"Oh，didyou？Youthoughtthatagoodidea。AnA1prizeidiotI
　　seemtohavemarried，Ido。You’vebeengonetwentyminutes，andyoubringmebackaneight-corneredpieceofbrokenglass，whichyouthinkwemight’workinto’thenest。You’dliketoseemesittingonitforamonth，youwould。Youthinkitwouldmakeanicebedforthechildrentolieon。Youdon’tthinkyoucouldmanagetofindapacketofmixedpinsifyouwentdownagain，Isuppose。
　　They’dlookpretty’workedin’somewhere，don’tyouthink？——Here，getoutofmyway。I’llfinishthisnestbymyself。"Shealwayshadbeenshortwithhim。
　　Shecaughtuptheoffendingobject——itwasafairlyheavylumpofglass——andflungitoutofthetreewithallherforce。Ihearditcrashthroughthecucumberframe。Thatmakestheseventhpaneofglassbrokeninthatcucumberframethisweek。Thecoupleinthebranchabovearetheworst。Theirplanofbuildingisthemostextravagant，themostabsurdIeverheardof。Theyhoistuptentimesasmuchmaterialastheycanpossiblyuse；youmightthinktheyweregoingtobuildablock，andletitoutinflatstotheotherrooks。Thenwhattheydon’twanttheyflingdownagain。
　　Supposewebuiltonsuchaprinciple？SupposeahumanhusbandandwifeweretostarterectingtheirhouseinPiccadillyCircus，letussay；andsupposethemanspentallthedaysteadilycarryingbricksuptheladderwhilehiswifelaidthem，neveraskingherhowmanyshewanted，whethershedidn’tthinkhehadbroughtupsufficient，butjustaccumulatingbricksinasenselessfashion，bringingupeverybrickhecouldfind。Andthensuppose，wheneveningcame，andlookinground，theyfoundtheyhadsometwentycart-loadsofbrickslyingunuseduponthescaffold，theyweretocommenceflingingthemdownintoWaterlooPlace。Theywouldgetthemselvesintotrouble；
　　somebodywouldbesuretospeaktothemaboutit。Yetthatispreciselywhatthosebirdsdo，andnobodysaysawordtothem。TheyaresupposedtohaveaPresident。Helivesbyhimselfintheyewtreeoutsidethemorning-roomwindow。WhatIwanttoknowiswhatheissupposedtobegoodfor。ThisisthesortofthingIwanthimtolookinto。Iwouldlikehimtobewormingunderneathoneeveningwhenthosetwobirdsaretidyingup：perhapshewoulddosomethingthen。IhavedoneallIcan。Ihavethrownstonesatthem，that，inthecourseofnature，havereturnedtoearthagain，breakingmoreglass。Ihaveblazedatthemwitharevolver；buttheyhavecometoregardthisproceedingasamereexpressionoflight-heartednessonmypart，possiblyconfusingmewiththeAraboftheDesert，who，I
　　amgiventounderstand，expresseshimselfthusinmomentsofdeepemotion。Theymerelyretiretoasafedistancetowatchme；nodoubtregardingmeasapoorperformer，inasmuchasIdonotalsodanceandshoutbetweeneachshot。Ihavenoobjectiontotheirbuildingthere，iftheyonlywouldbuildsensibly。Iwantsomebodytospeaktothemtowhomtheywillpayattention。
　　Youcanhearthemintheevening，discussingthematterofthissurplusstock。
　　"Don’tyouworkanymore，"hesays，ashecomesupwiththelastload，"you’lltireyourself。"
　　"Well，Iamfeelingabitdoneup，"sheanswers，asshehopsoutofthenestandstraightensherback。
　　"You’reabitpeckish，too，Iexpect，"headdssympathetically。"I
　　knowIam。Wewillhaveascratchdown，andbeoff。"
　　"Whataboutallthisstuff？"sheasks，whiletitivatingherself；
　　"we’dbetternotleaveitabout，itlookssountidy。"
　　"Oh，we’llsoongetridofthat，"heanswers。"I’llhavethatdowninajiffy。"
　　Tohelphim，sheseizesastickandisabouttodropit。Hedartsforwardandsnatchesitfromher。
　　"Don’tyouwastethatone，"hecries，"that’sarareone，thatis。
　　Youseemehittheoldmanwithit。"
　　Andhedoes。Whatthegardenersays，Iwillleaveyoutoimagine。
　　Judgedfromitsstructure，therookfamilyissupposedtocomenextinintelligencetomanhimself。JudgingfromtheintelligencedisplayedbymembersofcertainhumanfamilieswithwhomIhavecomeincontact，Icanquitebelieveit。ThatrookstalkIampositive。
　　Noonecanspendhalf-an-hourwatchingarookerywithoutbeingconvincedofthis。Whetherthetalkbealwayswiseandwitty，Iamnotpreparedtomaintain；butthatthereisagooddealofitiscertain。AyoungFrenchgentlemanofmyacquaintance，whovisitedEnglandtostudythelanguage，toldmethattheimpressionmadeuponhimbyhisfirstsocialeveninginLondonwasthatofaparrot-house。Lateron，whenhecametocomprehend，he，ofcourse，recognizedthebrilliancyanddepthoftheaverageLondondrawing-roomtalk；butthatishow，notcomprehending，itimpressedhimatfirst。Listeningtotheriotofarookeryismuchthesameexperience。Theconversationtoussoundsmeaningless；therooksthemselveswouldprobablydescribeitassparkling。
