Thisoneisterse。Itranslate:
"FourweeksforMISINTERPRETEDGALLANTRY。"Iwishthesuffererhadexplainedalittlemorefully。
Afour-weektermisaratherseriousmatter。
Thereweremanyuncomplimentaryreferences，onthewalls，toacertainunpopulardignitary。Onesuffererhadgotthreedaysfornotsalutinghim。Anotherhad"heretwodayssleptandthreenightslainawake，"onaccountofthissame"Dr。K。"InoneplacewasapictureofDr。K。hangingonagallows。
Hereandthere，lonesomeprisonershadeasedtheheavytimebyalteringtherecordsleftbypredecessors。Leavingthenamestanding，andthedateandlengthofthecaptivity，theyhaderasedthedescriptionofthemisdemeanor，andwritteninitsplace，instaringcapitals，"FORTHEFT!"
or"FORMURDER!"orsomeothergaudycrime。Inoneplace，allbyitself，stoodthisblood-curdlingword:
"Rache!"[1]
1。"Revenge!"
Therewasnonamesigned，andnodate。Itwasaninscriptionwellcalculatedtopiquecuriosity。
Onewouldgreatlyliketoknowthenatureofthewrongthathadbeendone，andwhatsortofvengeancewaswanted，andwhethertheprisonereverachieveditornot。
Buttherewasnowayoffindingoutthesethings。
Occasionally，anamewasfollowedsimplybytheremark，"IIdays，fordisturbingthepeace，"andwithoutcommentuponthejusticeorinjusticeofthesentence。
Inoneplacewasahilariouspictureofastudentofthegreencapcorpswithabottleofchampagneineachhand；
andbelowwasthelegend:"Thesemakeanevilfateendurable。"
Thereweretwoprisoncells，andneitherhadspaceleftonwallsorceilingforanothernameorportraitorpicture。
TheinsidesurfacesofthetwodoorswerecompletelycoveredwithCARTESDEVISITEofformerprisoners，ingeniouslyletintothewoodandprotectedfromdirtandinjurybyglass。
Iverymuchwantedoneofthesorryoldtableswhichtheprisonershadspentsomanyyearsinornamentingwiththeirpocket-knives，butredtapewasintheway。
Thecustodiancouldnotsellonewithoutanorderfromasuperior；andthatsuperiorwouldhavetogetitfromHISsuperior；andthisonewouldhavetogetitfromahigherone——andsoonupandupuntilthefacultyshouldsitonthematteranddeliverfinaljudgment。
Thesystemwasright，andnobodycouldfindfaultwithit；
butitdidnotseemjustifiabletobothersomanypeople，soIproceedednofurther。ItmighthavecostmemorethanIcouldafford，anyway；foroneofthoseprisontables，whichwasatthetimeinaprivatemuseuminHeidelberg，wasafterwardsoldatauctionfortwohundredandfiftydollars。
Itwasnotworthmorethanadollar，orpossiblyadollarandhalf，beforethecaptivestudentsbegantheirworkonit。Personswhosawitattheauctionsaiditwassocuriouslyandwonderfullycarvedthatitwasworththemoneythatwaspaidforit。
Amongthemmanywhohavetastedthecollegeprison'sdrearyhospitalitywasalivelyyoungfellowfromoneoftheSouthernstatesofAmerica，whosefirstyear'sexperienceofGermanuniversitylifewasratherpeculiar。
ThedayhearrivedinHeidelbergheenrolledhisnameonthecollegebooks，andwassoelatedwiththefactthathisdearesthopehadfoundfruitionandhewasactuallyastudentoftheoldandrenowneduniversity，thathesettoworkthatverynighttocelebratetheeventbyagrandlarkincompanywithsomeotherstudents。
Inthecourseofhislarkhemanagedtomakeawidebreachinoneoftheuniversity'smoststringentlaws。
Sequel:beforenoon，nextday，hewasinthecollegeprison——bookedforthreemonths。Thetwelvelongweeksdraggedslowlyby，andthedayofdeliverancecameatlast。
Agreatcrowdofsympathizingfellow-studentsreceivedhimwitharousingdemonstrationashecameforth，andofcoursetherewasanothergrandlark——inthecourseofwhichhemanagedtomakeawidebreachoftheCITY'S
moststringentlaws。Sequel:beforenoon，nextday，hewassafeinthecitylockup——bookedforthreemonths。
Thissecondtediouscaptivitydrewtoanendinthecourseoftime，andagainagreatcrowdofsympathizingfellowstudentsgavehimarousingreceptionashecameforth；
buthisdelightinhisfreedomwassoboundlessthathecouldnotproceedsoberlyandcalmly，butmustgohoppingandskippingandjumpingdownthesleetystreetfromsheerexcessofjoy。Sequel:heslippedandbrokehisleg，andactuallylayinthehospitalduringthenextthreemonths!
