIbegantoregretthetermsofmyletter；Ishouldhavesaidabsolutelynothing，andthatwouldundoubtedlyhavearousedhersuspicions，for，findingthatIdidnotkeepmyappointment，shewouldhaveinquiredthereasonofmyabsence，andonlythenI
shouldhavegivenittoher。Thus，shewouldhavehadtoexculpateherself，andwhatIwantedwasforhertoexculpateherself。IalreadyrealizedthatIshouldhavebelievedwhateverreasonsshehadgivenme，andanythingwasbetterthannottoseeheragain。
AtlastIbegantobelievethatshewouldcometoseemeherself；
buthourfollowedhour，andshedidnotcome。
DecidedlyMargueritewasnotlikeotherwomen，fortherearefewwhowouldhavereceivedsuchaletterasIhadjustwrittenwithoutansweringitatall。
Atfive，IhastenedtotheChamps-Elysees。"IfImeether，"I
thought，"Iwillputonanindifferentair，andshewillbeconvincedthatInolongerthinkabouther。"
AsIturnedthecorneroftheRueRoyale，Isawherpassinhercarriage。ThemeetingwassosuddenthatIturnedpale。Idonotknowifshesawmyemotion；asforme，IwassoagitatedthatI
sawnothingbutthecarriage。
IdidnotgoanyfartherinthedirectionoftheChamps-Elysees。
Ilookedattheadvertisementsofthetheatres，forIhadstillachanceofseeingher。TherewasafirstnightatthePalaisRoyal。Margueritewassuretobethere。Iwasatthetheatrebyseven。Theboxesfilledoneafteranother，butMargueritewasnotthere。IleftthePalaisRoyalandwenttoallthetheatreswhereshewasmostoftentobeseen：totheVaudeville，theVarietes，theOperaComique。Shewasnowhere。
Eithermyletterhadtroubledhertoomuchforhertocaretogotothetheatre，orshefearedtocomeacrossme，andsowishedtoavoidanexplanation。Somyvanitywaswhisperingtomeontheboulevards，whenImetGaston，whoaskedmewhereIhadbeen。
"AtthePalaisRoyal。"
"AndIattheOpera，"saidhe；"Iexpectedtoseeyouthere。"
"Why？"
"BecauseMargueritewasthere。"
"Ah，shewasthere？"
"Yes。
"Alone？"
"No；withanotherwoman。"
"Thatall？"
"TheComtedeG。cametoherboxforaninstant；butshewentoffwiththeduke。Iexpectedtoseeyoueverymoment，fortherewasastallatmysidewhichremainedemptythewholeevening，andI
wassureyouhadtakenit。"
"ButwhyshouldIgowhereMargueritegoes？"
"Becauseyouareherlover，surely！"
"Whotoldyouthat？"
"Prudence，whomImetyesterday。Igiveyoumycongratulations，mydearfellow；sheisacharmingmistress，anditisn'teverybodywhohasthechance。Sticktoher；shewilldoyoucredit。"
ThesesimplereflectionsofGastonshowedmehowabsurdhadbeenmysusceptibilities。IfIhadonlymethimthenightbeforeandhehadspokentomelikethat，IshouldcertainlynothavewrittenthefoolishletterwhichIhadwritten。
IwasonthepointofcallingonPrudence，andofsendinghertotellMargueritethatIwantedtospeaktoher；butIfearedthatshewouldrevengeherselfonmebysayingthatshecouldnotseeme，andIreturnedhome，afterpassingthroughtheRued'Antin。
AgainIaskedmyporteriftherewasaletterforme。Nothing！
SheiswaitingtoseeifIshalltakesomefreshstep，andifI
retractmyletterofto-day，IsaidtomyselfasIwenttobed；
but，seeingthatIdonotwrite，shewillwritetometo-morrow。
Thatnight，morethanever，IreproachedmyselfforwhatIhaddone。Iwasalone，unabletosleep，devouredbyrestlessnessandjealousy，whenbysimplylettingthingstaketheirnaturalcourseIshouldhavebeenwithMarguerite，hearingthedeliciouswordswhichIhadheardonlytwice，andwhichmademyearsburninmysolitude。
Themostfrightfulpartofthesituationwasthatmyjudgmentwasagainstme；asamatteroffact，everythingwenttoprovethatMargueritelovedme。First，herproposaltospendthesummerwithmeinthecountry，thenthecertaintythattherewasnoreasonwhysheshouldbemymistress，sincemyincomewasinsufficientforherneedsandevenforhercaprices。Therecouldnotthenhavebeenonherpartanythingbutthehopeoffindinginmeasincereaffection，abletogiveherrestfromthemercenarylovesinwhosemidstshelived；andontheveryseconddayIhaddestroyedthishope，andpaidbyimpertinentironyforthelovewhichIhadacceptedduringtwonights。WhatIhaddonewasthereforenotmerelyridiculous，itwasindelicate。Ihadnotevenpaidthewoman，thatImighthavesomerighttofindfaultwithher；withdrawingaftertwodays，wasInotlikeaparasiteoflove，afraidofhavingtopaythebillofthebanquet？What！I
