`ItisHelenHuntingdon,’saidI,quietly,rising,atthesametime,andremovingtoalessconspicuousposition。
`Imustbegoingmad,’criedhe——`orsomething——deliriousperhaps——Butleaveme,whoeveryouare——Ican’tbearthatwhiteface,andthoseeyes——forGod’ssakego,andsendmesomebodyelse,thatdoesn’tlooklikethat!’
Iwent,atonce,andsentthehirednurse。Butnextmorning,I
venturedtoenterhischamberagain;and,takingthenurse’splacebyhisbed-side,Iwatchedhimandwaitedonhimforseveralhours,showingmyselfaslittleaspossible,andonlyspeakingwhennecessary,andthennotabovemybreath。Atfirstheaddressedmeusthenurse,but,onmycrossingtheroomtodrawupthewindow-blinds,inobediencetohisdirections,hesaid——
`No,itisn’tnurse;it’sAlice。Staywithmedo!thatoldhagwillbethedeathofme。’
`Imeantostaywithyou,’saidI。Andafterthat,hewouldcallmeAlice——orsomeothernamealmostequallyrepugnanttomyfeelings。I
forcedmyselftoendureitforawhile,fearingacontradictionmightdisturbhimtoomuch:butwhen,havingaskedforaglassofwater,whileIheldittohislips,hemurmured`Thanks,dearest!’——Icouldnothelpdistinctlyobserving——`Youwouldnotsaysoifyouknewme,’intendingtofollowthatupwithanotherdeclarationofmyidentity,buthemerelymutteredanincoherentreply,soIdroppeditagain,tillsometimeafter,when,asIwasbathinghisforeheadandtempleswithvinegarandwatertorelievetheheatandpaininhishead,heobserved,afterlookingearnestlyuponmeforsomeminutes——
`Ihavesuchstrangefancies——Ican’tgetridofthem,andtheywon’tletmerest;andthemostsingularandpertinaciousofthemall,isyourfaceandvoice;theyseemjustlikehers。Icouldswearatthismoment,thatshewasbymyside。’
`Sheis,’saidI。
`Thatseemscomfortable,’continuedhe,withoutnoticingmywords;
`andwhileyoudoit,theotherfanciesfadeaway——butthisonlystrengthens。Goontoon,tillitvanishestoo。Ican’tstandsuchamaniaasthis;itwouldkillme!’
`Itneverwillvanish,’saidIdistinctly,`foritisthetruth。’
`Thetruth!’hecried,startingasifanasphadstunghim。`Youdon’tmeantosaythatyouarereallyshe!’
`Ido;butyouneedn’tshrinkawayfromme,asifIwereyourgreatestenemy:Iamcometotakecareofyou,anddowhatnoneofthemwoulddo。’
`ForGod’ssake,don’ttormentmenow!’criedheinpitiableagitation;
andthenhebegantomutterbittercursesagainstme,ortheevilfortunethathadbroughtmethere;whileIputdownthespongeandbasin,andresumedmyseatatthebedside。
`Wherearethey?’saidhe`havetheyallleftme——servantsandall?’
`Thereareservantswithincall,ifyouwantthem;butyouhadbetterliedownnowandbequiet:noneofthemcouldorwouldattendyouascarefullyasIshalldo。’
`Ican’tunderstanditatall,’saidhe,inbewilderedperplexity。
`Wasitadreamthat`andhecoveredhiseyeswithhishand,asiftryingtounravelthemystery。
`NoArthur,itwasnotadream,thatyourconductwassuchastoobligemetoleaveyou;butIheardthatyouwereillandalone,andIamcomebacktonurseyou。Youneednotfeartotrustme:tellmeallyourwants,andIwilltrytosatisfythem。Thereisnooneelsetocareforyou;andIshallnotupbraidyounow。
`Oh!Isee,’saidhewithabittersmile,`it’sanactofChristiancharity,wherebyyouhopetogainahigherseatinHeavenforyourself,andscoopadeeperpitinhellforme。’
`No;Icametoofferyouthatcomfortandassistanceyoursituationrequired;andifIcouldbenefityoursoulaswellasyourbody,andawakensomesenseofcontritionand——’`Oh,yes;ifyoucouldoverwhelmmewithremorseandconfusionofface,’now’sthetime。Whathaveyoudonewithmyson?’
