TheSchoolThatCompletesOurEducation"Hethatovercomethshallinheritallthings;andIwillbehisGod，andheshallbemyson"——Revelation21：7。
　　"Sweetaretheusesofadversity;
　　Which，likethetoad，uglyandvenomous，Wearsyetapreciousjewelinhishead;
　　Andthusourlife，exemptfrompublichaunt，Findstonguesintrees，booksinrunningbrooksSermonsinstones，andgoodineverything。"
　　ShakespeareWhyItIsPrintedMOREthanamillionpeoplehavesatinaudiencesinallpartsoftheUnitedStatesandhavelistenedto"TheUniversityofHardKnocks。"Ithasbeendeliveredtodatemorethantwenty-fivehundredtimesuponlyceumcourses，atchautauquas，teachers’
　　institutes，clubgatherings，conventionsandbeforevariousotherkindsofaudiences。RalphParletteiskeptbusyyearafteryearlecturing，becausehislecturesdealwithuniversalhumanexperience。
　　"CanIgetthelectureinbookform？"Thatcontinuousquestionfromaudiencesbroughtoutthisbookinresponse。Hereistheoverflowofmanydeliveries。
　　"WhatiswrittenhereisnotthewayIwouldwriteit，wereI
　　writingabook，"saysRalphParlette。"ItisthewayIsayit。Thelecturetookthisunconsciouscolloquialformbeforeaudiences。Anaudiencemakesalecture，ifthelecturesurvives。IwishIcouldshakethehandofeverypersonwhohassatinmyaudiences。AndI
　　wishIcouldtellthelecturecommitteesofAmericahowI
　　appreciatethevastamountofaltruisticworktheyhavedoneinbringingtheaudiencesofAmericatogether。Forlectureaudiencesarenotdrawntogether，theyarepushedtogether。"
　　Thewarmreceptiongiven"TheUniversityofHardKnocks"bythepublic，hasencouragedthepublisherstoputmoreofMr。Parlette’slecturesintobookform，"BigBusiness"and"PocketsandParadises"
　　arenowinpreparationasthis，thethirdeditionof"TheUniversityofHardKnocks"comesfromthepress。
　　ContentsSOMEPRELIMINARYREMARKS——Thelecturerthedeliverywagon——Thesorghumbarrel——Audiencemusthaveplacetoputlecture——WhysomanywordsTheUniversityofHardKnocksI。THEBOOKSAREBUMPS——Everybumpalesson——Whythetwokindsofbumps——DescriptionofUniversity——"SweetaretheusesofAdversity"——WhychildrenarenotinterestedII。THECOLLEGEOFNEEDLESSKNOCKS，thebumpsthatwebumpinto——Gettingthecoffee-pot——Teachingawilfulchild——Bumpsmakeus"stop，look，listen"——Blindmanlearnswithonebump——Goinguprequireseffort——Prodigalsmustbebumped——Theflyandthestickyfly-paper——"Removed"and"knockedout"
　　III。THECOLLEGEOFNEEDFULKNOCKS，thebumpsthatbumpintous——Oursorrowsanddisappointments——Howthepianowasmade——Howthe"redmud"becomesrazor-blades——Theworldourmirror——Thecrippletaughtbythebumps——Everybumpbringsablessing——YouareneverdownandoutIV。"SHAKETHEBARREL"——Howwedecideourdestinies——Whythebigonesshakeupandthelittleonesshakedown——Thebarreloflifesortingpeople——Howweholdourplaces，godown，goup——Goodluckandbadluck——Thegirlwhowentup——Themanwhowentdown——Thefatalrattle——Wemustgetreadytoget——Testimonialsandpressnotices——Youcannotupliftpeoplewithderrick——Nolawscanequalize——Helppeopletohelpthemselves——WecannotgetthingstillwegetreadyforthemV。GOINGUP——Howwebecomegreat——Wemustgetinsidegreatness——
　　Thereisnotop——Wemakeourselvesgreatbyservice——thefirststepathand——Allcanbegreatest——Wheretofindgreatpeople——AglimpseofGunsaulusVI。THEPROBLEMOF"PREPAREDNESS"——Preparingchildrenforlife——Most"advantages"aredisadvantages——Buyingeducationforchildren——Thestoryof"Gussie"and"BillWhackem"——Schoolsandbooksonlygivebettertoolsforservice——"Hardknocks"graduates——
　　MenaceofAmericanotswollenfortunesbutshrunkensouls——
　　Childrenmusthavestruggletogetstrength——Notpackhorsework——
　　Helpingtheturkeyskilledthem——thehappinessofworkwelove——
　　Amusementdrunkards——Lureofthecity——Strongmenfromthecountry——
　　Mustsavethehometowns——Aschoolofstruggle——NewSchoolexperimentVII。THESALVATIONOFA"SUCKER"——Youcan’tgetsomethingfornothing——Thefiddleandthetuning——Howweknowthings——Trimmedattheshellgame——My"fooldrawer"——Getting"selectedtoreceive1，000percent"——Youmustearnwhatyouown——Commencementorations——Mymaidensermon——Thebooksthatlivehavebeenlived——Singermustlivesongs——Successfulsongswrittenfromexperience——Theoryandpractice——TuningthestringsoflifeVIII。LOOKINGBACKWARD——Memoriesofthepricewepay——Myfirstschoolteaching——Loaningthedeaconmymoney——Callingtherollofmyschoolmates——AtthegraveoftheboyIhadenvied——WhyBenHurwonthechariotrace——PullingontheoarIX。GOONSOUTH！——Thebookintherunningbrook——TheMississippikeepsongoingsouthandgrowinggreater——Wegenerallystartwell，butstop——Fewgoonsouth——Theplagueofincompetents——Todayourbestday，tomorrowtobebetter——Birthdaysarepromotions——Iamjustbeginning——Bernhardt，Davis，Edison——Mosesbeginsateighty——Toobusytobury——Sympathyforthe"sobsquad"——Childseesworstdays，notbest——Waitingforthesecondtable——Betterdaysonsouth——Overcomingobstaclesdevelopspower——Goonsouthfromprinciple，notpraise——Doingdutyforthejoyofit——Becomingthe"FatherofWaters"——Goonsouthforever！
　　X。GOINGUPLIFE’SMOUNTAIN——Thedefeatsthatarevictories——
