Hereachesaglade，climbsatree，andclearlyseesthelimitlessdistance，butseesthathishomeisnotandcannotbethere；thenhegoesintothedarkwoodandseesthedarkness，buttherealsohishomeisnot。
　　SoIwanderednthatwoodofhumanknowledge，amidthegleamsofmathematicalandexperimentalsciencewhichshowedmeclearhorizonsbutinadirectionwheretherecouldbenohome，andalsoamidthedarknessoftheabstractscienceswhereIwasimmersedindeepergloomthefurtherIwent，andwhereIfinallyconvincedmyselfthattherewas，andcouldbe，noexit。
　　Yieldingmyselftothebrightsideofknowledge，IunderstoodthatIwasonlydivertingmygazefromthequestion。Howeveralluringlyclearthosehorizonswhichopenedoutbeforememightbe，howeveralluringitmightbetoimmerseoneselfinthelimitlessexpanseofthosesciences，Ialreadyunderstoodthattheclearertheywerethelesstheymetmyneedandthelesstheyappliedtomyquestion。
　　"Iknow，"saidItomyself，"whatsciencesopersistentlytriestodiscover，andalongthatroadthereisnoreplytothequestionastothemeaningofmylife。"IntheabstractsphereI
　　understoodthatnotwithstandingthefact，orjustbecauseofthefact，thatthedirectaimofscienceistoreplytomyquestion，thereisnoreplybutthatwhichIhavemyselfalreadygiven：
　　"Whatisthemeaningofmylife？""Thereisnone。"Or："Whatwillcomeofmylife？""Nothing。"Or："Whydoeseverythingexistthatexists，andwhydoIexist？""Becauseitexists。"
　　Inquiringforoneregionofhumanknowledge，IreceivedaninnumerablequantityofexactrepliesconcerningmattersaboutwhichIhadnotasked：aboutthechemicalconstituentsofthestars，aboutthemovementofthesuntowardstheconstellationHercules，abouttheoriginofspeciesandofman，abouttheformsofinfinitelyminuteimponderableparticlesofether；butinthissphereofknowledgetheonlyanswertomyquestion，"Whatisthemeaningofmylife？"was："Youarewhatyoucallyour’life’；youareatransitory，casualcohesionofparticles。Themutualinteractionsandchangesoftheseparticlesproduceinyouwhatyoucallyour"life"。Thatcohesionwilllastsometime；afterwardstheinteractionoftheseparticleswillceaseandwhatyoucall"life"willcease，andsowillallyourquestions。Youareanaccidentallyunitedlittlelumpofsomething。thatlittlelumpferments。Thelittlelumpcallsthatfermentingits’life’。Thelumpwilldisintegrateandtherewillbeanendofthefermentingandofallthequestions。"Soanswerstheclearsideofscienceandcannotanswerotherwiseifitstrictlyfollowsitsprinciples。
　　Fromsuchareplyoneseesthatthereplydoesnotanswerthequestion。Iwanttoknowthemeaningofmylife，butthatitisafragmentoftheinfinite，farfromgivingitameaningdestroysitseverypossiblemeaning。Theobscurecompromiseswhichthatsideofexperimentalexactsciencemakeswithabstractsciencewhenitsaysthatthemeaningoflifeconsistsindevelopmentandincooperationwithdevelopment，owingtotheirinexactnessandobscuritycannotbeconsideredasreplies。
　　Theothersideofscience——theabstractside——whenitholdsstrictlytoitsprinciples，replyingdirectlytothequestion，alwaysreplies，andinallageshasreplied，inoneandthesameway："Theworldissomethinginfiniteandincomprehensiblepartofthatincomprehensible’all’。"AgainI
　　excludeallthosecompromisesbetweenabstractandexperimentalscienceswhichsupplythewholeballastofthesemi—sciencescalledjuridical，political，andhistorical。Inthosesemi—sciencestheconceptionofdevelopmentandprogressisagainwronglyintroduced，onlywiththisdifference，thatthereitwasthedevelopmentofeverythingwhilehereitisthedevelopmentofthelifeofmankind。
　　Theerroristhereasbefore：developmentandprogressininfinitycanhavenoaimordirection，and，asfarasmyquestionisconcerned，noanswerisgiven。
　　Intrulyabstractscience，namelyingenuinephilosophy——notinthatwhichSchopenhauercalls"professorialphilosophy"whichservesonlytoclassifyallexistingphenomenainnewphilosophiccategoriesandtocallthembynewnames——wherethephilosopherdoesnotlosesightoftheessentialquestion，thereplyisalwaysoneandthesame——thereplygivenbySocrates，Schopenhauer，Solomon，andbuddha。
　　"Weapproachtruthonlyinasmuchaswedepartfromlife"，saidSocrateswhenpreparingfordeath。"Forwhatdowe，wholovetruth，striveafterinlife？Tofreeourselvesfromthebody，andfromalltheevilthatiscausedbythelifeofthebody!Ifso，thenhowcanwefailtobegladwhendeathcomestous？
　　"Thewisemanseeksdeathallhislifeandthereforedeathisnotterribletohim。"
　　AndSchopenhauersays：
　　"Havingrecognizedtheinmostessenceoftheworldas*will*，andallitsphenomena——fromtheunconsciousworkingoftheobscureforcesofNatureuptothecompletelyconsciousactionofman——asonlytheobjectivityofthatwill，weshallinnowayavoidtheconclusionthattogetherwiththevoluntaryrenunciationandself—destructionofthewillallthosephenomenaalsodisappear，thatconstantstrivingandeffortwithoutaimorrestonallthestagesofobjectivityinwhichandthroughwhichtheworldexists；thediversityofsuccessiveformswilldisappear，andtogetherwiththeformallthemanifestationsofwill，withitsmostuniversalforms，spaceandtime，andfinallyitsmostfundamentalform——subjectandobject。Withoutwillthereisnoconceptandnoworld。Beforeus，certainly，nothingremains。Butwhatresiststhistransitionintoannihilation，ournature，isonlythatsamewishtolive——*WillezumLeben*——whichformsourselvesaswellasourworld。Thatwearesoafraidofannihilationor，whatisthesamething，thatwesowishtolive，merelymeansthatweareourselvesnothingelsebutthisdesiretolive，andknownothingbutit。Andsowhatremainsafterthecompleteannihilationofthewill，foruswhoaresofullofthewill，is，ofcourse，nothing；butontheotherhand，forthoseinwhomthewillhasturnedandrenounceditself，thissorealworldofourswithallitssunsandmilkywayisnothing。"
　　"Vanityofvanities"，saysSolomon——"vanityofvanities——
　　allisvanity。Whatprofithathamanofallhislaborwhichhetakethunderthesun？Onegenerationpassethaway，andanothergenerationcommeth：buttheearthabidethforever……Thethingthathathbeen，isthatwhichshallbe；andthatwhichisdoneisthatwhichshallbedone：andthereisnonewthingunderthesun。
