Whatifanexecutionerpassinghiswholelifeintorturingpeopleandcuttingofftheirheads，orahopelessdrunkard，oramadmansettledforlifeinadarkroomwhichhehasfouledandimaginesthathewouldperishifheleft——whatifheaskedhimself："Whatislife？"Evidentlyhecouldnototherreplytothatquestionthanthatlifeisthegreatestevil，andthemadman’sanswerwouldbeperfectlycorrect，butonlyasappliedtohimself。
　　WhatifIamsuchamadman？Whatifallwerichandleisuredpeoplearesuchmadmen？andIunderstoodthatwereallyaresuchmadmen。Iatanyratewascertainlysuch。
　　Andindeedabirdissomadethatitmustfly，collectfood，andbuildanest，andwhenIseethatabirddoesthisIhavepleasureinitsjoy。Agoat，ahare，andawolfaresomadethattheymustfeedthemselves，andmustbreedandfeedtheirfamily，andwhentheydosoIfeelfirmlyassuredthattheyarehappyandthattheirlifeisareasonableone。thenwhatshouldamando？
　　Hetooshouldproducehislivingastheanimalsdo，butwiththisdifference，thathewillperishifhedoesitalone；hemustobtainitnotforhimselfbutforall。Andwhenhedoesthat，Ihaveafirmassurancethatheishappyandthathislifeisreasonable。
　　ButwhathadIdoneduringthewholethirtyyearsofmyresponsiblelife？Farfromproducingsustenanceforall，Ididnotevenproduceitformyself。Ilivedasaparasite，andonaskingmyself，whatistheuseofmylife？Igotthereply："Nouse。"Ifthemeaningofhumanlifeliesinsupportingit，howcouldI——whoforthirtyyearshadbeenengagednotonsupportinglifebutondestroyingitinmyselfandinothers——howcouldIobtainanyotheranswerthanthatmylifewassenselessandanevil？……Itwasbothsenselessandevil。
　　Thelifeoftheworldenduresbysomeone’swill——bythelifeofthewholeworldandbyourlivessomeonefulfillshispurpose。
　　Tohopetounderstandthemeaningofthatwillonemustfirstperformitbydoingwhatiswantedofus。ButifIwillnotdowhatiswantedofme，Ishallneverunderstandwhatiswantedofme，andstilllesswhatiswantedofusallandofthewholeworld。
　　Ifanaked，hungrybeggarhasbeentakenfromthecross—roads，broughtintoabuildingbelongingtoabeautifulestablishment，fed，suppliedwithdrink，andobligedtomoveahandleupanddown，evidently，beforediscussingwhyhewastaken，whyheshouldmovethehandle，andwhetherthewholeestablishmentisreasonablyarranged——thebeggershouldfirstofallmovethehandle。Ifhemovesthehandlehewillunderstandthatitworksapump，thatthepumpdrawswaterandthatthewaterirrigatesthegardenbeds；thenhewillbetakenfromthepumpingstationtoanotherplacewherehewillgatherfruitsandwillenterintothejoyofhismaster，and，passingfromlowertohigherwork，willunderstandmoreandmoreofthearrangementsoftheestablishment，andtakingpartinitwillneverthinkofaskingwhyheisthere，andwillcertainlynotreproachthemaster。
　　Sothosewhodohiswill，thesimple，unlearnedworkingfolk，whomweregardascattle，donotreproachthemaster；butwe，thewise，eatthemaster’sfoodbutdonotdowhatthemasterwishes，andinsteadofdoingitsitinacircleanddiscuss："Whyshouldthathandlebemoved？Isn’titstupid？"Sowehavedecided。Wehavedecidedthatthemasterisstupid，ordoesnotexist，andthatwearewise，onlywefeelthatwearequiteuselessandthatwemustsomehowdoawaywithourselves。
　　XII
　　Theconsciousnessoftheerrorinreasonableknowledgehelpedmetofreemyselffromthetemptationofidleratiocination。theconvictionthatknowledgeoftruthcanonlybefoundbylivingledmetodoubttherightnessofmylife；butIwassavedonlybythefactthatIwasabletotearmyselffrommyexclusivenessandtoseethereallifeoftheplainworkingpeople，andtounderstandthatitaloneisreallife。IunderstoodthatifIwishtounderstandlifeanditsmeaning，Imustnotlivethelifeofaparasite，butmustliveareallife，and——takingthemeaninggiventolivebyrealhumanityandmergingmyselfinthatlife——
　　verifyit。
　　Duringthattimethisiswhathappenedtome。Duringthatwholeyear，whenIwasaskingmyselfalmosteverymomentwhetherI
　　shouldnotendmatterswithanooseorabullet——allthattime，togetherwiththecourseofthoughtandobservationaboutwhichI
　　havespoken，myheartwasoppressedwithapainfulfeeling，whichIcanonlydescribeasasearchforGod。
　　IsaythatthatsearchforGodwasnotreasoning，butafeeling，becausethatsearchproceedednotfromthecourseofmythoughts——itwasevendirectlycontrarytothem——butproceededfromtheheart。Itwasafeelingoffear，orphanage，isolationinastrangeland，andahopeofhelpfromsomeone。
　　ThoughIwasquiteconvincedoftheimpossibilityofprovingtheexistenceofaDeity（Kanthadshown，andIquiteunderstoodhim，thatitcouldnotbeproved），Iyetsoughtforgod，hopedthatIshouldfindHim，andfromoldhabitaddressedprayerstothatwhichIsoughtbuthadnotfound。IwentoverinmymindtheargumentsofKantandSchopenhauershowingtheimpossibilityofprovingtheexistenceofaGod，andIbegantoverifythoseargumentsandtorefutethem。Cause，saidItomyself，isnotacategoryofthoughtsuchasareTimeandSpace。IfIexist，theremustbesomecauseforit，andacauseofcauses。Andthatfirstcauseofalliswhatmenhavecalled"God"。AndIpausedonthatthought，andtriedwithallmybeingtorecognizethepresenceofthatcause。AndassoonasIacknowledgedthatthereisaforceinwhosepowerIam，IatoncefeltthatIcouldlive。ButIaskedmyself：Whatisthatcause，thatforce？HowamItothinkofit？
