Shemusedawhile,lookingoutwithfixedeyes。
"Thatiswhythebellrangsocheerfully,"shesaid。"Whentheolddieitiswell;theyhavehadtheirtime。Itiswhentheyoungdiethatthebellsweepdropsofblood。"
"Buttheoldlovelife?"hesaid;foritwassweettohearherspeak。
Sheraisedherselfonherelbow。
"Theylovelife,theydonotwanttodie,"sheanswered,"butwhatofthat?
Theyhavehadtheirtime。Theyknewthataman’slifeisthree—scoreyearsandten;theyshouldhavemadetheirplansaccordingly!
"Buttheyoung,"shesaid,"theyoung,cutdown,cruelly,whentheyhavenotseen,whentheyhavenotknown——whentheyhavenotfound——itisforthemthatthebellsweepblood。Iheardintheringingitwasanoldman。
Whentheolddie——Listentothebell!itislaughing——’Itisright,itisright;hehashadhistime。’Theycannotringsofortheyoung。"
Shefellbackexhausted;thehotlightdiedfromhereyes,andshelaylookingoutintothestreet。Byandbystragglersfromthefuneralbegantocomebackanddisappearhereandthereamongthehouses;thenallwasquiet,andthenightbegantosettledownuponthevillagestreet。
Afterward,whentheroomwasalmostdark,sothattheycouldnotseeeachother’sfaces,shesaid,"Itwillraintonight;"andmovedrestlesslyonthepillows。"Howterriblewhentherainfallsdownonyou。"
Hewonderedwhatshemeant,andtheysatoninthestilldarkeningroom。
Shemovedagain。
"Willyoupresentlytakemycloak——andnewgreycloakfrombehindthedoor—
—andgooutwithit。Youwillfindalittlegraveatthefootofthetallgum—tree;thewaterdripsoffthelong,pointedleaves;youmustcoveritupwiththat。"
Shemovedrestlesslyasthoughinpain。
Gregoryassented,andtherewassilenceagain。Itwasthefirsttimeshehadeverspokenofherchild。
"Itwassosmall,"shesaid;"itlivedsuchalittlewhile——onlythreehours。Theylaiditclosebyme,butIneversawit;Icouldfeelitbyme。"Shewaited;"itsfeetweresocold;Itooktheminmyhandtomakethemwarm,andmyhandclosedrightoverthemtheyweresolittle。"Therewasanuneventremblinginthevoice。"Itcreptclosetome;itwantedtodrink,itwantedtobewarm。"Shehardenedherself——"Ididnotloveit;
itsfatherwasnotmyprince;Ididnotcareforit;butitwassolittle。"
Shemovedherhand。"Theymighthavekissedit,oneofthem,beforetheyputitin。Itneverdidanyoneanyharminallitslittlelife。Theymighthavekissedit,oneofthem。"
Gregoryfeltthatsomeonewassobbingintheroom。
Lateonintheevening,whentheshutterwasclosedandthelamplighted,andtherain—dropsbeatontheroof,hetookthecloakfrombehindthedoorandwentawaywithit。Onhiswaybackhecalledatthevillagepost—
officeandbroughtbackaletter。Inthehallhestoodreadingtheaddress。Howcouldhefailtoknowwhosehandhadwrittenit?Hadhenotlongagostudiedthosecharactersonthetornfragmentsofpaperintheoldparlour?AburningpainwasatGregory’sheart。Ifnow,nowatthelast,oneshouldcome,shouldstepinbetween!Hecarriedtheletterintothebedroomandgaveittoher。"Bringmethelampnearer,"shesaid。Whenshehadreaditsheaskedforherdesk。
ThenGregorysatdowninthelamp—lightontheothersideofthecurtain,andheardthepencilmoveonthepaper。Whenhelookedroundthecurtainshewaslyingonthepillowmusing。Theopenletterlayatherside;sheglancedatitwithsofteyes。Themanwiththelanguideyelidsmusthavebeenstrangelymovedbeforehishandsetdownthosewords:
"Letmecomebacktoyou!Mydarling,letmeputmyhandroundyou,andguardyoufromalltheworld。Asmywifetheyshallnevertouchyou。I
havelearnttoloveyoumorewisely,moretenderly,thanofold;youshallhaveperfectfreedom。Lyndall,grandlittlewoman,foryourownsakebemywife!
