CHAPTERI——HISLEAVINGITTILLCALLEDFOR
ThewriterofthesehumblelinesbeingaWaiter，andhavingcomeofafamilyofWaiters，andowningatthepresenttimefivebrotherswhoareallWaiters，andlikewiseanonlysisterwhoisaWaitress，wouldwishtoofferafewwordsrespectinghiscalling；firsthavingthepleasureofherebyinafriendlymannerofferingtheDedicationofthesameuntoJOSEPH，muchrespectedHeadWaiterattheSlamjamCoffee-house，London，E。C。，thanwhichaindividualmoreeminentlydeservingofthenameofman，oramoreamenablehonourtohisownheadandheart，whetherconsideredinthelightofaWaiterorregardedasahumanbeing，donotexist。
Incaseconfusionshouldariseinthepublicmind（whichitisopentoconfusiononmanysubjects）respectingwhatismeantorimpliedbythetermWaiter，thepresenthumblelineswouldwishtoofferanexplanation。ItmaynotbegenerallyknownthatthepersonasgoesouttowaitisNOTaWaiter。Itmaynotbegenerallyknownthatthehandasiscalledinextra，attheFreemasons’Tavern，ortheLondon，ortheAlbion，orotherwise，isNOTaWaiter。SuchhandsmaybetookonforPublicDinnersbythebushel（andyoumayknowthembytheirbreathingwithdifficultywheninattendance，andtakingawaythebottleereyetitishalfout）；butsuchareNOT
Waiters。Foryoucannotlaydownthetailoring，ortheshoemaking，orthebrokering，orthegreen-grocering，orthepictorial-
periodicalling，orthesecond-handwardrobe，orthesmallfancybusinesses，——youcannotlaydownthoselinesoflifeatyourwillandpleasurebythehalf-dayorevening，andtakeupWaitering。Youmaysupposeyoucan，butyoucannot；oryoumaygosofarastosayyoudo，butyoudonot。Noryetcanyoulaydownthegentleman’s-
servicewhenstimulatedbyprolongedincompatibilityonthepartofCooks（andhereitmayberemarkedthatCookingandIncompatibilitywillbemostlyfoundunited），andtakeupWaitering。Ithasbeenascertainedthatwhatagentlemanwillsitmeekunder，athome，hewillnotbearoutofdoors，attheSlamjamoranysimilarestablishment。Then，whatistheinferencetobedrawnrespectingtrueWaitering？Youmustbebredtoit。Youmustbeborntoit。
Wouldyouknowhowborntoit，FairReader，——ifoftheadorablefemalesex？ThenlearnfromthebiographicalexperienceofonethatisaWaiterinthesixty-firstyearofhisage。
Youwereconveyed，——ereyetyourdawningpowerswereotherwisedevelopedthantoharbourvacancyinyourinside，——youwereconveyed，bysurreptitiousmeans，intoapantryadjoiningtheAdmiralNelson，CivicandGeneralDining-Rooms，theretoreceivebystealththathealthfulsustenancewhichistheprideandboastoftheBritishfemaleconstitution。Yourmotherwasmarriedtoyourfather（himselfadistantWaiter）intheprofoundestsecrecy；foraWaitressknowntobemarriedwouldruinthebestofbusinesses，——itisthesameasonthestage。Henceyourbeingsmuggledintothepantry，andthat——toaddtotheinfliction——byanunwillinggrandmother。Underthecombinedinfluenceofthesmellsofroastandboiled，andsoup，andgas，andmaltliquors，youpartookofyourearliestnourishment；yourunwillinggrandmothersittingpreparedtocatchyouwhenyourmotherwascalledanddroppedyou；yourgrandmother’sshawleverreadytostifleyournaturalcomplainings；
yourinnocentmindsurroundedbyuncongenialcruets，dirtyplates，dish-covers，andcoldgravy；yourmothercallingdownthepipeforvealsandporks，insteadofsoothingyouwithnurseryrhymes。Undertheseuntowardcircumstancesyouwereearlyweaned。Yourunwillinggrandmother，evergrowingmoreunwillingasyourfoodassimilatedless，thencontractedhabitsofshakingyoutillyoursystemcurdled，andyourfoodwouldnotassimilateatall。Atlengthshewasnolongerspared，andcouldhavebeenthankfullysparedmuchsooner。Whenyourbrothersbegantoappearinsuccession，yourmotherretired，leftoffhersmartdressing（shehadpreviouslybeenasmartdresser），andherdarkringlets（whichhadpreviouslybeenflowing），andhauntedyourfatherlateofnights，lyinginwaitforhim，throughallweathers，uptheshabbycourtwhichledtothebackdooroftheRoyalOldDust-Bin（saidtohavebeensonamedbyGeorgetheFourth），whereyourfatherwasHead。ButtheDust-Binwasgoingdownthen，andyourfathertookbutlittle，——exceptingfromaliquidpointofview。Yourmother’sobjectinthosevisitswasofahouse-
keepingcharacter，andyouwassetontowhistleyourfatherout。
Sometimeshecameout，butgenerallynot。Comeornotcome，however，allthatpartofhisexistencewhichwasunconnectedwithopenWaiteringwaskeptaclosesecret，andwasacknowledgedbyyourmothertobeaclosesecret，andyouandyourmotherflittedaboutthecourt，closesecretsbothofyou，andwouldscarcelyhaveconfessedundertorturethatyouknowyourfather，orthatyourfatherhadanynamethanDick（whichwasn’thisname，thoughhewasneverknownbyanyother），orthathehadkithorkinorchickorchild。Perhapstheattractionofthismystery，combinedwithyourfather’shavingadampcompartment，tohimself，behindaleakycistern，attheDust-Bin，——asortofacellarcompartment，withasinkinit，andasmell，andaplate-rack，andabottle-rack，andthreewindowsthatdidn’tmatcheachotheroranythingelse，andnodaylight，——causedyouryoungmindtofeelconvincedthatyoumustgrowuptobeaWaitertoo；butyoudidfeelconvincedofit，andsodidallyourbrothers，downtoyoursister。EveryoneofyoufeltconvincedthatyouwasborntotheWaitering。Atthisstageofyourcareer，whatwasyourfeelingsonedaywhenyourfathercamehometoyourmotherinopenbroaddaylight，——ofitselfanactofMadnessonthepartofaWaiter，——andtooktohisbed（leastwise，yourmotherandfamily’sbed），withthestatementthathiseyesweredevilledkidneys。Physiciansbeinginvain，yourfatherexpired，afterrepeatingatintervalsforadayandanight，whengleamsofreasonandoldbusinessfitfullyilluminatedhisbeing，"Twoandtwoisfive。Andthreeissixpence。"Interredintheparochialdepartmentoftheneighbouringchurchyard，andaccompaniedtothegravebyasmanyWaitersoflongstandingascouldsparethemorningtimefromtheirsoiledglasses（namely，one），yourbereavedformwasattiredinawhiteneckankecher，andyouwastookonfrommotivesofbenevolenceatTheGeorgeandGridiron，theatricalandsupper。
Here，supportingnatureonwhatyoufoundintheplates（whichwasasithappened，andbuttoooftenthoughtlessly，immersedinmustard），andonwhatyoufoundintheglasses（whichrarelywentbeyonddribletsandlemon），bynightyoudroppedasleepstanding，tillyouwascuffedawake，andbydaywassettopolishingeveryindividualarticleinthecoffee-room。Yourcouchbeingsawdust；
yourcounterpanebeingashesofcigars。Here，frequentlyhidingaheavyheartunderthesmarttieofyourwhiteneckankecher（orcorrectlyspeakinglowerdownandmoretotheleft），youpickeduptherudimentsofknowledgefromanextra，bythenameofBishops，andbycallingplate-washer，andgraduallyelevatingyourmindwithchalkonthebackofthecorner-boxpartition，untilsuchtimeasyouusedtheinkstandwhenitwasoutofhand，attainedtomanhood，andtobetheWaiterthatyoufindyourself。
