`Neveragain,Helen?justwhenIloveyoumorethanever!’
`Forthatveryreason,ifitbeso,weshouldnotmeetagain。
Ithoughtthisinterviewwasnecessary——atleast,Ipersuadedmyselfitwasso——thatwemightseverallyaskandreceiveeachother’spardonforthepast;buttherecanbenoexcuseforanother。Ishallleavethisplace,assoonasIhavemeanstoseekanotherasylum;butourintercoursemustendhere。’
`Endhere!’echoedI;andapproachingthehigh,carvedchimney-piece,Ileantmyhandagainstitsheavymouldings,anddroppedmyforeheaduponitinsilent,sullendespondency。
`Youmustnotcomeagain,’continuedshe。Therewasaslighttremorinhervoice,butIthoughtherwholemannerwasprovokinglycomposed,consideringthedreadfulsentenceshepronounced。`YoumustknowwhyI
tellyouso,’sheresumed;`andyoumustseethatitisbettertopartatonce:——ifitbehardtosayadieuforever,yououghttohelpme。’Shepaused。Ididnotanswer。`Willyoupromisenottocome?——Ifyouwon’t,andifyoudocomehereagain,youwilldrivemeawaybeforeIknowwheretofindanotherplaceofrefuge——orhowtoseekit。’
`Helen,’saidI,turningimpatientlytowardsher,`Icannotdiscussthematterofeternalseparation,calmlyanddispassionatelyasyoucando。Itisnoquestionofmereexpediencewithme;itisaquestionoflifeanddeath!’
Shewassilent。Herpalelipsquivered,andherfingerstrembledwithagitation,asshenervouslyentwinedtheminthehairchaintowhichwasappendedhersmallgoldwatch——theonlythingofvalueshehadpermittedherselftokeep。Ihadsaidanunjustandcruelthing;butImustneedsfollowitupwithsomethingworse。
`ButHelen!’Ibeganinasoft,lowtone,notdaringtoraisemyeyestoherface——`thatmanisnotyourhusband:inthesightofHeavenhehasforfeitedallclaimto——’Sheseizedmyarmwithagraspofstartlingenergy。
`Gilbert,don’t!’shecried,inatonethatwouldhavepiercedaheartofadamant。`ForGod’ssake,don’tyouattemptthesearguments!Nofiendcouldtorturemelikethis!’
`Iwon’t,Iwon’t!’saidI,gentlylayingmyhandonhers;almostasmuchalarmedathervehemence,asashamedofmyownmisconduct。
`Insteadofactinglikeatruefriend,’continuedshe,breakingfrommeandthrowingherselfintotheoldarmchair——`andhelpingmewithallyourmight——orrathertakingyourownpartinthestruggleofrightagainstpassion——youleavealltheburdentome;——andnotsatisfiedwiththat,youdoyourutmosttofightagainstme——whenyouknowthatI——’
Shepaused,andhidherfaceinherhandkerchief。
`Forgiveme,Helen!’pleadedI,`Iwillneverutteranotherwordonthesubject。Butmaywenotstillmeetasfriends?’
`Itwillnotdo,’shereplied,mournfullyshakingherhead;andthensheraisedhereyestomine,withamildlyreproachfullookthatseemedtosay,`YoumustknowthataswellasI。’
`Thenwhatmustwedo?’criedI,passionately。ButimmediatelyIaddedinaquietertone——`I’lldowhateveryoudesire;——onlydon’tsaythatthismeetingistobeourlast。’
`Andwhynot?Don’tyouknowthateverytimewemeet,thethoughtsofthefinalpartingwillbecomemorepainful?Don’tyoufeelthateveryinterviewmakesusdearertoeachotherthanthelast?’
Theutteranceofthislastquestionwashurriedandlow,andthedowncasteyesandburningblushtooplainlyshowedthatshe,atleast,hadfeltit。Itwasscarcelyprudenttomakesuchanadmission,ortoaddsshepresentlydid——`Ihavepowertobidyougo,now:anothertimeitmightbedifferent,’——butIwasnotbaseenoughtoattempttotakeadvantageofhercandour。
`Butwemaywrite,’Itimidlysuggested——`Youwillnotdenymethatconsolation?’
