LADYCICELY。No：SHE’Dknowyoumeanwell。Andwhenyoucamehomeandsaid，"Mary：I’vejusttoldalltheworldthatyoursister—in—lawwasapolicecourtcriminal，andthatIsenthertoprison；andyournephewisabrigand，andI’msendingHIMtoprison"she’dhavethoughtitmustbeallrightbecauseyoudidit。Butyoudon’tthinkshewouldhaveLIKEDit，anymorethanpapaandtherestofus，doyou？
　　SIRHOWARD（appalled）。ButwhatamItodo？Doyouaskmetocompoundafelony？
　　LADYCICELY（sternly）。Certainlynot。Iwouldnotallowsuchathing，evenifyouwerewickedenoughtoattemptit。No。WhatI
　　sayis，thatyououghtnottotellthestoryyourselfSIRHOWARD。Why？
　　LADYCICELY。BecauseeverybodywouldsayyouaresuchacleverlawyeryoucouldmakeapoorsimplesailorlikeCaptainKearneybelieveanything。Theproperthingforyoutodo，Howard，istoletMEtelltheexacttruth。Thenyoucansimplysaythatyouareboundtoconfirmme。Nobodycanblameyouforthat。
　　SIRHOWARD（lookingsuspiciouslyather）。Cicely：youareuptosomedevilment。
　　LADYCICELY（promptlywashingherhandsofhisinterests）。Oh，verywell。Tellthestoryyourself，inyourowncleverway。Ionlyproposedtotelltheexacttruth。Youcallthatdevilment。Soitis，Idaresay，fromalawyer’spointofview。
　　SIRHOWARD。Ihopeyou’renotoffended。
　　LADYCICELY（withtheutmostgoodhumor）。MydearHoward，notabit。Ofcourseyou’reright：youknowhowthesethingsoughttobedone。I’lldoexactlywhatyoutellme，andconfirmeverythingyousay。
　　SIRHOWARD（alarmedbythecompletenessofhisvictory）。Oh，mydear，youmustn’tactinMYinterest。Youmustgiveyourevidencewithabsoluteimpartiality。（Shenods，asifthoroughlyimpressedandreproved，andgazesathimwiththesteadfastcandorpeculiartoliarswhoreadnovels。Hiseyesturntotheground；andhisbrowcloudsperplexedly。Herises；rubshischinnervouslywithhisforefinger；andadds）Ithink，perhaps，onreflection，thatthereissomethingtobesaidforyourproposaltorelievemeoftheverypainfuldutyoftellingwhathasoccurred。
　　LADICICELY（holdingoff）。Butyou’ddoitsoverymuchbetter。
　　SIRHOWARD。Forthatveryreason，perhaps，ithadbettercomefromyou。
　　LADYCICELY（reluctantly）。Well，ifyou’drather。
　　SIRHOWARD。Butmind，Cicely，theexacttruth。
　　LADYCICELY（withconviction）。Theexacttruth。（Theyshakehandsonit。）
　　SIRHOWARD（holdingherhand）。Fiatjustitia：ruatcoelum!
　　LADYCICELY。LetJusticebedone，thoughtheceilingfall。
　　AnAmericanbluejacketappearsatthedoor。
　　BLUEJACKET。CaptainKearney’scawmplimentstoLadyWaynflete；andmayhecomein？
　　LADYCICELY。Yes。Byallmeans。Wherearetheprisoners？
　　BLUEJACKET。Partygawntothejailtofetchem，marm。
　　LADYCICELY。Thankyou。Ishouldliketobetoldwhentheyarecoming，ifImight。
　　BLUEJACKET。Youshallso，marm。（Hestandsaside，saluting，toadmithiscaptain，andgoesout。）
　　CaptainHamlinKearneyisarobustlybuiltwesternAmerican，withthekeen，squeezed，windbeateneyesandobstinatelyenduringmouthofhisprofession。Acuriousethnologicalspecimen，withallthenationsoftheoldworldatwarinhisveins，heisdevelopingartificiallyinthedirectionofsleeknessandcultureundertherestraintsofanoverwhelmingdreadofEuropeancriticism，andclimaticallyinthedirectionoftheindiginousNorthAmerican，whoisalreadyinpossessionofhishair，hischeekbones，andthemanlierinstinctsinhim，whichtheseahasrescuedfromcivilization。Theworld，ponderingonthegreatpartofitsownfuturewhichisinhishands，contemplateshimwithwonderastowhatthedevilhewillevolveintoinanothercenturyortwo。
　　MeanwhilehepresentshimselftoLadyCicelyasabluntsailorwhohassomethingtosaytoherconcerningherconductwhichhewishestoputpolitely，asbecomesanofficeraddressingalady，butalsowithanemphaticallyimpliedrebuke，asanAmericanaddressinganEnglishpersonwhohastakenaliberty。
　　LADYCICELY（asheenters）。Sogladyou’vecome，CaptainKearney。
　　KEARNEY（comingbetweenSirHowardandLadyCicely）。Whenwepartedyesterdayahfternoon，LadyWaynflete，Iwasunawarethatinthecourseofyourvisittomyshipyouhadentirelyalteredthesleepingarrangementsofmystokers。Ithahnkyou。Ascaptainoftheship，IamcustomairilycawnsultedbeforetheordersofEnglishvisitorsarecarriedout；butasyouralterationsappeartocawndoocetothecomfortofthemen，Ihavenotinterferedwiththem。
　　LADYCICELY。Howcleverofyoutofindout!Ibelieveyouknoweveryboltinthatship。
　　Kearneysoftensperceptibly。
　　SIRHOWARD。Iamreallyverysorrythatmysister—in—lawhastakensoseriousaliberty，CaptainKearney。Itisamaniaofhers——
　　simplyamania。Whydidyourmenpayanyattentiontoher？
　　KEARNEY（withgravelydissembledhumor）。Well，Iahskedthatquestiontoo。Isaid，Whydidyouobeythatlady’sordersinsteadofwaitingformine？Theysaidtheydidn’tseeexactlyhowtheycouldrefuse。Iahskedwhethertheycawnsideredthatdiscipline。
　　Theysaid，Well，sir，willyoutalktotheladyyourselfnexttime？
　　LADYCICELY。I’msosorry。Butyouknow，Captain，theonethingthatonemissesonboardaman—of—warisawoman。
　　KEARNEY。Weoftenfeelthatdeprivationverrykeenly，LadyWaynflete。
　　LADYCICELY。MyuncleisfirstLordoftheAdmiralty；andIamalwaystellinghimwhatascandalitisthatanEnglishcaptainshouldbeforbiddentotakehiswifeonboardtolookaftertheship。
　　KEARNEY。Strangerstill，LadyWaynflete，heisnotforbiddentotakeanyotherlady。Yoursisanextraordinairycountry——toanAmerrican。
　　LADYCICELY。Butit’smostserious，Captain。Thepoormengomelancholymad，andrameachother’sshipsanddoallsortsofthings。
　　SIRHOWARD。Cicely：IbegyouwillnottalknonsensetoCaptainKearney。Yourideasonsomesubjectsarereallyhardlydecorous。
　　LADYCICELY（toKearney）。That’swhatEnglishpeoplearelike，CaptainKearney。Theywon’thearofanythingconcerningyoupoorsailorsexceptNelsonandTrafalgar。YOUunderstandme，don’tyou？