Icouldwishheretoofferafewrespectfulwordsonbehalfofthecallingsolongthecallingofmyselfandfamily，andthepublicinterestinwhichisbuttoooftenverylimited。Wearenotgenerallyunderstood。No，wearenot。Allowanceenoughisnotmadeforus。For，saythatweevershowalittledroopinglistlessnessofspirits，orwhatmightbetermedindifferenceorapathy。Putittoyourselfwhatwouldyourownstateofmindbe，ifyouwasoneofanenormousfamilyeverymemberofwhichexceptyouwasalwaysgreedy，andinahurry。Putittoyourselfthatyouwasregularlyrepletewithanimalfoodattheslackhoursofoneinthedayandagainatninep。m。，andthattherepleteryouwas，themorevoraciousallyourfellow-creaturescamein。Putittoyourselfthatitwasyourbusiness，whenyourdigestionwaswellon，totakeapersonalinterestandsympathyinahundredgentlemenfreshandfresh（say，forthesakeofargument，onlyahundred），whoseimaginationswasgivenuptogreaseandfatandgravyandmeltedbutter，andabandonedtoquestioningyouaboutcutsofthis，anddishesofthat，——eachof’emgoingonasifhimandyouandthebilloffarewasaloneintheworld。Thenlookwhatyouareexpectedtoknow。Youareneverout，buttheyseemtothinkyouregularlyattendeverywhere。"What’sthis，Christopher，thatIhearaboutthesmashedExcursionTrain？HowaretheydoingattheItalianOpera，Christopher？""Christopher，whataretherealparticularsofthisbusinessattheYorkshireBank？"SimilarlyaministrygivesmemoretroublethanitgivestheQueen。AstoLordPalmerston，theconstantandwearingconnectionintowhichIhavebeenbroughtwithhislordshipduringthelastfewyearsisdeservingofapension。
ThenlookattheHypocriteswearemade，andthelies（white，I
hope）thatareforceduponus！Whymustasedentary-pursuitedWaiterbeconsideredtobeajudgeofhorseflesh，andtohaveamosttremendousinterestinhorse-trainingandracing？Yetitwouldbehalfourlittleincomesoutofourpocketsifwedidn’ttakeontohavethosesportingtastes。Itisthesame（inconceivablewhy！）
withFarming。Shooting，equallyso。IamsurethatsoregularasthemonthsofAugust，September，andOctobercomeround，IamashamedofmyselfinmyownprivatebosomforthewayinwhichI
makebelievetocarewhetherornotthegrouseisstrongonthewing（muchtheirwings，ordrumstickseither，signifiestome，uncooked！），andwhetherthepartridgesisplentifulamongtheturnips，andwhetherthepheasantsisshyorbold，oranythingelseyoupleasetomention。Yetyoumayseeme，oranyotherWaiterofmystanding，holdingonbythebackofthebox，andleaningoveragentlemanwithhispurseoutandhisbillbeforehim，discussingthesepointsinaconfidentialtoneofvoice，asifmyhappinessinlifeentirelydependedon’em。
Ihavementionedourlittleincomes。Lookatthemostunreasonablepointofall，andthepointonwhichthegreatestinjusticeisdoneus！Whetheritisowingtoouralwayscarryingsomuchchangeinourright-handtrousers-pocket，andsomanyhalfpenceinourcoat-
tails，orwhetheritishumannature（whichIwerelothtobelieve），whatismeantbytheeverlastingfablethatHeadWaitersisrich？
Howdidthatfablegetintocirculation？Whofirstputitabout，andwhatarethefactstoestablishtheunblushingstatement？Comeforth，thouslanderer，andreferthepublictotheWaiter’swillinDoctors’Commonssupportingthymalignanthiss！Yetthisissocommonlydweltupon——especiallybythescrewswhogiveWaiterstheleast——thatdenialisvain；andweareobliged，forourcredit’ssake，tocarryourheadsasifweweregoingintoabusiness，whenofthetwowearemuchmorelikelytogointoaunion。TherewasformerlyascrewasfrequentedtheSlamjamereyetthepresentwriterhadquittedthatestablishmentonaquestionoftea-inghisassistantstaffoutofhisownpocket，whichscrewcarriedthetaunttoitsbitterestheight。Neversoaringabovethreepence，andasoftenasnotgrovellingontheearthapennylower，heyetrepresentedthepresentwriterasalargeholderofConsols，alenderofmoneyonmortgage，aCapitalist。HehasbeenoverheardtodilatetoothercustomersontheallegationthatthepresentwriterputoutthousandsofpoundsatinterestinDistilleriesandBreweries。"Well，Christopher，"hewouldsay（havinggrovelledhislowestontheearth，halfamomentbefore），"lookingoutforaHousetoopen，eh？Can’tfindabusinesstobedisposedofonascaleasisuptoyourresources，humph？"Tosuchadizzyprecipiceoffalsehoodhasthismisrepresentationtakenwing，thatthewell-knownandhighly-respectedOLDCHARLES，longeminentattheWestCountryHotel，andbysomeconsideredtheFatheroftheWaitering，foundhimselfundertheobligationtofallintoitthroughsomanyyearsthathisownwife（forhehadanunbeknownoldladyinthatcapacitytowardshimself）believedit！Andwhatwastheconsequence？WhenhewasbornetohisgraveontheshouldersofsixpickedWaiters，withsixmoreforchange，sixmoreactingaspall-bearers，allkeepingstepinapouringshowerwithoutadryeyevisible，andaconcourseonlyinferiortoRoyalty，hispantryandlodgingswasequallyransackedhighandlowforproperty，andnonewasfound！
Howcoulditbefound，when，beyondhislastmonthlycollectionofwalking-sticks，umbrellas，andpocket-handkerchiefs（whichhappenedtohavebeennotyetdisposedof，thoughhehadeverbeenthroughlifepunctualinclearingoffhiscollectionsbythemonth），therewasnopropertyexisting？Such，however，istheforceofthisuniversallibel，thatthewidowofOldCharles，atthepresenthouraninmateoftheAlmshousesoftheCork-Cutters’Company，inBlueAnchorRoad（identifiedsittingatthedoorofoneof’em，inacleancapandaWindsorarm-chair，onlylastMonday），expectsJohn’shoardedwealthtobefoundhourly！Nay，ereyethehadsuccumbedtothegrislydart，andwhenhisportraitwaspaintedinoilslife-
size，bysubscriptionofthefrequentersoftheWestCountry，tohangoverthecoffee-roomchimney-piece，therewerenotwantingthosewhocontendedthatwhatistermedtheaccessoriesofsuchaportraitoughttobetheBankofEnglandoutofwindow，andastrong-boxonthetable。Andbutforbetter-regulatedmindscontendingforabottleandscrewandtheattitudeofdrawing，——andcarryingtheirpoint，——itwouldhavebeensohandeddowntoposterity。
Iamnowbroughttothetitleofthepresentremarks。Having，I
hopewithoutoffencetoanyquarter，offeredsuchobservationsasI
feltitmydutytooffer，inafreecountrywhichhaseverdominatedtheseas，onthegeneralsubject，Iwillnowproceedtowaitontheparticularquestion。
Atamomentousperiodofmylife，whenIwasoff，sofarasconcernednoticegiven，withaHousethatshallbenameless，——forthequestiononwhichItookmydepartingstandwasafixedchargeforwaiters，andnoHouseascommitsitselftothateminentlyUn-
Englishactofmorethanfoolishnessandbasenessshallbeadvertisedbyme，——Irepeat，atamomentouscrisis，whenIwasoffwithaHousetoomeanformention，andnotyetonwiththattowhichIhaveeversincehadthehonourofbeingattachedinthecapacityofHead，{1}Iwascastingaboutwhattodonext。Thenitwerethatproposalsweremadetomeonbehalfofmypresentestablishment。
