Itistheheterogeneouscharacterofthebuildingsdowntownthatrendersourstreetssohideous。Farfromseekingharmony，buildersseemtobetryingto"go"eachother"onestorybetter"；iftheycanbelittleaneighborintheprocessitiscleargain，andsomuchadvertisement。CertainblocksonlowerBroadwayaregemsinthisway！Anyonewhohasglancedatanauctioneer’sshelveswhena"joblot"ofbooksisbeingsold，willdoubtlesshavenoticedtheirresemblancetothesidewalksofourdowntownstreets。Daintylittleduodecimobuildingsaresqueezedinbetweentoweringin—
　　folios，andrichlyboundandtooledoctavoschumwithcheapeditions。OurcarelessCityFathershavenotevengiventhemselvesthetroubleofpushingtheirstoneandbrickvolumesintothesameline，butallowthemtostragglealongtheshelf—Ibegpardon，thesidewalk—accordingtotheirownsweetwill。
　　Theresemblanceofmostnewbusinessbuildingstoflashybooksincreasesthemoreonestudiesthem；theyhavetheproportionsofschoolatlases，and，likethem，areadornedonlyontheirbacks（readfronts）。Themodernbuilder，likethefrugalbinder，leavesthesidesofhiscreationsunadorned，andexpendshisingenuityindecoratingthenarrowstripwhichhenaivelyimagineswillbetheonlypartseen，calmlyignoringthefactthatonglancingupordownastreetthesidesofhousesarewhatweseefirst。Itisalmostimpossibletogetmathematicallyoppositeabuilding，yetthatistheonlypointfromwhichthesenewconstructionsarenotgrotesque。
　　Itseemsasthoughtherudimentsofcommonsensewouldsuggestthatunderexistingcircumstancesthelessdecorationputonafacadethegreaterwouldbetheharmonyofthewhole。Buttrifleslikeharmonyandfitnessaresplendidlyignoredbythearchitectsofto—day，who，beitremarkedinpassing，haveslippedintoanothercurioushabitforwhichIshouldgreatlyliketoseeanexplanationoffered。Aslongasthegroundfloorsandthetopsoftheircreationsareelaborate，thedesignerevidentlythinkstheinterveningtwelveorfifteenstoriescanshiftforthemselves。OneclumsymassontheBowlingGreenisanexcellentexampleofthisweakness。ItsgroundfloorisaplayfulreproductionofthetombsofEgypt。
　　Aboutthesecondstorythearchitectmusthavebecomediscouraged—orperhapstheowner’sfundsgaveout—forthenextdozenfloorsaretreatedintheseverest"tenementhouse"
　　manner；then，ashisbuildingterminateswellupinthesky，atopfloorortwoare，fornoapparentreason，elaboratelyadorned。Indeed，thisdesireforabrilliantfinishpervadestheneighborhood。TheJohnsonBuildingonBroadStreet（tochooseoneoutofthemany）issoberanddiscreetindesignforadozenstories，butburstsatitstopintoaByzantinecolonnade。Why？oneasksinwonder。
　　Anothernew—comer，cornerofWallandNassauStreets，isacommonplacestructure，withafairlygoodcornice，ontopofwhich—anafterthought，probably—aminiatureStateCapitolhasbeenadded，withdomeandcolonnadecomplete。Theresultrecallsdear，absent—mindedMissMatty（inMrs。Gaskell’scharmingstory），whensheputherbestcapontopofanoldoneandsatsmilingathervisitorsfromunderthedoubleheaddress！
　　Nowhereintheworld—noteveninMoscow，thatcityofdomes—canoneseesuchacollectionofpagodas，cupolas，kiosks，andturretsasgracetheroofsofourofficebuildings！
　　Architectsevidentlylookuponsuchadornmentsascompensations！Themorehideousthestructure，thefineritsdome！Havingperpetratedablotuponthecitythatcriestoheaveninitsenormity，therepentantowneraddsapagodaortwo，muchinthesamespirit，doubtless，aspromptsanItalianpeasanttohangavotiveheartonsomefriendlyshrinewhenacrimeliesheavyonhisconscience。
　　Whatwouldbethoughtofabook—collectorwhotooktostandinginkstandsorpepperboxesonthetopsofhistallestvolumesbywayofadornment？Yetdomesonbusinessbuildingsareeverybitasappropriate。AchoicecollectionofthosemonstrositiesgracesParkRow，onemuch—gildedoffendervaryingthemonotonybylookinglikeayellowstopperinahigh—shoulderedbottle！HowmodernarchitectswiththeexquisiteCityHallbeforethemcouldhavewanderedsofarafieldintheirsearchfortheoriginalmustalwaysremainamystery。
　　Whenatall，thinbuildinghappenstostandonacorner，thelikenesstoanatlasisreplacedbyagrotesqueresemblancetoawaffleiron，ofwhichonestructurejustfinishedonRectorStreetskilfullyreproduces’thelines。Therowsoflittlewindowswereevidentlyarrangedtoimitatetheindentationsonthathumbleutensil，andtheelevatedroadatthebackseemsinthiscasetododutyasthehandle。Mrs。VanRensselaertellsusinherdelightfulGOEDEVROUWOFMANA—HA—TAthatwaffleironsusedtobeafavoriteweddingpresentamongtheDutchsettlersofthisisland，andwereadornedwithmonogramsandotherdevices，soperhapsitisatavismthatmakesussofondofthisforminbuilding！As，however，nocarefulHAUSFRAUwouldhavestoodherirononitsedge，architectsshouldhesitatebeforeplacingtheirbuildingsinthatposition，astheimpressionofinstabilityisthesameineachcase。
　　AfterleavingthevicinityoftheCityHall，thetallslabsthatlikemagnifiedmilestonesmarktheprogressofArchitectureupBroadwaybecomeashadelessobjectionable，althoughonemeetssomestrangefreaksinso—calleddecorationbytheway。Why，forinstance，werethoseTitancolumnsgroupedaroundtheentrancetotheAmericanSuretyCompany’sbuilding？Theydonotsupportanything（the"business"ofcolumnsinarchitecture）exceptsomeratherfeeblestatuary，anddoseriouslyblocktheentrance。Weretheyaddedwiththeideaoffitness？Thatcanhardlybe，foraporticoisasinappropriatetosuchabuildingasitwouldbetoaparlorcar，andalmostasinconvenient。
　　Fartheruptownourattentionisarrestedbyanothermisplacedadornment。WhatpurposecanthattombwitharailingrounditserveontopoftheNewYorkLifeInsurancebuilding？ItlookslikeamonumentinGreenwood，surmountedbyarat—trap，butnooneisinterredthere，andvermincanhardlybetroublesomeatthataltitude。
　　Howdidthiscrazefordecorationoriginate？TheinhabitantsofFlorenceandAthensdidnotconsideritnecessary。Theremust，Ifeelsure，beareasonforitsuseinthiscity；
　　Americanland—lordsrarelyspendmoneywithoutapurpose；
　　perhapstheyfindthatrococodetaildrawsbusinessandinspiresconfidence！
　　IshouldliketoaskthearchitectsofNewYorkonequestion：
　　Havetheynotbeentaughtthatintheirart，asineveryother，pretencesarevulgar，thatthingsshouldbewhattheyseem？Thenwhydotheycontinuetohidesteelandfire—brickcagesunderaveneerofgranitesixinchesthick，causingthemtoposeassolidstonebuildings？Ifthereisademandfortall，lightstructures，whynotbuildthemsimply（asbridgesareconstructed），andnotaddapoulticeofboguscolumnsandzinccornicesthatservenopurposeanddeceivenoone？
