THECURIOUSREPUBLICOFGONDOURANDOTHERWHIMSICALSKETCHES
NOTE：
MostofthesketchesinthisvolumeweretakenfromaseriestheauthorwroteforTheGalaxyfromMay，1870，toApril，1871。TherestappearedinTheBuffaloExpress。
TABLEOFCONTENTS
THECURIOUSREPUBLICOFGONDOUR
AMEMORY
INTRODUCTORYTO"MEMORANDA"。
ABOUTSMELT
ACOUPLEOFSADEXPERIENCES
DANMURPHY
THE"TOURNAMENT"INA。D。1870
CURIOUSRELICFORSALE
AREMINISCENCEOFTHEBACKSETTLEMENTS
AROYALCOMPLIMENT
THEAPPROACHINGEPIDEMIC
THETONE-IMPARTINGCOMMITTEE
OURPRECIOUSLUNATIC
THEEUROPEANWAR
THEWILDMANINTERVIEWED
LASTWORDSOFGREATMEN
THECURIOUSREPUBLICOFGONDOUR
AssoonasIhadlearnedtospeakthelanguagealittle，Ibecamegreatlyinterestedinthepeopleandthesystemofgovernment。
Ifoundthatthenationhadatfirsttrieduniversalsuffragepureandsimple，buthadthrownthatformasidebecausetheresultwasnotsatisfactory。Ithadseemedtodeliverallpowerintothehandsoftheignorantandnon-tax-payingclasses；andofanecessitytheresponsibleofficeswerefilledfromtheseclassesalso。
Aremedywassought。Thepeoplebelievedtheyhadfoundit；notinthedestructionofuniversalsuffrage，butintheenlargementofit。Itwasanoddidea，andingenious。Youmustunderstand，theconstitutiongaveeverymanavote；thereforethatvotewasavestedright，andcouldnotbetakenaway。Buttheconstitutiondidnotsaythatcertainindividualsmightnotbegiventwovotes，orten！Soanamendatoryclausewasinsertedinaquietway；aclausewhichauthorisedtheenlargementofthesuffrageincertaincasestobespecifiedbystatute。Toofferto"limit"thesuffragemighthavemadeinstanttrouble；theofferto"enlarge"ithadapleasantaspect。Butofcoursethenewspaperssoonbegantosuspect；andthenouttheycame！Itwasfound，however，thatforonce——andforthefirsttimeinthehistoryoftherepublic——
property，character，andintellectwereabletowieldapoliticalinfluence；foronce，money，virtue，andintelligencetookavitalandaunitedinterestinapoliticalquestion；foroncethesepowerswenttothe"primaries"instrongforce；foroncethebestmeninthenationwereputforwardascandidatesforthatparliamentwhosebusinessitshouldbetoenlargethesuffrage。Theweightiesthalfofthepressquicklyjoinedforceswiththenewmovement，andlefttheotherhalftorailabouttheproposed"destructionoftheliberties"ofthebottomlayerofsociety，thehithertogoverningclassofthecommunity。
Thevictorywascomplete。Thenewlawwasframedandpassed。Underiteverycitizen，howsoeverpoororignorant，possessedonevote，souniversalsuffragestillreigned；butifamanpossessedagoodcommon-schooleducationandnomoney，hehadtwovotes；ahigh-schooleducationgavehimfour；ifhehadpropertylikewise，tothevalueofthreethousand’sacos，’hewieldedonemorevote；foreveryfiftythousand’sacos’amanaddedtohisproperty，hewasentitledtoanothervote；auniversityeducationentitledamantoninevotes，eventhoughheownednoproperty。Therefore，learningbeingmoreprevalentandmoreeasilyacquiredthanriches，educatedmenbecameawholesomecheckuponwealthymen，sincetheycouldoutvotethem。Learninggoesusuallywithuprightness，broadviews，andhumanity；sothelearnedvoters，possessingthebalanceofpower，becamethevigilantandefficientprotectorsofthegreatlowerrankofsociety。
Andnowacuriousthingdevelopeditself——asortofemulation，whoseobjectwasvotingpower！Whereasformerlyamanwashonoredonlyaccordingtotheamountofmoneyhepossessed，hisgrandeurwasmeasurednowbythenumberofvoteshewielded。Amanwithonlyonevotewasconspicuouslyrespectfultohisneighborwhopossessedthree。Andifhewasamanabovethecommon-place，hewasasconspicuouslyenergeticinhisdeterminationtoacquirethreeforhimself。Thisspiritofemulationinvadedallranks。Votesbaseduponcapitalwerecommonlycalled"mortal"votes，becausetheycouldbelost；thosebaseduponlearningwerecalled"immortal，"becausetheywerepermanent，andbecauseoftheircustomarilyimperishablecharactertheywerenaturallymorevaluedthantheothersort。Isay"customarily"forthereasonthatthesevoteswerenotabsolutelyimperishable，sinceinsanitycouldsuspendthem。
Underthissystem，gamblingandspeculationalmostceasedintherepublic。Amanhonouredasthepossessorofgreatvotingpowercouldnotaffordtoriskthelossofituponadoubtfulchance。
Itwascurioustoobservethemannersandcustomswhichtheenlargementplanproduced。Walkingthestreetwithafriendonedayhedeliveredacarelessbowtoapasser-by，andthenremarkedthatthatpersonpossessedonlyonevoteandwouldprobablyneverearnanother；hewasmorerespectfultothenextacquaintancehemet；heexplainedthatthissalutewasafour-votebow。Itriedto"average"theimportanceofthepeopleheaccostedafterthat，bythe-natureofhisbows，butmysuccesswasonlypartial，becauseofthesomewhatgreaterhomagepaidtotheimmortalsthantothemortals。Myfriendexplained。Hesaidtherewasnolawtoregulatethisthing，exceptthatmostpowerfulofalllaws，custom。Customhadcreatedthesevaryingbows，andintimetheyhadbecomeeasyandnatural。Atthismomenthedeliveredhimselfofaveryprofoundsalute，andthensaid，"Nowthere’samanwhobeganlifeasashoemaker’sapprentice，andwithouteducation；nowheswingstwenty-twomortalvotesandtwoimmortalones；heexpectstopassahigh-schoolexaminationthisyearandclimbacoupleofvoteshigheramongtheimmortals；mightyvaluablecitizen。"
Byandbymyfriendmetavenerablepersonage，andnotonlymadehimamostelaboratebow，butalsotookoffhishat。Itookoffmine，too，withamysteriousawe。Iwasbeginningtobeinfected。
"Whatgrandeeisthat？"
"Thatisourmostillustriousastronomer。Hehasn’tanymoney，butisfearfullylearned。Nineimmortalsishispoliticalweight！Hewouldswingahundredandfiftyvotesifoursystemwereperfect。"
"Isthereanyaltitudeofmeremoneyed：grandeurthatyoutakeoffyourhatto？"
"No。Nineimmortalvotesistheonlypowerweuncoverforthatis，incivillife。Verygreatofficialsreceivethatmarkofhomage，ofcourse。"
