JOHN。——Verygood。Bringupabottleofthebrownhock？Helikesthebrownhock，Touchitdoes。[ExitJOHN。]
　　EnterChildren。TheyruntoMILLIKEN。
　　BOTH。——Howd’youdo，Papa！Howdoyoudo，Papa！
　　MILLIKEN。——Kissyouroldfather，Arabella。Comehere，George——
　　What？
　　GEORGE。——Don’tcareforkissing——kissing’sforgals。HaveyoubroughtmethatbatfromLondon？
　　MILLIKEN。——Yes。Here’sthebat;andhere’stheball[takesonefrompocket]——and——
　　GEORGE。——Where’sthewickets，Papa。O—o—o——where’sthewickets？
　　[howls。]
　　MILLIKEN。——Mydear，darlingboy！Ileftthemattheoffice。WhatasillypapaIwastoforgetthem！Parkinsforgotthem。
　　GEORGE。——Thenturnhimaway，Isay！Turnhimaway！[Hestamps。]
　　MILLIKEN。——What！anold，faithfulclerkandservantofyourfatherandgrandfatherforthirtyyearspast？Anoldman，wholovesusall，andhasnothingbutourpaytoliveon？
　　ARABELLA。——Oh，younaughtyboy！
　　GEORGE。——Iain’tanaughtyboy。
　　ARABELLA。——Youareanaughtyboy。
　　GEORGE。——He！he！he！he！[Grinsather。]
　　MILLIKEN。——Hush，children！Here，Arabelladarling，hereisabookforyou。Look——aren’ttheyprettypictures？
　　ARABELLA。——Isitastory，Papa？Idon’tcareforstoriesingeneral。Ilikesomethinginstructiveandserious。GrandmammaBonningtonandgrandpapasay——
　　GEORGE。——He’sNOTyourgrandpapa。
　　ARABELLA。——HeISmygrandpapa。
　　GEORGE。——Oh，yougreatstory！Look！look！there’sacab。[Runsout。TheheadofaHansomcabisseenoverthegarden—gate。Bellrings。Pagecomes。AltercationbetweenCabmanandCaptainTOUCHIT
　　appearstogoon，duringwhich]
　　MILLIKEN。——Comeandkissyouroldfather，Arabella。He’shungryforkisses。
　　ARABELLA。——Don’t。Iwanttogoandlookatthecab;andtotellCaptainTouchitthathemustn’tusenaughtywords。[Runstowardsgarden。Pageisseencarryingacarpet—bag。]
　　EnterTOUCHITthroughtheopenwindowsmokingacigar。
　　TOUCHIT。——Howd’yedo，Milliken？Howaretallows，hey，mynoblemerchant？Ihavebroughtmybag，andintendtosleep——
　　GEORGE。——Isay，godpapa——
　　TOUCHIT。——Well，godson！
　　GEORGE。——Giveusacigar！
　　TOUCHIT。——Oh，youenfantterrible！
　　MILLIKEN[wheezily]。——Ah——ahem——GeorgeTouchit！youwouldn’tmind——
　　a——smokingthatcigarinthegarden，wouldyou？Ah——ah！
　　TOUCHIT。——Hullo！What’sinthewindnow？Youusedtobeamostinveteratesmoker，Horace。
　　MILLIKEN。——Thefactis——mymother—in—law——LadyKicklebury——doesn’tlikeit，andwhileshe’swithus，youknow——
　　TOUCHIT。——Ofcourse，ofcourse[throwsawaycigar]。Ibegherladyship’spardon。Irememberwhenyouwerecourtingherdaughtersheusednottomindit。
　　MILLIKEN。——Don’t——don’talludetothosetimes。[Helooksupathiswife’spicture。]
　　GEORGE。——MymammawasaKicklebury。TheKickleburysaretheoldestfamilyinalltheworld。MynameisGeorgeKickleburyMilliken，ofPigeoncot，Hants;theGrove，Richmond，Surrey;andPortlandPlace，London，Esquire——mynameis。
　　TOUCHIT。——YouhaveforgottenBilliterStreet，hempandtallowmerchant。
　　GEORGE。——Oh，bother！Idon’tcareaboutthat。IshallleavethatwhenI’maman:whenI’mamanandcomeintomyproperty。
　　MILLIKEN。——Youcomeintoyourproperty？
　　GEORGE。——Ishall，youknow，whenyou’redead，Papa。Ishallhavethishouse，andPigeoncot;andthehouseintown——no，Idon’tmindaboutthehouseintown——andIshan’tletBellalivewithme——no，I
　　won’t。
　　BELLA。——No;Iwon’tlivewithYOU。AndI’LLhavePigeoncot。
　　GEORGE。——Youshan’thavePigeoncot。I’llhaveit:andtheponies:
　　andIwon’tletyouridethem——andthedogs，andyoushan’thaveevenapuppytoplaywithandthedairyandwon’tIhaveasmuchcreamasIlike——that’sall！
　　TOUCHIT。——Whatadarlingboy！Yourchildrenarebroughtupbeautifully，Milliken。It’squitedelightfultoseethemtogether。
　　GEORGE。——AndIshallsinkthenameofMilliken，Ishall。
　　MILLIKEN。——Sinkthename？why，George？
　　GEORGE。——BecausetheMillikensarenobodies——grandmammasaystheyarenobodies。TheKickleburysaregentlemen，andcameoverwithWilliamtheConqueror。
　　BELLA。——Iknowwhenthatwas。Onethousandonehundredandonethousandonehundredandonety—one！
　　GEORGE。——Botherwhentheycameover！ButIknowthis，whenIcomeintothepropertyIshallsinkthenameofMilliken。
　　MILLIKEN。——Soyouareashamedofyourfather’sname，areyou，George，myboy？
　　GEORGE。——Ashamed！No，Iain’tashamed。OnlyKickleburyissweller。Iknowitis。Grandmammasaysso。
　　BELLA。——MYgrandmammadoesnotsayso。MYdeargrandmammasaysthatfamilyprideissinful，andallbelongstothiswickedworld;
　　andthatinaveryfewyearswhatournamesarewillnotmatter。
　　GEORGE。——Yes，shesayssobecauseherfatherkeptashop;andsodidPa’sfatherkeepasortofshop——onlyPa’sagentlemannow。
　　TOUCHIT。——Darlingchild！HowIwishIweremarried！IfIhadsuchadearboyasyou，George，doyouknowwhatIwouldgivehim？
　　GEORGE[quitepleased]。——Whatwouldyougivehim，god—papa？
　　TOUCHIT。——Iwouldgivehimassoundafloggingaseverboyhad，mydarling。Iwouldwhipthisnonsenseoutofhim。Iwouldsendhimtoschool，whereIwouldpraythathemightbewellthrashed:andifwhenhecamehomehewasstillashamedofhisfather，Iwouldputhimapprenticetoachimney—sweep——that’swhatIwoulddo。
　　GEORGE。——I’mgladyou’renotmyfather，that’sall。
　　BELLA。——AndI’Mgladyou’renotmyfather，becauseyouareawickedman！
　　MILLIKEN。——Arabella！
　　BELLA。——Grandmammasaysso。Heisaworldlyman，andtheworldiswicked。Andhegoestotheplay:andhesmokes，andhesays——
　　TOUCHIT。——Bella，whatdoIsay？
　　BELLA。——Oh，somethingdreadful！Youknowyoudo！Iheardyousayittothecabman。
　　TOUCHIT。——SoIdid，soIdid！HeaskedmefifteenshillingsfromPiccadilly，andItoldhimtogoto——tosomebodywhosenamebeginswithaD。
　　CHILDREN。——Here’sanothercarriagepassing。
　　BELLA。——TheLadyRumble’scarriage。
　　GEORGE。——No，itain’t:it’sCaptainBoxer’scarriage[theyrunintothegarden]。
　　TOUCHIT。——Andthisisthepasstowhichyouhavebroughtyourself，HoraceMilliken！Why，inyourwife’stime，itwasbetterthanthis，mypoorfellow！
　　MILLIKEN。——Don’tspeakofherinTHATway，GeorgeTouchit！
　　TOUCHIT。——WhathaveIsaid？Iamonlyregrettingherlossforoursake。Shetyrannizedoveryou;turnedyourfriendsoutofdoors;
　　tookyournameoutofyourclubs;draggedyouaboutfrompartytoparty，thoughyoucannomoredancethanabear，andfromoperatoopera，thoughyoudon’tknow"GodSavetheQueen"from"RuleBritannia。"Youdon’t，sir;youknowyoudon’t。ButArabellawasbetterthanhermother，whohastakenpossessionofyousinceyourwidowhood。
　　MILLIKEN。——Mydearfellow！no，shehasn’t。There’sMYmother。
　　TOUCHIT。——Yes，tobesure，there’sMrs。Bonnington，andtheyquarreloveryoulikethetwoladiesoverthebabybeforeKingSolomon。
　　MILLIKEN。——Playthesatirist，mygoodfriend！laughatmyweakness！
　　TOUCHIT。——Iknowyoutobeaspluckyafellowaseverstepped，Milliken，whenaman’sinthecase。IknowyouandIstooduptoeachotherforanhourandahalfatWestminster。