　　UnionSquarepossessesblocksoutofwhichtheJacksonandDeckerbuildingsspringwithanobledisregardofallrulesandadeliciousincongruitythatremindsoneofFalstaff’scorpsofill—drilledsoldiers。MadisonSquare，however，isFACILEPRINCEPS，withitsannextotheHoffmanHouse，abuildingwhichwouldmakethefortuneofanydimemuseumthatcouldfenceitinandshowitforafee！Longcontemplationofthisstructurefrommystudywindowhasprintedeverycomicdetailonmybrain。ItstartsoffatthegroundleveltobeanimitationoftheDoge’sPalace（aneatandappropriateideainitselfforaBroadwayshop）。Atthesecondstory，followingtheusualNewYorkmethod，itrevertstoadesignsuggestiveofacountyjail（thePalaceandthePrison），withhereandthereabalconyhungout，emblematical，doubtless，oftheinmates’washandbedding。AttheninthfloortherepentantarchitectaddstwomorestoriesinmemoryoftheDoge’sresidence。Haveyoueverseenanaccordion（concertina，Ibelieve，isthecorrectname）hanginginashopwindow？TheTwenty—fifthStreetDoge’sPalaceremindsmeofthathumbleinstrument。Thewoodenpart，wherethekeysandroundholesare，standsonthesidewalk。Thencomeanindefinitenumberofpleats，andfinallytheotherwoodenendwellupamongtheclouds。Sostrikingisthisresemblancethatattimesoneexpectstohearthelong—drawnmoanspeculiartotheconcertinaissuingfromthoseportals。Alas！
　　eventhemostoriginaldesignshavetheirdrawbacks！AftertheproprietoroftheVenetianaccordionhadgothisinstrumentwelldrawnoutandbalancedonitsend，heperceivedthatitdwarfedtheadjacentbuildings，socastaboutinhismindforaschemetoaddheightanddignitytotherestoftheblock。Onedaytheastonishedneighborhoodsawwhatappearedtobea"roomysuburbanvilla"ofironrisingontheroofoftheoldHoffmanHouse。Theresultssuggestsasmallmanwho，beingobligedtowalkwithagiant，hadputonahatseveraltimestoolargeinordertoequalizetheirheights！
　　HowastonishedPericlesandhiscircleofarchitectsandsculptorswouldbecouldtheystandonthecornerofBroadwayandTwenty—eighthStreetandseetheminiatureParthenonthatgracestheroofofapileinnocentofotherGreekornament？
　　Theywouldalsorecognizetheiroldfriends，theladiesoftheErechtheum，doingdutyontheReveillonBuildingacrosstheway，pretendingtoholdupacornice，which，beinginproportiontothebuilding，isseveralhundredtimestoobigforthemtocarry。Theycan’tbeseenfromthesidewalk，—
　　thestreetistoonarrowforthat，—butsuchtriflesdon’tdeterbuildersfromdecoratingwhenthefitisonthem。
　　Perhapsthisonegothiscaryatidesatabargain，andhadtoworktheminsomewhere；soitisnotfairtobehardonhim。
　　Ifeverwetaketoballooning，alltheseelaboratetopsmayaddmateriallytoourpleasure。Atthepresentmomentthebirds，andangels，itistobehoped，appreciatetheeffort。
　　I，perhaps，ofalltheinhabitantsofthecity，haveseenthoseladiesfacetoface，whenIhavegoneonasemi—monthlyvisittomyrooftolookforleaks！
　　"It’sallverywelltocarpandcavil，"manyreaderswillsay，"but`Idler’forgetsthatourmodernarchitectshavehadtocontendwithdifficultiesthatthedesignersofotheragesneverfaced，demandsforspaceandlightforcingthenineteenth—centurybuilderstoproducestructureswhichtheyknowareneithergracefulnorinproportion！"
　　Ifmyreaderswillgivethemselvesthetroubletoglanceatseveralofficebuildingsinthecity，theywillrealizethattheproblemisnotwithoutasolution。Inalmosteverycasewherethearchitecthasrefrainedfromuselessdecorationandstucktosimplelines，theresult，ifnotbeautiful，hasatleastbeeninoffensive。Itiswhereinappropriateelaborationisaddedthattasteisoffended。SuchstructuresastheSingerbuilding，cornerofLibertyStreetandBroadway，andthehomeofLIFE，inThirty—firstStreet，provethatbeautyandgraceoffacadecanbeadaptedtomodernbusinesswants。
　　FeelingasmanyNewYorkersdoaboutthisdefacingofwhatmighthavebeenthemostbeautifulofmoderncities，itisgallingtobecalledupontoadmirewhereitisalreadyanefforttotolerate。
　　Asprightlygentleman，writingrecentlyinascientificweekly，goesintoecstasiesofadmirationovertheadvantagesandbeautyofasteelmastodononParkRow，abuildingthathastheproportionsofacarpenter’splanestoodonend，decoratedhereandtherewithbalconiesandacolonnadeperchedonbracketsuptowarditsfifteenthstory。Hecomplacentlygivesusitsweightandheightascomparedwiththepyramids，andnumerousotherdetailsastofloorspaceandventilation，andhintsinconclusionthatonlyoldfogiesanddullards，unabletokeeppacewiththetimes，failtoappreciatethecharmofsuchstructuresinacity。Oneofthe"points"thiswritermakesisthequalityofairenjoyedbytenants，amusinglyobliviousofthefactthatatleastthreefacadesofeachtallbuildingwillseethedayonlysolongastheproprietorsofadjacentlandaretoopoorortoobusytoconstructsimilarcolossi！
　　Whenallthebuildingsinablockarethesameheight，seveneighthsoftheroomsineachwillbewithoutlightorventilation。It’sratherpoortastetobragofadvantagesthatareenjoyedonlythroughthegenerosityofone’sneighbors。
　　Businessdemandsmayforceustobowbeforethenecessityofthesehorrors，butitcertainlyis"rubbingitin"toaskourapplause。WhentheEiffelTowerwasincourseofconstruction，theartistsandliterarylightsofParisraisedatempestofprotest。Onewonderswhysolittleofthekindhasbeendonehere。Itisperhapsratherlateinthedaytosuggestreform，yetifmoreNewYorkerswouldinterestthemselvesinthework，muchmightstillbedonetomodifyandimproveourmetropolis。
　　Onehearswithsatisfactionthatagroupofarchitectshavelatelymetanddiscussedplansfortheembellishmentofourneglectedcity。Thereisacertainpoeticaljusticeinthepropositioncomingfromthosewhohaveworkedsomuchoftheharm。Remorsehasbeforenowbeenknowntoproducegoodresults。TheUnitedStatestreasuryyearlyreceiveslargesumsof"consciencemoney。"
　　Chapter7—WorldlyColor—BlindnessMYRIADSofpeoplehavenoearformusicandderivebutlittlepleasurefromsweetsounds。Strangeasitmayappear，manygiftedandsensitivemortalshavebeenunabletodistinguishonenotefromanother，Apollo’sharmoniousartremainingforthem，asfortheelderDumas，onlyan"expensivenoise。"
