I
IwasbaptizedandbroughtupintheOrthodoxChristianfaith。
Iwastaughtitinchildhoodandthroughoutmyboyhoodandyouth。
ButwhenIabandonedthesecondcourseoftheuniversityattheageofeighteenInolongerbelievedanyofthethingsIhadbeentaught。
Judgingbycertainmemories，Ineverseriouslybelievedthem，buthadmerelyreliedonwhatIwastaughtandonwhatwasprofessedbythegrown—uppeoplearoundme，andthatreliancewasveryunstable。
IrememberthatbeforeIwaselevenagrammarschoolpupil，VladimirMilyutin（longsincedead），visitedusoneSundayandannouncedasthelatestnoveltyadiscoverymadeathisschool。
ThisdiscoverywasthatthereisnoGodandthatallwearetaughtaboutHimisamereinvention（thiswasin1838）。Irememberhowinterestedmyelderbrotherswereinthisinformation。Theycalledmetotheircouncilandweall，Iremember，becameveryanimated，andaccepteditassomethingveryinterestingandquitepossible。
Irememberalsothatwhenmyelderbrother，Dmitriy，whowasthenattheuniversity，suddenly，inthepassionatewaynaturaltohim，devotedhimselftoreligionandbegantoattendalltheChurchservices，tofastandtoleadapureandmorallife，weall——evenourelders——unceasinglyheldhimuptoridiculeandforsomeunknownreasoncalledhim"Noah"。IrememberthatMusin—Pushkin，thethenCuratorofKazanUniversity，wheninvitingustodanceathishome，ironicallypersuadedmybrother（whowasdecliningtheinvitation）bytheargumentthatevenDaviddancedbeforetheArk。
Isympathizedwiththesejokesmadebymyelders，anddrewfromthemtheconclusionthatthoughitisnecessarytolearnthecatechismandgotochurch，onemustnottakesuchthingstooseriously。IrememberalsothatIreadVoltairewhenIwasveryyoung，andthathisraillery，farfromshockingme，amusedmeverymuch。
Mylapsefromfaithoccurredasisusualamongpeopleonourlevelofeducation。Inmostcases，Ithink，ithappensthus：amanliveslikeeverybodyelse，onthebasisofprinciplesnotmerelyhavingnothingincommonwithreligiousdoctrine，butgenerallyopposedtoit；religiousdoctrinedoesnotplayapartinlife，inintercoursewithothersitisneverencountered，andinaman’sownlifeheneverhastoreckonwithit。Religiousdoctrineisprofessedfarawayfromlifeandindependentlyofit。Ifitisencountered，itisonlyasanexternalphenomenondisconnectedfromlife。
Thenasnow，itwasandisquiteimpossibletojudgebyaman’slifeandconductwhetherheisabelieverornot。Iftherebeadifferencebetweenamanwhopubliclyprofessesorthodoxyandonewhodeniesit，thedifferenceisnotinfavoroftheformer。
Thenasnow，thepublicprofessionandconfessionoforthodoxywaschieflymetwithamongpeoplewhoweredullandcruelandwhoconsideredthemselvesveryimportant。Ability，honesty，reliability，good—natureandmoralconduct，wereoftenmetwithamongunbelievers。
Theschoolsteachthecatechismandsendthepupilstochurch，andgovernmentofficialsmustproducecertificatesofhavingreceivedcommunion。Butamanofourcirclewhohasfinishedhiseducationandisnotinthegovernmentservicemayevennow（andformerlyitwasstilleasierforhimtodoso）livefortenortwentyyearswithoutoncerememberingthatheislivingamongChristiansandishimselfreckonedamemberoftheorthodoxChristianChurch。
Sothat，nowasformerly，religiousdoctrine，acceptedontrustandsupportedbyexternalpressure，thawsawaygraduallyundertheinfluenceofknowledgeandexperienceoflifewhichconflictwithit，andamanveryoftenliveson，imaginingthathestillholdsintactthereligiousdoctrineimpartedtohiminchildhoodwhereasinfactnotatraceofitremains。
S。，acleverandtruthfulman，oncetoldmethestoryofhowheceasedtobelieve。Onahuntingexpedition，whenhewasalreadytwenty—six，heonce，attheplacewheretheyputupforthenight，kneltdownintheeveningtopray——ahabitretainedfromchildhood。Hiselderbrother，whowasatthehuntwithhim，waslyingonsomehayandwatchinghim。WhenS。hadfinishedandwassettlingdownforthenight，hisbrothersaidtohim："Soyoustilldothat？"
Theysaidnothingmoretooneanother。ButfromthatdayS。
ceasedtosayhisprayersorgotochurch。Andnowhehasnotprayed，receivedcommunion，orgonetochurch，forthirtyyears。
Andthisnotbecauseheknowshisbrother’sconvictionsandhasjoinedhiminthem，norbecausehehasdecidedanythinginhisownsoul，butsimplybecausethewordspokenbyhisbrotherwaslikethepushofafingeronawallthatwasreadytofallbyitsownweight。Thewordonlyshowedthatwherehethoughttherewasfaith，inrealitytherehadlongbeenanemptyspace，andthatthereforetheutteranceofwordsandthemakingofsignsofthecrossandgenuflectionswhileprayingwerequitesenselessactions。
Becomingconsciousoftheirsenselessnesshecouldnotcontinuethem。
Soithasbeenandis，Ithink，withthegreatmajorityofpeople。Iamspeakingofpeopleofoureducationallevelwhoaresincerewiththemselves，andnotofthosewhomaketheprofessionoffaithameansofattainingworldlyaims。（Suchpeoplearethemostfundamentalinfidels，foriffaithisforthemameansofattaininganyworldlyaims，thencertainlyitisnotfaith。）thesepeopleofoureducationaresoplacedthatthelightofknowledgeandlifehascausedanartificialerectiontomeltaway，andtheyhaveeitheralreadynoticedthisandsweptitsplaceclear，ortheyhavenotyetnoticedit。
