Ifwewait，ifwebaulktheissue，wedobuthangaboutthegatesinundignifieduneasiness。Thereitis，infrontofus，asinfrontofSappho，theillimitablespace。Thereintogoesthejourney。Havewenotthecouragetogoonwithourjourney，mustwecry`Idaren't'？Onaheadwewillgo，intodeath，andwhateverdeathmaymean。Ifamancanseethenextsteptobetaken，whyshouldhefearthenextbutone？Whyaskaboutthenextbutone？Ofthenextstepwearecertain。Itisthestepintodeath。
`Ishalldie——Ishallquicklydie，'saidUrsulatoherself，clearasifinatrance，clear，calm，andcertainbeyondhumancertainty。Butsomewherebehind，inthetwilight，therewasabitterweepingandahopelessness。
Thatmustnotbeattendedto。Onemustgowheretheunfalteringspiritgoes，theremustbenobaulkingtheissue，becauseoffear。Nobaulkingtheissue，nolisteningtothelesservoices。Ifthedeepestdesirebenow，togoonintotheunknownofdeath，shalloneforfeitthedeepesttruthforonemoreshallow？
`Thenletitend，'shesaidtoherself。Itwasadecision。Itwasnotaquestionoftakingone'slife——shewouldneverkillherself，thatwasrepulsiveandviolent。Itwasaquestionofknowingthenextstep。Andthenextstepledintothespaceofdeath。Didit？——orwasthere——？
Herthoughtsdriftedintounconsciousness，shesatasifasleepbesidethefire。Andthenthethoughtcameback。Thespaceo'death！Couldshegiveherselftoit？Ahyes——itwasasleep。ShehadhadenoughSolongshehadheldout;andresisted。Nowwasthetimetorelinquish，nottoresistanymore。
Inakindofspiritualtrance，sheyielded，shegaveway，andallwasdark。Shecouldfeel，withinthedarkness，theterribleassertionofherbody，theunutterableanguishofdissolution，theonlyanguishthatistoomuch，thefar—off，awfulnauseaofdissolutionsetinwithinthebody。
`Doesthebodycorrespondsoimmediatelywiththespirit？'sheaskedherself。Andsheknew，withtheclarityofultimateknowledge，thatthebodyisonlyoneofthemanifestationsofthespirit，thetransmutationoftheintegralspiritisthetransmutationofthephysicalbodyaswell。
UnlessIsetmywill，unlessIabsolvemyselffromtherhythmoflife，fixmyselfandremainstatic，cutofffromliving，absolvedwithinmyownwill。Butbetterdiethanlivemechanicallyalifethatisarepetitionofrepetitions。Todieistomoveonwiththeinvisible。Todieisalsoajoy，ajoyofsubmittingtothatwhichisgreaterthantheknown，namely，thepureunknown。Thatisajoy。Buttolivemechanisedandcutoffwithinthemotionofthewill，toliveasanentityabsolvedfromtheunknown，thatisshamefulandignominious。Thereisnoignominyindeath。Thereiscompleteignominyinanunreplenished，mechanisedlife。Lifeindeedmaybeignominious，shamefultothesoul。Butdeathisneverashame。Deathitself，liketheillimitablespace，isbeyondoursullying。
TomorrowwasMonday。Monday，thebeginningofanotherschool—week！Anothershameful，barrenschool—week，mereroutineandmechanicalactivity。Wasnottheadventureofdeathinfinitelypreferable？Wasnotdeathinfinitelymorelovelyandnoblethansuchalife？Alifeofbarrenroutine，withoutinnermeaning，withoutanyrealsignificance。Howsordidlifewas，howitwasaterribleshametothesoul，tolivenow！Howmuchcleanerandmoredignifiedtobedead！Onecouldnotbearanymoreofthisshameofsordidroutineandmechanicalnullity。Onemightcometofruitindeath。
Shehadhadenough。Forwherewaslifetobefound？Noflowersgrowuponbusymachinery，thereisnoskytoaroutine，thereisnospacetoarotarymotion。Andalllifewasarotarymotion，mechanised，cutofffromreality。