`Heiswell,andyoumayseehimsometime,ifyouwillcomposeyourself,butnotnow。
`Whereishe?’
`Heissafe。’
`Ishehere?’
`Whereverheis,youwillnotseehimtillyouhavepromisedtoleavehimentirelyundermycareandprotection,andtoletmetakehimawaywheneverandwhereverIplease,ifIshouldhereafterjudgeitnecessarytoremovehimagain。Butwewilltalkofthatto-morrow:youmustbequietnow。’
`No,letmeseehimnow。Ipromise,ifitmustbeso。
`No——’
`Iswearit,asGodisinHeaven!Nowthen,letmeseehim。’
`ButIcannottrustyouroathsandpromises:Imusthaveawrittenagreement,andyoumustsignitinpresenceofawitness——Butnotto-day,to-morrow。
`No,to-day——now,’persistedhe:andhewasinsuchastateoffeverishexcitement,andsobentupontheimmediategratificationofhiswish,thatIthoughtitbettertograntitatonce,asIsawhewouldnotresttillIdid。ButIwasdeterminedmyson’sinterestshouldnotbeforgotten;
andhavingclearlywrittenoutthepromiseIwishedMr。Huntingdontogiveuponaslipofpaper,Ideliberatelyreaditovertohim,andmadehimsignitinthepresenceofRachel。HebeggedIwouldnotinsistuponthis:
itwasauselessexposureofmywantoffaithinhisword,totheservant。
ItoldhimIwassorry,butsincehehadforfeitedmyconfidence,hemusttaketheconsequence。Henextpleadedinabilitytoholdthepen。`Thenwemustwaituntilyoucanholdit,’saidI。Uponwhich,hesaidhewouldtry;butthen,hecouldnotseetowrite。Iplacedmyfingerwherethesignaturewastobe,andtoldhimhemightwritehisnameinthedark,ifheonlyknewwheretoputit。Buthehadnotpowertoformtheletters。
`Inthatcase,youmustbetooilltoseethechild,’saidI;andfindingmeinexorable,heatlengthmanagedtoratifytheagreement;andIbadeRachelsendtheboy。
Allthismaystrikeyouasharsh,butIfeltImustnotlosemypresentadvantage,andmyson’sfuturewelfareshouldnotbesacrificedtoanymistakentendernessforthisman’sfeelings。LittleArthurhadnotforgottenhisfather,butthirteenmonthsofabsence,duringwhichhehadseldombeenpermittedtohearawordabouthim,orhardlytowhisperhisname,hadrenderedhimsomewhatshy;andwhenhewasusheredintothedarkenedroomwherethesickmanlay,soalteredfromhisformerself,withfiercelyflushedfaceandwildlygleamingeyes——heinstinctivelyclungtome,andstoodlookingonhisfatherwithacountenanceexpressiveoffarmoreawethanpleasure。
`Comehere,Arthur,’saidthelatter,extendinghishandtowardshim。Thechildwent,andtimidlytouchedthatburninghand,butalmoststartedinalarm,whenhisfathersuddenlyclutchedhisarmanddrewhimnearertohisside。
`Doyouknowme?’askedMr。Huntingdon,intentlyperusinghisfeatures。
`Yes。’
`WhoamI?’
`Papa。’
`Areyougladtoseeme?’
`Yes。’
`You’renot!’repliedthedisappointedparent,relaxinghishold,anddartingavindictiveglanceatme。
Arthur,thusreleased,creptbacktomeandputhishandinmine。
HisfathersworeIhadmadethechildhatehim,andabusedandcursedmebitterly。TheinstanthebeganIsentoursonoutoftheroom;andwhenhepausedtobreathe,Icalmlyassuredhimthathewasentirelymistaken;
Ihadneveronceattemptedtoprejudicehischildagainsthim。
`Ididindeeddesirehimtoforgetyou,’Isaid,`andespeciallytoforgetthelessonsyoutaughthim;andforthatcause,andtolessenthedangerofdiscovery,IownIhavegenerallydiscouragedhisinclinationtotalkaboutyou;——Butnoonecanblamemeforthat,Ithink。’
Theinvalidonlyrepliedbygroaningaloudandrollinghisheadonapillowinaparoxysmofimpatience。
`Iaminhell,already!’criedhe。`Thiscursedthirstisburningmyhearttoashes!Willnobody——’
Beforehecouldfinishthesentence,Ihadpouredoutaglassofsomeacidulated,coolingdrinkthatwasonthetable,andbroughtittohim。Hedrankitgreedily,butmuttered,asItookawaytheglass,——
`Isupposeyou’reheapingcoalsoffireonmyhead——youthink。’
Notnoticingthisspeech,IaskediftherewasanythingelseI
coulddoforhim。
`Yes;I’llgiveyouanotheropportunityofshewingyourChristianmagnanimity,’sneeredhe:——`setmypillowstraight,——andtheseconfoundedbed-clothes。’Ididso。`There——now,getmeanotherglassofthatslop。’
Icomplied。`Thisisdelightful!isn’tit?’saidhewithamaliciousgrin,asIheldittohislips——youneverhopedforsuchagloriousopportunity?’
