orwhatdaysthegalleriesareopen，andwhetherapermitisrequired，andwhereyouaretogetit，andwhatyoumustpayforit；orwhenthetheatersopenandclose，whattheplaysaretobe，andthepriceofseats；
orwhatisthenewestthinginhats；orhowthebillsofmortalityaverage；or"whostruckBillyPatterson。"
Itdoesnotmatterwhatyouaskhim:inninecasesoutoftenheknows，andinthetenthcasehewillfindoutforyoubeforeyoucanturnaroundthreetimes。
Thereisnothinghewillnotputhishandto。SupposeyoutellhimyouwishtogofromHamburgtoPekingbythewayofJericho，andareignorantofroutesandprices——
thenextmorninghewillhandyouapieceofpaperwiththewholethingworkedoutonittothelastdetail。
BeforeyouhavebeenlongonEuropeansoil，youfindyourselfstillSAYINGyouarerelyingonProvidence，butwhenyoucometolookcloseryouwillseethatinrealityyouarerelyingontheportier。Hediscoverswhatispuzzlingyou，orwhatistroublingyou，orwhatyourneedis，beforeyoucangetthehalfofitout，andhepromptlysays，"Leavethattome。"Consequently，youeasilydriftintothehabitofleavingeverythingtohim。ThereisacertainembarrassmentaboutapplyingtotheaverageAmericanhotelclerk，acertainhesitancy，asenseofinsecurityagainstrebuff；butyoufeelnoembarrassmentinyourintercoursewiththeportier；hereceivesyourpropositionswithanenthusiasmwhichcheers，andplungesintotheiraccomplishmentwithanalacritywhichalmostinebriates。
Themorerequirementsyoucanpileuponhim，thebetterhelikesit。Ofcoursetheresultisthatyouceasefromdoinganythingforyourself。Hecallsahackwhenyouwantone；
putsyouintoit；tellsthedriverwhithertotakeyou；
receivesyoulikealong-lostchildwhenyoureturn；
sendsyouaboutyourbusiness，doesallthequarrelingwiththehackmanhimself，andpayshimhismoneyoutofhisownpocket。Hesendsforyourtheatertickets，andpaysforthem；hesendsforanypossiblearticleyoucanrequire，beitadoctor，anelephant，orapostagestamp；andwhenyouleave，atlast，youwillfindasubordinateseatedwiththecab-driverwhowillputyouinyourrailwaycompartment，buyyourtickets，haveyourbaggageweighed，bringyoutheprintedtags，andtellyoueverythingisinyourbillandpaidfor。
Athomeyougetsuchelaborate，excellent，andwillingserviceasthisonlyinthebesthotelsofourlargecities；
butinEuropeyougetitinthemerebackcountry-townsjustaswell。
Whatisthesecretoftheportier'sdevotion?Itisverysimple:hegetsFEES，ANDNOSALARY。Hisfeeisprettycloselyregulated，too。Ifyoustayaweek，yougivehimfivemarks——adollarandaquarter，orabouteighteencentsaday。Ifyoustayamonth，youreducethisaveragesomewhat。Ifyoustaytwoorthreemonthsorlonger，youcutitdownhalf，orevenmorethanhalf。
Ifyoustayonlyoneday，yougivetheportieramark。
Theheadwaiter'sfeeisashadelessthantheportier's；
theBoots，whonotonlyblacksyourbootsandbrushesyourclothes，butisusuallytheporterandhandlesyourbaggage，getsasomewhatsmallerfeethantheheadwaiter；
thechambermaid'sfeeranksbelowthatoftheBoots。
Youfeeonlythesefour，andnooneelse。AGermangentlemantoldmethatwhenheremainedaweekinahotel，hegavetheportierfivemarks，theheadwaiterfour，theBootsthree，andthechambermaidtwo；andifhestayedthreemonthshedividedninetymarksamongthem，inabouttheaboveproportions。Ninetymarksmake$22。50。
Noneofthesefeesareeverpaiduntilyouleavethehotel，thoughitbeayear——exceptoneofthesefourservantsshouldgoawayinthemeantime；inthatcasehewillbesuretocomeandbidyougood-byandgiveyoutheopportunitytopayhimwhatisfairlycomingtohim。
Itisconsideredverybadpolicytofeeaservantwhileyouarestilltoremainlongerinthehotel，becauseifyougavehimtoolittlehemightneglectyouafterward，andifyougavehimtoomuchhemightneglectsomebodyelsetoattendtoyou。Itisconsideredbesttokeephisexpectations"onastring"untilyourstayinconcluded。
