Howwidelydifferenthadbeenmyfeelingsinpaintingthatportraittowhattheynowwereinlookinguponit！HowIhadstudiedandtoiledtoproducesomething，asIthought，worthyoftheoriginal！whatmingledpleasureanddissatisfactionIhadhadintheresultofmylabours！——pleasureforthelikenessIhadcaught；dissatisfaction，becauseIhadnotmadeithandsomeenough。Now，Iseenobeautyinit——nothingpleasinginanypartofitsexpression；andyetitisfarhandsomerandfarmoreagreeable——farlessrepulsiveIshouldrathersay——thanheisnow；forthesesixyearshavewroughtalmostasgreatachangeuponhimselfasonmyfeelingsregardinghim。Theframe，however，ishandsomeenough；itwillserveforanotherpainting。ThepictureitselfIhavenotdestroyed，asIhadfirstintended；
　　Ihaveputitaside；not，Ithink，fromanylurkingtendernessforthememoryofpastaffection，noryettoremindmeofmyformerfolly，butchieflythatImaycomparemyson’sfeaturesandcountenancewiththis，ashegrowsup，andthusbeenabledtojudgehowmuchorhowlittleheresembleshisfather——ifImaybeallowedtokeephimwithmestill，andnevertobeholdthatfather’sfaceagain——blessingIhardlydarereckonupon。
　　ItseemsMr。Huntingdonismakingeveryexertiontodiscovertheplaceofmyretreat。HehasbeeninpersontoStaningley，seekingredressforhisgrievances——expectingtohearofhisvictims，ifnottofindthemthere——andhastoldsomanylies，andwithsuchunblushingcoolness，thatmyunclemorethanhalfbelieveshim，andstronglyadvocatesmygoingbacktohimandbeingfriendsagain；butmyauntknowsbetter：sheistoocoolandcautious，andtoowellacquaintedwithbothmyhusband’scharacterandmyowntobeimposeduponbyanyspeciousfalsehoodstheformercouldinvent。Buthedoesnotwantmeback；hewantsmychild；andgivesmyfriendstounderstandthatifIpreferlivingapartfromhim，hewillindulgethewhimandletmedosounmolested，andevensettleareasonableallowanceonme，providedIwillimmediatelydeliveruphisson。But，Heavenhelpme！Iamnotgoingtosellmychildforgold，thoughitweretosavebothhimandmefromstarving：itwouldbebetterthatheshoulddiewithme，thanthatheshouldlivewithhisfather。
　　Frederickshowedmealetterhehadreceivedfromthatgentleman，fullofcoolimpudencesuchaswouldastonishanyonewhodidnotknowhim，butsuchas，Iamconvinced，nonewouldknowbetterhowtoanswerthanmybrother。Hegavemenoaccountofhisreply，excepttotellmethathehadnotacknowledgedhisacquaintancewithmyplaceofrefuge，butratherleftittobeinferredthatitwasquiteunknowntohim，bysayingitwasuselesstoapplytohimoranyotherofmyrelationsforinformationonthesubject，asitappearedIhadbeendriventosuchextremitythatIhadconcealedmyretreatevenfrommybestfriends；butthatifhehadknownit，orshouldatanytimebemadeawareofit，mostcertainlyMr。Huntingdonwouldbethelastpersontowhomheshouldcommunicatetheintelligence；and’thatheneednottroublehimselftobargainforthechild，forheFrederickfanciedheknewenoughofhissistertoenablehimtodeclare，thatwherevershemightbe，orhoweversituated，noconsiderationwouldinducehertodeliverhimup。
　　30th——Alas！mykindneighbourswillnotletmealone。Bysomemeanstheyhaveferretedmeout，andIhavehadtosustainvisitsfromthreedifferentfamilies，allmoreorlessbentupondiscoveringwhoandwhatIam；whenceIcame，andwhyIhavechosensuchahomeasthis。Theirsocietyisunnecessarytome，tosaytheleast，andtheircuriosityannoysandalarmsme：ifIgratifyit，itmayleadtotheruinofmyson，andifIamtoomysterious，itwillonlyexcitetheirsuspicions，inviteconjecture，androusethemtogreaterexertions——andperhapsbethemeansofspreadingmyfamefromparishtoparish，tillitreachtheearsofsomeonewhowillcarryittothelordofGrassdaleManor。
　　Ishallbeexpectedtoreturntheircalls，butif，uponenquiry，IfindthatanyofthemlivetoofarawayforArthurtoaccompanyme，theymustexpectinvainforawhile，forIcannotbeartoleavehim，unlessitbetogotochurch；andIhavenotattemptedthatyet，for——itmaybefoolishweakness，butIamundersuchconstantdreadofhisbeingsnatchedawaythatIamnevereasywhenheisnotbymyside；andIfearthesenervousterrorswouldsoentirelydisturbmydevotions，thatIshouldobtainnobenefitfromtheattendance。Imean，however，tomaketheexperimentnextSunday，andobligemyselftoleavehiminchargeofRachelforafewhours。Itwillbeahardtask，butsurelynoimprudence；andthevicarhasbeentoscoldmeformyneglectoftheordinancesofreligion。Ihadnosufficientexcusetooffer，andIpromised，ifallwerewell，heshouldseemeinmypewnextSunday；forIdonotwishtobesetdownasaninfidel；
