No，Cinderella，youwerehuman，thatisall。Theartist，shiveringinhisconventionalattic，dreamingofFame！-doyouthinkheisnothopingshewillcometohislovingarmsintheformJovecametoDanae？Doyouthinkheisnotreckoningalsouponthegooddinnersandthebigcigars，thefurcoatandthediamondstuds，thathervisitswillenablehimtopurchase？
　　Thereisacertainpictureverypopularjustnow。Youmayseeit，Cinderella，inmanyoftheshop-windowsofthetown。Itiscalled"TheDreamofLove，"anditrepresentsabeautifulyounggirl，sleepinginaverybeautifulbutsomewhatdisarrangedbed。Indeed，onehopes，forthesleeper’ssake，thatthenightiswarm，andthattheroomisfairlyfreefromdraughts。Aladderoflightstreamsdownfromtheskyintotheroom，anduponthisladdercrowdandjostleoneanotherasmallarmyofplumpCupids，eachoneladenwithsomepledgeoflove。TwooftheImpsareemptyingasackofjewelsuponthefloor。Fourothersarebearing，welldisplayed，amagnificentdress（a"confection，"Ibelieve，istheproperterm）
　　cutsomewhatlow，butmakingupintrainwhatislackingelsewhere。
　　Othersbearbonnetboxesfromwhichpeepstylishtoquesandbewitchinghoods。Some，representingevidentlywholesalehouses，staggerundersilksandsatinsinthepiece。Cupidsaretherefromtheshoemakerswiththedaintiestofbottines。Stockings，garters，andevenlessmentionablearticles，arenotforgotten。Caskets，mirrors，twelve-buttonedgloves，scent-bottlesandhandkerchiefs，hair-pins，andthegayestofparasols，hastheGodofLovepiledintothearmsofhismessengers。Reallyamostpractical，up-to-
　　dateGodofLove，movingwiththetimes！OnefeelsthatthemodernTempleofLovemustbeasortofSwanandEdgar’s；thegodhimselfakindofcelestialshop-walker；whilehismother，Venus，nodoubtsuperintendsthecostumedepartment。QuiteanOlympianWhiteley，thislatter-dayEros；hehasforgottennothing，for，atthebackofthepicture，InoticeoneCupidcarryingaratherfatheartattheendofastring。
　　You，Cinderella，couldgivegoodcounseltothatsleepingchild。
　　Youwouldsaytoher——"Awakefromsuchdreams。Thecontentsofapawnbroker’sstore-roomwillnotbringyouhappiness。Dreamofloveifyouwill；thatisawisedream，evenifitremaineveradream。
　　Butthesecolouredbeads，theseManchestergoods！areyouthen——you，heiressofalltheages——stillatheartonlyassomepoorsavagemaidenbutlittleremovedabovethemonkeysthatsharetheprimevalforestwithher？WillyousellyourgoldtothefirsttraderthatbringsyouTHISbarter？Thesethings，child，willonlydazzleyoureyesforafewdays。DoyouthinktheBurlingtonArcadeisthegateofHeaven？"
　　Ah，yes，Itoocouldtalklikethat——I，writerofbooks，totheyounglad，sickofhisofficestool，dreamingofaliterarycareerleadingtofameandfortune。"Anddoyouthink，lad，thatbythatroadyouwillreachHappinesssoonerthanbyanother？Doyouthinkinterviewswithyourselfinpennyweeklieswillbringyouanysatisfactionafterthefirsthalfdozen？Doyouthinkthegushingfemalewhohasreadallyourbooks，andwhowonderswhatitmustfeelliketobesoclever，willbewelcometoyouthetenthtimeyoumeether？Doyouthinkpresscuttingswillalwaysconsistofwonderingadmirationofyourgenius，ofparagraphsaboutyourcharmingpersonalappearanceundertheheading，’OurCelebrities’？
　　HaveyouthoughtoftheUncomplimentarycriticisms，ofthespitefulparagraphs，oftheeverlastingfearofslippingafewinchesdownthegreasypolecalled’populartaste，’towhichyouarecondemnedtoclingforlife，assomelessercriminaltohiswearytread-mill，strugglingwithnohopebutnottofall！Makeahome，lad，forthewomanwholovesyou；gatheroneortwofriendsaboutyou；work，think，andplay，thatwillbringyouhappiness。Shunthisroaringgingerbreadfairthatcallsitself，forsooth，the’Worldofartandletters。’Letitsclownsanditscontortionistsfightamongthemselvesfortheplauditsandthehalfpenceofthemob。Letitbewithitsshoutinganditssurging，itsblareanditscheapflare。
　　Comeaway，thesummer’snightisjusttheothersideofthehedge，withitssilenceanditsstars。"
　　YouandI，Cinderella，areexperiencedpeople，andcanthereforeoffergoodadvice，butdoyouthinkweshouldbelistenedto？
　　"Ah，no，myPrinceisnotasyours。Minewilllovemealways，andI
　　ampeculiarlyfittedforthelifeofapalace。Ihavetheinstinctandtheabilityforit。IamsureIwasmadeforaprincess。Thankyou，Cinderella，foryourwell-meantcounsel，butthereismuchdifferencebetweenyouandme。"
