JOHNBULL。——Nowyouurgemetoofar;prithee，dearwife，holdthytongue。Supposeayoungheir，heedless，raw，andinexperienced，fullofspiritandvigour，withafavouritepassion，inthehandsofmoneyscriveners。Suchfellowsarelikeyourwire-drawingmills：
iftheygetholdofaman’sfingertheywillpullinhiswholebodyatlast，tilltheysqueezetheheart，blood，andgutsoutofhim。
WhenIwantedmoney，halfadozenofthesefellowswerealwayswaitinginmyante-chamberwiththeirsecuritiesreadydrawn。*I
wastemptedwiththeready，somefarmorotherwenttopot。I
receivedwithonehand，andpaiditawaywiththeothertolawyersthat，likesomanyhellhounds，werereadytodevourme。Thentherogueswouldpleadpovertyandscarcityofmoney，whichalwaysendedinreceivingninetyforthehundred。Aftertheyhadgotpossessionofmybestrentstheywereabletosupplymewithmyownmoney。
But，whatwasworse，whenIlookedintothesecuritiestherewasnoclauseofredemption。
*MethodsofpreyinguponthenecessitiesoftheGovernment。
MRS。BULL。——Noclauseofredemption，sayyou？That’shard。
JOHNBULL。——Nogreatmatter。ForIcannotpaythem。Theyhadgotaworsetrickthanthat。Thesamemanboughtandsoldtohimself，paidthemoney，andgavetheacquittance;thesamemanwasbutcherandgrazier，brewerandbutler，cookandpoulterer。Thereissomethingstillworsethanallthis。Therecametwentybillsuponmeatonce，whichIhadgivenmoneytodischarge。Iwasliketobepulledtopiecesbybrewer，butcher，andbaker;evenmyherb-womandunnedmeasIwentalongthestreets。ThankstomyfriendSirRoger，elseImusthavegonetojail。WhenIaskedthemeaningofthis，Iwastoldthemoneywenttothelawyers。"Counselwon’ttick，sir。"Hocuswasurging;mybook-keepersatsottingallday，playingatPutandAll-fours。Inshort，bygripingusurers，devouringlawyers，andnegligentservantsIambroughttothispass。
MRS。BULL。——Thiswashardusage。Butmethinkstheleastreflectionmighthaveretrievedyou。
JOHNBULL。——’Tistrue;yetconsidermycircumstances——myhonourwasengaged，andIdidnotknowhowtogetout。Besides，Iwasforfiveyearsoftendrunk，alwaysmuddled;theycarriedmefromtaverntotavern，toale-housesandbrandy-shops，andbroughtmeacquaintedwithsuchstrangedogs。"Theregoestheprettiestfellowintheworld，"saysone，"formanagingajury：makehimyours。There’sanothercanpickyouupwitnesses。Serjeantsuch-a-onehasasilvertongueatthebar。"*Ibelieve，intimeIshouldhaveretainedeverysinglepersonwithintheInnsofCourt。ThenightafteratrialItreatedthelawyers，theirwives，anddaughters，withfiddles，hautboys，drums，andtrumpets。Iwasalwayshot-headed。
Thentheyplacedmeinthemiddle，theattorneysandtheirclerksdancingaboutme，whoopingandholloing，"LongliveJohnBull，thegloryandsupportofthelaw！"
*Hiringstillmoretroops。
MRS。BULL。——Really，husband，youwentthroughaverynotablecourse。
JOHNBULL。——Oneofthethingsthatfirstalarmedmewasthattheyshowedaspiteagainstmypooroldmother。*"Lord，"quothI，"whatmakesyousojealousofapoor，old，innocentgentlewoman，thatmindsonlyherprayersandherPracticeofPiety？Shenevermeddlesinanyofyourconcerns。""Fob，"saythey，"toseeahandsome，brisk，genteelyoungfellowsomuchgovernedbyadotingoldwoman！
Doyouconsidershekeepsyououtofagoodjointure？Shehasthebestofyourestatesettleduponherforarent-charge。Hangher，oldthief！turnheroutofdoors，seizeherlands，andlethergotolawifshedares。""Softandfair，gentlemen，"quothI;"mymother’smymother，ourfamilyarenotofanunnaturaltemper。