　　KEARNEY（gallantly）。IcawnsiderthatyouhavemoresenseinyourweddingringfingerthantheBritishAhdmiraltyhasinitswholecawnstitootion，LadyWaynflete。
　　LADYCICELY。OfcourseIhave。Sailorsalwaysunderstandthings。
　　Thebluejacketreappears。
　　BLUEJACKET（toLadyCicely）。Prisonerscomingupthehill，marm。
　　KEARNEY（turningsharplyonhim）。Whosentyouintosaythat？
　　BLUEJACKET（calmly）。Britishlady’sorders，sir。（Hsgoesout，unruffled，leavingKearneydumbfounded。）
　　SIRHOWARD（contemplatingKearney’sexpressionwithdismay）。Iamreallyverysorry，CaptainKearney。IamquiteawarethatLadyCicelyhasnorightwhatevertogiveorderstoyourmen。
　　LADYCICELY。Ididn’tgiveorders：Ijustaskedhim。Hehassuchaniceface!Don’tyouthinkso，CaptainKearney？（Hegasps，speechless。）Andnowwillyouexcusemeamoment。Iwanttospeaktosomebodybeforetheinquirybegins。（Shehurriesout。）
　　KEARNEY。ThereissertnlyawonderfulchahrnabouttheBritisharistocracy，SirHowardHallam。Aretheyalllikethat？（Hetakesthepresidentialchair。）
　　SIRHOWARD（resuminghisseatonKearney’sright）。Fortunatelynot，CaptainKearney。HalfadozensuchwomenwouldmakeanendoflawinEnglandinsixmonths。
　　Thebluejacketcomestothedooragain。
　　BLUEJACKET。Allready，sir。
　　KEARNEY。Verrygood。I’mwaiting。
　　Thebluejacketturnsandintimatesthistothosewithout。
　　TheofficersoftheSantiagoenter。
　　SIRHOWARD（risingandbobbingtotheminajudicialmanner）。Goodmorning，gentlemen。
　　Theyacknowledgethegreetingrathershyly，bowingortouchingtheircaps，andstandinagroupbehindKearney。
　　KEARNEY（toSirHoward）。YouwillbeglahdtohearthatIhaveaverrygoodaccountofoneofourprisonersfromourchahplain，whovisitedtheminthegaol。HehasexpressedawishtobecawnvertedtoEpiscopalianism。
　　SIRHOWARD（drily）。Yes，IthinkIknowhim。
　　KEARNEY。Bringintheprisoners。
　　BLUEJACKET（atthedoor）。TheyareengagedwiththeBritishlady，sir。ShallIaskher——
　　KEARNEY（jumpingupandexplodinginstormpiercingtones）。Bringintheprisoners。Telltheladythosearemyorders。Doyouhear？
　　Tellherso。（Thebluejacketgoesoutdubiously。Theofficerslookatoneanotherinmutecommentontheunaccountablepepperinessoftheircommander。）
　　SIRHOWARD（suavely）。Mr。Rankinwillbepresent，Ipresume。
　　KEARNEY（angrily）。Rahnkin!WhoisRahnkin？
　　SIRHOWARD。Ourhostthemissionary。
　　KEARNEY（subsidingunwillingly）。Oh!Rahnkin，ishe？He’dbetterlooksharporhe’llbelate。（Againexploding。）Whataretheydoingwiththoseprisoners？
　　Rankinhurriesin，andtakeshisplacenearSirHoward。
　　SIRHOWARD。ThisisMr。Rankin，CaptainKearney。
　　RANKIN。Excusemydelay，CaptainKearney。Theleddysentmeonanerrand。（Kearneygrunts。）IthoughtIshouldbelate。ButthefirstthingIheardwhenIarrivedwasyourofficergivingyourcomplimentstoLeddyCeecily，andwouldshekindlyallowtheprisonerstocomein，asyouwereanxioustoseeheragain。ThenI
　　knewIwasintime。
　　KEARNEY。Oh，thatwasit，wasit？MayIask，sir，didyounoticeanysignonLadyWaynflete’spartofcawmplyingwiththatverrymoderaterequest？
　　LADYCICELY（outside）。Coming，coming。
　　Theprisonersarebroughtinbyaguardofarmedbluejackets。
　　Drinkwaterfirst，againelaboratelyclean，andconveyingbyavirtuousandsteadfastsmirkacheerfulconfidenceinhisinnocence。Johnsonsolidandinexpressive，Redbrookunconcernedanddebonair，Marzouneasy。Thesefourformalittlegrouptogetheronthecaptain’sleft。TherestwaitunintelligentlyonProvidenceinarowagainstthewallonthesameside，shepherdedbythebluejackets。Thefirstbluejacket，apettyofficer，postshimselfonthecaptain’sright，behindRankinandSirHoward。
　　FinallyBrassboundappearswithLadyCicelyonhisarm。Heisinfashionablefrockcoatandtrousers，spotlesscollarandcuffs，andelegantboots。Hecarriesaglossytallhatinhishand。Toanunsophisticatedeye，thechangeismonstrousandappalling；anditseffectonhimselfissounmanningthatheisquiteoutofcountenance——ashavenSamson。LadyCicely，however，isgreatlypleasedwithit；andtherestregarditasanunquestionableimprovement。Theofficersfallbackgallantlytoallowhertopass。Kearneyrisestoreceiveher，andstareswithsomesurpriseatBrassboundashestopsatthetableonhisleft。SirHowardrisespunctiliouslywhenKearneyrisesandsitswhenhesits。
　　KEARNEY。Isthisanothergentlemanofyourparty，LadyWaynflete？
　　IpresumeImetyoulahstnight，sir，onboardtheyacht。
　　BRASSBOUND。No。Iamyourprisoner。MynameisBrassbound。
　　DRINKWATER（officiously）。KepnBrarsbahnd，oftheschoonerThenksgiv——
　　REDBROOK（hastily）。Shutup，youfool。（HeelbowsDrinkwaterintothebackground。）
　　KEARNEY（surprisedandrathersuspicious）。Well，Ihardlyunderstahndthis。However，ifyouareCaptainBrassbound，youcantakeyourplacewiththerest。（BrassboundjoinsRedbrookandJohnson。Kearneysitsdownagain，afterinvitingLadyCicely，withasolemngesture，totakethevacantchair。）Nowletmesee。Youareamanofexperienceinthesematters，SirHowardHallam。Ifyouhadtoconductthisbusiness，howwouldyoustart？
　　LADYCICELY。He’dcallonthecounselfortheprosecution，wouldn’tyou，Howard？
　　SIRHOWARD。Butthereisnocounselfortheprosecution，Cicely。
　　LADYCICELY。Ohyesthereis。I’mcounselfortheprosecution。Youmustn’tletSirHowardmakeaspeech，CaptainKearney：hisdoctorshavepositivelyforbiddenanythingofthatsort。Willyoubeginwithme？
　　KEARNEY。Byyourleave，LadyWaynfiete，IthinkIwilljustbeginwithmyself。Sailorfashionwilldoaswellhereaslawyerfashion。
　　LADYCICELY。Eversomuchbetter，dearCaptainKearney。（Silence。
　　Kearneycomposeshimselftospeak。Shebreaksoutagain）。Youlooksoniceasajudge!
　　Ageneralsmile。Drinkwaterspluttersintoahalfsuppressedlaugh。
　　REDBROOK（inafiercewhisper）。Shutup，youfool，willyou？
　　（Againhepusheshimbackwithafurtivekick。）
　　SIRHOWARD（remonstrating）。Cicely!