`Wecanhearofeachotherthroughmybrother。’
`Yourbrother!’Apangofremorseandshameshotthroughme。Shehadnotheardoftheinjuryhehadsustainedatmyhands;andIhadnotthecouragetotellher。`Yourbrotherwillnothelpus,’Isaid:`hewouldhaveallcommunionbetweenustobeentirelyatanend。’
`Andhewouldberight,Isuppose。Asafriendofboth,hewouldwishusbothwell;andeveryfriendwouldtellusitwasourinterest,aswellasourduty,toforgeteachother,thoughwemightnotseeitourselves。
Butdon’tbeafraid,Gilbert,’sheadded,smilingsadlyatmymanifestdiscomposure,`thereislittlechanceofmyforgettingyou。ButIdidnotmeanthatFrederickshouldbethemeansoftransmittingmessagesbetweenus,onlythateachmightknow,throughhim,oftheother’swelfare;——andmorethanthisoughtnottobe;foryouareyoung,Gilbert,andyououghttomarry——andwillsometime,thoughyoumaythinkitimpossiblenow:——andthoughIhardlycansayIwishyoutoforgetme,Iknowitisrightthatyoushould,bothforyourownhappinessandthatofyourfuturewife;——andthereforeImustandwillwishit,’sheaddedresolutely。
`Andyouareyoungtoo,Helen,’Iboldlyreplied,`andwhenthatprofligatescoundrelhasrunthroughhiscareer,youwillgiveyourhandtome——I’llwaittillthen。’
Butshewouldnotleavemethissupport。Independentlyofthemoralevilofbasingourhopesuponthedeathofanother,who,ifunfitforthisworld,wasatleastnolesssoforthenext,andwhoseameliorationwouldthusbecomeourbaneandhisgreatesttransgressionourgreatestbenefit,——shemaintainedittobemadness:manymenofMr。Huntingdon’shabitshadlivedtoaripethoughmiserableoldage;——`andifI,’saidshe,`amyounginyearsIamoldinsorrow;buteveniftroubleshouldfailtokillmebeforevicedestroyshim,think,ifhereachedbutfiftyyearsorso,wouldyouwaittwentyorfifteen——invagueuncertaintyandsuspense——throughalltheprimeofyouthandmanhood——andmarryatlastawomanfadedandwornasIshallbe——withouteverhavingseenmefromthisdaytothat?——Youwouldnot,’shecontinued,interruptingmyearnestprotestationsofunfailingconstancy,——`orifyouwouldyoushouldnot。
Trustme,Gilbert;inthismatterIknowbetterthanyou。Youthinkmecoldandstonyhearted,andyoumay,but——’
`Idon’tHelen。’
`Well,nevermind;youmightifyouwould——butIhavenotspentmysolitudeinutteridleness,andIamnotspeakingnowfromtheimpulseofthemomentasyoudo:Ihavethoughtofallthesemattersagainandagain;Ihavearguedthesequestionswithmyself,andponderedwellourpast,andpresent,andfuturecareer;and,believeme,Ihavecometotherightconclusionatlast。Trustmywordsratherthanyourownfeelings,now,andinafewyearsyouwillseethatIwasright——thoughatpresentIhardlycanseeitmyself,’shemurmuredwithasighassherestedherheadonherhand——`Anddon’targueagainstmeanymore:allyoucansayhasbeenalreadysaidbymyownheartandrefutedbymyreason。Itwashardenoughtocombatthosesuggestionsastheywerewhisperedwithinme;
inyourmouththeyaretentimesworse,andifyouknewhowmuchtheypainmeyouwouldceaseatonce,Iknow。Ifyouknewmypresentfeelings,youwouldeventrytorelievethemattheexpenseofyourown。
`Iwillgoonaminute,ifthatcanrelieveyou——andNEVER
return!’saidIwithbitteremphasis——`But,ifwemaynevermeet,andneverhopetomeetagain,isitacrimetoexchangeourthoughtsbyletter?
Maynotkindredspiritsmeet,andmingleincommunionwhateverbethefateandcircumstancesoftheirearthlytenements?’
