Theword"Delay"enteredthesecretchamberofmybrain,resoundedtherelikeatollingbellwhichmaddenstheear,affectedallmysenses,tookonablackcolouring,abittertaste,adeadlymeaning。
"Iamreallysorrytoseeyouworriedlikethis。
Indeed,Iam……"
ItwastheonlyhumanespeechIusedtohearatthattime。Anditcamefromadoctor,ap-
propriatelyenough。
Adoctorishumanebydefinition。Butthatmanwassoinreality。Hisspeechwasnotprofessional。
Iwasnotill。Butotherpeoplewere,andthatwasthereasonofhisvisitingtheship。
HewasthedoctorofourLegationand,ofcourse,oftheConsulate,too。Helookedaftertheship’shealth,whichgenerallywaspoor,andtrembling,asitwere,onthevergeofabreak-up。Yes。Themenailed。Andthustimewasnotonlymoney,butlifeaswell。
Ihadneverseensuchasteadyship’scompany。
Asthedoctorremarkedtome:"Youseemtohaveamostrespectablelotofseamen。"Notonlyweretheyconsistentlysober,buttheydidnotevenwanttogoashore。Carewastakentoexposethemaslittleaspossibletothesun。Theywereemployedonlightworkundertheawnings。Andthehumanedoctorcommendedme。
"Yourarrangementsappeartometobeveryjudicious,mydearCaptain。"
Itisdifficulttoexpresshowmuchthatpro-
nouncementcomfortedme。Thedoctor’sround,fullfaceframedinalight-colouredwhiskerwastheperfectionofadignifiedamenity。Hewastheonlyhumanbeingintheworldwhoseemedtotaketheslightestinterestinme。Hewouldgenerallysitinthecabinforhalfanhourorsoateveryvisit。
Isaidtohimoneday:
"IsupposetheonlythingnowistotakecareofthemasyouaredoingtillIcangettheshiptosea?"
Heinclinedhishead,shuttinghiseyesunderthelargespectacles,andmurmured:
"Thesea……undoubtedly。"
Thefirstmemberofthecrewfairlyknockedoverwasthesteward——thefirstmantowhomIhadspokenonboard。Hewastakenashore(withcholericsymptoms)anddiedthereattheendofaweek。Then,whileIwasstillunderthestartlingimpressionofthisfirsthome-thrustoftheclimate,Mr。Burnsgaveupandwenttobedinaragingfeverwithoutsayingawordtoanybody。
Ibelievehehadpartlyfrettedhimselfintothatillness;theclimatedidtherestwiththeswiftnessofaninvisiblemonsterambushedintheair,inthewater,inthemudoftheriver-bank。Mr。Burnswasapredestinedvictim。
Idiscoveredhimlyingonhisback,glaringsul-
lenlyandradiatingheatononelikeasmallfurnace。
Hewouldhardlyanswermyquestions,andonlygrumbled。Couldn’tamantakeanafternoonoffdutywithabadheadache——foronce?
Thatevening,asIsatinthesaloonafterdinner,Icouldhearhimmutteringcontinuouslyinhisroom。Ransome,whowasclearingthetable,saidtome:
"Iamafraid,sir,Iwon’tbeabletogivethematealltheattentionhe’slikelytoneed。Iwillhavetobeforwardinthegalleyagreatpartofmytime。"
Ransomewasthecook。Thematehadpointedhimouttomethefirstday,standingonthedeck,hisarmscrossedonhisbroadchest,gazingontheriver。
Evenatadistancehiswell-proportionedfigure,somethingthoroughlysailor-likeinhispoise,madehimnoticeable。Onnearerviewtheintelligent,quieteyes,awell-bredface,thedisciplinedin-
dependenceofhismannermadeupanattractivepersonality。When,inaddition,Mr。Burnstoldmethathewasthebestseamanintheship,Iex-
pressedmysurprisethatinhisearliestprimeandofsuchappearanceheshouldsignonascookonboardaship。
"It’shisheart,"Mr。Burnshadsaid。"There’ssomethingwrongwithit。Hemustn’texerthim-
selftoomuchorhemaydropdeadsuddenly。"
Andhewastheonlyonetheclimatehadnottouched——perhapsbecause,carryingadeadlyenemyinhisbreast,hehadschooledhimselfintoasystematiccontroloffeelingsandmovements。
Whenonewasinthesecretthiswasapparentinhismanner。Afterthepoorstewarddied,andashecouldnotbereplacedbyawhitemaninthisOrientalport,Ransomehadvolunteeredtodothedoublework。
"Icandoitallright,sir,aslongasIgoaboutitquietly,"hehadassuredme。
Butobviouslyhecouldn’tbeexpectedtotakeupsick-nursinginaddition。Moreover,thedoctorperemptorilyorderedMr。Burnsashore。
Withaseamanoneachsideholdinghimupunderthearms,thematewentoverthegangwaymoresullenthanever。Webuilthimupwithpil-
lowsinthegharry,andhemadeanefforttosaybrokenly:
"Now——you’vegot——whatyouwanted——gotmeoutof——theship。"
"Youwerenevermoremistakeninyourlife,Mr。Burns,"Isaidquietly,dulysmilingathim;
andthetrapdroveofftoasortofsanatorium,apavilionofbrickswhichthedoctorhadinthegroundsofhisresidence。
IvisitedMr。Burnsregularly。Afterthefirstfewdays,whenhedidn’tknowanybody,here-
ceivedmeasifIhadcomeeithertogloatoveranenemyorelsetocurryfavourwithadeeplywrongedperson。Itwaseitheroneortheother,justasithappenedaccordingtohisfantasticsick-
roommoods。Whicheveritwas,hemanagedtoconveyittomeevenduringtheperiodwhenheap-
pearedalmosttooweaktotalk。Itreatedhimtomyinvariablekindliness。
Thenoneday,suddenly,asurgeofdownrightpanicburstthroughallthiscraziness。
IfIlefthimbehindinthisdeadlyplacehewoulddie。Hefeltit,hewascertainofit。ButI
wouldn’thavethehearttoleavehimashore。HehadawifeandchildinSydney。
Heproducedhiswastedforearmsfromunderthesheetwhichcoveredhimandclaspedhisfleshlessclaws。Hewoulddie!Hewoulddiehere……
Heabsolutelymanagedtositup,butonlyforamoment,andwhenhefellbackIreallythoughtthathewoulddiethereandthen。IcalledtotheBengalidispenser,andhastenedawayfromtheroom。
Nextdayheupsetmethoroughlybyrenewinghisentreaties。Ireturnedanevasiveanswer,andlefthimthepictureofghastlydespair。ThedayafterIwentinwithreluctance,andheattackedmeatonceinamuchstrongervoiceandwithanabundanceofargumentwhichwasquitestartling。
Hepresentedhiscasewithasortofcrazyvigour,andaskedmefinallyhowwouldIliketohaveaman’sdeathonmyconscience?HewantedmetopromisethatIwouldnotsailwithouthim。
IsaidthatIreallymustconsultthedoctorfirst。
Hecriedoutatthat。Thedoctor!Never!Thatwouldbeadeathsentence。
Theefforthadexhaustedhim。Heclosedhiseyes,butwentonramblinginalowvoice。Ihadhatedhimfromthestart。Thelatecaptainhadhatedhim,too。Hadwishedhimdead。Hadwishedallhandsdead……
"Whatdoyouwanttostandinwiththatwickedcorpsefor,sir?He’llhaveyou,too,"heended,blinkinghisglazedeyesvacantly。
"Mr。Burns,"Icried,verymuchdiscomposed,"whatonearthareyoutalkingabout?"
