Allmustsipthecupofsorrow，Ito—dayandthouto—morrow:
　　Thisthecloseofeverysong—
　　Dingdong！Dingdong！
　　Whatthoughsolemnshadowsfall，Sooner，later，overall？
　　Singamerrymadrigal—
　　Falla！
　　Ballad:TheDukeAndTheDuchess[THEDUKE。]
　　SmalltitlesandordersForMayorsandRecordersIget—andthey’rehighlydelighted。
　　M。P。sbaronetted，ShamColonelsgazetted，Andsecond—rateAldermenknighted。
　　Foundation—stonelayingIfindverypaying，Itaddsalargesumtomymakings。
　　AtcharitydinnersThebestofspeech—spinners，Igettenpercentonthetakings！
　　[THEDUCHESS。]
　　IpresentanyladyWhoseconductisshadyOrsmackingofdoubtfulpropriety;
　　WhenVirtuewouldquashherItakeandwhitewashherAndlaunchherinfirst—ratesociety。
　　IrecommendacresOfclumsydressmakers—
　　Theirfitandtheirfinishingtouches;
　　AsuminadditionTheypayforpermissionTosaythattheymakefortheDuchess！
　　[THEDUKE。]
　　Thosepressingprevailers，Theready—madetailors，Quotemeastheirgreatdouble—barrel;
　　Iallowthemtodoso，ThoughROBINSONCRUSOE
　　Wouldjibattheirwearingapparel！
　　Isit，byselection，UponthedirectionOfseveralCompaniesbubble;
　　Assoonasthey’refloatedI’mfreelybank—noted—
　　I’mprettywellpaidformytrouble！
　　[THEDUCHESS。]
　　Atmiddle—classpartyIplayatECARTE—
　　AndI’mbynomeansabeginner;
　　TooneofmystationTheremuneration—
　　Fiveguineasanightandmydinner。
　　IwritelettersblatantOnmedicinespatent—
　　Anduseanyotheryoumustn’t;
　　AndvowmycomplexionDerivesitsperfectionFromsomebody’ssoap—whichitdoesn’t。
　　[THEDUKE。]
　　We’rereadyaswitnessToanyone’sfitnessTofillanyplaceorpreferment;
　　We’reofteninwaitingAtjunketFETING，Andsometimesattendaninterment。
　　Inshort，ifyou’dkindleThesparkofaswindle，Luresimpletonsintoyourclutches，Orhoodwinkadebtor，YoucannotdobetterThantrotoutaDukeoraDuchess！
　　Ballad:EheuFugaces—！
　　Theairischargedwithamatorynumbers—
　　Softmadrigals，anddreamylovers’lays。
　　Peace，peace，oldheart！WhywakenfromitsslumbersTheachingmemoryoftheold，olddays？
　　TimewaswhenLoveandIwerewellacquainted;
　　Timewaswhenwewalkedeverhandinhand;
　　Asaintlyyouth，withworldlythoughtuntainted，NonebetterlovedthanIinalltheland！
　　Timewas，whenmaidensofthenobleststation，Forsakingevenmilitarymen，Wouldgazeuponme，raptinadoration—
　　Ahme，Iwasafairyoungcuratethen！
　　HadIaheadache？sighedthemaidsassembled;
　　HadIacold？welledforththesilenttear;
　　DidIlookpale？thenhalfaparishtrembled;
　　AndwhenIcoughedallthoughttheendwasnear！
　　Ihadnocare—nojealousdoubtshungo’erme—
　　ForIwaslovedbeyondallothermen。
　　Fledgildeddukesandbeltedearlsbeforeme—
　　Ahme，Iwasapaleyoungcuratethen！
　　Ballad:They’llNoneOf’EmBeMissedAssomedayitmayhappenthatavictimmustbefound，I’vegotalittlelist—I’vegotalittlelistOfsocialoffenderswhomightwellbeunderground，Andwhoneverwouldbemissed—whoneverwouldbemissed！
　　There’sthepestilentialnuisanceswhowriteforautographs—
　　Allpeoplewhohaveflabbyhandsandirritatinglaughs—
　　Allchildrenwhoareupindates，andflooryouwith’emflat—
　　Allpersonswhoinshakinghands，shakehandswithyoulikeTHAT—
