CONTENTS
　　MISSSHUM’SHUSBAND
　　THEAMOURSOFMR。DEUCEACE
　　FORINGPARTS
　　MR。DEUCEACEATPARIS：——
　　CHAP。I。TheTwoBundlesofHayII。"HonorthyFather"
　　III。MinewvringIV。"HittingtheNaleontheHedd"
　　V。TheGriffin’sClawsVI。TheJewelVII。TheConsquinsiesVIII。TheEndofMr。Deuceace’sHistory。LimboIX。TheMarriageX。TheHoney—moonMR。YELLOWPLUSH’SAJEW
　　SKIMMINGSFROM"THEDAIRYOFGEORGEIV。"
　　EPISTLESTOTHELITERATI
　　MEMOIRSOFMR。CHARLESJ。YELLOWPLUSH
　　MISSSHUM’SHUSBAND。
　　CHAPTERI。
　　Iwasbornintheyearone，ofthepresentorChristianhera，andam，inconsquints，seven—and—thirtyyearsold。MymammacalledmeCharlesJamesHarringtonFitzroyYellowplush，incomplimenttoseveralnoblefamilies，andtoasellybratedcoachminwhomsheknew，whoworeayellowlivry，anddrovetheLordMayorofLondon。
　　Whyshegevmethisgenlmn’snameisadiffiklty，orraytherthenameofapartofhisdress;however，it’sstucktomethroughlife，inwhichIwas，asitwere，afootmanbybuth。
　　Prapshewasmyfather——thoughonthissubjictIcan’tspeaksuttinly，formymawrappedupmybuthinamistry。Imaybeillygitmit，Imayhavebeenchangedatnuss;butI’vealwayshadgenlmnlytastesthroughlife，andhavenodoubtthatIcomeofagenlmnlyorigum。
　　ThelessIsayaboutmyparintthebetter，forthedearoldcreaturwasverygoodtome，and，Ifear，hadverylittleothergoodnessinher。Why，Ican’tsay;butIalwayspassedashernevyou。Weledastrangelife;sometimesmawasdressedinsattnandrooge，andsometimesinragsanddutt;sometimesIgotkisses，andsometimeskix;sometimesgin，andsometimesshampang;lawblessus！howsheusedtoswearatme，andcuddleme;therewewere，quarrellingandmakingup，soberandtipsy，starvingandguttlingbyturns，justasmagotmoneyorspentit。Butletmedrawavailovertheseen，andspeakofhernomore——its’sfishantforthepublictoknow，thathernamewasMissMontmorency，andwelivedintheNewCut。
　　Mypoormotherdiedonemorning，Hev，nblessher！andIwasleftaloneinthiswidewickedwuld，withoutsomuchmoneyaswouldbuymeapennyroalformybrexfast。Buttherewassomeamongstournaybors（andletmetellyouthere’smorekindnessamongthempoordisrepettablecreaturs，thaninhalfadozenlordsorbarrynets）
　　whotookpityuponpoorSal’sorfin（fortheybustoutlaffinwhenIcalledherMissMontmorency），andgevmebredandshelter。I’mafraid，inspiteoftheirkindness，thatmyMORRILSwouldn’thaveimprovedifI’dstayedlongamong’em。Butabenny—violentgenlmnsawme，andputmetoschool。TheacademywhichIwenttowascalledtheFreeSchoolofSaintBartholomew’stheLess——theyounggenlmnworegreenbaizecoats，yellowleatherwhatsisnames，atinplateontheleftarm，andacapaboutthesizeofamuffing。I
　　stayedtheresicksyears;fromsicks，thatistosay，tillmytwelthyear，duringthreeyearsofwitchIdistinguishedmyselfnotalittleinthemusicleway，forIbloothebellusofthechurchhorgin，andveryfinetunesweplayedtoo。
　　Well，it’snotworthrecountingmyjewvenilefollies（whattrixweusedtoplaytheapplewoman！andhowweputsnuffintheoldclark’sPrayer—book——myeye！）;butoneday，agenlmnenteredtheschool—room——itwasontheverydaywhenIwenttosubtraxion——andaskedthemasterforayoungladforaservant。Theypitcheduponmegladenough;andnexdayfoundmesleepinginthesculry，closeunderthesink，atMr。Bago’scountry—houseatPentonwille。
　　BagokepashopinSmithfieldmarket，anddrovataringgoodtradeinthehoilandItalianway。I’veheardhimsay，thatheclearednolessthanfiftypoundseveryyearbylettinghisfrontroomathangingtime。HiswinderslookedrightopsitNewgit，andmanyandmanydozenchapshasheseenhangingthere。Lawswaslawsintheyearten，andtheyscrewedchaps’nexfornextonothink。Butmybisnisswasathiscountry—house，whereImademyfirstontrayintofashnabllife。Iwasknife，errint，andstable—boythen，andan’tashamedtoownit;formymerritshaveraisedmetowhatIam——twolivries，fortypoundayear，malt—licker，washin，silk—stocking，andwaxcandles——notcountinwails，whichissomethinkprettyconsiderableatOURhouse，Icantellyou。
　　Ididn’tstaylonghere，forasuckmstancehappenedwhichgotmeaverydifferentsituation。Ahandsomeyounggenlmn，whokepatilbryandaridinhorseatlivry，wantedatiger。Ibidatoncefortheplace;and，beinganeattidy—lookinglad，hetookme。
　　Bagogavemeacharacter，andhemyfirstlivry;proudenoughIwasofit，asyoumayfancy。
