Contents:
TheDarnedMounseerTheEnglishmanTheDisagreeableManTheComingBy—And—ByTheHighlyRespectableGondolierTheFairyQueen’sSongIsLifeABoonTheModernMajor—GeneralTheHeavyDragoonProperPrideThePoliceman’sLotTheBaffledGrumblerTheHouseOfPeersAMerryMadrigalTheDukeAndTheDuchessEheuFugaces—！
They’llNoneOf`EmBeMissedGirlGraduatesBraidTheRavenHairTheWorkingMonarchTheApeAndTheLadyOnlyRosesTheRover’sApologyAnAppealTheRewardOfMeritTheMagnetAndTheChurnTheFamilyFoolSansSouciARecipeTheMerrymanAndHisMaidTheSusceptibleChancellorWhenAMerryMaidenMarriesTheBritishTarAManWhoWouldWooAFairMaidTheSorcerer’sSongTheFickleBreezeTheFirstLord’sSongWouldYouKnow？
SpeculationAhMe！
TheDukeOfPlaza—ToroTheAestheteSaidIToMyself，SaidI
SorryHerLotTheContemplativeSentryThePhilosophicPillBlueBloodTheJudge’sSongWhenIFirstPutThisUniformOnSolatiumANightmareDon’tForget！
TheSuicide’sGraveHeAndSheTheMightyMustAMirageTheGhosts’HighNoonTheHumaneMikadoWillowWaly！
LifeIsLovelyAllTheYearTheUsher’sChargeTheGreatOakTreeKingGoodheartSleepOn！
TheLove—SickBoyPoetryEverywhereHeLoves！
TrueDiffidenceTheTangledSkeinMyLadyOneAgainstTheWorldPutAPennyInTheSlotGoodLittleGirlsLifeLimitedLiabilityAnglicisedUtopiaAnEnglishGirlAManager’sPerplexitiesOutOfSortsHowIt’sDoneAClassicalRevivalThePracticalJokerTheNationalAnthemHerTermsTheIndependentBeeTheDisconcertedTenorThePlayed—OutHumoristBallad:TheDarnedMounseerIshipped，d’yesee，inaRevenuesloop，And，offCapeFinisteere，Amerchantmanwesee，AFrenchman，goingfree，SowemadefortheboldMounseer，D’yesee？
WemadefortheboldMounseer！
ButsheprovedtobeaFrigate—andsheupwithherports，Andfireswithathirty—two！
Itcomeuncommonnear，Butweansweredwithacheer，WhichparalysedtheParley—voo，D’yesee？
WhichparalysedtheParley—voo！
ThenourCaptainheupandhesays，sayshe，"Thatchapweneednotfear，—
Wecantakeher，ifwelike，Sheissartinfortostrike，Forshe’sonlyadarnedMounseer，D’yesee？
She’sonlyadarnedMounseer！
ButtofightaFrenchfal—lal—it’slikehittin’ofagal—
It’salubberlythingfortodo;
Forwe，withallourfaults，Why，we’resturdyBritishsalts，Whileshe’sbutaParley—voo，D’yesee？
AmiserableParley—voo！"
Soweupwithourhelm，andwescudsbeforethebreeze，Aswegivesacompassionatingcheer;
FroggeeanswerswithashoutAsheseesusgoabout，WhichwasgratefulofthepoorMounseer，D’yesee？
WhichwasgratefulofthepoorMounseer！
AndI’llwagerintheirjoytheykissedeachother’scheek（Whichiswhatthemfurrinersdo），AndtheyblessedtheirluckystarsWewerehardyBritishtarsWhohadpityonapoorParley—voo，D’yesee？
WhohadpityonapoorParley—voo！
Ballad:TheEnglishmanHeisanEnglishman！
Forhehimselfhassaidit，Andit’sgreatlytohiscredit，ThatheisanEnglishman！
ForhemighthavebeenaRoosian，AFrench，orTurk，orProosian，OrperhapsItali—an！
Butinspiteofalltemptations，Tobelongtoothernations，HeremainsanEnglishman！
Hurrah！
Forthetrue—bornEnglishman！
Ballad:TheDisagreeableManIfyougivemeyourattention，IwilltellyouwhatIam:
I’magenuinephilanthropist—allotherkindsaresham。
EachlittlefaultoftemperandeachsocialdefectInmyerringfellow—creatures，Iendeavourtocorrect。
ToalltheirlittleweaknessesIopenpeople’seyes，Andlittleplanstosnubtheself—sufficientIdevise;
Ilovemyfellow—creatures—IdoallthegoodIcan—
YeteverybodysaysI’msuchadisagreeableman！
AndIcan’tthinkwhy！
TocomplimentsinflatedI’veawitheringreply，AndvanityIalwaysdomybesttomortify;
AcharitableactionIcanskilfullydissect;
AndinterestedmotivesI’mdelightedtodetect。
Iknoweverybody’sincomeandwhateverybodyearns，AndIcarefullycompareitwiththeincome—taxreturns;