　　Thatistheansweryouwouldreceive，Cinderella；andmyyoungfriendwouldsaytome，"Yes，IcanunderstandYOURfindingdisappointmentintheliterarycareer；butthen，yousee，ourcasesarenotquitesimilar。_I_amnotlikelytofindmuchtroubleinkeepingmyposition。_I_shallnotfearreadingwhatthecriticssayofME。Nodoubttherearedisadvantages，whenyouareamongtheruck，butthereisalwaysplentyofroomatthetop。Sothankyou，andgoodbye。"
　　Besides，Cinderelladear，weshouldnotquitemeanit——thisexcellentadvice。Wehavegrownaccustomedtothesegew-gaws，andweshouldmisstheminspiteofourknowledgeoftheirtrashiness：
　　you，yourpalaceandyourlittlegoldcrown；I，mymountebank’scap，andtheansweringlaughthatgoesupfromthecrowdwhenIshakemybells。Wewanteverything。Allthehappinessthatearthandheavenarecapableofbestowing。Creaturecomforts，andheartandsoulcomfortsalso；and，proud-spiritedbeingsthatweare，wewillnotbeputoffwithapart。Giveusonlyeverything，andwewillbecontent。And，afterall，Cinderella，youhavehadyourday。Somelittledogsnevergettheirs。Youmustnotbegreedy。YouhaveKNOWNhappiness。ThepalacewasParadiseforthosefewmonths，andthePrince’sarmswereaboutyou，Cinderella，thePrince’skissesonyourlips；thegodsthemselvescannottakeTHATfromyou。
　　Thecakecannotlastforeverifwewilleatofitsogreedily。
　　Theremustcomethedaywhenwehavepickedhungrilythelastcrumb——
　　whenwesitstaringattheemptyboard，nothingleftofthefeast，Cinderella，butthepainthatcomesoffeasting。
　　Itisanaiveconfession，poorHumanNaturehasmadetoitself，inchoosing，asithas，thisstoryofCinderellaforitsleadingmoral：——Begood，littlegirl。Bemeekunderyourmanytrials。Begentleandkind，inspiteofyourhardlot，andoneday——youshallmarryaprinceandrideinyourowncarriage。Bebraveandtrue，littleboy。Workhardandwaitwithpatience，andintheend，withGod’sblessing，youshallearnrichesenoughtocomebacktoLondontownandmarryyourmaster’sdaughter。
　　YouandI，gentleReader，couldteachtheseyoungfolksatruerlesson，anwewould。Weknow，alas！thattheroadofallthevirtuesdoesnotleadtowealth，ratherthecontrary；elsehowexplainourlimitedincomes？Butwoulditbewell，thinkyou，totellthembluntlythetruth——thathonestyisthemostexpensiveluxuryamancanindulgein；thatvirtue，ifpersistedin，leads，generallyspeaking，toasix-roomedhouseinanoutlyingsuburb？
　　Maybetheworldiswise：thefictionhasitsuses。
　　Iamacquaintedwithafairlyintelligentyounglady。Shecanreadandwrite，knowshertablesuptosixtimes，andcanargue。I
　　regardherasrepresentativeofaverageHumanityinitsattitudetowardsFate；andthisisadialogueIlatelyoverheardbetweenherandanolderladywhoisgoodenoughtooccasionallyimparttoherthewisdomoftheworld——
　　"I’vebeengoodthismorning，haven’tI？"
　　"Yes——ohyes，fairlygood，foryou。"
　　"YouthinkPapaWILLtakemetothecircusto-night？"
　　"Yes，ifyoukeepgood。Ifyoudon’tgetnaughtythisafternoon。"
　　Apause。
　　"IwasgoodonMonday，youmayremember，nurse。"
　　"Tolerablygood。"
　　"VERYgood，yousaid，nurse。"
　　"Well，yes，youweren’tbad。"
　　"AndIwastohavegonetothepantomime，andIdidn’t。"
　　"Well，thatwasbecauseyourauntcameupsuddenly，andyourPapacouldn’tgetanotherseat。Poorauntiewouldn’thavegoneatallifshehadn’tgonethen。"
　　"Oh，wouldn’tshe？"
　　"No。"
　　Anotherpause。
　　"Doyouthinkshe’llcomeupsuddenlyto-day？"
　　"Ohno，Idon’tthinkso。"
　　"No，Ihopeshedoesn’t。Iwanttogotothecircusto-night。
　　Because，yousee，nurse，ifIdon’titwilldiscourageme。"
　　So，perhapstheworldiswiseinpromisingusthecircus。Webelieveheratfirst。Butafterawhile，Ifear，wegrowdiscouraged。
　　ONTHEEXCEPTIONALMERITATTACHINGTOTHETHINGSWEMEANTTODO
　　Icanremember——butthenIcanrememberalongtimeago。You，gentleReader，justenteringupontheprimeoflife，thatagebythoughtlessyouthcalledmiddle，Icannot，ofcourse，expecttofollowme——whentherewasingreatdemandacertainperiodicalyclepedTheAmateur。Itsaimwasnoble。Itsoughttoteachthebeautifullessonofindependence，toinculcatethefinedoctrineofself-help。Onechapterexplainedtoamanhowhemightmakeflower-potsoutofAustralianmeatcans；anotherhowhemightturnbutter-tubsintomusic-stools；athirdhowhemightutilizeoldbonnetboxesforVenetianblinds：thatwastheprincipleofthewholescheme，youmadeeverythingfromsomethingnotintendedforit，andasill-suitedtothepurposeaspossible。
　　Twopages，Idistinctlyrecollect，weredevotedtotheencouragementofthemanufactureofumbrellastandsoutofoldgaspiping。
　　Anythinglessadaptedtothereceiptofhatsandumbrellasthangas-pipingIcannotmyselfconceive：hadtherebeen，Ifeelsuretheauthorwouldhavethoughtofit，andwouldhaverecommendedit。
