"But，prudentasthisladywas，shemadememiserable。Herpersonwasfarfrombeinglovely，buthertemperwasintolerable。
Duringfifteenyears’habitation，Ineverpassedasingledaywithoutheartilycursingher，andthehourinwhichwecametogether。TheonlycomfortIreceived，inthemidstofthehighesttorments，wasfromcontinuallyhearingtheprudenceofmymatchcommendedbyallmyacquaintance。
"Thusyousee，intheaffairsoflove，Iboughtthereputationofwisdomprettydear。InothermattersIhaditsomewhatcheaper;
notthathypocrisy，whichwasthepriceIgaveforit，givesonenopain。Ihaverefusedmyselfathousandlittleamusementswithafeignedcontempt，whileIhavereallyhadaninclinationtothem。Ihaveoftenalmostchokedmyselftorestrainfromlaughingatajest，and（whichwasperhapstomyselftheleasthurtfulofallmyhypocrisy）haveheartilyenjoyedabookinmyclosetwhichIhavespokenwithdetestationofinpublic。Tosumupmyhistoryinshort，asIhadfewadventuresworthremembering，mywholelifewasoneconstantlie;andhappywouldithavebeenformeifIcouldasthoroughlyhaveimposedonmyselfasIdidonothers：forreflection，ateveryturn，wouldoftenremindmeIwasnotsowiseaspeoplethoughtme;andthisconsiderablyembitteredthepleasureIreceivedfromthepubliccommendationofmywisdom。Thisself—admonition，likeamementomoriormortalises，mustbe，inmyopinion，averydangerousenemytoflattery：indeed，aweightsufficienttocounterbalanceallthefalsepraiseoftheworld。Butwhetheritbethatthegeneralityofwisemendonotreflectatall，orwhethertheyhave，fromaconstantimpositiononothers，contractedsuchahabitofdeceitastodeceivethemselves，Iwillnotdetermine：
itis，Ibelieve，mostcertainthatveryfewwisemenknowthemselveswhatfoolstheyare，morethantheworlddoth。Goodgods！couldonebutseewhatpassesintheclosetofwisdom！howridiculousasightmustitbetobeholdthewiseman，whodespisesgratifyinghispalate，devouringcustard;thesoberwisemanwithhisdram—bottle;or，theanti—carnalist（ifImaybeallowedtheexpression）chucklingoverab——dybookorpicture，andperhapscaressinghishouse—maid！
"ButtoconcludeacharacterinwhichIapprehendImadeasabsurdafigureasinanyinwhichItrodthestageofearth，mywisdomatlastbutanendtoitself，thatis，occasionedmydissolution。
"Arelationofmineintheeasternpartoftheempiredisinheritedhisson，andleftmehisheir。Thishappenedinthedepthofwinter，whenIwasinmygrandclimacteric，andhadjustrecoveredofadangerousdisease。AsIhadallthereasonimaginabletoapprehendthefamilyofthedeceasedwouldconspireagainstme，andembezzleasmuchastheycould，Iadvisedwithagraveandwisefriendwhatwaspropertobedone;whetherI
shouldgomyself，oremployanotaryonthisoccasion，anddefermyjourneytothespring。Tosaythetruth，Iwasmostinclinedtothelatter;theratherasmycircumstanceswereextremelyflourishing，asIwasadvancedinyears，andhadnotonepersonintheworldtowhomIshouldwithpleasurebequeathanyfortuneatmydeath。
"Myfriendtoldmehethoughtmyquestionadmittedofnomannerofdoubtordebate;thatcommonprudenceabsolutelyrequiredmyimmediatedeparture;adding，thatifthesamegoodluckhadhappenedtohimhewouldhavebeenalreadyonhisjourney;’for，’
continuedhe，’amanwhoknowstheworldsowellasyou，wouldbeinexcusabletogivepersonssuchanopportunityofcheatingyou，who，youmustbeassured，willbetoowellinclined;andasforemployinganotary，rememberthatexcellentmaxim，Nefaciasperalium，quodfieripotestperte。Iownthebadnessoftheseasonandyourverylaterecoveryareunluckycircumstances;butawisemanmustgetoverdifficultieswhennecessityobligeshimtoencounterthem。’
"Iwasimmediatelydeterminedbythisopinion。Thedutyofawisemanmadeanirresistibleimpression，andItookthenecessityforgrantedwithoutexamination。Iaccordinglysetforwardthenextmorning;verytempestuousweathersoonovertookme;IhadnottraveledthreedaysbeforeIrelapsedintomyfever，anddied。
"IwasnowascruellydisappointedbyMinosasIhadformerlybeenhappilyso。Iadvancedwiththeutmostconfidencetothegate，andreallyimaginedIshouldhavebeenadmittedbythewisdomofmycountenance，evenwithoutanyquestionsasked：butthiswasnotmycase;and，tomygreatsurprise，Minos，withamenacingvoice，calledouttome，’YouMr。there，withthegravecountenance，whithersofast，pray？Willyouplease，beforeyoumoveanyfartherforwards，togivemeashortaccountofyourtransactionsbelow？’Ithenbegan，andrecountedtohimmywholehistory，stillexpectingattheendofeveryperiodthatthegatewouldbeorderedtoflyopen;butIwasobligedtogoquitethroughwithit，andthenMinosaftersomelittleconsiderationspoketomeasfollows：——
"’You，Mr。Wiseman，standforthifyouplease。Believeme，sir，atripbackagaintoearthwillbeoneofthewiseststepsyouevertook，andreallymoretothehonorofyourwisdomthananyyouhavehithertotaken。Ontheotherside，nothingcouldbesimplerthantoendeavoratElysium;forwhobutafoolwouldcarryacommodity，whichisofsuchinfinitevalueinoneplace，intoanotherwhereitisofnone？But，withoutattemptingtooffendyourgravitywithajest，youmustreturntotheplacefromwhenceyoucame，forElysiumwasneverdesignedforthosewhoaretoowisetobehappy。’
"Thissentenceconfoundedmegreatly，especiallyasitseemedtothreatenmewithcarryingmywisdombackagaintoearth。Itoldthejudge，thoughhewouldnotadmitmeatthegate，IhopedI
hadcommittednocrimewhilealivewhichmeritedmybeingwiseanylonger。Heansweredme，Imusttakemychanceastothatmatter，andimmediatelyweturnedourbackstoeachother。"
CHAPTERXVII
Julianentersintothepersonofaking。
"IwasnowbornatOviedoinSpain。Myfather’snamewasVeremond，andIwasadoptedbymyunclekingAlphonsothechaste。
Idon’trecollectinallthepilgrimagesIhavemadeonearththatIeverpassedamoremiserableinfancythannow;beingundertheutmostconfinementandrestraint，andsurroundedwithphysicianswhowereeverdosingme，andtutorswhowerecontinuallyplaguingmewiththeirinstructions;eventhosehoursofleisurewhichmyinclinationwouldhavespentinplaywereallottedtotediouspompandceremony，which，atanagewhereinI
hadnoambitiontoenjoytheservilityofcourtiers，enslavedmemorethanitcouldthemeanestofthem。However，asIadvancedtowardsmanhood，myconditionmademesomeamends;forthemostbeautifulwomenoftheirownaccordthrewoutluresforme，andI
hadthehappiness，whichnomaninaninferiordegreecanarriveat，ofenjoyingthemostdeliciouscreatures，withoutthepreviousandtiresomeceremoniesofcourtship，unlesswiththemostsimple，youngandunexperienced。Asforthecourtladies，theyregardedmeratherasmendothemostlovelyoftheothersex;and，thoughtheyoutwardlyretainedsomeappearanceofmodesty，theyinrealityratherconsideredthemselvesasreceivingthanconferringfavors。
"AnotherhappinessIenjoyedwasinconferringfavorsofanothersort;for，asIwasextremelygood—naturedandgenerous，soIhaddailyopportunitiesofsatisfyingthosepassions。Besidesmyownprincelyallowance，whichwasverybountiful，andwithwhichI