　　ClimbingMountLowe——Gettingabovethecloudsintothesunshine——
　　Eachdaywerisetolargervision——Gettingabovethenightintotheeternalday——GoingsouthisgoingupwardSomePreliminaryRemarksLADIESandGentlemen：
　　Idonotwanttobeseeninthislecture。Iwanttobeheard。Iamonlythedeliverywagon。Whenthedeliverywagoncomestoyourhouse，youarenotmuchinterestedinhowitlooks;youareinterestedinthegoodsitbringsyou。Youknowsomeverygoodgoodsaresometimesdeliveredtoyouinsomeverypoordeliverywagons。
　　Sointhislecture，pleasedonotpayanyattentiontothedeliverywagon——howmuchitsqueaksandwheezesandrattlesandwabbles。Donotpaymuchattentiontothewrappingsandstrings。Getinsidetothegoods。
　　Really，Ibelievethegoodsaregood。IbelieveIamtorecitetoyousomeofthemultiplicationtableoflife——notmine，notyoursalone，buteverybody’s。
　　CanOnlyPullthePlug！
　　Everyaudiencehasadifferenttemperature，andthatmakesalecturegodifferentlybeforeeveryaudience。Thekindofanaudienceisjustasimportantasthekindofalecture。Acoldaudiencewillmakeagoodlecturepoor，whileawarmaudiencewillmakeapoorlecturegood。
　　Letmeillustrate：
　　WhenIwasaboywehadabarrelofsorghuminthewoodshed。Whenmotherwantedtomakeginger-breadorcookies，shewouldsendmetothewoodshedtogetabucketofsorghumfromthatbarrel。
　　SomewarmSeptemberdayIwouldpulltheplugfromthebarrelandthesorghumwouldfairlysquirtintomybucket。Laterinthefallwhenitwascolder，Iwouldpulltheplugbutthesorghumwouldnotsquirt。Itwouldcomeoutslowlyandreluctantly，sothatIwouldhavetowaitalongwhiletogetalittlesorghum。AndonsomerealcoldwinterdayIwouldpulltheplug，butthesorghumwouldnotrunatall。Itwouldjustlookoutatme。
　　Idiscovereditwasthetemperature。
　　Ihavebroughtabarrelofsorghumtothisaudience。Thenameofthesorghumis"TheUniversityofHardKnocks。"Icanonlypulltheplug。Icannotmakeitrun。Thatwilldependuponthetemperatureofthisaudience。Youcanhaveallyouwantofit，buttogetittorunningfreely，youwillhavetowarmup。
　　DidYouBringaBucket？
　　Nomatterhowthesorghumruns，youhavetohaveabuckettogetit。Howmuchanyonegetsoutofalecturedependsalsouponthesizeofthebuckethebringstogetitin。Abigbucketcangetfilledataverysmallstream。Alittlebucketgetslittleatthegreateststream。WithnobucketyoucangetnothingatNiagara。
　　Thatoftenexplainswhyonepersonsaysalectureisgreat，whilethenextpersonsayshegotnothingoutofit。
　　WhatIt’sAllAboutHereisagreatmassofwordsandsentencesandpicturestoexpresstwoorthreesimplelittleideasoflife，thatoureducationisourgrowingupfromtheFinitetotheInfinite，andthatitisdonebyourownpersonalovercoming，andthatweneverfinishit。
　　Haveyounoticedthatnosentence，noramillionsentences，canboundlife？Haveyounoticedthateverystatementdoesnotquitecoverit？Nostatement，nolibrary，cantellallaboutlife。Nosuccessrulecanalonesolvetheproblem。Youmustaverageitallandstruggleuptoahighervision。
　　Wearetoldthatthestomachneedsbulkaswellasnutriment。Itwouldnotprosperwiththenecessaryelementsintheircondensedform。Soabstracttruthsintheirlowesttermsdonotalwayspromotementaldigestionlikemorebulkinthewayofpicturesanddiscussionsofthesetruths。Hereisbulkaswellasnutriment。
　　Ifyougetthefeelingthatthefirstpersonalpronounisbeingoverworked，Iremindyouthatthisismoreaconfessionthanalecture。Youcannotconfesswithoutreferringtotheconfesser。
　　ToEverybodyinMyAudienceIlikeyoubecauseIamlikeyou。
　　IbelieveinyoubecauseIbelieveinmyself。Weareallonefamily。IbelieveinyourInside，notinyourOutside，whoeveryouare，whateveryouare，whereveryouare。
　　IbelieveintheAngelofGoodinsideeveryblockofhumanmarble。
　　IbelieveitmustbecarvedoutinTheUniversityofHardKnocks。
　　Ibelieveallthispride，vanity，selfishness，self-righteousness，hypocrisyandhumanfrailtyaretheOutsidethatmustbechippedaway。
　　IbelievetheHardKnockscannotinjuretheAngel，butcanonlyrevealit。
　　IhopeyouaregettingyourHardKnocks。
　　Icarelittleaboutyourgloriousoringloriouspast。Icarelittleaboutyourpresent。IcaremuchaboutyourfutureforthatistoseemoreoftheAngelinyou。
　　TheUniversityofHardKnocksChapterI
　　TheBooksAreBumpsTHEgreatestschoolistheUniversityofHardKnocks。Itsbooksarebumps。
　　Everybumpisalesson。Ifwelearnthelessonwithonebump，wedonotgetthatbumpagain。Wedonotneedit。Wehavetraveledpastit。Theydonotwastethebumps。Wegetpromotedtothenextbump。
　　Butifweare"naturallybright，"orthereissomethingelsethematterwithus，sothatwedonotlearnthelessonofthebumpwehavejustgotten，thenthatbumpmustcomebackandbumpusagain。
　　Someofuslearntogoforwardwithafewbumps，butmostofusare"naturallybright"andhavetobepulverized。
　　ThetuitionintheUniversityofHardKnocksisnotfree。
　　Experienceisthedearestteacherintheworld。MostofusspendourlivesintheA-B-C’sofgettingstarted。
　　Wematriculateinthecradle。
　　Wenevergraduate。Whenwestoplearningwearedueforanotherbump。
　　Therearetwokindsofpeople——wisepeopleandfools。Thefoolsarethepeoplewhothinktheyhavegraduated。