"Whydidyousendthatmoneybacktome?Youarecrueltome;itisnotrightlydone。"
Sherolledthelittleredpencilsoftlybetweenherfingers,andherfacegrewverysoft。Yet:
"Itcannotbe,"shewrote;"Ithankyoumuchfortheloveyouhaveshownme;butIcannotlisten。Youwillcallmemad,foolish——theworldwoulddoso;butIknowwhatIneedandthekindofpathImustwalkin。Icannotmarryyou。Iwillalwaysloveyouforthesakeofwhatlaybymethosethreehours;butthereitends。Imustknowandsee,IcannotbeboundtoonewhomIloveasIloveyou。Iamnotafraidoftheworld——Iwillfighttheworld。Oneday——perhapsitmaybefaroff——IshallfindwhatIhavewantedallmylife;somethingnobler,strongerthanI,beforewhichIcankneeldown。Youlosenothingbynothavingmenow;Iamaweak,selfish,erringwoman。OnedayIshallfindsomethingtoworship,andthenIshallbe——"
"Nurse,"shesaid;"takemydeskaway;Iamsuddenlysosleepy;Iwillwritemoretomorrow。"Sheturnedherfacetothepillow;itwasthesuddendrowsinessofgreatweakness。Shehaddroppedasleepinamoment,andGregorymovedthedesksoftly,andthensatinthechairwatching。Hourafterhourpassed,buthehadnowishforrest,andsaton,hearingtheraincease,andthestillnightsettledowneverywhere。Ataquarter—pasttwelveherose,andtookalastlookatthebedwhereshelaysleepingsopeacefully;thenheturnedtogotohiscouch。Beforehehadreachedthedoorshehadstartedupandwascallinghimback。
"Youaresureyouhaveputitup?"shesaid,withalookofblankterroratthewindow。"Itwillnotfallopeninthenight,theshutter——youaresure?"
Hecomfortedher。Yes,itwastightlyfastened。
"Evenifitisshut,"shesaid,inawhisper,"youcannotkeepitout!Youfeelitcominginatfouro’clock,creeping,creeping,up,up;deadlycold!"Sheshuddered。
Hethoughtshewaswandering,andlaidherlittletremblingbodydownamongtheblankets。
"Idreamedjustnowthatitwasnotputup,"shesaid,lookingintohiseyes;"anditcreptrightinandIwasalonewithit。"
"Whatdoyoufear?"heasked,tenderly。
"TheGreyDawn,"shesaid,glancingroundatthewindow。"Iwasneverafraidofanything,never,whenIwasalittlechild,butIhavealwaysbeenafraidofthat。Youwillnotletitcomeintome?"
"No,no;Iwillstaywithyou,"hecontinued。
Butshewasgrowingcalmer。"No,youmustgotobed。Ionlyawokewithastart;youmustbetired。Iamchildish,thatisall;"butsheshiveredagain。
Hesatdownbesideher,aftersometimeshesaid:"Willyounotrubmyfeet?"
Hekneltdownatthefootofthebedandtookthetinyfootinhishand;itwasswollenandunsightlynow,butashetouchedithebentdownandcovereditwithkisses。
"Itmakesitbetterwhenyoukissit;thankyou。Whatmakesyoualllovemeso?"Thendreamilyshemutteredtoherself:"Notutterlybad,notquitebad——whatmakesthemalllovemeso?"
