APLAY
　　CHARACTERS
　　NICHOLASIVANOFF，perpetualmemberoftheCouncilofPeasantAffairsANNA，hiswife。NeeSarahAbramsonMATTHEWSHABELSKI，acount，uncleofIvanoffPAULLEBEDIEFF，PresidentoftheBoardoftheZemstvoZINAIDA，hiswifeSASHA，theirdaughter，twentyyearsoldLVOFF，ayounggovernmentdoctorMARTHABABAKINA，ayoungwidow，ownerofanestateanddaughterofarichmerchantKOSICH，anexcisemanMICHAELBORKIN，adistantrelativeofIvanoff，andmanagerofhisestateAVDOTIANAZAROVNA，anoldwomanGEORGE，liveswiththeLebedieffsFIRSTGUEST
　　SECONDGUEST
　　THIRDGUEST
　　FOURTHGUEST
　　PETER，aservantofIvanoffGABRIEL，aservantofLebedieffGUESTSOFBOTHSEXES
　　TheplaytakesplaceinoneoftheprovincesofcentralRussiaIVANOFF
　　ACTI
　　ThegardenofIVANOFF’Scountryplace。Ontheleftisaterraceandthefacadeofthehouse。Onewindowisopen。Belowtheterraceisabroadsemicircularlawn，fromwhichpathsleadtorightandleftintoagarden。Ontherightareseveralgardenbenchesandtables。Alampisburningononeofthetables。Itisevening。Asthecurtainrisessoundsofthepianoandvioloncelloareheard。
　　IVANOFFissittingatatablereading。
　　BORKIN，intop-bootsandcarryingagun，comesinfromtherearofthegarden。Heisalittletipsy。AsheseesIVANOFFhecomestowardhimontiptoe，andwhenhecomesoppositehimhestopsandpointsthegunathisface。
　　IVANOFF。[CatchessightofBORKIN。Shuddersandjumpstohisfeet]Misha！Whatareyoudoing？Youfrightenedme！Ican’tstandyourstupidjokeswhenIamsonervousasthis。Andhavingfrightenedme，youlaugh！[Hesitsdown。]
　　BORKIN。[Laughingloudly]There，Iamsorry，really。Iwon’tdoitagain。IndeedIwon’t。[Takeoffhiscap]Howhotitis！Justthink，mydearboy，Ihavecoveredtwelvemilesinthelastthreehours。Iamwornout。Justfeelhowmyheartisbeating。
　　IVANOFF。[Goesonreading]Oh，verywell。Ishallfeelitlater！
　　BORKIN。No，feelitnow。[HetakesIVANOFF’Shandandpressesitagainsthisbreast]Canyoufeelitthumping？ThatmeansthatitisweakandthatImaydiesuddenlyatanymoment。WouldyoubesorryifIdied？
　　IVANOFF。Iamreadingnow。Ishallattendtoyoulater。
　　BORKIN。No，seriously，wouldyoubesorryifIdied？Nicholas，wouldyoubesorryifIdied？
　　IVANOFF。Leavemealone！
　　BORKIN。Come，tellmeifyouwouldbesorryornot。
　　IVANOFF。Iamsorrythatyousmellsoofvodka，Misha，itisdisgusting。
　　BORKIN。DoIsmellofvodka？Howstrange！Andyet，itisnotsostrangeafterall。Imetthemagistrateontheroad，andImustadmitthatwediddrinkabouteightglassestogether。Strictlyspeaking，ofcourse，drinkingisveryharmful。Listen，itisharmful，isn’tit？Isit？Isit？
　　IVANOFF。Thisisunendurable！Letmewarnyou，Misha，thatyouaregoingtoofar。
　　BORKIN。Well，well，excuseme。Sitherebyyourselfthen，forheaven’ssake，ifitamusesyou。[Getsupandgoesaway]Whatextraordinarypeopleonemeetsintheworld。Theywon’tevenallowthemselvestobespokento。[Hecomesback]Oh，yes，I
　　nearlyforgot。Pleaseletmehaveeighty-tworoubles。
　　IVANOFF。Whydoyouwanteighty-tworoubles？
　　BORKIN。Topaytheworkmento-morrow。
　　IVANOFF。Ihaven’tthemoney。
　　BORKIN。Manythanks。[Angrily]Soyouhaven’tthemoney！Andyettheworkmenmustbepaid，mustn’tthey？
　　IVANOFF。Idon’tknow。Waittillmysalarycomesinonthefirstofthemonth。
　　BORKIN。Howisitpossibletodiscussanythingwithamanlikeyou？Can’tyouunderstandthattheworkmenarecomingto-morrowmorningandnotonthefirstofthemonth？
　　IVANOFF。HowcanIhelpit？I’llbehangedifIcandoanythingaboutitnow。AndwhatdoyoumeanbythisirritatingwayyouhaveofpesteringmewheneverIamtryingtoreadorwriteor——-
　　BORKIN。Musttheworkmenbepaidornot，Iaskyou？But，goodgracious！Whatistheuseoftalkingtoyou！[Waveshishand]Doyouthinkbecauseyouownanestateyoucancommandthewholeworld？Withyourtwothousandacresandyouremptypocketsyouarelikeamanwhohasacellarfullofwineandnocorkscrew。I
　　havesoldtheoatsastheystandinthefield。Yes，sir！Andto-morrowIshallselltheryeandthecarriagehorses。[Hestampsupanddown]DoyouthinkIamgoingtostanduponceremonywithyou？Certainlynot！Iamnotthatkindofaman！
　　ANNAappearsattheopenwindow。
　　ANNA。WhosevoicedidIhearjustnow？Wasityours，Misha？Whyareyoustampingupanddown？
　　BORKIN。AnybodywhohadanythingtodowithyourNicholaswouldstampupanddown。
　　ANNA。Listen，Misha！Pleasehavesomehaycarriedontothecroquetlawn。
　　BORKIN。[Waveshishand]Leavemealone，please！