IdonotknowwhetherhotelservantsinNewYorkgetanywagesornot，butIdoknowthatinsomeofthehotelstherethefeeingsysteminvogueisaheavyburden。Thewaiterexpectsaquarteratbreakfast——andgetsit。Youhaveadifferentwaiteratluncheon，andsohegetsaquarter。
Yourwaiteratdinnerisanotherstranger——consequentlyhegetsaquarter。Theboywhocarriesyoursatcheltoyourroomandlightsyourgasfumblesaroundandhangsaroundsignificantly，andyoufeehimtogetridofhim。
Nowyoumayringforice-water；andtenminuteslaterforalemonade；andtenminutesafterward，foracigar；
andbyandbyforanewspaper——andwhatistheresult?Why，anewboyhasappearedeverytimeandfooledandfumbledarounduntilyouhavepaidhimsomething。Supposeyouboldlyputyourfootdown，andsayitisthehotel'sbusinesstopayitsservants?Youwillhavetoringyourbelltenorfifteentimesbeforeyougetaservantthere；
andwhenhegoesofftofillyourorderyouwillgrowoldandinfirmbeforeyouseehimagain。Youmaystrugglenoblyfortwenty-fourhours，maybe，ifyouareanadamantinesortofperson，butinthemeantimeyouwillhavebeensowretchedlyserved，andsoinsolently，thatyouwillhauldownyourcolors，andgotoimpoverishingyourselfwithfees。
ItseemstomethatitwouldbeahappyideatoimporttheEuropeanfeeingsystemintoAmerica。IbelieveitwouldresultingettingeventhebellsofthePhiladelphiahotelsanswered，andcheerfulservicerendered。
ThegreatestAmericanhotelskeepanumberofclerksandacashier，andpaythemsalarieswhichmountuptoaconsiderabletotalinthecourseofayear。
Thegreatcontinentalhotelskeepacashieronatriflingsalary，andaportierWHOPAYSTHEHOTELASALARY。
Bythelattersystemboththehotelandthepublicsavemoneyandarebetterservedthanbyoursystem。
OneofourconsulstoldmethataportierofagreatBerlinhotelpaidfivethousanddollarsayearforhisposition，andyetclearedsixthousanddollarsforhimself。
ThepositionofportierinthechiefhotelsofSaratoga，LongBranch，NewYork，andsimilarcentersofresort，wouldbeonewhichtheholdercouldaffordtopayevenmorethanfivethousanddollarsfor，perhaps。
WhenweborrowedthefeeingfashionfromEuropeadozenyearsago，thesalarysystemoughttohavebeendiscontinued，ofcourse。Wemightmakethiscorrectionnow，Ishouldthink。
Andwemightaddtheportier，too。SinceIfirstbegantostudytheportier，IhavehadopportunitiestoobservehiminthechiefcitiesofGermany，Switzerland，andItaly；
andthemoreIhaveseenofhimthemoreIhavewishedthathemightbeadoptedinAmerica，andbecomethere，asheisinEurope，thestranger'sguardianangel。
Yes，whatwastrueeighthundredyearsago，isjustastruetoday:"Fewtherebethatcankeepahotel。"
Perhapsitisbecausethelandlordsandtheirsubordinateshaveintoomanycasestakenuptheirtradewithoutfirstlearningit。InEuropethetradeofhotel-keeperistaught。
Theapprenticebeginsatthebottomoftheladderandmasterstheseveralgradesoneaftertheother。
Justasinourcountryprinting-officestheapprenticefirstlearnshowtosweepoutandbringwater；
thenlearnsto"roll"；thentosort"pi"；thentosettype；
andfinallyroundsandcompleteshiseducationwithjob-workandpress-work；sothelandlord-apprenticeservesascall-boy；thenasunder-waiter；thenasaparlorwaiter；
thenasheadwaiter，inwhichpositionheoftenhastomakeoutallthebills；thenasclerkorcashier；
thenasportier。Histradeislearnednow，andbyandbyhewillassumethestyleanddignityoflandlord，andbefoundconductingahotelofhisown。
NowinEurope，thesameasinAmerica，whenamanhaskeptahotelsothoroughlywellduringanumberofyearsastogiveitagreatreputation，hehashisreward。
Hecanliveprosperouslyonthatreputation。Hecanlethishotelrundowntothelastdegreeofshabbinessandyethaveitfullofpeopleallthetime。Forinstance，thereistheHo^teldeVille，inMilan。Itswarmswithmiceandfleas，andiftherestoftheworldweredestroyeditcouldfurnishdirtenoughtostartanotheronewith。
