Andeveryonewillsay，Asyouwalkyourmysticway，"IfthisyoungmanexpresseshimselfintermstoodeepforME，Why，whataverysingularlydeepyoungmanthisdeepyoungmanmustbe！"
　　Beeloquentinpraiseoftheverydullolddayswhichhavelongsincepassedaway，Andconvince’em，ifyoucan，thatthereignofgoodQUEENANNEwasCulture’spalmiestday。
　　Ofcourseyouwillpooh—poohwhatever’sfreshandnew，anddeclareit’scrudeandmean，AndthatArtstoppedshortinthecultivatedcourtoftheEMPRESS
　　JOSEPHINE。
　　Andeveryonewillsay，Asyouwalkyourmysticway，"Ifthat’snotgoodenoughforhimwhichisgoodenoughforME，Why，whataverycultivatedkindofyouththiskindofyouthmustbe！"
　　Thenasentimentalpassionofavegetablefashionmustexciteyourlanguidspleen，AnattachmentELAPlatoforabashfulyoungpotato，oranot—too—
　　FrenchFrenchbean。
　　ThoughthePhilistinesmayjostle，youwillrankasanapostleinthehighaestheticband，IfyouwalkdownPiccadillywithapoppyoralilyinyourmediaevalhand。
　　Andeveryonewillsay，Asyouwalkyourfloweryway，"Ifhe’scontentwithavegetablelovewhichwouldcertainlynotsuitME，Why，whatamostparticularlypureyoungmanthispureyoungmanmustbe！"
　　Ballad:SaidIToMyself，SaidI
　　WhenIwenttotheBarasaveryyoungman（SaidItomyself—saidI），I’llworkonanewandoriginalplan（SaidItomyself—saidI），I’llneverassumethatarogueorathiefIsagentlemanworthyimplicitbelief，Becausehisattorney，hassentmeabrief（SaidItomyself—saidI！）
　　I’llneverthrowdustinajuryman’seyes（SaidItomyself—saidI），Orhoodwinkajudgewhoisnotover—wise（SaidItomyself—saidI），OrassumethatthewitnessessummonedinforceInExchequer，Queen’sBench，CommonPleas，orDivorce，Haveperjuredthemselvesasamatterofcourse（SaidItomyself—saidI！）
　　EreIgointocourtIwillreadmybriefthrough（SaidItomyself—saidI），AndI’llnevertakeworkI’munabletodo（SaidItomyself—saidI）。
　　MylearnedprofessionI’llneverdisgraceBytakingafeewithagrinonmyface，WhenIhaven’tbeentheretoattendtothecase（SaidItomyself—saidI！）
　　Inotherprofessionsinwhichmenengage（SaidItomyself—saidI），TheArmy，theNavy，theChurch，andtheStage，（SaidItomyself—saidI），Professionallicence，ifcarriedtoofar，Yourchanceofpromotionwillcertainlymar—
　　AndIfancytherulemightapplytotheBar（SaidItomyself—saidI！）
　　Ballad:SorryHerLotSorryherlotwholovestoowell，Heavytheheartthathopesbutvainly，SadarethesighsthatownthespellUtteredbyeyesthatspeaktooplainly;
　　HeavythesorrowthatbowstheheadWhenLoveisaliveandHopeisdead！
　　SadisthehourwhensetstheSun—
　　DarkisthenighttoEarth’spoordaughters，WhentothearktheweariedoneFliesfromtheemptywasteofwaters！
　　HeavythesorrowthatbowstheheadWhenLoveisaliveandHopeisdead！
　　Ballad:TheContemplativeSentryWhenallnightlongachapremainsOnsentry—go，tochasemonotonyHeexercisesofhisbrains，Thatis，assumingthathe’sgotany。
　　ThoughnevernurturedinthelapOfluxury，yetIadmonishyou，Iamanintellectualchap，Andthinkofthingsthatwouldastonishyou。
　　Ioftenthinkit’scomicalHowNaturealwaysdoescontriveThateveryboyandeverygal，That’sbornintotheworldalive，IseitheralittleLiberal，OrelsealittleConservative！
　　Fallalla！
　　WheninthathouseM。P。’sdivide，Ifthey’veabrainandcerebellum，too，They’vegottoleavethatbrainoutside，Andvotejustastheirleaderstell’emto。
　　ButthentheprospectofalotOfstatesmen，allincloseproximity，A—thinkingforthemselves，iswhatNomancanfacewithequanimity。
