InsomeofhisbilletshetoldLewis"ThatJohnBullwasunderhisguardianship;thatthebestpartofhisservantswereathiscommand;thathecouldhaveJohngaggedandboundwheneverhepleasedbythepeopleofhisownfamily。"Inalltheseepistles，blockhead，dunce，ass，coxcomb，werethebestepithetshegavepoorJohn。Inothershethreatened，*"Thathe，EsquireSouth，andtherestofthetradesmen，wouldlayLewisdownuponhisbackandbeatouthisteethifhedidnotretireimmediatelyandbreakuptheMeeting。"
　　*ThreateningthattheallieswouldcarryonthewarwithoutthehelpoftheEnglish。
　　IfancyIneednottellmyreaderthatJohnoftenchangedcolourasheread，andthathisfingersitchedtogiveNic。agoodslaponthechops，buthewiselymoderatedhischolerictemper。*"Isavedthisfellow，"quothhe，"fromthegallowswhenheranawayfromhislastmaster，becauseIthoughthewasharshlytreated;buttheroguewasnosoonersafeundermyprotectionthanhebegantolie，pilfer，andsteallikethedevil。WhenIfirstsethimupinawarmhousehehadhardlyputuphissignwhenhebegantodebauchmybestcustomersfromme。*Thenitwashisconstantpracticetorobmyfish-ponds，notonlytofeedhisfamily，buttotradewiththefishmongers。Iconnivedatthefellowtillhebegantotellmethattheywerehisasmuchasmine。Inmymanorof*Eastcheap，becauseitlayatsomedistancefrommyconstantinspection，hebrokedownmyfences，robbedmyorchards，andbeatmyservants。
　　*ComplaintsagainsttheDutchforencroachmentintrade，fishery，EastIndies，etc。ThewarwiththeDutchontheseaccounts。
　　"WhenIusedtoreprimandhimforhistrickshewouldtalksaucily，lie，andbrazenitoutasifhehaddonenothingamiss。’Willnothingcuretheeofthypranks，Nic。？’quothI;’Ishallbeforcedsometimeorothertochastisethee。’Theroguegotuphiscaneandthreatenedme，andwaswellthwackedforhispains。ButIthinkhisbehaviouratthistimeworstofall;afterIhavealmostdrownedmyselftokeephisheadabovewater，hewouldleavemestickinginthemud，trustingtohisgoodnesstohelpmeout。AfterIhavebeggaredmyselfwithhistroublesomelawsuit，withaplaguetohim！
　　hetakesitinmightydudgeonbecauseIhavebroughthimheretoendmattersamicably，andbecauseIwon’tlethimmakemeoverbydeedandindentureashislawfulcully，whichtomycertainknowledgehehasattemptedseveraltimes。But，afterall，canstthougathergrapesfromthorns？Nic。doesnotpretendtobeagentleman;heisatradesman，aself-seekingwretch。Buthowcamestthoutohearallthis，John？Thereasonisplain;thouconferrestthebenefitsandhereceivesthem;thefirstproduceslove，andthelastingratitude。
　　AhNic。，Nic。，thouartadamneddog，that’scertain;thouknowesttoowellthatIwilltakecareofthee，elsethouwouldstnotusemethus。Iwon’tgivetheeup，itistrue;butastrueasitis，thoushaltnotsellme，accordingtothylaudablecustom。"WhileJohnwasdeepinthissoliloquyNic。brokeoutintothefollowingprotestation：——
　　"Gentlemen，——Ibelieveeverybodyherepresentwillallowmetobeaveryjustanddisinterestedperson。MyfriendJohnBullhereisveryangrywithme，forsooth，becauseIwon’tagreetohisfoolishbargains。NowIdeclaretoallmankindIshouldbereadytosacrificemyownconcernstohisquiet，butthecareofhisinterest，andthatofthehonesttradesmen*thatareembarkedwithus，keepsmefromenteringintothiscomposition。Whatshallbecomeofthosepoorcreatures？Thethoughtsoftheirimpendingruindisturbmynight’srest;thereforeIdesiretheymayspeakforthemselves。Iftheyarewillingtogiveupthisaffair，Isha’n’tmaketwowordsofit。"
　　*TheAllies。
