"Thinkofit！"hewroteTwichell。"Twooldrebelsfunctioningthere：I
aspresidentandWattersonasoratoroftheday！Thingshavechangedsomewhatinthesefortyyears，thankGod！"
TheWattersonintroductionisoneofthechoicestofMarkTwain’sspeeches——apureandperfectexampleofsimpleeloquence，worthyoftheoccasionwhichgaveitutterance，worthyinspiteofitsplayfulparagraphsorevenbecauseofthem，forLincolnwouldhavelovedthem，tobecomethematrixofthatimperishableGettysburgphrasewithwhichhemakeshisclimax。HeopenedbydwellingforamomentonColonelWattersonasasoldier，journalist，orator，statesman，andpatriot；thenhesaid：
Itisacuriouscircumstancethatwithoutcollusionofanykind，butmerelyinobediencetoastrangeandpleasantanddramaticfreakofdestiny，heandI，kinsmenbyblood——[ColonelWatterson’sforebearshadintermarriedwiththeLamptons。]——forwearethat——andone—timerebels——forwewerethat——shouldbechosenoutofamillionsurvivingquondamrebelstocomehereandbareourheadsinreverenceandloveofthatnoblesoulwhom40yearsagowetriedwithallourheartsandallourstrengthtodefeatanddispossess——
AbrahamLincoln！IstheRebellionendedandforgotten？AretheBlueandtheGrayoneto—day？Byauthorityofthissignwemayansweryes；therewasaRebellion——thatincidentisclosed。
IwasbornandrearedinaslaveState，myfatherwasaslaveowner；
andintheCivilWarIwasasecondlieutenantintheConfederateservice。Forawhile。Thissecondcousinofmine，ColonelWatterson，theoratorofthispresentoccasion，wasbornandrearedinaslaveState，wasacolonelintheConfederateservice，andrenderedmesuchassistanceashecouldinmyself—appointedgreattaskofannihilatingtheFederalarmiesandbreakinguptheUnion。
Ilaidmyplanswithwisdomandforesight，andifColonelWattersonhadobeyedmyordersIshouldhavesucceededinmygiantundertaking。ItwasmyintentiontodriveGeneralGrantintothePacific——ifIcouldgettransportation——andItoldColonelWattersontosurroundtheEasternarmiesandwaittillIcame。Buthewasinsubordinate，andstooduponapunctilioofmilitaryetiquette；herefusedtotakeordersfromasecondlieutenant——andtheUnionwassaved。Thisisthefirsttimethatthissecrethasbeenrevealed。
Untilnownooneoutsidethefamilyhasknownthefacts。Buttheretheystand：WattersonsavedtheUnion。Yettothisdaythatmangetsnopension。Thoseweregreatdays，splendiddays。Whatanuprisingitwas！Fortheheartsofthewholenation，NorthandSouth，wereinthewar。WeoftheSouthwerenotashamed；for，likethemenoftheNorth，wewerefightingfor’flagsweloved；andwhenmenfightforthesethings，andundertheseconvictions，withnothingsordidtotarnishtheircause，thatcauseisholy，thebloodspiltforitissacred，thelifethatislaiddownforitisconsecrated。To—daywenolongerregrettheresult，to—daywearegladitcameoutasitdid，butwearenotashamedthatwedidourendeavor；wedidourbravestbest，againstdespairingodds，forthecausewhichwasprecioustousandwhichourconsciencesapproved；
andweareproud——andyouareproud——thekindredbloodinyourveinsanswerswhenIsayit——youareproudoftherecordwemadeinthosemightycollisionsinthefields。
Whatanuprisingitwas！Wedidnothavetosupplicateforsoldiersoneitherside。"Wearecoming，FatherAbraham，threehundredthousandstrong！"ThatwasthemusicNorthandSouth。TheverychoicestyoungbloodandbrawnandbrainroseupfromMainetotheGulfandflockedtothestandards——justasmenalwaysdowhenintheireyestheircauseisgreatandfineandtheirheartsareinit；
justasmenflockedtotheCrusades，sacrificingalltheypossessedtothecause，andenteringcheerfullyuponhardshipswhichwecannotevenimagineinthisage，andupontoilsomeandwastingjourneyswhichinourtimewouldbetheequivalentofcircumnavigatingtheglobefivetimesover。
NorthandSouthweputourheartsintothatcolossalstruggle，andoutofitcametheblessedfulfilmentoftheprophecyoftheimmortalGettysburgspeechwhichsaid："Weherehighlyresolvethatthesedeadshallnothavediedinvain；thatthisnation，underGod，shallhaveanewbirthoffreedom；andthatagovernmentofthepeople，bythepeople，forthepeople，shallnotperishfromtheearth。"
Weareheretohonorthebirthdayofthegreatestcitizen，andthenoblestandthebest，afterWashington，thatthislandoranyotherhasyetproduced。Theoldwoundsarehealed，youandwearebrothersagain；youtestifyitbyhonoringtwoofus，oncesoldiersoftheLostCause，andfoesofyourgreatandgoodleader——withtheprivilegeofassistinghere；andwetestifyitbylayingourhonesthomageatthefeetofAbrahamLincoln，andinforgettingthatyouoftheNorthandweoftheSouthwereeverenemies，andrememberingonlythatwearenowindistinguishablyfusedtogetherandnameablebyonecommongreatname——Americans！
CCXIV
MARKTWAINANDTHEMISSIONARIES
MarkTwainhadreallybegunhiscrusadeforreformsoonafterhisarrivalinAmericainapracticalhand—to—handmanner。Hishousekeeper，KatieLeary，onenightemployedacabmantodriveherfromtheGrandCentralStationtothehouseat14WestTenthStreet。Nocontracthadbeenmadeastoprice，andwhenshearrivedtherethecabman’sextortionatechargewasrefused。Hepersistedinit，andshesentintothehouseforheremployer。Ofallmen，MarkTwainwasthelastonetocountenanceanextortion。Hereasonedwiththemankindlyenoughatfirst；whenthedriveratlastbecameabusiveClemensdemandedhisnumber，whichwasatfirstrefused。Intheendhepaidthelegalfare，andinthemorningenteredaformalcomplaint，somethingaltogetherunexpected，fortheAmericanpublicisaccustomedtosufferingalmostanysortofimpositiontoavoidtroubleandpublicity。
InsomenoteswhichClemenshadmadeinLondonfouryearsearlierhewrote：
Ifyoucallapolicemantosettlethedisputeyoucandependononething——hewilldecideitagainstyoueverytime。AndsowilltheNewYorkpoliceman。InLondonifyoucarryyourcaseintocourtthemanthatisentitledtowinitwillwinit。InNewYork——butnoonecarriesacabcaseintocourtthere。Itismyimpressionthatitisnowmorethanthirtyyearssinceanyonehascarriedacabcaseintocourtthere。
Nevertheless，hewaspromptlyonhandwhenthecasewascalledtosustainthechargeandtoreadthecabdrivers’unionandthepublicingeneralalessoningood—citizenship。Attheendofthehearing，toarepresentativeoftheunionhesaid：
"Thisisnotamatterofsentiment，mydearsir。Itissimplypracticalbusiness。YoucannotimaginethatIammakingmoneywastinganhourortwoofmytimeprosecutingacaseinwhichIcanhavenopersonalinterestwhatever。Iamdoingthisjustasanycitizenshoulddo。Hehasnochoice。Hehasadistinctduty。Heisanon—classifiedpoliceman。Everycitizenis，apoliceman，anditishisdutytoassistthepoliceandthemagistracyineverywayhecan，andgivehistime，ifnecessary，todoso。Hereisamanwhoisaperfectlynaturalproductofaninfamoussysteminthiscity——achargeuponthelaxpatriotisminthiscityofNewYorkthatthisthingcanexist。Youhaveencouragedhim，ineverywayyouknowhowtoovercharge。Heisnotthecriminalhereatall。ThecriminalisthecitizenofNewYorkandtheabsenceofpatriotism。Iamnotheretoavengemyselfonhim。Ihavenoquarrelwithhim。MyquarreliswiththecitizensofNewYork，whohaveencouragedhim，andwhocreatedhimbyencouraginghimtooverchargeinthisway。"
Thedriver’slicensewassuspended。Thecasemadeastirinthenewspapers，anditisnotlikelythatanyoneincidentevercontributedmoretocab—drivingmoralsinNewYorkCity。
ButClemenshadlargermattersthanthisinprospect。Hismanyspeechesonmunicipalandnationalabuseshefeltweremoreorlessephemeral。Heproposednowtowritehimselfdownmoresubstantiallyandforawiderhearing。Thehumanracewasbehavingverybadly：unspeakablecorruptionwasrampantinthecity；theBoerswerebeingoppressedinSouthAfrica；