　　AndallthirdpersonswhoonspoilingTETE—E—TETESinsist—
　　They’dnoneof’embemissed—they’dnoneof’embemissed！
　　There’stheniggerserenader，andtheothersofhisrace，Andthepianoorganist—I’vegothimonthelist！
　　Andthepeoplewhoeatpeppermintandpuffitinyourface，Theyneverwouldbemissed—theyneverwouldbemissed！
　　Thentheidiotwhopraises，withenthusiastictone，Allcenturiesbutthis，andeverycountrybuthisown;
　　Andtheladyfromtheprovinces，whodresseslikeaguy，Andwho"doesn’tthinkshewaltzes，butwouldratherliketotry";
　　AndthatFIN—DE—SIECLEanomaly，thescorchingmotorist—
　　Idon’tthinkhe’dbemissed—I’mSUREhe’dnotbemissed！
　　AndthatNISIPRIUSnuisance，whojustnowisratherrife，TheJudicialhumorist—I’vegotHIMonthelist！
　　Allfunnyfellows，comicmen，andclownsofprivatelife—
　　They’dnoneof’embemissed—they’dnoneof’embemissed！
　　Andapologeticstatesmenofthecompromisingkind，Suchas—What—d’ye—call—him—Thing’em—Bob，andlikewise—Never—
　　mind，And’St—’st—’st—andWhat’s—his—name，andalso—You—know—who—
　　（ThetaskoffillinguptheblanksI’dratherleavetoYOU！）
　　Butitreallydoesn’tmatterwhomyouputuponthelist，Forthey’dnoneof’embemissed—they’dnoneof’embemissed！
　　Ballad:GirlGraduatesTheyintendtosendawireTothemoon;
　　Andthey’llsettheThamesonfireVerysoon;
　　ThentheylearntomakesilkpursesWiththeirrigsFromtheearsofLADYCIRCE’S
　　Piggy—wigs。
　　AndweaselsattheirslumbersThey’lltrepan;
　　TogetsunbeamsfromcuCUMbersThey’veaplan。
　　They’veafirmlyrootednotionTheycancrossthePolarOcean，Andthey’llfindPerpetualMotionIftheycan！
　　ThesearethephenomenaThateveryprettydominaHopesthatweshallseeAtthisUniversitee！
　　Asforfashion，theyforswearit，Sotheysay，Andthecircle—theywillsquareitSomefineday;
　　Thenthelittlepigsthey’reteachingFortofly;
　　Andtheniggersthey’llbebleachingBy—and—by！
　　EachnewlyjoinedaspirantTotheclanMustrepudiatethetyrantKnownasMan;
　　Theymockathimandflouthim，Fortheydonotcareabouthim，Andthey’re"goingtodowithouthim"
　　Iftheycan！
　　ThesearethephenomenaThateveryprettydominaHopesthatweshallseeAtthisUniversitee！
　　Ballad:BraidTheRavenHairBraidtheravenhair，Weavethesuppletress，DeckthemaidenfairInherloveliness;
　　Painttheprettyface，Dyethecorallip，EmphasisethegraceOfherladyship！
　　Artandnature，thusallied，Gotomakeaprettybride！
　　Sitwithdowncasteye，Letitbrimwithdew;
　　Tryifyoucancry，Wewilldoso，too。
　　Whenyou’resummoned，startLikeafrightenedroe;
　　Flutter，littleheart，Colour，comeandgo！
　　ModestyatmarriagetideWellbecomesaprettybride！
　　Ballad:TheWorkingMonarchRisingearlyinthemorning，Weproceedtolightthefire，ThenourMajestyadorningInitswork—a—dayattire，WeembarkwithoutdelayOnthedutiesoftheday。
　　First，wepolishoffsomebatchesOfpoliticaldespatches，Andforeignpoliticianscircumvent;
　　Then，ifbusinessisn’theavy，WemayholdaRoyalLEVEE，OrratifysomeActsofParliament:
　　Thenweprobablyreviewthehouseholdtroops—
　　Withtheusual"Shalloohumps"and"Shalloohoops！"
　　OrreceivewithceremonialandstateAninterestingEasternPotentate。