　　Thenlet’srejoicewithloudFallalThatNaturewiselydoescontriveThateveryboyandeverygal，That’sbornintotheworldalive，IseitheralittleLiberal，OrelsealittleConservative！
　　Fallalla！
　　Ballad:ThePhilosophicPillI’vewisdomfromtheEastandfromtheWest，That’ssubjecttonoacademicrule;
　　Youmayfinditinthejeeringofajest，Ordistilitfromthefollyofafool。
　　Icanteachyouwithaquip，ifI’veamind;
　　Icantrickyouintolearningwithalaugh;
　　Oh，winnowallmyfolly，andyou’llfindAgrainortwooftruthamongthechaff！
　　Icansetabraggartquailingwithaquip，TheupstartIcanwitherwithawhim;
　　Hemaywearamerrylaughuponhislip，Buthislaughterhasanechothatisgrim。
　　Whenthey’veofferedtotheworldinmerryguise，Unpleasanttruthsareswallowedwithawill—
　　Forhewho’dmakehisfellow—creatureswiseShouldalwaysgildthephilosophicpill！
　　Ballad:BlueBloodSpurnnotthenoblybornWithloveaffected，NortreatwithvirtuousscornThewellconnected。
　　Highrankinvolvesnoshame—
　　WeboastanequalclaimWithhimofhumblenameToberespected！
　　Blueblood！Blueblood！
　　Whenvirtuousloveissought，Thypowerisnaught，ThoughdatingfromtheFlood，Blueblood！
　　SpareusthebitterpainOfsterndenials，Norwithlow—borndisdainAugmentourtrials。
　　HeartsjustaspureandfairMaybeatinBelgraveSquareAsinthelowlyairOfSevenDials！
　　Blueblood！Blueblood！
　　OfwhatavailartthouToservemenow？
　　ThoughdatingfromtheFlood，Blueblood！
　　Ballad:TheJudge’sSongWhenI，goodfriends，wascalledtotheBar，I’danappetitefreshandhearty，ButIwas，asmanyyoungbarristersare，Animpecuniousparty。
　　I’daswallow—tailcoatofabeautifulblue—
　　Abriefwhichwasbroughtbyabooby—
　　Acoupleofshirtsandacollarortwo，Andaringthatlookedlikearuby！
　　InWestminsterHallIdancedadance，Likeasemi—despondentfury;
　　ForIthoughtIshouldneverhitonachanceOfaddressingaBritishJury—
　　ButIsoongottiredofthird—classjourneys，Anddinnersofbreadandwater;
　　SoIfellinlovewitharichattorney’sElderly，uglydaughter。
　　Therichattorney，hewipedhiseyes，Andrepliedtomyfondprofessions:
　　"Youshallreaptherewardofyourenterprise，AttheBaileyandMiddlesexSessions。
　　You’llsoongetusedtoherlooks，"saidhe，"Andaverynicegirlyou’llfindher—
　　Shemayverywellpassforforty—threeInthedusk，withalightbehindher！"
　　Therichattorneywasasgoodashisword:
　　Thebriefscametroopinggaily，AndeverydaymyvoicewasheardAttheSessionsorAncientBailey。
　　AllthieveswhocouldmyfeesaffordReliedonmyorations，AndmanyaburglarI’verestoredTohisfriendsandhisrelations。
　　AtlengthIbecameasrichastheGURNEYS—
　　AnincubusthenIthoughther，SoIthrewoverthatrichattorney’sElderly，uglydaughter。
　　TherichattorneymycharacterhighTriedvainlytodisparage—
　　Andnow，ifyouplease，I’mreadytotryThisBreachofPromiseofMarriage！
　　Ballad:WhenIFirstPutThisUniformOnWhenIfirstputthisuniformon，Isaid，asIlookedintheglass，"It’sonetoamillionThatanycivilianMyfigureandformwillsurpass。
　　Goldlacehasacharmforthefair，AndI’veplentyofthat，andtospare，Whilealover’sprofessions，WhenutteredinHessians，Areeloquenteverywhere！"
　　AfactthatIcountedupon，WhenIfirstputthisuniformon！
　　Isaid，whenIfirstputiton，"ItisplaintotheveriestdunceThateverybeautyWillfeelitherdutyToyieldtoitsglamouratonce。
　　TheywillseethatI’mfreelygold—lacedInauniformhandsomeandchaste"—
　　ButtheperipateticsOflong—hairedaesthetics，Areverymuchmoretotheirtaste—
　　WhichInevercounteduponWhenIfirstputthisuniformon！