Heseemedtocometohimself,thoughhewastooweaktostart。
"Idon’tknow,"hesaidlanguidly。"Butdon’taskthatdoctor,sir。YouareIaresailors。Don’taskhim,sir。Somedayperhapsyouwillhaveawifeandchildyourself。"
AndagainhepleadedforthepromisethatI
wouldnotleavehimbehind。Ihadthefirmnessofmindnottogiveittohim。Afterwardthisstern-
nessseemedcriminal;formymindwasmadeup。
Thatprostratedman,withhardlystrengthenoughtobreatheandravagedbyapassionoffear,wasirresistible。And,besides,hehadhappenedtohitontherightwords。HeandIweresailors。Thatwasaclaim,forIhadnootherfamily。Astothewifeandchild(someday)argument,ithadnoforce。
Itsoundedmerelybizarre。
Icouldimaginenoclaimthatwouldbestrongerandmoreabsorbingthantheclaimofthatship,ofthesemensnaredintheriverbysillycommercialcomplications,asifinsomepoisonoustrap。
However,Ihadnearlyfoughtmywayout。Outtosea。Thesea——whichwaspure,safe,andfriendly。Threedaysmore。
Thatthoughtsustainedandcarriedmeonmywaybacktotheship。Inthesaloonthedoctor’svoicegreetedme,andhislargeformfollowedhisvoice,issuingoutofthestarboardsparecabinwheretheship’smedicinechestwaskeptsecurelylashedinthebed-place。
FindingthatIwasnotonboardhehadgoneinthere,hesaid,toinspectthesupplyofdrugs,bandages,andsoon。Everythingwascompletedandinorder。
Ithankedhim;Ihadjustbeenthinkingofaskinghimtodothatverything,asinacoupleofdays,asheknew,weweregoingtosea,whereallourtroublesofeverysortwouldbeoveratlast。
Helistenedgravelyandmadenoanswer。ButwhenIopenedtohimmymindastoMr。Burnshesatdownbymyside,and,layinghishandonmykneeamicably,beggedmetothinkwhatitwasI
wasexposingmyselfto。
Themanwasjuststrongenoughtobearbeingmovedandnomore。Buthecouldn’tstandare-
turnofthefever。Ihadbeforemeapassageofsixtydaysperhaps,beginningwithintricatenavi-
gationandendingprobablywithalotofbadweather。CouldIruntheriskofhavingtogothroughitsingle-handed,withnochiefofficerandwithasecondquiteayouth?……
Hemighthaveaddedthatitwasmyfirstcom-
mand,too。Hedidprobablythinkofthatfact,forhecheckedhimself。Itwasverypresenttomymind。
HeadvisedmeearnestlytocabletoSingaporeforachiefofficer,evenifIhadtodelaymysailingforaweek。
"Never,"Isaid。Theverythoughtgavemetheshivers。Thehandsseemedfairlyfit,allofthem,andthiswasthetimetogetthemaway。OnceatseaIwasnotafraidoffacinganything。Theseawasnowtheonlyremedyforallmytroubles。
Thedoctor’sglassesweredirectedatmeliketwolampssearchingthegenuinenessofmyresolution。
Heopenedhislipsasiftoarguefurther,butshutthemagainwithoutsayinganything。IhadavisionsovividofpoorBurnsinhisexhaustion,helplessness,andanguish,thatitmovedmemorethantherealityIhadcomeawayfromonlyanhourbefore。Itwaspurgedfromthedrawbacksofhispersonality,andIcouldnotresistit。
"Lookhere,"Isaid。"UnlessyoutellmeofficiallythatthemanmustnotbemovedI’llmakearrangementstohavehimbroughtonboardto-
morrow,andshalltaketheshipoutoftherivernextmorning,evenifIhavetoanchoroutsidethebarforacoupleofdaystogetherreadyforsea。"
"Oh!I’llmakeallthearrangementsmyself,"
saidthedoctoratonce。"IspokeasIdidonlyasafriend——asawell-wisher,andthatsortofthing。"
Heroseinhisdignifiedsimplicityandgavemeawarmhandshake,rathersolemnly,Ithought。Buthewasasgoodashisword。WhenMr。Burnsap-
pearedatthegangwaycarriedonastretcher,thedoctorhimselfwalkedbyitsside。Theprogrammehadbeenalteredinsofarthatthistransportationhadbeenlefttothelastmoment,ontheverymorn-
ingofourdeparture。
Itwasbarelyanhouraftersunrise。Thedoctorwavedhisbigarmtomefromtheshoreandwalkedbackatoncetohistrap,whichhadfollowedhimemptytotheriver-side。Mr。Burns,carriedacrossthequarter-deck,hadtheappearanceofbeingabsolutelylifeless。Ransomewentdowntosettlehiminhiscabin。Ihadtoremainondecktolookaftertheship,forthetughadgotholdofourtow-
ropealready。
Thesplashofourshore-fastsfallinginthewaterproducedacompletechangeoffeelinginme。Itwasliketheimperfectreliefofawakeningfromanightmare。Butwhentheship’sheadswungdowntheriverawayfromthattown,Orientalandsqualid,Imissedtheexpectedelationofthatstriven-formoment。Whattherewas,un-
doubtedly,wasarelaxationoftensionwhichtrans-
lateditselfintoasenseofwearinessafteranin-
gloriousfight。
Aboutmiddayweanchoredamileoutsidethebar。Theafternoonwasbusyforallhands。
Watchingtheworkfromthepoop,whereIre-
mainedallthetime,Idetectedinitsomeofthelanguorofthesixweeksspentinthesteamingheatoftheriver。Thefirstbreezewouldblowthataway。Nowthecalmwascomplete。Ijudgedthatthesecondofficer——acallowyouthwithanunpromisingface——wasnot,toputitmildly,ofthatinvaluablestufffromwhichacommander’srighthandismade。ButIwasgladtocatchalongthemaindeckafewsmilesonthoseseamen’sfacesatwhichIhadhardlyhadtimetohaveagoodlookasyet。Havingthrownoffthemortalcoilofshoreaffairs,Ifeltmyselffamiliarwiththemandyetalittlestrange,likealong-lostwandereramonghiskin。
Ransomeflittedcontinuallytoandfrobetweenthegalleyandthecabin。Itwasapleasuretolookathim。Themanpositivelyhadgrace。Healoneofallthecrewhadnothadaday’sillnessinport。ButwiththeknowledgeofthatuneasyheartwithinhisbreastIcoulddetecttherestraintheputonthenaturalsailor-likeagilityofhismovements。Itwasasthoughhehadsomethingveryfragileorveryexplosivetocarryabouthispersonandwasallthetimeawareofit。
Ihadoccasiontoaddresshimonceortwice。Heansweredmeinhispleasant,quietvoiceandwithafaint,slightlywistfulsmile。Mr。Burnsappearedtoberesting。Heseemedfairlycomfortable。
AftersunsetIcameoutondeckagaintomeetonlyastillvoid。Thethin,featurelesscrustofthecoastcouldnotbedistinguished。Thedarknesshadrisenaroundtheshiplikeamysteriousemana-
tionfromthedumbandlonelywaters。Ileanedontherailandturnedmyeartotheshadowsofthenight。Notasound。Mycommandmighthavebeenaplanetflyingvertiginouslyonitsappointedpathinaspaceofinfinitesilence。Iclungtotherailasifmysenseofbalancewereleavingmeforgood。Howabsurd。Ifailednervously。
"Ondeckthere!"