　　KEARNEY（grimlykeepinghiscountenance）。Yourladyship’scawmplimentswillbeinorderatalaterstage。CaptainBrassbound：thepositionisthis。Myship，theUnitedStatescruiserSantiago，wasspokenoffMogadorlatestThursdaybytheyachtRedgauntlet。Theowneroftheaforesaidyacht，whoisnotpresentthroughhavingsprainedhisankle，gavemesertninformation。IncawnsequenceofthatinformationtheSantiagomadethetwentyknotstoMogadorHarborinsideoffifty—sevenminutes。
　　BeforenoonnextdayamessengerofminegavetheCadiofthedistrictsertninformation。IncawnsequenceofthatinformationtheCadistimulatedhimselftosometenknotsanhour，andlodgedyouandyourmeninMogadorjailatmydisposal。TheCadithenwentbacktohismountainfahstnesses；soweshallnothavethepleasureofhiscompanyhereto—day。Doyoufollowmesofar？
　　BRASSBOUND。Yes。IknowwhatyoudidandwhattheCadidid。Thepointis，whydidyoudoit？
　　KEARNEY。Withdoopatienceweshallcometothatpresently。Mr。
　　Rahnkin：willyoukindlytakeuptheparable？
　　RANKIN。OntheverydaythatSirHowrrdandLadyCicelystartedontheirexcursionIwasappliedtoformedicinebyafolloweroftheSheikhSidielAssif。HetoldmeIshouldneverseeSirHowrrdagain，becausehismasterknewhewasaChristianandwouldtakehimoutofthehandsofCaptainBrassbound。Ihurriedonboardtheyachtandtoldtheownertoscourthecoastforagunboatorcruisertocomeintotheharborandputpersuasionontheauthorities。（SirHowardturnsandlooksatRankinwithasuddendoubtofhisintegrityasawitness。）
　　KEARNEY。ButIunderstoodfromourchahplainthatyoureportedCaptainBrassboundasinleaguewiththeSheikhtodeliverSirHowarduptohim。
　　RANKIN。Thatwasmyfirsthastyconclusion，CaptainKearney。ButitappearsthatthecompactbetweenthemwasthatCaptainBrassboundshouldescorttravellersundertheSheikh’sprotectionatacertainpaymentperhead，providednoneofthemwereChristians。AsIunderstandit，hetriedtosmuggleSirHowrrdthroughunderthiscompact，andtheSheikhfoundhimout。
　　DRINKWATER。Rawt，gavner。Thet’sjestahitwors。TheKepn——
　　REDBROOK（againsuppressinghim）。Shutup，youfool，Itellyou。
　　SIRHOWARD（toRankin）。MayIaskhaveyouhadanyconversationwithLadyCicelyonthissubject？
　　RANKIN（naively）。Yes。（SirHowardqruntsemphatically，aswhoshouldsay"Ithoughtso。"Rankincontinues。addressingthecourt）
　　MayIsayhowsorryIamthattherearesofewchairs，Captainandgentlemen。
　　KEARNEY（withgenialAmericancourtesy）。Oh，THAT’sallright，Mr。
　　Rahnkin。Well，Iseenoharmsofar：it’shumanfawlly，butnothumancrime。Nowthecounselfortheprosecutioncanproceedtoprosecute。Thefloorisyours，LadyWaynflete。
　　LADYCICELY（rising）。Icanonlytellyoutheexacttruth——
　　DRINKWATER（involuntarily）。Naow，down’tdothet，lidy——
　　REDBROOK（asbefore）。SHUTup，youfool，willyou？
　　LADYCICELY。Wehadamostdelightfultripinthehills；andCaptainBrassbound’smencouldnothavebeennicer——Imustsaythatforthem——untilwesawatribeofArabs——suchnicelookingmen!——andthenthepoorthingswerefrightened。
　　KEARNEY。TheArabs？
　　LADYCICELY。No：Arabsareneverfrightened。Theescort，ofcourse：escortsarealwaysfrightened。IwantedtospeaktotheArabchief；butCaptainBrassboundcruellyshothishorse；andthechiefshottheCount；andthen——
　　KEARNEY。TheCount!WhatCount？
　　LADYCICELY。Marzo。That’sMarzo（pointingtoMarzo，whogrinsandtoucheshisforehead）。
　　KEARNEY（slightlyoverwhelmedbytheunexpectedprofusionofincidentandcharacterinherstory）。Well，whathappenedthen？
　　LADYCICELY。Thentheescortranaway——allescortsdo——anddraggedmeintothecastle，whichyoureallyoughttomakethemcleanandwhitewashthoroughly，CaptainKearney。ThenCaptainBrassboundandSirHowardturnedouttoberelatedtooneanother（sensation）；
　　andthenofcourse，therewasaquarrel。TheHallamsalwaysquarrel。
　　SIRHOWARD（risingtoprotest）。Cicely!CaptainKearney：thismantoldme——
　　LADYCICELY（swiftlyinterruptinghim）。Youmustn’tsaywhatpeopletoldyou：it’snotevidence。（SirHowardchokeswithindignation。）
　　KEARNEY（calmly）。Allowtheladytoproceed，SirHowardHallam。
　　SIRHOWARD（recoveringhisself—controlwithagulp，andresuminghisseat）。Ibegyourpardon，CaptainKearney。
　　LADYCICELY。ThenSidicame。
　　KEARNEY。Sidney!WhowasSidney？
　　LADYCICELY。No，Sidi。TheSheikh。SidielAssif。Anoblecreature，withsuchafineface!Hefellinlovewithmeatfirstsight——
　　SIRHOWARD（remonstrating）。Cicely!
　　LADYCICELY。Hedid：youknowhedid。Youtoldmetotelltheexacttruth。
　　KEARNEY。Icanreadilybelieveit，madam。Proceed。
　　LADYCICELY。Well，thatputthepoorfellowintoamostcrueldilemma。Yousee，hecouldclaimtocarryoffSirHoward，becauseSirHowardisaChristian。ButasIamonlyawoman，hehadnoclaimtome。
　　KEARNEY（somewhatsternly，suspectingLadyCicelyofaristocraticatheism）。ButyouareaChristianwoman。
　　LADYCICELY。No：theArabsdon’tcountwomen。Theydon’tbelievewehaveanysouls。
　　RANKIN。Thatistrue，Captain：thepoorbenightedcreatures!
　　LADYCICELY。Well，whatwashetodo？Hewasn’tinlovewithSirHoward；andheWASinlovewithme。SohenaturallyofferedtoswopSirHowardforme。Don’tyouthinkthatwasniceofhim，CaptainKearney？
　　KEARNEY。Ishouldhavedonethesamemyself，LadyWaynflete。
　　Proceed。
　　LADYCICELY。CaptainBrassbound，Imustsay，wasnoblenessitself，inspiteofthequarrelbetweenhimselfandSirHoward。Herefusedtogiveupeitherofus，andwasonthepointoffightingforuswhenincametheCadiwithyourmostamusinganddelightfulletter，captain，andbundledusallbacktoMogadoraftercallingmypoorSidithemostdreadfulnames，andputtingalltheblameonCaptainBrassbound。Sohereweare。Now，Howard，isn’tthattheexacttruth，everywordofit？
　　SIRHOWARD。Itisthetruth，Cicely，andnothingbutthetruth。
　　ButtheEnglishlawrequiresawitnesstotelltheWHOLEtruth。
　　LADYCICELY。Whatnonsense!Asifanybodyeverknewthewholetruthaboutanything!（Sittingdown，muchhurtanddiscouraged。）
　　I’msorryyouwishCaptainKearneytounderstandthatIamanuntruthfulwitness。
　　SIRHOWARD。No：but——
　　LADYCICELY。Verywell，then：pleasedon’tsaythingsthatconveythatimpression。
　　KEARNEY。ButSirHowardtoldmeyesterdaythatCaptainBrassboundthreatenedtosellhimintoslavery。
　　LADYCICELY（springingupagain）。DidSirHowardtellyouthethingshesaidaboutCaptainBrassbound’smother？（Renewedsensation。）Itoldyoutheyquarrelled，CaptainKearney。Isaidso，didn’tI？
　　REDBROOK（crisply）。Distinctly。（Drinkwateropenshismouthtocorroborate。）Shutup，youfool。
　　LADYCICELY。OfcourseIdid。Now，CaptainKearney，doYOUwantme——doesSirHowardwantme——doesANYBODYwantmetogointothedetailsofthatshockingfamilyquarrel？AmItostandhereintheabsenceofanyindividualofmyownsexandrepeatthelanguageoftwoangrymen？
　　KEARNEY（risingimpressively）。TheUnitedStatesnavywillhavenohahndinofferinganyviolencetothepureinstinctsofwomanhood。
　　LadyWaynflete：Ithahnkyouforthedelicacywithwhichyouhavegivenyourevidence。（LadyCicelybeamsonhimgratefullyandsitsdowntriumphant。）CaptainBrassbound：IshallnotholdyourespawnsibleforwhatyoumayhavesaidwhentheEnglishbenchaddressedyouinthelanguageoftheEnglishforecastle——（SirHowardisabouttoprotest。）No，SirHowardHallam：excuseME。
