Forinstance，whyshouldn’tIdwellhereandgotoLondoneveryday，hireanofficethere，andputoutasignsomethinglikethis：
　　WILLIAMSHAKESPEARE
　　DRAMATIST
　　PlayswrittenwhileyouwaitIguessI’dfindplentytodo。"
　　"Guessagain，"saidTennyson。"Mydearboy，youforgetonething。
　　YOUAREOUTOFDATE。Peopledon’tgotothetheatrestohearYOU，theygotoseethepeoplewhoDOyou。"
　　"Thatistrue，"saidWard。"Andtheydodoyou，mybelovedWilliam。
　　It’sawondertomeyouarenotdizzyturningoverinyourgravethewaytheydoyou。"
　　"CanitbethatIcaneverbeoutofdate？"askedShakespeare。"I
　　know，ofcourse，thatIhavetobeadaptedattimes；buttobewhollyoutofdatestrikesmeasahardfate。"
　　"You’renotoutofdate，"interposedCarlyle；"thedateisoutofyou。ThereisagreatdemandforShakespeareinthesedays，butthereisn’tanystuff。"
　　"ThenIshouldsucceed，"saidShakespeare。
　　"No，Idon’tthinkso，"returnedCarlyle。"Youcouldn’tstandthepace。Theworldrevolvesfasterto—daythanitdidinyourtime——menwritethreeorfourplaysatonce。ThisiswhatyoumightcallaType—writerAge，andtokeepupwiththeprocessionyou’dhavetoworkasyouneverworkedbefore。"
　　"Thatistrue，"observedTennyson。"You’dhavetolearntobeambidextrous，sothatyoucouldkeeptwotype—writingmachinesgoingatonce；and，tobeperfectlyfrankwithyou，Icannotevenconjureupinmyfancyapictureofyouknockingoutatragedywiththerighthandononemachine，whileyourlefthandisfashioningafarce—
　　comedyonanother。"
　　"Hemightdoasagreatmanymodernwritersdo，"saidWard；"goinforthePaper—dollDrama。Cutthewholethingoutwithapairofscissors。Asthepoetmighthavesaidifhe’dbeencleverenough：
　　Oh，bringmethescissors，Andbringmetheglue，Andacoupleofdozenoldplays。
　　I’llcutoutandpasteAdramaforyouThat’llrunforquitesixty—twodays。
　　Oh，bringmeadressMadeofsatinandlace，Andabook——sayJoeMiller’s——ofwit；
　　AndI’llmaketheolddramatistsBlueinthefaceWiththeplaythatI’llturnoutforit。
　　Sobringmethescissors，Andbringmethepaste，Andadozenfineoldcomedies；
　　Afinelineofdresses，AndpopulartasteI’llmakeastrongefforttoplease。
　　"Youdrawaverybluepicture，itseemstome，"saidShakespeare，sadly。
　　"Well，it’strue，"saidCarlyle。"Theworldisn’tatallwhatitusedtobeinanyonerespect，andyoufellowswhomadegreatreputationscenturiesagowouldn’thaveeventheghostofashownow。
　　Idon’tbelieveHomercouldgetapoemacceptedbyamodernmagazine，andwhilethecomicpapersarestillprintingDiogenes’jokestheoldgentlemancouldn’tmakeenoughoutoftheminthesedaystopaytaxesonhistub，letaloneearninghisbread。"
　　"Thatisexactlyso，"saidTennyson。"I’dbewillingtowagertoothat，inthelineofpersonalprowess，evenD’ArtagnanandAthosandPorthosandAramiscouldn’tstandLondonforoneday。"
　　"OrNewYorkeither，"saidMr。Barnum，whohadbeenaninterestedlistener。"ANewYorkpolicemancouldhavemanagedthatquartetwithonehand。"
　　"Then，"saidShakespeare，"intheopinionofyougentlemen，weold—
　　timelionswouldappeartomoderneyestobemoreorlessstuffed？"
　　"That’saboutthesizeofit，"saidCarlyle。
　　"Butyou’ddraw，"saidBarnum，hisfacelightingupwithpleasure。
　　"You’ddriveafive—leggedcalftosuicidefromenvy。IfIcouldtakeyouandCaesar，andNapoleonBonaparteandNerooverforonecircusseasonwe’ddrivethemintoutofbusiness。"
　　"There’syourchance，William，"saidWard。"YouwriteaplayforBonaparteandCaesar，andletNerotakehisfiddleandbetheorchestra。UnderBarnum’smanagementyou’dgetenoughactivityinoneseasontolastyouthroughalleternity。"
　　"Youcancountonme，"saidBarnum，rising。"Letmeknowwhenyou’vegotyourplanlaidout。I’dstayandmakeacontractwithyounow，butAdamhaspromisedtogivemepointsonthemanagementofwildanimalswithoutcages，soIcan’twait。By—by。"
　　"Humph!"saidShakespeare，astheeminentshowmanpassedout。
　　"That’sagayproposition。WhenmonkeysmoveinpolitesocietyWilliamShakespearewillmakeaside—showofhimselfforacircus。"
　　"Theydonow，"saidThackeray，quietly。
　　WhichmerelyprovedthatShakespearedidnotmeanwhathesaid；forinspiteofThackeray’sinsinuationastothemonkeysandpolitesociety，hehasnotyetacceptedtheBarnumproposition，thoughtherecanbenodoubtofitsvaluefromthepointofviewofacircusmanager。
　　CHAPTERIX：ASTOCOOKERYANDSCULPTURE
　　RobertBurnsandHomerwereseatedatasmalltableinthedining—
　　roomofthehouse—boat，discussingeverythingingeneralandtheshadeofaveryexcellentluncheoninparticular。
　　"Weareingreatluckto—day，"saidBurns，ashecutaruddyduckintwain。"Thisbirdisdonejustright。"
　　"Iagreewithyou，"returnedHomer，drawinghischairatrifleclosertothetable。"ComparedtotheonewehadherelastThursday，thisisafeastforthegods。Iwonderwhoitwasthatcookedthisfowloriginally？"
　　"Igiveitup；butIsuspectitwasdonebysomemanwhoknewhisbusiness，"saidBurns，withasmackofhislips。"It’sapity，I
　　think，mydearHomer，thatthereisnomeansbywhichacookmaybecomeimmortal。Cookingisasmuchofanartasisthewritingofpoetry，andjustasthereareimmortalpoetssothereshouldbeimmortalcooks。Seewhatanadvantagethepoethas——hewritessomething，itgoesoutandreachestheinmostsoulofthemanwhoreadsit，anditissigned。Hisworkisknownbecauseheputshisnametoit；butthispoordevilofacook——whereishe？Hehasdonehisworkaswellasthepoeteverdidhis，ithasreachedtheinmostsoulofthemortalwhooriginallyateit，buthecannotgetthegloryofitbecausehecannotputhisnametoit。Ifthecookcouldsignhisworkitwouldbedifferent。"
　　"Youhavehituponagreattruth，"saidHomer，nodding，ashesometimeswaswonttodo。"AndyetIfearthat，ingeniousasweare，wecannotdeviseaplantoremedythematter。Idonotknowaboutyou，butIshouldmyselfmuchobjectifmybirdsandmyflapjacks，andotherthings，digestibleandotherwise，thatIeatherewereservedwiththecook’snamewrittenuponthem。Anomeletteissometimesapicture——"
　　"I’veseenomelettesthatlookedlikeoneofTurner’ssunsets，"
　　acquiescedBurns。
　　"Precisely；andwhenTurnerputsdowninonecornerofhiscanvas，’Turner，fecit，’youdonotobject，butifthecookdidthatwiththeomeletteyouwouldn’tlikeit。"
　　"No，"saidBurns；"buthemightfastenatagtoit，withhisnamewrittenuponthat。"
　　"Thatisso，"saidHomer；"buttheresultintheendwouldbethesame。Thetagswouldgetlost，orperhapsacarelesswaiter，droppingatrayfullofdainties，wouldgetthetagsofagoodandbadcookmixedintryingtorestorethecontentsofthetraytotheirpreviouscondition。Thetagsystemwouldfail。"
　　"ThereisbutoneotherwaythatIcanthinkof，"saidBurns，"andthatwoulddonogoodnowunlesswecanconveyourideasintotheotherworld；thatis，foragreatpoettolendhisgeniustothegreatcook，andmakethelatter’snameimmortalbyputtingitintoapoem。Say，forinstance，thatyouhadeatenafinebitofterrapin，donetothemostexquisitepoint——youcouldhaveaskedthecook’sname，andwrittenanapostrophetoher。Somethinglikethis，forinstance：
　　Oh，DinahRudd!oh，DinahRudd!
