Sotheladyscreamed,andMr。Pickwickstarted。
Mr。Pickwick!exclaimedMr。Magnus,lostinastonishment。Whatisthemeaningofthis,sir?Whatisthemeaningofit,sir?addedMr。Magnus,inathreatening,andaloudertone。
Sir,saidMr。Pickwick,somewhatindignantattheverysuddenmannerinwhichMr。PeterMagnushadconjugatedhimselfintotheimperativemood,Ideclineansweringthatquestion。
Youdeclineit,sir?saidMr。Magnus。
Ido,sir,repliedMr。Pickwick:Iobjecttosayinganythingwhichmaycompromisethatlady,orawakenunpleasantrecollectionsinherbreast,withoutherconsentandpermission。
MissWitherfield,saidMr。PeterMagnus,doyouknowthisperson?
Knowhim!repeatedthemiddle-agedlady,hesitating。
Yes,knowhim,ma’am。Isaidknowhim,repliedMr。Magnus,withferocity。
Ihaveseenhim,repliedthemiddle-agedlady。
Where?inquiredMr。Magnus,where?
That,saidthemiddle-agedlady,risingfromherseat,andavertingherhead,thatIwouldnotrevealforworlds。
Iunderstandyou,ma’am,saidMr。Pickwick,andrespectyourdelicacy。
itshallneverberevealedbyme,dependuponit。
Uponmyword,ma’am,saidMr。Magnus,consideringthesituationinwhichIamplacedwithregardtoyourself,youcarrythismatteroffwithtolerablecoolness——tolerablecoolness,ma’am。
CruelMr。Magnus!saidthemiddle-agedlady。heresheweptverycopiouslyindeed。
Addressyourobservationstome,sir,interposedMr。Pickwick。I
aloneamtoblame,ifanybodybe。
Oh!youalonearetoblame,areyou,sir?saidMr。Magnus。I——I——seethroughthis,sir。Yourepentofyourdeterminationnow,doyou?
Mydetermination!saidMr。Pickwick。
Yourdetermination,sir。Oh!don’tstareatme,sir,saidMr。Magnus。
Irecollectyourwordslastnight,sir。Youcamedownhere,sir,toexposethetreacheryandfalsehoodofanindividualonwhosetruthandhonouryouhadplacedimplicitreliance——eh?HereMr。PeterMagnusindulgedinaprolongedsneer。andtakingoffhisgreenspectacles——whichheprobablyfoundsuperfluousinhisfitofjealousy——rolledhislittleeyesabout,inamannerfrightfultobehold。
Eh?saidMr。Magnus。andthenherepeatedthesneerwithincreasedeffect。Butyoushallanswerit,sir。
Answerwhat?saidMr。Pickwick。
Nevermind,sir,repliedMr。Magnus,stridingupanddowntheroom。
Nevermind。
TheremustbesomethingverycomprehensiveinthisphraseofNevermind,forwedonotrecollecttohaveeverwitnessedaquarrelinthestreet,atatheatre,publicroom,orelsewhere,inwhichithasnotbeenthestandardreplytoallbelligerentinquiries。Doyoucallyourselfagentleman,sir?——Nevermind,sir。DidIoffertosayanythingtotheyoungwoman,sir?Nevermind,sir?Doyouwantyourheadknockedupagainstthatwall,sir?——Nevermind,sir。Itisobservable,too,thattherewouldappeartobesomehiddentauntinthisuniversalNevermind,whichrousesmoreindignationinthebosomoftheindividualaddressed,thanthemostlavishabusecouldpossiblyawaken。
Wedonotmeantoassertthattheapplicationofthisbrevitytohimself,struckexactlythatindignationtoMr。Pickwick’ssoul,whichitwouldinfalliblyhaverousedinavulgarbreast。WemerelyrecordthefactthatMr。Pickwickopenedtheroomdoor,andabruptlycalledout,Tupman,comehere!
Mr。Tupmanimmediatelypresentedhimself,withalookofveryconsiderablesurprise。
Tupman,saidMr。Pickwick,asecretofsomedelicacy,inwhichthatladyisconcerned,isthecauseofadifferencewhichhasjustarisenbetweenthisgentlemanandmyself。WhenIassurehim,inyourpresence,thatithasnorelationtohimself,andisnotinanywayconnectedwithhisaffairs,Ineedhardlybegyoutotakenoticethatifhecontinuetodisputeit,heexpressesadoubtofmyveracity,whichIIshallconsiderextremelyinsulting。AsMr。Pickwicksaidthis,helookedencyclopaediasatMr。
PeterMagnus。
Mr。Pickwick’suprightandhonourablebearing,coupledwiththatforceandenergyofspeechwhichsoeminentlydistinguishedhim,wouldhavecarriedconvictiontoanyreasonablemind。butunfortunatelyatthatparticularmoment,themindofMr。PeterMagnuswasinanythingbutreasonableorder。
Consequently,insteadofreceivingMr。Pickwick’sexplanationasheoughttohavedone,heforthwithproceededtoworkhimselfintoared-hot,scorching,consumingpassion,andtotalkaboutwhatwasduetohisownfeelings,andallthatsortofthing:addingforcetohisdeclamationbystridingtoandfro,andpullinghishair——amusementswhichhewouldvaryoccasionally,byshakinghisfistinMr。Pickwick’sphilanthropiccountenance。
Mr。Pickwick,inhisturn,consciousofhisowninnocenceandrectitude,andirritatedbyhavingunfortunatelyinvolvedthemiddle-agedladyinsuchanunpleasantaffair,wasnotsoquietlydisposedaswashiswont。
Theconsequencewas,thatwordsranhigh,andvoiceshigher。andatlengthMr。MagnustoldMr。Pickwickheshouldhearfromhim。towhichMr。Pickwickreplied,withlaudablepoliteness,thatthesoonerheheardfromhimthebetter。whereuponthemiddle-agedladyrushedinterrorfromtheroom,outofwhichMr。TupmandraggedMr。Pickwick,leavingMr。PeterMagnustohimselfandmeditation。
Ifthemiddle-agedladyhadmingledmuchwiththebusyworld,orhadprofitedatallbythemannersandcustomsofthosewhomakethelawsandsetthefashions,shewouldhaveknownthatthissortofferocityisthemostharmlessthinginnature。butasshehadlivedforthemostpartinthecountry,andneverreadtheparliamentarydebates,shewaslittleversedintheseparticularrefinementsofcivilisedlife。Accordingly,whenshehadgainedherbed-chamber,boltedherselfin,andbeguntomeditateonthesceneshehadjustwitnessed,themostterrificpicturesofslaughteranddestructionpresentedthemselvestoherimagination。amongwhich,afull-lengthportraitofMr。PeterMagnusbornehomebyfourmen,withtheembellishmentofawholebarrelfullofbulletsinhisleftside,wasamongtheveryleast。Themorethemiddle-agedladymeditated,themoreterrifiedshebecame。andatlengthshedeterminedtorepairtothehouseoftheprincipalmagistrateofthetown,andrequesthimtosecurethepersonsofMr。PickwickandMr。Tupmanwithoutdelay。
Tothisdecisionthemiddle-agedladywasimpelledbyavarietyofconsiderations,thechiefofwhich,wastheincontestableproofitwouldaffordofherdevotiontoMr。PeterMagnus,andheranxietyforhissafety。ShewastoowellacquaintedwithhisjealoustemperamenttoventuretheslightestallusiontotherealcauseofheragitationonbeholdingMr。Pickwick。andshetrustedtoherowninfluenceandpowerofpersuasionwiththelittleman,toquellhisboisterousjealousy,supposingthatMr。Pickwickwereremoved,andnofreshquarrelcouldarise。Filledwiththesereflections,themiddle-agedladyarrayedherselfinherbonnetandshawl,andrepairedtotheMayor’sdwellingstraightway。
NowGeorgeNupkins,Esquire,theprincipalmagistrateaforesaid,wasasgrandapersonageasthefastestwalkerwouldfindout,betweensunriseandsunset,onthetwenty-firstofJune,whichbeing,accordingtothealmanacs,thelongestdayinthewholeyear,wouldnaturallyaffordhimthelongestperiodforhissearch。Onthisparticularmorning,Mr。Nupkinswasinastateoftheutmostexcitementandirritation,fortherehadbeenarebellioninthetown。alltheday-scholarsatthelargestday-schoolhadconspiredtobreakthewindowsofanobnoxiousapple-seller,andhadhootedthebeadle,andpeltedtheconstabulary——anelderlygentlemanintop-boots,whohadbeencalledouttorepressthetumult,andwhohadbeenapeace-officer,manandboy,forhalfacenturyatleast。AndMr。Nupkinswassittinginhiseasychair,frowningwithmajesty,andboilingwithrage,whenaladywasannouncedonpressing,private,andparticularbusiness。
Mr。Nupkinslookedcalmlyterrible,andcommandedthattheladyshouldbeshownin:whichcommand,likeallthemandatesofemperors,andmagistrates,andothergreatpotentatesoftheearth,wasforthwithobeyed。andMissWitherfield,interestinglyagitated,wasusheredinaccordingly。
Muzzle!saidthemagistrate。
Muzzlewasanundersizedfootman,withalongbodyandshortlegs。
Muzzle!