Thereligiousdoctrinetaughtmefromchildhooddisappearedinmeasinothers，butwiththisdifference，thatasfromtheageoffifteenIbegantoreadphilosophicalworks，myrejectionofthedoctrinebecameaconsciousoneataveryearlyage。FromthetimeIwassixteenIceasedtosaymyprayersandceasedtogotochurchortofastofmyownvolition。IdidnotbelievewhathadbeentaughtmeinchildhoodbutIbelievedinsomething。WhatitwasI
believedinIcouldnotatallhavesaid。IbelievedinaGod，orratherIdidnotdenyGod——butIcouldnothavesaidwhatsortofGod。NeitherdidIdenyChristandhisteaching，butwhathisteachingconsistedinIagaincouldnothavesaid。
Lookingbackonthattime，Inowseeclearlythatmyfaith——
myonlyrealfaith——thatwhichapartfrommyanimalinstinctsgaveimpulsetomylife——wasabeliefinperfectingmyself。Butinwhatthisperfectingconsistedandwhatitsobjectwas，Icouldnothavesaid。Itriedtoperfectmyselfmentally——IstudiedeverythingIcould，anythinglifethrewinmyway；Itriedtoperfectmywill，IdrewuprulesItriedtofollow；Iperfectedmyselfphysically，cultivatingmystrengthandagilitybyallsortsofexercises，andaccustomingmyselftoenduranceandpatiencebyallkindsofprivations。AndallthisIconsideredtobethepursuitofperfection。thebeginningofitallwasofcoursemoralperfection，butthatwassoonreplacedbyperfectioningeneral：
bythedesiretobebetternotinmyowneyesorthoseofGodbutintheeyesofotherpeople。Andverysoonthiseffortagainchangedintoadesiretobestrongerthanothers：tobemorefamous，moreimportantandricherthanothers。
II
SomedayIwillnarratethetouchingandinstructivehistoryofmylifeduringthosetenyearsofmyyouth。Ithinkverymanypeoplehavehadalikeexperience。WithallmysoulIwishedtobegood，butIwasyoung，passionateandalone，completelyalonewhenIsoughtgoodness。EverytimeItriedtoexpressmymostsinceredesire，whichwastobemorallygood，Imetwithcontemptandridicule，butassoonasIyieldedtolowpassionsIwaspraisedandencouraged。
Ambition，loveofpower，covetousness，lasciviousness，pride，anger，andrevenge——wereallrespected。
YieldingtothosepassionsIbecamelikethegrown—upfolkandfeltthattheyapprovedofme。ThekindauntwithwhomIlived，herselfthepurestofbeings，alwaystoldmethattherewasnothingshesodesiredformeasthatIshouldhaverelationswithamarriedwoman：’Rienneformeunjuenehomme，commeuneliaisonavecunefemmecommeilfaut’。[Footnote：Nothingsoformsayoungmanasanintimacywithawomanofgoodbreeding。]AnotherhappinessshedesiredformewasthatIshouldbecomeanaide—de—
camp，andifpossibleaide—de—camptotheEmperor。ButthegreatesthappinessofallwouldbethatIshouldmarryaveryrichgirlandsobecomepossessedofasmanyserfsaspossible。
Icannotthinkofthoseyearswithouthorror，loathingandheartache。Ikilledmeninwarandchallengedmentoduelsinordertokillthem。Ilostatcards，consumedthelaborofthepeasants，sentencedthemtopunishments，livedloosely，anddeceivedpeople。Lying，robbery，adulteryofallkinds，drunkenness，violence，murder——therewasnocrimeIdidnotcommit，andinspiteofthatpeoplepraisedmyconductandmycontemporariesconsideredandconsidermetobeacomparativelymoralman。
SoIlivedfortenyears。
DuringthattimeIbegantowritefromvanity，covetousness，andpride。InmywritingsIdidthesameasinmylife。togetfameandmoney，forthesakeofwhichIwrote，itwasnecessarytohidethegoodandtodisplaytheevil。andIdidso。HowofteninmywritingsIcontrivedtohideundertheguiseofindifference，orevenofbanter，thosestrivingsofminetowardsgoodnesswhichgavemeaningtomylife!AndIsucceededinthisandwaspraised。
Attwenty—sixyearsofage[Footnote：Hewasinfact27atthetime。]IreturnedtoPetersburgafterthewar，andmetthewriters。
Theyreceivedmeasoneofthemselvesandflatteredme。AndbeforeIhadtimetolookroundIhadadoptedtheviewsonlifeofthesetofauthorsIhadcomeamong，andtheseviewscompletelyobliteratedallmyformerstrivingstoimprove——theyfurnishedatheorywhichjustifiedthedissolutenessofmylife。
Theviewoflifeofthesepeople，mycomradesinauthorship，consistedinthis：thatlifeingeneralgoesondeveloping，andinthisdevelopmentwe——menofthought——havethechiefpart；andamongmenofthoughtitiswe——artistsandpoets——whohavethegreatestinfluence。Ourvocationistoteachmankind。Andlestthesimplequestionshouldsuggestitself：WhatdoIknow，andwhatcanIteach？itwasexplainedinthistheorythatthisneednotbeknown，andthattheartistandpoetteachunconsciously。Iwasconsideredanadmirableartistandpoet，andthereforeitwasverynaturalformetoadoptthistheory。I，artistandpoet，wroteandtaughtwithoutmyselfknowingwhat。ForthisIwaspaidmoney；I
hadexcellentfood，lodging，women，andsociety；andIhadfame，whichshowedthatwhatItaughtwasverygood。
thisfaithinthemeaningofpoetryandinthedevelopmentoflifewasareligion，andIwasoneofitspriests。Tobeitspriestwasverypleasantandprofitable。AndIlivedaconsiderabletimeinthisfaithwithoutdoubtingitsvalidity。ButinthesecondandstillmoreinthethirdyearofthislifeIbegantodoubttheinfallibilityofthisreligionandtoexamineit。MyfirstcauseofdoubtwasthatIbegantonoticethatthepriestsofthisreligionwerenotallinaccordamongthemselves。Somesaid：
