Thetheaterteacheslargeaudiencesseventimesaweek——28or30hoursaltogether——andthenovelsandnewspapersplead，andargue，andillustrate，stir，move，thrill，thunder，urge，persuade，andsupplicate，atthefeetofmillionsandmillionsofpeopleeverysingleday，andalldaylongandfarintothenight；andsothesevastagenciestillnine—
tenthsofthevineyard，andthepulpittillstheothertenth。Yetnowandthensomecomplacentblindidiotsays，"Youunanointedarecoarseclayanduseless；youarenotaswe，theregeneratorsoftheworld；go，buryyourselveselsewhere，forwecannottaketheresponsibilityofrecommendingidlersandsinnerstotheyearningmercyofHeaven。"Howdoesasoullikethatstayinacarcasswithoutgettingmixedwiththesecretionsandsweatedoutthroughthepores？ThinkofthisinsectcondemningthewholetheatricalserviceasadisseminatorofbadmoralsbecauseithasBlackCrooksinit；forgettingthatifthatweresufficientgroundpeoplewouldcondemnthepulpitbecauseithadCrooksandKallochsandSabinesinit！
No，IamnottryingtorobthepulpitofanyatomofitsfullshareandcreditintheworkofdisseminatingthemeatandmarrowofthegospelofChrist；butIamtryingtogetamoment’shearingforworthyagenciesinthesamework，thatwithoverwroughtmodestyseldomorneverclaimarecognitionoftheirgreatservices。Iamawarethatthepulpitdoesitsexcellentone—tenthandcreditsitselfwithitnowandthen，thoughmostofthetimeapressofbusinesscausesittoforgetit；Iamawarethatinitshonestandwell—meaningwayitboresthepeoplewithuninflammabletruismsaboutdoinggood；boresthemwithcorrectcompositionsoncharity；boresthem，chloroformsthem，stupefiesthemwithargumentativemercywithoutaflawinthegrammaroranemotionwhichtheministercouldputinintherightplaceifheturnedhisbackandtookhisfingeroffthemanuscript。Andindoingthesethingsthepulpitisdoingitsduty，andletusbelievethatitislikewisedoingitsbest，anddoingitinthemostharmlessandrespectableway。AndsoIhavesaid，andshallkeeponsaying，letusgivethepulpititsfullshareofcreditinelevatingandennoblingthepeople；butwhenapulpittakestoitselfauthoritytopassjudgmentupontheworkandworthofjustaslegitimateaninstrumentofGodasitself，whospentalonglifepreachingfromthestagetheselfsamegospelwithoutthealterationofasinglesentimentorasingleaxiomofright，itisfairandjustthatsomebodywhobelievesthatactorsweremadeforahighandgoodpurpose，andthattheyaccomplishtheobjectoftheircreationandaccomplishitwell，shouldprotest。Andhavingprotested，itisalsofairandjust——beingdriventoit，asitwere——towhispertotheSabinepatternofclergyman，underthebreath，asimple，instructivetruth，andsay，"MinistersarenottheonlyservantsofGoduponearth，norhismostefficientones，either，byavery，verylongdistance！"Sensibleministersalreadyknowthis，anditmaydotheotherkindgoodtofinditout。
Buttoceaseteachingandgobacktothebeginningagain，wasitnotpitiable——thatspectacle？HonoredandhonorableoldGeorgeHolland，whosetheatricalministryhadforfiftyyearssoftenedhardhearts，bredgenerosityincoldones，kindledemotionindeadones，upliftedbaseones，broadenedbigotedones，andmademanyandmanyastrickenonegladandfilleditbrimfulofgratitude，figurativelyspituponinhisunoffendingcoffinbythiscrawling，slimy，sanctimonious，self—righteousreptile！
APPENDIXK
ASUBSTITUTEFORRULOFFHAVEWEASIDNEYCARTONAMONGUS？
SeeChapterlxxxii
ToEDITORof’Tribune’。
SIR，——Ibelieveincapitalpunishment。Ibelievethatwhenamurderhasbeendoneitshouldbeansweredforwithblood。Ihaveallmylifebeentaughttofeelthisway，andthefettersofeducationarestrong。Thefactthatthedeath——lawisrenderedalmostinoperativebyitsveryseveritydoesnotaltermybeliefinitsrighteousness。ThefactthatinEnglandtheproportionofexecutionstocondemnationsisonetosixteen，andinthiscountryonlyonetotwenty—two，andinFranceonlyonetothirty—eight，doesnotshakemysteadfastconfidenceintheproprietyofretainingthedeath—penalty。Itisbettertohangonemurdererinsixteen，twenty—two，thirty—eightthannottohanganyatall。
FeelingasIdo，IamnotsorrythatRuloffistobehanged，butIamsincerelysorrythathehimselfhasmadeitnecessarythathisvastcapabilitiesforusefulnessshouldbelosttotheworld。Inthis，mineandthepublic’sisacommonregret。ForitisplainthatinthepersonofRuloffoneofthemostmarvelousofintellectsthatanyagehasproducedisabouttobesacrificed，andthat，too，whilehalfthemysteryofitsstrangepowersisyetasecret。Hereisamanwhohasneverenteredthedoorsofacollegeorauniversity，andyetbythesheermightofhisinnategiftshasmadehimselfsuchacolossusinabstruselearningthattheablestofourscholarsarebutpigmiesinhispresence。
BytheevidenceofProfessorMather，Mr。Surbridge，Mr。Richmond，andothermenqualifiedtotestify，thismanisasfamiliarwiththebroaddomainofphilologyascommonmenarewiththepassingeventsoftheday。
Hismemoryhassuchalimitlessgraspthatheisabletoquotesentenceaftersentence，paragraphafterparagraph，chapterafterchapter，fromagnarledandknottyancientliteraturethatordinaryscholarsarecapableofachievinglittlemorethanabowingacquaintancewith。Buthismemoryistheleastofhisgreatendowments。Bythetestimonyofthegentlemenabovereferredtoheisabletocriticallyanalyzetheworksoftheoldmastersofliterature，andwhilepointingoutthebeautiesoftheoriginalswithapureanddiscriminatingtasteisasquicktodetectthedefectsoftheacceptedtranslations；andinthelattercase，ifexceptionsbetakentohisjudgment，hestraightwayopensupthequarriesofhisexhaustlessknowledge，andbuildsaveryChinesewallofevidencearoundhisposition。EverylearnedmanwhoentersRuloff’spresenceleavesitamazedandconfoundedbyhisprodigiouscapabilitiesandattainments。Onescholarsaidhedidnotbelievethatinmattersofsubtleanalysis，vastknowledgeinhispeculiarfieldofresearch，comprehensivegraspofsubject，andserenekingshipoveritslimitlessandbewilderingdetails，anylandoranyeraofmoderntimeshadgivenbirthtoRuloff’sintellectualequal。Whatmiraclesthismurderermighthavewrought，andwhatlusterhemighthavesheduponhiscountry，ifhehadnotputaforfeituponhislifesofoolishly！Butwhatifthelawcouldbesatisfied，andthegiftedcriminalstillbesaved。IfalifebeoffereduponthegallowstoatoneforthemurderRuloffdid，willthatsuffice？Ifso，givemetheproofs，forinallearnestnessandtruthI
averthatinsuchacaseIwillinstantlybringforwardamanwho，intheinterestsoflearningandscience，willtakeRuloff’scrimeuponhimself，andsubmittobehangedinRuloff’splace。Ican，andwilldothisthing；andIproposethismatter，andmakethisofferingoodfaith。Youknowme，andknowmyaddress。
SAMUELLANGHORNE。
April29，1871。
APPENDIXL
ABOUTLONDON
ADDRESSATADINNERGIVENBYTHESAVAGECLUB，LONDON，SEPTEMBER28，1872
SeeChapterlxxxvii
ReportedbyMoncureD。ConwayintheCincinnatiCommercialItaffordsmesincerepleasuretomeetthisdistinguishedclub，aclubwhichhasextendeditshospitalitiesanditscordialwelcometosomanyofmycountrymen。Ihope[andherethespeaker’svoicebecamelowandfluttering]youwillexcusetheseclothes。Iamgoingtothetheater；
thatwillexplaintheseclothes。Ihaveotherclothesthanthese。
JudginghumannaturebywhatIhaveseenofit，Isupposethatthecustomarythingforastrangertodowhenhestandshereistomakeapunonthenameofthisclub，undertheimpression，ofcourse，thatheisthefirstmanthatthatideahasoccurredto。Itisacredittoourhumannature，notablemishuponit；foritshowsthatunderlyingallourdepravityandGodknowsandyouknowwearedepravedenoughandalloursophistication，anduntarnishedbythem，thereisasweetgermofinnocenceandsimplicitystill。Whenastrangersaystome，withaglowofinspirationinhiseye，somegentle，innocuouslittlethingabout"Twainandoneflesh"andallthatsortofthing，Idon’ttrytocrushthatmanintotheearth——no。Ifeellikesaying，"Letmetakeyoubythehand，sir；letmeembraceyou；Ihavenotheardthatpunforweeks。"Wewilldealinpalpablepuns。WewillcallpartiesnamedKing"yourMajesty"andwewillsaytotheSmithsthatwethinkwehaveheardthatnamebeforesomewhere。Suchishumannature。Wecannotalterthis。ItisGodthatmadeussoforsomegoodandwisepurpose。Letusnotrepine。ButthoughImayseemstrange，mayseemeccentric，Imeantorefrainfrompunninguponthenameofthisclub，thoughIcouldmakeaverygoodoneifIhadtimetothinkaboutit——aweek。
