Richoldfarmer，namedHuss。Hasinheritedgreatwealthofmanure，andbydiligencehasaddedtoit。Itisdouble-starredinBaedeker。[1]TheBlackforestartistpaintsit——hismasterpiece。Thekingcomestoseeit。
GretchenHuss，daughterandheiress。PaulHoch，youngneighbor，suitorforGretchen'shand——ostensibly；
hereallywantsthemanure。Hochhasagoodmanycart-loadsoftheBlackForestcurrencyhimself，andthereforeisagoodcatch；butheissordid，mean，andwithoutsentiment，whereasGretchenisallsentimentandpoetry。
HansSchmidt，youngneighbor，fullofsentiment，fullofpoetry，lovesGretchen，Gretchenloveshim。
Buthehasnomanure。OldHussforbidshiminthehouse。
Hisheartbreaks，hegoesawaytodieinthewoods，farfromthecruelworld——forhesays，bitterly，"Whatisman，withoutmanure?"
1。WhenBaedeker'sguide-booksmentionathingandputtwostars**afterit，itmeanswellworthvisiting。
M。T。
[Intervalofsixmonths。]
PaulHochcomestooldHussandsays，"Iamatlastasrichasyourequired——comeandviewthepile。"
OldHussviewsitandsays，"Itissufficient——takeherandbehappy，"——meaningGretchen。
[Intervaloftwoweeks。]
WeddingpartyassembledinoldHuss'sdrawing-room。Hochplacidandcontent，Gretchenweepingoverherhardfate。
EnteroldHuss'sheadbookkeeper。Husssaysfiercely，"Igaveyouthreeweekstofindoutwhyyourbooksdon'tbalance，andtoprovethatyouarenotadefaulter；
thetimeisup——findmethemissingpropertyoryougotoprisonasathief。"Bookkeeper:"Ihavefoundit。"
"Where?"Bookkeepersternly——tragically:"Inthebridegroom'spile!——beholdthethief——seehimblenchandtremble!"
[Sensation。]PaulHoch:Lost，lost!"——fallsoverthecowinaswoonandishandcuffed。Gretchen:"Saved!"Fallsoverthecalfinaswoonofjoy，butiscaughtinthearmsofHansSchmidt，whospringsinatthatmoment。OldHuss:
"What，youhere，varlet?Unhandthemaidandquittheplace。"
Hansstillsupportingtheinsensiblegirl:"Never!Crueloldman，knowthatIcomewithclaimswhichevenyoucannotdespise。"
Huss:"What，YOU?namethem。"
Hans:"Listenthen。Theworldhasforsakenme，Iforsooktheworld，Iwanderedinthesolitudeoftheforest，longingfordeathbutfindingnone。Ifeduponroots，andinmybitternessIdugforthebitterest，loathingthesweeterkind。Digging，threedaysagone，Istruckamanuremine!——aGolconda，alimitlessBonanza，ofsolidmanure!IcanbuyyouALL，andhavemountainrangesofmanureleft!Ha-ha，NOWthousmilestasmile!"
[Immensesensation。]Exhibitionofspecimensfromthemine。
OldHussenthusiastically:"Wakeherup，shakeherup，nobleyoungman，sheisyours!"Weddingtakesplaceonthespot；bookkeeperrestoredtohisofficeandemoluments；
PaulHochledofftojail。TheBonanzakingoftheBlackForestlivestoagoodoldage，blessedwiththeloveofhiswifeandofhistwenty-sevenchildren，andthestillsweeterenvyofeverybodyaround。
WetookournoonmealoffriedtroutonedayatthePlowInn，inaveryprettyvillageOttenho"fen，andthenwentintothepublicroomtorestandsmoke。TherewefoundnineortenBlackForestgrandeesassembledaroundatable。
TheyweretheCommonCounciloftheparish。Theyhadgatheredthereateighto'clockthatmorningtoelectanewmember，andtheyhadnowbeendrinkingbeerfourhoursatthenewmember'sexpense。Theyweremenoffiftyorsixtyyearsofage，withgravegood-naturesfaces，andwerealldressedinthecostumemadefamiliartousbytheBlackForeststories；broad，round-toppedblackfelthatswiththebrimscurledupallround；longredwaistcoatswithlargemetalbuttons，blackalpacacoatswiththewaistsupbetweentheshoulders。Therewerenospeeches，therewasbutlittletalk，therewerenofrivolities；
theCouncilfilledthemselvesgradually，steadily，butsurely，withbeer，andconductedthemselveswithsedatedecorum，asbecamemenofposition，menofinfluence，menofmanure。
Wehadahotafternoontrampupthevalley，alongthegrassybankofarushingstreamofclearwater，pastfarmhouses，water-mills，andnoendofwaysidecrucifixesandsaintsandVirgins。Thesecrucifixes，etc。，aresetupinmemoryofdepartedfriends，bysurvivors，andarealmostasfrequentastelegraph-polesareinotherlands。
Wefollowedthecarriage-road，andhadourusualluck；
wetraveledunderabeatingsun，andalwayssawtheshadeleavetheshadyplacesbeforewecouldgettothem。
Inallourwanderingsweseldommanagedtostrikeapieceofroadatitstimeforbeingshady。Wehadaparticularlyhottimeofitonthatparticularafternoon，andwithnocomfortbutwhatwecouldgetoutofthefactthatthepeasantsatworkawayuponthesteepmountainsidesaboveourheadswereevenworseoffthanwewere。
Byandbyitbecameimpossibletoenduretheintolerableglareandheatanylonger；sowestruckacrosstheravineandenteredthedeepcooltwilightoftheforest，tohuntforwhattheguide-bookcalledthe"oldroad。"