Thefoodwouldcreateaninsurrectioninapoorhouse；
andyetifyougooutsidetogetyourmealsthathotelmakesupitslossbyoverchargingyouonallsortsoftrifles——andwithoutmakinganydenialsorexcusesaboutit，either。ButtheHo^teldeVille'soldexcellentreputationstillkeepsitsdrearyroomscrowdedwithtravelerswhowouldbeelsewhereiftheyhadonlysomewisefriendtowarnthem。
APPENDIXB
HeidelbergCastleHeidelbergCastlemusthavebeenverybeautifulbeforetheFrenchbatteredandbruisedandscorchedittwohundredyearsago。Thestoneisbrown，withapinkishtint，anddoesnotseemtostaineasily。Thedaintyandelaborateornamentationuponitstwochieffrontsisasdelicatelycarvedasifithadbeenintendedfortheinteriorofadrawing-roomratherthanfortheoutsideofahouse。
Manyfruitandflowerclusters，humanheadsandgrimprojectinglions'headsarestillasperfectineverydetailasiftheywerenew。Butthestatueswhicharerankedbetweenthewindowshavesuffered。Thesearelife-sizestatuesofold-timeemperors，electors，andsimilargrandees，cladinmailandbearingponderousswords。
Somehavelostanarm，someahead，andonepoorfellowischoppedoffatthemiddle。Thereisasayingthatifastrangerwillpassoverthedrawbridgeandwalkacrossthecourttothecastlefrontwithoutsayinganything，hecanmadeawishanditwillbefulfilled。Buttheysaythatthetruthofthisthinghasneverhadachancetobeproved，forthereasonthatbeforeanystrangercanwalkfromthedrawbridgetotheappointedplace，thebeautyofthepalacefrontwillextortanexclamationofdelightfromhim。
Aruinmustberightlysituated，tobeeffective。
Thisonecouldnothavebeenbetterplaced。Itstandsuponacommandingelevation，itisburiedingreenwords，thereisnolevelgroundaboutit，but，onthecontrary，therearewoodedterracesuponterraces，andonelooksdownthroughshiningleavesintoprofoundchasmsandabysseswheretwilightreignsandthesuncannotintrude。
Natureknowshowtogarnisharuintogetthebesteffect。
Oneoftheseoldtowersissplitdownthemiddle，andonehalfhastumbledaside。Ittumbledinsuchawayastoestablishitselfinapicturesqueattitude。Thenallitlackedwasafittingdrapery，andNaturehasfurnishedthat；
shehasrobedtheruggedmassinflowersandverdure，andmadeitacharmtotheeye。Thestandinghalfexposesitsarchedandcavernousroomstoyou，likeopen，toothlessmouths；there，too，thevinesandflowershavedonetheirworkofgrace。Therearportionofthetowerhasnotbeenneglected，either，butisclothedwithaclinginggarmentofpolishedivywhichhidesthewoundsandstainsoftime。Eventhetopisnotleftbare，butiscrownedwithaflourishinggroupoftreesandshrubs。
Misfortunehasdoneforthisoldtowerwhatithasdoneforthehumancharactersometimes——improvedit。
Agentlemanremarked，oneday，thatitmighthavebeenfinetoliveinthecastleinthedayofitsprime，butthatwehadoneadvantagewhichitsvanishedinhabitantslacked——theadvantageofhavingacharmingruintovisitandmuseover。Butthatwasahastyidea。
ThosepeoplehadtheadvantageofUS。Theyhadthefinecastletolivein，andtheycouldcrosstheRhinevalleyandmuseoverthestatelyruinofTrifelsbesides。
TheTrifelspeople，intheirday，fivehundredyearsago，couldgoandmuseovermajesticruinsthathavevanished，now，tothelaststone。Therehavealwaysbeenruins，nodoubt；andtherehavealwaysbeenpensivepeopletosighoverthem，andassestoscratchuponthemtheirnamesandtheimportantdateoftheirvisit。WithinahundredyearsafterAdamleftEden，theguideprobablygavetheusualgeneralflourishwithhishandandsaid:"Placewheretheanimalswerenamed，ladiesandgentlemen；
placewherethetreeoftheforbiddenfruitstood；
exactspotwhereAdamandEvefirstmet；andhere，ladiesandgentlemen，adornedandhallowedbythenamesandaddressesofthreegenerationsoftourists，wehavethecrumblingremainsofCain'saltar——fineoldruin!"
