Butthenitisabittertrialtobeholdhim,onhisreturn,doinghisutmosttosubvertmylaboursandtransformmyinnocent,affectionate,tractabledarlingintoaselfish,disobedient,andmischievousboy;therebypreparingthesoilforthoseviceshehassosuccessfullycultivatedinhisownpervertednature。
Happily,therewerenoneofArthur’s`friends’invitedtoGrassdalelastautumn:hetookhimselfofftovisitsomeoftheminstead。Iwishhewouldalwaysdoso,andIwishhisfriendswerenumerousandlovingenoughtokeephimamongstthemalltheyearround。Mr。Hargrave,considerablytomyannoyance,didnotgowithhim;butIthinkIhavedonewiththatgentlemanatlast。
Forsevenoreightmonths,hebehavedsoremarkablywell,andmanagedsoskilfullytoo,thatIwasalmostcompletelyoffmyguard,andwasreallybeginningtolookuponhimasafriend,andeventotreathimassuch,withcertainprudentrestrictionswhichIdeemedscarcelynecessary;
when,presuminguponmyunsuspectingkindness,hethoughthemightventuretooversteptheboundsofdecentmoderationandproprietythathadsolongretainedhim。ItwasonapleasanteveningatthecloseofMay:Iwaswanderinginthepark,andhe,onseeingmethereasherodepast,madeboldtoenterandapproachme,dismountingandleavinghishorseatthegate。ThiswasthefirsttimehehadventuredtocomewithinitsinclosuresinceIhadbeenleftalone,withoutthesanctionofhismother’sorsister’scompany,oratleasttheexcuseofamessagefromthem。Buthemanagedtoappearsocalmandeasy,sorespectfulandself-possessedinhisfriendliness,that,thoughalittlesurprised,Iwasneitheralarmednoroffendedattheunusualliberty,andhewalkedwithmeundertheashtreesandbythewater-side,andtalked,withconsiderableanimation,goodtaste,andintelligence,onmanysubjects,beforeIbegantothinkaboutgettingridofhim。Then,afterapause,duringwhichwebothstoodgazingonthecalm,bluewater;
Irevolvinginmymindthebestmeansofpolitelydismissingmycompanion,he,nodoubt,ponderingothermattersequallyalientothesweetsightsandsoundsthatalonewerepresenttohissenses,——hesuddenlyelectrifiedmebybeginning,inapeculiartone,low,soft,butperfectlydistinct,topourforththemostunequivocalexpressionsofearnestandpassionatelove;pleadinghiscausewithalltheboldyetartfuleloquencehecouldsummontohisaid。ButIcutshorthisappeal,andrepulsedhimsodeterminately,sodecidedly,andwithsuchamixtureofscornfulindignationtemperedwithcool,dispassionatesorrowandpityforhisbenightedmind,thathewithdrew,astonished,mortified,anddiscomforted;and,afewdaysafter,IheardthathehaddepartedforLondon。Hereturnedhoweverineightornineweeks——anddidnotentirelykeepalooffromme,butcomportedhimselfinsoremarkableamannerthathisquick-sightedsistercouldnotfailtonoticethechange。
`WhathaveyoudonetoWalter,Mrs。Huntingdon?’saidsheonemorning,whenIhadcalledattheGrove,andhehadjustlefttheroomafterexchangingafewwordsofthecoldestcivility。`Hehasbeensoextremelyceremoniousandstatelyoflate,Ican’timaginewhatitisallabout,unlessyouhavedesperatelyoffendedhim。Tellmewhatitis,thatImaybeyourmediator,andmakeyoufriendsagain。’
`Ihavedonenothingwillinglytooffendhim,’saidI。`Ifheisoffended,hecanbesttellyouhimselfwhatitisabout。’
`I’llaskhim,’criedthegiddygirl,springingupandputtingherheadoutofthewindow;`he’sonlyinthegarden——Walter!’
`No,no,Esther!youwillseriouslydispleasemeifyoudo;andIshallleaveyouimmediately,andnotcomeagainformonths——perhapsyears。
`Didyoucall,Esther?’saidherbrother,approachingthewindowfromwithout。
`Yes;Iwantedtoaskyou——’
`Goodmorning,Esther,’saidI,takingherhandandgivingitaseveresqueeze。
`Toaskyou,’continuedshe,`togetmearoseforMrs。Huntingdon。’
Hedeparted。`Mrs。Huntingdon,’sheexclaimed,turningtomeandstillholdingmefastbythehand,`I’mquiteshockedatyou——you’rejustasangry,anddistant,andcoldasheis:andI’mdeterminedyoushallbeasgoodfriendsasever,beforeyougo。
`Esther,howcanyoubesorude!’criedMrs。Hargrave,whowasseatedgravelyknittinginhereasychair。`Surely,youneverwilllearntoconductyourselflikealady!’