　　Mynewmasterhadsomebusinessinthecity，forhewentineverymorningatten，gotoutofhistilbryattheCittyRoad，andhaditwaitingforhimatsix;when，ifitwassummer，hespankedroundintothePark，anddroveoneoftheneatestturnoutsthere。WeryproudIwasinagold—lacedhat，adrabcoatandaredweskit，tositbyhisside，whenhedrove。Ialreadybegantooglethegalsinthecarridges，andtofeelthatlongingforfashionabllifewhichI’vehadeversince。Whenhewasattheoppera，ortheplay，downIwenttoskittles，ortoWhiteCondickGardens;andMr。
　　FredericAltamont’syoungmanwassomebody，Iwarrant：tobesurethereisveryfewman—servantsatPentonwille，thepoppylationbeingmostlygalsofallwork;andso，thoughonlyfourteen，Iwasasmuchamandownthere，asifIhadbeenasoldasJerusalem。
　　Butthemostsingularthingwas，thatmymaster，whowassuchagaychap，shouldliveinsuchahole。Hehadonlyaground—floorinJohnStreet——aparlorandabedroom。Islepovertheway，andonlycameinwithhisbootsandbrexfastofamorning。
　　ThehousehelodgedinbelongedtoMr。andMrs。Shum。Theywereapoorbutprolifficcouple，whohadrentedtheplaceformanyyears;
　　andtheyandtheirfamilyweresqueezedinitprettytight，Icantellyou。
　　Shumsaidhehadbeenahofficer，andsohehad。Hehadbeenasub—deputyassistantvice—commissary，orsomesuchthink;and，asIheerdafterwards，hadbeenobligedtoleaveonaccountofhisNERVOUSNESS。Hewassuchacoward，thefactis，thathewasconsidereddangeroustotheharmy，andsenthome。
　　HehadmarriedawidowBuckmaster，whohadbeenaMissSlamcoe。
　　ShewasaBristolgal;andherfatherbeingabankrupinthetallow—chandleringway，left，incourse，aprettylittlesumofmoney。Athousandpoundwassettledonher;andshewasashighandmightyasifithadbeenamillium。
　　Buckmasterdied，leavingnothink;nothinkexceptfouruglydaughtersbyMissSlamcoe：andherfortypoundayearwasraytheranarrowincomeforoneofherappytiteandpretensions。InanunluckyhourforShumshemethim。Hewasawidowerwithalittledaughterofthreeyearsold，alittlehouseatPentonwille，andalittleincomeaboutasbigasherown。Ibelieveshebullydthepoorcreatureintomarridge;anditwasagreedthatheshouldlethisground—flooratJohnStreet，andsoaddsomethinktotheirmeans。
　　Theymarried;andthewidowBuckmasterwasthegraymare，Icantellyou。Shewasalwaystalkingandblusteringaboutherfamly，thecelebrityoftheBuckmasters，andtheanticketyoftheSlamcoes。Theyhadasix—roomedhouse（notcountingkitchingandsculry），andnowtwelvedaughtersinall;whizz。——4MissBuckmasters：MissBetsy，MissDosy，MissBiddy，andMissWinny;
　　1MissShum，Marybyname，Shum’sdaughter，andsevenothers，whoshallbenameless。Mrs。Shumwasafat，red—hairedwoman，atleastafoottallerthanS。;whowasbutayardandahalfhigh，pale—
　　faced，red—nosed，knock—kneed，bald—headed，hisnoseandshut—frillallbrownwithsnuff。
　　Beforethehousewasalittlegarden，wherethewashinofthefamlywasallwayshanging。Therewassomanyof’emthatitwasobligedtobedonebyrelays。Therewassixrailsandastockingoneach，andfoursmallgoosbrybushes，alwayscoveredwithsomebitoflinningorother。Thehallwasaregularpuddle：wetdabsofdishcloutsflappedinyourface;soapysmokingbitsofflanningwentnightochokeyou;andwhileyouwerelookinguptopreventhangingyourselfwiththeropeswhichwerestrungacrossandabout，slapcamethehedgeofapailagainstyourshins，tillonewasliketobedrovemadwithhagony。Thegreatslattnlydoddlinggirlswasalwaysonthestairs，pokingaboutwithnastyflower—pots，a—
　　cookingsomething，orsprawlinginthewindow—seatswithgreasycurl—papers，readinggreasynovels。Aninfernalpiannawasjinglingfrommorningtillnight——twoeldestMissBuckmasters，"BattleofPrag"——sixyoungestMissShums，"InmyCottage，"tillI
　　kneweverynoteinthe"BattleofPrag，"andcussedthedaywhen"InmyCottage"wasrote。Theyoungergirls，too，werealwaysbouncingandthumpingaboutthehouse，withtornpinnyfores，anddogs—eardgrammars，andlargepiecesofbreadandtreacle。Ineverseesuchahouse。
　　AsforMrs。Shum，shewassuchafinelady，thatshedidnothinkbutlayonthedrawing—roomsophy，readnovels，drink，scold，scream，andgointohystarrix。LittleShumkepreadinganoldnewspaperfromweeks’endtoweeks’end，whenhewasnotengagedinteachingthechildren，orgoinforthebeer，orcleanintheshoes：
　　fortheykepnoservant。ThishouseinJohnStreetwasinshortaregularPandymony。
　　WhatcouldhavebroughtMr。FredericAltamonttodwellinsuchaplace？Thereasonishobvius：headoaredthefustMissShum。
　　Andsuttnlyhedidnotshowabadtaste;forthoughtheotherdaughterswereasuglyastheirhideousma，MaryShumwasaprettylittlepink，modestcreatur，withglossyblackhairandtenderblueeyes，andaneckaswhiteasplasterofParish。Sheworeadismaloldblackgownd，whichhadgrowntooshortforher，andtootight;