　　Thouartacookofbluestblood!
　　NowherewithinThisworldofsinHaveIe’ertastedbetterterrapin。
　　Doyousee？"
　　"Ido；buteventhen，mydearfellow，thecookwouldfallshortoftruefame。Herexcellencewouldbeamerematterofhearsayevidence，"saidHomer。
　　"Notifyouwentontodescribe，inakeenlyanalyticalmanner，thevirtuesofthatparticularbitofterrapin，"saidBurns。"Drawsovividapictureofthedishthatthereaderhimselfwouldtastethatterrapinevenasyoutastedit。"
　　"Youhavehitit!"criedHomer，enthusiastically。"Itisagrandplan；buthowtointroduceit——thatisthequestion。"
　　"Wecanhauntsomemodernpoet，andgivehimtheideainthatway，"
　　suggestedBurns。"Hewillseethenoveltyofit，andwillpossiblydisseminatetheideaaswewishittobedisseminated。"
　　"Done!"saidHomer。"I’llbeginrightaway。Ifeellikehauntingto—night。I’mgettingtobeaprettyoldghost，butI’llneverlosemyloveofhaunting。"
　　Atthispoint，asHomerspoke，afine—lookingspiritenteredtheroom，andtookaseatattheheadofthelongtableatwhichtheregularclubdinnerwasnightlyserved。
　　"Why，blessme!"saidHomer，hisfacelightingupwithpleasure。
　　"Why，Phidias，isthatyou？"
　　"Ithinkso，"saidthenew—comer，wearily；"atanyrate，it’sallthat’sleftofme。"
　　"Comeoverhereandlunchwithus，"saidHomer。"YouknowBurns，don’tyou？"
　　"Haven’tthepleasure，"saidPhidias。
　　Thepoetandthesculptorwereintroduced，afterwhichPhidiasseatedhimselfatHomer’sside。
　　"AreyouanyrelationtoBurnsthepoet？"theformerasked，addressingtheScotchman。
　　"IAMBurnsthepoet，"repliedtheother。
　　"Youdon’tlookmuchlikeyourstatues，"saidPhidias，scanninghisfacecritically。
　　"No，thanktheFates!"saidBurns，warmly。"IfIdid，I’dcommitsuicide。"
　　"Whydon’tyousuethesculptorsforlibel？"askedPhidias。
　　"Youspeakwithagreatdealoffeeling，Phidias，"saidHomer，gravely。"Havetheydoneanythingtohurtyou？"
　　"Theyhave，"saidPhidias。"Ihavejustreturnedfromatouroftheworld。Ihaveseenthethingstheycallsculptureinthesedegeneratedays，andImustconfess——whoshouldn’t，perhaps——thatI
　　couldhavedonebetterworkwithabaseball—batforachiselandputtyfortherawmaterial。"
　　"IthinkIcoulddogoodworkwithabaseball—battoo，"saidBurns；
　　"butasfortherawmaterial，givemetheheadsofthemenwhohavesculpedmetoworkon。I’dleavethemsothatthey’dlooklikesomeofyourParthenonfriezefigureswiththenosesgone。"
　　"Youareavindictivecreature，"saidHomer。"Thesemenyoucriticise，andwhoseheadsyouwishtosculpwithabaseball—bat，havedonemoreforyouthanyoueverdidforthem。Everystatueofyouthesemenhavemadeisastandingadvertisementofyourbooks，andithasn’tcostyouapenny。Thereisn’tadoubtinmymindthatifitwerenotforthosestatuescountlesspeoplewouldgototheirgravessupposingthatthegreatScottishBurnswerelittlerivulets，andnotapoet。Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyouiftheyhaven’tmadeanAdonisofyou？Youneversetthemanexamplebymakingoneofyourself。Ifthere’sdeceptionanywhere，itisn’tyouthatisdeceived；itisthemortals。Andwhocaresaboutthemortheiropinions？"
　　"Ineverthoughtofitinthatway，"saidBurns。"Ihatecaricatures——thatis，caricaturesofmyself。Ienjoycaricaturesofotherpeople，but——"
　　"Youhaveagreatdealofthemortalleftinyou，consideringthatyouposeasanimmortal，"saidHomer，interruptingthespeaker。
　　"Well，sohaveI，"saidPhidias，resolvedtostandbyBurnsintheargument，"andI’msorryforthemanwhohasn’t。Iwasamortalonce，andI’mgladofit。Ihadagoodtime，andIdon’tcarewhoknowsit。WhenIlookaboutmeandseeJupiter，thearch—snobofcreation，andMars，alittletinwarriorwhocouldn’thavefoughtasoldierlikeNapoleon，withallhisallegeddivinity，IthanktheFatesthattheyenabledmetoachieveimmortalitythroughmortaleffort。Hanghereditarygreatness，Isay。Thesemenwerebornimmortals。YouandIworkedforitandgotit。Weknowwhatitcost。Itwasoursbecauseweearnedit，andnotbecausewewereborntoit。Eh，Burns？"
　　TheScotchmannoddedassent，andtheGreeksculptorwenton。
　　"Iamnotvindictivemyself，Homer，"hesaid。"Nobodyhashurtme，and，onthewhole，Idon’tthinksculptureisinsuchabadway，afterall。There’sashoemakerIwotofinthemortalrealmswhocanturntheprettiestlastyoueversaw；andIencounteredacarverinaLondoneating—houselastmonthwhoturnedoutasliceofbeefthatwascutasartisticallyasIcouldhavedoneitmyself。WhatI
　　objecttochieflyisthetendencyofthetimes。Thisisanelectricalage，andmeninmyoldprofessionaren’tcontenttoturnoutonechef—d’oeuvreinalifetime。Theytakeordersbythegross。
　　Iwaiteduponinspiration。To—daythesculptorwaitsuponcustom，andanartistwillmakeabustofanybodyinanymaterialdesiredaslongasheissureofgettinghispayafterwards。Isawalife—sizestatueoftheinventorofanewkindoflardtheotherday，andwhatdoyousupposethematerialwas？Gold？Notbyagreatdeal。Ivory？
　　Marble，even？Notabitofit。Hewasdoneinlard，sir。Ihaveseenawoman’sheaddoneinbutter，too，anditmakesmedistinctlywearytothinkthatmyartshouldbebroughtsolow。"
　　"YoudidyourbestworkinGreece，"chuckledHomer。
　　"Abadjoke，mydearHomer，"retortedPhidias。"IthoughtsculpturewasgettingdowntoaprettylowebbwhenIhadtofashionfriezesoutofmarble；butmarbleismorepreciousthanrubiesalongsideofbutterandlard。"
　　"Eachhasitsuses，"saidHomer。"I’dratherhavebutteronmybreadthanmarble，butImustconfessthatforsculptureitisverypoorstuff，asyousay。"
　　"Itisindeed，"saidPhidias。"Forpracticeit’sallrighttousebutter，butforexhibitionpurposes——bah!"
