“WillyougotoAlmack’s，prettycreature？”shesaid，tappingmeunderthechin。
　　“Uponhonor。”saidI。
　　“Noseandall？”sheasked。
　　“AsIlive。”Ireplied。
　　“Herethenisacard，mylife。ShallIsayyouwillbethere？”
　　“DearDuchess，withallmyheart。”
　　“Pshaw，no！-butwithallyournose？”
　　“Everybitofit，mylove。”saidI：soIgaveitatwistortwo，andfoundmyselfatAlmack’s。Theroomswerecrowdedtosuffocation。
　　“Heiscoming！”saidsomebodyonthestaircase。
　　“Heiscoming！”saidsomebodyfartherup。
　　“Heiscoming！”saidsomebodyfartherstill。
　　“Heiscome！”exclaimedtheDuchess。“Heiscome，thelittlelove！”-
　　and，seizingmefirmlybybothhands，shekissedmethriceuponthenose。Amarkedsensationimmediatelyensued。
　　“Diavolo！”criedCountCapricornutti。
　　“Diosguarda！”mutteredDonStiletto。
　　“Milletonnerres！”ejaculatedthePrincedeGrenouille。
　　“Tousandteufel！”growledtheElectorofBluddennuff。
　　Itwasnottobeborne。Igrewangry。IturnedshortuponBluddennuff。
　　“Sir！”saidItohim，“youareababoon。”
　　“Sir。”hereplied，afterapause，“DonnerundBlitzen！”
　　Thiswasallthatcouldbedesired。Weexchangedcards。AtChalk-Farm，thenextmorning，Ishotoffhisnose-andthencalleduponmyfriends。
　　“B阾e！”saidthefirst。
　　“Fool！”saidthesecond。
　　“Dolt！”saidthethird。
　　“Ass！”saidthefourth。
　　“Ninny！”saidthefifth。
　　“Noodle！”saidthesixth。
　　“Beoff！”saidtheseventh。
　　AtallthisIfeltmortified，andsocalleduponmyfather。
　　“Father。”Iasked，“whatisthechiefendofmyexistence？”
　　“Myson。”hereplied，“itisstillthestudyofNosology；butinhittingtheElectoruponthenoseyouhaveovershotyourmark。Youhaveafinenose，itistrue；butthenBluddennuffhasnone。Youaredamned，andhehasbecometheherooftheday。IgrantyouthatinFum-Fudgethegreatnessofalionisinproportiontothesizeofhisproboscis-but，goodheavens！thereisnocompetingwithalionwhohasnoproboscisatall。”
　　ASitiswellknownthatthe’wisemen’came’fromtheEast，’andasMr。Touch-and-goBullet-headcamefromtheEast，itfollowsthatMr。
　　Bullet-headwasawiseman；andifcollateralproofofthematterbeneeded，herewehaveitMr。B。wasaneditor。Irascibilitywashissolefoible，forinfacttheobstinacyofwhichmenaccusedhimwasanythingbuthisfoible，sincehejustlyconsideredithisforte。Itwashisstrongpointhisvirtue；anditwouldhaverequiredallthelogicofaBrownsontoconvincehimthatitwas’anythingelse。’
　　IhaveshownthatTouch-and-goBullet-headwasawiseman；andtheonlyoccasiononwhichhedidnotproveinfallible，waswhen，abandoningthatlegitimatehomeforallwisemen，theEast，hemigratedtothecityofAlexander-the-Great-o-nopolis，orsomeplaceofasimilartitle，outWest。
　　Imustdohimthejusticetosay，however，thatwhenhemadeuphismindfinallytosettleinthattown，itwasundertheimpressionthatnonewspaper，andconsequentlynoeditor，existedinthatparticularsectionofthecountry。Inestablishing’TheTea-Pot’heexpectedtohavethefieldalltohimself。IfeelconfidentheneverwouldhavedreamedoftakinguphisresidenceinAlexander-the-Great-o-nopolishadhebeenawarethat，inAlexander-the-Great-o-nopolis，therelivedagentlemannamedJohnSmithifIrightlyremember，whoformanyyearshadtherequietlygrownfatineditingandpublishingthe’Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolisGazette。’Itwassolely，therefore，onaccountofhavingbeenmisinformed，thatMr。Bullet-headfoundhimselfinAlex-supposewecallitNopolis，’forshort’but，ashedidfindhimselfthere，hedeterminedtokeepuphischaracterforobstforfirmness，andremain。Soremainhedid；andhedidmore；