Yes,yourworship。
Placeachair,andleavetheroom。
Yes,yourworship。
Now,ma’am,willyoustateyourbusiness?saidthemagistrate。
Itisofaverypainfulkind,sir,saidMissWitherfield。
Verylikely,ma’am,saidthemagistrate。Composeyourfeelings,ma’am。
HereMr。Nupkinslookedbenignant。Andthentellmewhatlegalbusinessbringsyouhere,ma’am。Herethemagistratetriumphedovertheman。andhelookedsternagain。
Itisverydistressingtome,sir,togivethisinformation,saidMissWitherfield,butIfearaduelisgoingtobefoughthere。
Here,ma’am?saidthemagistrate。Where,ma’am?
InIpswich。
InIpswich,ma’am!AduelinIpswich!saidthemagistrate,perfectlyaghastatthenotion。Impossible,ma’am。nothingofthekindcanbecontemplatedinthistown,Iampersuaded。Blessmysoul,ma’am,areyouawareoftheactivityofourlocalmagistracy?Doyouhappentohaveheard,ma’am,thatIrushedintoaprize-ringonthefourthofMaylast,attendedbyonlysixtyspecialconstables。and,atthehazardoffallingasacrificetotheangrypassionsofaninfuriatedmultitude,prohibitedapugilisticcontestbetweentheMiddlesexDumplingandtheSuffolkBantam?AduelinIpswich,ma’am!Idon’tthink——Idonotthink,saidthemagistrate,reasoningwithhimself,thatanytwomencanhavethehardihoodtoplansuchabreachofthepeace,inthistown。
Myinformationisunfortunatelybuttoocorrect,saidthemiddle-agedlady,Iwaspresentatthequarrel。
It’samostextraordinarything,saidtheastoundedmagistrate。Muzzle!
Yes,yourworship。
SendMr。Jinkshere,directly!Instantly。
Yes,yourworship。
Muzzleretired。andapale,sharp-nosed,half-fed,shabbily-cladclerk,ofmiddleage,enteredtheroom。
Mr。Jinks,saidthemagistrate。Mr。Jinks。
Sir,saidMr。Jinks。
Thislady,Mr。Jinks,hascomehere,togiveinformationofanintendedduelinthistown。
Mr。Jinksnotknowingexactlywhattodo,smiledadependent’ssmile。
Whatareyoulaughingat,Mr。Jinks?saidthemagistrate。
Mr。Jinkslookedserious,instantly。
Mr。Jinks,saidthemagistrate,you’reafool。
Mr。Jinkslookedhumblyatthegreatman,andbitthetopofhispen。
Youmayseesomethingverycomicalinthisinformation,sir。butI
cantellyouthis,Mr。Jinks。thatyouhaveverylittletolaughat,saidthemagistrate。
Thehungry-lookingJinkssighed,asifhewerequiteawareofthefactofhishavingverylittleindeed,tobemerryabout。and,beingorderedtotakethelady’sinformation,shambledtoaseat,andproceededtowriteitdown。
Thisman,Pickwick,istheprincipal,Iunderstand,saidthemagistrate,whenthestatementwasfinished。
Heis,saidthemiddle-agedlady。
Andtheotherrioter——what’shisname,Mr。Jinks?
Tupman,sir。
Tupmanisthesecond?
Yes。
Theotherprincipalyousay,hasabsconded,ma’am?
Yes,repliedMissWitherfield,withashortcough。
Verywell,saidthemagistrate。ThesearetwocutthroatsfromLondon,whohavecomedownheretodestroyhisMajesty’spopulation:thinkingthatatthisdistancefromthecapital,thearmofthelawisweakandparalysed。
Theyshallbemadeanexampleof。Drawupthewarrants,Mr。Jinks。Muzzle!
Yes,yourworship。
IsGrummerdown-stairs?
Yes,yourworship。
Sendhimup。
TheobsequiousMuzzleretired,andpresentlyreturned,introducingtheelderlygentlemaninthetop-boots,whowaschieflyremarkableforabottle-nose,ahoarsevoice,asnuff-colouredsurtout,andawanderingeye。
Grummer,saidthemagistrate。
Yourwash-up。
Isthetownquietnow?
Prettywell,yourwash-up,repliedGrummer。Pop’larfeelinghasinameasuresubsided,consekenso’theboyshavingdispersedtocricket。
Nothingbutvigorousmeasureswilldointhesetimes,Grummer,saidthemagistrate,inadeterminedmanner。Iftheauthorityoftheking’sofficersissetatnought,wemusthavetheriotactread。Ifthecivilpowercannotprotectthesewindows,Grummer,themilitarymustprotectthecivilpower,andthewindowstoo。Ibelievethatisamaximoftheconstitution,Mr。Jinks?
Certainly,sir,saidJinks。
Verygood,saidthemagistrate,signingthewarrants。Grummer,youwillbringthesepersonsbeforeme,thisafternoon。YouwillfindthemattheGreatWhiteHorse。YourecollectthecaseoftheMiddlesexDumplingandtheSuffolkBantam,Grummer?
Mr。Grummerintimated,byaretrospectiveshakeofthehead,thatheshouldneverforgetit——asindeeditwasnotlikelyhewould,solongasitcontinuedtobeciteddaily。
Thisisevenmoreunconstitutional,saidthemagistrate。thisisevenagreaterbreachofthepeace,andagrosserinfringementofhisMajesty’sprerogative。IbelieveduellingisoneofhisMajesty’smostundoubtedprerogatives,Mr。Jinks?