　　HerePhidias，toshowhiscontemptforbutterasrawmaterialinsculpture，seizedawoodentoothpick，andwithitmodelledabeautifulheadofMinervaoutofthepatthatstooduponthesmallplateathisside，andbeforeBurnscouldinterferehadspreadthechastefigureasthinlyashecoulduponapieceofbread，whichhetossedtotheshadeofahungrydogthatstoodyelpingontheriver—
　　bank。
　　"Heavens!"criedBurns。"ImperiousCaesardeadandturnedtobricksisasnothingtoaMinervacarvedbyPhidiasusedtostaythehungerofaraveningcur。"
　　"Well，it’sthewayIfeel，"saidPhidias，savagely。
　　"Ithinkyouareatriflefoolishtobesoeternallyvexedaboutit，"
　　saidHomer，soothingly。"Ofcourseyoufeelbadly，but，afterall，what’stheuse？Youmustknowthatthemortalswouldpaymoreforoneofyourstatuesthantheywouldforaspecimenofanymodernsculptor’sart；yes，evenifyoursweremodelledinwine—jellyandtheotherfellow’sinpuregold。Sowhyrepine？"
　　"You’dfeelthesamewayifpoetsdidasimilarlyvulgarthing，"
　　retortedPhidias；"youknowyouwould。Ifyoushouldhearofapoetto—daywritingapoemonathinlayeroflardorbutter，youwouldyourselfbethefirsttocallahalt。"
　　"No，Ishouldn’t，"saidHomer，quietly；"infact，Iwishthepoetswoulddothat。We’dhavefewerbadpoemstoread；andthat’sthewayyoushouldlookatit。Iventuretosaythatifthismodernplanofmakingbustsandfriezesinbutterhadbeenadoptedatanearlierperiod，thepublicplacesinourgreatcitiesandournationalWalhallaswouldseemlesslikerepositoriesofcomicart，sincethefirstcriticalraysofawarmsunwouldhavereducedthecarvenatrocitiesthereintoaspotonthepavement。Thebutterschoolofsculpturehasitsadvantages，myboy，andyoushouldbecrowningtheinventorofthesystemwithlaurel，andnotheapingcoalsoffireuponhisbrow。"
　　"That，"saidBurns，"is，afterall，thesolidtruth，Phidias。Takethebrasscaricaturesofme，forinstance。Wherewouldtheybenowiftheyhadbeencastinlardinsteadofinbronze？"
　　Phidiaswassilentamoment。
　　"Well，"hesaid，finally，asthevalueoftheplandawneduponhismind，"fromthatpointofviewIdon’tknowbutwhatyouareright，afterall；and，toshowthatIhavespokeninnovindictivespirit，letmeproposeatoast。Here’stotheButterSculptors。Maytheirbutternevergiveout。"
　　Thetoastwasdrainedtothedregs，andPhidiaswenthomefeelingalittlebetter。
　　CHAPTERX：STORY—TELLERS’NIGHT
　　ItwasStory—tellers’Nightatthehouseboat，andthebesttalkersofHadeswereimpressedintotheservice。DoctorJohnsonwasmadechairmanoftheevening。
　　"Puthiminthechair，"saidRaleigh。"That’stheonlywaytokeephimfromtellingastoryhimself。Ifhestartsinonatalehe’llmakeitaserialsureasfate，butifyoumakehimthemediumthroughwhichotherstory—tellersareintroducedtotheclubhe’llbefinelyepigrammatic。Hecanbeveryshortandsharpwhenhe’stalkingaboutsomebodyelse。Personalityishisforte。"
　　"Greatscheme，"saidDiogenes，whowaschairmanoftheentertainmentcommittee。"Thenightsoverherearelong，butifJohnsonstartedonastorythey’dhavetoreachtwicearoundeternityandhalfwaybacktogivehimtimetofinishallhehadtosay。"
　　"He’snotverywitty，inmyjudgment，"saidCarlyle，whosincehisarrivalintheotherworldhasmanifestedsomejealousyofSolomonandDoctorJohnson。
　　"That’strueenough，"saidRaleigh；"buthe’sstrong，andhe’sboundtosaysomethingthatwillputtheaudienceinsympathywiththemanthatheintroduces，andthat’shalfthesuccessofaStory—tellers’
　　Night。I’vetoldstoriesmyself。Ifyouraudiencedoesn’tsympathizewithyouyou’dbebetteroffathomeputtingthebabytobed。"
　　Andsoithappened。DoctorJohnsonwasmadechairman，andtheeveningcame。TheDoctorwasingreatform。Alistofthestory—
　　tellershadbeensenthiminadvance，andhewasprepared。TheaudiencewasaboutasselectaoneascanbefoundinHades。Thedoorswerethrownopentothefriendsofthemembers，andthesmoke—
　　furnacehadbeenfilledwithaverysuperiorqualityofArcadianmixturewhichScotthadbroughtbackfromahaunting—triptothehomeof"TheLittleMinister，"atThrums。
　　"Friendsandfellow—spooks，"theDoctorbegan，whenallwereseatedonthevisionarycamp—stools——which，bytheway，arefarsuperiortothoseinuseinaworldofrealities，becausetheydonotcreakinthemidstofafinepointdemandingabsolutesilenceforappreciation——"IdonotknowwhyIhavebeenchosentopresideoverthisgatheringofphantoms；itistheprovinceofthepresidingofficeronoccasionsofthissorttosaypleasantthings，whichhedoesnotnecessarilyendorse，aboutthesundrypersonswhoaretodothestory—telling。Now，Isupposeyouallknowmeprettywellbythistime。Ifthereisanybodywhodoesn’t，I’llbegladtohavehimpresentedaftertheformalworkoftheeveningisover，andifI
　　don’tlikehimI’lltellhimso。YouknowthatifIcanbecounteduponforanyonethingitiscandor，andifIhurtthefeelingsofanyoftheseindividualswhomIintroduceto—night，IwantthemdistinctlytounderstandthatitisnotbecauseIlovethemless，butthatIlovetruthmore。Withthis——ah——blanketapology，asitwere，tocoverallpossibleemergenciesthatmayariseduringtheevening，Iwillbegin。Thefirstspeakerontheprogramme，Iregrettoobserve，ismyfriendGoldsmith。Affairsofthiskindoughttobeginwithasnap，andwhileOliverisamostexcellentwriter，asaspeakerheisapebblelessDemosthenes。IfIhadhadthearrangementoftheprogrammeIshouldhavehadGoldsmithtellhisstorywhiletherestofusweredown—stairsatsupper。However，wemustabidebyourprogramme，whichisunconscionablylong，forotherwisewewillnevergetthroughit。ThoseofyouwhoagreewithmeastothepleasureoflisteningtomyfriendGoldsmithwilldowelltojoinmeinthegrill—roomwhileheisspeaking，where，Iunderstand，thereisaveryfinelineofpunchesreadytobeserved。ModestNoll，willyoukindlyinflictyourselfuponthegathering，andsendmewordwhenyougetthrough，ifyoueverdo，sothatImayreturnandpresentnumbertwototheassembly，whoeverorwhateverhemaybe？"
　　WiththesewordstheDoctorretired，andpoorGoldsmith，palewithfear，roseuptospeak。ItwasevidentthathewasquiteasdoubtfulofhisabilityasatalkeraswasJohnson。
　　"I’mnotmuchofatalker，or，assomesay，speaker，"hesaid。
　　"Talkingisnotmyforte，asDoctorJohnsonhastoldyou，andIamthereforenotmuchatit。Speakingisnotinmyline。Icannotspeakortalk，asitwere，becauseIamnotparticularlyreadyatthemakingofaspeech，duepartlytothefactthatIamnotmuchofatalkeranyhow，andseldomifeverspeak。Iwillthereforenotboreyoubyattemptingtospeak，sinceaspeechbyonewholikemyselfis，asyouarepossiblyaware，notafluentnorindeedinanysenseaneloquentspeaker，isapttobeaboretothosewhowillbekindenoughtolistentomyremarks，butwillreadinsteadthefirstfivechaptersoftheVicarofWakefield。"
　　"Whosuggestedanysuchnightasthis，anyhow？"growledCarlyle。
　　"FivechaptersoftheVicarofWakefieldforastarter!Lordsaveus，we’llneedaVicarofSleepfieldifhe’sallowedtodothis!"