　　butitonlyservedtoshowherprettyanglesandfeet，andbewchusfigger。Master，thoughhehadlookedratherlowforthegalofhisart，hadcertainlylookedintherightplace。Neverwasonemoreprettyormorehamiable。Igavheralwaysthebutteredtoastleftfromourbrexfust，andacupofteaorchocklate，asAltamontmightfancy：andthepoorthingwasgladenoughofit，Icanvouch;fortheyhadpreciousshortcommonsupstairs，andshetheleastofall。
　　ForitseemedasifwhichoftheShumfamlyshouldtrytosnubthepoorthingmost。TherewasthefourBuckmastergirlsalwaysather。Itwas，Mary，gitthecoal—skittle;Mary，rundowntothepublic—houseforthebeer;Mary，Iintendtowearyourcleanstockensoutwalking，oryournewbonnettochurch。Onlyherpoorfatherwaskindtoher;andhe，pooroldmuff！hiskindnesswasofnouse。Maryboreallthescoldinglikeahangel，asshewas：no，notifshehadapairofwingsandagooldtrumpet，couldshehavebeenagreaterhangel。
　　Inevershallforgitoneseenthattookplace。ItwaswhenMasterwasinthecity;andso，havingnothinkearthlytodo，Ihappenedtobelisteningonthestairs。Theoldscoldingwasa—goingon，andtheoldtuneofthathojus"BattleofPrag。"OldShummadesomeremark;andMissBuckmastercriedout，"Law，pa！whatafoolyouare！"Allthegalsbeganlaffin，andsodidMrs。Shum;all，thatis，excepMary，whoturnedasredasflams，andgoinguptoMissBetsyBuckmaster，givehertwosuchwaxonhergreatredearsasmadethemtingleagain。
　　OldMrs。Shumscreamed，andranatherlikeaBengaltiger。Hergreatarmsventveelingaboutlikeavinmill，asshecuffedandthumpedpoorMaryfortakingherpa’spart。MaryShum，whowasalwaysa—cryingbefore，didn’tshedatearnow。"Iwilldoitagain，"shesaid，"ifBetsyinsultsmyfather。"Newthumps，newshreex;andtheoldhorridanwentonbeatinthepoorgirltillshewasquiteexosted，andfelldownonthesophy，puffinlikeapoppus。
　　"Forshame，Mary，"beganoldShum;"forshame，younaughtygal，you！forhurtingthefeelingsofyourdearmamma，andbeatingyourkindsister。"
　　"Why，itwasbecauseshecalledyoua——"
　　"Ifshedid，youpertmiss，"saidShum，lookingmightydignitified，"Icouldcorrecther，andnotyou。"
　　"Youcorrectme，indeed！"saidMissBetsy，turninguphernose，ifpossible，higherthanbefore;"Ishouldliketoseeyouerectme！
　　Imperence！"andtheyallbeganlaffinagain。
　　BythistimeMrs。S。hadrecoveredfromtheeffexofherexsize，andshebegantopourinHERwolly。FustshecalledMarynames，thenShum。
　　"Oh，why，"screechedshe，"whydidIeverleaveagenteelfamly，whereIadeveryellyganceandlucksry，tomarryacreaturlikethis？Heisunfittobecalledaman，heisunworthytomarryagentlewoman;andasforthathussy，Idisownher。Thankheavenshean’taSlamcoe;sheisonlyfittobeaShum！"
　　"That’strue，mamma，"saidallthegals;fortheirmotherhadtaughtthemthisprettypieceofmanners，andtheydespisedtheirfatherheartily：indeed，Ihavealwaysremarkedthat，infamlieswherethewifeisinternallytalkingaboutthemeritsofherbranch，thehusbandisinvariablyaspooney。
　　Well，whenshewasexostedagain，downshefellonthesofy，atheroldtrix——morescreeching——moreconvulshuns：andshewouldn’tstop，thistime，tillShumhadgotherhalfapintofheroldremedy，fromthe"BlueLion"overtheway。Shegrewmoreeasyasshefinishedthegin;butMarywassentoutoftheroom，andtoldnottocomebackaginallday。
　　"MissMary，"saysI，——formyheartyurnedtothepoorgal，asshecamesobbingandmiserabledownstairs："MissMary，"saysI，"ifI
　　mightmakesobold，here’smaster’sroomempty，andIknowwherethecoldbifandpicklesis。""Oh，Charles！"saidshe，noddingherheadsadly，"I’mtooretchedtohaveanyhappytite。"Andsheflungherselfonachair，andbegantocryfittobust。
　　Atthismomentwhoshouldcomeinbutmymaster。IhadtakenholdofMissMary’shand，somehow，anddobelieveIshouldhavekistit，when，asIsaid，Haltamontmadehisappearance。"What’sthis？"
　　crieshe，lookinatmeasblackasthunder，orasMr。PhillipsasHickit，inthenewtragedyofMacBuff。
　　"It’sonlyMissMary，sir，"answeredI。
　　"Getout，sir，"sayshe，asfierceasposbil;andIfeltsomethink（Ithinkitwasthetipofhisto）touchingmebehind，andfoundmyself，nexminit，sprawlingamongthewetflanningsandbucketsandthings。
　　Thepeoplefromupstairscametoseewhatwasthematter，asIwascussinandcryingout。"It’sonlyCharles，ma，"screamedoutMissBetsy。
　　"Where’sMary？"saysMrs。Shum，fromthesofy。
　　"She’sinMaster’sroom，miss，"saidI。
　　"She’sinthelodger’sroom，ma，"criesMissShum，heckoingme。