Kneelingthere,rubbingsoftly,withhischeekpressedagainstthelittlefoot,Gregorydroppedtosleepatlast。Howlongheknelttherehecouldnottell;butwhenhestartedupawakeshewasnotlookingathim。Theeyeswerefixedonthefarcorner,gazingwideandintent,withanunearthlylight。
Helookedroundfearfully。Whatdidsheseethere?God’sangelscometocallher?Somethingfearful?Hesawonlythepurplecurtainwiththeshadowsthatfellfromit。Softlyhewhispered,askingwhatshesawthere。
Andshesaid,inavoicestrangelyunlikeherown:"Iseethevisionofapoor,weaksoulstrivingaftergood。Itwasnotcutshort,andintheenditlearnt,throughtearsandmuchpain,thatholinessisaninfinitecompassionforothers;thatgreatnessistotakethecommonthingsoflifeandwalktrulyamongthem;that"——Shemovedherwhitehandandlaiditonherforehead——"happinessisagreatloveandmuchserving。Itwasnotcutshort;anditlovedwhatithadlearnt——itloved——and——"
Wasthatallshesawinthecorner?
Gregorytoldthelandladythenextmorningthatshehadbeenwanderingallnight。Yet,whenhecameintogiveherherbreakfast,shewassittingupagainstthepillows,lookingashehadnotseenherlookbefore。
"Putitclosetome,"shesaid,"andwhenIhavehadbreakfastIamgoingtodress。"
Shefinishedallhehadbroughthereagerly。
"Iamsittingupquitebymyself,"shesaid。"Givemehismeat;"andshefedthedogherself,cuttinghisfoodsmallforhim。Shemovedtothesideofthebed。
"Nowbringthechairnearanddressme。Itisbeinginthisroomsolong,andlookingatthatmiserablelittlebitofsunshinethatcomesinthroughtheshutter,thatismakingmesoill。Alwaysthatlion’spaw!"shesaid,withalookofdisgustatit。"Comeanddressme。"Gregorykneltonthefloorbeforeher,andtriedtodrawononestocking,butthelittleswollenfootrefusedtobecovered。
"ItisveryfunnythatIshouldhavegrownsofatsinceIhavebeensoill,"shesaid,peeringdowncuriously。"Perhapsitiswantofexercise。"
Shelookedtroubledandsaidagain,"Perhapsitiswantofexercise。"ShewantedGregorytosaysotoo。Butheonlyfoundalargerpair;andthentriedtoforcetheshoes,oh,sotenderly,ontoherlittlefeet。
"There,"shesaid,lookingdownatthemwhentheywereon,withthedelightofasmallchildoveritsfirstshoes,"Icouldwalkfarnow。Howniceitlooks!"
"No,"shesaid,seeingthesoftgownhehadpreparedforher,"Iwillnotputthaton。Getoneofmywhitedresses——theonewiththepinkbows。I
donotevenwanttothinkIhavebeenill。Itisthinkingandthinkingofthingsthatmakesthemreal,"shesaid。"Whenyoudrawyourmindtogether,andresolvethatathingshallnotbe,itgiveswaybeforeyou;itisnot。
Everythingispossibleifoneisresolved,"shesaid。Shedrewinherlittlelipstogether,andGregoryobeyedher;shewassosmallandslightnowitwaslikedressingasmalldoll。Hewouldhaveliftedherdownfromthebedwhenhehadfinished,butshepushedhimfromher,laughingverysoftly。Itwasthefirsttimeshehadlaughedinthoselong,drearymonths。
"No,no;Icangetdownmyself,"shesaid,slippingcautiouslyontothefloor。"Yousee!"Shecastadefiantglanceoftriumphwhenshestoodthere。"Holdthecurtainuphigh,Iwanttolookatmyself。"
Heraisedit,andstoodholdingit。Shelookedintotheglassontheoppositewall。