　　"Imoveweadjourn，"saidDarwin。
　　"Can’tsomethingbedonetokeeptheseyoungermembersquiet？"askedSolomon，frowninguponCarlyleandDarwin。
　　"Yes，"saidDouglasJerrold。"LetGoldsmithgoon。He’llhavethemasleepintenminutes。"
　　Meanwhile，Goldsmithwasploddingearnestlythroughhisstint，utterlyandhappilyobliviousoftheeffecthewashavinguponhisaudience。
　　"Thisisawful，"whisperedWellingtontoBonaparte。
　　"WorsethanWaterloo，"repliedtheex—Emperor，withagrin；"butwecanstopitinaminute。ArtemasWardtoldmeoncehowacamp—
　　meetingheattendedintheWestbrokeuptogooutsideandseeadog—
　　fight。Can’tyouandIpretendtoquarrel？ApersonalassaultbyyouonmewillwakethesepeopleupanddiscombobulateGoldsmith。
　　Saytheword——onlydon’thittoohard。"
　　"I’mwithyou，"saidWellington。Whereupon，withagreatshowofheat，heroaredout，"You？Never!I’mmoreafraidofaboywithabean—snapperthatIeverwasofyou!"andfolloweduphisremarkbypullingBonaparte’scamp—chairfromunderhim，andlettingtheconquerorofAusterlitzfalltothefloorwithathudwhichIhavesincehearddescribedasdullandsickening。
　　Theeffectwasinstantaneous。ComparedtoapersonalencounterbetweenthetwogreatfiguresofWaterloo，areadingfromhisownworksbyGoldsmithseemedlackingintheelementsessentialtotheholdingofanaudience。Consequently，attentionwascentredinthebelligerentwarriors，and，bysomeoddmistake，whenapeace—lovingmemberoftheassemblage，realizingtheindecorousnessoftheincident，criedout，"Puthimout!puthimout!"theattendantsrushedin，and，takingpoorGoldsmithbyhiscollar，hustledhimoutthroughthedoor，acrossthedeck，andtossedhimashorewithoutreferencetothegang—plank。Thisaccomplished，apersonalexplanationoftheircoursewasmadebythequarrellinggenerals，and，peacehavingbeenrestored，acommitteewassentinsearchofGoldsmithwithsuitableapologies。Thegoodandkindlysoulreturned，buthavinglosthisbookinthemelee，muchtohisowngratification，aswellastothatoftheaudience，hewaspermittedtorestinquietthebalanceoftheevening。
　　"Ishethrough？"saidJohnson，pokinghisheadinatthedoorwhenorderwasrestored。
　　"Yes，sir，"saidBoswell；"thatistosay，hehasretiredpermanentlyfromthefield。Hedidn’tfinish，though。"
　　"Fellow—spooks，"beganJohnsononcemore，"nowthatyouhavebeendelightedwiththehoneyedeloquenceofthelastspeaker，itismyprivilegetopresenttoyouthateminentfabulistBaronMunchausen，thegreatestunrealistofalltime，whowillgiveyouanexhibitionofhisparadoxicalpoweroflyingwhilestanding。"
　　TheapplausewhichgreetedtheBaronwasdeafening。Hewas，beyondalldoubt，oneofthemostpopularmembersoftheclub。
　　"Speakingofwhales，"saidhe，leaninggracefullyagainstthetable。
　　"Nobodyhasmentioned’em，"saidJohnson。
　　"True，"retortedtheBaron；"butyoualwayssuggestthembyyourapparentlyunquenchablethirstforspouting——speakingofwhales，myfriendJonah，aswellastherestofyou，maybeinterestedtoknowthatIoncehadanexperiencesimilartohisown，and，strangetosay，withtheidenticalwhale。"
　　Jonaharosefromhisseatinthebackoftheroom。"Idonotwishtobeunpleasant，"hesaid，withastrongefforttobecalm，"butIwishtoaskifJudgeBlackstoneisintheroom。"
　　"Iam，"saidtheJudge，rising。"WhatcanIdoforyou？"
　　"IdesiretoapplyforaninjunctionrestrainingtheBaronfromusingmywhaleinhisstory。Thatwhale，yourhonor，iscopyrighted，"saidJonah。"IfIhadanyotherclaimtotheaffectionofmankindthantheonewhichisbasedonmyexperiencewiththatleviathan，IwouldwillinglypermittheBarontointroducehimintohisstory；butthatwhale，yourhonor，ismystockintrade——heismyall。"
　　"IthinkJonah’spointiswelltaken，"saidBlackstone，turningtotheBaron。"Itwouldbeadistincthardship，Ithink，iftheplaintiffinthisactionweretobedeprivedoftheexclusiveuseofhissoleaccessory。Theinjunctionprayedforisthereforegranted。
　　Thecourtwouldsuggest，however，thattheBaroncontinuewithhisstory，usinganotherwhaleforthepurpose。"
　　"Itisimpossible，"saidMunchausen，gloomily。"ThewholepointofthestorydependsuponitshavingbeenJonah’swhale。Underthecircumstances，theonlythingIcandoistositdown。IregretthenarrownessofmindexhibitedbymyfriendJonah，butImustrespectthedecisionofthecourt。"
　　"ImusttakeexceptiontotheBaron’sallusiontomynarrownessofmind，"saidJonah，withsomeshowofheat。"Iamsimplydefendingmyrights，andIintendtocontinuetodosoifthewholeworldunitesinconsideringmymindamereslotscarcelywideenoughfortheinsertionofanickel。Thatwhalewasmydiscovery，andthepersonaldiscomfortIenduredinperfectingmyexperiencewassuchthatI
　　resolvedtorestmyreputationuponhisbroadproportionsonly——tosinkorswimwithhim——andIcannotatthislatedaypermitanothertocrowdmeoutofhisexclusiveuse。"
　　Jonahsatdownandfannedhimself，andtheBaron，withalookofdisgustonhisface，lefttheroom。
　　"Uptohisoldtricks，"hegrowledashewent。"Hequeerseverythinghegoesinto。IfI’dknownhewasamemberofthisclubI’dneverhavejoined。"
　　"Wedonotappeartobeprogressingveryrapidly，"saidDoctorJohnson，rising。"Sofarwehavemadetwoeffortstohavestoriestold，andhavemetwithdisastereachtime。Idon’tknowbutwhatyouaretobecongratulated，however，onyourescape。Veryfewofyou，Iobserve，haveasyetfallenasleep。Thenextnumberontheprogramme，Isee，isBoswell，whowastohaveentertainedyouwithafewreminiscences；Isaywastohavedoneso，becauseheisnottodoso。"
　　"I’mready，"saidBoswell，rising。
　　"Nodoubt，"retortedJohnson，severely，"butIamnot。Youareamanwithonesubject——myself。Iadmitit’sagoodsubject，butyouarenotthemantotreatofit——here。Youmaysufficeformortals，buthereitisdifferent。Icanspeakformyself。YoucangooutandsitonthebanksoftheVitriolReservoirandlecturetotheimpsifyouwantto，butwhenitcomestoreminiscencesofmeI’mondeckmyself，andIflattermyselfIrememberwhatIsaidanddidmoreaccuratelythanyoudo。Therefore，gentlemen，insteadoflisteningtoBoswellatthispoint，youwillkindlyexcusehimandlistentome。Ahem!WhenIwasaboy——"
　　"Excuseme，"saidSolomon，rising；"abouthowlongisthis——ah——thisentertainingdiscourseofyourstocontinue？"
　　"UntilIgetthrough，"returnedJohnson，wrathfully。
　　"Areyouaware，sir，thatIamontheprogramme？"askedSolomon。
　　"Iam，"saidtheDoctor。"Withthatinmind，forthesakeofourfellow—spookswhoarepresent，Iamverymuchinclinedtokeeponforever。WhenIwasaboy——"
　　Carlyleroseupatthispoint。
　　"Ishouldliketoask，"hesaid，mildly，"ifthisissupposedtobeanaudienceofchildren？I，forone，havenowishtolistentothejuvenilestoriesofDoctorJohnson。Furthermore，Ihavecomehereparticularlyto—nighttohearBoswell。IwanttocomparehimwithFroude。Ithereforeprotestagainst——"
　　"Thereisarooftothishouse—boat，"saidDoctorJohnson。"IfMr。
　　CarlylewillretiretotheroofwithBoswellIhavenodoubthecanbeaccommodated。AsforSolomon’sinterruption，Icanaffordtopassthatoverwiththesilentcontemptitdeserves，thoughImayaddwithproprietythatIconsiderhismostfamousproverbsthemostabsurdbitsofhack—workIeverencountered；andasforthatstoryaboutdividingababybetweentwomothersbysplittingitintwo，itwasgrosslyinhumanunlessthebabywastwins。WhenIwasaboy——"
　　AstheDoctorproceeded，CarlyleandSolomon，accompaniedbythenowangryBoswell，lefttheroom，andmyaccountoftheStory—tellers’