　　ANNA。Oh，whatmanners！Theyarenotbecomingtoyouatall。Ifyouwanttobelikedbywomenyoumustneverletthemseeyouwhenyouareangryorobstinate。[Toherhusband]Nicholas，letusgoandplayonthelawninthehay！
　　IVANOFF。Don’tyouknowitisbadforyoutostandattheopenwindow，Annie？[Calls]Shutthewindow，Uncle！
　　[Thewindowisshutfromtheinside。]
　　BORKIN。Don’tforgetthattheinterestonthemoneyyouoweLebedieffmustbepaidintwodays。
　　IVANOFF。Ihaven’tforgottenit。IamgoingovertoseeLebediefftodayandshallaskhimtowait[Helooksathiswatch。]
　　BORKIN。Whenareyougoing？
　　IVANOFF。Atonce。
　　BORKIN。Wait！Wait！Isn’tthisSasha’sbirthday？Soitis！Theideaofmyforgettingit。WhatamemoryIhave。[Jumpsabout]I
　　shallgowithyou！[Sings]Ishallgo，Ishallgo！Nicholas，oldman，youarethejoyofmylife。Ifyouwerenotalwayssonervousandcrossandgloomy，youandIcoulddogreatthingstogether。Iwoulddoanythingforyou。ShallImarryMarthaBabakinaandgiveyouhalfherfortune？Thatis，nothalf，either，butall——takeitall！
　　IVANOFF。Enoughofthisnonsense！
　　BORKIN。No，seriously，shan’tImarryMarthaandhalvethemoneywithyou？Butno，whyshouldIproposeit？Howcanyouunderstand？[Angrily]Yousaytome："Stoptalkingnonsense！"Youareagoodmanandacleverone，butyouhaven’tanyredbloodinyourveinsorany——well，enthusiasm。Why，ifyouwantedto，youandIcouldcutadashtogetherthatwouldshamethedevilhimself。Ifyouwereanormalmaninsteadofamorbidhypochondriacwewouldhaveamillioninayear。Forinstance，ifIhadtwenty-threehundredroublesnowIcouldmaketwentythousandintwoweeks。Youdon’tbelieveme？Youthinkitisallnonsense？No，itisn’tnonsense。Givemetwenty-threehundredroublesandletmetry。Ofsianoffissellingastripoflandacrosstheriverforthatprice。Ifwebuythis，bothbankswillbeours，andweshallhavetherighttobuildadamacrosstheriver。Isn’tthatso？Wecansaythatweintendtobuildamill，andwhenthepeopleontheriverbelowushearthatwemeantodamtherivertheywill，ofcourse，objectviolentlyandweshallsay：Ifyoudon’twantadamhereyouwillhavetopaytogetusaway。Doyouseetheresult？Thefactorywouldgiveusfivethousandroubles，Korolkoffthreethousand，themonasteryfivethousandmore——
　　IVANOFF。Allthatissimplyidiotic，Misha。Ifyoudon’twantmetolosemytemperyoumustkeepyourschemestoyourself。
　　BORKIN。[Sitsdownatthetable]Ofcourse！Iknewhowitwouldbe！Youneverwillactforyourself，andyoutiemyhandssothatIamhelpless。
　　EnterSHABELSKIandLVOFF。
　　SHABELSKI。Theonlydifferencebetweenlawyersanddoctorsisthatlawyerssimplyrobyou，whereasdoctorsbothrobyouandkillyou。Iamnotreferringtoanyonepresent。[Sitsdownonthebench]Theyareallfraudsandswindlers。PerhapsinArcadiayoumightfindanexceptiontothegeneralruleandyet——Ihavetreatedthousandsofsickpeoplemyselfinmylife，andIhavenevermetadoctorwhodidnotseemtometobeanunmistakablescoundrel。
　　BORKIN。[ToIVANOFF]Yes，youtiemyhandsandneverdoanythingforyourself，andthatiswhyyouhavenomoney。
　　SHABELSKI。AsIsaidbefore，Iamnotreferringtoanyonehereatpresent；theremaybeexceptionsthough，afterall——[Heyawns。]
　　IVANOFF。[Shutshisbook]Whathaveyoutotellme，doctor？
　　LVOFF。[Lookstowardthewindow]ExactlywhatIsaidthismorning：shemustgototheCrimeaatonce。[Walksupanddown。]
　　SHABELSKI。[Burstsoutlaughing]TotheCrimea！Whydon’tyouandIsetupasdoctors，Misha？Then，ifsomeMadameAngotorOpheliafindstheworldtiresomeandbeginstocoughandbeconsumptive，allweshallhavetodowillbetowriteoutaprescriptionaccordingtothelawsofmedicine：thatis，first，weshallorderherayoungdoctor，andthenajourneytotheCrimea。TheresomefascinatingyoungTartar——-
　　IVANOFF。[Interrupting]Oh，don’tbecoarse！[ToLVOFF]IttakesmoneytogototheCrimea，andevenifIcouldaffordit，youknowshehasrefusedtogo。
　　LVOFF。Yes，shehas。[Apause。]
　　BORKIN。Lookhere，doctor，isAnnareallysoillthatsheabsolutelymustgototheCrimea？
　　LVOFF。[Lookingtowardthewindow]Yes，shehasconsumption。
　　BORKIN。Whew！Howsad！Ihaveseeninherfaceforsometimethatshecouldnotlastmuchlonger。
　　LVOFF。Can’tyouspeakquietly？Shecanheareverythingyousay。
　　[Apause。]
　　BORKIN。[Sighing]Thelifeofmanislikeaflower，bloomingsogailyinafield。Then，alongcomesagoat，heeatsit，andtheflowerisgone！
　　SHABELSKI。Oh，nonsense，nonsense。[Yawning]Everythingisafraudandaswindle。[Apause。]
