“`Icouldn’tclearout，“Jimbegan。`Theskipperdid——that’sallverywellforhim。Icouldn’t，andIwouldn’t。Theyallgotoutofitinonewayoranother，butitwouldn’tdoforme。“
　　`Ilistenedwithconcentratedattention，notdaringtostirinmychair；
　　Iwantedtoknow——andtothisdayIdon’tknow，Icanonlyguess。Hewouldbeconfidentanddepressedallinthesamebreath，asifsomeconvictionofinnateblamelessnesshadcheckedthetruthwrithingwithinhimateveryturn。Hebeganbysaying，inthetoneinwhichamanwouldadmithisinabilitytojumpatwenty-footwall，thathecouldnevergohomenow；andthisdeclarationrecalledtomymindwhatBrierlyhadsaid，that“theoldparsoninEssexseemedtofancyhissailorsonnotalittle。“
　　`Ican’ttellyouwhetherJimknewhewasespecially“fancied，“butthetoneofhisreferencesto“mydad“wascalculatedtogivemeanotionthatthegoodoldruraldeanwasaboutthefinestmanthateverhadbeenworriedbythecaresofalargefamilysincethebeginningoftheworld。
　　This，thoughneverstated，wasimpliedwithananxietythatthereshouldbenomistakeaboutit，whichwasreallyverytrueandcharming，butaddedapoignantsenseoflivesfarofftotheotherelementsofthestory。“Hehasseenitallinthehomepapersbythistime，“saidJim。“Itcanneverfacethepooroldchap。“IdidnotdaretoliftmyeyesatthistillI
　　heardhimadd，“Icouldneverexplain。Hewouldn’tunderstand。“ThenI
　　lookedup。Hewassmokingreflectively，andafteramoment，rousinghimself，begantotalkagain。HediscoveredatonceadesirethatIshouldnotconfoundhimwithhispartnersin——incrime，letuscallit。Hewasnotoneofthem；
　　hewasaltogetherofanothersort。Igavenosignofdissent。Ihadnointention，forthesakeofbarrentruth，torobhimofthesmallestparticleofanysavinggracethatwouldcomeinhisway。Ididn’tknowhowmuchofithebelievedhimself。Ididn’tknowwhathewasplayingupto——ifhewasplayinguptoanythingatall——andIsuspecthedidnotknoweither；
　　foritismybeliefnomaneverunderstandsquitehisownartfuldodgestoescapefromthegrimshadowofself-knowledge。Imadenosoundallthetimehewaswonderingwhathehadbetterdoafter“thatstupidinquirywasover。“
　　`ApparentlyhesharedBrierly’scontemptuousopinionoftheseproceedingsordainedbylaw。Hewouldnotknowwheretoturn，heconfessed，clearlythinkingaloudratherthantalkingtome。Certificategone，careerbroken，nomoneytogetaway，noworkthathecouldobtainasfarashecouldsee。
　　Athomehecouldperhapsgetsomething；butitmeantgoingtohispeopleforhelp，andthathewouldnotdo。Hesawnothingforitbutshipbeforethemast——couldgetperhapsaquarter-master’sbilletinsomesteamer。
　　Woulddoforaquartermaster……“Doyouthinkyouwould？“Iaskedpitilessly。
　　Hejumpedup，andgoingtothestonebalustradelookedoutintothenight。
　　Inamomenthewasback，toweringabovemychairwithhisyouthfulfacecloudedyetbythepainofaconqueredemotion。HehadunderstoodverywellIdidnotdoubthisabilitytosteeraship。Inavoicethatquaveredabitheaskedme，WhydidIsaythat？Ihadbeen“noendkind“tohim。
　　Ihadnotevenlaughedathimwhen——herehebegantomumble——“thatmistake，youknow——madeaconfoundedassofmyself。“Ibrokeinbysayingratherwarmlythatformesuchamistakewasnotamattertolaughat。Hesatdownanddrankdeliberatelysomecoffee，emptyingthesmallcuptothelastdrop。“ThatdoesnotmeanIadmitforamomentthecapfitted，“hedeclared，distinctly。“No？“Isaid。“No，“heaffirmedwithquietdecision。
　　“Doyouknowwhatyouwouldhavedone？Doyou？Andyoudon’tthinkyourself“……hegulpedsomething……“youdon’tthinkyourselfa——a——cur？“
　　`Andwiththis——uponmyhonour!——helookedupatmeinquisitively。Itwasaquestionitappears——abona-fidequestion!However，hedidn’twaitforananswer。BeforeIcouldrecoverhewenton，withhiseyesstraightbeforehim，asifreadingoffsomethingwrittenonthebodyofthenight。
　　“Itisallinbeingready。Iwasn’t；not——notthen。Idon’twanttoexcusemyself；butIwouldliketoexplain——Iwouldlikesomebodytounderstand——somebody——onepersonatleast!You!Whynotyou？“
　　`Itwassolemn，andalittleridiculous，too，astheyalwaysare，thosestrugglesofanindividualtryingtosavefromthefirehisideaofwhathismoralidentityshouldbe，thispreciousnotionofaconvention，onlyoneoftherulesofthegame，nothingmore，butallthesamesoterriblyeffectivebyitsassumptionofunlimitedpowerovernaturalinstincts，bytheawfulpenaltiesofitsfailure。Hebeganhisstoryquietlyenough。