　　Isthereanythingwhereofitmaybesaid，See，thisisnew？ithathbeenalreadyofoldtime，whichwasbeforeus。thereisnoremembranceofformerthings；neithershalltherebeanyremembranceofthingsthataretocomewiththosethatshallcomeafter。IthePreacherwasKingoverIsraelinJerusalem。AndI
　　gavemyhearttoseekandsearchoutbywisdomconcerningallthatisdoneunderheaven：thissoretravailhathGodgiventothesonsofmantobeexercisedtherewith。Ihaveseenalltheworksthataredoneunderthesun；andbehold，allisvanityandvexationofspirit……Icommunedwithmyownheart，saying，Lo，Iamcometogreatestate，andhavegottenmorewisdomthanalltheythathavebeenbeforemeoverJerusalem：yea，myhearthathgreatexperienceofwisdomandknowledge。AndIgavemyhearttoknowwisdom，andtoknowmadnessandfolly：Iperceivedthatthisalsoisvexationofspirit。Forinmuchwisdomismuchgrief：andhethatincreasethknowledgeincreasethsorrow。
　　"Isaidinmyheart，Gotonow，Iwillprovetheewithmirth，thereforeenjoypleasure：andbeholdthisalsoisvanity。Isaidoflaughter，Itismad：andofmirth，Whatdoethit？Isoughtinmyhearthowtocheermyfleshwithwine，andwhilemyheartwasguidedbywisdom，tolayholdonfolly，tillImightseewhatitwasgoodforthesonsofmenthattheyshoulddounderheaventhenumberofthedaysoftheirlife。Imademegreatworks；Ibuildedmehouses；Iplantedmevineyards；Imademegardensandorchards，andIplantedtreesinthemofallkindsoffruits：Imademepoolsofwater，towatertherefromtheforestwheretreeswerereared：I
　　gotmeservantsandmaidens，andhadservantsborninmyhouse；
　　alsoIhadgreatpossessionsofherdsandflocksaboveallthatwerebeforemeinJerusalem：Igatheredmealsosilverandgoldandthepeculiartreasurefromkingsandfromtheprovinces：Igotmemensingersandwomensingers；andthedelightsofthesonsofmen，asmusicalinstrumentsandallthatofallsorts。SoIwasgreat，andincreasedmorethanallthatwerebeforemeinJerusalem：alsomywisdomremainedwithme。AndwhatevermineeyesdesiredIkeptnotfromthem。Iwithheldnotmyheartfromanyjoy……ThenI
　　lookedonalltheworksthatmyhandshadwrought，andonthelabourthatIhadlabouredtodo：and，behold，allwasvanityandvexationofspirit，andtherewasnoprofitfromthemunderthesun。AndIturnedmyselftobeholdwisdom，andmadness，andfolly……ButIperceivedthatoneevenhappenethtothemall。
　　ThensaidIinmyheart，Asithappenethtothefool，soithappenetheventome，andwhywasIthenmorewise？thenIsaidinmyheart，thatthisalsoisvanity。Forthereisnoremembranceofthewisemorethanofthefoolforever；seeingthatwhichnowisinthedaystocomeshallallbeforgotten。Andhowdieththewiseman？asthefool。ThereforeIhatedlife；becausetheworkthatiswroughtunderthesunisgrievousuntome：forallisvanityandvexationofspirit。Yea，IhatedallmylabourwhichIhadtakenunderthesun：seeingthatImustleaveituntothemanthatshallbeafterme……Forwhathathmanofallhislabour，andofthevexationofhisheart，whereinhehathlabouredunderthesun？Forallhisdaysaresorrows，andhistravailgrief；yea，eveninthenighthishearttakethnorest。thisisalsovanity。Manisnotblessedwithsecuritythatheshouldeatanddrinkandcheerhissoulfromhisownlabour……Allthingscomealiketoall：thereisoneeventtotherighteousandtothewicked；tothegoodandtotheevil；tothecleanandtotheunclean；tohimthatsacrificethandtohimthatsacrificethnot；asisthegood，soisthesinner；
　　andhethatsweareth，ashethatfearethanoath。Thisisanevilinallthatisdoneunderthesun，thatthereisoneeventuntoall；yea，alsotheheartofthesonsofmenisfullofevil，andmadnessisintheirheartwhiletheylive，andafterthattheygotothedead。Forhimthatisamongthelivingthereishope：foralivingdogisbetterthanadeadlion。Forthelivingknowthattheyshalldie：butthedeadknownotanything，neitherhavetheyanymoreareward；forthememoryofthemisforgotten。alsotheirlove，andtheirhatred，andtheirenvy，isnowperished；neitherhavetheyanymoreaportionforeverinanythingthatisdoneunderthesun。"
　　SosaidSolomon，orwhoeverwrotethosewords。[Footnote：
　　tolstoy’sversiondiffersslightlyinafewplacesfromourownAuthorizedorRevisedversion。Ihavefollowedhistext，forinalettertoFet，quotedonp。18，vol。ii，ofmy"LifeofTolstoy，"
　　hesaysthat"TheAuthorizedEnglishversion[ofEcclesiastes]isbad。"——A。M。]
　　AndthisiswhattheIndianwisdomtells：
　　SakyaMuni，ayoung，happyprince，fromwhomtheexistenceofsickness，oldage，anddeathhadbeenhidden，wentouttodriveandsawaterribleoldman，toothlessandslobbering。theprince，fromwhomtillthenoldagehadbeenconcealed，wasamazed，andaskedhisdriverwhatitwas，andhowthatmanhadcometosuchawretchedanddisgustingcondition，andwhenhelearntthatthiswasthecommonfateofallmen，thatthesamethinginevitablyawaitedhim——theyoungprince——hecouldnotcontinuehisdrive，butgaveorderstogohome，thathemightconsiderthisfact。Soheshuthimselfupaloneandconsideredit。andheprobablydevisedsomeconsolationforhimself，forhesubsequentlyagainwentouttodrive，feelingmerryandhappy。Butthistimehesawasickman。
　　Hesawanemaciated，livid，tremblingmanwithdimeyes。Theprince，fromwhomsicknesshadbeenconcealed，stoppedandaskedwhatthiswas。Andwhenhelearntthatthiswassickness，towhichallmenareliable，andthathehimself——ahealthyandhappyprince——mighthimselffallilltomorrow，heagainwasinnomoodtoenjoyhimselfbutgaveorderstodrivehome，andagainsoughtsomesolace，andprobablyfoundit，forhedroveoutathirdtimeforpleasure。Butthisthirdtimehesawanothernewsight：hesawmencarryingsomething。’Whatisthat？’’Adeadman。’’Whatdoes*dead*mean？’askedtheprince。Hewastoldthattobecomedeadmeanstobecomelikethatman。Theprinceapproachedthecorpse，uncoveredit，andlookedatit。’Whatwillhappentohimnow？’
　　askedtheprince。Hewastoldthatthecorpsewouldbeburiedintheground。’Why？’’Becausehewillcertainlynotreturntolife，andwillonlyproduceastenchandworms。’’Andisthatthefateofallmen？Willthesamethinghappentome？Willtheyburyme，andshallIcauseastenchandbeeatenbyworms？’’Yes。’’Home!