IcannotexpresstoyouwhatentireenjoymentIfindinthisfirstvisittothisprodigiousmetropolisofyours。Itswondersseemtometobelimitless。Igoaboutasinadream——asinarealmofenchantment——wheremanythingsarerareandbeautiful，andallthingsarestrangeandmarvelous。HourafterhourIstand——Istandspellbound，asitwere—andgazeuponthestatuaryinLeicesterSquare。[LeicesterSquarebeingahorriblechaos，withtherelicofanequestrianstatueinthecenter，thekingbeingheadlessandlimbless，andthehorseinlittlebettercondition。]IvisitthemortuaryeffigiesofnobleoldHenryVIII。，andJudgeJeffreys，andthepreservedgorilla，andtrytomakeupmymindwhichofmyancestorsIadmirethemost。IgotothatmatchlessHydeParkanddriveallaroundit，andthenIstarttoenteritattheMarbleArch——andaminducedto"changemymind。"[CabsarenotpermittedinHydePark——nothinglessaristocraticthanaprivatecarriage。]Itisagreatbenefaction——isHydePark。There，inhishansomcab，theinvalidcango——thepoor，sadchildofmisfortune——andinserthisnosebetweentherailings，andbreathethepure，health—givingairofthecountryandofheaven。Andifheisaswellinvalidwhoisn’tobligedtodependuponparksforhiscountryairhecandriveinside——ifheownshisvehicle。
IdriveroundandroundHydeParkandthemoreIseeoftheedgesofitthemoregratefulIamthatthemarginisextensive。
AndIhavebeentotheZoologicalGardens。Whatawonderfulplacethatis！Ihaveneverseensuchacuriousandinterestingvarietyofwild—
animalsinanygardenbefore——exceptMabille。Ineverbelievedbeforethereweresomanydifferentkindsofanimalsintheworldasyoucanfindthere——andIdon’tbelieveityet。IhavebeentotheBritishMuseum。Iwouldadviseyoutodropintheresometimewhenyouhavenothingtodofor——fiveminutes——ifyouhaveneverbeenthere。Itseemstomethenoblestmonumentthisnationhas，yeterectedtohergreatness。
Isaytoher，ourgreatness——asanation。True，shehasbuiltothermonuments，andstatelyones，aswell；buttheseshehasupliftedinhonoroftwoorthreecolossaldemigodswhohavestalkedacrosstheworld’sstage，destroyingtyrantsanddeliveringnations，andwhoseprodigieswillstillliveinthememoriesofmenagesaftertheirmonumentsshallhavecrumbledtodust——IrefertotheWellingtonandNelsonmonuments，and——theAlbertmemorial。[Sarcasm。TheAlbertmemorialisthefinestmonumentintheworld，andcelebratestheexistenceofascommonplaceapersonasgoodluckeverliftedoutofobscurity。]
TheLibraryattheBritishMuseumIfindparticularlyastounding。Ihavereadtherehourstogether，andhardlymadeanimpressiononit。Ireverethatlibrary。Itistheauthor’sfriend。Idon’tcarehowmeanabookis，italwaystakesonecopy。[AcopyofeverybookprintedinGreatBritainmustbylawbesenttotheBritishMuseum，alawmuchcomplainedofbypublishers。]Andtheneverydaythatauthorgoestheretogazeatthatbook，andisencouragedtogooninthegoodwork。AndwhatatouchingsightitisofaSaturdayafternoontoseethepoor，carewornclergymengatheredtogetherinthatvastreading—roomcabbagingsermonsforSunday！Youwillpardonmyreferringtothesethings。Everythinginthismonstercityinterestsme，andIcannotkeepfromtalking，evenattheriskofbeinginstructive。Peoplehereseemalwaystoexpressdistancesbyparables。Toastrangeritisjustalittleconfusingtobesoparabolic——sotospeak。Icollaracitizen，andIthinkIamgoingtogetsomevaluableinformationoutofhim。IaskhimhowfaritistoBirmingham，andhesaysitistwenty—oneshillingsandsixpence。Nowweknowthatdoesn’thelpamanwhoistryingtolearn。Ifindmyselfdown—
townsomewhere，andIwanttogetsomesortofideawhereIam——beingusuallylostwhenalone——andIstopacitizenandsay，"HowfarisittoCharingCross？""Shillingfareinacab，"andoffhegoes。IsupposeifIweretoaskaLondonerhowfaritisfromthesublimetotheridiculoushewouldtrytoexpressitinacoin。ButIamtrespassinguponyourtimewiththesegeologicalstatisticsandhistoricalreflections。Iwillnotlongerkeepyoufromyourorgies。’Tisarealpleasureformetobehere，andIthankyouforit。ThenameoftheSavageClubisassociatedinmymindwiththekindlyinterestandthefriendlyofficeswhichyoulavisheduponanoldfriendofminewhocameamongyouastranger，andyouopenedyourEnglishheartstohimandgavehimawelcomeandahome——
ArtemusWard。Askingthatyouwilljoinme，IgiveyouhisMemory。
APPENDIXM
LETTERWRITTENTOMRS。CLEMENSFROMBOSTON，NOVEMBER，1874，PROPHESYINGA
MONARCHYINSIXTY—ONEYEARS
SeeChapterxcvii
BOSTON，November16，1935。
DEARLIVY，——YouobserveIstillcallthisbelovedoldplacebythenameithadwhenIwasyoung。Limerick！Itisenoughtomakeabodysick。
Thegentlemen—in—waitingstaretoseemesitheretelegraphingthislettertoyou，andnodoubttheyaresmilingintheirsleeves。Butletthem！Theslowoldfashionsaregoodenoughforme，thankGod，andI
willnoneother。WhenIseeoneofthesemodernfoolssitabsorbed，holdingtheendofatelegraphwireinhishand，andreflectthatathousandmilesawaythereisanotherfoolhitchedtotheotherendofit，itmakesmefranticwithrage；andthenIammoreimplacablyfixedandresolvedthanevertocontinuetakingtwentyminutestotelegraphyouwhatImightcommunicateintensecondsbythenewwayifIwouldsodebasemyself。AndwhenIseeawholesilent，solemndrawing—roomfullofidiotssittingwiththeirhandsoneachother’sforeheads"communing"
Itugthewhitehairsfrommyheadandcursetillmyasthmabringsmetheblessedreliefofsuffocation。Inourolddaysuchagatheringtalkedpuredriveland"rot，"mostly，butbetterthat，athousandtimes，thanthesedrearyconversationalfuneralsthatoppressourspiritsinthismadgeneration。
ItissixtyyearssinceIwasherebefore。Iwalkedhitherthenwithmypreciousoldfriend。Itseemsincrediblenowthatwediditintwodays，butsuchismyrecollection。Inolongermentionthatwewalkedbackinasingleday，itmakesmesofurioustoseedoubtinthefaceofthehearer。Menweremeninthoseoldtimes。Thinkofoneofthepuerileorganismsinthiseffeminateageattemptingsuchafeat。
Myair—shipwasdelayedbyacollisionwithafellowfromChinaloadedwiththeusualcargoofjabbering，copper—coloredmissionaries，andsoI
wasnearlyanhouronmyjourney。ButbythegoodnessofGodthirteenofthemissionarieswerecrippledandseveralkilled，soIwascontenttolosethetime。Ilovetolosetimeanywaybecauseitbringssoothingreminiscencesofthecreepingrailroaddaysofold，nowlosttousforever。
Ourgamewasneatlyplayed，andsuccessfully。Noneexpectedus，ofcourse。YoushouldhaveseentheguardsattheducalpalacestarewhenI
said，"AnnouncehisGracetheArchbishopofDublinandtheRightHonorabletheEarlofHartford。"Arrivedwithin，wewerealleyestoseetheDukeofCambridgeandhisDuchess，wonderingifwemightremembertheirfacesandtheyours。Inamomenttheycametotteringin；he，bentandwitheredandbald；she，bloomingwithwholesomeoldage。Hepeeredthroughhisglassesamoment，thenscreechedinareedyvoice，"Cometomyarms！Awaywithtitles——I’llknowyebynonamesbutTwainandTwichell！"Thenfellheonournecksandjammedhistrumpetinhisear，thewhichwefilledwithshoutingstothiseffect："Godblessyou，oldHowells，whatisleftofyou！"
Wetalkedlatethatnight——noneofyoursilentidiot"communings"forus——oftheoldentime。WerolledastreamofancientanecdotesoverourtonguesanddranktilltheLordArchbishopgrewsomellowinthemellowpastthatDublinceasedtobeDublintohim，andresumeditssweeter，forgottennameofNewYork。Intruthhealmostgotbackintohisancientreligion，too，goodJesuitashehasalwaysbeensinceO’MulligantheFirstestablishedthatfaithintheempire。