Whenheatlastbecameafreemanagain，hesaidhebelievedhewouldhuntupabriskerseatoflearning；theHeidelberglecturesmightbegood，buttheopportunitiesofattendingthemweretoorare，theeducationalprocesstooslow；
hesaidhehadcometoEuropewiththeideathattheacquirementofaneducationwasonlyamatteroftime，butifhehadaveragedtheHeidelbergsystemcorrectly，itwasratheramatterofeternity。
APPENDIXD
TheAwfulGermanLanguageAlittlelearningmakesthewholeworldkin——
Proverbsxxxii，7。
IwentoftentolookatthecollectionofcuriositiesinHeidelbergCastle，andonedayIsurprisedthekeeperofitwithmyGerman。Ispokeentirelyinthatlanguage。
Hewasgreatlyinterested；andafterIhadtalkedawhilehesaidmyGermanwasveryrare，possiblya"unique"；
andwantedtoaddittohismuseum。
Ifhehadknownwhatithadcostmetoacquiremyart，hewouldalsohaveknownthatitwouldbreakanycollectortobuyit。HarrisandIhadbeenhardatworkonourGermanduringseveralweeksatthattime，andalthoughwehadmadegoodprogress，ithadbeenaccomplishedundergreatdifficultyandannoyance，forthreeofourteachershaddiedinthemeantime。
ApersonwhohasnotstudiedGermancanformnoideaofwhataperplexinglanguageitis。
Surelythereisnotanotherlanguagethatissoslipshodandsystemless，andsoslipperyandelusivetothegrasp。
Oneiswashedaboutinit，hitherandthither，inthemosthelplessway；andwhenatlasthethinkshehascapturedarulewhichoffersfirmgroundtotakearestonamidthegeneralrageandturmoilofthetenpartsofspeech，heturnsoverthepageandreads，"LetthepupilmakecarefulnoteofthefollowingEXCEPTIONS。"Herunshiseyedownandfindsthattherearemoreexceptionstotherulethaninstancesofit。Sooverboardhegoesagain，tohuntforanotherAraratandfindanotherquicksand。
Suchhasbeen，andcontinuestobe，myexperience。
EverytimeIthinkIhavegotoneofthesefourconfusing"cases"whereIammasterofit，aseeminglyinsignificantprepositionintrudesitselfintomysentence，clothedwithanawfulandunsuspectedpower，andcrumblesthegroundfromunderme。Forinstance，mybookinquiresafteracertainbird——itisalwaysinquiringafterthingswhichareofnosortofnoconsequencetoanybody:"Whereisthebird?"Nowtheanswertothisquestion——accordingtothebook——isthatthebirdiswaitingintheblacksmithshoponaccountoftherain。Ofcoursenobirdwoulddothat，butthenyoumuststicktothebook。Verywell，IbegintocipherouttheGermanforthatanswer。Ibeginatthewrongend，necessarily，forthatistheGermanidea。
Isaytomyself，"REGENrainismasculine——ormaybeitisfeminine——orpossiblyneuter——itistoomuchtroubletolooknow。Therefore，itiseitherDERtheRegen，orDIEtheRegen，orDAStheRegen，accordingtowhichgenderitmayturnouttobewhenIlook。Intheinterestofscience，Iwillcipheritoutonthehypothesisthatitismasculine。Verywell——thenTHErainisDERRegen，ifitissimplyinthequiescentstateofbeingMENTIONED，withoutenlargementordiscussion——Nominativecase；
butifthisrainislyingaround，inakindofageneralwayontheground，itisthendefinitelylocated，itisDOINGSOMETHING——thatis，RESTINGwhichisoneoftheGermangrammar'sideasofdoingsomething，andthisthrowstherainintotheDativecase，andmakesitDEMRegen。However，thisrainisnotresting，butisdoingsomethingACTIVELY，——itisfalling——tointerferewiththebird，likely——andthisindicatesMOVEMENT，whichhastheeffectofslidingitintotheAccusativecaseandchangingDEMRegenintoDENRegen。"Havingcompletedthegrammaticalhoroscopeofthismatter，IanswerupconfidentlyandstateinGermanthatthebirdisstayingintheblacksmithshop"wegenonaccountofDENRegen。"