Theimmediateanswer,"Yes,sir,"brokethespell。Theanchor-watchmanranupthepoopladdersmartly。Itoldhimtoreportatoncetheslightestsignofabreezecoming。
GoingbelowIlookedinonMr。Burns。Infact,Icouldnotavoidseeinghim,forhisdoorstoodopen。Themanwassowastedthat,inthiswhitecabin,underawhitesheet,andwithhisdiminishedheadsunkinthewhitepillow,hisredmoustachescapturedtheireyesexclusively,likesomethingarti-
ficial——apairofmoustachesfromashopexhibitedthereintheharshlightofthebulkhead-lampwithoutashade。
WhileIstaredwithasortofwonderheassertedhimselfbyopeninghiseyesandevenmovingtheminmydirection。Aminutestir。
"Deadcalm,Mr。Burns,"Isaidresignedly。
InanunexpectedlydistinctvoiceMr。Burnsbe-
ganaramblingspeech。Itstonewasverystrange,notasifaffectedbyhisillness,butasifofadiffer-
entnature。Itsoundedunearthly。Astothematter,Iseemedtomakeoutthatitwasthefaultofthe"oldman"——thelatecaptain——ambusheddownthereundertheseawithsomeevilintention。
Itwasaweirdstory。
Ilistenedtotheend;thensteppingintothecabinIlaidmyhandonthemate’sforehead。Itwascool。Hewaslight-headedonlyfromextremeweakness。Suddenlyheseemedtobecomeawareofme,andinhisownvoice——ofcourse,veryfeeble——heaskedregretfully:
"Istherenochanceatalltogetunderway,sir?"
"What’sthegoodoflettinggoourholdofthegroundonlytodrift,Mr。Burns?"Ianswered。
HesighedandIlefthimtohisimmobility。Hisholdonlifewasasslenderashisholdonsanity。I
wasoppressedbymylonelyresponsibilities。I
wentintomycabintoseekreliefinafewhours’
sleep,butalmostbeforeIclosedmyeyesthemanondeckcamedownreportingalightbreeze。
Enoughtogetunderwaywith,hesaid。
Anditwasnomorethanjustenough。Iorderedthewindlassmanned,thesailsloosed,andthetop-
sailsset。ButbythetimeIhadcasttheshipI
couldhardlyfeelanybreathofwind。Neverthe-
less,Itrimmedtheyardsandputeverythingonher。Iwasnotgoingtogiveuptheattempt。
part2-1ChapterIV
WITHheranchoratthebowandclothedincanvastoherverytrucks,mycommandseemedtostandasmotionlessasamodelshipsetonthegleamsandshadowsofpolishedmarble。Itwasimpossibletodistinguishlandfromwaterintheenigmaticaltranquillityoftheimmenseforcesoftheworld。
Asuddenimpatiencepossessedme。
"Won’tsheanswerthehelmatall?"Isaidirritablytothemanwhosestrongbrownhandsgraspingthespokesofthewheelstoodoutlightedonthedarkness;likeasymbolofmankind’sclaimtothedirectionofitsownfate。
Heansweredme。
"Yes,sir。She’scoming-toslowly。"
"Letherheadcomeuptosouth。"
"Aye,aye,sir。"
Ipacedthepoop。Therewasnotasoundbutthatofmyfootsteps,tillthemanspokeagain。
"Sheisatsouthnow,sir。"
IfeltaslighttightnessofthechestbeforeIgaveoutthefirstcourseofmyfirstcommandtothesilentnight,heavywithdewandsparklingwithstars。Therewasafinalityintheactcommit-
tingmetotheendlessvigilanceofmylonelytask。
"Steadyherheadatthat,"Isaidatlast。"Thecourseissouth。"
"South,sir,"echoedtheman。
Isentbelowthesecondmateandhiswatchandremainedincharge,walkingthedeckthroughthechill,somnolenthoursthatprecedethedawn。
Slightpuffscameandwent,andwhenevertheywerestrongenoughtowakeuptheblackwaterthemurmuralongsideranthroughmyveryheartinadelicatecrescendoofdelightanddiedawayswiftly。
Iwasbitterlytired。Theverystarsseemedwearyofwaitingfordaybreak。Itcameatlastwithamother-of-pearlsheenatthezenith,suchasIhadneverseenbeforeinthetropics,unglowing,almostgray,withastrangereminderofhighlatitudes。
Thevoiceofthelook-outmanhailedfromfor-
ward:
"Landontheportbow,sir。"
"Allright。"
LeaningontherailIneverevenraisedmyeyes。
Themotionoftheshipwasimperceptible。Pres-
entlyRansomebroughtmethecupofmorningcoffee。AfterIhaddrunkitIlookedahead,andinthestillstreakofverybrightpaleorangelightI
sawthelandprofiledflatlyasifcutoutofblackpaperandseemingtofloatonthewateraslightascork。Buttherisingsunturneditintomeredarkvapour,adoubtful,massiveshadowtremblinginthehotglare。
Thewatchfinishedwashingdecks。Iwentbe-
lowandstoppedatMr。Burns’door(hecouldnotbeartohaveitshut),buthesitatedtospeaktohimtillhemovedhiseyes。Igavehimthenews。
"SightedCapeLiantatdaylight。Aboutfifteenmiles。"
Hemovedhislipsthen,butIheardnosoundtillIputmyeardown,andcaughtthepeevishcomment:"Thisiscrawling……Noluck。"
"Betterluckthanstandingstill,anyhow,"I
pointedoutresignedly,andlefthimtowhateverthoughtsorfancieshauntedhisawfulimmobility。
Laterthatmorning,whenrelievedbymysecondofficer,IthrewmyselfonmycouchandforsomethreehoursorsoIreallyfoundoblivion。ItwassoperfectthatonwakingupIwonderedwhereIwas。
Thencametheimmensereliefofthethought:onboardmyship!Atsea!Atsea!
Throughtheport-holesIbeheldanunruffled,sun-smittenhorizon。Thehorizonofawindlessday。Butitsspaciousnessalonewasenoughtogivemeasenseofafortunateescape,amomentaryexultationoffreedom。
Isteppedoutintothesaloonwithmyheartlighterthanithadbeenfordays。Ransomewasatthesideboardpreparingtolaythetableforthefirstseadinnerofthepassage。Heturnedhishead,andsomethinginhiseyescheckedmymodestelation。
InstinctivelyIasked:"Whatisitnow?"notex-
pectingintheleasttheanswerIgot。Itwasgivenwiththatsortofcontainedserenitywhichwascharacteristicoftheman。
"Iamafraidwehaven’tleftallsicknessbehindus,sir。"
"Wehaven’t!What’sthematter?"
Hetoldmethenthattwoofourmenhadbeentakenbadwithfeverinthenight。Oneofthemwasburningandtheotherwasshivering,buthethoughtthatitwasprettymuchthesamething。
Ithoughtso,too。Ifeltshockedbythenews。
"Oneburning,theothershivering,yousay?No。
Wehaven’tleftthesicknessbehind。Dotheylookveryill?"