`Theymay,theymay!’criedshewithamomentaryburstofgladenthusiasm。`Ithoughtofthattoo,Gilbert,butIfearedtomentionit,becauseIfearedyouwouldnotunderstandmyviewsuponthesubject——I
fearitevennow——Ifearanykindfriendwouldtelluswearebothdeludingourselveswiththeideaofkeepingupaspiritualintercoursewithouthopeorprospectofanythingfurther——withoutfosteringvainregretsandhurtfulaspirations,andfeedingthoughtsthatshouldbesternlyandpitilesslylefttoperishofinanition——’
`Nevermindourkindfriends:iftheycanpartourbodies,itisenough;inGod’sname,letthemnotsunderoursouls!’criedI,interrorlestsheshoulddeemitherdutytodenyusthislastremainingconsolation。
`Butnoletterscanpassbetweenushere,’saidshe,`withoutgivingfreshfoodforscandal;andwhenIdeparted,Ihadintendedthatmynewabodeshouldbeunknowntoyouastotherestoftheworld;notthatIshoulddoubtyourwordifyoupromisednottovisitme,butIthoughtyouwouldbemoretranquilinyourownmindifyouknewyoucouldnotdoit;andlikelytofindlessdifficultyinabstractingyourselffrommeifyoucouldnotpicturemysituationtoyourmind。Butlisten,’saidshe,smilinglyputtingupherfingertocheckmyimpatientreply:`insixmonthsyoushallhearfromFrederickpreciselywhereIam;andifyoustillretainyourwishtowritetome,andthinkyoucanmaintainacorrespondenceallthought,allspirit——suchasdisembodiedsoulsorunimpassionedfriends,atleast,mighthold,——write,andIwillansweryou。’
`Sixmonths!’
`Yes,togiveyourpresentardourtimetocoolandtrythetruthandconstancyofyoursoul’sloveformine。Andnow,enoughhasbeensaidbetweenus——Whycan’twepartatonce!’exclaimedshealmostwildly,afteramoment’spause,asshesuddenlyrosefromherchairwithherhandsresolutelyclaspedtogether。Ithoughtitwasmydutytogowithoutdelay;andIapproachedandhalfextendedmyhandasiftotakeleave;shegraspeditinsilence。
Butthisthoughtoffinalseparationwastoointolerable:itseemedtosqueezethebloodoutofmyheart;andmyfeetweregluedtothefloor。
`Andmustwenevermeetagain?’Imurmuredintheanguishofmysoul。
`WeshallmeetinHeaven。Letusthinkofthat,’saidsheinatoneofdesperatecalmness;buthereyesglitteredwildly,andherfacewasdeadlypale。
`Butnotaswearenow,Icouldnothelpreplying。`ItgivesmelittleconsolationtothinkIshallnextbeholdyouasadisembodiedspirit,oranalteredbeing,withaframeperfectandglorious,butnotlikethis!——andaheart,perhaps,entirelyestrangedfromme。
`NoGilbert,thereisperfectloveinHeaven!’
`Soperfect,Isuppose,thatitsoarsabovedistinctions,andyouwillhavenoclosersympathywithmethanwithanyoneofthetenthousandthousandangels’andtheinnumerablemultitudeofhappyspiritsroundus。’
`WhateverIam,youwillbethesame,andtherefore,cannotpossiblyregretit;andwhateverthatchangemaybe,weknowitmustbeforthebetter。’
`ButifIamtobesochangedthatIshallceasetoadoreyouwithmywholeheartandsoul,andloveyoubeyondeveryothercreature,Ishallnotbemyself,and,though,ifeverIwinHeavenatall,Imust,Iknow,beinfinitelybetterandhappierthanIamnow,myearthlynaturecannotrejoiceintheanticipationofsuchbeatitude,fromwhichitselfanditschiefjoymustbeexcluded。’
`Isyourloveallearthlythen?’
`No,butIamsupposingweshallhavenomoreintimatecommunionwitheachother,thanwiththerest。’
`Ifso,itwillbebecausewelovethemmoreandnoteachotherless。Increaseoflovebringsincreaseofhappiness,whenitismutual,andpureasthatwillbe。’
`Butcanyou,Helen,contemplatewithdelightthisprospectoflosingmeinaseaofglory?’