Wefoundanoldroad，anditprovedeventuallytobetherightone，thoughwefolloweditatthetimewiththeconvictionthatitwasthewrongone。Ifitwasthewrongonetherecouldbenouseinhurrying；thereforewedidnothurry，butsatdownfrequentlyonthesoftmossandenjoyedtherestfulquietandshadeoftheforestsolitudes。
Therehadbeendistractionsinthecarriage-road——
school-children，peasants，wagons，troopsofpedestrianizingstudentsfromalloverGermany——
butwehadtheoldroadtoourselves。
Nowandthen，whilewerested，wewatchedthelaboriousantathiswork。Ifoundnothingnewinhim——certainlynothingtochangemyopinionofhim。Itseemstomethatinthematterofintellecttheantmustbeastrangelyoverratedbird。Duringmanysummers，now，Ihavewatchedhim，whenIoughttohavebeeninbetterbusiness，andIhavenotyetcomeacrossalivingantthatseemedtohaveanymoresensethanadeadone。Irefertotheordinaryant，ofcourse；IhavehadnoexperienceofthosewonderfulSwissandAfricanoneswhichvote，keepdrilledarmies，holdslaves，anddisputeaboutreligion。Thoseparticularantsmaybeallthatthenaturalistpaintsthem，butIampersuadedthattheaverageantisasham。
Iadmithisindustry，ofcourse；heisthehardest-workingcreatureintheworld——whenanybodyislooking——buthisleather-headednessisthepointImakeagainsthim。
Hegoesoutforaging，hemakesacapture，andthenwhatdoeshedo?Gohome?No——hegoesanywherebuthome。
Hedoesn'tknowwherehomeis。Hishomemaybeonlythreefeetaway——nomatter，hecan'tfindit。Hemakeshiscapture，asIhavesaid；itisgenerallysomethingwhichcanbeofnosortofusetohimselforanybodyelse；
itisusuallyseventimesbiggerthanitoughttobe；
hehuntsouttheawkwardestplacetotakeholdofit；
heliftsitbodilyupintheairbymainforce，andstarts；
nottowardhome，butintheoppositedirection；notcalmlyandwisely，butwithafrantichastewhichiswastefulofhisstrength；hefetchesupagainstapebble，andinsteadofgoingaroundit，heclimbsoveritbackwarddragginghisbootyafterhim，tumblesdownontheotherside，jumpsupinapassion，kicksthedustoffhisclothes，moistenshishands，grabshispropertyviciously，yanksitthisway，thenthat，shovesitaheadofhimamoment，turnstailandlugsitafterhimanothermoment，getsmadderandmadder，thenpresentlyhoistsitintotheairandgoestearingawayinanentirelynewdirection；comestoaweed；
itneveroccurstohimtogoaroundit；no，hemustclimbit；
andhedoesclimbit，dragginghisworthlesspropertytothetop——whichisasbrightathingtodoasitwouldbeformetocarryasackofflourfromHeidelbergtoParisbywayofStrasburgsteeple；whenhegetsuptherehefindsthatthatisnottheplace；takesacursoryglanceatthesceneryandeitherclimbsdownagainortumblesdown，andstartsoffoncemore——asusual，inanewdirection。
Attheendofhalfanhour，hefetchesupwithinsixinchesoftheplacehestartedfromandlayshisburdendown；
meantimeheasbeenoverallthegroundfortwoyardsaround，andclimbedalltheweedsandpebbleshecameacross。
Nowhewipesthesweatfromhisbrow，strokeshislimbs，andthenmarchesaimlesslyoff，inasviolentlyahurryasever。Hedoesnotremembertohaveeverseenitbefore；
helooksaroundtoseewhichisnotthewayhome，grabshisbundleandstarts；hegoesthroughthesameadventureshehadbefore；finallystopstorest，andafriendcomesalong。
Evidentlythefriendremarksthatalastyear'sgrasshopperlegisaverynobleacquisition，andinquireswherehegotit。Evidentlytheproprietordoesnotrememberexactlywherehedidgetit，butthinkshegotit"aroundheresomewhere。"Evidentlythefriendcontractstohelphimfreightithome。Then，withajudgmentpeculiarlyanticpunnotintended，thentakeholdofoppositeendsofthatgrasshopperlegandbegintotugwithalltheirmightinoppositedirections。Presentlytheytakearestandconfertogether。Theydecidethatsomethingiswrong，theycan'tmakeoutwhat。Thentheygoatitagain，justasbefore。Sameresult。Mutualrecriminationsfollow。
Evidentlyeachaccusestheotherofbeinganobstructionist。
Theylockthemselvestogetherandcheweachother'sjawsforawhile；thentheyrollandtumbleonthegroundtillonelosesahornoralegandhastohauloffforrepairs。
Theymakeupandgotoworkagaininthesameoldinsaneway，butthecrippledantisatadisadvantage；tugashemay，theotheronedragsoffthebootyandhimattheendofit。
Insteadofgivingup，hehangson，andgetshisshinsbruisedagainsteveryobstructionthatcomesintheway。
Byandby，whenthatgrasshopperleghasbeendraggedalloverthesameoldgroundoncemore，itisfinallydumpedataboutthespotwhereitoriginallylay，thetwoperspiringantsinspectitthoughtfullyanddecidethatdriedgrasshopperlegsareapoorsortofpropertyafterall，andtheneachstartsoffinadifferentdirectiontoseeifhecan'tfindanoldnailorsomethingelsethatisheavyenoughtoaffordentertainmentandatthesametimevaluelessenoughtomakeanantwanttoownit。