hadonlyknownMargueriteforthirty-sixhours；Ihadbeenherloverforonlytwenty-four；andinsteadofbeingtoohappythatsheshouldgrantmeallthatshedid，Iwantedtohaveheralltomyself，andtomakeherseveratonestrokeallherpastrelationswhichweretherevenueofherfuture。WhathadItoreproachinher？Nothing。Shehadwrittentosayshewasunwell，whenshemighthavesaidtomequitecrudely，withthehideousfranknessofcertainwomen，thatshehadtoseealover；and，insteadofbelievingherletter，insteadofgoingtoanystreetinParisexcepttheRued'Antin，insteadofspendingtheeveningwithmyfriends，andpresentingmyselfnextdayattheappointedhour，IwasactingtheOthello，spyinguponher，andthinkingtopunishherbyseeinghernomore。But，onthecontrary，sheoughttobeenchantedatthisseparation。Sheoughttofindmesupremelyfoolish，andhersilencewasnoteventhatofrancour；
itwascontempt。
ImighthavemadeMargueriteapresentwhichwouldleavenodoubtastomygenerosityandpermitmetofeelproperlyquitsofher，asofakeptwoman，butIshouldhavefeltthatIwasoffendingbytheleastappearanceoftrafficking，ifnotthelovewhichshehadforme，atalleventsthelovewhichIhadforher，andsincethislovewassopurethatitcouldadmitnodivision，itcouldnotpaybyapresent，howevergenerous，thehappinessthatithadreceived，howevershortthathappinesshadbeen。
ThatiswhatIsaidtomyselfallnightlong，andwhatIwaseverymomentpreparedtogoandsaytoMarguerite。WhenthedaydawnedIwasstillsleepless。Iwasinafever。IcouldthinkofnothingbutMarguerite。
Asyoucanimagine，itwastimetotakeadecidedstep，andfinisheitherwiththewomanorwithone'sscruples，if，thatis，shewouldstillbewillingtoseeme。Butyouknowwell，oneisalwaysslowintakingadecidedstep；so，unabletoremainwithindoorsandnotdaringtocallonMarguerite，Imadeoneattemptinherdirection，anattemptthatIcouldalwayslookuponasamerechanceifitsucceeded。
Itwasnineo'clock，andIwentatoncetocalluponPrudence，whoaskedtowhatsheowedthisearlyvisit。Idarednottellherfranklywhatbroughtme。IrepliedthatIhadgoneoutearlyinordertoreserveaplaceinthediligenceforC。，wheremyfatherlived。
"Youarefortunate，"shesaid，"inbeingabletogetawayfromParisinthisfineweather。"
IlookedatPrudence，askingmyselfwhethershewaslaughingatme，butherfacewasquiteserious。
"Shallyougoandsaygood-byetoMarguerite？"shecontinued，asseriouslyasbefore。
"No。"
"Youarequiteright。"
"Youthinkso？"
"Naturally。Sinceyouhavebrokenwithher，whyshouldyouseeheragain？"
"Youknowitisbrokenoff？"
"Sheshowedmeyourletter。"
"Whatdidshesayaboutit？"
"Shesaid：'MydearPrudence，yourprotegeisnotpolite；onethinkssuchletters，onedoesnotwritethem。"'
"Inwhattonedidshesaythat？"
"Laughingly，andsheadded："Hehashadsupperwithmetwice，andhasn'tevencalled。"'
That，then，wastheeffectproducedbymyletterandmyjealousy。
Iwascruellyhumiliatedinthevanityofmyaffection。
"Whatdidshedolastnight？"
"Shewenttotheopera。"
"Iknow。Andafterward？"
"Shehadsupperathome。"
"Alone？"
"WiththeComtedeG。，Ibelieve。"
Somybreakingwithherhadnotchangedoneofherhabits。Itisforsuchreasonsasthisthatcertainpeoplesaytoyou：Don'thaveanythingmoretodowiththewoman；shecaresnothingaboutyou。
"Well，IamverygladtofindthatMargueritedoesnotputherselfoutforme，"Isaidwithaforcedsmile。
"Shehasverygoodreasonnotto。Youhavedonewhatyouwereboundtodo。Youhavebeenmorereasonablethanshe，forshewasreallyinlovewithyou；shedidnothingbuttalkofyou。Idon'tknowwhatshewouldnothavebeencapableofdoing。"
"Whyhasn'tsheansweredme，ifshewasinlovewithme？"
"Becausesherealizesshewasmistakeninlettingherselfloveyou。Womensometimesallowyoutobeunfaithfultotheirlove；
theyneverallowyoutowoundtheirself-esteem；andonealwayswoundstheself-esteemofawomanwhen，twodaysafteronehasbecomeherlover，oneleavesher，nomatterforwhatreason。I
knowMarguerite；shewoulddiesoonerthanreply。"
"WhatcanIdo，then？"
"Nothing。Shewillforgetyou，youwillforgether，andneitherwillhaveanyreproachtomakeagainsttheother。"
