"Droppingone’sbiographerisn’twithoutprecedent。AssoonasanymanevergottoknowNapoleonwellenoughtowritehimuphesenthimtothefront，wherehecouldgetalittleleadinhissystem。"
　　"IwishIhadhadaBoswellallthesame，"saidShakespeare。"Thentheworldwouldhaveknownthetruthaboutme。"
　　"Itwouldn’tifhe’dreliedonyourwordforit，"retortedtheDoctor。"Hullo!here’sHamlet。"
　　AstheDoctorspoke，inverytruththemelancholyDaneappearedinthedoorway，moremelancholyofaspectthanever。
　　"What’sthematterwithyou？"askedCicero，addressingthenew—comer。
　　"Haven’tyougotthatpoisonoutofyoursystemyet？"
　　"Notentirely，"saidHamlet，withasigh；"butitisn’tthatthat’sbotheringme。It’sFate。"
　　"We’llgetoutaninjunctionagainstFateifyoulike，"saidBlackstone。"Isitpersecution，orhaveyoudeservedit？"
　　"Ithinkit’spersecution，"saidHamlet。"IneverwrongedFateinmylife，andwhysheshouldpursuemelikeademonthroughalleternityisathingIcan’tunderstand。"
　　"MaybeOpheliaisbackofit，"suggestedDoctorJohnson。"Thesewomenhaveagreatdealofsympathyforeachother，and，candidly，I
　　thinkyoubehavedprettyrudelytoOphelia。It’sapoorwaytoshowyourloveforayoungwoman，runningaswordthroughherfathereverynightforpay，anddrivingthegirltosuicidewithequalfrequency，justtoshowtheatre—goerswhatasmartlittleDaneyoucanbeifyoutry。"
　　"’Tisn’tmedoesallthat，"returnedHamlet。"Ionlydiditonce，andeventhenitwasn’tasbadasShakespearemadeitouttobe。"
　　"Iputitdownjustasitwas，"saidShakespeare，hotly，"andyoucan’tdisputeit。"
　　"Yes，hecan，"saidYorick。"YoumadehimtellHoratioheknewmewell，andhenevermetmeinhislife。"
　　"InevertoldHoratioanythingofthesort，"saidHamlet。"Ineverenteredthegraveyardeven，andIcanproveanalibi。"
　　"And，what’smore，hecouldn’thavemadetheremarkthewayShakespearehasit，anyhow，"saidYorick，"andforaverygoodreason。Iwasn’tburiedinthatgraveyard，andHamletandIcanproveanalibifortheskull，too。"
　　"Itwasagoodplay，justthesame，"saidCicero。
　　"Very，"putinDoctorJohnson。"Itcuredmeofinsomnia。"
　　"Well，ifyoudon’ttalkinyoursleep，theplaydidaChristianservicetotheworld，"retortedShakespeare。"But，really，Hamlet，I
　　thoughtIdidthesquarethingbyyouinthatplay。Imeantto，anyhow；andifithasmadeyouunhappy，I’mhonestlysorry。"
　　"Spokenlikeaman，"saidYorick。
　　"Idon’tmindtheplaysomuch，"saidHamlet，"butthewayI’mrepresentedbythesefellowswhoplayitisthethingthatrubsmethewrongway。Why，Ievenhearthatthere’satroupeoutinthewesternpartoftheUnitedStatesthatputsthethingonwiththreeHamlets，twoghosts，andapairofblood—hounds。It’scalledtheUncle—Tom—HamletCombination，andinsteadofmyfallinginlovewithonecrazyOphelia，IammadetowoothreeduskymaniacsnamedTopsyonacanvasice—floe，whiletheblood—houndsbarkbehindthescenes。
　　Whatsortoftreatmentisthatforamanofroyallineage？"
　　"It’sprettyrough，"saidNapoleon。"Asthepoetoughttohavesaid，’Oh，Hamlet，Hamlet，whatcrimesarecommittedinthyname!’"
　　"IfeelasbadlyabouttheplayasHamletdoes，"saidShakespeare，afteramomentofsilentthought。"Idon’tbothermuchaboutthiswildWesternbusiness，though，becauseIthinktheintroductionofthebloodhoundsandtheTopsiesmakesusbothmorepopularinthatregionthanweshouldbeotherwise。WhatIobjecttoisthewaywearetreatedbytheseso—calledfirst—classintellectualactorsinLondonandothergreatcities。I’veseenHamletdonebeforeahighlycultivatedaudience，and，byJove，itmademeblush。"
　　"Metoo，"sighedHamlet。"Ihaveseenamanwhohadawalkonhimthatsuggestedspring—haltandlocomotorataxiacombinedimpersonatingmygracefulselfinamannerthatdrovemealmostcrazy。I’veheardmy’Tobeornottobe’soliloquyutteredbyafamoustragedianintonesthatwouldmakeagraveyardyawnatmid—
　　day，andiftherewasanywayinwhichIcouldgetevenwiththatmanI’ddoit。"
　　"Itseemstome，"saidBlackstone，assumingforthemomentahighlyjudicialmanner——"itseemstomethatShakespeare，havinggotyouintothistrouble，oughttogetyououtofit。"
　　"Buthow？"saidShakespeare，earnestly。"That’sthepoint。HeavenknowsI’mwillingenough。"
　　Hamlet’sfacesuddenlybrightenedasthoughilluminatedwithanidea。
　　ThenhebegantodanceabouttheroomwithanexpressionofgleethatannoyedDoctorJohnsonexceedingly。
　　"IwishDarwincouldseeyounow，"theDoctorgrowled。"Akodakpictureofyouwouldprovehisargumentsconclusively。"
　　"Railon，Ophilosopher!"retortedHamlet。"Railon!Imindyourrailingsnot，forIthegermofanideahavegot。"
　　"Well，goquarantineyourself，"saidtheDoctor。"I’dhatetohaveoneofyourideamicrobesgetholdofme。"
　　"What’sthescheme？"askedShakespeare。
　　"YoucanwriteaplayforME!"criedHamlet。"Makeitafarce—
　　tragedy。Takethemodernplayerforyourhero，andletMEplayHIM。
　　I’llbaithimthroughfouracts。I’llimitatehiswalk。I’llcultivatehisvoice。We’llhavethefirstactatankact，anddroptheherointothetank。Thesecondactcanbeinasaw—mill，andwecancuthishairoffonabuzz—saw。Thethirdactcanintroduceaspile—driverwithwhichtodrivehishatoverhiseyesandknockhisbrainsdownintohislungs。ThefourthactcanbeatNiagaraFalls，andwe’llsendhimoverthefalls；andforagrandclimaxwecanhavehimguillotinedjustafterhehasswallowedaquartofprussicacidandaspoonfulofpowderedglass。Dothatforme，William，andyouareforgiven。I’llplayitforsixhundrednightsinLondon，fortwoyearsinNewYork，androundupwithaone—nightstandinBoston。"
　　"Itsoundslikeagoodscheme，"saidShakespeare，meditatively。
　　"Whatshallwecallit？"
　　"CallitIrving，"saidEugeneAram，whohadentered。"Itoohavesuffered。"
　　"AndletmebeHamlet’sunderstudy，"saidCharlestheFirst，earnestly。
　　"Done!"saidShakespeare，callingforapadandpencil。
　　AndasthesunroseupontheStyxthenextmorningtheBardofAvonwastobeseenwritingacomicchorustobesungoverthemoribundtragedianbytheshadesofCharles，Aram，andothereminentdeceasedheroesofthestage，withwhichhisnewplayofIrvingwastobebroughttoanappropriateclose。