　　TheplaygroundisallofGod’suniverse。
　　Theuniversitycolorsareblackandblue。
　　Theyellis"ouch"repeatedadlib。
　　TheNeedoftheBumpsWhenIwasthirteenIknewagreatdealmorethanIdonow。Therewasasentenceinmygrammarthatdisgustedme。ItwasbysomeforeignerIhadnevermet。HisnamewasShakespeare。Itwasthis：
　　"Sweetaretheusesofadversity;
　　Which，likethetoad，uglyandvenomous，Wearsyetapricelessjewelinitshead;
　　Andthusourlife，exemptfrompublichaunt，Findstonguesintrees，booksinrunningbrooks，Sermonsinstones，andgoodineverything。"
　　"Tonguesintrees，"Ithought。"Treescan’ttalk！Thatmaniscrazy。Booksinrunningbrooks！Whynobodyneverputsnobooksinnorunningbrooks。They’dgetwet。Andthatsermonsinstones！Theygetpreacherstopreachsermons，andtheybuildhousesoutofstones。"
　　IwassorryforShakespeare——whenIwasthirteen。
　　ButIamhappytodaythatIhavetraveledalittlefarther。IamhappythatIhavebeguntolearnthelessonsfromthebumps。IamhappythatIamlearningthesweetthopainfullessonsoftheUniversityofAdversity。IamhappythatIambeginningtolisten。
　　ForasIlearntolisten，Iheareverytreespeaking，everystonepreachingandeveryrunningbrooktheunfoldingofabook。
　　Children，Ifearyouwillnotbegreatlyinterestedinwhatistofollow。
　　Perhapsyouare"naturallybright"andfeelsorryforShakespeare。
　　Iwasnotinterestedwhenfatherandmothertoldmethesethings。
　　Iknewtheymeantallright，buttheworldhadmovedsincetheywereyoung，andnowtwoandtwomadeseven，becausewelivedsomuchfaster。
　　Itissohardtotellyoungpeopleanything。Theyknowbetter。Sotheyhavetogetbumpedjustwherewegotbumped，tolearnthattwoandtwoalwaysmakesfour，and"whatsoeveramansoweth，thatshallhealsoreap。"
　　Butifyouwillremembersomeofthesethings，theywillfeellikepoulticesbyandbywhenthebumpscome。
　　TheTwoCollegesAswegetbumpedandbatteredonlife’spathway，wediscoverwegettwokindsofbumps——bumpsthatweneedandbumpsthatwedonotneed。
　　Bumpsthatwebumpintoandbumpsthatbumpintous。
　　Wediscover，inotherwords，thatTheUniversityofHardKnockshastwocolleges——TheCollegeofNeedlessKnocksandTheCollegeofNeedfulKnocks。
　　Weattendbothcolleges。
　　ChapterII
　　TheCollegeofNeedlessKnocksTheBumpsThatWeBumpIntoNEARLYallthebumpswegetareNeedlessKnocks。
　　TherecomesavividmemoryofoneofmyearlyNeedlessKnocksasI
　　saythat。ItwasbackatthetimewhenIwastryingtorunourhometosuitmyself。Isatinthehighestchairinthefamilycircle。I
　　wasthreeyearsoldandreadytograduate。
　　Thatdaytheyhadthelittlejoyandsunshineofthefamilyinhishigh-chairthronerightupbesidethedinnertable。Thecoffee-potwaswithingrabbingdistance。
　　Ibecameenamoredwiththatcoffee-pot。IdecidedIneededthatcoffee-potinmybusiness。Ireachedovertogetthecoffee-pot。
　　ThenIdiscoveredawomanbesideme，mymother。ShewasthemostmeddlesomewomanIhadeverknown。Ihadnottriedtodoonethinginthreeyearsthatthatwomanhadnotmeddledinto。
　　AndthatdaywhenIwantedthecoffee-pot——Ididwantit。NobodyknowshowIdesiredthatcoffee-pot。"Onethingthoulackest，"acoffee-pot——
　　Iwasreachingovertogetit，thatwomansaid，"Don’ttouchthat！"
　　ThelongerIthoughtaboutitthemoreangryIbecame。Whatrighthasthatwomantomeddleintomyaffairsallthetime？Ihavestoodthispetticoattyrannythreeyears，anditistimetostopit！
　　Istoppedit。Igotthecoffee-pot。IknowIgotthecoffee-pot。I
　　gotitunanimously。IknowwhenIgotitandIalsoknowwhereI
　　gotit。Igotaboutagallonofthereddest，hottestcoffeeabadboyeverspilledoverhimself。
　　O-o-o-o-o-o！Icanfeelityet！
　　TherewereweeksafterthatwhenIwasupholstered。Theyputapplebutteronme——andcoaloilandwhite-of-an-eggandstarchandanythingelsetheneighborscouldthinkof。Theywouldbringitoverandrubitonthelittlejoyandsunshineofthefamily，whohadgottentemporarilyeclipsed。
　　TeachingaWilfulChildYousee，mymother’swaywastotellmeandthenletmedoasI
　　pleased。Shetoldmenottogetthecoffee-potandthenletmegetit，knowingthatitwouldburnme。Shewouldsay，"Don’t。"ThenshewouldgoonwithherknittingandletmedoasIpleased。
　　Whydon’tmothersknittoday？
　　Motherwouldsay，"Don’tfallinthewell。"Icouldgoandjumpinthewellafterthatandshewouldnotlookatme。Idonotarguethatthisisthewaytoraisechildren，butIinsistthatthiswasthemostkindandeffectivewaytorearonestubbornboyIknowof。
　　Theneighborsandtheladies’aidsocietyoftensaidmymotherwascruelwiththatangelchild。Buttheneighborsdidnotknowwhatkindofaninsectmotherwastryingtoraise。Motherdidknow。Sheknewhowstubbornandself-willedIwas。Itcamefromfather’s"sideofthehouse。"
　　Motherknewthattoarguewithmewastoflatterme。Tellme，servenoticeuponme，andthenletmegoaheadandgetmycoffee-pot。
　　Thatwasthequickestandkindestwaytoteachme。
　　IlearnedveryquicklythatifIdidnothearmother，andheed，acoffee-potwouldspilluponme。IcannotrememberwhenIdisobeyedmymotherthatacoffee-potofsomekinddidnotspilluponme，andI
　　gotmyblisters。Motherdidnotinflictthem。Motherwasnotmuchofaninflicter。Fatherattendedtothatinthelaboratorybehindtheparsonage。
　　"Stop，Look，Listen"