　　BORKIN。Gentlemen，IhavebeentryingtotellNicholashowhecanmakesomemoney，andhavesubmittedabrilliantplantohim，butmyseed，asusual，hasfallenonbarrensoil。Lookwhatasightheisnow：dull，cross，bored，peevish——-
　　SHABELSKI。[Getsupandstretcheshimself]Youarealwaysinventingschemesforeverybody，youcleverfellow，andtellingthemhowtolive；can’tyoutellmesomething？Givemesomegoodadvice，youingeniousyoungman。Showmeagoodmovetomake。
　　BORKIN。[Gettingup]Iamgoingtohaveaswim。Goodbye，gentlemen。[ToShabelski]Thereareatleasttwentygoodmovesyoucouldmake。IfIwereyouIshouldhavetwentythousandroublesinaweek。
　　[Hegoesout；SHABELSKIfollowshim。]
　　SHABELSKI。Howwouldyoudoit？Come，explain。
　　BORKIN。Thereisnothingtoexplain，itissosimple。[Comingback]Nicholas，givemearouble。
　　IVANOFFsilentlyhandshimthemoneyBORKIN。Thanks。Shabelski，youstillholdsometrumpcards。
　　SHABELSKIfollowshimout。
　　SHABELSKI。Well，whatarethey？
　　BORKIN。IfIwereyouIshouldhavethirtythousandroublesandmoreinaweek。[Theygoouttogether。]
　　IVANOFF。[Afterapause]Uselesspeople，uselesstalk，andthenecessityofansweringstupidquestions，haveweariedmeso，doctor，thatIamill。IhavebecomesoirritableandbitterthatIdon’tknowmyself。Myheadachesfordaysatatime。Iheararinginginmyears，Ican’tsleep，andyetthereisnoescapefromitall，absolutelynone。
　　LVOFF。Ivanoff，Ihavesomethingserioustospeaktoyouabout。
　　IVANOFF。Whatisit？
　　LVOFF。Itisaboutyourwife。SherefusestogototheCrimeaalone，butshewouldgowithyou。
　　IVANOFF。[Thoughtfully]Itwouldcostagreatdealforusbothtogo，andbesides，Icouldnotgetleavetobeawayforsolong。I
　　havehadoneholidayalreadythisyear。
　　LVOFF。Verywell，letusadmitthat。Nowtoproceed。Thebestcureforconsumptionisabsolutepeaceofmind，andyourwifehasnonewhatever。Sheisforeverexcitedbyyourbehaviourtoher。
　　Forgiveme，Iamexcitedandamgoingtospeakfrankly。Yourtreatmentofheriskillingher。[Apause]Ivanoff，letmebelievebetterthingsofyou。
　　IVANOFF。Whatyousayistrue，true。Imustbeterriblyguilty，butmymindisconfused。Mywillseemstobeparalysedbyakindofstupor；Ican’tunderstandmyselforanyoneelse。[Lookstowardthewindow]Come，letustakeawalk，wemightbeoverheardhere。[Theygetup]Mydearfriend，youshouldhearthewholestoryfromthebeginningifitwerenotsolongandcomplicatedthattotellitwouldtakeallnight。[Theywalkupanddown]Annaisasplendid，anexceptionalwoman。Shehasleftherfaith，herparentsandherfortuneformysake。IfIshoulddemandahundredothersacrifices，shewouldconsenttoeveryonewithoutthequiverofaneyelid。Well，Iamnotaremarkablemaninanyway，andhavesacrificednothing。However，thestoryisalongone。Inshort，thewholepointis，mydeardoctor——
　　[Confused]thatImarriedherforloveandpromisedtoloveherforever，andnowafterfiveyearsshelovesmestillandI——[Hewaveshishand]Now，whenyoutellmesheisdying，Ifeelneitherlovenorpity，onlyasortoflonelinessandweariness。
　　Toallappearancesthismustseemhorrible，andIcannotunderstandmyselfwhatishappeningtome。[Theygoout。]
　　SHABELSKIcomesin。
　　SHABELSKI。[Laughing]Uponmyword，thatmanisnoscoundrel，butagreatthinker，amaster-mind。Hedeservesamemorial。Heistheessenceofmoderningenuity，andcombinesinhimselfalonethegeniusofthelawyer，thedoctor，andthefinancier。[Hesitsdownontheloweststepoftheterrace]Andyethehasneverfinishedacourseofstudiesinanycollege；thatissosurprising。Whatanidealscoundrelhewouldhavemadeifhehadacquiredalittlecultureandmasteredthesciences！"Youcouldmaketwentythousandroublesinaweek，"hesaid。"Youstillholdtheaceoftrumps：itisyourtitle。"[Laughing]HesaidImightgetarichgirltomarrymeforit！[ANNAopensthewindowandlooksdown]"LetmemakeamatchbetweenyouandMartha，"sayshe。WhoisthisMartha？ItmustbethatBalabalkina——Babakalkinawoman，theonethatlookslikealaundress。
　　ANNA。Isthatyou，Count？
　　SHABELSKI。Whatdoyouwant？
　　ANNAlaughs。
　　SHABELSKI。[WithaJewishaccent]Vydoyoulaugh？
　　ANNA。Iwasthinkingofsomethingyousaidatdinner，doyouremember？Howwasit——aforgiventhief，adoctoredhorse。
　　SHABELSKI。Aforgiventhief，adoctoredhorse，andaChristianisedJewareallworththesameprice。
　　ANNA。[Laughing]Youcan’tevenrepeatthesimplestsayingwithoutill-nature。Youareamostmaliciousoldman。[Seriously]
