It’sacomforttofeelIfyourpartnershouldflit，ThoughYOUsufferadeal，THEYdon’tminditabit—
　　Theydon’tblameyou—solongasyou’refunny！
　　Ballad:SansSouciIcannottellwhatthislovemaybeThatcomethtoallbutnottome。
　　Itcannotbekindasthey’dimply，Orwhydothesegentleladiessigh？
　　Itcannotbejoyandrapturedeep，Orwhydothesegentleladiesweep？
　　Itcannotbeblissful，as’tissaid，Orwhyaretheireyessowondrousred？
　　Ifloveisathorn，theyshownowitWhofoolishlyhugandfosterit。
　　Ifloveisaweed，howsimpletheyWhogatherandgatherit，daybyday！
　　Ifloveisanettlethatmakesyousmart，Whydoyouwearitnextyourheart？
　　Andifitbeneitherofthese，sayI，Whydoyousitandsobandsigh？
　　Ballad:ARecipeTakeapairofsparklingeyes，Hidden，everandanon，Inamercifuleclipse—
　　Donotheedtheirmildsurprise—
　　HavingpassedtheRubicon。
　　Takeapairofrosylips;
　　Takeafiguretrimlyplanned—
　　Suchasadmirationwhets（Beparticularinthis）;
　　Takeatenderlittlehand，Fringedwithdaintyfingerettes，Pressit—inparenthesis;—
　　Takeallthese，youluckyman—
　　Takeandkeepthem，ifyoucan。
　　Takeaprettylittlecot—
　　Quiteaminiatureaffair—
　　Hungaboutwithtrellisedvine，FurnishituponthespotWiththetreasuresrichandrareI’veendeavouredtodefine。
　　Livetoloveandlovetolive—
　　Youwillripenatyourease，Growingonthesunnyside—
　　Fatehasnothingmoretogive。
　　You’readaintymantopleaseIfyouarenotsatisfied。
　　Takemycounsel，happyman:
　　Actuponit，ifyoucan！
　　Ballad:TheMerrymanAndHisMaid[HE]Ihaveasongtosing，O！
　　[SHE]Singmeyoursong，O！
　　[HE]ItissungtothemoonByalove—lornloon，Whofledfromthemockingthrong，O！
　　It’sthesongofamerryman，mopingmum，Whosesoulwassad，whoseglancewasglum，Whosippednosup，andwhocravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye。
　　Heighdy！heighdy！
　　Miseryme—lackadaydee！
　　Hesippednosup，andhecravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
　　[SHE]Ihaveasongtosing，O！
　　[HE]Singmeyoursong，O！
　　[SHE]ItissungwiththeringOfthesongmaidssingWholovewithalovelife—long，O！
　　It’sthesongofamerrymaid，peerlyproud，Wholovedalord，andwholaughedaloudAtthemoanofthemerryman，mopingmum，Whosesoulwassore，whoseglancewasglum，Whosippednosup，andwhocravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
　　Heighdy！heighdy！
　　Miseryme—lackadaydee！
　　Hesippednosup，andhecravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
　　[HE]Ihaveasongtosing，O！
　　[SHE]Singmeyoursong，O！
　　[HE]ItissungtotheknellOfachurchyardbell，Andadolefuldirge，dingdong，O！
　　It’sasongofapopinjay，bravelyborn，WhoturneduphisnoblenosewithscornAtthehumblemerrymaid，peerlyproud，Wholovedthatlord，andwholaughedaloudAtthemoanofthemerryman，mopingmum，Whosesoulwassad，whoseglancewasglum，Whosippednosup，andwhocravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
　　Heighdy！heighdy！
　　Miseryme—lackadaydee！
　　Hesippednosup，andhecravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
　　[SHE]Ihaveasongtosing，O！
　　[HE]Singmeyoursong，O！
　　[SHE]ItissungwithasighAndatearintheeye，Forittellsofarightedwrong，O！
　　It’sasongofamerrymaid，oncesogay，WhoturnedonherheelandtrippedawayFromthepeacockpopinjay，bravelyborn，WhoturneduphisnoblenosewithscornAtthehumbleheartthathedidnotprize;
　　Andittellshowshebegged，withdowncasteyes，Fortheloveofamerryman，mopingmum，Whosesoulwassad，whoseglancewasglum，Whosippednosup，andwhocravednocrumb，Ashesighedfortheloveofaladye！
　　[BOTH]Heighdy！heighdy！
　　Miseryme—lackadaydee！
　　Hispainswereo’er，andhesighednomore。
　　Forhelivedintheloveofaladye！
　　Ballad:TheSusceptibleChancellorThelawisthetrueembodimentOfeverythingthat’sexcellent。