ThereintheBlackForest，onthemountainside，Isawanantgothroughwithsuchaperformanceasthiswithadeadspideroffullytentimeshisownweight。
Thespiderwasnotquitedead，buttoofargonetoresist。
Hehadaroundbodythesizeofapea。Thelittleant——
observingthatIwasnoticing——turnedhimonhisback，sunkhisfangsintohisthroat，liftedhimintotheairandstartedvigorouslyoffwithhim，stumblingoverlittlepebbles，steppingonthespider'slegsandtrippinghimselfup，dragginghimbackward，shovinghimbodilyahead，dragginghimupstonessixincheshighinsteadofgoingaroundthem，climbingweedstwentytimeshisownheightandjumpingfromtheirsummits——andfinallyleavinghiminthemiddleoftheroadtobeconfiscatedbyanyotherfoolofanantthatwantedhim。Imeasuredthegroundwhichthisasstraversed，andarrivedattheconclusionthatwhathehadaccomplishedinsideoftwentyminuteswouldconstitutesomesuchjobasthis——relativelyspeaking——foraman；
towit:tostraptwoeight-hundred-poundhorsestogether，carrythemeighteenhundredfeet，mainlyovernotaround
bouldersaveragingsixfeethigh，andinthecourseofthejourneyclimbupandjumpfromthetopofoneprecipicelikeNiagara，andthreesteeples，eachahundredandtwentyfeethigh；andthenputthehorsesdown，inanexposedplace，withoutanybodytowatchthem，andgoofftoindulgeinsomeotheridioticmiracleforvanity'ssake。
Sciencehasrecentlydiscoveredthattheantdoesnotlayupanythingforwinteruse。Thiswillknockhimoutofliterature，tosomeextent。Hedoesnotwork，exceptwhenpeoplearelooking，andonlythenwhentheobserverhasagreen，naturalisticlook，andseemstobetakingnotes。Thisamountstodeception，andwillinjurehimfortheSunday-schools。Hehasnotjudgmentenoughtoknowwhatisgoodtoeatfromwhatisn't。Thisamountstoignorance，andwillimpairtheworld'srespectforhim。
Hecannotstrollaroundastumpandfindhiswayhomeagain。
Thisamountstoidiocy，andoncethedamagingfactisestablished，thoughtfulpeoplewillceasetolookuptohim，thesentimentalwillceasetofondlehim。
Hisvauntedindustryisbutavanityandofnoeffect，sincehenevergetshomewithanythinghestartswith。
Thisdisposesofthelastremnantofhisreputationandwhollydestroyshismainusefulnessasamoralagent，sinceitwillmakethesluggardhesitatetogotohimanymore。Itisstrange，beyondcomprehension，thatsomanifestahumbugastheanthasbeenabletofoolsomanynationsandkeepitupsomanyageswithoutbeingfoundout。
Theantisstrong，butwesawanotherstrongthing，wherewehadnotsuspectedthepresenceofmuchmuscularpowerbefore。Atoadstool——thatvegetablewhichspringstofullgrowthinasinglenight——hadtornlooseandliftedamattedmassofpineneedlesanddirtoftwiceitsownbulkintotheair，andsupporteditthere，likeacolumnsupportingashed。Tenthousandtoadstools，withtherightpurchase，couldliftaman，Isuppose。
Butwhatgoodwoulditdo?
Allourafternoon'sprogresshadbeenuphill。Aboutfiveorhalfpastwereachedthesummit，andallofasuddenthedensecurtainoftheforestpartedandwelookeddownintoadeepandbeautifulgorgeandoutoverawidepanoramaofwoodedmountainswiththeirsummitsshininginthesunandtheirglade-furrowedsidesdimmedwithpurpleshade。Thegorgeunderourfeet——calledAllerheiligen——affordedroominthegrassylevelatitsheadforacozyanddelightfulhumannest，shutawayfromtheworldanditsbotherations，andconsequentlythemonksoftheoldtimeshadnotfailedtospyitout；
andherewerethebrownandcomelyruinsoftheirchurchandconventtoprovethatpriestshadasfineaninstinctsevenhundredyearsagoinferretingoutthechoicestnooksandcornersinalandaspriestshavetoday。
Abighotelcrowdstheruinsalittle，now，anddrivesabrisktradewithsummertourists。Wedescendedintothegorgeandhadasupperwhichwouldhavebeenverysatisfactoryifthetrouthadnotbeenboiled。
TheGermansareprettysuretoboilatroutoranythingelseiflefttotheirowndevices。ThisisanargumentofsomevalueinsupportofthetheorythattheyweretheoriginalcolonistsofthewildislandsofthecoastofScotland。Aschoonerladenwithorangeswaswreckedupononeofthoseislandsafewyearsago，andthegentlesavagesrenderedthecaptainsuchwillingassistancethathegavethemasmanyorangesastheywanted。
Nextdayheaskedthemhowtheylikedthem。Theyshooktheirheadsandsaid:
"Baked，theyweretough；andevenboiled，theywarn'tthingsforahungrymantohankerafter。"
Wewentdowntheglenaftersupper。Itisbeautiful——amixtureofsylvanlovelinessandcraggywildness。
Alimpidtorrentgoeswhistlingdowntheglen，andtowardthefootofitwindsthroughanarrowcleftbetweenloftyprecipicesandhurlsitselfoverasuccessionoffalls。