Suchaqueenlylittlefigureinitspinkandwhite。Suchatransparentlittleface,refinedbysufferingintoanalmostangel—likebeauty。Thefacelookedather;shelookedback,laughingsoftly。Doss,quiveringwithexcitement,ranroundher,barking。Shetookonesteptowardthedoor,balancingherselfwithoutstretchedhands。
"Iamnearlythere,"shesaid。
Thenshegropedblindly。
"Oh,Icannotsee!Icannotsee!WhereamI?"shecried。
WhenGregoryreachedhershehadfallenwithherfaceagainstthesharpfootofthewardrobeandcutherforehead。Verytenderlyheraisedthelittlecrushedheapofmuslinandribbons,andlaiditonthebed。Dossclimbedup,andsatlookingdownatit。VerysoftlyGregory’shandsdisrobedher。
"Youwillbestrongertomorrow,andthenweshalltryagain,"hesaid,butsheneitherlookedathimnorstirred。
Whenhehadundressedher,andlaidherinbed,Dossstretchedhimselfacrossherfeetandlaywhiningsoftly。
Soshelayallthatmorning,andallthatafternoon。
AgainandagainGregorycreptclosetothebedsideandlookedather;butshedidnotspeaktohim。Wasitstupororwasitsleepthatshoneunderthosehalf—closedeyelids。Gregorycouldnottell。
Atlastintheeveninghebentoverher。
"Theoxenhavecome,"hesaid;"wecanstarttomorrowifyoulike。ShallI
getthewagonreadytonight?"
Twiceherepeatedhisquestion。Thenshelookedupathim,andGregorysawthatallhopehaddiedoutofthebeautifuleyes。Itwasnotstuporthatshonethere,itwasdespair。
"Yes,letusgo,"shesaid。
"Itmakesnodifference,"saidthedoctor;"stayingorgoing;itisclosenow。"
SothenextdayGregorycarriedheroutinhisarmstothewagonwhichstoodinspannedbeforethedoor。Ashelaidherdownonthekartelshelookedfaroutacrosstheplain。Forthefirsttimeshespokethatday。
"Thatbluemountain,faraway;letusstopwhenwegettoit,notbefore。"
Sheclosedhereyesagain。Hedrewthesailsdownbeforeandbehind,andthewagonrolledawayslowly。Thelandladyandtheniggersstoodtowatchitfromthestoep。
Verysilentlythegreatwagonrolledalongthegrass—coveredplain。Thedriveronthefrontboxdidnotclaphiswhiporcalltohisoxen,andGregorysatbesidehimwithfoldedarms。Behindthem,intheclosedwagon,shelaywiththedogatherfeet,veryquiet,withfoldedhands。He,Gregory,darednotbeinthere。LikeHagar,whenshelaidhertreasuredowninthewilderness,hesatafaroff:——"ForHagarsaid,Letmenotseethedeathofthechild。"
Eveningcame,andyetthebluemountainwasnotreached,andallthenextdaytheyrodeonslowly,butstillitwasfaroff。Onlyateveningtheyreachedit;notbluenow,butlowandbrown,coveredwithlongwavinggrassesandroughstones。Theydrewthewagonupclosetoitsfootforthenight。Itwasasheltered,warmspot。
Whenthedarknighthadcome,whenthetiredoxenweretiedtothewheels,andthedriverandleaderhadrolledthemselvesintheirblanketsbeforethefire,andgonetosleep,thenGregoryfasteneddownthesailsofthewagonsecurely。Hefixedalongcandleneartheheadofthebed,andlaydownhimselfonthefloorofthewagonneartheback。Heleanedhisheadagainstthekartel,andlistenedtothechewingofthetiredoxen,andtothecracklingofthefire,till,overpoweredbyweariness,hefellintoaheavysleep。Thenallwasverystillinthewagon。Thedogsleptonhismistress’feet,andonlytwomosquitoes,creepinginthroughagapinthefrontsail,buzzeddrearilyround。
Thenightwasgrownveryoldwhenfromalong,peacefulsleepLyndallawoke。Thecandleburntatherhead,thedoglayonherfeet;butheshivered;itseemedasthoughacoldnessstruckuptohimfromhisresting—