Therewasnothingtolookforfromlife——itwasthesameinallcountriesandallpeoples。Theonlywindowwasdeath。Onecouldlookoutontothegreatdarkskyofdeathwithelation，asonehadlookedoutoftheclassroomwindowasachild，andseenperfectfreedomintheoutside。Nowonewasnotachild，andoneknewthatthesoulwasaprisonerwithinthissordidvastedificeoflife，andtherewasnoescape，saveindeath。
Butwhatajoy！Whatagladnesstothinkthatwhateverhumanitydid，itcouldnotseizeholdofthekingdomofdeath，tonullifythat。Theseatheyturnedintoamurderousalleyandasoiledroadofcommerce，disputedlikethedirtylandofacityeveryinchofit。Theairtheyclaimedtoo，shareditup，parcelleditouttocertainowners，theytrespassedintheairtofightforit。Everythingwasgone，walledin，withspikesontopofthewalls，andonemustignominiouslycreepbetweenthespikywallsthroughalabyrinthoflife。
Butthegreat，dark，illimitablekingdomofdeath，therehumanitywasputtoscorn。Somuchtheycoulddouponearth，themultifariouslittlegodsthattheywere。Butthekingdomofdeathputthemalltoscorn，theydwindledintotheirtruevulgarsillinessinfaceofit。
Howbeautiful，howgrandandperfectdeathwas，howgoodtolookforwardto。Thereonewouldwashoffalltheliesandignominyanddirtthathadbeenputupononehere，aperfectbathofcleannessandgladrefreshment，andgounknown，unquestioned，unabased。Afterall，onewasrich，ifonlyinthepromiseofperfectdeath。Itwasagladnessaboveall，thatthisremainedtolookforwardto，thepureinhumanothernessofdeath。
Whateverlifemightbe，itcouldnottakeawaydeath，theinhumantranscendentdeath。Oh，letusasknoquestionofit，whatitisorisnot。Toknowishuman，andindeathwedonotknow，wearenothuman。Andthejoyofthiscompensatesforallthebitternessofknowledgeandthesordidnessofourhumanity。Indeathweshallnotbehuman，andweshallnotknow。
Thepromiseofthisisourheritage，welookforwardlikeheirstotheirmajority。
Ursulasatquitestillandquiteforgotten，alonebythefireinthedrawing—room。Thechildrenwereplayinginthekitchen，alltheothersweregonetochurch。Andshewasgoneintotheultimatedarknessofherownsoul。
Shewasstartledbyhearingthebellring，awayinthekitchen，thechildrencamescuddingalongthepassageindeliciousalarm。
`Ursula，there'ssomebody。'
`Iknow。Don'tbesilly，'shereplied。Shetoowasstartled，almostfrightened。Shedaredhardlygotothedoor。
Birkinstoodonthethreshold，hisrain—coatturneduptohisears。
Hehadcomenow，nowshewasgonefaraway。Shewasawareoftherainynightbehindhim。
`Ohisityou？'shesaid。
`Iamgladyouareathome，'hesaidinalowvoice，enteringthehouse。
`Theyareallgonetochurch。'
Hetookoffhiscoatandhungitup。Thechildrenwerepeepingathimroundthecorner。
`Goandgetundressednow，BillyandDora，'saidUrsula。`Motherwillbebacksoon，andshe'llbedisappointedifyou'renotinbed。'
Thechildren，inasuddenangelicmood，retiredwithoutaword。BirkinandUrsulawentintothedrawing—room。
Thefireburnedlow。Helookedatherandwonderedattheluminousdelicacyofherbeauty，andthewideshiningofhereyes。Hewatchedfromadistance，withwonderinhisheart，sheseemedtransfiguredwithlight。
`Whathaveyoubeendoingallday？'heaskedher。
`Onlysittingabout，'shesaid。