Then，nodoubt，hetaxedthemashekelapieceandletthemgo。
AnilluminationofHeidelbergCastleisoneofthesightsofEurope。TheCastle'spicturesqueshape；
itscommandingsituation，midwayupthesteepandwoodedmountainside；itsvastsize——thesefeaturescombinetomakeanilluminationamosteffectivespectacle。
Itisnecessarilyanexpensiveshow，andconsequentlyratherinfrequent。Thereforewheneveroneoftheseexhibitionsistotakeplace，thenewsgoesaboutinthepapersandHeidelbergissuretobefullofpeopleonthatnight。
Iandmyagenthadoneoftheseopportunities，andimprovedit。
Abouthalfpastsevenontheappointedeveningwecrossedthelowerbridge，withsomeAmericanstudents，inapouringrain，andstarteduptheroadwhichborderstheNeunheimsideoftheriver。Thisroadwaywasdenselypackedwithcarriagesandfoot-passengers；theformerofallages，andthelatterofallagesandbothsexes。
Thisblackandsolidmasswasstrugglingpainfullyonward，throughtheslop，thedarkness，andthedeluge。
Wewadedalongforthree-quartersofamile，andfinallytookupapositioninanunshelteredbeer-gardendirectlyoppositetheCastle。WecouldnotSEEtheCastle——oranythingelse，forthatmatter——butwecoulddimlydiscerntheoutlinesofthemountainovertheway，throughthepervadingblackness，andknewwhereaboutstheCastlewaslocated。Westoodononeofthehundredbenchesinthegarden，underourumbrellas；theotherninety-ninewereoccupiedbystandingmenandwomen，andtheyalsohadumbrellas。Alltheregionroundabout，andupanddowntheriver-road，wasadensewildernessofhumanityhiddenunderanunbrokenpavementofcarriagetopsandumbrellas。Thuswestoodduringtwodrenchinghours。
Norainfellonmyhead，buttheconvergingwhalebonepointsofadozenneighboringumbrellaspouredlittlecoolingsteamsofwaterdownmyneck，andsometimesintomyears，andthuskeptmefromgettinghotandimpatient。
Ihadtherheumatism，too，andhadheardthatthiswasgoodforit。Afterward，however，IwasledtobelievethatthewatertreatmentisNOTgoodforrheumatism。
Therewereevenlittlegirlsinthatdreadfulplace。
Amenheldoneinhisarms，justinfrontofme，forasmuchasanhour，withumbrella-drippingssoakingintoherclothingallthetime。
Inthecircumstances，twohourswasagoodwhileforustohavetowait，butwhentheilluminationdidatlastcome，wefeltrepaid。Itcameunexpectedly，ofcourse——thingsalwaysdo，thathavebeenlonglookedandlongedfor。
Withaperfectlybreath-takingsuddennessseveralmastsheavesofvaricoloredrocketswerevomitedskywardoutoftheblackthroatsoftheCastletowers，accompaniedbyathunderingcrashofsound，andinstantlyeverydetailoftheprodigiousruinstoodrevealedagainstthemountainsideandglowingwithanalmostintolerablesplendoroffireandcolor。Forsomelittletimethewholebuildingwasablindingcrimsonmass，thetowerscontinuedtospoutthickcolumnsofrocketsaloft，andoverheadtheskywasradiantwitharrowyboltswhichclovetheirwaytothezenith，paused，curvedgracefullydownward，thenburstintobrilliantfountain-spraysofrichlycoloredsparks。
Theredfiresdiedslowlydown，withintheCastle，andpresentlytheshellgrewnearlyblackoutside；
theangryglarethatshoneoutthroughthebrokenarchesandinnumerablesashlesswindows，now，reproducedtheaspectwhichtheCastlemusthaveborneintheoldtimewhentheFrenchspoilerssawthemonsterbonfirewhichtheyhadmadetherefadingandspoilingtowardextinction。
