Resident-Engineer,Boughtlikeabullock,hoofandhide,BytheLittleTinGodsontheMountainSide。
  BytheLawsoftheFamilyCircle’tiswritteninlettersofbrassThatonlyaColonelfromChathamcanmanagetheRailwaysofState,Becauseofthegoldonhisbreeks,andthesubjectswhereinhemustpass;
  BecauseinallmattersthatdealnotwithRailwayshisknowledgeisgreat。
  NowExeterBattlebyTringhadlabouredfromboyhoodtoeldOntheLinesoftheEastandtheWest,andekeoftheNorthandSouth;
  ManyLineshadhebuiltandsurveyed——importantthepostswhichheheld;
  AndtheLordsoftheIronHorseweredumbwhenheopenedhismouth。
  Blackastheravenhisgarb,andhisheresiesjettierstill——
  HintingthatRailwaysrequiredlifetimesofstudyandknowledge——
  Neverclankedswordbyhisside——Vaubanheknewnotnordrill——
  Norwashisnameonthelistofthemenwhohadpassedthroughthe“College。”
  WhereforetheLittleTinGodsharriedtheirlittletinsouls,SeeinghecamenotfromChatham,jinglednospursathisheels,Knowingthat,nevertheless,washefirstontheGovernmentrollsForthebilletof“RailwayInstructortoLittleTinGodsonWheels。”
  Lettersnotseldomtheywrotehim,“havingthehonourtostate。”
  Itwouldbebetterforallmenifhewerelaidontheshelf。
  Muchwouldaccruetohisbank-book,anheconsentedtowaitUntiltheLittleTinGodsbuilthimaberthforhimself,“Special,wellpaid,andexemptfromtheLawoftheFiftyandFive,EventoNinetyandNine“——thesewerethetermsofthepact:
  ThusdidtheLittleTinGodslonmayTheirHighnessesthrive!
  Silencehismouthwithrupees,keepingtheirCircleintact;
  AppointingaColonelfromChathamwhomanagedtheBhamoStateLineThewichwasonmileandonefurlong——aguaranteedtwenty-inchgauge,SoExeterBattlebyTringconsentedhisclaimstoresign,Anddied,onfourthousandamonth,intheninetiethyearofhisage!
  DELILAH
  Wehaveanotherviceroynow,——thosedaysaredeadanddoneOfDelilahAberyswithanddepravedUlyssesGunne。
  DelilahAberyswithwasalady——nottooyoung——
  Withaperfecttasteindressesandabadly-bittedtongue,Withathirstforinformation,andagreaterthirstforpraise,AndalittlehouseinSimlainthePrehistoricDays。
  Byreasonofhermarriagetoagentlemaninpower,Delilahwasacquaintedwiththegossipofthehour;
  Andmanylittlesecrets,ofthehalf-officialkind,WerewhisperedtoDelilah,andsheborethemallinmind。
  Shepatronizedextensivelyaman,UlyssesGunne,Whosemodeofearningmoneywasalowandshamefulone。
  Hewroteforcertainpapers,which,aseverybodyknows,Isworsethanservinginashoporscaringoffthecrows。
  Hepraisedher“queenlybeauty“first;and,lateron,hehintedAtthe“vastnessofherintellect“withcomplimentunstinted。
  Hewentwithhera-riding,andhisloveforherwassuchThathelentherallhishorsesand——shegalledthemverymuch。
  Oneday,THEYbrewedasecretofafinefinancialsort;
  ItrelatedtoAppointments,toaManandaReport。
  ’Twasalmostwortththekeeping,——onlysevenpeopleknewit——
  AndGunneroseuptoseekthetruthandpatientlyensueit。
  ItwasaViceroy’sSecret,but——perhapsthewinewasred——
  PerhapsanAgedConcillorhadlosthisagedhead——
  PerhapsDelilah’seyeswerebright——Delilah’swhisperssweet——
  TheAgedMembertoldherwhat’tweretreasontorepeat。
  Ulysseswenta-riding,andtheytalkedofloveandflowers;
  Ulysseswenta-calling,andhecalledforseveralhours;
  Ulysseswenta-waltzing,andDelilahhelpedhimdance——
  Ulyssesletthewaltzesgo,andwaitedforhischance。
  Thesummersunwassetting,andthesummerairwasstill,Thecouplewenta-walkingintheshadeofSummerHill。
  Thewastefulsunsetfadedoutinturkis-greenandgold,Ulyssespleadedsoftly,andthatbadDelilahtold!