ThoughIdon’ttakeallheradvice，Iwon’tseizeherjointure;longmaysheenjoyit，goodwoman;Idon’tgrudgeither。Sheallowsmenowandthenabraceofhundredsformylawsuit;that’sprettyfair。"Aboutthistimetheoldgentlewomanfellillofanoddsortofadistemper。**
*RailingagainsttheChurch。
**Carelessnessinformsanddiscipline。
Itbeganwithacoldnessandnumbnessinherlimbs，whichbydegreesaffectedthenerves（Ithinkthephysicianscallthem），seizedthebrain，andatlastendedinalethargy。Itbetrayeditselfatfirstinasortofindifferenceandcarelessnessinallheractions，coldnesstoherbestfriends，andanaversiontostirorgoaboutthecommonofficesoflife。She，thatwasthecleanliestcreatureintheworld，nevershranknowifyousetaclose-stoolunderhernose。Shethatwouldsometimesrattleoffherservantsprettysharply，nowifshesawthemdrink，orheardthemtalkprofanely，nevertookanynoticeofit。Insteadofherusualcharitiestodeservingpersons，shethrewawayhermoneyuponroaring，swearingbulliesandbeggars，thatwentaboutthestreets。*"Whatisthematterwiththeoldgentlewoman？"saideverybody;"sheneverusedtodointhismanner。"Atlastthedistempergrewmoreviolent，andthrewherdownrightintoravingfits，inwhichsheshriekedoutsoloudthatshedisturbedthewholeneighbourhood。**InherfitsshecalledupononeSirWilliam。***"Oh！SirWilliam，thouhastbetrayedme，killedme，stabbedme！See，see！Clumwithhisbloodyknife！Seizehim！seizehim！stophim！Beholdthefurywithherhissingsnakes！Where’smysonJohn？Ishewell，ishewell？Poorman！Ipityhim！"Andabundancemoreofsuchstrangestuff，thatnobodycouldmakeanythingof。
*Disposingofsomeprefermentstolibertineandunprincipledpersons。
**ThetooviolentclamouraboutthedangeroftheChurch。
***SirWilliam，acantnameofSirHumphry’sforLordTreasurerGodolphin。
Iknewlittleofthematter;forwhenIinquiredaboutherhealth，theanswerwasthatshewasinagoodmoderateway。Physiciansweresentforinhaste。SirRoger，withgreatdifficulty，broughtRatcliff;Garthcameuponthefirstmessage。Therewereseveralotherscalledin，but，asusualuponsuchoccasions，theydifferedstrangelyattheconsultation。Atlasttheydividedintotwoparties;onesidedwithGarth，theotherwithRatcliff。*Dr。Garthsaid，"Thiscaseseemstometobeplainlyhysterical;theoldwomaniswhimsical;itisacommonthingforyouroldwomentobeso;I’llpawnmylife，blisters，withthesteeldiet，willrecoverher。"
Otherssuggestedstrongpurgingandlettingofblood，becauseshewasplethoric。Somewentsofarastosaytheoldwomanwasmad，andnothingwouldbebetterthanalittlecorporalcorrection。
Ratcliffsaid，"Gentlemen，youaremistakeninthiscase;itisplainlyanacutedistemper，andshecannotholdoutthreedaysunlesssheissupportedwithstrongcordials。"Icameintotheroomwithagooddealofconcern，andaskedthemwhattheythoughtofmymother？"Innomannerofdanger，IvowtoGod，"quothGarth;"theoldwomanishysterical，fanciful，sir，IvowtoGod。""Itellyou，sir，"saysRatcliff，"shecannotlivethreedaystoanend，unlessthereissomeveryeffectualcoursetakenwithher;shehasamalignantfever。"Then"fool，""puppy，"and"blockhead，"werethebestwordstheygave。Icouldhardlyrestrainthemfromthrowingtheink-bottlesatoneanother’sheads。IforgottotellyouthatonepartyofthephysiciansdesiredIwouldtakemysisterPegintothehousetonurseher，buttheoldgentlewomanwouldnothearofthat。Atlastonephysicianaskediftheladyhadeverbeenusedtotakelaudanum？Hermaidanswered，notthatsheknew;but，indeed，therewasaHighGermanliverymanofhers，oneVanPtschirnsooker，**
thatgaveherasortofaquackpowder。Thephysiciandesiredtoseeit。"Nay，"sayshe，"thereisopiuminthis，Iamsure。"