Helookedather。Therewasachangeinher。Butshewasseparatefromhim。Sheremainedapart，inakindofbrightness。Theybothsatsilentinthesoftlightofthelamp。Hefeltheoughttogoawayagain，heoughtnottohavecome。Stillhedidnotgatherenoughresolutiontomove。Buthewasdetrop，hermoodwasabsentandseparate。
Thentherecamethevoicesofthetwochildrencallingshylyoutsidethedoor，softly，withself—excitedtimidity:
`Ursula！Ursula！'
Sheroseandopenedthedoor。Onthethresholdstoodthetwochildrenintheirlongnightgowns，withwide—eyed，angelicfaces。Theywerebeingverygoodforthemoment，playingtheroleperfectlyoftwoobedientchildren。
`Shallyoutakeustobed！'saidBilly，inaloudwhisper。
`Whyyouareangelstonight，'shesaidsoftly。`Won'tyoucomeandsaygood—nighttoMrBirkin？'
Thechildrenmergedshylyintotheroom，onbarefeet。Billy'sfacewaswideandgrinning，buttherewasagreatsolemnityofbeinggoodinhisroundblueeyes。Dora，peepingfromtheflossofherfairhair，hungbacklikesometinyDryad，thathasnosoul。
`Willyousaygood—nighttome？'askedBirkin，inavoicethatwasstrangelysoftandsmooth。Doradriftedawayatonce，likealeafliftedonabreathofwind。ButBillywentsoftlyforward，slowandwilling，liftinghispinched—upmouthimplicitlytobekissed。Ursulawatchedthefull，gatheredlipsofthemangentlytouchthoseoftheboy，sogently。ThenBirkinliftedhisfingersandtouchedtheboy'sround，confidingcheek，withafainttouchoflove。Neitherspoke。Billyseemedangeliclikeacherubboy，orlikeanacolyte，Birkinwasatall，graveangellookingdowntohim。
`Areyougoingtobekissed？'Ursulabrokein，speakingtothelittlegirl。ButDoraedgedawaylikeatinyDryadthatwillnotbetouched。
`Won'tyousaygood—nighttoMrBirkin？Go，he'swaitingforyou，'saidUrsula。Butthegirl—childonlymadealittlemotionawayfromhim。
`SillyDora，sillyDora！'saidUrsula。
Birkinfeltsomemistrustandantagonisminthesmallchild。Hecouldnotunderstandit。
`Comethen，'saidUrsula。`Letusgobeforemothercomes。'
`Who'llhearussayourprayers？'askedBillyanxiously。
`Whomyoulike。'
`Won'tyou？'
`Yes，Iwill。'
`Ursula？'
`WellBilly？'
`Isitwhomyoulike？'
`That'sit。'
`Wellwhatiswhom？'
`It'stheaccusativeofwho。'
Therewasamoment'scontemplativesilence，thentheconfiding:
`Isit？'
Birkinsmiledtohimselfashesatbythefire。WhenUrsulacamedownhesatmotionless，withhisarmsonhisknees。Shesawhim，howhewasmotionlessandageless，likesomecrouchingidol，someimageofadeathlyreligion。Helookedroundather，andhisface，verypaleandunreal，seemedtogleamwithawhitenessalmostphosphorescent。
`Don'tyoufeelwell？'sheasked，inindefinablerepulsion。
`Ihadn'tthoughtaboutit。'
`Butdon'tyouknowwithoutthinkingaboutit？'
Helookedather，hiseyesdarkandswift，andhesawherrevulsion。
Hedidnotanswerherquestion。
`Don'tyouknowwhetheryouareunwellornot，withoutthinkingaboutit？'shepersisted。
`Notalways，'hesaidcoldly。
`Butdon'tyouthinkthat'sverywicked？'
`Wicked？'
`Yes。Ithinkit'scriminaltohavesolittleconnectionwithyourownbodythatyoudon'tevenknowwhenyouareill。'
Helookedatherdarkly。
`Yes，'hesaid。
`Whydon'tyoustayinbedwhenyouareseedy？Youlookperfectlyghastly。'
`Offensivelyso？'heaskedironically。
`Yes，quiteoffensive。Quiterepelling。'
`Ah！！Wellthat'sunfortunate。'
`Andit'sraining，andit'sahorriblenight。Really，youshouldn'tbeforgivenfortreatingyourbodylikeit——yououghttosuffer，amanwhotakesaslittlenoticeofhisbodyasthat。'