　　InmomentsofpahssionIhavecalledamanthatmyself。Weareglahdtofindrealfleshandbloodbeneaththeermineofthejudge。Wewillallnowdropasubjectthatshouldneverhavebeenbroachedinalady’spresence。（Heresumeshisseat，andadds，inabusinessliketone）Isthereanythingfurtherbeforewereleasethesemen？
　　BLUEJACKET。TherearesomedawcumentshandedoverbytheCadi，sir。Hereckonedtheyweresortofmagicspells。Thechahplainorderedthemtobereportedtoyouandburnt，withyourleave，sir。
　　KEARNEY。Whatarethey？
　　BLUEJACKET（readingfromalist）。Fourbooks，tornanddirty，madeupofseparatenumbers，valueeachwawnpenny，andentitledSweenyTodd，theDemonBarberofLondon；TheSkeletonHorseman——
　　DRINKWATER（rushingforwardinpainfulalarm。andanxiety）。It’smawlawbrary，gavner。Down’tburnem。
　　KEARNEY。You’llbebetterwithoutthatsortofreading，myman。
　　DRINKWATER（inintensedistress，appealingtoLadyCicely）Down’tletemburnem，Lidy。Theydasn’tifyouhorderthemnotto。（Withdesperateeloquence）Yerdunnowotthembooksistome。TheytookmeahtofthesawdidreeyellitiesoftheWorterleooRowd。Theyformedmawmawnd：theyshaowedmesathinkawgherthanthesqualorofacorster’slawf——
　　REDBROOK（collaringhim）。Ohshutup，youfool。Getout。Holdyourton——
　　DRINKWATER（franticallybreakingfromhim）。Lidy，lidy：syawordforme。Evafeelinawt。（Histearschokehim：heclaspshishandsindumbentreaty。）
　　LADYCICELY（touched）。Don’tburnhisbooks。Captain。Letmegivethembacktohim。
　　KEARNEY。Thebookswillbehandedovertothelady。
　　DRINKWATER（inasmallvoice）。Thenkyer，Lidy。（Heretiresamonghiscomrades，snivellingsubduedly。）
　　REDBROOK（asidetohimashepasses）。Yousillyass，you。
　　（Drinkwatersniffsanddoesnotreply。）
　　KEARNEY。Isupposeyouandyourmenacceptthislady’saccountofwhatpassed，CaptainBrassbound。
　　BRASSBOUND（gloomily）。Yes。Itistrue——asfarasitgoes。
　　KEARNEY（impatiently）。Doyouwawntittogoanyfurther？
　　MARZO。Sheleaveoutsomething。Arabshootme。Shenurseme。Shecureme。
　　KEARNEY。Andwhoareyou，pray？
　　MARZO（seizedwithasanctimoniousdesiretodemonstratehishighernature）。Onlydamthief。Damliar。Damrascal。Shenolady。
　　JOHNSON（revoltedbytheseeminginsulttotheEnglishpeeragefromalowItalian）。What？What’sthatyousay？
　　MARZO。Noladynursedamrascal。Onlysaint。Shesaint。Shegetmetoheaven——getusalltoheaven。Wedowhatwelikenow。
　　LADYCICELY。IndeedyouwilldonothingofthesortMarzo，unlessyouliketobehaveyourselfverynicelyindeed。Whathourdidyousayweweretolunchat，CaptainKearney？
　　KEARNEY。Yourecallmetomydooty，LadyWaynflete。MybargewillbereadytotakeoffyouandSirHowardtotheSantiagoatoneo’clawk。（Herises。）CaptainBrassbound：thisinnqueryhaselicitednoreasonwhyIshoulddetainyouoryourmen。Iadviseyoutoahctasescortinfuturetoheathensexclusively。Mr。
　　Rahnkin：IthahnkyouinthenameoftheUnitedStatesforthehospitahlityyouhaveextendedtoustoday；andIinviteyoutoaccompanymebahcktomyshipwithaviewtolunchathalf—pastone。Gentlemen：wewillwaitonthegovernorofthegaolonourwaytotheharbor（Hegoesout，followinghisofficers，andfollowedbythebluejacketsandthepettyofficer。）
　　SIRHOWARD（toLadyCicely）。Cicely：inthecourseofmyprofessionalcareerIhavemetwithunscrupulouswitnesses，and，I
　　amsorrytosay，unscrupulouscounselalso。ButthecombinationofunscrupulouswitnessandunscrupulouscounselIhavemetto—dayhastakenawaymybreathYouhavemademeyouraccompliceindefeatingjustice。
　　LADYCICELY。Yes：aren’tyougladit’sbeendefeatedforonce？
　　（Shetakeshisarmtogooutwithhim。）CaptainBrassbound：IwillcomebacktosaygoodbyebeforeIgo。（Henodsgloomily。ShegoesoutwithSirHoward，followingtheCaptainandhisstaff。）
　　RANKIN（runningtoBrassboundandtakingbothhishands）。I’mrightgladye’recleared。I’llcomebackandhaveacrackwithyewhenyonlunchisover。Godblessye。（Hsgoesoutquickly。）
　　Brassboundandhismen，leftbythemselvesintheroom，freeandunobserved，gostraightoutoftheirsenses。Theylaugh；theydance；theyembraceoneanother；theysettopartnersandwaltzclumsily；theyshakehandsrepeatedlyandmaudlinly。Threeonlyretainsomesortofself—possession。Marzo，proudofhavingsuccessfullythrusthimselfintoaleadingpartintherecentproceedingsandmadeadramaticspeech，inflateshischest，curlshisscantymoustache，andthrowshimselfintoaswaggeringpose，chinupandrightfootforward，despisingtheemotionalEnglishbarbariansaroundhim。Brassbound’seyesandtheworkingofhismouthshowthatheisinfectedwiththegeneralexcitement；buthebridleshimselfsavagely。Redbrook，trainedtoaffectindifference，grinscynically；winksatBrassbound；andfinallyrelieveshimselfbyassumingthecharacterofacircusringmaster，flourishinganimaginarywhipandeggingontheresttowilderexertions。AclimaxisreachedwhenDrinkwater，letloosewithoutastainonhischaracterforthesecondtime，israptbybeliefinhisstarintoanecstasyinwhich，scorningallpartnership，hebecomesasitwereawhirlingdervish，andexecutessomiraculousaclogdancethattheothersgraduallyceasetheirsloweranticstostareathim。
　　BRASSBOUND（tearingoffhishatandstridingforwardasDrinkwatercollapses，exhausted，andispickedupbyRedbrook）。Nowtogetridofthisrespectableclobberandfeellikeamanagain。Standby，allhands，tojumponthecaptain’stallhat。（Heputsthehatdownandpreparestojumponit。Theeffectisstartling，andtakeshimcompletelyaback。Hisfollowers，farfromappreciatinghisiconoclasm，areshockedintoscandalizedsobriety，exceptRedbrook，whoisimmenselytickledbytheirprudery。）
　　DRINKWATER。Naow，lookeah，kepn：thatyntrawt。Droralawnsomewhere。
　　JOHNSON。Isaynothinagenabitoffun，Capn；，butlet’sbegentlemen。
　　REDBROOK。Isuggesttoyou，Brassbound，thattheclobberbelongstoLadySis。Ain’tyougoingtogiveitbacktoher？
　　BRASSBOUND（pickingupthehatandbrushingthedustoffitanxiously）。That’strue。I’mafool。Allthesame，sheshallnotseemeagainlikethis。（Hepullsoffthecoatandwaistcoattogether。）Doesanymanhereknowhowtofoldupthissortofthingproperly？
　　REDBROOK。Allowme，governor。（Hetakesthecoatandwaistcoattothetable，andfoldsthemup。）
　　BRASSBOUND（looseninghiscollarandthefrontofhisshirt）。
　　BrandyfacedJack：you’relookingatthesestuds。Iknowwhat’sinyourmind。
　　DRINKWATER（indignantly）。Naowyerdown’t：nortabitonit。Wot’sinmawmawndissecrifawce，seolf—secrifawce。
　　BRASSBOUND。Ifonebrasspinofthatlady’spropertyismissing，I’llhangyouwithmyownhandsatthegaffoftheThanksgiving——
　　andwould，ifshewerelyingunderthegunsofallthefleetsinEurope。（Hepullsofftheshirtandstandsinhisbluejersey，withhishairruffled。Hepasseshishandthroughitandexclaims）
　　NowIamhalfaman，atanyrate。
　　REDBROOK。Ahorriblecombination，governor：churchwardenfromthewaistdown，andtherestpirate。LadySiswon’tspeaktoyouinit。
　　BRASSBOUND。I’llchangealtogether。（Heleavestheroomtogethisowntrousers。）
　　REDBROOK（softly）。Lookhere，Johnson，andgentsgenerally。（Theygatherabouthim。）SposeshetakeshimbacktoEngland!