"Middlingbad,sir。"Ransome’seyesgazedsteadilyintomine。Weexchangedsmiles。Ran-
some’salittlewistful,asusual,minenodoubtgrimenough,tocorrespondwithmysecretexasperation。
Iasked:
"Wasthereanywindatallthismorning?"
"Canhardlysaythat,sir。We’vemovedallthetimethough。Thelandaheadseemsalittlenearer。"
Thatwasit。Alittlenearer。Whereasifwehadonlyhadalittlemorewind,onlyaverylittlemore,wemight,weshould,havebeenabreastofLiantbythistimeandincreasingourdistancefromthatcontaminatedshore。Anditwasnotonlythedistance。Itseemedtomethatastrongerbreezewouldhaveblownawaythecontaminationwhichclungtotheship。Itobviouslydidclingtotheship。Twomen。Oneburning,oneshivering。I
feltadistinctreluctancetogoandlookatthem。
Whatwasthegood?Poisonispoison。Tropicalfeveristropicalfever。Butthatitshouldhavestretcheditsclawafterusovertheseaseemedtomeanextraordinaryandunfairlicense。Icouldhardlybelievethatitcouldbeanythingworsethanthelastdesperatepluckoftheevilfromwhichwewereescapingintothecleanbreathofthesea。Ifonlythatbreathhadbeenalittlestronger。How-
ever,therewasthequinineagainstthefever。I
wentintothesparecabinwherethemedicinechestwaskepttopreparetwodoses。Iopeneditfulloffaithasamanopensamiraculousshrine。Theupperpartwasinhabitedbyacollectionofbottles,allsquare-shoulderedandaslikeeachotheraspeas。Underthatorderlyarraythereweretwodrawers,stuffedasfullofthingsasonecouldim-
agine——paperpackages,bandages,cardboardboxesofficiallylabelled。Thelowerofthetwo,inoneofitscompartments,containedourprovisionofquinine。
Therewerefivebottles,allroundandallofasize。Onewasaboutathirdfull。Theotherfourremainedstillwrappedupinpaperandsealed。
ButIdidnotexpecttoseeanenvelopelyingontopofthem。Asquareenvelope,belonging,infact,totheship’sstationery。
ItlaysothatIcouldseeitwasnotcloseddown,andonpickingitupandturningitoverIperceivedthatitwasaddressedtomyself。Itcontainedahalf-sheetofnotepaper,whichIunfoldedwithaqueersenseofdealingwiththeuncanny,butwith-
outanyexcitementaspeoplemeetanddoex-
traordinarythingsinadream。
"MydearCaptain,"itbegan,butIrantothesignature。Thewriterwasthedoctor。Thedatewasthatofthedayonwhich,returningfrommyvisittoMr。Burnsinthehospital,Ihadfoundtheexcellentdoctorwaitingformeinthecabin;andwhenhetoldmethathehadbeenputtingintimeinspectingthemedicinechestforme。Howbizarre!Whileexpectingmetocomeinatanymomenthehadbeenamusinghimselfbywritingmealetter,andthenasIcameinhadhastenedtostuffitintothemedicine-chestdrawer。Aratherincredibleproceeding。Iturnedtothetextinwonder。
Inalarge,hurried,butlegiblehandthegood,sympatheticmanforsomereason,eitherofkind-
nessormorelikelyimpelledbytheirresistiblede-
siretoexpresshisopinion,withwhichhedidn’twanttodampmyhopesbefore,waswarningmenottoputmytrustinthebeneficialeffectsofachangefromlandtosea。"Ididn’twanttoaddtoyourworriesbydiscouragingyourhopes,"hewrote。"Iamafraidthat,medicallyspeaking,theendofyourtroublesisnotyet。"Inshort,heex-
pectedmetohavetofightaprobablereturnoftropicalillness。FortunatelyIhadagoodpro-
visionofquinine。Ishouldputmytrustinthat,andadministeritsteadily,whentheship’shealthwouldcertainlyimprove。
Icrumpleduptheletterandrammeditintomypocket。Ransomecarriedofftwobigdosestothemenforward。Astomyself,Ididnotgoondeckasyet。IwentinsteadtothedoorofMr。Burns’
room,andgavehimthatnews,too。
Itwasimpossibletosaytheeffectithadonhim。
AtfirstIthoughtthathewasspeechless。Hisheadlaysunkinthepillow。Hemovedhislipsenough,however,toassuremethathewasgettingmuchstronger;astatementshockinglyuntrueonthefaceofit。
ThatafternoonItookmywatchasamatterofcourse。Agreatover-heatedstillnessenvelopedtheshipandseemedtoholdhermotionlessinaflamingambiencecomposedintwoshadesofblue。
Faint,hotpuffseddiednervelesslyfromhersails。
Andyetshemoved。Shemusthave。For,asthesunwassetting,wehaddrawnabreastofCapeLiantanddroppeditbehindus:anominousre-
treatingshadowinthelastgleamsoftwilight。
Intheevening,underthecrudeglareofhislamp,Mr。Burnsseemedtohavecomemoretothesurfaceofhisbedding。Itwasasifadepressinghandhadbeenliftedoffhim。Heansweredmyfewwordsbyacomparativelylong,connectedspeech。Heassertedhimselfstrongly。Ifheescapedbeingsmotheredbythisstagnantheat,hesaid,hewasconfidentthatinaveryfewdayshewouldbeabletocomeupondeckandhelpme。
WhilehewasspeakingItrembledlestthiseffortofenergyshouldleavehimlifelessbeforemyeyes。
ButIcannotdenythattherewassomethingcom-
fortinginhiswillingness。Imadeasuitablereply,butpointedouttohimthattheonlythingthatcouldreallyhelpuswaswind——afairwind。
Herolledhisheadimpatientlyonthepillow。
Anditwasnotcomfortingintheleasttohearhimbegintomuttercrazilyaboutthelatecaptain,thatoldmanburiedinlatitude8d20’,rightinourway——ambushedattheentranceoftheGulf。
"Areyoustillthinkingofyourlatecaptain,Mr。
Burns?"Isaid。"Iimaginethedeadfeelnoanimos-
ityagainsttheliving。Theycarenothingforthem。"
"Youdon’tknowthatone,"hebreathedoutfeebly。
"No。Ididn’tknowhim,andhedidn’tknowme。Andsohecan’thaveanygrievanceagainstme,anyway。"
"Yes。Butthere’salltherestofusonboard,"heinsisted。
Ifelttheinexpugnablestrengthofcommonsensebeinginsidiouslymenacedbythisgruesome,bythisinsane,delusion。AndIsaid:
"Youmustn’ttalksomuch。Youwilltireyourself。"
"Andthereistheshipherself,"hepersistedinawhisper。
"Now,notawordmore,"Isaid,steppinginandlayingmyhandonhiscoolforehead。Itprovedtomethatthisatrociousabsurditywasrootedinthemanhimselfandnotinthedisease,which,ap-
parently,hademptiedhimofeverypower,mentalandphysical,exceptthatonefixedidea。
IavoidedgivingMr。Burnsanyopeningforcon-
versationforthenextfewdays。Imerelyusedtothrowhimahasty,cheerywordwhenpassinghisdoor。Ibelievethatifhehadhadthestrengthhewouldhavecalledoutaftermemorethanonce。
Buthehadn’tthestrength。Ransome,however,observedtomeoneafternoonthatthemate"seemedtobepickingupwonderfully。"