Wearethebestandmostusefulteachers；weteachwhatisneeded，buttheothersteachwrongly。Otherssaid：No!wearetherealteachers，andyouteachwrongly。andtheydisputed，quarrelled，abused，cheated，andtrickedoneanother。Therewerealsomanyamonguswhodidnotcarewhowasrightandwhowaswrong，butweresimplybentonattainingtheircovetousaimsbymeansofthisactivityofours。Allthisobligedmetodoubtthevalidityofourcreed。
Moreover，havingbeguntodoubtthetruthoftheauthors’
creeditself，Ialsobegantoobserveitspriestsmoreattentively，andIbecameconvincedthatalmostallthepriestsofthatreligion，thewriters，wereimmoral，andforthemostpartmenofbad，worthlesscharacter，muchinferiortothosewhomIhadmetinmyformerdissipatedandmilitarylife；buttheywereself—
confidentandself—satisfiedasonlythosecanbewhoarequiteholyorwhodonotknowwhatholinessis。Thesepeoplerevoltedme，Ibecamerevoltingtomyself，andIrealizedthatthatfaithwasafraud。
Butstrangetosay，thoughIunderstoodthisfraudandrenouncedit，yetIdidnotrenouncetherankthesepeoplegaveme：
therankofartist，poet，andteacher。InaivelyimaginedthatI
wasapoetandartistandcouldteacheverybodywithoutmyselfknowingwhatIwasteaching，andIactedaccordingly。
FrommyintimacywiththesemenIacquiredanewvice：
abnormallydevelopedprideandaninsaneassurancethatitwasmyvocationtoteachmen，withoutknowingwhat。
Torememberthattime，andmyownstateofmindandthatofthosemen（thoughtherearethousandslikethemtoday），issadandterribleandludicrous，andarousesexactlythefeelingoneexperiencesinalunaticasylum。
Wewereallthenconvincedthatitwasnecessaryforustospeak，write，andprintasquicklyaspossibleandasmuchaspossible，andthatitwasallwantedforthegoodofhumanity。Andthousandsofus，contradictingandabusingoneanother，allprintedandwrote——teachingothers。Andwithoutnoticingthatweknewnothing，andthattothesimplestoflife’squestions：Whatisgoodandwhatisevil？wedidnotknowhowtoreply，wealltalkedatthesametime，notlisteningtooneanother，sometimessecondingandpraisingoneanotherinordertobesecondedandpraisedinturn，sometimesgettingangrywithoneanother——justasinalunaticasylum。
Thousandsofworkmenlabouredtotheextremelimitoftheirstrengthdayandnight，settingthetypeandprintingmillionsofwordswhichthepostcarriedalloverRussia，andwestillwentonteachingandcouldinnowayfindtimetoteachenough，andwerealwaysangrythatsufficientattentionwasnotpaidus。
Itwasterriblystrange，butisnowquitecomprehensible。Ourrealinnermostconcernwastogetasmuchmoneyandpraiseaspossible。Togainthatendwecoulddonothingexceptwritebooksandpapers。Sowedidthat。Butinordertodosuchuselessworkandtofeelassuredthatwewereveryimportantpeoplewerequiredatheoryjustifyingouractivity。Andsoamongusthistheorywasdevised："Allthatexistsisreasonable。Allthatexistsdevelops。AnditalldevelopsbymeansofCulture。AndCultureismeasuredbythecirculationofbooksandnewspapers。Andwearepaidmoneyandarerespectedbecausewewritebooksandnewspapers，andthereforewearethemostusefulandthebestofmen。"Thistheorywouldhavebeenallverywellifwehadbeenunanimous，butaseverythoughtexpressedbyoneofuswasalwaysmetbyadiametricallyoppositethoughtexpressedbyanother，weoughttohavebeendriventoreflection。Butweignoredthis；peoplepaidusmoneyandthoseonoursidepraisedus，soeachofusconsideredhimselfjustified。
Itisnowcleartomethatthiswasjustasinalunaticasylum；butthenIonlydimlysuspectedthis，andlikealllunatics，simplycalledallmenlunaticsexceptmyself。
III
SoIlived，abandoningmyselftothisinsanityforanothersixyears，tillmymarriage。DuringthattimeIwentabroad。LifeinEuropeandmyacquaintancewithleadingandlearnedEuropeans[Footnote：RussiansgenerallymakeadistinctionbetweenEuropeansandRussians。——A。M。]confirmedmeyetmoreinthefaithofstrivingafterperfectioninwhichIbelieved，forIfoundthesamefaithamongthem。Thatfaithtookwithmethecommonformitassumeswiththemajorityofeducatedpeopleofourday。Itwasexpressedbytheword"progress"。Itthenappearedtomethatthiswordmeantsomething。Ididnotasyetunderstandthat，beingtormented（likeeveryvitalman）bythequestionhowitisbestformetolive，inmyanswer，"Liveinconformitywithprogress"，Iwaslikeamaninaboatwhowhencarriedalongbywindandwavesshouldreplytowhatforhimisthechiefandonlyquestion。
"whithertosteer"，bysaying，"Wearebeingcarriedsomewhere"。
Ididnotthennoticethis。Onlyoccasionally——notbyreasonbutbyinstinct——Irevoltedagainstthissuperstitionsocommoninourday，bywhichpeoplehidefromthemselvestheirlackofunderstandingoflife……So，forinstance，duringmystayinParis，thesightofanexecutionrevealedtometheinstabilityofmysuperstitiousbeliefinprogress。WhenIsawtheheadpartfromthebodyandhowtheythumpedseparatelyintothebox，I
understood，notwithmymindbutwithmywholebeing，thatnotheoryofthereasonablenessofourpresentprogresscouldjustifythisdeed；andthatthougheverybodyfromthecreationoftheworldhadheldittobenecessary，onwhatevertheory，Iknewittobeunnecessaryandbad；andthereforethearbiterofwhatisgoodandevilisnotwhatpeoplesayanddo，norisitprogress，butitismyheartandI。Anotherinstanceofarealizationthatthesuperstitiousbeliefinprogressisinsufficientasaguidetolife，wasmybrother’sdeath。Wise，good，serious，hefellillwhilestillayoungman，sufferedformorethanayear，anddiedpainfully，notunderstandingwhyhehadlivedandstilllesswhyhehadtodie。Notheoriescouldgiveme，orhim，anyreplytothesequestionsduringhisslowandpainfuldying。Butthesewereonlyrareinstancesofdoubt，andIactuallycontinuedtoliveprofessingafaithonlyinprogress。"EverythingevolvesandI