Afteronepassesthelastofthesehehasabackwardglimpseatthefallswhichisverypleasing——theyriseinaseven-steppedstairwayoffoamyandglitteringcascades，andmakeapicturewhichisascharmingasitisunusual。
CHAPTERXXIII
[NicodemusDodgeandtheSkeleton]
WeweresatisfiedthatwecouldwalktoOppenauinoneday，nowthatwewereinpractice；sowesetoutthenextmorningafterbreakfastdeterminedtodoit。
Itwasallthewaydownhill，andwehadtheloveliestsummerweatherforit。Sowesetthepedometerandthenstretchedawayonaneasy，regularstride，downthroughtheclovenforest，drawinginthefragrantbreathofthemorningindeeprefreshingdraughts，andwishingwemightneverhaveanythingtodoforeverbutwalktoOppenauandkeepondoingitandthendoingitoveragain。
Now，thetruecharmofpedestrianismdoesnotlieinthewalking，orinthescenery，butinthetalking。
Thewalkingisgoodtotimethemovementofthetongueby，andtokeepthebloodandthebrainstirredupandactive；
thesceneryandthewoodsysmellsaregoodtobearinuponamananunconsciousandunobtrusivecharmandsolacetoeyeandsoulandsense；butthesupremepleasurecomesfromthetalk。Itisnomatterwhetheronetalkswisdomornonsense，thecaseisthesame，thebulkoftheenjoymentliesinthewaggingofthegladsomejawandtheflappingofthesympatheticear。
Andwhatmotleyvarietyofsubjectsacoupleofpeoplewillcasuallyrakeoverinthecourseofaday'stramp!Therebeingnoconstraint，achangeofsubjectisalwaysinorder，andsoabodyisnotlikelytokeeppeggingatasingletopicuntilitgrowstiresome。Wediscussedeverythingweknew，duringthefirstfifteenortwentyminutes，thatmorning，andthenbranchedoutintotheglad，free，boundlessrealmofthethingswewerenotcertainabout。
Harrissaidthatifthebestwriterintheworldoncegottheslovenlyhabitofdoublinguphis"haves"hecouldnevergetridofitwhilehelived。Thatistosay，ifamangetsthehabitofsaying"Ishouldhavelikedtohaveknownmoreaboutit"insteadofsayingsimplyandsensibly，"Ishouldhavelikedtoknowmoreaboutit，"
thatman'sdiseaseisincurable。HarrissaidthathissortoflapseistobefoundineverycopyofeverynewspaperthathaseverbeenprintedinEnglish，andinalmostallofourbooks。HesaidhehadobserveditinKirkham'sgrammarandinMacaulay。Harrisbelievedthatmilk-teetharecommonerinmen'smouthsthanthose"doubled-uphaves。"[1]
1。IdonotknowthattherehavenotbeenmomentsinthecourseofthepresentsessionwhenIshouldhavebeenverygladtohaveacceptedtheproposalofmynoblefriend，andtohaveexchangedpartsinsomeofoureveningsofwork——[FromaSpeechoftheEnglishChancelloroftheExchequer，August，1879。]
Thatchangedthesubjecttodentistry。IsaidIbelievedtheaveragemandreadedtooth-pullingmorethanamputation，andthathewouldyellquickerundertheformeroperationthanhewouldunderthelatter。ThephilosopherHarrissaidthattheaveragemanwouldnotyellineithercaseifhehadanaudience。Thenhecontinued:
"WhenourbrigadefirstwentintocamponthePotomac，weusedtobebroughtupstanding，occasionally，byanear-splittinghowlofanguish。Thatmeantthatasoldierwasgettingatoothpulledinatent。Butthesurgeonssoonchangedthat；theyinstitutedopen-airdentistry。
Thereneverwasahowlafterward——thatis，fromthemanwhowashavingthetoothpulled。Atthedailydentalhourtherewouldalwaysbeaboutfivehundredsoldiersgatheredtogetherintheneighborhoodofthatdentalchairwaitingtoseetheperformance——andhelp；andthemomentthesurgeontookagriponthecandidate'stoothandbegantolift，everyoneofthosefivehundredrascalswouldclaphishandtohisjawandbegintohoparoundononelegandhowlwithallthelungshehad!Itwasenoughtoraiseyourhairtohearthatvariegatedandenormousunanimouscaterwaulburstout!Withsobigandsoderisiveanaudienceasthat，asufferwouldn'temitasoundthoughyoupulledhisheadoff。Thesurgeonssaidthatprettyoftenapatientwascompelledtolaugh，inthemidstofhispangs，butthathadnevercaughtonecryingout，aftertheopen-airexhibitionwasinstituted。"
Dentalsurgeonssuggesteddoctors，doctorssuggesteddeath，deathsuggestedskeletons——andso，byalogicalprocesstheconversationmeltedoutofoneofthesesubjectsandintothenext，untilthetopicofskeletonsraisedupNicodemusDodgeoutofthedeepgraveinmymemorywherehehadlainburiedandforgottenfortwenty-fiveyears。
WhenIwasaboyinaprinting-officeinMissouri，aloose-jointed，long-legged，tow-headed，jeans-cladcountrifiedcubofaboutsixteenloungedinoneday，andwithoutremovinghishandsfromthedepthsofhistrouserspocketsortakingoffhisfadedruinofaslouchhat，whosebrokenrimhunglimpandraggedabouthiseyesandearslikeabug-eatencabbageleaf，staredindifferentlyaround，thenleanedhishipagainsttheeditor'stable，crossedhismightybrogans，aimedatadistantflyfromacreviceinhisupperteeth，laidhimlow，andsaidwithcomposure:
"Whar'stheboss?"