`——takesaslittlenoticeofhisbodyasthat，'heechoedmechanically。
Thiscuthershort，andtherewassilence。
Theotherscameinfromchurch，andthetwohadthegirlstoface，thenthemotherandGudrun，andthenthefatherandtheboy。
`Good—evening，'saidBrangwen，faintlysurprised。`Cametoseeme，didyou？'
`No，'saidBirkin，`notaboutanything，inparticular，thatis。Thedaywasdismal，andIthoughtyouwouldn'tmindifIcalledin。'
`Ithasbeenadepressingday，'saidMrsBrangwensympathetically。
Atthatmomentthevoicesofthechildrenwereheardcallingfromupstairs:
`Mother！Mother！'Sheliftedherfaceandansweredmildlyintothedistance:
`Ishallcomeuptoyouinaminute，Doysie。'ThentoBirkin:`ThereisnothingfreshatShortlands，Isuppose？Ah，'shesighed，`no，poorthings，Ishouldthinknot。'
`You'vebeenovertheretoday，Isuppose？'askedthefather。
`Geraldcameroundtoteawithme，andIwalkedbackwithhim。Thehouseisoverexcitedandunwholesome，Ithought。'
`Ishouldthinktheywerepeoplewhohadn'tmuchrestraint，'saidGudrun。
`Ortoomuch，'Birkinanswered。
`Ohyes，I'msure，'saidGudrun，almostvindictively，`oneortheother。'
`Theyallfeeltheyoughttobehaveinsomeunnaturalfashion，'saidBirkin。`Whenpeopleareingrief，theywoulddobettertocovertheirfacesandkeepinretirement，asintheolddays。'
`Certainly！'criedGudrun，flushedandinflammable。`Whatcanbeworsethanthispublicgrief——whatismorehorrible，morefalse！Ifgriefisnotprivate，andhidden，whatis？'
`Exactly，'hesaid。`IfeltashamedwhenIwasthereandtheywereallgoingaboutinalugubriousfalseway，feelingtheymustnotbenaturalorordinary。'
`Well——'saidMrsBrangwen，offendedatthiscriticism，`itisn'tsoeasytobearatroublelikethat。'
Andshewentupstairstothechildren。
Heremainedonlyafewminuteslonger，thentookhisleave。WhenhewasgoneUrsulafeltsuchapoignanthatredofhim，thatallherbrainseemedturnedintoasharpcrystaloffinehatred。Herwholenatureseemedsharpenedandintensifiedintoapuredartofhate。Shecouldnotimaginewhatitwas。Itmerelytookholdofher，themostpoignantandultimatehatred，pureandclearandbeyondthought。Shecouldnotthinkofitatall，shewastranslatedbeyondherself。Itwaslikeapossession。Shefeltshewaspossessed。Andforseveraldaysshewentaboutpossessedbythisexquisiteforceofhatredagainsthim。Itsurpassedanythingshehadeverknownbefore，itseemedtothrowheroutoftheworldintosometerribleregionwherenothingofheroldlifeheldgood。Shewasquitelostanddazed，reallydeadtoherownlife。
Itwassocompletelyincomprehensibleandirrational。Shedidnotknowwhyshehatedhim，herhatewasquiteabstract。Shehadonlyrealisedwithashockthatstunnedher，thatshewasovercomebythispuretransportation。
Hewastheenemy，fineasadiamond，andashardandjewel—like，thequintessenceofallthatwasinimical。
Shethoughtofhisface，whiteandpurelywrought，andofhiseyesthathadsuchadark，constantwillofassertion，andshetouchedherownforehead，tofeelifsheweremad，shewassotransfiguredinwhiteflameofessentialhate。
Itwasnottemporal，herhatred，shedidnothatehimforthisorforthat;shedidnotwanttodoanythingtohim，tohaveanyconnectionwithhim。Herrelationwasultimateandutterlybeyondwords，thehatewassopureandgemlike。Itwasasifhewereabeamofessentialenmity，abeamoflightthatdidnotonlydestroyher，butdeniedheraltogether，revokedherwholeworld。Shesawhimasaclearstrokeofuttermostcontradiction，astrangegem—likebeingwhoseexistencedefinedherownnon—existence。