　　Thisplayhasnotasyetfounditswayupontheboards，butanyenterprisingmanagerwhodesirestoconsideritmayaddressHamlet，TheHouse—Boat，Hades—on—the—Styx。
　　Heissuretogetareplybyreturnmail，unlessMephistophelesinterferes，whichisnotunlikely，sinceMephistophelesissaidtohavebeenmuchpleasedwiththemannerinwhichtheeminenttragedianhasputhimbeforetheBritishandAmericanpublic。
　　CHAPTERV：THEHOUSECOMMITTEEDISCUSSTHEPOETS
　　"There’sonethingthishouse—boatneeds，"wroteHomerinthecomplaint—bookthatadornedthecentre—tableinthereading—room，"andthatisaPoets’Corner。Therearesmoking—roomsforthosewhosmoke，billiard—roomsforthosewhoplaybilliards，andacard—roomforthosewhoplaycards。Idonotsmoke，Ican’tplaybilliards，andIdonotknowatreyofdiamondsfromasilversalver。AllIcandoiswritepoetry。Whydiscriminateagainstme？ByallmeansletushaveaPoets’Corner，whereamancanbeinspiredinpeace。"
　　Forfourdaysthisentrylayinthebookapparentlyunnoticed。Onthefifthdaythefollowinglines，signedbySamson，appeared：
　　"IapproveofHomer’ssuggestion。ThereshouldbeaPoets’Cornerhere。Thentherestofuscouldhavesomecomfort。Whileplayingvingt—et—unwithDiogenesinthecard—roomonFridayeveningapoeticmemberofthisclubwastakenwithamostviolentfancy，anditrequiredthecombinedeffortsofDiogenesandmyself，assistedbythejanitor，toremovethefrenziedandobjectionablememberfromtheroom。Thehabitsomeofourpoetshaveacquiredofgivingwaytotheirinspirationsallovertheclub—houseshouldbestopped，andI
　　knowofnobetterwaytoaccomplishthisdesirableendthanbytheadoptionofHomer’ssuggestion。ThereforeIsecondthemotion。"
　　OfcoursethesuggestionoftwomemberssoprominentasHomerandSamsoncouldnotwellheignoredbythehousecommittee，anditreluctantlytookthesubjectinhandatanearlymeeting。
　　"Ifindhere，"saidDemosthenestothechairman，asthecommitteegathered，"asuggestionfromHomerandSamsonthatthishouse—boatbeprovidedwithaPoets’Corner。IdonotknowthatIapproveofthesuggestionmyself，butinordertobringitbeforethecommitteefordebateIamwillingtomakeamotionthattherequestbegranted。"
　　"Excuseme，"putinDoctorJohnson，"butwheredoyoufindthatsuggestion？’Here’isnotverydefinite。WhereIS’here’？"
　　"Inthecomplaint—book，whichIholdinmyhand，"returnedDemosthenes，puttingapebbleinhismouthsothathemightenunciatemoreclearly。
　　AfrownruffledtheserenityofDoctorJohnson’sbrow。
　　"Inthecomplaint—book，eh？"hesaid，slowly。"Ithoughthousecommitteeswerenotexpectedtopayanyattentiontocomplaintsincomplaint—books。Ineverheardofitsbeingdonebefore。"
　　"Well，Ican’tsaythatIhaveeither，"repliedDemosthenes，chewingthoughtfullyonthepebble，"butIsupposecomplaint—booksaretheplacesforcomplaints。Youdon’texpectpeopletowriteserialstoriesordialectpoemsinthem，doyou？"
　　"Thatisn’tthepoint，asthemansaidtotheassassinwhotriedtostabhimwiththehiltofhisdagger，"retortedDoctorJohnson，withsomeasperity。"Ofcourse，complaint—booksareforthereceptionofcomplaints——nobodydisputesthat。WhatIwanttohavedeterminediswhetheritisnecessaryorproperforthecomplaintstogofurther。"
　　"Ifancywehavealegalrighttotakethematterup，"saidBlackstone，wearily；"thoughIdon’tknowofanyprecedentforsuchaction。InalltheclubsIhaveknownthehousecommitteeshaveinvariablytakenthegroundthatthecomplaint—bookwasestablishedtoguardthemagainsttheannoyanceofhearingcomplaints。Thisone，however，hasbeenforceduponusbyoursecretary，andinviewoftheageofthecomplainantsIthinkwecannotwelldeclinetogivethemaspecificanswer。Respectforageisderigueuratalltimes，likecleanhands。I’llsecondthemotion。"
　　"IthinkthePoets’Cornerentirelyunnecessary，"saidConfucius。
　　"Thisisn’taclassorganization，andweshouldresistanyefforttomakeitoranyportionofitso。Infact，Iwillgofurtherandstatethatitismyopinionthatifwedoanylegislatinginthematteratall，weoughttodiscourageratherthanencouragethesepoets。Theyarealwayslitteringtheclubupwiththemselves。OnlylastWednesdayIcameherewithaguest——nolessapersonthanarecentlydeceasedEmperorofChina——andwhatwasthefirstsightthatgreetedoureyes？"
　　"Igiveitup，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Itmusthavebeenacatacorneredsight，whateveritwas，iftheEmperor’seyesslantedlikeyours。"
　　"Nopersonalities，please，Doctor，"saidSirWalterRaleigh，thechairman，rappingthetablevigorouslywiththeshadeofahandsomegavelthathadonceadornedtheRomanSenate—chamber。
　　"He’sonlyaChinaman!"mutteredJohnson。
　　"Whatwasthesightthatgreetedyoureyes，Confucius？"askedCassius。
　　"OmarKhayyamstretchedoverfiveofthemostcomfortablechairsinthelibrary，"returnedConfucius；"andwhenIventuredtoremonstratewithhimhelosthistemper，andsaidI’dspoiledthewholesecondvolumeoftheRubaiyat。Itoldhimheoughttodohisrubaiyattingathome，andhemadeascene，toavoidwhichIhastenedwithmyguestovertothebilliard—room；andthere，stretchedatfulllengthonthepool—table，wasRobertBurnstryingtowriteasonnetontheclothwithchalkinlesstimethanVilloncouldturnoutanother，withtwolinesstart，onthebilliard—tablewiththesamewritingmaterials。
　　NowIaskyou，gentlemen，ifthesethingsaretobetolerated？Aretheynotrathertobereprehended，whetherIamaChinamanornot？"
　　"Whatwouldyouhaveusdo，then？"askedSirWalterRaleigh，alittlenettled。"Excludepoetsaltogether？Iwasone，remember。"
　　"Oh，butnotmuchofone，SirWalter，"putinDoctorJohnson，deprecatingly。
　　"No，"saidConfucius。"Idon’twantthemexcluded，buttheyshouldbecontrolled。Youdon’tletashoemakerwhohasbecomeamemberofthisclubturnthelibrarysofasintobenchesandgopeggingawayatboot—making，sowhyshouldyouletthepoetsturntheplaceintoaversefactory？That’swhatI’dliketoknow。"
　　"Idon’tknowbutwhatyourpointiswelltaken，"saidBlackstone，"thoughIcan’tsayIthinkyourparallelsareveryparallel。A
　　shoemaker，mydearConfucius，issomewhatdifferentfromapoet。"