"Iamtheboss，"saidtheeditor，followingthiscuriousbitofarchitecturewonderinglyalonguptoitsclock-facewithhiseye。
"Don'twantanybodyfurtolearnthebusiness，'tain'tlikely?"
"Well，Idon'tknow。Wouldyouliketolearnit?"
"Pap'ssopo'hecain'trunmenomo'，soIwanttogitashowsomersifIkin，'taintnodiffuncewhat——I'mstrongandhearty，andIdon'tturnmybackonnokindofwork，hardnursoft。"
"Doyouthinkyouwouldliketolearntheprintingbusiness?"
"Well，Idon'tre'lyk'yeradurnwhatIDOlearn，so'sIgitachancefurtomakemyway。I'djistassoonlearnprint'n'sanything。"
"Canyouread?"
"Yes——middlin'。"
"Write?"
"Well，I'veseedpeoplecouldlayovermethar。"
"Cipher?"
"Notgoodenoughtokeepstore，Idon'treckon，butupasfurastwelve-times-twelveIain'tnoslouch。
'Tothersideofthatiswhatgitsme。"
"Whereisyourhome?"
"I'mf'moldShelby。"
"What'syourfather'sreligiousdenomination?"
"Him?Oh，he'sablacksmith。"
"No，no——Idon'tmeanhistrade。What'shisRELIGIOUS
DENOMINATION?"
"OH——Ididn'tunderstandyoubefo'。He'saFreemason。"
"No，no，youdon'tgetmymeaningyet。WhatImeanis，doeshebelongtoanyCHURCH?"
"NOWyou'retalkin'!Couldn'tmakeoutwhatyouwasa-tryin'
togitthroughyo'headnoway。B'longtoaCHURCH!Why，boss，he'sbenthepizenestkindofFree-willBabtis'
forfortyyear。Theyain'tnopizenerones'nwhatHEis。
Mightygoodman，papis。Everybodysaysthat。Iftheysaidanydiffrunttheywouldn'tsayitwhar_I_wuz——
notMUCHtheywouldn't。"
"Whatisyourownreligion?"
"Well，boss，you'vekindo'gotme，there——andyityouhain'tgotmesomightymuch，nuther。Ithink'tifafellerhe'psanotherfellerwhenhe'sintrouble，anddon'tcuss，anddon'tdonomeanthings，nurnoth'n'
heain'nobusinesstodo，anddon'tspelltheSaviour'snamewithalittleg，heain'trunnin'noresks——he'saboutassaiftasheb'longedtoachurch。"
"Butsupposehedidspellitwithalittleg——whatthen?"
"Well，ifhedoneita-purpose，Ireckonhewouldn'tstandnochance——heOUGHTN'Ttohavenochance，anyway，I'mmostrottencertain'boutthat。"
"Whatisyourname?"
"NicodemusDodge。"
"Ithinkmaybeyou'lldo，Nicodemus。We'llgiveyouatrial，anyway。"
"Allright。"
"Whenwouldyouliketobegin?"
"Now。"
So，withintenminutesafterwehadfirstglimpsedthisnondescripthewasoneofus，andwithhiscoatoffandhardatit。
Beyondthatendofourestablishmentwhichwasfurthestfromthestreet，wasadesertedgarden，pathless，andthicklygrownwiththebloomyandvillainous"jimpson"
weedanditscommonfriendthestatelysunflower。
Inthemidstofthismournfulspotwasadecayedandagedlittle"frame"housewithbutoneroom，onewindow，andnoceiling——ithadbeenasmoke-houseagenerationbefore。
Nicodemuswasgiventhislonelyandghostlydenasabedchamber。
ThevillagesmartiesrecognizedatreasureinNicodemus，rightaway——abutttoplayjokeson。Itwaseasytoseethathewasinconceivablygreenandconfiding。GeorgeJoneshadthegloryofperpetratingthefirstjokeonhim；
hegavehimacigarwithafirecrackerinitandwinkedtothecrowdtocome；thethingexplodedpresentlyandsweptawaythebulkofNicodemus'seyebrowsandeyelashes。
Hesimplysaid:
"Iconsiderthemkindofseeg'yarsdangersome，"——andseemedtosuspectnothing。ThenexteveningNicodemuswaylaidGeorgeandpouredabucketofice-wateroverhim。
Oneday，whileNicodemuswasinswimming，TomMcElroy"tied"hisclothes。NicodemusmadeabonfireofTom'sbywayofretaliation。
AthirdjokewasplayeduponNicodemusadayortwolater——hewalkedupthemiddleaisleofthevillagechurch，Sundaynight，withastaringhandbillpinnedbetweenhisshoulders。
Thejokerspenttheremainderofthenight，afterchurch，inthecellarofadesertedhouse，andNicodemussatonthecellardoortilltowardbreakfast-timetomakesurethattheprisonerrememberedthatifanynoisewasmade，someroughtreatmentwouldbetheconsequence。Thecellarhadtwofeetofstagnantwaterinit，andwasbottomedwithsixinchesofsoftmud。
ButIwanderfromthepoint。Itwasthesubjectofskeletonsthatbroughtthisboybacktomyrecollection。
Beforeaverylongtimehadelapsed，thevillagesmartiesbegantofeelanuncomfortableconsciousnessofnothavingmadeaveryshiningsuccessoutoftheirattemptsonthesimpletonfrom"oldShelby。"Experimentersgrewscarceandchary。Nowtheyoungdoctorcametotherescue。
TherewasdelightandapplausewhenheproposedtoscareNicodemustodeath，andexplainedhowhewasgoingtodoit。
Hehadanoblenewskeleton——theskeletonofthelateandonlylocalcelebrity，JimmyFinn，thevillagedrunkard——agrislypieceofpropertywhichhehadboughtofJimmyFinnhimself，atauction，forfiftydollars，undergreatcompetition，whenJimmylayverysickinthetan-yardafortnightbeforehisdeath。Thefiftydollarshadgonepromptlyforwhiskeyandhadconsiderablyhurriedupthechangeofownershipintheskeleton。
ThedoctorwouldputJimmyFinn'sskeletoninNicodemus'sbed!