thenativeswerebeingmurderedinthePhilippines；LeopoldofBelgiumwasmassacringandmutilatingtheblacksintheCongo，andthealliedpowers，inthecauseofChrist，wereslaughteringtheChinese。Inhislettershehadmorethanonceboiledovertouchingthesematters，andforNew—Year’sEve，1900，hadwritten：
AGREETINGFROMTHENINETEENTHTOTHETWENTIETHCENTURY
IbringyouthestatelynationnamedChristendom，returning，bedraggled，besmirched，anddishonored，frompirateraidsinKiao—
Chou，Manchuria，SouthAfrica，andthePhilippines，withhersoulfullofmeanness，herpocketfullofboodle，andhermouthfullofpioushypocrisies。Givehersoapandtowel，buthidethelooking—
glass。——[PreparedforRedCrossSocietywatch—meeting，whichwaspostponeduntilMarch。Clemensrecalledhis"Greeting"forthatreasonandforoneother，whichheexpressedthus："Thelistofgreetersthusfarissuedbyyoucontainsonlyvaguegeneralitiesandonedefinitename——mine：’SomekingsandqueensandMarkTwain。’NowIamnotenjoyingthissparklingsolitudeanddistinction。Itmakesmefeellikeacircus—posterinagraveyard。"]
Thiswasasortofpreliminary。Then，restraininghimselfnolonger，heembodiedhissentimentsinanarticlefortheNorthAmericanReviewentitled，"TothePersonSittinginDarkness。"Therewascryingneedforsomeonetospeaktherightword。Hewasabouttheonlyonewhocoulddoitandbecertainofauniversalaudience。HetookashistextsomeChristmasEveclippingsfromtheNewYorkTribuneandSunwhichhehadbeensavingforthispurpose。TheTribuneclippingsaid：
ChristmaswilldawnintheUnitedStatesoverapeoplefullofhopeandaspirationandgoodcheer。Suchaconditionmeanscontentmentandhappiness。Thecarpinggrumblerwhomayhereandtheregoforthwillfindfewtolistentohim。Themajoritywillwonderwhatisthematterwithhim，andpasson。
ASunclippingdepictedthe"terribleoffensesagainsthumanitycommittedinthenameofpoliticsinsomeofthemostnotoriousEastSidedistricts"——theunmissionaried，unpoliceddarkerNewYork。TheSundeclaredthattheycouldnotbepicturedevenverbally。Butitsuggestedenoughtomakethereadershudderatthehideousdepthsofviceinthesectionsnamed。Anotherclippingfromthesamepaperreportedthe"Rev。Mr。
Ament，oftheAmericanBoardofForeignMissions，"ashavingcollectedindemnitiesforBoxerdamagesinChinaattherateofthreehundredtaelsforeachmurder，"fullpaymentforalldestroyedpropertybelongingtoChristians，andnationalfinesamountingtothirteentimestheindemnity。"ItquotedMr。AmentassayingthatthemoneysoobtainedwasusedforthepropagationoftheGospel，andthattheamountsocollectedwasmoderatewhencomparedwiththeamountsecuredbytheCatholics，whohaddemanded，inadditiontomoney，lifeforlife，thatistosay，"headforhead"——inonedistrictsixhundredandeightyheadshavingbeensocollected。
ThedespatchmadeMr。Amentsayagreatdealmorethanthis，butthegisthereisenough。MarkTwain，ofcourse，wasfiercelystirred。Themissionaryideahadseldomappealedtohim，andcoupledwiththisbusinessofbloodshed，itwaslessattractivethanusual。Heprintedtheclippingsinfull，onefollowingtheother；thenhesaid：
ByhappyluckwegetallthesegladtidingsonChristmasEve——justthetimetoenableustocelebratethedaywithpropergaietyandenthusiasm。Ourspiritssoarandwefindwecanevenmakejokes；
taelsIwin，headsyoulose。
HewentontoscoreAment，tocomparethemissionarypolicyinChinatothatofthePawneeIndians，andtoproposeforhimamonument——
subscriptionstobesenttotheAmericanBoard。HedenouncedthenationalpoliciesinAfrica，China，andthePhilippines，andshowedbythereportsandbytheprivatelettersofsoldiershome，howcruelandbarbarousandfiendishhadbeenthewarfaremadebythosewhoseavowedpurposewastocarrytheblessedlightofcivilizationandGospel"tothebenightednative"——howinverytruththesepricelessblessingshadbeenhandedonthepointofabayonettothe"PersonSittinginDarkness。"
MarkTwainneverwroteanythingmorescorching，morepenetratinginitssarcasm，morefearfulinitsrevelationofinjusticeandhypocrisy，thanhisarticle"TothePersonSittinginDarkness。"Heputaquafortisonalltherawplaces，andwhenitwasfinishedhehimselfdoubtedthewisdomofprintingit。Howells，however，agreedthatitshouldbepublished，and"itoughttobeillustratedbyDanBeard，"headded，"withsuchpicturesashemadefortheYankeeinKingArthur’sCourt，butyou’dbetterhangyourselfafterward。"
MeetingBeardafewdayslater，Clemensmentionedthematterandsaid：
"Soifyoumakethepictures，youhangwithme。"
Butpictureswerenotrequired。ItwaspublishedintheNorthAmericanReviewforFebruary，1901，astheopeningarticle；afterwhichthecyclone。Twostormsmovinginoppositedirectionsproduceacyclone，andthestormsimmediatelydeveloped；oneallforMarkTwainandhisprinciples，theotherallagainsthim。EverypaperinEnglandandAmericacommentedoniteditorially，withbitterdenunciationsorwitheagerpraise，accordingtotheirlightsandconvictions。
At14WestTenthStreetletters，newspaperclippings，documentspouredinbythebushel——laudations，vituperations，denunciations，vindications；nosuchtumulteveroccurredinapeacefulliteraryhome。Itwasreallyasifhehadthrownagreatmissileintothehumanhive，one—halfofwhichregardeditasaballofhoneyandtheremainderasacobblestone。
Whateverothereffectitmayhavehad，itleftnothinkingpersonunawakened。
Clemensreveledinit。W。A。Rogers，inHarper’sWeekly，caricaturedhimasTomSawyerinasnowfort，assailedbytheshowerofsnowballs，"havingthetimeofhislife。"Anotherartist，FredLewis，picturedhimasHuckFinnwithagun。
TheAmericanBoardwasnaturallydisturbed。TheAmentclippingwhichClemenshadusedhadbeenpublicpropertyformorethanamonth——itsauthenticityneverdenied；butitwasimmediatelydeniednow，andthecablekepthotwithinquiries。
TheRev。JudsonSmith，oneoftheboard，tookupthedefenseofDr。
Ament，declaringhimtobeonewhohadsufferedforthecause，andaskedMarkTwain，whose"brilliantarticle，"hesaid，"wouldproduceaneffectquitebeyondthereachofplainargument，"nottodoaninnocentmananinjustice。Clemensinthesamepaperrepliedthatsuchwasnothisintent，thatMr。Amentinhisreporthadsimplyarraignedhimself。
Thenitsuddenlydevelopedthatthecablereporthad"grosslyexaggerated"theamountofMr。Ament’scollections。Insteadofthirteentimestheindemnityitshouldhaveread"oneandathirdtimes"theindemnity；whereupon，inanotheropenletter，theboarddemandedretractionandapology。Clemenswouldnotfailtomaketheapology——atleasthewouldexplain。Itwaspreciselythekindofthingthatwouldappealtohim——thedelicatemoraldifferencebetweenademandthirteentimesasgreatasitshouldbeandademandthatwasonlyoneandathirdtimesthecorrectamount。"ToMyMissionaryCritics，"intheNorthAmericanReviewforApril1901，washisformalandsomewhatlengthyreply。
"Ihavenoprejudiceagainstapologies，"hewrote。"ItrustIshallneverwithholdonewhenitisdue。"
Hethenproceededtomakeouthiscasecategorically。Touchingtheexaggeratedindemnity，hesaid：
ToDr。Smiththe"thirteen—fold—extra"clearlystoodfor"theftandextortion，"andhewasright，distinctlyright，indisputablyright。Hemanifestlythinksthatwhenitgotscaledawaydowntoamere"one—third"
alittlethinglikethatwassomeotherthan"theftandextortion。"Why，onlytheboardknows！
Iwilltrytoexplainthisdifficultproblemsothattheboardcangetanideaofit。IfapauperowesmeadollarandIcatchhimunprotectedandmakehimpaymefourteendollarsthirteenofitis"theftandextortion。"
IfImakehimpayonlyonedollarthirty—threeandathirdcentsthethirty—threeandathirdcentsare"theftandextortion，"justthesame。