　　Ishallnotdriveoutforpleasure，andneverwillsodriveoutagain!’
　　AndSakyaMunicouldfindnoconsolationinlife，anddecidedthatlifeisthegreatestofevils；andhedevotedallthestrengthofhissoultofreehimselffromit，andtofreeothers；andtodothissothat，evenafterdeath，lifeshallnotberenewedanymorebutbecompletelydestroyedatitsveryroots。SospeaksallthewisdomofIndia。
　　Thesearethedirectrepliesthathumanwisdomgiveswhenitrepliestolife’squestion。
　　"Thelifeofthebodyisanevilandalie。Thereforethedestructionofthelifeofthebodyisablessing，andweshoulddesireit，"saysSocrates。
　　"Lifeisthatwhichshouldnotbe——anevil；andthepassageintoNothingnessistheonlygoodinlife，"saysSchopenhauer。
　　"Allthatisintheworld——follyandwisdomandrichesandpovertyandmirthandgrief——isvanityandemptiness。Mandiesandnothingisleftofhim。Andthatisstupid，"saysSolomon。
　　"Tolifeintheconsciousnessoftheinevitabilityofsuffering，ofbecomingenfeebled，ofoldageandofdeath，isimpossible——wemustfreeourselvesfromlife，fromallpossiblelife，"saysBuddha。
　　Andwhatthesestrongmindssaidhasbeensaidandthoughtandfeltbymillionsuponmillionsofpeoplelikethem。AndIhavethoughtitandfeltit。
　　Somywanderingamongthesciences，farfromfreeingmefrommydespair，onlystrengthenedit。Onekindofknowledgedidnotreplytolife’squestion，theotherkindreplieddirectlyconfirmingmydespair，indicatingnotthattheresultatwhichI
　　hadarrivedwasthefruitoferrororofadiseasedstateofmymind，butonthecontrarythatIhadthoughtcorrectly，andthatmythoughtscoincidedwiththeconclusionsofthemostpowerfulofhumanminds。
　　Itisnogooddeceivingoneself。Itisall——vanity!Happyishewhohasnotbeenborn：deathisbetterthanlife，andonemustfreeoneselffromlife。
　　VII
　　NotfindinganexplanationinscienceIbegantoseekforitinlife，hopingtofinditamongthepeoplearoundme。AndIbegantoobservehowthepeoplearoundme——peoplelikemyself——lived，andwhattheirattitudewastothisquestionwhichhadbroughtmetodespair。
　　AndthisiswhatIfoundamongpeoplewhowereinthesamepositionasmyselfasregardseducationandmanneroflife。
　　Ifoundthatforpeopleofmycircletherewerefourwaysoutoftheterriblepositioninwhichweareallplaced。
　　Thefirstwasthatofignorance。Itconsistsinnotknowing，notunderstanding，thatlifeisanevilandanabsurdity。Peopleofthissort——chieflywomen，orveryyoungorverydullpeople——
　　havenotyetunderstoodthatquestionoflifewhichpresenteditselftoSchopenhauer，Solomon，andBuddha。Theyseeneitherthedragonthatawaitsthemnorthemicegnawingtheshrubbywhichtheyarehanging，andtheylickthedropsofhoney。buttheylickthosedropsofhoneyonlyforawhile：somethingwillturntheirattentiontothedragonandthemice，andtherewillbeanendtotheirlicking。FromthemIhadnothingtolearn——onecannotceasetoknowwhatonedoesknow。
　　Thesecondwayoutisepicureanism。Itconsists，whileknowingthehopelessnessoflife，inmakingusemeanwhileoftheadvantagesonehas，disregardingthedragonandthemice，andlickingthehoneyinthebestway，especiallyifthereismuchofitwithinreach。Solomonexpressesthiswayoutthus："ThenI
　　commendedmirth，becauseamanhathnobetterthingunderthesun，thantoeat，andtodrink，andtobemerry：andthatthisshouldaccompanyhiminhislabourthedaysofhislife，whichGodgivethhimunderthesun。
　　"Thereforeeatthybreadwithjoyanddrinkthywinewithamerryheart……Livejoyfullywiththewifewhomthoulovestallthedaysofthelifeofthyvanity……forthisisthyportioninlifeandinthylabourswhichthoutakestunderthesun……
　　Whatsoeverthyhandfindethtodo，doitwiththymight，forthereisnotwork，nordevice，norknowledge，norwisdom，inthegrave，whitherthougoest。"
　　Thatisthewayinwhichthemajorityofpeopleofourcirclemakelifepossibleforthemselves。Theircircumstancesfurnishthemwithmoreofwelfarethanofhardship，andtheirmoraldullnessmakesitpossibleforthemtoforgetthattheadvantageoftheirpositionisaccidental，andthatnoteveryonecanhaveathousandwivesandpalaceslikeSolomon，thatforeveryonewhohasathousandwivesthereareathousandwithoutawife，andthatforeachpalacethereareathousandpeoplewhohavetobuilditinthesweatoftheirbrows；andthattheaccidentthathastodaymademeaSolomonmaytomorrowmakemeaSolomon’sslave。Thedullnessofthesepeople’simaginationenablesthemtoforgetthethingsthatgaveBuddhanopeace——theinevitabilityofsickness，oldage，anddeath，whichtodayortomorrowwilldestroyallthesepleasures。
　　Sothinkandfeelthemajorityofpeopleofourdayandourmanneroflife。Thefactthatsomeofthesepeopledeclarethedullnessoftheirthoughtsandimaginationstobeaphilosophy，whichtheycallPositive，doesnotremovethem，inmyopinion，fromtheranksofthosewho，toavoidseeingthequestion，lickthehoney。Icouldnotimitatethesepeople；nothavingtheirdullnessofimaginationIcouldnotartificiallyproduceitinmyself。I