　　Ithasnokindoffaultorflaw，AndI，mylords，embodytheLaw。
　　TheconstitutionalguardianI
　　OfprettyyoungWardsinChancery，Allveryagreeablegirls—andnoneIsovertheageoftwenty—one。
　　ApleasantoccupationforArathersusceptibleChancellor！
　　ButthoughthecomplimentimpliedInflatesmewithlegitimatepride，Itneverthelesscan’tbedeniedThatithasitsinconvenientside。
　　ForI’mnotsoold，andnotsoplain，AndI’mquitepreparedtomarryagain，Butthere’dbethedeucetopayintheLordsIfIfellinlovewithoneofmyWards:
　　Whichrathertriesmytemper，forI’mSUCHasusceptibleChancellor！
　　Andeveryonewho’dmarryaWardMustcometomeformyaccord:
　　SoinmycourtIsitallday，Givingagreeablegirlsaway，Withoneforhim—andoneforhe—
　　Andoneforyou—andoneforye—
　　Andoneforthou—andoneforthee—
　　Butnever，ohneveraoneforme！
　　Whichisexasperating，forAhighlysusceptibleChancellor！
　　Ballad:WhenAMerryMaidenMarriesWhenamerrymaidenmarries，Sorrowgoesandpleasuretarries;
　　Everysoundbecomesasong，Allisrightandnothing’swrong！
　　Fromto—dayandeverafterLetyourtearsbetearsoflaughter—
　　EverysighthatfindsaventBeasighofsweetcontent！
　　Whenyoumarrymerrymaiden，Thentheairwithloveisladen;
　　Everyflowerisarose，Everygoosebecomesaswan，EverykindoftroublegoesWherethelastyear’ssnowshavegone;
　　SunlighttakestheplaceofshadeWhenyoumarrymerrymaid！
　　WhenamerrymaidenmarriesSorrowgoesandpleasuretarries;
　　Everysoundbecomesasong，Allisright，andnothing’swrong。
　　GnawingCareandachingSorrow，Getyegoneuntilto—morrow;
　　Jealousiesingrimarray，Yearethingsofyesterday！
　　Whenyoumarrymerrymaiden，Thentheairwithjoyisladen;
　　AllthecornersoftheearthRingwithmusicsweetlyplayed，Worryismelodiousmirth，Griefisjoyinmasquerade;
　　Sullennightislaughingday—
　　AlltheyearismerryMay！
　　Ballad:TheBritishTarABritishtarisasoaringsoul，Asfreeasamountainbird，HisenergeticfistshouldbereadytoresistAdictatorialword。
　　Hisnoseshouldpantandhislipshouldcurl，Hischeeksshouldflameandhisbrowshouldfurl，Hisbosomshouldheaveandhisheartshouldglow，Andhisfistbeeverreadyforaknock—downblow。
　　Hiseyesshouldflashwithaninbornfire，Hisbrowwithscornberung;
　　Henevershouldbowdowntoadomineeringfrown，Orthetangofatyranttongue。
　　Hisfootshouldstampandhisthroatshouldgrowl，Hishairshouldtwirlandhisfaceshouldscowl;
　　Hiseyesshouldflashandhisbreastprotrude，Andthisshouldbehiscustomaryattitude！
　　Ballad:AManWhoWouldWooAFairMaidAmanwhowouldwooafairmaid，Should’prenticehimselftothetrade;
　　Andstudyallday，Inmethodicalway，Howtoflatter，cajole，andpersuade。
　　Heshould’prenticehimselfatfourteenAndpractisefrommorningtoe’en;
　　Andwhenhe’sofage，Ifhewill，I’llengage，Hemaycapturetheheartofaqueen！
　　Itispurelyamatterofskill，Whichallmayattainiftheywill:
　　ButeveryJackHemuststudytheknackIfhewantstomakesureofhisJill！
　　Ifhe’smadethebestuseofhistime，Histwighe’llsocarefullylimeThateverybirdWillcomedownathisword。
　　Whateveritsplumageandclime。
　　HemustlearnthatthethrillofatouchMaymeanlittle，ornothing，ormuch;
　　It’saninstrumentrare，Tobehandledwithcare，Andoughttobetreatedassuch。
　　Itispurelyamatterofskill，Whichallmayattainiftheywill:
　　ButeveryJack，HemuststudytheknackIfhewantstomakesureofhisJill！
　　Thenaglancemaybetimidorfree;
　　Itwillvaryinmightydegree，FromanimpudentstareToalookofdespairThatnomaidwithoutpitycansee。
　　Andaglanceofdespairisnoguide—
　　Itmayhaveitsridiculousside;
　　ItmaydrawyouatearOraboxontheear;
　　Youcanneverbesuretillyou’vetried。
　　Itispurelyamatterofskill，Whichallmayattainiftheywill:
　　ButeveryJackHemuststudytheknackIfhewantstomakesureofhisJill！