`Wellmamma,yousaid,yourself——’Buttheyoungladywassilencedbytheupliftedfingerofhermamma,accompaniedwithaverysternshakeofthehead。
`Isn’tshecross?’whisperedshetome;but,beforeIcouldaddmyshareofreproof,Mr。Hargravereappearedatthewindowwithabeautifulmossroseinhishand。
`Here,Esther,I’vebroughtyoutherose,’saidhe,extendingittowardsher。
`Giveitheryourself,youblockhead!’criedshe,recoilingwithaspringfrombetweenus。
`Mrs。Huntingdonwouldratherreceiveitfromyou,’repliedheinaveryserioustone,butloweringhisvoicethathismothermightnothear。Hissistertooktheroseandgaveittome。
`Mybrother’scompliments,Mrs。Huntingdon,andhehopesyouandhewillcometoabetterunderstandingbyandby——Willthatdo,Walter?’
addedthesaucygirl,turningtohimandputtingherarmroundhisneck,ashestoodleaninguponthesillofthewindow——’orshouldIhavesaidthatyouaresorryyouweresotouchy?orthatyouhopeshewillpardonyouroffence?’
`Yousillygirl!youdon’tknowwhatyouaretalkingabout,’repliedhegravely。
`IndeedIdon’t;forI’mquiteinthedark。’
`NowEsther,’interposedMrs。Hargrave,who,ifequallybenightedonthesubjectofourestrangement,sawatleastthatherdaughterwasbehavingveryimproperly,`Imustinsistuponyourleavingtheroom!’
`Praydon’t,Mrs。Hargrave,forI’mgoingtoleaveitmyself,’
saidI,andimmediatelymademyadieux。
Aboutaweekafter,Mr。Hargravebroughthissistertoseeme。
Heconductedhimself,atfirst,withhisusualcold,distant,half-stately,half-melancholy,altogetherinjuredair;butEsthermadenoremarkuponitthistime;shehadevidentlybeenschooledintobettermanners。Shetalkedtome,andlaughedandrompedwithlittleArthur,herlovedandlovingplaymate。He,somewhattomydiscomfort,enticedherfromtheroomtohavearuninthehall;and,thence,intothegarden。Igotuptostirthefire。Mr。HargraveaskedifIfeltcold,andshutthedoorsveryunseasonablepieceofofficiousness,forIhadmeditatedfollowingthenoisyplayfellows,iftheydidnotspeedilyreturn。Hethentookthelibertyofwalkinguptothefirehimself,andaskingmeifIwereawarethatMr。HuntingdonwasnowattheseatofLordLowborough,andlikelytocontinuetheresometime。
`No;butit’snomatter,’Iansweredcarelessly;andifmycheekglowedlikefire,itwasratheratthequestionthantheinformationitconveyed。
`Youdon’tobjecttoit?’hesaid。
`Notatall,ifLordLowboroughlikeshiscompany。’
`Youhavenoloveleftforhim,then?’
`Nottheleast。’
`Iknewthat——knewyouweretoohigh-mindedandpureinyourownnaturetocontinuetoregardonesoutterlyfalseandpolluted,withanyfeelingsbutthoseofindignationandscornfulabhorrence!’
`Ishenotyourfriend?’saidI,turningmyeyesfromthefiretohisface,withperhapsaslighttouchofthosefeelingsheassignedtoanother。
`Hewas,’repliedhe,withthesamecalmgravityasbefore,`butdonotwrongmebysupposingthatIcouldcontinuemyfriendshipandesteemtoamanwhocouldsoinfamously——soimpiouslyforsakeandinjureonesotranscendently——well,Iwon’tspeakofit。Buttellme,doyouneverthinkofrevenge?’
`Revenge!No——whatgoodwouldthatdo?——itwouldmakehimnobetter,andmenohappier。’
`Idon’tknowhowtotalktoyou,Mrs。Huntingdon,’saidhesmiling;
`youareonlyhalfawoman——yournaturemustbehalfhuman,halfangelic。
Suchgoodnessoverawesme;Idon’tknowwhattomakeofit。’
`Thensir,Ifearyoumustbeverymuchworsethanyoushouldbe,ifI,amereordinarymortal,ambyyourownconfession,sovastlyyoursuperior;——andsincethereexistssolittlesympathybetweenus,I
thinkwehadbettereachlookoutforsomemorecongenialcompanion。’Andforthwithmovingtothewindow,Ibegantolookoutformylittlesonandhisgayyoungfriend。
`No,Iamtheordinarymortal,Imaintain,’repliedMr。Hargrave。
Iwillnotallowmyselftobeworsethanmyfellows;butyouMadam——Iequallymaintainthereisnobodylikeyou。Butareyouhappy?’heaskedinaserioustone。
`Ashappyassomeothers,Isuppose。’
`Areyouashappyasyoudesiretobe?’