　　JohnBullbeggedhimtolayasidethatimmoderateconcernforhim，andwithalputhiminmindthattheinterestofthosetradesmenhadnotsatquitesoheavyuponhimsomeyearsagoonalikeoccasion。
　　Nic。answeredlittletothat，butimmediatelypulledoutaboatswain’swhistle。Uponthefirstwhiffthetradesmencamejumpingintotheroom，andbegantosurroundLewislikesomanyyelpingcursaboutagreatboar;or，touseamodestersimile，likedunsatagreatlord’sleveethemorninghegoesintothecountry。
　　Onepulledhimbyhissleeve，anotherbytheskirt，athirdhallooedintheear。Theybegantoaskhimforallthathadbeentakenfromtheirforefathersbystealth，fraud，force，orlawfulpurchase。
　　Someaskedformanors，othersforacresthatlayconvenientforthem;thathewouldpulldownhisfences，levelhisditches。Allagreedinonecommondemandthatheshouldbepurged，sweated，vomited，andstarved，tillhecametoasizeablebulklikethatofhisneighbours。Onemodestlyaskedhimleavetocallhimbrother。
　　Nic。Frogdemandedtwothings——tobehisporterandhisfishmonger，tokeepthekeysofhisgatesandfurnishthekitchen。John’ssisterPegonlydesiredthathewouldlethisservantssingpsalmsa-Sundays。Somedescendedeventotheaskingofoldclothes，shoesandboots，brokenbottles，tobacco-pipes，andendsofcandles。
　　"MonsieurBull，"quothLewis，"youseemtobeamanofsomebreeding;forGod’ssakeuseyourinterestwiththeseMessieurs，thattheywouldspeakbutoneatonce;forifonehadahundredpairofhands，andasmanytongues，hecannotsatisfythemallatthisrate。"Johnbeggedtheymightproceedwithsomemethod;thentheystoppedallofasuddenandwouldnotsayaword。"Ifthisbeyourplay，"quothJohn，"thatwemaynotbelikeaQuaker’sdumbmeeting，letusbeginsomediversion;whatd’yethinkofrouly-poulyoracountrydance？Whatifweshouldhaveamatchatfootball？Iamsureweshallneverendmattersatthisrate。"
　　CHAPTERXVI。HowJohnBullandNic。FrogsettledtheirAccounts。
　　JOHNBULL。——Duringthisgeneralcessationoftalk，whatifyouandI，Nic。，shouldinquirehowmoneymattersstandbetweenus？
　　NIC。FROG。——Withallmyheart;Iloveexactdealing。AndletHocusaudit;heknowshowthemoneywasdisbursed。
　　JOHNBULL。——Iamnotmuchforthatatpresent;we’llsettleitbetweenourselves。Fairandsquare，Nic。，keepsfriendstogether。
　　Therehavebeenlaidoutinthislawsuit，atonetime，36，OOOpoundsand4O，OOOcrowns。InsomecasesI，inothersyou，bearthegreatestproportion。
　　NICFROG。——Right;Ipaythree-fifthsofthegreatestnumber，andyoupaytwo-thirdsofthelessernumber。Ithinkthisisfairandsquare，asyoucallit。
　　JOHNBULL。——Well，goon。
　　NICFROG。——Two-thirdsof36，OOOpoundsare24，OOOpoundsforyourshare，andthereremains12，OOOformine。Again，ofthe4O，OOO
　　crownsIpay24，OOO，whichisthree-fifths，andyoupayonly16，OOO，whichistwo-fifths;24，OOOcrownsmake6，OOOpounds，and16，OOO
　　crownsmake4，OOOpounds;12，OOOand16，OOOmake18，OOO，24，OOOand4，OOOmake28，OOO。Sothereare18，OOOpoundstomyshareoftheexpenses，and28，OOOtoyours。
　　AfterNic。hadbamboozledJohnawhileaboutthe18，OOOandthe28，OOO，Johncalledforcounters;butwhatwithsleightofhand，andtakingfromhisownscoreandaddingtoJohn’s，Nic。broughtthebalancealwaysonhisownside。
　　JOHNBULL。——Nay，goodfriendNic。，thoughIamnotquitesonimbleinthefingers，Iunderstandcipheringaswellasyou。Iwillproduceyoumyaccountsonebyone，fairlywritoutofmyownbooks;
　　andhereIbeginwiththefirst。YoumustexcusemeifIdon’tpronouncethelawtermsright。
　　[Johnreads。]
　　Fortheexpensesordinaryofthesuits，feestojudges，puisnejudges，lawyersinnumerableofallsorts：——
