And,ifyoudon’tbelieveme,getshikarredyourselfThat’sall。
  ACODEOFMORALS
  LestyoushouldthinkthisstorytrueImerelymentionI
  Evolveditlately’TisamostUnmitigatedmisstatement。
  NowJoneshadlefthisnew-wedbridetokeephishouseinorder,AndhiedawaytotheHurrumHillsabovetheAfghanborder,Tositonarockwithaheliograph;buterehelefthetaughtHiswifetheworkingoftheCodethatsetsthemilesatnaught。
  AndLovehadmadehimverysage,asNaturemadeherfair;
  SoCupidandApollolinked,perheliograph,thepair。
  Atdawn,acrosstheHurrumHills,heflashedhercounselwise——
  Ate’en,thedyingsunsetboreherbusband’shomilies。
  Hewarnedher’gainstseductiveyouthsinscarletcladandgold,Asmuchas’gainsttheblandishmentspaternaloftheold;
  Butkepthisgravestwarningsforherebythedittyhangs
  Thatsnowy-hairedLothario,Lieutenant-GeneralBangs。
  ’TwasGeneralBangs,withAideandStaff,whotittuppedontheway,Whentheybeheldaheliographtempestuouslyatplay。
  TheythoughtofBorderrisings,andofstationssackedandburnt——
  Sostoppedtotakethemessagedown——andthisiswhaytheylearnt——
  “Dashdotdot,dot,dotdash,dotdashdot“twiceTheGeneralswore。
  “WaseverGeneralOfficeraddressedas’dear’before?
  “’MyLove,’i’faith!’MyDuck,’Gadzooks!’Mydarlingpopsy-wop!’
  “SpiritofgreatLordWolseley,whoisonthatmountaintop?”
  TheartlessAide-de-campwasmute;thegildedStaffwerestill,As,dumbwithpent-upmirth,theybookedthatmessagefromthehill;
  Forclearassummerlightning-flare,thehusband’swarningran:——
  “Don’tdanceorridewithGeneralBangs——amostimmoralman。”
  [Atdawn,acrosstheHurrumHills,heflashedhercounselwise——
  But,howsoeverLovebeblind,theworldatlargehatheyes。]
  WithdamnatorydotanddashheheliographedhiswifeSomeinterestingdetailsoftheGeneral’sprivatelife。
  TheartlessAide-de-campwasmute,theshiningStaffwerestill,AndredandeverreddergrewtheGeneral’sshavengill。
  Andthisiswhathesaidatlasthisfeelingsmatternot:——
  “Ithinkwe’vetappedaprivatelineHi!Threesaboutthere!Trot!”
  AllhonouruntoBangs,forne’erdidJonesthereafterknowBywordoractofficialwhoreadoffthathelio。
  ButthetaleisontheFrontier,andfromMichnitoMooltanTheyknowtheworthyGeneralas“thatmostimmoralman。”
  THELASTDEPARTMENT
  TwelvehundredmillionmenarespreadAboutthisEarth,andIandYouWonder,whenYouandIaredead,“Whatwillthoselucklessmillionsdo?”
  Nonewholeorclean,“wecry,“orfreefromstainOffavour。”Waitawhile,tillweattainTheLastDepartmentwherenorfraudnorfools,Norgradenorgreed,shalltroubleusagain。
  Fear,Favour,orAffection——whataretheseTothegrimHeadwhoclaimsourservices?
  IneverknewawifeorinterestyetDelaythatpukkastep,miscalled“decease“;
  Whenleave,longoverdue,nonecandeny;
  WhenidlenessofallEternityBecomesourfurlough,andthemarigoldOurthriftless,bullion-mintingTreasuryTransferredtotheEternalSettlement,Eachinhisstrait,wood-scantledofficepent,NolongerBrownreversesSmith’sappeals,OrJonesrecordshisMinuteofDissent。
  AndOne,longsinceapillaroftheCourt,Asmudbetweenthebeamsthereofiswrought;
  AndOnewhowroteonphosphatesforthecropsIssubject-matterofhisownReport。
  Thesebethegloriousendswheretowepass——
  LetHimwhoIs,gocallonHimwhoWas;
  AndHeshallseethemalliestealstheslabForcurrie-grinder,andforgoatsthegrass。
  Abreathofwind,aBorderbullet’sflight,Adraughtofwater,orahorse’sfirght——
  ThedroningofthefatSheristadarCeases,thepunkahstops,andfallsthenightForyouorMeDothosewholivedeclineThestepthatoffers,ortheirworkresign?
