Thegoodpeopleoftheboroughhadscarcelyachance，however，togettheireyesthoroughlyopen，when，justasitwantedhalfaminuteofnoon，therascalbounced，asIsay，rightintothemidstofthem；
　　gaveachassezhere，andabalancezthere；andthen，afterapirouetteandapas-de-zephyr，pigeon-wingedhimselfrightupintothebelfryoftheHouseoftheTownCouncil，wherethewonder-strickenbelfry-mansatsmokinginastateofdignityanddismay。Butthelittlechapseizedhimatoncebythenose；gaveitaswingandapull；clappedthebigchapeaude-brasuponhishead；
　　knockeditdownoverhiseyesandmouth；andthen，liftingupthebigfiddle，beathimwithitsolongandsosoundly，thatwhatwiththebelfry-manbeingsofat，andthefiddlebeingsohollow，youwouldhaveswornthattherewasaregimentofdouble-bassdrummersallbeatingthedevil’stattooupinthebelfryofthesteepleofVondervotteimittiss。
　　Thereisnoknowingtowhatdesperateactofvengeancethisunprincipledattackmighthavearousedtheinhabitants，butfortheimportantfactthatitnowwantedonlyhalfasecondofnoon。Thebellwasabouttostrike，anditwasamatterofabsoluteandpre-eminentnecessitythateverybodyshouldlookwellathiswatch。
　　Itwasevident，however，thatjustatthismomentthefellowinthesteeplewasdoingsomethingthathehadnobusinesstodowiththeclock。Butasitnowbegantostrike，nobodyhadanytimetoattendtohismanoeuvres，fortheyhadalltocountthestrokesofthebellasitsounded。
　　“One！”saidtheclock。
　　“Von！”echoedeverylittleoldgentlemanineveryleather-bottomedarm-chairinVondervotteimittiss。“Von！”saidhiswatchalso；“von！”
　　saidthewatchofhisvrow；and“von！”saidthewatchesoftheboys，andthelittlegiltrepeatersonthetailsofthecatandpig。
　　“Two！”continuedthebigbell；and“Doo！”repeatedalltherepeaters。
　　“Three！Four！Five！Six！Seven！Eight！Nine！Ten！”saidthebell。
　　“Dree！Vour！Fibe！Sax！Seben！Aight！Noin！Den！”answeredtheothers。
　　“Eleven！”saidthebigone。
　　“Eleben！”assentedthelittleones。
　　“Twelve！”saidthebell。
　　“Dvelf！”theyrepliedperfectlysatisfied，anddroppingtheirvoices。
　　“Unddvelfitis！”saidallthelittleoldgentlemen，puttinguptheirwatches。Butthebigbellhadnotdonewiththemyet。
　　“Thirteen！”saidhe。
　　“DerTeufel！”gaspedthelittleoldgentlemen，turningpale，droppingtheirpipes，andputtingdownalltheirrightlegsfromovertheirleftknees。
　　“DerTeufel！”groanedthey，“Dirteen！Dirteen！！MeinGott，itisDirteeno’clock！！”
　　Whyattempttodescribetheterriblescenewhichensued？AllVondervotteimittissflewatonceintoalamentablestateofuproar。
　　“Votiscum’dtomeinpelly？”roaredalltheboys“I’vebeenongryfordishour！”
　　“Votiscom’dtomeinkraut？”screamedallthevrows，“Ithasbeendonetoragsforthishour！”
　　“Votiscum’dtomeinpipe？”sworeallthelittleoldgentlemen，“DonderandBlitzen；ithasbeensmokedoutfordishour！”andtheyfilledthemupagaininagreatrage，andsinkingbackintheirarm-chairs，puffedawaysofastandsofiercelythatthewholevalleywasimmediatelyfilledwithimpenetrablesmoke。
　　Meantimethecabbagesallturnedveryredintheface，anditseemedasifoldNickhimselfhadtakenpossessionofeverythingintheshapeofatimepiece。Theclockscarveduponthefurnituretooktodancingasifbewitched，whilethoseuponthemantel-piecescouldscarcelycontainthemselvesforfury，andkeptsuchacontinualstrikingofthirteen，andsuchafriskingandwrigglingoftheirpendulumsaswasreallyhorribletosee。But，worsethanall，neitherthecatsnorthepigscouldputupanylongerwiththebehaviorofthelittlerepeaterstiedtotheirtails，andresenteditbyscamperingallovertheplace，scratchingandpoking，andsqueakingandscreeching，andcaterwaulingandsqualling，andflyingintothefaces，andrunningunderthepetticoatsofthepeople，andcreatingaltogetherthemostabominabledinandconfusionwhichitispossibleforareasonablepersontoconceive。Andtomakemattersstillmoredistressing，therascallylittlescape-graceinthesteeplewasevidentlyexertinghimselftotheutmost。Everynowandthenonemightcatchaglimpseofthescoundrelthroughthesmoke。Therehesatinthebelfryuponthebelfry-man，whowaslyingflatuponhisback。Inhisteeththevillainheldthebell-rope，whichhekeptjerkingaboutwithhishead，raisingsuchaclatterthatmyearsringagaineventothinkofit。Onhislaplaythebigfiddle，atwhichhewasscraping，outofalltimeandtune，withbothhands，makingagreatshow，thenincompoop！ofplaying“JudyO’FlannaganandPaddyO’Rafferty。”