　　WhataremyrelationstothatwhichIcall"God"？Andonlythefamiliarrepliesoccurredtome："HeistheCreatorandPreserver。"Thisreplydidnotsatisfyme，andIfeltIwaslosingwithinmewhatIneededformylife。IbecameterrifiedandbegantopraytoHimwhomIsought，thatHeshouldhelpme。ButthemoreIprayedthemoreapparentitbecametomethatHedidnothearme，andthattherewasnoonetowhomtoaddressmyself。AndwithdespairinmyheartthatthereisnoGodatall，Isaid："Lord，havemercy，saveme!Lord，teachme!"Butnoonehadmercyonme，andIfeltthatmylifewascomingtoastandstill。
　　Butagainandagain，fromvarioussides，IreturnedtothesameconclusionthatIcouldnothavecomeintotheworldwithoutanycauseorreasonormeaning；IcouldnotbesuchafledglingfallenfromitsnestasIfeltmyselftobe。Or，grantingthatI
　　besuch，lyingonmybackcryinginthehighgrass，eventhenIcrybecauseIknowthatamotherhasbornemewithinher，hashatchedme，warmedme，fedme，andlovedme。Whereisshe——thatmother？
　　IfIhavebeendeserted，whohasdesertedme？Icannothidefrommyselfthatsomeoneboredme，lovingme。Whowasthatsomeone？
　　Again"God"？Heknowsandseesmysearching，mydespair，andmystruggle。"
　　"Heexists，"saidItomyself。AndIhadonlyforaninstanttoadmitthat，andatonceliferosewithinme，andIfeltthepossibilityandjoyofbeing。Butagain，fromtheadmissionoftheexistenceofaGodIwentontoseekmyrelationwithHim；andagainIimagined*that*God——ourCreatorinThreePersonswhosentHisSon，theSaviour——andagain*that*God，detachedfromtheworldandfromme，meltedlikeablockofice，meltedbeforemyeyes，andagainnothingremained，andagainthespringoflifedriedupwithinme，andIdespairedandfeltthatIhadnothingtodobuttokillmyself。Andtheworstofallwas，thatIfeltI
　　couldnotdoit。
　　Nottwiceorthreetimes，buttensandhundredsoftimes，I
　　reachedthoseconditions，firstofjoyandanimation，andthenofdespairandconsciousnessoftheimpossibilityofliving。
　　Irememberthatitwasinearlyspring：Iwasaloneinthewoodlisteningtoitssounds。Ilistenedandthoughteverofthesamething，asIhadconstantlydoneduringthoselastthreeyears。
　　IwasagainseekingGod。
　　"Verywell，thereisnoGod，"saidItomyself；"thereisnoonewhoisnotmyimaginationbutarealitylikemywholelife。
　　Hedoesnotexist，andnomiraclescanproveHisexistence，becausethemiracleswouldbemyimagination，besidesbeingirrational。
　　"Butmy*perception*ofGod，ofHimwhomIseek，"Iaskedmyself，"wherehasthatperceptioncomefrom？"Andagainatthisthoughtthegladwavesofliferosewithinme。Allthatwasaroundmecametolifeandreceivedameaning。Butmyjoydidnotlastlong。Mymindcontinueditswork。
　　"TheconceptionofGodisnotGod，"saidItomyself。"Theconceptioniswhattakesplacewithinme。TheconceptionofGodissomethingIcanevokeorcanrefrainfromevokinginmyself。ThatisnotwhatIseek。Iseekthatwithoutwhichtherecanbenolife。"Andagainallaroundmeandwithinmebegantodie，andagainIwishedtokillmyself。
　　ButthenIturnedmygazeuponmyself，onwhatwentonwithinme，andIrememberedallthosecessationsoflifeandreanimationsthatrecurredwithinmehundredsoftimes。IrememberedthatI
　　onlylivedatthosetimeswhenIbelievedinGod。Asitwasbefore，soitwasnow；IneedonlybeawareofGodtolive；IneedonlyforgetHim，ordisbelieveHim，andIdied。
　　Whatisthisanimationanddying？IdonotlivewhenIlosebeliefintheexistenceofGod。IshouldlongagohavekilledmyselfhadInothadadimhopeoffindingHim。Ilive，reallylive，onlywhenIfeelHimandseekHim。"Whatmoredoyouseek？"
　　exclaimedavoicewithinme。"ThisisHe。Heisthatwithoutwhichonecannotlive。ToknowGodandtoliveisoneandthesamething。Godislife。"
　　"LiveseekingGod，andthenyouwillnotlivewithoutGod。"
　　Andmorethaneverbefore，allwithinmeandaroundmelitup，andthelightdidnotagainabandonme。
　　AndIwassavedfromsuicide。WhenandhowthischangeoccurredIcouldnotsay。AsimperceptiblyandgraduallytheforceoflifeinmehadbeendestroyedandIhadreachedtheimpossibilityofliving，acessationoflifeandthenecessityofsuicide，soimperceptiblyandgraduallydidthatforceoflifereturntome。Andstrangetosaythestrengthoflifewhichreturnedtomewasnotnew，butquiteold——thesamethathadbornemealonginmyearliestdays。
　　Iquitereturnedtowhatbelongedtomyearliestchildhoodandyouth。IreturnedtothebeliefinthatWillwhichproducedmeanddesiressomethingofme。Ireturnedtothebeliefthatthechiefandonlyaimofmylifeistobebetter，i。e。toliveinaccordwiththatWill。andIreturnedtothebeliefthatIcanfindtheexpressionofthatWillinwhathumanity，inthedistantpasthiddenfrom，hasproducedforitsguidance：thatistosay，I