  Nextmorn,astartledEmpirelearnttheall-importantnews;
  Nextweek,theAgedCouncillorwasshakinginhisshoes。
  Nextmonth,ImetDelilahandshedidnotshowtheleastHesitationinaffirmingthatUlysseswasa“beast。”
  *
  WehaveanotherViceroynow,thosedaysaredeadanddone——
  Off,DelilahAberyswithandmostmeanUlyssesGunne!
  WHATHAPPENED
  HurreeChunderMookerjee,prideofBowBazaar,Ownerofanativepress,“Barrishter-at-Lar。”
  WaitedontheGovernmentwithaclaimtowearSabresbythebucketful,riflesbythepair。
  ThentheIndianGovernmentwinkedawickedwink,SaidtoChunderMookerjee:“Sticktopenandink。
  Theyaresaferimplements,but,ifyouinsist,Wewillletyoucarryarmswheresoe’eryoulist。”
  HurreeChunderMookerjeesoughtthegunsmithandBoughtthetubesofLancaster,Ballard,Dean,andBland,Boughtashinybowie-knife,boughtatown-madesword,Jingledlikeacarriage-horsewhenhewentabroad。
  ButtheIndianGovernment,alwayskeentoplease,Alsogavepermissiontohorridmenlikethese——
  YarMahommedYusufzai,downtokillorsteal,ChimbuSinghfromBikaneer,TantiatheBhil;
  KillarKhantheMarrichief,JowarSinghtheSikh,NubbeeBakshPunjabiJat,AbdulHuqRafiq——
  HewasaWahabi;last,littleBohHla-ooTookadvantageoftheAct——tookaSnidertoo。
  Theywereunenlightenedmen,Ballardknewthemnot。
  Theyprocuredtheirswordsandgunschieflyonthespot;
  Andtheloreofcenturies,plusahundredfights,Madethemslowtodisregardoneanother’srights。
  WithaunanimitydeartopatriotheartsAllthosehairygentlemenoutofforeignpartsSaid:“Thegoodolddaysareback——letusgotowar!”
  SwaggereddowntheGrandTrunkRoadintoBowBazaar,NubbeeBakshPunjabiJatfoundahide-boundflail;
  ChimbuSinghfromBikaneeroiledhisTonkjezail;
  YarMahommedYusufzaispatandgrinnedwithgleeAshegroundthebutcher-knifeoftheKhyberee。
  JowarSinghtheSikhprocuredsabre,quoit,andmace,AbdulHuq,Wahabi,jerkedhisdaggerfromitsplace,Whileamidthejungle-grassdancedandgrinnedandjabberedLittleBohHla-ooandclearedhisdah-bladefromthescabbard。
  WhatbecameofMookerjee?Smoothly,whocansay?
  YarMahommedonlygrinsinanastyway,JowarSinghisreticent,ChimbuSinghismute。
  Butthebeltsofallofthemsimplybulgewithloot。
  WhatbecameofBallard’sguns?AfghansblackandgrubbySellthemfortheirsilverweighttothemenofPubbi;
  Andtheshinybowie-knifeandthetown-madeswordareHanginginaMarricampjustacrosstheBorder。
  WhatbecameofMookerjee?AskMahommedYarProddingSiva’ssacredbulldowntheBowBazaar。
  SpeaktoplacidNubbeeBaksh——questionlandandsea——
  AsktheIndianCongressmen——onlydon’taskme!
  PINKDOMINOES
  Theyarefoolswhokissandtell“——
  Wiselyhasthepoetsung。
  ManmayholdallsortsofpostsIfhe’llonlyholdhistongue。
  JennyandMewereengaged,yousee,OntheeveoftheFancyBall;
  SoakissortwowasnothingtoyouOranyoneelseatall。
  Mennywouldgoinadomino——
  Prettyandpinkbutwarm;
  WhileIattended,cladinasplendidAustrianuniform。
  Nowwehadarranged,throughnotesexchangedEarlythatafternoon,AtNumberFourtowaltznomore,Buttositintheduskandspoon。
  IwithyoutoseethatJennyandMeHadbarelyexchangedourtroth;
  SoakissortwowasstrictlydueBy,from,andbetweenusboth。
  WhenThreewasover,aneagerlover,Ifledtothegloomoutside;
  AndaDominocameoutalsoWhomItookformyfuturebride。
  Thatistosay,inacasualway,Islippedmyarmaroundher;
  Withakissortwowhichisnothingtoyou,AndreadytokissIfoundher。
  SheturnedherheadandthenameshesaidWascertainlynotmyown;
  ButereIcouldspeak,withasmotheredshriekShefledandleftmealone。
  ThenJennycame,andIsawwithshameShe’ddoffedherdomino;
  AndIhadembracedanalienwaist——
  ButIdidnottellherso。