Iwillputitinanotherwaystillsimpler。Ifamanowesmeonedog——
anykindofadog，thebreedisofnoconsequence——andI——butletitgo；
theboardwouldneverunderstandit。Itcan’tunderstandtheseinvolvedanddifficultthings。
Heofferedsomefurtherillustrations，includingthe"TaleofaKingandHisTreasure"andanothertaleentitled"TheWatermelons。"
Ihaveitnow。Manyyearsago，whenIwasstudyingforthegallows，Ihadadearcomrade，ayouthwhowasnotinmyline，butstillascrupulouslygoodfellowthoughdevious。Hewaspreparingtoqualifyforaplaceontheboard，fortherewasgoingtobeavacancybysuperannuationinaboutfiveyears。ThiswasdownSouth，intheslaverydays。Itwasthenatureofthenegrothen，asnow，tostealwatermelons。Theystolethreeofthemelonsofanadoptivebrotherofmine，theonlygoodoneshehad。Isuspectedthreeofaneighbor’snegroes，buttherewasnoproof，and，besides，thewatermelonsinthosenegroes’privatepatcheswereallgreenandsmallandnotuptoindemnitystandard。Butintheprivatepatchesofthreeothernegroestherewasanumberofcompetentmelons。I
consultedwithmycomrade，theunderstudyoftheboard。HesaidthatifIwouldapprovehisarrangementshewouldarrange。Isaid，"Considermetheboard；Iapprove；arrange。"Sohetookagunandwentandcollectedthreelargemelonsformybrother—on—the—
halfshell，andoneover。Iwasgreatlypleasedandasked：
"Whogetstheextraone？"
"Widowsandorphans。"
"Agoodidea，too。Whydidn’tyoutakethirteen？"
"Itwouldhavebeenwrong；acrime，，infact—theftandextortion。"
"Whatistheone—thirdextra——theoddmelon——thesame？"
Itcausedhimtoreflect。Buttherewasnoresult。
Thejusticeofthepeacewasasternman。Onthetrialhefoundfaultwiththeschemeandrequiredustoexplainuponwhatwebasedourstrangeconduct——ashecalledit。Theunderstudysaid：
"Onthecustomoftheniggers。Theyalldoit。"——[ThepointhadbeenmadebytheboardthatitwastheChinesecustomtomaketheinhabitantsofavillageresponsibleforindividualcrimes；andcustom，likewise，tocollectathirdinexcessofthedamage，suchsurplushavingbeenappliedtothesupportofwidowsandorphansoftheslainconverts。]
Thejusticeforgothisdignityanddescendedtosarcasm。
"Customoftheniggers！Areourmoralssoinadequatethatwehavetoborrowofniggers？"
Thenhesaidtothejury："Threemelonswereowing；theywerecollectedfrompersonsnotproventoowethem：thisistheft；theywerecollectedbycompulsion：thisisextortion。Amelonwasaddedforthewidowsandorphans。Itwasowedbynoone。Itisanothertheft，anotherextortion。Returnitwhenceitcame，withtheothers。Itisnotpermissibleheretoapplytoanypurposegoodsdishonestlyobtained；noteventothefeedingofwidowsandorphans，forthiswouldbetoputashameuponcharityanddishonorit。"
Hesaiditinopencourt，beforeeverybody，andtomeitdidnotseemverykind。
ItwasinthemidstofthetumultthatClemens，perhapsfeelingtheneedofsacredmelody，wrotetoAndrewCarnegie：
DEARSIR&FRIEND，——Youseemtobeinprosperity。Couldyoulendanadmirer$1。50tobuyahymn—bookwith？Godwillblessyou。Ifeelit；
Iknowit。
N。B。——Ifthereshouldbeotherapplications，thisonenottocount。
Yours，MARK。
P。S。—Don’tsendthehymn—book；sendthemoney；Iwanttomaketheselectionmyself。
Carnegieanswered：
Nothinglessthanatwo—dollar&ahalfhymn—bookgiltwilldoforyou。Yourplaceinthechoircelestialdemandsthat&youshallhaveit。
There’sanewGospelofSaintMarkintheNorthAmericanwhichI
likebetterthananythingI’vereadformanyaday。
Iamwillingtoborrowathousanddollarstodistributethatsacredmessageinproperform，&iftheauthordon’tobjectmayIsendthatsum，whenIcanraiseit，totheAnti—ImperialistLeague，Boston，towhichIamacontributor，theonlymissionaryworkIamresponsiblefor。
Justtellmeyouarewilling&manythousandsoftheholylittlemissalswillgoforth。Thisinimitablesatireistobecomeaclassic。IcountamongmyprivilegesinlifethatIknowyou，theauthor。
PerhapsafewmoreofthelettersinvitedbyMarkTwain’scriticismofmissionaryworkinChinamaystillbeofinteresttothereader：
FrederickT。Cook，oftheHospitalSaturdayandSundayAssociation，wrote："IhailyouastheVoltaireofAmerica，。Itisanobledistinction。Godblessyouandseethatyouwearynotinwell—doinginthisnoblest，sublimestofcrusades。"
Ministerswerebynomeansallagainsthim。TheassociatepastoroftheEvery—dayChurch，inBoston，sentthisline："IwanttothankyouforyourmatchlessarticleinthecurrentNorthAmerican。Itmustmakeconvertsofwell—nighallwhoreadit。"
ButaBostonschool—teacherwasangry。"IhavebeenreadingtheNorthAmerican，"shewrote，"andIamfilledwithshameandremorsethatIhavedreamedofaskingyoutocometoBostontotalktotheteachers。"
OntheoutsideoftheenvelopeClemensmadethispencilnote：
"Now，IsupposeIoffendedthatyoungladybyhavinganopinionofmyown，insteadofwaitingandcopyinghers。Ineverthought。Isupposeshemustbeasmuchastwenty—five，andprobablytheonlypatriotinthecountry。"
Acriticwithasenseofhumorasked："Pleaseexcuseseemingimpertinence，butwereyoueveradjudgedinsane？Behonest。HowmuchmoneydoesthedevilgiveyouforarraigningChristianityandmissionarycauses？"
Butthereweremoreofthebettersort。EdwardS。Martin，inagratefulletter，said："Howgratifyingitistofeelthatwehaveamanamonguswhounderstandstherarityoftheplaintruth，andwhodelightstoutterit，andhasthegiftofdoingsowithoutcantandwithnottoomuchseriousness。"
SirHiramMaximwrote："Igiveyoumycandidopinionthatwhatyouhavedoneisofverygreatvaluetothecivilizationoftheworld。Thereisnomanlivingwhosewordscarrygreaterweightthanyourown，asnoone’swritingsaresoeagerlysoughtafterbyallclasses。"
Clemenshimselfinhisnote—booksetdownthisaphorism：
"Dorightandyouwillbeconspicuous。"
CCXV
SUMMERAT"THELAIR"
InJuneClemenstookthefamilytoSaranacLake，toAmpersand。Theyoccupiedalogcabinwhichhecalled"TheLair，"onthesouthshore，nearthewater’sedge，aremoteandbeautifulplacewhere，ashadhappenedbefore，theyweresocomfortableandsatisfiedthattheyhopedtoreturnanothersummer。Therewereswimmingandboatingandlongwalksinthewoods；theworryandnoiseoftheworldwerefaraway。Theygavelittleenoughattentiontothemails。Theytookonlyaweeklypaper，andwerelikelytoallowittolieinthepostofficeuncalledfor。Clemens，especially，lovedtheplace，andwrotetoTwichell：
Iamonthefrontporchlowerone—maindeckofourlittlebijouofadwelling—house。ThelakeedgeLowerSaranacissonearlyundermethatIcan’tseetheshore，butonlythewater，small—poxedwithrainsplashes——forthereisaheavydownpour。Itischarminglylikesittingsnuggleduponaship’sdeckwiththestretchingseaallaroundbutverymuchmoresatisfactory，foratseaarainstormisdepressing，whilehereofcoursetheeffectengenderedisjustadeepsenseofcomfort&contentment。Theheavyforestshutsussolidlyinonthreesides——therearenoneighbors。Therearebeautifullittletan—coloredimpudentsquirrelsabout。Theytaketea5P。M。notinvitedatthetableinthewoodswhereJeandoesmytypewriting，&oneofthemhasbeenbraveenoughtosituponJean’skneewithhistailcurvedoverhisback&munchhisfood。
Theycometodinner7P。M。onthefrontporchnotinvited，butClaradrivesthemaway。Itisanoccupationwhichrequiressomeindustry&attentiontobusiness。Theyallhavetheonename—
Blennerhasset，fromBurr’sfriend——&noneofthemanswerstoitexceptwhenhungry。
Clemenscouldworkat"TheLair，"oftenwritinginshadyseclusionsalongtheshore，andhefinishedtherethetwo—partserial，——[PublishedinHarper’sMagazineforJanuaryandFebruary，1902。]——"TheDouble—