evolvewithit：andwhyitisthatIevolvewithallthingswillbeknownsomeday。"SoIoughttohaveformulatedmyfaithatthattime。
OnreturningfromabroadIsettledinthecountryandchancedtooccupymyselfwithpeasantschools。ThisworkwasparticularlytomytastebecauseinitIhadnottofacethefalsitywhichhadbecomeobvioustomeandstaredmeinthefacewhenItriedtoteachpeoplebyliterarymeans。HerealsoIactedinthenameofprogress，butIalreadyregardedprogressitselfcritically。I
saidtomyself："Insomeofitsdevelopmentsprogresshasproceededwrongly，andwithprimitivepeasantchildrenonemustdealinaspiritofperfectfreedom，lettingthemchoosewhatpathofprogresstheyplease。"InrealityIwaseverrevolvingroundoneandthesameinsolubleproblem，whichwas：Howtoteachwithoutknowingwhattoteach。InthehigherspheresofliteraryactivityIhadrealizedthatonecouldnotteachwithoutknowingwhat，forIsawthatpeoplealltaughtdifferently，andbyquarrellingamongthemselvesonlysucceededinhidingtheirignorancefromoneanother。Buthere，withpeasantchildren，I
thoughttoevadethisdifficultybylettingthemlearnwhattheyliked。ItamusesmenowwhenIrememberhowIshuffledintryingtosatisfymydesiretoteach，whileinthedepthofmysoulIknewverywellthatIcouldnotteachanythingneedfulforIdidnotknowwhatwasneedful。AfterspendingayearatschoolworkIwentabroadasecondtimetodiscoverhowtoteachotherswhilemyselfknowingnothing。
AnditseemedtomethatIhadlearntthisaborad，andintheyearofthepeasants’emancipation（1861）IreturnedtoRussiaarmedwithallthiswisdom，andhavingbecomeanArbiter[Footnote：
Tokeeppeacebetweenpeasantsandowners。——A。M。]Ibegantoteach，boththeuneducatedpeasantsinschoolsandtheeducatedclassesthroughamagazineIpublished。Thingsappearedtobegoingwell，butIfeltIwasnotquitesoundmentallyandthatmatterscouldnotlongcontinueinthatway。AndIshouldperhapsthenhavecometothestateofdespairIreachedfifteenyearslaterhadtherenotbeenonesideoflifestillunexploredbymewhichpromisedmehappiness：thatwasmymarriage。
ForayearIbusiedmyselfwitharbitrationwork，theschools，andthemagazine；andIbecamesowornout——asaresultespeciallyofmymentalconfusion——andsohardwasmystruggleasArbiter，soobscuretheresultsofmyactivityintheschools，sorepulsivemyshufflinginthemagazine（whichalwaysamountedtooneandthesamething：adesiretoteacheverybodyandtohidethefactthatIdidnotknowwhattoteach），thatIfellill，mentallyratherthanphysically，threwupeverything，andwentawaytotheBashkirsinthesteppes，tobreathefreshair，drinkkumys[Footnote：Afermenteddrinkpreparedfrommare’smilk。——A。M。]，andliveamerelyanimallife。
ReturningfromthereImarried。Thenewconditionsofhappyfamilylifecompletelydivertedmefromallsearchforthegeneralmeaningoflife。Mywholelifewascentredatthattimeinmyfamily，wifeandchildren，andthereforeincaretoincreaseourmeansoflivelihood。Mystrivingafterself—perfection，forwhichIhadalreadysubstitutedastrivingforperfectioningeneral，i。e。progress，wasnowagainreplacedbytheeffortsimplytosecurethebestpossibleconditionsformyselfandmyfamily。
Soanotherfifteenyearspassed。
InspiteofthefactthatInowregardedauthorshipasofnoimportance——thetemptationofimmensemonetaryrewardsandapplauseformyinsignificantwork——andIdevotedmyselftoitasameansofimprovingmymaterialpositionandofstiflinginmysoulallquestionsastothemeaningofmyownlifeorlifeingeneral。
Iwrote：teachingwhatwasformetheonlytruth，namely，thatoneshouldlivesoastohavethebestforoneselfandone’sfamily。
SoIlived；butfiveyearsagosomethingverystrangebegantohappentome。AtfirstIexperiencedmomentsofperplexityandarrestoflife，andthoughIdidnotknowwhattodoorhowtolive；andIfeltlostandbecamedejected。ButthispassedandI
wentonlivingasbefore。Thenthesemomentsofperplexitybegantorecuroftenerandoftener，andalwaysinthesameform。Theywerealwaysexpressedbythequestions：Whatisitfor？Whatdoesitleadto？
Atfirstitseemedtomethatthesewereaimlessandirrelevantquestions。Ithoughtthatitwasallwellknown，andthatifIshouldeverwishtodealwiththesolutionitwouldnotcostmemucheffort；justatpresentIhadnotimeforit，butwhenIwantedtoIshouldbeabletofindtheanswer。Thequestionshoweverbegantorepeatthemselvesfrequently，andtodemandrepliesmoreandmoreinsistently；andlikedropsofinkalwaysfallingononeplacetheyrantogetherintooneblackblot。
Thenoccurredwhathappenstoeveryonesickeningwithamortalinternaldisease。Atfirsttrivialsignsofindispositionappeartowhichthesickmanpaysnoattention；thenthesesignsreappearmoreandmoreoftenandmergeintooneuninterruptedperiodofsuffering。Thesufferingincreases，andbeforethesickmancanlookround，whathetookforamereindispositionhasalreadybecomemoreimportanttohimthananythingelseintheworld——itisdeath!