　　couldnottearmyeyesfromthemiceandthedragon，asnovitalmancanafterhehasonceseenthem。
　　Thethirdescapeisthatofstrengthandenergy。Itconsistsindestroyinglife，whenonehasunderstoodthatitisanevilandanabsurdity。Afewexceptionallystrongandconsistentpeopleactso。Havingunderstoodthestupidityofthejokethathasbeenplayedonthem，andhavingunderstoodthatitisbettertobedeadthantobealive，andthatitisbestofallnottoexist，theyactaccordinglyandpromptlyendthisstupidjoke，sincetherearemeans：aroperoundone’sneck，water，aknifetostickintoone’sheart，orthetrainsontherailways；andthenumberofthoseofourcirclewhoactinthiswaybecomesgreaterandgreater，andforthemostparttheyactsoatthebesttimeoftheirlife，whenthestrengthoftheirmindisinfullbloomandfewhabitsdegradingtothemindhaveasyetbeenacquired。
　　IsawthatthiswastheworthiestwayofescapeandIwishedtoadoptit。
　　Thefourthwayoutisthatofweakness。Itconsistsinseeingthetruthofthesituationandyetclingingtolife，knowinginadvancethatnothingcancomeofit。Peopleofthiskindknowthatdeathisbetterthanlife，butnothavingthestrengthtoactrationally——toendthedeceptionquicklyandkillthemselves——
　　theyseemtowaitforsomething。Thisistheescapeofweakness，forifIknowwhatisbestanditiswithinmypower，whynotyieldtowhatisbest？……Ifoundmyselfinthatcategory。
　　Sopeopleofmyclassevadetheterriblecontradictioninfourways。StrainmyattentionasIwould，Isawnowayexceptthosefour。Onewaywasnottounderstandthatlifeissenseless，vanity，andanevil，andthatitisbetternottolive。Icouldnothelpknowingthis，andwhenIonceknewitcouldnotshutmyeyestoit。thesecondwaywastouselifesuchasitiswithoutthinkingofthefuture。AndIcouldnotdothat。I，likeSakyaMuni，couldnotrideouthuntingwhenIknewthatoldage，suffering，anddeathexist。Myimaginationwastoovivid。NorcouldIrejoiceinthemomentaryaccidentsthatforaninstantthrewpleasuretomylot。Thethirdway，havingunderstoodthatlifeisevilandstupid，wastoenditbykillingoneself。I
　　understoodthat，butsomehowstilldidnotkillmyself。ThefourthwaywastolivelikeSolomonandSchopenhauer——knowingthatlifeisastupidjokeplayeduponus，andstilltogoonliving，washingoneself，dressing，dining，talking，andevenwritingbooks。Thiswastomerepulsiveandtormenting，butIremainedinthatposition。
　　IseenowthatifIdidnotkillmyselfitwasduetosomedimconsciousnessoftheinvalidityofmythoughts。Howeverconvincingandindubitableappearedtomethesequenceofmythoughtsandofthoseofthewisethathavebroughtustotheadmissionofthesenselessnessoflife，thereremainedinmeavaguedoubtofthejusticeofmyconclusion。
　　Itwaslikethis：I，myreason，haveacknowledgedthatlifeissenseless。Ifthereisnothinghigherthanreason（andthereisnot：nothingcanprovethatthereis），thenreasonisthecreatoroflifeforme。Ifreasondidnotexisttherewouldbeformenolife。Howcanreasondenylifewhenitisthecreatoroflife？Ortoputittheotherway：weretherenolife，myreasonwouldnotexist；thereforereasonislife’sson。Lifeisall。Reasonisitsfruityetreasonrejectslifeitself!Ifeltthattherewassomethingwronghere。
　　Lifeisasenselessevil，thatiscertain，saidItomyself。
　　YetIhavelivedandamstillliving，andallmankindlivedandlives。Howisthat？Whydoesitlive，whenitispossiblenottolive？IsitthatonlyIandSchopenhauerarewiseenoughtounderstandthesenselessnessandeviloflife？
　　Thereasoningshowingthevanityoflifeisnotsodifficult，andhaslongbeenfamiliartotheverysimplestfolk；yettheyhavelivedandstilllive。Howisittheyallliveandneverthinkofdoubtingthereasonablenessoflife？
　　Myknowledge，confirmedbythewisdomofthesages，hasshownmethateverythingonearth——organicandinorganic——isallmostcleverlyarranged——onlymyownpositionisstupid。andthosefools——theenormousmassesofpeople——knownothingabouthoweverythingorganicandinorganicintheworldisarranged；buttheylive，anditseemstothemthattheirlifeisverywiselyarranged!……
　　Anditstruckme："ButwhatifthereissomethingIdonotyetknow？Ignorancebehavesjustinthatway。IgnorancealwayssaysjustwhatIamsaying。Whenitdoesnotknowsomething，itsaysthatwhatitdoesnotknowisstupid。Indeed，itappearsthatthereisawholehumanitythatlivedandlivesasifitunderstoodthemeaningofitslife，forwithoutunderstandingitcouldnotlive；butIsaythatallthislifeissenselessandthatIcannotlive。
　　"Nothingpreventsourdenyinglifebysuicide。wellthen，killyourself，andyouwon’tdiscuss。Iflifedispleasesyou，killyourself!Youlive，andcannotunderstandthemeaningoflife——
　　thenfinishit，anddonotfoolaboutinlife，sayingandwritingthatyoudonotunderstandit。Youhavecomeintogoodcompanywherepeoplearecontentedandknowwhattheyaredoing；ifyoufinditdullandrepulsive——goaway!"