　　andbesides，IknowIshouldderivegreatcomfortandbenefitfromanoccasionalattendanceatpublicworship，ifIcouldonlyhavefaithandfortitudetocomposemythoughtsinconformitywiththesolemnoccasion，andforbidthemtobeforeverdwellingonmyabsentchild，andonthedreadfulpossibilityoffindinghimgonewhenIreturn；andsurelyGodinHismercywillpreservemefromsosevereatrial：formychild’sownsake，ifnotformine，Hewillnotsufferhimtobetornaway。
　　November3rd——Ihavemadesomefurtheracquaintancewithmyneighbours。
　　Thefinegentlemanandbeauoftheparishanditsvicinityinhisownestimation，atleastisayoung……
　　Hereitended。Therestwastornaway。Howcruel——justwhenshewasgoingtomentionme！forIcouldnotdoubtitwasyourhumbleservantshewasabouttomention，thoughnotveryfavourablyofcourse——Icouldtellthat，aswellbythosefewwordsasbytherecollectionofherwholeaspectanddemeanourtowardsmeinthecommencementofouracquaintance。
　　Well！Icouldreadilyforgiveherprejudiceagainstme，andherhardthoughtsofoursexingeneral，whenIsawtowhatbrilliantspecimensherexperiencehadbeenlimited。
　　Respectingme，however，shehadlongsinceseenhererror，andperhapsfallenintoanotherintheoppositeextreme；forif，atfirst，heropinionofmehadbeenlowerthanIdeservedIwasconvincedthatnowmydesertswerelowerthanheropinion；andiftheformerpartofthiscontinuationhadbeentornawaytoavoidwoundingmyfeelings，perhapsthelatterportionhadbeenremovedforfearofministeringtoomuchtomyself-conceit。Atanyrate，Iwouldhavegivenmuchtohaveseenitall——tohavewitnessedthegradualchange，andwatchedtheprogressofheresteemandfriendshipforme，——andwhateverwarmerfeelingshemighthavetohaveseenhowmuchoflovetherewasinherregard，andhowithadgrownuponherinspiteofhervirtuousresolutionsandstrenuousexertionsto——butno，Ihadnorighttoseeit：allthiswastoosacredforanyeyesbutherown，andshehaddonewelltokeepitfromme。
　　TheTenantofWildfellHall：Chapter45CHAPTERXLVRECONCILIATIONWellHalford，whatdoyouthinkofallthis？andwhileyoureadit，didyoueverpicturetoyourselfwhatmyfeelingswouldprobablybeduringitsperusal？Mostlikelynot；butIamnotgoingtodescantuponthemnow：
　　Iwillonlymakethisacknowledgement，littlehonourableasitmaybetohumannature，andespeciallytomyself——thattheformerhalfofthenarrativewas，tome，morepainfulthanthelatter；notthatIwasatallinsensibletoMrs。Huntingdon’swrongsorunmovedbyhersufferings，but，Imustconfess，Ifeltakindofselfishgratificationinwatchingherhusband’sgradualdeclineinhergoodgraces，andseeinghowcompletelyheextinguishedallheraffectionatlast。Theeffectofthewhole，however，inspiteofallmysympathyforherandmyfuryagainsthim，wastorelievemymindofanintolerableburdenandfillmyheartwithjoy，asifsomefriendhadrousedmefromadreadfulnight-mare。
　　Itwasnowneareighto’clockinthemorning，formycandlehadexpiredinthemidstofmyperusal，leavingmenoalternativebuttogetanother，attheexpenseofalarmingthehouse，ortogotobedandwaitthereturnofdaylight。Onmymother’saccount，Ichosethelatter；buthowwillinglyIsoughtmypillow，andhowmuchsleepitbroughtme，Ileaveyoutoimagine。
　　AtthefirstappearanceofdawnIrose，andbroughtthemanuscripttothewindow，butitwasimpossibletoreadityet。Idevotedhalfanhourtodressing，andthenreturnedtoitagain。Now，withalittledifficulty，Icouldmanage；andwithintenseandeagerinterest，Idevouredtheremainderofitscontents。Whenitwasended，andmytransientregretatitsabruptconclusionwasover，Iopenedthewindowandputoutmyheadtocatchthecoolingbreeze，andimbibedeepdraughtsofthepuremorningair。Asplendidmorningitwas；thehalf-frozendewlaythickonthegrass，theswallowsweretwitteringroundme，therookscawingandcowslowinginthedistance；