Stipulationswerenecessaryonmypart，emendationswerenecessaryonmypart：intheend，ratificationsensuedonbothsides，andI
enteredonanewcareer。
Weareabedbusiness，andacoffee-roombusiness。Wearenotageneraldiningbusiness，nordowewishit。Inconsequence，whendinersdropin，weknowwhattogive’emaswillkeep’emawayanothertime。WeareaPrivateRoomorFamilybusinessalso；butCoffee-roomprincipal。MeandtheDirectoryandtheWritingMaterialsandcetreroccupyaplacetoourselves——aplacefendedofupasteportwoattheendoftheCoffee-room，inwhatIcallthegoodold-fashionedstyle。Thegoodold-fashionedstyleis，thatwhateveryouwant，downtoawafer，youmustbeolelyandsolelydependentontheHeadWaiterfor。Youmustputyourselfanew-bornChildintohishands。ThereisnootherwayinwhichabusinessuntingedwithContinentalVicecanbeconducted。（Itwerebootlesstoadd，thatiflanguagesisrequiredtobejabberedandEnglishisnotgoodenough，bothfamiliesandgentlemenhadbettergosomewhereelse。）
WhenIbegantosettledowninthisright-principledandwell-
conductedHouse，Inoticed，underthebedinNo。24B（whichitisupaangleoffthestaircase，andusuallyputoffuponthelowly-
minded），aheapofthingsinacorner。IaskedourHeadChambermaidinthecourseoftheday，"Whatarethemthingsin24B？"
Towhichsheansweredwithacarelessair，"Somebody’sLuggage。"
Regardingherwithaeyenotfreefromseverity，Isays，"WhoseLuggage？"
Evadingmyeye，shereplied，"Lor！HowshouldIknow！"-
Being，itmayberighttomention，afemaleofsomepertness，thoughacquaintedwithherbusiness。
AHeadWaitermustbeeitherHeadorTail。Hemustbeatoneextremityortheotherofthesocialscale。Hecannotbeatthewaistofit，oranywhereelsebuttheextremities。Itisforhimtodecidewhichoftheextremities。
Ontheeventfuloccasionunderconsideration，IgiveMrs。Pratchettsodistinctlytounderstandmydecision，thatIbrokeherspiritastowardsmyself，thenandthere，andforgood。LetnotinconsistencybesuspectedonaccountofmymentioningMrs。Pratchettas"Mrs。，"
andhavingformerlyremarkedthatawaitressmustnotbemarried。
ReadersarerespectfullyrequestedtonoticethatMrs。Pratchettwasnotawaitress，butachambermaid。NowachambermaidMAYbemarried；ifHead，generallyismarried，——orsaysso。Itcomestothesamethingasexpressingwhatiscustomary。（N。B。Mr。PratchettisinAustralia，andhisaddressthereis"theBush。"）
HavingtookMrs。Pratchettdownasmanypegsaswasessentialtothefuturehappinessofallparties，Irequestedhertoexplainherself。
"Forinstance，"Isays，togiveheralittleencouragement，"whoisSomebody？"
"Igiveyoumysacredhonour，Mr。Christopher，"answersPratchett，"thatIhaven’tthefaintestnotion。"
Butforthemannerinwhichshesettledhercap-strings，Ishouldhavedoubtedthis；butinrespectofpositivenessitwashardlytobediscriminatedfromanaffidavit。
"Thenyouneversawhim？"Ifollowedherupwith。
"Noryet，"saidMrs。Pratchett，shuttinghereyesandmakingasifshehadjusttookapillofunusualcircumference，——whichgavearemarkableforcetoherdenial，——"noryetanyservantinthishouse。
Allhavebeenchanged，Mr。Christopher，withinfiveyear，andSomebodylefthisLuggageherebeforethen。"
InquiryofMissMartinyielded（inthelanguageoftheBardofA。1。）
"confirmationstrong。"Soithadreallyandtrulyhappened。MissMartinistheyoungladyatthebarasmakesoutourbills；andthoughhigherthanIcouldwishconsideringherstation，isperfectlywell-behaved。
FartherinvestigationsledtothedisclosurethattherewasabillagainstthisLuggagetotheamountoftwosixteensix。TheLuggagehadbeenlyingunderthebedsteadof24Boversixyear。Thebedsteadisafour-poster，withadealofoldhangingandvalance，andis，asIoncesaid，probablyconnectedwithmorethan24Bs，——
whichIremembermyhearerswaspleasedtolaughat，atthetime。
Idon’tknowwhy，——whenDOweknowwhy？——butthisLuggagelaidheavyonmymind。IfellawonderingaboutSomebody，andwhathehadgotandbeenupto。Icouldn’tsatisfymythoughtswhyheshouldleavesomuchLuggageagainstsosmallabill。ForIhadtheLuggageoutwithinadayortwoandturneditover，andthefollowingweretheitems：-Ablackportmanteau，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，abrown-paperparcel，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick。Itwasallverydustyandfluey。Ihadourporteruptogetunderthebedandfetchitout；andthoughhehabituallywallowsindust，——swimsinitfrommorningtonight，andwearsaclose-fittingwaistcoatwithblackcalimancosleevesforthepurpose，——itmadehimsneezeagain，andhisthroatwasthathotwithitthatitwasobligedtobecooledwithadrinkofAllsopp’sdraft。
TheLuggagesogotthebetterofme，thatinsteadofhavingitputbackwhenitwaswelldustedandwashedwithawetcloth，——previoustowhichitwassocoveredwithfeathersthatyoumighthavethoughtitwasturningintopoultry，andwouldby-and-bybegintoLay，——I
say，insteadofhavingitputback，Ihaditcarriedintooneofmyplacesdown-stairs。TherefromtimetotimeIstaredatitandstaredatit，tillitseemedtogrowbigandgrowlittle，andcomeforwardatmeandretreatagain，andgothroughallmannerofperformancesresemblingintoxication。Whenthishadlastedweeks，——
Imaysaymonths，andnotbefarout，——IonedaythoughtofaskingMissMartinfortheparticularsoftheTwosixteensixtotal。Shewassoobligingastoextractitfromthebooks，——itdatingbeforehertime，——andherefollowsatruecopy：
Coffee-Room。
1856。No。4。Poundss。d。
Feb。2d，PenandPaper006
PortNegus020
Ditto020
Penandpaper006
Tumblerbroken026
Brandy020
Penandpaper006
Anchovytoast026
Penandpaper006
Bed030
Feb。3d，Penandpaper006
Breakfast026
Broiledham020
Eggs010
Watercresses010
Shrimps010
Penandpaper006
Blotting-paper006
MessengertoPaternosterRowandback016
Again，whenNoAnswer016
Brandy2s。，DevilledPorkchop2s。040
Pensandpaper010
MessengertoAlbemarleStreetandback010
Again（detained），whenNoAnswer016
Salt-cellarbroken036
LargeLiquour-glassOrangeBrandy016
Dinner，Soup，Fish，Joint，andbird076
BottleoldEastIndiaBrown080
Penandpaper006
2166
Mem。：January1st，1857。Hewentoutafterdinner，directingluggagetobereadywhenhecalledforit。Nevercalled。
Sofarfromthrowingalightuponthesubject，thisbillappearedtome，ifImaysoexpressmydoubts，toinvolveitinayetmoreluridhalo。SpeculatingitoverwiththeMistress，sheinformedmethattheluggagehadbeenadvertisedintheMaster’stimeasbeingtobesoldaftersuchandsuchadaytopayexpenses，butnofartherstepshadbeentaken。（Imayhereremark，thattheMistressisawidowinherfourthyear。TheMasterwaspossessedofoneofthoseunfortunateconstitutionsinwhichSpiritsturnstoWater，andrisesintheill-starredVictim。）
Myspeculatingitover，notthenonly，butrepeatedly，sometimeswiththeMistress，sometimeswithone，sometimeswithanother，leduptotheMistress’ssayingtome，——whetheratfirstinjokeorinearnest，orhalfjokeandhalfearnest，itmattersnot：