Andwecanvassedeverybody。BaileyAldrich，MarquisofPonkapog，camein，gotnoblydrunk，andtoldusallabouthowpoorOsgoodlosthisearldomandwashangedforconspiringagainstthesecondEmperor；buthedidn’tmentionhownearhehimselfcametobeinghanged，too，forengaginginthesameenterprise。Hewasaschaffyashewassixtyyearsago，too，andsworetheArchbishopandIneverwalkedtoBoston；buttherewasneveradaythatPonkapogwouldn’tlie，sobeitbythegraceofGodhegottheopportunity。
TheLordHighAdmiralcamein，ahalegentlemancloseuponseventyandbronzedbythesunsandstormsofmanyclimesandscarredbythewoundsgotinmanybattles，andItoldhimhowIhadseenhimsitinahigh—
chairandeatfruitandcakesandanswertothenameofJohnny。HisgranddaughtertheeldestisbutlatelymarriedtotheyoungestoftheGrandDukes，andsowhoknowsbutadaymaycomewhenthebloodoftheHowellsesmayreignintheland？Imustnotforgettosay，whileIthinkofit，thatyournewfalseteetharedone，mydear，andyourwig。Keepyourheadwellbundledwithashawltillthelattercomes，andsocheatyourpersecutingneuralgiasandrheumatisms。Wouldyoubelieveit？——theDuchessofCambridgeisdeaferthanyou——deaferthanherhusband。Theycallhertobreakfastwithasalvoofartillery；andusuallywhenitthundersshelooksupexpectantlyandsays，"Comein。"Butshehasbecomesubduedandgentlewithageandneverdestroysthefurniturenow，exceptwhenuncommonlyvexed。Godknows，mydear，itwouldbeahappythingifyouandoldLadyHarmonywouldimitatethisspirit。Butindeedtheolderyougrowthelesssecurebecomesthefurniture。WhenIthrowchairsthroughthewindowIhavesufficientreasontobackit。Butyou——
youarebutacreatureofpassion。
Themonumenttotheauthorof’GloversonandHisSilentPartners’isfinished。——[RalphKeeler。Seechap。lxxxiii。]——Itisthestateliestandthecostliestevererectedtothememoryofanyman。Thisnobleclassichasnowbeentranslatedintoallthelanguagesoftheearthandisadoredbyallnationsandknowntoallcreatures。YetIhaveconversedasfamiliarlywiththeauthorofitasIdowithmyowngreat—
grandchildren。
IwishyoucouldseeoldCambridgeandPonkapog。Ilovethemasdearlyasever，butprivately，mydear，theyarenotmuchimprovementonidiots。
Itismelancholytohearthemjabberoverthesamepointlessanecdotesthreeandfourtimesofanevening，forgettingthattheyhadjabberedthemoverthreeorfourtimestheeveningbefore。Ponkapogstillwritespoetry，buttheold—timefirehasmostlygoneoutofit。Perhapshisbesteffortoflateyearsisthis：
Osoul，soul，soulofmine！
Soul，soul，soulofthroe！
Thysoul，mysoul，twosoulsentwine，Andsingthylaudsincrystalwine！
Thishegoesaboutrepeatingtoeverybody，dailyandnightly，insomuchthatheisbecomeasoreafflictiontoallthatknowhim。
ButImustdesist。Therearedraughtshereeverywhereandmygoutissomethingfrightful。Myleftfoothathresemblancetoasnuff—bladder。
Godbewithyou。
HARTFORD。
ThesetoLadyHartford，intheearldomofHartford，intheupperportionofthecityofDublin。
APPENDIXN
MARKTWAINANDCOPYRIGHT
I
PETITION
ConcerningCopyright1875
SeeChaptercii
TOTHESENATEANDHOUSEOFREPRESENTATIVESOFTHEUNITEDSTATESIN
CONGRESSASSEMBLED。
We，yourpetitioners，dorespectfullyrepresentasfollows，viz。：Thatjustice，plainandsimple，isathingwhichright—feelingmenstandreadyatalltimestoaccordtobrothersandstrangersalike。Allsuchmenwillconcedethatitisbutplain，simplejusticethatAmericanauthorsshouldbeprotectedbycopyrightinEurope；also，thatEuropeanauthorsshouldbeprotectedbycopyrighthere。
Bothdivisionsofthispropositionbeingtrue，itbehoovesourgovernmenttoconcernitselfwiththatdivisionofitwhichcomespeculiarlywithinitsprovince——viz。，thelattermoiety——andtogranttoforeignauthorswithallconvenientdespatchafullandeffectivecopyrightinAmericawithoutmarringthegraceoftheactbystoppingtoinquirewhetherasimilarjusticewillbedoneourownauthorsbyforeigngovernments。Ifitwereevenknownthatthosegovernmentswouldnotextendthisjusticetousitwouldstillnotjustifyusinwithholdingthismanifestrightfromtheirauthors。Ifathingisrightitoughttobedone——thethingcalled"expediency"or"policy"hasnoconcernwithsuchamatter。Andwedesiretorepeat，withallrespect，thatitisnotagraceoraprivilegeweaskforourforeignbrethren，butaright——arightreceivedfromGod，andonlydeniedthembyman。Weholdnoownershipintheseauthors，andwhenwetaketheirworkfromthem，asatpresent，withouttheirconsent，itisrobbery。Thefactthatthehandiworkofourownauthorsisseizedinthesamewayinforeignlandsneitherexcusesnormitigatesoursin。
Withyourpermissionwewillsayhere，overoursignatures，andearnestlyandsincerely，thatweverygreatlydesirethatyoushallgrantafullcopyrighttoforeignauthorsthecopyrightfeefortheentryintheofficeoftheCongressionalLibrariantobethesameaswepayourselves，andwealsoasgreatlydesirethatthisgrantshallbemadewithoutasinglehamperingstipulationthatAmericanauthorsshallreceiveinturnanadvantageofanykindfromforeigngovernments。
SincenoauthorwhowasappliedtohesitatedforamomenttoappendhissignaturetothispetitionwearesatisfiedthatiftimehadpermittedwecouldhaveprocuredthesignatureofeverywriterintheUnitedStates，greatandsmall，obscureorfamous。Asitis，thelistcomprisesthenamesofaboutallourwriterswhoseworkshaveatpresentaEuropeanmarket，andwhoarethereforechieflyconcernedinthismatter。
Noobjectiontoourpropositioncancomefromanyreputablepublisheramongus——ordoescomefromsuchaquarter，astheappendedsignaturesofourgreatestpublishingfirmswillattest。AEuropeancopyrightherewouldbeamanifestadvantagetothem。Asthematterstandsnowthemomenttheyhavethoroughlyadvertisedadesirableforeignbook，andthusatgreatexpensearousedpublicinterestinit，somesmall—spiritedspeculatorwhohaslainstillinhiskennelandspentnothingrushesthesamebookonthemarketandrobstherespectablepublisherofhalfthegains。
Then，sinceneitherourauthorsnorthedecentamongourpublishingfirmswillobjecttograntinganAmericancopyrighttoforeignauthorsandartists，whocantherebetoobject？Surelynobodywhoseprotestisentitledtoanyweight。
Trustingintherighteousnessofourcausewe，yourpetitioners，willeverpray，etc。
Withgreatrespect，YourOb’tServ’ts。
CIRCULARTOAMERICANAUTHORSANDPUBLISHERS
DEARSIR，——Webelievethatyouwillrecognizethejusticeandtherighteousnessofthethingwedesiretoaccomplishthroughtheaccompanyingpetition。Andwebelievethatyouwillbewillingthatourcountryshallbethefirstintheworldtogranttoallauthorsalikethefreeexerciseoftheirmanifestrighttodoastheypleasewiththefruitoftheirownlaborwithoutinquiringwhatflagtheyliveunder。Ifthesentimentsofthepetitionmeetyourviews，willyoudousthefavortosignitandforwarditbypostatyourearliestconveniencetooursecretary？
}CommitteeAddress———————————————————
SecretaryoftheCommittee。
II
CommunicationssupposedtohavebeenwrittenbytheTsarofRussiaandtheSultanofTurkeytoMarkTwainonthesubjectofInternationalCopyright，about1890。
ST。PETERSBURG，February。
COL。MARKTWAIN，Washington。
Yourcablegramreceived。Itshouldhavebeentransmittedthroughmyminister，butletthatpass。Iamopposedtointernationalcopyright。
AtpresentAmericanliteratureisharmlessherebecausewedoctoritinsuchawayastomakeitapprovethevariousbeneficentdeviceswhichweusetokeepourpeoplefavorabletofettersasjewelryandpleasedwithSiberiaasasummerresort。Butyourbillwouldspoilthis。Weshouldbeobligedtoletyousayyoursayinyourownway。’Voila’！myempirewouldbearepublicinfiveyearsandIshouldbesamplingSiberiamyself。