Whilewestillgazedandenjoyed，theruinwassuddenlyenvelopedinrollingandrumblingvolumesofvaporousgreenfire；thenindazzlingpurpleones；thenamixtureofmanycolorsfollowed，thendrownedthegreatfabricinitsblendedsplendors。Meantimethenearestbridgehadbeenilluminated，andfromseveralraftsanchoredintheriver，meteorshowersofrockets，Romancandles，bombs，serpents，andCatharinewheelswerebeingdischargedinwastefulprofusionintothesky——amarveloussightindeedtoapersonaslittleusedtosuchspectaclesasIwas。
Forawhilethewholeregionaboutusseemedasbrightasday，andyettherainwasfallingintorrentsallthetime。
Theevening'sentertainmentpresentlyclosed，andwejoinedtheinnumerablecaravanofhalf-drownedstrangers，andwadedhomeagain。
TheCastlegroundsareveryampleandverybeautiful；
andastheyjoinedtheHotelgrounds，withnofencestoclimb，butonlysomenoblyshadedstonestairwaystodescend，wespentapartofnearlyeverydayinidlingthroughtheirsmoothwalksandleafygroves。
Therewasanattractivespotamongthetreeswherewereagreatmanywoodentablesandbenches；andthereonecouldsitintheshadeandpretendtosipathisfoamybeakerofbeerwhileheinspectedthecrowd。Isaypretend，becauseIonlypretendedtosip，withoutreallysipping。
Thatisthepoliteway；butwhenyouarereadytogo，youemptythebeakeratadraught。Therewasabrassband，anditfurnishedexcellentmusiceveryafternoon。
Sometimessomanypeoplecamethateveryseatwasoccupied，everytablefilled。Andneveraroughintheassemblace——allnicelydressedfathersandmothers，younggentlemenandladiesandchildren；andplentyofuniversitystudentsandglitteringofficers；withhereandthereagrayprofessor，orapeacefuloldladywithherknitting；
andalwaysasprinklingofgawkyforeigners。
Everybodyhadhisglassofbeerbeforehim，orhiscupofcoffee，orhisbottleofwine，orhishotcutletandpotatoes；youngladieschatted，orfannedthemselves，orwroughtattheircrochetingorembroidering；
thestudentsfedsugartotheirdogs，ordiscussedduels，orillustratednewfencingtrickswiththeirlittlecanes；
andeverywherewascomfortandenjoyment，andeverywherepeaceandgood-willtomen。Thetreeswerejubilantwithbirds，andthepathswithrollickingchildren。
Onecouldhaveaseatinthatplaceandplentyofmusic，anyafternoon，forabouteightcents，orafamilyticketfortheseasonfortwodollars。
Forachange，whenyouwantedone，youcouldstrolltotheCastle，andburrowamongitsdungeons，orclimbaboutitsruinedtowers，orvisititsinteriorshows——thegreatHeidelbergTun，forinstance。EverybodyhasheardofthegreatHeidelbergTun，andmostpeoplehaveseenit，nodoubt。Itisawine-caskasbigasacottage，andsometraditionssayitholdseighteenthousandbottles，andothertraditionssayitholdseighteenhundredmillionbarrels。
Ithinkitlikelythatoneofthesestatementsisamistake，andtheotherisalie。However，themerematterofcapacityisathingofnosortofconsequence，sincethecaskisempty，andindeedhasalwaysbeenempty，historysays。Anemptycaskthesizeofacathedralcouldexcitebutlittleemotioninme。Idonotseeanywisdominbuildingamonstercasktohoardupemptinessin，whenyoucangetabetterquality，outside，anyday，freeofexpense。Whatcouldthiscaskhavebeenbuiltfor?Themoreonestudiesoverthat，themoreuncertainandunhappyhebecomes。Somehistorianssaythatthirtycouples，somesaythirtythousandcouples，candanceontheheadofthiscaskatthesametime。
Eventhisdoesnotseemtometoaccountforthebuildingofit。Itdoesnoteventhrowlightonit。AprofoundandscholarlyEnglishman——aspecialist——whohadmadethegreatHeidelbergTunhissolestudyforfifteenyears，toldmehehadatlastsatisfiedhimselfthattheancientsbuiltittomakeGermancreamin。HesaidthattheaverageGermancowyieldedfromonetotwoandhalfteaspoonsofmilk，whenshewasnotworkedintheploworthehay-wagonmorethaneighteenornineteenhoursaday。Thismilkwasverysweetandgood，andabeautifultransparentbluishtint；butinordertogetcreamfromitinthemosteconomicalway，apeculiarprocesswasnecessary。