Buttobenefithumanity，howevermuchIplan，YeteverybodysaysI’msuchadisagreeableman！
AndIcan’tthinkwhy！
I’msureI’mnoascetic;I’maspleasantascanbe;
You’llalwaysfindmereadywithacrushingrepartee;
I’veanirritatingchuckle，I’veacelebratedsneer，I’veanentertainingsnigger，I’veafascinatingleer;
Toeverybody’sprejudiceIknowathingortwo;
Icantellawoman’sageinhalfaminute—andIdo—
ButalthoughItrytomakemyselfaspleasantasIcan，YeteverybodysaysI’msuchadisagreeableman！
AndIcan’tthinkwhy！
Ballad:TheComingBy—And—BySadisthatwoman’slotwho，yearbyyear，Sees，onebyone，herbeautiesdisappear;
AsTime，grownwearyofherheart—drawnsighs，Impatientlybeginsto"dimhereyes"！—
Herselfcompelled，inlife’suncertaingloamings，Towreatheherwrinkledbrowwithwell—saved"combings"—
Reduced，withrouge，lipsalve，andpearlygrey，To"makeup"forlosttime，asbestshemay！
Silveredistheravenhair，Spreadingisthepartingstraight，Mottledthecomplexionfair，Haltingistheyouthfulgait，Hollowisthelaughterfree，Spectacledthelimpideye，Littlewillbeleftofme，Inthecomingby—and—by！
Fadingisthetaperwaist—
Shapelessgrowstheshapelylimb，Andalthoughsecurelylaced，Spreadingisthefiguretrim！
StouterthanIusedtobe，StillmorecorpulentgrowI—
TherewillbetoomuchofmeInthecomingby—and—by！
Ballad:TheHighlyRespectableGondolierIstolethePrince，andIbroughthimhere，Andlefthim，gailyprattlingWithahighlyrespectableGondolier，WhopromisedtheRoyalbabetorear，AndteachhimthetradeofatimoneerWithhisownbelovedbratling。
Bothofthebabeswerestrongandstout，And，consideringallthings，clever。
Ofthatthereisnomannerofdoubt—
Noprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—
Nopossibledoubtwhatever。
Timesped，andwhenattheendofayearIsoughtthatinfantcherished，ThathighlyrespectableGondolierWaslyingacorpseonhishumblebier—
IdroppedaGrandInquisitor’stear—
ThatGondolierhadperished！
Atastefordrink，combinedwithgout，Haddoubledhimupforever。
OfTHATthereisnomannerofdoubt—
Noprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—
Nopossibledoubtwhatever。
Butowing，I’mmuchdisposedtofear，Tohisterribletastefortippling，ThathighlyrespectableGondolierCouldneverdeclarewithamindsincereWhichofthetwowashisoffspringdear，AndwhichtheRoyalstripling！
Whichwaswhichhecouldnevermakeout，Despitehisbestendeavour。
OfTHATthereisnomannerofdoubt—
Noprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—
Nopossibledoubtwhatever。
Thechildrenfollowedhisoldcareer—
（Thisstatementcan’tbeparried）
OfahighlyrespectableGondolier:
Well，oneofthetwo（whowillsoonbehere）—
ButWHICHofthetwoisnotquiteclear—
IstheRoyalPrinceyoumarried！
SearchinandoutandroundaboutAndyou’lldiscoverneverAtalesofreefromeverydoubt—
Allprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—
Allpossibledoubtwhatever！
Ballad:TheFairyQueen’sSongOh，foolishfay，ThinkyoubecauseMan’sbravearrayMybosomthawsI’ddisobeyOurfairylaws？
BecauseIflyInrealmsabove，IntendencyTofallinloveResembleI
Theamorousdove？
Oh，amorousdove！
TypeofOvidiusNaso！
ThisheartofmineIssoftasthine，AlthoughIdarenotsayso！
OnfirethatglowsWithheatintenseIturnthehoseOfCommonSense，AndoutitgoesAtsmallexpense！
WemustmaintainOurfairylaw;
ThatisthemainOnwhichtodraw—
InthatwegainACaptainShaw。
Oh，CaptainShaw！
Typeoftruelovekeptunder！
CouldthyBrigadeWithcoldcascadeQuenchmygreatlove，Iwonder！
Ballad:IsLifeABoonIslifeaboon？
Ifso，itmustbefallThatDeath，whene’erhecall，Mustcalltoosoon。
ThoughfourscoreyearshegiveYetonewouldpraytoliveAnothermoon！