place。Shelaywithfoldedhands,lookingupward;andsheheardtheoxenchewing,andshesawthetwomosquitoesbuzzingdrearilyroundandround,andherthoughts——herthoughtsranfarbackintothepast。
Throughthesemonthsofanguishamisthadrestedonhermind;itwasrolledtogethernow,andtheoldclearintellectawokefromitslongtorpor。Itlookedbackintothepast,itsawthepresent;therewasnofuturenow。Theoldstrongsoulgathereditselftogetherforthelasttime;itknewwhereitstood。
Slowlyraisingherselfonherelbow,shetookfromthesailaglassthathungpinnedthere。Herfingerswerestiffandcold。Sheputthepillowonherbreast,andstoodtheglassagainstit。Thenthewhitefaceonthepillowlookedintothewhitefaceintheglass。Theyhadlookedateachotheroftensobefore。Ithadbeenachild’sfaceonce,lookingoutaboveitsbluepinafore;ithadbeenawoman’sface,withadimshadowintheeyes,andasomethingwhichhadsaid,"Wearenotafraid,youandI;wearetogether;wewillfight,youandI。"Nowtonightithadcometothis。
Thedyingeyesonthepillowlookedintothedyingeyesintheglass;theyknewthattheirhourhadcome。Sheraisedonehandandpressedthestifffingersagainsttheglass。Theyweregrowingverystiff。Shetriedtospeaktoit,butshewouldneverspeakagain。Onlythewonderfulyearninglightwasintheeyesstill。Thebodywasdeadnow,butthesoul,clearandunclouded,lookedforth。
Thenslowly,withoutasound,thebeautifuleyesclosed。Thedeadfacethattheglassreflectedwasathingofmarvelousbeautyandtranquillity。
TheGreyDawncreptinoveritandsawitlyingthere。
Hadshefoundwhatshesoughtfor——somethingtoworship?Hadsheceasedfrombeing?Whoshalltellus?ThereisaveilofterriblemistoverthefaceoftheHereafter。
Chapter2。XIII。Dreams。
"Tellmewhatasouldesires,andIwilltellyouwhatitis。"Sorunsthephrase。
"Tellmewhatamandreams,andIwilltellyouwhatheloves。"Thatalsohasitstruth。
For,everfromtheearliestchildhoodtothelatestage,daybyday,andstepbystep,thebusywakinglifeisfollowedandreflectedbythelifeofdreams——wakingdreams,sleepingdreams。Weird,misty,anddistortedastheinvertedimageofamirage,orafigureseenthroughthemountainmist,theyarestillthereflectionsofareality。
OnthenightwhenGregorytoldhisstoryWaldosatalonebeforethefire,hisuntastedsupperbeforehim。Hewaswearyafterhisday’swork——toowearytoeat。HeputtheplatedownonthefloorforDoss,wholickeditclean,andthenwentbacktohiscorner。Afteratimethemasterthrewhimselfacrossthefootofthebedwithoutundressing,andfellasleepthere。Hesleptsolongthatthecandleburntitselfout,andtheroomwasindarkness。Buthedreamedalovelydreamashelaythere。
Inhisdream,tohisrightrosehighmountains,theirtopscrownedwithsnow,theirsidesclothedwithbushandbathedinthesunshine。Attheirfeetwasthesea,blueandbreezy,bluerthananyearthlysea,liketheseahehaddreamedofinhisboyhood。Inthenarrowforestthatranbetweenthemountainsandtheseatheairwasrichthatthescentofthehoney—
creeperthathungfromdarkgreenbushes,andthroughthevelvetygrasslittlestreamsranpurlingdownintothesea。