Thiswasdone——abouthalfpasttenintheevening。
AboutNicodemus'susualbedtime——midnight——thevillagejokerscamecreepingstealthilythroughthejimpsonweedsandsunflowerstowardthelonelyframeden。
Theyreachedthewindowandpeepedin。Theresatthelong-leggedpauper，onhisbed，inaveryshortshirt，andnothingmore；hewasdanglinghislegscontentedlybackandforth，andwheezingthemusicof"CamptownRaces"
outofapaper-overlaidcombwhichhewaspressingagainsthismouth；byhimlayanewjewsharp，anewtop，andsolidindia-rubberball，ahandfulofpaintedmarbles，fivepoundsof"store"candy，andawell-gnawedslabofgingerbreadasbigandasthickasavolumeofsheet-music。
Hehadsoldtheskeletontoatravelingquackforthreedollarsandwasenjoyingtheresult!
Justaswehadfinishedtalkingaboutskeletonsandweredriftingintothesubjectoffossils，HarrisandIheardashout，andglancedupthesteephillside。Wesawmenandwomenstandingawayuptherelookingfrightened，andtherewasabulkyobjecttumblingandflounderingdownthesteepslopetowardus。Wegotoutoftheway，andwhentheobjectlandedintheroaditprovedtobeaboy。
Hehadtrippedandfallen，andtherewasnothingforhimtodobuttrusttoluckandtakewhatmightcome。
Whenonestartstorolldownaplacelikethat，thereisnostoppingtillthebottomisreached。ThinkofpeopleFARMINGonaslantwhichissosteepthatthebestyoucansayofit——ifyouwanttobefastidiouslyaccurate——is，thatitisalittlesteeperthanaladderandnotquitesosteepasamansardroof。Butthatiswhattheydo。
SomeofthelittlefarmsonthehillsideoppositeHeidelbergwerestoodup"edgeways。"Theboywaswonderfullyjoltedup，andhisheadwasbleeding，fromcutswhichithadgotfromsmallstonesontheway。
HarrisandIgatheredhimupandsethimonastone，andbythattimethemenandwomenhadscampereddownandbroughthiscap。
Men，women，andchildrenflockedoutfromneighboringcottagesandjoinedthecrowd；thepaleboywaspetted，andstaredat，andcommiserated，andwaterwasbroughtforhimtodrinkandbathehisbruisesin。
Andsuchanotherclatteroftongues!Allwhohadseenthecatastropheweredescribingitatonce，andeachtryingtotalklouderthanhisneighbor；andoneyouthofasuperiorgeniusranalittlewayupthehill，calledattention，tripped，fell，rolleddownamongus，andthustriumphantlyshowedexactlyhowthethinghadbeendone。
HarrisandIwereincludedinallthedescriptions；
howwewerecomingalong；howHansGrossshouted；
howwelookedupstartled；howwesawPetercominglikeacannon-shot；howjudiciouslywegotoutoftheway，andlethimcome；andwithwhatpresenceofmindwepickedhimupandbrushedhimoffandsethimonarockwhentheperformancewasover。Wewereasmuchheroesasanybodyelse，exceptPeter，andweresorecognized；
weweretakenwithPeterandthepopulacetoPeter'smother'scottage，andthereweatebreadandcheese，anddrankmilkandbeerwitheverybody，andhadamostsociablegoodtime；andwhenweleftwehadahandshakeallaround，andwerereceivingandshoutingbackLEB'
WOHL'suntilaturnintheroadseparatedusfromourcordialandkindlynewfriendsforever。
Weaccomplishedourundertaking。AthalfpasteightintheeveningwesteppedintoOppenau，justelevenhoursandahalfoutofAllerheiligen——onehundredandforty-sixmiles。Thisisthedistancebypedometer；
theguide-bookandtheImperialOrdinancemapsmakeitonlytenandaquarter——asurprisingblunder，forthesetwoauthoritiesareusuallysingularlyaccurateinthematterofdistances。
CHAPTERXXIV
[IProtecttheEmpressofGermany]
Thatwasathoroughlysatisfactorywalk——andtheonlyonewewereevertohavewhichwasallthewaydownhill。
WetookthetrainnextmorningandreturnedtoBaden-Badenthroughfearfulfogsofdust。Everyseatwascrowded，too；
foritwasSunday，andconsequentlyeverybodywastakinga"pleasure"excursion。Hot!theskywasanoven——andasoundone，too，withnocracksinittoletinanyair。
Anoddtimeforapleasureexcursion，certainly!