　　ThereisaMisanthropeIknowwhohardlyevergoesintoSociety。I
　　arguedthequestionwithhimoneday。"WhyshouldI？"hereplied；
　　"Iknow，say，adozenmenandwomenwithwhomintercourseisapleasure；theyhaveideasoftheirownwhichtheyarenotafraidtovoice。Torubbrainswithsuchisarareandgoodlything，andI
　　thankHeavenfortheirfriendship；buttheyaresufficientformyleisure。WhatmoredoIrequire？Whatisthis’Society’ofwhichyouallmakesomuchado？Ihavesampledit，andIfinditunsatisfying。Analyzeitintoitselements，whatisit？SomepersonIknowveryslightly，whoknowsmeveryslightly，asksmetowhatyoucallan’AtHome。’Theeveningcomes，Ihavedonemyday’sworkandIhavedined。Ihavebeentoatheatreorconcert，orI
　　havespentapleasanthourorsowithafriend。Iammoreinclinedforbedthananythingelse，butIpullmyselftogether，dress，anddrivetothehouse。WhileIamtakingoffmyhatandcoatinthehall，amanentersImetafewhoursagoattheClub。HeisamanI
　　haveverylittleopinionof，andhe，probably，takesasimilarviewofme。Ourmindshavenothoughtincommon，butasitisnecessarytotalk，Itellhimitisawarmevening。Perhapsitisawarmevening，perhapsitisn’t；ineithercaseheagreeswithme。IaskhimifheisgoingtoAscot。IdonotcareastrawwhetherheisgoingtoAscotornot。Hesaysheisnotquitesure，butasksmewhatchancePassionFlowerhasfortheThousandGuineas。Iknowhedoesn’tvaluemyopiniononthesubjectatabrassfarthing——hewouldbeafoolifhedid，butIcudgelmybrainstoreplytohim，asthoughheweregoingtostakehisshirtonmyadvice。Wereachthefirstfloor，andaremutuallygladtogetridofoneanother。I
　　catchmyhostess’eye。Shelookstiredandworried；shewouldbehappierinbed，onlyshedoesn’tknowit。Shesmilessweetly，butitisclearshehasnottheslightestideawhoIam，andiswaitingtocatchmynamefromthebutler。Iwhisperittohim。Perhapshewillgetitright，perhapshewon’t；itisquiteimmaterial。Theyhaveaskedtwohundredandfortyguests，someseventy-fiveofwhomtheyknowbysight，fortherest，anychancepasser-by，able，asthetheatricaladvertisementssay，’todressandbehaveasagentleman，’
　　woulddoeverybitaswell。Indeed，Isometimeswonderwhypeoplegotothetroubleandexpenseofinvitationcardsatall。A
　　sandwich-manoutsidethedoorwouldanswerthepurpose。’LadyTompkins，AtHome，thisafternoonfromthreetoseven；TeaandMusic。LadiesandGentlemenadmittedonpresentationofvisitingcard。Afternoondressindispensable。’Thecrowdisthethingwanted；asfortheitems，well，tellme，whatisthedifference，fromtheSocietypointofview，betweenonemaninablackfrock-coatandanother？
　　"IrememberbeingonceinvitedtoapartyatahouseinLancasterGate。Ihadmetthewomanatapicnic。InthesamegreenfrockandparasolImighthaverecognizedherthenexttimeIsawher。InanyotherclothesIdidnotexpectto。Mycabmantookmetothehouseopposite，wheretheywerealsogivingaparty。Itmadenodifferencetoanyofus。Thehostess——Ineverlearnthername——saiditwasverygoodofmetocome，andthenshuntedmeoffontoaColonialPremier（Ididnotcatchhisname，andhedidnotcatchmine，whichwasnotextraordinary，seeingthatmyhostessdidnotknowit）who，shewhisperedtome，hadcomeover，fromwhereveritwas（shedidnotseemtobeverysure）principallytomakemyacquaintance。Halfthroughtheevening，andbyaccident，I
　　discoveredmymistake，butjudgedittoolatetosayanythingthen。
　　ImetacoupleofpeopleIknew，hadalittlesupperwiththem，andcameaway。ThenextafternoonImetmyrighthostess——theladywhoshouldhavebeenmyhostess。Shethankedmeeffusivelyforhavingsacrificedthepreviouseveningtoherandherfriends；shesaidsheknewhowseldomIwentout：thatmadeherfeelmykindnessallthemore。ShetoldmethattheBrazilianMinister’swifehadtoldherthatIwasthecleverestmanshehadevermet。IoftenthinkI
　　shouldliketomeetthatman，whoeverhemaybe，andthankhim。
　　"Butperhapsthebutlerdoespronouncemynamerightly，andperhapsmyhostessactuallydoesrecognizeme。Shesmiles，andsaysshewassoafraidIwasnotcoming。Sheimpliesthatalltheotherguestsarebutasafeatherinherscalesofjoycomparedwithmyself。I
　　smileinreturn，wonderingtomyselfhowIlookwhenIdosmile。I
　　haveneverhadthecouragetofacemyownsmileinthelooking-glass。InoticetheSocietysmileofothermen，anditisnotreassuring。Imurmursomethingaboutmynothavingbeenlikelytoforgetthisevening；inmyturn，seekingtoimplythatIhavebeenlookingforwardtoitforweeks。Afewmenshineatthissortofthing，buttheyareasmallpercentage，andwithoutconceitI