　　returnedtoabeliefinGod，inmoralperfection，andinatraditiontransmittingthemeaningoflife。Therewasonlythisdifference，thatthenallthiswasacceptedunconsciously，whilenowIknewthatwithoutitIcouldnotlive。
　　Whathappenedtomewassomethinglikethis：Iwasputintoaboat（Idonotrememberwhen）andpushedofffromanunknownshore，shownthedirectionoftheoppositeshore，hadoarsputintomyunpractisedhands，andwasleftalone。IrowedasbestIcouldandmovedforward；butthefurtherIadvancedtowardsthemiddleofthestreamthemorerapidgrewthecurrentbearingmeawayfrommygoalandthemorefrequentlydidIencounterothers，likemyself，borneawaybythestream。Therewereafewrowerswhocontinuedtorow，therewereotherswhohadabandonedtheiroars；therewerelargeboatsandimmensevesselsfullofpeople。Somestruggledagainstthecurrent，othersyieldedtoit。AndthefurtherIwentthemore，seeingtheprogressdownthecurrentofallthosewhowereadrift，Iforgotthedirectiongivenme。Intheverycentreofthestream，amidthecrowdofboatsandvesselswhichwerebeingbornedownstream，Iquitelostmydirectionandabandonedmyoars。
　　Aroundmeonallsides，withmirthandrejoicing，peoplewithsailsandoarswerebornedownthestream，assuringmeandeachotherthatnootherdirectionwaspossible。AndIbelievedthemandfloatedwiththem。AndIwascarriedfar；sofarthatIheardtheroaroftherapidsinwhichImustbeshattered，andIsawboatsshatteredinthem。AndIrecollectedmyself。Iwaslongunabletounderstandwhathadhappenedtome。Isawbeforemenothingbutdestruction，towardswhichIwasrushingandwhichIfeared。Isawnosafetyanywhereanddidnotknowwhattodo；but，lookingback，Iperceivedinnumerableboatswhichunceasinglyandstrenuouslypushedacrossthestream，andIrememberedabouttheshore，theoars，andthedirection，andbegantopullbackupwardsagainstthestreamandtowardsthewhore。
　　ThatshorewasGod；thatdirectionwastradition；theoarswerethefreedomgivenmetopullfortheshoreandunitewithGod。
　　AndsotheforceoflifewasrenewedinmeandIagainbegantolive。
　　XIII
　　Iturnedfromthelifeofourcircle，acknowledgingthatoursisnotlifebutasimulationoflife——thattheconditionsofsuperfluityinwhichwelivedepriveusofthepossibilityofunderstandinglife，andthatinordertounderstandlifeImustunderstandnotanexceptionallifesuchasourwhoareparasitesonlife，butthelifeofthesimplelabouringfolk——thosewhomakelife——andthemeaningwhichtheyattributetoit。ThesimplestlabouringpeoplearoundmeweretheRussianpeople，andIturnedtothemandtothemeaningoflifewhichtheygive。Thatmeaning，ifonecanputitintowords，wasasfollows：EverymanhascomeintothisworldbythewillofGod。AndGodhassomademanthateverymancandestroyhissoulorsaveit。Theaimofmaninlifeistosavehissoul，andtosavehissoulhemustlive"godly"andtolive"godly"hemustrenounceallthepleasuresoflife，mustlabour，humblehimself，suffer，andbemerciful。Thatmeaningthepeopleobtainfromthewholeteachingoffaithtransmittedtothembytheirpastorsandbythetraditionsthatliveamongthepeople。
　　Thismeaningwascleartomeandneartomyheart。Buttogetherwiththismeaningofthepopularfaithofournon—sectarianfolk，amongwhomIlive，muchwasinseparablyboundupthatrevoltedmeandseemedtomeinexplicable：sacraments，Churchservices，fasts，andtheadorationofrelicsandicons。Thepeoplecannotseparatetheonefromtheother，norcouldI。Andstrangeasmuchofwhatenteredintothefaithofthesepeoplewastome，Iacceptedeverything，andattendedtheservices，kneltmorningandeveninginprayer，fasted，andpreparedtoreceivetheEucharist：andatfirstmyreasondidnotresistanything。Theverythingsthathadformerlyseemedtomeimpossibledidnotnowevokeinmeanyopposition。
　　Myrelationstofaithbeforeandafterwerequitedifferent。
　　Formerlylifeitselfseemedtomefullofmeaningandfaithpresenteditselfasthearbitraryassertionofpropositionstomequiteunnecessary，unreasonable，anddisconnectedfromlife。I
　　thenaskedmyselfwhatmeaningthosepropositionshadand，convincedthattheyhadnone，Irejectedthem。NowonthecontraryIknewfirmlythatmylifeotherwisehas，andcanhave，nomeaning，andthearticlesoffaithwerefarfrompresentingthemselvestomeasunnecessary——onthecontraryIhadbeenledbyindubitableexperiencetotheconvictionthatonlythesepropositionspresentedbyfaithgivelifeameaning。formerlyIlookedonthemasonsomequiteunnecessarygibberish，butnow，ifIdidnotunderstandthem，Iyetknewthattheyhadameaning，andIsaidtomyselfthatI
　　mustlearntounderstandthem。