  Trustme,To-day’sMostIndispensables,Fivehundredmencantakeyourplaceormine。
  OTHERVERSES
  RECESSIONAL
  AVictorianOde
  Godofourfathers,knownofold——
  Lordofourfar-flungbattleline——
  BeneathwhoseawfulhandweholdDominionoverpalmandpine——
  LordGodofHosts,bewithusyet,Lestweforget——lestweforget!
  Thetumultandtheshoutingdies——
  TheCaptainsandtheKingsdepart——
  StillstandsThineancientsacrifice,Anhumbleandacontriteheart。
  LordGodofHosts,bewithusyet,Lestweforget——lestweforget!
  Far-calledournaviesmeltaway——
  Onduneandheadlandsinksthefire——
  Lo,allourpompofyesterdayIsonewithNinevehandTyre!
  JudgeoftheNations,spareusyet,Lestweforget——lestweforget!
  If,drunkwithsightofpower,welooseWildtonguesthathavenotTheeinawe——
  SuchboastingsastheGentilesuse,OrlesserbreedswithouttheLaw——
  LordGodofHosts,bewithusyet,Lestweforget——lestweforget!
  ForheathenheartthatputshertrustInreekingtubeandironshard——
  Allvaliantdustthatbuildsondust,AndguardingcallsnotTheetoguard。
  Forfranticboastandfoolishword,ThyMercyonThyPeople,Lord!
  Amen。
  THEVAMPIRE
  Theverses——assuggestedbythepaintingbyPhilipBurneJones,firstexhibitedatthenewgalleryinLondonin1897。
  AfooltherewasandhemadhisprayerEvenasyouandI!
  ToaragandaboneandahankofhairWecalledherthewomanwhodidnotcare,ButthefoolhecalledherhisladyfairEvenasyouandI!
  OhtheyearswewasteandthetearswewasteAndtheworkofourheadandhand,BelongtothewomanwhodidnotknowAndnowweknowthatshenevercouldknow
  Anddidnotunderstand。
  AfooltherewasandhisgoodshespentEvenasyouandI!
  HonorandfaithandasureintentButafoolmustfollowhisnaturalbentAnditwasn’ttheleastwhattheladymeant,EvenasyouandI!
  OhthetoilwelostandthespoilwelostAndtheexcellentthingsweplanned,Belongtothewomanwhodidn’tknowwhyAndnowweknowsheneverknewwhy
  Anddidnotunderstand。
  ThefoolwestrippedtohisfoolishhideEvenasyouandI!
  Whichshemighthaveseenwhenshethrewhimaside——
  Butitisn’tonrecordtheladytried
  Sosomeofhimlivedbutthemostofhimdied——
  EvenasyouandI!
  Anditisn’ttheshameanditisn’ttheblameThatstingslikeawhitehotbrand。
  It’scomingtoknowthatsheneverknewwhySeeingatlastshecouldneverknowwhy
  Andnevercouldunderstand。
  TOTHEUNKNOWNGODDESS
  Willyouconquermyheartwithyourbeauty;mysouldgoingoutfromafar?
  ShallIfalltoyourhandasavictimofcraftyandcautionsshikar?
  HaveImetyouandpassedyoualready,unknowing,unthinkingandblind?
  ShallImeetyounextsessionatSimla,Osweetestandbestofyourkind?
  DoesthePandObearyoutomeward,or,cladinshortfrocksintheWest,Areyougrowingthecharmsthatshallcaptureandtorturetheheartinmybreast?
  WillyoustayinthePlainstillSeptember——mypassionaswarmastheday?
  WillyoubringmetobookontheMountains,orwherethethermantidotesplay?