　　regardmyselfasnobiggerafoolthantheaveragemale。Notknowingwhatelsetosay，Itellheralsothatitisawarmevening。
　　Shesmilesarchlyasthoughthereweresomehiddenwitticismintheremark，andIdriftaway，feelingashamedofmyself。TotalkasanidiotwhenyouAREanidiotbringsnodiscomfort；tobehaveasanidiotwhenyouhavesufficientsensetoknowit，ispainful。Ihidemyselfinthecrowd，andperhapsI’llmeetawomanIwasintroducedtothreeweeksagoatapicturegallery。Wedon’tknoweachother’snames，but，bothofusfeelinglonesome，weconverse，asitiscalled。Ifshebetheordinarytypeofwoman，sheasksmeifIamgoingontotheJohnsons’。Itellherno。Westandsilentforamoment，boththinkingwhatnexttosay。SheasksmeifIwasattheThompsons’thedaybeforeyesterday。Iagaintellherno。IbegintofeeldissatisfiedwithmyselfthatIwasnotattheThompsons’。
　　Tryingtogetevenwithher，IaskherifsheisgoingtotheBrowns’nextMonday。（TherearenoBrowns，shewillhavetosay，No。）Sheisnot，andhertonesuggeststhatasocialstigmarestsupontheBrowns。IaskherifshehasbeentoBarnum’sCircus；shehasn’t，butisgoing。IgivehermyimpressionsofBarnum’sCircus，whicharepreciselytheimpressionsofeverybodyelsewhohasseentheshow。
　　"Orifluckbeagainstme，sheispossiblyasmartwoman，thatistosay，herconversationisarunningfireofspitefulremarksattheexpenseofeveryonesheknows，andofsneersattheexpenseofeveryoneshedoesn’t。IalwaysfeelIcouldmakeabetterwomanmyself，outofabottleofvinegarandapenn’orthofmixedpins。
　　Yetitusuallytakesoneabouttenminutestogetawayfromher。
　　"Evenwhen，bychance，onemeetsaflesh-and-bloodmanorwomanatsuchgatherings，itisnotthetimeorplaceforrealconversation；
　　andasfortheshadows，whatpersonintheirsenseswouldexhaustasinglebraincelluponsuch？IrememberadiscussiononceconcerningTennyson，consideredasasocialitem。Thedullestandmostdensely-stupidboreIevercameacrosswastellinghowhehadsatnexttoTennysonatdinner。’Ifoundhimamostuninterestingman，’soheconfidedtous；’hehadnothingtosayforhimself——
　　absolutelynothing。’IshouldliketoresuscitateDr。SamuelJohnsonforanevening，andthrowhimintooneofthese’AtHomes’
　　ofyours。"
　　Myfriendisanadmittedmisanthrope，asIhaveexplained；butonecannotdismisshimasaltogetherunjust。ThatthereisacertainmysteryaboutSociety’scravingforSocietymustbeadmitted。I
　　stoodoneeveningtryingtoforcemywayintothesupperroomofahouseinBerkeleySquare。Alady，hotandweary，afewyardsinfrontofmewasstrugglingtothesamegoal。
　　"Why，"remarkedshetohercompanion，"whydowecometotheseplaces，andfightlikeaBankHolidaycrowdforeighteenpenny-worthoffood？"
　　"Wecomehere，"repliedtheman，whomIjudgedtobeaphilosopher，"tosaywe’vebeenhere。"
　　ImetA————-theotherevening，andaskedhimtodinewithmeonMonday。Idon’tknowwhyIaskA————-todinewithme，butaboutonceamonthIdo。Heisanuninterestingman。
　　"Ican’t，"hesaid，"I’vegottogototheB————-s’；confoundednuisance，itwillbeinfernallydull。"
　　"Whygo？"Iasked。
　　"Ireallydon’tknow，"hereplied。
　　AlittlelaterB————-metme，andaskedmetodinewithhimonMonday。
　　"Ican’t，"Ianswered，"somefriendsarecomingtousthatevening。
　　It’sadutydinner，youknowthesortofthing。"
　　"Iwishyoucouldhavemanagedit，"hesaid，"Ishallhavenoonetotalkto。TheA————-sarecoming，andtheyboremetodeath。"
　　"Whydoyouaskhim？"Isuggested。
　　"Uponmyword，Ireallydon’tknow，"hereplied。
　　Buttoreturntoourrooks。Wewerespeakingoftheirsocialinstincts。Somedozenofthem——the"scallywags"andbachelorsofthecommunity，Ijudgethemtobe——havestartedaClub。ForamonthpastIhavebeentryingtounderstandwhattheaffairwas。NowI
　　know：itisaClub。
　　AndfortheirClubHousetheyhavechosen，ofcourse，thetreenearestmybedroomwindow。Icanguesshowthatcameabout；itwasmyownfault，Ineverthoughtofit。Abouttwomonthsago，asinglerook——sufferingfromindigestionoranunhappymarriage，Iknownot——
　　chosethistreeonenightforpurposesofreflection。Hewokemeup：Ifeltangry。Iopenedthewindow，andthrewanemptysoda-waterbottleathim。Ofcourseitdidnothithim，andfindingnothingelsetothrow，Ishoutedathim，thinkingtofrightenhimaway。Hetooknonotice，butwentontalkingtohimself。Ishoutedlouder，andwokeupmyowndog。Thedogbarkedfuriously，andwokeupmostthingswithinaquarterofamile。Ihadtogodownwithaboot-jack——theonlythingIcouldfindhandy——tosoothethedog。
　　TwohourslaterIfellasleepfromexhaustion。Ilefttherookstillcawing。