　　Seriously，Countyouareextremelydisagreeable，andverytiresomeandpainfultolivewith。Youarealwaysgrumblingandgrowling，andeverybodytoyouisablackguardandascoundrel。
　　Tellmehonestly，Count，haveyoueverspokenwellofanyone？
　　SHABELSKI。Isthisaninquisition？
　　ANNA。Wehavelivedunderthissameroofnowforfiveyears，andIhaveneverheardyouspeakkindlyofpeople，orwithoutbitternessandderision。Whatharmhastheworlddonetoyou？Isitpossiblethatyouconsideryourselfbetterthananyoneelse？
　　SHABELSKI。Notatall。Ithinkweareallofusscoundrelsandhypocrites。Imyselfamadegradedoldman，andasuselessasacast-offshoe。Iabusemyselfasmuchasanyoneelse。Iwasrichonce，andfree，andhappyattimes，butnowIamadependent，anobjectofcharity，ajoketotheworld。WhenIamatlastexasperatedanddefythem，theyanswermewithalaugh。WhenI
　　laugh，theyshaketheirheadssadlyandsay，"Theoldmanhasgonemad。"ButoftenestofallIamunheardandunnoticedbyeveryone。
　　ANNA。[Quietly]Screamingagain。
　　SHABELSKI。Whoisscreaming？
　　ANNA。Theowl。Itscreamseveryevening。
　　SHABELSKI。Letitscream。Thingsareasbadastheycanbealready。[Stretcheshimself]Alas，mydearSarah！IfIcouldonlywinathousandortworoubles，IshouldsoonshowyouwhatI
　　coulddo。Iwishyoucouldseeme！Ishouldgetawayoutofthishole，andleavethebreadofcharity，andshouldnotshowmynosehereagainuntilthelastjudgmentday。
　　ANNA。Whatwouldyoudoifyouweretowinsomuchmoney？
　　SHABELSKI。[Thoughtfully]FirstIwouldgotoMoscowtoheartheGipsiesplay，andthen——thenIshouldflytoParisandtakeanapartmentandgototheRussianChurch。
　　ANNA。Andwhatelse？
　　SHABELSKI。Iwouldgoandsitonmywife’sgravefordaysanddaysandthink。IwouldsitthereuntilIdied。MywifeisburiedinParis。[Apause。]
　　ANNA。Howterriblydullthisis！Shallweplayaduet？
　　SHABELSKI。Asyoulike。Goandgetthemusicready。[ANNAgoesout。]
　　IVANOFFandLVOFFappearinoneofthepaths。
　　IVANOFF。Mydearfriend，youleftcollegelastyear，andyouarestillyoungandbrave。Beingthirty-fiveyearsoldIhavetherighttoadviseyou。Don’tmarryaJewessorabluestockingorawomanwhoisqueerinanyway。Choosesomenice，common-placegirlwithoutanystrangeandstartlingpointsinhercharacter。
　　Planyourlifeforquiet；thegreyerandmoremonotonousyoucanmakethebackground，thebetter。Mydearboy，donottrytofightaloneagainstthousands；donottiltwithwindmills；donotdashyourselfagainsttherocks。And，aboveall，mayyoubesparedtheso-calledrationallife，allwildtheoriesandimpassionedtalk。
　　EverythingisinthehandsofGod，soshutyourselfupinyourshellanddoyourbest。Thatisthepleasant，honest，healthywaytolive。ButthelifeIhavechosenhasbeensotiring，oh，sotiring！Sofullofmistakes，ofinjusticeandstupidity！[CatchessightofSHABELSKI，andspeaksangrily]Thereyouareagain，Uncle，alwaysunderfoot，neverlettingonehaveamoment’squiettalk！
　　SHABELSKI。[Inatearfulvoice]Istherenorefugeanywhereforapoorolddevillikeme？[Hejumpsupandrunsintothehouse。]
　　IVANOFF。NowIhaveoffendedhim！Yes，mynerveshavecertainlygonetopieces。Imustdosomethingaboutit，Imust——-
　　LVOFF。[Excitedly]Ivanoff，Ihaveheardallyouhavetosayand——and——Iamgoingtospeakfrankly。Youhaveshownmeinyourvoiceandmanner，aswellasinyourwords，themostheartlessegotismandpitilesscruelty。Yournearestfriendisdyingsimplybecausesheisnearyou，herdaysarenumbered，andyoucanfeelsuchindifferencethatyougoaboutgivingadviceandanalysingyourfeelings。IcannotsayallIshouldliketo；Ihavenotthegiftofwords，but——butIcanatleastsaythatyouaredeeplyantipathetictome。
　　IVANOFF。IsupposeIam。Asanonlooker，ofcourseyouseememoreclearlythanIseemyself，andyourjudgmentofmeisprobablyright。NodoubtI
　　amterriblyguilty。[Listens]IthinkIhearthecarriagecoming。Imustgetreadytogo。[Hegoestowardthehouseandthenstops]Youdislikeme，doctor，andyoudon’tconcealit。
　　Yoursinceritydoesyoucredit。[Hegoesintothehouse。]
　　LVOFF。[Alone]Whataconfoundedlydisagreeablecharacter！IhaveletanotheropportunityslipwithoutspeakingtohimasImeantto，butIsimplycannottalkcalmlytothatman。ThemomentI