　　Picture-framesyoufashionedoutofgingerbeercorks。Yousavedyourginger-beercorks，youfoundapicture——andthethingwascomplete。Howmuchginger-beeritwouldbenecessarytodrink，preparatorytothemakingofeachframe；andtheeffectofitupontheframe-maker’sphysical，mentalandmoralwell-being，didnotconcernTheAmateur。Icalculatethatforafair-sizedpicturesixteendozenbottlesmightsuffice。Whether，aftersixteendozenofginger-beer，amanwouldtakeanyinterestinframingapicture——
　　whetherhewouldretainanyprideinthepictureitself，isdoubtful。Butthis，ofcourse，wasnotthepoint。
　　Oneyounggentlemanofmyacquaintance——thesonofthegardenerofmysister，asfriendOllendorffwouldhavedescribedhim——didsucceedingettingthroughsufficientginger-beertoframehisgrandfather，buttheresultwasnotencouraging。Indeed，thegardener’swifeherselfwasbutillsatisfied。
　　"What’sallthemcorksroundfather？"washerfirstquestion。
　　"Can’tyousee，"wasthesomewhatindignantreply，"that’stheframe。"
　　"Oh！butwhycorks？"
　　"Well，thebooksaidcorks。"
　　Stilltheoldladyremainedunimpressed。
　　"Somehowitdon’tlooklikefathernow，"shesighed。
　　Hereldestborngrewirritable：noneofusappreciatecriticism！
　　"Whatdoesitlooklike，then？"hegrowled。
　　"Well，Idunno。Seemstometolooklikenothingbutcorks。"
　　Theoldlady’sviewwascorrect。Certainschoolsofartpossiblylendthemselvestothismethodofframing。Imyselfhaveseenafuneralcardimprovedbyit；but，generallyspeaking，theconsequencewasapredominanceofframeattheexpenseofthethingframed。Themorehonestandtastefuloftheframemakerswouldadmitasmuchthemselves。
　　"Yes，itisuglywhenyoulookatit，"saidonetome，aswestoodsurveyingitfromthecentreoftheroom。"Butwhatonefeelsaboutitisthatonehasdoneitoneself。"
　　Whichreflection，Ihavenoticed，reconcilesustomanyotherthingsbesidecorkframes。
　　Anotheryounggentlemanfriendofmine——forIamboundtoadmititwasyouththatprofitedmostbytheadviceandcounselofTheAmateur：Isupposeasonegrowsolderonegrowslessdaring，lessindustrious——madearocking-chair，accordingtotheinstructionsofthisbook，outofacoupleofbeerbarrels。Fromeverypracticalpointofviewitwasabadrocking-chair。Itrockedtoomuch，anditrockedintoomanydirectionsatoneandthesametime。Itakeit，amansittingonarocking-chairdoesnotwanttobecontinuallyrocking。Therecomesatimewhenhesaystohimself——"NowIhaverockedsufficientlyforthepresent；nowIwillsitstillforawhile，lestaworsethingbefallme。"Butthiswasoneofthoseheadstrongrocking-chairsthatareadangertohumanity，andanuisancetothemselves。Itsnotionwasthatitwasmadetorock，andthatwhenitwasnotrocking，itwaswastingitstime。Oncestartednothingcouldstopit——nothingeverdidstopit，untilitfounditselftopsyturvyonitsownoccupant。Thatwastheonlythingthateversoberedit。
　　Ihadcalled，andhadbeenshownintotheemptydrawing-room。Therocking-chairnoddedinvitinglyatme。Ineverguesseditwasanamateurrocking-chair。Iwasyounginthosedays，withfaithinhumannature，andIimaginedthat，whateverelseamanmightattemptwithoutknowledgeorexperience，noonewouldbefoolenoughtoexperimentuponarocking-chair。
　　Ithrewmyselfintoitlightlyandcarelessly。Iimmediatelynoticedtheceiling。Imadeaninstinctivemovementforward。Thewindowandamomentaryglimpseofthewoodedhillsbeyondshotupwardsanddisappeared。Thecarpetflashedacrossmyeyes，andI
　　caughtsightofmyownbootsvanishingbeneathmeattherateofabouttwohundredmilesanhour。Imadeaconvulsiveefforttorecoverthem。IsupposeIover-didit。Isawthewholeoftheroomatonce，thefourwalls，theceiling，andtheflooratthesamemoment。Itwasasortofvision。Isawthecottagepianoupsidedown，andIagainsawmyownbootsflashpastme，thistimeovermyhead，solesuppermost。NeverbeforehadIbeeninapositionwheremyownbootshadseemedsoall-pervading。ThenextmomentIlostmyboots，andstoppedthecarpetwithmyheadjustasitwasrushingpastme。Atthesameinstantsomethinghitmeviolentlyinthesmalloftheback。Reason，whenrecovered，suggestedthatmyassailantmustbetherocking-chair。
　　Investigationprovedthesurmisecorrect。FortunatelyIwasstillalone，andinconsequencewasable，afewminuteslater，tomeetmyhostesswithcalmanddignity。Isaidnothingabouttherocking-chair。Asamatteroffact，Iwashopingtohavethepleasure，beforeIwent，ofseeingsomeotherguestarriveandsampleit：Ihadpurposelyreplaceditinthemostprominentandconvenientposition。ButthoughIfeltcapableofschoolingmyselftosilence，Ifoundmyselfunabletoagreewithmyhostesswhenshecalledformyadmirationofthething。Myrecentexperienceshadtoodeeplyembitteredme。