BarrelledDetectiveStory，"intendedoriginallyasaburlesqueonSherlockHolmes。Itdidnotaltogetherfulfilitspurpose，andishardlytoberankedasoneofMarkTwain’ssuccesses。Itcontains，however，oneparagraphatleastbywhichitislikelytoberemembered，ahoax——hislastone——onthereader。Itrunsasfollows：
ItwasacrispandspicymorninginearlyOctober。Thelilacsandlaburnums，litwiththeglory—firesofautumn，hungburningandflashingintheupperair，afairybridgeprovidedbykindnatureforthewinglesswildthingsthathavetheirhomeinthetree—topsandwouldvisittogether；thelarchandthepomegranateflungtheirpurpleandyellowflamesinbrilliantbroadsplashesalongtheslantingsweepofwoodland，thesensuousfragranceofinnumerabledeciduousflowersroseupontheswooningatmosphere，farintheemptyskyasolitaryoesophagussleptuponmotionlesswing；
everywherebroodedstillness，serenity，andthepeaceofGod。
Thewarmlightandluxuryofthisparagrapharefactitious。Thecarefulreaderwill，notethatitsvariousaccessoriesareridiculouslyassociated，andonlythemostcarelessreaderwillaccepttheoesophagusasabird。Butitdisturbedagreatmanyadmirers，andnumerouslettersofinquirycamewantingtoknowwhatitwasallabout。Somesuspectedthejokeandtauntedhimwithit；onesuchcorrespondentwrote：
MYDEARMARKTWAIN，——Readingyour"Double—BarrelledDetectiveStory"
intheJanuaryHarper’slateonenightIcametotheparagraphwhereyousobeautifullydescribe"acrispandspicymorninginearlyOctober。"Ireadalongdowntheparagraph，consciousonlyofitswoozysound，untilIbroughtupwithastartagainstyouroesophagusintheemptysky。ThenIreadtheparagraphagain。Oh，MarkTwain！
MarkTwain！Howcouldyoudoit？Putatraplikethatintothemidstofatragicalstory？Doserenityandpeacebroodoveryouafteryouhavedonesuchathing？
Wholitthelilacs，andwhichendupdotheyhang？Whendidlarchesbegintoflame，andwhosetoutthepomegranatesinthatcanyon？
Whataredeciduousflowers，anddotheyalways"bloominthefall，trala"？
Ihavebeenmakingmyselfobnoxioustovariouspeoplebydemandingtheiropinionofthatparagraphwithouttellingthemthenameoftheauthor。Theysay，"Verywelldone。""Thealliterationissopretty。""What’sanoesophagus，abird？""What’sitallmean，anyway？"ItellthemitmeansMarkTwain，andthatanoesophagusisakindofswallow。AmIright？Orisitagull？Oragullet？
Hereafterifyoumustwritesuchthingswon’tyoupleasebesokindastolabelthem？
Verysincerelyyours，ALLETTAF。DEAN。
MarkTwaintoMissDean：
Don’tyougivethatoesophagusawayagainorI’llnevertrustyouwithanotherprivacy！
Somanywrote，thatClemensfinallyfeltcalledupontomakepublicconfession，andasonesearchingletterhadbeenmailedfromSpringfield，Massachusetts，hemadehisreplythroughtheRepublicanofthatcity。
Aftersomeopeningcommenthesaid：
Ipublishedashortstorylately&itwasinthatthatIputtheoesophagus。IwillsayprivatelythatIexpectedittobothersomepeople——infact，thatwastheintention——buttheharvesthasbeenlargerthanIwascalculatingupon。Theoesophagushasgatheredintheguiltyandtheinnocentalike，whereasIwasonlyfishingfortheinnocent——theinnocentandconfiding。
HequotedaletterfromaschoolmasterinthePhilippineswhothoughtthepassagebeautifulwiththeexceptionofthecuriouscreaturewhich"sleptuponmotionlesswings。"SaidClemens：
Doyounotice？Nothingintheparagraphdisturbedhimbutthatoneword。Itshowsthatthatparagraphwasmostablyconstructedforthedeceptionitwasintendedtoputuponthereader。Itwasmyintentionthatitshouldreadplausibly，anditisnowplainthatitdoes；itwasmyintentionthatitshouldbeemotionalandtouching，andyouseeyourselfthatitfetchedthispublicinstructor。Alas！
ifIhadbutleftthatonetreacherouswordoutIshouldhavescored，scoredeverywhere，andtheparagraphwouldhavesliddenthrougheveryreader’ssensibilitieslikeoilandleftnotasuspicionbehind。
TheothersampleinquiryisfromaprofessorinaNewEnglanduniversity。ItcontainsonenaughtywordwhichIcannotbeartosuppress，butheisnotinthetheologicaldepartment，soitisnoharm：
"DEARMR。CLEMENS，——’Farintheemptyskyasolitaryoesophagussleptuponmotionlesswing。’
"ItisnotoftenIgetachancetoreadmuchperiodicalliterature，butIhavejustgonethroughatthisbelatedperiod，withmuchgratificationandedification，your’Double—BarrelledDetectiveStory。’
"Butwhatinhellisanoesophagus？Ikeeponemyself，butitneversleepsintheairoranywhereelse。Myprofessionistodealwithwords，andoesophagusinterestedmethemomentIlighteduponit。
But，asacompanionofmyyouthusedtosay，’I’llbeeternally，co—
eternallycussed’ifIcanmakeitout。IsitajokeoramIanignoramus？"
Betweenyouandme，Iwasalmostashamedofhavingfooledthatman，butforpride’ssakeIwasnotgoingtosayso。Iwroteandtoldhimitwasajoke——andthatiswhatIamnowsayingtomySpringfieldinquirer。AndItoldhimtocarefullyreadthewholeparagraphandhewouldfindnotavestigeofsenseinanydetailofit。ThisalsoIrecommendtomySpringfieldinquirer。
Ihaveconfessed。Iamsorry——partially。Iwillnotdosoanymore——forthepresent。Don’taskmeanymorequestions；lettheoesophagushavearest——onhissameoldmotionlesswing。
HewroteTwichellthatthestoryhadbeenasix—day’tourdeforce’，twenty—fivethousandwords，andheadds：
Howlongittakesaliteraryseedtosproutsometimes！Thisseedwasplantedinyourhousemanyyearsagowhenyousentmetobedwithabooknotheardofbymeuntilthen——SherlockHolmes……
I’vedoneagristofwritingherethissummer，butnotforpublicationsoon，ifever。Ididwritetwosatisfactoryarticlesforearlyprint，butI’veburnedoneofthem&haveburiedtheotherinmylargeboxofposthumousstuff。I’vegotstacksofliteraryremainspiledupthere。
EarlyinAugustClemenswentwithH。H。RogersinhisyachtKanawhaonacruisetoNewBrunswickandNovaScotia。Rogershadmadeupaparty，includingex—SpeakerReed，Dr。Rice，andCol。A。G。Paine。YoungHarryRogersalsomadeoneoftheparty。Clemenskeptalogofthecruise，certainentriesofwhichconveysomethingofitsspirit。Onthe11th，atYarmouth，hewrote：
Fog—bound。Thegarrisonwentashore。Officersvisitedtheyachtintheevening&saidananvilhadbeenmissed。Mr。Rogerspaidfortheanvil。
August13th。Thereisafinepicture—galleryhere；thesheriffphotographedthegarrison，withtheexceptionofHarryRogersandMr。Clemens。
August14th。UponcomplaintofMr。Reedanotherdogwasprocured。
Hesaidhehadbeenasailorallhislife，andconsidereditdangeroustotrustashiptoadog—watchwithonlyonedoginit。
Poker，forachange。
August15th。ToRockland，Maine，intheafternoon，arrivingabout6
P。M。InthenightDr。Ricebaitedtheanchorwithhiswinnings&
caughtawhale90feetlong。Hesaidsohimself。ItisthoughtthatiftherehadbeenanotherwitnesslikeDr。Ricethewhalewouldhavebeenlonger。
August16th。WecouldhavehadahappytimeinBathbutfortheinterruptionscausedbypeoplewhowantedMr。Reedtoexplainvotesoftheoldentimeorgivebackthemoney。Mr。Rogersrecoupedthem。
Anotheranvilmissed。ThedescendantofCaptainKiddistheonlypersonwhodoesnotblushfortheseincidents。HarryandMr。
Clemensblushcontinually。Itisbelievedthatiftherestofthegarrisonwerelikethesetwotheyachtwouldbewelcomeeverywhereinsteadofbeingquarantinedbythepoliceinalltheports。Mr。
Clemens&Harryhaveattractedagreatdealofattention，&menhaveexpressedaresolvetoturnoveranewleaf©afterthemfromthisout。
Evening。JudgeCohencameoverfromanotheryachttopayhisrespectstoHarryandMr。Clemens，hehavingheardoftheirreputationfromtheclergyofthesecoasts。Hewasinvitedbythegangtoplaypokerapparentlyasacourtesy&inaspiritofseeminghospitality，henotknowingthem&takingitallatpar。Mr。Rogerslenthimclothestogohomein。
August17th。TheReformedStatesmangrowlingandcomplainingagain——