　　MARZO（tryingtorepeathissuccess）。Im!Imonlydampirate。Shesaint，Itellyou——notakeanymannowhere。
　　JOHNSON（severely）。Don’tyoubeaignorantandimmoralforeigner。
　　（Therebukeiswellreceived；andMarzoishustledintothebackgroundandextinguished。）Shewon’ttakehimforharm；butshemighttakehimforgood。Andthenwhereshouldwebe？
　　DRINKWATER。Brarsbahndynttheownlykepnintheworld。Wotmikesakepnisbrinesanknollidgeolawf。Ityntthetther’snaowsitchpusson：it’sthetyoudunnowheretolookfrim。（Theimplicationthatheissuchapersonissointolerablethattheyreceiveitwithaprolongedburstofbooing。）
　　BRASSBOUND（returninginhisownclothes，gettingintohisjacketashecomes）。Standby，all。（Theystartasunderguiltily，andwaitfororders。）Redbrook：youpackthatclobberinthelady’sportmanteau，andputitaboardtheyachtforher。Johnson：youtakeallhandsaboardtheThanksgiving；lookthroughthestores：
　　weighanchor；andmakeallreadyforsea。ThensendJacktowaitformeattheslipwithaboat；andgivemeagunfirefornsignal。Losenotime。
　　JOHNSON。Ay，ay，air。Allaboard，mates。
　　ALL。Ay，ay。（Theyrushouttumultuously。）
　　Whentheyaregone，Brassboundsitsdownattheendofthetable，withhiselbowsonitandhisheadonhisfists，gloomilythinking。Thenhetakesfromthebreastpocketofhisjacketaleathercase，fromwhichheextractsascrappypacketofdirtylettersandnewspapercuttings。Thesehethrowsonthetable。Nextcomesaphotographinacheapframe。Hethrowsitdownuntenderlybesidethepapers；thenfoldshisarms，andislookingatitwithgrimdistastewhenLadyCicelyenters。Hisbackistowardsher；
　　andhedoesnothearher。Perceivingthis，sheshutsthedoorloudlyenoughtoattracthisattention。Hestartsup。
　　LADYCICELY（comingtotheoppositeendofthetable）。Soyou’vetakenoffallmybeautifulclothes!
　　BRASSBOUND。Yourbrother’s，youmean。Amanshouldwearhisownclothes；andamanshouldtellhisownlies。I’msorryyouhadtotellmineformeto—day。
　　LADYCICELY。Oh，womenspendhalftheirlivestellinglittleliesformen，andsometimesbigones。We’reusedtoit。Butmind!I
　　don’tadmitthatItoldanyto—day。
　　BRASSBOUND。Howdidyousquaremyuncle？
　　LADYCICELY。Idon’tunderstandtheexpression。
　　BRASSBOUND。Imean——
　　LADYCICELY。I’mafraidwehaven’ttimetogointowhatyoumeanbeforelunch。Iwanttospeaktoyouaboutyourfuture。MayI？
　　BRASSBOUND（darkeningalittle，butpolitely）。Sitdown。（Shesitsdown。Sodoeshe。）
　　LADYCICELY。Whatareyourplans？
　　BRASSBOUND。Ihavenoplans。Youwillhearagunfiredintheharborpresently。ThatwillmeanthattheThanksgiving’sanchor’sweighedandthatsheiswaitingforhercaptaintoputouttosea。
　　Andhercaptaindoesn’tknownowwhethertoturnherheadnorthorsouth。
　　LADYCICELY。WhynotnorthforEngland？
　　BRASSBOUND。WhynotsouthforthePole？
　　LADYCICELY。Butyoumustdosomethingwithyourself。
　　BRASSBOUND（settlinghimselfwithhisfistsandelbowsweightilyonthetableandlookingstraightandpowerfullyather）。Lookyou：whenyouandIfirstmet，Iwasamanwithapurpose。Istoodalone：Isaddlednofriend，womanorman，withthatpurpose，becauseitwasagainstlaw，againstreligion，againstmyowncreditandsafety。ButIbelievedinit；andIstoodaloneforit，asamanshouldstandforhisbelief，againstlawandreligionasmuchasagainstwickednessandselfishness。WhateverImaybe，I
　　amnoneofyourfairweathersailorsthat’lldonothingfortheircreedbutgotoHeavenforit。Iwasreadytogotohellformine。
　　Perhapsyoudon’tunderstandthat。
　　LADYCICELY。Ohblessyou，yes。It’ssoverylikeacertainsortofman。
　　BRASSBOUND。IdaresaybutI’venotmetmanyofthatsort。Anyhow，thatwaswhatIwaslike。Idon’tsayIwashappyinit；butI
　　wasn’tunhappy，becauseIwasn’tdrifting。Iwassteeringacourseandhadworkinhand。Giveamanhealthandacoursetosteer；andhe’llneverstoptotroubleaboutwhetherhe’shappyornot。
　　LADYCICELY。Sometimeshewon’tevenstoptotroubleaboutwhetherotherpeoplearehappyornot。
　　BRASBIiOUND。Idon’tdenythat：nothingmakesamansoselfishaswork。ButIwasnotself—seeking：itseemedtomethatIhadputjusticeaboveself。Itellyoulifemeantsomethingtomethen。Doyouseethatdirtylittlebundleofscrapsofpaper？
　　LADYCICELY。Whatarethey？
　　BRASSBOUND。Accountscutoutofnewspapers。Speechesmadebymyuncleatcharitabledinners，orsentencingmentodeath——pious，highmindedspeechesbyamanwhowastomeathiefandamurderer!
　　Tomymindtheyweremoreweighty，moremomentous，betterrevelationsofthewickednessoflawandrespectabilitythanthebookoftheprophetAmos。Whataretheynow？（Hequietlytearsthenewspapercuttingsintolittlefragmentsandthrowsthemaway，lookingfixedlyathermeanwhile。）
　　LADYCICELY。Well，that’sacomfort，atallevents。
　　BRASSBOUND。Yes；butit’sapartofmylifegone：YOURdoing，remember。WhathaveIleft？Seehere!（Hetakeuptheletters）thelettersmyunclewrotetomymother，withhercommentsontheircolddrawninsolence，theirtreacheryandcruelty。Andthepiteouslettersshewrotetohimlateron，returnedunopened。Musttheygotoo？
　　LADYCICELY（uneasily）。Ican’taskyoutodestroyyourmother’sletters。
　　BRASSBOUND。Whynot，nowthatyouhavetakenthemeaningoutofthem？（Hetearsthem。）Isthatacomforttoo？
　　LADYCICELY。It’salittlesad；butperhapsitisbestso。
　　BRASSBOOND。Thatleavesonerelic：herportrait。（Heplucksthephotographoutofitscheapcase。）
　　LADYCICELY（withvividcuriosity）。Oh，letmesee。（Hehandsittoher。Beforeshecancontrolherself，herexpressionchangestooneofunmistakabledisappointmentandrepulsion。）
　　BRASSBOUND（withasinglesardoniccachinnation）。Ha!Youexpectedsomethingbetterthanthat。Well，you’reright。Herfacedoesnotlookwelloppositeyours。
　　LADYCICELY（distressed）。Isaidnothing。
　　BRASSSOUND。Whatcouldyousay？（Hetakesbacktheportrait：sherelinquishesitwithoutaword。Helooksatit；shakeshishead；
　　andtakesitquietlybetweenhisfingerandthumbtotearit。）
　　LADYCICELY（stayinghishand）。Oh，notyourmother’spicture!