Thentheteacherletsmesoftlydownwiththeremarkthatwhenevertheword"wegen"dropsintoasentence，itALWAYSthrowsthatsubjectintotheGENITIVEcase，regardlessofconsequences——andthereforethisbirdstayedintheblacksmithshop"wegenDESRegens。"
N。B——Iwasinformed，later，byahigherauthority，thattherewasan"exception"whichpermitsonetosay"wegenDENRegen"incertainpeculiarandcomplexcircumstances，butthatthisexceptionisnotextendedtoanythingBUTrain。
Therearetenpartsofspeech，andtheyarealltroublesome。
Anaveragesentence，inaGermannewspaper，isasublimeandimpressivecuriosity；itoccupiesaquarterofacolumn；
itcontainsallthetenpartsofspeech——notinregularorder，butmixed；itisbuiltmainlyofcompoundwordsconstructedbythewriteronthespot，andnottobefoundinanydictionary——sixorsevenwordscompactedintoone，withoutjointorseam——thatis，withouthyphens；
ittreatsoffourteenorfifteendifferentsubjects，eachenclosedinaparenthesisofitsown，withhereandthereextraparentheses，makingpenswithpens:finally，alltheparenthesesandreparenthesesaremassedtogetherbetweenacoupleofking-parentheses，oneofwhichisplacedinthefirstlineofthemajesticsentenceandtheotherinthemiddleofthelastlineofit——AFTERWHICHCOMES
THEVERB，andyoufindoutforthefirsttimewhatthemanhasbeentalkingabout；andaftertheverb——merelybywayofornament，asfarasIcanmakeout——thewritershovelsin"HABENSINDGEWESENGEHABTHAVENGEWORDENSEIN，"
orwordstothateffect，andthemonumentisfinished。
Isupposethatthisclosinghurrahisinthenatureoftheflourishtoaman'ssignature——notnecessary，butpretty。
Germanbooksareeasyenoughtoreadwhenyouholdthembeforethelooking-glassorstandonyourhead——soastoreversetheconstruction——butIthinkthattolearntoreadandunderstandaGermannewspaperisathingwhichmustalwaysremainanimpossibilitytoaforeigner。
YeteventheGermanbooksarenotentirelyfreefromattacksoftheParenthesisdistemper——thoughtheyareusuallysomildastocoveronlyafewlines，andthereforewhenyouatlastgetdowntotheverbitcarriessomemeaningtoyourmindbecauseyouareabletorememberagooddealofwhathasgonebefore。NowhereisasentencefromapopularandexcellentGermannovel——whichaslightparenthesisinit。Iwillmakeaperfectlyliteraltranslation，andthrowintheparenthesis-marksandsomehyphensfortheassistanceofthereader——thoughintheoriginaltherearenoparenthesis-marksorhyphens，andthereaderislefttoflounderthroughtotheremoteverbthebestwayhecan:
"Butwhenhe，uponthestreet，thein-satin-and-silk-covered-
now-very-unconstrained-after-the-newest-fashioned-dressed
governmentcounselor'swifeMET，"etc。，etc。[1]
1。WenneraberaufderStrassederinSammtundSeidegehu"lltenjetzsehrungenirtnachderneustenmodegekleidetenRegierungsrathinbegegnet。
ThatisfromTHEOLDMAMSELLE'SSECRET，byMrs。Marlitt。
AndthatsentenceisconstructeduponthemostapprovedGermanmodel。Youobservehowfarthatverbisfromthereader'sbaseofoperations；well，inaGermannewspapertheyputtheirverbawayoveronthenextpage；
andIhaveheardthatsometimesafterstringingalongtheexcitingpreliminariesandparenthesesforacolumnortwo，theygetinahurryandhavetogotopresswithoutgettingtotheverbatall。Ofcourse，then，thereaderisleftinaveryexhaustedandignorantstate。
WehavetheParenthesisdiseaseinourliterature，too；andonemayseecasesofiteverydayinourbooksandnewspapers:
butwithusitisthemarkandsignofanunpracticedwriteroracloudyintellect，whereaswiththeGermansitisdoubtlessthemarkandsignofapracticedpenandofthepresenceofthatsortofluminousintellectualfogwhichstandsforclearnessamongthesepeople。