Nowhebelievedthatthehabitoftheancientswastocollectseveralmilkingsinateacup，pouritintotheGreatTun，fillupwithwater，andthenskimoffthecreamfromtimetotimeastheneedsoftheGermanEmpiredemanded。
Thisbegantolookreasonable。ItcertainlybegantoaccountfortheGermancreamwhichIhadencounteredandmarveledoverinsomanyhotelsandrestaurants。
Butathoughtstruckme——
"Whydidnoteachancientdairymantakehisownteacupofmilkandhisowncaskofwater，andmixthem，withoutmakingagovernmentmatterofit?'
"Wherecouldhegetacasklargeenoughtocontaintherightproportionofwater?"
Verytrue。ItwasplainthattheEnglishmanhadstudiedthematterfromallsides。StillIthoughtImightcatchhimononepoint；soIaskedhimwhythemodernempiredidnotmakethenation'screamintheHeidelbergTun，insteadofleavingittorotawayunused。Butheansweredasoneprepared——
"ApatientanddiligentexaminationofthemodernGermancreamhadsatisfiedmethattheydonotusetheGreatTunnow，becausetheyhavegotaBIGGERonehidawaysomewhere。
EitherthatisthecaseortheyemptythespringmilkingsintothemountaintorrentsandthenskimtheRhineallsummer。"
ThereisamuseumofantiquitiesintheCastle，andamongitsmosttreasuredrelicsareancientmanuscriptsconnectedwithGermanhistory。Therearehundredsofthese，andtheirdatesstretchbackthroughmanycenturies。
OneofthemisadecreesignedandsealedbythehandofasuccessorofCharlemagne，intheyear896。
Asignaturemadebyahandwhichvanishedoutofthislifenearathousandyearsago，isamoreimpressivethingthanevenaruinedcastle。Luther'swedding-ringwasshownme；
alsoaforkbelongingtoatimeanteriortoourera，andanearlybookjack。Andtherewasaplastercastoftheheadofamanwhowasassassinatedaboutsixtyyearsago。Thestab-woundsinthefacewereduplicatedwithunpleasantfidelity。Oneortworealhairsstillremainedstickingintheeyebrowsofthecast。
Thattrifleseemedtoalmostchangethecounterfeitintoacorpse。
Therearemanyagedportraits——somevaluable，someworthless；
someofgreatinterest，someofnoneatall。Iboughtacouple——oneagorgeousdukeoftheoldentime，andtheotheracomelyblue-eyeddamsel，aprincess，maybe。Iboughtthemtostartaportrait-galleryofmyancestorswith。
Ipaidadollarandahalfforthedukeandahalffortheprincess。Onecanlayinancestorsatevencheaperratesthanthese，inEurope，ifhewillmouseamongoldpictureshopsandlookoutforchances。
APPENDIXC
TheCollegePrisonItseemsthatthestudentmaybreakagoodmanyofthepubliclawswithouthavingtoanswertothepublicauthorities。
HiscasemustcomebeforetheUniversityfortrialandpunishment。Ifapolicemancatcheshiminanunlawfulactandproceedstoarresthim，theoffenderproclaimsthatheisastudent，andperhapsshowshismatriculationcard，whereupontheofficerasksforhisaddress，thengoeshisway，andreportsthematteratheadquarters。Iftheoffenseisoneoverwhichthecityhasnojurisdiction，theauthoritiesreportthecaseofficiallytotheUniversity，andgivethemselvesnofurtherconcernaboutit。
TheUniversitycourtsendforthestudent，listentotheevidence，andpronouncejudgment。ThepunishmentusuallyinflictedisimprisonmentintheUniversityprison。
AsIunderstandit，astudent'scaseisoftentriedwithouthisbeingpresentatall。Thensomethinglikethishappens:AconstableintheserviceoftheUniversityvisitsthelodgingsofthesaidstudent，knocks，isinvitedtocomein，doesso，andsayspolitely——
"Ifyouplease，Iamheretoconductyoutoprison。"
"Ah，"saysthestudent，"Iwasnotexpectingit。
WhathaveIbeendoing?"