　　"Williemadeithimself，"explainedthefondmother。"Don’tyouthinkitwasverycleverofhim？"
　　"Ohyes，itwasclever，"Ireplied，"Iamwillingtoadmitthat。"
　　"Hemadeitoutofsomeoldbeerbarrels，"shecontinued；sheseemedproudofit。
　　Myresentment，thoughItriedtokeepitundercontrol，wasmountinghigher。
　　"Oh！didhe？"Isaid；"Ishouldhavethoughthemighthavefoundsomethingbettertodowiththem。"
　　"What？"sheasked。
　　"Oh！well，manythings，"Iretorted。"Hemighthavefilledthemagainwithbeer。"
　　Myhostesslookedatmeastonished。Ifeltsomereasonformytonewasexpected。
　　"Yousee，"Iexplained，"itisnotawell-madechair。Theserockersaretooshort，andtheyaretoocurved，andoneofthem，ifyounotice，ishigherthantheotherandofasmallerradius；thebackisattooobtuseanangle。Whenitisoccupiedthecentreofgravitybecomes——"
　　Myhostessinterruptedme。
　　"Youhavebeensittingonit，"shesaid。
　　"Notforlong，"Iassuredher。
　　Hertonechanged。Shebecameapologetic。
　　"Iamsosorry，"shesaid。"Itlooksallright。"
　　"Itdoes，"Iagreed；"thatiswherethedearlad’sclevernessdisplaysitself。Itsappearancedisarmssuspicion。Withjudgmentthatchairmightbemadetoserveareallyusefulpurpose。Therearemutualacquaintancesofours——Imentionnonames，youwillknowthem——pompous，self-satisfied，superiorpersonswhowouldbeimprovedbythatchair。IfIwereWillieIshoulddisguisethemechanismwithsomeartisticdrapery，baitthethingwithacoupleofexceptionallyinvitingcushions，andemployittoinculcatemodestyanddiffidence。Idefyanyhumanbeingtogetoutofthatchair，feelingasimportantaswhenhegotintoit。Whatthedearboyhasdonehasbeentoconstructanautomaticexponentofthetransitorynatureofhumangreatness。Asamoralagencythatchairshouldproveablessingindisguise。"
　　Myhostesssmiledfeebly；more，Ifear，frompolitenessthangenuineenjoyment。
　　"Ithinkyouaretoosevere，"shesaid。"Whenyourememberthattheboyhasnevertriedhishandatanythingofthekindbefore，thathehasnoknowledgeandnoexperience，itreallyisnotsobad。"
　　ConsideringthematterfromthatpointofviewIwasboundtoconcur。IdidnotliketosuggesttoherthatbeforeenteringuponadifficulttaskitwouldbebetterforyoungmentoACQUIRE
　　knowledgeandexperience：thatissounpopularatheory。
　　ButthethingthatTheAmateurputinthefrontandforemostofitspropagandawasthemanufactureofhouseholdfurnitureoutofegg-boxes。Whyegg-boxesIhaveneverbeenabletounderstand，butegg-boxes，accordingtotheprescriptionofTheAmateur，formedthefoundationofhouseholdexistence。Withasufficientsupplyofegg-boxes，andwhatTheAmateurtermeda"naturaldeftness，"noyoungcoupleneedhesitatetofacethefurnishingproblem。Threeegg-boxesmadeawriting-table；onanotheregg-boxyousattowrite；
　　yourbookswererangedinegg-boxesaroundyou——andtherewasyourstudy，complete。
　　Forthedining-roomtwoegg-boxesmadeanovermantel；fouregg-boxesandapieceoflooking-glassasideboard；whilesixegg-boxes，withsomewaddingandayardorsoofcretonne，constitutedaso-called"cosycorner。"Aboutthe"corner"therecouldbenopossibledoubt。
　　Yousatonacorner，youleantagainstacorner；whicheverwayyoumovedyoustruckafreshcorner。The"cosiness，"however，Ideny。
　　Egg-boxesIadmitcanbemadeuseful；Iamevenpreparedtoimaginethemornamental；but"cosy，"no。Ihavesampledegg-boxesinmanyshapes。Ispeakofyearsago，whentheworldandwewereyounger，whenourfortunewastheFuture；secureinwhich，wehesitatednottosetuphouseuponincomesfolkswithlesserexpectationsmighthavedeemedinsufficient。Undersuchcircumstances，thesolealternativetotheegg-box，orsimilarschooloffurniture，wouldhavebeenthestrictlyclassical，consistingofadoorwayjoinedtoarchitecturalproportions。
　　IhavefromSaturdaytoMonday，ashonouredguest，hungmyclothesinegg-boxes。
　　Ihavesatonanegg-boxatanegg-boxtotakemydishoftea。I
　　havemadeloveonegg-boxes。——Aye，andtofeelagainthebloodrunningthroughmyveinsasthenitran，Iwouldbecontenttositonlyonegg-boxestillthetimeshouldcomewhenIcouldbeburiedinanegg-box，withanegg-boxrearedabovemeastombstone。——Ihavespentmanyaneveningonanegg-box；Ihavegonetobedinegg-boxes。Theyhavetheirpoints——Iamintendingnopun——buttoclaimforthemcosinesswouldbebuttodeceive。