　　BRASSBOUND。Ifthatwereyourpicture，wouldyoulikeyoursontokeepitforyoungerandbetterwomentosee？
　　LADYCICELY（releasinghishand）。Oh，youaredreadful!Tearit，tearit。（Shecovershereyesforamomenttoshutoutthesight。）
　　BRASSBOUND（tearingitquietly）。Youkilledherformethatdayinthecastle；andIambetterwithouther。（Hethrowsawaythefragments。）Noweverythingisgone。Youhavetakentheoldmeaningoutofmylife；butyouhaveputnonewmeaningintoit。Icanseethatyouhavesomecluetotheworldthatmakesallitsdifficultieseasyforyou；butI’mnotcleverenoughtoseizeit。
　　You’velamedmebyshowingmethatItakelifethewrongwaywhenI’mlefttomyself。
　　LADYCICELY。Ohno。Whydoyousaythat？
　　BRASSBOUND。WhatelsecanIsay？SeewhatI’vedone!Myuncleisnoworseamanthanmyself——better，mostlikely；forhehasabetterheadandahigherplace。Well，Itookhimforavillainoutofastorybook。Mymotherwouldhaveopenedanybodyelse’seyes：
　　sheshutmine。I’mastupidermanthanBrandyfacedJackeven；forhegothisromanticnonsenseoutofhispennynumbersandsuchliketrash；butIgotjustthesamenonsenseoutoflifeandexperience。（Shakinghishead）Itwasvulgar——VULGAR。Iseethatnow；foryou’veopenedmyeyestothepast；butwhatgoodisthatforthefuture？WhatamItodo？WhereamItogo？
　　LADYCICELY。It’squitesimple。Dowhateveryoulike。That’swhatIalwaysdo。
　　BRASSBOUND。Thatanswerisnogoodtome。WhatIlikeistohavesomethingtodo；andIhavenothing。Youmightaswelltalklikethemissionaryandtellmetodomyduty。
　　LADYCICELY（quickly）。Ohnothankyou。I’vehadquiteenoughofyourduty，andHoward’sduty。WherewouldyoubothbenowifI’dletyoudoit？
　　BRASSBOUND。We’dhavebeensomewhere，atallevents。ItseemstomethatnowIamnowhere。
　　LADYCICELY。Butaren’tyoucomingbacktoEnglandwithus？
　　BRASSBOUND。Whatfor？
　　LADYCICELY。Why，tomakethemostofyouropportunities。
　　BRASSBOUND。Whatopportunities？
　　LADYCICELY。Don’tyouunderstandthatwhenyouarethenephewofagreatbigwig，andhaveinfluentialconnexions，andgoodfriendsamongthem，lotsofthingscanbedoneforyouthatareneverdoneforordinaryshipcaptains？
　　BRASSBOUND。Ah；butI’mnotanaristocrat，yousee。Andlikemostpoormen，I’mproud。Idon’tlikebeingpatronized。
　　LADYCICELY。Whatistheuseofsayingthat？Inmyworld，whichisnowyourworld——OURworld——gettingpatronageisthewholeartoflife。Amancan’thaveacareerwithoutit。
　　BRASSBOUND。Inmyworldamancannavigateashipandgethislivingbyit。
　　LADYCICELY。Oh，Iseeyou’reoneoftheIdealists——theImpossibilists!Wehavethem，too，occasionally，inourworld。
　　There’sonlyonethingtobedonewiththem。
　　BRASSBOUND。What’sthat？
　　LADYCICELY。Marrythemstraightofftosomegirlwithenoughmoneyforthem，andplentyofsentiment。That’stheirfate。
　　BRASSBOUND。You’vespoiledeventhatchanceforme。DoyouthinkI
　　couldlookatanyordinarywomanafteryou？Youseemtobeabletomakemedoprettywellwhatyoulike；butyoucan’tmakememarryanybodybutyourself。
　　LADYCICELY。Doyouknow，CaptainPaquito，thatI’vemarriednolessthanseventeenmen（Brassboundstares）tootherwomen。Andtheyallopenedthesubjectbysayingthattheywouldnevermarryanybodybutme。
　　BRASSBOUND。ThenIshallbethefirstmanyoueverfoundtostandtohisword。
　　LADYCICELY（partpleased，partamused，partsympathetic）。Doyoureallywantawife？
　　BRASSBOUND。Iwantacommander。Don’tundervalueme：IamagoodmanwhenIhaveagoodleader。Ihavecourage：Ihavedetermination：I’mnotadrinker：IcancommandaschoonerandashorepartyifIcan’tcommandashiporanarmy。Whenworkisputuponme，Iturnneithertosavemylifenortofillmypocket。
　　Gordontrustedme；andheneverregrettedit。Ifyoutrustme，youshan’tregretit。Allthesame，there’ssomethingwantinginme：I
　　supposeI’mstupid。
　　LADYCICELY。Oh，you’renotstupid。
　　BRASSBOUND。YesIam。Sinceyousawmeforthefirsttimeinthatgarden，you’veheardmesaynothingclever。AndI’veheardyousaynothingthatdidn’tmakemelaugh，ormakemefeelfriendly，aswellastellingmewhattothinkandwhattodo。That’swhatI
　　meanbyrealcleverness。Well，Ihaven’tgotit。IcangiveanorderwhenIknowwhatordertogive。Icanmakemenobeyit，willingorunwilling。ButI’mstupid，Itellyou：stupid。Whenthere’snoGordontocommandme，Ican’tthinkofwhattodo。Lefttomyself，I’vebecomehalfabrigand。IcankickthatlittlegutterscrubDrinkwater；butIfindmyselfdoingwhatheputsintomyheadbecauseIcan’tthinkofanythingelse。Whenyoucame，I
　　tookyourordersasnaturallyasItookGordon’s，thoughIlittlethoughtmynextcommanderwouldbeawoman。Iwanttotakeserviceunderyou。Andthere’snowayinwhichthatcanbedoneexceptmarryingyou。Willyouletmedoit？
　　LADYCICELY。I’mafraidyoudon’tquiteknowhowoddamatchitwouldbeformeaccordingtotheideasofEnglishsociety。
　　BRASSBOUND。IcarenothingaboutEnglishsociety：letitminditsownbusiness。
　　LADYCICELY（rising，alittlealarmed）。CaptainPaquito：Iamnotinlovewithyou。
　　BRASSBOUND（alsorising，withhisgazestillsteadfastlyonher）。
　　Ididn’tsupposeyouwere：thecommanderisnotusuallyinlovewithhissubordinate。
　　LADYCICELY。Northesubordinatewiththecommander。
　　BRASSBOUND（assentingfirmly）。Northesubordinatewiththecommander。
　　LADYCICELY（learningforthefirsttimeinherlifewhatterroris，asshefindsthatheisunconsciouslymesmerizingher）。Oh，youaredangerous!