　　Nightmustperforcestop；because，thoughIhaveneverheretoforeconfessedit，allmyinformationconcerningthehouse—boatontheStyxhasbeenderivedfromthememorandaofBoswell。Itmaybeinterestingtothereadertolearn，however，that，accordingtoBoswell’saccount，theStory—tellers’Nightwasneverfinished；butwhetherthismeansthatitbrokeupimmediatelyafterwardsinariot，orthatDoctorJohnsonisstillatworkdetailinghisreminiscences，Iamnotaware，andIcannotatthemomentofwritingascertain，forBoswell，whenIhavethepleasureofmeetinghim，invariablyavoidsthesubject。
　　CHAPTERXI：ASTOSAURIANSANDOTHERS
　　ItwasNoahwhospoke。
　　"I’mglad，"hesaid，"thatwhenIembarkedatthetimeoftheheavyrainsthatdidsomuchdamageintheolddays，thereweren’tanydogslikethatfellowCerberusabout。IfI’dhadtofeedalotofthree—
　　headedbeastslikehimtheArkwouldhaverunshortofprovisionsinsideoftendays。"
　　"That’sverylikelytrue，"observedMr。Barnum；"butImustconfess，mydearNoah，thatyoushowedalamentablelackoftheshowman’sinstinctwhenyouselectedtheanimalsyoudid。Amorecommonplacelotofbeastswerenevergatheredtogether，andwhileAdamisheldresponsiblefortheintroductionofsinintotheworld，Iattributemostofmyoffencestononeotherthanyourself。"
　　Themembersoftheclubdrewtheirchairsalittlecloser。Theconversationhadopenedatriflespicily，and，furthermore，theyhadretainedenoughoftheirmortalitytobeinterestedinanimalstories。Adam，whohadmanagedtosettlehisbackduesanddelinquenthouse—charges，andoncemoreacquiredtheprivilegesoftheclub，noddedhisheadgratefullyatMr。Barnum。
　　"I’mgladtofindsomeone，"saidhe，"whoplacestheresponsibilityfortroublewhereitbelongs。I’mround—shoulderedwiththeblameI’vehadtobear。Ididn’tinventsinanymorethanIinventedthetelephone，andIthinkit’sratherroughonafellowwholivedaquiet，retiring，pastorallife，mindinghisownbusinessandstayinghomenights，tobehelduptopublicreprobationforaslongatimeasIhave。"
　　"It’llbeallrightintime，"saidRaleigh；"justwait——bepatient，andyourvindicationwillcome。NobodythoughtmuchoftheplaysBaconandIwroteforShakespeareuntilShakespeare’dbeendeadacentury。"
　　"Humph!"saidAdam，gloomily。"Wait!WhathaveIbeendoingallthistime？I’vewaitedallthetimethere’sbeensofar，anduntilMr。BarnumspokeashedidIhaven’tobservedtheslightestinclinationonthepartofanybodytorehabilitatemylostreputation。NordoIseeexactlyhowit’stocomeaboutevenifIdowait。"
　　"Youmightapplyforaninvestigatingcommitteetolookintothecharges，"suggestedanAmericanpolitician，justover。"Getyourfriendsonit，andyou’llbeallright。"
　　"Betterletsleepingdogslie，"saidBlackstone。
　　"Iintendto，"saidAdam。"Thefactis，Ihatetogiveanyfurtherpublicitytothematter。EvenifIdidbringthecaseintocourtandsueforlibel，I’veonlygotonewitnesstoprovemyinnocence，andthat’smywife。I’mnotgoingtodragherintoit。She’sgotnervousprostrationoverherpositionasitis，andthiswouldmakeitworse。QueenElizabethandtherestofthesesnobsinsocietywon’tinvitehertoanyoftheirfunctionsbecausetheysayshehadn’tanygrandfather；andevenifshewerereceivedbythem，she’dbeuncomfortablegoingabout。Itisn’tpleasantforawomantofeelthateveryoneknowsshe’stheoldestwomanintheroom。"
　　"Well，takemywordforit，"saidRaleigh，kindly。"It’llallcomeoutallright。Youknowtheoldsaying，’Historyrepeatsitself。’
　　SomedayyouwillbelivingbackinEdenagain，andifyouareonlycarefultomakeanexactrecordofallyoudo，andhaveanotarypresent，beforewhomyoucanmakeanaffidavitastothefacts，youwillbeabletodemonstrateyourinnocence。"
　　"Iwasonlycondemnedonhearsayevidence，anyhow，"saidAdam，ruefully。
　　"Nonsense；youwerecaughtred—handed，"saidNoah；"mygrandfathertoldmeso。AndnowthatI’vegotachancetoslipinawordedgewise，I’dlikemightilytohaveyouexplainyourstatement，Mr。
　　Barnum，thatIamresponsibleforyourerrors。Thatisaseriouschargetobringagainstamanofmyreputation。"
　　"Imeansimplythis：thattomakeashowinteresting，"saidMr。
　　Barnum，"amanhasgottoprovideinterestingmaterials，that’sall。
　　Idonotmeantosayawordthatisinanywayderogatorytoyourmorality。Youwereasurprisinglygoodmanforasea—captain，andwiththeexceptionofthatoneoccasionwhenyou——ah——youallowedyourselftobestrandedonthebar，ifImaysoputit，Iknowofnothingtobesaidagainstyouasamoral，temperateperson。"
　　"Thatwasonlyanaccident，"saidNoah，reddening。"Youcan’texpectamansixhundredoddyearsofage——"
　　"Certainlynot，"saidRaleigh，soothingly，"andnobodythinkslessofyouforit。Consideringhowyoumusthavehatedthesightofwater，thewonderofitisthatitdidn’tbecomeafixedhabit。LetushearwhatitisthatMr。Barnumdoescriticiseinyou。"
　　"Histaste，that’sall，"saidMr。Barnum。"Icontendthat，comparedtotheanimalshemighthavehad，theoneshedidhavewereasant—
　　hillstoAlps。ThereweremoremagnificentzoosallowedtodieoutthroughNoah’slackofjudgmentthanonelikestothinkof。TaketheProterosaurus，forinstance。Whereonearthdowefindhisequalto—
　　day？"
　　"Yououghttobemightygladyoucan’tfindonelikehim，"putinAdam。"Ifyou’dspentaweekintheGardenofEdenwithme，withlizardseightfeetlongdroppingoutofthetreesontoyourlapwhileyouweretryingtotakeaSunday—afternoonnap，you’dbewillingtodispensewiththingsofthatsortforthebalanceofyournaturallife。Ifyouwanttogetanideaofthatexperienceletsomebodydropacalfonyousomeafternoon。"
　　"Iamnotsayinganythingaboutthat，"returnedBarnum。"Itwouldbeunpleasanttohaveanelephantdropononeafterthefashionofwhichyouspeak，butIamgladtheelephantwassavedjustthesame。I
　　haven’tadvocatedtheProterosaurusasaSunday—afternoonsurprise，butasanattractionforashow。Istillmaintainthatalizardasbigasacowwouldprovealodestone，thedrawingpowersofwhichthepocket—moneyofthesmallboywouldbeutterlyunabletoresist。
　　ThentherewastheIguanadon。He’dhavebroughtafortunetothebox—office——"
　　"Whichyou’dhaveimmediatelylost，"retortedNoah，"payingrent。
　　Whenyougetareptileofhissize，thatreachesthirtyfeetupintotheairwhenhestandsonhishind—legs，theordinarycircuswagonofcommercecan’tbemadetoholdhim，andyourmenagerie—roomhastohaveceilingssohighthateverypennyhebroughttothebox—officewouldbespentstoringhim。"
　　"Mischievous，too，"saidAdam，"thatIguanadon。Youcouldn’tkeepanythingoutofhisreach。Weusedtoforbidanimalsofhiskindtoenterthegarden，butthatdidn’tbotherhim；he’dstanduponhishind—legsandreachoverandstealanythinghe’dhappentowant。"
　　"Icouldhaveusedhimforafire—escape，"saidMr。Barnum；"andasformyinabilitytoprovidehimwithquarters，I’dhavemetthatproblemafterashortwhile。I’vealwayslamentedtheabsence，too，oftheMegalosaurus——"
　　"Whichsimplyshowshowignorantyouare，"retortedNoah。"Why，mydearfellow，itwouldhavetakenthewholeofanordinaryzoosuchasyourstogivetheMegalosaurusalunch。Thosefellowswouldeatarhinocerosaseasilyasyou’dcrackapeanut。IdidhaveacoupleofMegalosauriansonmyboatforjusttwenty—fourhours，andthenI
　　chuckedthembothoverboard。IfI’dkeptthemtendayslongerthey’dhaveeateneveryblessedbeastIhadwithme，andyourZoowouldn’thavehadanythingelsebutMegalosaurians。"
　　"Papaisrightaboutthat，Mr。Barnum，"saidShem。"ThewholeSauriantribewasafearfulnuisance。AboutfourhundredyearsbeforethefloodIhadapetCreosaurusthatIkeptinourbarn。Hewasacunninglittledevil——fulloftricks，andallthat；butwenevercouldkeepacoworahorseontheplacewhilehewasabout。
　　They’dmysteriouslydisappear，andweneverknewwhatbecameof’emuntilonemorningwesurprisedFidoin——"
　　"Surprisedwho？"askedDoctorJohnson，scornfully。
　　"Fido，"returnedShem。"’ThatwasmyCreosaurus’sname。"
　　"Lordsaveus!Fido!"criedJohnson。"WhatanameforaCreosaurus!"