ExpresslystipulatedinMagnaCharta,sir,saidMr。Jinks。
OneofthebrightestjewelsintheBritishcrown,wrungfromhisMajestybytheBarons,Ibelieve,Mr。Jinks?saidthemagistrate。
Justso,sir,repliedJinks。
Verywell,saidthemagistrate,drawinghimselfupproudly,itshallnotbeviolatedinthisportionofhisdominions。Grummer,procureassistance,andexecutethesewarrantswithaslittledelayaspossible。Muzzle!
Yes,yourworship。
Showtheladyout。
MissWitherfieldretired,deeplyimpressedwiththemagistrate’slearningandresearch。Mr。Nupkinsretiredtolunch。Mr。Jinksretiredwithinhimself——thatbeingtheonlyretirementhehad,exceptthesofa-bedsteadinthesmallparlourwhichwasoccupiedbyhislandlady’sfamilyinthedaytime——andMr。Grummerretired,towipeout,byhismodeofdischarginghispresentcommission,theinsultwhichhadbeenfasteneduponhimself,andtheotherrepresentativeofhisMajesty——thebeadle——inthecourseofthemorning。
WhiletheseresoluteanddeterminedpreparationsfortheconservationoftheKing’speace,werepending,Mr。Pickwickandhisfriends,whollyunconsciousofthemightyeventsinprogress,hadsatquietlydowntodinner。
andverytalkativeandcompanionabletheyallwere。Mr。Pickwickwasintheveryactofrelatinghisadventureoftheprecedingnight,tothegreatamusementofhisfollowers,Mr。Tupmanespecially,whenthedooropened,andasomewhatforbiddingcountenancepeepedintotheroom。TheeyesintheforbiddingcountenancelookedveryearnestlyatMr。Pickwick,forseveralseconds,andweretoallappearancesatisfiedwiththeirinvestigation。
forthebodytowhichtheforbiddingcountenancebelonged,slowlybroughtitselfintotheapartment,andpresentedtheformofanelderlyindividualintop-boots——nottokeepthereaderanylongerinsuspense,inshort,theeyeswerethewanderingeyesofMr。Grummer,andthebodywasthebodyofthesamegentleman。
Mr。Grummer’smodeofproceedingwasprofessional,butpeculiar。Hisfirstactwastoboltthedoorontheinside。hissecond,topolishhisheadandcountenanceverycarefullywithacottonhandkerchief。histhird,toplacehishat,withthecottonhandkerchiefinit,onthenearestchair。
andhisfourth,toproducefromthebreast-pocketofhiscoatashorttruncheon,surmountedbyabrazencrown,withwhichhebeckonedtoMr。Pickwickwithagraveandghost-likeair。
Mr。Snodgrasswasthefirsttobreaktheastonishedsilence。HelookedsteadilyatMr。Grummerforabriefspace,andthensaidemphatically:
Thisisaprivateroom,sir。Aprivateroom。
Mr。Grummershookhishead,andreplied,Noroom’sprivatetohisMajestywhenthestreetdoor’soncepassed。That’slaw。SomepeoplemaintainsthatanEnglishman’shouseishiscastle。That’sgammon。
ThePickwickiansgazedoneachotherwithwonderingeyes。
WhichisMr。upman?inquiredMr。Grummer。HehadanintuitiveperceptionofMr。Pickwick。heknewhimatonce。
Myname’sTupman,saidthatgentleman。
Myname’sLaw,saidMr。Grummer。
What?saidMr。Tupman。
Law,repliedMr。Grummer,law,civilpower,andexekative。them’smytitles。here’smyauthority。BlankTupman,blankPickvick——againstthepeaceofoursufferinLordtheKing——stattitinthatcasemadeandpurwided——andallregular。IapprehendyouPickvick!Tupman——theaforesaid。
Whatdoyoumeanbythisinsolence?saidMr。Tupman,startingup:
Leavetheroom!
Halloo,saidMr。Grummer,retreatingveryexpeditiouslytothedoor,andopeningitaninchortwo,Dubbley。
Well,saidadeepvoicefromthepassage。
Comefor’ard,Dubbley。
Atthewordofcommand,adirty-facedman,somethingoversixfeethigh,andstoutinproportion,squeezedhimselfthroughthehalf-opendoormakinghisfaceveryredintheprocess,andenteredtheroom。
Istheotherspecialsoutside,Dubbley?inquiredMr。Grummer。
Mr。Dubbley,whowasamanoffewwords,noddedassent。
Orderinthediwisionunderyourcharge,Dubbley,saidMr。Grummer。
Mr。Dubbleydidashewasdesired。andhalfadozenmen,eachwithashorttruncheonandabrasscrown,flockedintotheroom。Mr。Grummerpocketedhisstaff,andlookedatMr。Dubbley。Mr。Dubbleypocketedhisstaffandlookedatthedivision。thedivisionpocketedtheirstavesandlookedatMessrs。TupmanandPickwick。
Mr。Pickwickandhisfollowersroseasoneman。
Whatisthemeaningofthisatrociousintrusionuponmyprivacy?saidMr。Pickwick。
Whodaresapprehendme?saidMr。Tupman。
Whatdoyouwanthere,scoundrels?saidMr。Snodgrass。
Mr。Winklesaidnothing,buthefixedhiseyesonGrummer,andbestowedalookuponhim,which,ifhehadhadanyfeeling,musthavepiercedhisbrain。Asitwas,however,ithadnovisibleeffectuponhimwhatever。
WhentheexecutiveperceivedthatMr。Pickwickandhisfriendsweredisposedtoresisttheauthorityofthelaw,theyverysignificantlyturneduptheircoatsleeves,asifknockingthemdowninthefirstinstance,andtakingthemupafter-wards,wereamereprofessionalactwhichhadonlytobethoughtof,tobedone,asamatterofcourse。ThisdemonstrationwasnotlostuponMr。Pickwick。HeconferredafewmomentswithMr。Tupmanapart,andthensignifiedhisreadinesstoproceedtotheMayor’sresidence,merelybeggingthepartiesthenandthereassembled,totakenotice,thatitwashisfirmintentiontoresentthismonstrousinvasionofhisprivilegesasanEnglishman,theinstanthewasatliberty。whereatthepartiesthenandthereassembledlaughedveryheartily,withthesingleexceptionofMr。Grummer,whoseemedtoconsiderthatanyslightcastuponthedivinerightofmagistrates,wasaspeciesofblasphemy,nottobetolerated。
ButwhenMr。Pickwickhadsignifiedhisreadinesstobowtothelawsofhiscountry。andjustwhenthewaiters,andhostlers,andchamber-maids,andpost-boys,whohadanticipatedadelightfulcommotionfromhisthreatenedobstinacy,begantoturnaway,disappointedanddisgusted,adifficultyarosewhichhadnotbeenforeseen。Witheverysentimentofvenerationfortheconstitutedauthorities,Mr。Pickwickresolutelyprotestedagainstmakinghisappearanceinthepublicstreets,surroundedandguardedbytheofficersofjustice,likeacommoncriminal。Mr。Grummer,inthethendisturbedstateofpublicfeelingforitwashalf-holiday,andtheboyshadnotyetgonehome,asresolutelyprotestedagainstwalkingontheoppositesideoftheway,andtakingMr。Pickwick’sparolethathewouldgostraighttothemagistrate’s。andbothMr。PickwickandMr。Tupmanasstrenuouslyobjectedtotheexpenseofapost-coach,whichwastheonlyrespectableconveyancethatcouldbeobtained。Thedisputeranhigh,andthedilemmalastedlong。andjustastheexecutivewereonthepointofovercomingMr。Pickwick’sobjectiontowalkingtothemagistrate’s,bythetriteexpedientofcarryinghimthither,itwasrecollectedthattherestoodintheinnyard,anoldsedan-chair,whichhavingbeenoriginallybuiltforagoutygentlemanwithfundedproperty,wouldholdMr。PickwickandMr。Tupman,atleastasconvenientlyasamodernpost-chaise。Thechairwashired,andbroughtintothehall。Mr。PickwickandMr。Tupmansqueezedthemselvesinside,andpulleddowntheblinds。acoupleofchairmenwerespeedilyfound。andtheprocessionstatedingrandorder。Thespecialssurroundedthebodyofthevehicle。Mr。GrummerandMr。Dubbleymarchedtriumphantlyinfront。Mr。SnodgrassandMr。Winklewalkedarm-in-armbehind。