　　Anotherlargeclassfinditimpossibletodiscriminatebetweencolors。Menafflictedinthiswayhaveevenbecomepaintersofreputation。Iknewoneofthelatter，who，whenafriendcomplimentedhimonhavingcaughttheexactshadeofapinktoiletinoneofhisportraits，answered，"Doesthatdresslookpinktoyou？Ithoughtitwasgreen！"andyethehadcopiedwhathesawcorrectly。
　　Boththeseclassesaretobepitied，butarenotthecauseofmuchsufferingtoothers。Itisannoying，Igrantyou，tobetornasunderinacollision，becauseredandgreenlightsontheswitchescombinedintoapleasingharmonybeforethebrakeman’seyes。Thetone—deafgentlemanwhoinsistsonwhistlingapopularmelodyisalmostastryingastheladysufferingfromthesameweakness，whoshouts，"Ninon，Ninon，quefais—tudelavie！"untilyoufeelimpelledtocry，"Quefaites—vous，madame，withthekey？"
　　Examinationsnowkeepdaltonicgentlemenoutoflocomotives，andladieswhohavelosttheir"keys"areapttofindtheirfriends’pianosclosed。WhatwecannotguardagainstisavarietyofthegenusHOMOwhichsuffersfrom"socialcolor—
　　blindness。"Thesewell—meaningmortalsformoneofthehardesttrialsthatsocietyisheirto；forthediseaseisincurable，andasitisalmostimpossibletoescapefromthem，theycontinuetospreaddismayandconfusionalongtheirpathtothebitterend。
　　Thismalady，which，asfarasIknow，hasnotbeendiagnosed，invadesallcircles，andis，curiouslyenough，rampantamongwell—bornandapparentlywell—bredpeople。
　　Whyisitthattheentertainmentsatcertainhousesarealwaysdullfailures，whileacrossthewayoneenjoyssuchagreeableevenings？Bothhostsaregentlemen，enjoyingaboutthesameamountof"unearnedincrement，"yettheatmosphereoftheirhousesisradicallydifferent。Thiscontrastcannotbetracedtothedulnessorbrilliancyoftheentertainerandhiswife。
　　Neithercanitbelaidatthedoorofinexperience，fortheworstoffendersareoftenoldhandsatthegame。
　　Theonlyexplanationpossibleisthattheownersofhouseswhereoneisboredaresociallycolor—blind，ascheerfullyunconsciousoftheirweaknessasthekeylessladyandthewhistlingabomination。
　　Sinceincreasingwealthhasmadeentertaininggeneralandlavish，thismaladyhasbecomemoreandmoreapparent，untiloneistemptedtoparodyMme。Roland’sdyingexclamationandcry，"Hospitality！hospitility！whatcrimesarecommittedinthyname！"
　　Entertainingisformanypeoplebutanexcuseforostentation。
　　Forothersitisameanstoanend；whileathirdvarietyapparentlykeepadebitandcreditaccountwiththeiracquaintances—inbooksofdoubleentry，sothatnoerrorsmayoccur—andissueinvitationslikereceipts，onlyinreturnforvaluereceived。
　　Wecanrarelytellwhatispassinginthemindsofpeopleaboutus。Someofthosementionedabovemayfeelavaguepleasurewhentheirroomsarefilledwithachatteringcrowdofmoreorlesswell—assortedguests；ifthatisdeniedthem，canfindconsolationfortheoutlayinanindefinitesensationofhavingperformedaduty，—whatduty，ortowhom，theywould，however，finditdifficulttodefine。
　　Letthenovicefleefromtheallurementsofsuchahost。Oldhandsknowhimandhavegothimontheirlist，escapingwhenescapeispossible；forhewillmatethegreenyouthwiththeredfrump，orlikeaprematuremillenniumforcethelionandthelambtoliedowntogether，andimaginehehasgivenunmixedpleasuretoboth。
　　Onewouldexpectthatgreatworldlylightsmightlearnbyexperiencehowfatalbungledentertainmentscanbe，butsuchisnotthecase。Manywell—intentionedpeoplecontinuesacrificingtheirfriendsonthealtarofhospitalityyearafteryearwithneveraqualmofconscienceorasensationofpityfortheirvictims。Onepracticalladyofmyacquaintanceasksherguestsalphabetically，commencingtheseasonandthefirstleafofhervisitinglistsimultaneouslyandworkingsteadilyonthroughbothto"finis。"IfyouareanA，youwillmeetonlyA’sathertable，withperhapsoneortwoB’sthrownintofillup；youmaysitnexttoyourmother—in—lawforallthehostesscares。Shehasprobablyneverheardthatthenumberofguestsattableshouldnotexceedthatofthemuses；orifbyanychanceshehasheardit，doesnotcare，andconsiderssucharuleold—fashionedandnotappropriatetoourimprovedmodernmethodsofentertaining。
　　Onewonderswhatpossiblesatisfactionahostcanderivefromprovidingfiftypeoplewithunwholesomefoodanddrinkatafixeddate。Itisaphysicalimpossibilityforhimtohavemorethanapassingwordwithhisguests，andtentoonetheunaccustomednumberhasupsettheinternalarrangementsofhishousehold，sothatthedinnerwill，inconsequence，bepoorandtheservicedefective。
　　Aside—lightonthisquestioncametomerecentlywhenanexceedinglyfrankhusbandconfidedtoacircleofhisfriendsattheclubtheschemehiswife，who，thoughonpleasurebent，wasofafrugalmind，hadadoptedtobalancehersocialledger。
　　"Aswedineoutconstantlythroughtheyear，"remarkedBenedict，"somereturnisnecessary。Sowewaituntiltheheightofthewinterseason，wheneverybodyisengagedtwoweeksinadvance，thensendoutourinvitationsatrathershortnoticefortwoorthreeconsecutivedinners。You’dbesurprised，"heremarked，withabeamingsmile，"whatanumberrefuse；lastwinterwecancelledallourobligationswithtwodinners，theflowersandentreesbeingasfreshonthesecondeveningasthefirst！It’swonderful！"heremarkedinconclusion，"howsimpleentertainingbecomeswhenoneknowshow！"WhichremindedmeofaningeniousyouthIonceheardtellingsomefriendshoweasyhehadfoundittowritethebookhehadjustpublished。Afterhisdepartureweagreedthatifhefounditsoeasyitwouldnotbeworthourwhiletoreadhisvolume。
　　Tender—heartedpeoplegenerallymakebadhosts。Theyhaveawayofcollectingthemorallylame，halt，andblindintotheirdrawing—roomsthatgivesthoseapartmentstheairofaconvalescenthome。Themomentacouplehaveplacedthemselvesbeyondthesocialpale，thesepurblindhostsconceiveanaffectionforandlavishhospitalityuponthem。Ifsuchahosthasbeenfortunateenoughtogettogetheracircleofhealthypeople，youmayfeelconfidentthatatthelastmomentaleperwillbeintroduced。Thisclassofentertainersfailtoseethatsocietycannotherunonaphilanthropicbasis，andsoinsistonturningtheirsalonsintohospitals。
　　Itwouldtaketoolongtoenumeratethethousandidiosyncrasiesofthecolor—blind；few，however，aremoreamusingthanthoseoftheimpulsivegentlemenwhoinvitepeopletotheirhomesindiscriminately，becausetheyhappentofeelinagoodhumororchancetobeseatednextthematanotherhouse，—invitationswhichthehostregretshalfanhourlater，andwouldwillinglyrecall。"Ican’tthinkwhyI