"ButifIwriteandaskherforgiveness？"
"Don'tdothat，forshewouldforgiveyou。"
IcouldhaveflungmyarmsroundPrudence'sneck。
AquarterofanhourlaterIwasoncemoreinmyownquarters，andIwrotetoMarguerite：
"Someone，whorepentsofaletterthathewroteyesterdayandwhowillleaveParisto-morrowifyoudonotforgivehim，wishestoknowatwhathourhemightlayhisrepentanceatyourfeet。
"Whencanhefindyoualone？for，youknow，confessionsmustbemadewithoutwitnesses。"
Ifoldedthiskindofmadrigalinprose，andsentitbyJoseph，whohandedittoMargueriteherself；sherepliedthatshewouldsendtheanswerlater。
Ionlywentouttohaveahastydinner，andatelevenintheeveningnoreplyhadcome。Imadeupmymindtoendureitnolonger，andtosetoutnextday。Inconsequenceofthisresolution，andconvincedthatIshouldnotsleepifIwenttobed，Ibegantopackupmythings。
Chapter15
ItwashardlyanhourafterJosephandIhadbegunpreparingformydeparture，whentherewasaviolentringatthedoor。
"ShallIgotothedoor？"saidJoseph。
"Go，"Isaid，askingmyselfwhoitcouldbeatsuchanhour，andnotdaringtobelievethatitwasMarguerite。
"Sir，"saidJosephcomingbacktome，"itistwoladies。"
"Itiswe，Armand，"criedavoicethatIrecognisedasthatofPrudence。
Icameoutofmyroom。Prudencewasstandinglookingaroundtheplace；Marguerite，seatedonthesofa，wasmeditating。Iwenttoher，kneltdown，tookhertwohands，and，deeplymoved，saidtoher，"Pardon。"
Shekissedmeontheforehead，andsaid：
"ThisisthethirdtimethatIhaveforgivenyou。"
"Ishouldhavegoneawayto-morrow。"
"Howcanmyvisitchangeyourplans？IhavenotcometohinderyoufromleavingParis。IhavecomebecauseIhadnotimetoansweryouduringtheday，andIdidnotwishtoletyouthinkthatIwasangrywithyou。Prudencedidn'twantmetocome；shesaidthatImightbeintheway。"
"Youintheway，Marguerite！Buthow？"
"Well，youmighthavehadawomanhere，"saidPrudence，"anditwouldhardlyhavebeenamusingforhertoseetwomorearrive。"
DuringthisremarkMargueritelookedatmeattentively。
"MydearPrudence，"Ianswered，"youdonotknowwhatyouaresaying。"
"Whataniceplaceyou'vegot！"Prudencewenton。"Mayweseethebedroom？"
"Yes。"
Prudencewentintothebedroom，notsomuchtoseeitastomakeupforthefoolishthingwhichshehadjustsaid，andtoleaveMargueriteandmealone。
"WhydidyoubringPrudence？"Iaskedher。
"Becauseshewasatthetheatrewithme，andbecausewhenIleavehereIwanttohavesomeonetoseemehome。"
"CouldnotIdo？"
"Yes，but，besidesnotwishingtoputyouout，Iwassurethatifyoucameasfarasmydooryouwouldwanttocomeup，andasI
couldnotletyou，Ididnotwishtoletyougoawayblamingmeforsaying'No。'"
"Andwhycouldyounotletmecomeup？"
"BecauseIamwatched，andtheleastsuspicionmightdomethegreatestharm。"
"Isthatreallytheonlyreason？"
"Iftherewereanyother，Iwouldtellyou；forwearenottohaveanysecretsfromoneanothernow。"
"Come，Marguerite，IamnotgoingtotakearoundaboutwayofsayingwhatIreallywanttosay。Honestly，doyoucareformealittle？"
"Agreatdeal。"
"Thenwhydidyoudeceiveme？"
"Myfriend，ifIweretheDuchessSoandSo，ifIhadtwohundredthousandfrancsayear，andifIwereyourmistressandhadanotherlover，youwouldhavetherighttoaskme；butIamMlle。
MargueriteGautier，Iamfortythousandfrancsindebt，Ihavenotapennyofmyown，andIspendahundredthousandfrancsayear。Yourquestionbecomesunnecessaryandmyansweruseless。"
"Youareright，"Isaid，lettingmyheadsinkonherknees；"butIloveyoumadly。"
"Well，myfriend，youmusteitherlovemealittlelessorunderstandmealittlebetter。Yourlettergavemeagreatdealofpain。IfIhadbeenfree，firstofallIwouldnothaveseenthecountthedaybeforeyesterday，or，ifIhad，Ishouldhavecomeandaskedyourforgivenessasyouaskmenow，andinfutureIshouldhavehadnootherloverbutyou。IfanciedforamomentthatImightgivemyselfthathappinessforsixmonths；youwouldnothaveit；youinsistedonknowingthemeans。Well，goodheavens，themeanswereeasyenoughtoguess！InemployingthemI
wasmakingagreatersacrificeforyouthanyouimagine。Imighthavesaidtoyou，'Iwanttwentythousandfrancs'；youwereinlovewithmeandyouwouldhavefoundthem，attheriskofreproachingmeforitlateron。Ipreferredtooweyounothing；
