DukesarewaitedonbydeleteriousFrenchcooks，byperfunctorygroomsofthechambers，andexpensivecrowdsofeye-servants，moreimaginarythanreal：whilehere，Science，HumanIntellectandBeneficencehavesearchedandsatstudious，eagertodotheirverybest；theyhavechosenarealArtistinGoverningtoseetheirbest，inalldetailsofit，done。Happyregimentsoftheline，whatsoldiertoanyearthlyorcelestialPowerhassuchalodgingandattendanceasyouhere？NosoldierorservantdirectorindirectofGodorofman，inthisEnglandatpresent。Joytoyou，regimentsoftheline。YourMaster，Iamtold，hashisElect，andprofessestobe“PrinceoftheKingdomsofthisWorld；“andtrulyIseehehaspowertodoagoodturntothoseheloves，inEnglandatleast。Shallwesay，May_he_，maytheDevilgiveyougoodofit，yeElectofScoundrelism？Iwillratherpassby，utteringnoprayeratall；musingratherinsilenceonthesingular“worshipofGod，“orpractical“reverencedonetoHumanWorth“whichistheoutcomeandessenceofallreal“worship“whatsoeveramongthePosterityofAdamatthisday。
　　ForallroundthisbeautifulEstablishment，orOasisofPurity，intendedfortheDevil’sregimentsoftheline，laycontinentsofdingypooranddirtydwellings，wheretheunfortunatenot_yet_
　　enlistedintothatForcewerestrugglingmanifoldly，——intheirworkshops，intheirmarble-yardsandtimber-yardsandtan-yards，intheirclosecellars，cobbler-stalls，hungrygarrets，andpoordarktrade-shopswithred-herringsandtobacco-pipescrossedinthewindow，——tokeeptheDevilout-of-doors，andnotenlistwithhim。AnditwasbyataxonthesethattheBarracksfortheregimentsofthelinewerekeptup。VisitingMagistrates，impelledbyExeterHall，byAble-Editors，andthePhilanthropicMovementoftheAge，hadgivenorderstothateffect。RatesonthepoorservantofGodandofherMajesty，whostillservesbothinhisway，painfullysellingred-herrings；ratesonhimandhisred-herringstoboilrightsoupfortheDevil’sdeclaredElect！
　　Neverinmytravels，inanyageorclime，hadIfalleninwithsuchVisitingMagistratesbefore。Reservedthey，Ishouldsuppose，fortheseultimateorpenultimateagesoftheworld，richinallprodigies，political，spiritual，——agessurelywithsuchalengthofearsaswasneverparalleledbefore。
　　IfIhadacommonwealthtoreformortogovern，certainlyitshouldnotbetheDevil’sregimentsofthelinethatIwouldfirstofallconcentratemyattentionon！WiththemIshouldbeaptsomakeratherbriefwork；tothemonewouldapplythebesom，trytosweep_them_，withsomerapidityintothedust-bin，andwelloutofone’sroad，Ishouldrathersay。Fillyourthrashing-floorwithdocks，ragweeds，mugworths，andplyyourflailuponthem，——thatisnotthemethodtoobtainsacksofwheat。Away，you；begoneswiftly，_ye_regimentsoftheline：
　　inthenameofGodandofHispoorstrugglingservants，soreputtoittoliveinthesebaddays，Imeantoridmyselfofyouwithsomedegreeofbrevity。Tofeedyouinpalaces，tohirecaptainsandschoolmastersandthechoicestspiritualandmaterialartificerstoexpendtheirindustriesonyou，No，bytheEternal！
　　Ihavequiteotherworkforthatclassofartists；
　　Seven-and-twentyMillionsofneglectedmortalswhohavenotyetquitedeclaredfortheDevil。Markit，mydiabolicfriends，I
　　meantolayleatheronthebacksofyou，collarsroundthenecksofyou；andwillteachyou，aftertheexampleofthegods，thatthisworldis_not_yourinheritance，orgladtoseeyouinit。
　　You，yediaboliccanaille，whathasaGovernormuchtodowithyou？You，Ithink，hewillratherswiftlydismissfromhisthoughts，——whichhavethewholecelestialandterrestrialfortheirscope，andnotthesubterraneanofscoundreldomalone。
　　You，Iconsider，hewillsweepprettyrapidlyintosomeNorfolkIsland，intosomespecialConvictColonyorremotedomesticMoorland，intosomestone-walledSilent-System，underharddrill-sergeants，justasRhadamanthus，andinflexibleashe，andthereleaveyoutoreapwhatyouhavesown；hemeanwhileturninghisendeavorstothethousand-foldimmeasurableinterestsofmenandgods，——dismissingtheoneextremelycontemptibleinterestofscoundrels；sweepingthatintothecesspool，tumblingthatoverLondonBridge，inaverybriefmanner，ifneedful！Whoareyou，yethriftlesssweepingsofCreation，thatweshouldforeverbepesteredwithyou？HavewenoworktodobutdrillingDevil’sregimentsoftheline？
　　IfIhadschoolmasters，mybenevolentfriend，doyouimagineI