　　"Verygood;tellhertostaytheretillhecomesback。"AndthenMissShumwentbouncingupthestairsagain，littleknowingofHaltamont’sreturn……
　　I’dlongbeforeobservedthatmymasterhadananchoringafterMaryShum;indeed，asIhavesaid，itwaspurelyforhersakethathetookandkephislodgingsatPentonwille。Excepforthesakeoflove，whichisabovebeingmersnary，fourteenshillingsawickwasaLITTLEtoostrongfortwosuchrat—holesashelivedin。Idoblievethefamlyhadnothingelsebuttheirlodgertoliveon：theybrekfistedoffhistea—leaves，theycutawaypoundsandpoundsofmeatfromhisjints（healwaysdinedathome），andhisbaker’sbillwasatleastenoughforsix。Butthatwasn’tmybusiness。Isawhimgrin，sometimes，whenIlaiddownthecoldbifofamorning，toseehowlittlewasleftofyesterday’ssirline;butheneversaidasyllabub：fortruelovedon’tmindapoundofmeatorsohextra。
　　Atfirst，hewasverykindandattentivetoallthegals;MissBetsy，inpartickler，grewmightyfondofhim：theysat，forwholeevenings，playingcribbitch，hetakinghispipeandglas，sheherteaandmuffing;butasitwasimproperforhertocomealone，shebroughtoneofhersisters，andthiswasgenrallyMary，——forhemadeapintofaskingher，too，——andoneday，whenoneoftheotherscameinstead，hetoldher，veryquitely，thathehadn’tinvitedher;andMissBuckmasterwastoofondofmuffingstotrythisgameonagain：besides，shewasjealousofherthreegrownsisters，andconsideredMaryasonlyachild。Lawblessus！howsheusedtooglehim，andquotbitsofpottry，andplay"MeetMebyMoonlike，"onanoldgitter：shereglarflungherselfathishead：
　　buthewouldn’thaveit，beinbetterockypiedelsewhere。
　　Onenight，asgenteelaspossible，hebroughthometicketsfor"Ashley’s，"andproposedtotakethetwoyoungladies——MissBetsyandMissMary，incourse。Irecklecthecalledmeasidethatafternoon，assumingasolamonandmisterushare，"Charles，"saidhe，"AREYOUUPTOSNUFF？"
　　"Whysir，"saidI，"I’mgenrallyconsideredtolerablydowny。"
　　"Well，"sayshe，"I’llgiveyouhalfasufferingifyoucanmanagethisbisnessforme;I’vechosearainynightonpurpus。Whenthetheatreisover，youmustbewaitinwithtwoumbrellows;givemeone，andholdtheotheroverMissBuckmaster：and，harkye，sir，TURNTOTHERIGHTwhenyouleavethetheater，andsaythecoachisorderedtostandalittlewayupthestreet，inordertogetridofthecrowd。"
　　Wewent（inaflyhiredbyMr。A。），andnevershallIforgitCartliche’shactingonthatmemrablenight。TalkofKimble！talkofMagreedy！Ashley’sformymoney，withCartlitchintheprincipalpart。Butthisisnothinktotheporpus。Whentheplaywasover，Iwasatthedoorwiththeumbrellos。Itwasrainingcatsanddogs，sureenough。
　　Mr。Altamontcameoutpresently，MissMaryunderhisarm，andMissBetsyfollowingbehind，raythersulky。"Thisway，sir，"criesI，pushinforward;andIthrewagreatcloakoverMissBetsy，fittosmotherher。Mr。A。andMissMaryskippedonandwasoutofsightwhenMissBetsy’scloakwassettled，youmaybesure。
　　"They’reonlygonetothefly，miss。It’salittlewayupthestreet，awayfromthecrowdofcarridges。"AndoffweturnedTO
　　THERIGHT，andnomistake。
　　Aftermarchinalittlethroughtheplashandmud，"HasanybodyseenCoxy’sfly？"criesI，withthemostinnocenthaxentintheworld。
　　"Cox’sfly！"hollowsoutonechap。"Isitthevagginyouwant？"
　　saysanother。"Iseetheblackinwanpass，"gigglesoutanothergentlmn;andtherewassuchahinterchangeofcomplimentsasyouneverheerd。Ipassthemoverthough，becausesomeof’emwerenotwerygenteel。
　　"Law，miss，"saidI，"whatshallIdo？Mymasterwillneverforgiveme;andIhaven’tasinglesixpencetopayacoach。"MissBetsywasjustgoingtocallonewhenIsaidthat;butthecoachmanwouldn’thaveitatthatprice，hesaid，andIknewverywellthatSHEhadn’tfourorfiveshillingstopayforawehicle。So，inthemidstofthattarinrain，atmidnight，wehadtowalkfourmiles，fromWestminsterBridgetoPentonwille;andwhatwaswuss，IDIDN’T
　　HAPPENTOKNOWTHEWAY。Averynicewalkitwas，andnomistake。
　　Atabouthalf—pasttwo，wegotsafetoJohnStreet。Mymasterwasatthegardengate。MissMaryflewintoMissBetsy’sarms，whilemasterbeguncussinandswearingatmefordisobeyinghisorders，andTURNINGTOTHERIGHTINSTEADOFTOTHELEFT！Lawblessme！hishactingofhangerwasverynearasnatralandasterryblasMr。
　　Cartlich’sintheplay。
　　Theyhadwaitedhalfanhour，hesaid，inthefly，inthelittlestreetattheleftofthetheater;theyhaddroveupanddowninthegreatestfrightpossible;andatlastcamehome，thinkingitwasinvaintowaitanymore。Theygaveher’otrum—and—waterandroastoystersforsupper，andthisconsoledheralittle。