didmanyliberalandgoodactions，Irecommendednumberlesspersonsofmeritindistresstotheking’snotice，mostofwhomwereprovidedfor。Indeed，hadIsufficientlyknownmyblessedsituationatthistime，IshouldhavegrievedatnothingmorethanthedeathofAlphonso，bywhichtheburdenofgovernmentdevolveduponme;but，soblindlyfondisambition，andsuchcharmsdothitfancyinthepowerandpompandsplendorofacrown，that，thoughIvehementlylovedthatking，andhadthegreatestobligationstohim，thethoughtsofsucceedinghimobliteratedmyregretathisloss，andthewishformyapproachingcoronationdriedmyeyesathisfuneral。
"ButmyfondnessforthenameofkingdidnotmakemeforgetfulofthoseoverwhomIwastoreign。Iconsideredtheminthelightinwhichatenderfatherregardshischildren，aspersonswhosewellbeingGodhadintrustedtomycare;andagain，inthatinwhichaprudentlordrespectshistenants，asthoseonwhosewealthandgrandeurheistobuildhisown。Boththeseconsiderationsinspiredmewiththegreatestcarefortheirwelfare，andtheirgoodwasmyfirstandultimateconcern。
"TheusurperMauregashadimpiouslyobligedhimselfandhissuccessorstopaytotheMoorseveryyearaninfamoustributeofanhundredyoungvirgins：fromthiscruelandscandalousimpositionIresolvedtorelievemycountry。Accordingly，whentheiremperorAbderamesthesecondhadtheaudaciousnesstomakethisdemandofme，insteadofcomplyingwithitIorderedhisambassadorstobedrivenawaywithallimaginableignominy，andwouldhavecondemnedthemtodeath，couldIhavedoneitwithoutamanifestviolationofthelawofnations。
"Inowraisedanimmensearmy;atthelevyingofwhichImadeaspeechfrommythrone，acquaintingmysubjectswiththenecessityandthereasonsofthewarinwhichIwasgoingtoengage：whichIconvincedthemIhadundertakenfortheireaseandsafety，andnotforsatisfyinganywantonambition，orrevenginganyprivatepiqueofmyown。Theyalldeclaredunanimouslythattheywouldventuretheirlivesandeverythingdeartotheminmydefense，andinthesupportofthehonorofmycrown。Accordingly，mylevieswereinstantlycomplete，sufficientnumbersbeingonlylefttotilltheland;churchmen，evenbishopsthemselves，enlistingthemselvesundermybanners。
"ThearmiesmetatAlvelda，wherewewerediscomfitedwithimmenseloss，andnothingbuttheluckyinterventionofthenightcouldhavesavedourwholearmy。
"Iretreatedtothesummitofahill，whereIabandonedmyselftothehighestagoniesofgrief，notsomuchforthedangerinwhichIthensawmycrown，asforthelossofthosemiserablewretcheswhohadexposedtheirlivesatmycommand。Icouldnotthenavoidthisreflection——that，ifthedeathsofthesepeopleinawarundertakenabsolutelyfortheirprotectioncouldgivemesuchconcern，whathorrormustIhavefeltif，likeprincesgreedyofdominion，Ihadsacrificedsuchnumberstomyownpride，vanity，andridiculouslustofpower。
"Afterhavingventedmysorrowsforsometimeinthismanner，I
begantoconsiderbywhatmeansImightpossiblyendeavortoretrievethismisfortune;when，reflectingonthegreatnumberofpriestsIhadinmyarmy，andontheprodigiousforceofsuperstition，athoughtluckilysuggesteditselftome，tocounterfeitthatSt。Jameshadappearedtomeinavision，andhadpromisedmethevictory。WhileIwasruminatingonthisthebishopofNajaracameopportunelytome。AsIdidnotintendtocommunicatethesecrettohim，Itookanothermethod，and，insteadofansweringanythingthebishopsaidtome，IpretendedtotalktoSt。James，asifhehadbeenreallypresent;tillatlength，afterhavingspokethosethingswhichIthoughtsufficient，andthankedthesaintaloudforhispromiseofthevictory，Iturnedabouttothebishop，and，embracinghimwithapleasedcountenance，protestedIdidnotknowhewaspresent;andthen，informinghimofthissupposedvision，Iaskedhimifhehadnothimselfseenthesaint？Heansweredmehehad;andafterwardsproceededtoassuremethatthisappearanceofSt。
Jameswasentirelyowingtohisprayers;forthathewashistutelarsaint。Headdedhehadavisionofhimafewhoursbefore，whenhepromisedhimavictoryovertheinfidels，andacquaintedhimatthesametimeofthevacancyoftheseeofToledo。Now，thisnewsbeingreallytrue，thoughithadhappenedsolatelythatIhadnotheardofit（nor，indeed，wasitwellpossibleIshould，consideringthegreatdistanceoftheway），whenIwasafterwardsacquaintedwithit，alittlestaggeredme，thoughfarfrombeingsuperstitious;tillbeinginformedthatthebishophadlostthreehorsesonalateexpedition，Iwassatisfied。
"Thenextmorning，thebishop，atmydesire，mountedtherostrum，andtrumpetedforththisvisionsoeffectually，whichhesaidhehadthateveningtwiceseenwithhisowneyes，thataspiritbegantobeinfusedthroughthewholearmywhichrenderedthemsuperiortoalmostanyforce：thebishopinsistedthattheleastdoubtofsuccesswasgivingthelietothesaint，andadamnablesin，andhetookuponhiminhisnametopromisethemvictory。
"Thearmybeingdrawnout，Isoonexperiencedtheeffectofenthusiasm，for，havingcontrivedanotherstratagem[9]tostrengthenwhatthebishophadsaid，thesoldiersfoughtmorelikefuriesthanmen。Mystratagemwasthis：Ihadaboutmeadexterousfellow，whohadbeenformerlyapimpinmyamours。HimIdressedupinastrangeanticdress，withapairofwhitecolorsinhisrighthand，aredcrossinhisleft，andhavingdisguisedhimsothatnoonecouldknowhim，Iplacedhimonawhitehorse，andorderedhimtoridetotheheadofthearmy，andcryout，’FollowSt。James！’Thesewordswerereiteratedbyallthetroops，whoattackedtheenemywithsuchintrepidity，that，notwithstandingourinferiorityofnumbers，wesoonobtainedacompletevictory。
[9]Thissillystoryistoldasasolemntruth（i。e。，thatSt。
Jamesreallyappearedinthemannerthisfellowisdescribed）byMariana，1。7，Section78。
"Thebishopwascomeupbythetimethattheenemywasrouted，and，acquaintingusthathehadmetSt。Jamesbytheway，andthathehadinformedhimofwhathadpassed，headdedthathehadexpressordersfromthesainttoreceiveaconsiderablesumforhisuse，andthatacertaintaxoncornandwineshouldbesettledonhischurchforever;andlastly，thatahorseman’spayshouldbeallowedforthefuturetothesainthimself，ofwhichheandhissuccessorswereappointedreceivers。ThearmyreceivedthesedemandswithsuchacclamationsthatIwasobligedtocomplywiththem，asIcouldbynomeansdiscovertheimposition，nordoIbelieveIshouldhavegainedanycreditifI
had。
"Ihadnowdonewiththesaint，butthebishophadnot;foraboutaweekafterwardslightswereseeninawoodnearwherethebattlewasfought;andinashorttimeafterwardstheydiscoveredhistombatthesameplace。Uponthisthebishopmademeavisit，andforcedmetogothither，tobuildachurchtohim，andlargelyendowit。Inaword，thegoodmansoplaguedmewithmiracleaftermiracle，thatIwasforcedtomakeinterestwiththepopetoconveyhimtoToledo，togetridofhim。
"Buttoproceedtoothermatters。——Therewasaninferiorofficer，whohadbehavedverybravelyinthebattleagainsttheMoors，andhadreceivedseveralwounds，whosolicitedmeforpreferment;