　　Ballad:SolatiumComesthebrokenflower—
　　Comesthecheatedmaid—
　　Thoughthetempestlower，Rainandcloudwillfade！
　　Take，Omaid，theseposies:
　　ThoughthybeautyrareShametheblushingroses，Theyarepassingfair！
　　Weartheflowerstilltheyfade;
　　Happybethylife，Omaid！
　　O’ertheseasonvernal，Timemaycastashade;
　　Sunshine，ifeternal，Makestherosesfade:
　　Timemaydohisduty;
　　Letthethiefalone—
　　WinterhathabeautyThatisallhisown。
　　Fairestdaysaresunandshade:
　　Happybethylife，Omaid！
　　Ballad:ANightmareWhenyou’relyingawakewithadismalheadache，andreposeistaboo’dbyanxiety，Iconceiveyoumayuseanylanguageyouchoosetoindulgeinwithoutimpropriety;
　　Foryourbrainisonfire—thebedclothesconspireofusualslumbertoplunderyou:
　　Firstyourcounterpanegoesanduncoversyourtoes，andyoursheetslipsdemurelyfromunderyou;
　　Thentheblanketingtickles—youfeellikemixedpickles，soterriblysharpisthepricking，Andyou’rehot，andyou’recross，andyoutumbleandtosstillthere’snothing’twixtyouandtheticking。
　　Thenthebedclothesallcreeptothegroundinaheap，andyoupick’emallupinatangle;
　　Nextyourpillowresignsandpolitelydeclinestoremainatitsusualangle！
　　Well，yougetsomereposeintheformofadoze，withhoteyeballsandheadeveraching，Butyourslumberingteemswithsuchhorribledreamsthatyou’dverymuchbetterbewaking;
　　ForyoudreamyouarecrossingtheChannel，andtossingaboutinasteamerfromHarwich，Whichissomethingbetweenalargebathing—machineandaverysmallsecond—classcarriage;
　　Andyou’regivingatreat（pennyiceandcoldmeat）toapartyoffriendsandrelations—
　　They’rearavenoushorde—andtheyallcameonboardatSloaneSquareandSouthKensingtonStations。
　　Andboundonthatjourneyyoufindyourattorney（whostartedthatmorningfromDevon）;
　　He’sabitundersized，andyoudon’tfeelsurprisedwhenhetellsyouhe’sonlyeleven。
　　Well，you’redrivinglikemadwiththissingularlad（bythebyetheship’snowafour—wheeler），Andyou’replayingroundgames，andhecallsyoubadnameswhenyoutellhimthat"tiespaythedealer";
　　Butthisyoucan’tstand，soyouthrowupyourhand，andyoufindyou’reascoldasanicicle，Inyourshirtandyoursocks（theblacksilkwithgoldclocks），crossingSalisburyPlainonabicycle:
　　Andheandthecrewareonbicyclestoo—whichthey’vesomehoworotherinvestedin—
　　Andhe’stellingthetarsalltheparticuLARSofacompanyhe’sinterestedin—
　　It’saschemeofdevices，togetatlowprices，allgoodsfromcoughmixturestocables（Whichtickledthesailors）bytreatingretailers，asthoughtheywereallvegeTAbles—
　　Yougetagoodspadesmantoplantasmalltradesman（firsttakeoffhisbootswithaboot—tree），Andhislegswilltakeroot，andhisfingerswillshoot，andthey’llblossomandbudlikeafruit—tree—
　　Fromthegreengrocertreeyougetgrapesandgreenpea，cauliflower，pineapple，andcranberries，Whilethepastry—cookplantcherry—brandywillgrant—applepuffs，andthree—corners，andbanberries—
　　Thesharesareapenny，andeversomanyaretakenbyROTHSCHILD
　　andBARING，Andjustasafewareallottedtoyou，youawakewithashudderdespairing—
　　You’rearegularwreck，withacrickinyourneck，andnowonderyousnore，foryourhead’sonthefloor，andyou’veneedlesandpinsfromyoursolestoyourshins，andyourfleshisa—creep，foryourleftleg’sasleep，andyou’vecrampinyourtoes，andaflyonyournose，andsomefluffinyourlung，andafeverishtongue，andathirstthat’sintense，andageneralsensethatyouhaven’tbeensleepinginclover;