　　IhopenobodywillcastanimputationonMissMaryforHERshareinthisadventer，forshewasashonestagalaseverlived，andIdobelieveishignoranttothisdayofourlittlestrattygim。Besides，all’sfairinlove;and，asmymastercouldnevergettoseeheralone，onaccountofherinfernalelevensistersandma，hetookthisopportunityofexpressinhisattachmenttoher。
　　Ifhewasinlovewithherbefore，youmaybesureshepaidithimbackagainnow。EverafterthenightatAshley’s，theywereastenderastwotuttle—doves——whichfullyaccountsfortheaxdentwhathappenedtome，inbeingkickedoutoftheroom：andincourseIborenomallis。
　　Idon’tknowwhetherMissBetsystillfanciedthatmymasterwasinlovewithher，butshelovedmuffingsandtea，andkemdowntohisparlorasmuchasever。
　　Nowcomesthesing’larpartofmyhistory。
　　CHAPTERII。
　　Butwhowasthisgenlmnwithafinename——Mr。FredericAltamont？orwhatwashe？ThemostmysterusgenlmnthateverIknew。OnceI
　　saidtohimonaweryrainyday，"Sir，shallIbringthegigdowntoyouroffice？"andhegavemeoneofhisblacklooksandoneofhisloudesthoaths，andtoldmetomindmyownbizziness，andattendtomyorders。Anotherday，——itwasonthedaywhenMissMaryslappedMissBetsy’sface，——MissM。，whoadoaredhim，asI
　　havesaidalready，keponaskinghimwhatwashisbuth，parentidg，andediccation。"DearFrederic，"saysshe，"whythismistryaboutyourselfandyourhactions？whyhidefromyourlittleMary"——theywereastenderasthis，Icantellyou——"yourbuthandyourprofessin？"
　　IsposeMr。Fredericlookedblack，forIwasONLYlistening，andhesaid，inavoicehagitatedbyemotion，"Mary，"saidhe，"ifyouloveme，askmethisnomore：letitbesfishntforyoutoknowthatIamahonestman，andthatasecret，whatitwouldbemiseryforyoutolarn，musthangoverallmyactions——thatisfromteno’clocktillsix。"
　　Theywentonchaffinandtalkinginthismelumcollyandmysterusway，andIdidn’tloseawordofwhattheysaid;forthemhousesinPentonwillehaveonlywallsmadeofpasteboard，andyouhearraytherbetteroutsidetheroomthanin。But，thoughhekepuphissecret，hesworetoherhisaffektionthisdaypintblank。Nothingshouldpreventhim，hesaid，fromleadinghertothehalter，frommakinherhisadoarablewife。Afterthiswasaslightsilence。
　　"DearestFrederic，"mummeredoutmiss，speakinasifshewaschokin，"Iamyours——yoursforever。"Andthensilenceagen，andoneortwosmax，asiftherewaskissingoingon。HereIthoughtitbesttogivearattleatthedoor—lock;for，asIlive，therewasoldMrs。Shuma—walkindownthestairs！
　　Itappearsthatoneoftheyoungergals，a—lookingoutofthebed—
　　rumwindow，hadseenmymastercomein，andcomingdowntoteahalfanhourafterwards，saidsoinacussaryway。OldMrs。Shum，whowasadragonofvertyou，cambustlingdownthestairs，pantingandfrowning，asfatandasfierceasaoldsowatfeedintime。
　　"Where’sthelodger，fellow？"saysshetome。
　　Ispokeloudenoughtobehearddownthestreet——"Ifyoumean，ma’am，mymaster，Mr。FredericAltamont，esquire，he’sjuststeptin，andisputtinoncleanshoesinhisbedroom。"
　　Shesaidnothinkinanswer，butflumpspastme，andopeningtheparlor—door，seesmasterlookingveryqueer，andMissMarya—
　　droopingdownherheadlikeapalelily。
　　"Didyoucomeintomyfamly，"saysshe，"tocorruptmydaughters，andtodestroythehinnocenceofthatinfamousgal？Didyoucomehere，sir，asaseducer，oronlyasalodger？Speak，sir，speak！"——
　　andshefoldedherarmsquitefierce，andlookedlikeMrs。SiddumsintheTragicMews。
　　"Icamehere，Mrs。Shum，"saidhe，"becauseIlovedyourdaughter，orIneverwouldhavecondescendedtoliveinsuchabeggarlyhole。
　　Ihavetreatedherineveryrespectlikeagenlmn，andsheisasinnocentnow，ma’m，asshewaswhenshewasborn。Ifshe’llmarryme，Iamready;ifshe’llleaveyou，sheshallhaveahomewheresheshallbeneitherbullydnorstarved：nohangryfrumpsofsisters，nocrossmother—in—law，onlyanaffeckshnathusband，andallthepurepleasuresofHyming。"
　　Maryflungherselfintohisarms——"Dear，dearFrederic，"saysshe，"I’llneverleaveyou。"
　　"Miss，"saysMrs。Shum，"youain’taSlamcoenoryetaBuckmaster，thankGod。Youmaymarrythispersonifyourpathinksproper，andhemayinsultme——braveme——trampleonmyfeelinxinmyownhouse——
　　andthere’sno—o—o—obodybytodefendme。"
　　Iknewwhatshewasgoingtobeat：oncameherhistarrixagen，andshebeganscreechinandroaringlikemad。DowncomesofcoursetheelevengalsandoldShum。Therewasaprettyrow。"Lookhere，sir，"saysshe，"attheconduckofyourprecioustrullofadaughter——alonewiththisman，kissinanddandlin，andLawdknowswhatbesides。"