　　"Certainly，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Verydifferent——infact，differentenoughtomakeaconundrumofthequestion——whatisthedifferencebetweenashoemakerandapoet？Onemakestheshoesandtheothershakesthemuse——allthedifferenceintheworld。Still，I
　　don’tseehowwecanexcludethepoets。Itistheverydemocracyofthisclubthatgivesitlife。Wetakeineverybody——peer，poet，orwhatnot。Tosaythatthismanshallnotenterbecauseheisthisorthatortheotherthingwouldresultinourultimatelybecomingaclassorganization，which，asConfuciushimselfsays，wearenotandmustnotbe。Ifweputoutthepoettopleasethesage，we’llsoonhavetoputoutthesagetopleasethefool，andsoon。We’llkeepitup，oncetheprecedentisestablished，untilfinallyitwillbecomeaclassclubentirely——aPlumbers’Club，forinstance——andhowabsurdthatwouldbeinHades!No，gentlemen，itcan’tbedone。Thepoetsmustandshallbepreserved。"
　　"What’stheobjectiontoclassclubs，anyhow？"askedCassius。"I
　　don’tobjecttothem。IfwecouldhavehadpoliticalorganizationsinmydayImightnothavehadtofallonmyswordtogetoutofkeepinganengagementIhadnofancyfor。Classclubshavetheiruses。"
　　"Nodoubt，"saidDemosthenes。"Havealltheclassclubsyouwant，butdonotmakeoneofthis。AnAuthors’Club，wherenonebutauthorsareadmitted，isagoodthing。Thememberslearntherethatthereareotherauthorsthanthemselves。Poets’Clubsareagoodthing；theybringpoetsintocontactwitheachother，andtheylearnwhataboreitistohavetolistentoapoetreadinghisownpoem。
　　Pugilists’Clubsaregood；soareallotherclassclubs；butsoalsoareclubslikeourown，whichtakesinallwhoareworthy。Hereapoetcantalkpoetryasmuchashewants，butatthesametimehehearssomethingbesidespoetry。Wemuststicktoouroriginalidea。"
　　"ThenletusdosomethingtoabatethenuisanceofwhichIcomplain，"
　　saidConfucius。"Can’tweadoptahouserulethatpoetsmustnotbeinspiredbetweenthehoursof11A。M。and5P。M。，orintheeveningaftereight；thatanypoetdiscoveredusingmorethanfivearm—chairsinthecompositionofaquatrainwillbechargedtwoobolianhourforeachchairinexcessofthatnumber；andthatthebilliard—markershallberequiredtochargeapremiumofthreetimestheordinaryfeefortablesusedbyversifiersinlieuofwriting—pads？"
　　"Thatwouldn’tbeabadidea，"saidSirWalterRaleigh。"I，asapoetwouldnotobjecttothat。Idoallmyworkathome，anyhow。"
　　"There’sanotherphaseofthisbusinessthatwehaven’tconsideredyet，andit’sratherimportant，"saidDemosthenes，takingafreshpebbleoutofhisbonbonniere。"That’sinthematterofstationery。
　　Thisclub，likeallotherwell—regulatedclubs，providesitsmemberswithasuitablesupplyofwritingmaterials。Charoninformsmethatthewaste—basketslastweekturnedoutforty—tworeamsofourbestcorrespondencepaperonwhichthesepoetshadscribbledthefirstdraftoftheirverses。NowIdon’tthinktheclubshouldfurnishthepoetswiththerawmaterialfortheirpoemsanymorethan，togobacktoConfucius’sshoemaker，itshouldsupplyleatherforourcobblers。"
　　"Whatdoyoumeanbyrawmaterialforpoems？"askedSirWalter，withafrown。
　　"Pen，ink，andpaper。Whatelse？"saidDemosthenes。
　　"Doesn’tittakebrainstowriteapoem？"saidRaleigh。
　　"Doesn’tittakebrainstomakeapairofshoes？"retortedDemosthenes，swallowingapebbleinhishaste。
　　"They’vegotarighttothestationery，though，"putinBlackstone。
　　"Aclearlegalrighttoit。Iftheychoosetowritepoemsonthepaperinsteadofboringpeopletodeathwithletters，asmostofusdo，that’stheirownaffair。"
　　"Well，they’reverywasteful，"saidDemosthenes。
　　"Wecanmeetthateasilyenough，"observedCassius。"Furnisheachwriting—tablewithaslate。Ishouldthinkthey’dbepleasedwiththat。It’ssomucheasiertoruboutthewrongword。"
　　"Mostpoetsprefertorubouttherightword，"growledConfucius。
　　"Besides，Ishallneverconsenttoslatesinthishouse—boat。Thesqueakingofthepencilswouldbeworsethanthepoemsthemselves。"
　　"That’strue，"saidCassius。"Ineverthoughtofthat。Ifadozenpoetsgottoworkonthoseslatesatonce，afifecorpswouldn’tbeacircumstancetothem。"
　　"Well，itallgoestoprovewhatIhavethoughtallalong，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Homer’sideaisagoodone，andSamsonwaswiseinbackingitup。Thepoetsneedtobeconcentratedsomewherewheretheywillnotbeanuisancetootherpeople，andwhereotherpeoplewillnotbeanuisancetothem。Homeroughttohaveaplacetocomposeinwherethevingt—et—unplayerswillnotinterrupthisfrenzies，and，ontheotherhand，thevingt—et—unandotherplayersshouldbeprotectedfromthewooersofthemuse。I’llvotetohavethePoets’Corner，andinitImovethatCassius’sslateideabecarriedout。Itwillbeagreatsaving，andifthecornerweselectbefarenoughawayfromtheothercornersoftheclub，thesqueakingoftheslate—pencilsneedbothernoone。"
　　"Iagreetothat，"saidBlackstone。"OnlyIthinkitshouldbeunderstoodthat，ingrantingthepetitionofthepoets，wedonotbindourselvestoyieldtodoctorsandlawyersandshoemakersandplumbersincasetheyshouldeachwantacornertothemselves。"
　　"Averywiseidea，"saidSirWalter。Whereupontheresolutionwassuitablyworded，andpassedunanimously。
　　JustwherethePoets’Corneristobelocatedthemembersofthecommitteehavenotasyetdecided，althoughConfuciusisstronglyinfavorofhavingitplacedinadingysituatedaquarterofamileasternofthehouse—boat，andconnectedtherewithbyaslightcord，whichcanbeeasilycutincasethesqueakingofthepoets’slate—
　　pencilsbecomestoomuchforthenervoussystemofthememberswhohavenocorneroftheirown。
　　CHAPTERVI：SOMETHEORIES，DARWINIANANDOTHERWISE
　　"Iobserve，"saidDoctorDarwin，lookingupfromaperusalofanasbestoscopyoftheLondonTimes——"IobservethatanAmericanprofessorhasdiscoveredthatmonkeystalk。Iconsiderthataveryinterestingfact。"
　　"Itundoubtedlyis，"observedDoctorLivingstone，"thoughhardlynew。
　　Ineversaidanythingaboutitoverintheotherworld，butI
　　discoveredyearsagoinAfricathatmonkeyswerequiteaswellabletoholdasustainedconversationwitheachotherasmostmenare。"