　　MILLIKEN。——Thankyou！Wewerebothdragonsofwar！tremendouschampions！PerhapsIamalittlesoftasregardswomen。Iknowmyweaknesswellenough;butinmycasewhatismyremedy？Putyourselfinmyposition。Beawidowerwithtwoyoungchildren。
　　Whatismorenaturalthanthatthemotherofmypoorwifeshouldcomeandsuperintendmyfamily？Myownmothercan’t。Shehasahalf—dozenoflittlehalfbrothersandsisters，andahusbandofherowntoattendto。IdaresayMr。Bonningtonandmymotherwillcometodinnerto—day。
　　TOUCHIT。——Ofcoursetheywill，mypooroldMilliken，youdon’tdaretodinewithoutthem。
　　MILLIKEN。——Don’tgooninthatmanner，GeorgeTouchit！Whyshouldnotmystep—fatherandmymotherdinewithme？Icanaffordit。I
　　amadomesticmanandliketoseemyrelationsaboutme。Iaminthecityallday。
　　TOUCHIT。——Luckilyforyou。
　　MILLIKEN。——Andmypleasureofaneveningistositundermyownvineandundermyownfig—treewithmyownolive—branchesroundaboutme;tositbymyfirewithmychildrenatmyknees:tocozeoverasnugbottleofclaretafterdinnerwithafriendlikeyoutoshareit;toseetheyoungfolksatthebreakfast—tableofamorning，andtokissthemandsoofftobusinesswithacheerfulheart。Thiswasmyschemeinmarrying，haditpleasedheaventoprospermyplan。WhenIwasaboyandcamefromschoolandcollege，IusedtoseeMr。Bonnington，myfather—in—law，withHIS
　　youngonesclusteringroundabouthim，sohappytobewithhim！soeagertowaitonhim！alldownontheirlittlekneesroundmymotherbeforebreakfastorjumpinguponhisafterdinner。Itwaswhoshouldreachhishat，andwhoshouldbringhiscoat，andwhoshouldfetchhisumbrella，andwhoshouldgetthelastkiss。
　　TOUCHIT。——What？didn’thekissYOU？Oh，thehard—heartedoldogre！
　　MILLIKEN。——DON’T，Touchit！Don’tlaughatMr。Bonnington！heisasgoodafellowaseverbreathed。Betweenyouandme，asmyhalfbrothersandsistersincreasedandmultipliedyearafteryear，I
　　usedtofeelratherlonely，ratherbowledout，youunderstand。ButIsawthemsohappythatIlongedtohaveahomeofmyown。WhenmymotherproposedArabellaforme（forsheandLadyKickleburywereimmensefriendsatonetime），Iwasgladenoughtogiveupclubsandbachelorhood，andtosettledownasamarriedman。Mymotheractedforthebest。Mypoorwife’scharacter，mymotherusedtosay，changedaftermarriage。IwasnotashappyasIhopedtobe;butItriedforit。George，IamnotsocomfortablenowasImightbe。Ahousewithoutamistress，withtwomothers—in—lawreigningoverit——oneworldlyandaristocratic，anotherwhatyoucallserious，thoughshedon’tmindarubberofwhist:Igiveyoumyhonormymotherplaysagameatwhist，andanuncommonlygoodgametoo——eachwomandraggingoverachildtoherside:ofcoursesuchafamilycannotbecomfortable。[Bellrings。]There’sthefirstdinner—bell。Goanddress，forheaven’ssake。
　　TOUCHIT。——Whydress？Thereisnocompany！
　　MILLIKEN。——Why？ah！herladyshiplikesit，yousee。Anditcostsnothingtohumorher。Quick，forshedon’tliketobekeptwaiting。
　　TOUCHIT。——HoraceMilliken！whatapityitisthelawdeclaresawidowershallnotmarryhiswife’smother！Shewouldmarryyouelse，——shewould，onmyword。
　　EnterJOHN。
　　JOHN。——IhavetooktheCaptain’sthingsintheblueroom，sir。
　　[Exeuntgentlemen，JOHNarrangestables，&c。]
　　Ha！Mrs。Prior！Iain’tpartialtoMrs。Prior。Ithinkshe’sanartfulolddodger，Mrs。Prior。Ithinkthere’smysteryinherunfathomablepockets，andschemesinthefoldsofherumbrella。
　　But——butshe’sJulia’smother，andforthebelovedone’ssakeIamciviltoher。