　　Ofextraordinaries，asfollowsperaccount……
　　ToEsquireSouth’saccountforpostterminums……
　　Todittofornonestfactums……
　　Todittofornoliprosequis，discontinuance，andretraxit……
　　Forwritsoferror……
　　Suitsofconditionsunperformed……
　　ToHocusfordedimusprotestatem……
　　Todittoforacapiasadcomputandum……
　　ToFrog’snewtenantsperaccounttoHocus，forauditaquerelas……
　　Onthesaidaccountforwritsofejectmentanddistringas……
　　ToEsquireSouth’squotaforareturnofanonestinventandnullahabetbona……
　　To——-forapardoninformapauperis……
　　ToJackforameliusinquirendumuponafelo-de-se……
　　Tocoach-hire……
　　Fortreatstojuriesandwitnesses……
　　Johnhavingreadoverhisarticles，withtherespectivesums，broughtinFrogdebtortohimuponthebalance，3，382pounds12
　　shillings。
　　ThenNic。Frogpulledhisbilloutofhispocket，andbegantoread。
　　NicholasFrog’sAccount。
　　RemainstobedeductedoutoftheformerAccount。
　　PaidbyNic。Frogforhisshareoftheordinaryexpensesofthesuit……
　　ToHocusforentriesofaregeinconsulto……
　　ToJohnBull’snephewforavenirefacias，themoneynotyetalllaidout……
　　Thecoach-hireformywifeandfamily，andthecarriageofmygoodsduringthetimeofthislawsuit……
　　Fortheextraordinaryexpensesoffeedingmyfamilyduringthislawsuit……
　　ToMajorAb……
　　ToMajorWill……
　　Andsummingallup，founddueuponthebalancebyJohnBulltoNic。
　　Frog，9pounds4shillingsand6pence。
　　JOHNBULL。——Asforyourvenirefacias，Ihavepaidyouforonealready;intheotherIbelieveyouwillbenonsuited。I’lltakecareofmynephewmyself。Yourcoach-hireandfamilychargesaremostunreasonabledeductions;atthatrate，Icanbringinanymanintheworldmydebtor。Butwhothedevilarethosetwomajorsthatconsumeallmymoney？Ifindtheyalwaysrunawaywiththebalanceinallaccounts。
　　NIC。FROG。——Twoveryhonestgentlemen，Iassureyou，thathavedonemesomeservice。Totellyouplainly，MajorAb。denotesthygreaterability，andMajorWill。thygreaterwillingnesstocarryonthislawsuit。Itwasbutreasonablethoushouldstpaybothforthypowerandthypositiveness。
　　JOHNBULL。——IbelieveIshallhavethosetwohonestmajors’discountonmysideinalittletime。
　　NIC。FROG。——Whyallthishigglingwiththyfriendaboutsuchapaltrysum？DoesthisbecomethegenerosityofthenobleandrichJohnBull？Iwonderthouartnotashamed。Oh，Hocus！Hocus！whereartthou？Itusedtogoanother-guessmannerinthytime。Whenapoormanhasalmostundonehimselfforthysake，thouartforfleecinghim，andfleecinghim。Isthatthyconscience，John？
　　JOHNBULL。——Verypleasant，indeed！Itiswellknownthouretainestthylawyersbytheyear，soafreshlawsuitaddsbutlittletothyexpenses;theyarethycustomers;*Ihardlyeversellthemafarthing’s-worthofanything。Nay，thouhastsetupaneating-house，wherethewholetribeofthemspendalltheycanraporrun。Ifitwerewellreckoned，Ibelievethougettestmoreofmymoneythanthouspendestofthyown。However，ifthouwiltneedspleadpoverty，ownatleastthatthyaccountsarefalse。
　　*ThemoneyspentinHollandandFlanders。
　　NIC。FROG。——No，marrywon’tI;Irefermyselftothesehonestgentlemen——letthemjudgebetweenus。LetEsquireSouthspeakhismind，whethermyaccountsarenotright，andwhetherweoughtnottogoonwithourlawsuit。
　　JOHNBULL。——ConsultthebutchersaboutkeepingofLent。DostthinkthatJohnBullwillbetriedbypiepowders？Itellyou，onceforall，JohnBullknowswherehisshoepinches。Noneofyouresquiresshallgivehimthelawaslongashewearsthistrustyweaponbyhisside，orhasaninchofbroadclothinhisshop。