whichIwasabouttoconferonhim，whenoneofmyministerscametomeinafright，andtoldmethathehadpromisedthepostI
designedforthismantothesonofcountAlderedo;andthatthecount，whowasapowerfulperson，wouldbegreatlydisobligedattherefusal，ashehadsentforhissonfromschooltotakepossessionofit。Iwasobligedtoagreewithmyminister’sreasons，andatthesametimerecommendedthewoundedsoldiertobepreferredbyhim，whichhefaithfullypromisedhewould;butI
metthepoorwretchsinceinElysium，whoinformedmehewasafterwardsstarvedtodeath。
"Nonewhohathnotbeenhimselfaprince，noranyprincetillhisdeath，canconceivetheimpositionsdailyputonthembytheirfavoritesandministers;sothatprincesareoftenblamedforthefaultsofothers。ThecountofSaldagnehadbeenlongconfinedinprison，whenhisson，D。BernarddelCarpio，whohadperformedthegreatestactionsagainsttheMoors，entreatedme，asarewardforhisservice，togranthimhisfather’sliberty。
Theoldman’spunishmenthadbeensotedious，andtheservicesoftheyoungonesosingularlyeminent，thatIwasveryinclinabletogranttherequest;butmyministersstronglyopposedit;theytoldmemyglorydemandedrevengeforthedishonorofferedtomyfamily;thatsopositiveademandcarriedwithitrathertheairofmenacethanentreaty;thatthevaindetailofhisservices，andtherecompenseduetothem，wasaninjuriousreproach;thattograntwhathadbeensohaughtilydemandedwouldargueinthemonarchbothweaknessandtimidity;inaword，thattoremitthepunishmentinflictedbymypredecessorswouldbetocondemntheirjudgment。Lastly，onetoldmeinawhisper，’Hiswholefamilyareenemiestoyourhouse。’Bythesemeanstheministersprevailed。Theyounglordtooktherefusalsoill，thatheretiredfromcourt，andabandonedhimselftodespair，whilsttheoldonelanguishedinprison。Bywhichmeans，asIhavesincediscovered，Ilosttheuseoftwoofmybestsubjects。
"Toconfessthetruth，Ihad，bymeansofmyministers，conceivedaveryunjustopinionofmywholepeople，whomIfanciedtobedailyconspiringagainstme，andtoentertainthemostdisloyalthoughts，when，inreality（asIhaveknownsincemydeath），theyheldmeinuniversalrespectandesteem。Thisisatrick，I
believe，toooftenplayedwithsovereigns，who，bysuchmeans，arepreventedfromthatopenintercoursewiththeirsubjectswhich，asitwouldgreatlyendearthepersonoftheprincetothepeople，somightitoftenprovedangeroustoaministerwhowasconsultinghisowninterestonlyattheexpenseofboth。I
believeIhavenowrecountedtoyouthemostmaterialpassagesofmylife;forIassureyoutherearesomeincidentsinthelivesofkingsnotextremelyworthrelating。Everythingwhichpassesintheirmindsandfamiliesisnotattendedwiththesplendorwhichsurroundstheirthrone——indeed，therearesomehourswhereinthenakedkingandthenakedcobblercanscarcebedistinguishedfromeachother。
"Haditnotbeen，however，formyingratitudetoBernarddelCarpio，Ibelievethiswouldhavebeenmylastpilgrimageonearth;for，astothestoryofSt。James，IthoughtMinoswouldhavebursthissidesatit;buthewassodispleasedwithmeontheotheraccount，that，withafrown，hecriedout，’Gettheebackagain，king。’Norwouldhesuffermetosayanotherword。"
CHAPTERXVIII
Julianpassesintoafool。
"ThenextvisitImadetotheworldwasperformedinFrance，whereIwasborninthecourtofLewisIII，andhadafterwardsthehonortobepreferredtobefooltotheprince，whowassurnamedCharlestheSimple。But，inreality，IknownotwhetherImightsoproperlybesaidtohaveactedthefoolinhiscourtastohavemadefoolsofallothersinit。Certainitis，Iwasveryfarfrombeingwhatisgenerallyunderstoodbythatword，beingamostcunning，designing，archknave。Iknewverywellthefollyofmymaster，andofmanyothers，andhowtomakemyadvantageofthisknowledge。
"IwasasdeartoCharlestheSimpleastheplayerPariswastoDomitian，and，likehim，bestowedallmannerofofficesandhonorsonwhomIpleased。Thisdrewmeagreatnumberoffollowersamongthecourtiers，whoreallymistookmeforafool，andyetflatteredmyunderstanding。Therewasparticularlyinthecourtafellowwhohadneitherhonor，honesty，sense，wit，courage，beauty，norindeedanyonegoodquality，eitherofmindorbody，torecommendhim;butwasatthesametime，perhaps，ascunningamonsteraseverlived。Thisgentlemantookitintohisheadtolistundermybanner，andpursuedmesoveryassiduouslywithflattery，constantlyremindingmeofmygoodsense，thatI
grewimmoderatelyfondofhim;forthoughflatteryisnotmostjudiciouslyappliedtoqualitieswhichthepersonsflatteredpossess，yetas，notwithstandingmybeingwellassuredofmyownparts，Ipassedinthewholecourtforafool，thisflatterywasaverysweetmorseltome。Ithereforegotthisfellowpreferredtoabishopric，butIlostmyflattererbyit;forheneverafterwardssaidacivilthingtome。
"Ineverbalkedmyimaginationforthegrossnessofthereflectiononthecharacterofthegreatestnoble——nay，eventhekinghimself;ofwhichIwillgiveyouaveryboldinstance。OnedayhissimplemajestytoldmehebelievedIhadsomuchpowerthathispeoplelookedonmeastheking，andhimselfasmyfool。
AtthisIpretendedtobeangry，aswithanaffront。’Why，hownow？’saystheking;’areyouashamedofbeingaking？’’No，sir，’saysI，’butIamdevilishlyashamedofmyfool。’
"Herbert，earlofVermandois，hadbymymeansbeenrestoredtothefavoroftheSimple（forsoIusedalwaystocallCharles）。
HeafterwardsprevailedwiththekingtotakethecityofArrasfromearlBaldwin，bywhichmeans，Herbert，inexchangeforthiscity，hadPeronnerestoredtohimbycountAltmar。Baldwincametocourtinordertoprocuretherestorationofhiscity;but，eitherthroughprideorignorance，neglectedtoapplytome。AsImethimatcourtduringhissolicitation，Itoldhimhedidnotapplytherightway;heansweredroughlyheshouldnotaskafool’sadvice。IrepliedIdidnotwonderathisprejudice，sincehehadmiscarriedalreadybyfollowingafool’sadvice;butItoldhimtherewerefoolswhohadmoreinterestthanthathehadbroughtwithhimtocourt。Heansweredmesurlilyhehadnofoolwithhim，forthathetraveledalone。’Ay，mylord，’saysI，’Ioftentravelalone，andyettheywillhaveitIalwayscarryafoolwithme。’Thisraisedalaughamongtheby—standers，onwhichhegavemeablow。IimmediatelycomplainedofthisusagetotheSimple，whodismissedtheearlfromcourtwithveryhardwords，insteadofgrantinghimthefavorhesolicited。
"Igiveyoutheseratherasaspecimenofmyinterestandimpudencethanofmywit——indeed，myjestswerecommonlymoreadmiredthantheyoughttobe;forperhapsIwasnotinrealitymuchmoreawitthanafool。But，withthelatitudeofunboundedscurrility，itiseasyenoughtoattainthecharacterofwit，especiallyinacourt，where，asallpersonshateandenvyoneanotherheartily，andareatthesametimeobligedbytheconstrainedbehaviorofcivilitytoprofessthegreatestliking，soitis，andmustbe，wonderfullypleasanttothemtoseethefolliesoftheiracquaintanceexposedbyathirdperson。