　　"AndI，too，"putinBaronMunchausen，"havefrequentlyconversedwithmonkeys。Imademyselfamasteroftheiridiomsduringmybriefsojournin——ah——in——well，nevermindwhere。Inevercouldrememberthenamesofplaces。TheinterestingpointisthatatoneperiodofmylifeIwasamasterofthemonkeylanguage。IhaveevengonesofarastowriteasonnetinSimian，whichwasquiteasintelligibletotheuneducatedasnine—tenthsofthesonnetswritteninEnglishorAmerican。"
　　"Doyoumeantosaythatyoucouldacquirethemonkeyaccent？"askedDoctorDarwin，immediatelyinterested。
　　"Inmostinstances，"returnedtheBaron，suavely，"thoughofcoursenotinall。IfoundthesamedifficultyinsomecasesthattheGermanortheChinamanfindswhenhetriestospeakFrench。A
　　ChinamancannomoresayTrocadero，forinstance，astheFrenchmansaysit，thanhecanfly。ThatpeculiarthroatyaspiratetheFrenchmangivestothefirstsyllable，asthoughitwerespelledtrhoque，isutterlybeyondtheChinese——andbeyondtheAmerican，too，whoseideaofthetonsillaraspirateleadshimtospeakofthetrochedeero，naturallyfallingbackupontrochestohelphimoutofhislaryngealdifficulties。"
　　"YououghttohavebeenonthestaffofPunch，Baron，"saidThackeray，quietly。"Thatjokewouldhavemadeyouimmortal。"
　　"IAMimmortal，"saidtheBaron。"ButtoreturntoourdiscussionoftheSimiantongue：asIwassaying，thereweresomelittlepointsabouttheaccentthatIcouldneverget，and，asinthecaseoftheGermanandChinamanwiththeFrenchlanguage，thetroublewaspurelyphysical。WhenyouconsiderthatinpoliteSimiansocietymostofthetalkersconversewhileswingingbytheirtailsfromthelimbofatree，withasortofdroningaccent，whichresultsfromtheirswayingtoandfro，youwillseeatoncewhyitwasthatI，deprivedbynatureofthenecessaryapparatuswithwhichtosuspendmyselfinmid—air，wasunabletoquitecatchthequalitywhichgivesitschiefcharmtomonkey—talk。"
　　"Ishouldhardlythinkthatamanofyourfertileresourceswouldhaveletsosmallathingasthatstandinhisway，"saidDoctorLivingstone。"Whenamanisabletomakeareputationforhimselflikeyours，inwhichmaterialfactsareneverallowedtointerferewithhisdoingwhathesetsouttodo，heoughtnottobedauntedbytheneedofatail。Ifyoucouldmakeacherry—treegrowoutofadeer’shead，Ifailtoseewhyyoucouldnotpersonallygrowatail，oranythingelseyoumighthappentoneedfortheattainmentofyourends。"
　　"Iwasnotsoanxioustogettheaccentasallthat，"returnedtheBaron。"Idon’tthinkitisnecessaryforamantomakeamonkeyofhimselfjustforthepleasureofmasteringalanguage。Reasoningsimilarly，amantomastertheartofbrayinginafashioncomprehensibletothejackassofaverageintellectshouldmakeajackassofhimself，cultivatehisears，andlearntokick，soasproperlytopunctuatehissentencesafterthemannerofmostconversationalbeastsofthatkind。"
　　"Thenyoubelievethatjackassestalk，too，doyou？"askedDoctorDarwin。
　　"Whynot？"saidtheBaron。"Ifmonkeys，whynotdonkeys？Certainlytheydo。Allcreatureshavesomemeansofcommunicatingtheirthoughtstoeachother。WhymaninhisconceitshouldthinkotherwiseIdon’tknow，unlessitbethatthebirdsandbeastsintheirconceitprobablythinkthattheyaloneofallthecreaturesintheworldcantalk。"
　　"Ihaven’tadoubt，"saidDoctorLivingstone，"thatmonkeyslisteningtomenandwomentalkingthinktheyareonlyjabbering。"
　　"They’renotfarfromwronginmostcasesiftheydo，"saidDoctorJohnson，whouptothistimehadbeenmerelyaninterestedlistener。
　　"I’vethoughtthatmanyatimemyself。"
　　"Whichisperhaps，inaslightdegree，aconfirmationofmytheory，"
　　putinDarwin。"IfDoctorJohnson’smindrunsinthesamechannelsthatthemonkey’smindrunsin，whymaywenotsaythatDoctorJohnson，beingaman，hascertainqualitiesofthemonkey，andistherefore，inasense，ofthesamestrain？"
　　"Youmaysaywhatyouplease，"retortedJohnson，wrathfully，"butI’llmakeyouprovewhatyousayaboutme。"
　　"Iwouldn’tifIwereyou，"saidDoctorLivingstone，inapeace—
　　makingspirit。"Itwouldnotbeapleasanttaskforyou，compellingourfriendtoproveyoudescendedfromtheape。Ishouldthinkyou’dprefertomakehimleaveitunproved。"
　　"HavemonkeysBoswells？"queriedThackeray。
　　"Idon’tknowanythingabout’em，"saidJohnson，petulantly。
　　"NomoredoI，"saidDarwin，"andIdidn’tmeantobeoffensive，mydearJohnson。IfIclaimSimianancestryforyou，Iclaimitequallyformyself。"
　　"Well，I’mnosnob，"saidJohnson，unmollified。"Ifyouwanttobragaboutyourancestors，doit。Leaveminealone。Sticktoyourowngenealogicalorchard。"
　　"Well，Ibelievefullythatwearealldescendedfromtheape，"saidMunchausen。"Thereisn’tanydoubtinmymindthatbeforethefloodallmenhadtails。Noahhadatail。Shem，Ham，andJaphethhadtails。It’sperfectlyreasonabletobelieveit。TheArkinasenseprovedit。ItwouldhavebeenalmostimpossibleforNoahandhissonstoconstructtheArkinthetimetheydidwiththeassistanceofonlytwohandsapiece。Think，however，ofhowfasttheycouldworkwiththeassistanceofthatthirdarm。NoahcouldhammeraclapboardontotheArkwithtwohandswhilegraspingasawandcuttinganewboardorplaningitoffwithhistail。Sowiththeothers。Weallknowhowmuchathirdhandwouldhelpusattimes。"
　　"Buthowdoyouaccountforitsdisappearance？"putinDoctorLivingstone。"Isitlikelytheywoulddispensewithsuchausefuladjunct？"
　　"No，itisn’t；buttherearevariouswaysofaccountingforitsloss，"saidMunchausen。"TheymayhaveoverworkeditbuildingtheArk；Shem，Ham，orJaphethmayhavehadhiscaughtinthedooroftheArkandcutoffinthehurryofthedeparture；plentyofthingsmayhavehappenedtoeliminateit。Menlosetheirhairandtheirteeth；
　　whymightnotamanloseatail？Scientistssaythatcominggenerationsfarinthefuturewillbetoothlessandbald。Whymayitnotbethatthroughcausesunknowntouswearesimilarlydeprivedofsomethingourforefathershad？"
　　"Theonlyreasonforman’slosinghishairisthathewearsahatallthetime，"saidLivingstone。"TheDerbyhatistheenemyofhair。
　　Itishot，anddriesupthescalp。YoumightaswelltrytoraisewatermelonsintheDesertofSaharaastotrytoraisehairunderthemodernhat。Infact，themodernhatisafurnace。"
　　"Well，it’samightygoodfurnace，"observedMunchausen。"Youdon’thavetoputcoalonthemodernhat。"