andtheunsoapedofIpswichbroughtuptherear。
Theshopkeepersofthetown,althoughtheyhadaveryindistinctnotionofthenatureoftheoffence,couldnotbutbemuchedifiedandgratifiedbythisspectacle。Herewasthestrongarmofthelaw,comingdownwithtwentygold-beaterforce,upontwooffendersfromthemetropolisitself。
themightyenginewasdirectedbytheirownmagistrate,andworkedbytheirownofficers。andboththecriminalsbytheirunitedefforts,weresecurelyshutup,inthenarrowcompassofonesedan-chair。ManyweretheexpressionsofapprovalandadmirationwhichgreetedMr。Grummer,asheheadedthecavalcade,staffinhand。loudandlongweretheshoutsraisedbytheunsoaped。
andamidsttheseunitedtestimonialsofpublicapprobation,theprocessionmovedslowlyandmajesticallyalong。
Mr。Weller,habitedinhismorningjacketwiththeblackcalicosleeves,wasreturninginaratherdespondingstatefromanunsuccessfulsurveyofthemysterioushousewiththegreengate,when,raisinghiseyes,hebeheldacrowdpouringdownthestreet,surroundinganobjectwhichhadverymuchtheappearanceofasedan-chair。Willingtodiverthisthoughtsfromthefailureofhisenterprise,hesteppedasidetoseethecrowdpass。
andfindingthattheywerecheeringaway,verymuchtotheirownsatisfaction,forthwithbeganbywayofraisinghisspiritstocheertoo,withallhismightandmain。
Mr。Grummerpassed,andMr。Dubbleypassed,andthesedanpassed,andthebody-guardofspecialspassed,andSamwasstillrespondingtotheenthusiasticcheersofthemob,andwavinghishataboutasifhewereintheverylastextremeofthewildestjoythough,ofcourse,hehadnotthefaintestideaofthematterinhand,whenhewassuddenlystoppedbytheunexpectedappearanceofMr。WinkleandMr。Snodgrass。
What’stherow,gen’l’m’n?criedSam。Whohavetheygotinthisherewatch-boxinmournin’?
Bothgentlemenrepliedtogether,buttheirwordswerelostinthetumult。
Who?criedSamagain。
Oncemorewasajointreplyreturned。and,thoughthewordswereinaudible,SamsawbythemotionofthetwopairsoflipsthattheyhadutteredthemagicwordPickwick。
Thiswasenough。InanotherminuteMr。Wellerhadmadehiswaythroughthecrowd,stoppedthechairmen,andconfrontedtheportlyGrummer。
Hallo,oldgen’l’m’n!saidSam。Whohaveyougotinthishereconwayance?
Standback,saidMr。Grummer,whosedignity,likethedignityofagreatmanyothermen,hadbeenwondrouslyaugmentedbyalittlepopularity。
Knockhimdown,ifhedon’t,saidMr。Dubbley。
I’mwerymuchobligedtoyou,oldgen’l’m’n,repliedSam,forconsultingmyconwenience,andI’mstillmoreobligedtotheothergen’l’m’n,wholooksasifhe’djustescapedfromagiant’scarrywan,forhiswery`ansomesuggestion。butIshouldperferyourgivin’meaanswertomyquestion,ifit’sallthesametoyou——Howareyou,sir?ThislastobservationwasaddressedwithapatronisingairtoMr。Pickwick,whowaspeepingthroughthefrontwindow。
Mr。Grummer,perfectlyspeechlesswithindignation,draggedthetruncheonwiththebrasscrownfromitsparticularpocket,andflourisheditbeforeSam’seyes。
Ah,saidSam,it’swerypretty,’speciallythecrown,whichisuncommonliketherealone。
Standback!saidtheoutragedMr。Grummer。Bywayofaddingforcetothecommand,hethrustthebrassemblemofroyaltyintoSam’sneckclothwithonehand,andseizedSam’scollarwiththeother:acomplimentwhichMr。Wellerreturnedbyknockinghimdownoutofhand:havingpreviously,withtheutmostconsideration,knockeddownachairmanforhimtolieupon。
WhetherMr。Winklewasseizedwithatemporaryattackofthatspeciesofinsanitywhichoriginatesinasenseofinjury,oranimatedbythisdisplayofMr。Weller’svalour,isuncertain。butcertainitis,thathenosoonersawMr。Grummerfallthanhemadeaterrificonslaughtonasmallboywhostoodnexthim。whereuponMr。Snodgrass,inatrulyChristianspirit,andinorderthathemighttakenooneunawares,announcedinaveryloudtonethathewasgoingtobegin,andproceededtotakeoffhiscoatwiththeutmostdeliberation。Hewasimmediatelysurroundedandsecured。anditisbutcommonjusticebothtohimandMr。Winkletosay,thattheydidnotmaketheslightestattempttorescueeitherthemselvesorMr。Weller:
who,afteramostvigorousresistance,wasoverpoweredbynumbersandtakenprisoner。Theprocessionthenre-formed。thechairmanresumedtheirstations。
andthemarchwasre-commenced。
Mr。Pickwick’sindignationduringthewholeofthisproceedingwasbeyondallbounds。HecouldjustseeSamupsettingthespecials,andflyingaboutineverydirection。andthatwasallhecouldsee,forthesedandoorswouldn’topen,andtheblindswouldn’tpullup。Atlength,withtheassistanceofMr。Tupman,hemanagedtopushopentheroof。andmountingontheseat,andsteadyinghimselfaswellashecould,byplacinghishandonthatgentleman’sshoulder,Mr。Pickwickproceededtoaddressthemultitude。
todwellupontheunjustifiablemannerinwhichhehadbeentreated。andtocalluponthemtotakenoticethathisservanthadbeenfirstassaulted。
Inthisordertheyreachedthemagistrate’shouse。thechairmentrotting,theprisonersfollowing,Mr。Pickwickoratorising,andthecrowdshouting。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers:Chapter25[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXVSHOWING,AMONGAVARIETYOFPLEASANTMATTERS,HOW
MAJESTICANDIMPARTIALMR。NUPKINSWAS。ANDHOWMR。WELLERRETURNEDMR。
JOBTROTTER’SSHUTTLECOCKASHEAVILYASITCAME。WITHANOTHERMATTER,WHICH
WILLBEFOUNDINITSPLACE
VIOLENTwasMr。Weller’sindignationashewasbornealong。numerousweretheallusionstothepersonalappearanceanddemeanourofMr。Grummerandhiscompanion:andvalorouswerethedefiancestoanysixofthegentlemenpresent:inwhichheventedhisdissatisfaction。