notinafrank，straightforwardway，buttalkingattheCommodore，whilelettingontobetalkingtohimself。Thistimehewasdissatisfiedabouttheanchorwatch；saiditwasoutofdate，untrustworthy，&forrealefficiencydidn’tbeginwiththeWaterbury，&wasgoingontoreiterate，asusual，thathehadbeenapilotallhislife&blamedifheeversaw，etc。，etc。，etc。
Buthewasnotallowedtofinish。WeputhimashoreatPortland。
Thatistosay，ReedlandedatPortland，therestofthepartyreturningwiththeyacht。
"Wehadanoblegoodtimeintheyacht，"ClemenswroteTwichellontheirreturn。"WecaughtaChineemissionaryanddrownedhim。"
Twichellhadbeeninvitedtomakeoneoftheparty，andthisletterwastomakehimfeelsorryhehadnotaccepted。
CCXVI
RIVERDALE——AYALEDEGREE
TheClemenshouseholddidnotreturnto14WestTenthStreet。TheyspentaweekinElmiraattheendofSeptember，andafterabriefstopinNewYorktookuptheirresidenceonthenorthernmetropolitanboundary，atRiverdale—on—the—Hudson，intheoldAppletonhome。TheyhadpermanentlyconcludednottoreturntoHartford。Theyhadputthepropertythereintoanagent’shandsforsale。Mrs。Clemensneverfeltthatshehadthestrengthtoenterthehouseagain。
TheyhadselectedtheRiverdaleplacewithdueconsideration。TheydecidedthattheymusthaveeasyaccesstotheNewYorkcenter，buttheywishedalsotohavetheadvantageofspaceandspreadinglawnandtrees，largerooms，andlight。TheAppletonhomesteadprovidedthesethings。
ItwasahousebuiltinthefirstthirdofthelastcenturybyoneoftheMorrisfamily，solongprominentinNewYorkhistory。OnpassingintotheAppletonownershipithadbeenenlargedandbeautifiedandnamed"HolbrookHall。"ItoverlookedtheHudsonandthePalisades。Ithadassociations：theRooseveltfamilyhadoncelivedthere，Huxley，Darwin，Tyndall，andothersoftheirintellectualrankhadbeenentertainedthereduringitsoccupationbythefirstAppleton，thefounderofthepublishingfirm。Thegreathalloftheaddedwingwasitschieffeature。
Clemensonceremembered：
"Wedriftedfromroomtoroomonourtourofinspection，alwayswithagrowingdoubtastowhetherwewantedthathouseornot；butatlast，whenwearrivedinadining—roomthatwas60feetlong，30feetwide，andhadtwogreatfireplacesinit，thatsettledit。"
TherewerepleasantneighborsatRiverdale，andhaditnotbeenfortheillnessesthatseemedalwaysreadytoseizeuponthathouseholdthehometheremighthavebeenideal。Theylovedtheplacepresently，somuchsothattheycontemplatedbuyingit，butdecidedthatitwastoocostly。
TheybegantoprospectforotherplacesalongtheHudsonshore。Theywereanxioustohaveahomeagain——onethattheycouldcalltheirown。
AmongthemanypleasantneighborsatRiverdaleweretheDodges，theQuincyAdamses，andtheRev。Mr。Carstensen，aliberal—mindedministerwithwhomClemenseasilyaffiliated。ClemensandCarstensenvisitedbackandforthandexchangedviews。OnceMr。CarstensentoldhimthathewasgoingtotowntodinewithapartywhichincludedtheReverendGottheil，aCatholicbishop，anIndianBuddhist，andaChinesescholaroftheConfucianfaith，afterwhichtheywereallgoingtoaYiddishtheater。
Clemenssaid：
"Well，there’sonlyonemorethingyouneedtomakethepartycomplete——
thatis，eitherSatanorme。"
HowellsoftencametoRiverdale。HewaslivinginaNewYorkapartment，anditwashandyandmadeaneasyandpleasantoutingforhim。Hesays：
"Ibegantoseethemagainonsomethinglikethesweetoldterms。Theylivedfarmoreunpretentiouslythantheyused，andIthinkwithanotionofeconomy，whichtheyhadneververysuccessfullypractised。IrecallthatattheendofacertainyearinHartford，whentheyhadbeensavingandpayingcashforeverything，Clemenswrote，remindingmeoftheiravowedexperiment，andaskingmetoguesshowmanybillstheyhadatNew—
Year’s；hehastenedtosaythatahorse—carwouldnothaveheldthem。AtRiverdaletheykeptnocarriage，andtherewasasnowynightwhenIdroveuptotheirhandsomeoldmansioninthestationcarryall，whichwascrustedwithmud，asfromthegoingdownoftheDelugeaftertransportingNoahandhisfamilyfromtheArktowhateverpointtheydecidedtosettleprovisionally。Butthegoodtalk，therichtalk，thetalkthatcouldneversufferpovertyofmindorsoulwasthere，andwejubilantlyfoundourselvesagaininourmiddleyouth。"
BothHowellsandClemensweremadedoctorsoflettersbyYalethatyearandwentoverinOctobertoreceivetheirdegrees。ItwasMarkTwain’ssecondYaledegree，anditwasthehighestrankthatanAmericaninstitutionoflearningcouldconfer。
Twichellwrote：
Iwantyoutounderstand，oldfellow，thatitwillbeinitsintentionthehighestpubliccompliment，andemphaticallysoinyourcase，foritwillbetenderedyoubyacorporationofgentlemen，themajorityofwhomdonotatallagreewiththeviewsonimportantquestionswhichyouhavelatelypromulgatedinspeechandinwriting，andwithwhichyouareidentifiedtothepublicmind。Theygrant，ofcourse，yourrighttoholdandexpressthoseviews，thoughforthemselvestheydon’tlike’em；butinawardingyoutheproposedlaureltheywillmakenocountofthatwhatever。Theiractionwillappropriatelysignifysimplyandsolelytheirestimateofyourmeritandrankasamanofletters，andso，asI
say，thecomplimentofitwillbeofthepure，unadulteratedquality。
Howellswasnotespeciallyeagertogo，andtriedtoconspirewithClemenstoarrangesomeexcusewhichwouldkeepthemathome。
Irememberwithsatisfaction[hewrote]ourjointsuccessinkeepingawayfromtheConcordCentennialin1875，andIhavebeenthinkingwemighthelpeachotherinthismatteroftheYaleAnniversary。Whatareyourplansforgettingleft，orshallyoutrusttoinspiration？
Theirplansdidnotavail。BothHowellsandClemenswenttoNewHaventoreceivetheirhonors。
Whentheyhadreturned，Howellswroteformally，asbecamethenewrank：
DEARSIR，——Ihavelongbeenanadmirerofyourcompleteworks，severalofwhichIhaveread，andIamwithyoushouldertoshoulderinthecauseofforeignmissions。Iwouldrespectfullyrequestapersonalinterview，andifyouwillappointsomedayandhourmostinconvenienttoyouIwillcallatyourbaronialhall。Icannotdoubt，fromtheaccountofyourcourtesygivenmebytheTwelveApostles，whooncevisitedyouinyourHartfordhomeandweremistakenforasyndicateoflightning—rodmen，thatourmeetingwillbemutuallyagreeable。
Yourstruly，W。D。HOWELLS。
DR。CLEMENS。
CCXVII
MARKTWAININPOLITICS
TherewasacampaignforthemayoraltyofNewYorkCitythatfall，withSethLowontheFusionticketagainstEdwardM。ShepardastheTammanycandidate。MarkTwainenteredthearenatotrytodefeatTammanyHall。
Hewroteandhespokeinfavorofcleancitygovernmentandpolicereform。HewassavagelyinearnestandopenlydenouncedtheclanofCroker，individuallyandcollectively。Hejoinedasocietycalled’TheAcorns’；andonthe17thofOctober，atadinnergivenbytheorderattheWaldorf—Astoria，deliveredafiercearraignment，inwhichhecharacterizedCrokerastheWarrenHastingsofNewYork。HisspeechwasreallyasetofextractsfromEdmundBurke’sgreatimpeachmentofHastings，substitutingalwaysthenameofCroker，andparallelinghiscareerwiththatoftheancientbossoftheEastIndiaCompany。
Itwasnotahumorousspeech。Itwastoodenunciatoryforthat。Itprobablycontainedlesscomicphrasingthananyformereffort。Thereishardlyevenasuggestionofhumorfrombeginningtoend。ItconcludedwiththisparaphraseofBurke’simpeachment：
IimpeachRichardCrokerofhighcrimesandmisdemeanors。Iimpeachhiminthenameofthepeople，whosetrusthehasbetrayed。
IimpeachhiminthenameofallthepeopleofAmerica，whosenationalcharacterhehasdishonored。
Iimpeachhiminthenameandbyvirtueofthoseeternallawsofjusticewhichhehasviolated。
Iimpeachhiminthenameofhumannatureitself，whichhehascruellyoutraged，injured，andoppressed，inbothsexes，ineveryage，rank，situation，andconditionoflife。