　　heunpackedhispress，type，etc。，etc。，rentedanofficeexactlyoppositetothatofthe’Gazette，’and，onthethirdmorningafterhisarrival，issuedthefirstnumberof’TheAlexan’thatistosay，of’TheNopolisTea-Pot’asnearlyasIcanrecollect，thiswasthenameofthenewpaper。
　　Theleadingarticle，Imustadmit，wasbrilliantnottosaysevere。Itwasespeciallybitteraboutthingsingeneralandasfortheeditorof’TheGazette，’hewastornalltopiecesinparticular。SomeofBullethead’sremarkswerereallysofierythatI
　　havealways，sincethattime，beenforcedtolookuponJohnSmith，whoisstillalive，inthelightofasalamander。Icannotpretendtogiveallthe’Tea-Pot’s’paragraphsverbatim，butoneofthemrunsthus：
　　’Oh，yes！Oh，weperceive！Oh，nodoubt！TheeditoroverthewayisageniusO，my！Oh，goodness，gracious！whatisthisworldcomingto？Oh，tempora！Oh，Moses！’
　　Aphilippicatoncesocausticandsoclassical，alightedlikeabombshellamongthehithertopeacefulcitizensofNopolis。Groupsofexcitedindividualsgatheredatthecornersofthestreets。Everyoneawaited，withheartfeltanxiety，thereplyofthedignifiedSmith。
　　Nextmorningitappearedasfollows：
　　’Wequotefrom“TheTea-Pot“ofyesterdaythesubjoinedparagraph：
　　“Oh，yes！Oh，weperceive！Oh，nodoubt！Oh，my！Oh，goodness！Oh，tempora！Oh，Moses！”Why，thefellowisallO！Thataccountsforhisreasoninginacircle，andexplainswhythereisneitherbeginningnorendtohim，nortoanythinghesays。Wereallydonotbelievethevagabondcanwriteawordthathasn’tanOinit。WonderifthisO-ingisahabitofhis？By-the-by，hecameawayfromDown-Eastinagreathurry。WonderifheO’sasmuchthereashedoeshere？“O！itispitiful。”’
　　TheindignationofMr。Bullet-headatthesescandalousinsinuations，Ishallnotattempttodescribe。Ontheeel-skinningprinciple，however，hedidnotseemtobesomuchincensedattheattackuponhisintegrityasonemighthaveimagined。Itwasthesneerathisstylethatdrovehimtodesperation。What！heTouch-and-goBullet-head！notabletowriteawordwithoutanOinit！Hewouldsoonletthejackanapesseethathewasmistaken。Yes！hewouldlethimseehowmuchhewasmistaken，thepuppy！He，Touch-and-goBullet-head，ofFrogpondium，wouldletMr。JohnSmithperceivethathe，Bullet-head，couldindite，ifitsopleasedhim，awholeparagraphaye！awholearticleinwhichthatcontemptiblevowelshouldnotoncenotevenoncemakeitsappearance。Butno；
　　thatwouldbeyieldingapointtothesaidJohnSmith。He，Bullet-head，wouldmakenoalterationinhisstyle，tosuitthecapricesofanyMr。SmithinChristendom。Perishsovileathought！
　　TheOforever；HewouldpersistintheO。HewouldbeasO-wyasO-wycouldbe。
　　Burningwiththechivalryofthisdetermination，thegreatTouch-and-go，inthenext’Tea-Pot，’cameoutmerelywiththissimplebutresoluteparagraph，inreferencetothisunhappyaffair：
　　’Theeditorofthe“Tea-Pot“hasthehonorofadvisingtheeditorofthe“Gazette“thathethe“Tea-Pot“willtakeanopportunityintomorrowmorning’spaper，ofconvincinghimthe“Gazette“thathethe“Tea-Pot“bothcanandwillbehisownmaster，asregardsstyle；hethe“Tea-Pot“intendingtoshowhimthe“Gazette“thesupreme，andindeedthewitheringcontemptwithwhichthecriticismofhimthe“Gazette“inspirestheindependentbosomofhimthe“TeaPot“bycomposingfortheespecialgratification？ofhimthe“Gazette“aleadingarticle，ofsomeextent，inwhichthebeautifulvoweltheemblemofEternityyetsooffensivetothehyper-exquisitedelicacyofhimthe“Gazette“shallmostcertainlynotbeavoidedbyhisthe“Gazette’s“mostobedient，humbleservant，the“Tea-Pot。”“SomuchforBuckingham！”’