Besides，theopinionofthecourtisasuniformasthefashion，andisalwaysguidedbythewilloftheprinceorofthefavorite。IdoubtnotthatCaligula’shorsewasuniversallyheldinhiscourttobeagoodandableconsul。InthesamemannerwasIuniversallyacknowledgedtobethewittiestfoolintheworld。EverywordIsaidraisedlaughter，andwasheldtobeajest，especiallybytheladies，whosometimeslaughedbeforeI
haddiscoveredmysentiment，andoftenrepeatedthatasajestwhichIdidnotevenintendasone。
"Iwasassevereontheladiesasonthemen，andwiththesameimpunity;butthisatlastcostmedear：foroncehavingjokedonthebeautyofaladywhosenamewasAdelaide，afavoriteoftheSimple’s，shepretendedtosmileandbepleasedatmywitwiththerestofthecompany;butinrealityshehighlyresentedit，andendeavoredtounderminemewiththeking。Inwhichshesogreatlysucceeded（forwhatcannotafavoritewomandowithonewhodeservesthesurnameofSimple？）thatthekinggreweverydaymorereservedtome，andwhenIattemptedanyfreedomgavemesuchmarksofhisdispleasure，thatthecourtierswhohaveallhawks’eyesataslightfromthesovereign，soondiscernedit：
andindeed，hadIbeenblindenoughnottohavediscoveredthatI
hadlostgroundintheSimple’sfavorbyhisownchangeinhiscarriagetowardsme，Imusthavefoundit，nayevenfeltit，inthebehaviorofthecourtiers：for，asmycompanywastwodaysbeforesolicitedwiththeutmosteagerness，itwasnowrejectedwithasmuchscorn。Iwasnowthejestoftheushersandpages;
andanofficeroftheguards，onwhomIwasalittlejocose，gavemeaboxontheear，biddingmemakefreewithmyequals。Thisveryfellowhadbeenmybuttformanyyears，withoutdaringtolifthishandagainstme。
"ButthoughIvisiblyperceivedthealterationintheSimple，I
wasutterlyunabletomakeanyguessattheoccasion。IhadnottheleastsuspicionofAdelaide;for，besidesherbeingaverygood—humoredwoman，Ihadoftenmadeseverejestsonherreputation，whichIhadallthereasonimaginabletobelievehadgivenhernooffense。ButIsoonperceivedthatawomanwillbearthemostbittercensuresonhermoralseasierthanthesmallestreflectiononherbeauty;forshenowdeclaredpublicly，thatIoughttobedismissedfromcourt，asthestupidestoffools，andoneinwhomtherewasnodiversion;andthatshewonderedhowanypersoncouldhavesolittletasteastoimagineIhadanywit。Thisspeechwasechoedthroughthedrawing—room，andagreedtobyallpresent。EveryonenowputonanunusualgravityontheircountenancewheneverIspoke;anditwasasmuchoutofmypowertoraisealaughasformerlyithadbeenformetoopenmymouthwithoutone。
"WhilemyaffairswereinthispostureIwentonedayintothecirclewithoutmyfool’sdress。TheSimple，whowouldstillspeaktome，criedout，’So，fool，what’sthematternow？’
’Sir，’answeredI，’foolsareliketobesocommonacommodityatcourt，thatIamwearyofmycoat。’’Howdostthoumean？’
answeredtheSimple;’whatcanmakethemcommonernowthanusual？’——’O，sir，’saidI，’thereareladiesheremakeyourmajestyafooleverydayoftheirlives。’TheSimpletooknonoticeofmyjest，andseveralpresentsaidmybonesoughttobebrokeformyimpudence;butitpleasedthequeen，who，knowingAdelaide，whomshehated，tobethecauseofmydisgrace，obtainedmeoftheking，andtookmeintoherservice;sothatI
washenceforthcalledthequeen’sfool，andinhercourtreceivedthesamehonor，andhadasmuchwit，asIhadformerlyhadintheking’s。Butasthequeenhadreallynopowerunlessoverherowndomestics，Iwasnottreatedingeneralwiththatcomplacence，nordidIreceivethosebribesandpresents，whichhadoncefallentomyshare。
"Nordidthisconfinedrespectcontinuelong：forthequeen，whohadinfactnotasteforhumor，soongrewsickofmyfoolery，and，forgettingthecauseforwhichshehadtakenme，neglectedmesomuch，thathercourtgrewintolerabletomytemper，andI
brokemyheartanddied。
"Minoslaughedheartilyatseveralthingsinmystory，andthen，tellingmenooneplayedthefoolinElysium，bidmegobackagain。"
CHAPTERXIX
Julianappearsinthecharacterofabeggar。
"InowreturnedtoRome，andwasbornintoaverypoorandnumerousfamily，which，tobehonestwithyou，procureditslivelihoodbybegging。This，ifyouwasneveryourselfofthecalling，youdonotknow，Isuppose，tobeasregularatradeasanyother;tohaveitsseveralrulesandsecrets，ormysteries，whichtolearnrequireperhapsastediousanapprenticeshipasthoseofanycraftwhatever。
"Thefirstthingwearetaughtisthecountenancemiserable。
Thisindeednaturemakesmucheasiertosomethanothers;buttherearenonewhocannotaccomplishit，iftheybeginearlyenoughinyouth，andbeforethemusclesaregrowntoostubborn。
"Thesecondthingisthevoicelamentable。Inthisqualificationtoo，naturemusthavehershareinproducingthemostconsummateexcellence：however，artwillhere，asineveryotherinstance，goagreatwaywithindustryandapplication，evenwithouttheassistanceofgenius，especiallyifthestudentbeginsyoung。
"Therearemanyotherinstructions，butthesearethemostconsiderable。Thewomenaretaughtonepracticemorethanthemen，fortheyareinstructedintheartofcrying，thatis，tohavetheirtearsreadyonalloccasions：butthisisattainedveryeasilybymost。Someindeedarriveattheutmostperfectioninthisartwithincrediblefacility。
"Noprofessionrequiresadeeperinsightintohumannaturethanthebeggar’s。Theirknowledgeofthepassionsofmenissoextensive，thatIhaveoftenthoughtitwouldbeofnolittleservicetoapoliticiantohavehiseducationamongthem。Nay，thereisamuchgreateranalogybetweenthesetwocharactersthanisimagined;forbothconcurintheirfirstandgrandprinciple，itbeingequallytheirbusinesstodeludeandimposeonmankind。
Itmustbeconfessedthattheydifferwidelyinthedegreeofadvantagewhichtheymakebytheirdeceit;for，whereasthebeggariscontentedwithalittle，thepoliticianleavesbutalittlebehind。
"AverygreatEnglishphilosopherhathremarkedourpolicy，intakingcarenevertoaddressanyonewithatitleinferiortowhathereallyclaims。Myfatherwasofthesameopinion;forI
rememberwhenIwasaboy，thepopehappeningtopassby，I
tendedhimwith’Pray，sir;’’ForGod’ssake，sir;’’FortheLord’ssake，sir;’——Towhichheansweredgravely，’Sirrah，sirrah，yououghttobewhippedfortakingtheLord’snameinvain;’andinvainitwasindeed，forhegavemenothing。Myfather，overhearingthis，tookhisadvice，andwhippedmeveryseverely。WhileIwasundercorrectionIpromisedoftennevertotaketheLord’snameinvainanymore。Myfatherthensaid，’Child，Idonotwhipyoufortakinghisnameinvain;Iwhipyoufornotcallingthepopehisholiness。’
"Ifallmenweresowiseandgoodtofollowtheclergy’sexample，thenuisanceofbeggarswouldsoonberemoved。Idonotremembertohavebeenabovetwicerelievedbythemduringmywholestateofbeggary。Oncewasbyaverywell—lookingman，whogavemeasmallpieceofsilver，anddeclaredhehadgivenmemorethanhehadlefthimself;theotherwasbyaspruceyoungfellow，whohadthatverydayfirstputonhisrobes，whomIattendedwith’Pray，reverendsir，goodreverendsir，consideryourcloth。’Heanswered，’Ido，child，considermyoffice，andIhopeallourclothdothesame。’Hethenthrewdownsomemoney，andstruttedoffwithgreatdignity。