　　Butthedarknesshaspassed，andit’sdaylightatlast，andthenighthasbeenlong—ditto，dittomysong—andthankgoodnessthey’rebothofthemover！
　　Ballad:Don’tForget！
　　Now，Marco，dear，Mywisheshear:
　　Whileyou’reawayIt’sunderstoodYouwillbegood，Andnottoogay。
　　ToeverytraceOfmaidengraceYouwillbeblind，AndwillnotglanceByanychanceOnwomankind！
　　Ifyouarewise，You’llshutyoureyesTillwearrive，AndnotaddressAladylessThanforty—five;
　　You’llpleasetofrownOneverygownThatyoumaysee;
　　AndO，mypet，Youwon’tforgetYou’vemarriedme！
　　O，mydarling，O，mypet，Whateverelseyoumayforget，Inyonderislebeyondthesea，O，don’tforgetyou’vemarriedme！
　　You’lllayyourheadUponyourbedAtsetofsun。
　　YouwillnotsingOfanythingToanyone:
　　You’llsitandmopeAllday，Ihope，AndshedatearUponthelifeYourlittlewifeIspassinghere！
　　AndifsobeYouthinkofme，Pleasetellthemoon;
　　I’llreaditallInraysthatfallOnthelagoon:
　　You’llbesokindAstellthewindHowyoumaybe，AndsendmewordsBylittlebirdsTocomfortme！
　　AndO，mydarling，O，mypet，Whateverelseyoumayforget，Inyonderislebeyondthesea，O，don’tforgetyou’vemarriedme！
　　Ballad:TheSuicide’sGraveOnatreebyariveralittletomtitSang"Willow，titwillow，titwillow！"
　　AndIsaidtohim，"Dicky—bird，whydoyousitSinging’Willow，titwillow，titwillow’？
　　Isitweaknessofintellect，birdie？"Icried，"Orarathertoughworminyourlittleinside？"
　　Withashakeofhispoorlittleheadhereplied，"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！"
　　Heslappedathischest，ashesatonthatbough，Singing"Willow，titwillow，titwillow！"
　　Andacoldperspirationbespangledhisbrow，Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！
　　Hesobbedandhesighed，andagurglehegave，Thenhethrewhimselfintothebillowywave，Andanechoarosefromthesuicide’sgrave—
　　"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！"
　　NowIfeeljustassureasI’msurethatmynameIsn’tWillow，titwillow，titwillow，That’twasblightedaffectionthatmadehimexclaim，"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！"
　　Andifyouremaincallousandobdurate，I
　　Shallperishashedid，andyouwillknowwhy，ThoughIprobablyshallnotexclaimasIdie，"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！"
　　Ballad:HeAndShe[HE。]Iknowayouthwholovesalittlemaid—
　　（Hey，buthisfaceisasightfortosee！）
　　Silentishe，forhe’smodestandafraid—
　　（Hey，buthe’stimidasayouthcanbe！）
　　[SHE。]Iknowamaidwholovesagallantyouth—
　　（Hey，butshesickensasthedaysgoby！）
　　SHEcannottellhimallthesad，sadtruth—
　　（Hey，butIthinkthatlittlemaidwilldie！）
　　[BOTH。]Nowtellmepray，andtellmetrue，Whatintheworldshouldthepoorsouldo？
　　[HE。]Hecannoteatandhecannotsleep—
　　（Hey，buthisfaceisasightfortosee！）
　　Dailyhegoesfortowail—fortoweep—
　　（Hey，buthe’swretchedasayouthcanbe！）
　　[SHE。]She’sverythinandshe’sverypale—
　　（Hey，butshesickensasthedaysgoby！）
　　Dailyshegoesfortoweep—fortowail—
　　（Hey，butIthinkthatlittlemaidwilldie！）
　　[BOTH。]Nowtellmepray，andtellmetrue，Whatintheworldshouldthepoorsouldo？
　　[SHE。]IfIweretheyouthIshouldofferhermyname—
　　（Hey，butherfaceisasightfortosee！）
　　[HE。]IfIwerethemaidIshouldfanhishonestflame—
　　（Hey，buthe’sbashfulasayouthcanbe！）
　　[SHE。]IfIweretheyouthIshouldspeaktoherto—day—
　　（Hey，butshesickensasthedaysgoby！）
　　[HE。]IfIwerethemaidIshouldmeettheladhalfway—
　　（ForIreallydobelievethattimidyouthwilldie！）