　　openmymouthtospeakIfeelsuchacommotionandsuffocationhere[Heputshishandonhisbreast]thatmytonguestickstotheroofofmymouth。Oh，IloathethatTartuffe，thatunmitigatedrascal，withallmyheart！Thereheis，preparingtogodrivinginspiteoftheentreatiesofhisunfortunatewife，whoadoreshimandwhoseonlyhappinessishispresence。Sheimploreshimtospendatleastoneeveningwithher，andhecannotevendothat。Why，hemightshoothimselfindespairifhehadtostayathome！Poorfellow，whathewantsarenewfieldsforhisvillainousschemes。Oh，IknowwhyyougotoLebedieff’severyevening，Ivanoff！Iknow。
　　EnterIVANOFF，inhatandcoat，ANNAandSHABELSKI
　　SHABELSKI。Lookhere，Nicholas，thisissimplybarbarousYougoawayeveryeveningandleaveusherealone，andwegetsoboredthatwehavetogotobedateighto’clock。Itisascandal，andnodecentwayofliving。Whycanyougodrivingifwecan’t？Why？
　　ANNA。Leavehimalone，Count。Lethimgoifhewantsto。
　　IVANOFF。Howcanasickwomanlikeyougoanywhere？Youknowyouhaveacoughandmustnotgooutaftersunset。Askthedoctorhere。Youarenochild，Annie，youmustbereasonable。Andasforyou，whatwouldyoudowithyourselfoverthere？
　　SHABELSKI。Iamreadytogoanywhere：intothejawsofacrocodile，orevenintothejawsofhell，solongasIdon’thavetostayhere。Iamhorriblybored。Iamstupefiedbythisdullness。Everyonehereistiredofme。YouleavemeathometoentertainAnna，butIfeelmorelikescratchingandbitingher。
　　ANNA。Leavehimalone，Count。Leavehimalone。Lethimgoifheenjoyshimselfthere。
　　IVANOFF。Whatdoesthismean，Annie？YouknowIamnotgoingforpleasure。ImustseeLebedieffaboutthemoneyIowehim。
　　ANNA。Idon’tseewhyyouneedjustifyyourselftome。Goahead！
　　Whoiskeepingyou？
　　IVANOFF。Heavens！Don’tletusbiteoneanother’sheadsoff。Isthatreallyunavoidable？
　　SHABELSKI。[Tearfully]Nicholas，mydearboy，dopleasetakemewithyou。ImightpossiblybeamusedalittlebythesightofallthefoolsandscoundrelsIshouldseethere。YouknowIhaven’tbeenoffthisplacesinceEaster。
　　IVANOFF。[Exasperated]Oh，verywell！Comealongthen！Howtiresomeyouallare！
　　SHABELSKI。Imaygo？Oh，thankyou！[Takeshimgailybythearmandleadshimaside]MayIwearyourstrawhat？
　　IVANOFF。Youmay，onlyhurry，please。
　　SHABELSKIrunsintothehouse。
　　IVANOFF。HowtiredIamofyouall！Butno，whatamIsaying？
　　Annie，mymannertoyouisinsufferable，anditneverusedtobe。
　　Well，good-bye，Annie。Ishallbebackbyone。
　　ANNA。Nicholas！Mydearhusband，stayathometo-night！
　　IVANOFF。[Excitedly]Darling，sweetheart，mydear，unhappyone，I
　　imploreyoutoletmeleavehomeintheevenings。Iknowitiscruelandunjusttoaskthis，butletmedoyouthisinjustice。
　　Itissuchtortureformetostay。Assoonasthesungoesdownmysoulisoverwhelmedbythemosthorribledespair。Don’taskmewhy；Idon’tknow；IswearIdon’t。Thisdreadfulmelancholytormentsmehere，itdrivesmetotheLebedieff’sandthereitgrowsworsethanever。Irushhome；itstillpursuesme；andsoI
　　amtorturedallthroughthenight。Itisbreakingmyheart。
　　ANNA。Nicholas，won’tyoustay？Wewilltalktogetherasweusedto。Wewillhavesuppertogetherandreadafterward。TheoldgrumblerandIhavelearnedsomanyduetstoplaytoyou。[Shekisseshim。Then，afterapause]Ican’tunderstandyouanymore。
　　Thishasbeengoingonforayearnow。Whathaschangedyouso？
　　IVANOFF。Idon’tknow。
　　ANNA。Andwhydon’tyouwantmetogodrivingwithyouintheevening？
　　IVANOFF。Asyouinsistonknowing，Ishallhavetotellyou。Itisalittlecruel，butyouhadbestunderstand。WhenthismelancholyfitisonmeIbegintodislikeyou，Annie，andatsuchtimesImustescapefromyou。Inshort，Isimplyhavetoleavethishouse。
　　ANNA。Oh，youaresad，areyou？Icanunderstandthat！Nicholas，letmetellyousomething：won’tyoutrytosingandlaughandscoldasyouusedto？Stayhere，andwewilldrinksomeliqueurtogether。andlaugh，andchaseawaythissadnessofyoursinnotime。ShallIsingtoyou？Orshallwesitinyourstudyinthetwilightasweusedto，whileyoutellmeaboutyoursadness？I
　　canreadsuchsufferinginyoureyes！Letmelookintothemandweep，andourheartswillbothbelighter。[Shelaughsandcriesatonce]Orisitreallytruethattheflowersreturnwitheveryspring，butlosthappinessneverreturns？Oh，isit？Well，gothen，go！
　　IVANOFF。Prayforme，Annie！[Hegoes；thenstopsandthinksforamoment]No，Ican’tdoit。[IVANOFFgoesout。]
　　ANNA。Yes，go，go——[Sitsdownatthetable。]
　　LVOFF。[Walkingupanddown]Makethisarule，Madam：assoonasthesungoesdownyoumustgoindoorsandnotcomeoutagainuntilmorning。Thedampeveningairisbadforyou。
　　ANNA。Yes，sir！