youdidnotunderstandthescruple，forsuchitwas。Thoseofuswhoarelikeme，whenwehaveanyheartatall，wegiveameaningandadevelopmenttowordsandthingsunknowntootherwomen；I
repeat，then，thatonthepartofMargueriteGautierthemeanswhichsheusedtopayherdebtswithoutaskingyouforthemoneynecessaryforit，wasascruplebywhichyououghttoprofit，withoutsayinganything。Ifyouhadonlymetmeto-day，youwouldbetoodelightedwithwhatIpromisedyou，andyouwouldnotquestionmeastowhatIdidthedaybeforeyesterday。Wearesometimesobligedtobuythesatisfactionofoursoulsattheexpenseofourbodies，andwesufferstillmore，when，afterward，thatsatisfactionisdeniedus。"
Ilistened，andIgazedatMargueritewithadmiration。WhenI
thoughtthatthismarvellouscreature，whosefeetIhadoncelongedtokiss，waswillingtoletmetakemyplaceinherthoughts，mypartinherlife，andthatIwasnotyetcontentwithwhatshegaveme，Iaskedifman'sdesirehasindeedlimitswhen，satisfiedaspromptlyasminehadbeen，itreachedaftersomethingfurther。
"Truly，"shecontinued，"wepoorcreaturesofchancehavefantasticdesiresandinconceivableloves。Wegiveourselvesnowforonething，nowforanother。Therearemenwhoruinthemselveswithoutobtainingtheleastthingfromus；thereareotherswhoobtainusforabouquetofflowers。Ourheartshavetheircaprices；itistheironedistractionandtheironeexcuse。I
gavemyselftoyousoonerthanIeverdidtoanyman，Isweartoyou；anddoyouknowwhy？Becausewhenyousawmespittingbloodyoutookmyhand；becauseyouwept；becauseyouaretheonlyhumanbeingwhohaseverpitiedme。Iamgoingtosayamadthingtoyou：IoncehadalittledogwholookedatmewithasadlookwhenIcoughed；thatistheonlycreatureIeverloved。WhenhediedIcriedmorethanwhenmymotherdied。Itistruethatfortwelveyearsofherlifesheusedtobeatme。Well，Ilovedyouallatonce，asmuchasmydog。Ifmenknewwhattheycanhaveforatear，theywouldbebetterlovedandweshouldbelessruinoustothem。
"Yourletterundeceivedme；itshowedmethatyoulackedtheintelligenceoftheheart；itdidyoumoreharmwithmethananythingyoucouldpossiblyhavedone。Itwasjealousycertainly，butironicalandimpertinentjealousy。IwasalreadyfeelingsadwhenIreceivedyourletter。Iwaslookingforwardtoseeingyouattwelve，tohavinglunchwithyou，andwipingout，byseeingyou，athoughtwhichwaswithmeincessantly，andwhich，beforeI
knewyou，Ihadnodifficultyintolerating。
"Then，"continuedMarguerite，"youweretheonlypersonbeforewhomitseemedtome，fromthefirst，thatIcouldthinkandspeakfreely。Allthosewhocomeaboutwomenlikemehaveaninterestincalculatingtheirslightestwords，inthinkingoftheconsequencesoftheirmostinsignificantactions。Naturallywehavenofriends。Wehaveselfishloverswhospendtheirfortunes，riotonus，astheysay，butontheirownvanity。Forthesepeoplewehavetobemerrywhentheyaremerry，wellwhentheywanttosup，scepticslikethemselves。Wearenotallowedtohavehearts，underpenaltyofbeinghooteddownandofruiningourcredit。
"Wenolongerbelongtoourselves。Wearenolongerbeings，butthings。Westandfirstintheirself-esteem，lastintheiresteem。Wehavewomenwhocallthemselvesourfriends，buttheyarefriendslikePrudence，womenwhowereoncekeptandwhohavestillthecostlytastesthattheiragedoesnotallowthemtogratify。Thentheybecomeourfriends，orratherourguestsattable。Theirfriendshipiscarriedtothepointofservility，nevertothatofdisinterestedness。Neverdotheygiveyouadvicewhichisnotlucrative。Itmeanslittleenoughtothemthatweshouldhavetenloversextra，aslongastheygetdressesorabraceletoutofthem，andthattheycandriveinourcarriagefromtimetotimeorcometoourboxatthetheatre。Theyhaveourlastnight'sbouquets，andtheyborrowourshawls。Theyneverrenderusaservice，howeverslight，withoutseeingthattheyarepaidtwiceitsvalue。YouyourselfsawwhenPrudencebroughtmethesixthousandfrancsthatIhadaskedhertogetfromtheduke，howsheborrowedfivehundredfrancs，whichshewillneverpaymeback，orwhichshewillpaymeinhats，whichwillneverbetakenoutoftheirboxes。