　　Indeed，whatarewewhoareconvincedofthenecessityofsuicideyetdonotdecidetocommitit，buttheweakest，mostinconsistent，andtoputitplainly，thestupidestofmen，fussingaboutwithourownstupidityasafoolfussesaboutwithapaintedhussy？Forourwisdom，howeverindubitableitmaybe，hasnotgivenustheknowledgeofthemeaningofourlife。Butallmankindwhosustainlife——millionsofthem——donotdoubtthemeaningoflife。
　　Indeed，fromthemostdistanttimeofwhichIknowanything，whenlifebegan，peoplehavelivedknowingtheargumentaboutthevanityoflifewhichhasshownmeitssenselessness，andyettheylivedattributingsomemeaningtoit。
　　Fromthetimewhenanylifebeganamongmentheyhadthatmeaningoflife，andtheyledthatlifewhichhasdescendedtome。
　　Allthatisinmeandaroundme，all，corporealandincorporeal，isthefruitoftheirknowledgeoflife。ThoseveryinstrumentsofthoughtwithwhichIconsiderthislifeandcondemnitwerealldevisednotbemebutbythem。Imyselfwasborn，taught，andbroughtupthankstothem。Theydugouttheiron，taughtustocutdowntheforests，tamedthecowsandhorses，taughtustosowcornandtolivetogether，organizedourlife，andtaughtmetothinkandspeak。AndI，theirproduct，fed，suppliedwithdrink，taughtbythem，thinkingwiththeirthoughtsandwords，havearguedthattheyareanabsurdity!"Thereissomethingwrong，"saidItomyself。"Ihaveblunderedsomewhere。"ButitwasalongtimebeforeIcouldfindoutwherethemistakewas。
　　VIII
　　Allthesedoubts，whichIamnowabletoexpressmoreorlesssystematically，Icouldnotthenhaveexpressed。Ithenonlyfeltthathoweverlogicallyinevitableweremyconclusionsconcerningthevanityoflife，confirmedastheywerebythegreatestthinkers，therewassomethingnotrightaboutthem。WhetheritwasinthereasoningitselforinthestatementofthequestionIdidnotknow——Ionlyfeltthattheconclusionwasrationallyconvincing，butthatthatwasinsufficient。Alltheseconclusionscouldnotsoconvincemeastomakemedowhatfollowedfrommyreasoning，thatistosay，killmyself。AndIshouldhavetoldanuntruthhadI，withoutkillingmyself，saidthatreasonhadbroughtmetothepointIhadreached。Reasonworked，butsomethingelsewasalsoworkingwhichIcanonlycallaconsciousnessoflife。A
　　forcewasworkingwhichcompelledmetoturnmyattentiontothisandnottothat；anditwasthisforcewhichextricatedmefrommydesperatesituationandturnedmymindinquiteanotherdirection。
　　ThisforcecompelledmetoturnmyattentiontothefactthatIandafewhundredsimilarpeoplearenotthewholeofmankind，andthatIdidnotyetknowthelifeofmankind。
　　Lookingatthenarrowcircleofmyequals，Isawonlypeoplewhohadnotunderstoodthequestion，orwhohadunderstooditanddrowneditinlife’sintoxication，orhadunderstooditandendedtheirlives，orhadunderstooditandyetfromweaknesswerelivingouttheirdesperatelife。AndIsawnoothers。Itseemedtomethatthatnarrowcircleofrich，learned，andleisuredpeopletowhichIbelongedformedthewholeofhumanity，andthatthosemilliardsofotherswhohavelivedandarelivingwerecattleofsomesort——notrealpeople。
　　Strange，incrediblyincomprehensibleasitnowseemstomethatIcould，whilereasoningaboutlife，overlookthewholelifeofmankindthatsurroundedmeonallsides；thatIcouldtosuchadegreeblundersoabsurdlyastothinkthatmylife，andSolomon’sandSchopenhauer’s，isthereal，normallife，andthatthelifeofthemilliardsisacircumstanceundeservingofattention——strangeasthisnowistome，Iseethatsoitwas。InthedelusionofmyprideofintellectitseemedtomesoindubitablethatIandSolomonandSchopenhauerhadstatedthequestionsotrulyandexactlythatnothingelsewaspossible——soindubitablediditseemthatallthosemilliardsconsistedofmenwhohadnotyetarrivedatanapprehensionofalltheprofundityofthequestion——
　　thatIsoughtforthemeaningofmylifewithoutitonceoccurringtometoask："Butwhatmeaningisandhasbeengiventotheirlivesbyallthemilliardsofcommonfolkwholiveandhavelivedintheworld？"
　　Ilonglivedinthisstateoflunacy，which，infactifnotinwords，isparticularlycharacteristicofusveryliberalandlearnedpeople。ButthankseithertothestrangephysicalaffectionIhaveforthereallabouringpeople，whichcompelledmetounderstandthemandtoseethattheyarenotsostupidaswesuppose，orthankstothesincerityofmyconvictionthatIcouldknownothingbeyondthefactthatthebestIcoulddowastohangmyself，atanyrateIinstinctivelyfeltthatifIwishedtoliveandunderstandthemeaningoflife，Imustseekthismeaningnotamongthosewhohavelostitandwishtokillthemselves，butamongthosemilliardsofthepastandthepresentwhomakelifeandwhosupporttheburdenoftheirownlivesandofoursalso。AndI
　　consideredtheenormousmassesofthosesimple，unlearned，andpoorpeoplewhohavelivedandarelivingandIsawsomethingquitedifferent。Isawthat，withrareexceptions，allthosemilliardswhohavelivedandarelivingdonotfitintomydivisions，andthatIcouldnotclassthemasnotunderstandingthequestion，fortheythemselvesstateitandreplytoitwithextraordinaryclearness。NorcouldIconsiderthemepicureans，fortheirlifeconsistsmoreofprivationsandsufferingsthanofenjoyments。
　　StilllesscouldIconsiderthemasirrationallydraggingonameaninglessexistence，foreveryactoftheirlife，aswellasdeathitself，isexplainedbythem。Tokillthemselvestheyconsiderthegreatestevil。Itappearedthatallmankindhadaknowledge，unacknowledgedanddespisedbyme，ofthemeaningoflife。Itappearedthatreasonableknowledgedoesnotgivethemeaningoflife，butexcludeslife：whilethemeaningattributedtolifebymilliardsofpeople，byallhumanity，restsonsomedespisedpseudo—knowledge。
　　Rationalknowledgepresentedbythelearnedandwise，deniesthemeaningoflife，buttheenormousmassesofmen，thewholeofmankindreceivethatmeaninginirrationalknowledge。Andthatirrationalknowledgeisfaith，thatverythingwhichIcouldnotbutreject。ItisGod，OneinThree；thecreationinsixdays；thedevilsandangels，andalltherestthatIcannotacceptaslongasIretainmyreason。
　　Mypositionwasterrible。IknewIcouldfindnothingalongthepathofreasonableknowledgeexceptadenialoflife；andthere——infaith——wasnothingbutadenialofreason，whichwasyetmoreimpossibleformethanadenialoflife。Fromrationalknowledgeitappearedthatlifeisanevil，peopleknowthisanditisintheirpowertoendlife；yettheylivedandstilllive，andImyselflive，thoughIhavelongknownthatlifeissenselessandanevil。ByfaithitappearsthatinordertounderstandthemeaningoflifeImustrenouncemyreason，theverythingforwhichaloneameaningisrequired。