"Didhetalkanynonsensetoyouoflate?"I
askedcasually。
"No,sir。"Ransomewasstartledbythedirectquestion;but,afterapause,headdedequably:
"Hetoldmethismorning,sir,thathewassorryhehadtoburyourlatecaptainrightintheship’sway,asonemaysay,outoftheGulf。"
"Isn’tthisnonsenseenoughforyou?"Iasked,lookingconfidentlyattheintelligent,quietfaceonwhichthesecretuneasinessintheman’sbreasthadthrownatransparentveilofcare。
Ransomedidn’tknow。Hehadnotgivenathoughttothematter。Andwithafaintsmileheflittedawayfrommeonhisnever-endingduties,withhisusualguardedactivity。
Twomoredayspassed。Wehadadvancedalittleway——averylittleway——intothelargerspaceoftheGulfofSiam。Seizingeagerlyupontheelationofthefirstcommandthrownintomylap,bytheagencyofCaptainGiles,Ihadyetanuneasyfeelingthatsuchluckasthishasgotperhapstobepaidforinsomeway。Ihadheld,professionally,areviewofmychances。Iwascompetentenoughforthat。Atleast,Ithoughtso。Ihadageneralsenseofmypreparednesswhichonlyamanpur-
suingacallinghelovescanknow。Thatfeelingseemedtomethemostnaturalthingintheworld。
Asnaturalasbreathing。IimaginedIcouldnothavelivedwithoutit。
Idon’tknowwhatIexpected。Perhapsnothingelsethanthatspecialintensityofexistencewhichisthequintessenceofyouthfulaspirations。What-
everIexpectedIdidnotexpecttobebesetbyhurricanes。Iknewbetterthanthat。IntheGulfofSiamtherearenohurricanes。ButneitherdidI
expecttofindmyselfboundhandandfoottothehopelessextentwhichwasrevealedtomeasthedayswenton。
Notthattheevilspellheldusalwaysmotionless。
Mysteriouscurrentsdriftedushereandthere,withastealthypowermademanifestonlybythechang-
ingvistasoftheislandsfringingtheeastshoreoftheGulf。Andtherewerewinds,too,fitfulanddeceitful。Theyraisedhopesonlytodashthemintothebitterestdisappointment,promisesofadvanceendinginlostground,expiringinsighs,dyingintodumbstillnessinwhichthecurrentshaditalltheirownway——theirowninimicalway。
TheislandofKoh-ring,agreat,black,up-
heavedridgeamongstalotoftinyislets,lyingupontheglassywaterlikeatritonamongstmin-
nows,seemedtobethecentreofthefatalcircle。Itseemedimpossibletogetawayfromit。Dayafterdayitremainedinsight。Morethanonce,inafavourablebreeze,Iwouldtakeitsbearingsinthefast-ebbingtwilight,thinkingthatitwasforthelasttime。Vainhope。Anightoffitfulairswouldundothegainsoftemporaryfavour,andtherisingsunwouldthrowouttheblackreliefofKoh-ringooking。
part2-5
ChapterV
IHEARDtheclatterofthescissorsescapingfromhishand,notedtheperilousheaveofhiswholepersonovertheedgeofthebunkafterthem,andthen,returningtomyfirstpurpose,pursuedmycourseonthedeck。Thesparkleoftheseafilledmyeyes。Itwasgorgeousandbarren,monotonousandwithouthopeundertheemptycurveofthesky。Thesailshungmotionlessandslack,theveryfoldsoftheirsaggingsurfacesmovednomorethancarvedgranite。Theimpetuosityofmyad-
ventmadethemanatthehelmstartslightly。A
blockaloftsqueakedincomprehensibly,forwhatonearthcouldhavemadeitdoso?Itwasawhistlingnotelikeabird’s。Foralong,longtimeIfacedanemptyworld,steepedinaninfinityofsilence,throughwhichthesunshinepouredandflowedforsomemysteriouspurpose。ThenIheardRansome’svoiceatmyelbow。
"IhaveputMr。Burnsbacktobed,sir。"
"Youhave。"
"Well,sir,hegotout,allofasudden,butwhenheletgotheedgeofhisbunkhefelldown。Heisn’tlight-headed,though,itseemstome。"
"No,"Isaiddully,withoutlookingatRansome。
Hewaitedforamoment,thencautiously,asifnottogiveoffence:"Idon’tthinkweneedlosemuchofthatstuff,sir,"hesaid,"Icansweepitup,everybitofitalmost,andthenwecouldsifttheglassout。
Iwillgoaboutitatonce。Itwillnotmakethebreakfastlate,nottenminutes。"
"Oh,yes,"Isaidbitterly。"Letthebreakfastwait,sweepupeverybitofit,andthenthrowthedamnedlotoverboard!"
Theprofoundsilencereturned,andwhenI
lookedovermyshoulder,Ransome——theintelli-
gent,sereneRansome——hadvanishedfrommyside。Theintenselonelinessoftheseaactedlikepoisononmybrain。WhenIturnedmyeyestotheship,Ihadamorbidvisionofherasafloatinggrave。Whohasn’theardofshipsfoundfloating,haphazard,withtheircrewsalldead?Ilookedattheseamanatthehelm,Ihadanimpulsetospeaktohim,and,indeed,hisfacetookonanexpectantcastasifhehadguessedmyintention。ButintheendIwentbelow,thinkingIwouldbealonewiththegreatnessofmytroubleforalittlewhile。ButthroughhisopendoorMr。Burnssawmecomedown,andaddressedmegrumpily:"Well,sir?"
Iwentin。"Itisn’twellatall,"Isaid。
Mr。Burns,reestablishedinhisbed-place,wasconcealinghishirsutecheekinthepalmofhishand。
"Thatconfoundedfellowhastakenawaythescissorsfromme,"werethenextwordshesaid。
ThetensionIwassufferingfromwassogreatthatitwasperhapsjustaswellthatMr。Burnshadstartedonhisgrievance。Heseemedverysoreaboutitandgrumbled,"DoeshethinkIammad,orwhat?"
"Idon’tthinkso,Mr。Burns,"Isaid。Ilookeduponhimatthatmomentasamodelofself-
possession。Ievenconceivedonthataccountasortofadmirationforthatman,whohad(apartfromtheintensematerialityofwhatwasleftofhisbeard)comeasneartobeingadisembodiedspiritasanymancandoandlive。Inoticedthepre-
ternaturalsharpnessoftheridgeofhisnose,thedeepcavitiesofhistemples,andIenviedhim。Hewassoreducedthathewouldprobablydieverysoon。Enviableman!Sonearextinction——whileIhadtobearwithinmeatumultofsufferingvitality,doubt,confusion,self-reproach,andanin-
definitereluctancetomeetthehorridlogicofthesituation。Icouldnothelpmuttering:"IfeelasifIweregoingmadmyself。"
Mr。Burnsglaredspectrally,butotherwisewonderfullycomposed。
"Ialwaysthoughthewouldplayussomedeadlytrick,"
hesaid,withapeculiaremphasisontheHE。
Itgavemeamentalshock,butIhadneitherthemind,northeheart,northespirittoarguewithhim。Myformofsicknesswasindifference。Thecreepingparalysisofahopelessoutlook。SoI
onlygazedathim。Mr。Burnsbrokeintofurtherspeech。
"Eh!What!No!Youwon’tbelieveit?Well,howdoyouaccountforthis?Howdoyouthinkitcouldhavehappened?"
"Happened?"Irepeateddully。"Why,yes,howinthenameoftheinfernalpowersdidthisthinghappen?"