　　andearlyfrostandsummersunshinemingledtheirsweetnessintheair。
　　ButIdidnotthinkofthat：aconfusionofcountlessthoughtsandvariedemotionscrowdeduponmewhileIgazedabstractedlyonthelovelyfaceofnature。Soon，however，thischaosofthoughtsandpassionsclearedaway，givingplacetotwodistinctemotions：joyunspeakablethatmyadoredHelenwasallIwishedtothinkher——thatthroughthenoisomevapoursoftheworld’saspersionsandmyownfanciedconvictions，hercharactershonebright，andclear，andstainlessasthatsunIcouldnotbeartolookon；
　　andshameanddeepremorseformyownconduct。
　　Immediatelyafterbreakfast，IhurriedovertoWildfellHall。
　　Rachelhadrisenmanydegreesinmyestimationsinceyesterday。Iwasreadytogreetherquiteasanoldfriend；buteverykindlyimpulsewascheckedbythelookofcolddistrustshecastuponmeonopeningthedoor。Theoldvirginhadconstitutedherselftheguardianofherlady’shonour，I
　　suppose，anddoubtlessshesawinmeanotherMr。Hargrave，onlythemoredangerousinbeingmoreesteemedandtrustedbyhermistress。
　　`Missiscan’tseeanyoneto-day，sir——he’spoorly，’saidsheinanswertomyenquiryforMrs。Graham。
　　`ButImustseeher，Rachel，’saidI，placingmyhandonthedoortopreventitsbeingshutagainstme。
　　`Indeed，sir，youcan’t，’repliedshe，settlinghercountenanceinstillmoreironfrigiditythanbefore。
　　`Besogoodastoannounceme。’
　　`It’snomannerofuse，Mr。Markham；she’spoorly，Itellyou。
　　Justintimetopreventmefromcommittingtheimproprietyoftakingthecitadelbystorm，andpushingforwardunannounced，aninnerdooropened，andlittleArthurappearedwithhisfrolicsomeplayfellowthedog。Heseizedmyhandbetweenbothhis，andsmilinglydrewmeforward。
　　`Mammasaysyou’retocomein，Mr。Markham，’saidhe，andI’mtogooutandplaywithRover。’
　　Rachelretiredwithasigh，andIsteppedintotheparlourandshutthedoor。There，beforethefire-place，stoodthetall，gracefulfigurewastedwithmanysorrows。Icastthemanuscriptonthetable，andlookedinherface。Anxiousandpale，itwasturnedtowardsme；herclear，darkeyeswerefixedonminewithagazesointenselyearnestthattheyboundmelikeaspell。
　　`Haveyoulookeditover？’shemurmured。Thespellwasbroken。
　　`I’vereaditthrough，’saidI，advancingintotheroom，——`andIwanttoknowifyou’llforgiveme——ifyoucanforgiveme？’
　　Shedidnotanswer，buthereyesglistened，andafaintredmantledonherlipandcheek。AsIapproached，sheabruptlyturnedaway，andwenttothewindow。Itwasnotinanger，Iwaswellassured，butonlytoconcealorcontrolheremotion。Ithereforeventuredtofollowandstandbesideherthere，——butnottospeak。Shegavemeherhand，withoutturningherhead，andmurmured，inavoiceshestroveinvaintosteady，——
　　`Canyouforgiveme？’
　　Itmightbedeemedabreachoftrust，Ithought，toconveythatlilyhandtomylips，soIonlygentlypresseditbetweenmyown，andsmilinglyreplied，——
　　`Ihardlycan。Youshouldhavetoldmethisbefore。Itshowsawantofconfidence’
　　`Oh，no，’criedshe，eagerlyinterruptingme，`itwasnotthat！
　　Itwasnowantofconfidenceinyou；butifIhadtoldyouanythingofmyhistory，Imusthavetoldyouall，inordertoexcusemyconduct；andImightwellshrinkfromsuchadisclosure，tillnecessityobligedmetomakeit。Butyouforgiveme？——Ihavedonevery，verywrong，Iknow；but，asusual，Ihavereapedthebitterfruitsofmyownerror，——andmustreapthemtotheend。’
　　Bitterindeed，wasthetoneofanguish，repressedbyresolutefirmness，inwhichthiswasspoken。Now，Iraisedherhandtomylips，andferventlykisseditagainandagain；fortearspreventedanyotherreply。Shesufferedthesewildcaresseswithoutresistanceorresentment；
　　then，suddenlyturningfromme，shepacedtwiceorthricethroughtheroom。
　　Iknewbythecontractionofherbrow，thetightcompressionofherlips，andwringingofherhands，thatmeantimeaviolentconflictbetweenreasonandpassion，wassilentlypassingwithin。Atlengthshepausedbeforetheemptyfire-place，andturningtome，saidcalmly——ifthatmightbecalledcalmness，whichwassoevidentlytheresultofaviolenteffort——
　　`NowGilbert，youmustleaveme——notthismoment，butsoon——andyoumustnevercomeagain。’