Itwascommontohearpeopleadmiringlymentionmenwhohadbegunlifeonthelowerlevelsandintimeachievedgreatvoting-power。Itwasalsocommontohearyouthsplanningafutureofeversomanyvotesforthemselves。Iheardshrewdmammasspeakofcertainyoungmenasgood"catches"becausetheypossessedsuch-and-suchanumberofvotes。Iknewofmorethanonecasewhereanheiresswasmarriedtoayoungsterwhohadbutonevote；theargumentbeingthathewasgiftedwithsuchexcellentpartsthatintimehewouldacquireagoodvotingstrength，andperhapsinthelongrunbeabletooutvotehiswife，ifhehadluck。
Competitiveexaminationsweretheruleandinallofficialgrades。I
remarkedthatthequestionsaskedthecandidateswerewild，intricate，andoftenrequiredasortofknowledgenotneededintheofficesought。
"Canafooloranignoramusanswerthem？"askedthepersonIwastalkingwith。
"Certainlynot。"
"Well，youwillnotfindanyfoolsorignoramusesamongourofficials。"
Ifeltrathercornered，butmadeshifttosay：
"Butthesequestionscoveragooddealmoregroundthanisnecessary。"
"Nomatter；ifcandidatescananswertheseitistolerablyfairevidencethattheycananswernearlyanyotherquestionyouchoosetoaskthem。"
ThereweresomethingsinGondourwhichonecouldnotshuthiseyesto。
Onewas，thatignoranceandincompetencehadnoplaceinthegovernment。
Brainsandpropertymanagedthestate。Acandidateforofficemusthavemarkedability，education，andhighcharacter，orhestoodnosortofchanceofelection。Ifahod-carrierpossessedthese，hecouldsucceed；
butthemerefactthathewasahod-carriercouldnotelecthim，asinprevioustimes。
Itwasnowaverygreathonourtobeintheparliamentorinoffice；
undertheoldsystemsuchdistinctionhadonlybroughtsuspicionuponamanandmadehimahelplessmarkfornewspapercontemptandscurrility。
Officialsdidnotneedtostealnow，theirsalariesbeingvastincomparisonwiththepittancespaidinthedayswhenparliamentswerecreatedbyhod-carriers，whoviewedofficialsalariesfromahod-carryingpointofviewandcompelledthatviewtoberespectedbytheirobsequiousservants。Justicewaswiselyandrigidlyadministered；forajudge，afteroncereachinghisplacethroughthespecifiedlineofpromotions，wasapermanencyduringgoodbehaviour。Hewasnotobligedtomodifyhisjudgmentsaccordingtotheeffecttheymighthaveuponthetemperofareigningpoliticalparty。
Thecountrywasmainlygovernedbyaministrywhichwentoutwiththeadministrationthatcreatedit。Thiswasalsothecasewiththechiefsofthegreatdepartments。Minorofficialsascendedtotheirseveralpositionsthroughwell-earnedpromotions，andnotbyajumpfromgin-
millsortheneedyfamiliesandfriendsofmembersofparliament。Goodbehaviourmeasuredtheirtermsofoffice。
TheheadofthegovernmentstheGrandCaliph，waselectedforatermoftwentyyears。Iquestionedthewisdomofthis。Iwasansweredthathecoulddonoharm，sincetheministryandtheparliamentgovernedtheland，andhewasliabletoimpeachmentformisconduct。Thisgreatofficehadtwicebeenablyfilledbywomen，womenasaptlyfittedforitassomeofthesceptredqueensofhistory。Membersofthecabinet，undermanyadministrations，hadbeenwomen。
Ifoundthatthepardoningpowerwaslodgedinacourtofpardons，consistingofseveralgreatjudges。Undertheoldregime，thisimportantpowerwasvestedinasingleofficial，andheusuallytookcaretohaveageneraljaildeliveryintimeforthenextelection。
Iinquiredaboutpublicschools。Therewereplentyofthem，andoffreecollegestoo。Iinquiredaboutcompulsoryeducation。Thiswasreceivedwithasmile，andtheremark：
"Whenaman’schildisabletomakehimselfpowerfulandhonouredaccordingtotheamountofeducationheacquires，don’tyousupposethatthatparentwillapplythecompulsionhimself？Ourfreeschoolsandfreecollegesrequirenolawtofillthem。"
Therewasalovingprideofcountryaboutthisperson’swayofspeakingwhichannoyedme。Ihadlongbeenunusedtothesoundofitinmyown。
TheGondournationalairswereforeverdinninginmyears；thereforeI
wasgladtoleavethatcountryandcomebacktomydearnativeland，whereoneneverhearsthatsortofmusic。
AMEMORY，WhenIsaythatIneverknewmyausterefathertobeenamouredofbutonepoeminallthelonghalfcenturythathelived，personswhoknewhimwilleasilybelieveme；whenIsaythatIhavenevercomposedbutonepoeminallthelongthirdofacenturythatIhavelived，personswhoknowmewillbesincerelygrateful；andfinally，whenIsaythatthepoemwhichIcomposedwasnottheonewhichmyfatherwasenamouredof，personswhomayhaveknownusbothwillnotneedtohavethistruthshotintothemwithamountainhowitzerbeforetheycanreceiveit。MyfatherandIwerealwaysonthemostdistanttermswhenIwasaboy——asortofarmedneutralitysotospeak。Atirregularintervalsthisneutralitywasbroken，andsufferingensued；butIwillbecandidenoughtosaythatthebreakingandthesufferingwerealwaysdividedupwith，strictimpartialitybetweenus——whichistosay，myfatherdidthebreaking，andIdidthesuffering。AsageneralthingIwasabackward，cautious，unadventurousboy；butIoncejumpedoffatwo-storytable；anothertimeIgaveanelephanta"plug"oftobaccoandretiredwithoutwaitingforananswer；andstillanothertimeIpretendedtobetalkinginmysleep，andgotoffaportionofaverywretchedoriginalconundruminthehearingofmyfather。Letusnotpryintotheresult；itwasofnoconsequencetoanyonebutme。
ButthepoemIhavereferredtoasattractingmyfather’sattentionandachievinghisfavourwas"Hiawatha。"Somemanwhocourtedasuddenandawfuldeathpresentedhimanearlycopy，andIneverlostfaithinmyownsensesuntilIsawhimsitdownandgotoreadingitincoldblood——sawhimopenthebook，andheardhimreadthesefollowinglines，withthesameinflectionlessjudicialfrigiditywithwhichhealwaysreadhischargetothejury，oradministeredanoathtoawitness：
Takeyourbow，OHiawatha，Takeyourarrows，jasper-headed，Takeyourwar-club，Puggawaugun，Andyourmittens，Minjekahwan，Andyourbirchcanoeforsailing，AndtheoilofMishe-Nama。"