IfyoushouldrunacrossMr。Kennan——[GeorgeKennan，whohadgraphicallypicturedthefearfulconditionsofSiberianexile。]——pleaseaskhimtocomeoverandgivesomereadings。Iwilltakegoodcareofhim。
ALEXANDERIII。
144——Collect。
CONSTANTINOPLE，February。
DR。MARKTWAIN，Washington。
GreatScott，no！BythebeardoftheProphet，no！Howcanyouasksuchathingofme？Iamamanoffamily。Icannottakechances，likeotherpeople。Icannotletaliteraturecomeinherewhichteachesthataman’swifeisasgoodasthemanhimself。Suchadoctrinecannotdoanyparticularharm，ofcourse，wherethemanhasonlyonewife，forthenitisadead—levelbetweenthem，andthereisnohumiliatinginequality，andnoresultingdisorder；butyoutakeanextremelymarriedperson，likeme，andgototeachingthathiswifeis964timesasgoodasheis，andwhat’shelltothatharem，dearfriend？Ineversawsuchafoolasyou。
Donotmindthatexpression；Ialreadyregretit，andwouldreplaceitwithasofteroneifIcoulddoitwithoutdebauchingthetruth。I
beseechyou，donotpassthatbill。RobertsCollegeisquitealltheAmericanproductwecanstandjustnow。Ontopofthat，doyouwanttosendusafloodoffreedom—shriekingliteraturewhichwecan’teditthepoisonoutof，butmustletitgoamongourpeoplejustasitis？Myfriend，weshouldbearepublicinsideoftenyears。
ABDULII。
III
MARKTWAIN’SLASTSUGGESTIONONCOPYRIGHT
AMEMORIALRESPECTFULLYTENDEREDTOTHEMEMBERSOFTHESENATEANDTHE
HOUSEOFREPRESENTATIVES
Preparedearlyin1909atthesuggestionofMr。ChampClackbutnotoffered。Abilladdingfourteenyearstothecopyrightperiodwaspassedaboutthistime。
ThePolicyofCongress：——NineteenortwentyyearsagoJamesRussellLowell，GeorgeHavenPutnam，andtheundersignedappearedbeforetheSenateCommitteeonPatentsintheinterestofCopyright。Uptothattime，asexplainedbySenatorPlatt，ofConnecticut，thepolicyofCongresshadbeentolimitthelifeofacopyrightbyatermofyears，withonedefiniteendinview，andonlyone——towit，thatafteranauthorhadbeenpermittedtoenjoyforareasonablelengthoftimetheincomefromliterarypropertycreatedbyhishandandbrainthepropertyshouldthenbetransferred"tothepublic"asafreegift。ThatisstillthepolicyofCongressto—day。
ThePurposeinView：——Thepurposeinviewwasclear：tosoreducethepriceofthebookastobringitwithinthereachofallpurses，andspreaditamongthemillionswhohadnotbeenabletobuyitwhileitwasstillundertheprotectionofcopyright。
ThePurposeDefeated：——Thispurposehasalwaysbeendefeated。Thatistosay，thatwhilethedeathofacopyrighthassometimesreducedthepriceofabookbyahalfforawhile，andinsomecasesbyevenmore，ithasneverreduceditvastly，noraccomplishedanyreductionthatwaspermanentandsecure。
TheReason：——Thereasonissimple：Congresshasnevermadeareductioncompulsory。Congresswasconvincedthattheremovaloftheauthor’sroyaltyandthebook’sconsequentoratleastprobabledispersalamongseveralcompetingpublisherswouldmakethebookcheapbyforceofthecompetition。Itwasanerror。Ithasnotturnedoutso。Thereasonis，apublishercannotfindprofitinanexceedinglycheapeditionifhemustdividethemarketwithcompetitors。
ProposedRemedy：——Thenaturalremedywouldseemtobe，amendedlawrequiringtheissueofcheapeditions。
CopyrightExtension：——Ithinktheremedycouldbeaccomplishedinthefollowingway，withoutinjurytoauthororpublisher，andwithextremeadvantagetothepublic：byanamendmenttotheexistinglawprovidingasfollows——towit：thatatanytimebetweenthebeginningofabook’sforty—firstyearandtheendingofitsforty—secondtheownerofthecopyrightmayextenditslifethirtyyearsbyissuingandplacingonsaleaneditionofthebookatone—tenththepriceofthecheapesteditionhithertoissuedatanytimeduringthetenimmediatelyprecedingyears。
Thisextensiontolapseandbecomenullandvoidifatanytimeduringthethirtyyearsheshallfailduringthespaceofthreeconsecutivemonthstofurnishthetenpercent。bookupondemandofanypersonorpersonsdesiringtobuyit。
TheResult：——TheresultwouldbethatnoAmericanclassicenjoyingthethirty—yearextensionwouldeverbeoutofthereachofanyAmericanpurse，letitsuncompulsorypricebewhatitmight。Hewouldgetatwo—
dollarbookfor20cents，andhecouldgetnonebutcopyright—expiredclassicsatanysuchrate。
TheFinalResult：——Attheendofthethirty—yearextensionthecopyrightwouldagaindie，andthepricewouldagainadvance。Thisbyanaturallaw，theexcessivelycheapeditionnolongercarryingwithitanadvantagetoanypublisher。
ReconstructionofThePresentLawNotNecessary：——Aclauseofthesuggestedamendmentcouldreadaboutasfollows，andwouldobviatethenecessityoftakingthepresentlawtopiecesandbuildingitoveragain：
Allbooksandallarticlesenjoyingforty—twoyearscopyright—lifeunderthepresentlawshallbeadmittedtotheprivilegeofthethirty—yearextensionuponcomplyingwiththeconditionrequiringtheproducingandplacinguponpermanentsaleofonegradeorformofsaidbookorarticleatapriceof90percent。belowthecheapestrateatwhichsaidbookorarticlehadbeenplaceduponthemarketatanytimeduringtheimmediatelyprecedingtenyears。
REMARKS
IfthesuggestedamendmentshallmeetwiththefavorofthepresentCongressandbecomelaw——andIhopeitwill——Ishallhavepersonalexperienceofitseffectsverysoon。Nextyear，infact，inthepersonofmyfirstbook，’TheInnocentsAbroad’。Foritsforty—two—yearcopyright—lifewillthenceaseanditsthirty—yearextensionbegin——andwiththelatterthepermanentlow—rateedition。Atpresentthehighestpriceofthebookiseightdollars，anditslowestpricethreedollarspercopy。Thusthepermanentlowratewillbethirtycentspercopy。A
sweepingreductionlikethisiswhatCongressfromthebeginninghasdesiredtoachieve，buthasnotbeenabletoaccomplishbecausenoinducementwasofferedtopublisherstoruntherisk。
Respectfullysubmitted，S。L。CLEMENS。
AfullandinterestingelucidationofMarkTwain’sviewsonCopyrightmaybefoundinanarticleentitled"ConcerningCopyright，"publishedintheNorthAmericanReviewforJanuary，1905。
APPENDIXO
SeeChaptercxiv
AddressofSamuelL。ClemensMarkTwainfromareportofthedinnergivenbythepublishersoftheAtlanticMonthlyinhonoroftheSeventiethAnniversaryoftheBirthofJohnGreenleafWhittier，attheHotelBrunswick，Boston，December17，1877，aspublishedintheBostonEveningTranscript，December18，1877。
MR。CHAIRMAN，Thisisanoccasionpeculiarlymeetforthediggingupofpleasantreminiscencesconcerningliteraryfolk，thereforeIwilldroplightlyintohistorymyself。StandinghereontheshoreoftheAtlantic，andcontemplatingcertainofitslargestliterarybillows，Iamremindedofathingwhichhappenedtomethirteenyearsago，whenIhadjustsucceededinstirringupalittleNevadianliterarypuddlemyself，whosespume—flakeswerebeginningtoblowthinlyCalifornia—ward。IstartedaninspectiontrampthroughthesouthernminesofCalifornia。Iwascallowandconceited，andIresolvedtotrythevirtueofmy’nomdeguerre’。
Iverysoonhadanopportunity。Iknockedataminer’slonelylogcabininthefoothillsoftheSierrasjustatnightfall。Itwassnowingatthetime。Ajaded，melancholymanoffifty，barefooted，openedthedoortome。Whenheheardmy’nomdeguerre’helookedmoredejectedthanbefore。Heletmein—prettyreluctantly，Ithought——andafterthecustomarybaconandbeans，blackcoffeeandhotwhisky，Itookapipe。
Thissorrowfulmanhadnotsaidthreewordsuptothistime。Nowhespokeupandsaid，inthevoiceofonewhoissecretlysuffering，"You’rethefourth——I’mgoingtomove。""Thefourthwhat？"saidI。"Thefourthlitterymanthathasbeenhereintwenty—fourhours——I’mgoingtomove。"
"Youdon’ttellme！"saidI；"whoweretheothers？""Mr。Longfellow。
Mr。Emerson，andMr。OliverWendellHolmes——consoundthelot！"
YoucaneasilybelieveIwasinterested。Isupplicated——threehotwhiskiesdidtherest——andfinallythemelancholyminerbegan。Saidhe：