Thatiswhathappenedtome。Iunderstoodthatitwasnocasualindispositionbutsomethingveryimportant，andthatifthesequestionsconstantlyrepeatedthemselvestheywouldhavetobeanswered。AndItriedtoanswerthem。Thequestionsseemedsuchstupid，simple，childishones；butassoonasItouchedthemandtriedtosolvethemIatoncebecameconvinced，first，thattheyarenotchildishandstupidbutthemostimportantandprofoundoflife’squestions；andsecondlythat，occupyingmyselfwithmySamaraestate，theeducationofmyson，orthewritingofabook，Ihadtoknow*why*Iwasdoingit。AslongasIdidnotknowwhy，Icoulddonothingandcouldnotlive。Amidthethoughtsofestatemanagementwhichgreatlyoccupiedmeatthattime，thequestionwouldsuddenlyoccur："Well，youwillhave6，000
desyatinas[Footnote：Thedesyatinaisabout2。75acres。——A。M。]oflandinSamaraGovernmentand300horses，andwhatthen？"……AndIwasquitedisconcertedanddidnotknowwhattothink。Orwhenconsideringplansfortheeducationofmychildren，Iwouldsaytomyself："Whatfor？"Orwhenconsideringhowthepeasantsmightbecomeprosperous，Iwouldsuddenlysaytomyself："Butwhatdoesitmattertome？"Orwhenthinkingofthefamemyworkswouldbringme，Iwouldsaytomyself，"Verywell；youwillbemorefamousthanGogolorPushkinorShakespeareorMoliere，orthanallthewritersintheworld——andwhatofit？"AndIcouldfindnoreplyatall。Thequestionswouldnotwait，theyhadtobeansweredatonce，andifIdidnotanswerthemitwasimpossibletolive。Buttherewasnoanswer。
IfeltthatwhatIhadbeenstandingonhadcollapsedandthatIhadnothingleftundermyfeet。WhatIhadlivedonnolongerexisted，andtherewasnothingleft。
IV
Mylifecametoastandstill。Icouldbreathe，eat，drink，andsleep，andIcouldnothelpdoingthesethings；buttherewasnolife，fortherewerenowishesthefulfillmentofwhichIcouldconsiderreasonable。IfIdesiredanything，IknewinadvancethatwhetherIsatisfiedmydesireornot，nothingwouldcomeofit。
HadafairycomeandofferedtofulfilmydesiresIshouldnothaveknowwhattoask。IfinmomentsofintoxicationIfeltsomethingwhich，thoughnotawish，wasahabitleftbyformerwishes，insobermomentsIknewthistobeadelusionandthattherewasreallynothingtowishfor。Icouldnotevenwishtoknowthetruth，forIguessedofwhatitconsisted。Thetruthwasthatlifeismeaningless。Ihadasitwerelived，lived，andwalked，walked，tillIhadcometoaprecipiceandsawclearlythattherewasnothingaheadofmebutdestruction。Itwasimpossibletostop，impossibletogoback，andimpossibletoclosemyeyesoravoidseeingthattherewasnothingaheadbutsufferingandrealdeath——
completeannihilation。
Ithadcometothis，thatI，ahealthy，fortunateman，feltI
couldnolongerlive：someirresistiblepowerimpelledmetoridmyselfonewayorotheroflife。IcannotsayI*wished*tokillmyself。Thepowerwhichdrewmeawayfromlifewasstronger，fuller，andmorewidespreadthananymerewish。Itwasaforcesimilartotheformerstrivingtolive，onlyinacontrarydirection。Allmystrengthdrewmeawayfromlife。Thethoughtofself—destructionnowcametomeasnaturallyasthoughtsofhowtoimprovemylifehadcomeformerly。anditwasseductivethatIhadtobecunningwithmyselflestIshouldcarryitouttoohastily。
Ididnotwishtohurry，becauseIwantedtousealleffortstodisentanglethematter。"IfIcannotunravelmatters，therewillalwaysbetime。"anditwasthenthatI，amanfavouredbyfortune，hidacordfrommyselflestIshouldhangmyselffromthecrosspieceofthepartitioninmyroomwhereIundressedaloneeveryevening，andIceasedtogooutshootingwithagunlestI
shouldbetemptedbysoeasyawayofendingmylife。IdidnotmyselfknowwhatIwanted：Ifearedlife，desiredtoescapefromit，yetstillhopedsomethingofit。
AndallthisbefellmeatatimewhenallaroundmeIhadwhatisconsideredcompletegoodfortune。Iwasnotyetfifty；IhadagoodwifewholivedmeandwhomIloved，goodchildren，andalargeestatewhichwithoutmucheffortonmypartimprovedandincreased。
Iwasrespectedbymyrelationsandacquaintancesmorethanatanyprevioustime。Iwaspraisedbyothersandwithoutmuchself—
deceptioncouldconsiderthatmynamewasfamous。Andfarfrombeinginsaneormentallydiseased，IenjoyedonthecontraryastrengthofmindandbodysuchasIhaveseldommetwithamongmenofmykind；physicallyIcouldkeepupwiththepeasantsatmowing，andmentallyIcouldworkforeightandtenhoursatastretchwithoutexperiencinganyillresultsfromsuchexertion。AndinthissituationIcametothis——thatIcouldnotlive，and，fearingdeath，hadtoemploycunningwithmyselftoavoidtakingmyownlife。
Mymentalconditionpresenteditselftomeinthisway：mylifeisastupidandspitefuljokesomeonehasplayedonme。
ThoughIdidnotacknowledgea"someone"whocreatedme，yetsuchapresentation——thatsomeonehadplayedanevilandstupidjokeonmybyplacingmeintheworld——wastheformofexpressionthatsuggesteditselfmostnaturallytome。
Involuntarilyitappearedtomethatthere，somewhere，wassomeonewhoamusedhimselfbywatchinghowIlivedforthirtyorfortyyears：learning，developing，maturinginbodyandmind，andhow，havingwithmaturedmentalpowersreachedthesummitoflifefromwhichitalllaybeforeme，Istoodonthatsummit——likeanarch—fool——seeingclearlythatthereisnothinginlife，andthattherehasbeenandwillbenothing。And*he*wasamused……
Butwhetherthat"someone"laughingatmeexistedornot，I
wasnonethebetteroff。Icouldgivenoreasonablemeaningtoanysingleactionortomywholelife。IwasonlysurprisedthatI
couldhaveavoidedunderstandingthisfromtheverybeginning——ithasbeensolongknowntoall。Todayortomorrowsicknessanddeathwillcome（theyhadcomealready）tothoseIloveortome；