"Twoweeksagothepublicpeacehadthehonortobedisturbedbyyou。"
"Itistrue；Ihadforgottenit。Verywell:Ihavebeencomplainedof，tried，andfoundguilty——isthatit?"
"Exactly。Youaresentencedtotwodays'solitaryconfinementintheCollegeprison，andIamsenttofetchyou。"
STUDENT。"O，Ican'tgotoday。"
OFFICER。"Ifyouplease——why?"
STUDENT。"BecauseI'vegotanengagement。"
OFFICER。"Tomorrow，then，perhaps?"
STUDENT。"No，Iamgoingtotheopera，tomorrow。"
OFFICER。"CouldyoucomeFriday?"
STUDENT。Reflectively。"Letmesee——Friday——Friday。
Idon'tseemtohaveanythingonhandFriday。"
OFFICER。"Then，ifyouplease，IwillexpectyouonFriday。"
STUDENT。"Allright，I'llcomearoundFriday。"
OFFICER。"Thankyou。Goodday，sir。"
STUDENT。"Goodday。"
SoonFridaythestudentgoestotheprisonofhisownaccord，andisadmitted。
Itisquestionableiftheworld'scriminalhistorycanshowacustommoreoddthanthis。Nobodyknows，now，howitoriginated。Therehavealwaysbeenmanynoblemenamongthestudents，anditispresumedthatallstudentsaregentlemen；intheoldtimesitwasusualtomartheconvenienceofsuchfolkaslittleaspossible；
perhapsthisindulgentcustomowesitsorigintothis。
OnedayIwaslisteningtosomeconversationuponthissubjectwhenanAmericanstudentsaidthatforsometimehehadbeenundersentenceforaslightbreachofthepeaceandhadpromisedtheconstablethathewouldpresentlyfindanunoccupieddayandbetakehimselftoprison。
Iaskedtheyounggentlemantodomethekindnesstogotojailassoonasheconvenientlycould，sothatImighttrytogetinthereandvisithim，andseewhatcollegecaptivitywaslike。Hesaidhewouldappointtheveryfirstdayhecouldspare。
Hisconfinementwastoenduretwenty-fourhours。Heshortlychosehisday，andsentmeword。Istartedimmediately。
WhenIreachedtheUniversityPlace，Isawtwogentlementalkingtogether，and，astheyhadportfoliosundertheirarms，Ijudgedtheyweretutorsorelderlystudents；
soIaskedtheminEnglishtoshowmethecollegejail。
IhadlearnedtotakeitforgrantedthatanybodyinGermanywhoknowsanything，knowsEnglish，soIhadstoppedafflictingpeoplewithmyGerman。Thesegentlemenseemedatrifleamused——andatrifleconfused，too——butoneofthemsaidhewouldwalkaroundthecornerwithmeandshowmetheplace。HeaskedmewhyIwantedtogetinthere，andIsaidtoseeafriend——andforcuriosity。
HedoubtedifIwouldbeadmitted，butvolunteeredtoputinawordortwoformewiththecustodian。
Herangthebell，adooropened，andwesteppedintoapavedwayandthenupintoasmallliving-room，wherewewerereceivedbyaheartyandgood-naturedGermanwomanoffifty。
Shethrewupherhandswithasurprised"ACHGOTT，HERRPROFESSOR!"andexhibitedamightydeferenceformynewacquaintance。BythesparkleinhereyeIjudgedshewasagooddealamused，too。The"HerrProfessor"
talkedtoherinGerman，andIunderstoodenoughofittoknowthathewasbringingveryplausiblereasonstobearforadmittingme。Theyweresuccessful。SotheHerrProfessorreceivedmyearnestthanksanddeparted。