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　　Acontradictionarosefromwhichthereweretwoexits。EitherthatwhichIcalledreasonwasnotsorationalasIsupposed，orthatwhichseemedtomeirrationalwasnotsoirrationalasI
　　supposed。AndIbegantoverifythelineofargumentofmyrationalknowledge。
　　VerifyingthelineofargumentofrationalknowledgeIfounditquitecorrect。Theconclusionthatlifeisnothingwasinevitable；butInoticedamistake。Themistakelayinthis，thatmyreasoningwasnotinaccordwiththequestionIhadput。Thequestionwas："WhyshouldIlive，thatistosay，whatreal，permanentresultwillcomeoutofmyillusorytransitorylife——
　　whatmeaninghasmyfiniteexistenceinthisinfiniteworld？"AndtoreplytothatquestionIhadstudiedlife。
　　Thesolutionofallthepossiblequestionsoflifecouldevidentlynotsatisfyme，formyquestion，simpleasitatfirstappeared，includedademandforanexplanationofthefiniteintermsoftheinfinite，andviceversa。
　　Iasked："Whatisthemeaningofmylife，beyondtime，cause，andspace？"AndIrepliedtoquiteanotherquestion："Whatisthemeaningofmylifewithintime，cause，andspace？"Withtheresultthat，afterlongeffortsofthought，theanswerIreachedwas："None。"
　　InmyreasoningsIconstantlycompared（norcouldIdootherwise）thefinitewiththefinite，andtheinfinitewiththeinfinite；butforthatreasonIreachedtheinevitableresult：
　　forceisforce，matterismatter，williswill，theinfiniteistheinfinite，nothingisnothing——andthatwasallthatcouldresult。
　　Itwassomethinglikewhathappensinmathematics，whenthinkingtosolveanequation，wefindweareworkingonanidentity。thelineofreasoningiscorrect，butresultsintheanswerthataequalsa，orxequalsx，oroequalso。thesamethinghappenedwithmyreasoninginrelationtothequestionofthemeaningofmylife。Therepliesgivenbyallsciencetothatquestiononlyresultin——identity。
　　Andreally，strictlyscientificknowledge——thatknowledgewhichbegins，asDescartes’sdid，withcompletedoubtabouteverything——rejectsallknowledgeadmittedonfaithandbuildseverythingafreshonthelawsofreasonandexperience，andcannotgiveanyotherreplytothequestionoflifethanthatwhichI
　　obtained：anindefinitereply。Onlyatfirsthaditseemedtomethatknowledgehadgivenapositivereply——thereplyofSchopenhauer：thatlifehasnomeaningandisanevil。ButonexaminingthematterIunderstoodthatthereplyisnotpositive，itwasonlymyfeelingthatsoexpressedit。Strictlyexpressed，asitisbytheBrahminsandbySolomonandSchopenhauer，thereplyismerelyindefinite，oranidentity：oequalso，lifeisnothing。
　　Sothatphilosophicknowledgedeniesnothing，butonlyrepliesthatthequestioncannotbesolvedbyit——thatforitthesolutionremainsindefinite。
　　Havingunderstoodthis，Iunderstoodthatitwasnotpossibletoseekinrationalknowledgeforareplytomyquestion，andthatthereplygivenbyrationalknowledgeisamereindicationthatareplycanonlybeobtainedbyadifferentstatementofthequestionandonlywhentherelationofthefinitetotheinfiniteisincludedinthequestion。AndIunderstoodthat，howeverirrationalanddistortedmightbetherepliesgivenbyfaith，theyhavethisadvantage，thattheyintroduceintoeveryanswerarelationbetweenthefiniteandtheinfinite，withoutwhichtherecanbenosolution。
　　InwhateverwayIstatedthequestion，thatrelationappearedintheanswer。HowamItolive？——AccordingtothelawofGod。
　　Whatrealresultwillcomeofmylife？——Eternaltormentoreternalbliss。Whatmeaninghaslifethatdeathdoesnotdestroy？
　　——UnionwiththeeternalGod：heaven。
　　Sothatbesidesrationalknowledge，whichhadseemedtometheonlyknowledge，Iwasinevitablybroughttoacknowledgethatalllivehumanityhasanotherirrationalknowledge——faithwhichmakesitpossibletolive。Faithstillremainedtomeasirrationalasitwasbefore，butIcouldnotbutadmitthatitalonegivesmankindareplytothequestionsoflife，andthatconsequentlyitmakeslifepossible。Reasonableknowledgehadbroughtmetoacknowledgethatlifeissenseless——mylifehadcometoahaltandIwishedtodestroymyself。LookingaroundonthewholeofmankindIsawthatpeopleliveanddeclarethattheyknowthemeaningoflife。Ilookedatmyself——IhadlivedaslongasI
　　knewameaningoflifeandhadmadelifepossible。
　　Lookingagainatpeopleofotherlands，atmycontemporariesandattheirpredecessors，Isawthesamething。Wherethereislife，theresincemanbeganfaithhasmadelifepossibleforhim，andthechiefoutlineofthatfaithiseverywhereandalwaysidentical。
　　Whateverthefaithmaybe，andwhateveranswersitmaygive，andtowhomsoeveritgivesthem，everysuchanswergivestothefiniteexistenceofmananinfinitemeaning，ameaningnotdestroyedbysufferings，deprivations，ordeath。Thismeansthatonlyinfaithcanwefindforlifeameaningandapossibility。
　　What，then，isthisfaith？AndIunderstoodthatfaithisnotmerely"theevidenceofthingsnotseen"，etc。，andisnotarevelation（thatdefinesonlyoneoftheindicationsoffaith，isnottherelationofmantoGod（onehasfirsttodefinefaithandthenGod，andnotdefinefaiththroughGod）；itnotonlyagreementwithwhathasbeentoldone（asfaithismostusuallysupposedtobe），butfaithisaknowledgeofthemeaningofhumanlifeinconsequenceofwhichmandoesnotdestroyhimselfbutlives。Faithisthestrengthoflife。Ifamanliveshebelievesinsomething。
　　Ifhedidnotbelievethatonemustliveforsomething，hewouldnotlive。Ifhedoesnotseeandrecognizetheillusorynatureofthefinite，hebelievesinthefinite；ifheunderstandstheillusorynatureofthefinite，hemustbelieveintheinfinite。
　　Withoutfaithhecannotlive。
　　AndIrecalledthewholecourseofmymentallabourandwashorrified。Itwasnowcleartomethatformantobeabletolivehemusteithernotseetheinfinite，orhavesuchanexplanationofthemeaningoflifeaswillconnectthefinitewiththeinfinite。
　　SuchanexplanationIhadhad；butaslongasIbelievedinthefiniteIdidnotneedtheexplanation，andIbegantoverifyitbyreason。Andinthelightofreasonthewholeofmyformerexplanationflewtoatoms。ButatimecamewhenIceasedtobelieveinthefinite。AndthenIbegantobuilduponrationalfoundations，outofwhatIknew，anexplanationwhichwouldgiveameaningtolife；butnothingcouldIbuild。TogetherwiththebesthumanintellectsIreachedtheresultthatoequalso，andwasmuchastonishedatthatconclusion，thoughnothingelsecouldhaveresulted。