  NextmornIknewthatthereweretwoDominoespink,andoneHadcloakedthespouseofSirJulianVouse,OurbigPoliticalgun。
  SirJwasold,andherhairwasgold,Andhereyewasabluecerulean;
  AndthenameshesaidwhensheturnedherheadWasnotintheleastlike“Julian。”
  THEMANWHOCOULDWRITE
  Shun——shuntheBowl!Thatfatal,faciledrinkHasruinedmanygeesewhodippedtheirquillsin’t;
  Bribe,murder,marry,butsteerclearofInkSavewhenyouwritereceiptsforpaid-upbillsin’t。
  Theremaybesilverinthe“blue-black“——allIknowofistheironandthegall。
  BoanergesBlitzen,servantoftheQueen,Isadismalfailure——isaMight-have-been。
  InalucklessmomenthediscoveredmenRisetohighpositionthroughareadypen。
  BoanergesBlitzenarguedtherefore——“I,Withtheselfsameweapon,canattainashigh。”
  Onlyhedidnotpossesswhenhemadethetrial,WickedwitofC-lv-n,ironyofL——l。
  [MenwhosparwithGovernmentneed,tobacktheirblows,Somethingmorethanordinaryjournalisticprose。]
  NeveryoungCivilian’sprospectsweresobright,TillanIndianpaperfoundthathecouldwrite:
  NeveryoungCivilian’sprospectsweresodark,WhenthewretchedBlitzenwrotetomakehismark。
  Certainlyhescoredit,bold,andblack,andfirm,InthatIndianpaper——madehisseniorssquirm,Quatedofficescandals,wrotethetactlesstruth——
  Wasthereeverknownamoremisguidedyouth?
  WhentheRaghewroteforpraisedhispluckygame,BoanergesBlitzenfeltthatthiswasFame;
  Whenthemenhewroteofshooktheirheadsandswore,BoanergesBlitzenonlywrotethemore:
  PosedasYoungIthuriel,resoluteandgrim,Tillhefoundpromotiondidn’tcometohim;
  Tillhefoundthatreprimandsweeklywerehislot,AndhismanyDistrictscuriouslyhot。
  Tillhefoundhisfurloughstrangelyhardtowin,BoanergesBlitzendidn’tcaretopin:
  Thenitseemedtodawnonhimsomethingwasn’tright——
  BoanergesBlitzenputitdownto“spite“;
  LanguishedinaDistrictdesolateanddry;
  WatchedtheLocalGovernmentyearlypasshimby;
  Wonderedwherethehitchwas;calleditmostunfair。
  *
  Thatwassevenyearsago——andhestillisthere!
  MUNICIPAL
  “WhyismyDistrictdeath-ratelow?”
  SaidBinksofHezabad。
  “Well,drains,andsewage-outfallsare“Myownpeculiarfad。
  “Ilearntalessononce,Itran“Thus。”quoththatmostveraciousman:——
  ItwasanAugusteveningand,insnowygarmentsclad,IpaidaroundofvisitsinthelinesofHezabad;
  When,presently,myWalersaw,anddidnotlikeatall,ACommissariatelephantcareeringdowntheMall。
  Icouldn’tseehedriver,andacrossmyminditrushedThatthatCommissariatelephanthadsuddenlygonemusth。
  Ididn’tcaretomeethim,andIcouldn’twellgetdown,SoIlettheWalerhaveit,andweheadedforthetown。
  Thebuggywasanewoneand,praiseDykes,itstoodthestrain,TillheWalerjumpedabullockjustabovetheCityDrain;
  AndthenextthatIrememberwasahurricaneofsqueals,Andthecreaturemakingtoothpicksofmyfive-footpatentwheels。
  Heseemedtowanttheowner,soIfled,distraughtwithfear,TotheMainDrainsewage-outfallwhilehesnortedinmyear——
  Reachedthefour-footdrain-headsafelyand,indarknessanddespair,Feltthebrute’sproboscisfingeringmyterror-stiffenedhair。
  Heardittrumpetonmyshoulder——triedtocrawlalittlehigher——
  FoundtheMainDrainsewageoutfallblocked,someeightfeetup,withmire;
  And,fortwentyreekingminutes,Sir,myverymarrowfroze,Whilethetrunkwasfeelingblindlyforapurchaseonmytoes!
  Itmissedmebyafraction,butmyhairwasturninggreyBeforetheycalledthedriversupanddraggedthebruteaway。
  ThenIsoughttheCityElders,andmywordswereveryplain。
  Theyflushedthatfour-footdrain-headand——itneverchokedagain!
  Youmayholdwithsurface-drainage,andthesun-for-garbagecure,Tillyou’vebeenaperiwinkleshrinkingcoylyupasewer。
  Ibelieveinwell-flushedculverts。
  Thisiswhythedeath-rate’ssmall;