Theolddamegotherkeys，tookmeuptwoorthreeflightsofstairs，unlockedadoor，andwestoodinthepresenceofthecriminal。Thenshewentintoajollyandeagerdescriptionofallthathadoccurreddownstairs，andwhattheHerrProfessorhadsaid，andsoforthandsoon。
Plainly，sheregardeditasquiteasuperiorjokethatIhadwaylaidaProfessorandemployedhiminsooddaservice。
ButIwouldn'thavedoneitifIhadknownhewasaProfessor；
thereforemyconsciencewasnotdisturbed。
Nowthedameleftustoourselves。Thecellwasnotaroomyone；
stillitwasalittlelargerthananordinaryprisoncell。
Ithadawindowofgoodsize，iron-grated；asmallstove；
twowoodenchairs；twooakentables，veryoldandmostelaboratelycarvedwithnames，mottoes，faces，armorialbearings，etc——theworkofseveralgenerationsofimprisonedstudents；andanarrowwoodenbedsteadwithavillainousstrawmattress，butnosheets，pillows，blankets，orcoverlets——forthesethestudentmustfurnishathisowncostifhewantsthem。Therewasnocarpet，ofcourse。
Theceilingwascompletelycoveredwithnames，dates，andmonograms，donewithcandle-smoke。Thewallswerethicklycoveredwithpicturesandportraitsinprofile，somedonewithink，somewithsoot，somewithapencil，andsomewithred，blue，andgreenchalks；andwheneveraninchortwoofspacehadremainedbetweenthepictures，thecaptiveshadwrittenplaintiveverses，ornamesanddates。IdonotthinkIwaseverinamoreelaboratelyfrescoedapartment。
Againstthewallhungaplacardcontainingtheprisonlaws。
Imadeanoteofoneortwoofthese。Forinstance:
Theprisonermustpay，forthe"privilege"ofentering，asumequivalentto20centsofourmoney；fortheprivilegeofleaving，whenhistermhadexpired，20cents；foreverydayspentintheprison，12cents；forfireandlight，12centsaday。Thejailerfurnishescoffee，mornings，forasmallsum；dinnersandsuppersmaybeorderedfromoutsideiftheprisonerchooses——andheisallowedtopayforthem，too。
Hereandthere，onthewalls，appearedthenamesofAmericanstudents，andinoneplacetheAmericanarmsandmottoweredisplayedincoloredchalks。
WiththehelpofmyfriendItranslatedmanyoftheinscriptions。
Someofthemwerecheerful，othersthereverse。
Iwillgivethereaderafewspecimens:
"Inmytenthsemestermybestone，Iamcastherethroughthecomplaintsofothers。Letthosewhofollowmetakewarning。"
"IIITAGEOHNEGRUNDANGEBLICHAUSNEUGIERDE。"Whichistosay，hehadacuriositytoknowwhatprisonlifewaslike；
sohemadeabreachinsomelawandgotthreedaysforit。
Itismorethanlikelythatheneverhadthesamecuriosityagain。
TRANSLATION。"E。Glinicke，fourdaysforbeingtooeageraspectatorofarow。"
"F。GrafBismarck——27-29，II，'74。"WhichmeansthatCountBismarck，sonofthegreatstatesman，wasaprisonertwodaysin1874。
TRANSLATION。"R。Diergandt——forLove——4days。"
Manypeopleinthisworldhavecaughtitheavierthanforthesameindiscretion。