PrefacePoorDearMammaTheWorldWithoutTheTentsofKedarWithAnyAmazementTheGardenofEdenFatimaTheValleyoftheShadowTheSwellingofJordanPrefaceToTHEADDRESSOF
　　CAPTAINJ。MAFFLIN，DukeofDerry's（Pink）Hussars。
　　DEARMAFFLIN，-YouwillrememberthatIwrotethisstoryasanAwfulWarning。NonethelessyouhaveseenfittodisregarditandhavefollowedGadsby'sexample——asIbettedyouwould。I
　　acknowledgethatyoupaidthemoneyatonce，butyouhaveprejudicedthemindofMrs。Mafflinagainstmyself，forthoughI
　　amalmosttheonlyrespectablefriendofyourbachelordays，shehasbeendarwazabandtomethroughouttheseason。Further，shecausedyoutoinvitemetodinnerattheClub，whereyoucalledme"awildassofthedesert，"andwenthomeathalf-pastten，afterdiscoursingfortwentyminutesontheresponsibilitiesofhousekeeping。Younowdriveamail-phaetonandsitunderaChurchofEnglandclergyman。Iamnotangry，Jack。Itisyourkismet，asitwasGaddy's，andhiskismetwhocanavoid？DonotthinkthatIammovedbyaspiritofrevengeasIwrite，thuspublicly，thatyouandyoualoneareresponsibleforthisbook。Inotherandmoreexpansivedays，whenyoucouldlookatamagnumwithoutflushingandatacherootwithoutturningwhite，yousuppliedmewithmostofthematerial。Takeitbackagain-wouldthatIcouldhavepreservedyourfatherlessspeechinthetelling-takeitback，andbyyourslipperedhearthreadittothelateMissDeercourt。Shewillnotbeanythemorewillingtoreceivemycards，butshewilladmireyouimmensely，andyou，Ifeelsure，willloveme。Youmayeveninvitemetoanotherverybaddinner-attheClub，which，asyouandyourwifeknow，isasafeneutralgroundfortheentertainmentofwildasses。Then，myverydearhypocrite，weshallbequits。
　　Yoursalways，RUDYARDKIPLING。
　　P。S-OnsecondthoughtsIshouldrecommendyoutokeepthebookawayfromMrs。Mafflin。
　　POORDEARMAMMA
　　Thewildhawktothewind-sweptsky，Thedeertothewholesomewold，Andtheheartofamantotheheartofamaid，Asitwasinthedaysofold。GypsySong。
　　SCENE-InteriorofMissMINNIETHREEGAN'SBedroomatSimla。MissTHREEGAN，inwindow-seat，turningoveradrawerfulofthings。MissEMMADEERCOURT，bosom-friend，whohascometospendtheday，sittingonthebed，manipulatingthebodiceofaballroomfrock，andabunchofartificialliliesofthevalley。Time，5:30P。M。onahotMayafternoon。
　　MissDEERCOURT。Andhesaid:"Ishallneverforgetthisdance，"and，ofcourse，Isaid:"Oh，howcanyoubesosilly！"Doyouthinkhemeantany-thing，dear？
　　MissTHREEGAN。（Extractinglonglavendersilkstockingfromtherubbish。）YouknowhimbetterthanIdo。
　　MissD。Oh，dobesympathetic，Minnie！I'msurehedoes。AtleastIwouldbesureifhewasn'talwaysridingwiththatodiousMrs。
　　Hagan。
　　MissT。Isupposeso。Howdoesonemanagetodancethroughone'sheelsfirst？Lookatthis-isn'titshameful？（Spreadsstocking-heelonopenhandforinspection。）
　　MissD。Nevermindthat！Youcan'tmendit。Helpmewiththishatefulbodice。I'verunthestringso，andI'verunthestringso，andIcan'tmakethefulnesscomeright。Wherewouldyouputthis？