Mr。SnodgrassandMr。Winklelistenedwithgloomyrespecttothetorrentofeloquencewhichtheirleaderpouredforthfromthesedanchair,andtherapidcourseofwhichnotallMr。Tupman’searnestentreatiestohavethelidofthevehicleclosed,wereabletocheckforaninstant。ButMr。Weller’sangerquicklygavewaytocuriositywhentheprocessionturneddowntheidenticalcourt-yardinwhichhehadmetwiththerunawayJobTrotter:
andcuriositywasexchangedforafeelingofthemostgleefulastonishment,whentheall-importantMr。Grummer,commandingthesedan-bearerstohalt,advancedwithdignifiedandportentousstepstotheverygreengatefromwhichJobTrotterhademerged,andgaveamightypullatthebell-handlewhichhungatthesidethereof。Theringwasansweredbyaverysmartandpretty-facedservant-girl,who,afterholdingupherhandsinastonishmentattherebelliousappearanceoftheprisoners,andtheimpassionedlanguageofMr。Pickwick,summonedMr。Muzzle。Mr。Muzzleopenedonehalfofthecarriagegate,toadmitthesedan,thecapturedones,andthespecials。
andimmediatelyslammeditinthefacesofthemob,who,indignantatbeingexcluded,andanxioustoseewhatfollowed,relievedtheirfeelingsbykickingatthegateandringingthebell,foranhourortwoafterwards。
Inthisamusementtheyalltookpartbyturns,exceptthreeorfourfortunateindividuals,who,havingdiscoveredagratinginthegatewhichcommandedaviewofnothing,staredthroughitwiththeindefatigableperseverancewithwhichpeoplewillflattentheirnosesagainstthefrontwindowsofachemist’sshop,whenadrunkenman,whohasbeenrunoverbyadog-cartinthestreet,isundergoingasurgicalinspectionintheback-parlour。
Atthefootofaflightofsteps,leadingtothehousedoor,whichwasguardedoneithersidebyanAmericanaloeinagreentub,thesedan-chairstopped。Mr。Pickwickandhisfriendswereconductedintothehall,whence,havingbeenpreviouslyannouncedbyMuzzle,andorderedinbyMr。Nupkins,theywereusheredintotheworshipfulpresenceofthatpublic-spiritedofficer。
Thescenewasanimpressiveone,wellcalculatedtostriketerrortotheheartsofculprits,andtoimpressthemwithanadequateideaofthesternmajestyofthelaw。Infrontofabigbook-case,inabigchair,behindabigtable,andbeforeabigvolume,satMr。Nupkins,lookingafullsizelargerthananyoneofthem,bigastheywere。Thetablewasadornedwithpilesofpapers:andabovethefurtherendofit,appearedtheheadandshouldersofMr。Jinks,whowasbusilyengagedinlookingasbusyaspossible。Thepartyhavingallentered,Muzzlecarefullyclosedthedoor,andplacedhimselfbehindhismaster’schairtoawaithisorders。
Mr。Nupkinsthrewhimselfback,withthrillingsolemnity,andscrutinisedthefacesofhisunwillingvisitors。
Now,Grummer,whoisthatperson?saidMr。Nupkins,pointingtoMr。
Pickwick,who,asthespokesmanofhisfriends,stoodhatinhand,bowingwiththeutmostpolitenessandrespect。
Thishere’sPickvick,yourwash-up,saidGrummer。
Come,noneo’that’ere,oldStrike-a-light,interposedMr。Weller,elbowinghimselfintothefrontrank。Begyourpardon,sir,butthishereofficero’yourninthegamboogetops,’ullneverearnadecentlivin’
asamastero’theceremoniesanyvere。Thishere,sir,continuedMr。
Weller,thrustingGrummeraside,andaddressingthemagistratewithpleasantfamiliarity,ThishereisS。Pickvick,Esquire。thishere’sMr。Tupman。
that’ere’sMr。Snodgrass。andfurderon,nexthimonthet’otherside,Mr。Winkle——allwerynicegen’l’m’n,sir,asyou’llbeweryhappytohavetheacquaintanceon。sothesooneryoucommitsthesehereofficerso’yourntothetread-millforamonthortwo,thesoonerweshallbegintobeonapleasantunderstanding。Businessfirst,pleasurearterwards,asKingRichardtheThirdsaidwenhestabbedthet’otherkingintheTower,aforehesmotheredthebabbies。
Attheconclusionofthisaddress,Mr。Wellerbrushedhishatwithhisrightelbow,andnoddedbenignlytoJinks,whohadheardhimthroughout,withunspeakableawe。
Whoisthisman,Grummer?saidthemagistrate。
Werydesp’ratech’racter,yourwash-up,repliedGrummer。Heattemptedtorescuetheprisoners,andassaultedtheofficers。sowetookhimintocustody,andbroughthimhere。
Youdidquiteright,repliedthemagistrate。Heisevidentlyadesperateruffian。
Heismyservant,sir,saidMr。Pickwick,angrily。
Oh!heisyourservant,ishe?saidMr。Nupkins。Aconspiracytodefeattheendsofjustice,andmurderitsofficers。Pickwick’sservant。
Putthatdown,Mr。Jinks。
Mr。Jinksdidso。
What’syourname,fellow?thunderedMr。Nupkins。
Veller,repliedSam。
AverygoodnamefortheNewgateCalendar,saidMr。Nupkins。
Thiswasajoke。soJinks,Grummer,Dubbley,allthespecials,andMuzzle,wentintofitsoflaughteroffiveminutes’duration。
Putdownhisname,Mr。Jinks,saidthemagistrate。
TwoL’s,oldfeller,saidSam。
Hereanunfortunatespeciallaughedagain,whereuponthemagistratethreatenedtocommithim,instantly。Itisadangerousthingtolaughatthewrongman,inthesecases。
Wheredoyoulive?saidthemagistrate。
Vare-everIcan,repliedSam。
Putdownthat,Mr。Jinks,saidthemagistrate,whowasfastrisingintoarage。
Scoreitunder,saidSam。
Heisavagabond,Mr。Jinks,saidthemagistrate。Heisavagabondonhisownstatement。ishenot,Mr。Jinks?
Certainly,sir。
ThenI’llcommithim。I’llcommithimassuch,saidMr。Nupkins。
Thisisaweryimpartialcountryforjustice,saidSam。Thereain’tamagistrategoin’asdon’tcommithimself,twiceasoftenashecommitsotherpeople。
Atthissallyanotherspeciallaughed,andthentriedtolooksosupernaturallysolemn,thatthemagistratedetectedhimimmediately。
Grummer,saidMr。Nupkins,reddeningwithpassion,howdareyouselectsuchaninefficientanddisreputablepersonforaspecialconstable,asthatman?Howdareyoudoit,sir?
Iamverysorry,yourwash-up,stammeredGrummer。
Verysorry!saidthefuriousmagistrate。Youshallrepentofthisneglectofduty,Mr。Grummer。youshallbemadeanexampleof。Takethatfellow’sstaffaway。He’sdrunk。You’redrunk,fellow。
Iamnotdrunk,yourworship,saidtheman。
Youaredrunk,returnedthemagistrate。Howdareyousayyouarenotdrunk,sir,whenIsayyouare?Doesn’thesmellofspirits,Grummer?
Horrid,yourwash-up,repliedGrummer,whohadavagueimpressionthattherewasasmellofrumsomewhere。
Iknewhedid,saidMr。Nupkins。Isawhewasdrunkwhenhefirstcameintotheroom,byhisexcitedeye。Didyouobservehisexcitedeye,Mr。Jinks?