"Christopher，Iamgoingtomakeyouahandsomeoffer。"
（Ifthisshouldmeethereye，——alovelyblue，——mayshenottakeitillmymentioningthatifIhadbeeneightortenyearyounger，I
wouldhavedoneasmuchbyher！Thatis，Iwouldhavemadeheraoffer。Itisforothersthanmetodenominateitahandsomeone。）
"Christopher，Iamgoingtomakeyouahandsomeoffer。"
"Putanametoit，ma’am。"
"Lookhere，Christopher。RunoverthearticlesofSomebody’sLuggage。You’vegotitallbyheart，Iknow。"
"Ablackportmanteau，ma’am，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，abrown-paperparcel，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick。"
"Alljustastheywereleft。Nothingopened，nothingtamperedwith。"
"Youareright，ma’am。Alllockedbutthebrown-paperparcel，andthatsealed。"
TheMistresswasleaningonMissMartin’sdeskatthebar-window，andshetapstheopenbookthatlaysuponthedesk，——shehasapretty-madehandtobesure，——andbobsherheadoveritandlaughs。
"Come，"saysshe，"Christopher。PaymeSomebody’sbill，andyoushallhaveSomebody’sLuggage。"
Irathertooktotheideafromthefirstmoment；but，"Itmayn’tbeworththemoney，"Iobjected，seemingtoholdback。
"That’saLottery，"saystheMistress，foldingherarmsuponthebook，——itain’therhandsalonethat’sprettymade，theobservationextendsrightupherarms。"Won’tyouventuretwopoundsixteenshillingsandsixpenceintheLottery？Why，there’snoblanks！"
saystheMistress；laughingandbobbingherheadagain，"youMUST
win。Ifyoulose，youmustwin！AllprizesinthisLottery！Drawablank，andremember，Gentlemen-Sportsmen，you’llstillbeentitledtoablackportmanteau，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，asheetofbrownpaper，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick！"
Tomakeshortofit，MissMartincomeroundme，andMrs。Pratchettcomeroundme，andtheMistressshewascompletelyroundmealready，andallthewomeninthehousecomeroundme，andifithadbeenSixteentwoinsteadofTwosixteen，Ishouldhavethoughtmyselfwelloutofit。Forwhatcanyoudowhentheydocomeroundyou？
SoIpaidthemoney——down——andsuchalaughingastherewasamong’em！ButIturnedthetableson’emregularly，whenIsaid：
"Myfamily-nameisBlue-Beard。I’mgoingtoopenSomebody’sLuggageallaloneintheSecretChamber，andnotafemaleeyecatchessightofthecontents！"
WhetherIthoughtpropertohavethefirmnesstokeeptothis，don’tsignify，orwhetheranyfemaleeye，andifany，howmany，wasreallypresentwhentheopeningoftheLuggagecameoff。Somebody’sLuggageisthequestionatpresent：Nobody’seyes，noryetnoses。
WhatIstilllookatmost，inconnectionwiththatLuggage，istheextraordinaryquantityofwriting-paper，andallwrittenon！Andnotourpaperneither，——notthepaperchargedinthebill，forweknowourpaper，——sohemusthavebeenalwaysatit。Andhehadcrumpledupthiswritingofhis，everywhere，ineverypartandparcelofhisluggage。Therewaswritinginhisdressing-case，writinginhisboots，writingamonghisshaving-tackle，writinginhishat-box，writingfoldedawaydownamongtheverywhalebonesofhisumbrella。
Hisclotheswasn’tbad，whattherewasof’em。Hisdressing-casewaspoor，——notaparticleofsilverstopper，——bottleapertureswithnothingin’em，likeemptylittledog-kennels，——andamostsearchingdescriptionoftooth-powderdiffusingitselfaround，asunderadeludedmistakethatallthechinksinthefittingswasdivisionsinteeth。HisclothesIpartedwith，wellenough，toasecond-handdealernotfarfromSt。Clement’sDanes，intheStrand，——himastheofficersintheArmymostlydisposeoftheiruniformsto，whenhardpressedwithdebtsofhonour，ifImayjudgefromtheircoatsandepauletsdiversifyingthewindowwiththeirbackstowardsthepublic。Thesamepartyboughtinonelottheportmanteau，thebag，thedesk，thedressing-case，thehat-box，theumbrella，strap，andwalking-stick。OnmyremarkingthatIshouldhavethoughtthosearticlesnotquiteinhisline，hesaid："Nomoreithaman’thgrandmother，MithterChrithtopher；butifanymanwillbringhithgrandmotherhere，andofferheratafairtriflebelowwhatthe’llfethwithgoodluckwhenthe’ththcouredandturned——I’llbuyher！"
Thesetransactionsbroughtmehome，and，indeed，morethanhome，fortheyleftagoodishprofitontheoriginalinvestment。Andnowthereremainedthewritings；andthewritingsIparticularwishtobringunderthecandidattentionofthereader。
Iwishtodosowithoutpostponement，forthisreason。Thatistosay，namely，viz。i。e。，asfollows，thus：-BeforeIproceedtorecountthementalsufferingsofwhichIbecamethepreyinconsequenceofthewritings，andbeforefollowingupthatharrowingtalewithastatementofthewonderfulandimpressivecatastrophe，asthrillinginitsnatureasunlookedforinanyothercapacity，whichcrownedtheoleandfilledthecupofunexpectednesstooverflowing，thewritingsthemselvesoughttostandforthtoview。
Thereforeitisthattheynowcomenext。Onewordtointroducethem，andIlaydownmypen（Ihope，myunassumingpen）untilItakeituptotracethegloomysequelofamindwithsomethingonit。
Hewasasmearywriter，andwroteadreadfulbadhand。Utterlyregardlessofink，helavisheditoneveryundeservingobject——onhisclothes，hisdesk，hishat，thehandleofhistooth-brush，hisumbrella。Inkwasfoundfreelyonthecoffee-roomcarpetbyNo。4
table，andtwoblotswasonhisrestlesscouch。AreferencetothedocumentIhavegivenentirewillshowthatonthemorningofthethirdofFebruary，eighteenfifty-six，heprocuredhisnolessthanfifthpenandpaper。Towhateverdeplorableactofungovernablecompositionheimmolatedthosematerialsobtainedfromthebar，thereisnodoubtthatthefataldeedwascommittedinbed，andthatitleftitsevidencesbuttooplainly，longafterwards，uponthepillow-case。
HehadputnoHeadingtoanyofhiswritings。Alas！WashelikelytohaveaHeadingwithoutaHead，andwherewasHISHeadwhenhetooksuchthingsintoit？Insomecases，suchashisBoots，hewouldappeartohavehidthewritings；therebyinvolvinghisstyleingreaterobscurity。ButhisBootswasatleastpairs，——andnotwoofhiswritingscanputinanyclaimtobesoregarded。Herefollows（nottogivemorespecimens）whatwasfoundinCHAPTERII——HISBOOTS
"Eh！wellthen，MonsieurMutuel！WhatdoIknow，whatcanIsay？I
assureyouthathecallshimselfMonsieurTheEnglishman。"
"Pardon。ButIthinkitisimpossible，"saidMonsieurMutuel，——aspectacled，snuffy，stoopingoldgentlemanincarpetshoesandaclothcapwithapeakedshade，aloosebluefrock-coatreachingtohisheels，alargelimpwhiteshirt-frill，andcravattocorrespond，——thatistosay，whitewasthenaturalcolourofhislinenonSundays，butittoneddownwiththeweek。
"Itis，"repeatedMonsieurMutuel，hisamiableoldwalnut-shellcountenanceverywalnut-shellyindeedashesmiledandblinkedinthebrightmorningsunlight，——"itis，mycherishedMadameBouclet，I
think，impossible！"