　　MRS。PRIOR。——ThankyouCharles[tothePage，whohasbeenseentoletherinatthegarden—gate]，Iamsomuchobligedtoyou！Goodafternoon，Mr。Howell。Ismydaughter——arethedarlingchildrenwell？Oh，Iamquitetiredandweary！Threehorridomnibuseswerefull，andIhavehadtowalkthewholewearylongway。Ah，timesarechangedwithme，Mr。Howell。OncewhenIwasyoungandstrong，Ihadmyhusband’scarriagetoridein。
　　JOHN[aside]。——Hiscarriage！hiscoal—wagon！IknowwellenoughwhooldPriorwas。Amerchant？yes，aprettymerchant！kep’alodging—house，shareinabarge，toutingfororders，andatlastasnuglittleplaceintheGazette。
　　MRS。PRIOR。——Howisyourcough，Mr。Howell？Ihavebroughtyousomelozengesforit[takesnumberlessarticlesfromherpocket]，andifyouwouldtakethemofanightandmorning——oh，indeed，youwouldgetbetter！ThelateSirHenryHalfordrecommendedthemtoMr。Prior。HewashislateMajesty’sphysicianandours。Youknowwehaveseenhappiertimes，Mr。Howell。Oh，Iamquitetiredandfaint。
　　JOHN。——Willyoutakeanythingbeforetheschool—roomtea，ma’am？
　　Youwillstoptotea，Ihope，withMissPrior，andouryoungfolks？
　　MRS。PRIOR。——Thankyou:alittleglassofwinewhenoneissofaint——alittlecrumbofbiscuitwhenoneissooldandtired！I
　　havenotbeenaccustomedtowant，youknow;andinmypoordearMr。
　　Prior’stime——
　　JOHN。——I’llfetchsomewine，ma’am。[Exittothedining—room。]
　　MRS。PRIOR。——Blesstheman，howabruptheisinhismanner！Hequiteshocksapoorladywhohasbeenusedtobetterdays。What’shere？Invitations——ho！BillsforLadyKicklebury！THEYarenotpaid。WhereisMr。M。goingtodine，Iwonder？CaptainandMrs。
　　Hopkinson，SirJohnandLadyTomkinson，requestthepleasure。
　　Requestthepleasure！Ofcoursetheydo。TheyarealwaysaskingMr。M。todinner。Theyhavedaughterstomarry，andMr。M。isawidowerwiththreethousandayear，everyshillingofit。ImusttellLadyKicklebury。Hemustnevergototheseplaces——never，never——mustn’tbeallowed。[Whiletalking，sheopensallthelettersonthetable，rummagestheportfolioandwriting—box，looksatcardsonmantelpiece，workinwork—basket，triestea—box，andshowsthegreatestactivityandcuriosity。]
　　Re—enterJohn，bearingatraywithcakes，adecanter，&c。
　　Thankyou，thankyou，Mr。Howell！Oh，oh，dearme，notsomuchasthat！Halfaglass，andONEbiscuit，please。Whatelegantsherry！
　　[sipsalittle，andputsdownglassontray]。Doyouknow，I
　　rememberinbetterdays，Mr。Howell，whenmypoordearhusband——
　　JOHN。——Begyourpardon。There’sMilliken’sbell，goinglikemad。
　　ExitJohn。]
　　MRS。PRIOR。——Whatanabruptperson！Oh，butit’scomfortable，thiswineis！And——andIthinkhowmypoorCharlottewouldlikealittle——shesoweak，andorderedwinebythemedicalman！AndwhendearAdolphuscomeshomefromChrist’sHospital，quitetired，poorboy，andhungry，wouldn’tabitofnicecakedohimgood！Adolphusissofondofplum—cake，thedarlingchild！AndsoisFrederick，littlesaucyrogue;andI’llgivethemMYpiece，andkeepmyglassofwineformydeardelicateangelShatty！[Takesbottleandpaperoutofherpocket，cutsoffagreatsliceofcake，andpourswinefromwine—glassanddecanterintobottle。]
　　EnterPAGE。
　　PAGE。——MasterGeorgeandMissBellaisgoingtohavetheirteasdownherewithMissPrior，Mrs。Prior，andshe’supintheschool—
　　room，andmyladysaysyoumaystaytotea。
　　MRS。PRIOR。——Thankyou，Charles！Howtallyougrow！ThosetrouserswouldfitmydarlingFredericktoanicety。Thankyou，Charles。Iknowthewaytothenursery。[ExitMrs。P。]
　　PAGE。——Knowtheway！IbelievesheDOknowtheway。Beenahavingcakeandwine。Howellalwaysgiveshercakeandwine——jollycake，ain’tit！andwine，oh，my！