ForsurelyitisNOTclearness——itnecessarilycan'tbeclearness。Evenajurywouldhavepenetrationenoughtodiscoverthat。Awriter'sideasmustbeagooddealconfused，agooddealoutoflineandsequence，whenhestartsouttosaythatamanmetacounselor'swifeinthestreet，andthenrightinthemidstofthissosimpleundertakinghaltstheseapproachingpeopleandmakesthemstandstilluntilhejotsdownaninventoryofthewoman'sdress。Thatismanifestlyabsurd。
Itremindsapersonofthosedentistswhosecureyourinstantandbreathlessinterestinatoothbytakingagriponitwiththeforceps，andthenstandthereanddrawlthroughatediousanecdotebeforetheygivethedreadedjerk。
Parenthesesinliteratureanddentistryareinbadtaste。
TheGermanshaveanotherkindofparenthesis，whichtheymakebysplittingaverbintwoandputtinghalfofitatthebeginningofanexcitingchapterandtheOTHER
HALFattheendofit。Cananyoneconceiveofanythingmoreconfusingthanthat?Thesethingsarecalled"separableverbs。"TheGermangrammarisblisteredalloverwithseparableverbs；andthewiderthetwoportionsofoneofthemarespreadapart，thebettertheauthorofthecrimeispleasedwithhisperformance。
AfavoriteoneisREISTEAB——whichmeansdeparted。
HereisanexamplewhichIculledfromanovelandreducedtoEnglish:
"Thetrunksbeingnowready，heDE-afterkissinghismotherandsisters，andoncemorepressingtohisbosomhisadoredGretchen，who，dressedinsimplewhitemuslin，withasingletuberoseintheamplefoldsofherrichbrownhair，hadtotteredfeeblydownthestairs，stillpalefromtheterrorandexcitementofthepastevening，butlongingtolayherpoorachingheadyetonceagainuponthebreastofhimwhomshelovedmoredearlythanlifeitself，PARTED。"
However，itisnotwelltodwelltoomuchontheseparableverbs。Oneissuretolosehistemperearly；
andifhestickstothesubject，andwillnotbewarned，itwillatlasteithersoftenhisbrainorpetrifyit。
Personalpronounsandadjectivesareafruitfulnuisanceinthislanguage，andshouldhavebeenleftout。
Forinstance，thesamesound，SIE，meansYOU，anditmeansSHE，anditmeansHER，anditmeansIT，anditmeansTHEY，anditmeansTHEM。Thinkoftheraggedpovertyofalanguagewhichhastomakeoneworddotheworkofsix——andapoorlittleweakthingofonlythreelettersatthat。
Butmainly，thinkoftheexasperationofneverknowingwhichofthesemeaningsthespeakeristryingtoconvey。
Thisexplainswhy，wheneverapersonsaysSIEtome，Igenerallytrytokillhim，ifastranger。
NowobservetheAdjective。Herewasacasewheresimplicitywouldhavebeenanadvantage；therefore，fornootherreason，theinventorofthislanguagecomplicateditallhecould。
Whenwewishtospeakofour"goodfriendorfriends，"
inourenlightenedtongue，westicktotheoneformandhavenotroubleorhardfeelingaboutit；butwiththeGermantongueitisdifferent。WhenaGermangetshishandsonanadjective，hedeclinesit，andkeepsondecliningituntilthecommonsenseisalldeclinedoutofit。
ItisasbadasLatin。Hesays，forinstance:
SINGULAR
Nominative——MeingutERFreund，mygoodfriend。
Genitives——MeinESGutENFreundES，ofmygoodfriend。
Dative——MeinEMgutENFreund，tomygoodfriend。
Accusative——MeinENgutENFreund，mygoodfriend。
PLURAL
N——MeinEgutENFreundE，mygoodfriends。G——MeinERgutEN
FreundE，ofmygoodfriends。D——MeinENgutENFreundEN，tomygoodfriends。A——MeinEgutENFreundE，mygoodfriends。
Nowletthecandidatefortheasylumtrytomemorizethosevariations，andseehowsoonhewillbeelected。
OnemightbettergowithoutfriendsinGermanythantakeallthistroubleaboutthem。Ihaveshownwhatabotheritistodeclineagoodmalefriend；wellthisisonlyathirdofthework，forthereisavarietyofnewdistortionsoftheadjectivetobelearnedwhentheobjectisfeminine，andstillanotherwhentheobjectisneuter。