　　AndthruthebumpswelearnthatTheCollegeofNeedlessKnocksrunsonthesameplan。TheVoiceofWisdomsaystoeachofus，"Childofhumanity，doright，walkintherightpath。Youwillbewiserandhappier。"Thetonguesinthetrees，thebooksintherunningbrooksandthesermonsinthestonesallrepeatit。
　　Butwearenotcompelledtowalkintherightpath。Wearefreeim-moralagents。
　　Wegetofftherightpath。Wegodownforbiddenpaths。Theyseemeasierandmoreattractive。Itissoeasytogodownward。Weslidedownward，butwehavetomakeefforttogoupward。
　　Anythingthatgoesdownwardwillrunitself。Anythingthatgoesupwardhastobepushed。
　　Andgoingdownthewrongpath，wegetbumpedharderandharderuntilwelisten。
　　Weareluckyifwelearnthelessonwithonebump。Weareunluckywhenwegetbumpedtwiceinthesameplace，foritmeanswearemakingnoprogress。
　　Whenwearebumped，weshould"stop，look，listen。""Safetyfirst！"
　　OnetimeIpaidaseeresstwodollarstolookintomyhonestpalm。
　　Shesaid，"Ithain’tyourfault。Youwasn’tbornright。Youwasbornunderanunluckystar。"Youdon’tknowhowthatcomfortedme。
　　Itwasn’tmyfault——allmybumpsandcoffee-pots！Iwasjustunluckyandithadtobe。
　　HowIhadtobebumpedtolearnbetter！NowwhenIgetbumpedItrytolearnthelessonofthebumpandfindtherightpath，sothatwhenIseethatbumpcomingagainIcansay，"Excuseme;ithathafamiliarlook，"anddodgeit。
　　Theseeressisthesoothingsyrupformentalinfants。
　　BlindMan’sFineSightTheotherdayIwatchedablindmangodowntheaisleofthecartogetoffthetrain。Didyoueverstudythewalkofablindman？He"pussyfooted"italongsocarefully。Hebumpedhishandagainstaseat。Thenhedidwhateveryblindmandoes，heliftedhishandhigheranddidn’tbumpanymoreseats。
　　Ilookeddownmynose。"RalphParlette，"Isaidtomyself，"whenareyougoingtolearntoseeaswellasthatblindman？Helearnshislessonwithonebump，andyouhavetogobumpingintothesamethingsdayafterdayandwonderwhyyouhavesomuch`badluck’！"
　　AreYouGoingUporDown？
　　Letmerepeat，thingsthatgodownwardwillrunthemselves。Thingsthatgoupwardhavetobepushed。Goingupwardisovercoming。
　　Noticethatchurches，schools，lyceums，chautauquas，reformmovements——thingsthatgoupward——neverrunthemselves。Theymustbepushedallthetime。
　　Andsowithourownlives。Reallivingisconsciousefforttogoupwardtolargerlife。
　　Ifyouaremakingnoeffortinyourlife，ifyouaremovinginthelineofleastresistance，dependuponityouaregoingdownward。
　　Lookoutforthebumps！
　　Lookoveryourcommunity。Notethehandfulofbrave，faithful，unselfishsoulswhoarecarryingthecommunityburdensandpushingupward。Notethemultitudemakinglittleornoeffort，andevengettinginthewayofthepushers。
　　Majoritiesdonotrule。Majoritiesneverhaveruled。Itisthebraveminorityofthinking，self-sacrificingpeoplethatdecidesthetomorrowofcommunitiesthatgoupward。Majoritiesarenotwillingtomaketheefforttorulethemselves。Theyarecontenttodriftandbeamusedandfollowfalsegodsthatpromisesomethingfornothing。Theymustbeled——sometimesdriven——byminorities。
　　Peoplearelikesheep。Theshepherdcanleadthemtoheaven——ortohell。
　　BumpingtheProdigalsHumanlifeisthestoryoftheProdigalSon。Welookoverthefenceofgoodnessintothemysteryofthegreatunknownworldbeyondandinthatunknownrealmwefondlyimagineishappiness。
　　Downthegreatwhitewayoftheworldgothemillionprodigals，seekinghappinesswherenobodyeverfoundhappiness。Theirdaysfillupwithdisappointment，theirvisionbecomesdulled。Theybecomeanaemicfeedinguponthehusks。
　　Theyjustmustgettheircoffee-pot！
　　Howtheymustbebumpedtothinkupontheirways。EverytimewedowrongwegetaNeedlessKnock。Everytime！Wemaynotalwaysgetbumpedontheoutside，butwealwaysgetbumpedontheinside。A
　　bumpontheconscienceisworsethanabumponthe"noodle。"
　　"Icandowrongandnotgetbumped。Ihavenofeelingsuponthesubject，"somebodysays，Youcan？Youpooroldsinner，youhavebumpedyourconsciencenumb。Thatiswhyyouhavenofeelingsonthesubject。Youhavepoundedyoursoulintoajelly。Youdon’tknowhowbadlyyouarehurt。
　　Howtheolddevilworksdayandnighttokeeppeopleamusedanddopedsothattheywillnotthinkupontheirways！Howhekeepsthemusicandthedazzlegoingsotheywillnotseetheyarebumpingthemselves！
　　ConsidertheStickyFlypaperDidyoueverwatchaflygethisNeedlessKnocksonthestickyflypaper？
　　ThelastthingMammaFlysaidasJohnnywentofftothecitywas，"Remember，son，tostayawayfromthestickyflypaper。Thatiswhereyourpoordearfatherwaslost。"AndJohnnyFlyremembersforseveralminutes。Butwhenheseesallthesmartyoungfliesofhissetgoovertotheflypaper，hegoesover，too。Hegazesdownathisfaceinthestickiness。"Ah！howprettyIam！Thisstickyflypapershowsmeupbetterthananythingathome。Whatafineplacetoskate。JustseehowcloseIcanflyoveritandnotgetstuckabit。Motherissuchasillyoldworryer。Shemeansallright，ofcourse，butsheisn’tup-to-date。Weyoungsetofmodernfliesarenaturallybrightandhavesomanymoreadvantages。Youcan’tcatchus。Theyweretoostrictwithmebackhome。"
　　YouseeJohnnyflybackandforthandhavethetimeofhisnaturallybrightyounglife。Afterwhile，tho，hestubshistoeandlandsinthestickiness。"Well，well，hownicethisisonthefeet，sosoftandsoothing！"