"Hey！"（withalittlevexedcryandagreatmanytossesofherhead。）"ButitisnotimpossiblethatyouareaPig！"retortedMadameBouclet，acompactlittlewomanofthirty-fiveorso。"Seethen，——lookthere，——read！’OnthesecondfloorMonsieurL’Anglais。’
Isitnotso？"
"Itisso，"saidMonsieurMutuel。
"Good。Continueyourmorningwalk。Getout！"MadameBoucletdismissedhimwithalivelysnapofherfingers。
ThemorningwalkofMonsieurMutuelwasinthebrightestpatchthatthesunmadeintheGrandePlaceofadulloldfortifiedFrenchtown。Themannerofhismorningwalkwaswithhishandscrossedbehindhim；anumbrella，infiguretheexpressimageofhimself，alwaysinonehand；asnuffboxintheother。Thus，withtheshufflinggaitoftheElephant（whoreallydoesdealwiththeveryworsttrousers-makeremployedbytheZoologicalworld，andwhoappearedtohaverecommendedhimtoMonsieurMutuel），theoldgentlemansunnedhimselfdailywhensunwastobehad——ofcourse，atthesametimesunningaredribbonathisbutton-hole；forwashenotanancientFrenchman？
Beingtoldbyoneoftheangelicsextocontinuehismorningwalkandgetout，MonsieurMutuellaughedawalnut-shelllaugh，pulledoffhiscapatarm’slengthwiththehandthatcontainedhissnuffbox，keptitoffforaconsiderableperiodafterhehadpartedfromMadameBouclet，andcontinuedhismorningwalkandgotout，likeamanofgallantryashewas。
ThedocumentaryevidencetowhichMadameBouclethadreferredMonsieurMutuelwasthelistofherlodgers，sweetlywrittenforthbyherownNephewandBookkeeper，whoheldthepenofanAngel，andpostedupatthesideofhergateway，fortheinformationofthePolice："Ausecond，M。L’Anglais，Proprietaire。"Onthesecondfloor，Mr。TheEnglishman，manofproperty。Soitstood；nothingcouldbeplainer。
MadameBoucletnowtracedthelinewithherforefinger，asitweretoconfirmandsettleherselfinherpartingsnapatMonsieurMutuel，andsoplacingherrighthandonherhipwithadefiantair，asifnothingshouldevertempthertounsnapthatsnap，strolledoutintothePlacetoglanceupatthewindowsofMr。TheEnglishman。Thatworthyhappeningtobelookingoutofwindowatthemoment，MadameBoucletgavehimagracefulsalutationwithherhead，lookedtotherightandlookedtothelefttoaccounttohimforherbeingthere，consideredforamoment，likeonewhoaccountedtoherselfforsomebodyshehadexpectednotbeingthere，andreenteredherowngateway。MadameBoucletletallherhousegivingonthePlaceinfurnishedflatsorfloors，andliveduptheyardbehindincompanywithMonsieurBoucletherhusband（greatatbilliards），aninheritedbrewingbusiness，severalfowls，twocarts，anephew，alittledoginabigkennel，agrape-vine，acounting-
house，fourhorses，amarriedsister（withashareinthebrewingbusiness），thehusbandandtwochildrenofthemarriedsister，aparrot，adrum（performedonbythelittleboyofthemarriedsister），twobilletedsoldiers，aquantityofpigeons，afife（playedbythenephewinaravishingmanner），severaldomesticsandsupernumeraries，aperpetualflavourofcoffeeandsoup，aterrificrangeofartificialrocksandwoodenprecipicesatleastfourfeethigh，asmallfountain，andhalf-a-dozenlargesunflowers。
NowtheEnglishman，intakinghisAppartement，——or，asonemightsayonoursideoftheChannel，hissetofchambers，——hadgivenhisname，correcttotheletter，LANGLEY。ButashehadaBritishwayofnotopeninghismouthverywideonforeignsoil，exceptatmeals，theBreweryhadbeenabletomakenothingofitbutL’Anglais。SoMr。TheEnglishmanhehadbecomeandheremained。
"Neversawsuchapeople！"mutteredMr。TheEnglishman，ashenowlookedoutofwindow。"Neverdid，inmylife！"
Thiswastrueenough，forhehadneverbeforebeenoutofhisowncountry，——arightlittleisland，atightlittleisland，abrightlittleisland，ashow-fightlittleisland，andfullofmeritofallsorts；butnotthewholeroundworld。
"Thesechaps，"saidMr。TheEnglishmantohimself，ashiseyerolledoverthePlace，sprinkledwithmilitaryhereandthere，"arenomorelikesoldiers——"Nothingbeingsufficientlystrongfortheendofhissentence，heleftitunended。
Thisagain（fromthepointofviewofhisexperience）wasstrictlycorrect；forthoughtherewasagreatagglomerationofsoldiersinthetownandneighbouringcountry，youmighthaveheldagrandReviewandField-dayofthemeveryone，andlookedinvainamongthemallforasoldierchokingbehindhisfoolishstock，orasoldierlamedbyhisill-fittingshoes，orasoldierdeprivedoftheuseofhislimbsbystrapsandbuttons，orasoldierelaboratelyforcedtobeself-helplessinallthesmallaffairsoflife。A
swarmofbrisk，bright，active，bustling，handy，odd，skirmishingfellows，abletoturncleverlyatanything，fromasiegetosoup，fromgreatgunstoneedlesandthread，fromthebroadswordexercisetoslicinganonion，frommakingwartomakingomelets，wasallyouwouldhavefound。
Whataswarm！FromtheGreatPlaceundertheeyeofMr。TheEnglishman，whereafewawkwardsquadsfromthelastconscriptionweredoingthegoose-step——somemembersofthosesquadsstillastotheirbodies，inthechrysalispeasant-stateofBlouse，andonlymilitarybutterfliesastotheirregimentally-clothedlegs——fromtheGreatPlace，awayoutsidethefortifications，andawayformilesalongthedustyroads，soldiersswarmed。Alldaylong，uponthegrass-grownrampartsofthetown，practisingsoldierstrumpetedandbugled；alldaylong，downinanglesofdrytrenches，practisingsoldiersdrummedanddrummed。Everyforenoon，soldiersburstoutofthegreatbarracksintothesandygymnasium-groundhardby，andflewoverthewoodenhorse，andhungontoflyingropes，anddangledupside-downbetweenparallelbars，andshotthemselvesoffwoodenplatforms，——splashes，sparks，coruscations，showersofsoldiers。Ateverycornerofthetown-wall，everyguard-house，everygateway，everysentry-box，everydrawbridge，everyreedyditch，andrushydike，soldiers，soldiers，soldiers。Andthetownbeingprettywellallwall，guard-house，gateway，sentry-box，drawbridge，reedyditch，andrushydike，thetownwasprettywellallsoldiers。
Whatwouldthesleepyoldtownhavebeenwithoutthesoldiers，seeingthatevenwiththemithadsooversleptitselfastohavesleptitsechoeshoarse，itsdefensivebarsandlocksandboltsandchainsallrusty，anditsditchesstagnant！FromthedayswhenVAUBANengineeredittothatperplexingextentthattolookatitwaslikebeingknockedontheheadwithit，thestrangerbecomingstunnedandstertorousundertheshockofitsincomprehensibility，——
fromthedayswhenVAUBANmadeittheexpressincorporationofeverysubstantiveandadjectiveintheartofmilitaryengineering，andnotonlytwistedyouintoitandtwistedyououtofit，totheright，totheleft，opposite，underhere，overthere，inthedark，inthedirt，bythegateway，archway，coveredway，dryway，wetway，fosse，portcullis，drawbridge，sluice，squattower，piercedwall，andheavybattery，butlikewisetookafortifyingdiveundertheneighbouringcountry，andcametothesurfacethreeorfourmilesoff，blowingoutincomprehensiblemoundsandbatteriesamongthequietcropsofchicoryandbeet-root，——fromthosedaystothesethetownhadbeenasleep，anddustandrustandmusthadsettledonitsdrowsyArsenalsandMagazines，andgrasshadgrownupinitssilentstreets。