　　Affairsbeingthusmiserablysituated，Ilefttheplaceindisgust，andnowappealforaidtoallloversofcorrecttimeandfinekraut。
　　Letusproceedinabodytotheborough，andrestoretheancientorderofthingsinVondervotteimittissbyejectingthatlittlefellowfromthesteeple。
　　allpeoplewentUpontheirtentoesinwildwonderment。
　　BishopHall’sSatires_。
　　IAM-thatistosayIwas-agreatman；butIamneithertheauthorofJuniusnorthemaninthemask；formyname，Ibelieve，isRobertJones，andIwasbornsomewhereinthecityofFum-Fudge。
　　Thefirstactionofmylifewasthetakingholdofmynosewithbothhands。Mymothersawthisandcalledmeagenius：myfatherweptforjoyandpresentedmewithatreatiseonNosology。ThisImasteredbeforeIwasbreeched。
　　Inowbegantofeelmywayinthescience，andsooncametounderstandthat，providedamanhadanosesufficientlyconspicuoushemight，bymerelyfollowingit，arriveataLionship。Butmyattentionwasnotconfinedtotheoriesalone。EverymorningIgavemyproboscisacoupleofpullsandswallowedahalfdozenofdrams。
　　WhenIcameofagemyfatheraskedme，oneday，IfIwouldstepwithhimintohisstudy。
　　“Myson。”saidhe，whenwewereseated，“whatisthechiefendofyourexistence？”
　　“Myfather。”Ianswered，“itisthestudyofNosology。”
　　“Andwhat，Robert。”heinquired，“isNosology？”
　　“Sir。”Isaid，“itistheScienceofNoses。”
　　“Andcanyoutellme。”hedemanded，“whatisthemeaningofanose？”
　　“Anose，myfather；“Ireplied，greatlysoftened，“hasbeenvariouslydefinedbyaboutathousanddifferentauthors。”[HereI
　　pulledoutmywatch。]“Itisnownoonorthereabouts-weshallhavetimeenoughtogetthroughwiththemallbeforemidnight。Tocommencethen：-Thenose，accordingtoBartholinus，isthatprotuberance
　　thatbump-thatexcrescence-that-“
　　“Willdo，Robert。”interruptedthegoodoldgentleman。“Iamthunderstruckattheextentofyourinformation-Iampositively
　　uponmysoul。”[Hereheclosedhiseyesandplacedhishanduponhisheart。]“Comehere！”[Herehetookmebythearm。]“Youreducationmaynowbeconsideredasfinished-itishightimeyoushouldscuffleforyourself-andyoucannotdoabetterthingthanmerelyfollowyournoseso-so-so-“[Herehekickedmedownstairsandoutofthedoor]-“sogetoutofmyhouse，andGodblessyou！”
　　AsIfeltwithinmethedivineafflatus，Iconsideredthisaccidentratherfortunatethanotherwise。Iresolvedtobeguidedbythepaternaladvice。Ideterminedtofollowmynose。Igaveitapullortwouponthespot，andwroteapamphletonNosologyforthwith。
　　AllFum-Fudgewasinanuproar。
　　“Wonderfulgenius！”saidtheQuarterly。
　　“Superbphysiologist！”saidtheWestminster。
　　“Cleverfellow！”saidtheForeign。
　　“Finewriter！”saidtheEdinburgh。
　　“Profoundthinker！”saidtheDublin。
　　“Greatman！”saidBentley。
　　“Divinesoul！”saidFraser。
　　“Oneofus！”saidBlackwood。
　　“Whocanhebe？”saidMrs。Bas-Bleu。
　　“Whatcanhebe？”saidbigMissBas-Bleu。
　　“Wherecanhebe？”saidlittleMissBas-Bleu-ButIpaidthesepeoplenoattentionwhatever-Ijuststeppedintotheshopofanartist。
　　TheDuchessofBless-my-Soulwassittingforherportrait；theMarquisofSo-and-SowasholdingtheDuchess’poodle；theEarlofThis-and-Thatwasflirtingwithhersalts；andhisRoyalHighnessofTouch-me-Notwasleaninguponthebackofherchair。
　　Iapproachedtheartistandturnedupmynose。
　　“Oh，beautiful！”sighedherGrace。
　　“Ohmy！”lispedtheMarquis。
　　“Oh，shocking！”groanedtheEarl。
　　“Oh，abominable！”growledhisRoyalHighness。
　　“Whatwillyoutakeforit？”askedtheartist。
　　“Forhisnose！”shoutedherGrace。