　　Firstheputsonefootdownandpullsitout。Thatisalotoffun。
　　Itshowsheisnotaprisoner。Heisastrong-mindedfly。Hecanquititorplayinit，justashepleases。Afterwhileheputstwofeetdowninthestickiness。Itishardertopullthemout。Thenheputsthreedownandputsdownafewmoretryingtopullthemout。
　　"Really，"saysJohnnyFlybowingtohiscomradesalsostuckaroundhim，"really，boys，you’llhavetoexcusemenow。Good-bye！"Buthedoesn’tpullloose。Hefeelstiredandhesitsdowninthestickyflypaper。Itisafineplacetostickaround。Allhisyoungsetoffliesarearoundhim。Hedoeslikethecompany。Theyallfeelthesameway——theycanplayinthestickyflypaperorletitalone，justastheyplease，fortheyarestrong-mindedflies。Theyhaveanotherdrinkandsing，"Wewon’tgohometillmorning。"
　　Johnnymaygethome，buthewillleaveawingoraleg。
　　Mostofthemstay。Theyjustsettledownintothestickinesswithsleepingsickness。
　　ThetuitioninTheCollegeofNeedlessKnocksisveryhighindeed！
　　"Removed"or"KnockedOut"？
　　Themanwhogoestojailoughttocongratulatehimselfifheisguilty。Itisthemanwhodoesnotgetdiscoveredwhoistobepitied，forhemustgetsomemoreknocks。
　　Theworldlovestowriteresolutionsofrespect。Howoftenwewrite，"Whereas，ithaspleasedanall-wiseProvidencetoremove，"
　　whenwemightreasonablyaskwhetherthevictimwas"removed"ormerely"knockedout。"
　　ThereisagooddealofsuicidechargeduptoProvidence。
　　ChapterIII
　　TheCollegeofNeedfulKnocksTheBumpsThatBumpIntoUsBUToccasionallyallofusgetbumpsthatwedonotbumpinto。Theybumpintous。Theyaretheguideboardknocksthatpointustothehigherpathway。
　　Youwerebumpedyesterdayoryearsago。Maybethewoundhasnotyethealed。Maybeyouthinkitneverwillheal。Youwonderedwhyyouwerebumped。Someofyouinthisaudiencearejustnowwonderingwhy。
　　Youweredoingright——doingjustthebestyouknewhow——andyetsomeblowcamecrushinguponyouandgaveyoucruelpain。
　　Itbrokeyourheart。Youhavehadyourheartbroken。IhavehadmyheartbrokenmoretimesthanIcaretotalkaboutnow。Yourhomewasdarkened，yourplanswerewrecked，youthoughtyouhadnothingmoretolivefor。
　　Iamlikeyou。Ihavehadmoretroublethananybodyelse。Ihaveneverknownanyonewhohadnothadmoretroublethananyoneelse。
　　ButIamdiscoveringthatlifeonlygetsgoodafterwehavebeenkilledafewtimes。Eachdeathisalargerbirth。
　　Weallmustlearn，ifwehavenotalreadylearned，thattheseblowsarelessonsinTheCollegeofNeedfulKnocks。Theypointupwardtoahigherpaththanwehavebeentraveling。
　　Inotherwords，wearerawmaterial。Youknowwhatrawmaterialis——materialthatneedsmoreNeedfulKnockstomakeitmoreusefulandvaluable。
　　Theclothingwewear，thefoodweeat，thehousewelivein，allhavetohavetheNeedfulKnockstobecomeuseful。Andsodoeshumanityneedthesamepreparationforgreaterusefulness。
　　Ishouldliketoknoweverypersoninthisaudience。ButtheonesIshouldmostappreciateknowingaretheoneswhohaveknownthemostoftheseknocks——whohavefacedthegreatcrisesoflifeandhavebeentriedinthecruciblesofaffliction。ForIamlearningthattheselivesarethegoldtriedinthefire。
　　TheSorrowsofthePianoSeethepianoonthisstage？Goodevening，Mr。Piano。Iamgladtoseeyou。Youaresoshiny，beautiful，valuableandfullofmusic，ifproperlytreated。
　　Doyouknowhowyougotuponthisstage，Mr。Piano？Youwerebumpedhere。Thisisnoreflectionuponthejanitor。YoubecameapianobytheNeedfulKnocks。
　　Icanseeyoubackinyourcallowbeginnings，whenyouwerejustatree——atall，greentree。Youweregreen！Onlygreenthingsgrow。
　　Didyougetthemeaningofthat，children？Ihopeyouaregreen。
　　Thereyoustoodintheforest，aperfectlygood，greenyoungtree。
　　Yougotyourlessons，combedyourhair，wenttoSundayschoolandwerethebestyoungtreeyoucouldbe。
　　Thatiswhyyouwerebumped——becauseyouweregood！Therecameamanintothewoodswithanax，andhelookedforthebesttreestheretobump。Hebumpedyou——hityouwiththeax！Howithurtyou！
　　Andhowunjustitwas！Hekeptonhittingyou。"Theoperationwasjustterrible。"Finallyyoufell，crushed，broken，bleeding。
　　Itisaverysadstory。Theytookyouallbumpedandbleedingtothesawmillandtheybumpedandrippedyoumore。Theycutyouinpiecesandhammeredyoudaybyday。
　　Theydidnotbumpthelittle，crooked，dissipated，cigaret-stuntedtrees。Theywerenotworthbumping。
　　Butshake，Mr。Piano。Thatiswhyyouareonthisstage。Youwerebumpedhere。Allthebeauty，harmonyandvaluewerebumpedintoyou。
　　TheSufferingsoftheRedMudOnedayIwasuptheMissaberoadaboutahundredmilesnorthofDuluth，Minnesota，andcametoaholeintheground。Itwasabighole——aboutahalf-mileofhole。Thereweresteam-shovelsatworkthrowingoutofthatholewhatIthoughtwasredmud。
　　"Kindsir，whyaretheythrowingthatredmudoutofthathole？"I
　　askedanative。
　　"Thathain’tredmud。That’sironore，an’it’sthebestironoreintheworld。"
　　"Whatisitworth？"
　　"Ithain’tworthnothin’here;that’swhythey’removin’itaway。"
　　There’sredmudaroundeverycommunitythat"hain’tworthnothin’"
　　untilyoumoveit——sendittocollegeorsomewhere。