TheAcornspeechwasgreatlyrelieduponfordamagetotheTammanyranks，andhundredsofthousandsofcopiesofitwereprintedandcirculated。——
[The"EdmundBurkeonCrokerandTammany"speechhadoriginallybeenwrittenasanarticlefortheNorthAmericanReview。]
Clemenswasreallyheartandsoulinthecampaign。HeevenjoinedaprocessionthatmarchedupBroadway，andhemadeaspeechtoagreatassemblageatBroadwayandLeonardStreet，when，ashesaid，hehadbeensickabedtwodaysand，accordingtothedoctor，shouldbeinbedthen。
ButIwouldnotstayathomeforanurserydisease，andthat’swhatI’vegot。Now，don’tletthisleakoutallovertown，butI’vebeendoingsomeindiscreeteating——that’sall。Itwasn’tdrinking。IfithadbeenIshouldn’thavesaidanythingaboutit。
Iateabanana。IboughtitjusttoclinchtheItalianvoteforfusion，butIgotholdofaTammanybananabymistake。Justonelittlenubofitontheendwasniceandwhite。ThatwastheShepardend。Theothernine—tenthswererotten。Nowthatlittlewhiteendwon’tmaketherestofthebananagood。Thenine—tenthswillmakethatlittlenubrotten，too。
Wemustgetridofthewholebanana，andourAcornSocietyisgoingtodoitsshare，foritispledgedtonothingbutthesupportofgoodgovernmentallovertheUnitedStates。WewillelectthePresidentnexttime。
Itwon’tbeI，forIhaveruinedmychancesbyjoiningtheAcorns，andtherecanbenooffice—holdersamongus。
TherewasamovementwhichClemensearlynippedinthebud——tonameapoliticalpartyafterhim。
"Ishouldbefarfromwillingtohaveapoliticalpartynamedafterme，"
hewrote，"andIwouldnotbewillingtobelongtoapartywhichalloweditsmemberstohavepoliticalaspirationsorpushfriendsforwardforpoliticalpreferment。"
Inotherwords，hewasaknight—errant；hissolepurposeforbeinginpoliticsatall——somethinghealwaysdetested——wastodowhathecouldforthebettermentofhispeople。
Hehadhisreward，forwhenElectionDaycame，andthereturnswerein，theFusiontickethadtriumphedandTammanyhadfallen。Clemensreceivedhisshareofthecredit。Onepapercelebratedhiminverse：
WhokilledCroker？
I，saidMarkTwain，IkilledCroker，I，thejollyjoker！
AmongSamuelClemens’sliteraryremainsthereisanoutlineplanfora"Casting—Voteparty，"whosemainobjectwas"tocompelthetwogreatpartiestonominatetheirbestmanalways。"Itwastobeanorganizationofaninfinitenumberofclubsthroughoutthenation，nomemberofwhichshouldseekoracceptanominationforofficeinanypoliticalappointment，butineachcaseshouldcastitsvoteasaunitforthecandidateofoneofthetwogreatpoliticalparties，requiringthatthemanbeofcleanrecordandhonestpurpose。
FromconstableuptoPresident[runshisfinalclause]thereisnoofficeforwhichthetwogreatpartiescannotfurnishable，clean，andacceptablemen。Wheneverthebalanceofpowershallbelodgedinapermanentthirdparty，withnocandidateofitsownandnofunctionbuttocastitswholevoteforthebestmanputforwardbytheRepublicansandDemocrats，thesetwopartieswillselectthebestmantheyhaveintheirranks。Goodandcleangovernmentwillfollow，letitspartycomplexionbewhatitmay，andthecountrywillbequitecontent。
ItwasaUtopianidea，verylikely，ashumannatureismade；fullofthatnativeoptimismwhichwasalwaysoverflowinganddrowninghisgloomierlogic。Clearlyheforgothisdespairofhumanitywhenheformulatedthatdocument，andthereisaworldofunselfishhopeintheseclosinglines：
Ifinthehandsofmenwhoregardtheircitizenshipasahightrustthisschemeshallfailupontrialabettermustbesought，abettermustbeinvented；foritcannotbewellorsafetoletthepresentpoliticalconditionscontinueindefinitely。Theycanbeimproved，andAmericancitizenshipshouldarouseupfromitsdisheartenmentandseethatitisdone。
HadthisdocumentbeenputintotypeandcirculateditmighthavefoundedatrueMarkTwainparty。
Clemensmadenotmanymorespeechesthatautumn，closingtheyearatlastwiththe"Founder’sNight"speechatThePlayers，theshortaddresswhich，endingonthestrokeofmidnight，dedicateseachpassingyeartothememoryofEdwinBooth，andpledgeseachnewyearinaloving—cuppassedinhishonor。
CCXVIII
NEWINTERESTSANDINVESTMENTS
ThespiritwhichayearearlierhadpromptedMarkTwaintopreparehis"SalutationfromtheNineteenthtotheTwentiethCentury"inspiredhimnowtoconceivethe"StupendousInternationalProcession，"agruesomepageantdescribedinadocumentunpublishedoftwenty—twotypewrittenpageswhichbegin：
THESTUPENDOUSPROCESSION
Attheappointedhouritmovedacrosstheworldinfollowingorder：
TheTwentiethCenturyAfairyoungcreature，drunkanddisorderly，borneinthearmsofSatan。Bannerwithmotto，"GetWhatYouCan，KeepWhatYouGet。"
GuardofHonor——Monarchs，Presidents，TammanyBosses，Burglars，LandThieves，Convicts，etc。，appropriatelyclothedandbearingthesymbolsoftheirseveraltrades。
ChristendomAmajesticmatroninflowingrobesdrenchedwithblood。Onherheadagoldencrownofthorns；impaledonitsspinesthebleedingheadsofpatriotswhodiedfortheircountriesBoers，Boxers，Filipinos；
inonehandaslung—shot，intheotheraBible，openatthetext"Dountoothers，"etc。Protrudingfrompocketbottlelabeled"Webringyoutheblessingsofcivilization。"Necklace—handcuffsandaburglar’sjimmy。
Supporters——AtoneelbowSlaughter，attheotherHypocrisy。
Bannerwithmotto——"LoveYourNeighbor’sGoodsasYourself。"
Ensign——TheBlackFlag。
GuardofHonor——MissionariesandGerman，French，Russian，andBritishsoldiersladenwithloot。
Andsoon，withasectionforeachnationoftheearth，headedeachbytheblackflag，eachbearinghorridemblems，instrumentsoftorture，mutilatedprisoners，brokenhearts，floatspiledwithbloodycorpses。Attheendofall，bannersinscribed：
"AllWhiteMenareBornFreeandEqual。"
"Christdiedtomakemenholy，Christdiedtomakemenfree。"
withtheAmericanflagfurledanddrapedincrepe，andtheshadeofLincolntoweringvastanddimtowardthesky，broodingwithsorrowfulaspectoverthefar—reachingpageant。Withmuchmoreofthesamesort。
Itisafearfuldocument，toofearful，wemaybelieve，forMrs。Clemensevertoconsenttoitspublication。
AdvancingyearsdidlittletowarddestroyingMarkTwain’sinterestinhumanaffairs。Atnotimeinhislifewashemorevariouslyconcernedandemployedthaninhissixty—seventhyear——matterssocial，literary，political，religious，financial，scientific。Hewasalwaysalive，young，activelycultivatingordevisinginterests——valuableandotherwise，thoughneverlessthanimportanttohim。
Hehadplentyofmoneyagain，foronething，andhelikedtofinddazzlinglynewwaysforinvestingit。Asintheolddays，hewasalwaysputting"twenty—fiveorfortythousanddollars，"ashesaid，intosomethingthatpromisedmultipliedreturns。Howellstellshowhefoundhimlookingwonderfullywell，andwhenheaskedthenameofhiselixirhelearnedthatitwasplasmon。
Ididnotimmediatelyunderstandthatplasmonwasoneoftheinvestmentswhichhehadmadefrom"thesubstanceofthingshopedfor，"andinthedestinyofadisastrousdisappointment。Butafterpayingoffthecreditorsofhislatepublishingfirmhehadtodosomethingwithhismoney，anditwasnothisfaultifhedidnotmakeafortuneoutofplasmon。
Itwasjustatthisperiodthebeginningof1902thathewaspromotingwithhiscapitalandenthusiasmtheplasmoninterestsinAmerica，investinginitoneofthe"usualamounts，"promisingtomakeHowellsoveragainbodyandsoulwiththelife—givingalbuminate。Oncehewrotehimexplicitinstructions：
Yes——takeitasamedicine——thereisnothingbetter，nothingsurerofdesiredresults。Ifyouwishtobeelaborate——whichisn’tnecessary——putacoupleofheapingteaspoonfulsofthepowderinaninchofmilk&stiruntilitisapaste；putinsomemoremilkandstirthepastetoathingruel；thenfilluptheglassanddrink。