Onmarket-daysalone，itsGreatPlacesuddenlyleapedoutofbed。
Onmarket-days，somefriendlyenchanterstruckhisstaffuponthestonesoftheGreatPlace，andinstantlyarosetheliveliestboothsandstalls，andsittingsandstandings，andapleasanthumofchafferingandhucksteringfrommanyhundredsoftongues，andapleasant，thoughpeculiar，blendingofcolours，——whitecaps，blueblouses，andgreenvegetables，——andatlasttheKnightdestinedfortheadventureseemedtohavecomeinearnest，andalltheVaubanoissprangupawake。Andnow，bylong，low-lyingavenuesoftrees，joltinginwhite-hoodeddonkey-cart，andondonkey-back，andintumbrilandwagon，andcartandcabriolet，andafootwithbarrowandburden，——andalongthedikesandditchesandcanals，inlittlepeak-
prowedcountryboats，——camepeasant-menandwomeninflocksandcrowds，bringingarticlesforsale。Andhereyouhadbootsandshoes，andsweetmeatsandstuffstowear，andhere（inthecoolshadeoftheTown-hall）youhadmilkandcreamandbutterandcheese，andhereyouhadfruitsandonionsandcarrots，andallthingsneedfulforyoursoup，andhereyouhadpoultryandflowersandprotestingpigs，andherenewshovels，axes，spades，andbill-
hooksforyourfarmingwork，andherehugemoundsofbread，andhereyourungroundgraininsacks，andhereyourchildren’sdolls，andherethecake-seller，announcinghiswaresbybeatandrollofdrum。
Andhark！fanfaronadeoftrumpets，andhereintotheGreatPlace，resplendentinanopencarriage，withfourgorgeously-attiredservitorsupbehind，playinghorns，drums，andcymbals，rolled"theDaughterofaPhysician"inmassivegoldenchainsandear-rings，andblue-featheredhat，shadedfromtheadmiringsunbytwoimmenseumbrellasofartificialroses，todispense（frommotivesofphilanthropy）thatsmallandpleasantdosewhichhadcuredsomanythousands！Toothache，earache，headache，heartache，stomach-ache，debility，nervousness，fits，fainting，fever，ague，allequallycuredbythesmallandpleasantdoseofthegreatPhysician’sgreatdaughter！Theprocesswasthis，——she，theDaughterofaPhysician，proprietressofthesuperbequipageyounowadmiredwithitsconfirmatoryblastsoftrumpet，drum，andcymbal，toldyouso：Onthefirstdayaftertakingthesmallandpleasantdose，youwouldfeelnoparticularinfluencebeyondamostharmonioussensationofindescribableandirresistiblejoy；ontheseconddayyouwouldbesoastonishinglybetterthatyouwouldthinkyourselfchangedintosomebodyelse；onthethirddayyouwouldbeentirelyfreefromdisorder，whateveritsnatureandhoweverlongyouhadhadit，andwouldseekoutthePhysician’sDaughtertothrowyourselfatherfeet，kissthehemofhergarment，andbuyasmanymoreofthesmallandpleasantdosesasbythesaleofallyourfeweffectsyoucouldobtain；butshewouldbeinaccessible，——goneforherbstothePyramidsofEgypt，——andyouwouldbe（thoughcured）reducedtodespair！ThuswouldthePhysician’sDaughterdrivehertrade（andbrisklytoo），andthuswouldthebuyingandsellingandminglingoftonguesandcolourscontinue，untilthechangingsunlight，leavingthePhysician’sDaughterintheshadowofhighroofs，admonishedhertojoltoutwestward，withadepartingeffectofgleamandglitteronthesplendidequipageandbrazenblast。AndnowtheenchanterstruckhisstaffuponthestonesoftheGreatPlaceoncemore，anddownwentthebooths，thesittingsandstandings，andvanishedthemerchandise，andwithitthebarrows，donkeys，donkey-carts，andtumbrils，andallotherthingsonwheelsandfeet，excepttheslowscavengerswithunwieldycartsandmeagrehorsesclearinguptherubbish，assistedbythesleektownpigeons，betterplumpedoutthanonnon-marketdays。Whiletherewasyetanhourortwotowanebeforetheautumnsunset，theloitereroutsidetown-gateanddrawbridge，andposternanddouble-ditch，wouldseethelastwhite-
hoodedcartlesseningintheavenueoflengtheningshadowsoftrees，orthelastcountryboat，paddledbythelastmarket-womanonherwayhome，showingblackuponthereddening，long，low，narrowdikebetweenhimandthemill；andasthepaddle-partedscumandweedclosedovertheboat’strack，hemightbecomfortablysurethatitssluggishrestwouldbetroublednomoreuntilnextmarket-day。
AsitwasnotoneoftheGreatPlace’sdaysforgettingoutofbed，whenMr。TheEnglishmanlookeddownattheyoungsoldierspractisingthegoose-stepthere，hismindwasleftatlibertytotakeamilitaryturn。
"Thesefellowsarebilletedeverywhereabout，"saidhe；"andtoseethemlightingthepeople’sfires，boilingthepeople’spots，mindingthepeople’sbabies，rockingthepeople’scradles，washingthepeople’sgreens，andmakingthemselvesgenerallyuseful，ineverysortofunmilitaryway，ismostridiculous！Neversawsuchasetoffellows，——neverdidinmylife！"
Allperfectlytrueagain。WastherenotPrivateValentineinthatveryhouse，actingassolehousemaid，valet，cook，steward，andnurse，inthefamilyofhiscaptain，MonsieurleCapitainedelaCour，——cleaningthefloors，makingthebeds，doingthemarketing，dressingthecaptain，dressingthedinners，dressingthesalads，anddressingthebaby，allwithequalreadiness？Or，toputhimaside，hebeinginloyalattendanceonhisChief，wastherenotPrivateHyppolite，billetedatthePerfumer’stwohundredyardsoff，who，whennotonduty，volunteeredtokeepshopwhilethefairPerfumeresssteppedouttospeaktoaneighbourorso，andlaughinglysoldsoapwithhiswar-swordgirdedonhim？WastherenotEmile，billetedattheClock-maker’s，perpetuallyturningtoofanevening，withhiscoatoff，windingupthestock？WastherenotEugene，billetedattheTinman’s，cultivating，pipeinmouth，agardenfourfeetsquare，fortheTinman，inthelittlecourt，behindtheshop，andextortingthefruitsoftheearthfromthesame，onhisknees，withthesweatofhisbrow？Nottomultiplyexamples，wastherenotBaptiste，billetedonthepoorWater-carrier，atthatveryinstantsittingonthepavementinthesunlight，withhismartiallegsasunder，andoneoftheWater-carrier’ssparepailsbetweenthem，which（tothedelightandgloryoftheheartoftheWater-carriercomingacrossthePlacefromthefountain，yokedandburdened）hewaspaintingbright-greenoutsideandbright-redwithin？Or，togonofartherthantheBarber’sattheverynextdoor，wastherenotCorporalTheophile-
"No，"saidMr。TheEnglishman，glancingdownattheBarber’s，"heisnotthereatpresent。There’sthechild，though。"
AmeremiteofagirlstoodonthestepsoftheBarber’sshop，lookingacrossthePlace。Amerebaby，onemightcallher，dressedintheclosewhitelinencapwhichsmallFrenchcountrychildrenwear（likethechildreninDutchpictures），andinafrockofhomespunblue，thathadnoshapeexceptwhereitwastiedroundherlittlefatthroat。Sothat，beingnaturallyshortandroundallover，shelooked，behind，asifshehadbeencutoffathernaturalwaist，andhadhadherheadneatlyfittedonit。
"There’sthechild，though。"