　　Thenextnighthecameagain。Ishouldsayhewasabirdwithasenseofhumour。Thinkingthismighthappen，Ihad，however，takentheprecautiontohaveafewstonesready。Iopenedthewindowwide，andfiredthemoneafteranotherintothetree。AfterIhadclosedthewindow，hehoppeddownnearer，andcawedlouderthanever。Ithinkhewantedmetothrowmorestonesathim：heappearedtoregardthewholeproceedingasagame。Onthethirdnight，asIheardnothingofhim，Iflatteredmyselfthat，inspiteofhisbravado，Ihaddiscouragedhim。Imighthaveknownrooksbetter。
　　WhathappenedwhentheClubwasbeingformed，Itakeit，wasthis：
　　"WhereshallwefixuponforourClubHouse？"saidthesecretary，allotherpointshavingbeendisposedof。Onesuggestedthistree，anothersuggestedthat。Thenupspokethisparticularrook：
　　"I’lltellyouwhere，"saidhe，"intheyewtreeoppositetheporch。
　　AndI’lltellyouforwhy。Justaboutanhourbeforedawnamancomestothewindowovertheporch，dressedinthemostcomicalcostumeyoueverseteyesupon。I’lltellyouwhatheremindsmeof——thoselittlestatuesthatmenusefordecoratingfields。Heopensthewindow，andthrowsalotofthingsoutuponthelawn，andthenhedancesandsings。It’sawfullyinteresting，andyoucanseeitallfromtheyewtree。"
　　That，Iamconvinced，ishowtheClubcametofixuponthetreenextmywindow。Ihavehadthesatisfactionofdenyingthemtheexhibitiontheyanticipated，andIcheermyselfwiththehopethattheyhavevisitedtheirdisappointmentupontheirmisleader。
　　ThereisadifferencebetweenRookClubsandours。Inourclubstherespectablemembersarriveearly，andleaveatareasonablehour；inRookClubs，itwouldappear，thisprincipleisreversed。TheMadHatterwouldhavelikedthisClub——itwouldhavebeenaclubafterhisownheart。Itopensathalf-pasttwointhemorning，andthefirsttoarrivearethemostdisreputablemembers。InRook-landtherowdy-dowdy，randy-dandy，rollicky-rankyboysgetupveryearlyinthemorningandgotobedintheafternoon。Towardsdawn，theolder，moreorderlymembersdropinforreasonabletalk，andtheClubbecomesmorerespectable。Thetreeclosesaboutsix。Forthefirsttwohours，however，thegoings-onaredisgraceful。Theproceedings，asoftenasnot，openwithafight。Ifnotwogentlemencanbefoundtoobligewithafight，thenextnoisiestthingtofallbackuponisheldtobeasong。Itisnosatisfactiontometobetoldthatrookscannotsing。_I_knowthat，withoutthetroubleofreferringtothenaturalhistorybook。Itistherookwhodoesnotknowit；HEthinkshecan；andasamatteroffact，hedoes。Youcancriticizehissinging，youcancallitwhatyoulike，butyoucan’tstopit——atleast，thatismyexperience。Thesongselectedissuretobeonewithachorus。Towardstheenditbecomesmainlychorus，unlessthesoloistbeanextrapowerfulbird，determinedtoinsistuponhisrights。
　　ThePresidentknowsnothingofthisClub。Hegetsuphimselfaboutseven——threehoursafteralltheothershavefinishedbreakfast——andthenfussesroundundertheimpressionthatheiswakingupthecolony，thefat-headedoldfool。HeisthepoorestthinginPresidentsIhaveeverheardof。ASouthAmericanRepublicwouldsupplyabetterarticle。Therooksthemselves，themarriedmajority，fathersoffamilies，respectablenestholders，areasindignantasIam。Ihearcomplaintsfromallquarters。
　　Reflectioncomestooneas，towardsthecloseofthesechillafternoonsinearlyspring，oneleansuponthepaddockgatewatchingthenoisybustlinginthebareelms。
　　Sotheearthisgrowinggreenagain，andloveiscomeagainuntotheheartsofusoldsober-coatedfellows。Oh，Madam，yourfeathersgleamwondrousblack，andyourbonniebrighteyestabsdeep。Come，sitbyourside，andwe’lltellyouatalesuchasrooknevertoldbefore。It’sthetaleofanestinatopmostbough，thatswaysinthegoodwestwind。It’sstrongwithout，butit’ssoftwithin，wherethelittlegreeneggsliesafe。Andtheresitsinthatnestaladysweet，andshecawswithjoy，for，afar，sheseestherookshelovesthebest。Oh，hehasbeeneast，andhehasbeenwest，andhiscropitisfullofwormsandslugs，andtheyareallforher。
　　Weareold，oldrooks，somanyofus。Thewhiteisminglingwiththepurpleblackuponourbreasts。Wehaveseenthesetallelmsgrowfromsaplings；wehaveseentheoldtreesfallanddie。Yeteachseasoncometousagaintheyoungthoughts。Sowemateandbuildandgatherthatagainourold，oldheartsmayquivertothethincryofournewborn。
　　MotherNaturehasbutonecare，thechildren。WetalkofLoveastheLordofLife：itisbuttheMinister。OurnovelsendwhereNature’stalebegins。Thedramathatourcurtainfallsupon，isbuttheprologuetoherplay。HowtheancientDamemustlaughasshelistenstotheprattleofherchildren。"IsMarriageaFailure？"