　　"Well，whatofit？"askedShem，angrily。"Youwouldn’thaveuscallamastodonlikethatFanny，wouldyou，orTatters？"
　　"Goon，"saidJohnson；"I’venothingtosay。"
　　"ShallIsendforaphysician？"putinBoswell，lookinganxiouslyathischief，thesituationwassoextraordinary。
　　SolomonandCarlylegiggled；andtheDoctorhavingpolitelyrequestedBoswelltogotoawarmersectionofthecountry，Shemresumed。
　　"IcaughthimintheactofswallowingfivecowsandHam’sfavoritetrotter，sulkyandall。"
　　BaronMunchausenroseupandlefttheroom。
　　"Ifthey’regoingtolieI’mgoingtogetout，"hesaid，ashepassedthroughtheroom。
　　"WhatbecameofFido？"askedBoswell。
　　"Thesulkykilledhim，"returnedShem，innocently。"Hecouldn’tdigestthewheels。"
　　Noahlookedapprovinglyathisson，and，turningtoBarnum，observed，quietly：
　　"Whathesaysistrue，andIwillgofurtherandsaythatitismybeliefthatyouwouldhavefoundtheshowbusinessimpossibleifI
　　hadtakenthatsortofcreatureaboard。You’dhavegotmightilydiscouragedafteryourAntediluvianshadchewedupafewdozensteamcalliopes，andeateneveryotherable—bodiedexhibityouhadmanagedtosecure。I’dhavetriedtosaveacoupleofDiscosauriansifI
　　hadn’tsupposedtheywereabletotakecareofthemselves。A
　　combinationofsea—serpentanddragon，withanecktwenty—twofeetlong，itseemedtome，oughttohavebeenabletorideoutanystormorfallofrain；butthereIwaswrong，andIamfreetoadmitmyerror。Itneveroccurredtomethatthesea—serpentswereinanydanger，soIletthemalone，withtheresultthatIneversawbutoneother，andhewasonlyanillusionduetothatunhappyuseofstimulantstowhich，withshockingbadtaste，youhavechosentorefer。"
　　"Ididn’tmeantocallupunpleasantmemories，"saidBarnum。"I
　　neverbelievedyougothalf—seasover，anyhow；but，toreturntoourmuttons，whydidn’tyouhanddownafewvarietiesoftheTheriumfamilytoposterity？ThereweretheDinotheriumandtheMegatherium，eitheroneofwhichwouldhaveknockedspotsoutofanyleopardthateverwasmade，andalongsideofwhichevenmywoollyhorsewouldhavepaledintoinsignificance。That’swhatIcan’tunderstandinyourselections；withMegatheriumstoburn，whysaveleopardsandpanthersandothersuchevery—daycreatures？"
　　"WhatkindofaboatdoyousupposeIhad？"criedNoah。"Doyouimagineforamomentthatshewasfourmilesonthewater—line，withamileandthree—quartersbeam？IfI’dhadapairofDinotheriumsinthesternofthatArk，she’dhavetippedupforeandaft，untilshe’dhavelookedlikeatelegraph—poleinthewater，andifI’dput’emamidshipsthey’dhavehadtobewedgedinsotightlytheycouldn’tmovetokeepthevesseltrim。Ididn’tgotosea，myfriend，forthepurposeofbeingtippedoverinmid—oceaneverytimeoneofmycargowantedtoshifthisweightfromonelegtotheother。"
　　"Itwasbadenoughwiththeelephants，wasn’tit，papa？"saidShem。
　　"Yes，indeed，myson，"returnedthepatriarch。"Itwasbadenoughwiththeelephants。Wehadtoshiftourballasthalfadozentimesadaytokeeptheboatfromtravellingonherbeamends，theelephantsmovedaboutsomuch；andwhenwecametothequestionofprovender，ittookupaboutnine—tenthsofourholdtostorehayandpeanutsenoughtokeepthemaliveandgood—tempered。Onthewhole，Ithinkit’sratherlateintheday，consideringthetroubleItooktosaveanythingbutmyselfandmyfamily，tobecriticisedasInowam。Yououghttobemuchobligedtomeforsavinganyanimalsatall。Mostpeopleinmypositionwouldhavebuiltayachtforthemselvesandfamily，andleteverythingelseslide。"
　　"Thatisquitetrue，"observedRaleigh，withapacificatorynodatNoah。"Youwereeminentlyunselfish，andwhile，withMr。Barnum，I
　　exceedinglyregretthattheSauriansandTheriiandothertribeswereleftonthepierwhenyousailed，Ineverthelessthinkthatyoushowedmostexcellentjudgmentatthetime。"
　　"Hewastheonlymanwhohadanyatall，forthatmatter，"suggestedShem，"anditrequiredallhiscouragetoshowit。Everybodywasguyinghim。Sinnersstoodaroundtheyardalldayandeveryday，criticisingthemodel；onescofferpretendedhethoughtheracanal—
　　boat，andaskedhowdeepthefloodwaslikelytobeonthetow—path，andwhetherweintendedtousemulesinshallowwaterandgiraffesindeep；anotheraskedwhattimeallowanceweexpectedtogetinafifteen—milerun，andhintedthatayearandtwomonthspermilestruckhimasbeingtheproperthing——"
　　"Itwasfarfrompleasant，"saidNoah，tappinghisfingerstogetherreflectively。"Idon’twanttogothroughitagain，andif，asRaleighsuggests，historyislikelytorepeatherself，I’llsubletthecontracttoBarnumhere，andlethimgetthechaff。"
　　"Itwasallrightintheend，though，dad，"saidShem。"Wehadthegreatlaughon’hoipolloi’theseconddayout。"
　　"Wedid，indeed，"saidNoah。"Whenwetold’emweonlycarriedfirst—classpassengersandhadnoroomforemigrants，theybegantoseethattheArkwasn’tsuchanoldtub，afterall；andagoodninetypercent。ofthemwouldhavegiventendollarsforalittleofthattimeallowancethey’dbeentalkingtousaboutforseveralcenturies。"
　　Noahlapsedintoamusingsilence，andBarnumrosetoleave。
　　"Istillwishyou’dsavedaDiscosaurus，"hesaid。"Acreaturewithanecktwenty—twofeetlongwouldhavebeenagoldminetome。Hecouldhavebeentrainedtostandinthering，andbystretchingouthisneckbitethelittleboyswhosneakinunderthetentandoccupyseatsonthetoprow。"
　　"Well，foryoursake，"saidNoah，withasmile，"I’mverysorry；butformyown，I’mquitesatisfiedwiththegeneralresults。"
　　Andtheyallagreedthatthepatriarchhadeveryreasontobepleasedwithhimself。
　　CHAPTERXII：THEHOUSE—BOATDISAPPEARS
　　QueenElizabeth，attendedbyOpheliaandXanthippe，waswalkingalongtheriver—bank。Itwasabeautifulautumnday，although，owingtocertainclimaticpeculiaritiesofHades，itseemedmorelikemidsummer。Themercuryintheclubthermometerwasnervouslyclickingagainstthetopofthecrystaltube，andpoorCerberuswashavingallhecoulddowithhisthreemouthssnappingupthepestiferouslittleshadesofby—gonegnatsthatseemedtotakeanalmostunholypleasureinalightinguponhisvariousnosesandears。
　　Opheliawasdoingmostofthetalking。
　　"IamsureIhaveneverwishedtorideoneofthem，"shesaid，positively。"Inthefirstplace，Idonotseewherethepleasureofitcomesin，and，inthesecond，itseemstomeasifskirtsmustbedangerous。Iftheyshouldcatchinoneofthepedals，wherewouldI
　　be？"
　　"Inthehospitalshortly，methinks，"saidQueenElizabeth。