NowtherearemoreadjectivesinthislanguagethanthereareblackcatsinSwitzerland，andtheymustallbeaselaboratelydeclinedastheexamplesabovesuggested。
Difficult?——troublesome?——thesewordscannotdescribeit。
IheardaCalifornianstudentinHeidelbergsay，inoneofhiscalmestmoods，thathewouldratherdeclinetwodrinksthanoneGermanadjective。
Theinventorofthelanguageseemstohavetakenpleasureincomplicatingitineverywayhecouldthinkof。
Forinstance，ifoneiscasuallyreferringtoahouse，HAUS，orahorse，PFERD，oradog，HUND，hespellsthesewordsasIhaveindicated；butifheisreferringtothemintheDativecase，hesticksonafoolishandunnecessaryEandspellsthemHAUSE，PFERDE，HUNDE。So，asanaddedEoftensignifiestheplural，astheSdoeswithus，thenewstudentislikelytogoonforamonthmakingtwinsoutofaDativedogbeforehediscovershismistake；
andontheotherhand，manyanewstudentwhocouldillaffordloss，hasboughtandpaidfortwodogsandonlygotoneofthem，becauseheignorantlyboughtthatdogintheDativesingularwhenhereallysupposedhewastalkingplural——whichleftthelawontheseller'sside，ofcourse，bythestrictrulesofgrammar，andthereforeasuitforrecoverycouldnotlie。
InGerman，alltheNounsbeginwithacapitalletter。
Nowthatisagoodidea；andagoodidea，inthislanguage，isnecessarilyconspicuousfromitslonesomeness。Iconsiderthiscapitalizingofnounsagoodidea，becausebyreasonofityouarealmostalwaysabletotellanountheminuteyouseeit。Youfallintoerroroccasionally，becauseyoumistakethenameofapersonforthenameofathing，andwasteagooddealoftimetryingtodigameaningoutofit。Germannamesalmostalwaysdomeansomething，andthishelpstodeceivethestudent。Itranslatedapassageoneday，whichsaidthat"theinfuriatedtigressbrokelooseandutterlyateuptheunfortunatefirforest"
Tannenwald。WhenIwasgirdingupmyloinstodoubtthis，IfoundoutthatTannenwaldinthisinstancewasaman'sname。
Everynounhasagender，andthereisnosenseorsysteminthedistribution；sothegenderofeachmustbelearnedseparatelyandbyheart。Thereisnootherway。
Todothisonehastohaveamemorylikeamemorandum-book。
InGerman，ayoungladyhasnosex，whileaturniphas。
Thinkwhatoverwroughtreverencethatshowsfortheturnip，andwhatcallousdisrespectforthegirl。Seehowitlooksinprint——ItranslatethisfromaconversationinoneofthebestoftheGermanSunday-schoolbooks:
"Gretchen。Wilhelm，whereistheturnip?
"Wilhelm。Shehasgonetothekitchen。
"Gretchen。WhereistheaccomplishedandbeautifulEnglishmaiden?
Wilhelm。Ithasgonetotheopera。"
TocontinuewiththeGermangenders:atreeismale，itsbudsarefemale，itsleavesareneuter；horsesaresexless，dogsaremale，catsarefemale——tomcatsincluded，ofcourse；
aperson'smouth，neck，bosom，elbows，fingers，nails，feet，andbodyareofthemalesex，andhisheadismaleorneuteraccordingtothewordselectedtosignifyit，andNOTaccordingtothesexoftheindividualwhowearsit——forinGermanyallthewomeneithermaleheadsorsexlessones；aperson'snose，lips，shoulders，breast，hands，andtoesareofthefemalesex；andhishair，ears，eyes，chin，legs，knees，heart，andconsciencehaven'tanysexatall。Theinventorofthelanguageprobablygotwhatheknewaboutaconsciencefromhearsay。
Now，bytheabovedissection，thereaderwillseethatinGermanyamanmayTHINKheisaman，butwhenhecomestolookintothematterclosely，heisboundtohavehisdoubts；
hefindsthatinsobertruthheisamostridiculousmixture；