　　"Perhaps，"interposedThackeray，"theancientsworetheirhatsontheirtails。"
　　"Well，Ihaveatotallydifferenttheory，"saidJohnson。
　　"Youalwaysdidhave，"observedMunchausen。
　　"Verylikely，"saidJohnson。"Tobecommonplaceneverwasmyambition。"
　　"Whatisyourtheory？"queriedLivingstone。
　　"Well——Idon’tknow，"saidJohnson，"ifitbeworthexpressing。"
　　"Itmaybeworthsendingbyfreight，"interruptedThackeray。"Letushaveit。"
　　"Well，Ibelieve，"saidJohnson——"IbelievethatAdamwasamonkey。"
　　"Hebehavedlikeone，"ejaculatedThackeray。
　　"Ibelievethattheforbiddentreewasatenderone，andthereforetheonlyoneuponwhichAdamwasforbiddentoswingbyhistail，"
　　saidJohnson。
　　"Clearenough——sofar，"saidMunchausen。
　　"ButthatthepossessionoftailsbyAdamandEveentailedaloveofswingingthereby，andthattheycouldnotresistthetemptationtoswingfromeverylimbinEden，andthattherefore，whileAdamwasoffswingingonothertrees，Evetookaswingontheforbiddentree；thatAdam，returning，caughtherintheact，andimmediatelygavewayhimselfandswung，"saidJohnson。
　　"Thenyoueliminatetheserpent？"queriedDarwin。
　　"Notabitofit，"Johnsonanswered。"Theserpentwasthetail。
　　Lookatmostsnakesto—day。Whataretheybutunattachedtails？"
　　"Theydolookit，"saidDarwin，thoughtfully。
　　"Why，it’sclearasday，"saidJohnson。"AspunishmentAdamandEvelosttheirtails，andthetailitselfwascompelledtoworkforalivinganddoitsownwalking。"
　　"Ineverthoughtofthat，"saidDarwin。"Itseemsreasonable。"
　　"Itisreasonable，"saidJohnson。
　　"Andthesnakesofthepresentday？"queriedThackeray。
　　"Ibelievetobethemissingtailsofmen，"saidJohnson。"Somewhereintheworldisatailforeverymanandwomanandchild。Whereone’stailisnoonecaneversay，butthatitexistssimultaneouslywithitsownerIbelieve。Theabhorrencemanhasforsnakesisdirectlyattributabletohisabhorrenceforallthingswhichhavedeprivedhimofsomethingthatisgood。IfAdam’stailhadnottemptedhimtoswingontheforbiddentree，weshouldallofushavebeenablethroughlifetorelaxfrombusinesscaresafterthemannerofthemonkey，whoishappyfrommorninguntilnight。"
　　"Well，Ican’tseethatitdoesusanygoodtosithereanddiscussthismatter，"saidDoctorLivingstone。"Wecan’treachanyconclusion。Theonlywaytosettlethematter，itseemstome，istogodirectlytoAdam，whoisamemberofthisclub，andaskhimhowitwas。"
　　"That’sagreatidea，"saidThackeray，scornfully。"You’dlookwellgoinguptoamanandsaying，’Excuseme，sir，but——ah——wereyoueveramonkey？’"
　　"Tosaynothingofcatechisingamanonthesubjectofanoldanddreadfulscandal，"putinMunchausen。"I’msurprisedatyou，Livingstone。Africanetiquetteseemstohaveruinedyoursenseofpropriety。"
　　"I’djustasliefaskhim，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Etiquette？Bah!
　　Whatbusinesshasetiquettetostandinthewayofhumanknowledge？
　　Conventionalityisthelastthingmenofbrainsshouldstriveafter，andI，forone，amnotgoingtobeboundbyit。"
　　HereDoctorJohnsontouchedtheelectricbell，andinaninstanttheshadeofabuttonsappeared。
　　"Boy，isAdamintheclub—housetoday？"askedthesage。
　　"I’llgoandsee，sir，"saidtheboy，andheimmediatelydeparted。
　　"Goodboythat，"saidThackeray。
　　"Yes；buttheserviceinthisclubisdreadful，consideringwhatwemighthave，"saidDarwin。"WithAladdinamemberofthisclub，I
　　don’tseewhywecan’thavehislampwithgeniigaloretorespond。
　　Itcertainlywouldbemoreeconomical。"
　　"True；butI，forone，don’tcaretofoolwithgenii，"saidMunchausen。"Whenonemembercansummonaservantwhoisstrongenoughtotakeanothermemberanddohimupinabottleandcasthimintothesea，Ihavenouseforthesystem。Plainordinarymortalshadesaregoodenoughforme。"
　　AsMunchausenspoke，theboyreturned。
　　"Mr。Adamisn’thereto—day，sir，"hesaid，addressingDoctorJohnson。"AndCharonsayshe’snotlikelytobehere，sir，seeingashowhisaccountisclosed，nothavingbeensettledforthreemonths。"
　　"Good，"saidThackeray。"Iwasafraidhewashere。Idon’twanttohavehimaskedabouthisEdenexperiencesinmybehalf。That’spersonality。"
　　"Well，then，there’sonlyoneotherthingtodo，"saidDarwin。
　　"MunchausenclaimstobeabletospeakSimian。Hemightseekoutsomeoftheprehistoricmonkeysandputthequestiontothem。"
　　"No，thankyou，"saidMunchausen。"I’malittlerustyinthelanguage，and，besides，youtalklikeanidiot。YoumightaswellspeakofthehumanlanguageastheSimianlanguage。ThereareFrenchmonkeyswhospeakmonkeyFrench，AfricanmonkeyswhotalkthemostbarbarouskindofZulumonkeypatois，andCongomonkeyslang，andsoon。LetJohnsonsendhislittleBoswellouttodrumupinformation。
　　Ifthereisanythingtobefoundouthe’llgetit，andthenhecantellittous。Ofcoursehemaygetitallwrong，butitwillbeentertaining，andwe’llneverknowanydifference。"
　　Whichseemedtotheothersagoodidea，butwhatevercameofitI
　　havenotbeeninformed。
　　CHAPTERVII：ADISCUSSIONASTOLADIES’DAY
　　"ImetQueenElizabethjustnowontheRow，"saidRaleigh，asheenteredthehouse—boatandcheckedhiscloak。
　　"Indeed？"saidConfucius。"Whatifyoudid？OtherpeoplehavemetQueenElizabeth。There’snothingoriginalaboutthat。"
　　"True；butshemadeasuggestiontomeaboutthishouse—boatwhichI
　　thinkisagoodone。Shesaysthewomenareallcrazytoseetheinsideofit，"saidRaleigh。
　　"Thusprovingthatimmortalwomanisnodifferentfrommortalwoman，"
　　retortedConfucius。"Theywanttoseetheinsideofeverything。
　　Curiosity，thynameiswoman。"
　　"Well，IamsureIdon’tseewhymenshouldarrogatetothemselvesthesolerighttoaninvestigatingturnofmind，"saidRaleigh，impatiently。"Whyshouldn’ttheladieswanttoseetheinsideofthisclub—house？Itisacomplimenttousthattheyshould，andI
　　foroneaminfavoroflettingthem，andIamgoingtoproposethatintheIdesofMarchwegivealadies’dayhere。"
　　"ThenIshallgoSouthformyhealthintheIdesofMarch，"saidConfucius，angrily。"Whatonearthisaclubforifitisn’ttoenablementogetawayfromtheirwivesonceinawhile？Whendopeoplegotoclubs？Whentheyareontheirwayhome——that’swhen；