　　"Well，Ishouldn’twearskirts，"snappedXanthippe。"Ifaman’swifecan’tborrowsomeofherhusband’sclothingtoreduceherperiltoaminimum，whatistheuseofhavingahusband？WhenItaketothebicycle，which，inspiteofallSocratescansay，Ifullyintendtodo，Ishallhaveaman’swheel，andIshallwearSocrates’olddress—
　　clothes。IfHadesdoesn’tlikeit，Hadesmaysuffer。"
　　"Idon’tseehowSocrates’clotheswillhelpyou，"observedOphelia。
　　"Heworeskirtshimself，justlikealltheotheroldGreeks。Histogawouldbequiteasapttocatchinthegearasyourskirts。"
　　Xanthippelookedpuzzledforamoment。ItwasevidentthatshehadnotthoughtofthepointwhichOpheliahadbroughtup——strong—mindedladiesofherkindareaptsometimestooverlookimportantlinksinsuchchainsofevidenceastheyfeelcalledupontouseinbindingthemselvestotheirrights。
　　"Thewomenofyourdaywererelievedofthatdressproblem，atanyrate，"laughedQueenElizabeth。
　　"Thewomenofmyday，"retortedXanthippe，"inmattersofdressweretheequalsoftheirhusbands——inmyfamilyparticularly；nowtheyhavelosttheirrights，andaremadetoconfinethemselvesstilltogarmentslikethoseofyore，whilemanhasarrogatedtohimselfthesoleandexclusiveuseofsanehabiliments。However，thatisapartfromthequestion。IwassayingthatIshallhaveaman’swheel，andshallwearSocrates’olddress—clothestorideitin，ifSocrateshastogooutandbuyanolddress—suitforthepurpose。"
　　TheQueenarchedherbrowsandlookedinquiringlyatXanthippeforamoment。
　　"Amagnificentoldmaidwaslosttotheworldwhenyoumarried，"shesaid。"Feelingasyoudoaboutmen，mydearXanthippe，Idon’tseewhyyouevertookahusband。"
　　"Humph!"retortedXanthippe。"Ofcourseyoudon’t。Youdidn’tneedahusband。Youwerebornwithsomethingtogovern。Iwasn’t。"
　　"Howaboutyourtemper？"suggestedOphelia，meekly。
　　Xanthippesniffedfrigidlyatthisremark。
　　"InevershouldhavegonecrazyoveramanifI’dremainedunmarriedfortythousandyears，"sheretorted，severely。"ImarriedSocratesbecauseIlovedhimandadmiredhissculpture；butwhenhegaveupsculptureandbecameathinkerhesimplytriedmebeyondallendurance，hewassothoughtless，withtheresultthat，havingventuredonceortwicetoshowmynaturalresentment，Ihavebeenhandeddowntoposterityasashrew。I’venevercomplained，andI
　　don’tcomplainnow；butwhenawomanismarriedtoaphilosopherwhoissotakenupwithhisstudiesthatwhenherisesinthemorninghedoesn’tlookwhatheisdoing，andgoesofftohisbusinessinhiswife’sclothes，Ithinksheisentitledtoacertainamountofsympathy。"
　　"Andyetyouwishtowearhis，"persistedOphelia。
　　"Turnaboutisfair—play，"saidXanthippe。"I’vesufferedsomuchonhisaccountthatontheprincipleofaverageshedeservestohavealittledropofbittersinhisnectar。"
　　"Youaresimplythevictimofman’sdeceit，"saidElizabeth，wishingtomollifythenowangryXanthippe，whowasonthevergeoftears。
　　"Iunderstoodmen，fortunately，andsonevermarried。Iknewmyfather，andevenifIhadn’tbeenawiseenoughchildtoknowhim，I
　　shouldnothavewed，becausehemarriedenoughtolastonefamilyforseveralyears。"
　　"Youmusthavehadahardtimerefusingallthoselovelymen，though，"sighedOphelia。"Ofcourse，SirWalterwasn’tashandsomeasmydearHamlet，buthewasveryfetching。"
　　"Icannotdenythat，"saidElizabeth，"andIdidn’treallyhavethehearttosaynowhenheaskedme；butIdidtellhimthatifhemarriedmeIshouldnotbecomeMrs。Raleigh，butthatheshouldbecomeKingElizabeth。HefledtoVirginiaonthenextsteamer。Mydiplomacyridmeofaveryunpleasantduty。"
　　Chattingthus，thethreefamousspiritspassedslowlyalongthepathuntiltheycametotheshelterednookinwhichthehouse—boatlayatanchor。
　　"There’sacaseinpoint，"saidXanthippe，asthehouse—boatloomedupbeforethem。"Allthatluxuryisformen；wewomenarenotpermittedtocrossthegangplank。Ourhusbandsandbrothersandfriendsgothere；thedoorclosesonthem，andtheyareascompletelylosttousasthoughtheyneverexisted。Wedon’tknowwhatgoesoninthere。Socratestellsmethattheiramusementsareofamostinnocentnature，buthowdoIknowwhathemeansbythat？
　　Furthermore，itkeepshimfromhome，whileIhavetostayathomeandbeentertainedbymysons，whomtheEncyclopaediaBritannicarightlycallsdullandfatuous。Inotherwords，clublifeforhim，anddulnessandfatuityforme。"
　　"Ithinkmyselfthey’reratherqueeraboutlettingwomenintothatboat，"saidQueenElizabeth。"Butitisn’tSirWalter’sfault。HetoldmehetriedtohavethemestablishaLadies’Day，andthattheyagreedtodoso，buthavesinceresistedallhiseffortstohaveadatesetforthefunction。"
　　"Itwouldbegreatfuntostealintherenow，wouldn’tit，"giggledOphelia。"Theredoesn’tseemtobeanybodyabouttopreventourdoingso。"
　　"That’strue，"saidXanthippe。"Allthewindowsareclosed，asiftherewasn’tasoulthere。I’vehalfamindtotakeapeepinatthehouse。"
　　"Iamwithyou，"saidElizabeth，herfacelightingupwithpleasure。
　　Itwasagreatnovelty，andanunpleasantonetoher，tofindsomeplacewhereshecouldnotgo。"Let’sdoit，"sheadded。
　　Sothethreewomentiptoedsoftlyupthegang—plank，and，silentlyboardingthehouse—boat，peepedinatthewindows。Whattheysawmerelywhettedtheircuriosity。
　　"Imustseemore，"criedElizabeth，rushingaroundtothedoor，whichopenedathertouch。XanthippeandOpheliafollowedcloseonherheels，andshortlytheyfoundthemselves，open—mouthedinwonderingadmiration，inthebilliard—roomofthefloatingpalace，andRichard，theghostofthebestbilliard—roomattendantinoroutofHades，stoodbeforethem。
　　"Excuseme，"hesaid，verymuchupsetbythesuddenapparitionoftheladies。"I’mverysorry，butladiesarenotadmittedhere。"
　　"Weareequallysorry，"retortedElizabeth，assuminghermostimperiousmanner，"thatyourmastershaveseenfittoprohibitourbeinghere；but，nowthatwearehere，weintendtomakethemostoftheopportunity，particularlyasthereseemtobenomembersabout。
　　Whathasbecomeofthemall？"
　　Richardsmiledbroadly。"Idon’tknowwheretheyare，"hereplied；
　　butitwasevidentthathewasnottellingtheexacttruth。
　　"Oh，come，myboy，"saidtheQueen，kindly，"youdoknow。SirWaltertoldmeyoukneweverything。Wherearethey？"
　　"Well，ifyoumustknow，ma’am，"returnedRichard，captivatedbytheQueen’smanner，"they’veallgonedowntherivertoseeaprize—fightbetweenGoliathandSamson。"
　　"Seethere!"criedXanthippe。"That’swhatthisclubmakespossible。
　　SocratestoldmehewascomingheretotakeluncheonwithCarlyle，andthey’vebothof’emgoneofftoadisgustingprize—fight!"