　　Ballad:TheSorcerer’sSongOh！mynameisJOHNWELLINGTONWELLS—
　　I’madealerinmagicandspells，Inblessingsandcurses，Andever—filledpurses，Inprophecies，witches，andknells！
　　Ifyouwantaproudfoeto"maketracks"—
　　Ifyou’dmeltarichuncleinwax—
　　You’vebuttolookinOnourresidentDjinn，Numberseventy，SimmeryAxe。
　　We’veafirst—classassortmentofmagic;
　　AndforraisingaposthumousshadeWitheffectsthatarecomicortragic，There’snocheaperhouseinthetrade。
　　Love—philtre—we’vequantitiesofit;
　　Andforknowledgeifanyoneburns，Wekeepanextremelysmallprophet，aprophetWhobringsusunboundedreturns:
　　ForhecanprophesyWithawinkOFhiseye，PeepwithsecurityIntofuturity，Sumupyourhistory，Clearupamystery，HumourproclivityForanativity。
　　Withmirrorssomagical，Tetrapodstragical，Bogiesspectacular，Answersoracular，Factsastronomical，Solemnorcomical，And，ifyouwantit，heMakesareductionontakingaquantity！
　　Oh！
　　Ifanyoneanythinglacks，He’llfinditallreadyinstacks，Ifhe’llonlylookinOntheresidentDjinn，Numberseventy，SimmeryAxe！
　　Hecanraiseyouhosts，Ofghosts，Andthatwithoutreflectors;
　　AndcreepythingsWithwings，Andgauntandgrislyspectres！
　　HecanfillyoucrowdsOfshrouds，Andhorrifyyouvastly;
　　HecanrackyourbrainsWithchains，Andgibberingsgrimandghastly。
　　Then，ifyouplanit，heChangesorganityWithanurbanity，FullofSatanity，VexeshumanityWithaninanityFataltovanity—
　　Drivingyourfoestothevergeofinsanity。
　　Barringtautology，Indemonology，’Lectrobiology，Mysticnosology，Spiritphilology，Highclassastrology，Suchishisknowledge，heIsn’tthemantorequireanapologyOh！
　　MynameisJOHNWELLINGTONWELLS，I’madealerinmagicandspells，Inblessingsandcurses，Andever—filledpurses—
　　Inprophecies，witches，andknells。
　　Ifanyoneanythinglacks，He’llfinditallreadyinstacks，Ifhe’llonlylookinOntheresidentDjinn，Numberseventy，SimmeryAxe！
　　Ballad:TheFickleBreezeSighingsoftlytotheriverComesthelovingbreeze，Settingnaturealla—quiver，Rustlingthroughthetrees！
　　AndthebrookinripplingmeasureLaughsforverylove，Whilethepoplars，intheirpleasure，Wavetheirarmsabove！
　　River，river，littleriver，Maythylovingprosperever。
　　Heavenspeedthee，poplartree，Maythywooinghappybe！
　　Yet，thebreezeisbutarover，Whenhewingsaway，Brookandpoplarmournalover！
　　Sighingwell—a—day！
　　Ah，thedoingandundoingThattheroguecouldtell！
　　Whenthebreezeisouta—wooing，Whocanwoosowell？
　　Prettybrook，thydreamisover，Forthyloveisbutarover！
　　Sadthelotofpoplartrees，Courtedbytheficklebreeze！
　　Ballad:TheFirstLord’sSongWhenIwasaladIservedatermAsofficeboytoanAttorney’sfirm;
　　IcleanedthewindowsandIsweptthefloor，AndIpolishedupthehandleofthebigfrontdoor。
　　Ipolishedupthathandlesosuccessfullee，ThatnowIamtheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
　　AsofficeboyImadesuchamarkThattheygavemethepostofajuniorclerk;
　　Iservedthewritswithasmilesobland，AndIcopiedallthelettersinabigroundhand。
　　Icopiedallthelettersinahandsofree，ThatnowIamtheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
　　InservingwritsImadesuchanameThatanarticledclerkIsoonbecame;
　　Iworecleancollarsandabrand—newsuitForthePassExaminationattheInstitute:
　　AndthatPassExaminationdidsowellforme，ThatnowIamtheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
　　OflegalknowledgeIacquiredsuchagripThattheytookmeintothepartnership，AndthatjuniorpartnershipIween，WastheonlyshipthatIeverhadseen:
　　Butthatkindofshipsosuitedme，ThatnowIamtheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
　　IgrewsorichthatIwassentByapocketboroughintoParliament;
　　IalwaysvotedatmyParty’scall，AndIneverthoughtofthinkingformyselfatall。