　　LVOFF。Whatdoyoumeanby"Yes，sir"？Iamspeakingseriously。
　　ANNA。ButIdon’twanttobeserious。[Shecoughs。]
　　LVOFF。Therenow，yousee，youarecoughingalready。
　　SHABELSKIcomesoutofthehouseinhishatandcoat。
　　SHABELSKI。WhereisNicholas？Isthecarriagehereyet？[GoesquicklytoANNAandkissesherhand]Good-night，mydarling！
　　[MakesafaceandspeakswithaJewishaccent]Ibegyourbardon！
　　[Hegoesquicklyout。]
　　LVOFF。Idiot！
　　Apause；thesoundsofaconcertinaareheardinthedistance。
　　ANNA。Oh，howlonelyitis！Thecoachmanandthecookarehavingalittleballintherebythemselves，andI——Iam，asitwere，abandoned。Whyareyouwalkingabout，Doctor？Comeandsitdownhere。
　　LVOFF。Ican’tsitdown。
　　[Apause。]
　　ANNA。Theyareplaying"TheSparrow"inthekitchen。[Shesings]
　　"Sparrow，Sparrow，whereareyou？
　　Onthemountaindrinkingdew。"
　　[Apause]Areyourfatherandmotherliving，Doctor？
　　LVOFF。Mymotherisliving；myfatherisdead。
　　ANNA。Doyoumissyourmotherverymuch？
　　LVOFF。Iamtoobusytomissanyone。
　　ANNA。[Laughing]Theflowersreturnwitheveryspring，butlosthappinessneverreturns。Iwonderwhotaughtmethat？IthinkitwasNicholashimself。[Listens]Theowlishootingagain。
　　LVOFF。Well，letithoot。
　　ANNA。Ihavebeguntothink，Doctor，thatfatehascheatedme。
　　Otherpeoplewho，perhaps，arenobetterthanIamarehappyandhavenothadtopayfortheirhappiness。ButIhavepaidforitall，everymomentofit，andsuchaprice！WhyshouldIhavetopaysoterribly？Dearfriend，youarealltooconsiderateandgentlewithmetotellmethetruth；butdoyouthinkIdon’tknowwhatisthematterwithme？Iknowperfectlywell。However，thisisn’tapleasantsubject——[WithaJewishaccent]"Ibegyourbardon！"Canyoutellfunnystories？
　　LVOFF。No，Ican’t。
　　ANNA。Nicholascan。Iambeginningtobesurprised，too，attheinjusticeofpeople。Whydotheyreturnhatredforlove，andanswertruthwithlies？CanyoutellmehowmuchlongerIshallbehatedbymymotherandfather？Theylivefiftymilesaway，andyetIcanfeeltheirhatreddayandnight，eveninmysleep。AndhowdoyouaccountforthesadnessofNicholas？Hesaysthatheonlydislikesmeintheevening，whenthefitisonhim。I
　　understandthat，andcantolerateit，butwhatifheshouldcometodislikemealtogether？Ofcoursethatisimpossible，andyet——no，no，Imustn’tevenimaginesuchathing。[Sings]
　　"Sparrow，Sparrow，whereareyou？"
　　[Sheshudders]WhatfearfulthoughtsIhave！Youarenotmarried，Doctor；therearemanythingsthatyoucannotunderstand。
　　LVOFF。Yousayyouaresurprised，but——butitisyouwhosurpriseme。Tellme，explaintomehowyou，anhonestandintelligentwoman，almostasaint，couldallowyourselftobesobaselydeceivedanddraggedintothisdenofbears？Whyareyouhere？Whathaveyouincommonwithsuchacoldandheartless——butenoughofyourhusband！Whathaveyouincommonwiththesewickedandvulgarsurroundings？
　　Withthateternalgrumbler，thecrazyanddecrepitCount？Withthatswindler，thatprinceofrascals，Misha，withhisfool’sface？Tellme，Isay，howdidyougethere？
　　ANNA。[laughing]Thatiswhatheusedtosay，longago，oh，exactly！Onlyhiseyesarelargerthanyours，andwhenhewasexcitedtheyusedtoshinelikecoals——goon，goon！
　　LVOFF。[Getsupandwaveshishand]Thereisnothingmoretosay。
　　Gointothehouse。
　　ANNA。YousaythatNicholasisnotwhatheshouldbe，thathisfaultsaresoandso。Howcanyoupossiblyunderstandhim？Howcanyoulearntoknowanyoneinsixmonths？Heisawonderfulman，Doctor，andIamsorryyoucouldnothaveknownhimashewastwoorthreeyearsago。Heisdepressedandsilentnow，andbroodsalldaywithoutdoinganything，buthewassplendidthen。
　　Ifellinlovewithhimatfirstsight。[Laughing]Igaveonelookandwascaughtlikeamouseinatrap！SowhenheaskedmetogowithhimIcuteverytiethatboundmetomyoldlifeasonesnipsthewitheredleavesfromaplant。Butthingsaredifferentnow。NowhegoestotheLebedieff’stoamusehimselfwithotherwomen，andIsithereinthegardenandlistentotheowls。[TheWATCHMAN’Srattleisheard]Tellme，Doctor，haveyouanybrothersandsisters？
　　LVOFF。No。
　　ANNAsobs。
　　LVOFF。Whatisit？Whatisthematter？
　　ANNA。Ican’tstandit，Doctor，Imustgo。
　　LVOFF。Where？
　　ANNA。Tohim。Iamgoing。Havethehorsesharnessed。[Sherunsintothehouse。]
　　LVOFF。No，Icertainlycannotgoontreatinganyoneundertheseconditions。Inotonlyhavetodoitfornothing，butIamforcedtoendurethisagonyofmindbesides。No，no，Ican’tstandit。I