Sundayisthegreatdayonthecontinent——thefreeday，thehappyday。OnecanbreaktheSabbathinahundredwayswithoutcommittinganysin。
WedonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit；
theGermansdonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit。WerestonSunday，becausethecommandmentrequiresit；theGermansrestonSundaybecausethecommandmentrequiresit。Butinthedefinitionoftheword"rest"liesallthedifference。Withus，itsSundaymeaningis，stayinthehouseandkeepstill；
withtheGermansitsSundayandweek-daymeaningsseemtobethesame——resttheTIREDPART，andnevermindtheotherpartsoftheframe；restthetiredpart，andusethemeansbestcalculatedtorestthatparticularpart。
Thus:Ifone'sdutieshavekepthiminthehousealltheweek，itwillresthimtobeoutonSunday；ifhisdutieshaverequiredhimtoreadweightyandseriousmatteralltheweek，itwillresthimtoreadlightmatteronSunday；
ifhisoccupationhasbusiedhimwithdeathandfuneralsalltheweek，itwillresthimtogotothetheaterSundaynightandputintwoorthreehourslaughingatacomedy；
ifheistiredwithdiggingditchesorfellingtreesalltheweek，itwillresthimtoliequietinthehouseonSunday；ifthehand，thearm，thebrain，thetongue，oranyothermember，isfatiguedwithinanition，itisnottoberestedbyaddedaday'sinanition；
butifamemberisfatiguedwithexertion，inanitionistherightrestforit。SuchisthewayinwhichtheGermansseemtodefinetheword"rest"；thatistosay，theyrestamemberbyrecreating，recuperating，restoreitsforces。
Butourdefinitionislessbroad。WeallrestalikeonSunday——bysecludingourselvesandkeepingstill，whetherthatisthesurestwaytorestthemostofusornot。TheGermansmaketheactors，thepreachers，etc。，workonSunday。Weencouragethepreachers，theeditors，theprinters，etc。，toworkonSunday，andimaginethatnoneofthesinofitfallsuponus；
butIdonotknowhowwearegoingtogetaroundthefactthatifitiswrongfortheprintertoworkathistradeonSundayitmustbeequallywrongforthepreachertoworkathis，sincethecommandmenthasmadenoexceptioninhisfavor。WebuyMondaymorning'spaperandreadit，andthusencourageSundayprinting。ButIshallneverdoitagain。
TheGermansremembertheSabbath-daytokeepitholy，byabstainingfromwork，ascommanded；wekeepitholybyabstainingfromwork，ascommanded，andbyalsoabstainingfromplay，whichisnotcommanded。
PerhapsweconstructivelyBREAKthecommandtorest，becausetherestingwedoisinmostcasesonlyaname，andnotafact。
Thesereasoningshavesufficed，inameasure，tomendtherentinmyconsciencewhichImadebytravelingtoBaden-BadenthatSunday。WearrivedintimetofurbishupandgettotheEnglishchurchbeforeservicesbegan。
Wearrivedinconsiderablestyle，too，forthelandlordhadorderedthefirstcarriagethatcouldbefound，sincetherewasnotimetolose，andourcoachmanwassosplendidlyliveriedthatwewereprobablymistakenforabraceofstraydukes；whyelsewerewehonoredwithapewalltoourselves，awayupamongtheveryelectattheleftofthechancel?Thatwasmyfirstthought。
Inthepewdirectlyinfrontofussatanelderlylady，plainlyandcheaplydressed；athersidesatayoungladywithaverysweetface，andshealsowasquitesimplydressed；butaroundusandaboutuswereclothesandjewelswhichitwoulddoanybody'sheartgoodtoworshipin。
Ithoughtitwasprettymanifestthattheelderlyladywasembarrassedatfindingherselfinsuchaconspicuousplacearrayedinsuchcheapapparel；Ibegantofeelsorryforherandtroubledabouther。Shetriedtoseemverybusywithherprayer-bookandherresponses，andunconsciousthatshewasoutofplace，butIsaidtomyself，"Sheisnotsucceeding——thereisadistressedtremulousnessinhervoicewhichbetraysincreasingembarrassment。"
PresentlytheSavior'snamewasmentioned，andinherflurryshelostherheadcompletely，androseandcourtesied，insteadofmakingaslightnodaseverybodyelsedid。
ThesympatheticbloodsurgedtomytemplesandIturnedandgavethosefinebirdswhatIintendedtobeabeseechinglook，butmyfeelingsgotthebetterofmeandchangeditintoalookwhichsaid，"Ifanyofyoupetsoffortunelaughatthispoorsoul，youwilldeservetobeflayedforit。"
Thingswentfrombadtoworse，andIshortlyfoundmyselfmentallytakingtheunfriendedladyundermyprotection。
Mymindwaswhollyuponher。Iforgotallaboutthesermon。
Herembarrassmenttookstrongerandstrongerholduponher；
shegottosnappingthelidofhersmelling-bottle——itmadealoud，sharpsound，butinhertroubleshesnappedandsnappedaway，unconsciousofwhatshewasdoing。
Thelastextremitywasreachedwhenthecollection-platebeganitsrounds；themoderatepeoplethrewinpennies，thenoblesandtherichcontributedsilver，butshelaidatwenty-markgoldpieceuponthebook-restbeforeherwithasoundingslap!Isaidtomyself，"Shehaspartedwithallherlittlehoardtobuytheconsiderationoftheseunpityingpeople——itisasorrowfulspectacle。"Ididnotventuretolookaroundthistime；butastheserviceclosed，Isaidtomyself，"Letthemlaugh，itistheiropportunity；
butatthedoorofthischurchtheyshallseeherstepintoourfinecarriagewithus，andourgaudycoachmanshalldriveherhome。"
Thensherose——andallthecongregationstoodwhileshewalkeddowntheaisle。ShewastheEmpressofGermany!