　　Howquainttheywere，thosehome-maderooms！Theyriseoutoftheshadowsandshapethemselvesagainbeforemyeyes。Iseetheknobblysofa；theeasy-chairsthatmighthavebeendesignedbytheGrandInquisitorhimself；thedentedsettlethatwasabedbynight；
　　thefewblueplates，purchasedintheslumsoffWardourStreet；theenamelledstooltowhichonealwaysstuck；themirrorframedinsilk；thetwoJapanesefanscrossedbeneatheachcheapengraving；
　　thepianoclothembroideredinpeacock’sfeathersbyAnnie’ssister；
　　thetea-clothworkedbyCousinJenny。Wedreamt，sittingonthoseegg-boxes——forwewereyoungladiesandgentlemenwithartistictaste——ofthedayswhenwewouldeatinChippendaledining-rooms；
　　sipourcoffeeinLouisQuatorzedrawing-rooms；andbehappy。Well，wehavegoton，someofus，sincethen，asMr。Bumpususedtosay；
　　andInotice，whenonvisits，thatsomeofushavecontrivedsothatwedositonChippendalechairs，atSheratondining-tables，andarewarmedfromAdam’sfireplaces；but，ahme，wherearethedreams，thehopes，theenthusiasmsthatclunglikethescentofaMarchmorningaboutthosegim-cracksecondfloors？Inthedustbin，Ifear，withthecretonne-coveredegg-boxesandthepennyfans。Fateissoterriblyeven-handed。Asshegivessheevertakesaway。Sheflungusafewshillingsandhope，wherenowshedolesusoutpoundsandfears。Whydidnotweknowhowhappywewere，sittingcrownedwithsweetconceituponouregg-boxthrones？
　　Yes，Dick，youhaveclimbedwell。Youeditagreatnewspaper。Youspreadabroadthemessage——well，themessagethatSirJosephGoldbug，yourproprietor，instructsyoutospreadabroad。YouteachmankindthelessonsthatSirJosephGoldbugwishesthemtolearn。
　　Theysayheistohaveapeeragenextyear。Iamsurehehasearnedit；andperhapstheremaybeaknighthoodforyou，Dick。
　　Tom，youaregettingonnow。Youhaveabandonedthoseunsaleableallegories。WhatrichartpatroncarestobetoldcontinuallybyhisownwallsthatMidashadass’sears；thatLazarussitseveratthegate？Youpaintportraitsnow，andeverybodytellsmeyouarethecomingman。That"Impression"ofoldLadyJezebelwasreallywonderful。Thewomanlooksquitehandsome，andyetitisherladyship。Yourtouchistrulymarvellous。
　　Butintoyoursuccess，Tom——Dick，oldfriend，donottherecreepmomentswhenyouwouldthatwecouldfishupthoseoldegg-boxesfromthepast，refurnishwiththemthedingyroomsinCamdenTown，andfindthereouryouth，ourloves，andourbeliefs？
　　Anincidentbroughtbacktomymind，theotherday，thethoughtofallthesethings。Icalledforthefirsttimeuponaman，anactor，whohadaskedmetocomeandseehiminthelittlehomewhereheliveswithhisoldfather。Tomyastonishment——forthecraze，I
　　believe，haslongsincediedout——Ifoundthehousehalffurnishedoutofpackingcases，buttertubs，andegg-boxes。Myfriendearnshistwentypoundsaweek，butitwastheoldfather’shobby，soheexplainedtome，themakingofthesemonstrosities；andofthemhewasasproudasthoughtheywerespecimenfurnitureoutoftheSouthKensingtonMuseum。
　　Hetookmeintothedining-roomtoshowmethelatestoutrage——anewbook-case。Agreaterdisfigurementtotheroom，whichwasotherwiseprettilyfurnished，couldhardlybeimagined。Therewasnoneedforhimtoassureme，ashedid，thatithadbeenmadeoutofnothingbutegg-boxes。Onecouldseeataglancethatitwasmadeoutofegg-boxes，andbadlyconstructedegg-boxesatthat——egg-boxesthatwereadisgracetothefirmthathadturnedthemout；egg-boxesnotworthythestorageof"shop’uns"ateighteentheshilling。
　　Wewentupstairstomyfriend’sbedroom。Heopenedthedoorasamanmightopenthedoorofamuseumofgems。
　　"Theoldboy，"hesaid，ashestoodwithhishanduponthedoor-knob，"madeeverythingyouseehere，everything，"andweentered。Hedrewmyattentiontothewardrobe。"NowIwillholditup，"hesaid，"whileyoupullthedooropen；Ithinkthefloormustbeabituneven，itwobblesifyouarenotcareful。"Itwobblednotwithstanding，butbycoaxingandhumouringwesucceededwithoutmishap。Iwassurprisedtonoticeaverysmallsupplyofclotheswithin，althoughmyfriendisadressyman。
　　"Yousee，"heexplained，"IdarenotuseitmorethanIcanhelp。I
　　amaclumsychap，andaslikelyasnot，ifIhappenedtobeinahurry，I’dhavethewholethingover："whichseemedprobable。
　　Iaskedhimhowhecontrived。"Idressinthebath-roomasarule，"
　　hereplied；"Ikeepmostofmythingsthere。Ofcoursetheoldboydoesn’tknow。"
　　Heshowedmeachestofdrawers。Onedrawerstoodhalfopen。
　　"I’mboundtoleavethatdraweropen，"hesaid；"IkeepthethingsI