Certainly,sir。
Ihaven’ttouchedadropofspiritsthismorning,saidtheman,whowasassoberafellowasneedbe。
Howdareyoutellmeafalsehood?saidMr。Nupkins。Isn’thedrunkatthismoment,Mr。Jinks?
Certainly,sir,repliedJinks。
Mr。Jinks,saidthemagistrate,Ishallcommitthatman,forcontempt。
Makeouthiscommittal,Mr。Jinks。
Andcommittedthespecialwouldhavebeen,onlyJinks,whowasthemagistrate’sadviserhavinghadalegaleducationofthreeyearsinacountryattorney’soffice,whisperedthemagistratethathethoughtitwouldn’tdo。sothemagistratemadeaspeech,andsaid,thatinconsiderationofthespecial’sfamily,hewouldmerelyreprimandanddischargehim。Accordingly,thespecialwasabused,vehemently,foraquarterofanhour,andsentabouthisbusiness:
andGrummer,Dubbley,Muzzle,andalltheotherspecialsmurmuredtheiradmirationofthemagnanimityofMr。Nupkins。
Now,Mr。Jinks,saidthemagistrate,swearGrummer。
Grummerwassworndirectly。butasGrummerwandered,andMr。Nupkins’
dinnerwasnearlyready,Mr。Nupkinscutthemattershort,byputtingleadingquestionstoGrummer,whichGrummeransweredasnearlyintheaffirmativeashecould。Sotheexaminationwentoff,allverysmoothandcomfortable,andtwoassaultswereprovedagainstMr。Weller,andathreatagainstMr。
Winkle,andapushagainstMr。Snodgrass。Whenallthiswasdonetothemagistrate’ssatisfaction,themagistrateandMr。Jinksconsultedinwhispers。
Theconsultationhavinglastedabouttenminutes,Mr。Jinksretiredtohisendofthetable。andthemagistrate,withapreparatorycough,drewhimselfupinhischair,andwasproceedingtocommencehisaddress,whenMr。Pickwickinterposed。
Ibegyourpardon,sir,forinterruptingyou,saidMr。Pickwick。butbeforeyouproceedtoexpress,andactupon,anyopinionyoumayhaveformedonthestatementswhichhavebeenmadehere,Imustclaimmyrighttobeheard,sofarasIampersonallyconcerned。
Holdyourtongue,sir,saidthemagistrate,peremptorily。
Imustsubmittoyou,sir,saidMr。Pickwick。
Holdyourtongue,sir,interposedthemagistrate,orIshallorderanofficertoremoveyou。
Youmayorderyourofficerstodowhateveryouplease,sir,saidMr。
Pickwick。andIhavenodoubt,fromthespecimenIhavehadofthesubordinationpreservedamongstthem,thatwhateveryouorder,theywillexecute,sir。
butIshalltaketheliberty,sir,ofclaimingmyrighttobeheard,untilIamremovedbyforce。
Pickvickandprinciple!exclaimedMr。Weller,inaveryaudiblevoice。
Sam,bequiet,saidMr。Pickwick。
Dumbasadrumvithaholeinit,sir,repliedSam。
Mr。NupkinslookedatMr。Pickwickwithagazeofintenseastonishment,athisdisplayingsuchunwontedtemerity。andwasapparentlyabouttoreturnaveryangryreply,whenMr。Jinkspulledhimbythesleeve,andwhisperedsomethinginhisear。Tothis,themagistratereturnedahalf-audibleanswer,andthenthewhisperingwasrenewed。Jinkswasevidentlyremonstrating。
Atlengththemagistrate,gulpingdown,withaverybadgrace,hisdisinclinationtohearanythingmore,turnedtoMr。Pickwick,andsaidsharply:Whatdoyouwanttosay?
First,saidMr。Pickwick,sendingalookthroughhisspectacles,underwhichevenNupkinsquailed。First,IwishtoknowwhatIandmyfriendhavebeenbroughtherefor?
MustItellhim?whisperedthemagistratetoJinks。
Ithinkyouhadbetter,sir,whisperedJinkstothemagistrate。
Aninformationhasbeenswornbeforeme,saidthemagistrate,thatitisapprehendedyouaregoingtofightaduel,andthattheotherman,Tupman,isyouraiderandabettorinit。Therefore——eh,Mr。Jinks?
Certainly,sir。
Therefore,Icalluponyouboth,to——Ithinkthat’sthecourse,Mr。
Jinks?
Certainly,sir。
To——to——what,Mr。Jinks?saidthemagistrate,pettishly。
Tofindbail,sir。
Yes。Therefore,Icalluponyouboth——asIwasabouttosay,whenI
wasinterruptedbymyclerk——tofindbail。
Goodbail,whisperedMr。Jinks。
Ishallrequiregoodbail,saidthemagistrate。
Town’s-people,whisperedJinks。
Theymustbetown’s-people,saidthemagistrate。
Fiftypoundseach,whisperedJinks,andhouseholders,ofcourse。
Ishallrequiretwosuretiesoffitypoundseach,saidthemagistratealoud,withgreatdignity,andtheymustbehouseholders,ofcourse。
But,blessmyheart,sir,saidMr。Pickwick,who,togetherwithMr。
Tupman,wasallamazementandindignation。weareperfectstrangersinthistown。Ihaveaslittleknowledgeofanyhouseholdershere,asIhaveintentionoffightingaduelwithanybody。
Idaresay,repliedthemagistrate,Idaresay——don’tyou,Mr。Jinks?
Certainly,sir。
Haveyouanythingmoretosay?inquiredthemagistrate。
Mr。Pickwickhadagreatdealmoretosay,whichhewouldnodoubthavesaid,verylittletohisownadvantage,orthemagistrate’ssatisfaction,ifhehadnot,themomentheceasedspeaking,beenpulledbythesleevebyMr。Weller,withwhomhewasimmediatelyengagedinsoearnestaconversation,thathesufferedthemagistrate’sinquirytopasswhollyunnoticed。Mr。Nupkinswasnotthemantoaskaquestionofthekindtwiceover。andso,withanotherpreparatorycough,heproceeded,amidstthereverentialandadmiringsilenceoftheconstables,topronouncehisdecision。
HeshouldfineWellertwopoundsforthefirstassault,andthreepoundsforthesecond。HeshouldfineWinkletwopounds,andSnodgrassonepound,besidesrequiringthemtoenterintotheirownrecognizancestokeepthepeacetowardsallhisMajesty’ssubjects,andespeciallytowardshisliegeservant,DanielGrummer。PickwickandTupmanhehadalreadyheldtobail。
Immediatelyonthemagistrateceasingtospeak,Mr。Pickwick,withasmilemantlingonhisagaingood-humouredcountenance,steppedforward,andsaid:
Ibegthemagistrate’spardon,butmayIrequestafewminutes’privateconversationwithhim,onamatterofdeepimportancetohimself?
What?saidthemagistrate。
Mr。Pickwickrepeatedhisrequest。
Thisisamostextraordinaryrequest,saidthemagistrate。Aprivateinterview?