　　"What，he？"criesMissBetsy——"heinlovewithMary。Oh，thewretch，themonster，thedeceiver！"——andshefallsdowntoo，screechingawayasloudashermamma;forthesillycreaturefanciedstillthatAltamonthadafondnessforher。
　　"SILENCETHESEWOMEN！"shoutsoutAltamont，thunderingloud。"I
　　loveyourdaughter，Mr。Shum。Iwilltakeherwithoutapenny，andcanaffordtokeepher。Ifyoudon’tgivehertome，she’llcomeofherownwill。Isthatenough？——mayIhaveher？"
　　"We’lltalkofthismatter，sir，"saysMr。Shum，lookingashighandmightyasanalderman。"Gals，goupstairswithyourdearmamma。"——Andtheyalltroopedupagain，andsotheskrimmageended。
　　YoumaybesurethatoldShumwasnotverysorrytogetahusbandforhisdaughterMary，fortheoldcreaturlovedherbetterthanallthepackwhichhadbeenbroughthimorborntohimbyMrs。
　　Buckmaster。But，strangetosay，whenhecametotalkofsettlementsandsoforth，notawordwouldmymasteranswer。Hesaidhemadefourhundredayearreglar——hewouldn’ttellhow——butMary，ifshemarriedhim，mustshareallthathehad，andasknoquestions;onlythishewouldsay，ashe’dsaidbefore，thathewasahonestman。
　　Theyweremarriedinafewdays，andtookaverygenteelhouseatIslington;butstillmymasterwentawaytobusiness，andnobodyknewwhere。Whocouldhebe？
　　CHAPTERIII。
　　Ifeverayoungkippleinthemiddlinclassesbeganlifewithachanceofhappiness，itwasMr。andMrs。FredericAltamont。TherehouseatCannonRow，Islington，wasascomfortableashousecouldbe。Carpitedfromtoptoto;pore’sratessmall;furniturelygant;
　　andthreedeomestix：ofwhichI，incourse，wasone。Mylifewasn’tsoeasyasinMr。A。’sbachelordays;but，whatthen？ThethreeW’sismymaxum：plentyofwork，plentyofwittles，andplentyofwages。Altamontkephisgignolonger，butwenttothecityinanomlibuster。
　　Onewouldhavethought，Isay，thatMrs。A。，withsuchaneffeckshnuthusband，mighthavebeenashappyasherblessidmajisty。Nothingofthesort。Forthefustsixmonthsitwasallverywell;butthenshegrewgloomierandgloomier，thoughA。dideverythinkinlifetopleaseher。
　　OldShumusedtocomereglarlyfourtimesawicktoCannonRow，wherehelunched，anddined，andteed，andsupd。Theporelittlemanwasathoughttoofondofwineandspirits;andmanyandmany’sthenightthatI’vehadtosupporthimhome。AndyoumaybesurethatMissBetsydidnotnowdeserthersister：shewasatourplacemornink，noon，andnight;notmuchtomymayster’sliking，thoughhewastoogood—naturedtowexhiswifeintrifles。
　　ButBetsyneverhadforgottentherecollectionofolddays，andhatedAltamontlikethefoulfeind。Sheputallkindofbadthingsintotheheadofpoorinnocentmissis;who，frombeingallgayetyandcheerfulness，grewtobequitemelumcollyandpale，andretchid，justasifshehadbeenthemostmisrablewomanintheworld。
　　Inthreemonthsmore，ababycomes，incourse，andwithitoldMrs。
　　Shum，whostucktoMrs。’sideascloseasawampire，andmadeherretchiderandretchider。SheusedtobustintotearswhenAltamontcamehome：sheusedtosighandwheepovertheporechild，andsay，"Mychild，mychild，yourfatherisfalsetome;"or，"yourfatherdeceivesme;"or"whatwillyoudowhenyourporemotherisnomore？"orsuchlikesentimentalstuff。
　　ItallcamefromMotherShum，andheroldtrix，asIsoonfoundout。Thefactis，whenthereisamistryofthiskindinthehouse，itsaservant’sDUTYtolisten;andlistenIdid，onedaywhenMrs。wascryinasusual，andfatMrs。Shumasittinconsolinher，asshecalledit：though，heavenknows，sheonlygrewwussandwussfortheconsolation。
　　Well，Ilistened;Mrs。Shumwasa—rockinthebaby，andmissiscryinasyousual。
　　"Poredearinnocint，"saysMrs。S。，heavinagreatsigh，"you’rethechildofaunknownfatherandamisrablemother。"
　　"Don’tspeakillofFrederic，mamma，"saysmissis;"heisallkindnesstome。"
　　"Allkindness，indeed！yes，hegivesyouafinehouse，andafinegownd，andarideinaflywheneveryouplease;butWHEREDOESALL
　　HISMONEYCOMEFROM？Whoishe——whatishe？Whoknowsthathemayn’tbeamurderer，orahousebreaker，orauttererofforgednotes？Howcanhemakehismoneyhonestly，whenhewon’tsaywherehegetsit？Whydoesheleaveyoueighthourseveryblessidday，andwon’tsaywherehegoesto？Oh，Mary，Mary，youarethemostinjuredofwomen！"
　　AndwiththisMrs。Shumbegansobbin;andMissBetsybeganyowlinglikeacatinagitter;andporemissiscried，too——tearsissoremarkableinfeckshus。
　　"Perhaps，mamma，"wimperedoutshe，"Fredericisashop—boy，anddon’tlikemetoknowthatheisnotagentleman。"