　　wouldsetthemonteachingasetofunteachables，whoasyouperceivehavealreadymadeuptheirmindthatblackiswhite，——thattheDevilnamelyistheadvantageousMastertoserveinthisworld？MyesteemedBenefactorofHumanity，itshallbefarfromme。MindsopentothatparticularconvictionarenotthematerialIliketoworkupon。Whenoncemyschoolmastershavegoneoveralltheotherclassesofsocietyfromtoptobottom；andhavenoothersoultotrywithteaching，allbeingthoroughlytaught，——Iwillthensendthemtooperateon_these_
　　regimentsoftheline：then，and，assureyourself，nevertillthen。Thetruthis，Iamsickofscoundreldom，myesteemedBenefactor；italwayswasdetestabletome；andherewhereIfinditlodgedinpalacesandwaitedonbythebenevolentoftheworld，itismoredetestable，nottosayinsufferabletomethanever。
　　OfBeneficence，Benevolence，andthepeoplethatcometogethertotalkonplatformsandsubscribefivepounds，Iwillsaynothinghere；indeedthereisnotroomhereforthetwentiethpartofwhatweretobesaidofthem。Thebeneficence，benevolence，andsublimevirtuewhichissuesineloquenttalkreportedintheNewspapers，withthesubscriptionoffivepounds，andthefeelingthatoneisagoodcitizenandornamenttosociety，——concerningthis，therewereagreatmanyunexpectedremarkstobemade；butletthisone，forthepresentoccasion，suffice：——
　　Mysublimebenevolentfriends，don’tyouperceive，foronething，thathereisashockinglyunfruitfulinvestmentforyourcapitalofBenevolence；preciselytheworst，indeed，whichhumaningenuitycouldselectforyou？“Lawsareunjust，temptationsgreat，“&c。&c。：alas，Iknowit，andmournforit，andpassionatelycallonallmentohelpinalteringit。Butaccordingtoeveryhypothesisastothelaw，andthetemptationsandpressurestowardsvice，herearetheindividualswho，ofallthesociety，haveyieldedtosaidpressure。Theseareoftheworstsubstanceforenduringpressure！Theothersyetstandandmakeresistancetotemptation，tothelaw’sinjustice；underalltheperversitiesandstranglingimpedimentsthereare，therestofthesocietystillkeeptheirfeet，andstruggleforward，marchingunderthebannerofCosmos，ofGodandHumanVirtue；
　　theseselectFew，asIexplaintoyou，aretheywhohavefallentoChaos，andareswornintocertainregimentsoftheline。A
　　superiorproclivitytoChaosisdeclaredinthese，bytheveryfactoftheirbeinghere！Ofallthegenerationwelivein，thesearetheworststuff。These，Isay，aretheElixiroftheInfatuatedamonglivingmortals：ifyouwanttheworstinvestmentforyourBenevolence，hereyouaccuratelyhaveit。O
　　mysurprisingfriends！Nowheresoasherecanyoubecertainthatagivenquantityofwiseteachingbestowed，ofbenevolenttroubletaken，willyieldzero，orthenet_Minimum_ofreturn。
　　ItissowingofyourwheatuponIrishquagmires；laboriouslyharrowingitinuponthesandoftheseashore。Omyastonishingbenevolentfriends！
　　Yonder，inthosedingyhabitations，andshopsofredherringandtobacco-pipes，wheremenhavenotyetquitedeclaredfortheDevil；there，Isay，island：hereismeresea-beach。Thithergowithyourbenevolence，thithertothosedingycavernsofthepoor；andthereinstructanddrillandmanage，therewheresomefruitmaycomefromit。And，aboveallandinclusiveofall，cannotyougotothoseSolemnhumanShams，PhantasmCaptains，andSupremeQuacksthatrideprosperouslyineverythoroughfare；andwithseverebenevolence，askthem，Whattheyaredoinghere？
　　Theyarethemenwhomitwouldbehooveyoutodrillalittle，andtietothehalbertsinabenevolentmanner，ifyoucould！“Wecannot，“sayyou？Yes，myfriends，toacertainextentyoucan。
　　Bymanywell-knownactivemethods，andbyallmannerofpassivemethods，youcan。Strivethitherward，Iadviseyou；thither，withwhateversocialefforttheremaylieinyou！Thewell-headand“consecrated“thrice-accursedchieffountainofallthosewatersofbitterness，——itisthey，thoseSolemnShamsandSupremeQuacksofyours，littleastheyoryouimagineit！Them，withseverebenevolence，putastopto；themsendtotheirFather，farfromthesightofthetrueandjust，——ifyouwouldeverseeajustworldhere！
　　Whatsortofreformersandworkersareyou，thatworkonlyontherottenmaterial？Thatneverthinkofmeddlingwiththematerialwhileitcontinuessound；thatstressitandstrainitwithnewratesandassessments，tillonceithasgivenwayanddeclareditselfrotten；whereuponyousnatchgreedilyatit，andsay，Nowletustrytodosomegooduponit！Youmistakeineveryway，myfriends：thefactis，youfancyyourselvesmenofvirtue，benevolence，whatnot；andyouarenotevenmenofsincerityandhonestsense。Igrievetosayit；butitistrue。Goodfromyou，andyouroperations，isnottobeexpected。Youmaygodown！