Tojudgefromthewayinwhichthedimpledhandwasrubbingtheeyes，theeyeshadbeenclosedinanap，andwerenewlyopened。ButtheyseemedtobelookingsointentlyacrossthePlace，thattheEnglishmanlookedinthesamedirection。
"O！"saidhepresently。"Ithoughtasmuch。TheCorporal’sthere。"
TheCorporal，asmartfigureofamanofthirty，perhapsathoughtunderthemiddlesize，butveryneatlymade，——asunburntCorporalwithabrownpeakedbeard，——facedaboutatthemoment，addressingvolublewordsofinstructiontothesquadinhand。NothingwasamissorawryabouttheCorporal。AlitheandnimbleCorporal，quitecomplete，fromthesparklingdarkeyesunderhisknowinguniformcaptohissparklingwhitegaiters。TheveryimageandpresentmentofaCorporalofhiscountry’sarmy，inthelineofhisshoulders，thelineofhiswaist，thebroadestlineofhisBloomertrousers，andtheirnarrowestlineatthecalfofhisleg。
Mr。TheEnglishmanlookedon，andthechildlookedon，andtheCorporallookedon（butthelast-namedathismen），untilthedrillendedafewminutesafterwards，andthemilitarysprinklingdriedupdirectly，andwasgone。ThensaidMr。TheEnglishmantohimself，"Lookhere！ByGeorge！"AndtheCorporal，dancingtowardstheBarber’swithhisarmswideopen，caughtupthechild，heldheroverhisheadinaflyingattitude，caughtherdownagain，kissedher，andmadeoffwithherintotheBarber’shouse。
NowMr。TheEnglishmanhadhadaquarrelwithhiserringanddisobedientanddisowneddaughter，andtherewasachildinthatcasetoo。Hadnothisdaughterbeenachild，andhadshenottakenangel-flightsabovehisheadasthischildhadflownabovetheCorporal’s？
"He’sa"——NationalParticipled——"fool！"saidtheEnglishman，andshuthiswindow。
ButthewindowsofthehouseofMemory，andthewindowsofthehouseofMercy，arenotsoeasilyclosedaswindowsofglassandwood。
Theyflyopenunexpectedly；theyrattleinthenight；theymustbenailedup。Mr。TheEnglishmanhadtriednailingthem，buthadnotdriventhenailsquitehome。Sohepassedbutadisturbedeveningandaworsenight。
Bynatureagood-temperedman？No；verylittlegentleness，confoundingthequalitywithweakness。Fierceandwrathfulwhencrossed？Very，andstupendouslyunreasonable。Moody？Exceedinglyso。Vindictive？Well；hehadhadscowlingthoughtsthathewouldformallycursehisdaughter，ashehadseenitdoneonthestage。
ButrememberingthattherealHeavenissomepacesremovedfromthemockoneinthegreatchandelieroftheTheatre，hehadgiventhatup。
Andhehadcomeabroadtoberidofhisrepudiateddaughterfortherestofhislife。Andherehewas。
Atbottom，itwasforthisreason，morethanforanyother，thatMr。
TheEnglishmantookitextremelyillthatCorporalTheophileshouldbesodevotedtolittleBebelle，thechildattheBarber’sshop。Inanunluckymomenthehadchancedtosaytohimself，"Why，confoundthefellow，heisnotherfather！"Therewasasharpstinginthespeechwhichranintohimsuddenly，andputhiminaworsemood。SohehadNationalParticipledtheunconsciousCorporalwithmostheartyemphasis，andhadmadeuphismindtothinknomoreaboutsuchamountebank。
ButitcametopassthattheCorporalwasnottobedismissed。IfhehadknownthemostdelicatefibresoftheEnglishman’smind，insteadofknowingnothingonearthabouthim，andifhehadbeenthemostobstinateCorporalintheGrandArmyofFrance，insteadofbeingthemostobliging，hecouldnothaveplantedhimselfwithmoredeterminedimmovabilityplumpinthemidstofalltheEnglishman’sthoughts。Notonlyso，butheseemedtobealwaysinhisview。Mr。
TheEnglishmanhadbuttolookoutofwindow，tolookupontheCorporalwithlittleBebelle。Hehadbuttogoforawalk，andtherewastheCorporalwalkingwithBebelle。Hehadbuttocomehomeagain，disgusted，andtheCorporalandBebellewereathomebeforehim。Ifhelookedoutathisbackwindowsearlyinthemorning，theCorporalwasintheBarber’sbackyard，washinganddressingandbrushingBebelle。Ifhetookrefugeathisfrontwindows，theCorporalbroughthisbreakfastoutintothePlace，andsharedittherewithBebelle。AlwaysCorporalandalwaysBebelle。
NeverCorporalwithoutBebelle。NeverBebellewithoutCorporal。
Mr。TheEnglishmanwasnotparticularlystrongintheFrenchlanguageasameansoforalcommunication，thoughhereaditverywell。Itiswithlanguagesaswithpeople，——whenyouonlyknowthembysight，youareapttomistakethem；youmustbeonspeakingtermsbeforeyoucanbesaidtohaveestablishedanacquaintance。
Forthisreason，Mr。TheEnglishmanhadtogirduphisloinsconsiderablybeforehecouldbringhimselftothepointofexchangingideaswithMadameBoucletonthesubjectofthisCorporalandthisBebelle。ButMadameBoucletlookinginapologeticallyonemorningtoremark，that，OHeaven！shewasinastateofdesolationbecausethelamp-makerhadnotsenthomethatlampconfidedtohimtorepair，butthattrulyhewasalamp-makeragainstwhomthewholeworldshriekedout，Mr。TheEnglishmanseizedtheoccasion。
"Madame，thatbaby——"
"Pardon，monsieur。Thatlamp。"
"No，no，thatlittlegirl。"
"But，pardon！"saidMadameBonclet，anglingforaclew，"onecannotlightalittlegirl，orsendhertoberepaired？"
"Thelittlegirl——atthehouseofthebarber。"
"Ah-h-h！"criedMadameBouclet，suddenlycatchingtheideawithherdelicatelittlelineandrod。"LittleBebelle？Yes，yes，yes！AndherfriendtheCorporal？Yes，yes，yes，yes！Sogenteelofhim，——
isitnot？"
"Heisnot-？"
"Notatall；notatall！Heisnotoneofherrelations。Notatall！"
"Why，then，he——"
"Perfectly！"criedMadameBouclet，"youareright，monsieur。Itissogenteelofhim。Thelessrelation，themoregenteel。Asyousay。"
"Isshe-？"
"Thechildofthebarber？"MadameBoucletwhiskedupherskilfullittlelineandrodagain。"Notatall，notatall！Sheisthechildof——inaword，ofnoone。"
"Thewifeofthebarber，then-？"
"Indubitably。Asyousay。Thewifeofthebarberreceivesasmallstipendtotakecareofher。Somuchbythemonth。Eh，then！Itiswithoutdoubtverylittle，forweareallpoorhere。"
"Youarenotpoor，madame。"
"Astomylodgers，"repliedMadameBouclet，withasmilingandagraciousbendofherhead，"no。Astoallthingselse，so-so。"
"Youflatterme，madame。"
"Monsieur，itisyouwhoflattermeinlivinghere。"
CertainfishygaspsonMr。TheEnglishman’spart，denotingthathewasabouttoresumehissubjectunderdifficulties，MadameBoucletobservedhimclosely，andwhiskedupherdelicatelineandrodagainwithtriumphantsuccess。
"Ono，monsieur，certainlynot。Thewifeofthebarberisnotcrueltothepoorchild，butsheiscareless。Herhealthisdelicate，andshesitsallday，lookingoutatwindow。Consequently，whentheCorporalfirstcame，thepoorlittleBebellewasmuchneglected。"
"Itisacurious——"beganMr。TheEnglishman。
"Name？ThatBebelle？Againyouareright，monsieur。ButitisaplayfulnameforGabrielle。"
"AndsothechildisamerefancyoftheCorporal’s？"saidMr。TheEnglishman，inagrufflydisparagingtoneofvoice。
"Eh，well！"returnedMadameBouclet，withapleadingshrug："onemustlovesomething。Humannatureisweak。"
（"Devilishweak，"mutteredtheEnglishman，inhisownlanguage。）