　　AfterthatwegenerallyGoanddressourprivateVALET—
　　（It’sarathernervousduty—heatouchylittleman）—
　　WritesomelettersliteraryForourprivatesecretary—
　　（Heisshakyinhisspelling，sowehelphimifwecan。）
　　Then，inviewofcravingsinner，Wegodownandorderdinner;
　　OrwepolishtheRegaliaandtheCoronationPlate—
　　SpendanhourintitivatingAllourGentlemen—in—Waiting;
　　OrwerunonlittleerrandsfortheMinistersofState。
　　Oh，philosophersmaysingOfthetroublesofaKing，Yetthedutiesaredelightful，andtheprivilegesgreat;
　　ButtheprivilegeandpleasureThatwetreasurebeyondmeasureIstorunonlittleerrandsfortheMinistersofState！
　　Afterluncheon（makingmerryOnabunandglassofsherry），Ifwe’venothinginparticulartodo，WemaymakeaProclamation，OrreceiveaDeputation—
　　ThenwepossiblycreateaPeerortwo。
　　Thenwehelpafellow—creatureonhispathWiththeGarterortheThistleortheBath:
　　Orwedressandtoddleoffinsemi—StateToafestival，afunction，oraFETE。
　　ThenwegoandstandassentryAtthePalace（privateentry），Marchinghither，marchingthither，upanddownandtoandfro，WhilethewarriorondutyGoesinsearchofbeerandbeauty（Anditgenerallyhappensthathehasn’tfartogo）。
　　Herelievesus，ifhe’sable，Justintimetolaythetable。
　　Thenwedineandservethecoffee;andathalf—pasttwelveorone，Withapleasurethat’semphatic;
　　ThenweseekourlittleatticWiththegratifyingfeelingthatourdutyhasbeendone。
　　Oh，philosophersmaysingOfthetroublesofaKing，Butofpleasurestherearemanyandoftroublestherearenone;
　　AndtheculminatingpleasureThatwetreasurebeyondmeasureIsthegratifyingfeelingthatourdutyhasbeendone！
　　Ballad:TheApeAndTheLadyALADYfair，oflineagehigh，WaslovedbyanApe，inthedaysgoneby—
　　TheMaidwasradiantasthesun，TheApewasamostunsightlyone—
　　Soitwouldnotdo—
　　Hisschemefellthrough;
　　FortheMaid，whenhislovetookformalshape，ExpressedsuchterrorAthismonstrouserror，Thathestammeredanapologyandmadehis’scape，ThepictureofadisconcertedApe。
　　Withaviewtoriseinthesocialscale，Heshavedhisbristles，andhedockedhistail，Hegrewmoustachios，andhetookhistub，Andhepaidaguineatoatoiletclub。
　　Butitwouldnotdo，Theschemefellthrough—
　　FortheMaidwasBeauty’sfairestQueen，Withgoldentresses，Likearealprincess’s，WhiletheApe，despitehisrazorkeen，WastheapiestApethateverwasseen！
　　Heboughtwhiteties，andheboughtdresssuits，Hecrammedhisfeetintobrighttightboots，Andtostarthislifeonabrand—newplan，HechristenedhimselfDarwinianMan！
　　Butitwouldnotdo，Theschemefellthrough—
　　FortheMaidenfair，whomthemonkeycraved，WasaradiantBeing，Withabrainfar—seeing—
　　WhileaMan，howeverwell—behaved，Atbestisonlyamonkeyshaved！
　　Ballad:OnlyRosesToagardenfullofposiesComethonetogatherflowers;
　　AndhewandersthroughitsbowersToyingwiththewantonroses，Who，uprisingfromtheirbeds，HoldonhightheirshamelessheadsWiththeirprettylipsa—pouting，Neverdoubting—neverdoubtingThatforCythereanposiesHewouldgatheraughtbutroses。
　　Inanestofweedsandnettles，Layaviolet，halfhidden;
　　HopingthathisglanceunbiddenYetmightfalluponherpetals。