　　havehadenoughofit。[Hegoesintothehouse。]
　　Thecurtainfalls。
　　ACTII
　　Thedrawing-roomofLEBEDIEFF誗house。Inthecentreisadoorleadingintoagarden。Doorsopenoutoftheroomtotherightandleft。Theroomisfurnishedwithvaluableoldfurniture，whichiscarefullyprotectedbylinencovers。Thewallsarehungwithpictures。Theroomislightedbycandelabra。ZINAIDAissittingonasofa；theelderlyguestsaresittinginarm-chairsoneitherhand。Theyoungguestsaresittingabouttheroomonsmallchairs。KOSICH，AVDOTIANAZAROVNA，GEORGE，andothersareplayingcardsinthebackground。GABRIELisstandingnearthedoorontheright。Themaidispassingsweetmeatsaboutonatray。Duringtheentireactguestscomeandgofromthegarden，throughtheroom，outofthedoorontheleft，andbackagain。
　　EnterMARTHAthroughthedoorontheright。ShegoestowardZINAIDA。
　　ZINAIDA。[Gaily]MydearestMartha！
　　MARTHA。Howdoyoudo，Zinaida？Letmecongratulateyouonyourdaughter’sbirthday。
　　ZINAIDA。Thankyou，mydear；Iamdelightedtoseeyou。Howareyou？
　　MARTHA。Verywellindeed，thankyou。[Shesitsdownonthesofa]
　　Goodevening，youngpeople！
　　Theyoungerguestsgetupandbow。
　　FIRSTGUEST。[Laughing]Youngpeopleindeed！Doyoucallyourselfanoldperson？
　　MARTHA。[Sighing]HowcanImakeanypretensetoyouthnow？
　　FIRSTGUEST。Whatnonsense！Thefactthatyouareawidowmeansnothing。Youcouldbeatanyprettygirlyouchoseatacanter。
　　GABRIELbringsMARTHAsometea。
　　ZINAIDA。Whydoyoubringtheteainlikethat？Goandfetchsomejamtoeatwithit！
　　MARTHA。Nothankyou；noneforme，don’ttroubleyourself。[A
　　pause。]
　　FIRSTGUEST。[ToMARTHA]DidyoucomethroughMushkineonyourwayhere？
　　MARTHA。No，IcamebywayofSpassk。Theroadisbetterthatway。
　　FIRSTGUEST。Yes，soitis。
　　KOSICH。Twoinspades。
　　GEORGE。Pass。
　　AVDOTIA。Pass。
　　SECONDGUEST。Pass。
　　MARTHA。Thepriceoflotteryticketshasgoneupagain，mydear。
　　Ihaveneverknownsuchastateofaffairs。Thefirstissueisalreadyworthtwohundredandseventyandthesecondnearlytwohundredandfifty。Thishasneverhappenedbefore。
　　ZINAIDA。Howfortunateforthosewhohaveagreatmanytickets！
　　MARTHA。Don’tsaythat，dear；evenwhenthepriceofticketsishighitdoesnotpaytoputone’scapitalintothem。
　　ZINAIDA。Quitetrue，andyet，mydear，onenevercantellwhatmayhappen。Providenceissometimeskind。
　　THIRDGUEST。Myimpressionis，ladies，thatatpresentcapitalisexceedinglyunproductive。Sharespayverysmalldividends，andspeculatingisexceedinglydangerous。AsIunderstandit，thecapitalistnowfindshimselfinamorecriticalpositionthanthemanwho——-
　　MARTHA。Quiteright。
　　FIRSTGUESTyawns。
　　MARTHA。Howdareyouyawninthepresenceofladies？
　　FIRSTGUEST。Ibegyourpardon！Itwasquiteanaccident。
　　ZINAIDAgetsupandgoesoutthroughthedoorontheright。
　　GEORGE。Twoinhearts。
　　SECONDGUEST。Pass。
　　KOSICH。Pass。
　　MARTHA。[Aside]Heavens！Thisisdeadly！Ishalldieofennui。
　　EnterZINAIDAandLEBEDIEFFthroughthedoorontheright。
　　ZINAIDA。Whydoyougooffbyyourselflikeaprimadonna？Comeandsitwithourguests！
　　[Shesitsdowninherformerplace。]
　　LEBEDIEFF。[Yawning]Oh，dear，oursinsareheavy！[HecatchessightofMARTHA]Why，thereismylittlesugar-plum！Howisyourmostesteemedhighness？
　　MARTHA。Verywell，thankyou。
　　LEBEDIEFF。Splendid，splendid！[Hesitsdowninanarmchair]
　　Quiteright——Oh，Gabriel！
　　GABRIELbringshimaglassofvodkaandatumblerofwater。Heemptiestheglassofvodkaandsipsthewater。
　　FIRSTGUEST。Goodhealthtoyou！
　　LEBEDIEFF。Goodhealthistoomuchtoask。Iamcontenttokeepdeathfromthedoor。[Tohiswife]Whereistheheroineofthisoccasion，Zuzu？
　　KOSICH。[Inaplaintivevoice]Lookhere，whyhaven’twetakenanytricksyet？[Hejumpsup]Yes，whyhavewelostthisgameentirely，confoundit？
　　AVDOTIA。[Jumpsupangrily]Because，friend，youdon’tknowhowtoplayit，andhavenorighttobesittinghereatall。Whatrighthadyoutoleadfromanothersuit？Haven’tyoutheaceleft？[Theybothleavethetableandrunforward。]
　　KOSICH。[Inatearfulvoice]Ladiesandgentlemen，letmeexplain！Ihadtheace，king，queen，andeightofdiamonds，theaceofspadesandone，justone，littleheart，doyouunderstand？
　　Well，she，badlucktoher，shecouldn’tmakealittleslam。I
　　saidoneinno-trumps——-*
　　*Thegameplayedisvint，thenationalcard-gameofRussiaandthedirectancestorofauctionbridge，withwhichitisalmostidentical。[translator’snote]