andifheendsbytryingtocomforthimselfwiththethoughtthathecanatleastdependonathirdofthismessasbeingmanlyandmasculine，thehumiliatingsecondthoughtwillquicklyremindhimthatinthisrespectheisnobetteroffthananywomanorcowintheland。
IntheGermanitistruethatbysomeoversightoftheinventorofthelanguage，aWomanisafemale；butaWifeWeib
isnot——whichisunfortunate。AWife，here，hasnosex；
sheisneuter；so，accordingtothegrammar，afishisHE，hisscalesareSHE，butafishwifeisneither。
Todescribeawifeassexlessmaybecalledunder-description；
thatisbadenough，butover-descriptionissurelyworse。
AGermanspeaksofanEnglishmanastheENGLA"NDER；tochangethesex，headdsINN，andthatstandsforEnglishwoman——
ENGLA"NDERINN。Thatseemsdescriptiveenough，butstillitisnotexactenoughforaGerman；soheprecedesthewordwiththatarticlewhichindicatesthatthecreaturetofollowisfeminine，andwritesitdownthus:"dieEngla"nderinn，"——whichmeans"theshe-Englishwoman。"
Iconsiderthatthatpersonisover-described。
Well，afterthestudenthaslearnedthesexofagreatnumberofnouns，heisstillinadifficulty，becausehefindsitimpossibletopersuadehistonguetorefertothingsas"he"and"she，"and"him"and"her，"whichithasbeenalwaysaccustomedtorefertoitas"it。"
WhenheevenframesaGermansentenceinhismind，withthehimsandhersintherightplaces，andthenworksuphiscouragetotheutterance-point，itisnouse——
themomenthebeginstospeakhistonguefilesthetrackandallthoselaboredmalesandfemalescomeoutas"its。"
AndevenwhenheisreadingGermantohimself，healwayscallsthosethings"it，"whereasheoughttoreadinthisway:
TALEOFTHEFISHWIFEANDITSSADFATE[2]
2。Icapitalizethenouns，intheGermanandancientEnglishfashion。
ItisableakDay。HeartheRain，howhepours，andtheHail，howherattles；andseetheSnow，howhedriftsalong，andoftheMud，howdeepheis!AhthepoorFishwife，itisstuckfastintheMire；ithasdroppeditsBasketofFishes；anditsHandshavebeencutbytheScalesasitseizedsomeofthefallingCreatures；andoneScalehasevengotintoitsEye。anditcannotgetherout。
ItopensitsMouthtocryforHelp；butifanySoundcomesoutofhim，alasheisdrownedbytheragingoftheStorm。
AndnowaTomcathasgotoneoftheFishesandshewillsurelyescapewithhim。No，shebitesoffaFin，sheholdsherinherMouth——willsheswallowher?No，theFishwife'sbraveMother-dogdesertshisPuppiesandrescuestheFin——whichheeats，himself，ashisReward。
O，horror，theLightninghasstrucktheFish-basket；
hesetshimonFire；seetheFlame，howshelicksthedoomedUtensilwithherredandangryTongue；nowsheattacksthehelplessFishwife'sFoot——sheburnshimup，allbutthebigToe，andevenSHEispartlyconsumed；
andstillshespreads，stillshewavesherfieryTongues；
sheattackstheFishwife'sLeganddestroysIT；sheattacksitsHandanddestroysHERalso；sheattackstheFishwife'sLeganddestroysHERalso；sheattacksitsBodyandconsumesHIM；
shewreathesherselfaboutitsHeartandITisconsumed；
nextaboutitsBreast，andinaMomentSHEisaCinder；
nowshereachesitsNeck——Hegoes；nowitsChin——
ITgoes；nowitsNose——SHEgoes。InanotherMoment，exceptHelpcome，theFishwifewillbenomore。
Timepresses——istherenonetosuccorandsave?Yes!Joy，joy，withflyingFeettheshe-Englishwomancomes!Butalas，thegenerousshe-Femaleistoolate:wherenowisthefatedFishwife?IthasceasedfromitsSufferings，ithasgonetoabetterLand；allthatisleftofitforitslovedOnestolamentover，isthispoorsmolderingAsh-heap。Ah，woeful，woefulAsh-heap!Letustakehimuptenderly，reverently，uponthelowlyShovel，andbearhimtohislongRest，withthePrayerthatwhenherisesagainitwillbeaRealmwherehewillhaveonegoodsquareresponsibleSex，andhaveitalltohimself，insteadofhavinga-KanbaAPp点com-mangylotofassortedSexesscatteredalloverhiminSpots——