　　（Wavesliliesofthevalley。）
　　MissT。Ashighupontheshoulderaspossible。
　　MissD。AmIquitetallenough？IknowitmakesMayOlderlooklopsided。
　　MissT。Yes，butMayhasn'tyourshoulders。Hersarelikeahock-bottle。
　　BEARER。（Rappingatdoor。）CaptainSahibaya。
　　MissD。（Jumpingupwildly，andhuntingforbodice，whichshehasdiscardedowingtotheheatoftheday。）CaptainSahib！WhatCaptainSahib？Oh，goodgracious，andI'monlyhalfdressed！
　　Well，Isha'n'tbother。
　　MissT。（Calmly。）Youneedn't。Itisn'tforus。That'sCaptainGadsby。HeisgoingforaridewithMamma。Hegenerallycomesfivedaysoutoftheseven。
　　AGONIZEDVOICE。（Promaninnerapartment。）Minnie，runoutandgiveCaptainGadsbysometea，andtellhimIshallbereadyintenminutes；and，OMinnie，cometomeaninstant，there'sadeargirl！
　　MissT。Oh，bother！（Aloud。）Verywell，Mamma。
　　Exit，andreappears，afterfiveminutes，flushed，andrubbingherfingers。
　　MissD。Youlookpink。Whathashappened？
　　MissT。（Inastagewhisper。）Atwenty-four-inchwaist，andshewon'tletitout。Wherearemybangles？（Rummageronthetoilet-table，anddabsatherhairwithabrushintheinterval。）
　　MissD。WhoisthisCaptainGadsby？Idon'tthinkI'vemethim。
　　MissT。Youmusthave。HebelongstotheHarrarset。I'vedancedwithhim，butI'venevertalkedtohim。He'sabigyellowman，justlikeanewly-hatchedchicken，withanenormousmoustache。Hewalkslikethis（imitatesCavalryswagger），andhegoes"Ha-Hmmm！"deepdowninhisthroatwhenhecan'tthinkofanythingtosay。Mammalikeshim。Idon't。
　　MissD。（Abstractedly。）Doeshewaxthatmoustache？
　　MissT。（BusywithPowder-puff。）Yes，Ithinkso。Why？
　　MissD。（Bendingoverthebodiceandsewingfuriously。）Oh，nothing-only-MissT。（Sternly。）Onlywhat？Outwithit，Emma。
　　MissD。Well，MayOlger-she'sengagedtoMr。Charteris，youknow-said-Promiseyouwon'trepeatthis？
　　MissT。Yes，Ipromise。Whatdidshesay？
　　MissD。That-thatbeingkissed（witharush）withamanwhodidn'twaxhismoustachewas-likeeatinganeggwithoutsalt。
　　MissT。（Atherfullheight，withcrushingscorn。）MayOlgerisahorrid，nastyThing，andyoucantellherIsaidso。I'mgladshedoesn'tbelongtomyset-Imustgoandfeedthisman！DoIlookpresentable？
　　MissD。Yes，perfectly。BequickandhandhimovertoyourMother，andthenwecantalk。Ishalllistenatthedoortohearwhatyousaytohim。
　　MissT。'SureIdon'tcare。I'mnotafraidofCaptainGadsby。
　　Inproofofthisswingsintothedrawing-roomwithamannishstridefollowedbytwoshortsteps，whichProducestheeffectofarestivehorseentering。MissesCAPTAINGADSBY，whoissittingintheshadowofthewindow-curtain，andgazesroundhelplessly。
　　CAPTAINGADSBY。（Aside。）Thefilly，byJove！'Mustha'
　　pickedupthatactionfromthesire。（Aloud，rising。）Goodevening，MissThreegan。
　　MissT。（Consciousthatsheisflushing。）Goodevening，CaptainGadsby。Mammatoldmetosaythatshewillbereadyinafewminutes。Won'tyouhavesometea？（Aside。）IhopeMammawillbequick。WhatamItosaytothecreature？（Aloudandabruptly。）