　　useinthat。Theydon’tshutquiteeasily，thesedrawers；orrather，theyshutallright，butthentheywon’topen。Itistheweather，Ithink。Theywillopenandshutallrightinthesummer，Idaresay。"Heisofahopefuldisposition。
　　Buttheprideoftheroomwasthewashstand。
　　"Whatdoyouthinkofthis？"criedheenthusiastically，"realmarbletop——"
　　Hedidnotexpatiatefurther。Inhisexcitementhehadlaidhishanduponthething，withthenaturalresultthatitcollapsed。
　　MorebyaccidentthandesignIcaughtthejuginmyarms。Ialsocaughtthewateritcontained。Thebasinrolledonitsedgeandlittledamagewasdone，excepttomeandthesoap-box。
　　Icouldnotpumpupmuchadmirationforthiswashstand；Iwasfeelingtoowet。
　　"Whatdoyoudowhenyouwanttowash？"Iasked，astogetherweresetthetrap。
　　Therefelluponhimthemannerofaconspiratorrevealingsecrets。
　　Heglancedguiltilyroundtheroom；then，creepingontip-toe，heopenedacupboardbehindthebed。Withinwasatinbasinandasmallcan。
　　"Don’ttelltheoldboy，"hesaid。"Ikeepthesethingshere，andwashonthefloor。"
　　ThatwasthebestthingImyselfevergotoutofegg-boxes——thatpictureofadeceitfulsonstealthilywashinghimselfuponthefloorbehindthebed，tremblingateveryfootsteplestitmightbethe"oldboy"comingtothedoor。
　　OnewonderswhethertheTenCommandmentsaresoall-sufficientaswegoodfolkdeemthem——whethertheeleventhisnotworththewholepackofthem："thatyeloveoneanother"withjustacommon-place，human，practicallove。Couldnottheothertenbecomfortablystowedawayintoacornerofthat！Oneisinclined，inone’sanarchicmoments，toagreewithLouisStevenson，thattobeamiableandcheerfulisagoodreligionforawork-a-dayworld。WearesobusyNOTkilling，NOTstealing，NOTcovetingourneighbour’swife，wehavenottimetobeevenjusttooneanotherforthelittlewhilewearetogetherhere。Needwebesococksurethatourpresentlistofvirtuesandvicesistheonlypossiblycorrectandcompleteone？
　　Isthekind，unselfishmannecessarilyavillainbecausehedoesnotalwayssucceedinsuppressinghisnaturalinstincts？Isthenarrow-hearted，sour-souledman，incapableofagenerousthoughtoract，necessarilyasaintbecausehehasnone？Havewenot——weuncoguid——arrivedatawrongmethodofestimatingourfrailerbrothersandsisters？Wejudgethem，ascriticsjudgebooks，notbythegoodthatisinthem，butbytheirfaults。PoorKingDavid！WhatwouldthelocalVigilanceSocietyhavehadtosaytohim？
　　Noah，accordingtoourplan，wouldbedenouncedfromeveryteetotalplatforminthecountry，andHamwouldheadtheLocalVestrypollasarewardforhavingexposedhim。AndSt。Peter！weak，frailSt。
　　Peter，howluckyforhimthathisfellow-disciplesandtheirMasterwerenotasstrictintheirnotionsofvirtueasareweto-day。
　　Havewenotforgottenthemeaningoftheword"virtue"？Onceitstoodforthegoodthatwasinaman，irrespectiveoftheevilthatmightlietherealso，astaresamongthewheat。Wehaveabolishedvirtue，andforitsubstitutedvirtues。Notthehero——hewastoofulloffaults——buttheblamelessvalet；notthemanwhodoesanygood，butthemanwhohasnotbeenfoundoutinanyevil，isourmodernideal。Themostvirtuousthinginnature，accordingtothisnewtheory，shouldbetheoyster。Heisalwaysathome，andalwayssober。Heisnotnoisy。Hegivesnotroubletothepolice。I
　　cannotthinkofasingleoneoftheTenCommandmentsthatheeverbreaks。Heneverenjoyshimself，andhenever，solongashelives，givesamoment’spleasuretoanyotherlivingthing。
　　Icanimaginetheoysterlecturingaliononthesubjectofmorality。
　　"Youneverhearme，"theoystermightsay，"howlingroundcampsandvillages，makingnighthideous，frighteningquietfolkoutoftheirlives。Whydon’tyougotobedearly，asIdo？Ineverprowlroundtheoyster-bed，fightingothergentlemenoysters，makinglovetoladyoystersalreadymarried。Ineverkillantelopesormissionaries。Whycan’tyouliveasIdoonsaltwaterandgerms，orwhateveritisthatIdoliveon？Whydon’tyoutrytobemorelikeme？"
　　Anoysterhasnoevilpassions，thereforewesayheisavirtuousfish。Weneveraskourselves——"Hasheanygoodpassions？"Alion’sbehaviourisoftensuchasnojustmancouldcondone。Hashenothisgoodpointsalso？
　　Willthefat，sleek，"virtuous"manbeasWelcomeatthegateofheavenashesupposes？
　　"Well，"St。Petermaysaytohim，openingthedooralittlewayandlookinghimupanddown，"whatisitnow？"
　　"It’sme，"thevirtuousmanwillreply，withanoily，self-satisfiedsmile；"Ishouldsay，I——I’vecome。"
　　"Yes，Iseeyouhavecome；butwhatisyourclaimtoadmittance？
　　Whathaveyoudonewithyourthreescoreyearsandten？"
　　"Done！"thevirtuousmanwillanswer，"Ihavedonenothing，Iassureyou。"