　　askedtheSo—and—sos！"hewillconfidetoyou。"Ican’tabidethem；theyareasdullasthedropsy！"ManyyearsagoinParis，weusedtocallacertainhospitablelady’sinvitations"souptickets，"solittleindividualitydidtheypossess。
　　Thesubtlelawsofmoralprecedencearedifficultreadingforthemostintelligent，andthereforeremainsealedbookstotheafflictedmortalsmentionedhere。Thedelicatetactthat，withnoapparenteffort，combinescongenialelementsintoadelightfulwholeislackingintheircomposition。Thenicediscriminationthatpresidesoversomehouseholdsisreplacedbyajovialindifferencetootherpersons’feelingsandprejudices。
　　TheideaofplacingprettyMissDebutantenextyoungStrongboysinsteadofgivingheroverintotheclutchesofoldMr。Boremorewillneverentertheseobtuseentertainers’
　　heads，anymorethanthatoftryingtokeeppoor，defencelessMrs。MouseoutofyoungTomCat’sclaws。
　　Itisuselesstoenumerateinstances；peoplehavesufferedtooseverelyatthehandsofcarelessandincompetenthostsnottoknowprettywellwhatthetitleofthispapermeans。Somanyofushavecomeawayfromfruitlessevenings，grindingourteeth，andvowingnevertoenterthosedoorsagainwhilelifelasts，thatthetimeseemsripeforaprotest。
　　Ifthecolor—blindwouldonlyrefrainfrompainting，andthetone—deafnotinsistoninvitingonetotheirconcerts，theworldwouldbeamuchmoreagreeableplace。Ifpeoplewouldonlylearnwhattheycanandwhattheycan’tdo，andleavethelatterfeatsalone，avastamountofunnecessaryannoyancewouldbeavoidedandthetiresomeoldgrindstoneturntoamorecheerfultune。
　　Chapter8—IdlinginMid—OceanTOthosefortunatemortalsfromwhomPoseidonexactsnotributeincrossinghisbroaddomain，atransatlanticvoyagemustaffordeachyearanevernewdelight。Thecaresandworriesofexistencefadeawayanddisappearincompanywiththeland，inthedeepbosomoftheoceanburied。Onenolongerfeelsliketheboredmortalwhohasallwinterturnedthemillstoneofworkandpleasure，butseemstohavetransmigratedintoanewbody，endowedwitharavenousappetiteandperfectlyfreshsensations。
　　Perhapsitisonlythenoveltyofthesurroundings；butasI
　　liesomnolentinmychair，tuckedintoacornerofthewhitedeck，watchingthejade—coloredwaterrushpastbelow，andthesea—gullscirclegaylyoverhead，theSUMMUMBONUMofearthlycontentmentseemsattained。Thebookchosenwithcareremainsuncut；thesenseofphysicalandmentalrestistooexquisitetobebrokenbyanyeffort，eventhereadingofafavoriteauthor。
　　Drowsylapsesintounconsciousnessobscurethesenses，likethetransparentcloudsthatfromtimetotimedimthesunlight。Adistantbellinthewheel—housechimesthelazyhalf—hours。Groupsofpeoplecomeandgolikefiguresonalantern—slide。Acuriouslydetachedreelingmakesthesceneandtheactorsinitasunrealasapaintedshipmannedbyashadowycrew。Theinevitablechildtumblesonitsfaceandispickedupshriekingbytenderparents；energeticyouthsorganizegamesofskillordiscoverwhalesonthehorizon，withoutdisturbingone’sphilosophiccalm。
　　Icongratulatemyselfonhavingchosenaforeignline。Foraweekatleastnofamiliarnamewillbespoken，noaccustomedfaceappear。Thegallingharnessofroutineisloosened；onebreathesfreelyagainconsciousoftheunoccupiedhoursinperspective。
　　Thewelcomesummonstoluncheoncomesasapleasantshock。Isitpossiblethatthemorninghaspassed？Itseemstohavebutcommenced。Irousemyselfanddescendtothecabin。TowardtheendofthemealarubicundFrenchmanoppositemakesthestartlingpropositionthatifIwishtosendamessagehomehewillundertaketohaveitdelivered。ItisnotuntilInoticethelittlesquareofoiledpaperheisholdingouttomethatIunderstandthisreferencetothe"pigeonpost"withwhichtheCompagnieTransatlantiqueisexperimenting。AttheinvitationofthisnewacquaintanceIascendtotheupperdeckandwatchhisbirdsdepart。
　　Thetinybitsofpaperonwhichwehavewritten（post—cardfashion）messageandaddressarerolledtwoorthreetogether，andinsertedintoapieceofquilllessthantwoincheslong，which，however，theydonotentirelyfill。Whileapigeonisheldbyoneman，anotherpushesoneofthebird’stail—
　　featherswellthroughthequill，whichisthenfastenedinitsplacebytwominutewoodenwedges。Amomentlaterthepigeonistossedupintotheair，andwewitnesstheworkingofthatmysteriousinstinctwhichallourmodernscienceleavesunexplained。Afteraturnortwofarupintheclearsky，thebirdgetsitsbearingsanddartsoffonitsfive—hundred—milejourneyacrossunknownseastoanunseenland—avoyagethatnodeviationorloiteringwilllengthen，andonlyfatigueoraccidentinterrupt，untilhealightsathiscote。
　　Fiveofthesewillingmessengerswerestartedthefirstdayout，andfivemorewillleaveto—morrow，poorlittleaerialpostmen，almostpredestinedtodestruction（inthelattercase），forweshallthenbesofarfromlandthattheironechanceoflifeandhomemustdependonfindingsomefriendlymastwhereanhour’srestmaybetakenbeforethebirdstartsagainonhisjourney。
　　Intwoorthreedays，accordingtotheweather，weshallbeginsendingFrenchpigeonsonaheadofustowardHavre。Thegentlemaninchargeofthemtellsmethathiswifereceivedallthemessageshesenttoherduringhiswestwardtrip，thebirdsappearingeachmorningatherwindow（whereshewasinthehabitfeedingthem）withtheirtidingsfrommid—ocean。HealsotellsmethattheFrenchfleetintheMediterraneanrecentlyreceivedmessagesfromtheircomradesintheBalticonthethirddaybythesefeatheredenvoys。
　　Itishopedthatinfutureoceansteamerswillbeabletokeepupcommunicationwiththelandatleastfouroutofthesevendaysoftheirtrips，sothat，incaseofdelayoraccident，theirexactpositionandcircumstancescanbemadeknownatheadquarters。Itisapity，theoriginatoroftheschemeremarked，thatsea—gullsaresuchhopelessvagabonds，fortheycanflymuchgreaterdistancesthanpigeons，andarenotaffectedbydampness，whichseriouslycripplesthepresentmessengers。
　　Laterinthedayacompatriot，inspireddoubtlessbythemorning’sexperiment，confidedtomethathehadhiton"agreatscheme，"whichheintendstodeveloponarriving。HisideaistodomesticatefamiliesofporpoisesatHavreandNewYork，asthatfishpassesforhaving（likethepigeon）thehominginstinct。Shipsprovidedwiththeparentfishcanfreeoneeverytwenty—fourhours，chargedwiththemorning’smail。
　　Theinventorofthisluminousideahasalreadydesignedtheletter—boxesthataretobestrappedonthefishes’backs，anddecidedonaneatuniformforhispostmen。