　　WhatwasIdoingwhenIsoughtananswerintheexperimentalsciences？IwishedtoknowwhyIlive，andforthispurposestudiedallthatisoutsideme。EvidentlyImightlearnmuch，butnothingofwhatIneeded。
　　WhatwasIdoingwhenIsoughtananswerinphilosophicalknowledge？IwasstudyingthethoughtsofthosewhohadfoundthemselvesinthesamepositionasI，lackingareplytothequestion"whydoIlive？"EvidentlyIcouldlearnnothingbutwhatIknewmyself，namelythatnothingcanbeknown。
　　WhatamI？——Apartoftheinfinite。Inthosefewwordsliesthewholeproblem。
　　Isitpossiblethathumanityhasonlyputthatquestiontoitselfsinceyesterday？Andcannoonebeforemehavesethimselfthatquestion——aquestionsosimple，andonethatspringstothetongueofeverywisechild？
　　Surelythatquestionhasbeenaskedsincemanbegan；andnaturallyforthesolutionofthatquestionsincemanbeganithasbeenequallyinsufficienttocomparethefinitewiththefiniteandtheinfinitewiththeinfinite，andsincemanbegantherelationofthefinitetotheinfinitehasbeensoughtoutandexpressed。
　　Alltheseconceptionsinwhichthefinitehasbeenadjustedtotheinfiniteandameaningfoundforlife——theconceptionofGod，ofwill，ofgoodness——wesubmittologicalexamination。Andallthoseconceptionsfailtostandreason’scriticism。
　　Wereitnotsoterribleitwouldbeludicrouswithwhatprideandself—satisfactionwe，likechildren，pullthewatchtopieces，takeoutthespring，makeatoyofit，andarethensurprisedthatthewatchdoesnotgo。
　　Asolutionofthecontradictionbetweenthefiniteandtheinfinite，andsuchareplytothequestionoflifeaswillmakeitpossibletolive，isnecessaryandprecious。Andthatistheonlysolutionwhichwefindeverywhere，always，andamongallpeoples：
　　asolutiondescendingfromtimesinwhichwelosesightofthelifeofman，asolutionsodifficultthatwecancomposenothinglikeit——andthissolutionwelight—heartedlydestroyinorderagaintosetthesamequestion，whichisnaturaltoeveryoneandtowhichwehavenoanswer。
　　Theconceptionofaninfinitegod，thedivinityofthesoul，theconnexionofhumanaffairswithGod，theunityandexistenceofthesoul，man’sconceptionofmoralgoodnessandevil——areconceptionsformulatedinthehiddeninfinityofhumanthought，theyarethoseconceptionswithoutwhichneitherlifenorIshouldexist；yetrejectingallthatlabourofthewholeofhumanity，I
　　wishedtoremakeitafreshmyselfandinmyownmanner。
　　Ididnotthenthinklikethat，butthegermsofthesethoughtswerealreadyinme。Iunderstood，inthefirstplace，thatmypositionwithSchopenhauerandSolomon，notwithstandingourwisdom，wasstupid：weseethatlifeisanevilandyetcontinuetolive。Thatisevidentlystupid，foriflifeissenselessandI
　　amsofondofwhatisreasonable，itshouldbedestroyed，andthentherewouldbenoonetochallengeit。Secondly，Iunderstoodthatallone’sreasoningsturnedinaviciouscirclelikeawheeloutofgearwithitspinion。Howevermuchandhoweverwellwemayreasonwecannotobtainareplytothequestion；andowillalwaysequalo，andthereforeourpathisprobablyerroneous。Thirdly，IbegantounderstandthatintherepliesgivenbyfaithisstoredupthedeepesthumanwisdomandthatIhadnorighttodenythemonthegroundofreason，andthatthoseanswersaretheonlyoneswhichreplytolife’squestion。
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　　Iunderstoodthis，butitmademattersnobetterforme。I
　　wasnowreadytoacceptanyfaithifonlyitdidnotdemandofmeadirectdenialofreason——whichwouldbeafalsehood。AndI
　　studiedBuddhismandMohammedanismfrombooks，andmostofallI
　　studiedChristianitybothfrombooksandfromthepeoplearoundme。
　　NaturallyIfirstofallturnedtotheorthodoxofmycircle，topeoplewhowerelearned：toChurchtheologians，monks，totheologiansofthenewestshade，andeventoEvangelicalswhoprofesssalvationbybeliefintheRedemption。AndIseizedonthesebelieversandquestionedthemastotheirbeliefsandtheirunderstandingofthemeaningoflife。
　　ButthoughImadeallpossibleconcessions，andavoidedalldisputes，Icouldnotacceptthefaithofthesepeople。Isawthatwhattheygaveoutastheirfaithdidnotexplainthemeaningoflifebutobscuredit，andthattheythemselvesaffirmtheirbeliefnottoanswerthatquestionoflifewhichbroughtmetofaith，butforsomeotheraimsalientome。
　　Irememberthepainfulfeelingoffearofbeingthrownbackintomyformerstateofdespair，afterthehopeIoftenandoftenexperiencedinmyintercoursewiththesepeople。
　　Themorefullytheyexplainedtometheirdoctrines，themoreclearlydidIperceivetheirerrorandrealizedthatmyhopeoffindingintheirbeliefanexplanationofthemeaningoflifewasvain。
　　ItwasnotthatintheirdoctrinestheymixedmanyunnecessaryandunreasonablethingswiththeChristiantruthsthathadalwaysbeenneartome：thatwasnotwhatrepelledme。Iwasrepelledbythefactthatthesepeople’sliveswerelikemyown，withonlythisdifference——thatsuchalifedidnotcorrespondtotheprinciplestheyexpoundedintheirteachings。Iclearlyfeltthattheydeceivedthemselvesandthatthey，likemyselffoundnoothermeaninginlifethantolivewhilelifelasts，takingallone’shandscanseize。Isawthisbecauseiftheyhadhadameaningwhichdestroyedthefearofloss，suffering，anddeath，theywouldnothavefearedthesethings。Butthey，thesebelieversofourcircle，justlikemyself，livinginsufficiencyandsuperfluity，triedtoincreaseorpreservethem，fearedprivations，suffering，anddeath，andjustlikemyselfandallofusunbelievers，livedtosatisfytheirdesires，andlivedjustasbadly，ifnotworse，thantheunbelievers。
　　Noargumentscouldconvincemeofthetruthoftheirfaith。
　　Onlydeedswhichshowedthattheysawameaninginlifemakingwhatwassodreadfultome——poverty，sickness，anddeath——notdreadfultothem，couldconvinceme。AndsuchdeedsIdidnotseeamongthevariousbelieversinourcircle。Onthecontrary，Isawsuchdeedsdone[Footnote：thispassageisnoteworthyasbeingoneofthefewreferencesmadebyTolstoyatthisperiodtotherevolutionaryor"Back—to—the—People"movement，inwhichmanyyoungmenandwomenwereriskingandsacrificinghome，property，andlifeitselffrommotiveswhichhadmuchincommonwithhisownperceptionthattheupperlayersofSocietyareparasiticandpreyonthevitalsofthepeoplewhosupportthem。——A。M。]bypeopleofourcirclewhowerethemostunbelieving，butneverbyourso—
　　calledbelievers。
　　AndIunderstoodthatthebeliefofthesepeoplewasnotthefaithIsought，andthattheirfaithisnotarealfaithbutanepicureanconsolationinlife。