There，now，thereadercanseeforhimselfthatthispronounbusinessisaveryawkwardthingfortheunaccustomedtongue。
Isupposethatinalllanguagesthesimilaritiesoflookandsoundbetweenwordswhichhavenosimilarityinmeaningareafruitfulsourceofperplexitytotheforeigner。
Itissoinourtongue，anditisnotablythecaseintheGerman。NowthereisthattroublesomewordVERMA"HLT:
tomeithassoclosearesemblance——eitherrealorfancied——tothreeorfourotherwords，thatIneverknowwhetheritmeansdespised，painted，suspected，ormarried；
untilIlookinthedictionary，andthenIfinditmeansthelatter。Therearelotsofsuchwordsandtheyareagreattorment。ToincreasethedifficultytherearewordswhichSEEMtoresembleeachother，andyetdonot；
buttheymakejustasmuchtroubleasiftheydid。
Forinstance，thereisthewordVERMIETHENtolet，tolease，tohire；andthewordVERHEIRATHENanotherwayofsayingtomarry。IheardofanEnglishmanwhoknockedataman'sdoorinHeidelbergandproposed，inthebestGermanhecouldcommand，to"verheirathen"thathouse。
Thentherearesomewordswhichmeanonethingwhenyouemphasizethefirstsyllable，butmeansomethingverydifferentifyouthrowtheemphasisonthelastsyllable。
Forinstance，thereisawordwhichmeansarunaway，ortheactofglancingthroughabook，accordingtotheplacingoftheemphasis；andanotherwordwhichsignifiestoASSOCIATEwithaman，ortoAVOIDhim，accordingtowhereyouputtheemphasis——andyoucangenerallydependonputtingitinthewrongplaceandgettingintotrouble。
Therearesomeexceedinglyusefulwordsinthislanguage。
SCHLAG，forexample；andZUG。Therearethree-quartersofacolumnofSCHLAGSinthedictonary，andacolumnandahalfofZUGS。ThewordSCHLAGmeansBlow，Stroke，Dash，Hit，Shock，Clap，Slap，Time，Bar，Coin，Stamp，Kind，Sort，Manner，Way，Apoplexy，Wood-cutting，Enclosure，Field，Forest-clearing。ThisisitssimpleandEXACT
meaning——thatistosay，itsrestricted，itsfetteredmeaning；
buttherearewaysbywhichyoucansetitfree，sothatitcansoaraway，asonthewingsofthemorning，andneverbeatrest。Youcanhanganywordyoupleasetoitstail，andmakeitmeananythingyouwantto。
YoucanbeginwithSCHLAG-ADER，whichmeansartery，andyoucanhangonthewholedictionary，wordbyword，clearthroughthealphabettoSCHLAG-WASSER，whichmeansbilge-water——andincludingSCHLAG-MUTTER，whichmeansmother-in-law。
JustthesamewithZUG。Strictlyspeaking，ZUGmeansPull，Tug，Draught，Procession，March，Progress，Flight，Direction，Expedition，Train，Caravan，Passage，Stroke，Touch，Line，Flourish，TraitofCharacter，Feature，Lineament，Chess-move，Organ-stop，Team，Whiff，Bias，Drawer，Propensity，Inhalation，Disposition:butthatthingwhichitdoesNOTmean——whenallitslegitimatepennantshavebeenhungon，hasnotbeendiscoveredyet。
OnecannotoverestimatetheusefulnessofSCHLAGandZUG。
Armedjustwiththesetwo，andthewordALSO，whatcannottheforeigneronGermansoilaccomplish?TheGermanwordALSOistheequivalentoftheEnglishphrase"Youknow，"
anddoesnotmeananythingatall——inTALK，thoughitsometimesdoesinprint。EverytimeaGermanopenshismouthanALSOfallsout；andeverytimeheshutsithebitesoneintwothatwastryingtoGETout。
Now，theforeigner，equippedwiththesethreenoblewords，ismasterofthesituation。Lethimtalkrightalong，fearlessly；lethimpourhisindifferentGermanforth，andwhenhelacksforaword，lethimheaveaSCHLAGintothevacuum；allthechancesarethatitfitsitlikeaplug，butifitdoesn'tlethimpromptlyheaveaZUGafterit；
thetwotogethercanhardlyfailtobungthehole；butif，byamiracle，theySHOULDfail，lethimsimplysayALSO!