　　Iarguedasfollows，tellingmyselfthattheknowledgeoffaithflows，likeallhumanitywithitsreason，fromamysterioussource。ThatsourceisGod，theoriginbothofthehumanbodyandthehumanreason。AsmybodyhasdescendedtomefromGod，soalsohasmyreasonandmyunderstandingoflife，andconsequentlythevariousstagesofthedevelopmentofthatunderstandingoflifecannotbefalse。Allthatpeoplesincerelybelieveinmustbetrue；itmaybedifferentlyexpressedbutitcannotbealie，andthereforeifitpresentsitselftomeasalie，thatonlymeansthatIhavenotunderstoodit。FurthermoreIsaidtomyself，theessenceofeveryfaithconsistsinitsgivinglifeameaningwhichdeathdoesnotdestroy。Naturallyforafaithtobeabletoreplytothequestionsofakingdyinginluxury，ofanoldslavetormentedbyoverwork，ofanunreasoningchild，ofawiseoldman，ofahalf—wittedoldwoman，ofayoungandhappywife，ofayouthtormentedbypassions，ofallpeopleinthemostvariedconditionsoflifeandeducation——ifthereisonereplytotheoneeternalquestionoflife："WhydoIliveandwhatwillresultfrommylife？"——thereply，thoughoneinitsessence，mustbeendlesslyvariedinitspresentation；andthemoreitisone，themoretrueandprofounditis，themorestrangeanddeformedmustitnaturallyappearinitsattemptedexpression，conformablytotheeducationandpositionofeachperson。Butthisargument，justifyinginmyeyesthequeernessofmuchontheritualsideofreligion，didnotsufficetoallowmeintheonegreataffairoflife——religion——
　　todothingswhichseemedtomequestionable。WithallmysoulI
　　wishedtobeinapositiontominglewiththepeople，fulfillingtheritualsideoftheirreligion；butIcouldnotdoit。IfeltthatIshouldlietomyselfandmockatwhatwassacredtome，wereItodoso。Atthispoint，however，ournewRussiantheologicalwriterscametomyrescue。
　　Accordingtotheexplanationthesetheologiansgave，thefundamentaldogmaofourfaithistheinfallibilityoftheChurch。
　　FromtheadmissionofthatdogmafollowsinevitablythetruthofallthatisprofessedbytheChurch。TheChurchasanassemblyoftruebelieversunitedbyloveandthereforepossessedoftrueknowledgebecamethebasisofmybelief。Itoldmyselfthatdivinetruthcannotbeaccessibletoaseparateindividual；itisrevealedonlytothewholeassemblyofpeopleunitedbylove。Toattaintruthonemustnotseparate，andinordernottoseparateonemustloveandmustendurethingsonemaynotagreewith。
　　Truthrevealsitselftolove，andifyoudonotsubmittotheritesoftheChurchyoutransgressagainstlove；andbytransgressingagainstloveyoudepriveyourselfofthepossibilityofrecognizingthetruth。Ididnotthenseethesophistrycontainedinthisargument。Ididnotseethatunioninlovemaygivethegreatestlove，butcertainlycannotgiveusdivinetruthexpressedinthedefinitewordsoftheNiceneCreed。Ialsodidnotperceivethatlovecannotmakeacertainexpressionoftruthanobligatoryconditionofunion。IdidnotthenseethesemistakesintheargumentandthankstoitwasabletoacceptandperformalltheritesoftheOrthodoxChurchwithoutunderstandingmostofthem。Ithentriedwithallstrengthofmysoultoavoidallargumentsandcontradictions，andtriedtoexplainasreasonablyaspossibletheChurchstatementsIencountered。
　　WhenfulfillingtheritesoftheChurchIhumbledmyreasonandsubmittedtothetraditionpossessedbyallhumanity。Iunitedmyselfwithmyforefathers：thefather，mother，andgrandparentsI
　　loved。Theyandallmypredecessorsbelievedandlived，andtheyproducedme。IunitedmyselfalsowiththemissionsofthecommonpeoplewhomIrespected。Moveover，thoseactionshadnothingbadinthemselves（"bad"Iconsideredtheindulgenceofone’sdesires）。
　　WhenrisingearlyforChurchservicesIknewIwasdoingwell，ifonlybecauseIwassacrificingmybodilyeasetohumblemymentalpride，forthesakeofunionwithmyancestorsandcontemporaries，andforthesakeoffindingthemeaningoflife。ItwasthesamewithmypreparationstoreceiveCommunion，andwiththedailyreadingofprayerswithgenuflections，andalsowiththeobservanceofallthefasts。HoweverinsignificantthesesacrificesmightbeImadethemforthesakeofsomethinggood。Ifasted，preparedforCommunion，andobservedthefixedhoursofprayerathomeandinchurch。DuringChurchserviceIattendedtoeveryword，andgavethemameaningwheneverIcould。IntheMassthemostimportantwordsformewere："Letusloveoneanotherinconformity!"Thefurtherwords，"InunitywebelieveintheFather，theSon，andHolyGhost"，Ipassedby，becauseIcouldnotunderstandthem。
　　XIV
　　InwasthensonecessaryformetobelieveinordertolivethatIunconsciouslyconcealedfrommyselfthecontradictionsandobscuritiesoftheology。butthisreadingofmeaningsintotheriteshaditslimits。IfthechiefwordsintheprayerfortheEmperorbecamemoreandmorecleartome，ifIfoundsomeexplanationforthewords"andrememberingourSovereignMost—HolyMotherofGodandalltheSaints，ourselvesandoneanother，wegiveourwholelifetoChristourGod"，ifIexplainedtomyselfthefrequentrepetitionofprayersfortheTsarandhisrelationsbythefactthattheyaremoreexposedtotemptationsthanotherpeopleandthereforearemoreinneedofbeingprayedfor——theprayersaboutsubduingourenemiesandevilunderourfeet（evenifonetriedtosaythat*sin*wastheenemyprayedagainst），theseandotherprayers，suchasthe"cherubicsong"andthewholesacramentofoblation，or"thechosenWarriors"，etc。——quitetwo—