WhatkindofplainthaveI，WhoperishinJuly？
ImighthavehadtodiePerchanceinJune！
Islifeathorn？
Thencountitnotawhit！
Maniswelldonewithit;
Soonashe’sbornHeshouldallmeansessayToputtheplagueaway;
AndI，war—worn，Poorcapturedfugitive，Mylifemostgladlygive—
ImighthavehadtoliveAnothermorn！
Ballad:TheModernMajor—GeneralIamtheverypatternofamodernMajor—Gineral，I’veinformationvegetable，animal，andmineral;
IknowthekingsofEngland，andIquotethefightshistorical，FromMarathontoWaterloo，inordercategorical;
I’mverywellacquainted，too，withmattersmathematical，Iunderstandequations，boththesimpleandquadratical;
AboutbinomialtheoremI’mteemingwithaloto’news，Withinterestingfactsaboutthesquareofthehypotenuse，I’mverygoodatintegralanddifferentialcalculus，Iknowthescientificnamesofbeingsanimalculous。
Inshort，inmattersvegetable，animal，andmineral，IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor—Gineral。
Iknowourmythichistory—KINGARTHUR’SandSIRCARADOC’S，Ianswerhardacrostics，I’veaprettytasteforparadox;
IquoteinelegiacsallthecrimesofHELIOGABALUS，InconicsIcanfloorpeculiaritiesparabolous。
ItellundoubtedRAPHAELSfromGERARDDOWSandZOFFANIES，Iknowthecroakingchorusfromthe"Frogs"ofARISTOPHANES;
ThenIcanhumafugue，ofwhichI’veheardthemusic’sdinafore，Andwhistlealltheairsfromthatconfoundednonsense"Pinafore。"
ThenIcanwriteawashing—billinBabyloniccuneiform，AndtellyoueverydetailofCARACTACUS’Suniform。
Inshort，inmattersvegetable，animal，andmineral，IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor—Gineral。
Infact，whenIknowwhatismeantby"mamelon"and"ravelin，"
WhenIcantellatsightaChassepotriflefromajavelin，WhensuchaffairsasSORTIESandsurprisesI’mmorewaryat，AndwhenIknowpreciselywhatismeantbyCommissariat，WhenIhavelearntwhatprogresshasbeenmadeinmoderngunnery，WhenIknowmoreoftacticsthananoviceinanunnery，Inshort，whenI’veasmatteringofelementarystrategy，You’llsayabetterMajor—GenerALhasneverSATagee—
Formymilitaryknowledge，thoughI’mpluckyandadventury，Hasonlybeenbroughtdowntothebeginningofthecentury。
Butstillinlearningvegetable，animal，andmineral，IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor—Gineral！
Ballad:TheHeavyDragoonIfyouwantareceiptforthatpopularmystery，KnowntotheworldasaHeavyDragoon，Takealltheremarkablepeopleinhistory，Rattlethemofftoapopulartune！
ThepluckofLORDNELSONonboardoftheVICTORY—
GeniusofBISMARCKdevisingaplan;
ThehumourofFIELDING（whichsoundscontradictory）—
CoolnessofPAGETabouttotrepan—
ThegraceofMOZART，thatunparalleledmusico—
WitofMACAULAY，whowroteofQUEENANNE—
ThepathosofPADDY，asrenderedbyBOUCICAULT—
StyleoftheBISHOPOFSODORANDMAN—
ThedashofaD’ORSAY，divestedofquackery—
NarrativepowersofDICKENSandTHACKERAY—
VICTOREMMANUEL—peak—hauntingPEVERIL—
THOMASAQUINAS，andDOCTORSACHEVERELL—
TUPPERandTENNYSON—DANIELDEFOE—
ANTHONYTROLLOPEandMISTERGUIZOT！
Takeoftheseelementsallthatisfusible，Melt’emalldowninapipkinorcrucible，Set’emtosimmerandtakeoffthescum，AndaHeavyDragoonistheresiduum！
Ifyouwantareceiptforthissoldierlikeparagon，GetatthewealthoftheCZAR（ifyoucan）—
ThefamilyprideofaSpaniardfromArragon—
ForceofMEPHISTOpronouncingaban—
AsmackofLORDWATERFORD，recklessandrollicky—
SwaggerofRODERICK，headinghisclan—
ThekeenpenetrationofPADDINGTONPOLLAKY—
GraceofanOdalisqueonadivan—
ThegeniusstrategicofCAESARorHANNIBAL—
SkillofLORDWOLSELEYinthrashingacannibal—
FlavourofHAMLET—theSTRANGER，atouchofhim—
LittleofMANFRED（butnotverymuchofhim）—
BeadleofBurlington—RICHARDSON’Sshow—