Hesatonahighsquarerockamongthebushes,andLyndallsatbyhimandsangtohim。Shewasonlyasmallchild,withabluepinafore,andagrave,grave,littleface。Hewaslookingupatthemountains,thensuddenlywhenhelookedroundshewasgone。Heslippeddownfromhisrock,andwenttolookforher,buthefoundonlyherlittlefootmarks;hefoundthemonthebrightgreengrass,andinthemoistsand,andtherewherethelittlestreamsranpurlingdownintothesea。Inandout,inandout,andamongthebusheswherethehoney—creeperhung,hewentlookingforher。Atlast,faroff,inthesunshine,hesawhergatheringshellsuponthesand。
Shewasnotachildnow,butawoman,andthesunshoneonhersoftbrownhair,andinherwhitedresssheputtheshellsshegathered。Shewasstooping,butwhensheheardhisstepshestoodup,holdingherskirtcloseabouther,andwaitedforhiscoming。Onehandsheputinhis,andtogethertheywalkedonovertheglitteringsandandpinksea—shells;andtheyheardtheleavestalking,andtheyheardthewatersbabblingontheirwaytothesea,andtheyheardtheseasingingtoitself,singing,singing。
Atlasttheycametoaplacewherewasalongreachofpurewhitesand;
thereshestoodstill,anddroppedontothesandonebyonetheshellsthatshehadgathered。Thenshelookedupintohisfacewithherbeautifuleyes。Shesaidnothing;butsheliftedonehandandlaiditsoftlyonhisforehead;theothershelaidonhisheart。
WithacryofsuppressedagonyWaldosprungfromthebed,flungopentheupperhalfofthedoor,andleanedout,breathingheavily。
GreatGod!itmightbeonlyadream,butthepainwasveryreal,asthoughakniferanthroughhisheart,asthoughsometreacherousmurderercreptonhiminthedark!Thestrongmandrewhisbreathlikeafrightenedwoman。
"Onlyadream,butthepainwasveryreal,"hemuttered,ashepressedhisrighthanduponhisbreast。Thenhefoldedhisarmsonthedoor,andstoodlookingoutintothestarlight。
Thedreamwaswithhimstill;thewomanwhowashisfriendwasnotseparatedfromhimbyyears——onlythatverynighthehadseenher。Helookedupintothenightskythatallhislifelonghadmingleditselfwithhisexistence。Therewereathousandfacesthathelovedlookingdownathim,athousandstarsintheirglory,incrowns,andcircles,andsolitarygrandeur。Tothemantheywerenotlessdearthantotheboytheyhadbeennotlessmysterious;yethelookedupatthemandshuddered;atlastturnedawayfromthemwithhorror。Suchcountlessmultitudesstretchingoutfarintospace,andyetnotinoneofthemallwasshe!Thoughhesearchedthroughthemall,tothefurthest,faintestpointoflight,nowhereshouldheeversay,"Sheishere!"Tomorrow’ssunwouldriseandgildtheworld’smountains,andshineintoitsthousandvalleys;itwouldsetandthestarscreepoutagain。Yearafteryear,centuryaftercentury,theoldchangesofnaturewouldgoon,dayandnight,summerandwinter,seed—timeandharvest;butinnoneofthemallwouldshehavepart!
Heshutthedoortokeepouttheirhideousshining,andbecausethedarkwasintolerablelitacandle,andpacedthelittleroom,fasterandfasteryet。Hesawbeforehimthelongagesofeternitythatwouldrollon,on,on,andneverbringher。Shewouldexistnomore。Adarkmistfilledthelittleroom。
"Oh,littlehand!oh,littlevoice!oh,littleform!"hecried;oh,littlesoulthatwalkedwithmine!oh,littlesoul,thatlookedsofearlesslydownintothedepths,doyouexistnomoreforever——foralltime?"Hecriedmorebitterly:"Itisforthishour——this——thatmenblindreason,andcrushoutthought!Forthishour——this,this——theybartertruthandknowledge,takeanylie,anycreed,soitdoesnotwhispertothemofthedeadthattheyaredead!Oh,God!foraHereafter!"