　　Iunderstoodthatthatfaithmayperhapsserve，ifnotforaconsolationatleastforsomedistractionforarepentantSolomononhisdeath—bed，butitcannotserveforthegreatmajorityofmankind，whoarecalledonnottoamusethemselveswhileconsumingthelabourofothersbuttocreatelife。
　　Forallhumanitytobeabletolive，andcontinuetoliveattributingameaningtolife，they，thosemilliards，musthaveadifferent，areal，knowledgeoffaith。Indeed，itwasnotthefactthatwe，withSolomonandSchopenhauer，didnotkillourselvesthatconvincedmeoftheexistenceoffaith，butthefactthatthosemilliardsofpeoplehavelivedandareliving，andhaveborneSolomonandusonthecurrentoftheirlives。
　　AndIbegantodrawneartothebelieversamongthepoor，simple，unletteredfolk：pilgrims，monks，sectarians，andpeasants。
　　ThefaithofthesecommonpeoplewasthesameChristianfaithaswasprofessedbythepseudo—believersofourcircle。Amongthem，too，IfoundagreatdealofsuperstitionmixedwiththeChristiantruths；butthedifferencewasthatthesuperstitionsofthebelieversofourcirclewerequiteunnecessarytothemandwerenotinconformitywiththeirlives，beingmerelyakindofepicureandiversion；butthesuperstitionsofthebelieversamongthelabouringmassesconformedsowiththeirlivesthatitwasimpossibletoimaginethemtooneselfwithoutthosesuperstitions，whichwereanecessaryconditionoftheirlife。thewholelifeofbelieversinourcirclewasacontradictionoftheirfaith，butthewholelifeoftheworking—folkbelieverswasaconfirmationofthemeaningoflifewhichtheirfaithgavethem。AndIbegantolookwellintothelifeandfaithofthesepeople，andthemoreI
　　considereditthemoreIbecameconvincedthattheyhavearealfaithwhichisanecessitytothemandalonegivestheirlifeameaningandmakesitpossibleforthemtolive。IncontrastwithwhatIhadseeninourcircle——wherelifewithoutfaithispossibleandwherehardlyoneinathousandacknowledgeshimselftobeabeliever——amongthemthereishardlyoneunbelieverinathousand。IncontrastwithwhatIhadseeninourcircle，wherethewholeoflifeispassedinidleness，amusement，anddissatisfaction，Isawthatthewholelifeofthesepeoplewaspassedinheavylabour，andthattheywerecontentwithlife。Incontradistinctiontothewayinwhichpeopleofourcircleopposefateandcomplainofitonaccountofdeprivationsandsufferings，thesepeopleacceptedillnessandsorrowwithoutanyperplexityoropposition，andwithaquietandfirmconvictionthatallisgood。
　　Incontradistinctiontous，whothewiserwearethelessweunderstandthemeaningoflife，andseesomeevilironyinthefactthatwesufferanddie，thesefolkliveandsuffer，andtheyapproachdeathandsufferingwithtranquillityandinmostcasesgladly。Incontrasttothefactthatatranquildeath，adeathwithouthorroranddespair，isaveryrareexceptioninourcircle，atroubled，rebellious，andunhappydeathistherarestexceptionamongthepeople。andsuchpeople，lackingallthatforusandforSolomonistheonlygoodoflifeandyetexperiencingthegreatesthappiness，areagreatmultitude。Ilookedmorewidelyaroundme。
　　Iconsideredthelifeoftheenormousmassofthepeopleinthepastandthepresent。Andofsuchpeople，understandingthemeaningoflifeandabletoliveandtodie，Isawnottwoorthree，ortens，buthundreds，thousands，andmillions。andtheyall——endlesslydifferentintheirmanners，minds，education，andposition，astheywere——allalike，incompletecontrasttomyignorance，knewthemeaningoflifeanddeath，labouredquietly，endureddeprivationsandsufferings，andlivedanddiedseeingthereinnotvanitybutgood。
　　AndIlearnttolovethesepeople。ThemoreIcametoknowtheirlife，thelifeofthosewhoarelivingandofotherswhoaredeadofwhomIreadandheard，themoreIlovedthemandtheeasieritbecameformetolive。SoIwentonforabouttwoyears，andachangetookplaceinmewhichhadlongbeenpreparingandthepromiseofwhichhadalwaysbeeninme。Itcameaboutthatthelifeofourcircle，therichandlearned，notmerelybecamedistastefultome，butlostallmeaninginmyeyes。Allouractions，discussions，scienceandart，presenteditselftomeinanewlight。Iunderstoodthatitisallmerelyself—indulgence，andthetofindameaninginitisimpossible；whilethelifeofthewholelabouringpeople，thewholeofmankindwhoproducelife，appearedtomeinitstruesignificance。Iunderstoodthat*that*
　　islifeitself，andthatthemeaninggiventothatlifeistrue：
　　andIacceptedit。
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　　Andrememberinghowthoseverybeliefshadrepelledmeandhadseemedmeaninglesswhenprofessedbypeoplewhoselivesconflictedwiththem，andhowthesesamebeliefsattractedmeandseemedreasonablewhenIsawthatpeoplelivedinaccordwiththem，I
　　understoodwhyIhadthenrejectedthosebeliefsandfoundthemmeaningless，yetnowacceptedthemandfoundthemfullofmeaning。
　　IunderstoodthatIhaderred，andwhyIerred。IhaderrednotsomuchbecauseIthoughtincorrectlyasbecauseIlivedbadly。I
　　understoodthatitwasnotanerrorinmythoughtthathadhidtruthfrommeasmuchasmylifeitselfintheexceptionalconditionsofepicureangratificationofdesiresinwhichIpassedit。Iunderstoodthatmyquestionastowhatmylifeis，andtheanswer——andevil——wasquitecorrect。Theonlymistakewasthattheanswerreferredonlytomylife，whileIhadreferredittolifeingeneral。Iaskedmyselfwhatmylifeis，andgotthereply：Anevilandanabsurdity。andreallymylife——alifeofindulgenceofdesires——wassenselessandevil，andthereforethereply，"Lifeisevilandanabsurdity"，referredonlytomylife，butnottohumanlifeingeneral。IunderstoodthetruthwhichI
　　afterwardsfoundintheGospels，"thatmenloveddarknessratherthanthelight，fortheirworkswereevil。Foreveryonethatdoethillhateththelight，andcomethnottothelight，lesthisworksshouldbereproved。"Iperceivedthattounderstandthemeaningoflifeitisnecessaryfirstthatlifeshouldnotbemeaninglessandevil，thenwecanapplyreasontoexplainit。IunderstoodwhyI
　　hadsolongwanderedroundsoevidentatruth，andthatifoneistothinkandspeakofthelifeofmankind，onemustthinkandspeakofthatlifeandnotofthelifeofsomeoflife’sparasites。Thattruthwasalwaysastrueasthattwoandtwoarefour，butIhadnotacknowledgedit，becauseonadmittingtwoandtwotobefourI
　　hadalsotoadmitthatIwasbad；andtofeelmyselftobegoodwasformemoreimportantandnecessarythanfortwoandtwotobefour。Icametolovegoodpeople，hatedmyself，andconfessedthetruth。Nowallbecamecleartome。