Presentlymyfathertookoutofhisbreastpocketanimposing"WarrantyDeed，"andfixedhiseyesuponitanddroppedintomeditation。Iknewwhatitwas。ATexanladyandgentlemanhadgivenmyhalf-brother，OrrinJohnson，ahandsomepropertyinatownintheNorth，ingratitudetohimforhavingsavedtheirlivesbyanactofbrilliantheroism。
Byandbymyfatherlookedtowardsmeandsighed。Thenhesaid：
"IfIhadsuchasonasthispoet，herewereasubjectworthierthanthetraditionsoftheseIndians。"
"Ifyouplease，sir，where？"
"Inthisdeed。"
"Yes——inthisverydeed，"saidmyfather，throwingitonthetable。
"Thereismorepoetry，moreromance，moresublimity，moresplendidimageryhiddenawayinthathomelydocumentthancouldbefoundinallthetraditionsofallthesavagesthatlive。"
"Indeed，sir？CouldI——couldIgetitout，sir？CouldIcomposethepoem，sir，doyouthink？"
"You？"
Iwilted。
Presentlymyfather’sfacesoftenedsomewhat，andhesaid：
"Goandtry。Butmind，curbfolly。Nopoetryattheexpenseoftruth。
Keepstrictlytothefacts。"
IsaidIwould，andbowedmyselfout，andwentupstairs。
"Hiawatha"keptdroninginmyhead——andsodidmyfather’sremarksaboutthesublimityandromancehiddeninmysubject，andalsohisinjunctiontobewareofwastefulandexuberantfancy。Inoticed，justhere，thatI
hadheedlesslybroughtthedeedawaywithme；nowatthismomentcametomeoneofthoseraremoodsofdaringrecklessness，suchasIreferredtoawhileago。Withoutanotherthought，andinplaindefianceofthefactthatIknewmyfathermeantmetowritetheromanticstoryofmyhalf-
brother’sadventureandsubsequentgoodfortune，Iventuredtoheedmerelytheletterofhisremarksandignoretheirspirit。Itookthestupid"WarrantyDeed"itselfandchoppeditupintoHiawathianblankversewithoutalteringorleavingoutthreewords，andwithouttransposingsix。Itrequiredloadsofcouragetogodownstairsandfacemyfatherwithmyperformance。IstartedthreeorfourtimesbeforeI
finallygotmyplucktowhereitwouldstick。ButatlastIsaidIwouldgodownandreadittohimifhethrewmeoverthechurchforit。
Istooduptobegin，andhetoldmetocomecloser。Iedgedupalittle，butstillleftasmuchneutralgroundbetweenusasIthoughthewouldstand。ThenIbegan。Itwouldbeuselessformetotrytotellwhatconflictingemotionsexpressedthemselvesuponhisface，norhowtheygrewmoreandmoreintense，asIproceeded；norhowafelldarknessdescendeduponhiscountenance，andhebegantogagandswallow，andhishandsbegantoworkandtwitch，asIreeledofflineafterline，withthestrengthebbingoutofme，andmylegstremblingunderme：
THESTORYOFAGALLANTDEED
THISINDENTURE，madethetenthDayofNovember，intheyearOfourLordonethousandeightHundredsix-and-fifty，BetweenJoannaS。E。GrayAndPhilipGray，herhusband，OfSalemCityintheStateOfTexas，ofthefirstpart，AndO。B。Johnson，ofthetownOfAustin，ditto，WITNESSETH：
Thatsaidpartyoffirstpart，ForandinconsiderationOfthesumofTwentyThousandDollars，lawfulmoneyofTheU。S。ofAmericay，TotheminhandnowpaidbysaidPartyofthesecondpart，Theduereceiptwhereofishere-
Byconfessedandacknowledg-edHavingGranted，Bargained，Sold，Remised，ReleasedandAlienedandConveyed，Confirmed，andbythesepresentsdoGrantandBargain，Sell，Remise，Alien，Release，Convey，andCon-
FirmuntothesaidaforesaidPartyofthesecondpart，AndtohisheirsandassignsForeverandeverALL
ThatcertainlotorparcelofLANDsituateincityofDunkirk，CountyofChautauqua，AndlikewisefurthermoreinYorkStateBoundedanddescribed，to-wit，Asfollows，herein，namelyBEGINNINGatthedistanceofAhundredtwo-and-fortyfeet，North-half-east，north-east-bynorth，East-north-eastandnortherlyOfthenortherlylineofMulliganstreetOnthewesterlylineofBranniganstreet，AndrunningthenceduenortherlyOnBranniganstreet200feet，Thenceatrightangleswesterly，North-west-by-west-and-west-half-west，West-and-by-north，north-west-by-west，About——
Ikindofdodged，andtheboot-jackbrokethelooking-glass。IcouldhavewaitedtoseewhatbecameoftheothermissilesifIhadwantedto，butItooknointerestinsuchthings。
INTRODUCTORYTO"MEMORANDA"
IntakinguponmyselftheburdenofeditingadepartmentinTHEGALAXY
magazine，IhavebeenactuatedbyaconvictionthatIwasneeded，almostimperatively，inthisparticularfieldofliterature。Ihavelongfeltthatwhilethemagazineliteratureofthedayhadmuchtorecommendit，ityetlackedstability，solidity，weight。Itseemedplaintomethattoomuchspacewasgiventopoetryandromance，andnotenoughtostatisticsandagriculture。Thisdefectitshallbemyearnestendeavourtoremedy。IfIsucceed，thesimpleconsciousnessthatIhavedoneagooddeedwillbeasufficientreward。**——[**Togetherwithsalary。]
Inthisdepartmentofminethepublicmayalwaysrelyuponfindingexhaustivestatisticaltablesconcerningthefinancesofthecountry，theratioofbirthsanddeaths；thepercentageofincreaseofpopulation，etc。，etc。——inaword，everythingintherealmofstatisticsthatcanmakeexistencebrightandbeautiful。
Also，inmydepartmentwillalwaysbefoundelaboratecondensationsofthePatentOfficeReports，whereinafaithfulendeavourwillatalltimesbemadetostripthenutritiousfactsbareofthateffulgenceofimaginationandsublimityofdictionwhichtoooftenmartheexcellenceofthosegreatworks。**——[**N。B。——NoothermagazineinthecountrymakesaspecialtyofthePatentOfficeReports。]
InmydepartmentwillalwaysbefoundampleexcerptsfromthoseabledissertationsuponPoliticalEconomywhichIhaveforalongtimebeencontributingtoagreatmetropolitanjournal，andwhich，forreasonsutterlyincomprehensibletome，anotherpartyhaschosentousurpthecreditofcomposing。
And，finally，Icallattentionwithpridetothefactthatinmydepartmentofthemagazinethefarmerwillalwaysfindfullmarketreports，andalsocompleteinstructionsaboutfarming，evenfromthegraftingoftheseedtotheharrowingofthematuredcrop。IshallthrowapathosintothesubjectofAgriculturethatwillsurpriseanddelighttheworld。