　　"IsLifeworthLiving？""TheNewWomanversustheOld。"So，perhaps，thewavesoftheAtlanticdiscussvehementlywhethertheyshallfloweastorwest。
　　MotherhoodisthelawoftheUniverse。Thewholedutyofmanistobeamother。Welabour：towhatend？thechildren——thewomaninthehome，themaninthecommunity。Thenationtakesthoughtforitsfuture：why？Inafewyearsitsstatesmen，itssoldiers，itsmerchants，itstoilers，willbegathereduntotheirfathers。Whytroubleweourselvesaboutthefuture？Thecountrypoursitsbloodandtreasureintotheearththatthechildrenmayreap。FoolishJacquesBonhomie，hisaddledbrainfullofdreams，rusheswithbloodyhandstogivehisbloodforLiberty，Equality，Fraternity。
　　Hewillnotlivetosee，exceptinvision，thenewworldhegiveshisbonestobuild——evenhisspinningword-whippedheadknowsthat。
　　Butthechildren！theyshalllivesweeterlives。Thepeasantleaveshisfiresidetodieuponthebattle-field。Whatisittohim，agraininthehumansand，thatRussiashouldconquertheEast，thatGermanyshouldbeunited，thattheEnglishflagshouldwaveabovenewlands？theheritagehisfatherslefthimshallbegreaterforhissons。Patriotism！whatisitbutthemotherinstinctofapeople？
　　TakeitthatthedecreehasgoneforthfromHeaven：Thereshallbenomoregenerations，withthislifetheworldshalldie。Thinkyouweshouldmoveanotherhand？Theshipswouldrotintheharbours，thegrainwouldrotintheground。Shouldwepaintpictures，writebooks，makemusic？hemmedinbythatonwardcreepingseaofsilence。
　　Thinkyouwithwhateyeshusbandandwifewouldlookononeanother。
　　Thinkyouofthewooing——thespringofLovedriedup；loveonlyapoolofstagnantwater。
　　Howlittleweseemtorealizethisfoundationofourlife。Herein，ifnowhereelse，liesoureternity。ThisEgoshallneverdie——
　　unlessthehumanracefrombeginningtoendbebutapassingjestoftheGods，tobesweptasidewhenweariedof，leavingroomfornewexperiments。Thesefeaturesofmine——wewillnotdiscusstheiraestheticvalue——shallneverdisappear；modified，varied，butinessentialthesame，theyshallcontinueineverincreasingcirclestotheendofTime。Thistemperamentofmine——thisgoodandevilthatisinme，itshallgrowwitheveryage，spreadingeverwider，combining，amalgamating。Igointomychildrenandmychildren’schildren，Iameternal。Iamthey，theyareI。Thetreewithersandyoucleartheground，thankfulifoutofitsdeadlimbsyoucanmakegoodfirewood；butitsspirit，itslife，isinfiftysaplings。
　　Thetreediesnot，itchanges。
　　Thesemenandwomenthatpassmeinthestreet，thisonehurryingtohisoffice，thisonetohisclub，anothertohislove，theyarethemothersoftheworldtocome。
　　Thisgreedytricksterinstocksandshares，hecheats，helies，hewrongsallmen——forwhat？Followhimtohisluxurioushomeinthesuburbs：whatdoyoufind？Amanwithchildrenonhisknee，tellingthemstories，promisingthemtoys。Hisanxious，sordidlife，forwhatobjectisitlived？Thatthesechildrenmaypossessthethingsthathethinksgoodforthem。Ourveryvices，sidebysidewithourvirtues，springfromthisoneroot，Motherhood。ItistheoneseedoftheUniverse。Theplanetsarebutchildrenofthesun，themoonbutanoffspringoftheearth，stoneofherstone，ironofheriron。WhatistheGreatCentreofusall，lifeanimateandinanimate——ifanylifebeinanimate？Istheeternaluniverseonedimfigure，Motherhood，fillingallspace？
　　ThisschemingMotherofMayfair，anglingforarichson-in-law！Notapleasingportraittolookupon，fromonepointofview。Letuslookatit，foramoment，fromanother。Howwearyshemustbe！
　　Thisisherthird"function"to-night；thepaintisrunningoffherpoorface。Shehasbeensnubbedadozentimesbyhersocialsuperiors，openlyinsultedbyaDuchess；yetshebearsitwithapatientsmile。Itisapitifulambition，hers：itisthatherchildshallmarrymoney，shallhavecarriagesandmanyservants，liveinParkLane，weardiamonds，seehernameintheSocietyPapers。Atwhatevercosttoherself，herdaughtershall，ifpossible，enjoythesethings。Shecouldsomuchmorecomfortablygotobed，andleavethechildtomarrysomewell-to-docommercialtraveller。Justice，Reader，evenforsuch。HersordidschemingisbutthedeformedchildofMotherhood。
　　Motherhood！itisthegamutofGod’sorchestra，savagenessandcrueltyattheoneend，tendernessandself-sacrificeattheother。
　　Thesparrow-hawkfightsthehen：heseekingfoodforhisbrood，shedefendingherswithherlife。Thespidersuckstheflytofeeditsmyriadyoung；thecattorturesthemousetogiveitsstillthrobbingcarcasetoherkittens，andmanwrongsmanforchildren’ssake。
　　Perhapswhentheriotoftheworldreachesuswhole，notbroken，weshalllearnitisaharmony，eachjanglingdiscordfallenintoitsplacearoundthecentraltheme，Motherhood。