　　"Ashopboy，"saysBetsy，"heashopboy！Ono，no，no！morelikelyawretchedwillainofamurderer，stabbinandrobingallday，andfeedinyouwiththefruitsofhisill—gottengames！"
　　Morecryingandscreechinheretookplace，inwhichthebabyjoined;andmadeaveryprettyconsort，Icantellyou。
　　"Hecan’tbearobber，"criesmissis;"he’stoogood，tookind，forthat：besides，murderingisdoneatnight，andFredericisalwayshomeateight。"
　　"Buthecanbeaforger，"saysBetsy，"awicked，wickedFORGER。
　　Whydoeshegoawayeveryday？toforgenotes，tobesure。Whydoeshegotothecity？tobenearbanksandplaces，andsodoitmoreathisconvenience。"
　　"Buthebringshomeasumofmoneyeveryday——aboutthirtyshillings——sometimesfifty：andthenhesmiles，andsaysit’sagoodday’swork。Thisisnotlikeaforger，"saidporeMrs。A。
　　"Ihaveit——Ihaveit！"screamsoutMrs。S。"Thevillain——thesneaking，double—facedJonas！he’smarriedtosomebodyelseheis，andthat’swhyheleavesyou，thebasebiggymist！"
　　Atthis，Mrs。Altamont，struckallofaheap，faintedcleanaway。
　　Adreadfulbusinessitwas——hystarrix;thenhystarrix，incourse，fromMrs。Shum;bellsringin，childsqualin，suvvantstearinupanddownstairswithhotwater！Ifeverthereisanoosanceintheworld，it’sahousewherefaintainisalwaysgoinon。Iwouldn’tliveinone，——no，nottobegroomofthechambers，andgittwohundredayear。
　　Itwaseighto’clockintheeveninwhenthisrowtookplace;andsucharowitwas，thatnobodybutmeheardmaster’sknock。Hecamein，andheardthehooping，andscreeching，androaring。Heseemedverymuchfrightenedatfirst，andsaid，"Whatisit？"
　　"Mrs。Shum’shere，"saysI，"andMrs。inastarrix。"
　　Altamontlookedasblackasthunder，andgrowledoutawordwhichI
　　don’tliketoname，——letitsufficethatitbeginswithaDandendswithaNATION;andhetoreupstairslikemad。
　　Hebustopenthebedroomdoor;missislayquitepaleandstonyonthesofy;thebabbywasscreechinfromthecraddle;MissBetsywassprawlinovermissis;andMrs。Shumhalfonthebedandhalfontheground：allhowlinandsqueelin，likesomanydogsatthemoond。
　　WhenA。camein，themotheranddaughterstoppedallofasudding。
　　Therehadbeenoneortwotiffsbeforebetweenthem，andtheyfearedhimasifhehadbeenahogre。
　　"What’sthisinfernalscreechingandcryingabout？"sayshe。"Oh，Mr。Altamont，"criestheoldwoman，"youknowtoowell;it’saboutyouthatthisdarlingchildismisrabble！"
　　"Andwhyaboutme，pray，madam？"
　　"Why，sir，dareyouaskwhy？Becauseyoudeceiveher，sir;becauseyouareafalse，cowardlytraitor，sir;becauseYOUHAVEAWIFE
　　ELSEWHERE，SIR！"AndtheoldladyandMissBetsybegantoroaragainasloudasever。
　　Altamontpawsedforaminnit，andthenflungthedoorwideopen;
　　nexheseizedMissBetsyasifhishandwereavice，andheworldheroutoftheroom;thenuphegoestoMrs。S。"Getup，"sayshe，thunderingloud，"youlazy，trolloping，mischsef—making，lyingoldfool！Getup，andgetoutofthishouse。Youhavebeenthecussandbainofmyhappynisssinceyouenteredit。Withyourd————dlies，andnovvlerending，andhisterrix，youhaveperwertedMary，andmadeheralmostasmadasyourself。"
　　"Mychild！mychild！"shriexoutMrs。Shum，andclingsroundmissis。ButAltamontranbetweenthem，andgripingtheoldladybyherarm，draggedhertothedoor。"Followyourdaughter，ma’m，"
　　sayshe，anddownshewent。"CHAWLS，SEETHOSELADIESTOTHE
　　DOOR，"hehollowsout，"andneverletthempassitagain。"Wewalkeddowntogether，andofftheywent：andmasterlockedanddouble—lockedthebedroomdoorafterhim，intendin，ofcourse，tohaveatator—tator（astheysay）withhiswife。YoumaybesurethatIfollowedupstairsagainprettyquick，toheartheresultoftheirconfidence。
　　AstheysayatSt。Stevenses，itwasraytherastormydebate。
　　"Mary，"saysmaster，"you’renolongerthemerrygreatfulgalI
　　knewandlovedatPentonwill：there’ssomesecretapressinonyou——
　　there’snosmilinwelcomformenow，asthereusedformlytobe！
　　Yourmotherandsister—in—lawhaveperwertedyou，Mary：andthat’swhyI’vedrovethemfromthishouse，whichtheyshallnotre—enterinmylife。"
　　"O，Frederic！it’sYOUisthecause，andnotI。Whydoyouhaveanymistryfromme？Wheredoyouspendyourdays？Whydidyouleaveme，evenonthedayofyourmarridge，foreighthours，andcontinuetodosoeveryday？"
　　"Because，"sayshe，"Imakesmylivelihoodbyit。Ileaveyou，anddon’ttellyouHOWImakeit：foritwouldmakeyounonethehappiertoknow。"
　　Itwasinthiswaytheconvysationrenon——moretearsandquestionsonmymissisespart，moresturmnessandsilenceonmymaster’s：itendedforthefirsttimesincetheirmarridge，inareglarquarrel。