　　Itisamusingduringthefirstdays"out"towatchthepeoplewhomchancehasthrowntogetherintosuchclosequarters。Theoccultpowerthatimpelsapigeontoseekitskindisfeebleincomparisonwiththefacultythattravellersdevelopunderthesecircumstancesforseekingoutcongenialspirits。Twelvehoursdonotpassbeforeaffinitiesdrawtogether；whatwasapparentlyahomogeneousmasshasbythattimegroupedandarrangeditselfintothreeorfourdistinctcircles。
　　The"sporty"gentlemeninloudclotheshaveunitedinthebondsoffriendshipwiththetravellingagentsandhavechosenthesmoking—roomastheirheadquarters。Nomellowsunsetorserenemoonlightwilltemptthesecomradesfromthesubtletiesofpoker；thepoolontherunistheeventoftheirday。
　　Aportlyprimadonnaisthecentreofanothercircle。Herwraps，herdogs，heradmirers，andherbrand—newhusband（ahandsomeyoungHungarianwithavoiceliketwoBacianbulls）
　　fillthesitting—room，wherethepianogetsbutlittlerest。
　　Neithersunshinenorsoftwindscandrawthemtothedeck。
　　Althoughtooillfortheregularmeals，thisgroupeatanddrinkduringfifteenoutofthetwenty—fourhours。
　　Thedeck，however，isnotdeserted；twofashionabledressmakersrevelthere。ThesesociableladiesaskedtheCOMMISSAIREatthestart"tointroducealltheyoungunmarriedmentothem，"astheywantedtobejolly。Theyhaveanumerouscourtaroundthem，andchampagne，liketheconversation，flowsfreely。Theseladieshavealreadybecomeexpertatshuffleboard，buttheir"sealegs"arenotsogoodasmightbeexpected，andthedamesrequiretobecaughtandsupportedbytheiradmirersateachmomenttopreventthemfromtripping—animmensejoke，tojudgebythepealsoflaughterthatfollow。
　　TheAmericanwifeofaFrenchambassadorsitsonthecaptain’sright。AturnofthediplomaticwheelistakingtheladytoMadrid，whereherpositionwillcallforsupremetactandself—restraint。Onefeelsathrillofnationalprideonlookingatherhigh—bredyoungfaceandlisteningasshechatsinFrenchandSpanish，andwondersoncemoreatthemarvellousfacultyourwomenhaveofadaptingthemselvessograciouslyandsonaturallytodifficultpositions，whichthewomenofothernationsrarelyfillwellunlessborntothepurple。ItisthehighopinionIhaveofmycountrywomenthathasmademecavil，beforenow，onseeingthemturnedintoelaboratelydressednullitiesbyfoolishandtooadoringhusbands。
　　Thevoyageiswearingitselfaway。Sunnydaysaresucceededbygraymornings，asexquisiteintheirway，whenonecanfeeltheshipfightagainstcontendingwindandwave，andshiverundertheblowsreceivedinastrugglewhichdashesthesaltsprayhighoverthedecks。Thereisanaromaintheairthenthatbreathesnewlifeintojadednerves，andstirsthedropofoldNorseblood，dormantinmostAmericanveins，intoquiveringecstasy。Onedreamsofthrowingoffthetrammelsofcivilizedexistenceandreturningtothefreelifeofolderdays。
　　ButhereisHavreglitteringinthedistanceagainstherbackgroundofchalkcliffs。Peoplecomeondeckinstrangelyconventionalclothesandwithdemurecitifiedairs。
　　Passengersofwhoseexistenceyouwereunawaresuddenlymaketheirappearance。Twofriendsmeetnearmeforthefirsttime。"Hallo，Jones！"saysoneofthem，"areyoucrossing？"
　　"Yes，"answersJones，"areyou？"
　　Thecompany’stughascomealongsidebythistime，bringingitsbudgetoflettersandtelegrams。Thebriefholidayisover。Withasighonecomesbacktothepositiveandthepresent，andpatientlyresumestheharnessoflife。
　　Chapter9—"Climbers"inEnglandTHEexpression"LittleEnglander，"muchusedoflatetodesignateaninhabitantoftheMotherIsleincontra—
　　distinctiontoothersubjectsofHerMajesty，expressesneatlythefeelingofourinsularcousinsnotonlyasregardsourselves，butalsothepositionaffectedtowardtheircolonialbrothersandsisters。
　　Haveyouevernoticedthatineverycirclethereissomeindividualassumingtodothingsbetterthanhiscomrades—toknowmore，dressbetter，runfaster，pronouncemorecorrectly？
　　Who，unlesspromptlysuppressed，willturntheconversationintoamonologuerelatingtohisownexploitsandopinions。
　　Todifferistobringdownhiscontemptuponyourdevotedhead！Toargueistimewasted！
　　Humannatureis，however，soconstitutedthatamanofthistypemostlysucceedsinhypnotizinghishearersintosharinghisestimateofhimself，andimpressinguponthemtheconvictionthatheisararebeinginsteadofacommonplacemortal。Heisnotabadsortofpersonatbottom，andreadytodooneafriendlyturn—ifitdoesnotentailtoogreatinconvenience。Inshort，agoodfellow，whoseprincipaldefectistheprofoundconvictionthathewasbornsuperiortotherestofmankind。
　　Whatthisindividualistohisenvironment，Englishmenaretotheworldatlarge。Itisthemisfortune，notthefault，oftherestofthehumanrace，thattheyarenotnativetohisisland；afact，bytheway，whichoutsidersarerarelyallowedtolosesightof，asitentailsabecomingmodestyontheirpart。
　　FewidiosyncrasiesgetmorequicklyonAmericannervesorarefurtherfromourheartyattitudetowardstrangers。AswearefarfromlookinguponwanderingEnglishmenwithsuspicion，ittakesussometimetorealizethatAmericanswhocutawayfromtheircountrymenandsettlefarfromhomeareregardedwithdistrustandreluctantlyreceived。Whenafamilyofthiskindpreparestoliveintheirneighborhood，Britonshaveaformulaofthreequestionstheyaskthemselvesconcerningthenew—
　　comers："Whomdotheyknow？Howmucharetheyworth？"and"Whatamusement（orprofit）arewelikelytogetoutofthem？"
　　Iftheanswertoalloranyofthethreequeriesissatisfactory，mylordmakesthenecessaryadvancesandbecomesanagreeable，ifnotawittyororiginal，companion。
　　Giventhisandanumberofotherpeculiarities，itseemscuriousthatacertainclassofAmericansshouldbesoanxioustoliveinEngland。Whatisittemptsthem？Itcannotbetheclimate，forthatisvile；northecityofLondon，foritisoneoftheugliestinexistence；northeir"cuisine"—foralthoughwearenotgoodcooksourselves，weknowwhatgoodfoodisandcouldgiveBritonspoints。Neithercanitbeart，northeopera，—onefindsbothbetterathomeorontheContinentthaninEngland。Soitmustbesociety，andhereone’swonderdeepens！
　　WhenIhearfriendsjustbackfromastayoverthereenlargingonthecharmsof"countrylife，"oraLondon"season，"Ilookattentivelytoseeiftheyareinearnest，soincomparablydullhaveIalwaysfoundEnglishhousepartiesortownentertainments。Atleastthatsideofsocietywhichtheclimbingstrangermostlyaffects。Othercirclesarecharming，ifabitslow，andthe"Bohemia"andsemi—BohemiaofLondonhaveadelicateflavoroftheirown。