Suchismyprogramme；andIampersuadedthatbyadheringtoitwithfidelityIshallsucceedinmateriallychangingthecharacterofthismagazine。ThereforeIamemboldenedtoasktheassistanceandencouragementofallwhosesympathiesarewithProgressandReform。
Intheotherdepartmentsofthemagazinewillbefoundpoetry，tales，andotherfrothytrifles，andtothesethereadercanturnforrelaxationfromtimetotime，andthusguardagainstoverstrainingthepowersofhismind。
M。T。
P。S。——1。Ihavenotsoldoutofthe"BuffaloExpress，"andshallnot；
neithershallIstopwritingforit。Thisremarkseemsnecessaryinabusinesspointofview。
2。TheseMEMORANDAarenota"humorous"department。Iwouldnotconductanexclusivelyandprofessedlyhumorousdepartmentforanyone。Iwouldalwaysprefertohavetheprivilegeofprintingaseriousandsensibleremark，incaseoneoccurredtome，withoutthereader’sfeelingobligedtoconsiderhimselfoutraged。Wecannotkeepthesamemooddayafterday。Iamliable，someday，towanttoprintmyopiniononjurisprudence，orHomericpoetry，orinternationallaw，andIshalldoit。Itwillbeofsmallconsequencetomewhetherthereadersurviveornot。Ishallnevergostrainingafterjokeswheninacheerlessmood，solongastheunhackneyedsubjectofinternationallawisopentome。
Iwillleaveallthatstrainingtopeoplewhoeditprofessedlyandinexorably"humorous"departmentsandpublications。
3。IhavechosenthegeneraltitleofMEMORANDAforthisdepartmentbecauseitisplainandsimple，andmakesnofraudulentpromises。Icanprintunderitstatistics，hotelarrivals，oranythingthatcomeshandy，withoutviolatingfaithwiththereader。
4。Punscannotbeallowedaplaceinthisdepartment。Inoffensiveignorance，benignantstupidity，andunostentatiousimbecilitywillalwaysbewelcomedandcheerfullyaccordedacorner，andeventhefeeblesthumourwillbeadmitted，whenwecandonobetter；butnocircumstances，howeverdismal，willeverbeconsideredasufficientexcusefortheadmissionofthatlast——andsaddestevidenceofintellectualpoverty，thePun。
ABOUTSMELLS
Inarecentissueofthe"Independent，"theRev。T。DeWittTalmage，ofBrooklyn，hasthefollowingutteranceonthesubjectof"Smells"：
IhaveagoodChristianfriendwho，ifhesatinthefrontpewinchurch，andaworkingmanshouldenterthedoorattheotherend，wouldsmellhiminstantly。Myfriendisnottoblameforthesensitivenessofhisnose，anymorethanyouwouldflogapointerforbeingkeeneronthescentthanastupidwatchdog。Thefactis，ifyou，hadallthechurchesfree，byreasonofthemixingupofthecommonpeoplewiththeuncommon，youwouldkeepone-halfofChristendomsickattheirstomach。Ifyouaregoingtokillthechurchthuswithbadsmells，Iwillhavenothingtodowiththisworkofevangelization。
Wehavereasontobelievethattherewillbelabouringmeninheaven；andalsoanumberofnegroes，andEsquimaux，andTerradelFuegans，andArabs，andafewIndians，andpossiblyevensomeSpaniardsandPortuguese。AllthingsarepossiblewithGod。Weshallhaveallthesesortsofpeopleinheaven；but，alas！ingettingthemweshalllosethesocietyofDr。Talmage。Whichistosay，weshalllosethecompanyofonewhocouldgivemorereal"tone"tocelestialsocietythananyothercontributionBrooklyncouldfurnish。AndwhatwouldeternalhappinessbewithouttheDoctor？Blissful，unquestionably——weknowthatwellenoughbutwoulditbe’distingue，’woulditbe’recherche’withouthim？St。
Matthewwithoutstockingsorsandals；St。Jeromebareheaded，andwithacoarsebrownblanketrobedraggingtheground；St。Sebastianwithscarcelyanyraimentatall——theseweshouldsee，andshouldenjoyseeingthem；butwouldwenotmissaspike-tailedcoatandkids，andturnawayregretfully，andsaytopartiesfromtheOrient："Thesearewellenough，butyououghttoseeTalmageofBrooklyn。"IfearmethatinthebetterworldweshallnotevenhaveDr。Talmage’s"goodChristianfriend。"
ForifheweresittingunderthegloryoftheThrone，andthekeeperofthekeysadmittedaBenjaminFranklinorotherlabouringman，that"friend，"withhisfinenaturalpowersinfinitelyaugmentedbyemancipationfromhamperingflesh，woulddetecthimwithasinglesniff，andimmediatelytakehishatandasktobeexcused。
Toalloutwardseeming，theRev。T。DeWittTalmageisofthesamematerialasthatusedintheconstructionofhisearlypredecessorsintheministry；andyetonefeelsthattheremustbeadifferencesomewherebetweenhimandtheSaviour’sfirstdisciples。Itmaybebecausehere，inthenineteenthcentury，Dr。T。hashadadvantageswhichPaulandPeterandtheotherscouldnotanddidnothave。Therewasalackofpolishaboutthem，andaloosenessofetiquette，andawantofexclusiveness，whichonecannothelpnoticing。Theyhealedtheverybeggars，andheldintercoursewithpeopleofavillainousodoureveryday。IfthesubjectoftheseremarkshadbeenchosenamongtheoriginalTwelveApostles，hewouldnothaveassociatedwiththerest，becausehecouldnothavestoodthefishysmellofsomeofhiscomradeswhocamefromaroundtheSeaofGalilee。Hewouldhaveresignedhiscommissionwithsomesuchremarkashemakesintheextractquotedabove："Master，ifthouartgoingtokillthechurchthuswithbadsmells，Iwillhavenothingtodowiththisworkofevangelization。"Heisadisciple，andmakesthatremarktotheMaster；theonlydifferenceis，thathemakesitinthenineteenthinsteadofthefirstcentury。
IsthereachoirinMr。T。’schurch？Anddoesiteveroccurthattheyhavenobettermannersthantosingthathymnwhichissosuggestiveoflabourersandmechanics：
"SonoftheCarpenter！receiveThishumbleworkofmine？"
Now，canitbepossiblethatinahandfulofcenturiestheChristiancharacterhasfallenawayfromanimposingheroismthatscornedeventhestake，thecross，andtheaxe，toapoorlittleeffeminacythatwithersandwiltsunderanunsavourysmell？Wearenotpreparedtobelieveso，thereverendDoctorandhisfriendtothecontrarynotwithstanding。
ACOUPLEOFSADEXPERIENCES