Whensheheardhewasillagain，herhatredonlyintensifieditselfafewdegrees，ifthatwerepossible。Itstunnedherandannihilatedher，butshecouldnotescapeit。Shecouldnotescapethistransfigurationofhatredthathadcomeuponher。
WomenInLove:Chapter16CHAPTERXVIMantoManHELAYsickandunmoved，inpureoppositiontoeverything。Heknewhowneartobreakingwasthevesselthatheldhislife。
Heknewalsohowstronganddurableitwas。Andhedidnotcare。Betterathousandtimestakeone'schancewithdeath，thanacceptalifeonedidnotwant。Butbestofalltopersistandpersistandpersistforever，tilloneweresatisfiedinlife。
HeknewthatUrsulawasreferredbacktohim。Heknewhisliferestedwithher。Buthewouldrathernotlivethanacceptthelovesheproffered。
Theoldwayofloveseemedadreadfulbondage，asortofconscription。
Whatitwasinhimhedidnotknow，butthethoughtoflove，marriage，andchildren，andalifelivedtogether，inthehorribleprivacyofdomesticandconnubialsatisfaction，wasrepulsive。Hewantedsomethingclearer，moreopen，cooler，asitwere。Thehotnarrowintimacybetweenmanandwifewasabhorrent。Thewaytheyshuttheirdoors，thesemarriedpeople，andshutthemselvesintotheirownexclusivealliancewitheachother，eveninlove，disgustedhim。Itwasawholecommunityofmistrustfulcouplesinsulatedinprivatehousesorprivaterooms，alwaysincouples，andnofurtherlife，nofurtherimmediate，nodisinterestedrelationshipadmitted:
akaleidoscopeofcouples，disjoined，separatist，meaninglessentitiesofmarriedcouples。True，hehatedpromiscuityevenworsethanmarriage，andaliaisonwasonlyanotherkindofcoupling，reactionaryfromthelegalmarriage。Reactionwasagreaterborethanaction。
Onthewhole，hehatedsex，itwassuchalimitation。Itwassexthatturnedamanintoabrokenhalfofacouple，thewomanintotheotherbrokenhalf。Andhewantedtobesingleinhimself，thewomansingleinherself。
Hewantedsextoreverttotheleveloftheotherappetites，toberegardedasafunctionalprocess，notasafulfilment。Hebelievedinsexmarriage。
Butbeyondthis，hewantedafurtherconjunction，wheremanhadbeingandwomanhadbeing，twopurebeings，eachconstitutingthefreedomoftheother，balancingeachotherliketwopolesofoneforce，liketwoangels，ortwodemons。
Hewantedsomuchtobefree，notunderthecompulsionofanyneedforunification，ortorturedbyunsatisfieddesire。Desireandaspirationshouldfindtheirobjectwithoutallthistorture，asnow，inaworldofplentyofwater，simplethirstisinconsiderable，satisfiedalmostunconsciously。
AndhewantedtobewithUrsulaasfreeaswithhimself，singleandclearandcool，yetbalanced，polarisedwithher。Themerging，theclutching，theminglingoflovewasbecomemadlyabhorrenttohim。
Butitseemedtohim，womanwasalwayssohorribleandclutching，shehadsuchalustforpossession，agreedofself—importanceinlove。Shewantedtohave，toown，tocontrol，tobedominant。Everythingmustbereferredbacktoher，toWoman，theGreatMotherofeverything，outofwhomproceededeverythingandtowhomeverythingmustfinallyberenderedup。
Itfilledhimwithalmostinsanefury，thiscalmassumptionoftheMagnaMater，thatallwashers，becauseshehadborneit。Manwashersbecauseshehadbornehim。AMaterDolorosa，shehadbornehim，aMagnaMater，shenowclaimedhimagain，soulandbody，sex，meaning，andall。HehadahorroroftheMagnaMater，shewasdetestable。