"Theycameherejustatdarkyesterdayevening，andIletthemin，ofcourse。SaidtheyweregoingtotheYosemite。Theywerearoughlot，butthat’snothing；everybodylooksroughthattravelsafoot。
Mr。Emersonwasaseedylittlebitofachap，red—headed。Mr。Holmeswasasfatasaballoon；heweighedasmuchasthreehundered，andhaddoublechinsallthewaydowntohisstomach。Mr。Longfellowwasbuiltlikeaprize—fighter。Hisheadwascroppedandbristly，likeasifhehadawigmadeofhair—brushes。Hisnoselaystraightdowninhisface，likeafingerwiththeendjointtiltedup。Theyhadbeendrinking，Icouldseethat。Andwhatqueertalktheyused！Mr。Holmesinspectedthiscabin，thenhetookmebythebuttonholeandsayshe：
"’ThroughthedeepcavesofthoughtIhearavoicethatsings，"Buildtheemorestatelymansions，Omysoul！"’
"SaysI，’Ican’taffordit，Mr。Holmes，andmoreoverIdon’twantto。’
BlamedifIlikeditprettywell，either，comingfromastrangerthatway。However，IstartedtogetoutmybaconandbeanswhenMr。Emersoncameandlookedonawhile，andthenhetakesmeasidebythebuttonholeandsays：
"’Givemeagatesformymeat；
Givemecantharidstoeat；
Fromairandoceanbringmefoods，Fromallzonesandaltitudes。’
"SaysI，’Mr。Emerson，ifyou’llexcuseme，thisain’tnohotel。’Yousee，itsortofriledme——Iwarn’tusedtothewaysofJitteryswells。
ButIwentona—sweatingovermywork，andnextcomesMr。Longfellowandbuttonholesmeandinterruptsme。Sayshe：
"’HonorbetoMudjekeewis！
YoushallhearhowPau—Puk—Keewis——’
"ButIbrokein，andsaysI，’Begyourpardon，Mr。Longfellow，ifyou’llbesokindastoholdyouryawpforaboutfiveminutesandletmegetthisgrubready，you’lldomeproud。’Well，sir，afterthey’dfilledupIsetoutthejug。Mr。Holmeslooksatitandthenhefiresupallofasuddenandyells：
"’Flashoutastreamofblood—redwine！
ForIwoulddrinktootherdays。’
"ByGeorge，Iwasgettingkindofworkedup。Idon’tdenyit，Iwasgettingkindofworkedup。IturnstoMr。HolmesandsaysI，’Lookyhere，myfatfriend，I’ma—runningthisshanty，andifthecourtknowsherselfyou’lltakewhiskystraightoryou’llgodry。’Them’stheverywordsIsaidtohim。NowIdon’twanttosasssuchfamousLitterypeople，butyouseetheykindofforcedme。Thereain’tnothingonreasonable’boutme。Idon’tmindapasselofguestsa—treadin’onmytailthreeorfourtimes，butwhenitcomestostandingonitit’sdifferent，’andifthecourtknowsherself，’Isays，’you’lltakewhiskystraightoryou’llgodry。’Well，betweendrinksthey’dswellaroundthecabinandstrikeattitudesandspout；andprettysoontheygotoutagreasyolddeckandwenttoplayingeuchreattencentsacorner——ontrust。Ibegantonoticesomeprettysuspiciousthings。Mr。Emersondealt，lookedathishand，shookhishead，says：
"’Iamthedoubterandthedoubt——’
andcalmlybunchedthehandsandwenttoshufflingforanewlay—out。
Sayshe：
"’Theyreckonillwholeavemeout；
TheyknownotwellthesubtlewaysIkeep。
Ipassanddealagain！’
Hang’difhedidn’tgoaheadanddoit，too！Oh，hewasacoolone！
Well，inaboutaminutethingswererunningprettytight，butallofasuddenIseebyMr。Emerson’seyehejudgedhehad’em。Hehadalreadycorralledtwotricksandeachoftheothersone。Sonowhekindofliftsalittleinhischairandsays，"’Itireofglobesandaces！
Toolongthegameisplayed！’
anddownhefetchedarightbower。Mr。Longfellowsmilesassweetaspieandsays，"’Thanks，thankstothee，myworthyfriend，Forthelessonthouhasttaught，’
andblamedifhedidn’tdownwithanotherrightbower！Emersonclapshishandonhisbowie，Longfellowclapshisonhisrevolver，andIwentunderabunk。Therewasgoingtobetrouble；butthatmonstrousHolmesroseup，wobblinghisdoublechins，andsayshe，’Order，gentlemen；thefirstmanthatdrawsI’lllaydownonhimandsmotherhim！’AllquietonthePotomac，youbet！
"Theywereprettyhow—come—you—sobynow，andtheybeguntoblow。
Emersonsays，’ThenoblestthingIeverwrotewas"BarbaraFrietchie。"’
SaysLongfellow，’Itdon’tbeginwithmy"BigelowPapers。"’SaysHolmes，’My"Thanatopsis"laysover’emboth。’Theymightynearendedinafight。
Thentheywishedtheyhadsomemorecompany，andMr。Emersonpointedtomeandsays：
"’IsyondersqualidpeasantallThatthisproudnurserycouldbreed？’
Hewasa—whettinghisbowieonhisboot——soIletitpass。Well，sir，nexttheytookitintotheirheadsthattheywouldlikesomemusic；sotheymademestandupandsing，’WhenJohnnyComesMarchingHome’tillI
dropped——atthirteenminutespastfourthismorning。That’swhatI’vebeenthrough，myfriend。WhenIwokeatseventheywereleaving，thankgoodness，andMr。Longfellowhadmyonlybootsonandhis’nunderhisarm。SaysI，’Holdonthere，Evangeline，whatareyougoingtodowiththem？’Hesays，’Goingtomaketrackswith’em，because——
"’LivesofgreatmenallremindusWecanmakeourlivessublime；
And，departing，leavebehindusFootprintsonthesandsoftime。’
AsIsaid，Mr。Twain，youarethefourthintwenty—fourhoursandI’mgoingtomove；Iain’tsuitedtoaLitteryatmosphere。"
Isaidtotheminer，"Why，mydearsir，thesewerenotthegracioussingerstowhomweandtheworldpaylovingreverenceandhomage；thesewereimpostors。"
Theminerinvestigatedmewithacalmeyeforawhile；thensaidhe，"Ah！
impostors，werethey？Areyou？"
Ididnotpursuethesubject，andsincethenIhavenottraveledonmy’nomdeguerre’enoughtohurt。SuchwasthereminiscenceIwasmovedtocontribute，Mr。Chairman。InmyenthusiasmImayhaveexaggeratedthedetailsalittle，butyouwilleasilyforgivemethatfault，sinceI
believeitisthefirsttimeIhaveeverdeflectedfromperpendicularfactonanoccasionlikethis。
APPENDIXP
THEADAMMONUMENTPETITION
SeeChaptercxxxiv
TOTHEHONORABLESENATEANDHOUSEOFREPRESENTATIVESOFTHEUNITEDSTATES
INCONGRESSASSEMBLED。
WHEREAS，AnumberofcitizensofthecityofElmiraintheStateofNewYorkhavingcovenantedamongthemselvestoerectinthatcityamonumentinmemoryofAdam，thefatherofmankind，beingmovedtheretobyasentimentofloveandduty，andthesehavingappointedtheundersignedtocommunicatewithyourhonorablebody，webegleavetolaybeforeyouthefollowingfactsandappendtothesameourhumblepetition。
1。Asfarasisknownnomonumenthaseverbeenraisedinanypartoftheworldtocommemoratetheservicesrenderedtoourracebythisgreatman，whilstmanymenoffarlessnoteandworshiphavebeenrenderedimmortalbymeansofstatelyandindestructiblememorials。
2。Thecommonfatherofmankindhasbeensufferedtolieinentireneglect，althougheventheFatherofourCountryhasnow，andhashadformanyyears，amonumentincourseofconstruction。
3。Noright—feelinghumanbeingcandesiretoseethisneglectcontinued，butalljustmen，eventothefarthestregionsoftheglobe，shouldandwillrejoicetoknowthathetowhomweoweexistenceisabouttohavereverentandfittingrecognitionofhisworksatthehandsofthepeopleofElmira。Hislaborswerenotinbehalfofonelocality，butfortheextensionofhumanityatlargeandtheblessingswhichgotherewith；
henceallracesandallcolorsandallreligionsareinterestedinseeingthathisnameandfameshallbeplacedbeyondthereachoftheblightofoblivionbyapermanentandsuitablemonument。
4。ItwillbetotheimperishablecreditoftheUnitedStatesifthismonumentshallbesetupwithinherborders；moreover，itwillbeapeculiargracetothebeneficiaryifthistestimonialofaffectionandgratitudeshallbethegiftoftheyoungestofthenationsthathavesprungfromhisloinsafter6，000yearsofunappreciationonthepartofitselders。
5。TheideaofthissacredenterprisehavingoriginatedinthecityofElmira，shewillbealwaysgratefulifthegeneralgovernmentshallencourageherinthegoodworkbysecuringtoheracertainadvantagethroughtheexerciseofitsgreatauthority。
Therefore，YourpetitionersbegthatyourhonorablebodywillbepleasedtoissueadecreerestrictingtoElmiratherighttobuildamonumenttoAdamandinflictingaheavypenaltyuponanyothercommunitywithintheUnitedStatesthatshallproposeorattempttoerectamonumentorothermemorialtothesaidAdam，andtothisendwewilleverpray。
NAMES：100signatures