WhenIpublishedasquibrecentlyinwhichIsaidIwasgoingtoeditanAgriculturalDepartmentinthismagazine，Icertainlydidnotdesiretodeceiveanybody。Ihadnottheremotestdesiretoplayuponanyone’sconfidencewithapracticaljoke，forheisapitifulcreatureindeedwhowilldegradethedignityofhishumanitytothecontrivingofthewitlessinventionsthatgobythatname。Ipurposelywrotethethingasabsurdlyandasextravagantlyasitcouldbewritten，inordertobesureandnotmisleadhurriedorheedlessreaders：forIspokeoflaunchingatriumphalbargeuponadesert，andplantingatreeofprosperityinamine——atreewhosefragranceshouldslakethethirstofthenaked，andwhosebranchesshouldspreadabroadtilltheywashedthechoreaof，etc。，etc。I
thoughtthatmanifestlunacylikethatwouldprotectthereader。Buttomakeassuranceabsolute，andshowthatIdidnotandcouldnotseriouslymeantoattemptanAgriculturalDepartment，IstateddistinctlyinmypostscriptthatIdidnotknowanythingaboutAgriculture。Butalas！
rightthereiswhereImademyworstmistake——forthatremarkseemstohaverecommendedmyproposedAgriculturemorethananythingelse。Itletsalittlelightinonme，andIfancyIperceivethatthefarmersfeelalittlebored，sometimes，bytheoracularprofundityofagriculturaleditorswho"knowitall。"Infact，oneofmycorrespondentssuggeststhis（forthatunhappysquibhasdelugedmewithlettersaboutpotatoes，andcabbages，andhominy，andvermicelli，andmaccaroni，andalltheotherfruits，cereals，andvegetablesthatevergrewonearth；andifIgetdoneansweringquestionsaboutthebestwayofraisingthesethingsbeforeIgoravingcrazy，Ishallbethankful，andshallneverwriteobscurelyforfunanymore）。
ShallItelltherealreasonwhyIhaveunintentionallysucceededinfoolingsomanypeople？ItisbecausesomeofthemonlyreadalittleofthesquibIwroteandjumpedtotheconclusionthatitwasserious，andtherestdidnotreaditatall，butheardofmyagriculturalventureatsecond-hand。ThosecasesIcouldnotguardagainst，ofcourse。Towriteaburlesquesowildthatitspretendedfactswillnotbeacceptedinperfectgoodfaithbysomebody，is，verynearlyanimpossiblethingtodo。Itisbecause，insomeinstances，thereaderisapersonwhonevertriestodeceiveanybodyhimself，andthereforeisnotexpectinganyonetowantonlypractiseadeceptionuponhim；andinthiscasetheonlypersondishonouredisthemanwhowrotetheburlesque。Inotherinstancesthe"nub"ormoraloftheburlesque——ifitsobjectbetoenforceatruth——escapesnoticeinthesuperiorglareofsomethinginthebodyoftheburlesqueitself。Andveryoftenthis"moral"istaggedonatthebottom，andthereader，notknowingthatitisthekeyofthewholethingandtheonlyimportantparagraphinthearticle，tranquillyturnsuphisnoseatitandleavesitunread。Onecandeliverasatirewithtellingforcethroughtheinsidiousmediumofatravesty，ifheiscarefulnottooverwhelmthesatirewiththeextraneousinterestofthetravesty，andsoburyitfromthereader’ssightandleavehimajokedanddefraudedvictim，whenthehonestintentwastoaddtoeitherhisknowledgeorhiswisdom。Ihavehadadealofexperienceinburlesquesandtheirunfortunateaptnesstodeceivethepublic，andthisiswhyI
triedhardtomakethatagriculturalonesobroadandsoperfectlypalpablethatevenaone-eyedpotatocouldseeit；andyet，asIspeakthesolemntruth，itfooledoneoftheablestagriculturaleditorsinAmerica！
DANMURPHY
Oneofthesaddestthingsthatevercameundermynotice（saidthebanker’sclerk）wasthereinCorning，duringthewar。DanMurphyenlistedasaprivate，andfoughtverybravely。Theboysalllikedhim，andwhenawoundbyandbyweakenedhimdowntillcarryingamusketwastooheavyworkforhim，theyclubbedtogetherandfixedhimupasasutler。Hemademoneythen，andsentitalwaystohiswifetobankforhim。Shewasawasherandironer，andknewenoughbyhardexperiencetokeepmoneywhenshegotit。Shedidn’twasteapenny。Onthecontrary，shebegantogetmiserlyasherbankaccountgrew。Shegrievedtopartwithacent，poorcreature，fortwiceinherhard-workinglifeshehadknownwhatitwastobehungry，cold，friendless，sick，andwithoutadollarintheworld，andshehadahauntingdreadofsufferingsoagain。
Well，atlastDandied；andtheboys，intestimonyoftheiresteemandrespectforhim，telegraphedtoMrs。Murphytoknowifshewouldliketohavehimembalmedandsenthome，whenyouknowtheusualcustomwastodumpapoordevillikehimintoashallowhole，andtheninformhisfriendswhathadbecomeofhim。Mrs。Murphyjumpedtotheconclusionthatitwouldonlycosttwoorthreedollarstoembalmherdeadhusband，andsoshetelegraphed"Yes。"Itwasatthe"wake"thatthebillforembalmingarrivedandwaspresentedtothewidow。Sheutteredawild，sadwail，thatpiercedeveryheart，andsaid："Sivinty-foivedollarsforstoofhn’Dan，blistertheirsowls！DidthimdivilssupposeIwasgoin’
tostairtaMuseim，thatI’dbedalin’insuchexpinsivecuriassities！"
Thebanker’sclerksaidtherewasnotadryeyeinthehouse。
THE"TOURNAMENT"INA。D。1870
Latelythereappearedanitemtothiseffect，andthesamewentthecustomaryuniversalroundofthepress：
AtelegraphstationhasjustbeenestablisheduponthetraditionalsiteoftheGardenofEden。
Asacompaniontothat，nothingfitssoaptlyandsoperfectlyasthis：
BrooklynhasrevivedtheknightlytournamentoftheMiddleAges。
Itishardtotellwhichisthemoststartling，theideaofthathighestachievementofhumangeniusandintelligence，thetelegraph，pratingawayaboutthepracticalconcernsoftheworld’sdailylifeintheheartandhomeofancientindolence，ignorance，andsavagery，ortheideaofthathappiestexpressionofthebrag，vanity，andmock-heroicsofourancestors，the"tournament，"comingoutofitsgravetoflauntitstinseltrumperyandperformits"chivalrous"absurditiesinthehighnoonofthenineteenthcentury，andunderthepatronageofagreat，broad-awakecityandanadvancedcivilisation。
A"tournament"inLynchburgisathingeasilywithinthecomprehensionoftheaveragemind；butnocommonlygiftedpersoncanconceiveofsuchaspectacleinBrooklynwithoutstraininghispowers。BrooklynispartandparcelofthecityofNewYork，andthereishardlyromanceenoughintheentiremetropolistore-supplyaVirginia"knight"with"chivalry，"incasehehappenedtorunoutofit。Letthereadercalmlyanddispassionatelypicturetohimself"lists"inBrooklyn；heralds，pursuivants，pages，garterking-at-arms——inBrooklyn；themarshallingofthefantastichostsof"chivalry"inslasheddoublets，velvettrunks，ruffles，andplumes——inBrooklyn；mountedonomnibusandlivery-stablepatriarchs，promoted，andreferredtoincoldbloodas"steeds，"