"AndtheCorporal，"pursuedMadameBouclet，"beingbilletedatthebarber’s，——wherehewillprobablyremainalongtime，forheisattachedtotheGeneral，——andfindingthepoorunownedchildinneedofbeingloved，andfindinghimselfinneedofloving，——why，thereyouhaveitall，yousee！"
Mr。TheEnglishmanacceptedthisinterpretationofthematterwithanindifferentgrace，andobservedtohimself，inaninjuredmanner，whenhewasagainalone："Ishouldn’tminditsomuch，ifthesepeoplewerenotsucha"——NationalParticipled——"sentimentalpeople！"
TherewasaCemeteryoutsidethetown，andithappenedillforthereputationoftheVaubanois，inthissentimentalconnection，thathetookawalktherethatsameafternoon。Tobesurethereweresomewonderfulthingsinit（fromtheEnglishman’spointofview），andofacertaintyinallBritainyouwouldhavefoundnothinglikeit。
Nottomentionthefancifulflourishesofheartsandcrossesinwoodandiron，thatwereplantedallovertheplace，makingitlookverylikeaFirework-ground，whereamostsplendidpyrotechnicdisplaymightbeexpectedafterdark，thereweresomanywreathsuponthegraves，embroidered，asitmightbe，"Tomymother，""Tomydaughter，""Tomyfather，""Tomybrother，""Tomysister，""Tomyfriend，"andthosemanywreathswereinsomanystagesofelaborationanddecay，fromthewreathofyesterday，allfreshcolourandbrightbeads，tothewreathoflastyear，apoormoulderingwispofstraw！Thereweresomanylittlegardensandgrottosmadeupongraves，insomanytastes，withplantsandshellsandplasterfiguresandporcelainpitchers，andsomanyoddsandends！Thereweresomanytributesofremembrancehangingup，nottobediscriminatedbytheclosestinspectionfromlittleroundwaiters，whereonweredepictedinglowinglineseitheraladyoragentlemanwithawhitepocket-handkerchiefoutofallproportion，leaning，inastateofthemostfaultlessmourningandmostprofoundaffliction，onthemostarchitecturalandgorgeousurn！Thereweresomanysurvivingwiveswhohadputtheirnamesonthetombsoftheirdeceasedhusbands，withablankforthedateoftheirowndeparturefromthiswearyworld；andthereweresomanysurvivinghusbandswhohadrenderedthesamehomagetotheirdeceasedwives；
andoutofthenumbertheremusthavebeensomanywhohadlongagomarriedagain！Infine，therewassomuchintheplacethatwouldhaveseemedmorefripperytoastranger，savefortheconsiderationthatthelightestpaperflowerthatlayuponthepoorestheapofearthwasnevertouchedbyarudehand，butperishedthere，asacredthing！
"NothingofthesolemnityofDeathhere，"Mr。TheEnglishmanhadbeengoingtosay，whenthislastconsiderationtouchedhimwithamildappeal，andonthewholehewalkedoutwithoutsayingit。"Butthesepeopleare，"heinsisted，bywayofcompensation，whenhewaswelloutsidethegate，"theyareso"——Participled——"sentimental！"
Hiswaybacklaybythemilitarygymnasium-ground。AndtherehepassedtheCorporalgliblyinstructingyoungsoldiershowtoswingthemselvesoverrapidanddeepwatercoursesontheirwaytoGlory，bymeansofarope，andhimselfdeftlyplungingoffaplatform，andflyingahundredfeetortwo，asanencouragementtothemtobegin。
Andtherehealsopassed，perchedonacrowningeminence（probablytheCorporal’scarefulhands），thesmallBebelle，withherroundeyeswideopen，surveyingtheproceedinglikeawonderingsortofblueandwhitebird。
"Ifthatchildwastodie，"thiswashisreflectionasheturnedhisbackandwenthisway，——"anditwouldalmostservethefellowrightformakingsuchafoolofhimself，——Isupposeweshouldhavehimstickingupawreathandawaiterinthatfantasticburying-ground。"
Nevertheless，afteranotherearlymorningortwooflookingoutofwindow，hestrolleddownintothePlace，whentheCorporalandBebellewerewalkingthere，andtouchinghishattotheCorporal（animmenseachievement），wishedhimGood-day。
"Good-day，monsieur。"
"Thisisaratherprettychildyouhavehere，"saidMr。TheEnglishman，takingherchininhishand，andlookingdownintoherastonishedblueeyes。
"Monsieur，sheisaveryprettychild，"returnedtheCorporal，withastressonhispolitecorrectionofthephrase。
"Andgood？"saidtheEnglishman。
"Andverygood。Poorlittlething！"
"Hah！"TheEnglishmanstoopeddownandpattedhercheek，notwithoutawkwardness，asifheweregoingtoofarinhisconciliation。"Andwhatisthismedalroundyourneck，mylittleone？"
Bebellehavingnootherreplyonherlipsthanherchubbyrightfist，theCorporalofferedhisservicesasinterpreter。
"Monsieurdemands，whatisthis，Bebelle？"
"ItistheHolyVirgin，"saidBebelle。
"Andwhogaveityou？"askedtheEnglishman。
"Theophile。"
"AndwhoisTheophile？"
Bebellebrokeintoalaugh，laughedmerrilyandheartily，clappedherchubbyhands，andbeatherlittlefeetonthestonepavementofthePlace。
"Hedoesn’tknowTheophile！Why，hedoesn’tknowanyone！Hedoesn’tknowanything！"Then，sensibleofasmallsolecisminhermanners，BebelletwistedherrighthandinalegoftheCorporal’sBloomertrousers，and，layinghercheekagainsttheplace，kissedit。
"MonsieurTheophile，Ibelieve？"saidtheEnglishmantotheCorporal。
"ItisI，monsieur。"
"Permitme。"Mr。TheEnglishmanshookhimheartilybythehandandturnedaway。ButhetookitmightyillthatoldMonsieurMutuelinhispatchofsunlight，uponwhomhecameasheturned，shouldpulloffhiscaptohimwithalookofpleasedapproval。Andhemuttered，inhisowntongue，ashereturnedthesalutation，"Well，walnut-shell！AndwhatbusinessisitofYOURS？"
Mr。TheEnglishmanwentonformanyweekspassingbutdisturbedeveningsandworsenights，andconstantlyexperiencingthatthoseaforesaidwindowsinthehousesofMemoryandMercyrattledafterdark，andthathehadveryimperfectlynailedthemup。Likewise，hewentonformanyweeksdailyimprovingtheacquaintanceoftheCorporalandBebelle。Thatistosay，hetookBebellebythechin，andtheCorporalbythehand，andofferedBebellesousandtheCorporalcigars，andevengotthelengthofchangingpipeswiththeCorporalandkissingBebelle。Buthediditallinashamefacedway，andalwaystookitextremelyillthatMonsieurMutuelinhispatchofsunlightshouldnotewhathedid。Wheneverthatseemedtobethecase，healwaysgrowledinhisowntongue，"Thereyouareagain，walnut-shell！Whatbusinessisitofyours？"
Inaword，ithadbecometheoccupationofMr。TheEnglishman’slifetolookaftertheCorporalandlittleBebelle，andtoresentoldMonsieurMutuel’slookingafterHIM。Anoccupationonlyvariedbyafireinthetownonewindynight，andmuchpassingofwater-bucketsfromhandtohand（inwhichtheEnglishmanrenderedgoodservice），andmuchbeatingofdrums，——whenallofasuddentheCorporaldisappeared。
Next，allofasudden，Bebelledisappeared。
ShehadbeenvisibleafewdayslaterthantheCorporal，——sadlydeterioratedastowashingandbrushing，——butshehadnotspokenwhenaddressedbyMr。TheEnglishman，andhadlookedscaredandhadrunaway。Andnowitwouldseemthatshehadrunawayforgood。
AndtherelaytheGreatPlaceunderthewindows，bareandbarren。