APPENDIXQ
GENERALGRANT’SGRAMMAR
Writtenin1886。DeliveredatanArmyandNavyClubdinnerinNewYorkCity
Latelyagreatandhonoredauthor，MatthewArnold，hasbeenfindingfaultwithGeneralGrant’sEnglish。Thatwouldbefairenough，maybe，iftheexamplesofimperfectEnglishaveragedmoreinstancestothepageinGeneralGrant’sbookthantheydoinArnold’scriticismonthebook——buttheydonot。Itwouldbefairenough，maybe，ifsuchinstanceswerecommonerinGeneralGrant’sbookthantheyareintheworksoftheaveragestandardauthor——buttheyarenot。Infact，GeneralGrant’sderelictionsinthematterofgrammarandconstructionarenotmorefrequentthansuchderelictionsintheworksofamajorityoftheprofessionalauthorsofourtime，andofallprevioustimes——authorsasexclusivelyandpainstakinglytrainedtotheliterarytradeaswasGeneralGranttothetradeofwar。Thisisnotarandomstatement：itisafact，andeasilydemonstrable。IhaveabookathomecalledModernEnglishLiterature：ItsBlemishesandDefects，byHenryH。Breen，acountrymanofMr。Arnold。InitIfindexamplesofbadgrammarandslovenlyEnglishfromthepensofSydneySmith，Sheridan，Hallam，Whately，Carlyle，Disraeli，Allison，Junius，Blair，Macaulay，Shakespeare，Milton，Gibbon，Southey，Lamb，Landor，Smollett，Walpole，Walkerofthedictionary，ChristopherNorth，KirkWhite，BenjaminFranklin，SirWalterScott，andMr。LindleyMurraywhomadethegrammar。
InMr。Arnold’scriticismonGeneralGrant’sbookwefindtwogrammaticalcrimesandmorethanseveralexamplesofverycrudeandslovenlyEnglish，enoughofthemtoentitlehimtoaloftyplaceintheillustriouslistofdelinquentsjustnamed。
Thefollowingpassageallbyitselfoughttoelecthim：
"MeadesuggestedtoGrantthathemightwishtohaveimmediatelyunderhimSherman，whohadbeenservingwithGrantintheWest。Hebeggedhimnottohesitateifhethoughtitforthegoodoftheservice。Grantassuredhimthathehadnotthoughtofmovinghim，andinhismemoirs，afterrelatingwhathadpassed，headds，etc。"
Toreadthatpassageacoupleoftimeswouldmakeamandizzy；toreaditfourtimeswouldmakehimdrunk。
Mr。Breenmakesthisdiscriminatingremark："Tosupposethatbecauseamanisapoetorahistorianhemustbecorrectinhisgrammaristosupposethatanarchitectmustbeajoiner，oraphysicianacompounderofmedicine。"
Peoplemayhuntoutwhatmicroscopicmotestheyplease，but，afterall，thefactremains，andcannotbedislodged，thatGeneralGrant’sbookisagreatand，initspeculiardepartment，auniqueandunapproachableliterarymasterpiece。Intheirlinethereisnohigherliteraturethanthosemodest，simplememoirs。Theirstyleisatleastflawlessandnomancouldimproveuponit，andgreatbooksareweighedandmeasuredbytheirstyleandmatter，andnotbythetrimmingsandshadingsoftheirgrammar。
Thereisthataboutthesunwhichmakesusforgethisspots，andwhenwethinkofGeneralGrantourpulsesquickenandhisgrammarvanishes；weonlyrememberthatthisisthesimplesoldierwho，alluntaughtofthesilkenphrase—makers，linkedwordstogetherwithanartsurpassingtheartoftheschoolsandputintothemasomethingwhichwillstillbringtoAmericanears，aslongasAmericashalllast，therollofhisvanisheddrumsandthetreadofhismarchinghosts。Whatdowecareforgrammarwhenwethinkofthosethunderousphrases，"Unconditionalandimmediatesurrender，""Iproposetomoveimmediatelyuponyourworks，""Iproposetofightitoutonthislineifittakesallsummer。"Mr。Arnoldwoulddoubtlessclaimthatthatlastphraseisnotstrictlygrammatical，andyetitdidcertainlywakeupthisnationasahundredmilliontonsofA—
number—onefourth—proof，hard—boiled，hide—boundgrammarfromanothermouthcouldnothavedone。Andfinallywehavethatgentlerphrase，thatonewhichshowsyouanothertruesideoftheman，showsyouthatinhissoldierhearttherewasroomforotherthangorywarmottoesandinhistonguethegifttofitlyphrasethem："Letushavepeace。"
APPENDIXR
PARTYALLEGIANCE
BEINGAPORTIONOFAPAPERON"CONSISTENCY，"READBEFORETHEMONDAY
EVENINGCLUBIN1887
SeeChapterclxiii……Ihavereferredtothefactthatwhenamanretiresfromhispoliticalpartyheisatraitor——thatheissopronouncedinplainlanguage。Thatisbold；soboldastodeceivemanyintothefancythatitistrue。Desertion，treason——thesearethetermsapplied。Theirmilitaryformrevealsthethoughtintheman’smindwhousesthem：tohimapoliticalpartyisanarmy。Well，isit？Arethetwothingsidentical？Dotheyevenresembleeachother？Necessarilyapoliticalpartyisnotanarmyofconscripts，fortheyareintheranksbycompulsion。Thenitmustbearegulararmyoranarmyofvolunteers。
Isitaregulararmy？No，fortheseenlistforaspecifiedandwell—
understoodterm，andcanretirewithoutreproachwhenthetermisup。
Isitanarmyofvolunteerswhohaveenlistedforthewar，andmayrighteouslybeshotiftheyleavebeforethewarisfinished？No，itisnotevenanarmyinthatsense。Thosefinemilitarytermsarehigh—
sounding，emptylies，andarenomorerationallyapplicabletoapoliticalpartythantheywouldbetoanoyster—bed。Thevolunteersoldiercomestotherecruitingofficeandstripshimselfandprovesthatheissomanyfeethigh，andhassufficientlygoodteeth，andnofingersgone，andissufficientlysoundinbodygenerally；heisaccepted；butnotuntilhehasswornadeepoathormadeothersolemnformofpromisetomarchunder，thatflaguntilthatwarisdoneorhistermofenlistmentcompleted。Whatistheprocesswhenavoterjoinsaparty？
Mustheprovethatheissoundinanyway，mindorbody？Mustheprovethatheknowsanything——iscapableofanything——whatever？Doeshetakeanoathormakeapromiseofanysort？——ordoesn’theleavehimselfentirelyfree？Ifhewereinformedbythepoliticalbossthatifhejoin，itmustbeforever；thathemustbethatparty’schattelandwearitsbrasscollartherestofhisdays——wouldnotthatinsulthim？Itgoeswithoutsaying。Hewouldsaysomerude，unprintablething，andturnhisbackonthatpreposterousorganization。Butthepoliticalbossputsnoconditionsuponhimatall；andthisvolunteermakesnopromises，enlistsfornostatedterm。Hehasinnosensebecomeapartofanarmy；
heisinnowayrestrainedofhisfreedom。Yethewillpresentlyfindthathisbossesandhisnewspapershaveassumedjustthereverseofthat：
thattheyhaveblandlyarrogatedtothemselvesanironcladmilitaryauthorityoverhim；andwithintwelvemonths，ifheisanaverageman，hewillhavesurrenderedhisliberty，andwillactuallybesillyenoughtobelievethathecannotleavethatparty，foranycausewhatever，withoutbeingashamefultraitor，adeserter，alegitimatelydishonoredman。
Thereyouhavethejustmeasureofthatfreedomofconscience，freedomofopinion，freedomofspeechandactionwhichwehearsomuchinflatedfoolishnessaboutasbeingthepreciouspossessionoftherepublic。
Whereas，intruth，thesurestwayforamantomakeofhimselfatargetforalmostuniversalscorn，obloquy，slander，andinsultistostoptwaddlingaboutthesepricelessindependenciesandattempttoexerciseoneofthem。Ifheisapreacherhalfhiscongregationwillclamorforhisexpulsion——andwillexpelhim，excepttheyfinditwillinjurerealestateintheneighborhood；ifheisadoctorhisowndeadwillturnagainsthim。
Irepeatthatthenewparty—memberwhosupposedhimselfindependentwillpresentlyfindthatthepartyhavesomehowgotamortgageonhissoul，andthatwithinayearhewillrecognizethemortgage，deliveruphisliberty，andactuallybelievehecannotretirefromthatpartyfromanymotivehowsoeverhighandrightinhisowneyeswithoutshameanddishonor。
Isitpossibleforhumanwickednesstoinventadoctrinemoreinfernalandpoisonousthanthis？Isthereimaginableabaserservitudethanitimposes？Whatslaveissodegradedastheslavethatisproudthatheisaslave？Whatistheessentialdifferencebetweenalifelongdemocratandanyotherkindoflifelongslave？Isitlesshumiliatingtodancetothelashofonemasterthananother？