nothingwillremainbutstenchandworms。Soonerorlatermyaffairs，whatevertheymaybe，willbeforgotten，andIshallnotexist。Thenwhygoonmakinganyeffort？……Howcanmanfailtoseethis？Andhowgoonliving？Thatiswhatissurprising!Onecanonlylivewhileoneisintoxicatedwithlife；assoonasoneissoberitisimpossiblenottoseethatitisallamerefraudandastupidfraud!Thatispreciselywhatitis：thereisnothingeitheramusingorwittyaboutit，itissimplycruelandstupid。
ThereisanEasternfable，toldlongago，ofatravellerovertakenonaplainbyanenragedbeast。Escapingfromthebeasthegetsintoadrywell，butseesatthebottomofthewelladragonthathasopeneditsjawstoswallowhim。Andtheunfortunateman，notdaringtoclimboutlestheshouldbedestroyedbytheenragedbeast，andnotdaringtoleaptothebottomofthewelllestheshouldbeeatenbythedragon，seizesstwiggrowinginacrackinthewellandclingstoit。Hishandsaregrowingweakerandhefeelshewillsoonhavetoresignhimselftothedestructionthatawaitshimaboveorbelow，butstillheclingson。Thenheseesthattwomice，ablackoneandawhiteone，goregularlyroundandroundthestemofthetwigtowhichheisclingingandgnawatit。Andsoonthetwigitselfwillsnapandhewillfallintothedragon’sjaws。Thetravellerseesthisandknowsthathewillinevitablyperish；butwhilestillhanginghelooksaround，seessomedropsofhoneyontheleavesofthetwig，reachesthemwithhistongueandlicksthem。SoItooclungtothetwigoflife，knowingthatthedragonofdeathwasinevitablyawaitingme，readytotearmetopieces；andIcouldnotunderstandwhyIhadfallenintosuchtorment。Itriedtolickthehoneywhichformerlyconsoledme，butthehoneynolongergavemepleasure，andthewhiteandblackmiceofdayandnightgnawedatthebranchbywhichIhung。Isawthedragonclearlyandthehoneynolongertastedsweet。Ionlysawtheunescapabledragonandthemice，andIcouldnottearmygazefromthem。andthisisnotafablebuttherealunanswerabletruthintelligibletoall。
Thedeceptionofthejoysoflifewhichformerlyallayedmyterrorofthedragonnownolongerdeceivedme。NomatterhowoftenImaybetold，"Youcannotunderstandthemeaningoflifesodonotthinkaboutit，butlive，"Icannolongerdoit：Ihavealreadydoneittoolong。Icannotnowhelpseeingdayandnightgoingroundandbringingmetodeath。ThatisallIsee，forthataloneistrue。Allelseisfalse。
Thetwodropsofhoneywhichdivertedmyeyesfromthecrueltruthlongerthantherest：myloveoffamily，andofwriting——
artasIcalledit——werenolongersweettome。
"Family"……saidItomyself。Butmyfamily——wifeandchildren——arealsohuman。TheyareplacedjustasIam：theymusteitherliveinalieorseetheterribletruth。Whyshouldtheylive？WhyshouldIlovethem，guardthem，bringthemup，orwatchthem？ThattheymaycometothedespairthatIfeel，orelsebestupid？Lovingthem，Icannothidethetruthfromthem：eachstepinknowledgeleadsthemtothetruth。Andthetruthisdeath。
"Art，poetry？"……Undertheinfluenceofsuccessandthepraiseofmen，Ihadlongassuredmyselfthatthiswasathingonecoulddothoughdeathwasdrawingnear——deathwhichdestroysallthings，includingmyworkanditsremembrance；butsoonIsawthatthattoowasafraud。Itwasplaintomethatartisanadornmentoflife，anallurementtolife。Butlifehadlostitsattractionforme，sohowcouldIattractothers？AslongasIwasnotlivingmyownlifebutwasborneonthewavesofsomeotherlife——aslongasIbelievedthatlifehadameaning，thoughoneIcouldnotexpress——thereflectionoflifeinpoetryandartofallkindsaffordedmepleasure：itwaspleasanttolookatlifeinthemirrorofart。ButwhenIbegantoseekthemeaningoflifeandfeltthenecessityoflivingmyownlife，thatmirrorbecameformeunnecessary，superfluous，ridiculous，orpainful。IcouldnolongersoothemyselfwithwhatInowsawinthemirror，namely，thatmypositionwasstupidanddesperate。ItwasallverywelltoenjoythesightwheninthedepthofmysoulIbelievedthatmylifehadameaning。Thentheplayoflights——comic，tragic，touching，beautiful，andterrible——inlifeamusedme。NosweetnessofhoneycouldbesweettomewhenIsawthedragonandsawthemicegnawingawaymysupport。
Norwasthatall。HadIsimplyunderstoodthatlifehadnomeaningIcouldhaveborneitquietly，knowingthatthatwasmylot。ButIcouldnotsatisfymyselfwiththat。HadIbeenlikeamanlivinginawoodfromwhichheknowsthereisnoexit，Icouldhavelived；butIwaslikeonelostinawoodwho，horrifiedathavinglosthisway，rushesaboutwishingtofindtheroad。Heknowsthateachstephetakesconfuseshimmoreandmore，butstillhecannothelprushingabout。
Itwasindeedterrible。AndtoridmyselfoftheterrorI
wishedtokillmyself。Iexperiencedterroratwhatawaitedme——
knewthatthatterrorwasevenworsethanthepositionIwasin，butstillIcouldnotpatientlyawaittheend。Howeverconvincingtheargumentmightbethatinanycasesomevesselinmyheartwouldgiveway，orsomethingwouldburstandallwouldbeover，I
couldnotpatientlyawaitthatend。Thehorrorofdarknesswastoogreat，andIwishedtofreemyselffromitasquicklyaspossiblebynooseorbullet。thatwasthefeelingwhichdrewmemoststronglytowardssuicide。
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"ButperhapsIhaveoverlookedsomething，ormisunderstoodsomething？"saidtomyselfseveraltimes。"Itcannotbethatthisconditionofdespairisnaturaltoman!"AndIsoughtforanexplanationoftheseproblemsinallthebranchesofknowledgeacquiredbymen。Isoughtpainfullyandlong，notfromidlecuriosityorlistlessly，butpainfullyandpersistentlydayandnight——soughtasaperishingmanseeksforsafety——andIfoundnothing。
Isoughtinallthesciences，butfarfromfindingwhatI