*Garth，theLowChurchparty。Ratcliff，HighChurchparty。
**VanPtschirnsooker，abishopatthattime，agreatdealerinpoliticsandphysic。
MRS。BULL。——Ihopeyouexaminedalittleintothismatter？
JOHNBULL。——Idid，indeed，anddiscoveredagreatmysteryofiniquity。Thewitnessesmadeoaththattheyhadheardsomeoftheliverymen*frequentlyrailingattheirmistress。Theysaidshewasatroublesomefiddle-faddleoldwoman，andsoceremoniousthattherewasnobearingofher。Theyweresoplaguedwithbowingandcringingastheywentinandoutoftheroomthattheirbacksached。
Sheusedtoscoldatoneforhisdirtyshoes，atanotherforhisgreasyhairandnotcombinghishead。Thenshewassopassionateandfieryinhertemperthattherewasnolivingwithher。Shewantedsomethingtosweetenherblood。Thattheyneverhadaquietnight’srestforgettingupinthemorningtoearlySacraments。
Theywishedtheycouldfindsomewayoranothertokeeptheoldwomanquietinherbed。Suchdiscourseswereoftenoverheardamongtheliverymen，whilethesaidVanPtschirnsookerhadundertookthismatter。Amaidmadeaffidavit"ThatshehadseenthesaidVanPtschirnsooker，oneoftheliverymen，frequentlymakingupofmedicinesandadministeringthemtoalltheneighbours;thatshesawhimonemorningmakeupthepowderwhichhermistresstook;thatshehadthecuriositytoaskhimwhencehehadtheingredients。’Theycome，’sayshe，’fromseveralpartsofdeworld。DisIhavefromGeneva，datfromRome，thiswhitepowderfromAmsterdam，andtheredfromEdinburgh，butthechiefingredientofallcomesfromTurkey。"
ItwaslikewiseprovedthatthesaidVanPtschirnsookerhadbeenfrequentlyseenatthe"Rose"withJack，whowasknowntobearaninveteratespitetohismistress。Thathebroughtacertainpowdertohismistresswhichtheexaminantbelievestobethesame，andspokethefollowingwords：——"Madam，hereisgrandsecretvandeworld，mysweeteningpowder;itdoestemperatedehumour，dispelthewindt，andcuredevapour;itlullethandquieteththeanimalspirits，procuringrestandpleasantdreams。Itisdeinfalliblereceiptfordescurvy，allheatsindebloodt，andbreakingoutupondeskin。Itisdetruebloodstancher，stoppingallfluxesofdeblood。Ifyoudotakedis，youwillneverailanyding;itwillcureyouofalldiseases。"Andabundancemoretothispurpose，whichtheexaminantdoesnotremember。
*Theclergy。
JohnBullwasinterruptedinhisstorybyaporter，thatbroughthimaletterfromNicholasFrog，whichisasfollows。
CHAPTERIX。
ACopy*ofNic。Frog’sLettertoJohnBull。
[JohnBullreads。]
FRIENDJOHN，——WhatschellumisitthatmakestheejealousofthyoldfriendNicholas？Hastthouforgothowsomeyearsagohetooktheeoutofthesponging-house？**[’Tistrue，myfriendNic。didso，andIthankhim;buthemademepayaswingingreckoning。]Thoubeginnestnowtorepentthybargainthatthouwastsofondof;and，ifthoudurst，wouldforswearthyownhandandseal。Thousayestthatthouhastpurchasedmetoogreatanestatealready，when，atthesametime，thouknowestIhaveonlyamortgage。’TistrueI
havepossession，andthetenantsownmeformaster;buthasnotEsquireSouththeequityofredemption？[Nodoubt，andwillredeemitveryspeedily;poorNic。hasonlypossession——elevenpointsofthelaw。]Asfortheturnpikes***Ihavesetup，theyareforotherpeople，notformyfriendJohn。Ihaveorderedmyservantconstantlytoattend，toletthycarriagesthroughwithoutpayinganything;onlyIhopethouwiltnotcometooheavyladentospoilmyways。CertainlyIhavejustcauseofoffenceagainstthee，myfriend，forsupposingitpossiblethatthouandIshouldeverquarrel。Whathoundsfootisitthatputsthesewhimsinthyhead？