　　thirdsofalltheservices——eitherremainedcompletelyincomprehensibleor，whenIforcedanexplanationintothem，mademefeelthatIwaslying，therebyquitedestroyingmyrelationtoGodanddeprivingmeofallpossibilityofbelief。
　　Ifeltthesameaboutthecelebrationofthechiefholidays。
　　ToremembertheSabbath，thatistodevoteonedaytoGod，wassomethingIcouldunderstand。ButthechiefholidaywasincommemorationoftheResurrection，therealityofwhichIcouldnotpicturetomyselforunderstand。Andthatnameof"Resurrection"
　　wasalsogiventheweeklyholiday。[Footnote：InRussiaSundaywascalledResurrection—day。——A。M。]AndonthosedaystheSacramentoftheEucharistwasadministered，whichwasquiteunintelligibletome。Therestofthetwelvegreatholidays，exceptChristmas，commemoratedmiracles——thethingsItriednottothinkaboutinordernottodeny：theAscension，Pentecost，Epiphany，theFeastoftheIntercessionoftheHolyVirgin，etc。
　　Atthecelebrationoftheseholidays，feelingthatimportancewasbeingattributedtotheverythingsthattomepresentedanegativeimportance，Ieitherdevisedtranquillizingexplanationsorshutmyeyesinordernottoseewhattemptedme。
　　MostofallthishappenedtomewhentakingpartinthemostusualSacraments，whichareconsideredthemostimportant：baptismandcommunion。ThereIencounterednotincomprehensiblebutfullycomprehensibledoings：doingswhichseemedtometoleadintotemptation，andIwasinadilemma——whethertolieortorejectthem。
　　NevershallIforgethepainfulfeelingIexperiencedthedayIreceivedtheEucharistforthefirsttimeaftermanyyears。Theservice，confession，andprayerswerequiteintelligibleandproducedinmeagladconsciousnessthatthemeaningoflifewasbeingrevealedtome。TheCommunionitselfIexplainedasanactperformedinremembranceofChrist，andindicatingapurificationfromsinandthefullacceptanceofChrist’steaching。IfthatexplanationwasartificialIdidnotnoticeitsartificiality：sohappywasIathumblingandabasingmyselfbeforethepriest——asimple，timidcountryclergyman——turningallthedirtoutofmysoulandconfessingmyvices，sogladwasItomergeinthoughtwiththehumilityofthefatherswhowrotetheprayersoftheoffice，sogladwasIofunionwithallwhohavebelievedandnowbelieve，thatIdidnotnoticetheartificialityofmyexplanation。
　　ButwhenIapproachedthealtargates，andthepriestmademesaythatIbelievedthatwhatIwasabouttoswallowwastrulyfleshandblood，Ifeltapaininmyheart：itwasnotmerelyafalsenote，itwasacrueldemandmadebysomeoneorotherwhoevidentlyhadneverknownwhatfaithis。
　　Inowpermitmyselftosaythatitwasacrueldemand，butI
　　didnotthenthinkso：onlyitwasindescribablypainfultome。I
　　wasnolongerinthepositioninwhichIhadbeeninyouthwhenI
　　thoughtallinlifewasclear；Ihadindeedcometofaithbecause，apartfromfaith，Ihadfoundnothing，certainlynothing，exceptdestruction；thereforetothrowawaythatfaithwasimpossibleandIsubmitted。AndIfoundinmysoulafeelingwhichhelpedmetoendureit。Thiswasthefeelingofself—abasementandhumility。
　　Ihumbledmyself，swallowedthatfleshandbloodwithoutanyblasphemousfeelingsandwithawishtobelieve。Buttheblowhadbeenstruckand，knowingwhatawaitedme，Icouldnotgoasecondtime。
　　IcontinuedtofulfiltheritesoftheChurchandstillbelievedthatthedoctrineIwasfollowingcontainedthetruth，whensomethinghappenedtomewhichInowunderstandbutwhichthenseemedstrange。
　　Iwaslisteningtotheconversationofanilliteratepeasant，apilgrim，aboutGod，faith，life，andsalvation，whenaknowledgeoffaithrevealeditselftome。Idrewneartothepeople，listeningtotheiropinionsoflifeandfaith，andIunderstoodthetruthmoreandmore。SoalsowasitwhenIreadtheLivesofHolymen，whichbecamemyfavouritebooks。Puttingasidethemiraclesandregardingthemasfablesillustratingthoughts，thisreadingrevealedtomelife’smeaning。TherewerethelivesofMakariustheGreat，thestoryofBuddha，therewerethewordsofSt。JohnChrysostom，andtherewerethestoriesofthetravellerinthewell，themonkwhofoundsomegold，andofPeterthepublican。
　　Therewerestoriesofthemartyrs，allannouncingthatdeathdoesnotexcludelife，andtherewerethestoriesofignorant，stupidmen，whoknewnothingoftheteachingoftheChurchbutwhoyetweresaves。
　　ButassoonasImetlearnedbelieversortookuptheirbooks，doubtofmyself，dissatisfaction，andexasperateddisputationwererousedwithinme，andIfeltthatthemoreIenteredintothemeaningofthesemen’sspeech，themoreIwentastrayfromtruthandapproachedanabyss。
　　XV
　　HowoftenIenviedthepeasantstheirilliteracyandlackoflearning!Thosestatementsinthecreedswhichtomewereevidentabsurdities，forthemcontainednothingfalse；theycouldacceptthemandcouldbelieveinthetruth——thetruthIbelievedin。
　　Onlytome，unhappyman，wasitclearthatwithtruthfalsehoodwasinterwovenbyfinestthreads，andthatIcouldnotacceptitinthatform。