Aprivateinterview,repliedMr。Pickwick,firmly。only,asapartoftheinformationwhichIwishtocommunicateisderivedfrommyservant,Ishouldwishhimtobepresent。
ThemagistratelookedatMr。Jinks。Mr。Jinkslookedatthemagistrate。
theofficerslookedateachotherinamazement。Mr。Nupkinsturnedsuddenlypale。CouldthemanWeller,inamomentofremorse,havedivulgedsomesecretconspiracyforhisassassination?Itwasadreadfulthought。Hewasapublicman:andheturnedpaler,ashethoughtofJuliusCaesarandMr。Perceval。
ThemagistratelookedatMr。Pickwickagain,andbeckonedMr。Jinks。
Whatdoyouthinkofthisrequest,Mr。Jinks?murmuredMr。Nupkins。
Mr。Jinks,whodidn’texactlyknowwhattothinkofit,andwasafraidhemightoffend,smiledfeebly,afteradubiousfashion,and,screwingupthecornersofhismouth,shookhisheadslowlyfromsidetoside。
Mr。Jinks,saidthemagistrategravely,youareanass。
Atthislittleexpressionofopinion,Mr。Jinkssmiledagain——rathermorefeeblythanbefore——andedgedhimselfbydegrees,backintohisowncorner。
Mr。Nupkinsdebatedthematterwithinhimselfforafewseconds,andthen,risingfromhischair,andrequestingMr。PickwickandSamtofollowhim,ledthewayintoasmallroomwhichopenedintothejusticeparlour。
DesiringMr。Pickwicktowalktotheupperendofthelittleapartment,andholdinghishanduponthehalf-closeddoor,thathemightbeabletoeffectanimmediateescape,incasetherewastheleasttendencytoadisplayofhostilities,Mr。Nupkinsexpressedhisreadinesstohearthecommunication,whateveritmightbe。
Iwillcometothepointatonce,sir,saidMr。Pickwick。itaffectsyourself,andyourcredit,materially。Ihaveeveryreasontobelieve,sir,thatyouareharbouringinyourhouse,agrossimpostor!
Two,interruptedSam。Mulberryaginallnatur,fortearsandwillainny!
Sam,saidMr。Pickwick,ifIamtorendermyselfintelligibletothisgentleman,Imustbegyoutocontrolyourfeelings。
Werysorry,sir,repliedMr。Weller。butwhenIthinko’thatereJob,Ican’thelpopeningthewalveainchortwo。
Inoneword,sir,saidMr。Pickwick,ismyservantrightinsuspectingthatacertainCaptainFitz-Marshallisinthehabitofvisitinghere?
Because,addedMr。Pickwick,ashesawthatMr。Nupkinswasabouttoofferaveryindignantinterruption,because,ifhebe,Iknowthatpersontobea——
Hush,hush,saidMr。Nupkins,closingthedoor。Knowhimtobewhat,sir?
Anunprincipledadventurer——adishonourablecharacter——amanwhopreysuponsociety,andmakeseasily-deceivedpeoplehisdupes,sir。hisabsurd,hisfoolish,hiswretcheddupes,sir,saidtheexcitedMr。Pickwick。
Dearme,saidMr。Nupkins,turningveryred,andalteringhiswholemannerdirectly。Dearme,Mr——
Pickvick,saidSam。
Pickwick,saidthemagistrate,dearme,Mr。Pickwick——praytakeaseat——youcannotmeanthis?CaptainFitz-Marshall?
Don’tcallhimacap’en,saidSam,norFitz-Marshallneither。heain’tneitheronenort’other。He’sastrollingactor,heis,andhisname’sJingle。andifevertherewasawolfinamulberrysuit,thatereJobTrotter’shim。
Itisverytrue,sir,saidMr。Pickwick,replyingtothemagistrate’slookofamazement。myonlybusinessinthistown,istoexposethepersonofwhomwenowspeak。
Mr。Pickwickproceededtopourintothehorror-strickenearofMr。Nupkins,anabridgedaccountofMr。Jingle’satrocities。Herelatedhowhehadfirstmethim。howhehadelopedwithMissWardle。howhehadcheerfullyresignedtheladyforapecuniaryconsideration。howhehadentrappedhimselfintoalady’sboarding-schoolatmidnight。andhowheMr。Pickwicknowfeltithisdutytoexposehisassumptionofhispresentnameandrank。
Asthenarrativeproceeded,allthewarmbloodinthebodyofMr。Nupkinstingledupintotheverytipsofhisears。Hehadpickedupthecaptainataneighbouringrace-course。Charmedwithhislonglistofaristocraticacquaintance,hisextensivetravel,andhisfashionabledemeanour,Mrs。
NupkinsandMissNupkinshadexhibitedCaptainFitz-Marshall,andquotedCaptainFitz-Marshall,andhurledCaptainFitz-Marshallatthedevotedheadsoftheirselectcircleofacquaintance,untiltheirbosomfriends,Mrs。PorkenhamandtheMissPorkenhams,andMr。SidneyPorkenham,werereadytoburstwithjealousyanddespair。Andnow,tohear,afterall,thathewasaneedyadventurer,astrollingplayer,andifnotaswindler,somethingsoverylikeit,thatitwashardtotellthedifference!Heavens!
WhatwouldthePorkenhamssay!WhatwouldbethetriumphofMr。SidneyPorkenhamwhenhefoundthathisaddresseshadbeenslightedforsucharival!Howshouldhe,Nupkins,meettheeyeofoldPorkenhamatthenextQuarterSessions!Andwhatahandlewoulditbefortheoppositionmagisterialparty,ifthestorygotabroad!
Butafterall,saidMr。Nupkins,brighteningforamoment,afteralongpause。afterall,thisisamerestatement。CaptainFitz-Marshallisamanofveryengagingmanners,and,Idaresay,hasmanyenemies。Whatproofhaveyouofthetruthoftheserepresentations?
Confrontmewithhim,saidMr。Pickwick,thatisallIask,andallIrequire。Confronthimwithmeandmyfriendshere。youwillwantnofurtherproof。
Why,saidMr。Nupkins,thatmightbeveryeasilydone,forhewillbehereto-night,andthentherewouldbenooccasiontomakethematterpublic,just——just——fortheyoungman’sownsake,youknow。I——I——shouldliketoconsultMrs。Nupkinsontheproprietyofthestep,inthefirstinstance,though。Atallevents,Mr。Pickwick,wemustdespatchthislegalbusinessbeforewecandoanythingelse。Praystepbackintothenextroom。
Intothenextroomtheywent。
Grummer,saidthemagistrate,inanawfulvoice。
Yourwash-up,repliedGrummer,withthesmileofafavourite。
Come,come,sir,saidthemagistratesternly,don’tletmeseeanyofthislevityhere。Itisveryunbecoming,andIcanassureyouthatyouhaveverylittletosmileat。Wastheaccountyougavemejustnowstrictlytrue?Nowbecareful,sir?
Yourwash-up,stammeredGrummer,I——
Oh,youareconfused,areyou?saidthemagistrate。Mr。Jinks,youobservethisconfusion?