　　Re—enterJohn。
　　JOHN。——Youyounggormandizingcormorant！What！fivemealsadayain’tenoughforyou！What？beerain’tgoodenoughforyou，hey？
　　[Pullsboy’sears。]
　　PAGE[crying]。——Oh，oh，do—o—n’t，Mr。Howell。Ionlytookhalfaglass，uponmyhonor。
　　JOHN。——Youra—honor，youlyingyoungvagabond！Iwonderthegrounddon’topenandswallowyou。Halfaglass！[holdsupdecanter。]
　　You’vetookhalfabottle，youyoungAnanias！Markthis，sir！
　　WhenIwasaboy，aboyonmypromotion，achildkindlytookinfromcharity—school，ahorphaninbuttonslikeyou，Ineverlied;
　　no，norneverstole，andyou’vedoneboth，youlittlescoundrel。
　　Don’ttellME，sir！there’splumsonyourcoat，crumbsonyourcheek，andyousmellsherry，sir！Iain’ttimetowhopyounow，butcometomypantryto—nightafteryou’vetookthetraydown。
　　Comewithoutyourjacketon，sir，andthenI’llteachyouwhatitistolieandsteal。There’stheouterbell。Scud，youvagabond！
　　EnterLADYK。
　　LADYK。——Whatwasthatnoise，pray？
　　JOHN。——AdifferencebetweenmeandyoungPage，mylady。Iwasinstructinghimtokeephishandsfrompickingandstealing。Iwaslearninghimhislesson，mylady，andhewasa—cryingitout。
　　LADYK。——Itseemstomeyouaremostunkindtothatboy，Howell。
　　Heismyboy，sir。Hecomesfrommyestate。Iwillnothavehimill—used。Ithinkyoupresumeonyourlongservices。Ishallspeaktomyson—in—lawaboutyou。["Yes，mylady;no，mylady;
　　verygood，mylady。"Johnhasansweredeachsentenceassheisspeaking，andexitgravelybowing。]Thatmanmustquitthehouse。
　　Horacesayshecan’tdowithouthim，buthemustdowithouthim。
　　MypoordearArabellawasfondofhim，buthepresumesonthatdefunctangel’spartiality。Horacesaysthispersonkeepsallhisaccounts，sortsallhisletters，managesallhisaffairs，maybetrustedwithuntoldgold，andrescuedlittleGeorgeoutofthefire。NowIhavecometolivewithmyson—in—law，Iwillkeephisaccounts，sorthisletters，andtakechargeofhismoney:andiflittleGeorgygetsintothegrate，Iwilltakehimoutofthefire。
　　Whatishere？InvitationfromCaptainandMrs。Hopkinson。
　　InvitationfromSirJohnandLadyTomkinson，whodon’tevenaskme！
　　Monstrous！henevershallgo——heshallnotgo！[MRS。PRIORhasre—
　　entered，shedropsaverylowcurtsytoLadyK。，asthelatter，perceivingher，laysthecardsdown。]
　　MRS。PRIOR。——Ah，dearmadam！howkindyourladyship’smessagewastothepoorlonelywidowwoman！Oh，howthoughtfulitwasofyourladyshiptoaskmetostaytotea！
　　LADYK。——Withyourdaughterandthechildren？Indeed，mygoodMrs。
　　Prior，youareverywelcome！
　　MRS。PRIOR。——Ah！butisn’titacauseofthankfulnesstobeMADE
　　welcome？Oughtn’tItobegratefulfortheseblessings？——yes，I
　　sayBLESSINGS。AndIam——Iam，LadyKicklebury——tothemother——
　　of——thatangelwhoisgone[pointstothepicture]。Itwasyoursainteddaughterleftus——leftmychildtothecareofMr。
　　Milliken，and——andyou，whoarenowhisguardianangelImaysay。
　　YouARE，LadyKicklebury——youare。Isaytomygirl，Julia，LadyKickleburyisMr。Milliken’sguardianangel，isYOURguardianangel——forwithoutyoucouldshekeepherplaceasgovernesstothesedarlingchildren？Itwouldtearherheartintwotoleavethem，andyetshewouldbeforcedtodoso。Youknowthatsomeone——shallIhesitatetosaywhomIMEAN——thatMr。Milliken’smother，excellentladythoughsheis，doesnotlovemychildbecauseYOUloveher。YouDOloveher，LadyKicklebury，andoh！amother’sfondheartpaysyouback！Butforyou，mypoorJuliamustgo——go，andleavethechildrenwhomadyingangelconfidedtoher！