　　Milkandsugar？
　　CAPT。G。Nosugar，tha-anks，andverylittlemilk。Ha-Hmmm。
　　MissT。（Aside。）Ifhe'sgoingtodothat，I'mlost。Ishalllaugh。I
　　knowIshall！
　　CAPT。G。（Pullingathismoustacheandwatchingitsidewaysdownhisnose。）Ha-Hamm。（Aside。）'Wonderwhatthelittlebeastcantalkabout。'Mustmakeashotatit。
　　MissT。（Aside。）Oh，thisisagonizing。Imustsaysomething。
　　BothTogether。HaveyouBeen-CAPT。G。Ibegyourpardon。Youweregoingtosay-MissT。（Whohasbeenwatchingthemoustachewithawedfascination。）Won'tyouhavesomeeggs？
　　CAPT。G。（Lookingbewilderedlyatthetea-table。）Eggs！（Aside。）
　　OHades！Shemusthaveanursery-teaatthishour。S'posethey'vewipedhermouthandsenthertomewhiletheMotherisgettingonherduds。（Aloud。）No，thanks。
　　MissT。（Crimsonwithconfusion。）Oh！Ididn'tmeanthat。I
　　wasn'tthinkingofmou-eggsforaninstant。Imeansalt。Won'tyouhavesomesa-sweets？（Aside。）He'llthinkmearavinglunatic。I
　　wishMammawouldcome。
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）Itwasanursery-teaandshe'sashamedofit。ByJove！Shedoesn'tlookhalfbadwhenshecolorsuplikethat。
　　（Aloud，helpinghimselffromthedish。）HaveyouseenthosenewchocolatesatPeliti's？
　　MissT。No，Imadethesemyself。Whataretheylike？
　　CAPT。G。These！De-licious。（Aside。）Andthat'safact。
　　MissT。（Aside。）Oh，bother！he'llthinkI'mfishingforcompliments。（Aloud。）No，Peliti'sofcourse。
　　CAPT。G。（Enthusiastically。）Nottocomparewiththese。Howd'youmakethem？Ican'tgetmykhansamahtounderstandthesimplestthingbeyondmuttonandfowl。
　　MissT。Yes？I'mnotakhansamah，youknow。Perhapsyoufrightenhim。Youshouldneverfrightenaservant。Heloseshishead。It'sverybadpolicy。
　　CAPT。G。He'ssoawf'lystupid。
　　MissT。（FoldingherhandsinherZap。）Youshouldcallhimquietlyandsay:"Okhansamahjee！"
　　CAPT。G。（Gettinginterested。）Yes？（Aside。）Fancythatlittlefeatherweightsaying，"Okhansamahjee"tomybloodthirstyMirKhan！
　　MissTThenyoushouldexplainthedinner，dishbydish。
　　CAPT。G。ButIcan'tspeakthevernacular。
　　MissT。（Patronizingly。）YoushouldpasstheHigherStandardandtry。
　　CAPT。G。Ihave，butIdon'tseemtobeanythewiser。Areyou？
　　MissT。IneverpassedtheHigherStandard。Butthekhansamahisverypatientwithme。Hedoesn'tgetangrywhenItalkaboutsheep'stopees，orordermaundsofgrainwhenImeanseers。
　　CAPT。G。（Asidewithintenseindignation。）I'dliketoseeMirKhanbeingrudetothatgirl！Hullo！SteadytheBuffs！（Aloud。）
　　Anddoyouunderstandabouthorses，too？
　　MissT。Alittle-notverymuch。Ican'tdoctorthem，butIknowwhattheyoughttoeat，andIaminchargeofourstable。
　　CAPT。G。Indeed！Youmighthelpmethen。WhatoughtamantogivehissaisintheHills？Myruffiansayseightrupees，becauseeverythingissodear。
　　MissT。Sixrupeesamonth，andonerupeeSimlaallowance-