"WiththewomenIhadonegeneralformulary：’Sweetprettylady，’’Godblessyourladyship，’’Godblessyourhandsomeface。’
Thisgenerallysucceeded;butIobservedtheuglierthewomanwas，thesurerIwasofsuccess。
"Itwasaconstantmaximamongus，thatthegreaterretinueanyonetraveledwiththelessexpectationwemightpromiseourselvesfromthem;butwheneverwesawavehiclewithasingleornoservantweimaginedourbootysure，andwereseldomdeceived。
"Weobservedgreatdifferenceintroducedbytimeandcircumstanceinthesameperson;forinstance，alosinggamesterissometimesgenerous，butfromawinneryouwillaseasilyobtainhissoulasasinglegroat。AlawyertravelingfromhiscountryseattohisclientsatRome，andaphysiciangoingtovisitapatient，werealwaysworthasking;butthesameontheirreturnwere（accordingtoourcantphrase）untouchable。
"Themostgeneral，andindeedthetruest，maximamonguswas，thatthosewhopossessedtheleastwerealwaysthereadiesttogive。Thechiefartofabeggar—manis，therefore，todiscerntherichfromthepoor，which，thoughitbeonlydistinguishingsubstancefromshadow，isbynomeansattainablewithoutaprettygoodcapacityandavastdegreeofattention;forthesetwoareeternallyindustriousinendeavoringtocounterfeiteachother。
Inthisdeceitthepoormanismoreheartilyinearnesttodeceiveyouthantherich，who，amidstalltheemblemsofpovertywhichheputson，stillpermitssomemarkofhiswealthtostriketheeye。Thus，whilehisapparelisnotworthagroat，hisfingerwearsaringofvalue，orhispocketagoldwatch。Inaword，heseemsrathertoaffectpovertytoinsultthanimposeonyou。Nowthepoorman，onthecontrary，isverysincereinhisdesireofpassingforrich;buttheeagernessofthisdesirehurrieshimtoover—acthispart，andhebetrayshimselfasonewhoisdrunkbyhisoveractedsobriety。Thus，insteadofbeingattendedbyoneservantwellmounted，hewillhavetwo;and，notbeingabletopurchaseormaintainasecondhorseofvalue，oneofhisservantsatleastismountedonahiredrascallion。Heisnotcontentedtogoplainandneatinhisclothes;hethereforeclapsonsometawdryornament，andwhatheaddstothefinenessofhisvestmenthedetractsfromthefinenessofhislinen。
Withoutdescendingintomoreminuteparticulars，IbelieveImayassertitasanaxiomofindubitabletruth，thatwhoevershowsyouheiseitherinhimselforhisequipageasgaudyashecan，convincesyouheismoresothanhecanafford。Now，wheneveraman’sexpenseexceedshisincome，heisindifferentinthedegree;wehadthereforenothingmoretodowithsuchthantoflatterthemwiththeirwealthandsplendor，andwerealwayscertainofsuccess。
"Thereis，indeed，onekindofrichmanwhoiscommonlymoreliberal，namely，whererichessurprisehim，asitwere，inthemidstofpovertyanddistress，theconsequenceofwhichis，I
own，sometimesexcessiveavarice，butoftenerextremeprodigality。Irememberoneofthesewho，havingreceivedaprettylargesumofmoney，gaveme，whenIbeggedanobolus，awholetalent;onwhichhisfriendhavingreprovedhim，heanswered，withanoath，’Whynot？HaveInotfiftyleft？’
"Thelifeofabeggar，ifmenestimatedthingsbytheirrealessence，andnotbytheiroutwardfalseappearance，wouldbe，perhaps，amoredesirablesituationthananyofthosewhichambitionpersuadesus，withsuchdifficulty，danger，andoftenvillainy，toaspireto。Thewantsofabeggararecommonlyaschimericalastheabundanceofanobleman;forbesidesvanity，whichajudiciousbeggarwillalwaysapplytowithwonderfulefficacy，thereareinrealityveryfewnaturessohardenedasnottocompassionatepovertyanddistress，whenthepredominancyofsomeotherpassiondothnotpreventthem。
"Thereisonehappinesswhichattendsmoneygotwithease，namely，thatitisneverhoarded;otherwise，aswehavefrequentopportunitiesofgrowingrich，thatcankercaremightpreyuponourquiet，asitdothonothers;butourmoneystockwespendasfastasweacquireit;usuallyatleast，forIspeaknotwithoutexception;thusitgivesusmirthonly，andnotrouble。Indeed，theluxuryofourlivesmightintroducediseases，didnotourdailyexercisepreventthem。Thisgivesusanappetiteandrelishforourdainties，andatthesametimeanantidoteagainsttheevileffectswhichsloth，unitedwithluxury，inducesonthehabitofahumanbody。Ourwomenweenjoywithecstasiesatleastequaltowhatthegreatestmenfeelintheirembraces。I
can，Iamassured，sayofmyself，thatnomortalcouldreapmoreperfecthappinessfromthetenderpassionthanmyfortunehaddecreedme。Imarriedacharmingyoungwomanforlove;shewasthedaughterofaneighboringbeggar，who，withanimprovidencetoooftenseen，spentaverylargeincomewhichheprocuredbyhisprofession，sothathewasabletogivehernofortunedown;
however，athisdeathheleftheraverywellaccustomedbegging—hut，situatedonthesideofasteephill，wheretravelerscouldnotimmediatelyescapefromus，andagardenadjoining，beingthetwenty—eighthpartofanacre，wellplanted。
Shemadethebestofwives，boremenineteenchildren，andneverfailed，unlessonherlying—in，whichgenerallylastedthreedays，togetmysupperreadyagainstmyreturnhomeinanevening;thisbeingmyfavoritemeal，andatwhichI，aswellasmywholefamily，greatlyenjoyedourselves;theprincipalsubjectofourdiscoursebeinggenerallytheboonswehadthatdayobtained，onwhichoccasions，laughingatthefollyofthedonorsmadenoinconsiderablepartoftheentertainment;for，whatevermightbetheirmotiveforgiving，weconstantlyimputedoursuccesstoourhavingflatteredtheirvanity，oroverreachedtheirunderstanding。
"ButperhapsIhavedwelttoolongonthischaracter;Ishallconclude，therefore，withtellingyouthatafteralifeof102
years’continuance，duringallwhichIhadneverknownanysicknessorinfirmitybutthatwhicholdagenecessarilyinduced，Iatlast，withouttheleastpain，wentoutlikethesnuffofacandle。
"Minos，havingheardmyhistory，bidmecompute，ifIcould，howmanyliesIhadtoldinmylife。Aswearehere，byacertainfatednecessity，obligedtoconfineourselvestotruth，I
answered，Ibelievedabout50，000，000。Hethenreplied，withafrown，’CansuchawretchconceiveanyhopesofenteringElysium？’Iimmediatelyturnedabout，and，uponthewhole，wasrejoicedathisnotcallingmeback。"
CHAPTERXX
Julianperformsthepartofastatesman。
"ItwasnowmyfortunetobebornofaGermanprincess;butaman—midwife，pullingmyheadoffindeliveringmymother，putaspeedyendtomyprincelylife。
"Spiritswhoendtheirlivesbeforetheyareattheageoffiveyearsareimmediatelyorderedintootherbodies;anditwasnowmyfortunetoperformseveralinfanciesbeforeIcouldagainentitlemyselftoanexaminationofMinos。
"AtlengthIwasdestinedoncemoretoplayaconsiderablepartonthestage。IwasborninEngland，inthereignofEthelredII。Myfather’snamewasUlnoth：hewasearlorthaneofSussex。IwasafterwardsknownbythenameofearlGoodwin，andbegantomakeaconsiderablefigureintheworldinthetimeofHaroldHarefoot，whomIprocuredtobemadekingofWessex，ortheWestSaxons，inprejudiceofHardicanute，whosemotherEmmaendeavoredafterwardstosetanotherofhersonsonthethrone;