　　AVDOTIA。[Interruptinghim]No，Isaidoneinno-trumps；yousaidtwoinno-trumps——-
　　KOSICH。Thisisunbearable！Allowme——youhad——Ihad——youhad——
　　[ToLEBEDIEFF]Butyoushalldecideit，Paul：Ihadtheace，king，queen，andeightofdiamonds——-
　　LEBEDIEFF。[Putshisfingersintohisears]Stop，forheaven’ssake，stop！
　　AVDOTIA。[Yelling]Isaidno-trumps，andnothe！
　　KOSICH。[Furiously]I’llbedamnedifIeversitdowntoanothergameofcardswiththatoldcat！
　　Herushesintothegarden。TheSECONDGUESTfollowshim。GEORGE
　　isleftaloneatthetable。
　　AVDOTIA。Whew！Hemakesmybloodboil！Oldcat，indeed！You’reanoldcatyourself！
　　MARTHA。Howangryyouare，aunty！
　　AVDOTIA。[SeesMARTHAandclapsherhands]Areyouhere，mydarling？Mybeauty！AndwasIblindasabat，anddidn’tseeyou？
　　Darlingchild！[Shekissesherandsitsdownbesideher]Howhappythismakesme！Letmefeastmyeyesonyou，mymilk-whiteswan！Oh，oh，youhavebewitchedme！
　　LEBEDIEFF。Whydon’tyoufindherahusbandinsteadofsingingherpraises？
　　AVDOTIA。Heshallbefound。IshallnotgotomygravebeforeI
　　havefoundahusbandforher，andoneforSashatoo。Ishallnotgotomygrave——[Shesighs]Butwheretofindthesehusbandsnowadays？Theresitsomepossiblebridegroomsnow，huddledtogetherlikealotofhalf-drownedrats！
　　THIRDGUEST。Amostunfortunatecomparison！Itismybelief，ladies，thatiftheyoungmenofourdayprefertoremainsingle，thefaultliesnotwiththem，butwiththeexisting，socialconditions！
　　LEBEDIEFF。Come，enoughofthat！Don’tgiveusanymorephilosophy；Idon’tlikeit！
　　EnterSASHA。Shegoesuptoherfather。
　　SASHA。Howcanyouendurethestuffyairofthisroomwhentheweatherissobeautiful？
　　ZINAIDA。MydearSasha，don’tyouseethatMarthaishere？
　　SASHA。Ibegyourpardon。
　　[ShegoesuptoMARTHAandshakeshands。]
　　MARTHA。Yes，hereIam，mydearlittleSasha，andproudtocongratulateyou。[Theykisseachother]Manyhappyreturnsoftheday，dear！
　　SASHA。Thankyou！[Shegoesandsitsdownbyherfather。]
　　LEBEDIEFF。Asyouweresaying，AvdotiaNazarovna，husbandsarehardtofind。Idon’twanttoberude，butImustsaythattheyoungmenofthepresentareadullandpokylot，poorfellows！
　　Theycan’tdanceortalkordrinkastheyshoulddo。
　　AVDOTIA。Oh，asfarasdrinkinggoes，theyareallexperts。Justgivethem——givethem——-
　　LEBEDIEFF。Simplytodrinkisnoart。Ahorsecandrink。No，itmustbedoneintherightway。Inmyyoungdaysweusedtositandcudgelourbrainsalldayoverourlessons，butassoonaseveningcamewewouldflyoffonsomespreeandkeepituptilldawn。Howweusedtodanceandflirt，anddrink，too！Orsometimeswewouldsitandchatteranddiscusseverythingunderthesununtilwealmostwaggedourtonguesoff。Butnow——[Hewaveshishand]Boysareapuzzletome。TheyarenotwillingeithertogiveacandletoGodorapitchforktothedevil！Thereisonlyoneyoungfellowinthecountrywhoisworthapenny，andheismarried。[Sighs]Theysay，too，thatheisgoingcrazy。
　　MARTHA。Whoishe？
　　LEBEDIEFF。NicholasIvanoff。
　　MARTHA。Yes，heisafinefellow，only[Makesaface]heisveryunhappy。
　　ZINAIDA。Howcouldhebeotherwise，poorboy！[Shesighs]Hemadesuchabadmistake。WhenhemarriedthatJewessofhishethoughtofcoursethatherparentswouldgiveawaywholemountainsofgoldwithher，but，onthecontrary，onthedayshebecameaChristiantheydisownedher，andIvanoffhasneverseenapennyofthemoney。Hehasrepentedofhisfollynow，butitistoolate。
　　SASHA。Mother，thatisnottrue！
　　MARTHA。Howcanyousayitisnottrue，Sasha，whenweallknowittobeafact？WhydidhehavetomarryaJewess？Hemusthavehadsomereasonfordoingit。AreRussiangirlssoscarce？No，hemadeamistake，poorfellow，asadmistake。[Excitedly]Andwhatonearthcanhedowithhernow？Wherecouldshegoifheweretocomehomesomedayandsay："Yourparentshavedeceivedme；leavemyhouseatonce！"Herparentswouldn’ttakeherback。Shemightfindaplaceasahouse-maidifshehadeverlearnedtowork，whichshehasn’t。Heworriesandworrieshernow，buttheCountinterferes。IfithadnotbeenfortheCount，hewouldhaveworriedhertodeathlongago。
　　AVDOTIA。Theysayheshutsherupinacellarandstuffsherwithgarlic，andsheeatsandeatsuntilherverysoulreeksofit。
　　[Laughter。]
　　SASHA。But，father，youknowthatisn’ttrue！
　　LEBEDIEFF。Whatifitisn’t，Sasha？Letthemspinyarnsifitamusesthem。[Hecalls]Gabriel！
　　GABRIELbringshimanotherglassofvodkaandaglassofwater。