"Wecannot，then，have，orratherIcannothavemorethanonepossiblekindofhappiness，andthisis，sadasIsometimesam，sufferingasIalwaysam，tofindamansuperiorenoughnottoaskquestionsaboutmylife，andtobetheloverofmyimpressionsratherthanofmybody。SuchamanIfoundintheduke；butthedukeisold，andoldageneitherprotectsnorconsoles。IthoughtIcouldacceptthelifewhichheofferedme；
butwhatwouldyouhave？Iwasdyingofennui，andifoneisboundtobeconsumed，itisaswelltothrowoneselfintotheflamesastobeasphyxiatedwithcharcoal。
"ThenImetyou，young，ardent，happy，andItriedtomakeyouthemanIhadlongedforinmynoisysolitude。WhatIlovedinyouwasnotthemanwhowas，butthemanwhowasgoingtobe。Youdonotaccepttheposition，yourejectitasunworthyofyou；youareanordinarylover。Doliketheothers；payme，andsaynomoreaboutit。"
Marguerite，tiredoutwiththislongconfession，threwherselfbackonthesofa，andtostifleaslightcoughputupherhandkerchieftoherlips，andfromthattohereyes。
"Pardon，pardon，"Imurmured。"Iunderstooditall，butIwantedtohaveitfromyourownlips，mybelovedMarguerite。Forgettherestandrememberonlyonething：thatwebelongtooneanother，thatweareyoung，andthatwelove。Marguerite，dowithmeasyouwill；Iamyourslave，yourdog，butinthenameofheaventearuptheletterwhichIwrotetoyouanddonotmakemeleaveyouto-morrow；itwouldkillme。"
Margueritedrewtheletterfromherbosom，andhandingittomewithasmileofinfinitesweetness，said：
"Hereitis。Ihavebroughtitback。"
Itoretheletterintofragmentsandkissedwithtearsthehandthatgaveittome。
AtthismomentPrudencereappeared。
"Lookhere，Prudence；doyouknowwhathewants？"saidMarguerite。
"Hewantsyoutoforgivehim。"
"Precisely。"
"Andyoudo？"
"Onehasto；buthewantsmorethanthat。"
"What，then？"
"Hewantstohavesupperwithus。"
"Anddoyouconsent？"
"Whatdoyouthink？"
"Ithinkthatyouaretwochildrenwhohaven'tanatomofsensebetweenyou；butIalsothinkthatIamveryhungry，andthatthesooneryouconsentthesoonerweshallhavesupper。"
"Come，"saidMarguerite，"thereisroomforthethreeofusinmycarriage。"
"Bytheway，"sheadded，turningtome，"Naninewillbegonetobed。Youmustopenthedoor；takemykey，andtrynottoloseitagain。"
IembracedMargueriteuntilshewasalmoststifled。
ThereuponJosephentered。
"Sir，"hesaid，withtheairofamanwhoisverywellsatisfiedwithhimself，"theluggageispacked。"
"Allofit？"
"Yes，sir。"
"Well，then，unpackitagain；Iamnotgoing。"
Chapter16
Imighthavetoldyouofthebeginningofthisliaisoninafewlines，butIwantedyoutoseeeverystepbywhichwecame，ItoagreetowhateverMargueritewished，Margueritetobeunabletoliveapartfromme。
ItwasthedayaftertheeveningwhenshecametoseemethatI
sentherManonLescaut。
Fromthattime，seeingthatIcouldnotchangemymistress'slife，Ichangedmyown。IwishedaboveallnottoleavemyselftimetothinkoverthepositionIhadaccepted，for，inspiteofmyself，itwasagreatdistresstome。Thusmylife，generallysocalm，assumedallatonceanappearanceofnoiseanddisorder。
Neverbelieve，howeverdisinterestedtheloveofakeptwomanmaybe，thatitwillcostonenothing。Nothingissoexpensiveastheircaprices，flowers，boxesatthetheatre，suppers，daysinthecountry，whichonecanneverrefusetoone'smistress。
AsIhavetoldyou，Ihadlittlemoney。Myfatherwas，andstillis，receveurgeneralatC。Hehasagreatreputationthereforloyalty，thankstowhichhewasabletofindthesecuritywhichheneededinordertoattainthisposition。
Itisworthfortythousandfrancsayear，andduringthetenyearsthathehashadit，hehaspaidoffthesecurityandputasideadowryformysister。Myfatheristhemosthonourablemanintheworld。Whenmymotherdied，sheleftsixthousandfrancsayear，whichhedividedbetweenmysisterandmyselfontheverydaywhenhereceivedhisappointment；then，whenIwastwenty-one，headdedtothislittleincomeanannualallowanceoffivethousandfrancs，assuringmethatwitheightthousandfrancsayearImightliveveryhappilyatParis，if，inadditiontothis，Iwouldmakeapositionformyselfeitherinlawormedicine。IcametoParis，studiedlaw，wascalledtothebar，and，likemanyotheryoungmen，putmydiplomainmypocket，andletmyselfdrift，asonesoeasilydoesinParis。