butIcircumventedher，and，communicatingherdesigntotheking，atthesametimeacquaintedhimwithaprojectwhichIhadformedforthemurderofthesetwoyoungprinces。EmmahadsentforthesehersonsfromNormandy，withtheking’sleave，whomshehaddeceivedbyherreligiousbehavior，andpretendedneglectofallworldlyaffairs;butIprevailedwithHaroldtoinvitetheseprincestohiscourt，andputthemtodeath。TheprudentmothersentonlyAlfred，retainingEdwardtoherself，asshesuspectedmyilldesigns，andthoughtIshouldnotventuretoexecutethemononeofhersons，whileshesecuredtheother;butshewasdeceived，forIhadnosoonerAlfredinmypossessionthanI
causedhimtobeconductedtoEly，whereIorderedhiseyestobeputout，andafterwardstobeconfinedinamonastery。
"Thiswasoneofthosecruelexpedientswhichgreatmensatisfythemselveswellinexecuting，byconcludingthemtobenecessarytotheserviceoftheirprince，whoisthesupportoftheirambition。
"Edward，theothersonofEmma，escapedagaintoNormandy;
whence，afterthedeathofHaroldandHardicanute，hemadenoscrupleofapplyingtomyprotectionandfavor，thoughhehadbeforeprosecutedmewithallthevengeancehewasable，forthemurderofhisbrother;butinallgreataffairsprivaterelationmustyieldtopublicinterest。Havingthereforeconcludedveryadvantageoustermsformyselfwithhim，Imadenoscrupleofpatronizinghiscause，andsoonplacedhimonthethrone。NordidIconceivetheleastapprehensionfromhisresentment，asIknewmypowerwastoogreatforhimtoencounter。
"Amongotherstipulatedconditions，onewastomarrymydaughterEditha。ThisEdwardconsentedtowithgreatreluctance，andI
hadafterwardsnoreasontobepleasedwithit;foritraisedher，whohadbeenmyfavoritechild，tosuchanopinionofgreatness，that，insteadofpayingmetheusualrespect，shefrequentlythrewinmyteeth（asoftenatleastasIgaveheranyadmonition），thatshewasnowaqueen，andthatthecharacterandtitleoffathermergedinthatofsubject。Thisbehavior，however，didnotcuremeofmyaffectiontowardsher，norlessentheuneasinesswhichIafterwardsboreonEdward’sdismissingherfromhisbed。
"OnethingwhichprincipallyinducedmetolaborthepromotionofEdwardwasthesimplicityorweaknessofthatprince，underwhomIpromisedmyselfabsolutedominionunderanothername。Nordidthisopiniondeceiveme;for，duringhiswholereign，myadministrationwasinthehighestdegreedespotic：Ihadeverythingofroyaltybuttheoutwardensigns;nomaneverapplyingforaplace，oranykindofpreferment，buttomeonly。
Acircumstancewhich，asitgreatlyenrichedmycoffers，soitnolesspamperedmyambition，andsatisfiedmyvanitywithanumerousattendance;andIhadthepleasureofseeingthosewhoonlybowedtothekingprostratingthemselvesbeforeme。
"EdwardtheConfessor，orSt。Edward，assomehavecalledhim，inderisionIsuppose，beingaverysillyfellow，hadallthefaultsincident，andalmostinseparable，tofools。HemarriedmydaughterEdithafromhisfearofdisobligingme;andafterwards，outofhatredtome，refusedeventoconsummatehismarriage，thoughshewasoneofthemostbeautifulwomenofherage。Hewaslikewiseguiltyofthebasestingratitudetohismother（avicetowhichfoolsarechiefly，ifnotonly，liable）;and，inreturnforherendeavorstoprocurehimathroneinhisyouth，confinedherinaloathsomeprisoninheroldage。This，itistrue，hedidbymyadvice;butastoherwalkingovernineplowsharesred—hot，andgivingninemanors，whenshehadnotoneinherpossession，thereisnotasyllableofveracityinit。
"ThefirstgreatperplexityIfellintowasontheaccountofmysonSwane，whohaddefloweredtheabbessofLeon，sincecalledLeominster，inHerefordshire。AfterthisfactheretiredintoDenmark，whencehesenttometoobtainhispardon。Thekingatfirstrefusedit，beingmovedthereto，asIafterwardsfound，bysomechurchmen，particularlybyoneofhischaplains，whomIhadpreventedfromobtainingabishopric。UponthismysonSwaneinvadedthecoastswithseveralships，andcommittedmanyoutrageouscruelties;which，indeed，didhisbusiness，astheyservedmetoapplytothefearofthisking，whichIhadlongsincediscoveredtobehispredominantpassion。And，atlast，hewhohadrefusedpardontohisfirstoffensesubmittedtogiveithimafterhehadcommittedmanyothermoremonstrouscrimes;bywhichhispardonlostallgracetotheoffended，andreceiveddoublecensurefromallothers。
"ThekingwasgreatlyinclinedtotheNormans，hadcreatedaNormanarchbishopofCanterbury，andhadheapedextraordinaryfavorsonhim。Ihadnootherobjectiontothismanthanthatherosewithoutmyassistance;acauseofdislikewhich，inthereignofgreatandpowerfulfavorites，hathoftenprovedfataltothepersonswhohavegivenit，asthepersonsthusraisedinspireusconstantlywithjealousiesandapprehensions。Forwhenwepromoteanyoneourselves，wetakeeffectualcaretopreservesuchanascendantoverhim，thatwecanatanytimereducehimtohisformerdegree，shouldhedaretoactinoppositiontoourwills;forwhichreasonweneversufferanytocomeneartheprincebutsuchasweareassureditisimpossibleshouldbecapableofengagingorimprovinghisaffection;noprimeminister，asIapprehend，esteeminghimselftobesafewhileanyothersharestheearofhisprince，ofwhomweareasjealousasthefondesthusbandcanbeofhiswife。Whoever，therefore，canapproachhimbyanyotherchannelthanthatofourselves，is，inouropinion，adeclaredenemy，andonewhomthefirstprinciplesofpolicyobligeustodemolishwiththeutmostexpedition。Fortheaffectionofkingsisasprecariousasthatofwomen，andtheonlywaytosecureeithertoourselvesistokeepallothersfromthem。
"Butthearchbishopdidnotletmattersrestonsuspicion。HesoongaveopenproofsofhisinterestwiththeConfessorinprocuringanofficeofsomeimportanceforoneRollo，aRomanofmeanextractionandverydespicableparts。WhenIrepresentedtothekingtheindecencyofconferringsuchanhonoronsuchafellow，heansweredmethathewasthearchbishop’srelation。
’Then，sir，’repliedI，’heisrelatedtoyourenemy。’Nothingmorepassedatthattime;butIsoonperceived，bythearchbishop’sbehavior，thatthekinghadacquaintedhimwithourprivatediscourse;asufficientassuranceofhisconfidenceinhimandneglectofme。
"Thefavorofprinces，whenoncelost，isrecoverableonlybythegainingasituationwhichmaymakeyouterribletothem。AsI
hadnodoubtofhavinglostallcreditwiththisking，whichindeedhadbeenoriginallyfoundedandconstantlysupportedbyhisfear，soItookthemethodofterrortoregainit。
"TheearlofBoulognecomingovertovisitthekinggavemeanopportunityofbreakingoutintoopenopposition;for，astheearlwasonhisreturntoFrance，oneofhisservants，whowassentbeforetoprocurelodgingsatDover，andinsistedonhavingtheminthehouseofaprivatemaninspiteoftheowner’steeth，was，inafraywhichensued，killedonthespot;andtheearlhimself，arrivingtheresoonafter，verynarrowlyescapedwithhislife。Theearl，enragedatthisaffront，returnedtothekingatGloucesterwithloudcomplaintsanddemandsofsatisfaction。Edwardconsentedtohisdemands，andorderedmetochastisetherioters，whowereundermygovernmentasearlofKent：but，insteadofobeyingtheseorders，Ianswered，withsomewarmth，thattheEnglishwerenotusedtopunishpeopleunheard，noroughttheirrightsandprivilegestobeviolated;