Thisinfamousdoctrineofallegiancetopartyplaysdirectlyintothehandsofpoliticiansofthebasersort——anddoubtlessforthatitwasborrowed——orstolen——fromthemonarchialsystem。Itenablesthemtofoistuponthecountryofficialswhomnoself—respectingmanwouldvoteforifhecouldbutcometounderstandthatloyaltytohimselfishisfirstandhighestduty，notloyaltytoanypartyname。
Shallyousaythebestgoodofthecountrydemandsallegiancetoparty？
Shallyoualsosaythatitdemandsthatamankickhistruthandhisconscienceintothegutterandbecomeamouthinglunaticbesides？Ohno，yousay；itdoesnotdemandthat。Butwhatifitproducethatinspiteofyou？Thereisnoobligationuponamantodothingswhichheoughtnottodowhendrunk，butmostmenwilldothemjustthesame；andsowehearnoargumentsaboutobligationsinthematter——weonlyhearmenwarnedtoavoidthehabitofdrinking；getridofthethingthatcanbetraymenintosuchthings。
Thisisafunnybusinessallaround。ThesamemenwhoenthusiasticallypreachloyalconsistencytochurchandpartyarealwaysreadyandwillingandanxioustopersuadeaChinamanoranIndianoraKanakatodeserthischurchorafellow—Americantodeserthisparty。Themanwhodesertstothemisallthatishighandpureandbeautiful——apparently；themanwhodesertsfromthemisallthatisfoulanddespicable。ThisisConsistency——withacapitalC。
Withthedaintiestandself—complacentestsarcasmthelifelongloyalistscoffsattheIndependent——orashecallshim，withcuttingirony，theMugwump；makeshimselftookillinglyfunnyforanythinginthisworldabouthim。But——theMugwumpcanstandit，forthereisagreathistoryathisback；stretchingdownthecenturies，andhecomesofamightyancestry。Heknowsthatinthewholehistoryoftheraceofmennosinglegreatandhighandbeneficentthingwaseverdoneforthesoulsandbodies，theheartsandthebrainsofthechildrenofthisworld，butaMugwumpstarteditandMugwumpscarriedittovictory：Andtheirnamesarethestateliestinhistory：Washington，Garrison，Galileo，Luther，Christ。Loyaltytopetrifiedopinionsneveryetbrokeachainorfreedahumansoulinthisworld—endneverwill。
APPENDIXS
ORIGINALPREFACEFOR"ACONNECTICUTYANKEEINKINGARTHUR’SCOURT"
SeeChapterclxxii
MyobjecthasbeentogrouptogethersomeofthemostodiouslawswhichhavehadvogueintheChristiancountrieswithinthepasteightortencenturies，andillustratethembytheincidentsofastory。
TherewasneveratimewhenAmericaappliedthedeath—penaltytomorethanfourteencrimes。ButEngland，withinthememoryofmenstillliving，hadinherlistofcrimes223whichwerepunishablebydeath！
AndyetfromthebeginningofourexistencedowntoatimewithinthememoryofbabesEnglandhasdistressedherselfpiteouslyovertheungentlenessofourConnecticutBlueLaws。ThoseBlueLawsshouldhavebeensparedEnglishcriticismfortworeasons：
1。Theyweresoinsipidlymild，bycontrastwiththebloodyandatrociouslawsofEnglandofthesameperiod，astoseemcharacterlessandcolorlesswhenonebringsthemintothatawfulpresence。
2。TheBlueLawsneverhadanyexistence。Theywerethefancy—workofanEnglishclergyman；theywereneverapartofanystatute—book。Andyettheycouldhavebeenmadetoserveausefulandmercifulpurpose；iftheyhadbeeninjectedintotheEnglishlawthedilutionwouldhavegiventothewholealessluridaspect；or，tofiguretheeffectinanotherway，theywouldhavebeencocamixedintovitriol。
IhavedrawnnolawsandnoillustrationsfromthetwincivilizationsofhellandRussia。Tohaveenteredintothatatmospherewouldhavedefeatedmypurpose，whichwastoshowagreatandgenuineprogressinChristendominthesefewlatergenerationstowardmercifulness——awideandgeneralrelaxingofthegripofthelaw。RussiahadtobeleftoutbecauseexiletoSiberiaremains，andinthatsinglepunishmentisgatheredtogetherandconcentratedallthebitterinventionsofalltheblackagesfortheinflictionofsufferinguponhumanbeings。Exileforlifefromone’shearthstoneandone’sidols——thisisrack，thumb—screw，thewater—drop，fagotandstake，tearingasunderbyhorses，flayingalive——alltheseinone；andnotcompactintohours，butdrawnoutintoyears，eachyearacentury，andthewholeamortalimmortalityoftortureanddespair。WhileexiletoSiberiaremainsonewillbeobligedtoadmitthatthereisonecountryinChristendomwherethepunishmentsofalltheagesarestillpreservedandstillinflicted，thatthereisonecountryinChristendomwherenoadvancehasbeenmadetowardmodifyingthemedievalpenaltiesforoffensesagainstsocietyandtheState。
APPENDIXT
ATRIBUTETOHENRYH。ROGERS
SeeChapterccandearlier
April25，1902。IowemoretoHenryRogersthantoanyothermanwhomI
haveknown。HewasborninFairhaven，Connecticut，in1839，andismyjuniorbyfouryears。Hewasgraduatedfromthehighschooltherein1853，whenhewasfourteenyearsold，andfromthattimeforwardheearnedhisownliving，beginningatfirstasthebottomsubordinateinthevillagestorewithhard—workprivilegesandalowsalary。Whenhewastwenty—fourhewentouttothenewlydiscoveredpetroleumfieldsinPennsylvaniaandgotwork；thenreturnedhome，withenoughmoneytopaypassage，marriedaschoolmate，andtookhertotheoilregions。Heprospered，andbyandbyestablishedtheStandardOilTrustwithMr。
Rockefellerandothers，andisstilloneofitsmanagersanddirectors。
In1893wefelltogetherbyaccidentoneeveningintheMurrayHillHotel，andourfriendshipbeganonthespotandatonce。Eversincethenhehasaddedmybusinessaffairstohisownandcarriedthemthrough，andIhavehadnofurthertroublewiththem。Obstructionsandperplexitieswhichwouldhavedrivenmemadweresimplicitiestohismastermindandfurnishedhimnodifficulties。HereleasedmefrommyentanglementswithPaigeandstoppedthatexpensiveoutgo；whenCharlesL。Webster&CompanyfailedhesavedmycopyrightsforMrs。Clemenswhenshewouldhavesacrificedthemtothecreditorsalthoughtheywereinnowayentitledtothem；heofferedtolendmemoneywherewithtosavethelifeofthatworthlessfirm；whenIstartedlecturingaroundtheworldtomakethemoneytopayofftheWebsterdebtshespentmorethanayeartryingtoreconcilethedifferencesbetweenHarper&BrothersandtheAmericanPublishingCompanyandpatchupaworking—contractbetweenthemandsucceededwhereanyothermanwouldhavefailed；asfastasIearnedmoneyandsentittohimhebankeditatinterestandheldontoit，refusingtopayanycreditoruntilhecouldpayallofthe96alike；whenIhadearnedenoughtopaydollarfordollarhesweptofftheindebtednessandsentmethewholebatchofcomplimentaryletterswhichthecreditorswroteinreturn；whenIhadearned$28，500more，$18，500ofwhichwasinhishands，IwrotehimfromViennatoputthelatterintoFederalSteelandleaveitthere；heobeyedtotheextentof$17，500，butsolditintwomonthsat$25，000profit，andsaiditwouldgotenpointshigher，butthatitwashiscustomto"givetheothermanachance"andthatwasatrueword——therewasneveratrueronespoken。Thatwasattheendof’99andbeginningof1900；andfromthatdaytothishehascontinuedtobreakupmybadschemesandputbetteronesintheirplace，tomygreatadvantage。Idothingswhichoughttotryman’spatience，buttheyneverseemtotryhis；healwaysfindsacolorableexcuseforwhatIhavedone。Hissoulwasbornsuperhumanlysweet，andIdonotthinkanythingcansourit。Ihavenotknownhisequalamongmenforlovablequalities。ButforhiscoolheadandwiseguidanceIshouldneverhavecomeoutoftheWebsterdifficultiesontop；itwashisgoodsteeringthatenabledmetoworkoutmysalvationandpayahundredcentsonthedollar——themostvaluableserviceanymaneverdidme。
Hischaracterisfulloffinegraces，butthefinestisthis：thathecanloadyoudownwithcrushingobligationsandthensoconducthimselfthatyouneverfeeltheirweight。Ifhewouldonlyrequiresomethinginreturn——butthatisnotinhisnature；itwouldnotoccurtohim。WiththeHarpersandtheAmericanCompanyatwarthosecopyrightswereworthbutlittle；heengineeredapeaceandmadethemvaluable。Heinvests$100，000formehere，andinafewmonthsreturnsaprofitof$31，000。I