　　OnboardthatDaleLinesteamerthathadpickedupthesefourfloatinginaboatuponthediscreetsunsetglowofthesea，theyhadbeenafterthefirstdaylookedaskanceupon。Thefatskippertoldsomestory，theothershadbeensilent，andatfirstithadbeenaccepted。Youdon’tcross-examinepoorcastawaysyouhadthegoodlucktosave，ifnotfromcrueldeath，thenatleastfromcruelsuffering。Afterwards，withtimetothinkitover，itmighthavestrucktheofficersoftheAvondalethattherewas“somethingfishy“intheaffair；butofcoursetheywouldkeeptheirdoubtstothemselves。Theyhadpickedupthecaptain，themate，andtwoengineersofthesteamerPatnasunkatsea，andthat，veryproperly，wasenoughforthem。IdidnotaskJimaboutthenatureofhisfeelingsduringthetendayshespentonboard。FromthewayhenarratedthatpartIwasatlibertytoinferhewaspartlystunnedbythediscoveryhehadmade——thediscoveryabouthimself——andnodoubtwasatworktryingtoexplainitawaytotheonlymanwhowascapableofappreciatingallitstremendousmagnitude。Youmustunderstandhedidnottrytominimizeitsimportance。
　　OfthatIamsure；andthereinlieshisdistinction。Astowhatsensationsheexperiencedwhenhegotashoreandheardtheunforeseenconclusionofthetaleinwhichhehadtakensuchapitifulpart，hetoldmenothingofthem，anditisdifficulttoimagine。Iwonderwhetherhefeltthegroundcutfromunderhisfeet？Iwonder？Butnodoubthemanagedtogetafreshfootholdverysoon。HewasashoreawholefortnightwaitingintheSailors’
　　Home，andasthereweresixorsevenmenstayingthereatthetime，Ihadheardofhimalittle。Theirlanguidopinionseemedtobethatinadditiontohisothershortcomings，hewasasulkybrute。Hehadpassedthesedaysontheveranda，buriedinalong-chair，andcomingoutofhisplaceofsepultureonlyatmeal-timesorlateatnight，whenhewanderedonthequaysallbyhimself，detachedfromhissurroundings，irresoluteandsilent，likeaghostwithoutahometohaunt。“Idon’tthinkI’vespokenthreewordstoalivingsoulinallthattime，“hesaid，makingmeverysorryforhim；anddirectlyheadded，“OneofthesefellowswouldhavebeensuretoblurtoutsomethingIhadmadeupmymindnottoputupwith，andI
　　didn’twantarow。No!Notthen。Iwastoo——too……Ihadnoheartforit。““Sothatbulkheadheldoutafterall，“Iremarked，cheerfully。“Yes，“
　　hemurmured，“itheld。AndyetIsweartoyouIfeltitbulgeundermyhand。““It’sextraordinarywhatstrainsoldironwillstandsometimes，“
　　Isaid。Thrownbackinhisseat，hislegsstifflyoutandarmshangingdown，henoddedslightlyseveraltimes。Youcouldnotconceiveasadderspectacle。Suddenlyheliftedhishead；hesatup；heslappedhisthigh。
　　“Ah!whatachancemissed!MyGod!whatachancemissed“heblazedout，buttheringofthelast“missed“resembledacrywrungoutbypain。
　　`Hewassilentagainwithastill，far-awaylookoffierceyearningafterthatmisseddistinction，withhisnostrilforaninstantdilated，sniffingtheintoxicatingbreathofthatwastedopportunity。IfyouthinkIwaseithersurprisedorshockedyoudomeaninjusticeinmorewaysthanone!Ah，hewasanimaginativebeggar!Hewouldgivehimselfaway；hewouldgivehimselfup。Icouldseeinhisglancedartedintothenightallhisinnerbeingcarriedon，projectedheadlongintothefancifulrealmofrecklesslyheroicaspirations。Hehadnoleisuretoregretwhathehadlost，hewassowhollyandnaturallyconcernedforwhathehadfailedtoobtain。Hewasveryfarawayfrommewhowatchedhimacrossthreefeetofspace。Witheveryinstanthewaspenetratingdeeperintotheimpossibleworldofromanticachievements。Hegottotheheartofitatlast!Astrangelookofbeatitudeoverspreadhisfeatures，hiseyessparkledinthelightofthecandleburningbetweenus；hepositivelysmiled!Hehadpenetratedtotheveryheart——totheveryheart。Itwasanecstaticsmilethatyourfaces——ormineeither——willneverwear，mydearboys。Iwhiskedhimbackbysaying，“Ifyouhadstucktotheship，youmean!“
　　`Heturneduponme，hiseyessuddenlyamazedandfullofpain，withabewildered，startled，sufferingface，asthoughhehadtumbleddownfromastar。NeitheryounorIwilleverlooklikethisonanyman。Heshudderedprofoundly，asifacoldfinger-tiphadtouchedhisheart。Lastofallhesighed。