thattheaccusedshouldbefirstsummoned——ifguilty，shouldmakesatisfactionbothwithbodyandestate，but，ifinnocent，shouldbedischarged。Adding，withgreatferocity，thatasearlofKentitwasmydutytoprotectthoseundermygovernmentagainsttheinsultsofforeigners。
"Thisaccidentwasextremelylucky，asitgavemyquarrelwiththekingapopularcolor，andsoingratiatedmewiththepeople，thatwhenIsetupmystandard，whichIsoonafterdid，theyreadilyandcheerfullylistedundermybannersandembracedmycause，whichIpersuadedthemwastheirown;forthatitwastoprotectthemagainstforeignersthatIhaddrawnmysword。ThewordforeignerswithanEnglishmanhathakindofmagicaleffect，theyhavingtheutmosthatredandaversiontothem，arisingfromthecrueltiestheysufferedfromtheDanesandsomeotherforeignnations。Nowonderthereforetheyespousedmycauseinaquarrelwhichhadsuchabeginning。
"Butwhatmaybesomewhatmoreremarkableis，thatwhenI
afterwardsreturnedtoEnglandfrombanishment，andwasattheheadofanarmyoftheFlemish，whowerepreparingtoplunderthecityofLondon，IstillpersistedthatIwascometodefendtheEnglishfromthedangerofforeigners，andgainedtheircredit。
Indeed，thereisnoliesogrossbutitmaybeimposedonthepeoplebythosewhomtheyesteemtheirpatronsanddefenders。
"Thekingsavedhiscitybybeingreconciledtome，andtakingagainmydaughter，whomhehadputawayfromhim;andthus，havingfrightenedthekingintowhatconcessionsIthoughtproper，Idismissedmyarmyandfleet，withwhichIintended，couldInothavesucceededotherwise，tohavesackedthecityofLondonandravagedthewholecountry。
"Iwasnosoonerre—establishedintheking’sfavor，or，whatwasaswellforme，theappearanceofit，thanIfellviolentlyonthearchbishop。HehadofhimselfretiredtohismonasteryinNormandy;butthatdidnotcontentme：Ihadhimformallybanished，theseedeclaredvacant，andthenfilledupbyanother。
"Ienjoyedmygrandeuraveryshorttimeaftermyrestorationtoit;fortheking，hatingandfearingmetoaverygreatdegree，andfindingnomeansofopenlydestroyingme，atlasteffectedhispurposebypoison，andthenspreadabroadaridiculousstory，ofmywishingthenextmorselmightchokemeifIhadhadanyhandinthedeathofAlfred;and，accordingly，thatthenextmorsel，byadivinejudgment，stuckinmythroatandperformedthatoffice。
"Thisofastatesmanwasoneofmyworststagesintheotherworld。Itisapostsubjecteddailytothegreatestdangerandinquietude，andattendedwithlittlepleasureandlessease。Inaword，itisapillwhich，wasitnotgildedoverbyambition，wouldappearnauseousanddetestableintheeyeofeveryone;andperhapsthatisonereasonwhyMinossogreatlycompassionatesthecaseofthosewhoswallowit：forthatjustjudgetoldmehealwaysacquittedaprimeministerwhocouldproduceonesinglegoodactioninhiswholelife，lethimhavecommittedeversomanycrimes。Indeed，Iunderstoodhimalittletoolargely，andwassteppingtowardsthegate;buthepulledmebythesleeve，and，tellingmenoprimeministereverenteredthere，bidmegobackagain;saying，hethoughtIhadsufficientreasontorejoiceinmyescapingthebottomlesspit，whichhalfmycrimescommittedinanyothercapacitywouldhaveentitledmeto。"
CHAPTERXXI
Julian’sadventuresinthepostofasoldier。
"IwasbornatCaen，inNormandy。Mymother’snamewasMatilda;
asformyfather，Iamnotsocertain，forthegoodwomanonherdeath—bedassuredmesheherselfcouldbringherguesstonogreatercertaintythantofiveofdukeWilliam’scaptains。WhenIwasnomorethanthirteen（beingindeedasurprisingstoutboyofmyage）IenlistedintothearmyofdukeWilliam，afterwardsknownbythenameofWilliamtheConqueror，landedwithhimatPemeseyorPemsey，inSussex，andwaspresentatthefamousbattleofHastings。
"Atthefirstonsetitwasimpossibletodescribemyconsternation，whichwasheightenedbythefalloftwosoldierswhostoodbyme;butthissoonabated，andbydegrees，asmybloodgrewwarm，Ithoughtnomoreofmyownsafety，butfellontheenemywithgreatfury，anddidagooddealofexecution;
till，unhappily，Ireceivedawoundinmythigh，whichrenderedmeunabletostandanylonger，sothatInowlayamongthedead，andwasconstantlyexposedtothedangerofbeingtrampledtodeath，aswellbymyfellow—soldiersasbytheenemy。However，I
hadthefortunetoescapeit，andcontinuedtheremainingpartofthedayandthenightfollowingontheground。
"Thenextmorning，thedukesendingoutpartiestobringoffthewounded，Iwasfoundalmostexpiringwithlossofblood;
notwithstandingwhich，asimmediatecarewastakentodressmywounds，youthandarobustconstitutionstoodmyfriends，andI
recoveredafteralongandtediousindisposition，andwasagainabletousemylimbsanddomyduty。
"AssoonasDoverwastakenIwasconveyedthitherwithalltherestofthesickandwounded。HereIrecoveredofmywound;butfellafterwardsintoaviolentflux，which，whenitdeparted，leftmesoweakthatitwaslongbeforeIcouldregainmystrength。Andwhatmostafflictedmewas，thatduringmywholeillness，whenIlanguishedunderwantaswellassickness，Ihaddailythemortificationtoseeandheartheriotsandexcessofmyfellow—soldiers，whohadhappilyescapedsafefromthebattle。
"IwasnosoonerwellthanIwasorderedintogarrisonatDoverCastle。Theofficersherefaredveryindifferently，buttheprivatemenmuchworse。Wehadgreatscarcityofprovisions，and，whatwasyetmoreintolerable，weresocloselyconfinedforwantofroom（fourofusbeingobligedtolieonthesamebundleofstraw），thatmanydied，andmostsickened。
"HereIhadremainedaboutfourmonths，whenonenightwewerealarmedwiththearrivaloftheearlofBoulogne，whohadcomeoverprivilyfromFrance，andendeavoredtosurprisethecastle。
Thedesignprovedineffectual;forthegarrisonmakingabrisksally，mostofhismenweretum—bleddowntheprecipice，andhereturnedwithaveryfewbacktoFrance。Inthisaction，however，Ihadthemisfortunetocomeoffwithabrokenarm;itwassoshattered，that，besidesagreatdealofpainandmiserywhichIenduredinmycure，Iwasdisabledforupwardsofthreemonths。
"SoonaftermyrecoveryIhadcontractedanamourwithayoungwomanwhoseparentslivednearthegarrison，andwereinmuchbettercircumstancesthanIhadreasontoexpectshouldgivetheirconsenttothematch。However，asshewasextremelyfondofme（asIwasindeeddistractedlyenamoredofher），theywereprevailedontocomplywithherdesires，andthedaywasfixedforourmarriage。
"Ontheeveningpreceding，whileIwasexultingwiththeeagerexpectationofthehappinessIwasthenextdaytoenjoy，I
receivedorderstomarchearlyinthemorningtowardsWindsor，wherealargearmywastobeformed，attheheadofwhichthekingintendedtomarchintothewest。AnypersonwhohatheverbeeninlovemayeasilyimaginewhatIfeltinmymindonreceivingthoseorders;andwhatstillheightenedmytormentswas，thatthecommandingofficerwouldnotpermitanyonetogooutofthegarrisonthatevening;sothatIhadnotevenanopportunityoftakingleaveofmybeloved。