　　ONTHEINADVISABILITYOFFOLLOWINGADVICE
　　IwaspacingtheEustonplatformlateonewinter’snight，waitingforthelasttraintoWatford，whenInoticedamancursinganautomaticmachine。Twiceheshookhisfistatit。Iexpectedeverymomenttoseehimstrikeit。Naturallycurious，Idrewnearsoftly。
　　Iwantedtocatchwhathewassaying。However，heheardmyapproachingfootsteps，andturnedonme。"Areyoutheman，"saidhe，"whowasherejustnow？"
　　"Justwhere？"Ireplied。Ihadbeenpacingupanddowntheplatformforaboutfiveminutes。
　　"Whyhere，wherewearestanding，"hesnappedout。"Wheredoyouthink’here’is——overthere？"Heseemedirritable。
　　"Imayhavepassedthisspotinthecourseofmyperegrinations，ifthatiswhatyoumean，"Ireplied。Ispokewithstudiedpoliteness；
　　myideawastorebukehisrudeness。
　　"Imean，"heanswered，"areyouthemanthatspoketome，justaminuteago？"
　　"Iamnotthatman，"Isaid；"good-night。"
　　"Areyousure？"hepersisted。
　　"Oneisnotlikelytoforgettalkingtoyou，"Iretorted。
　　Histonehadbeenmostoffensive。"Ibegyourpardon，"herepliedgrudgingly。"Ithoughtyoulookedlikethemanwhospoketomeaminuteorsoago。"
　　Ifeltmollified；hewastheonlyothermanontheplatform，andI
　　hadaquarterofanhourtowait。"No，itcertainlywasn’tme，"I
　　returnedgenially，butungrammatically。"Why，didyouwanthim？"
　　"Yes，Idid，"heanswered。"Iputapennyintheslothere，"hecontinued，feelingapparentlytheneedofunburdeninghimself：
　　"wantedaboxofmatches。Icouldn’tgetanythingput，andIwasshakingthemachine，andswearingatit，asonedoes，whentherecamealongaman，aboutyoursize，and——you’reSUREitwasn’tyou？"
　　"Positive，"Iagainungrammaticallyreplied；"Iwouldtellyouifithadbeen。Whatdidhedo？"
　　"Well，hesawwhathadhappened，orguessedit。Hesaid，’Theyaretroublesomethings，thosemachines；theywantunderstanding。’I
　　said，’Theywanttakingupandflingingintothesea，that’swhattheywant！’IwasfeelingmadbecauseIhadn’tamatchaboutme，andIusealot。Hesaid，’Theysticksometimes；thethingtodoistoputanotherpennyin；theweightofthefirstpennyisnotalwayssufficient。Thesecondpennyloosensthedrawerandtumblesoutitself；sothatyougetyourpurchasetogetherwithyourfirstpennybackagain。Ihaveoftensucceededthatway。’Well，itseemedasillyexplanation，buthetalkedasifhehadbeenweanedbyanautomaticmachine，andIwassawneyenoughtolistentohim。I
　　droppedinwhatIthoughtwasanotherpenny。Ihavejustdiscovereditwasatwo-shillingpiece。Thefoolwasrighttoacertainextent；Ihavegotsomethingout。Ihavegotthis。"
　　Heheldittowardsme；Ilookedatit。ItwasapacketofEvertontoffee。
　　"Twoandapenny，"heremarked，bitterly。"I’llsellitforathirdofwhatitcostme。"
　　"Youhaveputyourmoneyintothewrongmachine，"Isuggested。
　　"Well，Iknowthat！"heanswered，alittlecrossly，asitseemedtome——hewasnotaniceman：hadtherebeenanyoneelsetotalktoI
　　shouldhavelefthim。"Itisn’tlosingthemoneyImindsomuch；
　　it’sgettingthisdamnthing，thatannoysme。IfIcouldfindthatidiotIdramitdownhisthroat。"
　　Wewalkedtotheendoftheplatform，sidebyside，insilence。
　　"Therearepeoplelikethat，"hebrokeout，asweturned，"peoplewhowillgoabout，givingadvice。I’llbegettingsixmonthsoveroneofthem，I’malwaysafraid。IrememberaponyIhadonce。"（I
　　judgedthemantobeasmallfarmer；hetalkedinawurzellytone。
　　Idon’tknowifyouunderstandwhatImean，butanatmosphereofwurzelswasthethingthatsomehowhesuggested。）"ItwasathoroughbredWelshpony，assoundalittlebeastaseverstepped。
　　I’dhadhimouttograssallthewinter，andonedayintheearlyspringIthoughtI’dtakehimforarun。IhadtogotoAmershamonbusiness。Iputhimintothecart，anddrovehimacross；itisjusttenmilesfrommyplace。Hewasabituppish，andhadlatheredhimselfprettyfreelybythetimewereachedthetown。
　　"Amanwasatthedoorofthehotel。Hesays，’That’sagoodponyofyours。’
　　"’Prettymiddling，’Isays。
　　"’Itdoesn’tdotoover-drive’em，whenthey’reyoung，’hesays。
　　"Isays，’He’sdonetenmiles，andI’vedonemostofthepulling。I
　　reckonI’majollysightmoreexhaustedthanheis。
　　"Iwentinsideanddidmybusiness，andwhenIcameoutthemanwasstillthere。’Goingbackupthehill？’hesaystome。
　　"Somehow，Ididn’tcottontohimfromthebeginning。’Well，I’vegottogettheothersideofit，’Isays，’andunlessyouknowanypatentwayofgettingoverahillwithoutgoingupit，IreckonI
　　am。’
　　"Hesays，’Youtakemyadvice：givehimapintofoldalebeforeyoustart。’