No——shehadnotbeensomuchembarrassedasIhadsupposed。
Myimaginationhadgotstartedonthewrongscent，andthatisalwayshopeless；oneissure，then，togostraightonmisinterpretingeverything，clearthroughtotheend。
TheyoungladywithherimperialMajestywasamaidofhonor——andIhadbeentakingherforoneofherboarders，allthetime。
ThisistheonlytimeIhaveeverhadanEmpressundermypersonalprotection；andconsideringmyinexperience，IwonderIgotthroughwithitsowell。IshouldhavebeenalittleembarrassedmyselfifIhadknownearlierwhatsortofacontractIhadonmyhands。
WefoundthattheEmpresshadbeeninBaden-Badenseveraldays。ItissaidthatsheneverattendsanybuttheEnglishformofchurchservice。
Ilayabedandreadandrestedfrommyjourney'sfatiguestheremainderofthatSunday，butIsentmyagenttorepresentmeattheafternoonservice，forIneverallowanythingtointerferewithmyhabitofattendingchurchtwiceeverySunday。
Therewasavastcrowdinthepublicgroundsthatnighttohearthebandplaythe"Fremersberg。"Thispiecetellsoneoftheoldlegendsoftheregion；howagreatnobleoftheMiddleAgesgotlostinthemountains，andwanderedaboutwithhisdogsinaviolentstorm，untilatlastthefainttonesofamonasterybell，callingthemonkstoamidnightservice，caughthisear，andhefollowedthedirectionthesoundscamefromandwassaved。
Abeautifulairranthroughthemusic，withoutceasing，sometimesloudandstrong，sometimessosoftthatitcouldhardlybedistinguished——butitwasalwaysthere；
itswunggrandlyalongthroughtheshrillwhistlingofthestorm-wind，therattlingpatteroftherain，andtheboomandcrashofthethunder；itwoundsoftandlowthroughthelessersounds，thedistantones，suchasthethrobbingoftheconventbell，themelodiouswindingofthehunter'shorn，thedistressedbayingsofhisdogs，andthesolemnchantingofthemonks；
itroseagain，withajubilantring，andmingleditselfwiththecountrysongsanddancesofthepeasantsassembledintheconventhalltocheeruptherescuedhuntsmanwhileheatehissupper。Theinstrumentsimitatedallthesesoundswithamarvelousexactness。Morethanonemanstartedtoraisehisumbrellawhenthestormburstforthandthesheetsofmimicraincamedrivingby；
itwashardlypossibletokeepfromputtingyourhandtoyourhatwhenthefiercewindbegantorageandshriek；
anditwasNOTpossibletorefrainfromstartingwhenthosesuddenandcharminglyrealthunder-crasheswereletloose。
Isupposethe"Fremersberg"isaverylow-grademusic；
Iknow，indeed，thatitMUSTbelow-grademusic，becauseitdelightedme，warmedme，movedme，stirredme，upliftedme，enrapturedme，thatIwasfullofcryallthetime，andmadwithenthusiasm。MysoulhadneverhadsuchascouringoutsinceIwasborn。Thesolemnandmajesticchantingofthemonkswasnotdonebyinstruments，butbymen'svoices；anditroseandfell，androseagaininthatrichconfusionofwarringsounds，andpulsingbells，andthestatelyswingofthatever-presentenchantingair，anditseemedtomethatnothingbuttheverylowestoflow-grademusicCOULDbesodivinelybeautiful。
Thegreatcrowdwhichthe"Fremersberg"hadcalledoutwasanotherevidencethatitwaslow-grademusic；foronlythefewareeducateduptoapointwherehigh-grademusicgivespleasure。Ihaveneverheardenoughclassicmusictobeabletoenjoyit。IdisliketheoperabecauseIwanttoloveitandcan't。
Isupposetherearetwokindsofmusic——onekindwhichonefeels，justasanoystermight，andanothersortwhichrequiresahigherfaculty，afacultywhichmustbeassistedanddevelopedbyteaching。Yetifbasemusicgivescertainofuswings，whyshouldwewantanyother?
Butwedo。Wewantitbecausethehigherandbetterlikeit。Wewantitwithoutgivingitthenecessarytimeandtrouble；soweclimbintothatuppertier，thatdress-circle，byalie；wePRETENDwelikeit。
Iknowseveralofthatsortofpeople——andIproposetobeoneofthemmyselfwhenIgethomewithmyfineEuropeaneducation。