Certainly,sir,repliedJinks。
Now,saidthemagistrate,repeatyourstatement,Grummer,andagainIwarnyoutobecareful。Mr。Jinks,takehiswordsdown。
TheunfortunateGrummerproceededtore-statehiscomplaint,but,whatbetweenMr。Jinks’stakingdownhiswords,andthemagistrate’stakingthemup。hisnaturaltendencytorambling,andhisextremeconfusion。hemanagedtogetinvolved,insomethingunderthreeminutes,insuchamassofentanglementandcontradiction,thatMr。Nupkinsatoncedeclaredhedidn’tbelievehim。Sothefineswereremitted,andMr。Jinksfoundacoupleofbailinnotime。Andallthesesolemnproceedingshavingbeensatisfactorilyconcluded,Mr。Grummerwasignominiouslyorderedout——anawfulinstanceoftheinstabilityofhumangreatness,andtheuncertaintenureofgreatmen’sfavour。
Mrs。Nupkinswasamajesticfemaleinapinkgauzeturbanandalightbrownwig。MissNupkinspossessedallhermamma’shaughtinesswithouttheturban,andallherillnaturewithoutthewig。andwhenevertheexerciseofthesetwoamiablequalitiesinvolvedmotheranddaughterinsomeunpleasantdilemma,astheynotunfrequentlydid,theybothconcurredinlayingtheblameontheshouldersofMr。Nupkins。Accordingly,whenMr。NupkinssoughtMrs。Nupkins,anddetailedthecommunicationwhichhadbeenmadebyMr。
Pickwick,Mrs。Nupkinssuddenlyrecollectedthatshehadalwaysexpectedsomethingofthekind。thatshehadalwayssaiditwouldbeso。thatheradvicewasnevertaken。thatshereallydidnotknowwhatMr。Nupkinssupposedshewas。andsoforth。
Theidea!saidMissNupkins,forcingatearofveryscantyproportionsintothecornerofeacheye。theideaofmybeingmadesuchafoolof!
Ah!youmaythankyourpapa,mydear,saidMrs。Nupkins。howhaveIimploredandbeggedthatmantoinquireintotheCaptain’sfamilyconnections。
howhaveIurgedandentreatedhimtotakesomedecisivestep!Iamquitecertainnobodywouldbelieveit——quite。
But,mydear,saidMr。Nupkins。
Don’ttalktome,youaggravatingthing,don’t!saidMrs。Nupkins。
Mylove,saidMr。Nupkins,youprofessedyourselfveryfondofCaptainFitz-Marshall。Youhaveconstantlyaskedhimhere,mydear,andyouhavelostnoopportunityofintroducinghimelsewhere。
Didn’tIsayso,Henrietta?criedMrs。Nupkins,appealingtoherdaughter,withtheairofamuch-injuredfemale。Didn’tIsaythatyourpapawouldturnroundandlayallthisatmydoor?Didn’tIsayso?HereMrs。Nupkinssobbed。
Ohpa!remonstratedMissNupkins。Andhereshesobbedtoo。
Isn’tittoomuch,whenhehasbroughtallthisdisgraceandridiculeuponus,totauntmewithbeingthecauseofit?exclaimedMrs。
Nupkins。
Howcanweevershowourselvesinsociety!saidMissNupkins。
HowcanwefacethePorkenhams!criedMrs。Nupkins。
OrtheGriggs’s!criedMissNupkins。
OrtheSlummintowkens!criedMrs。Nupkins。Butwhatdoesyourpapacare!Whatisittohim!Atthisdreadfulreflection,Mrs。Nupkinsweptwithmentalanguish,andMissNupkinsfollowedonthesameside。
Mrs。Nupkins’stearscontinuedtogushforth,withgreatvelocity,untilshehadgainedalittletimetothinkthematterover:whenshedecided,inherownmind,thatthebestthingtodowouldbetoaskMr。PickwickandhisfriendstoremainuntiltheCaptain’sarrival,andthentogiveMr。Pickwicktheopportunityhesought。Ifitappearedthathehadspokentruly,theCaptaincouldbeturnedoutofthehousewithoutnoisingthematterabroad,andtheycouldeasilyaccounttothePorkenhamsforhisdisappearance,bysayingthathehadbeenappointed,throughtheCourtinfluenceofhisfamily,totheGovernor-GeneralshipofSierraLeone,orSaugurPoint,oranyotherofthosesalubriousclimateswhichenchantEuropeanssomuchthat,whentheyoncegetthere,theycanhardlyeverprevailuponthemselvestocomebackagain。
WhenMrs。Nupkinsdrieduphertears,MissNupkinsdrieduphers,andMr。NupkinswasverygladtosettlethematterasMrs。Nupkinshadproposed。SoMr。Pickwickandhisfriends,havingwashedoffallmarksoftheirlateencounter,wereintroducedtotheladies,andsoonafterwardstotheirdinner。andMr。Weller,whomthemagistratewithhispeculiarsagacityhaddiscoveredinhalfanhourtobeoneofthefinestfellowsalive,wasconsignedtothecareandguardianshipofMr。Muzzle,whowasspeciallyenjoinedtotakehimbelow,andmakemuchofhim。
Howdedo,sir?saidMr。Muzzle,asheconductedMr。Wellerdownthekitchenstairs。
Why,nocon-siderablechangehastakenplaceinthestateofmysystem,sinceIseeyoucockedupbehindyourgovernor’schairintheparlour,alittlevileago,repliedSam。
Youwillexcusemynottakingmorenoticeofyouthen,saidMr。Muzzle。
Yousee,masterhadn’tintroducedus,then。Lord,howfondheisofyou,Mr。Weller,tobesure!
Ah,saidSam,whatapleasantchapheis!
Ain’the?repliedMr。Muzzle。
Somuchhumour,saidSam。
Andsuchamantospeak,saidMr。Muzzle。Howhisideasflow,don’tthey?
Wonderful,repliedSam。theycome’sapouringout,knockingeachother’sheadssofast,thattheyseemstostunoneanother。youhardlyknowwhathe’sarter,doyou?
That’sthegreatmeritofhisstyleofspeaking,rejoinedMr。Muzzle。
Takecareofthelaststep,Mr。Weller。Wouldyouliketowashyourhands,sir,beforewejointheladies?Here’sasink,withthewaterlaidon,sir,andacleanjacktowelbehindthedoor。
Ah!perhapsImayaswellhavearinse,repliedMr。Weller,applyingplentyofyellowsoaptothetowel,andrubbingaway,tillhisfaceshoneagain。Howmanyladiesarethere?
Onlytwoinourkitchen,saidMr。Muzzle,cookand’ousemaid。Wekeepaboytodothedirtywork,andagalbesides,buttheydineinthewashus。
Oh,theydinesinthewashus,dothey?saidMr。Weller。
Yes,repliedMr。Muzzle,wetried’ematourtablewhentheyfirstcome,butwecouldn’tkeep’em。Thegal’smannersisdreadfulvulgar。andtheboybreathessoveryhardwhilehe’seating,thatwefounditimpossibletositattablewithhim。
Younggrampus!saidMr。Weller。
Oh,dreadful,rejoinedMr。Muzzle。butthatistheworstofcountryservice,Mr。Weller。thejuniorsisalwayssoverysavage。Thisway,sir,ifyouplease。thisway。
PrecedingMr。Weller,withtheutmostpoliteness,Mr。Muzzleconductedhimintothekitchen。
Mary,saidMr。Muzzletotheprettyservant-girl,thisisMr。Weller。
agentlemanasmasterhassentdowntobemadeascomfortableaspossible。
Andyourmaster’saknowin’hand,andhasjustsentmetotherightplace,saidMr。Weller,withaglanceofadmirationatMary。IfIwosmastero’thisherehouse,IshouldalvaysfindthematerialsforcomfortvereMarywos。
Lor’,Mr。Weller,saidMary,blushing。
Well,Inever!ejaculatedthecook。
Blessme,cook,Iforgotyou,saidMr。Muzzle。Mr。Weller,letmeintroduceyou。
Howareyou,ma’am,saidMr。Weller。Werygladtoseeyou,indeed,andhopeouracquaintancemaybealong’un,asthegen’l’m’nsaidtothefi’pun’note。
Whenthisceremonyofintroductionhadbeengonethrough,thecookandMaryretiredintothebackkitchentotitter,fortenminutes。thenreturning,allgigglesandblushes,theysatdowntodinner。