　　HowardisabeautifulPhilanthropist，eulogizedbyBurke，andinmostmen’smindsasortofbeatifiedindividual。Howglorious，havingfinishedoffone’saffairsinBedfordshire，orinfactfindingthemverydull，inane，andworthyofbeingquittedandgotawayfrom，tosetoutonacruise，overtheJailsfirstofBritain；then，findingthatanswer，overtheJailsofthehabitableGlobe！“Avoyageofdiscovery，acircum-navigationofcharity；tocollatedistresses，togaugewretchedness，totakethedimensionsofhumanmisery：“reallyitisveryfine。
　　CaptainCook’svoyagefortheTerraAustralis，Ross’s，Franklin’sforthedittoBorealis：menmakevariouscruisesandvoyagesinthisworld，——forwantofmoney，wantofwork，andoneortheotherwant，——whichareattendedwiththeirdifficultiestoo，anddonotmakethecruiserademigod。Onthewhole，Ihavemyselfnothingbutrespect，comparativelyspeaking，forthedullsolidHoward，andhis“benevolence，“andotherimpulsesthatsethimcruising；HeavenhadgrownwearyofJail-fevers，andotherthelikeunjustpenaltiesinflicteduponscoundrels，——forscoundrelstoo，andeventheveryDevil，shouldnothave_more_thantheirdue；——andHeaven，initsopulence，createdamantomakeanendofthat。Createdhim；disgustedhimwiththegrocerbusiness；
　　triedhimwithCalvinism，ruralennui，andsorebereavementinhisBedfordshireretreat；——and，inshort，atlastgothimsettohiswork，andinaconditiontoachieveit。ForwhichIamthankfultoHeaven；anddoalso，——withdoffedhat，humblysaluteJohnHoward。Apracticalsolidman，ifadullandevendreary；
　　“carrieshisweighing-scalesinhispocket：“whenyourjaileranswers，“Theprisoner’sallowanceoffoodissoandso；andweobserveitsacredly；here，forexample，isaration。“——“Hey！A
　　rationthis？“andsolidJohnsuddenlyproduceshisweighing-scales；weighsit，marksdowninhistabletswhattheactualquantityofitis。Thatistheartandmanneroftheman。
　　AmanfullofEnglishaccuracy；Englishveracity，solidity，simplicity；bywhomthisuniversalJail-commission，nottobepaidforinmoneybutfarotherwise，issetabout，withalltheslowenergy，thepatience，practicality，sedulityandsagacitycommontothebestEnglishcommissionerspaidinmoneyandnotexpresslyotherwise。
　　ForitisthegloryofEnglandthatshehasaturnforfidelityinpracticalwork；thatsham-workers，thoughverynumerous，arerarerthanelsewhere；thatamanwhoundertakesworkforyouwillstill，invariousprovincesofouraffairs，doit，insteadofmerelyseemingtodoit。JohnHoward，withoutpayinmoney，_did_thisoftheJail-fever，asotherEnglishmendowork，inatrulyworkmanlikemanner：hisdistinctionwasthathediditwithoutmoney。Hehadnot500poundsor5，000poundsayearofsalaryforit；butlivedmerelyonhisBedfordshireestates，andasSnigsbyirreverentlyexpressesit，“bychewinghisowncud。“
　　And，sureenough，ifanymanmightchewthecudofplacidreflections，solidHoward，amournfulmanotherwise，mightatintervalsindulgealittleinthatluxury——Nomoney-salaryhadheforhiswork；hehadmerelytheincomeofhisproperties，andwhathecouldderivefromwithin。Isthissuchasublimedistinction，then？Well，letitpassatitsvalue。Therehavebeenbenefactorsofmankindwhohadmoreneedofmoneythanhe，andgotnonetoo。Milton，itisknown，didhis_ParadiseLost_
　　attheeasyrateoffivepounds。KeplerworkedoutthesecretoftheHeavenlyMotionsinadreadfullypainfulmanner；“goingoverthecalculationssixtytimes；“andhavingnotonlynopublicmoney，butnoprivateeither；and，infact，writingalmanacsforhisbread-and-water，whilehedidthisoftheHeavenlyMotions；
　　havingnoBedfordshireestates；nothingbutapensionof18
　　poundswhichtheywouldnotpayhim，thevaluablefacultyofwritingalmanacs，andatlengththeinvaluableoneofdying，whentheHeavenlybodieswerevanquished，andbattle’sconflagrationhadcollapsedintocolddarkashes，andthestarvationreachedtoohighapitchforthepoorman。
　　Howardisnottheonlybenefactorthathasworkedwithoutmoneyforus；therehavebeensomemore，——andwillbe，Ihope！FortheDestiniesareopulent；andsendhereandthereamanintotheworldtodowork，forwhichtheydonotmeantopayhiminmoney。