Indeed,onthinkingitout,itseemedincompre-
hensiblethatitshouldjustbelikethis:thebottlesemptied,refilled,rewrapped,andreplaced。Asortofplot,asinisterattempttodeceive,athingre-
semblingslyvengeance,butforwhat?Orelseafiendishjoke。ButMr。Burnswasinpossessionofatheory。Itwassimple,andheuttereditsolemnlyinahollowvoice。
"IsupposetheyhavegivenhimaboutfifteenpoundsinHaiphongforthatlittlelot。"
"Mr。Burns!"Icried。
Henoddedgrotesquelyoverhisraisedlegs,liketwobroomsticksinthepyjamas,withenormousbarefeetattheend。
"Whynot?Thestuffisprettyexpensiveinthispartoftheworld,andtheywereveryshortofitinTonkin。Andwhatdidhecare?Youhavenotknownhim。Ihave,andIhavedefiedhim。HefearedneitherGod,nordevil,norman,norwind,norsea,norhisownconscience。AndIbelievehehatedeverybodyandeverything。ButIthinkhewasafraidtodie。IbelieveIamtheonlymanwhoeverstooduptohim。Ifacedhiminthatcabinwhereyoulivenow,whenhewassick,andI
cowedhimthen。HethoughtIwasgoingtotwisthisneckforhim。IfhehadhadhiswaywewouldhavebeenbeatingupagainsttheNord-Eastmon-
soon,aslongashelivedandafterward,too,foragesandages。ActingtheFlyingDutchmanintheChinaSea!Ha!Ha!"
"Butwhyshouldhereplacethebottleslikethis?"……Ibegan。
"Whyshouldn’the?Whyshouldhewanttothrowthebottlesaway?Theyfitthedrawer。
Theybelongtothemedicinechest。"
"Andtheywerewrappedup,"Icried。
"Well,thewrapperswerethere。Diditfromhabit,Isuppose,andastorefilling,thereisalwaysalotofstufftheysendinpaperparcelsthatburstafteratime。Andthen,whocantell?Isupposeyoudidn’ttasteit,sir?But,ofcourse,youaresure……"
"No,"Isaid。"Ididn’ttasteit。Itisallover-
boardnow。"
Behindme,asoft,cultivatedvoicesaid:"Ihavetastedit。Itseemedamixtureofallsorts,sweet-
ish,saltish,veryhorrible。"
Ransome,steppingoutofthepantry,hadbeenlisteningforsometime,asitwasveryexcusableinhimtodo。
"Adirtytrick,"saidMr。Burns。"Ialwayssaidhewould。"
Themagnitudeofmyindignationwasun-
bounded。Andthekind,sympatheticdoctor,too。
TheonlysympatheticmanIeverknew……
insteadofwritingthatwarningletter,theveryre-
finementofsympathy,whydidn’tthemanmakeaproperinspection?But,asamatteroffact,itwashardlyfairtoblamethedoctor。Thefittingswereinorderandthemedicinechestisanofficiallyar-
rangedaffair。Therewasnothingreallytoarousetheslightestsuspicion。ThepersonIcouldneverforgivewasmyself。Nothingshouldeverbetakenforgranted。Theseedofeverlastingremorsewassowninmybreast。
"Ifeelit’sallmyfault,"Iexclaimed,"mineandnobodyelse’s。That’showIfeel。Ishallneverforgivemyself。"
"That’sveryfoolish,sir,"saidMr。Burnsfiercely。
Andafterthisefforthefellbackexhaustedonhisbed。Heclosedhiseyes,hepanted;thisaffair,thisabominablesurprisehadshakenhimup,too。
AsIturnedawayIperceivedRansomelookingatmeblankly。Heappreciatedwhatitmeant,butmanagedtoproducehispleasant,wistfulsmile。
Thenhesteppedbackintohispantry,andIrushedupondeckagaintoseewhethertherewasanywind,anybreathunderthesky,anystiroftheair,anysignofhope。Thedeadlystillnessmetmeagain。Nothingwaschangedexceptthattherewasadifferentmanatthewheel。Helookedill。
Hiswholefiguredrooped,andheseemedrathertoclingtothespokesthanholdthemwithacontroll-
inggrip。Isaidtohim:
"Youarenotfittobehere。"
"Icanmanage,sir,"hesaidfeebly。
Asamatteroffact,therewasnothingforhimtodo。
Theshiphadnosteerageway。Shelaywithherheadtothewestward,theeverlastingKoh-ringvisibleoverthestern,withafewsmallislets,blackspotsinthegreatblaze,swimmingbeforemytroubledeyes。Andbutforthosebitsoflandtherewasnospeckonthesky,nospeckonthewater,noshapeofvapour,nowispofsmoke,nosail,noboat,nostirofhumanity,nosignoflife,nothing!
Thefirstquestionwas,whattodo?Whatcouldonedo?Thefirstthingtodoobviouslywastotellthemen。Ididitthatveryday。Iwasn’tgoingtolettheknowledgesimplygetabout。Iwouldfacethem。Theywereassembledonthequarter-
deckforthepurpose。JustbeforeIsteppedouttospeaktothemIdiscoveredthatlifecouldholdterriblemoments。Noconfessedcriminalhadeverbeensooppressedbyhissenseofguilt。Thisiswhy,perhaps,myfacewassethardandmyvoicecurtandunemotionalwhileImademydeclarationthatIcoulddonothingmoreforthesickinthewayofdrugs。Astosuchcareascouldbegiventhemtheyknewtheyhadhadit。
Iwouldhaveheldthemjustifiedintearingmelimbfromlimb。Thesilencewhichfolloweduponmywordswasalmosthardertobearthantheangriestuproar。Iwascrushedbytheinfinitedepthofitsreproach。But,asamatteroffact,I
wasmistaken。InavoicewhichIhadgreatdiffi-
cultyinkeepingfirm,Iwenton:"Isuppose,men,youhaveunderstoodwhatIsaid,andyouknowwhatitmeans。"
Avoiceortwowereheard:"Yes,sir……Weunderstand。"
Theyhadkeptsilentsimplybecausetheythoughtthattheywerenotcalledtosayanything;
andwhenItoldthemthatIintendedtorunintoSingaporeandthatthebestchancefortheshipandthemenwasintheeffortsallofus,sickandwell,mustmaketogetheralongoutofthis,Ire-
ceivedtheencouragementofalowassentingmur-
murandofaloudervoiceexclaiming:"Surelythereisawayoutofthisblamedhole。"
***
HereisanextractfromthenotesIwroteatthetime。
"WehavelostKoh-ringatlast。FormanydaysnowIdon’tthinkIhavebeentwohoursbelowal-
together。Iremainondeck,ofcourse,nightandday,andthenightsandthedayswheeloverusinsuccession,whetherlongorshort,whocansay?