"destriers，"and"chargers，"anddivestedoftheirfriendly，humblenamesthesemeekold"Jims"and"Bobs"and"Charleys，"andrenamed"Mohammed，"
"Bucephalus，"and"Saladin"——inBrooklyn；mountedthus，andarmedwithswordsandshieldsandwoodenlances，andcasedinpasteboardhauberks，morions，greaves，andgauntlets，andaddressedas"Sir"Smith，and"Sir"
Jones，andbearingsuchtitledgrandeursas"TheDisinheritedKnight，"
the"KnightofShenandoah，"the"KnightoftheBlueRidge，"the"KnightofMaryland，"andthe"KnightoftheSecretSorrow"——inBrooklyn；andatthetootofthehornchargingfiercelyuponahelplessringhungonapost，andproddingatitintrepidlywiththeirwoodensticks，andbyandbyskeweringitandcavortingbacktothejudges’standcoveredwithglorythisinBrooklyn；andeachnoblesuccesslikethisdulyandpromptlyannouncedbyanapplaudingtootfromtheherald’shorn，and"thebandplayingthreebarsofanoldcircustune"——allinBrooklyn，inbroaddaylight。Andletthereaderremember，andalsoaddtohispicture，asfollows，towit：whentheshowwasallover，thepartywhohadshedthemostbloodandoverturnedandhackedtopiecesthemostknights，oratleasthadproddedthemostmuffin-rings，wasaccordedtheancientprivilegeofnamingandcrowningtheQueenofLoveandBeauty——whichnaminghadinrealitybeendonefor，himbythe"cut-and-dried"process，andlonginadvance，byacommitteeofladies，butthecrowninghedidinperson，thoughsufferingfromlossofblood，andthenwastakentothecountyhospitalonashuttertohavehiswoundsdressed——thesecuriousthingsalloccurringinBrooklyn，andnolongeragothanoneortwoyesterdays。Itseemsimpossible，andyetitistrue。
Thiswasdoubtlessthefirstappearanceofthe"tournament"uphereamongtherolling-millsandfactories，andwillprobablybethelast。ItwillbewelltoletitretirepermanentlytotheruraldistrictsofVirginia，where，itissaid，thefinemailedandplumed，noble-natured，maiden-
rescuing，wrong-redressing，adventure-seekingknightofromanceisacceptedandbelievedinbythepeasantrywithpleasingsimplicity，whiletheyrejectwithscorntheplain，unpolishedverdictwherebyhistoryexposeshimasabraggart，aruffian，afantasticvagabond；andanignoramus。
Allromanceaside，whatshapewouldouradmirationoftheheroesofAshbydelaZouchbelikelytotake，inthispracticalage，ifthoseworthiesweretoriseupandcomehereandperformagainthechivalrousdeedsofthatfamouspassageofarms？NothingbutaNewYorkjuryandtheinsanitypleacouldsavethemfromhanging，fromtheamiableBois-
GuilbertandthepleasantFront-de-Boeufcleardowntothenamelessruffiansthatenteredtheriotwithunpicturedshieldsanddidtheirfirstmurderandacquiredtheirfirstclaimtorespectthatday。Thedoingsoftheso-called"chivalry"oftheMiddleAgeswereabsurdenough，evenwhentheywerebrutallyandbloodilyinearnest，andwhentheirsurroundingsofcastlesanddonjons，savagelandscapesandhalf-savagepeoples，wereinkeeping；butthosedoingsgravelyreproducedwithtinseldecorationsandmockpageantry，bybucolicgentlemenwithbroomsticklances，andwithmuffin-ringstorepresentthefoe，andallinthemidstoftherefinementanddignityofacarefully-developedmoderncivilisation，isabsurditygonecrazy。
Now，fornextexhibition，letushaveafinerepresentationofoneofthosechivalrouswholesalebutcheriesandburningsofJewishwomenandchildren，whichthecrusadingheroesofromanceusedtoindulgeinintheirEuropeanhomes，justbeforestartingtotheHolyLand，toseizeandtaketotheirprotectiontheSepulchreanddefenditfrom"pollution。"
CURIOUSRELICFORSALE
"Forsale，forthebenefitoftheFundfortheReliefoftheWidowsandOrphansofDeceasedFiremen，aCuriousAncientBedouinPipe，procuredatthecityofEndorinPalestine，andbelievedtohaveoncebelongedtothejustly-renownedWitchofEndor。Partiesdesiringtoexaminethissingularrelicwithaviewtopurchasing，candosobycallinguponDanielS……119and121Williamstreet，NewYork"
Asperadvertisementinthe"Herald。"Acuriousoldrelicindeed，asI
hadagoodpersonalrighttoknow。Inasingleinstantoftime，alongdrawnpanoramaofsightsandscenesintheHolyLandflashedthroughmymemory——townandgrove，desert，camp，andcaravanclatteringaftereachotheranddisappearing，leapingmewithalittleofthesurprisedanddizzyfeelingwhichIhaveexperiencedatsundrytimeswhenalongexpresstrainhasovertakenmeatsomequietcurveandgonewhizzing，carbycar，aroundthecornerandoutofsight。InthatprolificinstantI
sawagainallthecountryfromtheSeaofGalileeandNazarethcleartoJerusalem，andthenceoverthehillsofJudeaandthroughtheValeofSharontoJoppa，downbytheocean。Leavingoutunimportantstretchesofcountryanddetailsofincident，Isawandexperiencedthefollowing-
describedmattersandthings。Immediatelythreeyearsfellawayfrommyage，andavanishedtimewasrestoredtomeSeptember，1867。ItwasaflamingOrientalday——thisonethathadcomeupoutofthepastandbroughtalongitsactors，itsstage-properties，andsceniceffects——andourpartyhadjustriddenthroughthesqualidhiveofhumanverminwhichstillholdstheancientBiblicalnameofEndor；Iwasbringinguptherearonmygravefour-dollarsteed，whowasaboutbeginningtocomposehimselfforhisusualnoonnap。My！onlyfifteenminutesbeforehowtheblack，mangy，nine-tenthsnaked，ten-tenthsfilthy，ignorant，bigoted，besotted，hungry，lazy，malignant，screeching，crowding，struggling，wailing，begging，cursing，hatefulspawnoftheoriginalWitchhadswarmedoutofthecavesintherocksandtheholesandcrevicesintheearth，andblockedourhorses’way，besiegedus，threwthemselvesintheanimals’path，clungtotheirmanes，saddle-furniture，andtails，asking，beseeching，demanding"bucksheesh！bucksheesh！BUCKSHEESH！"WehadrainedsmallcopperTurkishcoinsamongthem，asfugitivesflingcoatsandhatstopursuingwolves，andthenhadspurredourwaythroughastheystoppedtoscrambleforthelargess。Iwasferventlythankfulwhenwehadgottenwelluponthedesolatehillsideandoutstrippedthemandleftthemjawingandgesticulatingintherear。Whatatempesthadseeminglygoneroaringandcrashingbymeandleftitsdullthunderspulsinginmyears！