MR。MICAWBERandMADAMETUSSAUD！
Takeoftheseelementsallthatisfusible—
Melt’emalldowninapipkinorcrucible—
Set’emtosimmerandtakeoffthescum，AndaHeavyDragoonistheresiduum！
Ballad:ProperPrideTheSun，whoseraysAreallablazeWithever—livingglory，WillnotdenyHismajesty—
Hescornstotellastory:
Hewon’texclaim，"Iblushforshame，Sokindlybeindulgent，"
But，fierceandbold，Infierygold，Hegloriesalleffulgent！
Imeantoruletheearth，Ashethesky—
Wereallyknowourworth，TheSunandI！
Observehisflame，Thatplaciddame，TheMoon’sCelestialHighness;
There’snotatraceUponherfaceOfdiffidenceorshyness:
SheborrowslightThat，throughthenight，Mankindmayallacclaimher！
And，truthtotell，Shelightsupwell，SoI，forone，don’tblameher！
Ah，praymakenomistake，Wearenotshy;
We’reverywideawake，TheMoonandI！
Ballad:ThePoliceman’sLotWhenafelon’snotengagedinhisemployment，Ormaturinghisfeloniouslittleplans，HiscapacityforinnocentenjoymentIsjustasgreatasanyhonestman’s。
OurfeelingswewithdifficultysmotherWhenconstabularyduty’stobedone:
Ah，takeoneconsiderationwithanother，Apoliceman’slotisnotahappyone！
Whentheenterprisingburglarisn’tburgling，Whenthecut—throatisn’toccupiedincrime，Helovestohearthelittlebrooka—gurgling，Andlistentothemerryvillagechime。
Whenthecoster’sfinishedjumpingonhismother，Helovestoliea—baskinginthesun:
Ah，takeoneconsiderationwithanother，Thepoliceman’slotisnotahappyone！
Ballad:TheBaffledGrumblerWhene’erIpokeSarcasticjokeRepletewithmalicespiteful，ThepeoplevilePolitelysmileAndvotemequitedelightful！
Now，whenawightSitsupallnightIll—naturedjokesdevising，AndallhiswilesAremetwithsmiles，It’shard，there’snodisguising！
Oh，don’tthedaysseemlankandlongWhenallgoesrightandnothinggoeswrong，Andisn’tyourlifeextremelyflatWithnothingwhatevertogrumbleat！
WhenGermanbands，FrommusicstandsPlayWagnerimperFECTly—
Ibidthemgo—
Theydon’tsayno，Butofftheytrotdirectly！
TheorganboysTheystoptheirnoiseWithreadinesssurprising，AndgrinningherdsOfhurdy—gurdsRetireapologising！
Oh，don’tthedaysseemlankandlongWhenallgoesrightandnothinggoeswrong，Andisn’tyourlifeextremelyflatWithnothingwhatevertogrumbleat！
I’veofferedgold，Insumsuntold，Toallwho’dcontradictme—
I’vesaidI’dpayApoundadayToanyonewhokickedme—
I’vebribedwithtoysGreatvulgarboysTouttersomethingspiteful，But，blessyou，no！
TheyWILLbesoConfoundedlypoliteful！
Inshort，theseaggravatinglads，Theyticklemytastes，theyfeedmyfads，Theygivemethisandtheygivemethat，AndI’venothingwhatevertogrumbleat！
Ballad:TheHouseOfPeersWhenBritainreallyruledthewaves—
（IngoodQueenBess’stime）
TheHouseofPeersmadenopretenceTointellectualeminence，Orscholarshipsublime;
YetBritainwonherproudestbaysIngoodQueenBess’sgloriousdays！
WhenWellingtonthrashedBonaparte，Aseverychildcantell，TheHouseofPeers，throughoutthewar，Didnothinginparticular，Anddiditverywell;
YetBritainsettheworldablazeIngoodKingGeorge’sgloriousdays！
AndwhiletheHouseofPeerswithholdsItslegislativehand，AndnoblestatesmendonotitchTointerferewithmatterswhichTheydonotunderstand，AsbrightwillshineGreatBritain’srays，AsinKingGeorge’sgloriousdays！
Ballad:AMerryMadrigalBrightlydawnsourweddingday;
Joyoushour，wegivetheegreeting！
Whither，whitherartthoufleeting？
Ficklemoment，pritheestay！
Whatthoughmortaljoysbehollow？
Pleasurescome，ifsorrowsfollow。
Thoughthetocsinsound，erelong，Dingdong！Dingdong！
YetuntiltheshadowsfallOveroneandoverall，Singamerrymadrigal—
Falla！
Letusdrythereadytear;
Thoughthehoursaresurelycreeping，LittleneedforwoefulweepingTillthesadsundownisnear。