　　neithermorenorless。Andagrass-cutgetssixrupees。That'sbetterthanbuyinggrassinthebazar。
　　CAPT。G。（Admiringly。）Howdoyouknow？
　　MissT。Ihavetriedbothways。
　　CAPT。G。Doyouridemuch，then？I'veneverseenyouontheMall。
　　MissT。（Aside。）Ihaven'tpassedhimmorethanfiftytimes。
　　（Aloud。）Nearlyeveryday。
　　CAPT。G。ByJove！Ididn'tknowthat。Ha-Hamm（Pullsathismousacheandissilentforfortyseconds。）MissT。（Desperately，andwonderingwhatwillhappennext。）Itlooksbeautiful。I
　　shouldn'ttouchitifIwereyou。（Aside。）It'sallMamma'sfaultfornotcomingbefore。Iwillberude！
　　CAPT。G。（Bronzingunderthetanandbringingdownhishandveryquickly。）Eh！What-at！Oh，yes！Ha！Ha！（Laughsuneasily。）
　　（Aside。）Well，ofallthedashedcheek！Ineverhadawomansaythattomeyet。Shemustbeacoolhandorelse-Ah！thatnursery-tea！
　　VOICEPROMTHEUNKNOWN。Tchk！Tchk！Tchk！
　　CAPT。G。Goodgracious！What'sthat？
　　MissT。Thedog，Ithink。（Aside。）Emmahasbeenlistening，andI'llneverforgiveher！
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）Theydon'tkeepdogshere。（Aloud。）'Didn'tsoundlikeadog，didit？
　　MissT。Thenitmusthavebeenthecat。Let'sgointotheveranda。
　　Whatalovelyeveningitis！
　　Stepsintoverandaandlooksoutacrossthehillsintosunset。TheCAPTAINfollows。
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）Superbeyes！IwonderthatInevernoticedthembefore！（Aloud。）There'sgoingtoheadanceatViceregalLodgeonWednesday。Canyousparemeone？
　　MissT。（Shortly。）No！Idon'twantanyofyourcharity-dances。
　　YouonlyaskmebecauseMammatoldyouto。IhopandIbump。
　　YouknowIdo！
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）That'strue，butlittlegirlsshouldn'tunderstandthesethings。（Aloud。）No，onmyword，Idon't。Youdancebeautifully。
　　MissT。Thenwhydoyoualwaysstandoutafterhalfadozenturns？IthoughtofficersintheArmydidn'ttellfibs。
　　CAPT。G。Itwasn'tafib，believeme。Ireallydowantthepleasureofadancewithyou。
　　MissT。（Wickedly。）Why？Won'tMammadancewithyouanymore？
　　CAPT。G。（Moreearnestlythanthenecessitydemands。）Iwasn'tthinkingofyourMother。（Aside。）Youlittlevixen！
　　MissT。（Stilllookingoutofthewindow。）Eh？Oh，Ibegyourpardon。Iwasthinkingofsomethingelse。
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）Well！Iwonderwhatshe'llsaynext。I'veneverknownawomantreatmelikethisbefore。Imightbe——Dashit，I
　　mightbeanInfantrysubaltern！（Aloud。）Oh，pleasedon'ttrouble。
　　I'mnotworththinkingabout。Isn'tyourMotherreadyyet？
　　MissT。Ishouldthinkso；butpromiseme，CaptainGadsby，youwon'ttakepoordearMammatwiceroundJakkoanymore。Ittiresherso。
　　CAPT。G。Shesaysthatnoexercisetiresher。
　　MissT。Yes，butshesuffersafterward。Youdon'tknowwhatrheumatismis，andyououghtn'ttokeepheroutsolate，whenitgetschillintheevenings。