　　[BOTH。]Ithankyoumuchforyourcounseltrue;
　　I’velearntwhatthatpoorsouloughttodo！
　　Ballad:TheMightyMustComemightyMust！
　　InevitableShall！
　　IntheeItrust。
　　Timeweavesmycoronal！
　　GomockingIs！
　　GodisappointingWas！
　　ThatIamthisYearethecursedcause！
　　YethumbleSecondshallbeFirst，Iween;
　　AnddeadandburiedbethecurstHasBeen！
　　OhweakMightBe！
　　OhMay，Might，Could，Would，Should！
　　HowpowerlessyeForevilorforgood！
　　IneverysenseYourmoodsIcheerlesscall，Whate’eryourtenseYeareImperfect，all！
　　YehavedeceivedthetrustI’veshownInye！
　　Away！TheMightyMustaloneShallbe！
　　Ballad:AMirageWereIthybride，ThenthewholeworldbesideWerenottoowideToholdmywealthoflove—
　　WereIthybride！
　　UponthybreastMylovingheadwouldrest，AsonhernestThetenderturtle—dove—
　　WereIthybride！
　　ThisheartofmineWouldbeoneheartwiththine，AndinthatshrineOurhappinesswoulddwell—
　　WereIthybride！
　　AndalldaylongOurlivesshouldbeasong:
　　Nogrief，nowrongShouldmakemyheartrebel—
　　WereIthybride！
　　Thesilveryflute，Themelancholylute，Werenight—owl’shootTomylow—whisperedcoo—
　　WereIthybride！
　　Theskylark’strillWerebutdiscordanceshrillTothesoftthrillOfwooingasI’dwoo—
　　WereIthybride！
　　Therose’ssighWereasacarrion’scryTolullabySuchasI’dsingtothee—
　　WereIthybride！
　　Afeather’spressWereleadenheavinessTomycaress。
　　Butthen，unhappily，I’mnotthybride！
　　Ballad:TheGhosts’HighNoonWhenthenightwindhowlsinthechimneycowls，andthebatinthemoonlightflies，Andinkyclouds，likefuneralshrouds，sailoverthemidnightskies—
　　Whenthefootpadsquailatthenight—bird’swail，andblackdogsbaythemoon，Thenisthespectres’holiday—thenistheghosts’highnoon！
　　Asthesobofthebreezesweepsoverthetrees，andthemistslielowonthefen，Fromgreytombstonesaregatheredthebonesthatoncewerewomenandmen，Andawaytheygo，withamopandamow，totherevelthatendstoosoon，Forcockcrowlimitsourholiday—thedeadofthenight’shighnoon！
　　Andtheneachghostwithhisladye—toasttotheirchurchyardbedstakeflight，Withakiss，perhaps，onherlanternchaps，andagrislygrim"goodnight";
　　Tillthewelcomeknellofthemidnightbellringsforthitsjolliesttune，Andushersournexthighholiday—thedeadofthenight’shighnoon！
　　Ballad:TheHumaneMikadoAmorehumaneMikadoneverDidinJapanexist;
　　Tonobodysecond，I’mcertainlyreckonedAtruephilanthropist。
　　ItismyveryhumaneendeavourTomake，tosomeextent，EachevilliverArunningriverOfharmlessmerriment。
　　MyobjectallsublimeIshallachieveintime—
　　Toletthepunishmentfitthecrime—
　　Thepunishmentfitthecrime;
　　AndmakeeachprisonerpentUnwillinglyrepresentAsourceofinnocentmerriment—
　　Ofinnocentmerriment！
　　Allprosydullsocietysinners，Whochatterandbleatandbore，AresenttohearsermonsFrommysticalGermansWhopreachfromtentofour:
　　Theamateurtenor，whosevocalvillainiesAlldesiretoshirk，Shall，duringoff—hours，ExhibithispowersToMadameTussaud’swaxwork:
　　Theladywhodyesachemicalyellow，Orstainshergreyhairpuce，Orpinchesherfigger，IsblackedlikeaniggerWithpermanentwalnutjuice:
　　Theidiotwho，inrailwaycarriages，Scribblesonwindowpanes，WeonlysufferTorideonabufferInParliamentarytrains。
　　MyobjectallsublimeIshallachieveintime—
　　Toletthepunishmentfitthecrime—
　　Thepunishmentfitthecrime;
　　AndmakeeachprisonerpentUnwillinglyrepresentAsourceofinnocentmerriment—
　　Ofinnocentmerriment！