wanted，becameconvincedthatallwholikemyselfhadsoughtinknowledgeforthemeaningoflifehadfoundnothing。Andnotonlyhadtheyfoundnothing，buttheyhadplainlyacknowledgedthattheverythingwhichmademedespair——namelythesenselessnessoflife——istheoneindubitablethingmancanknow。
Isoughteverywhere；andthankstoalifespentinlearning，andthanksalsotomyrelationswiththescholarlyworld，Ihadaccesstoscientistsandscholarsinallbranchesofknowledge，andtheyreadilyshowedmealltheirknowledge，notonlyinbooksbutalsoinconversation，sothatIhadatmydisposalallthatsciencehastosayonthisquestionoflife。
Iwaslongunabletobelievethatitgivesnootherreplytolife’squestionsthanthatwhichitactuallydoesgive。Itlongseemedtome，whenIsawtheimportantandseriousairwithwhichscienceannouncesitsconclusionswhichhavenothingincommonwiththerealquestionsofhumanlife，thattherewassomethingIhadnotunderstood。Ilongwastimidbeforescience，anditseemedtomethatthelackofconformitybetweentheanswersandmyquestionsarosenotbythefaultofsciencebutfrommyignorance，butthematterwasformenotagameoranamusementbutoneoflifeanddeath，andIwasinvoluntarilybroughttotheconvictionthatmyquestionsweretheonlylegitimateones，formingthebasisofallknowledge，andthatIwithmyquestionswasnottoblame，butscienceifitpretendstoreplytothosequestions。
Myquestion——thatwhichattheageoffiftybroughtmetothevergeofsuicide——wasthesimplestofquestions，lyinginthesoulofeverymanfromthefoolishchildtothewisestelder：itwasaquestionwithoutananswertowhichonecannotlive，asIhadfoundbyexperience。Itwas："WhatwillcomeofwhatIamdoingtodayorshalldotomorrow？Whatwillcomeofmywholelife？"
Differentlyexpressed，thequestionis："WhyshouldIlive，whywishforanything，ordoanything？"Itcanalsobeexpressedthus："Isthereanymeaninginmylifethattheinevitabledeathawaitingmedoesnotdestroy？"
Tothisonequestion，variouslyexpressed，Isoughtananswerinscience。AndIfoundthatinrelationtothatquestionallhumanknowledgeisdividedasitwereintotowoppositehemispheresattheendsofwhicharetwopoles：theoneanegativeandtheotherapositive；butthatneitherattheonenortheotherpoleisthereananswertolife’squestions。
Theoneseriesofsciencesseemsnottorecognizethequestion，butrepliesclearlyandexactlytoitsownindependentquestions：thatistheseriesofexperimentalsciences，andattheextremeendofitstandsmathematics。Theotherseriesofsciencesrecognizesthequestion，butdoesnotanswerit；thatistheseriesofabstractsciences，andattheextremeendofitstandsmetaphysics。
FromearlyyouthIhadbeeninterestedintheabstractsciences，butlaterthemathematicalandnaturalsciencesattractedme，anduntilIputmyquestiondefinitelytomyself，untilthatquestionhaditselfgrownupwithinmeurgentlydemandingadecision，Icontentedmyselfwiththosecounterfeitanswerswhichsciencegives。
NowintheexperimentalsphereIsaidtomyself："Everythingdevelopsanddifferentiatesitself，movingtowardscomplexityandperfection，andtherearelawsdirectingthismovement。Youareapartofthewhole。Havinglearntasfaraspossiblethewhole，andhavinglearntthelawofevolution，youwillunderstandalsoyourplaceinthewholeandwillknowyourself。"AshamedasIamtoconfessit，therewaatimewhenIseemedsatisfiedwiththat。ItwasjustthetimewhenIwasmyselfbecomingmorecomplexandwasdeveloping。Mymusclesweregrowingandstrengthening，mymemorywasbeingenriched，mycapacitytothinkandunderstandwasincreasing，Iwasgrowinganddeveloping；andfeelingthisgrowthinmyselfitwasnaturalformetothinkthatsuchwastheuniversallawinwhichIshouldfindthesolutionofthequestionofmylife。Butatimecamewhenthegrowthwithinmeceased。I
feltthatIwasnotdeveloping，butfading，mymuscleswereweakening，myteethfallingout，andIsawthatthelawnotonlydidnotexplainanythingtome，butthatthereneverhadbeenorcouldbesuchalaw，andthatIhadtakenforalawwhatIhadfoundinmyselfatacertainperiodofmylife。Iregardedthedefinitionofthatlawmorestrictly，anditbecamecleartomethattherecouldbenolawofendlessdevelopment；itbecameclearthattosay，"ininfinitespaceandtimeeverythingdevelops，becomesmoreperfectandmorecomplex，isdifferentiated"，istosaynothingatall。Theseareallwordswithnomeaning，forintheinfinitethereisneithercomplexnorsimple，neitherforwardnorbackward，norbetterorworse。
Aboveall，mypersonalquestion，"WhatamIwithmydesires？"
remainedquiteunanswered。AndIunderstoodthatthosesciencesareveryinterestingandattractive，butthattheyareexactandclearininverseproportiontotheirapplicabilitytothequestionoflife：thelesstheirapplicabilitytothequestionoflife，themoreexactandcleartheyare，whilethemoretheytrytoreplytothequestionoflife，themoreobscureandunattractivetheybecome。Ifoneturnstothedivisionofscienceswhichattempttoreplytothequestionsoflife——tophysiology，psychology，biology，sociology——oneencountersanappallingpovertyofthought，thegreatestobscurity，aquiteunjustifiablepretensiontosolveirrelevantquestion，andacontinualcontradictionofeachauthoritybyothersandevenbyhimself。Ifoneturnstothebranchesofsciencewhicharenotconcernedwiththesolutionofthequestionsoflife，butwhichreplytotheirownspecialscientificquestions，oneisenrapturedbythepowerofman’smind，butoneknowsinadvancethattheygivenoreplytolife’squestions。Thosesciencessimplyignorelife’squestions。Theysay："Tothequestionofwhatyouareandwhyyoulivewehavenoreply，andarenotoccupiedwiththat；butifyouwanttoknowthelawsoflight，ofchemicalcombinations，thelawsofdevelopmentoforganisms，ifyouwanttoknowthelawsofbodiesandtheirform，andtherelationofnumbersandquantities，ifyouwanttoknowthelawsofyourmind，toallthatwehaveclear，exactandunquestionablereplies。"