　　"Nothing！"
　　"Nothing；thatismystrongpoint；thatiswhyIamhere。Ihaveneverdoneanywrong。"
　　"Andwhatgoodhaveyoudone？"
　　"Whatgood！"
　　"Aye，whatgood？Donotyouevenknowthemeaningoftheword？
　　Whathumancreatureisthebetterforyourhavingeatenanddrunkandslepttheseyears？Youhavedonenoharm——noharmtoyourself。
　　Perhaps，ifyouhadyoumighthavedonesomegoodwithit；thetwoaregenerallytobefoundtogetherdownbelow，Iremember。Whatgoodhaveyoudonethatyoushouldenterhere？Thisisnomummychamber；thisistheplaceofmenandwomenwhohavelived，whohavewroughtgood——andevilalso，alas！——forthesinnerswhofightfortheright，nottherighteouswhorunwiththeirsoulsfromthefight。"
　　Itwasnot，however，tospeakofthesethingsthatIrememberedTheAmateuranditslessons。Myintentionwasbuttoleaduptothestoryofacertainsmallboy，whointhedoingoftasksnotrequiredofhimwasexceedinglyclever。Iwishtotellyouhisstory，because，asdomosttruetales，itpossessesamoral，andstorieswithoutamoralIdeemtobebutfoolishliterature，resemblingroadsthatleadtonowhere，suchassickfolktrampforexercise。
　　Ihaveknownthislittleboytotakeanexpensiveeight-dayclocktopieces，andmakeofitatoysteamboat。True，itwasnot，whenmade，verymuchofasteamboat；buttakingintoconsiderationallthedifficulties——theinadaptabilityofeight-dayclockmachinerytosteamboatrequirements，thenecessityofgettingtheworkaccomplishedquickly，beforeconservatively-mindedpeoplewithnoenthusiasmforsciencecouldinterfere——agoodenoughsteamboat。
　　Withmerelyanironing-boardandafewdozenmeat-skewers，hewould——providedtheironing-boardwasnotmissedintime——turnoutquiteapracticablerabbit-hutch。Hecouldmakeagunoutofanumbrellaandagas-bracket，which，ifnotsoaccurateasaMartini-Henry，was，atallevents，moredeadly。Withhalfthegarden-hose，acopperscalding-panoutofthedairy，andafewDresdenchinaornamentsoffthedrawing-roommantelpiece，hewouldbuildafountainforthegarden。Hecouldmakebookshelvesoutofkitchentables，andcrossbowsoutofcrinolines。Hecoulddamyouastreamsothatallthewaterwouldflowoverthecroquetlawn。Heknewhowtomakeredpaintandoxygengas，togetherwithmanyothersuchlikecommoditieshandytohaveaboutahouse。Amongotherthingshelearnedhowtomakefireworks，andafterafewexplosionsofanunimportantcharacter，cametomakethemverywellindeed。
　　Theboywhocanplayagoodgameofcricketisliked。Theboywhocanfightwellisrespected。Theboywhocancheekamasterisloved。Buttheboywhocanmakefireworksisreveredaboveallothersasaboybelongingtoasuperiororderofbeings。ThefifthofNovemberwasathand，andwiththeconsentofanindulgentmother，hedeterminedtogivetotheworldaproofofhispowers。A
　　largepartyoffriends，relatives，andschool-mateswasinvited，andforafortnightbeforehandthescullerywasconvertedintoamanufactoryforfireworks。Thefemaleservantswentaboutinhourlyterroroftheirlives，andthevilla，didwejudgeexclusivelybysmell，onemighthaveimaginedhadbeentakenoverbySatan，hismainpremisesbeinginconvenientlycrowded，asanannex。Bytheeveningofthefourthallwasinreadiness，andsamplesweretestedtomakesurethatnocontretempsshouldoccurthefollowingnight。
　　Allwasfoundtobeperfect。
　　Therocketsrushedheavenwardanddescendedinstars，theRomancandlestossedtheirfieryballsintothedarkness，theCatherinewheelssparkledandwhirled，thecrackerscracked，andthesquibsbanged。Thatnighthewenttobedaproudandhappyboy，anddreamedoffame。Hestoodsurroundedbyblazingfireworks，andthevastcrowdcheeredhim。Hisrelations，mostofwhom，heknew，regardedhimasthecomingidiotofthefamily，weretheretowitnesshistriumph；sotoowasDickeyBowles，wholaughedathimbecausehecouldnotthrowstraight。Thegirlatthebun-shop，shealsowasthere，andsawthathewasclever。
　　Thenightofthefestivalarrived，andwithittheguests。Theysat，wrappedupinshawlsandcloaks，outsidethehalldoor——uncles，cousins，aunts，littleboysandbigboys，littlegirlsandbiggirls，with，asthetheatreposterssay，villagersandretainers，somefortyoftheminall，andwaited。