　　Thoughshelivedalone，apart，Hopelaynestlingatherheart，But，alas！thecruelawakingSetherlittlehearta—breaking，ForhegatheredforhisposiesOnlyroses—onlyroses！
　　Ballad:TheRover’sApologyOh，gentlemen，listen，Ipray;
　　ThoughIownthatmyhearthasbeenranging，OfnaturethelawsIobey，Fornatureisconstantlychanging。
　　Themooninherphasesisfound，Thetimeandthewindandtheweather，Themonthsinsuccessioncomeround，Andyoudon’tfindtwoMondaystogether。
　　Considerthemoral，Ipray，Norbringayoungfellowtosorrow，Wholovesthisyoungladyto—day，Andlovesthatyoungladyto—morrow！
　　Youcannoteatbreakfastallday。
　　Norisittheactofasinner，Whenbreakfastistakenaway，Toturnyourattentiontodinner;
　　Andit’snotintherangeofbeliefThatyoucouldholdhimasaglutton，Who，whenheistiredofbeef，Determinestotacklethemutton。
　　ButthisIamreadytosay，Ifitwilldiminishtheirsorrow，I’llmarrythisladyto—day，AndI’llmarrythatladyto—morrow！
　　Ballad:AnAppealOh！istherenotonemaidenbreastWhichdoesnotfeelthemoralbeautyOfmakingworldlyinterestSubordinatetosenseofduty？
　　WhowouldnotgiveupwillinglyAllmatrimonialambitionTorescuesuchaoneasI
　　Fromhisunfortunateposition？
　　Oh，istherenotonemaidenhere，WhosehomelyfaceandbadcomplexionHavecausedallhopestodisappearOfeverwinningman’saffection？
　　Tosuchaone，ifsuchtherebe，Iswearbyheaven’sarchaboveyou，Ifyouwillcastyoureyesonme，—
　　Howeverplainyoube—I’llloveyou！
　　Ballad:TheRewardOfMeritDR。BELVILLEwasregardedastheCRICHTONofhisage:
　　Histragedieswerereckonedmuchtoothoughtfulforthestage;
　　Hispoemsheldanoblerank，althoughit’sverytrueThat，beingveryproper，theywerereadbyveryfew。
　　HewasafamousPainter，too，andshoneuponthe"line，"
　　AndevenMR。RUSKINcameandworshippedathisshrine;
　　But，alas，theschoolhefollowedwasheroicallyhigh—
　　ThekindofArtmenraveabout，butveryseldombuy;
　　Andeverybodysaid"Howcanheberepaid—
　　Thisverygreat—thisverygood—thisverygiftedman？"
　　Butnobodycouldhituponapracticableplan！
　　HewasagreatInventor，anddiscovered，allalone，Aplanformakingeverybody’sfortunebuthisown;
　　For，inbusiness，anInventor’slittlebetterthanafool，Andmyhighly—giftedfriendwasnoexceptiontotherule。
　　Hispoems—peoplereadthemintheQuarterlyReviews—
　　Hispictures—theyengravedthemintheILLUSTRATEDNEWS—
　　Hisinventions—they，perhaps，mighthaveenrichedhimbydegrees，ButallhislittleincomewentinPatentOfficefees;
　　Andeverybodysaid"Howcanheberepaid—
　　Thisverygreat—thisverygood—thisverygiftedman？"
　　Butnobodycouldhituponapracticableplan！
　　Atlastthepointwasgivenupinabsolutedespair，Whenadistantcousindied，andhebecameamillionaire，WithacountyseatinParliament，amoorortwoofgrouse，AndatasteformakinginconvenientspeechesintheHouse！
　　THENitflasheduponBritanniathatthefittestofrewardsWas，totakehimfromtheCommonsandtoputhimintheLords！
　　Andwhosofittositinit，denyitifyoucan，Asthisverygreat—thisverygood—thisverygiftedman？
　　（ThoughI’mmorethanhalfafraidThatitsometimesmaybesaidThatwenevershouldhaverevelledinthatsourceofproperpride，Howevergreathismerits—ifhiscousinhadn’tdied！）