　　Notverylongafterthis，nearPittsburgh，Pennsylvania，Isawsomeofthissameredmud。IthadbeenmovedovertheGreatLakesandtherailstowhattheycallablastfurnace，thetechnologicalnameofwhichbeingTheCollegeofNeedfulKnocksforRedMud。
　　Iwatchedthisredmudmatriculateintoagreathopperwithlimestone，charcoalandothertextbooks。Thentheycorkeditupandschoolbegan。Theyroastedit。Itisagreatthingtoberoasted。
　　Whenitwasdoneroastingtheystopped。Haveyounoticedthattheyalwaysstopwhenanythingisdoneroasting？Ifweareyetgettingroasted，perhapswearenotdone！
　　Thentheypulledtheplugoutofthebottomofthecollegeandheldpromotionexercises。Theredmudsquirtedoutintothesand。Itwasnotredmudnow，becauseithadbeenroasted。Itwasafreshman——
　　pigiron，worthmorethanredmud，becauseithadbeenroasted。
　　Someofthepigironwentintoanotherdepartment，abigteakettle，whereitwasagainroasted，andnowitcameoutasophomore——steel，worthmorethanpigiron。
　　Someofthesophomoresteelwentupintoanothergradewhereitwasroastedyetagainandrolledthinintoajunior。Someofthatwentonupandup，ateverystepgettingmorepoundingandroastingandaffliction。
　　ItseemedasthoIcouldhearthesufferingredmudcryingout，"O，whydidtheytakemeawayfrommyhappyhole-in-the-ground？Whydotheypoundmeandbreakmyheart？Ihavebeengoodandfaithful。O，whydotheyroastme？O，I’llnevergetoverthis！"
　　Butaftertheyhadgivenitadiploma——apricemarktellinghowmuchithadbeenroasted——theytookitproudlyallovertheworld，labeled"MadeinAmerica。"Theyhungitinshowwindows，theyputitinglasscases。Manypeopleadmireditandsaid，"Isn’tthatfinework！"Theypaidmuchmoneyforitnow。Theypaidthemostmoneyforwhathadbeenroastedthemost。
　　Ifatonofthatredmudhadbecomewatch-springsorrazor-blades，thepricehadgoneupintothousandsofdollars。
　　Myfriends，youandIaretherawmaterial，thegreentrees，theredmud。TheNeedfulKnocksarenecessarytomakeusserviceable。
　　Everybumpisraisingourprice。Everybumpisdisclosingapathtoalargerlife。Thediamondandthechunkofsoftcoalareexactlythesamematerial，saythechemists。ButthediamondhasgonetoTheCollegeofNeedfulKnocksmorethanhashercrudesisterofthecoal-scuttle。
　　Thereisnohumandiamondthathasnotbeencrystallizedinthecruciblesofaffliction。Thereisnogoldthathasnotbeenrefinedinthefire。
　　CrippleTaughtbyBumpsOneeveningwhenIwastryingtolectureinachautauquatentinIllinois，acrippledwomanwaswheeledintothetentandbroughtrightdowntothefootoftheplatform。ThesubjectwasTheUniversityofHardKnocks。Presentlythecripple’sfacewasshiningbrighterthanthefootlights。
　　Sheknewabouttheknocks！
　　AfterwardsIwenttoher。"Littlelady，Iwanttothankyouforcominghere。IhavethefeelingthatIspokethewords，butyouarethelectureitself。"
　　Whatasmileshegaveme！"Yes，Iknowaboutthehardknocks，"shesaid。"Ihavebeeninpainmostofmylife。ButIhavelearnedallthatIknowsittinginthischair。Ihavelearnedtobepatientandkindandlovingandbrave。"
　　Theytoldmethiscrippledwomanwasthesweetest-spirited，best-lovedpersoninthetown。
　　Buthermotherpetulantlyinterruptedme。Shehadwheeledthecrippleintothetent。Shewastallandstately。Shewaswell-gowned。Shelivedinoneofthefinesthomesinthecity。Shehadeverythingthatmoneycouldbuy。Buthermoneyseemedunabletobuythefrownfromherface。
　　"Mr。LectureMan，"shesaid，"whyiseverybodyinterestedinmydaughterandnobodyinterestedinme？WhyismydaughterhappyandwhyamInothappy？Mydaughterisalwayshappyandshehasn’tasinglethingtomakeherhappy。Iamnothappy。Ihavenotbeenhappyforyears。WhyamInothappy？"
　　Whatwouldyouhavesaid？Justonthespurofthemoment——Isaid，"Madam，Idon’twanttobeunkind，butIreallythinkthereasonyouarenothappyisthatyouhaven’tbeenbumpedenough。"
　　IdiscoverwhenIamunhappyandselfishandpeopledon’tusemeright，Ineedanotherbump。
　　Thecripplegirlhadtraveledaheadofherjealousmother。Forselfishnesscripplesusmorethanparalysis。
　　SchoolsofSympathyWhenIseealongrowofcotsinahospitalorsanitarium，Iwanttocongratulatethepatientslyingthere。Theyarelearningthepreciouslessonsofpatience，sympathy，love，faithandcourage。
　　Theyaregettingtheeducationinthehumanitiestheworldneedsmorethantablesoflogarithms。Onlythosewhohavesufferedcansympathize。Theyaretobecomeapreciouspartofourpopulation。
　　Theworldneedsthemmorethanlibrariesandfoundations。
　　TheSilverLiningThereisnobackwardstepinlife。Whateverexperiencescometousaretrulynewchaptersofoureducationifwearewillingtolearnthem。
　　Wethinkthisistrueofthegoodthingsthatcometous，butwedonotwanttothinksoofthebadthings。Yetwegrowmoreinleanyearsthaninfatyears。Infatyearsweputitinourpockets。Inleanyearsweputitinourhearts。Materialandspiritualprosperitydonotoftentravelhand-in-hand。Whenwebecomemateriallyveryprosperous，somanyofusbegintosay，"IsnotthisBabylonthatIhavebuilded？"Andaboutthattimetherecomessomehandwritingonthewallandabumptosaveus。
　　Thinkofwhatmighthappentoyoutoday。Yourhomemightburn。Wedon’twantyourhometoburn，butsomebody’shomeisburningjustnow。Aconflagrationmightsweepyourtownfromthemap。Yourbusinessmightwreck。Yourfortunemightbesweptaway。Yourgoodnamemightbetarnished。Bereavementmighttakefromyoutheoneyoulovemost。