　　"Yes，ma’am，theyhave，"saidRichard；"andifGoliathwins，Idon’tthinkMr。Socrateswillgethomethisevening。"
　　"Betting，eh？"saidXanthippe，scornfully。
　　"Yes，ma’am，"returnedRichard。
　　"Moreclub!"criedXanthippe。
　　"Ohno，ma’am，"saidRichard。"Bettingisnotallowedintheclub；
　　they’reverystrictaboutthat。Buttheshoreisonlytenfeetoff，ma’am，andthegentlemenalwaysgoashoreandmaketheirbets。"
　　DuringthislittlecolloquyElizabethandOpheliawerewanderingabout，admiringeverythingtheysaw。
　　"IdowishLucretiaBorgiaandCalpurniacouldseethis。IwonderiftheCaesarsareonthetelephone，"Elizabethsaid。InvestigationshowedthatboththeBorgiasandtheCaesarswereonthewire，andinshortorderthetwoladieshadbeenmadeacquaintedwiththestateofaffairsatthehouse—boat；andastheywerebothquiteasanxioustoseetheinteriorofthemuch—talked—ofclub—houseastheothers，theywerenotlonginarriving。Furthermore，theybroughtwiththemhalfadozenmoreladies，amongwhomwereDesdemonaandCleopatra，andthenbeganthemostextraordinarysessionthehouse—boateverknew。
　　Ameetingwascalled，withElizabethinthechair，andallthebestladiesoftheStygianrealmswereelectedmembers。Xanthippe，amidthegreatestapplause，movedthateverymalememberoftheorganizationbeexpelledforconductunworthyofagentlemaninattendingaprize—fight，andencouragingtwosuchhorriblecreaturesasGoliathandSamsonintheirnefariouspursuits。Desdemonasecondedthemotion，anditwascarriedwithoutadissentingvoice，althoughMrs。Caesar，withbecomingdignity，merelysmiledapproval，notcaringtotakeparttooactivelyintheproceedings。
　　Themenhavingthusbeendisposedofinasummaryfashion，RichardwaselectedJanitorinCharon’splace，andtheclubwasentirelyreorganized，withCleopatraaspermanentPresident。Themeetingthenadjourned，andtheinvaderssetaboutenjoyingtheirnewlyacquiredprivileges。Thesmoking—roomwasthrongedforafewmoments，butowingtotheextraordinarystrengthofthetobaccowhichthefaithfulRichardshovelledintothefurnace，itdevelopednoenduringpopularity，Xanthippe，withasuddenlyacquiredpallor，beingthefirsttorenouncethepastimeasrevolting。
　　Sofastandfuriouswastheenjoymentofthesethirstysouls，solongdeprivedoftheirrights，thatnightcameonwithouttheirobservingit，andwiththenightwasbroughtthegreatperilintowhichtheywerethrown，andfromwhichatthemomentofwritingtheyhadnotbeenextricated，andwhich，tomyregret，hascutmeoffforthepresentfromanyfurtherinformationconnectedwiththeAssociatedShadesandtheirbeautifullounging—place。HadtheynotbeensointentupontheinnerbeautiesoftheHouse—boatontheStyxtheymighthaveobservedapproaching，undertheshadowofthewesterlyshore，along，rakishcraftpropelledbyoars，whichdippedsoftlyandsilentlyandwithtrainedprecisioninthenowjet—blackwatersoftheStyx。Manningtheoarswereadozenevil—visagedruffians，whileinthesternoftheapproachingvesseltheresatagrim—faced，weather—beatenspirit，armedtotheteeth，hiscoatsleevesbearingtheskullandcross—bones，theinsigniaofpiracy。
　　Thisboat，stealinguptheriverlikeathiefinthenight，containedCaptainKiddandhispiratecrew，andtheirmissionwasamissionofvengeance。Toputthematterbrieflyandplainly，CaptainKiddwassmartingundertheindignitywhichtheclubhadrecentlyputuponhim。Hehadbeenunanimouslyblackballed，evenhisproposerandseconder，whohadbeenbrowbeatenintonominatinghimformembership，votingagainsthim。
　　"Imaybeapirate，"hecried，whenheheardwhattheclubhaddone，"butIhavefeelings，andtheAssociatedShadeswillrepenttheiraction。Thetimewillcomewhenthey’llfindthatIhavetheirclub—
　　house，andtheyhave——itsdebts。"
　　Itwasforthispurposethatthegreatterroroftheseashadcomeuponthis，thefirstfavorableopportunity。Kiddknewthatthehouse—boatwasunguarded；hisspieshadtoldhimthatthemembershadeveryonegonetothefight，andheresolvedthatthetimehadcometoact。HedidnotknowthattheFateshadhelpedtomakehisvengeanceallthemoreterribleandwitheringbyputtingthemostattractiveandfashionableladiesoftheStygiancountrylikewiseinhispower；butsoitwas，andthey，poorsouls，whilethisfiend，relentlessandcruel，wasslowlyapproaching，sangonanddancedoninblissfulunconsciousnessoftheirperil。
　　Inlessthanfiveminutesfromthetimewhenhissinister—craftroundedthebendKiddandhiscrewhadboardedthehouse—boat，cutherloosefromhermoorings，andintenminutesshehadsailedawayintothegreatunknown，andwithherwentsomeofthemostpreciousgemsinthesocialdiademofHades。
　　Therestofmystoryissoontold。Thewholecountrywasarousedwhenthecrimewasdiscovered，butuptothedateofthisnarrativenowordhasbeenreceivedofthemissingcraftandherpreciouscargo。RaleighandCaesarhavehadtheseasscouredinsearchofher，Hamlethasofferedhiskingdomforherreturn，butunavailingly；
　　andthemenofHadeswerecastintoagloomfromwhichthereseemstobenorelief。
　　Socratesalonewasunaffected。
　　"They’llcomebacksomeday，mydearRaleigh，"hesaid，astheknightburiedhisface，weeping，inhishands。"Sowhyrepine？I’llneverlosemyXanthippe——permanently，thatis。Iknowthat，forIamaphilosopher，andIknowthereisnosuchthingasluck。Andwecanstartanotherclub。"
　　"Verylikely，"sighedRaleigh，wipinghiseyes。"Idon’tmindtheclubsomuch，buttothinkofthosepoorwomen——"
　　"Oh，they’reallright，"returnedSocrates，withalaugh。"Caesar’swifeisalong，andyoucan’tdisputethefactthatshe’sagoodchaperon。Givetheladiesachance。They’vebeenafterourclubforyears；nowlet’emhaveit，andletushopethattheylikeit。Ordermeupahemlocksour，andlet’sdrinktotheirenjoymentofclublife。"
　　Whichwasdone，andI，inspirit，drankwiththem，forIsincerelyhopethatthe"NewWomen"ofHadesarehavingagoodtime。