Shewasonaveryhighhorseagain，waswoman，theGreatMother。DidhenotknowitinHermione。Hermione，thehumble，thesubservient，whatwassheallthewhilebuttheMaterDolorosa，inhersubservience，claimingwithhorrible，insidiousarroganceandfemaletyranny，herownagain，claimingbackthemanshehadborneinsuffering。Byherverysufferingandhumilitysheboundhersonwithchains，sheheldhimhereverlastingprisoner。
AndUrsula，Ursulawasthesame——ortheinverse。Shetoowastheawful，arrogantqueenoflife，asifshewereaqueenbeeonwhomalltherestdepended。Hesawtheyellowflareinhereyes，heknewtheunthinkableoverweeningassumptionofprimacyinher。Shewasunconsciousofitherself。
Shewasonlytooreadytoknockherheadonthegroundbeforeaman。Butthiswasonlywhenshewassocertainofherman，thatshecouldworshiphimasawomanworshipsherowninfant，withaworshipofperfectpossession。
Itwasintolerable，thispossessionatthehandsofwoman。Alwaysamanmustbeconsideredasthebrokenofffragmentofawoman，andthesexwasthestillachingscarofthelaceration。Manmustbeaddedontoawoman，beforehehadanyrealplaceorwholeness。
Andwhy？Whyshouldweconsiderourselves，menandwomen，asbrokenfragmentsofonewhole？Itisnottrue。Wearenotbrokenfragmentsofonewhole。Ratherwearethesinglingawayintopurityandclearbeing，ofthingsthatweremixed。Ratherthesexisthatwhichremainsinusofthemixed，theunresolved。Andpassionisthefurtherseparatingofthismixture，thatwhichismanlybeingtakenintothebeingoftheman，thatwhichiswomanlypassingtothewoman，tillthetwoareclearandwholeasangels，theadmixtureofsexinthehighestsensesurpassed，leavingtwosinglebeingsconstellatedtogetherliketwostars。
Intheoldage，beforesexwas，weweremixed，eachoneamixture。Theprocessofsinglingintoindividualityresultedintothegreatpolarisationofsex。Thewomanlydrewtooneside，themanlytotheother。Buttheseparationwasimperfecteventhem。Andsoourworld—cyclepasses。Thereisnowtocomethenewday，whenwearebeingseachofus，fulfilledindifference。
Themanispureman，thewomanpurewoman，theyareperfectlypolarised。
Butthereisnolongeranyofthehorriblemerging，minglingself—abnegationoflove。Thereisonlythepuredualityofpolarisation，eachonefreefromanycontaminationoftheother。Ineach，theindividualisprimal，sexissubordinate，butperfectlypolarised。Eachhasasingle，separatebeing，withitsownlaws。Themanhashispurefreedom，thewomanhers。
Eachacknowledgestheperfectionofthepolarisedsex—circuit。Eachadmitsthedifferentnatureintheother。
SoBirkinmeditatedwhilsthewasill。Helikedsometimestobeillenoughtotaketohisbed。Forthenhegotbetterveryquickly，andthingscametohimclearandsure。
Whilsthewaslaidup，Geraldcametoseehim。Thetwomenhadadeep，uneasyfeelingforeachother。Gerald'seyeswerequickandrestless，hiswholemannertenseandimpatient，heseemedstrunguptosomeactivity。
Accordingtoconventionality，heworeblackclothes，helookedformal，handsomeandcommeilfaut。Hishairwasfairalmosttowhiteness，sharplikesplintersoflight，hisfacewaskeenandruddy，hisbodyseemedfullofnorthernenergy。GeraldreallylovedBirkin，thoughheneverquitebelievedinhim。Birkinwastoounreal;——clever，whimsical，wonderful，butnotpracticalenough。Geraldfeltthathisownunderstandingwasmuchsounderandsafer。Birkinwasdelightful，awonderfulspirit，butafterall，nottobetakenseriously，notquitetobecountedasamanamongmen。