　　BRASSBOUND。Come：areyouinlovewithanybodyelse？That’sthequestion。
　　LADYCICELY（shakingherhead）。Ihaveneverbeeninlovewithanyrealperson；andInevershall。HowcouldImanagepeopleifIhadthatmadlittlebitofselfleftinme？That’smysecret。
　　BRASSBOUND。Thenthrowawaythelastbitofself。Marryme。
　　LADYCICELY（vainlystrugglingtorecallherwanderingwill）。MustI？
　　BRASSBOUND。Thereisnomust。YouCAN。Iaskyouto。Myfatedependsonit。
　　LADYCICELY。It’sfrightful；forIdon’tmeanto——don’twishto。
　　BRASSBOUND。Butyouwill。
　　LADYCICELY（quitelost，slowlystretchesoutherhandtogiveittohim）。I——（GunfirefromtheThanksgiving。Hiseyesdilate。Itwakesherfromhertrance）Whatisthat？
　　BRASSBOUND。Itisfarewell。Rescueforyou——safety，freedom!YouweremadetobesomethingbetterthanthewifeofBlackPaquito。
　　（Hekneelsandtakesherhands）Youcandonomoreformenow：I
　　haveblunderedsomehowonthesecretofcommandatlast（hekissesherhands）：thanksforthat，andforaman’spowerandpurposerestoredandrighted。Andfarewell，farewell，farewell。
　　LADYCICELY（inastrangeecstasy，holdinghishandsasherises）。
　　Oh，farewell。Withmyheart’sdeepestfeeling，farewell，farewell。
　　BRASSBOUND。Withmyheart’snoblesthonorandtriumph，farewell。
　　（Heturnsandflies。）
　　LADYCICELY。Howglorious!howglorious!Andwhatanescape!
　　CURTAIN
　　NOTESTOCAPTAINBRASSBOUND’SCONVERSION
　　SOURCESOFTHEPLAY
　　IclaimasanotablemeritintheauthorshipofthisplaythatI
　　havebeenintelligentenoughtostealitsscenery，itssurroundings，itsatmosphere，itsgeography，itsknowledgeoftheeast，itsfascinatingCadisandKearneysandSheikhsandmudcastlesfromanexcellentbookofphilosophictravelandvividadventureentitledMogreb—el—Acksa（MoroccotheMostHoly）byCunninghameGraham。MyownfirsthandknowledgeofMoroccoisbasedonamorning’swalkthroughTangier，andacursoryobservationofthecoastthroughabinocularfromthedeckofanOrientsteamer，bothlaterindatethanthewritingoftheplay。
　　CunninghameGrahamistheheroofhisownbook；butIhavenotmadehimtheheroofmyplay，becausesoincredibleapersonagemusthavedestroyeditslikelihood——suchasitis。TherearemomentswhenIdonotmyselfbelieveinhisexistence。Andyethemustbereal；forIhaveseenhimwiththeseeyes；andIamoneofthefewmenlivingwhocandecipherthecuriousalphabetinwhichhewriteshisprivateletters。Themanisonpublicrecordtoo。
　　ThebattleofTrafalgarSquare，inwhichhepersonallyandbodilyassailedcivilizationasrepresentedbytheconcentratedmilitaryandconstabularforcesofthecapitaloftheworld，canscarcelybeforgottenbythemorediscreetspectators，ofwhomIwasone。
　　Onthatoccasioncivilization，qualitativelyhisinferior，wasquantitativelysohugelyinexcessofhimthatitputhiminprison，buthadnotsenseenoughtokeephimthere。YethisgettingoutofprisonwasasnothingcomparedtohisgettingintotheHouseofCommons。HowhediditIknownot；butthethingcertainlyhappened，somehow。Thathemadepregnantutterancesasalegislatormaybetakenasprovedbythekeenphilosophyofthetravelsandtaleshehassincetossedtous；buttheHouse，stronginstupidity，didnotunderstandhimuntilinaninspiredmomenthevoicedauniversalimpulsebybluntlydamningitshypocrisy。Ofalltheeloquenceofthatsillyparliament，thereremainsonlyonesingledamn。IthassurvivedthefrontbenchspeechesoftheeightiesasthewordofCervantessurvivestheoraculationsoftheDonsandDeyswhoputhim，too，inprison。TheshockedHousedemandedthatheshouldwithdrawhiscruelword。"Ineverwithdraw，"saidhe；andIpromptlystolethepotentphraseforthesakeofitsperfectstyle，anduseditasacockadefortheBulgarianheroofArmsandtheMan。Thetheftprospered；andI
　　naturallytakethefirstopportunityofrepeatingit。InwhatotherLepantosbesidesTrafalgarSquareCunninghameGrahamhasfought，Icannottell。Heisafascinatingmysterytoasedentarypersonlikemyself。Thehorse，adangerousanimalwhom，whenI
　　cannotavoid，Ipropitiatewithapplesandsugar，hebestridesanddominatesfearlessly，yetwithatruerepublicansenseoftherightsofthefourleggedfellowcreaturewhosemartyrdom，andman’sshametherein，hehastoldmostpowerfullyinhisCalvary，atalewithanedgethatwillcutthesoftcruelheartsandstrikefirefromthehardkindones。Hehandlestheotherlethalweaponsasfamiliarlyasthepen：medievalswordandmodernMauseraretohimasumbrellasandkodaksaretome。HistalesofadventurehavethetrueCervantestouchofthemanwhohasbeenthere——sorefreshinglydifferentfromthescenesimaginedbybloody—mindedclerkswhoescapefromtheirservitudeintoliteraturetotellushowmenandcitiesareconceivedinthecountinghouseandthevolunteercorps。Heis，Iunderstand，aSpanishhidalgo：hencethesuperbityofhisportraitbyLavery（Velasquezbeingnolongeravailable）。Heis，Iknow，aScotchlaird。HowhecontrivestobeauthenticallythetwothingsatthesametimeisnomoreintelligibletomethanthefactthateverythingthathaseverhappenedtohimseemstohavehappenedinParaguayorTexasinsteadofinSpainorScotland。Heis，Iregrettoadd，animpenitentandunashameddandy：suchboots，suchahat，wouldhavedazzledD’Orsayhimself。WiththathatheoncesalutedmeinRegentSt。whenIwaswalkingwithmymother。Herinterestwasinstantlykindled；andthefollowingconversationensued。"Whoisthat？""CunninghameGraham。""Nonsense!CunninghameGrahamisoneofyourSocialists：thatmanisagentleman。"Thisisthepunishmentofvanity，afaultIhavemyselfalwaysavoided，asI
　　findconceitlesstroublesomeandmuchlessexpensive。LateronsomebodytoldhimofTarudant，acityinMoroccoinwhichnoChristianhadeversetfoot。Concludingatoncethatitmustbeanexceptionallydesirableplacetolivein，hetookshipandhorse：
　　changedthehatforaturban；andmadestraightforthesacredcity，viaMogador。Howhefared，andhowhefellintothehandsoftheCadiofKintafi，whorightlyheldthattherewasmoredangertoIslaminoneCunninghameGrahamthaninathousandChristians，maybelearntfromhisaccountofitinMogreb—el—Acksa，withoutwhichCaptainBrassbound’sConversionwouldneverhavebeenwritten。
　　IamequallyguiltlessofanyexerciseofinventionconcerningthestoryoftheWestIndianestatewhichsoverynearlyservesasapegtohangCaptainBrassbound。ToMr。FrederickJacksonofHindhead，who，againstallhisprinciples，encouragesandabetsmeinmycareerasadramatist，IowemyknowledgeofthosemainfactsofthecasewhichbecamepublicthroughanattempttomaketheHouseofCommonsactonthem。Thisbeingso，ImustaddthatthecharacterofCaptainBrassbound’smother，liketherecoveryoftheestatebythenextheir，isaninterpolationofmyown。Itisnot，however，aninvention。Oneoftheevilsofthepretencethatourinstitutionsrepresentabstractprinciplesofjusticeinsteadofbeingmeresocialscaffoldingisthatpersonsofacertaintemperamenttakethepretenceseriously，andwhenthelawisonthesideofinjustice，willnotacceptthesituation，andaredrivenmadbytheirvainstruggleagainstit。DickenshasdrawnthetypeinhisManfromShropshireinBleakHouse。Mostpublicmenandalllawyershavebeenappealedtobyvictimsofthissenseofinjustice——themostunhelpableofafflictionsinasocietylikeours。
　　ENGLISHANDAMERICANDIALECTS