andthiswillgivehimamoment'schancetothinkoftheneedfulword。InGermany，whenyouloadyourconversationalgunitisalwaysbesttothrowinaSCHLAGortwoandaZUG
ortwo，becauseitdoesn'tmakeanydifferencehowmuchtherestofthechargemayscatter，youareboundtobagsomethingwithTHEM。ThenyoublandlysayALSO，andloadupagain。NothinggivessuchanairofgraceandeleganceandunconstrainttoaGermanoranEnglishconversationastoscatteritfullof"Also's"or"Youknows。"
Inmynote-bookIfindthisentry:
July1——Inthehospitalyesterday，awordofthirteensyllableswassuccessfullyremovedfromapatient——aNorthGermanfromnearHamburg；butasmostunfortunatelythesurgeonshadopenedhiminthewrongplace，undertheimpressionthathecontainedapanorama，hedied。
Thesadeventhascastagloomoverthewholecommunity。
Thatparagraphfurnishesatextforafewremarksaboutoneofthemostcuriousandnotablefeaturesofmysubject——thelengthofGermanwords。SomeGermanwordsaresolongthattheyhaveaperspective。Observetheseexamples:
Freundschaftsbezeigungen。
Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten。
Stadtverordnetenversammlungen。
Thesethingsarenotwords，theyarealphabeticalprocessions。
Andtheyarenotrare；onecanopenaGermannewspaperatanytimeandseethemmarchingmajesticallyacrossthepage——andifhehasanyimaginationhecanseethebannersandhearthemusic，too。Theyimpartamartialthrilltothemeekestsubject。Itakeagreatinterestinthesecuriosities。WheneverIcomeacrossagoodone，Istuffitandputitinmymuseum。
InthiswayIhavemadequiteavaluablecollection。
WhenIgetduplicates，Iexchangewithothercollectors，andthusincreasethevarietyofmystock。HereraresomespecimenswhichIlatelyboughtatanauctionsaleoftheeffectsofabankruptbric-a-brachunter:
Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen。
Alterthumswissenschaften。
Kinderbewahrungsanstalten。
Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen。
Wiedererstellungbestrebungen。
Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen。
Ofcoursewhenoneofthesegrandmountainrangesgoesstretchingacrosstheprintedpage，itadornsandennoblesthatliterarylandscape——butatthesametimeitisagreatdistresstothenewstudent，foritblocksuphisway；
hecannotcrawlunderit，orclimboverit，ortunnelthroughit。Soheresortstothedictionaryforhelp，butthereisnohelpthere。Thedictionarymustdrawthelinesomewhere——soitleavesthissortofwordsout。
Anditisright，becausetheselongthingsarehardlylegitimatewords，butarerathercombinationsofwords，andtheinventorofthemoughttohavebeenkilled。
Theyarecompoundwordswiththehyphensleftout。
Thevariouswordsusedinbuildingthemareinthedictionary，butinaveryscatteredcondition；soyoucanhuntthematerialsout，onebyone，andgetatthemeaningatlast，butitisatediousandharassingbusiness。
Ihavetriedthisprocessuponsomeoftheaboveexamples。
"Freundshaftsbezeigungen"seemstobe"Friendshipdemonstrations，"
whichisonlyafoolishandclumsywayofsaying"demonstrationsoffriendship。""Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen"seemstobe"Independencedeclarations，"whichisnoimprovementupon"DeclarationsofIndependence，"sofarasIcansee。
"Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen"seemstobe"General-statesrepresentativesmeetings，"asnearlyasI
cangetatit——amererhythmical，gushyeuphuismfor"meetingsofthelegislature，"Ijudge。Weusedtohaveagooddealofthissortofcrimeinourliterature，butithasgoneoutnow。Weusedtospeakofathingsasa"never-to-be-forgotten"circumstance，insteadofcrampingitintothesimpleandsufficientword"memorable"andthengoingcalmlyaboutourbusinessasifnothinghadhappened。
Inthosedayswewerenotcontenttoembalmthethingandburyitdecently，wewantedtobuildamonumentoverit。
Butinournewspapersthecompounding-diseaselingersalittletothepresentday，butwiththehyphensleftout，intheGermanfashion。Thisistheshapeittakes:
insteadofsaying"Mr。Simmons，clerkofthecountyanddistrictcourts，wasintownyesterday，"thenewformputitthus:"ClerkoftheCountyandDistrictCourtsSimmonswasintownyesterday。"Thissavesneithertimenorink，andhasanawkwardsoundbesides。Oneoftenseesaremarklikethisinourpapers:"MRS。AssistantDistrictAttorneyJohnsonreturnedtohercityresidenceyesterdayfortheseason。"