　　Countysociety，thatideallifesoattractivetoAmericanreadersofBritishnovels，is，takenonthewhole，themostinsipidexistenceconceivable。Thewomenlackthesparkleandcharmofours；themen，whoareoutalldayshootingorhuntingaccordingtotheseason，getbacksofaggedthatiftheydonotactuallydropasleepatthedinner—table，theywillnapimmediatelyafter，brighteningonlywhentheladieshaveretired，when，witheveningdresschangedforcomfortablesmokingsuits，thehunterscongregateinthebilliard—roomforcigarsandbrandyandseltzer。
　　AparticularlyagreeableAmericanwoman，whosehusbandinsistsongoingeverywintertoMelton—Mowbrayforthehunting，wasdescribingtheotherdaythelifethereamongthewomen，andexpressingherwonderthatthosewhodidnothuntcouldrefrainfromblowingouttheirbrains，soawfulwasthedulnessandmonotony！Shehadendedbynotdiningoutatall，havingdiscoveredthattheconversationneverbyanychancedeviatedfarfromthekneesofthehorsesandtheheightofthehedges！
　　WhichremindsoneofThackerayrelatinghowhehadlongedtoknowwhatwomentalkedaboutwhentheywerealoneafterdinner，imaginingittobeonmysteriousandthrillingsubjects，untiloneeveningheoverheardsuchaconversationandfounditturnedentirelyonchildrenandailments！Asregardswit，theEnglishareliketheOrientalpotentatewhoataballinEuropeexpressedhisastonishmentthatthegueststookthetroubletodanceandgetthemselveshotanddishevelled，explainingthatintheEasthepaidpeopletodothatforhim。InEngland"amusers"areinvitedexpresslytobefunny；anythingutteredbyoneofthesedelightfulindividualsissuretobereceivedwithmuchlaughter。Itissosimplethatway！Oneispreparedandknowswhentolaugh。
　　Whereasamateurwitisconfusing。WhenanAmericanIknew，turningoverthebooksonadrawing—roomtableandfindingHare’sWALKSINLONDON，intwovolumes，said，"Soyoupartyourhairinthemiddleoverhere，"theremarkwasreceivedinsilence，andwithlooksofpolitesurprise。
　　Itisnotnecessary，however，toaccumulateproofsthatthismuchdescribedsocietyislessintelligentthanourown。
　　Theirauthorshaveacknowledgedit，andwelltheymay。ForfromScottandDickensdowntoHallCaine，AmericanappreciationhasgonefartowardestablishingthereputationofEnglishwritersathome。
　　InspiteoflackofhumorandathousandotherdefectswhichoughttomakeEnglishswelldomantagonistictoourcountrymen，thefactremainsthat"smart"LondontemptsacertainnumberofAmericansandhasbecomeapromisedland，towardwhichtheyturnlongingeyes。Youwillalwaysfindafewofthesevotariesoverthereinthe"season，"strugglingbravelyupthesocialcurrent，makingacquaintances，spendingmoneyatcharitysales，givingdinnersandfetes，takinghousesatAscotandfillingthemwiththeirnewfriends’friends。Withmoreorlesssuccessasthenew—comershavebeenabletoreturnsatisfactoryanswerstothethreeprimaryquestions。
　　WhatAmericansarethese，whoforceustoblushfortheminfinitelymorethanfortheunletteredtouriststrottingconscientiouslyaroundthecountry，doingthesightsandaskingforsoda—waterandbuckwheatcakesatthehotels！
　　Anyonewhohasbeenanobserverofthegenus"Climber"athome，andwonderedattheirwayandcourage，willrecognizetheseambitioussoulsabroad；fiveminutes’conversationisenough。Itisneveraboutaplacethattheytalk，butofthepeopletheyknow。LondontothemisnotthecityofDickens。
　　ItisaplacewhereonemaymeetthePrinceofWalesandperhapsobtainanentranceintohisset。
　　Onedescriptionwillcovermostclimbers。Theyare，asarule，peoplewhostarthumblyinsomesmallcity，thenwhenfortunecomes，pushontoNewYorkandNewport，wheretheycarryallbeforethemandmaketheirhousescentresandthemselvespowers。Nextcomesthediscoverythatthecircleintowhichtheyhaveforcedtheirwayisnotnearlyasattractiveasitappearedfromadistance。Consequentlythatvaguedisappointmentisfeltwhichmostofusexperienceonattainingalongdesiredgoal—theunsatisfactorinessofsuccess！MuchthesamesensationascausedpoorDuMauriertoanswer，whenaskedshortlybeforehisdeathwhyhelookedsoglum，"I’msouredbysuccess！"
　　Sotrueisthisofallhumannaturethatthefollowingrecipemightbegivenfortheattainmentofperfecthappiness："Beginfardowninanywalkoflife。Risebyyoureffortshighereachyear，andthenbecarefultodiebeforediscoveringthatthereisnothingatthetop。Theexcitementofthestruggle—
　　`theraptureofthechase’—aregreaterjoysthanachievement。"
　　Ourambitiousfriendsnaturallyignorethisbitofphilosophy。
　　Whenitisdiscoveredthatthe"world"athomehasgivenbutanunsatisfactoryreturnforcashandconniving，itoccurstothemthatthefaultliesinthecircle，andtheyassumethattheirparticulartalentsrequirealargerfield。Havingconqueredallinsight，thesesocialAlexanderspineforanewworld，whichgenerallyturnsouttobethe"Old，"soacrossingismade，andthe"ConquestofEngland"begunwithalltheenthusiasmandpushemployedonstartingoutfromthelittlenativecitytwentyyearsbefore。
　　ItisinVictoria’srealmthatfoemenworthyoftheirsteelawaittheconquerors。Homesocietywasatooeasyprey，openingitsdoorsandlayingdownitsarmsatthefirstsummons。InEnglandthenew—comersfindthattheirlittlegamehasbeenplayedbefore；and，well，whattheyimaginedwasadiscoveryprovestobealong—studiedsciencewith"DONNANT！
　　DONNANT！"asitsfundamentallaw。Wilyopponentswithtrumpcardsintheirhandsandaprofoundknowledgeof"Hoyle"
　　smilinglyofferthemseats。Havingacquiredinahomegameaknowledgeof"bluff，"ourfriendsplungewithdelightintothefray，onlytofindEnglishsocietysoformedthat，climbtheyneversowisely，thetopcanneverbereached。Workashardastheymay，succeedevenbeyondtheirfondesthopes，therewillalwaysremaincirclesabove，towardwhichtoyearn—
　　peoplewhowillrefusetoknowthem，housestheywillneverbeinvitedtoenter。Thinkofthecharm，theattractionsuchacivilizationmusthavefortherealbornclimber，andyou，myreader，willunderstandwhycertainofourcompatriotsenjoylivinginEngland，andwhywhenoncetheintoxicatingdraught（suppliedtotheambitiousontheotherside）hasbeentasted，allhomeconcoctionsproveinsipid。