Ingeneraltherelationoftheexperimentalsciencestolife’squestionmaybeexpressedthus：Question："WhydoIlive？"
Answer："Ininfinitespace，ininfinitetime，infinitelysmallparticleschangetheirformsininfinitecomplexity，andwhenyouhaveunderstoodthelawsofthosemutationsofformyouwillunderstandwhyyouliveontheearth。"
TheninthesphereofabstractscienceIsaidtomyself："Allhumanitylivesanddevelopsonthebasisofspiritualprinciplesandidealswhichguideit。Thoseidealsareexpressedinreligions，insciences，inarts，informsofgovernment。Thoseidealsbecomemoreandmoreelevated，andhumanityadvancestoitshighestwelfare。Iampartofhumanity，andthereforemyvocationistoforwardtherecognitionandtherealizationoftheidealsofhumanity。"Andatthetimeofmyweak—mindednessIwassatisfiedwiththat；butassoonasthequestionoflifepresenteditselfclearlytome，thosetheoriesimmediatelycrumbledaway。Nottospeakoftheunscrupulousobscuritywithwhichthosesciencesannounceconclusionsformedonthestudyofasmallpartofmankindasgeneralconclusions；nottospeakofthemutualcontradictionsofdifferentadherentsofthisviewastowhataretheidealsofhumanity；thestrangeness，nottosaystupidity，ofthetheoryconsistsinthefactthatinordertoreplytothequestionfacingeachman："WhatamI？"or"WhydoIlive？"or"WhatmustIdo？"
onehasfirsttodecidethequestion："Whatisthelifeofthewhole？"（whichistohimunknownandofwhichheisacquaintedwithonetinypartinoneminuteperiodoftime。Tounderstandwhatheis，onemanmustfirstunderstandallthismysterioushumanity，consistingofpeoplesuchashimselfwhodonotunderstandoneanother。
IhavetoconfessthattherewasatimewhenIbelievedthis。
ItwasthetimewhenIhadmyownfavouriteidealsjustifyingmyowncaprices，andIwastryingtodeviseatheorywhichwouldallowonetoconsidermycapricesasthelawofhumanity。Butassoonasthequestionoflifearoseinmysoulinfullclearnessthatreplyatoncefewtodust。AndIunderstoodthatasintheexperimentalsciencestherearerealsciences，andsemi—scienceswhichtrytogiveanswerstoquestionsbeyondtheircompetence，sointhisspherethereisawholeseriesofmostdiffusedscienceswhichtrytoreplytoirrelevantquestions。Semi—sciencesofthatkind，thejuridicalandthesocial—historical，endeavourtosolvethequestionsofaman’slifebypretendingtodecideeachinitsownway，thequestionofthelifeofallhumanity。
Butasinthesphereofman’sexperimentalknowledgeonewhosincerelyinquireshowheistolivecannotbesatisfiedwiththereply——"Studyinendlessspacethemutations，infiniteintimeandincomplexity，ofinnumerableatoms，andthenyouwillunderstandyourlife"——soalsoasinceremancannotbesatisfiedwiththereply："Studythewholelifeofhumanityofwhichwecannotknoweitherthebeginningortheend，ofwhichwedonotevenknowasmallpart，andthenyouwillunderstandyourownlife。"Andliketheexperimentalsemi—sciences，sotheseothersemi—sciencesarethemorefilledwithobscurities，inexactitudes，stupidities，andcontradictions，thefurthertheydivergefromtherealproblems。Theproblemofexperimentalscienceisthesequenceofcauseandeffectinmaterialphenomena。Itisonlynecessaryforexperimentalsciencetointroducethequestionofafinalcauseforittobecomenonsensical。Theproblemofabstractscienceistherecognitionoftheprimordialessenceoflife。Itisonlynecessarytointroducetheinvestigationofconsequentialphenomena（suchassocialandhistoricalphenomena）anditalsobecomesnonsensical。
Experimentalscienceonlythengivespositiveknowledgeanddisplaysthegreatnessofthehumanmindwhenitdoesnotintroduceintoitsinvestigationsthequestionofanultimatecause。And，onthecontrary，abstractscienceisonlythenscienceanddisplaysthegreatnessofthehumanmindwhenitputsquiteasidequestionsrelatingtotheconsequentialcausesofphenomenaandregardsmansolelyinrelationtoanultimatecause。Suchinthisrealmofscience——formingthepoleofthesphere——ismetaphysicsorphilosophy。Thatsciencestatesthequestionclearly："WhatamI，andwhatistheuniverse？AndwhydoIexist，andwhydoestheuniverseexist？"Andsinceithasexistedithasalwaysrepliedinthesameway。Whetherthephilosophercallstheessenceoflifeexistingwithinme，andinallthatexists，bythenameof"idea"，or"substance"，or"spirit"，or"will"，hesaysoneandthesamething：thatthisessenceexistsandthatIamofthatsameessence；butwhyitishedoesnotknow，anddoesnotsay，ifheisanexactthinker。Iask："Whyshouldthisessenceexist？Whatresultsfromthefactthatitisandwillbe？"……Andphilosophynotmerelydoesnotreply，butisitselfonlyaskingthatquestion。
Andifitisrealphilosophyallitslabourliesmerelyintryingtoputthatquestionclearly。Andifitkeepsfirmlytoitstaskitcannotreplytothequestionotherwisethanthus："WhatamI，andwhatistheuniverse？""Allandnothing"；andtothequestion"Why？"by"Idonotknow"。
SothathoweverImayturntheserepliesofphilosophy，Icanneverobtainanythinglikeananswer——andnotbecause，asintheclearexperimentalsphere，thereplydoesnotrelatetomyquestion，butbecausehere，thoughallthementalworkisdirectedjusttomyquestion，thereisnoanswer，butinsteadofanansweronegetsthesamequestion，onlyinacomplexform。
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Inmysearchforanswerstolife’squestionsIexperiencedjustwhatisfeltbyamanlostinaforest。