Myexpenseswereverymoderate；onlyIusedupmyyear'sincomeineightmonths，andspentthefoursummermonthswithmyfather，whichpracticallygavemetwelvethousandfrancsayear，and，inaddition，thereputationofagoodson。Fortherest，notapennyofdebt。
This，then，wasmypositionwhenImadetheacquaintanceofMarguerite。Youcanwellunderstandthat，inspiteofmyself，myexpensessoonincreased。Marguerite'snaturewasverycapricious，and，likesomanywomen，sheneverregardedasaseriousexpensethosethousandandonedistractionswhichmadeupherlife。So，wishingtospendasmuchtimewithmeaspossible，shewouldwritetomeinthemorningthatshewoulddinewithme，notathome，butatsomerestaurantinParisorinthecountry。Iwouldcallforher，andwewoulddineandgoontothetheatre，oftenhavingsupperaswell；andbytheendoftheeveningIhadspentfourorfivelouis，whichcametotwoorthreethousandfrancsamonth，whichreducedmyyeartothreemonthsandahalf，andmadeitnecessaryformeeithertogointodebtortoleaveMarguerite。Iwouldhaveconsentedtoanythingexceptthelatter。
ForgivemeifIgiveyouallthesedetails，butyouwillseethattheywerethecauseofwhatwastofollow。WhatItellyouisatrueandsimplestory，andIleavetoitallthenaiveteofitsdetailsandallthesimplicityofitsdevelopments。
Irealizedthenthatasnothingintheworldwouldmakemeforgetmymistress，itwasneedfulformetofindsomewayofmeetingtheexpensesintowhichshedrewme。Then，too，myloveforherhadsodisturbinganinfluenceuponmethateverymomentIspentawayfromMargueritewaslikeayear，andthatIfelttheneedofconsumingthesemomentsinthefireofsomesortofpassion，andoflivingthemsoswiftlyasnottoknowthatIwaslivingthem。
Ibeganbyborrowingfiveorsixthousandfrancsonmylittlecapital，andwiththisItooktogambling。Sincegamblinghousesweredestroyedgamblinggoesoneverywhere。Formerly，whenonewenttoFrascati，onehadthechanceofmakingafortune；oneplayedagainstmoney，andifonelost，therewasalwaystheconsolationofsayingthatonemighthavegained；whereasnow，exceptintheclubs，wherethereisstillacertainrigourinregardtopayments，oneisalmostcertain，themomentonegainsaconsiderablesum，nottoreceiveit。Youwillreadilyunderstandwhy。Gamblingisonlylikelytobecarriedonbyyoungpeopleverymuchinneedofmoneyandnotpossessingthefortunenecessaryforsupportingthelifetheylead；theygamble，then，andwiththisresult；orelsetheygain，andthenthosewholoseservetopayfortheirhorsesandmistresses，whichisverydisagreeable。Debtsarecontracted，acquaintancesbegunaboutagreentableendbyquarrelsinwhichlifeorhonourcomestogrief；andthoughonemaybeanhonestman，onefindsoneselfruinedbyveryhonestmen，whoseonlydefectisthattheyhavenottwohundredthousandfrancsayear。
Ineednottellyouofthosewhocheatatplay，andofhowonehearsonefinedayoftheirhastydisappearanceandtardycondemnation。
Iflungmyselfintothisrapid，noisy，andvolcaniclife，whichhadformerlyterrifiedmewhenIthoughtofit，andwhich。hadbecomeformethenecessarycomplementofmyloveforMarguerite。
WhatelsecouldIhavedone？
ThenightsthatIdidnotspendintheRued'Antin，ifIhadspentthemaloneinmyownroom，Icouldnothaveslept。Jealousywouldhavekeptmeawake，andinflamedmybloodandmythoughts；
whilegamblinggaveanewturntothefeverwhichwouldotherwisehavepreyeduponmyheart，andfixedituponapassionwhichlaidholdonmeinspiteofmyself，untilthehourstruckwhenImightgotomymistress。Then，andbythisIknewtheviolenceofmylove，Ileftthetablewithoutamoment'shesitation，whetherI
waswinningorlosing，pityingthosewhomIleftbehindbecausetheywouldnot，likeme，findtheirrealhappinessinleavingit。
Forthemostofthem，gamblingwasanecessity；forme，itwasaremedy。FreeofMarguerite，Ishouldhavebeenfreeofgambling。
Thus，inthemidstofallthat，Ipreservedaconsiderableamountofself-possession；IlostonlywhatIwasabletopay，andgainedonlywhatIshouldhavebeenabletolose。
Fortherest，chancewasonmyside。Imadenodebts，andIspentthreetimesasmuchmoneyaswhenIdidnotgamble。ItwasimpossibletoresistanexistencewhichgavemeaneasymeansofsatisfyingthethousandcapricesofMarguerite。Asforher，shecontinuedtolovemeasmuch，orevenmorethanever。