　　andthemoreaman’sathomeinhisclub，thelesshe’sathomewhenhe’sathome。Isupposeyou’llbesuggestingachildren’sdaynext，andafterthataparrot’soracanary—bird’sday。"
　　"Ihadnoideayouweresuchawoman—hater，"saidRaleigh，inastonishment。"What’sthematter？Wereyoueverdisappointedinlove？"
　　"I？Howabsurd!"retortedConfucius，reddening。"TheideaofMY
　　everbeingdisappointedinlove!Inevermetthewomanwhocouldbringmetomyknees，althoughIwasmarriedintheotherworld。
　　WhatbecameofMrs。C。Ineverinquired。ShemaybeinChinayet，foraughtIknow。Iregarddeathasadivorce。"
　　"Yourwifemustbegladofit，"saidRaleigh，somewhatungallantly；
　　for，totellthetruth，hewasnettledbyConfucius’sdemeanor。"I
　　didn’tknow，however，butthatsinceyouescapedfromChinaandcameheretoHadesyoumighthavefalleninlovewithsomespiritofanagesubsequenttoyourown——MaryQueenofScots，orJoanofArc，orsomeotherspook——whorejectedyou。Ican’taccountforyourdislikeofwomenotherwise。"
　　"NotI，"saidConfucius。"HadeswouldhavealessclassicnamethanithasformeifIwerehamperedwithafamily。Butgoalongandhaveyourladies’dayhere，andnevermindmyreasonsforpreferringmyownsocietytothatofthefairsex。Icanatleaststayathomethatday。Whatdoyouproposetodo——throwopenthehousetothewivesofmembers，ortoallladies，irrespectiveoftheirhusbands’
　　membershiphere？"
　　"Ithinkthelatterplanwouldbethebetter，"saidRaleigh。
　　"OtherwiseQueenElizabeth，towhomIamindebtedforthesuggestion，wouldbeexcluded。Shenevermarried，youknow。"
　　"Didn’tshe？"saidConfucius。"No，Ididn’tknowit；butthatdoesn’tproveanything。WhenIwenttoschoolwedidn’tstudythehistoryoftheElizabethanperiod。Shedidn’thaveabsoluteswayoverEngland，then？"
　　"Shehad；butwhatofthat？"queriedRaleigh。
　　"Doyoumeantosaythatshelivedanddiedanoldmaidfromchoice？"
　　demandedConfucius。
　　"CertainlyIdo，"saidRaleigh。"AndwhyshouldInottellyouthat？"
　　"Foraverygoodandsufficientreason，"retortedConfucius，"whichis，inbrief，thatIamnotamarine。Imaydislikewomen，mydearRaleigh，butIknowthembetterthanyoudo，gallantasyouare；andwhenyoutellmeinoneandthesamemomentthatawomanholdingabsoluteswayovermenyetlivedanddiedanoldmaid，youmustnotbeindignantifIsmileandbitetheendofmythumb，whichistheChinesewayofsayingthat’sallinyoureye，BettyMartin。"
　　"Believeitornot，youpooroldbacknumber，"retortedRaleigh，hotly。"Italtersnothing。QueenElizabethcouldhavemarriedahundredtimesoverifshehadwished。IknowIlostmyheadtherecompletely。"
　　"Thatshows，SirWalter，"saidDryden，withagrin，"howwrongyouare。YoulostyourheadtoKingJames。Hi!Shakespeare，here’samandoesn’tknowwhochoppedhisheadoff。"
　　Raleigh’sfaceflushedscarlet。"’Tisbettertohavehadaheadandlostit，"hecried，"thannevertohavehadaheadatall!Markyou，Dryden，myboy，itillbefitsyoutoscoffatmeformymisfortune，fordustthouart，andtodustthouhastreturned，ifwordfromt’othersideaboutthybooksandthatwhichinandonthemliesbetrue。"
　　"Whate’erbesaidaboutmybooks，"saidDryden，angrily，"betheyreadorbetheynot，’tisminetheyare，andnonetherebewhodaredisputetheirauthorship。"
　　"Thusprovingthatmen，thankHeaven，arestillsane，"ejaculatedDoctorJohnson。"ToassumetheauthorshipofDrydenwouldbenotsomuchaclaim，myfriend，asaconfession。"
　　"ShadesofthemightyChow!"criedConfucius。"An’willyehearthepoetssquabble!Egad!Aladies’daycouldhardlyintroduceintoourmidstamoredivertingdisputation。"
　　"We’reallgettingalittlehigh—flowninourphraseology，"putinShakespeareatthispoint。"Let’squittalkinginblank—verseandcomedowntobusiness。_I_thinkaladies’daywouldbegreatsport。
　　I’llwriteapoemtoreadontheoccasion。"
　　"ThenIopposeitwithallmyheart，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Whydoyoualwayswanttomakeourentertainmentscommonplace？Leaveoccasionalpoemstomortals。Ineverknewanoccasionalpoemyetthatwasworthyofanimmortal。"
　　"That’spreciselywhyIwanttowriteoneoccasionalpoem。I’dmakeitworthy，"Shakespeareanswered。"Likethis，forinstance：
　　Mostfair，mostsweet，mostbeauteousofladies，ThegreatestcharminallyerealmofHades。
　　Why，mydearDoctor，suchanopportunityforrhymingHadeswithladiesshouldnotbelost。"
　　"ThatjustproveswhatIsaid，"saidJohnson。"AnyidiotcanmakeladiesrhymewithHades。Itrequiresabsolutegeniustoavoidthetemptation。YouaregreatenoughtomakeHadesrhymewithbicycleifyouchoosetodoit——butno，yousuccumbtothetemptationtobecommonplace。Bah!Oneofthesemoderndrawing—roompoetswiththreesectionstohisnamecouldn’tdoworse。"
　　"Ongeneralprinciples，"saidRaleigh，"Johnsonisright。Weinvitethesepeopleheretoseeourclub—house，nottogivethemanexhibitionofourmetricalpowers，andIthinkallexercisesofaformalnatureshouldbefrownedupon。"
　　"Verywell，"saidShakespeare。"Goahead。Haveyourownwayaboutit。Getoutyourbrowandfrown。I’mperfectlywillingtosavemyselfthetroubleofwritingapoem。Writingrealpoetryisn’teasy，asyoufellowswouldhavediscoveredforyourselvesifyou’devertriedit。"
　　"Topassoverthearrogantassumptionofthegentlemanwhohasjustspoken，withthesilenceduetoaproperexpressionofourcontempttherefor，"saidDryden，slowly，"Ithinkincasewedohavealadies’
　　dayhereweshouldexerciseamostcarefulsupervisionovertheinvitationlist。Forinstance，wouldn’titbeawkwardforourgoodfriendHenrytheEighthtoencounterthevariousMrs。Henryshere？
　　Woulditnotlikewisebeawkwardforthemtomeeteachother？"
　　"Yourpointiswelltaken，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Idon’tknowwhethertheKing’smatrimonialventuresareonspeakingtermswitheachotherornot，butunderanycircumstancesitwouldhardlybeapleasingspectacleforKatharineofArragontoseeHenryrunninghislegsoffgettingcreamandcakesforAnneBoleyn；norwouldAnnelikeitmuchif，ontheotherhand，HenrychosetobehavelikeagentlemanandahusbandtoJaneSeymourorKatharineParr。Ithink，ifthemembersthemselvesaretosendouttheinvitations，theyshouldeachbelimitedtotwocards，withtheexpressunderstandingthatnomembershallbepermittedtoinvitemorethanonewife。"