investinLondonandhere$66，000andmustwaitconsiderablyforresultsincasethereshallbeany。Itellhimaboutitandhefindsnofault，uttersnotasarcasm。Hewasbornserene，patient，all—
enduring，whereafriendisconcerned，andnothingcanextinguishthatgreatqualityinhim。Suchamanisentitledtothehighgiftofhumor：
hehasitatitsverybest。HeisnotonlythebestfriendIhaveeverhad，butisthebestmanIhaveknown。
S。L。CLEMENS。
APPENDIXU
FROMMARKTWAIN’SLASTPOEM
BEGUNATRIVERDALE，NEWYORK。FINISHEDATYORKHARBOR，MAINE，AUGUST18，1902
SeeChapterccxxiii
Abereftanddementedmotherspeaks……O，Icanseemydarlingyet：thelittleformInslipofflimsystuffallcreamywhite，Pink—beltedwaistwithamplebows，Blueshoesscarcebiggerthanthehouse—cat’sears——
Caperingindelightandchokedwithglee。
Itwasasummerafternoon；thehillRosegreenabovemeandabout，andinthevalebelowThedistantvillageslept，andalltheworldWassteepedindreams。Uponmelaythispeace，AndIforgotmysorrowinitsspell。AndnowMylittlemaidpassedby，andsheWasdeepinthoughtuponasolemnthing：
Adisobedience，andmyreproof。
UponmyfaceShemustnotlookuntilthedaywasdone；
Forshewasdoingpenance……She？
O，itwasI！Whatmotherknowsnotthat？
Andsoshepassed，Iworshipingandlonging……
Itwasnotwrong？Youdonotthinkmewrong？
Ididitforthebest。IndeedImeantitso。
Sheflitsbeforemenow：
Thepeach—bloomofhergauzycrepe，Theplaitedtailsofhair，Theribbonsfloatingfromthesummerhat，Thegrievingface，dropp’dheadabsorbedwithcare。
O，daintylittleform！
Iseeitmove，recedingslowalongthepath，Byhoveringbutterfliesbesieged；IseeitreachThebreezytopclear—cutagainstthesky，……
Thenpassbeyondandsinkfromsight—forever！
Within，waslightandcheer；without，Ablusteringwinter’sright。Therewasaplay；
Itwasherown；forshehadwroughtitoutUnhelped，fromherownhead—andsheButturnedsixteen！Aprettyplay，Allgracedwithcunningfantasies，Andhappysongs，andpeopledallwithfays，Andsylvangodsandgoddesses，Andshepherds，too，thatpipedanddanced，AndworetheguilelesshoursawayIncare—freerompsandgames。
Hergirlhoodmatesplayedinthepiece，Andsheaswell：agoddess，she，——
Andlookedit，asitseemedtome。
’Twasfairylandrestored—sobeautifulitwasAndinnocent。Itmadeuscry，weelderones，Toliveourlostyoutho’eragainWiththeseitshappyheirs。
Slowly，atlast，thecurtainfell。
Beforeus，there，shestood，allwreathedanddrapedInrosespearledwithdew—sosweet，soglad，Soradiant！——andflunguskissesthroughthestormOfpraisethatcrownedhertriumph……O，AcrossthemistsoftimeIseeheryet，MyGoddessoftheFlowers！……Thecurtainhidher……
Doyoucomprehend？Tilltimeshallend！
OutofmylifeshevanishedwhileIlooked！……Tenyearsareflown。
O，Ihavewatchedsolong，Solong。Butshewillcomenomore。
No，shewillcomenomore。
Itseemssostrange……sostrange……
Struckdownunwarned！
Intheunboughtgrace，ofyouthlaidlow——
Inthegloryofherfreshyoungbloomlaidlow——
Inthemorningofherlifecutdown！
AndInotby！NotbyWhentheshadowsfell，thenightofdeathcloseddownThesunthatlitmylifewentout。NotbytoanswerWhenthelatestwhisperpassedthelipsThatweresodeartome——myname！
Farfrommypost！theworld’swholebreadthaway。
O，sinkinginthewavesofdeathshecriedtomeFormother—help，andgotforanswerSilence！
Wethatareold——wecomprehend；evenweThatarenotmad：whosegrown—upscionsstillabide；
Theirtalecomplete：
TheirearlierselvesweglimpseatintervalsFarinthedimmingpast；
Weseethelittleformsasoncetheywere，Andwhilstweachetotakethemtoourhearts，Thevisionfades。Weknowthemlosttous——
Foreverlost；wecannothavethemback；
Wemissthemaswemissthedead，Wemournthemaswemournthedead。
APPENDIXV
SELECTIONSFROMANUNFINISHEDBOOK，"3，000YEARSAMONGTHEMICROBES"
THEAUTOBIOGRAPHYOFAMICROBE，WHO，INAFORMEREXISTENCE，HADBEENA
MAN——HISPRESENTHABITATBEINGTHEORGANISMOFATRAMP，BLITZOWSKI。
WRITTENATDUBLIN，NEWHAMPSHIRE，1905
SeeChapterccxxxv
Ourworldthetrampisaslargeandgrandandawe—compellingtousmicroscopiccreaturesasisman’sworldtoman。Ourtrampismountainous，therearevastoceansinhim，andlakesthataresea—likeforsize，therearemanyriversveinsandarterieswhicharefifteenmilesacross，andofalengthsostupendousastomaketheMississippiandtheAmazontriflinglittleRhodeIslandbrooksbycomparison。Asforourminorrivers，theyaremultitudinous，andthedutiablecommerceofdiseasewhichtheycarryisrichbeyondthedreamsoftheAmericancustom—house。
TakeamanlikeSirOliverLodge，andwhatsecretofNaturecanbehiddenfromhim？Hesays："Abillion，thatisamillionmillions，[？？TrillionD。W。]ofatomsistrulyanimmensenumber，buttheresultingaggregateisstillexcessivelyminute。Aportionofsubstanceconsisting，ofabillionatomsisonlybarelyvisiblewiththehighestpowerofamicroscope；andaspeckorgranule，inordertobevisibletothenakedeye，likeagrainoflycopodium—dust，mustbeamilliontimesbiggerstill。"
Thehumaneyecouldseeitthen——thatdaintylittlespeck。Butwithmymicrobe—eyeIcouldseeeveryindividualofthewhirlingbillionsofatomsthatcomposethespeck。Nothingiseveratrest——wood，iron，water，everythingisalive，everythingisraging，whirling，whizzing，dayandnightandnightandday，nothingisdead，thereisnosuchthingasdeath，everythingisfullofbristlinglife，tremendouslife，eventhebonesofthecrusaderthatperishedbeforeJerusalemeightcenturiesago。
Therearenovegetables，allthingsareanimal；eachelectronisananimal，eachmoleculeisacollectionofanimals，andeachhasanappointeddutytoperformandasoultobesaved。Heavenwasnotmadeformanalone，andoblivionandneglectreservedfortherestofHiscreatures。Hegavethemlife，Hegavethemhumbleservicestoperform，theyhaveperformedthem，andtheywillnotbeforgotten，theywillhavetheirreward。Man—alwaysvain，windy，conceited—thinkshewillbeinthemajoritythere。Hewillbedisappointed。Lethimhumblehimself。Butforthedespisedmicrobeandthepersecutedbacillus，whoneededahomeandnourishment，hewouldnothavebeencreated。Hehasamission，thereforeareasonforexisting：lethimdotheservicehewasmadefor，andkeepquiet。
ThreeweeksagoIwasamanmyself，andthoughtandfeltasmenthinkandfeel；Ihavelived3，000yearssincethen[microbictime]，andIseethefoolishnessofitnow。Welivetolearn，andfortunatearewewhenwearewiseenoughtoprofitbyit。
Inmatterspertainingtomicroscopywenecessarilyhaveanadvantagehereoverthescientistoftheearth，because，asIhavejustbeenindicating，weseewithournakedeyesminutenesseswhichnoman—mademicroscopecandetect，andarethereforeabletoregisterasfactsmanythingswhichexistforhimastheoriesonly。Indeed，weknowasfactsseveralthingswhichhehasnotyetdivinedevenbytheory。Forexample，hedoesnotsuspectthatthereisnolifebutanimallife，andthatallatomsareindividualanimalsendowedeachwithacertaindegreeofconsciousness，greatorsmall，eachwithlikesanddislikes，predilectionsandaversions——that，inaword，eachhasacharacter，acharacterofitsown。
Yetsuchisthecase。Someofthemoleculesofastonehaveanaversionforsomeofthoseofavegetableoranyothercreatureandwillnotassociatewiththem——andwouldnotbeallowedto，iftheytried。Nothingismoreparticularaboutsocietythanamolecule。Andsotherearenoendofcastes；inthismatterIndiaisnotacircumstance。
"Tellme，Franklin[amicrobeofgreatlearning]，istheoceananindividual，ananimal，acreature？"
"Yes。"
"Thenwater——anywater—isanindividual？"
"Yes。"
"Supposeyouremoveadropofit？Iswhatisleftanindividual？"
"Yes，andsoisthedrop。"
"Supposeyoudividethedrop？"
"Thenyouhavetwoindividuals。"
"Supposeyouseparatethehydrogenandtheoxygen？"
"Againyouhavetwoindividuals。Butyouhaven’twateranymore。"
"Ofcourse。Certainly。Well，supposeyoucombinethemagain，butinanewway：maketheproportionsequal——onepartoxygentooneofhydrogen？"
"Butyouknowyoucan’t。Theywon’tcombineonequalterms。"