Or，stiritintoyoursoup。
Or，intoyouroatmeal。
Or，useanymethodyoulike，so’syougetitdown——thatistheonlyessential。
Heputanother"usualsum"aboutthistimeinapatentcashregisterwhichwasacknowledgedtobe"apromiseratherthanaperformance，"andremainssountilthisday。
Hecapitalizedapatentspiralhat—pin，warrantedtoholdthehatoninanyweather，andhehadanumberofthepinshandsomelymadetopresenttovisitorsofthesexnaturallyrequiringthatsortofadornmentandprotection。Itwasaprettyandingeniousdeviceandapparentlyeffectiveenough，thoughitfailedtosecurehisinvestedthousands。
HeinvestedalessersuminsharesoftheBooklover’sLibrary，whichwasgoingtorevolutionizethereadingworld，andwhichatleastpaidafewdividends。EventheoldTennesseelandwill—o’—the—wisp—longsincerepudiatedandforgotten——whenitappearedagainintheformofapossibleequityinsomeoverlookedfragment，kindledagentleinterest，andwasaddedtohislistofventures。
Hemadeonesubstantialinvestmentatthisperiod。TheybecamemoreandmoreinlovewiththeHudsonenvironment，itsbeautyanditseasyaccesstoNewYork。Theirhousewaswhattheylikedittobe——agathering——
placeforfriendsandtheworld’snotables，whocouldreachiteasilyandquicklyfromNewYork。TheyhadasteadyprocessionofcompanywhenMrs。
Clemens’shealthwouldpermit，andduringasingleweekintheearlypartofthisyearentertainedguestsatnolessthanseventeenoutoftheirtwenty—onemeals，andforthreeoutofthesevennights——notanunusualweek。TheirplanforbuyingahomeontheHudsonendedwiththepurchaseofwhatwasknownasHillcrest，ortheCaseyplace，atTarrytown，overlookingthatbeautifulstretchofriver，theTappanZee，closetotheWashingtonIrvinghome。Thebeautyofitsoutlookandsurroundingsappealedtothemall。Thehousewashandsomeandfinelyplaced，andtheyplannedtomakecertainchangesthatwouldadaptittotheirneeds。Theprice，whichwaslessthanfiftythousanddollars，madeitanattractivepurchase；andwithoutdoubtitwouldhavemadethemasuitableandhappyhomehaditbeenwritteninthefuturethattheyshouldsoinheritit。
Clemenswaswritingprettysteadilythesedays。Thehumanracewasfurnishinghimwitheversomanyinspiringsubjects，andhefoundtimetotouchmoreorlessonmostofthem。Hewreakedhisindignationuponthethingswhichexasperatedhimoften——evenusually——withouttheexpectationofprint；andhedeliveredhimselfevenmoreinclusivelyatsuchtimesashewalkedthefloorbetweentheluncheonordinnercourses，amplifyingonthepovertyofaninventionthathadproducedmankindasasupremehandiwork。InalettertoHowellshewrote：
Yourcommentsonthatidiot’s"Ideals"letterremindsmethatIpreachedagoodsermontomyfamilyyesterdayonhisparticularlayerofthehumanrace，thatgrotesquestofalltheinventionsoftheCreator。Itwasagoodsermon，butcoldlyreceived，&itseemedbestnottotrytotakeupacollection。
HeoncetoldHowells，withthewildjoyofhisboyishheart，howMrs。
Clemensfoundsomecompensation，whenkepttoherroombyillness，inthereflectionthatnowshewouldnothearsomuchaboutthe"damnedhumanrace。"
Yethewasalwaysthefirstmantochampionthatrace，andthemoreunpromisingthespecimenthesureritwasofhisprotection，andheneverinvited，neverexpectedgratitude。
Onewondershowhefoundtimetodoallthethingsthathedid。Besideshislegitimateliterarylaborsandhispreachments，hewasalwayswritingletterstothisoneandthat，longlettersonavarietyofsubjects，carefullyandpicturesquelyphrased，andtopeopleofeverysort。Heevenformedacurioussociety，whosememberswereyounggirls——oneineachcountryoftheearth。Theyweresupposedtowritetohimatintervalsonsomesubjectlikelytobeofmutualinterest，towhichlettersheagreedtoreply。Hefurnishedeachmemberwithatypewrittencopyoftheconstitutionandby—lawsofthejuggernautClub，ashecalledit，andheapprisedeachofherelection，usuallyafterthisfashion：
Ihaveaclub——aprivateclub，whichisallmyown。Iappointthemembersmyself，&theycan’thelpthemselves，becauseIdon’tallowthemtovoteontheirownappointment&Idon’tallowthemtoresign！TheyareallfriendswhomIhaveneverseensaveone，butwhohavewrittenfriendlyletterstome。Bythelawsofmyclubtherecanbeonlyonememberineachcountry，&therecanbenomalememberbutmyself。SomedayImayadmitmales，butIdon’tknow—
theyarecapricious&inharmonious，&theirwaysprovokemeagooddeal。Itisamatter，whichtheclubshalldecide。Ihavemadefourappointmentsinthepastthreeorfourmonths：YouasamemberforScotland——oh，thisgoodwhile！；ayoungcitizenessofJoanofArc’shomeregionasamemberforFrance；aMohammedangirlasmemberforBengal；&adear&brightyoungnieceofmineasmemberfortheUnitedStates——forIdonotrepresentacountrymyself，butammerelymember—at—largeforthehumanrace。Youmustnottrytoresign，forthelawsoftheclubdonotallowthat。Youmustconsoleyourselfbyrememberingthatyouareinthebestcompany；
thatnobodyknowsofyourmembershipexceptyourself；thatnomemberknowsanother’sname，butonlyhercountry；thatnotaxesareleviedandnomeetingsheldbuthowdearlyIshouldliketoattendone！。
Oneofmymembersisaprincessofaroyalhouse，anotheristhedaughterofavillagebookselleronthecontinentofEurope，fortheonlyqualificationformembershipisintellect&thespiritofgood—
will；otherdistinctions，hereditaryoracquired，donotcount。MayIsendyoutheconstitution&lawsoftheclub？IshallbesogladifImay。
Itwasjustoneofhismanyfancies，andmostoftheactivemembershipswouldnotlongbemaintained；thoughsomecontinuedfaithfulintheirreports，ashedidinhisreplies，totheend。
Oneofthemorefantasticofhisconceptionswasaplantoadvertiseforante—mortemobituariesofhimself——inorder，ashesaid，thathemightlookthemoverandenjoythemandmakecertaincorrectionsinthematterofdetail。Someofthemhethoughtmightbeappropriatetoreadfromtheplatform。
Iwillcorrectthem——notthefacts，buttheverdicts——strikingoutsuchclausesascouldhaveadeleteriousinfluenceontheotherside，andreplacingthemwithclausesofamorejudiciouscharacter。
Hewasmuchtakenwiththenewidea，andhisrequestforsuchobituaries，withanofferofaprizeforthebest——aportraitofhimselfdrawnbyhisownhand——reallyappearedinHarper’sWeeklylaterintheyear。
Naturallyhegotashowerofresponses——serious，playful，burlesque。
Someofthemwerequiteworthwhile。
Theobvious"DeathlovesashiningMark"wasofcoursenumerouslyduplicated，andsomevariedit"DeathlovesanEasyMark，"andtherewas"Mark，theperfectman。"
Thetwothatfollowgavehimespecialpleasure。
OBITUARYFOR"MARKTWAIN"
Worthyofhisportrait，aplaceonhismonument，aswellasaplaceamonghis"perennial—consolationheirlooms"：
"Gotup；washed；wenttobed。"
Thesubject’sownwordsseeInnocentsAbroad。Can’tgobackonyourownwords，MarkTwain。There’snothing"tostrikeout"；
nothing"toreplace。"Whatmorecouldbesaidofanyone？
"Gotup！"——Thinkofthefullnessofmeaning！Thepossibilitiesoflife，itsachievements——physical，intellectual，spiritual。Gotuptothetop！——theclimaxofhumanaspirationonearth！
"Washed"——Everywhitclean；purified——body，soul，thoughts，purposes。
"Wenttobed"——Workalldone——torest，tosleep。Theculminationofthedaywellspent！
Godlooksaftertheawakening。
Mrs。S。A。OREN—HAYNES。
MarkTwainwastheonlymanwhoeverlived，sofarasweknow，whoseliesweresoinnocent，andwithalsohelpful，astomakethemworthmorethanawholelotoffossilizedpriests’eternaltruths。
D。H。KENNER。
CCXIX
YACHTINGANDTHEOLOGY