　　"’Oldale，’Isays；’whyhe’sateetotaler。’
　　"’Neveryoumindthat，’heanswers；’yougivehimapintofoldale。
　　Iknowtheseponies；he’sagood’un，butheain’tset。Apintofoldale，andhe’lltakeyouupthathilllikeacabletramway，andnothurthimself。’
　　"Idon’tknowwhatitisaboutthisclassofman。Oneasksoneselfafterwardswhyonedidn’tknockhishatoverhiseyesandrunhisheadintothenearesthorse-trough。Butatthetimeonelistenstothem。Igotapintofoldaleinahand-bowl，andbroughtitout。
　　Abouthalf-a-dozenchapswerestandinground，andofcoursetherewasagooddealofchaff。
　　"’You’restartinghimonthedownwardcourse，Jim，’saysoneofthem。’He’lltaketogambling，robabank，andmurderhismother。
　　That’salwaystheresultofaglassofale，’cordingtothetracts。’
　　"’Hewon’tdrinkitlikethat，’saysanother；’it’sasflatasditchwater。Putaheadonitforhim。’
　　"’Ain’tyougotacigarforhim？’saysathird。
　　"’Acupofcoffeeandaroundofbutteredtoastwoulddohimasightmoregood，acolddaylikethis，’saysafourth。
　　"I’dhalfamindthentothrowthestuffaway，ordrinkitmyself；
　　itseemedapieceofballynonsense，givinggoodaletoafour-year-oldpony；butthemomentthebeggarsmeltthebowlhereachedouthishead，andlappeditupasthoughhe’dbeenaChristian；andIjumpedintothecartandstartedoff，amidcheers。
　　Wegotupthehillprettysteady。Thentheliquorbegantoworkintohishead。I’vetakenhomeadrunkenmanmorethanonceandthere’spleasanterjobsthanthat。I’veseenadrunkenwoman，andthey’reworse。ButadrunkenWelshponyIneverwanttohaveanythingmoretodowithsolongasIlive。Havingfourlegshemanagedtoholdhimselfup；butastoguidinghimself，hecouldn’t；
　　andasforlettingmedoit，hewouldn’t。Firstwewereonesideoftheroad，andthenweweretheother。Whenwewerenoteitherside，wewerecrosswaysinthemiddle。Iheardabicyclebellbehindme，butIdarednotturnmyhead。AllIcoulddowastoshouttothefellowtokeepwherehewas。
　　"’Iwanttopassyou，’hesangout，sosoonashewasnearenough。
　　"’Well，youcan’tdoit，’Icalledback。
　　"’Whycan’tI？’heanswered。’HowmuchoftheroaddoYOUwant？’
　　"’Allofitandabitover，’Iansweredhim，’forthisjob，andnothingintheway。’
　　"Hefollowedmeforhalf-a-mile，abusingme；andeverytimehethoughthesawachancehetriedtopassme。Buttheponywasalwaysabittoosmartforhim。Youmighthavethoughtthebrutewasdoingitonpurpose。
　　"’You’renotfittobedriving，’heshouted。Hewasquiteright；I
　　wasn’t。Iwasfeelingjustaboutdeadbeat。
　　"’Whatdoyouthinkyouare？’hecontinued，’thechargeoftheLightBrigade？’（Hewasacommonsortoffellow。）’WhosentYOUhomewiththewashing？’
　　"Well，hewasmakingmewildbythistime。’What’sthegoodoftalkingtome？’Ishoutedback。’Comeandblackguardtheponyifyouwanttoblackguardanybody。I’vegotallIcandowithoutthehelpofthatalarmclockofyours。Goaway，you’reonlymakinghimworse。’
　　"’What’sthematterwiththepony？’hecalledout。
　　"’Can’tyousee？’Ianswered。’He’sdrunk。’
　　"Well，ofcourseitsoundedfoolish；thetruthoftendoes。
　　"’Oneofyou’sdrunk，’heretorted；’fortwopinsI’dcomeandhaulyououtofthecart。’
　　"Iwishtogoodnesshehad；I’dhavegivensomethingtobeoutofthatcart。Buthedidn’thavethechance。Atthatmomenttheponygaveasuddenswerve；andItakeithemusthavebeenabittooclose。Iheardayellandacurse，andatthesameinstantIwassplashedfromheadtofootwithditchwater。Thenthebrutebolted。
　　Amanwascomingalong，asleeponthetopofacart-loadofwindsorchairs。It’sdisgracefulthewaythosewagonersgotosleep；I
　　wondertherearenotmoreaccidents。Idon’tthinkheeverknewwhathadhappenedtohim。Icouldn’tlookroundtoseewhatbecameofhim；Ionlysawhimstart。Half-waydownthehillapolicemanholla’dtometostop。Iheardhimshoutingoutsomethingaboutfuriousdriving。Half-a-milethissideofCheshamwecameuponagirls’schoolwalkingtwoandtwo——a’crocodile’theycallit，I
　　think。Ibetyouthosegirlsarestilltalkingaboutit。Itmusthavetakentheoldwomanagoodhourtocollectthemtogetheragain。
　　"Itwasmarket-dayinChesham；andIguesstherehasnotbeenabusiermarket-dayinCheshambeforeorsince。Wewentthroughthetownataboutthirtymilesanhour。I’veneverseenCheshamsolively——it’sasleepyholeasarule。AmileoutsidethetownI
　　sightedtheHighWycombecoach。Ididn’tfeelImindedmuch；Ihadgottothatpasswhenitdidn’tseemtomattertomewhathappened；
　　Ionlyfeltcurious。Adozenyardsoffthecoachtheponystoppeddead；thatjerkedmeofftheseattothebottomofthecart。I