`Now,shallIstaywithyou?’saidI,asIreplacedtheglassonthetable——`orwillyoubemorequietifIgo,andsendthenurse?’
`Oh,yes,you’rewondrousgentleandobliging——Butyou’vedrivenmemadwithitall!’respondedhe,withanimpatienttoss。
`I’llleaveyouthen,’saidI,andIwithdrew,anddidnottroublehimwithmypresenceagainthatday,exceptforaminuteortwoatatime,justtoseehowhewasandwhathewanted。
Nextmorning,thedoctororderedhimtobebled;andafterthat,hewasmoresubduedandtranquil。Ipassedhalfthedayinhisroomatdifferentintervals。Mypresencedidnotappeartoagitateorirritatehimasbefore,andheacceptedmyservicesquietly,withoutanybitterremarks——indeedhescarcelyspokeatall,excepttomakeknownhiswants,andhardlythen。Butonthemorrow——thatis,to-day——inproportionasherecoveredfromthestateofexhaustionandstupefaction——hisill-natureappearedtorevive。
`Oh,thissweetrevenge!’criedhe,whenIhadbeendoingallIcouldtomakehimcomfortableandtoremedythecarelessnessofhisnurse。
`Andyoucanenjoyitwithsuchaquietconsciencetoo,becauseit’sallinthewayofduty。’
`ItiswellformethatIamdoingmyduty,’saidI,withabitternessIcouldnotrepress,`foritistheonlycomfortIhave;andthesatisfactionofmyownconscience,itseems,istheonlyrewardIneedlookfor!’
Helookedrathersurprisedattheearnestnessofmymanner。
`Whatrewarddidyoulookfor?’heasked。
`YouwillthinkmealiarifItellyou——ButIdidhopetobenefityou:aswelltobetteryourmind,astoalleviateyourpresentsufferings;butitappearsIamtodoneither——yourownbadspiritwillnotletme。Asfarasyouareconcerned,Ihavesacrificedmyownfeelings,andallthelittleearthlycomfortthatwasleftme,tonopurpose;——andeverylittlethingIdoforyouisascribedtoself-righteousmaliceandrefinedrevenge!’
`It’sallveryfine,Idaresay,’saidhe,eyeingmewithstupidamazement;`andofcourseIoughttobemeltedtotearsofpenitenceandadmirationatthesightofsomuchgenerosityandsuperhumangoodness,——ButyouseeIcan’tman。ageit。However,praydomeallthegoodyoucan,ifyoudoreallyfindanypleasureinit;foryouperceiveIamalmostasmiserablejustnowasyouneedwishtoseeme。Sinceyoucame,Iconfess,Ihavehadbetterattendancethanbefore,forthesewretchesneglectedmeshamefully,andallmyoldfriendsseemtohavefairlyforsakenme。
I’vehadadreadfultimeofit,Iassureyou:IsometimesthoughtIshouldhavedied——doyouthinkthere’sanychance?’
`There’salwaysachanceofdeath;anditisalwayswelltolivewithsuchachanceinview。’
`Yes,yes——Butdoyouthinkthere’sanylikelihoodthatthisillnesswillhaveafataltermination?’
`Icannottell;but,supposingitshould,howareyoupreparedtomeettheevent?’
`Why,thedoctortoldmeIwasn’ttothinkaboutit,forIwassuretogetbetter,ifIstucktohisregimenandprescriptions。’
`Ihopeyoumay,Arthur,butneitherthedoctornorIcanspeakwithcertaintyinsuchacase:thereisinternalinjury,anditisdifficulttoknowtowhatextent。’
`Therenow!youwanttoscaremetodeath。’