`Whyareyoulaidupagain？'heaskedkindly，takingthesickman'shand。ItwasalwaysGeraldwhowasprotective，offeringthewarmshelterofhisphysicalstrength。
`Formysins，Isuppose，'Birkinsaid，smilingalittleironically。
`Foryoursins？Yes，probablythatisso。Youshouldsinless，andkeepbetterinhealth？'
`You'dbetterteachme。'
HelookedatGeraldwithironiceyes。
`Howarethingswithyou？'askedBirkin。
`Withme？'GeraldlookedatBirkin，sawhewasserious，andawarmlightcameintohiseyes。
`Idon'tknowthatthey'reanydifferent。Idon'tseehowtheycouldbe。There'snothingtochange。'
`Isupposeyouareconductingthebusinessassuccessfullyasever，andignoringthedemandofthesoul。'
`That'sit，'saidGerald。`Atleastasfarasthebusinessisconcerned。
Icouldn'tsayaboutthesoul，I'amsure。'
`No。'
`Surelyyoudon'texpectmeto？'laughedGerald。
`No。Howaretherestofyouraffairsprogressing，apartfromthebusiness？'
`Therestofmyaffairs？Whatarethose？Icouldn'tsay;Idon'tknowwhatyoureferto。'
`Yes，youdo，'saidBirkin。`Areyougloomyorcheerful？AndwhataboutGudrunBrangwen？'
`Whatabouther？'AconfusedlookcameoverGerald。`Well，'headded，`Idon'tknow。IcanonlytellyoushegavemeahitoverthefacelasttimeIsawher。'
`Ahitovertheface！Whatfor？'
`ThatIcouldn'ttellyou，either。'
`Really！Butwhen？'
`Thenightoftheparty——whenDianawasdrowned。Shewasdrivingthecattleupthehill，andIwentafterher——youremember。'
`Yes，Iremember。Butwhatmadeherdothat？Youdidn'tdefinitelyaskherforit，Isuppose？'
`I？No，notthatIknowof。Imerelysaidtoher，thatitwasdangeroustodrivethoseHighlandbullocks——asitis。Sheturnedinsuchaway，andsaid——"IsupposeyouthinkI'mafraidofyouandyourcattle，don'tyou？"SoIaskedher"why，"andforanswersheflungmeaback—handeracrosstheface。'
Birkinlaughedquickly，asifitpleasedhim。Geraldlookedathim，wondering，andbegantolaughaswell，saying:
`Ididn'tlaughatthetime，Iassureyou。Iwasneversotakenabackinmylife。'
`Andweren'tyoufurious？'
`Furious？IshouldthinkIwas。I'dhavemurderedherfortwopins。'
`H'm！'ejaculatedBirkin。`PoorGudrun，wouldn'tshesufferafterwardsforhavinggivenherselfaway！'Hewashugelydelighted。
`Wouldshesuffer？'askedGerald，alsoamusednow。
Bothmensmiledinmaliceandamusement。
`Badly，Ishouldthink;seeinghowself—conscioussheis。'
`Sheisself—conscious，isshe？Thenwhatmadeherdoit？ForIcertainlythinkitwasquiteuncalled—for，andquiteunjustified。'
`Isupposeitwasasuddenimpulse。'
`Yes，buthowdoyouaccountforherhavingsuchanimpulse？I'ddonehernoharm。'
Birkinshookhishead。
`TheAmazonsuddenlycameupinher，Isuppose，'hesaid。
`Well，'repliedGerald，`I'dratherithadbeentheOrinoco。'
Theybothlaughedatthepoorjoke。GeraldwasthinkinghowGudrunhadsaidshewouldstrikethelastblowtoo。ButsomereservemadehimkeepthisbackfromBirkin。
`Andyouresentit？'Birkinasked。
`Idon'tresentit。Idon'tcareatinker'scurseaboutit。'Hewassilentamoment，thenheadded，laughing。`No，I'llseeitthrough，that'sall。Sheseemedsorryafterwards。'
`Didshe？You'venotmetsincethatnight？'
Gerald'sfaceclouded。
`No，'hesaid。`We'vebeen——youcanimaginehowit'sbeen，sincetheaccident。'
`Yes。Isitcalmingdown？'
`Idon'tknow。It'sashock，ofcourse。ButIdon'tbelievemotherminds。