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）Rheumatism。Ithoughtshecameoffherhorseratherinabunch。Whew！Onelivesandlearns。（Aloud。）I'msorrytohearthat。Shehasn'tmentionedittome。
　　MissT。（Flurried。）Ofcoursenot！PoordearMammaneverwould。
　　Andyoumustn'tsaythatItoldyoueither。Promisemethatyouwon't。Oh，CAPTAINGadsby，promisemeyouwon'tI
　　CAPT。G。Iamdumb，or-Ishallbeassoonasyou'vegivenmethatdance，andanother-ifyoucantroubleyourselftothinkaboutmeforaminute。
　　MissT。Butyouwon'tlikeitonelittlebit。You'llbeawfullysorryafterward。
　　CAPT。G。Ishalllikeitaboveallthings，andIshallonlybesorrythatIdidn'tgetmore。（Aside。）NowwhatintheworldamI
　　saying？
　　MissT。Verywell。Youwillhaveonlyyourselftothankifyourtoesaretroddenon。ShallwesaySeven？
　　CAPT。G。AndEleven。（Aside。）Shecan'tbemorethaneightstone，but，eventhen，it'sanabsurdlysmallfoot。（Looksathisownridingboots。）
　　MissT。They'rebeautifullyshiny。Icanalmostseemyfaceinthem。
　　CAPT。G。IwasthinkingwhetherIshouldhavetogooncrutchesfortherestofmylifeifyoutrodonmytoes。
　　MissT。Verylikely。WhynotchangeElevenforasquare？
　　CAPT。G。No，please！Iwantthembothwaltzes。Won'tyouwritethemdown？
　　MissT。Jdon'tgetsomanydancesthatIshallconfusethem。Youwillbetheoffender。
　　CAPT。G。Waitandsee！（Aside。）Shedoesn'tdanceperfectly，perhaps，butMissT。Yourteamusthavegotcoldbythistime。Won'tyouhaveanothercup？
　　CAPT。G。No，thanks。Don'tyouthinkit'spleasanteroutintheveranda？（Aside。）Ineversawhairtakethatcolorinthesunshinebefore。（Aloud。）It'slikeoneofDicksee'spictures。
　　MissT。YesIIt'sawonderfulsunset，isn'tit？（Bluntly。）ButwhatdoyouknowaboutDicksee'spictures？
　　CAPT。G。IgoHomeoccasionally。AndIusedtoknowtheGalleries。（Nervously。）Youmustn'tthinkmeonlyaPhilistinewith-amoustache。
　　MissT。Don't！Pleasedon't。I'msosorryforwhatIsaidthen。Iwashorriblyrude。Itslippedoutbeforejthought。Don'tyouknowthetemptationtosayfrightfulandshockingthingsjustforthemeresakeofsayingthem？I'mafraidIgavewaytoit。
　　CAPT。G。（Watchingthegirlassheflushes。）IthinkIknowthefeeling。Itwouldbeterribleifweallyieldedtoit，wouldn'tit？Forinstance，Imightsay-POORDEARMAMMA。（Entering，habited，hatted，andbooted。）Ah，CaptainGadsby？'Sorrytokeepyouwaiting。'Hopeyouhaven'tbeenbored。'Mylittlegirlbeentalkingtoyou？
　　MissT。（Aside。）I'mnotsorryIspokeabouttherheumatism。I'mnot！I'mNOT！IonlywishedI'dmentionedthecornstoo。
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）Whatashame！Iwonderhowoldsheis。Itneveroccurredtomebefore。（Aloud。）We'vebeendiscussing"Shakespeareandthemusicalglasses"intheveranda。
　　MissT。（Aside。）Niceman！Heknowsthatquotation。Heisn'taPhilistinewithamoustache。（Aloud。）Good-bye，CaptainGadsby。
　　（Aside。）Whatahugehandandwhatasqueeze！Idon'tsupposehemeantit，buthehasdriventheringsintomyfingers。
　　POORDEARMAMMA。HasVermillioncomeroundyet？Oh，yes！CaptainGadsby，don'tyouthinkthatthesaddleistoofarforward？（Theypassintothefrontveranda。）