`Nooneissoblestasthatcomesto,onthissideeternity。’
`OnethingIknow,’returnedhe,withadeep,sadsigh;`youareimmeasurablyhappierthanIam。’
`Iamverysorryforyou,then,’Icouldnothelpreplying。
`Areyouindeed?——No——forifyouwere,youwouldbegladtorelieveme。’
`AndsoIshould,ifIcoulddoso,withoutinjuringmyselforanyother。’
`AndcanyousupposethatIshouldwishyoutoinjureyourself?——No;
onthecontrary,itisyourownhappinessIlongformorethanmine。Youaremiserablenow,Mrs。Huntingdon,’continuedhe,lookingmeboldlyintheface。`Youdonotcomplain,butIsendfeel——andknowthatyouaremiserableandmustremainso,aslongasyoukeepthosewallsofimpenetrableiceaboutyourstillwarmandpalpitatingheart;——andIammiserabletoo。
Deigntosmileonme,andIamhappy:trustme,andyoushallbehappyalso,forifyouareawoman,IcanmakeyousoundIwilldoitinspiteofyourself!’hemutteredbetweenhisteeth,`andasforothers,thequestionisbetweenourselvesalone:youcannotinjureyourhusband,youknow;andnooneelsehasanyconcerninthematter。’
`Ihaveason,Mr。Hargrave,andyouhaveamother,’saidI,retiringfromthewindow,whitherhehadfollowedme。
`Theyneednotknow,’hebegan,butbeforeanythingmorecouldbesaidoneitherside,EstherandArthurre-enteredtheroom。TheformerglancedatWalter’sflushed,excitedcountenance,andthenatminedlittleflushedandexcitedtoo,Idaresay,thoughfromfardifferentcauses。
Shemusthavethoughtwehadbeenquarrellingdesperately,andwasevidentlyperplexedanddisturbedatthecircumstance;butshewastoopolite,ortoomuchafraidofherbrother’sangertorefertoit。Sheseatedherselfonthesofa,andputtingbackherbright,goldenringlets,thatWerescatteredinwildprofusionoverherface,sheimmediatelybegantotalkaboutthegardenandherlittleplayfellow,andcontinuedtochatterawayinherusualstraintillherbrothersummonedhertodepart。
`IfIhavespokentoowarmly,forgiveme,’hemurmuredontakinghisleave,`orIshallneverforgivemyself。’
Esthersmiledandglancedatme:Imerelybowed,andhercountenancefell。ShethoughtitapoorreturnforWalter’sgenerousconcession,andwasdisappointedinherfriend。Poorchild,shelittleknowstheworldshelivesin!
Mr。Hargravehadnotanopportunityofmeetingmeagaininprivateforseveralweeksafterthis;butwhenhedidmeetme,therewaslessofprideandmoreoftouchingmelancholyinhismannerthanbefore。Oh,howheannoyedme!Iwasobliged,atlastalmostentirelytoremitmyvisitstotheGrove,attheexpenseofdeeplyoffendingMrs。HargraveandseriouslyafflictingpoorEsther,whoreallyvaluesmysociety——forwantofbetter,andwhooughtnottosufferforthefaultofherbrother。Butthatindefatigablefoewasnotyetvanquished:`heseemedtobealwaysonthewatch。Ifrequentlysawhimridinglingeringlypastthepremises,lookingsearchinglyroundhimashewent——orifIdidnot,Racheldid。Thatsharp-sightedwomansoonguessedhowmattersstoodbetweenus,anddescryingtheenemy’smovementsfromherelevationatthenurserywindow,shewouldgivemeaquietintimation,ifshesawmepreparingforawalkwhenshehadreasontobelievehewasabout,ortothinkitlikelythathewouldmeetorovertakemeinthewayImeanttotraverse。Iwouldthendefermyramble,orconfinemyselfforthatdaytotheparkandgardens——oriftheproposedexcursionwasamatterofimportance,suchasavisittothesickorafflicted,IwouldtakeRachelwithme,andthenIwasnevermolested。
Butonemild,sunshinyday,earlyinNovember,Ihadventuredforthalone,tovisitthevillageschoolandafewofthepoortenants,andonmyreturn,Iwasalarmedattheclatterofahorse’sfeetbehindmeapproachingatarapid,steadytrot。Therewasnostileorgapathand,bywhichIcouldescapeintothefields:soIwalkedquietlyon,sayingtomyself