Infineweatherhegenerallymanagestogetthroughthetimeprettywell;
butonrainydays,ofwhichwehavehadagoodmanyoflate,itisquitepainfultowitnesshisennui。Idoallcantoamusehim,butitisimpossibletogethimtofeelinterestedwhatImostliketotalkabout;while,ontheotherhand,helikestotalkaboutthingsthatcannotinterestme——oreventhatannoyme——andthesepleasehimthemostofall;forhisfavouriteamusementistositorlollbesidemeonthesofaandtellmestoriesofhisformeramours,alwaysturningupontheruinofsomeconfidinggirlorthecozeningofsomeunsuspectinghusband;andwhenIexpressmyhorrorandindignation,helaysitalltothechargeofjealousy,andlaughstillthetearsrundownhischeeks。Iusedtoflyintopassionsormeltintotearsatfirst,butseeingthathisdelightincreasedinproportiontomyangerandagitation,Ihavesinceendeavouredtosuppressmyfeelingsandreceivehisrevelationsinthesilenceofcalmcontempt;butstill,hereadstheinwardstruggleinmyface,andmisconstruesmybitternessofsoulforhisunworthinessintothepangsofwoundedjealousy;andwhenhehassufficientlydivertedhimselfwiththat,orfearsmydispleasurewillbecometooseriousforhiscomfort,betriestokissandsoothemeintosmilesagain——neverwerehiscaressessolittlewelcomeasthen!Thisisdoubleselfishness,displayedtomeandtothevictimsofhisformerlove。Therearetimeswhen,withamomentarypang——aflashofwilddismay,Iaskmyself,`Helen,whathaveyoudone?’ButIrebuketheinwardquestioner,andrepeltheobtrusivethoughtsthatcrowduponme;for,werehetentimesassensualandimpenetrabletogoodandloftythoughts,IwellknowIhaveDorighttocomplain。AndIdon’tandwon’tcomplain。Idoandwilllovehimstill;andIdonotandwillnotregretthatIhavelinkedmyfatewithhis。
April4th——Wehavehadadownrightquarrel。`Theparticularsareasfollows:——Arthurhadtoldme,atdifferentintervals,thewholestoryofhisintriguewithLadyF——,whichIwouldnotbelievebefore。
Itwassomeconsolation,however,tofindthat,inthisinstance,theladyhadbeenmoretoblamethanhe;forhewasveryyoungatthetime,andshehaddecidedlymadethefirstadvances,ifwhathesaidwastrue。I
hatedherforit,foritseemedasifshehadchieflycontributedtohiscorruption,andwhenhewasbeginningtotalkabouthertheotherday,Ibeggedhewouldnotmentionher,forIdetestedtheverysoundofhername,——
`Notbecauseyoulovedher,Arthur,mind,butbecausesheinjuredyou,anddeceivedherhusband,andwasaltogetheraveryabominablewoman,whomyououghttobeashamedtomention。’
Buthedefendedherbysayingthatshehadadotingoldhusband,whomitwasimpossibletolove。
`Thenwhydidshemarryhim?’saidI。
`Forhismoney,’wasthereply。
`Thenthatwasanothercrime,andhersolemnpromisetoloveandhonourhimwasanother,thatonlyincreasedtheenormityofthelast。’
`Youaretoosevereuponthepoorlady,’laughedhe。`Butnevermind,Helen,Idon’tcareforhernow;andIneverlovedanyofthemhalfasmuchasIdoyou;soyouneedn’tfeartobeforsakenlikethem。’
`Ifyouhadtoldmethesethingsbefore,Arthur,Inevershouldhavegivenyouthechance。’
`Wouldn’tyou,mydarling!’
`Mostcertainlynot!’