Iwasintherear，asIwassaying。Ourpack-mulesandArabswerefarahead，andDan，Jack，Moult，Davis，Denny，Church，andBirch（thesenameswilldoaswellasanytorepresenttheboys）werefollowingcloseafterthem。Asmyhorsenoddedtorest，Iheardasortofpantingbehindme，andturnedandsawthatatawnyyouthfromthevillagehadovertakenme——atrueremnantandrepresentativeofhisancestresstheWitch——agalvanisedscurvy，wroughtintothehumanshapeandgarnishedwithophthalmiaandleprousscars——anairycreaturewithaninvisibleshirt-
frontthatreachedbelowthepitofhisstomach，andnootherclothingtospeakofexceptatobacco-pouch，anammunition-pocket，andavenerablegun，whichwaslongenoughtoclubanygamewiththatcamewithinshootingdistance，butfarfromefficientasanarticleofdress。
Ithoughttomyself，"Nowthisdiseasewithahumanheartinitisgoingtoshootme。"IsmiledinderisionattheideaofaBedouindaringtotouchoffhisgreat-grandfather’srustygunandgettinghisheadblownoffforhispains。Butthenitoccurredtome，insimpleschool-boylanguage，"Supposeheshouldtakedeliberateaimand’hauloff’andfetchmewiththebutt-endofit？"Therewaswisdominthatviewofit，andI
stoppedtoparley。Ifoundhewasonlyafriendlyvillainwhowantedatrifleofbucksheesh，andafterbeggingwhathecouldgetinthatway，wasperfectlywillingtotradeoffeverythinghehadformore。Ibelievehewouldhavepartedwithhislastshirtforbucksheeshifhehadhadone。Hewassmokingthe"humbliest"pipeIeversaw——adingy，funnel-
shaped，red-claything，streakedandgrimedwithoilandtearsoftobacco，andwithallthedifferentkindsofdirtthereare，andthirtypercent。ofthempeculiarandindigenoustoEndorandperdition。Andrank？Ineversmeltanythinglikeit。Itwitheredacactusthatstoodliftingitspricklyhandsaloftbesidethetrail。Itevenwokeupmyhorse。IsaidIwouldtakethat。Itcostmeafranc，aRussiankopek，abrassbutton，andaslatepencil；andmyspendthriftlavishnesssowonuponthesonofthedesertthathepassedoverhispouchofmostunspeakablyvillainoustobaccotomeasafreegift。Whatapipeitwas，tobesure！Ithadarudebrass-wirecovertoit，andalittlecoarseironchainsuspendedfromthebowl，withanironsplinterattachedtoloosenupthetobaccoandpickyourteethwith。Thestemlookedlikethehalfofaslenderwalking-stickwiththebarkon。
IfeltthatthispipehadbelongedtotheoriginalWitchofEndorassoonasIsawit；andassoonasIsmeltit，Iknewit。Moreover，IaskedtheArabcubingoodEnglishifitwasnotso，andheansweredingoodArabicthatitwas。Iwokeupmyhorseandwentmyway，smoking。AndpresentlyIsaidtomyselfreflectively，"Ifthereisanythingthatcouldmakeamandeliberatelyassaultadyingcripple，Ireckonmaybeanunexpectedwhifffromthispipewoulddoit。"IsmokedalongtillIfoundIwasbeginningtolie，andprojectmurder，andstealmyownthingsoutofonepocketandhidetheminanother；andthenIputupmytreasure，tookoffmyspursandputthemundermyhorse’stail，andshortlycametearingthroughourcaravanlikeahurricane。
Fromthattimeforward，goingtoJerusalem，theDeadSea，andtheJordan，Bethany，Bethlehem，andeverywhere，Iloafedcontentedlyintherearandenjoyedmyinfamouspipeandrevelledinimaginaryvillany。ButattheendoftwoweeksweturnedourfacestowardtheseaandjourneyedovertheJudeanhills，andthroughrockydefiles，andamongthescenesthatSamsonknewinhisyouth，andbyandbywetouchedlevelgroundjustatnight，andtrottedoffcheerilyovertheplainofSharon。Itwasperfectlyjollyforthreehours，andwewhitescrowdedalongtogether，closeafterthechiefArabmuleteer（allthepack-animalsandtheotherArabsweremilesintherear），andwelaughed，andchatted，andarguedhotlyaboutSamson，andwhethersuicidewasasinornot，sincePaulspeaksofSamsondistinctlyasbeingsavedandinheaven。Butbyandbythenightair，andtheduskiness，andthewearinessofeighthoursinthesaddle，begantotell，andconversationflaggedandfinallydiedoututterly。Thesqueak-squeakingofthesaddlesgrewverydistinct；
occasionallysomebodysighed，orstartedtohumatuneandgaveitup；
nowandthenahorsesneezed。Thesethingsonlyemphasisedthesolemnityandthestillness。EverybodygotsolistlessthatforonceIandmydreamerfoundourselvesinthelead。Itwasaglad，newsensation，andIlongedtokeeptheplaceforevermore。Everylittlestirinthedingycavalcadebehindmademenervous。DavisandIwereridingsidebyside，rightaftertheArab。About11o’clockithadbecomereallychilly，andthedozingboysrousedupandbegantoinquirehowfaritwastoRamlahyet，andtodemandthattheArabhurryalongfaster。Igaveitupthen，andmyheartsankwithinme，becauseofcoursetheywouldcomeuptoscoldtheArab。IknewIhadtotaketherearagain。InmysorrowI
unconsciouslytooktomypipe，myonlycomfort。AsItouchedthematchtoitthewholecompanycamelumberingupandcrowdingmyhorse’srumpandflanks。Awhiffofsmokedriftedbackovermyshoulder，and——
"ThesufferingMoses！"
"Whew！"
"ByGeorge，whoopenedthatgraveyard？"
"Boys，thatArab’sbeenswallowingsomethingdead！"
Rightawaytherewasagapbehindus。Whiffafterwhiffsailedairilyback，andeachonewidenedthebreach。Withinfifteensecondsthebarking，andgasping，andsneezing，andcoughingoftheboys，andtheirangryabuseoftheArabguide，haddwindledtoamurmur，andDavisandI
werealonewiththeleader。Davisdidnotknowwhatthematterwas，anddon’ttothisday。OccasionallyhecaughtafaintfilmofthesmokeandfelltoscoldingattheArabandwonderinghowlonghehadbeendecayinginthatway。Ourboyskeptondroppingbackfurtherandfurther，tillatlasttheywereonlyinhearing，notinsight。AndeverytimetheystartedgingerlyforwardtoreconnoitreorshoottheArab，astheyproposedtodo——Iletthemgetwithingoodfairrangeofmyrelic（shewouldcarryseventyyardswithwonderfulprecision），andthenwaftedawhiffamongthemthatsentthemgaspingandstranglingtotherearagain。