　　SoIlivedforaboutthreeyears。Atfirst，whenIwasonlyslightlyassociatedwithtruthasacatechumenandwasonlyscentingoutwhatseemedtomeclearest，theseencountersstruckmeless。WhenIdidnotunderstandanything，Isaid，"Itismyfault，Iamsinful"；butthemoreIbecameimbuedwiththetruthsIwaslearning，themoretheybecamethebasisofmylife，themoreoppressiveandthemorepainfulbecametheseencountersandthesharperbecamethelinebetweenwhatIdonotunderstandbecauseI
　　amnotabletounderstandit，andwhatcannotbeunderstoodexceptbylyingtooneself。
　　InspiteofmydoubtsandsufferingsIstillclungtotheOrthodoxChurch。Butquestionsoflifearosewhichhadtobedecided；andthedecisionofthesequestionsbytheChurch——
　　contrarytotheverybasesofthebeliefbywhichIlived——
　　obligedmeatlasttorenouncecommunionwithOrthodoxyasimpossible。Thesequestionswere：firsttherelationoftheOrthodoxEasternChurchtootherChurches——totheCatholicsandtotheso—calledsectarians。Atthattime，inconsequenceofmyinterestinreligion，Icameintotouchwithbelieversofvariousfaiths：Catholics，protestants，Old—Believers，Molokans[Footnote：
　　Asectthatrejectssacramentsandritual。]，andothers。AndI
　　metamongthemmanymenofloftymoralswhoweretrulyreligious。
　　Iwishedtobeabrothertothem。Andwhathappened？Thatteachingwhichpromisedtouniteallinonefaithandlove——thatveryteaching，inthepersonofitsbestrepresentatives，toldmethatthesemenwerealllivingalie；thatwhatgavethemtheirpoweroflifewasatemptationofthedevil；andthatwealonepossesstheonlypossibletruth。AndIsawthatallwhodonotprofessanidenticalfaithwiththemselvesareconsideredbytheOrthodoxtobeheretics，justastheCatholicsandothersconsidertheOrthodoxtobeheretics。AndisawthattheOrthodox（thoughtheytrytohidethis）regardwithhostilityallwhodonotexpresstheirfaithbythesameexternalsymbolsandwordsasthemselves；
　　andthisisnaturallyso；first，becausetheassertionthatyouareinfalsehoodandIamintruth，isthemostcruelthingonemancansaytoanother；andsecondly，becauseamanlovinghischildrenandbrotherscannothelpbeinghostiletothosewhowishtoperverthischildrenandbrotherstoafalsebelief。Andthathostilityisincreasedinproportiontoone’sgreaterknowledgeoftheology。
　　Andtomewhoconsideredthattruthlayinunionbylove，itbecameself—evidentthattheologywasitselfdestroyingwhatitoughttoproduce。
　　Thisoffenceissoobvioustouseducatedpeoplewhohavelivedincountrieswherevariousreligionsareprofessedandhaveseenthecontempt，self—assurance，andinvinciblecontradictionwithwhichCatholicsbehavetotheOrthodoxGreeksandtotheProtestants，andtheOrthodoxtoCatholicsandProtestants，andtheProtestantstothetwoothers，andthesimilarattitudeofOld—
　　Believers，Pashkovites（RussianEvangelicals），Shakers，andallreligions——thattheveryobviousnessofthetemptationatfirstperplexesus。Onesaystooneself：itisimpossiblethatitissosimpleandthatpeopledonotseethatiftwoassertionsaremutuallycontradictory，thenneitherofthemhasthesoletruthwhichfaithshouldpossess。Thereissomethingelsehere，theremustbesomeexplanation。Ithoughttherewas，andsoughtthatexplanationandreadallIcouldonthesubject，andconsultedallwhomIcould。Andnoonegavemeanyexplanation，excepttheonewhichcausestheSumskyHussarstoconsidertheSumskyHussarsthebestregimentintheworld，andtheYellowUhlanstoconsiderthatthebestregimentintheworldistheYellowUhlans。Theecclesiasticsofallthedifferentcreeds，throughtheirbestrepresentatives，toldmenothingbutthattheybelievedthemselvestohavethetruthandtheotherstobeinerror，andthatalltheycoulddowastoprayforthem。Iwenttoarchimandrites，bishops，elders，monksofthestrictestorders，andaskedthem；butnoneofthemmadeanyattempttoexplainthemattertomeexceptoneman，whoexplaineditallandexplaineditsothatIneveraskedanyoneanymoreaboutit。Isaidthatforeveryunbelieverturningtoabelief（andallouryounggenerationareinapositiontodoso）
　　thequestionthatpresentsitselffirstis，whyistruthnotinLutheranismnorinCatholicism，butinOrthodoxy？Educatedinthehighschoolhecannothelpknowingwhatthepeasantsdonotknow——
　　thattheProtestantsandCatholicsequallyaffirmthattheirfaithistheonlytrueone。Historicalevidence，twistedbyeachreligioninitsownfavour，isinsufficient。Isitnotpossible，saidI，tounderstandtheteachinginaloftierway，sothatfromitsheightthedifferencesshoulddisappear，astheydoforonewhobelievestruly？CanwenotgofurtheralongapathliketheonewearefollowingwiththeOld—Believers？Theyemphasizethefactthattheyhaveadifferentlyshapedcrossanddifferentalleluiasandadifferentprocessionroundthealtar。Wereply：YoubelieveintheNiceneCreed，inthesevensacraments，andsodowe。Letusholdtothat，andinothermattersdoasyoupease。Wehaveunitedwiththembyplacingtheessentialsoffaithabovetheunessentials。NowwiththeCatholicscanwenotsay：Youbelieveinsoandsoandinsoandso，whicharethechiefthings，andasfortheFilioqueclauseandthePope——doasyouplease。CanwenotsaythesametotheProtestants，unitingwiththeminwhatismostimportant？