　　`Iwasnotinamercifulmood。Heprovokedonebyhiscontradictoryindiscretions。“Itisunfortunateyoudidn’tknowbeforehand!“Isaidwitheveryunkindintention；buttheperfidiousshaftfellharmless——droppedathisfeetlikeaspentarrow，asitwere，andhedidnotthinkofpickingitup。Perhapshehadnotevenseenit。Presently，lollingatease，hesaid，“Dashitall!Itellyouitbulged。Iwasholdingupmylampalongtheangle-ironinhelowerdeckwhenaflakeofrustasbigasthepalmofmyhandfellofftheplate，allofitself。“Hepassedhishandoverhisforehead。“ThethingstirredandjumpedofflikesomethingalivewhileIwaslookingatit。““Thatmadeyoufeelprettybad，“Iobserved，casually。
　　“Doyousuppose，“hesaid，“thatIwasthinkingofmyself，withahundredandsixtypeopleatmyback，allfastasleepinthatfore-’tween-deckalone——andmoreofthemaft；moreonthedeck——sleeping——knowingnothingaboutit——threetimesasmanyastherewereboatsfor，eveniftherehadbeentime？IexpectedtoseetheironopenoutasIstoodthereandtherushofwatergoingoverthemastheylay……WhatcouldIdo——what？“
　　`Icaneasilypicturehimtomyselfinthepeopledgloomofthecavernousplace，withthelightofthebulk-lampfallingonasmallportionofthebulkheadthathadtheweightoftheoceanontheotherside，andthebreathingofunconscioussleepersinhisears。Icanseehimglaringattheiron，startledbythefallingrust，overburdenedbytheknowledgeofanimminentdeath。This，Igathered，wasthesecondtimehehadbeensentforwardbythatskipperofhis，who，Iratherthink，wantedtokeephimawayfromthebridge。Hetoldmethathisfirstimpulsewastoshoutandstraightawaymakeallthosepeopleleapoutofsleepintoterror；butsuchanoverwhelmingsenseofhishelplessnesscameoverhimthathewasnotabletoproduceasound。Thisis，Isuppose，whatpeoplemeanbythetonguecleavingtotheroofofthemouth。“Toodry，“wastheconciseexpressionheusedinreferencetothisstate。Withoutasound，then，hescrambledoutondeckthroughthenumberonehatch。Awind-sailriggeddownthereswungagainsthimaccidentally，andherememberedthatthelighttouchofthecanvasonhisfacenearlyknockedhimoffthehatchwayladder。
　　`Heconfessedthathiskneeswobbledagooddealashestoodontheforedecklookingatanothersleepingcrowd。Theengineshavingbeenstoppedbythattime，thesteamwasblowingoff。Itsdeeprumblemadethewholenightvibratelikeabassstring。Theshiptrembledtoit。
　　`Hesawhereandthereaheadliftedoffamat，avagueformupriseinsittingposture，listensleepilyforamoment，sinkdownagainintothebillowyconfusionofboxes，steam-winches，ventilators。Hewasawareallthesepeopledidnotknowenoughtotakeintelligentnoticeofthatstrangenoise。Theshipofiron，themenwithwhitefaces，allthesights，allthesounds，everythingonboardtothatignorantandpiousmultitudewasstrangealike，andastrustworthyasitwouldforeverremainincomprehensible。
　　Itoccurredtohimthatthefactwasfortunate。Theideaofitwassimplyterrible。
　　`Youmustrememberhebelieved，asanyothermanwouldhavedoneinhisplace，thattheshipwouldgodownatanymoment；thebulging，rust-eatenplatesthatkeptbacktheocean，fatallymustgiveway，allatoncelikeanundermineddam，andletinasuddenandoverwhelmingflood。Hestoodstilllookingattheserecumbentbodies，adoomedmanawareofhisfate，surveyingthesilentcompanyofthedead。Theyweredead!Nothingcouldsavethem!Therewereboatsenoughforhalfofthemperhaps，buttherewasnotime。Notime!Notime!Itdidnotseemworthwhiletoopenhislips，tostirhandorfoot。Beforehecouldshoutthreewords，ormakethreesteps，hewouldbeflounderinginaseawhitenedawfullybythedesperatestrugglesofhumanbeings，clamorouswiththedistressofcriesforhelp。
　　Therewasnohelp。Heimaginedwhatwouldhappenperfectly；hewentthroughitallmotionlessbythehatchwaywiththelampinhishand——hewentthroughittotheverylastharrowingdetail。Ithinkhewentthroughitagainwhilehewastellingmethesethingshecouldnottellthecourt。
　　“`IsawasclearlyasIseeyounowthattherewasnothingIcoulddo。
　　Itseemedtotakeallthelifeoutofmylimbs。IthoughtImightjustaswellstandwhereIwasandwait。IdidnotthinkIhadmanyseconds……“Suddenlythesteamceasedblowingoff。Thenoise，heremarked，hadbeendistracting，butthesilenceatoncebecameintolerablyoppressive。
　　“`IthoughtIwouldchokebeforeIgotdrowned，“hesaid。