　　Chapter10—CALVEatCabrieresWHILEIwasmakinga"cure"lastyearatLamalou，anobscureSpaintheCevennesMountains，MadameCalve，towhomIhadexpressedadesiretoseeherpicturesquehome，telegraphedaninvitationtopassthedaywithher，namingthetrainshecouldmeet，whichwouldallowforthelongdrivetoherchateaubeforeluncheon。Itisneedlesstosaytheinvitationwasaccepted。Asmytraindrewupatthelittlestation，MadameCalve，inhertrap，wasthefirstpersonIsaw，andnotimewaslostingettingENROUTE。
　　Duringthehourpassedonthepoplar—borderedroadthatleadsstraightandwhiteacrossthecountryIhadtimetoappreciatethetransformationinthewomanatmyside。Wasthisgray—
　　clad，nunlikefigurethepassionate，sensuousCarmenofBizet’smasterpiece？Couldthatcalm，paleface，crossedbyinnumerablelinesofsuffering，asaspider’swebliesonaflower，blazeandpantwithSappho’sguiltylove？
　　Somethingofthesethoughtsmusthaveappearedonmyface，forturningwithasmile，sheasked，"Youfindmechanged？It’stheairofmyvillage。HereI’mmyself。EverywhereelseI’mdifferent。OnthestageIamanypartImaybeplaying，butamneverreallyhappyawayfrommyhillthere。"Asshespoke，asun—bakedhamletcameinsight，huddledaroundthebaseoftwotalltowersthatrosecoolandgrayinthenoondayheat。
　　"Allthatwing，"sheadded，"isarrangedfortheconvalescentgirlswhomIhavesentdowntomefromtheParishospitalsforacureoffreshairandsimplefood。Sixyearsago，justafterIhadboughtthisplace，aseriesofoperationsbecamenecessarywhichleftmeprostratedandanaemic。Notonicswereofbenefit。Igrewweakerdaybyday，untilthedoctorsbegantodespairofmylife。Finally，attheadviceofanoldwomanherewhopassesforbeingsomethingofacurer，Itriedtheexperimentorlyingfiveorsixhoursadaymotionlessinthesunlight。Itwasn’tlongbeforeIfeltlifecreepingbacktomypoorfeeblebody。Thehotsunofourmagicsouthwasamoresubtletonicthananydrug。Whenthecurewascomplete，Imadeupmymindthateachsummerthesamechanceshouldbeofferedtoasmanyofmysufferingsistersasthisoldplacecouldbemadetoaccommodate。"
　　ThebellsontheshaggyTarbesponiesshewasdrivingalongtheLanguedocroaddrew，onnearingherresidence，anumberofpeasantchildrenfromtheirplay。
　　Astheruddyurchinsranshoutingaroundourcarriagewheelsandscrambledinthedustforthesouswethrewthem，myhostesspointedlaughingtoascrubbylittlegirlwithtomato—
　　coloredcheeksandtousleddarkhair，remarking，"Ilookedlikethattwentyyearsagoandperformedjustthoseanticsonthisveryroad。Nopunishmentwouldkeepmeoffthehighway。
　　Thosepennies，ifI’mnotmistaken，willallbespentatthevillagepastrycook’swithinanhour。"
　　Thiswassaidwithsuchatenderglanceatthechildrenthatonerealizedthegreatartistwasathomehere，surroundedbythepeopleshelovedandunderstood。Truetothe"homing"
　　instinctoftheFrenchpeasant，MadameCalve，whenfortunecametoher，boughtandpartiallyrestoredtheramblingchateauwhichatsunsetcastsitsshadowacrossthevillageofherbirth。SincethatdayeverymomentoffreedomfromprofessionallaborandeverypennyofherlargeincomearespentatCabrieres，building，planning，evenfarming，whenherhealthpermits。
　　"Ithink，"shecontinued，asweapproachedthechateau，"thatthehappiestdayofmylife—andIhave，asyouknow，passedsomehoursworthliving，bothonandoffthestage—waswhen，thatwingcompleted，aParistrainbroughtthefirstoccupantsformytwentylittlebedrooms；nowordscantellthedelightitgivesmenowtoseethecolorcomingbacktomypatients’
　　palelipsandhearthemlaughingandsingingabouttheplace。
　　AsIamalwaysshortoffunds，theideaofabandoningthisworkistheonlyfearthefutureholdsforme。"
　　Withthevivacitypeculiartohercharacter，mycompanionthenwhippeduphercobsandturnedtheconversationintogayerchannels。Fiveminuteslaterweclatteredoveradrawbridgeanddrewupinaroomycourtyard，halfblindingsunlightandhalfblueshadow，whereascoreofgirlswereoccupiedwithbooksandsewing。
　　Theluncheonbellwasringingasweascendedtheterracesteps。Afterahurriedfiveminutesforbrushingandwashing，wetookourplacesatalongtablesetinthecoolstonehall，guestsstoppinginthechateauoccupyingoneendaroundthechatelaine，theconvalescentsfillingtheotherseats。
　　ThosewhohaveonlyseenthecapriciousdivaonthestageorinParisiansalonscanformlittleideaoftheproprietressofCabrieres。Noshadeofcoquetryblurstheclearpictureofherhomelife。Thecappedandsabotedpeasantwomenwhowaitedonuswerenotmoresimpleintheirways。Severaltimesduringthemealsheleftherseattoinquireafterthecomfortofsomeinvalidgirlorinspectthecookingintheadjacentkitchen。Thesewanderingswerenot，however，allowedtodisturbtheconversation，whichflowedonafterthemellowFrenchfashion，enlivenedbymuchwitandgaybadinage。Oneofourhostess’sanecdotesatherownexpensewasespeciallyamusing。
　　"WheninVenice，"shetoldus，"mostprimadonnasarecarriedtoandfromtheoperainsedanchairstoavoidtheriskofcoldsfromthedraughtygondolas。Thelastnightofmyinitialseasonthere，Iwasinformed，asthecurtainfell，thatanumberofVenetiannobleswereplanningtocarrymeintriumphtothehotel。WhenIdescendedfrommydressing—roomthecourtyardofthetheatrewasfilledwithmenindressclothes，bearinglanterns，whocaughtupthechairassoonasIwasseatedandcarrieditnoisilyacrossthecitytothehotel。Muchmovedbythisunusualhonor，Imountedtothebalconyofmyroom，fromwhichelevationIbowedmythanks，andthrewalltheflowersathandtomyescort。
　　"Nextmorningthehotelproprietorappearedwithmycoffee，andafterhesitatingamoment，remarked：`Well，wemadeasuccessofitlastnight。IthasbeentelegraphedtoallthecapitalsofEurope！Ihopeyouwillnotthinkathousandfrancstoomuch，consideringtheadvertisement！’Inblankamazement，Iaskedwhathemeant。`Imeanthetriumphalprogress，’heanswered。`Ithoughtyouunderstood！Wealwaysorganizeoneforthe"stars"whovisitVenice。Themenwhocarriedyourchairlastnightwerethewaitersfromthehotels。Wehirethemonaccountoftheirdressclothes’！
　　Thinkofthedisillusion，"addedCalve，laughing，"andmydisgust，whenIthoughtofmyselfnaivelythrowingkissesandflowerstoagroupofSwissgarconsatfifteenfrancsahead。
　　Therewasnothingtodo，however，butpaythebillandswallowmychagrin！"
　　Howmanyprettywomendoyousupposewouldtellsuchajokeuponthemselves？Anotherstoryshetoldusischaracteristicofherpeasantneighbors。
　　"WhenIcamebackhereaftermyfirstseasoninSt。PetersburgandLondontheCURErequestedmetosingatourlocalfete。I