　　Werydifrent，Icantellyou，fromallthehammerousbillingandkewingwhichhadproceededtheirnupshuls。
　　Masterwentout，slammingthedoorinafury;aswellhemight。
　　Sayshe，"IfIcan’thaveacomforablelife，Icanhaveajollyone;"andsohewentofftothehedtavern，andcamehomethateveningbeeslyintawsicated。Whenhighwordsbegininafamilydrinkgenerallyfollowsonthegenlman’sside;andthen，fearwelltoallconjubialhappyniss！Thesetwopipple，sofondandloving，werenowsirly，silent，andfullofilwil。Masterwentoutearlier，andcamehomelater;missiscriedmore，andlookedevenpalerthanbefore。
　　Well，thingswentoninthisuncomfortableway，masterstillinthemopes，missistemptedbythedeamonsofjellosyandcurosity;untilasinglaraxidentbroughttolightallthegoingsonofMr。
　　Altamont。
　　ItwasthetenthofJanuary;Irecklecttheday，foroldShumgevmehalfacrownd（thefustandlastofhismoneyIeversee，bytheway）：hewasdiningalongwithmaster，andtheyweremakingmerrytogether。
　　Mastersaid，ashewasmixinghisfifthtumlerofpunchandlittleShumhistwelfthorso——mastersaid，"IseeyoutwiceintheCityto—day，Mr。Shum。"
　　"Well，that’scurous！"saysShum。"IWASintheCity。To—day’sthedaywhenthedivvydins（Godbless’em）ispaid;andmeandMrs。
　　S。wentforourhalf—year’sinkem。Butweonlygotoutofthecoach，crossedthestreettotheBank，tookourmoney，andgotinagen。Howcouldyouseemetwice？"
　　Altamontstutteredandstammeredandhemd，andhawd。"O！"sayshe，"Iwaspassing——passingasyouwentinandout。"Andheinstantlyturnedtheconversation，andbegantalkingaboutpollytix，ortheweather，orsomesuchstuff。
　　"Yes，mydear，"saidmymissis，"buthowcouldyouseepapaTWICE？"
　　Masterdidn’tanswer，buttalkedpollytixmorethanever。Stillshewouldcontinyon。"Wherewasyou，mydear，whenyousawpa？
　　Whatwereyoudoing，mylove，toseepatwice？"andsoforth。
　　Masterlookedangrierandangrier，andhiswifeonlypressedhimwussandwuss。
　　Thiswas，asIsaid，littleShum’stwelfthtumler;andIknewprittywellthathecouldgitverylittlefurther;for，asreglarasthethirteenthcame，Shumwasdrunk。Thethirteenthdidcome，anditsconsquinzes。IwasobligedtoleedhimhometoJohnStreet，whereIlefthiminthehangryarmsofMrs。Shum。
　　"Howthed——，"saydhealltheway，"howthed—dd——thededdy——
　　deddy——devil——couldhehaveseenmeTWICE？"
　　CHAPTERIV。
　　ItwasasadsliponAltamont’spart，fornosoonerdidhegooutthenextmorningthanmissiswentouttoo。Shetordownthestreet，andneverstoppedtillshecametoherpa’shouseatPentonwill。Shewasclositidforanhourwithherma，andwhenshelefthershedrovestraighttotheCity。ShewalkedbeforetheBank，andbehindtheBank，androundtheBank：shecamehomedisperryted，havinglearnednothink。
　　AnditwasnowanextraordinarythingthatfromShum’shouseforthenexttendaystherewasnothingbutexpyditionsintothecity。
　　Mrs。S。，thoherdropsiclelegshadnevercarredherhalfsofurbefore，waseternallyonthekeyveve，astheFrenchsay。Ifshedidn’tgo，MissBetsydid，ormissesdid：theyseemedtohaveanattrackshuntotheBank，andwentthereasnatralasanomlibus。
　　Atlastoneday，oldMrs。Shumcomestoourhouse——（shewasn’tadmittedwhenmasterwasthere，butcamestillinhisabsints）——
　　andsheworeahairoftryumph，assheentered。"Mary，"saysshe，"whereisthemoneyyourhusbindbroughttoyouyesterday？"Mymasterusedalwaystogiveittomissiswhenhereturned。
　　"Themoney，ma！"saysMary。"Whyhere！"Andpullingoutherpuss，sheshowedasovrin，agoodheapofsilver，andanodd—lookinglittlecoin。
　　"THAT’SIT！that’sit！"criedMrs。S。"AQueeneAnne’ssixpence，isn’tit，dear——datedseventeenhundredandthree？"
　　Itwassosureenough：aQueenAnssixpenceofthatverydate。
　　"Now，mylove，"saysshe，"Ihavefoundhim！Comewithmeto—
　　morrow，andyoushallKNOWALL！"
　　Andnowcomestheendofmystory……
　　TheladiesnexmorningsetoutfortheCity，andIwalkedbehind，doingthegenteelthing，withanosegyandagooldstick。WewalkeddowntheNewRoad——wewalkeddowntheCityRoad——wewalkedtotheBank。WewerecrossingfromthatheddyfiztotheothersideofCornhill，whenallofasuddenmississhreeked，andfaintedspontaceouslyaway。
　　Irushedforrard，andraisedhertomyarms：spilingtherebyanewweskitandapairofcrimsonsmalcloes。Irushedforrard。Isay，verynearlyknockingdowntheoldsweeperwhowashobblingawayasfastasposibil。WetookhertoBirch’s;weprovidedherwithahackney—coachandeverylucksury，andcarriedherhometoIslington……
　　Thatnightmasternevercamehome。Northenexnight，northenex。