Tenthousandlastofdevilshaulme，ifIdon’tlovetheeasIlovemylife。[Noquestion，astheDevillovesholy-water！]DoesnotthyownhandandsealobligetheetopurchaseformetillIsayitisenough？Arenotthesewordsplain？Isayitisnotenough。
DostthouthinkthyfriendNicholasFrogmadeachild’sbargain？
Markthewordsofthycontract，totapecunia（withallthymoney）。
[Verywell！Ihavepurchasedwithmyownmoney，mychildren’sandmygrandchildren’smoney——isnotthatenough？Well，totapecunialetitbe，foratpresentIhavenoneatall;hewouldnothavemepurchasewithotherpeople’smoney，sure？Sincetotapecuniaisthebargain，Ithinkitisplain——nomoremoney，nomorepurchase。]Andwhatevertheworldmaysay，NicholasFrogisbutapoormanincomparisonoftherich，theopulentJohnBull，greatclothieroftheworld。Ihavehadmanylosses，sixofmybestsheepweredrowned，andthewaterhascomeintomycellar，andspoiledapipeofmybestbrandy。Itwouldbeamorefriendlyactintheetocarryabriefaboutthecountrytorepairthelossesofthypoorfriend。IsitnotevidenttoalltheworldthatIamstillhemmedinbyLewisBaboon？Ishenotjustuponmyborders？[AndsohewillbeifI
purchaseathousandacresmore，unlesshegetssomebodybetwixtthem。]Itellthee，friendJohn，thouhastflatterersthatpersuadetheethatthouartamanofbusiness;donotbelievethem。Ifthouwouldststillleavethyaffairsinmyhands，thoushouldstseehowhandsomelyIwoulddealbythee。ThateverthoushouldstbedazzledwiththeenchantedislandsandmountainsofgoldthatoldLewispromisesthee！’Dswounds！whydostthounotlayoutthymoneytopurchaseaplaceatcourtofhonestIsrael？Itellthee，thoumustnotsomuchasthinkofacomposition。[Notthinkofacomposition;
that’shardindeed;Ican’thelpthinkingofit，ifIwould。]Thoucomplainestofwantofmoney——letthywifeanddaughtersburnthegoldlaceoftheirpetticoats;sellthyfatcattle;retrenchbutasirloinofbeefandapeck-loafinaweekfromthygormandising。
[Retrenchmybeef——adog！Retrenchmybeef;thenitisplaintherascalhasanilldesignuponme——hewouldstarveme。]MortgagethymanorofBullock’sHatch，orpawnthycropfortenyears。[Arogue！
partwithmycountry-seat，mypatrimony，allthatIhaveleftintheworld;I’llseehimhangedfirst。]Whyhastthouchangedthyattorney？Cananymanmanagethycausebetterforthee？[Verypleasant！becauseamanhasagoodattorney，hemustnevermakeanendofhislaw-suit。]Ah，John！John！Iwishthouknewestthineownmind。Thouartasfickleasthewind。Itellthee，thouhadstbetterletthiscompositionalone，orleaveittothyLovingfriend，Nic。FROG。
*AletterfromtheStates-General。
**AlludingtotheRebellion。
***TheDutchprohibitionoftrade。
CHAPTERX。OfsomeextraordinaryThings*thatpassedatthe"Salutation"Tavern，intheConferencebetweenBull，Frog，EsquireSouth，andLewisBaboon。
*TheTreatyofUtrecht：thedifficultytogetthemtomeet。Whenmet，theDutchwouldnotspeaktheirsentiments，northeFrenchdeliverintheirproposals。TheHouseofAustriatalkedveryhigh。
Froghadgivenhiswordthathewouldmeettheabove-mentionedcompanyatthe"Salutation，"totalkofthisagreement。Thoughhedurstnotdirectlybreakhisappointment，hemademanyashufflingexcuse：onetimehepretendedtobeseizedwiththegoutinhisrightknee;thenhegotagreatcold，thathadstruckhimdeafofoneear;afterwardstwoofhiscoach-horsesfellsick，andhedurstnotgobywater，forfearofcatchinganague。Johnwouldtakenoexcuse，buthurriedhimaway。"Come，Nic。，"sayshe，"let’sgoandhearatleast...剩余内容请长按扫描二维码或下载丁香书院APP继续免费看：
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