Helaughedincredulously。
`IwishIcouldconvinceyouofitnow!’criedI,startingupfrombesidehim;andforthefirsttimeinmylife,andIhopethelast,IwishedIhadnotmarriedhim。
`Helen,’saidhe,moregravely,`doyouknowthatifIbelievedyounow,Ishouldbeveryangry?——butthankHeavenIdon’t。Thoughyoustandtherewithyourwhitefaceandflashingeyes,lookingatmelikeaverytigress,Iknowtheheartwithinyou,perhapsatriflebetterthanyouknowityourself。’
Withoutanotherword,Ilefttheroom,andlockedmyselfupinmyownchamber。Inabouthalfanhour,hecametothedoor;andfirsthetriedthehandle,thenheknocked。
`Won’tyouletmein,Helen?’saidhe。
`No;youhavedispleasedme,’Ireplied,`andIdon’twanttoseeyourfaceorhearyourvoiceagaintillthemorning。’
Hepausedamoment,asifdumbfounderedoruncertainhowtoanswersuchaspeech,andthenturnedandwalkedaway。Thiswasonlyanhourafterdinner:Iknewhewouldfinditverydulltositalonealltheevening;
andthisconsiderablysoftenedmyresentment,thoughitdidnotmakemerelent。Iwasdeterminedtoshowhimthatmyheartwasnothisslave,andIcouldlivewithouthimifIchose;andIsatdownandwrotealonglettertomyaunt——ofcoursetellinghernothingofallthis。Soonafterteno’clock,Iheardhimcomeupagain;buthepassedmydoorandwentstraighttohisowndressing-room,whereheshuthimselfinforthefight。
Iwasratheranxioustoseehowhewouldmeetmeinthemorning,andnotalittledisappointedtobeholdhimenterthebreakfast-roomwithacarelesssmile。
`Areyoucrossstill,Helen?’saidhe,approachingasiftosaluteme。Icoldlyturnedtothetable,andbegantopouroutthecoffee,observingthathewasratherlate。
Heutteredalowwhistleandsaunteredawaytothewindow,wherehestoodforsomeminuteslookingoutuponthepleasingprospectofsullen,greyclouds,streamingrain,soakinglawn,anddripping,leaflesstrees——andmutteringexecrationsontheweather,andthensatdowntobreakfast。~etakinghiscoffee,hemuttereditwas`d——dcold。’
`Youshouldnothaveleftitsolong,’saidI。
HemadeDoanswer,andthemealwasconcludedinsilence。Itwasarelieftobothwhentheletter-bagwasbroughtin。Itcontained,uponexamination,anewspaperandoneortwolettersforhim,andacoupleoflettersforme,whichhetossedacrossthetablewithoutaremark。Onewasfrommybrother,theotherfromMilicentHargrave,whoisnowinLondonwithhermother。His,Ithink,werebusinessletters,andapparentlynotmuchtohismind,forhecrushedthemintohispocketwithsomemutteredexpletives,thatIshouldhavereprovedhimforatanyothertime。Thepaper,hesetbeforehim,andpretendedtobedeeplyabsorbedinitscontentsduringtheremainderofbreakfast,andaconsiderabletimeafter。
Thereadingandansweringofmyletters,andthedirectionofhouseholdconcerns,affordedmeampleemploymentforthemorning;afterlunch,Igotmydrawing,andfromdinnertillbedtime,Iread。Meanwhile,poorArthurwassadlyatalossforsomethingtoamusehimortooccupyhistime。HewantedtoappearasbusyandasunconcernedasIdid:hadtheweatheratallpermitted,hewoulddoubtlesshaveorderedhishorseandsetofftosomedistantregion——nomatterwhere——immediatelyafterbreakfast,andnotreturnedtillnight;hadtherebeenaladyanywherewithinreach,ofanyagebetweenfifteenandforty-five,hewouldhavesoughtrevengeandfoundemploymentingettingup——ortryingtogetup——adesperateflirtationwithher;butbeing,tomyprivatesatisfaction,entirelycutofffromboththesesourcesofdiversion,hissufferingsweretrulydeplorable。Benhehaddoneyawningoverhispaperandscribblingshortanswerstohisshorterletters,hespenttheremainderofthemorningandthewholeoftheafternooninfidgetingaboutfromroomtoroom,watchingtheclouds,cursingtherain,alternatelypetting,andteasing,andabusinghisdogs,sometimesloungingonthesofawithabookthathecouldnotforcehimselftoread,andveryoftenfixedlygazingatme,whenhethoughtIdidnotperceiveit,withthevainhopeofdetectingsometracesoftears,orsometokensofremorsefulanguishinmyface。ButImanagedtopreserveanundisturbed,thoughgraveserenitythroughouttheday。Iwasnotreallyangry:Ifeltforhimallthetime,andlongedtobereconciled;butI
determinedheshouldmakethefirstadvances,oratleastshowsomesignsofanhumbleandcontritespirit,first;for,ifIbegan,itwouldonlyministertohisself-conceit,increasehisarrogance,andquitedestroythelessonIwantedtogivehim。
Hemadealongstayinthedining-roomafterdinner,and,Ifear,tookanunusualquantityofwine,butnotenoughtoloosenhistongue;
forwhenhecameinandfoundmequietlyoccupiedwithmybook,toobusytoliftmyheadonhisentrance,hemerelymurmuredanexpressionofsuppresseddisapprobation,and,shuttingthedoorwithabang,wentandstretchedhimselfatfulllengthonthesofa,andcomposedhimselftosleep。Buthisfavouritecocker,Dash,thathadbeenlyingatmyfeet,tookthelibertyofjumpinguponhimandbeginningtolickhisface。Hestruckitoffwithasmartblow;andthepoordogsqueaked,andrancoweringbacktome。denhewokeup,abouthalfanhourafter,hecalledittohimagain;butDashonlylookedsheepishandwaggedthetipofhistail。Hecalledagain,moresharply,butDashonlyclungtheclosertome,andlickedmyhandasifimploringprotection。Enragedatthis,hismastersnatchedupaheavybookandhurleditathishead。Thepoordogsetupapiteousoutcryandrantothedoor。Ilethimout,andthenquietlytookupthebook。
`Givethatbooktome,’saidArthur,inverycourteoustone。I
gaveittohim。’
`Whydidyouletthedogout?’heasked。`YouknewIwantedhim。’
`Bywhattoken?’Ireplied;`byyourthrowingthebookathim?
butperhapsitwasintendedforme?’