　　“Athousandpounds。”saidI，sittingdown。
　　“Athousandpounds？”inquiredtheartist，musingly。
　　“Athousandpounds。”saidI。
　　“Beautiful！”saidhe，entranced。
　　“Athousandpounds。”saidI。
　　“Doyouwarrantit？”heasked，turningthenosetothelight。
　　“Ido。”saidI，blowingitwell。
　　“Isitquiteoriginal？”heinquired；touchingitwithreverence。
　　“Humph！”saidI，twistingittooneside。
　　“Hasnocopybeentaken？”hedemanded，surveyingitthroughamicroscope。
　　“None。”saidI，turningitup。
　　“Admirable！”heejaculated，thrownquiteoffhisguardbythebeautyofthemanoeuvre。
　　“Athousandpounds。”saidI。
　　“Athousandpounds？”saidhe。
　　“Precisely。”saidI。
　　“Athousandpounds？”saidhe。
　　“Justso。”saidI。
　　“Youshallhavethem。”saidhe。“Whatapieceofvirtu！”Sohedrewmeacheckuponthespot，andtookasketchofmynose。IengagedroomsinJermynstreet，andsentherMajestytheninety-nintheditionofthe“Nosology。”withaportraitoftheproboscis-Thatsadlittlerake，thePrinceofWales，invitedmetodinner。
　　Wewerealllionsandrecherch閟。
　　TherewasamodernPlatonist。HequotedPorphyry，Iamblicus，Plotinus，Proclus，Hierocles，MaximusTyrius，andSyrianus。
　　Therewasahuman-perfectibilityman。HequotedTurgot，Price，Priestly，Condorcet，DeStael，andthe“AmbitiousStudentinIllHealth。”
　　TherewasSirPositiveParadox。Heobservedthatallfoolswerephilosophers，andthatallphilosopherswerefools。
　　Therewas苨theticusEthix。Hespokeoffire，unity，andatoms；
　　bi-partandpre-existentsoul；affinityanddiscord；primitiveintelligenceandhom鰋meria。
　　TherewasTheologosTheology。HetalkedofEusebiusandArianus；
　　heresyandtheCouncilofNice；Puseyismandconsubstantialism；
　　HomousiosandHomouioisios。
　　TherewasFricass閑fromtheRocherdeCancale。HementionedMuritonofredtongue；cauliflowerswithvelout？sauce；veal？laSt。
　　Menehoult；marinade？laSt。Florentin；andorangejelliesenmos鋓ques。
　　TherewasBibulusO’Bumper。HetoucheduponLatourandMarkbr黱nen；
　　uponMousseuxandChambertin；uponRichbourgandSt。George；uponHaubrion，Leonville，andMedoc；uponBaracandPreignac；uponGr鈜e，uponSauterne，uponLafitte，anduponSt。Peray。HeshookhisheadatClosdeVougeot，andtold，withhiseyesshut，thedifferencebetweenSherryandAmontillado。
　　TherewasSignorTintontintinofromFlorence。HediscoursedofCimabu？Arpino，Carpaccio，andArgostino-ofthegloomofCaravaggio，oftheamenityofAlbano，ofthecolorsofTitian，ofthefrowsofRubens，andofthewaggeriesofJanSteen。
　　TherewasthePresidentoftheFum-FudgeUniversity。HewasofopinionthatthemoonwascalledBendisinThrace，BubastisinEgypt，DianinRome，andArtemisinGreece。TherewasaGrandTurkfromStamboul。Hecouldnothelpthinkingthattheangelswerehorses，cocks，andbulls；thatsomebodyinthesixthheavenhadseventythousandheads；andthattheearthwassupportedbyasky-bluecowwithanincalculablenumberofgreenhorns。
　　TherewasDelphinusPolyglott。Hetolduswhathadbecomeoftheeighty-threelosttragediesof苨chylus；ofthefifty-fourorationsofIs鎢s；ofthethreehundredandninety-onespeechesofLysias；ofthehundredandeightytreatisesofTheophrastus；oftheeighthbookoftheconicsectionsofApollonius；ofPindar’shymnsanddithyrambics；andofthefiveandfortytragediesofHomerJunior。
　　TherewasFerdinandFitz-FossillusFeltspar。Heinformedusallaboutinternalfiresandtertiaryformations；about鋏riforms，fluidiforms，andsolidiforms；aboutquartzandmarl；aboutschistandschorl；
　　aboutgypsumandtrap；abouttalcandcalc；aboutblendeandhorn-blende；aboutmica-slateandpudding-stone；aboutcyaniteandlepidolite；abouthematiteandtremolite；aboutantimonyandcalcedony；aboutmanganeseandwhateveryouplease。
　　Therewasmyself。Ispokeofmyself；-ofmyself，ofmyself，ofmyself；-ofNosology，ofmypamphlet，andofmyself。Iturnedupmynose，andIspokeofmyself。
　　“Marvellouscleverman！”saidthePrince。
　　“Superb！”saidhisguests：-andnextmorningherGraceofBless-my-Soulpaidmeavisit。