ClemensmadefewerspeechesduringtheRiverdaleperiod。Hewasasfrequentlydemanded，buthehadabetterexcuseforrefusing，especiallytheeveningfunctions。HeattendedagoodmanyluncheonswithfriendlyspiritslikeHowells，Matthews，JamesL。Ford，andHamlinGarland。AttheendofFebruaryhecamedowntotheMayor’sdinnergiventoPrinceHenryofPrussia，buthedidnotspeak。Clemensusedtosayafterwardthathehadnotbeenaskedtospeak，andthatitwasprobablybecauseofhissupposedbreachofetiquetteattheKaiser’sdinnerinBerlin；butthefactthatPrinceHenrysoughthimout，andwasmostcordiallyandhumanlyattentiveduringaconsiderableportionoftheevening，isagainstthesupposition。
ClemensattendedaYalealumnidinnerthatwinterandincidentallyvisitedTwichellinHartford。TheoldquestionofmoralresponsibilitycameupandTwichelllenthisvisitoracopyofJonathanEdwards’s’FreedomoftheWill’fortrainperusal。Clemensfounditabsorbing。
LaterhewroteTwichellhisviews。
DEARJOE，——Aftercompliments。——[Meaning"Whatagoodtimeyougaveme；whatahappinessitwastobeunderyourroofagain，"etc。SeeopeningsentenceofalltranslationsofletterspassingbetweenLordRobertsandIndianprincesandrulers。]——FromBridgeporttoNewYork，thencetohome，&continuouslyuntilnearmidnightIwallowed&reekedwithJonathaninhisinsanedebauch；roseimmenselyrefreshed&fineattenthismorning，butwithastrange&hauntingsenseofhavingbeenonathreedays’tearwithadrunkenlunatic。
ItisyearssinceIhaveknownthesesensations。Allthroughthebookistheglareofaresplendentintellectgonemad——amarvelousspectacle。No，notallthroughthebook——thedrunkdoesnotcomeontillthelastthird，wherewhatItaketobeCalvinism&itsGodbeginstoshowup&shinered&hideousintheglowfromthefiresofhell，theironlyrightandproperadornment。
JonathanseemstoholdasagainsttheArmenianpositionthatthemanorhissoulorhiswillnevercreatesanimpulseitself，butismovedtoactionbyanimpulsebackofit。That’ssound！
Also，thatoftwoormorethingsofferedit，itinfalliblychoosestheonewhichforthemomentismostpleasingtoITSELF。Perfectlycorrect！Animmenseadmissionforamannototherwisesane。
UptothatpointhecouldhavewrittenChaptersIII&IVofmysuppressedGospel。Butthereweseemtoseparate。Heseemstoconcedetheindisputable&unshakendominionofMotive&Necessitycallthemwhathemay，theseareexteriorforces¬undertheman’sauthority，guidance，orevensuggestion；thenhesuddenlyfliesthelogicaltrack&toallseemingmakestheman¬thoseexteriorforcesresponsibletoGodfortheman’sthoughts，words，&
acts。Itisfrankinsanity。
IthinkthatwhenheconcedestheautocraticdominionofMotiveandNecessityhegrantsathirdpositionofmine——thataman’smindisameremachine——anautomaticmachine——whichishandledentirelyfromtheoutside，themanhimselffurnishingitabsolutelynothing；notanounceofitsfuel，¬somuchasabaresuggestiontothatexteriorengineerastowhatthemachineshalldonorhowitshalldoitnorwhen。
Afterthatconcessionitwastimeforhimtogetalarmed&shirk——
forhewaspointedstraightfortheonlyrational&possiblenextstationonthatpieceofroad——theirresponsibilityofmantoGod。
Andsoheshirked。Shirked，andarrivedatthishandsomeresult：
Maniscommandedtodoso&so。
Ithasbeenordainedfromthebeginningoftimethatsomemensha’n’t&otherscan’t。
Thesearetoblame：letthembedamned。
IenjoytheColonelverymuch，&shallenjoytherestofhimwithanobscenedelight。
Joe，thewholetribeshoutlovetoyou&yours！
MARK。
Clemenswasmovedtosetdownsometheologyofhisown，anddidsoinamanuscriptwhichheentitled，"IfICouldBeThere。"Itisinthedialogueformheoftenadoptedforpolemicwriting。ItisacolloquybetweentheMasteroftheUniverseandaStranger。Itbegins：
I
IfIcouldbethere，hiddenunderthestepsofthethrone，Ishouldhearconversationslikethis：
ASTRANGER。Lord，thereisonewhoneedstobepunished，andhasbeenoverlooked。Itisintherecord。Ihavefoundit。
LORD。Bysearching？
S。Yes，Lord。
L。Whoisit？Whatisit？
S。Aman。
L。Proceed。
S。Hediedinsin。Sincommittedbyhisgreat—grandfather。
L。Whenwasthis？
S。Elevenmillionyearsago。
L。Doyouknowwhatamicrobeis？
S。Yes，Lord。Itisacreaturetoosmalltobedetectedbymyeye。
L。Hecommitsdepredationsuponyourblood？
S。Yes，Lord。
L。Igiveyouleavetosubjecthimtoabillionyearsofmiseryforthisoffense。Go！Workyourwilluponhim。
S。But，Lord，Ihavenothingagainsthim；Iamindifferenttohim。
L。Why？
S。Heissoinfinitelysmallandcontemptible。Iamtohimasisamountain—rangetoagrainofsand。
L。WhatamItoman？
S。Silent。
L。AmInot，toaman，asisabillionsolarsystemstoagrainofsand？
S。Itistrue，Lord。
L。Somemicrobesarelargerthanothers。Doesmanregardthedifference？
S。No，Lord。Tohimthereisnodifferenceofconsequence。Tohimtheyareallmicrobes，allinfinitelylittleandequallyinconsequential。
L。Tomethereisnodifferenceofconsequencebetweenaman&amicrobe。Manlooksdownuponthespeckathisfeetcalledamicrobefromanaltitudeofathousandmiles，sotospeak，andregardshimwithindifference；Ilookdownuponthespeckscalledamanandamicrobefromanaltitudeofabillionleagues，sotospeak，andtometheyareofasize。Tomebothareinconsequential。Mankillsthemicrobeswhenhecan？
S。Yes，Lord。
L。Thenwhat？Doeshekeephiminmindyearsandyearsandgooncontrivingmiseriesforhim？
S。No，Lord。
L。Doesheforgethim？
S。Yes，Lord。
L。Why？
S。Hecaresnothingmoreabouthim。
L。Employshimselfwithmoreimportantmatters？
S。Yes，Lord。
L。Apparentlymanisquitearationalanddignifiedperson，andcandivorcehismindfromuninterestingtrivialities。WhydoesheaffrontmewiththefancythatIinterestMyselfintrivialities——likemenandmicrobes？
II
L。Isittruethehumanracethinkstheuniversewascreatedforitsconvenience？
S。Yes，Lord。
L。Thehumanraceismodest。Speakingasamemberofit，whatdoyouthinktheotheranimalsarefor？
S。Tofurnishfoodandlaborforman。
L。Whatistheseafor？
S。Tofurnishfoodforman。Fishes。
L。Andtheair？
S。Tofurnishsustenanceforman。Birdsandbreath。
L。Howmanymenarethere？
S。Fifteenhundredmillions。
L。Referringtonotes。Takeyourpencilandsetdownsomestatistics。
Inahealthyman’slowerintestine28，000，000microbesareborndailyanddiedaily。Intherestofaman’sbody122，000，000microbesareborndailyanddiedaily。Thetwosumsaggregate—what？
S。About150，000，000。
L。Intendaystheaggregatereacheswhat？
S。Fifteenhundredmillions。
L。Itisforoneperson。Whatwoulditbeforthewholehumanpopulation？
S。Alas，Lord，itisbeyondthepoweroffigurestosetdownthatmultitude。Itisbillionsofbillionsmultipliedbybillionsofbillions，andthesemultipliedagainandagainbybillionsofbillions。
Thefigureswouldstretchacrosstheuniverseandhangoverintospaceonbothsides。
L。Towhatintentaretheseuncountablemicrobesintroducedintothehumanrace？
S。Thattheymayeat。
L。Nowthen，accordingtoman’sownreasoning，whatismanfor？
S。Alas—alas！
L。Whatishefor？
S。To—to—furnishfoodformicrobes。
L。Manifestly。Achildcouldseeit。Nowthen，withthiscommon—senselighttoaidyourperceptions，whataretheair，theland，andtheoceanfor？
S。Tofurnishfoodformansothathemaynourish，support，andmultiplyandreplenishthemicrobes。
L。Manifestly。Doesonebuildaboarding—houseforthesakeoftheboarding—houseitselforforthesakeoftheboarders？
S。Certainlyforthesakeoftheboarders。
L。Man’saboarding—house。
S。Iperceiveit，Lord。
L。Heisaboarding—house。Hewasneverintendedforanythingelse。Ifhehadhadlessvanityandaclearerinsightintothegreattruthsthatlieembeddedinstatisticshewouldhavefounditoutearly。Asconcernsthemanwhohasgoneunpunishedelevenmillionyears，isityourbeliefthatinlifehedidhisdutybyhismicrobes？
S。Undoubtedly，Lord。Hecouldnothelpit。
L。Thenwhypunishhim？Hehadnootherdutytoperform。