  WhenthelightofyoureyesshallmakepallidthemeanlesserlightsIpursue,Andthecharmofyourpresenceshallluremefromloveofthegay“thirteen-two“;
  Whenthepegandthepig-skinshallpleasenot;whenIbuymeCalcutta-buildclothes;
  WhenIquittheDelightofWildAsses;foreswearingtheswearingofoaths;
  AsadeertothehandofthehunterwhenIturn’midthegibesofmyfriends;
  Whenthedaysofmyfreedomarenumbered,andthelifeofthebachelorends。
  Ah,Goddess!child,spinster,orwidow——asofoldonMarsHillwheytheyraisedTotheGodthattheyknewnotanaltar——soI,ayoungPagan,havepraisedTheGoddessIknownotnorworship;yet,ifhalfthatmentellmebetrue,Youwillcomeinthefuture,andthereforetheseversesarewrittentoyou。
  TheRupaiyatofOmarKal’vin[Allowingforthedifference’twixtproseandrhymedexaggeration,thisoughttoreproducethesenseofwhatSirA——toldthenationsometimeago,whentheGovernmentstruckfromourincomestwopercent。]
  NowtheNewYear,revivinglastYear’sDebt,TheThoughtfulFishercastethwidehisNet;
  SoIwithbeggingDishandreadyTongueAssailallMenforallthatIcanget。
  ImportsindeedaregonewithalltheirDues——
  Lo!SaltaLeverthatIdarenotuse,NormayIasktheTillersinBengal——
  SurelymyKithandKinwillnotrefuse!
  Pay——andIpromisebytheDustofSpring,RetrenchmentIfmypromisescanbringComfort,YehaveThemnowathousandfold——
  ByAllah!IwillpromiseAnything!
  Indeed,indeed,RetrenchmentoftbeforeIsore——butdidImeanitwhenIswore?
  Andthen,andthen,WewanderedtotheHills,AndsotheLittleLessbecameMuchMore。
  WhetheraBoileaugungeorBabylon,IknownothowthewretchedThingisdone,TheItemsofReceiptgrowsurelysmall;
  TheItemsofExpensemountonebyone。
  IcannothelpitWhathaveItodoWithOneandFive,orFour,orThree,orTwo?
  LetScribesspitBloodandSulphurastheyplease,OrStatesmencallmefoolish——Heednotyou。
  Behold,Ipromise——AnythingYouwill。
  Behold,IgreetyouwithanemptyTill——
  Ah!Fellow-Sinners,ofyourCharitySeeknottheReasonoftheDearth,butfill。
  ForifIsinnedandfell,whereliestheGainOfKnowledge?WoulditeaseyouofyourPainToknowthetangledThreadsofRevenue,IraveldeeperinahopelessSkein?
  “WhohathnotPrudence“——whatwasitIsaid,OfHerwhopaintsherEyesandtiresHerHead,AndgibesandmocksandPeopleintheStreet,AndfawnsuponthemforHerthriftlessBread?
  AccursedisSheofEve’sdaughters——SheHathcastoffPrudence,andHerEndshallbeDestructionBrethren,ofyourBountySomeportionofyourdailyBreadtoMe。
  LANUITBLANCHE
  Amuch-discerningPublicholdTheSingergenerallysingsAndprintsandsellshispastforgold。
  WhateverImayheredisclaim,TheverycleverfolkIsingtoWillmostindubitablyclingtoTheirpetdelusion,justthesame。
  Ihadseen,asthedawnwasbreakingAndIstaggeredtomyrest,TariDevisoftlyshakingFromtheCartRoadtothecrest。
  IhadseenthespursofJakkoHeaveandquiver,swellandsink。
  WasitEarthquakeortobacco,DayofDoom,orNightofDrink?
  Inthefull,freshfragrantmorningIobservedacamelcrawl,Lawsofgravitationscorning,Ontheceilingandthewall;
  ThenIwatchedafenderwalking,AndIheardgreyleechessing,Andared-hotmonkeytalkingDidnotseemtheproperthing。
  ThenaCreature,skinnedandcrimson,Ranaboutthefloorandcried,AndtheysaidthatIhadthe“jims“on,Andtheydosedmewithbromide,Andtheylockedmeinmybedroom