`No——butIseeyou’vegotatasteofit,’saidhe,lookingatmyhand,thathadalsobeenstruck,andwasratherseverelygrazed。
Ireturnedtomyreading;andheendeavouredtooccupyhimselfinthesamemanner;but,inalittlewhile,afterseveralportentousyawns,hepronouncedhisbooktobe`cursedtrash,’andthrewitontothetable。Thenfollowedeightortenminutesofsilence,duringthegreaterpartofwhich,Ibelieve,hewasstaringatme。Atlasthispatiencewastiredout。
`Whatisthatbook,Helen?’heexclaimed。
Itoldhim。
`Isitinteresting?’
`Yes,very。’
`Humph!’
Iwentonreading——orpretendingtoread,atleast——Icannotsaytherewasmuchcommunicationbetweenmyeyesandmybrain;for,whiletheformerranoverthepages,thelatterwasearnestlywonderingwhenArthurwouldspeaknext,andwhathewouldsay,andwhatIshouldanswer。ButhedidnotspeakagaintillIrosetomakethetea,andthenitwasonlytosayheshouldnottakeany。Hecontinuedloungingonthesofa。andalternatelyclosinghiseyesandlookingathiswatchandatme,tillbedtime,whenIrose,andtookmycandleandretired。
`Helen!’criedhe,themomentIhadlefttheroom。Iturnedback,andstoodawaitinghiscommands。
`Whatdoyouwant,Arthur?’Isaid,atlength。
`Nothing,’repliedhe。`Go!’
Iwent,buthearinghimmuttersomethingasIwasclosingthedoor,Iturnedagain。Itsoundedverylike`confoundedslut,’butIwasquitewillingitshouldbesomethingelse。
`Wereyouspeaking,Arthur?’Iasked。
`No,’wastheanswer;andIshutthedoomanddeparted。Isawnothingmoreofhimtillthefollowingmorningatbreakfast,whenhecamedownafullhouraftertheusualtime。
`You’reverylate,’wasmymorning’ssalutation。
`Youneedn’thavewaitedforme,’washis;andhewalkeduptothewindowagain。Itwasjustsuchweatherasyesterday。
`Oh,thisconfoundedrain!’hemuttered。Butafterstudiouslyregardingitforaminuteortwo,abrightideaseemedtostrikehim,forhesuddenlyexclaimed,`ButIknowwhatI’lldo!’andthenreturnedandtookhisseatatthetable。Theletter。bagwasalreadythere,waitingtobeopened。Heunlockeditandexaminedthecontents,butsaidnothingaboutthem。
`Is,thereanythingforme?’Iasked。
`No。’Heopenedthenewspaperandbegantoread。
`You’dbettertakeyourcoffee,’suggestedI;`itwillbecoldagain。’
`Youmaygo,’saidhe,`ifyou’vedone。Idon’twantyou。’
Irose,andwithdrewtothenextroom,wonderingifweweretohaveanothersuchmiserabledayasyesterday,andwishingintenselyforanendofthesemutuallyinflictedtorments。Shortlyafter,Iheardhimringthebellandgivesomeordersabouthiswardrobethatsoundedasifhemeditatedalongjourney。Hethensentforthecoachman,andIheardsomethingaboutthecarriageandthehorses,andLondon,andseveno’clockto-morrowmorning,thatstartledanddisturbedmenotalittle。
`ImustnotlethimgotoLondon,whatevercomesofit,’saidItomyself:`hewillrunintoallkindsofmischief,andIshallbethecauseofit。Butthequestionis,howamItoalterhispurpose?——Well,Iwillwaitawhile,andseeifhementionsit。’
Iwaitedmostanxiously,fromhourtohour;butnotawordwasspoken,onthatoranyothersubject,tome。Hewhistled,andtalkedtohisdogs,andwanderedfromroomtoroom,muchthesameasonthepreviousday。AtlastIbegantothinkImustintroducethesubjectmyself,andwasponderinghowtobringitabout,whenJohnunwittinglycametomyreliefwiththefollowingmessagefromthecoachman:——
`Please,sir,Richardsaveoneofthehorseshasgotaverybadcold,andhethinks,sir,ifyoucouldmakeitconvenienttogothedayafterto-morrow,insteadofto-morrow,hecouldphysicittodaysoas——’
`Confoundhisimpudence!’interjectedthemaster。
`Please,sir,hesaysitwouldbeadealbetterifyoucould,’
persistedJohn,`forhehopesthere’llbeachangeintheweathershortly,andhesaysit’snotlikely,whenahorseissobadwithacold,andphysickedandall——’