　　gladlyconsented，and，standingbyhissideonthestepsoftheMAIRIE，gavethegreatariafromtheHUGUENOTSinmybestmanner。Tomyastonishmenttheperformancewasreceivedincompletesilence。`PoorCalve，’Iheardanoldfriendofmymother’smurmur。`Hervoiceusedtobesonice，andnowit’sallgone！’Takinginthesituationataglance，Ithrewmyvoicewellupintomynoseandstartedoffonawell—knownprovincialsong，intheshrillfalsettoofourpeasantwomen。
　　Theeffectwasinstantaneous！Longbeforetheendtheperformancewasdrownedinthundersofapplause。Whichprovesthattobepopularasingermustadaptherselftoheraudience。"
　　Luncheonover，werepairedforcigarettesandcoffeetoanupperroom，whereCalvewasgivingDagnan—Bouveretsomesittingsforaportrait，andlingeredthereuntilfouro’clock，whenourhostessleftusforhersiesta，anda"break"tookthosewhocaredfortheexcursionacrossthevalleytoinspecttheruinsofaRomanbath。Alatedinnerbroughtustogetheragaininasmalldiningroom，theconvalescentshavingeatentheirsimplemealanddisappearedanhourbefore。Duringthistime，anothertransformationhadtakenplaceinourmercurialhostess！ItwastheCalveofParis，Calvethewitch，CalvetheCAPITEUSE，whopresidedatthedainty，flower—deckedtableandledthelaughingconversation。
　　Afewnotesstruckonaguitarbyoneoftheparty，aswesatanhourlateronthemoonlitterrace，wereenoughtostartofftheversatileartist，whowasinhergayesthumor。Shesangusstraybitsofopera，alternatinghermusicwithscenesburlesquedfromrecentplays。Nooneescapedherinimitablemimicry，noteventhe"divineSarah，"CalvegivingusanunpayableimpersonationoftheelderlyTRAGEDIENNEasLorenzaccio，theboyheroofAlfreddeMusset’sdrama。
　　BurlesquingledtoherdancingsomeSpanishstepswithanabandonneverattemptedonthestage！WhichinturngaveplacetoanimitationofanAmericanwhistlinganairfromCARMEN，andsome"coonsongs"shehadpickedupduringherstayatNewYork。They，again，weresucceededbyasuperbrenderingoftheimprecationfromRacine’sCAMILLE，whichmadeheraudiencerealizethatingainingasopranotheworldhaslost，perhaps，itsgreatestTRAGEDIENNE。
　　Ateleveno’clocktheclatterofhoofsinthecourtwarnedusthatthepleasanteveninghadcometoanend。AjournalistEN
　　ROUTEforPariswassooninstalledwithmeinthelittleomnibusthatwastotakeustothestation，Calveherselflightingourcigarsandprovidingthewrapsthatweretokeepoutthecoolnightair。
　　Aswepassedunderthelowarchwayoftheentranceamidaclamorof"adieu"and"aurevoir，"theyoungFrenchmanatmysidepointeduptoarowofclosedwindowsoverhead。"Isn’titalesson，"hesaid，"forallofus，tothinkoftheoccupantsofthoselittlerooms，whomthegenerosityandcareofthatgraciousartistareleaningbysuchpleasantpathsbacktohealthandcouragefortheirtoilsomelives？"
　　Chapter11—ACryForFreshAir"ONCEuponatime，"readsthefamiliarnurserytale，whilethefairies，invitedbyakingandqueentothechristeningoftheirdaughter，wereshoweringgoodgiftsonthebabyprincess，adisgruntledoldwitch，whomnoonehadthoughtofaskingtotheceremony，appeareduninvitedonthesceneandrevengedherselfbydecreeingthatthepresentsofthegoodfairies，insteadofprovingbeneficial，shouldbringonlytroubleandembarrassmenttotheroyalinfant。
　　Atellinganalogymightbedrawnbetweenthatunhappyprincessoverwhosefatesomanyyouthfultearshavebeenshed，andtheconditionofourinvention—riddencountry；forweseeeverydayhowthegoodgiftsofthosenineteenthcenturyfairies，ScienceandIndustry，insteadofprovingblessingstomankind，arebeingturnedbyignoranceandstupidityintoveritableafflictions。
　　IfapropheticgentlemanhadtoldLouisFourteenth’sshiveringcourtiers—whomanironetiquetteforcedonwintermorningsintothe（appropriatelynamed）GaleriedesGlaces，stampingtheirsilk—cladfeetandblowingontheirbluefingers，untilthekingshouldappear—thatwithinacenturyandahalfonesimplediscoverywouldenableallclassesofpeopletokeeptheirshopsanddwellingsatasummertemperaturethroughtheseverestwinters，thehalf—frozennobleswouldhavefloutedthesuggestionasan"iridescentdream，"asortoftoo—good—
　　to—be—trueprophecy。
　　Whatwastothosenoblemenanunheard—ofluxuryhasbecomewithinthelastdecadeoneoftheprimarynecessitiesofourlife。
　　Thequestionarisesnow：Arewegainersbythechange？Hastheindiscriminateuseofheatbeenofadvantage，eithermentallyorphysically，tothenation？
　　Theincubusofcaloricthatsitsonourgaspingcountryisparticularlypainfulatthisseason，whennatureundertakestodoherownheating。
　　Inotherless—favoredlands，thefirstspringdays，theexquisiteawakeningoftheworldafteralongwinter，bringtotheinhabitantsasensationofjoyandrenewedvitality。We，however，havediscountedthatenjoyment。Delicategradationsoftemperaturearelostonpeoplewhohavebeenstewingforsixmonthsinamixtureofsteamandtwice—breathedair。
　　WhatpleasurecananearlyAprildayaffordthemanwhohassleptinanover—heatedflatandishurryingtoanofficewhereeightydegreesistheaveragealltheyearround？Orthepaleshop—girl，whocomplainsifabreathofmorningairstraysintothesuburbantrainwheresheisseated？
　　Aspeoplewhohabituallyusesuch"relishes"asChutneyandWorcestershireareincapableofappreciatingdelicatelypreparedfood，sothe"soft"mortalswhohaveaccustomedthemselvestoaperpetualAugustareinsensibletofineshadingsoftemperature。
　　TheotherdayIwentwithafriendtoinspectsomeroomshehadbeendecoratinginoneofourpublicschools。Themorninghadbeenfrosty，butbyeleveno’clockthesunwarmedtheairuncomfortably。Onenteringtheschoolweweremetbyablastofheatedairthatwaspositivelystaggering。Intherecitationrooms，where，asinallNewYorkschoolrooms，thechildrenwerepackedlikedominoesinabox，thetemperaturecouldnothavebeenundereighty—five。
　　Thepale，spectacledspinsterincharge，towhomwecomplainedofthis，wasastonishedandoffendedatwhatsheconsideredourinterference，andansweredthat"thechildrenlikeditwarm，"asforherselfshe"hadacoldandcouldnotthinkofopeningawindow。"Iftheroomsweretoowarmitwasthejanitor’sfault，andhehadgoneout！
　　Twelveo’clockstruckbeforewehadfinishedourtourofinspection。Itistobedoubtedifanywhereelseintheworldcouldtherebefoundsuchaprocessionofpasty—faced，dull—
　　eyedyoungstersastroopedpastusdownthestairs。Theirappearancewasthenaturalresultofcompellingchildrendressedforwinterweathertositmanyhourseachdayinhothouses，moresuitedtotropicalplantsthantogrowinghumanbeings。