　　couldn’tgetup，becausetheseatwasontopofme。Icouldseenothingbutthesky，andoccasionallytheheadofthepony，whenhestooduponhishindlegs。ButIcouldhearwhatthedriverofthecoachsaid，andIjudgedhewashavingtroublealso。
　　"’Takethatdamncircusoutoftheroad，’heshouted。Ifhe’dhadanysensehe’dhaveseenhowhelplessIwas。Icouldhearhiscattleplungingabout；theyarelikethat，horses——iftheyseeonefool，thentheyallwanttobefools。
　　"’Takeithome，andtieituptoitsorgan，’shoutedtheguard。
　　"Thenanoldwomanwentintohysterics，andbeganlaughinglikeanhyena。Thatstartedtheponyoffagain，and，asfarasIcouldcalculatebywatchingtheclouds，wedidaboutanotherfourmilesatthegallop。Thenhethoughthe’dtrytojumpagate，andfinding，I
　　suppose，thatthecarthamperedhim，hestartedkickingittopieces。I’dneverhavethoughtacartcouldhavebeenseparatedintosomanypieces，ifIhadn’tseenitdone。Whenhehadgotridofeverythingbuthalfawheelandthesplashboardheboltedagain。
　　Iremainedbehindwiththeotherruins，andgladIwastogetalittlerest。Hecamebacklaterintheafternoon，andIwaspleasedtosellhimthenextweekforafive-pound-note：itcostmeaboutanothertentorepairmyself。
　　"TothisdayIamchaffedaboutthatpony，andthelocaltemperancesocietymadealectureoutofme。That’swhatcomesoffollowingadvice。"
　　Isympathizedwithhim。Ihavesufferedfromadvicemyself。Ihaveafriend，aCityman，whomImeetoccasionally。Oneofhismostardentpassionsinlifeistomakemyfortune。Hebutton-holesmeinThreadneedleStreet。"TheverymanIwantedtosee，"hesays；
　　"I’mgoingtoletyouinforagoodthing。Wearegettingupalittlesyndicate。"Heisforever"gettingup"alittlesyndicate，andforeveryhundredpoundsyouputintoityoutakeathousandout。HadIgoneintoallhislittlesyndicates，Icouldhavebeenworthatthepresentmoment，Ireckon，twomillionfivehundredthousandpounds。ButIhavenotgoneintoallhislittlesyndicates。Iwentintoone，yearsago，whenIwasyounger。Iamstillinit；myfriendisconfidentthatmyholding，lateron，willyieldmethousands。Being，however，hard-upforreadymoney，Iamwillingtopartwithmysharetoanydeservingpersonatagenuinereduction，uponacashbasis。Anotherfriendofmineknowsanothermanwhois"intheknow"asregardsracingmatters。Isupposemostpeoplepossessafriendofthistype。Heisgenerallyverypopularjustbeforearace，andextremelyunpopularimmediatelyafterwards。
　　Athirdbenefactorofmineisanenthusiastuponthesubjectofdiet。Onedayhebroughtmesomethinginapacket，andpresseditintomyhandwiththeairofamanwhoisrelievingyouofallyourtroubles。
　　"Whatisit？"Iasked。
　　"Openitandsee，"heanswered，inthetoneofapantomimefairy。
　　Iopeneditandlooked，butIwasnowiser。
　　"It’stea，"heexplained。
　　"Oh！"Ireplied；"Iwaswonderingifitcouldbesnuff。"
　　"Well，it’snotexactlytea，"hecontinued，"it’sasortoftea。
　　Youtakeonecupofthat——onecup，andyouwillnevercareforanyotherkindofteaagain。"
　　Hewasquiteright，Itookonecup。AfterdrinkingitIfeltI
　　didn’tcareforanyothertea。IfeltIdidn’tcareforanything，excepttodiequietlyandinoffensively。Hecalledonmeaweeklater。
　　"YourememberthatteaIgaveyou？"hesaid。
　　"Distinctly，"Ianswered；"I’vegotthetasteofitinmymouthnow。"
　　"Diditupsetyou？"heasked。
　　"Itannoyedmeatthetime，"Ianswered；"butthat’sallovernow。"
　　Heseemedthoughtful。"Youwerequitecorrect，"heanswered；"itWASsnuff，averyspecialsnuff，sentmeallthewayfromIndia。"
　　"Ican’tsayIlikedit，"Ireplied。
　　"Astupidmistakeofmine，"hewenton——"Imusthavemixedupthepackets！"
　　"Oh，accidentswillhappen，"Isaid，"andyouwon’tmakeanothermistake，Ifeelsure；sofarasIamconcerned。"
　　Wecanallgiveadvice。Ihadthehonouronceofservinganoldgentlemanwhoseprofessionitwastogivelegaladvice，andexcellentlegaladvicehealwaysgave。Incommonwithmostmenwhoknowthelaw，hehadlittlerespectforit。Ihaveheardhimsaytoawould-belitigant——
　　"Mydearsir，ifavillainstoppedmeinthestreetanddemandedofmemywatchandchain，Ishouldrefusetogiveittohim。Ifhethereuponsaid，’ThenIshalltakeitfromyoubybruteforce，’I
　　should，oldasIam，Ifeelconvinced，replytohim，’Comeon。’Butif，ontheotherhand，heweretosaytome，’Verywell，thenI
　　shalltakeproceedingsagainstyouintheCourtofQueen’sBenchtocompelyoutogiveituptome，’Ishouldatoncetakeitfrommypocket，pressitintohishand，andbegofhimtosaynomoreaboutthematter。AndIshouldconsiderIwasgettingoffcheaply。"
　　Yetthatsameoldgentlemanwenttolawhimselfwithhisnext-doorneighbouroveradeadpollparrotthatwasn’tworthsixpencetoanybody，andspentfromfirsttolastahundredpounds，ifhespentapenny。