Allsenseoftimeislostinthemonotonyofex-
pectation,ofhope,andofdesire——whichisonlyone:Gettheshiptothesouthward!Gettheshiptothesouthward!Theeffectiscuriouslyme-
chanical;thesunclimbsanddescends,thenightswingsoverourheadsasifsomebodybelowthehorizonwereturningacrank。Itistheprettiest,themostaimless!……andallthroughthatmiserableperformanceIgoon,tramping,tramp-
ingthedeck。HowmanymileshaveIwalkedonthepoopofthatship!Astubbornpilgrimageofsheerrestlessness,diversifiedbyshortexcursionsbelowtolookuponMr。Burns。Idon’tknowwhetheritisanillusion,butheseemstobecomemoresubstantialfromdaytoday。Hedoesn’tsaymuch,for,indeed,thesituationdoesn’tlenditselftoidleremarks。InoticethisevenwiththemenasIwatchthemmovingorsittingaboutthedecks。
Theydon’ttalktoeachother。Itstrikesmethatifthereexistsaninvisibleearcatchingthewhispersoftheearth,itwillfindthisshipthemostsilentspotonit……
"No,Mr。Burnshasnotmuchtosaytome。Hesitsinhisbunkwithhisbeardgone,hismoustachesflaming,andwithanairofsilentdeterminationonhischalkyphysiognomy。Ransometellsmehedevoursallthefoodthatisgivenhimtothelastscrap,butthat,apparently,hesleepsverylittle。
Evenatnight,whenIgobelowtofillmypipe,I
noticethat,thoughdozingflatonhisback,hestilllooksverydetermined。Fromthesideglancehegivesmewhenawakeitseemsasthoughhewereannoyedatbeinginterruptedinsomearduousmentaloperation;andasIemergeondecktheorderedarrangementofthestarsmeetsmyeye,un-
clouded,infinitelywearisome。Theretheyare:
stars,sun,sea,light,darkness,space,greatwaters;
theformidableWorkoftheSevenDays,intowhichmankindseemstohaveblunderedunbidden。Orelsedecoyed。EvenasIhavebeendecoyedintothisawful,thisdeath-hauntedcommand……"
***
Theonlyspotoflightintheshipatnightwasthatofthecompass-lamps,lightingupthefacesofthesucceedinghelmsmen;fortherestwewerelostinthedarkness,Iwalkingthepoopandthemenlyingaboutthedecks。Theywereallsoreducedbysicknessthatnowatchescouldbekept。Thosewhowereabletowalkremainedallthetimeonduty,lyingaboutintheshadowsofthemaindeck,tillmyvoiceraisedforanorderwouldbringthemtotheirenfeebledfeet,atotteringlittlegroup,mov-
ingpatentlyabouttheship,withhardlyamur-
mur,awhisperamongstthemall。AndeverytimeIhadtoraisemyvoiceitwaswithapangofremorseandpity。
Thenaboutfouro’clockinthemorningalightwouldgleamforwardinthegalley。TheunfailingRansomewiththeuneasyheart,immune,serene,andactive,wasgettingreadyfortheearlycoffeeforthemen。Presentlyhewouldbringmeacupuponthepoop,anditwasthenthatIallowedmyselftodropintomydeckchairforacoupleofhoursofrealsleep。NodoubtImusthavebeensnatchingshortdozeswhenleaningagainsttherailforamo-
mentinsheerexhaustion;but,honestly,Iwasnotawareofthem,exceptinthepainfulformofcon-
vulsivestartsthatseemedtocomeonmeevenwhileIwalked。Fromaboutfive,however,untilaftersevenIwouldsleepopenlyunderthefadingstars。
Iwouldsaytothehelmsman:"Callmeatneed,"anddropintothatchairandclosemyeyes,feelingthattherewasnomoresleepformeonearth。AndthenIwouldknownothingtill,sometimebetweensevenandeight,IwouldfeelatouchonmyshoulderandlookupatRansome’sface,withitsfaint,wistfulsmileandfriendly,grayeyes,asthoughheweretenderlyamusedatmyslumbers。Occasionallythesecondmatewouldcomeupandrelievemeatearlycoffeetime。Butitdidn’treallymatter。Generallyitwasadeadcalm,orelsefaintairssochangingandfugitivethatitreallywasn’tworthwhiletotouchabraceforthem。Iftheairsteadiedatalltheseamanatthehelmcouldbetrustedforawarningshout:
"Ship’sallaback,sir!"whichlikeatrumpet-
callwouldmakemespringafootabovethedeck。
Thosewerethewordswhichitseemedtomewouldhavemademespringupfrometernalsleep。Butthiswasnotoften。Ihavenevermetsincesuchbreathlesssunrises。Andifthesecondmatehap-
penedtobethere(hehadgenerallyonedayinthreefreeoffever)Iwouldfindhimsittingontheskylighthalfsenseless,asitwere,andwithanidioticgazefastenedonsomeobjectnearby——arope,acleat,abelayingpin,aringbolt。
Thatyoungmanwasrathertroublesome。Heremainedcubbishinhissufferings。Heseemedtohavebecomecompletelyimbecile;andwhenthere-
turnoffeverdrovehimtohiscabinbelow,thenextthingwouldbethatwewouldmisshimfromthere。
ThefirsttimeithappenedRansomeandIwereverymuchalarmed。WestartedaquietsearchandultimatelyRansomediscoveredhimcurledupinthesail-locker,whichopenedintothelobbybyaslidingdoor。Whenremonstratedwith,hemut-
teredsulkily,"It’scoolinthere。"Thatwasn’ttrue。Itwasonlydarkthere。
Thefundamentaldefectsofhisfacewerenotim-
provedbyitsuniformlividhue。Thediseasedis-
closeditslowtypeinastartlingway。Itwasnotsowithmanyofthemen。Thewastageofill-
healthseemedtoidealisethegeneralcharacterofthefeatures,bringingouttheunsuspectednobilityofsome,thestrengthofothers,andinonecasere-
vealinganessentiallycomicaspect。Hewasashort,gingery,activemanwithanoseandchinofthePunchtype,andwhomhisshipmatescalled"Frenchy。"Idon’tknowwhy。HemayhavebeenaFrenchman,butIhaveneverheardhimutterasinglewordinFrench。
Toseehimcomingafttothewheelcomfortedone。Thebluedungareetrousersturnedupthecalf,onelegalittlehigherthantheother,thecleancheckshirt,thewhitecanvascap,evidentlymadebyhimself,madeupawholeofpeculiarsmartness,andthepersistentjauntinessofhisgait,even,poorfellow,whenhecouldn’thelptottering,toldofhisinvinciblespirit。TherewasalsoamancalledGambril。Hewastheonlygrizzledpersonintheship。Hisfacewasofanausteretype。ButifIre-
memberalltheirfaces,wastingtragicallybeforemyeyes,mostoftheirnameshavevanishedfrommymemory。
Thewordsthatpassedbetweenuswerefewandpuerileinregardofthesituation。Ihadtoforcemyselftolookthemintheface。Iexpectedtomeetreproachfulglances。Therewerenone。Theexpressionofsufferingintheireyeswasindeedhardenoughtobear。Butthattheycouldn’thelp。
Fortherest,Iaskmyselfwhetheritwasthetemperoftheirsoulsorthesympathyoftheirimaginationthatmadethemsowonderful,soworthyofmyun-
dyingregard。
Formyself,neithermysoulwashighlytempered,normyimaginationproperlyundercontrol。ThereweremomentswhenIfelt,notonlythatIwouldgomad,butthatIhadgonemadalready;sothatI
darednotopenmylipsforfearofbetrayingmyselfbysomeinsaneshriek。LuckilyIhadonlyorderstogive,andanorderhasasteadyinginfluenceuponhimwhohastogiveit。Moreover,theseaman,theofficerofthewatch,inmewassufficientlysane。
Iwaslikeamadcarpentermakingabox。
WereheeversoconvincedthathewasKingofJerusalem,theboxhewouldmakewouldbeasanebox。WhatIfearedwasashrillnoteescapingmeinvoluntarilyandupsettingmybalance。Luckily,again,therewasnonecessitytoraiseone’svoice。
Thebroodingstillnessoftheworldseemedsensitivetotheslightestsound,likeawhisperinggallery。
Theconversationaltonewouldalmostcarryawordfromoneendoftheshiptotheother。TheterriblethingwasthattheonlyvoicethatIeverheardwasmyown。Atnightespeciallyitreverber-
atedverylonelyamongsttheplanesoftheun-
stirringsails。
Mr。Burns,stillkeepingtohisbedwiththatairofsecretdetermination,wasmovedtogrumbleatmanythings。Ourinterviewswereshortfive-
minuteaffairs,butfairlyfrequent。Iwaseverlast-
inglydivingdownbelowtogetalight,thoughIdidnotconsumemuchtobaccoatthattime。Thepipewasalwaysgoingout;forintruthmymindwasnotcomposedenoughtoenablemetogetadecentsmoke。Likewise,formostofthetimeduringthetwenty-fourhoursIcouldhavestruckmatchesondeckandheldthemalofttilltheflameburntmyfingers。ButIalwaysusedtorunbelow。Itwasachange。Itwastheonlybreakintheincessantstrain;and,ofcourse,Mr。Burnsthroughtheopendoorcouldseemecomeinandgoouteverytime。
Withhiskneesgatheredupunderhischinandstaringwithhisgreenisheyesoverthem,hewasaweirdfigure,andwithmyknowledgeofthecrazynotioninhishead,notaveryattractiveoneforme。
Still,Ihadtospeaktohimnowandthen,andonedayhecomplainedthattheshipwasverysilent。
Forhoursandhours,hesaid,hewaslyingthere,nothearingasound,tillhedidnotknowwhattodowithhimself。
"WhenRansomehappenstobeforwardinhisgalleyeverything’ssostillthatonemightthinkeverybodyintheshipwasdead,"hegrumbled。
"TheonlyvoiceIdohearsometimesisyours,sir,andthatisn’tenoughtocheermeup。What’sthematterwiththemen?Isn’tthereoneleftthatcansingoutattheropes?"