　　"That’sgoingtobeawkward，"saidRaleigh，scratchinghisheadthoughtfully。"Henryissuchahot—headedfellowthathemightresentthestipulation。"
　　"Ithinkhewould，"saidConfucius。"Ithinkhe’dbeasmadasahatteratyourinsinuationthathewouldinviteanyofhiswives，ifallIhearofhimistrue；andwhatI’veheard，Wolseyhastoldme。"
　　"HeknewathingortwoaboutHenry，"saidShakespeare。"Ifyoudon’tbelieveit，justreadthatplayofminethatBeaumontandFletcher——er——ah——thoughtsomuchof。"
　　"Youcameneargivingyoursecretawaythattime，William，"saidJohnson，withaslysmile，andgivingtheAvonianadigbetweentheribs。
　　"Secret!Ihaven’tanysecret，"saidShakespeare，alittleacridly。
　　"It’sthetruthI’mtellingyou。BeaumontandFletcherDIDadmireHenrytheEighth。"
　　"Therebyshowingtheirconceit，eh？"saidJohnson。
　　"Oh，ofcourse，Ididn’twriteanything，didI？"criedShakespeare。
　　"Everybodywrotemyplaysbutme。I’mtheonlypersonthathadnohandinShakespeare。Itseemstomethatjokeisaboutwornout，Doctor。I’mgettingalittletiredofitmyself；butifitamusesyou，why，keepitup。_I_knowwhowrotemyplays，andwhateveryoumaysaycannotaffectthefacts。NextthingyoufellowswillbesayingthatIdidn’twritemyownautographs？"
　　"Ididn’tsaythat，"saidJohnson，quietly。"Onlythereisnointernalevidenceinyourautographsthatyouknewhowtospellyournameifyoudid。AmanwhosignshisnameShixpuronedayandShikespearethenextneedn’tcomplainiftheBankofPosterityrefusestohonorhischeck。"
　　"They’dhonormycheckquickenoughthesedays，"retortedShakespeare。"Whenaman’sautographbringsfivethousanddollars，oronethousandpounds，intheauction—room，thereisn’tabankintheworldfoolenoughtodeclinetohonoranycheckhe’llsignunderathousanddollars，ortwohundredpounds。"
　　"Ifancyyou’reright，"putinRaleigh。"Butyourchecksoryourplayshavenothingtodowithladies’day。Let’sgettosomeconclusioninthismatter。"
　　"Yes，"saidConfucius。"Let’s。Ladies’dayisbecomingadreadfulbore，andifwedon’thurryupthebilliard—roomwillbefull。"
　　"Well，Imovewegetupapetitiontothecounciltohaveit，"saidDryden。
　　"Iagree，"saidConfucius，"andI’llsignit。Ifthere’sonewaytoavoidhavingladies’dayinthefuture，it’stohaveonenowandbedonewithit。"
　　"Allright，"saidShakespeare。"I’llsigntoo。"
　　"As——er——ShixpurorShikespeare？"queriedJohnson。
　　"Lethimalone，"saidRaleigh。"He’sgettingsensitiveaboutthat；
　　andwhatyouneedtolearnmorethananythingelseisthatitisn’tmannerstotwitamanonfacts。What’sbotheringyou，Dryden？Youlooklikeamanwithanidea。"
　　"Ithasjustoccurredtome，"saidDryden，"thatwhilewecansafelyleavethequestionofHenrytheEighthandhiswivestothewisdomofthecouncil，weoughttopaysomeattentiontotheadvisabilityofinvitingLucretiaBorgia。I’dhatetoeatanysupperifshecamewithinamileofthebanqueting—hall。Ifshecomesyou’llhavetoappointatastingcommitteebeforeI’lltouchadropofpunchoreataspeckofsalad。"
　　"WemightrecommendtheappointmentofRaleightolookafterthefairLucretiaandseethatshehasnopoisonwithher，orifshehas，tokeepherfromdroppingitintothesalads，"saidConfucius，withasidelongglanceatRaleigh。"He’stheespecialchampionofwomaninthisclub，andnodoubtwouldbeproudofthedistinction。"
　　"Iwouldwithmostwomen，"saidRaleigh。"ButIdrawthelineatLucretiaBorgia。"
　　Andsoapetitionwasdrawnup，signed，andsenttothecouncil，andthey，aftermaturedeliberation，decidedtohavetheladies’day，towhichalltheladiesinHades，exceptingLucretiaBorgiaandDelilah，weretobedulyinvited，onlythedatewasnotspecified。DelilahwasexcludedattherequestofSamson，whoseconvincingmuscles，ratherthanhisarguments，completelywonoveralloppositiontohisproposition。
　　CHAPTERVIII：ADISCONTENTEDSHADE
　　"Itseemstome，"saidShakespeare，wearily，oneafternoonattheclub——"thatthisbusinessofbeingimmortalisprettydull。Didn’tsomebodyoncesayhe’dratherridefiftyyearsonatrolleyinEuropethanonabicycleinCathay？"
　　"Ineverheardanysuchremarkbyanyself—respectingperson，"saidJohnson。
　　"Isaidsomethinglikeit，"observedTennyson。
　　DoctorJohnsonlookedaroundtoseewhoitwasthatspoke。
　　"You？"hecried。"Andwho，pray，mayyoube？"
　　"MynameisTennyson，"repliedthepoet。
　　"Andaverygoodnameitis，"saidShakespeare。
　　"IamnotawarethatIeverheardthenamebefore，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Didyoumakeityourself？"
　　"Idid，"saidthelatelaureate，proudly。
　　"Inwhatpursuit？"askedDoctorJohnson。
　　"Poetry，"saidTennyson。"Iwrote’LocksleyHall’and’ComeintotheGarden，Maude。’"
　　"Humph!"saidDoctorJohnson。"Ineverread’em。"
　　"Well，whyshouldyouhavereadthem？"snarledCarlyle。"Theywerewrittenafteryoumovedoverhere，andtheyweregoodstuff。Youneedn’tthinkbecauseyouquit，thewholeworldputupitsshuttersandwentoutofbusiness。IdidafewthingsmyselfwhichIfancyyouneverheardof。"
　　"Oh，asforthat，"retortedDoctorJohnson，withasmile，"I’veheardofyou；youarethemanwhowrotethelifeofFredericktheGreatinninehundredandtwovolumes——"
　　"Seven!"snappedCarlyle。
　　"Well，seventhen，"returnedJohnson。"Ineversawthework，butI
　　heardFrederickspeakingofittheotherday。Bonaparteaskedhimifhehadreadit，andFredericksaidno，hehadn’ttime。Bonapartecried，’Haven’ttime？Why，mydearking，you’vegotalleternity。’
　　’Iknowit，’repliedFrederick，’butthatisn’tenough。Readapageortwo，mydearNapoleon，andyou’llseewhy。’"
　　"Frederickwillhavehisjoke，"saidShakespeare，withawinkatTennysonandasmileforthetwophilosophers，intended，nodoubt，toputtheminamoreagreeableframeofmind。"Why，heevenaskedmetheotherdaywhyIneverwroteatragedyabouthim，completelyignoringthefactthathecamealongmanyyearsafterIhaddeparted。
　　Ispokeofthat，andhesaid，’Oh，Iwasonlyjoking。’Iapologized。
　　’Ididn’tknowthat，’saidI。’Andwhyshouldyou？’saidhe。
　　’You’reEnglish。’"
　　"Averyruderemark，"saidJohnson。"AsifweEnglishwereincapableofseeingajoke!"