　　Youwouldneverknowhowmanyrealfriendsyouhaveuntilthen。Butlookout！Someofyourfriendswouldsay，"Iamsosorryforyou。
　　Youaredownandout。"Donotbelievethatyouaredownandout，foritisnottrue。Theoldenemyofhumanitywantsyoutobelieveyouaredownandout。Hewantsyoutosympathizewithyourself。Youareneverdownandout！
　　Thetruthis，anotherchapterofyourrealeducationhasbeenopened。WillyoureadthelessonoftheNeedfulKnocks？
　　Agreatconflagration，acyclone，arailroadwreck，anepidemicorotherpublicdisasterbringssympathy，bravery，brotherhoodandloveinitswake。
　　Thereisasilverliningtoeveryhardknockscloud。
　　OutofthetrenchesoftheGreatWarcomenationschastenedbysacrificeandpurgedoftheirdross。
　　ChapterIV
　　"ShakeTheBarrel"
　　HowWeDecideOurDestiniesNOWaswelearnthelessonsoftheNeedlessandtheNeedfulKnocks，wegetwisdom，understanding，happiness，strength，successandgreatness。Wegoupinlife。Webecomeeducated。Letmebringyouapictureofit。
　　Onedaythetrainstoppedatastationtotakewater。Besidethetrackwasagrocerywitharowofbarrelsofapplesinfront。Therewasonebarrelfullofbig，red，fatapples。Irushedoverandgotasackofthebig，red，fatapples。Laterasthetrainwasunderway，Ilookedinthesackanddiscoveredtherewasnotabig，red，fatapplethere。
　　AllIcouldfigureoutwasthattherewasonlyonelayerofthebig，red，fatapplesonthetop，andthegroceryman，notdesiringtospoilhissign，hadreacheddownunderthetoplayer。Hemusthavereachedtothebottom，forhegavemetheworstmessofruntsandwindfallsIeversawinonesack。ThethingsIsaidaboutthegrocerybusinessmusthavekepttherecordingangelbusy。
　　ThenIcalmeddown。Didthegrocerymandothatonpurpose？Doesthegrocerymaneverputthebigapplesontopandthelittleonesdownunderneath？
　　Doyou？Isthereagrocerymanintheaudience？
　　Manofsorrows，youhavebeenslandered。Itneveroccurredtomeuntilthatdayonthetrainthatthegrocerymandoesnotputthebigonesontopandthelittleonesdownunderneath。Hedoesnotneedtodoit。Itdoesitself。Itistheshakingofthebarrelthatpushesthebigonesupandthelittleonesdown。
　　ShaketoTheirPlacesYoulaugh？Youdon’tbelievethat？Maybeyourroadsaresogoodandsmooththatthingsdonotshakeontheroadtotown。ButbackintheBlackSwampofOhiowehadcorduroyroads。Didyoueverseeacorduroyroad？Itwasalayeroflogsinthemud。Ridingoveritwasthepoetryofmotion！Thewagon"hitthehighspots。"AndasI
　　hauledawagon-bedfullofapplestothecider-milloveracorduroyroad，theapplessortedoutbythejolting。Thebigappleswouldtrytogettothetop。Thelittle，runtyappleswouldtrytoholdamassmeetingatthebottom。
　　IsawthatforthirtyyearsbeforeIsawit。Didyouevernoticehowlongyouhavetoseemostthingsbeforeyouseethem？IsawthatwhenIplayedmarbles。Thebigmarbleswouldshaketothetopofmypocketandthelittleoneswouldrattledowntothebottom。
　　Youchildrentrythattomorrow。Donotwaitthirtyyearstolearnthatthebigonesshakeupandthelittleonesshakedown。Putsomebigonesandsomelittlethingsofaboutthesamedensityinaboxorothercontainerandshakethem。Youwillseethelargerthingsshakeupwardandthesmallershakedownward。Youwillseeeverythingshaketotheplaceitssizedetermines。Alittlelargeroneshakesalittlehigher，andalittlesmalleronealittlelower。
　　Whenthingsfindtheirplace，youcanshakeontilldoomsday，butyoucannotchangetheplaceofoneoftheobjects。
　　Mixthemupagainandshake。Watchthemallshakebackastheywerebefore，thelargestontopandthesmallestatthebottom。
　　LecturesinCansAtthisplacethelecturerexhibitsaglassjarmorethanhalf-filledwithsmallwhitebeansandafewwalnuts。
　　Letustrythatrightontheplatform。Hereisaglassjarandinsideofityouseetwosizesofobjects——alotoflittlewhitebeansandsomewalnuts。Youwillpardonmeforbringingsuchasimpleandcrudeapparatusbeforeyouinalecture，butIaskyourforbearance。Iamdiscoveringthatwecanhearfasterthrutheeyethanthrutheear。Iwanttomakethissovividthatyouwillneverforgetit，andIdonotwanttheseyoungpeopletolivethirtyyearsbeforetheyseeit。
　　Iftherearesermonsinstones，theremustbelecturesincans。
　　Thisisacannedlecture。Letthecantalktoyouawhile。
　　YounoteasIshakethejarthelittlebeansquicklysettledownandthebigwalnutsshakeup。Notonebeanasks，"WhichwaydoI
　　go？"Notonewalnutasks，"WhichwaydoIgo？"Eachoneautomaticallygoestherightway。Thelittleonesgodownandthebigonesgoup。
　　NotethatImixthemallupandthenshake。Notethattheyarrangethemselvesjustastheywerebefore。
　　Supposethoseobjectscouldtalk。IthinkIhearthatlittlestbeandowninthebottomsaying，"Helpme！Helpme！Iamsounfortunateandlowdown。Ineverhadnochancelikethembigonesupthere。
　　Helpmeup。"
　　Isay，"Yes，youlittlebean，I’llhelpyou。"SoIlifthimuptothetop。See！Ihaveboostedhim。Ihaveupliftedhim。
　　See，thecanshakes。Backtothebottomshakesthelittlebean。AndIhearhimsay，"King’sex！Islipped。TrythatagainandI’llstayontop。"SoIputhimbackagainontop。