"Themorningcamewhichwastohaveputmeinthepossessionofmywishes;but，alas！thescenewasnowchanged，andallthehopeswhichIhadraisedwerenowsomanyghoststohaunt，andfuriestotormentme。
"Itwasnowthemidstofwinter，andverysevereweatherfortheseason;whenwewereobligedtomakeverylongandfatiguingmarches，inwhichwesufferedalltheinconveniencesofcoldandhunger。ThenightinwhichIexpectedtoriotinthearmsofmybelovedmistressIwasobligedtotakeupwithalodgingontheground，exposedtotheinclemenciesofarigidfrost;norcouldI
obtaintheleastcomfortofsleep，whichshunnedmeasitsenemy。
Inshort，thehorrorsofthatnightarenottobedescribed，orperhapsimagined。Theymadesuchanimpressiononmysoul，thatIwasforcedtobedippedthreetimesintheriverLethetopreventmyrememberingitinthecharacterswhichIafterwardsperformedintheflesh。"
HereIinterruptedJulianforthefirsttime，andtoldhimnosuchdippinghadhappenedtomeinmyvoyagefromoneworldtotheother：buthesatisfiedmebysaying"thatthisonlyhappenedtothosespiritswhichreturnedintotheflesh，inordertopreventthatreminiscencewhichPlatomentions，andwhichwouldotherwisecausegreatconfusionintheotherworld。"
Hethenproceededasfollows："WecontinuedaverylaboriousmarchtoExeter，whichwewereorderedtobesiege。Thetownsoonsurrendered，andhismajestybuiltacastlethere，whichhegarrisonedwithhisNormans，andunhappilyIhadthemisfortunetobeoneofthenumber。
"HerewewereconfinedcloserthanIhadbeenatDover;for，asthecitizenswereextremelydisaffected，wewereneversufferedtogowithoutthewallsofthecastle;norindeedcouldwe，unlessinlargebodies，withouttheutmostdanger。Wewerelikewisekepttocontinualduty，norcouldanysolicitationsprevailwiththecommandingofficertogivemeamonth’sabsencetovisitmylove，fromwhomIhadnoopportunityofhearinginallmylongabsence。
"However，inthespring，thepeoplebeingmorequiet，andanotherofficerofagentlertempersucceedingtotheprincipalcommand，IobtainedleavetogotoDover;butalas！whatcomfortdidmylongjourneybringme？Ifoundtheparentsofmydarlingintheutmostmiseryatherloss;forshehaddied，aboutaweekbeforemyarrival，ofaconsumption，whichtheyimputedtoherpiningatmysuddendeparture。
"Inowfellintothemostviolentandalmostravingfitofdespair。Icursedmyself，theking，andthewholeworld，whichnolongerseemedtohaveanydelightforme。Ithrewmyselfonthegraveofmydeceasedlove，andlaytherewithoutanykindofsustenancefortwowholedays。Atlasthunger，togetherwiththepersuasionsofsomepeoplewhotookpityonme，prevailedwithmetoquitthatsituation，andrefreshmyselfwithfood。Theythenpersuadedmetoreturntomypost，andabandonaplacewherealmosteveryobjectIsawrecalledideastomymindwhich，astheysaid，Ishouldendeavorwithmyutmostforcetoexpelfromit。Thisadviceatlengthsucceeded;therather，asthefatherandmotherofmybelovedrefusedtoseeme，lookingonmeastheinnocentbutcertaincauseofthedeathoftheironlychild。
"Thelossofonewetenderlylove，asitisoneofthemostbitterandbitingevilswhichattendhumanlife，soitwantsthelenitivewhichpalliatesandsoftenseveryothercalamity;Imeanthatgreatreliever，hope。Nomancanbesototallyundone，butthathemaystillcherishexpectation：butthisdeprivesusofallsuchcomfort，norcananythingbuttimealonelessenit。
This，however，inmostminds，issuretoworkaslowbuteffectualremedy;sodiditinmine：forwithinatwelve—monthI
wasentirelyreconciledtomyfortune，andsoonafterabsolutelyforgottheobjectofapassionfromwhichIhadpromisedmyselfsuchextremehappiness，andinthedisappointmentofwhichIhadexperiencedsuchinconceivablemisery。
"AttheexpirationofthemonthIreturnedtomygarrisonatExeter;whereIwasnosoonerarrivedthanIwasorderedtomarchintothenorth，toopposeaforcethereleviedbytheearlsofChesterandNorthumberland。WecametoYork，wherehismajestypardonedtheheadsoftherebels，andveryseverelypunishedsomewhowerelessguilty。Itwasparticularlymylottobeorderedtoseizeapoormanwhohadneverbeenoutofhishouse，andconveyhimtoprison。Idetestedthisbarbarity，yetwasobligedtoexecuteit;nay，thoughnorewardwouldhavebribedmeinaprivatecapacitytohaveactedsuchapart，yetsomuchsanctityisthereinthecommandsofamonarchorgeneraltoasoldier，thatIperformeditwithoutreluctance，norhadthetearsofhiswifeandfamilyanyprevalencewithme。
"Butthis，whichwasaverysmallpieceofmischiefincomparisonwithmanyofmybarbaritiesafterwards，washowever，theonlyonewhichevergavemeanyuneasiness;forwhenthekingledusafterwardsintoNorthumberlandtorevengethosepeople’shavingjoinedwithOsbornetheDaneinhisinvasion，andordersweregivenustocommitwhatravageswecould，Iwasforwardinfulfillingthem，and，amongsomelessercruelties（Irememberityetwithsorrow），Iravishedawoman，murderedalittleinfantplayinginherlap，andthenburnedherhouse。Inshort，forI
havenopleasureinthispartofmyrelation，Ihadmyshareinallthecrueltiesexercisedonthosepoorwretches;whichweresogrievous，thatforsixtymilestogether，betweenYorkandDurham，notasinglehouse，church，oranyotherpublicorprivateedifice，wasleftstanding。
"Wehadprettywelldevouredthecountry，whenwewereorderedtomarchtotheIsleofEly，toopposeHereward，aboldandstoutsoldier，whohadunderhimaverylargebodyofrebels，whohadtheimpudencetoriseagainsttheirkingandconqueror（ItalknowinthesamestyleIdidthen）indefenseoftheirliberties，astheycalledthem。Theseweresoonsubdued;butasIhappened（moretomyglorythanmycomfort）tobepostedinthatpartthroughwhichHerewardcuthisway，Ireceivedadreadfulcutontheforehead，asecondontheshoulder，andwasrunthroughthebodywithapike。
"Ilanguishedalongtimewiththesewounds，whichmademeincapableofattendingthekingintoScotland。However，IwasabletogooverwithhimafterwardsintoNormandy，inhisexpeditionagainstPhilip，whohadtakentheopportunityofthetroublesinEnglandtoinvadethatprovince。ThosefewNormanswhobadsurvivedtheirwounds，andhadremainedintheIsleofEly，wereallofournationwhowent，therestofhisarmybeingallcomposedofEnglish。InaskirmishnearthetownofMansmylegwasbrokeandsoshatteredthatitwasforcedtobecutoff。
"Iwasnowdisabledfromservinglongerinthearmy;andaccordingly，beingdischargedfromtheservice，Iretiredtotheplaceofmynativity，where，inextremepoverty，andfrequentbadhealthfromthemanywoundsIhadreceived，Idraggedonamiserablelifetotheageofsixty—three;myonlypleasurebeingtorecountthefeatsofmyyouth，inwhichnarrativesIgenerallyexceededthetruth。
"ItwouldbetediousandunpleasanttorecounttoyoutheseveralmiseriesIsufferedaftermyreturntoCaen;letitsuffice，theyweresoterriblethattheyinducedMinostocompassionateme，and，notwithstandingthebarbaritiesIhadbeenguiltyofinNorthumberland，tosuffermetogooncemorebacktoearth。"