Ireallydon'tbelieveshetakesanynotice。Andwhat'ssofunny，sheusedtobeallforthechildren——nothingmattered，nothingwhatevermatteredbutthechildren。Andnow，shedoesn'ttakeanymorenoticethanifitwasoneoftheservants。'
`No？Diditupsetyouverymuch？'
`It'sashock。ButIdon'tfeelitverymuch，really。Idon'tfeelanydifferent。We'veallgottodie，anditdoesn'tseemtomakeanygreatdifference，anyhow，whetheryoudieornot。Ican'tfeelanygriefyouknow。Itleavesmecold。Ican'tquiteaccountforit。'
`Youdon'tcareifyoudieornot？'askedBirkin。
Geraldlookedathimwitheyesblueastheblue—fibredsteelofaweapon。
Hefeltawkward，butindifferent。Asamatteroffact，hedidcareterribly，withagreatfear。
`Oh，'hesaid，`Idon'twanttodie，whyshouldI？ButInevertrouble。
Thequestiondoesn'tseemtobeonthecarpetformeatall。Itdoesn'tinterestme，youknow。'
`Timormortisconturbatme，'quotedBirkin，adding——`No，deathdoesn'treallyseemthepointanymore。Itcuriouslydoesn'tconcernone。
It'slikeanordinarytomorrow。'
Geraldlookedcloselyathisfriend。Theeyesofthetwomenmet，andanunspokenunderstandingwasexchanged。
Geraldnarrowedhiseyes，hisfacewascoolandunscrupulousashelookedatBirkin，impersonally，withavisionthatendedinapointinspace，strangelykeen—eyedandyetblind。
`Ifdeathisn'tthepoint，'hesaid，inastrangelyabstract，cold，finevoice——`whatis？'Hesoundedasifhehadbeenfoundout。
`Whatis？'re—echoedBirkin。Andtherewasamockingsilence。
`There'slongwaytogo，afterthepointofintrinsicdeath，beforewedisappear，'saidBirkin。
`Thereis，'saidGerald。`Butwhatsortofway？'HeseemedtopresstheothermanforknowledgewhichhehimselfknewfarbetterthanBirkindid。
`Rightdowntheslopesofdegeneration——mystic，universaldegeneration。
Therearemanystagesofpuredegradationtogothrough:agelong。Weliveonlongafterourdeath，andprogressively，inprogressivedevolution。'
Geraldlistenedwithafaint，finesmileonhisface，allthetime，asif，somewhere，heknewsomuchbetterthanBirkin，allaboutthis:asifhisownknowledgeweredirectandpersonal，whereasBirkin'swasamatterofobservationandinference，notquitehittingthenailonthehead:——
thoughaimingnearenoughatit。Buthewasnotgoingtogivehimselfaway。
IfBirkincouldgetatthesecrets，lethim。Geraldwouldneverhelphim。
Geraldwouldbeadarkhorsetotheend。
`Ofcourse，'hesaid，withastartlingchangeofconversation，`itisfatherwhoreallyfeelsit。Itwillfinishhim。Forhimtheworldcollapses。
AllhiscarenowisforWinnie——hemustsaveWinnie。Hesayssheoughttobesentawaytoschool，butshewon'thearofit，andhe'llneverdoit。Ofcoursesheisinratheraqueerway。We'reallofuscuriouslybadatliving。Wecandothings——butwecan'tgetonwithlifeatall。
It'scurious——afamilyfailing。'
`Sheoughtn'ttobesentawaytoschool，'saidBirkin，whowasconsideringanewproposition。
`Sheoughtn't。Why？'
`She'saqueerchild——aspecialchild，morespecialeventhanyou。
Andinmyopinionspecialchildrenshouldneverbesentawaytoschool。
Onlymoderatelyordinarychildrenshouldbesenttoschool——soitseemstome。'
`I'minclinedtothinkjusttheopposite。Ithinkitwouldprobablymakehermorenormalifshewentawayandmixedwithotherchildren。'
`Shewouldn'tmix，yousee。Youneverreallymixed，didyou？
Andshewouldn'tbewillingeventopretendto。She'sproud，andsolitary，andnaturallyapart。Ifshehasasinglenature，whydoyouwanttomakehergregarious？'
`No，Idon'twanttomakeheranything。ButIthinkschoolwouldbegoodforher。'