　　Thecanshakes。Thelittlebeanagainshakesbacktothebottom。Heistoosmalltostayup。Hecannotstandprosperity。
　　ThenIhearLittleBeansay，"Well，ifIcannotgettothetop，youmakethembigonescomedown。Giveeveryoneanequalchance。"
　　SoIsay，"Yes，sir，LittleBean。Here，youbigonesontop，getdown。YouBigNutsgetrightdownthereonalevelwithLittleBean！"AndyouseeIputthemdown。
　　ButIshakethecan，andthebigonesgorightbacktothetopwiththesameshakesthatsendthelittleonesbacktothebottom。
　　Thereisonlyonewayforthoseobjectstochangetheirplaceinthecan。Liftingthemuporputtingthemdownwillnotdoit。Butchangetheirsize！
　　Equalityofpositiondemandsqualityofsize。Letthelittleonegrowbiggerandhewillshakeup。Letthebigonegrowsmallerandhewillshakedown。
　　TheShakingBarrelofLifeO，fellowapples！Weareallapplesinthebarreloflifeonthewaytothemarketplaceofthefuture。Itisacorduroyroadandthebarrelshakesallthetime。
　　Inthebarrelarebigapples，littleapples，freckledapples，speckledapples，greenapples，anddriedapples。Abadboyonthefrontrowshoutedtheothernight，"Androttenapples！"
　　Inotherwords，allthepeopleoftheworldareinthegreatbarreloflife。Thatbarrelisshakingallthetime。Everycommunityisshaking，everyplaceisshaking。Theoffices，theshops，thestores，theschools，thepulpits，thehomes——everyplacewhereweliveorworkisshaking。Lifeisaconstantsurvivalofthefittest。
　　Thesamelawthatshakesthelittleonesdownandthebigonesupinthatcanisshakingeverypersontotheplacehefitsinthebarreloflife。Itissendingsmallpeopledownandgreatpeopleup。
　　Anddoyounotseethatweareveryfoolishwhenwewanttobelifteduptosomebigplace，orwhenwewantsomebigpersontobeputdowntosomelittleplace？Wearefoolishlytryingtooverturntheeternallawoflife。
　　Weshakerightbacktotheplacesoursizedetermines。Wemustgetreadyforplacesbeforewecangetthemandkeepthem。
　　Theveryworstthingthatcanhappentoanybodyistobeartificiallyboostedupintosomeplacewhereherattles。
　　Ihearagooddealaboutdestiny。Somepeopleseemtothinkdestinyissomethinglikeatrainandifwedonotgettothedepotintimeourtrainofdestinywillrunoffandleaveus，andwewillhavenodestiny。Thereisdestiny——thatjar。
　　Ifwearesmallweshallhaveasmalldestiny。Ifwearegreatweshallhaveagreatdestiny。Wecannotdodgeourdestiny。
　　KingsandQueensofDestinyTheobjectsinthatjarcannotchangetheirsize。ButthankGod，youandIarenothelplessvictimsofblindfate。Wearenotcreaturesofchance。Wehaveitinourhandstodecideourdestinyaswegroworrefusetogrow。
　　Weshakedownifwebecomesmall;weshakeupifwebecomegreat。
　　Andwhenwehavereachedtheplaceoursizedetermines，westaytheresolongaswestaythatsize。
　　Ifwewishtochangeourplace，wemustfirstchangeoursize。Ifwewishtogodown，wemustgrowsmallerandweshallshakedown。
　　Ifwewishtogoup，wemustgrowgreater，andweshallshakeup。
　　Eachpersonisdoingoneofthreethingsconsciouslyorunconsciously。
　　1。Heisholdinghisplace。
　　2。Heisgoingdown。
　　3。Heisgoingup。
　　Inordertoholdhisplacehemustholdhissize。Hemustfilltheplace。Ifheshrinksuphewillrattle。Nobodycanstaylongwhereherattles。Natureabhorsarattler。Heshakesdowntoasmallerplace。
　　Inordertostaythesamesizehemustgrowenougheachdaytosupplythelossbyevaporation。Evaporationisgoingsteadilyoninlivesaswellasinliquids。Ifwearenotgrowingany，wearerattling。
　　WeCompelPromotionSoyouyoungpeopleshouldkeepinmindthatyouwillshakeintotheplacesyoufit。Andwhenyouareinyourplaces——instores，shops，officesorelsewhere，ifyouwanttoholdyourplaceyoumustkeepgrowingenoughtokeepittightlyfilled。
　　Ifyouwantagreaterplace，yousimplygrowgreaterandtheycannotkeepyoudown。Youdonotaskforpromotion，youcompelpromotion。Yougrowgreater，enlargeyourdimensions，developnewcapabilities，domorethanyouarepaidtodo——overfillyourplace，andyoushakeuptoagreaterplace。
　　IbelieveifIweresofortunateorunfortunateastohaveanumberofpeopleworkingforme，Iwouldhaveajarinmyofficefilledwithvarioussizesofobjects。Whenanemployeewouldcomeintotheofficeandsay，"Isn’titabouttimeIwasgettingaraise？"I
　　wouldsay，"Goshakethejar，Charlie。Thatisthewayyougetraised。Asyougrowgreateryouwon’tneedtoasktobepromoted。
　　Youwillpromoteyourself。"
　　"GoodLuck"and"BadLuck"
　　Thisjartellsmesomuchaboutluck。Ihavenotedthattheluckypeopleshakeupandtheunluckypeopleshakedown。Thatis，theluckypeoplegrowgreatandtheunluckypeopleshrivelandrattle。
　　NoticeasIbumpthisjar。Twothingshappened。Thelittleonesshookdownandthebigonesshookup。Thebumpthatwasbadlucktothelittleoneswasgoodlucktothebigones。Thesamebumpwasbothgoodluckandbadluck。
　　Luckdoesnotdependuponthedirectionofthebump，butuponthesizeofthebump-ee！
　　The"Lucky"OneSoeverywhereyoulookyouseethebarrelsortingpeopleaccordingtosize。EverybusinessconcerncantellyoustorieslikethatoftheChicagohousewhereanumberofyoungladiesworked。Someofthemhadbeenthereforalongtime。Therecamearaw，greenDutchgirlfromthecountry。Itwasherfirstofficeexperience，andshegotthebottomjob。
　　Theothergirlspokedfunatherandplayedjokesuponherbecauseshewassogreen。