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）HowthedickensshouldIknowwhatsheprefers？Shetoldmethatshedotedonhorses。（Aloud。）Ithinkitis。
　　MissT。（Comingoutintofrontveranda。）Oh！BadBuldoo！I
　　mustspeaktohimforthis。Hehastakenupthecurbtwolinks，andVermillionbatesthat。（Passesoutandtohorse'shead。）
　　CAPT。G。Letmedoit！
　　Miss。T。No，Vermillionunderstandsme。Don'tyou，oldman？
　　（Loosescurb-chainskilfully，andpatshorseonnoseandthrottle。）
　　PoorVermillion！Didtheywanttocuthischinoff？There！
　　CaptainGadsbywatchestheinterludewithundisguisedadmiration。
　　POORDEARMAMMA。（TartlytoMissT。）You'veforgottenyourguest，Ithink，dear。
　　MissT。Goodgracious！SoIhave！Good-bye。（Retreatsindoorshastily。）
　　POORDEARMAMMA。（Bunchingreinsinfingershamperedbytootightgauntlets。）CAPTAINGadsby！
　　CAPTAINGADSBYstoopsandmakesthefoot-rest。POOR
　　DEARMAMMAblunders，haltstoolong，andbreaksthroughit。
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）Can'tholdupevenstoneforever。It'sallyourrheumatism。（Aloud。）Can'timaginewhyIwassoclumsy。
　　（Aside。）NowLittleFeatherweightwouldhavegoneuplikeabird。
　　Theyrideoatofthegarden。TheCaptainfallsback。
　　CAPT。G。（Aside。）Howthathabitcatchesherunderthearms！
　　Ugh！
　　POORDEARMAMMA。（Withthewornsmileofsixteenseasons，theworseforexchange。）You'redullthisafternoon，CAPTAINGadsby。
　　CAPT。G。（Spurringupwearily。）Whydidyoukeepmewaitingsolong？
　　Etcetera，etcetera，etcetera。
　　（ANINTERVALOFTHREEWEEKS。）
　　GILDEDYOUTH。（SittingonrailingsoppositeTownHall。）
　　Hullo，Gandy！'BeentrottingouttheGorgonzola！WeallthoughtitwastheGorganyou'remashing。
　　CAPT。G。（Withwitheringemphasis。）Youyoungcub！Whatthe-
　　doesitmattertoyou？
　　ProceedstoreadGILDEDYOUTHalectureondiscretionanddeportment，whichcrumbleslatterlikeaChineseLantern。Departsfuming。
　　（FURTHERINTERVALOFFIVEWEEKS。）SCENE-ExteriorofNewSimlaLibraryonafoggyevening。MissTHREECANandMissDEERCOURT
　　meetamongthe'rickshaws。MissT。iscarryingabundleofbooksunderherleftarm。
　　MissD。（Levelintonation。）Well？
　　Miss'I'。（Ascendingintonation。）Well？
　　MissD。（Capturingherfriend'sleftarm，takingawayallthebooks，placingbooksin'rickshaw，returningtoarm，securinghandbythirdfingerandinvestigating。）Well！Youbadgirl！Andyounevertoldme。
　　MissT。（Demurely。）He-he-heonlyspokeyesterdayafternoon。
　　MissD。Blessyou，dear！AndI'mtobebridesmaid，aren'tI？Youknowyoupromisedeversolongago。
　　MissT。Ofcourse。I'lltellyouallaboutitto-morrow。（Getsinto'rickshaw。）OEmma！
　　MissD。（Withintenseinterest。）Yes，dear？
　　MissT。（Piano。）It'squitetrue——about-the-egg。
　　MissD。Whategg？
　　MissT。（Pianissimoprestissimo。）Theeggwithoutthesalt。
　　（Porte。）Chalogharkojaldi，jhampani！（Gohome，jhampani。）