　　Infulfilmentoftheawfulthreatthusdarklyintimatedratherthandecidedlyenunciated，thegreatBullet-head，turningadeafeartoallentreatiesfor’copy，’andsimplyrequestinghisforemanto’gotothed-l，’whenhetheforemanassuredhimthe’Tea-Pot’！thatitwashightimeto’gotopress’：turningadeafeartoeverything，Isay，thegreatBullet-headsatupuntilday-break，consumingthemidnightoil，andabsorbedinthecompositionofthereallyunparalleledparagraph，whichfollows：-
　　’Soho，John！hownow？Toldyouso，youknow。Don’tcrow，anothertime，beforeyou’reoutofthewoods！Doesyourmotherknowyou’reout？Oh，no，no！sogohomeatonce，now，John，toyourodiousoldwoodsofConcord！Gohometoyourwoods，oldowlgo！Youwon’t！
　　Oh，poh，poh，don’tdoso！You’vegottogo，youknow！Sogoatonce，anddon’tgoslow，fornobodyownsyouhere，youknow！Oh！John，John，ifyoudon’tgoyou’renohomono！You’reonlyafowl，anowl，acow，asow，adoll，apoll；apoor，old，good-for-nothing-to-nobody，log，dog，hog，orfrog，comeoutofaConcordbog。Cool，nowcool！Dobecool，youfool！Noneofyourcrowing，oldcock！Don’tfrownsodon’t！Don’thollo，norhowlnorgrowl，norbow-wow-wow！GoodLord，John，howyoudolook！Toldyouso，youknowbutstoprollingyourgooseofanoldpollaboutso，andgoanddrownyoursorrowsinabowl！’
　　Exhausted，verynaturally，bysostupendousaneffort，thegreatTouch-and-gocouldattendtonothingfartherthatnight。Firmly，composedly，yetwithanairofconsciouspower，hehandedhisMS。tothedevilinwaiting，andthen，walkingleisurelyhome，retired，withineffabledignitytobed。
　　Meantimethedevil，towhomthecopywasentrusted，ranupstairstohis’case，’inanunutterablehurry，andforthwithmadeacommencementat’setting’theMS。’up。’
　　Inthefirstplace，ofcourse，astheopeningwordwas’So，’hemadeaplungeintothecapitalSholeandcameoutintriumphwithacapitalS。Elatedbythissuccess，heimmediatelythrewhimselfuponthelittle-oboxwithablindfoldimpetuositybutwhoshalldescribehishorrorwhenhisfingerscameupwithouttheanticipatedletterintheirclutch？whoshallpainthisastonishmentandrageatperceiving，asherubbedhisknuckles，thathehadbeenonlythumpingthemtonopurpose，againstthebottomofanemptybox。Notasinglelittle-owasinthelittle-ohole；and，glancingfearfullyatthecapital-Opartition，hefoundthattohisextremeterror，inapreciselysimilarpredicament。Awestricken，hisfirstimpulsewastorushtotheforeman。
　　’Sir！’saidhe，gaspingforbreath，’Ican’tneversetupnothingwithoutnoo’s。’
　　’Whatdoyoumeanbythat？’growledtheforeman，whowasinaveryillhumoratbeingkeptsolate。
　　’Why，sir，therebeantanointheoffice，neitherabigunnoralittleun！’
　　’Whatwhatthed-lhasbecomeofallthatwereinthecase？’
　　’Idon’tknow，sir，’saidtheboy，’butoneofthemere“G’zette“
　　devilsisbinprowling’bouthereallnight，andIspecthe’sgoneandcabbaged’emeveryone。’
　　’Dodrothim！Ihaven’tadoubtofit，’repliedtheforeman，gettingpurplewithrage’butItellyouwhatyoudo，Bob，that’sagoodboyyougooverthefirstchanceyougetandhookeveryoneoftheiri’sandd-nthem！theirizzards。’