　　Ithoughtsolittle，theyrewardedme，BymakingmetheRuleroftheQueen’sNavee！
　　Now，landsmenall，whoeveryoumaybe，Ifyouwanttorisetothetopofthetree—
　　Ifyoursoulisn’tfetteredtoanofficestool，Becarefultobeguidedbythisgoldenrule—
　　StickclosetoyourdesksandNEVERGOTOSEA，AndyouallmaybeRulersoftheQueen’sNavee！
　　Ballad:WouldYouKnow？
　　WouldyouknowthekindofmaidSetsmyheartaflame—a？
　　Eyesmustbedowncastandstaid，Cheeksmustflushforshame—a！
　　Shemayneitherdancenorsing，But，demureineverything，HangherheadinmodestwayWithpoutinglipsthatseemtosay，"Kissme，kissme，kissme，kissme，ThoughIdieofshame—a！"
　　Pleaseyou，that’sthekindofmaidSetsmyheartaflame—a！
　　WhenamaidisboldandgayWithatonguegoesclang—a，Flauntingitinbravearray，Maidenmaygohang—a！
　　SunflowergayandhollyhockNevershallmygardenstock;
　　MinetheblushingroseofMay，Withpoutinglipsthatseemtosay"Oh，kissme，kissme，kissme，kissme，ThoughIdieforshame—a！"
　　Pleaseyou，that’sthekindofmaidSetsmyheartaflame—a！
　　Ballad:SpeculationComesatrainoflittleladiesFromscholastictrammelsfree，Eachalittlebitafraidis，Wonderingwhattheworldcanbe！
　　Isitbutaworldoftrouble—
　　Sadnesssettosong？
　　IsitsbeautybutabubbleBoundtobreakerelong？
　　AreitspalacesandpleasuresFantasiesthatfade？
　　AndthegloryofitstreasuresShadowofashade？
　　Schoolgirlswe，eighteenandunder，Fromscholastictrammelsfree，Andwewonder—howwewonder！—
　　Whatonearththeworldcanbe！
　　Ballad:AhMe！
　　Whenmaidenloves，shesitsandsighs，Shewanderstoandfro;
　　Unbiddentear—dropsfillhereyes，Andtoallquestionsshereplies，Withasadheigho！
　　’Tisbutalittleword—"heigho！"
　　Sosoft，’tisscarcelyheard—"heigho！"
　　Anidlebreath—
　　YetlifeanddeathMayhanguponamaid’s"heigho！"
　　Whenmaidenloves，shemopesapart，Asowlmopesonatree;
　　Althoughshekeenlyfeelsthesmart，Shecannottellwhatailsherheart，Withitssad"Ahme！"
　　’Tisbutafoolishsigh—"Ahme！"
　　Bornbuttodroopanddie—"Ahme！"
　　YetallthesenseOfeloquenceLieshiddeninamaid’s"Ahme！"
　　Ballad:TheDukeOfPlaza—ToroInenterpriseofmartialkind，Whentherewasanyfighting，Heledhisregimentfrombehind（Hefounditlessexciting）。
　　Butwhenawayhisregimentran，Hisplacewasatthefore，O—
　　Thatcelebrated，Cultivated，UnderratedNobleman，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
　　Inthefirstandforemostflight，ha，ha！
　　Youalwaysfoundthatknight，ha，ha！
　　Thatcelebrated，Cultivated，UnderratedNobleman，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
　　When，toevadeDestruction’shand，Tohidetheyallproceeded，NosoldierinthatgallantbandHidhalfaswellashedid。
　　Helayconcealedthroughoutthewar，Andsopreservedhisgore，O！
　　Thatunaffected，Undetected，WellconnectedWarrior，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
　　Ineverydoughtydeed，ha，ha！
　　Healwaystookthelead，ha，ha！
　　Thatunaffected，Undetected，WellconnectedWarrior，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
　　WhentoldthattheywouldallbeshotUnlesstheylefttheservice，Thatherohesitatednot，Somarvelloushisnerveis。
　　Hesenthisresignationin，Thefirstofallhiscorps，O！
　　Thatveryknowing，Overflowing，Easy—goingPaladin，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
　　Tomenofgrosserclay，ha，ha！
　　Healwaysshowedtheway，ha，ha！
　　Thatveryknowing，Overflowing，Easy—goingPaladin，TheDukeofPlaza—Toro！
　　Ballad:TheAestheteIfyou’reanxiousfortoshineinthehighaestheticline，asamanofculturerare，Youmustgetupallthegermsofthetranscendentalterms，andplantthemeverywhere。
　　Youmustlieuponthedaisiesanddiscourseinnovelphrasesofyourcomplicatedstateofmind（Themeaningdoesn’tmatterifit’sonlyidlechatterofatranscendentalkind）。