　　"Exactly，"putinCarlyle。"ItstrikesmeastheabsurdestnotionthattheEnglishmancan’tseeajoke。TothemindthatisaccustomedtosnapjudgmentsIhavenodoubttheEnglishmanappearstobedullofapprehension，butthephilosophyofthewholematterisapparenttothemindthattakesthetroubletoinvestigate。TheBritonweighseverythingcarefullybeforehecommitshimself，andeventhoughacertainpointmaystrikehimasfunny，heisn’tgoingtolaughuntilhehasfullymadeuphismindthatitisfunny。IrememberonceridingdownPiccadillywithFroudeinahansomcab。FroudehadacopyofPunchinhishand，andhebegantolaughimmoderatelyoversomething。Ileanedoverhisshouldertoseewhathewaslaughingat。’Thatisn’tsofunny，’saidI，asIreadtheparagraphonwhichhiseyewasresting。’No，’saidFroude。’Iwasn’tlaughingatthat。
　　Iwasenjoyingthejokethatappearedinthesamerelativepositioninlastweek’sissue。’Nowthat’sthepoint——thewholepoint。TheEnglishmanalwayslaughsoverlastweek’sPunch，notthisweek’s，andthatiswhyyouwillfindafileofthatinterestingjournalinthehomeofallwell—to—doBritons。Itisthebacknumberthatamuseshim——whichmerelyprovesthatheisadeliberativepersonwhoweighsevenhishumorcarefullybeforegivingwaytohisemotions。"
　　"WhatistheaverageweightofacopyofPunch？"drawledArtemasWard，whohadstrolledinduringthelatterpartoftheconversation。
　　Shakespearesnickeredquietly，butCarlyleandJohnsonlookedupontheintruderseverely。
　　"Wewilltakethatquestionintoconsideration，"saidCarlyle。
　　"Perhapsto—morrowweshallhaveadefiniteanswerreadyforyou。"
　　"Nevermind，"returnedthehumorist。"You’veprovedyourpoint。
　　Tennysontellsmeyoufindlifeheredull，Shakespeare。"
　　"Somewhat，"saidShakespeare。"Idon’tknowabouttherestofyoufellows，butIwasnotcutoutforaneternityofease。Imusthaveoccupation，andthestageisn’tpopularhere。Thetroubleaboutputtingonaplayhereisthatourmanagersareafraidoflibelsuits。ThechancesarethatifIshouldwriteaplaywithCassiusasthehero，Cassiuswouldgotothefirstnight’sperformancewithadaggerconcealedinhistoga，withwhichtopunctuatehisobjectionstothelinesputinhismouth。ThereisnothingI’dlikebetterthantomanageatheatreinthisplace，butthinkoftheriotswe’dhave!
　　Suppose，foraninstant，thatIwroteaplayaboutBonaparte!He’dhaveabox，andwhentherestofyouspookscalledfortheauthorattheendofthethirdact，ifhedidn’thappentoliketheplayhe’dgreetmewithasalvoofartilleryinsteadofapplause。"
　　"Hewouldn’tifyoumadehimoutagreatconquerorfromstarttofinish，"saidTennyson。
　　"Nodoubt，"returnedShakespeare，sadly；"butinthateventWellingtonwouldbeintheotherstage—box，andI’dgetthegreetingfromhim。"
　　"Whycomeoutatall？"askedJohnson。
　　"Whycomeoutatall？"echoedShakespeare。"Whatfunisthereinwritingaplayifyoucan’tcomeoutandshowyourselfatthefirstnight？That’stheauthor’sreward。Ifitwasn’tforthefirst—nightbusiness，though，allwouldbeplainsailing。"
　　"Thenwhydon’tyoubeginitthesecondnight？"drawledWard。
　　"Howthedeucecouldyou？"putinCarlyle。
　　"Amostextraordinaryproposition，"sneeredJohnson。
　　"Yes，"saidWard；"butwaitaweek——you’llseethepointthen。"
　　"Thereisn’tanydoubtinmymind，"saidShakespeare，revertingtohisoriginalproposition，"thattheonlyperfectlysatisfactorylifeisunderasystemnotyetadoptedineitherworld——theonewehavequittedorthis。Therewehadhardworkinwhichourmortallimitationshamperedusgrievously；herewehavethefreedomoftheimmortalwithnohardwork；inotherwords，nowthatwefeellikefighting—cocks，thereisn’tanyfightingtobedone。Thegreatlifeinmyestimation，wouldbetoreturntoearthandbattlewithmortalproblems，butequippedmentallyandphysicallywithimmortalweapons。"
　　"Somepeopledon’tknowwhentheyarewelloff，"saidBeauBrummel。
　　"Thisstrikesmeasbeinganideallife。Therearenotailorsbillstopay——weareourselvesnothingbutmemories，andamemorycanclothehimselfintheshadowofhisformergrandeur——Iclothemyselfintheremembranceofmydepartedclothes，andasmymemoryisgoodI
　　flattermyselfI’mthebest—dressedmanhere。Thefactthatthereareghostsofdepartedunpaidbillshauntingmybedsideatnightdoesn’tbothermeintheleast，becausethebailiffsthatintheoldlifelentterrortoanoverdueaccount，thankstoourbeneficentsystemhere，arekeptinthelessagreeablesectionsofHades。I
　　usedtoregretthatbailiffsweresuchlowpeople，butnowIrejoiceatit。Iftheyhadbeenofadifferentordertheymighthaveprovenunpleasanthere。"
　　"Youareright，mydearBrummel，"interposedMunchausen。"Thislifeisfarpreferabletothatintheothersphere。Anyofyougentlemenwhohappentohavehadthepleasureofreadingmymemoirsmusthavebeenstruckwiththetremendousdifficultiesthatencumberedmyprogress。IfIwishedforarareliqueurformyluncheon，aliqueurservedonlyatthetableofanOrientalpotentate，morejealousofitthanofhisonethousandqueens，Ihadtoraisearmies，charterships，andwagewarfareinwhichfeatsofincrediblevalorhadtobeperformedbymyselfaloneandunaidedtosecurethedesiredthimbleful。Ihavedestroyedempiresforabon—bonatgreatexpenseofnervousenergy。"
　　"That’sverylikelytrue，"saidCarlyle。"Ishouldthinkyourfeatsofstrengthwouldhavewreckedyourimaginationintime。"
　　"Notso，"saidMunchausen。"Onthecontrary，continuousexerciseservedonlytomakeitstronger。But，asIwasgoingtosay，inthislifewehavenoneofthesefearfulobstacles——itisalifeofleisure；andifIwantabirdandacoldbottleatanytime，insteadofplacingmylifeinperilandjeopardizingthepeaceofallmankindtogetit，Ihaveonlytosummonbeforemethememoryofsomepreviousbirdandcoldbottle，dinethereonlikeawell—orderedcitizen，andsmokethespiritofthebestcigarmyimaginationcanconjureup。"
　　"Youmissmypoint，"saidShakespeare。"Idon’tsaythislifeisworseorbetterthantheotherweusedtolive。WhatIdosayisthatacombinationofbothwouldsuitme。Inshort，I’dliketolivehereandgototheotherworldeverydaytobusiness，likeasuburbanresidentwhosleepsinthecountryandmakeshislivinginthecity。