　　ThefactthatEnglishisspeltconventionallyandnotphoneticallymakestheartofrecordingspeechalmostimpossible。Whatismore，itplacesthemoderndramatist，whowritesforAmericaaswellasEngland，inamosttryingposition。TakeforexamplemyAmericancaptainandmyEnglishlady。Ihavespeltthewordconduce，asutteredbytheAmericancaptain，ascawndooce，tosuggest（veryroughly）theAmericanpronunciationtoEnglishreaders。Thenwhynotspellthesameword，whenutteredbyLadyCicely，askerndewce，tosuggesttheEnglishpronunciationtoAmericanreaders？TothisIhaveabsolutelynodefence：IcanonlypleadthatanauthorwholivesinEnglandnecessarilyloseshisconsciousnessofthepeculiaritiesofEnglishspeech，andsharpenshisconsciousnessofthepointsinwhichAmericanspeechdiffersfromit；sothatitismoreconvenienttoleaveEnglishpeculiaritiestoberecordedbyAmericanauthors。Imust，however，mostvehementlydisclaimanyintentionofsuggestingthatEnglishpronunciationisauthoritativeandcorrect。MyowntongueisneitherAmericanEnglishnorEnglishEnglish，butIrishEnglish；
　　soIamasnearlyimpartialinthematterasitisinhumannaturetobe。Besides，thereisnostandardEnglishpronunciationanymorethanthereisanAmericanone：inEnglandeverycountyhasitscatchwords，justasnodoubteverystateintheUnionhas。I
　　cannotbelievethatthepioneerAmerican，forexample，cansparetimetolearnthatlastrefinementofmodernspeech，theexquisitediphthong，afarfetchedcombinationoftheFrencheuandtheEnglishe，withwhichaNewYorkerpronouncessuchwordsasworld，bird&c。Ihavespentmonthswithoutsuccessintryingtoachieveglibnesswithit。
　　ToFelixDrinkwateralsoIowesomeapologyforimplyingthatallhisvowelpronunciationsareunfashionable。Theyareveryfarfrombeingso。Asfarasmysocialexperiencegoes（andIhavekeptverymixedcompany）thereisnoclassinEnglishsocietyinwhichagooddealofDrinkwaterpronunciationdoesnotpassunchallengedsavebytheexpertphonetician。ThisisnomererashandignorantjibeofmyownattheexpenseofmyEnglishneighbors。AcademicauthorityinthematterofEnglishspeechisrepresentedatpresentbyMr。HenrySweet，oftheUniversityofOxford，whoseElementarbuchdesgesprochenenEngliach，translatedintohisnativelanguagefortheuseofBritishislandersasaPrimerofSpokenEnglish，isthemostaccessiblestandardworkonthesubject。Insuchwordsasplum，come，humbug，up，gum，etc。，Mr。
　　Sweet’sevidenceisconclusive。LadiesandgentlemeninSouthernEnglandpronouncethemasplam，kam，hambag，ap，gan，etc。，exactlyasFelixDrinkwaterdoes。IcouldnotclaimMr。Sweet’sauthorityifIdaredtowhisperthatsuchcosterEnglishastheratherprettydahntahnfordowntown，orthedecidedlyuglycowcowforcocoaiscurrentinverypolitecircles。Theentirenation，costersandall，wouldundoubtedlyrepudiateanysuchpronunciationasvulgar。Allthesame，ifIweretoattempttorepresentcurrent"smart"cockneyspeechasIhaveattemptedtorepresentDrinkwater’s，withoutthenicetiesofMr。Sweet’sRomicalphabets，IamafraidIshouldoftenhavetowritedahntahnandcowcowasbeingatleastnearertotheactualsoundthandowntownandcocoa。AndthiswouldgivesuchoffencethatIshouldhavetoleavethecountry；fornothingannoysanativespeakerofEnglishmorethanafaithfulsettingdowninphoneticspellingofthesoundsheutters。HeimaginesthatadeparturefromconventionalspellingindicatesadeparturefromthecorrectstandardEnglishofgoodsociety。Alas!thiscorrectstandardEnglishofgoodsocietyisunknowntophoneticians。Itisonlyoneofthemanyfigmentsthatbewilderourpoorsnobbishbrains。Nosuchthingexists；butwhatdoesthatmattertopeopletrainedfrominfancytomakeapointofhonorofbeliefinabstractionsandincredibilities？AndsoIamcompelledtohideLadyCicely’sspeechundertheveilofconventionalorthography。
　　IneednotshieldDrinkwater，becausehewillneverreadmybook。
　　SoIhavetakenthelibertyofmakingaspecialexampleofhim，asfarasthatcanbedonewithoutaphoneticalphabet，forthebenefitofthemassofreadersoutsideLondonwhostillformtheirnotionsofcockneydialectonSamWeller。WhenIcametoLondonin1876，theSamWellerdialecthadpassedawaysocompletelythatI
　　shouldhavegivenitupasaliteraryfictionifIhadnotdiscovereditsurvivinginaMiddlesexvillage，andheardofitfromanEssexone。SometimeintheeightiesthelateAndrewTuercalledattentioninthePallMallGazettetoseveralpeculiaritiesofmoderncockney，andtotheobsolescenceoftheDickensdialectthatwasstillbeingcopiedfrombooktobookbyauthorswhoneverdreamtofusingtheirears，muchlessoftrainingthemtolisten。
　　ThencameMr。Anstey’scockneydialoguesinPunch，agreatadvance，andMr。Chevalier’scostersongsandpatter。TheTompkinsversescontributedbyMr。BarryPaintotheLondonDailyChroniclehavealsodonesomethingtobringtheliteraryconventionforcockneyEnglishuptodate。ButTompkinssometimesperpetrateshorriblesolecisms。Hewillpronouncefaceasfits，accuratelyenough；buthewillrhymeitquiteimpossiblytonice，whichTompkinswouldpronounceasnewts：forexampleMawlEnnRowdforMileEndRoad。Thisawfori，whichIhavemadeDrinkwateruse，isthelateststageoftheolddiphthongaloi，whichMr。Chevalierstilluses。Irish，ScotchandnorthcountryreadersmustrememberthatDrinkwater’srsareabsolutelyunpronouncedwhentheyfollowavowel，thoughtheymodifythevowelveryconsiderably。Thus，luggageispronouncedbyhimaslaggige，butturnisnotpronouncedastern，butasteunwiththeeusoundedasinFrench。
　　TheLondonrseemsthoroughlyunderstoodinAmerica，withtheresult，however，thattheuseoftherbyArtemusWardandotherAmericandialectwriterscausesIrishpeopletomisreadthemgrotesquely。Ioncesawthepronunciationofmalheureuxrepresentedinacockneyhandbookbymal—err—err：notatallabadmakeshifttoinstructaLondoner，butoutofthequestionelsewhereintheBritishIsles。InAmerica，representationsofEnglishspeechdwelltooderisivelyonthedroppedorinterpolatedh。AmericanwritershaveapparentlynotnoticedthefactthatthesouthEnglishhisnotthesameasthenever—droppedIrishandAmericanh，andthattoridiculeanEnglishmanfordroppingitisasabsurdastoridiculethewholeFrenchandItaliannationfordoingthesame。TheAmericanh，helpedoutbyageneralagreementtopronouncewhashw，istempestuouslyaudible，andcannotbedroppedwithoutbeingimmediatelymissed。TheLondonhissocomparativelyquietatalltimes，andsocompletelyinaudibleinwh，thatitprobablyfelloutofusesimplybyescapingtheearsofchildrenlearningtospeak。Howeverthatmaybe，itiskeptaliveonlybytheliterateclasseswhoareremindedconstantlyofitsexistencebyseeingitonpaper。
　　Roughlyspeaking，IshouldsaythatinEnglandhewhobothersabouthishsisafool，andhewhoridiculesadroppedhasnob。
　　Astotheinterpolatedh，myexperienceasaLondonvestrymanhasconvincedmethatitisofteneffectiveasameansofemphasis，andthattheLondonlanguagewouldbepoorerwithoutit。Theobjectiontoitisnomorerespectablethantheobjectionofastreetboytoablackmanortoaladyinknickerbockers。
　　Ihavemadeonlythemostperfunctoryattempttorepresentthedialectofthemissionary。ThereisnoliterarynotationforthegravemusicofgoodScotch。
　　BLACKDOWN，August1900