　　NIC。FROG。——Why，thereitis：youwillbebothjudgeandparty。I
　　amsorrythoudiscoverestsomuchofthyheadstronghumourbeforethesestrangegentlemen;Ihaveoftentoldtheeitwouldprovethyruinsometimeorother。LetitneverbesaidthatthefamousJohnBullhasdepartedindespiteofCourt。
　　JOHNBULL。——Andwillitnotreflectasmuchonthycharacter，Nic。，toturnbarretterinthyolddays——astirrer-upofquarrelsamongstthyneighbours？Itellthee，Nic。，sometimeorotherthouwiltrepentthis。
　　ButJohnsawclearlyheshouldhavenothingbutwrangling，andthatheshouldhaveaslittlesuccessinsettlinghisaccountsasendingthecomposition。"Sincetheywillneedsoverloadmyshoulders，"
　　quothJohn，"Ishallthrowdowntheburdenwithasquashamongstthem，takeitupwhodares。Amanhasafinetimeofitamongstacombinationofsharpersthatvouchforoneanother’shonesty。John，looktothyself;oldLewismakesreasonableoffers。Whenthouhastspentthesmallpittancethatisleft，thouwiltmakeagloriousfigurewhenthouartbroughttoliveuponNic。FrogandEsquireSouth’sgenerosityandgratitude。Iftheyusetheethuswhentheywantthee，whatwilltheydowhenthouwantestthem？Isayagain，John，looktothyself。"
　　Johnwiselystifledhisresentments，andtoldthecompanythatinalittletimeheshouldgivethemlaw，orsomethingbetter。
　　ALL。——*Law！law！sir，byallmeans。Whatistwenty-twopooryearstowardsthefinishingalawsuit？FortheloveofGod，morelaw，sir！
　　*Clamoursforcontinuingthewar。
　　JOHNBULL。——Prepareyourdemandshowmanyyearsmoreoflawyouwant，thatImayordermyaffairsaccordingly。Inthemeanwhile，farewell。
　　CHAPTERXVII。HowJohnBullfoundallhisFamilyinanUproaratHome。*
　　Nic。Frog，whothoughtofnothingbutcarryingJohntothemarket，andtheredisposingofhimashisownpropergoods，wasmadtofindthatJohnthoughthimselfnowofagetolookafterhisownaffairs。
　　Heresolvedtotraversethisnewproject，andtomakehimuneasyinhisownfamily。Hehadcorruptedordeludedmostofhisservantsintothemostextravagantconceitsintheworld：thattheirmasterwasrunmad，andworeadaggerinonepocketandpoisonintheother;thathehadsoldhiswifeandchildrentoLewis，disinheritedhisheir，andwasgoingtosettlehisestateuponaparish-boy;thatiftheydidnotlookaftertheirmaster，hewoulddosomeverymischievousthing。WhenJohncamehome，hefoundamoresurprisingscenethananyhehadyetmetwith，andthatyouwillsaywassomewhatextraordinary。
　　*Clamoursaboutthedangerofthesuccession。
　　Hecalledhiscook-maidBettytobespeakhisdinner。Bettytoldhim"Thatshebeggedhispardon，shecouldnotdressdinnertillsheknewwhatheintendedtodowithhiswill。""Why，Betty，"quothJohn，"thouartnotrunmad，artthou？Mywillatpresentistohavedinner。""Thatmaybe，"quothBetty，"butmyconsciencewon’tallowmetodressittillIknowwhetheryouintendtodorighteousthingsbyyourheir。""Iamsorryforthat，Betty，"quothJohn;"I
　　mustfindsomebodyelse，then。"ThenhecalledJohnthebarber。
　　"BeforeIbegin，"quothJohn，"Ihopeyourhonourwon’tbeoffendedifIaskyouwhetheryouintendtoalteryourwill？Ifyouwon’tgivemeapositiveansweryourbeardmaygrowdowntoyourmiddleforme。""’Igad，soitshall，"quothBull，"forIwillnevertrustmythroatinsuchamadfellow’shands。Where’sDickthebutler？"
　　"Lookye，"quothDick，"Iamverywillingtoserveyouinmycalling，d’yousee，buttherearestrangereports，andplain-dealingisbest，d’yesee。ImustbesatisfiedifyouintendtoleavealltoyournephewandifNic。Frogisstillyourexecutor，d’yesee。
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