AsItoldyou，Ibeganbybeingallowedtostayonlyfrommidnighttosixo'clock，thenIwasaskedsometimestoaboxinthetheatre，thenshesometimescametodinewithme。OnemorningIdidnotgotilleight，andtherecameadaywhenIdidnotgotilltwelve。
But，soonerthanthemoralmetamorphosis，aphysicalmetamorphosiscameaboutinMarguerite。Ihadtakenhercureinhand，andthepoorgirl，seeingmyaim，obeyedmeinordertoprovehergratitude。Ihadsucceededwithouteffortortroubleinalmostisolatingherfromherformerhabits。Mydoctor，whomI
hadmadehermeet，hadtoldmethatonlyrestandcalmcouldpreserveherhealth，sothatinplaceofsupperandsleeplessnights，Isucceededinsubstitutingahygienicregimeandregularsleep。Inspiteofherself，Margueritegotaccustomedtothisnewexistence，whosesalutaryeffectsshealreadyrealized。Shebegantospendsomeofhereveningsathome，or，iftheweatherwasfine，shewrappedherselfinashawl，putonaveil，andwewentonfoot，liketwochildren，inthedimalleysoftheChamps-Elysees。Shewouldcomeintired，takealightsupper，andgotobedafteralittlemusicorreading，whichshehadneverbeenusedtodo。Thecough，whicheverytimethatIhearditseemedtogothroughmychest，hadalmostcompletelydisappeared。
Attheendofsixweeksthecountwasentirelygivenup，andonlythedukeobligedmetoconcealmyliaisonwithMarguerite，andevenhewassentawaywhenIwasthere，underthepretextthatshewasasleepandhadgivenordersthatshewasnottobeawakened。
ThehabitortheneedofseeingmewhichMargueritehadnowcontractedhadthisgoodresult：thatitforcedmetoleavethegaming-tablejustatthemomentwhenanadroitgamblerwouldhaveleftit。Settlingonethingagainstanother，Ifoundmyselfinpossessionofsometenthousandfrancs，whichseemedtomeaninexhaustiblecapital。
ThetimeoftheyearwhenIwasaccustomedtojoinmyfatherandsisterhadnowarrived，andIdidnotgo；bothofthemwrotetomefrequently，beggingmetocome。TotheselettersIrepliedasbestIcould，alwaysrepeatingthatIwasquitewellandthatI
wasnotinneedofmoney，twothingswhich，Ithought，wouldconsolemyfatherformydelayinpayinghimmyannualvisit。
Justthen，onefinedayinsummer，Margueritewasawakenedbythesunlightpouringintoherroom，and，jumpingoutofbed，askedmeifIwouldtakeherintothecountryforthewholeday。
WesentforPrudence，andallthreesetoff，afterMargueritehadgivenNanineorderstotellthedukethatshehadtakenadvantageofthefinedaytogointothecountrywithMme。Duvernoy。
BesidesthepresenceofMme。Duvernoybeingneedfulonaccountoftheoldduke，Prudencewasoneofthosewomenwhoseemmadeonpurposefordaysinthecountry。Withherunchanginggood-humourandhereternalappetite，sheneverleftadullmomenttothosewhomshewaswith，andwasperfectlyhappyinorderingeggs，cherries，milk，stewedrabbit，andalltherestofthetraditionallunchinthecountry。
Wehadnowonlytodecidewhereweshouldgo。ItwasoncemorePrudencewhosettledthedifficulty。
"Doyouwanttogototherealcountry？"sheasked。
"Yes。"
"Well，letusgotoBougival，atthePointduJour，atWidowArnould's。Armand，orderanopencarriage。"
AnhourandahalflaterwewereatWidowArnould's。
Perhapsyouknowtheinn，whichisahotelonweekdaysandateagardenonSundays。Thereisamagnificentviewfromthegarden，whichisattheheightofanordinaryfirstfloor。OnthelefttheAqueductofMarlyclosesinthehorizon，ontherightonelooksacrossbillafterhill；theriver，almostwithoutcurrentatthatspot，unrollsitselflikealargewhitewateredribbonbetweentheplainoftheGabillonsandtheislandofCroissy，lulledeternallybythetremblingofitshighpoplarsandthemurmurofitswillows。Beyond，distinctinthesunlight，riselittlewhitehouses，withredroofs，andmanufactories，which，atthatdistance，putanadmirablefinishtothelandscape。Beyondthat，Parisinthemist！AsPrudencehadtoldus，itwastherealcountry，and，Imustadd，itwasareallunch。
ItisnotonlyoutofgratitudeforthehappinessIoweit，butBougival，inspiteofitshorriblename，isoneoftheprettiestplacesthatitispossibletoimagine。Ihavetravelledagooddeal，andseenmuchgranderthings，butnonemorecharmingthanthislittlevillagegailyseatedatthefootofthehillwhichprotectsit。
Mme。Arnouldaskedusifwewouldtakeaboat，andMargueriteandPrudenceacceptedjoyously。