　　Myinterlocutoragreedwithmythoughts，buttoldmethatsuchconceptionswouldbringreproachothespiritualauthoritiesfordesertingthefaithofourforefathers，andthiswouldproduceaschism；andthevocationofthespiritualauthoritiesistosafeguardinallitspuritytheGreco—RussianOrthodoxfaithinheritedfromourforefathers。
　　AndIunderstooditall。Iamseekingafaith，thepoweroflife；andtheyareseekingthebestwaytofulfilintheeyesofmencertainhumanobligations。andfulfillingthesehumanaffairstheyfulfiltheminahumanway。Howevermuchtheymaytalkoftheirpityfortheirerringbrethren，andofaddressingprayersforthemtothethroneoftheAlmighty——tocarryouthumanpurposesviolenceisnecessary，andithasalwaysbeenappliedandisandwillbeapplied。Ifoftworeligionseachconsidersitselftrueandtheotherfalse，thenmendesiringtoattractotherstothetruthwillpreachtheirowndoctrine。AndifafalseteachingispreachedtotheinexperiencedsonsoftheirChurch——whichasthetruth——thenthatChurchcannotbutburnthebooksandremovethemanwhoismisleadingitssons。Whatistobedonewithasectarian——burning，intheopinionoftheOrthodox，withthefireoffalsedoctrine——whointhemostimportantaffairoflife，infaith，misleadsthesonsoftheChurch？Whatcanbedonewithhimexcepttocutoffhisheadortoincarceratehim？UndertheTsarAlexisMikhaylovichpeoplewereburnedatthestake，thatistosay，theseverestmethodofpunishmentofthetimewasapplied，andinourdayalsotheseverestmethodofpunishmentisapplied——
　　detentioninsolitaryconfinement。[Footnote：AtthetimethiswaswrittencapitalpunishmentwasconsideredtobeabolishedinRussia。——A。M。]
　　ThesecondrelationoftheChurchtoaquestionoflifewaswithregardtowarandexecutions。
　　AtthattimeRussiawasatwar。AndRussians，inthenameofChristianlove，begantokilltheirfellowmen。Itwasimpossiblenottothinkaboutthis，andnottoseethatkillingisanevilrepugnanttothefirstprinciplesofanyfaith。Yetprayersweresaidinthechurchesforthesuccessofourarms，andtheteachersoftheFaithacknowledgedkillingtobeanactresultingfromtheFaith。Andbesidesthemurdersduringthewar，Isaw，duringthedisturbanceswhichfollowedthewar，Churchdignitariesandteachersandmonksofthelesserandstricterorderswhoapprovedthekillingofhelpless，erringyouths。AndItooknoteofallthatisdonebymenwhoprofessChristianity，andIwashorrified。
　　XVI
　　AndIceasedtodoubt，andbecamefullyconvincedthatnotallwastrueinthereligionIhadjoined。FormerlyIshouldhavesaidthatitwasallfalse，butIcouldnotsaysonow。Thewholeofthepeoplepossessedaknowledgeofthetruth，forotherwisetheycouldnothavelived。Moreover，thatknowledgewasaccessibletome，forIhadfeltitandhadlivedbyit。ButInolongerdoubtedthattherewasalsofalsehoodinit。Andallthathadpreviouslyrepelledmenowpresenteditselfvividlybeforeme。AndthoughI
　　sawthatamongthepeasantstherewasasmalleradmixtureoftheliesthatrepelledmethanamongtherepresentativesoftheChurch，Istillsawthatinthepeople’sbeliefalsofalsehoodwasmingledwiththetruth。
　　Butwheredidthetruthandwheredidthefalsehoodcomefrom？
　　Boththefalsehoodandthetruthwerecontainedintheso—calledholytraditionandintheScriptures。BoththefalsehoodandthetruthhadbeenhandeddownbywhatiscalledtheChurch。
　　AndwhetherIlikedornot，Iwasbroughttothestudyandinvestigationofthesewritingsandtraditions——whichtillnowI
　　hadbeensoafraidtoinvestigate。
　　AndIturnedtotheexaminationofthatsametheologywhichI
　　hadoncerejectedwithsuchcontemptasunnecessary。Formerlyitseemedtomeaseriesofunnecessaryabsurdities，whenonallsidesIwassurroundedbymanifestationsoflifewhichseemedtomeclearandfullofsense；nowIshouldhavebeengladtothrowawaywhatwouldnotenterahealthhead，butIhadnowheretoturnto。Onthisteachingreligiousdoctrinerests，oratleastwithittheonlyknowledgeofthemeaningoflifethatIhavefoundisinseparablyconnected。Howeverwilditmayseemtoomyfirmoldmind，itwastheonlyhopeofsalvation。Ithadtobecarefully，attentivelyexaminedinordertounderstandit，andnoteventounderstanditasIunderstandthepropositionsofscience：Idonotseekthat，norcanIseekit，knowingthespecialcharacterofreligiousknowledge。Ishallnotseektheexplanationofeverything。Iknowthattheexplanationofeverything，likethecommencementofeverything，mustbeconcealedininfinity。ButI
　　wishtounderstandinawaywhichwillbringmetowhatisinevitablyinexplicable。Iwishtorecognizeanythingthatisinexplicableasbeingsonotbecausethedemandsofmyreasonarewrong（theyareright，andapartfromthemIcanunderstandnothing），butbecauseIrecognizethelimitsofmyintellect。I