Ikeptmygunwellchargedandready，andtwicewithinthehourIdecoyedtheboysrightuptomyhorse’stail，andthenwithonemalariousblastemptiedthesaddles，almost。IneverheardanArababusedsoinmylife。
Hereallyowedhispreservationtome，becauseforoneentirehourI
stoodbetweenhimandcertaindeath。Theboyswouldhavekilledhimiftheycouldhavegotbyme。
Byandby，whenthecompanywerefarintherear，Iputawaymypipe——
Iwasgettingfearfullydryandcrispaboutthegillsandratherblownwithgooddiligentwork——andspurredmyanimatedtranceupalongsidetheArabandstoppedhimandaskedforwater。Heunslunghislittlegourd-
shapedearthenwarejug，andIputitundermymoustacheandtookalong，glorious，satisfyingdraught。Iwasgoingtoscourthemouthofthejugalittle，butIsawthatIhadbroughtthewholetraintogetheroncemorebymydelay，andthattheywereallanxioustodrinktoo-andwouldhavebeenlongagoiftheArabhadnotpretendedthathewasoutofwater。
SoIhastenedtopassthevesseltoDavis。Hetookamouthful，andneversaidaword，butclimbedoffhishorseandlaydowncalmlyintheroad。
IfeltsorryforDavis。Itwastoolatenow，though，andDanwasdrinking。Dangotdowntoo，andhuntedforasoftplace。IthoughtI
heardDansay，"ThatArab’sfriendsoughttokeephiminalcoholorelsetakehimoutandburyhimsomewhere。"Alltheboystookadrinkandclimbeddown。Itisnotwelltogointofurtherparticulars。Letusdrawthecurtainuponthisact……
Well，now，tothinkthatafterthreechangingyearsIshouldhearfromthatcuriousoldrelicagain，andseeDanadvertisingitforsaleforthebenefitofabenevolentobject。Danisnottreatingthatpresentright。
Igavethatpipetohimforakeepsake。However，heprobablyfindsthatitkeepsawaycustomandinterfereswithbusiness。Itisthemostconvincinginanimateobjectinallthispartoftheworld，perhaps。DanandIwereroommatesinallthatlong"QuakerCity"voyage，andwheneverIdesiredtohavealittleseasonofprivacyIusedtofireuponthatpipeandpersuadeDantogoout；andheseldomwaitedtochangehisclothes，either。Inaboutaquarter，orfromthattothree-quartersofaminute，bewouldbeproppingupthesmoke-stackontheupperdeckandcursing。Iwonderhowthefaithfuloldrelicisgoingtosell？
AREMINISCENCEOFTHEBACKSETTLEMENTS
Nowthatcorpse[saidtheundertaker，pattingthefoldedhandsofthedeceasedapprovinglywasabrick-everywayyoutookhimhewasabrick。
Hewassorealaccommodating，andsomodest-likeandsimpleinhislastmoments。Friendswantedmetallicburialcase——nothingelsewoulddo。
Icouldn’tgetit。Therewarn’tgoingtobetimeanybodycouldseethat。
Corpsesaidnevermind，shakehimupsomekindofaboxhecouldstretchoutincomfortable，hewarn’tparticular’boutthegeneralstyleofit。
Saidhewentmoreonroomthanstyle，anyway，inthelastfinalcontainer。Friendswantedasilverdoor-plateonthecoffin，signifyingwhohewasandwher，hewasfrom。Nowyouknowafellowcouldn’troustoutsuchagailythingasthatinalittlecountrytownlikethis。Whatdidcorpsesay？Corpsesaid，whitewashhisoldcanoeanddobhisaddressandgeneraldestinationontoitwithablackingbrushandastencilplate，longwithaversefromsomelikelyhymnorother，andpinthimforthetomb，andmarkhimC。O。D。，andjustlethimskipalong。Hewarn’tdistressedanymorethanyoube——onthecontraryjustascarmandcollectedasahearse-horse；saidhejudgedthatwher’hewasgoingto，abodywouldfinditconsiderablebettertoattractattentionbyapicturesquemoralcharacterthananattyburialcasewithaswelldoorplateonit。Splendidman，hewas。I’ddrutherdoforacorpselikethat’nanyI’vetackledinsevenyear。There’ssomesatisfactioninburyin’amanlikethat。Youfeelthatwhatyou’redoingisappreciated。
Lordblessyou，so’shegotplantedbeforehesp’iled，hewasperfectlysatisfied；saidhisrelationsmeantwell，perfectlywell，butallthempreparationswasboundtodelaythethingmoreorless，andhedidn’twishtobekeptlayin’round。Youneverseesuchaclearheadaswhathehad——andsocarmandsocool。Justahunkofbrainsthatiswhathewas。
Perfectlyawful。Itwasarippingdistancefromoneendofthatman’sheadtot’other。Oftenandoveragainhe’shadbrainfevera-raginginoneplace，andtherestofthepiledidn’tknowanythingaboutit——didn’taffectitanymorethananInjuninsurrectioninArizonaaffectstheAtlanticStates。Well，therelationstheywantedabigfuneral，butcorpsesaidhewasdownonflummery——didn’twantanyprocession——fillthehearsefullofmourners，andgetoutasternlineandtowhimbehind。
HewasthemostdownonstyleofanyremainsIeverstruck。Abeautiful，simple-mindedcreature——itwaswhathewas，youcandependonthat。Hewasjustsetonhavingthingsthewayhewantedthem，andhetookasolidcomfortinlayinghislittleplans。Hehadmemeasurehimandtakeawholeraftofdirections；thenhehadaministerstandupbehindalongboxwithatableclothoveritandreadhisfuneralsermon，saying’Angcore，angcore！’atthegoodplaces，andmakinghimscratchouteverybitofbragabouthim，andallthehifalutin；andthenhemadethemtrotoutthechoirso’shecouldhelpthempickoutthetunesfortheoccasion，andhegotthemtosing’PopGoestheWeasel，’becausehe’dalwayslikedthattunewhenhewasdownhearted，andsolemnmusicmadehimsad；andwhentheysungthatwithtearsintheireyes（becausetheyalllovedhim），andhisrelationsgrievingaround，hejustlaidthereashappyasabug，andtryingtobeattimeandshowingalloverhowmuchheenjoyedit；andpresentlyhegotworkedupandexcited；andtriedtojoinin，formindyouhewasprettyproudofhisabilitiesinthesingingline；butthefirsttimeheopenedhismouthandwasjustgoingtospreadhimself，hisbreathtookawalk。Ineverseeamansnuffedoutsosudden。Ah，itwasagreatloss——itwasapowerfullosstothispoorlittleone-horsetown。Well，well，well，Ihain’tgottimetobepalaveringalonghere——gottonailonthelidandmoseyalongwith’him；