"Notone,Mr。Burns,"Isaid。"Thereisnobreathtospareonboardthisshipforthat。AreyouawarethattherearetimeswhenIcan’tmustermorethanthreehandstodoanything?"
Heaskedswiftlybutfearfully:
"Nobodydeadyet,sir?"
"No。"
"Itwouldn’tdo,"Mr。Burnsdeclaredforcibly。
"Mustn’tlethim。Ifhegetsholdofonehewillgetthemall。"
Icriedoutangrilyatthis。IbelieveIevensworeatthedisturbingeffectofthesewords。
Theyattackedalltheself-possessionthatwaslefttome。InmyendlessvigilinthefaceoftheenemyIhadbeenhauntedbygruesomeimagesenough。I
hadhadvisionsofashipdriftingincalmsandswinginginlightairs,withallhercrewdyingslowlyaboutherdecks。Suchthingshadbeenknowntohappen。
Mr。Burnsmetmyoutburstbyamysterioussilence。
"Lookhere,"Isaid。"Youdon’tbelieveyour-
selfwhatyousay。Youcan’t。It’simpossible。
Itisn’tthesortofthingIhavearighttoexpectfromyou。Myposition’sbadenoughwithoutbeingworriedwithyoursillyfancies。"
Heremainedunmoved。OnaccountofthewayinwhichthelightfellonhisheadIcouldnotbesurewhetherhehadsmiledfaintlyornot。I
changedmytone。
"Listen,"Isaid。"It’sgettingsodesperatethatIhadthoughtforamoment,sincewecan’tmakeourwaysouth,whetherIwouldn’ttrytosteerwestandmakeanattempttoreachthemail-
boattrack。Wecouldalwaysgetsomequininefromher,atleast。Whatdoyouthink?"
Hecriedout:"No,no,no。Don’tdothat,sir。
Youmustn’tforamomentgiveupfacingthatoldruffian。Ifyoudohewillgettheupperhandofus。"
Ilefthim。Hewasimpossible。Itwaslikeacaseofpossession。Hisprotest,however,wasessentiallyquitesound。Asamatteroffact,mynotionofheadingoutwestonthechanceofsight-
ingaproblematicalsteamercouldnotbearcalmexamination。Onthesidewherewewerewehadenoughwind,atleastfromtimetotime,tostruggleontowardthesouth。Enough,atleast,tokeephopealive。ButsupposethatIhadusedthosecapriciousgustsofwindtosailawaytothewest-
ward,intosomeregionwheretherewasnotabreathofairfordaysonend,whatthen?Perhapsmyappallingvisionofashipfloatingwithadeadcrewwouldbecomearealityforthediscoveryweeksafterwardbysomehorror-strickenmariners。
ThatafternoonRansomebroughtmeupacupoftea,andwhilewaitingthere,trayinhand,here-
markedintheexactlyrighttoneofsympathy:
"Youareholdingoutwell,sir。"
"Yes,"Isaid。"YouandIseemtohavebeenforgotten。"
"Forgotten,sir?"
"Yes,bythefever-devilwhohasgotonboardthisship,"Isaid。
Ransomegavemeoneofhisattractive,intelli-
gent,quickglancesandwentawaywiththetray。
ItoccurredtomethatIhadbeentalkingsome-
whatinMr。Burns’manner。Itannoyedme。YetoftenindarkermomentsIforgotmyselfintoanattitudetowardourtroublesmorefitforacontestagainstalivingenemy。
Yes。Thefever-devilhadnotlaidhishandyeteitheronRansomeoronme。Buthemightatanytime。Itwasoneofthosethoughtsonehadtofightdown,keepatarm’slengthatanycost。ItwasunbearabletocontemplatethepossibilityofRansome,thehousekeeperoftheship,beinglaidlow。AndwhatwouldhappentomycommandifIgotknockedover,withMr。Burnstooweaktostandwithoutholdingontohisbed-placeandthesecondmatereducedtoastateofpermanentim-
becility?Itwasimpossibletoimagine,orrather,itwasonlytooeasytoimagine。
Iwasaloneonthepoop。Theshiphavingnosteerageway,Ihadsentthehelmsmanawaytositdownorliedownsomewhereintheshade。Themen’sstrengthwassoreducedthatallunnecessarycallsonithadtobeavoided。ItwastheaustereGambrilwiththegrizzlybeard。Hewentawayreadilyenough,buthewassoweakenedbyre-
peatedboutsoffever,poorfellow,thatinordertogetdownthepoopladderhehadtoturnsidewaysandhangonwithbothhandstothebrassrail。Itwasjustsimplyheart-breakingtowatch。Yethewasneitherverymuchworsenormuchbetterthanmostofthehalf-dozenmiserablevictimsIcouldmusterupondeck。
Itwasaterriblylifelessafternoon。Forseveraldaysinsuccessionlowcloudshadappearedinthedistance,whitemasseswithdarkconvolutionsrest-
ingonthewater,motionless,almostsolid,andyetallthetimechangingtheiraspectssubtly。To-
wardeveningtheyvanishedasarule。Butthisdaytheyawaitedthesettingsun,whichglowedandsmoulderedsulkilyamongstthembeforeitsankdown。Thepunctualandwearisomestarsre-
appearedoverourmastheads,buttheairremainedstagnantandoppressive。