Peoplehavealwaysassociatedthecountrywithlove，andtheyhavedonewell；nothingaffordssofineaframeforthewomanwhomonelovesasthebluesky，theodours，theflowers，thebreeze，theshiningsolitudeoffields，orwoods。Howevermuchonelovesawoman，whateverconfidenceonemayhaveinher，whatevercertaintyherpastmayofferusastoherfuture，oneisalwaysmoreorlessjealous。Ifyouhavebeeninlove，youmusthavefelttheneedofisolatingfromthisworldthebeinginwhomyouwouldlivewholly。Itseemsasif，howeverindifferentshemaybetohersurroundings，thewomanwhomoneloveslosessomethingofherperfumeandofherunityatthecontactofmenandthings。Asforme，Iexperiencedthatmorethanmost。Minewasnotanordinarylove；Iwasasmuchinloveasanordinarycreaturecouldbe，butwithMargueriteGautier；thatistosay，thatatParis，ateverystep，Imightelbowthemanwhohadalreadybeenherloverorwhowasaboutto，whileinthecountry，surroundedbypeoplewhomwehadneverseenandwhohadnoconcernwithus，alonewithnatureinthespring-timeoftheyear，thatannualpardon，andshutofffromthenoiseofthecity，Icouldhidemylove，andlovewithoutshameorfear。
Thecourtesandisappearedlittlebylittle。Ihadbymeayoungandbeautifulwoman，whomIloved，andwholovedme，andwhowascalledMarguerite；thepasthadnomorerealityandthefuturenomoreclouds。Thesunshoneuponmymistressasitmighthaveshoneuponthepurestbride。WewalkedtogetherinthosecharmingspotswhichseemedtohavebeenmadeonpurposetorecalltheversesofLamartineortosingthemelodiesofScudo。Margueritewasdressedinwhite，sheleanedonmyarm，sayingovertomeagainunderthestarryskythewordsshehadsaidtomethedaybefore，andfarofftheworldwentonitsway，withoutdarkeningwithitsshadowtheradiantpictureofouryouthandlove。
Thatwasthedreamthatthehotsunbroughttomethatdaythroughtheleavesofthetrees，as，lyingonthegrassoftheislandonwhichwehadlanded，Iletmythoughtwander，freefromthehumanlinksthathadboundit，gatheringtoitselfeveryhopethatcameinitsway。
AddtothisthatfromtheplacewhereIwasIcouldseeontheshoreacharminglittlehouseoftwostories，withasemicircularrailing；throughtherailing，infrontofthehouse，agreenlawn，smoothasvelvet，andbehindthehousealittlewoodfullofmysteriousretreats，wherethemossmusteffaceeachmorningthepathwaythathadbeenmadethedaybefore。Climbingflowersclungaboutthedoorwayofthisuninhabitedhouse，mountingashighasthefirststory。
IlookedatthehousesolongthatIbeganbythinkingofitasmine，soperfectlydiditembodythedreamthatIwasdreaming；I
sawMargueriteandmyselfthere，bydayinthelittlewoodthatcoveredthehillside，intheeveningseatedonthegrass，andI
askedmyselfifearthlycreatureshadeverbeensohappyasweshouldbe。
"Whataprettyhouse！"Margueritesaidtome，asshefollowedthedirectionofmygazeandperhapsofmythought。
"Where？"askedPrudence。
"Yonder，"andMargueritepointedtothehouseinquestion。
"Ah，delicious！"repliedPrudence。"Doyoulikeit？"
"Verymuch。"
"Well，telltheduketotakeitforyou；hewoulddoso，Iamsure。I'llseeaboutitifyoulike。"
Margueritelookedatme，asiftoaskmewhatIthought。MydreamvanishedatthelastwordsofPrudence，andbroughtmebacktorealitysobrutallythatIwasstillstunnedwiththefall。
"Yes，yes，anexcellentidea，"Istammered，notknowingwhatI
wassaying。
"Well，Iwillarrangethat，"saidMarguerite，freeingmyhand，andinterpretingmywordsaccordingtoherowndesire。"Letusgoandseeifitistolet。"
Thehousewasempty，andtoletfortwothousandfrancs。
"Wouldyoubehappyhere？"shesaidtome。
"AmIsureofcominghere？"
"AndforwhomelseshouldIburymyselfhere，ifnotforyou？"
"Well，then，Marguerite，letmetakeitmyself。"
"Youaremad；notonlyisitunnecessary，butitwouldbedangerous。YouknowperfectlywellthatIhavenorighttoacceptitsavefromoneman。Letmealone，bigbaby，andsaynothing。"
"Thatmeans，"saidPrudence，"thatwhenIhavetwodaysfreeI
willcomeandspendthemwithyou。"
Weleftthehouse，andstartedonourreturntoParis，talkingoverthenewplan。IheldMargueriteinmyarms，andasIgotdownfromthecarriage，Ihadalreadybeguntolookuponherarrangementwithlesscriticaleyes。