　　wishtounderstandinsuchawaythateverythingthatisinexplicableshallpresentitselftomeasbeingnecessarilyinexplicable，andnotasbeingsomethingIamunderanarbitraryobligationtobelieve。
　　Thatthereistruthintheteachingistomeindubitable，butitisalsocertainthatthereisfalsehoodinit，andImustfindwhatistrueandwhatisfalse，andmustdisentangletheonefromtheother。Iamsettingtoworkuponthistask。WhatoffalsehoodIhavefoundintheteachingandwhatIhavefoundoftruth，andtowhatconclusionsIcame，willformthefollowingpartsofthiswork，whichifitbeworthitandifanyonewantsit，willprobablysomedaybeprintedsomewhere。
　　1879。
　　Theforegoingwaswrittenbymesomethreeyearsago，andwillbeprinted。
　　Nowafewdaysago，whenrevisingitandreturningtothelineofthoughtandtothefeelingsIhadwhenIwaslivingthroughitall，Ihadadream。ThisdreamexpressedincondensedformallthatIhadexperiencedanddescribed，andIthinkthereforethat，forthosewhohaveunderstoodme，adescriptionofthisdreamwillrefreshandelucidateandunifywhathasbeensetforthatsuchlengthintheforegoingpages。Thedreamwasthis：
　　IsawthatIwaslyingonabed。Iwasneithercomfortablenoruncomfortable：Iwaslyingonmyback。ButIbegantoconsiderhow，andonwhat，Iwaslying——aquestionwhichhadnottillthenoccurredtome。Andobservingmybed，IsawIwaslyingonplaitedstringsupportsattachedtoitssides：myfeetwererestingononesuchsupport，bycalvesonanother，andmylegsfeltuncomfortable。
　　Iseemedtoknowthatthosesupportsweremovable，andwithamovementofmyfootIpushedawaythefurthestofthematmyfeet—
　　—itseemedtomethatitwouldbemorecomfortableso。ButI
　　pusheditawaytoofarandwishedtoreachitagainwithmyfoot，andthatmovementcausedthenextsupportundermycalvestoslipawayalso，sothatmylegshungintheair。Imadeamovementwithmywholebodytoadjustmyself，fullyconvincedthatIcoulddosoatonce；butthemovementcausedtheothersupportsundermetoslipandtobecomeentangled，andIsawthatmattersweregoingquitewrong：thewholeofthelowerpartofmybodyslippedandhungdown，thoughmyfeetdidnotreachtheground。Iwasholdingononlybytheupperpartofmyback，andnotonlydiditbecomeuncomfortablebutIwasevenfrightened。AndthenonlydidIaskmyselfaboutsomethingthathadnotbeforeoccurredtome。Iaskedmyself：WhereamIandwhatamIlyingon？andIbegantolookaroundandfirstofalltolookdowninthedirectionwhichmybodywashangingandwhiterIfeltImustsoonfall。Ilookeddownanddidnotbelievemyeyes。Iwasnotonlyataheightcomparabletotheheightofthehighesttowersormountains，butataheightsuchasIcouldneverhaveimagined。
　　IcouldnotevenmakeoutwhetherIsawanythingtherebelow，inthatbottomlessabyssoverwhichIwashangingandwhiterIwasbeingdrawn。Myheartcontracted，andIexperiencedhorror。Tolookthitherwasterrible。IfIlookedthitherIfeltthatI
　　shouldatonceslipfromthelastsupportandperish。AndIdidnotlook。Butnottolookwasstillworse，forIthoughtofwhatwouldhappentomedirectlyIfellfromthelastsupport。AndI
　　feltthatfromfearIwaslosingmylastsupports，andthatmybackwasslowlyslippinglowerandlower。AnothermomentandIshoulddropoff。Andthenitoccurredtomethatthiscannotereal。Itisadream。Wakeup!Itrytoarousemyselfbutcannotdoso。
　　WhatamItodo？WhatamItodo？Iaskmyself，andlookupwards。
　　Above，thereisalsoaninfinitespace。Ilookintotheimmensityofskyandtrytoforgetabouttheimmensitybelow，andIreallydoforgetit。Theimmensitybelowrepelsandfrightensme；theimmensityaboveattractsandstrengthensme。Iamstillsupportedabovetheabyssbythelastsupportsthathavenotyetslippedfromunderme；IknowthatIamhanging，butIlookonlyupwardsandmyfearpasses。Ashappensindreams，avoicesays："Noticethis，thisisit!"AndIlookmoreandmoreintotheinfiniteabovemeandfeelthatIambecomingcalm。Irememberallthathashappened，andrememberhowitallhappened；howImovedmylegs，howIhungdown，howfrightenedIwas，andhowIwassavedfromfearbylookingupwards。AndIaskmyself：Well，andnowamInothangingjustthesame？AndIdonotsomuchlookroundasexperiencewithmywholebodythepointofsupportonwhichIamheld。IseethatInolongerhangasifabouttofall，butamfirmlyheld。IaskmyselfhowIamheld：Ifeelabout，lookround，andseethatunderme，underthemiddleofmybody，thereisonesupport，andthatwhenIlookupwardsIlieonitinthepositionofsecurestbalance，andthatitalonegavemesupportbefore。Andthen，ashappensindreams，IimaginedthemechanismbymeansofwhichIwasheld；averynaturalintelligible，andsuremeans，thoughtooneawakethatmechanismhasnosense。IwasevensurprisedinmydreamthatIhadnotunderstooditsooner。Itappearedthatatmyheadtherewasapillar，andthesecurityofthatslenderpillarwasundoubtedthoughtherewasnothingtosupportit。Fromthepillaraloophungveryingeniouslyandyetsimply，andifonelaywiththemiddleofone’sbodyinthatloopandlookedup，therecouldbenoquestionoffalling。Thiswasallcleartome，andIwasgladandtranquil。Anditseemedasifsomeonesaidtome："Seethatyouremember。"
　　AndIawoke。