　　Ballad:TheMagnetAndTheChurnAMAGNEThunginahardwareshop，AndallaroundwasalovingcropOfscissorsandneedles，nailsandknives，Offeringloveforalltheirlives;
　　ButforirontheMagnetfeltnowhim，Thoughhecharmediron，itcharmednothim，Fromneedlesandnailsandkniveshe’dturn，Forhe’dsethisloveonaSilverChurn！
　　Hismostaesthetic，VerymagneticFancytookthisturn—
　　"IfIcanwheedleAknifeorneedle，WhynotaSilverChurn？"
　　AndIronandSteelexpressedsurprise，Theneedlesopenedtheirwell—drilledeyes，Thepen—knivesfelt"shutup，"nodoubt，Thescissorsdeclaredthemselves"cutout，"
　　Thekettlestheyboiledwithrage，’tissaid，Whileeverynailwentoffitshead，Andhitherandthitherbegantoroam，Tillahammercameup—anddroveithome，WhilethismagneticPeripateticLoverhelivedtolearn，Bynoendeavour，CanMagneteverAttractaSilverChurn！
　　Ballad:TheFamilyFoolOh！aprivatebuffoonisalight—heartedloon，Ifyoulistentopopularrumour;
　　Frommorningtonighthe’ssojoyousandbright，Andhebubbleswithwitandgoodhumour！
　　He’ssoquaintandsoterse，bothinproseandinverse;
　　Yetthoughpeopleforgivehistransgression，ThereareoneortworulesthatallFamilyFoolsMustobserve，iftheylovetheirprofession。
　　Thereareoneortworules，Half—a—dozen，maybe，Thatallfamilyfools，Ofwhateverdegree，Mustobserveiftheylovetheirprofession。
　　Ifyouwishtosucceedasajester，you’llneedToconsidereachperson’sauricular:
　　WhatisallrightforBwouldquitescandaliseC
　　（ForCissoveryparticular）;
　　AndDmaybedull，andE’sverythickskullIsasemptyofbrainsasaladle;
　　WhileFisFsharp，andwillcrywithacarp，Thathe’sknownyourbestjokefromhiscradle！
　　Whenyourhumourtheyflout，Youcan’tletyourselfgo;
　　AnditDOESputyououtWhenapersonsays，"Oh！
　　Ihaveknownthatoldjokefrommycradle！"
　　Ifyourmasterissurly，fromgettingupearly（Andtempersareshortinthemorning），AninopportunejokeisenoughtoprovokeHimtogiveyou，atonce，amonth’swarning。
　　Thenifyourefrain，heisatyouagain，Forhelikestogetvalueformoney:
　　He’llaskthenandthere，withaninsolentstare，"Ifyouknowthatyou’repaidtobefunny？"
　　ItaddstothetasksOfamerryman’splace，Whenyourprincipalasks，Withascowlonhisface，Ifyouknowthatyou’repaidtobefunny？
　　ComesaBishop，maybe，orasolemnD。D。—
　　Oh，bewareofhisangerprovoking！
　　Betternotpullhishair—don’tstickpinsinhischair;
　　Hewon’tunderstandpracticaljoking。
　　Ifthejeststhatyoucrackhaveanorthodoxsmack，Youmaygetablandsmilefromthesesages;
　　Butshouldit，bychance，beimportedfromFrance，Half—a—crownisstoppedoutofyourwages！
　　It’sageneralrule，Thoughyourzealitmayquench，IftheFamilyFoolMakesajokethat’sTOOFrench，Half—a—crownisstoppedoutofhiswages！
　　Thoughyourheaditmayrackwithabiliousattack，Andyoursenseswithtoothacheyou’relosing，Andyou’remopyandflat—theydon’tfineyouforthatIfyou’reproperlyquaintandamusing！
　　Thoughyourwiferanawaywithasoldierthatday，Andtookwithheryourtrifleofmoney;
　　Blessyourheart，theydon’tmind—they’reexceedinglykind—
　　Theydon’tblameyou—aslongasyou’refunny！