　　Butthefireworksdidnotgooff。WhytheydidnotgooffIcannotexplain；nobodyeverCOULDexplain。Thelawsofnatureseemedtobesuspendedforthatnightonly。Therocketsfelldownanddiedwheretheystood。Nohumanagencyseemedabletoignitethesquibs。Thecrackersgaveonebangandcollapsed。TheRomancandlesmighthavebeenEnglishrushlights。TheCatherinewheelsbecamemererevolvingglow-worms。Thefieryserpentscouldnotcollectamongthemthespiritofatortoise。Thesetpiece，ashipatsea，showedonemastandthecaptain，andthenwentout。Oneortwoitemsdidtheirduty，butthisonlyservedtorenderthefoolishnessofthewholemorestriking。Thelittlegirlsgiggled，thelittleboyschaffed，theauntsandcousinssaiditwasbeautiful，theunclesinquiredifitwasallover，andtalkedaboutsupperandtrains，the"villagersandretainers"dispersedlaughing，theindulgentmothersaid"nevermind，"andexplainedhowwelleverythinghadgoneoffyesterday；thecleverlittleboycreptupstairstohisroom，andblubberedhisheartoutinthedark。
　　Hourslater，whenthecrowdhadforgottenhim，hestoleoutagainintothegarden。Hesatdownamidtheruinsofhishope，andwonderedwhatcouldhavecausedthefiasco。Stillpuzzled，hedrewfromhispocketaboxofmatches，and，lightingone，heheldittothesearedendofarockethehadtriedinvaintolightfourhoursago。Itsmoulderedforaninstant，thenshotwithaswishintotheairandbrokeintoahundredpointsoffire。Hetriedanotherandanotherwiththesameresult。Hemadeafreshattempttofirethesetpiece。Pointbypointthewholepicture——minusthecaptainandonemast——cameoutofthenight，andstoodrevealedinallthemajestyofflame。Itssparksfelluponthepiled-upheapofcandles，wheels，androcketsthatalittlewhilebeforehadobstinatelyrefusedtoburn，andthat，oneafteranother，hadbeenthrownasideasuseless。Nowwiththenightfrostuponthem，theyleapedtolightinonegrandvolcaniceruption。Andinfrontofthegorgeousspectaclehestoodwithonlyoneconsolation——hismother’shandinhis。
　　Thewholethingwasamysterytohimatthetime，but，ashelearnedtoknowlifebetter，hecametounderstandthatitwasonlyoneexampleofasolidbutinexplicablefact，rulingallhumanaffairs——YOURFIREWORKSWON’TGOOFFWHILETHECROWDISAROUND。
　　Ourbrilliantreparteesdonotoccurtoustillthedooriscloseduponusandwearealoneinthestreet，or，astheFrenchwouldsay，arecomingdownthestairs。Ourafter-dinneroratory，thatsoundedsotellingaswedelivereditbeforethelooking-glass，fallsstrangelyflatamidsttheclinkingoftheglasses。Thepassionatetorrentofwordswemeanttopourintoherearbecomesahaltingrigmarole，atwhich——smallblametoher——sheonlylaughs。
　　Iwould，gentleReader，youcouldhearthestoriesthatImeanttotellyou。Youjudgeme，ofcourse，bythestoriesofminethatyouhaveread——bythissortofthing，perhaps；butthatisnotjusttome。ThestoriesIhavenottoldyou，thatIamgoingtotellyouoneday，Iwouldthatyoujudgemebythose。
　　Theyaresobeautiful；youwillsayso；overthem，youwilllaughandcrywithme。
　　Theycomeintomybrainunbidden，theyclamourtobewritten，yetwhenItakemypeninhandtheyaregone。Itisasthoughtheywereshyofpublicity，asthoughtheywouldsaytome——"Youalone，youshallreadus，butyoumustnotwriteus；wearetooreal，tootrue。
　　Wearelikethethoughtsyoucannotspeak。Perhapsalittlelater，whenyouknowmoreoflife，thenyoushalltellus。"
　　NexttotheseinmeritIwouldplace，wereIwritingacriticalessayonmyself，thestoriesIhavebeguntowriteandthatremainunfinished，whyIcannotexplaintomyself。Theyaregoodstories，mostofthem；betterfarthanthestoriesIhaveaccomplished。
　　Anothertime，perhaps，ifyoucaretolisten，Iwilltellyouthebeginningofoneortwoandyoushalljudge。Strangelyenough，forIhavealwaysregardedmyselfasapractical，commonsensedman，somanyofthesestill-bornchildrenofmymindIfind，onlookingthroughthecupboardwheretheirthinbodieslie，areghoststories。
　　Isupposethehopeofghostsiswithusall。Theworldgrowssomewhatinterestingtousheirsofalltheages。Yearbyyear，Sciencewithbroomanddustertearsdownthemoth-worntapestry，forcesthedoorsofthelockedchambers，letslightintothesecretstairways，cleansoutthedungeons，exploresthehiddenpassages——
　　findingeverywhereonlydust。Thisechoingoldcastle，theworld，sofullofmysteryinthedayswhenwewerechildren，islosingsomewhatitscharmforusaswegrowolder。Thekingsleepsnolongerinthehollowofthehills。Wehavetunnelledthroughhismountainchamber。Wehaveshiveredhisbeardwithourpick。WehavedriventhegodsfromOlympus。Nowandererthroughthemoonlitgrovesnowfearsorhopesthesweet，death-givinggleamofAphrodite’sface。Thor’shammerechoesnotamongthepeaks——’tisbutthethunderoftheexcursiontrain。Wehavesweptthewoodsofthefairies。Wehavefilteredtheseaofitsnymphs。Eventheghostsareleavingus，chasedbythePsychicalResearchSociety。
　　Perhapsofall，theyaretheleast，however，toberegretted。Theyweredulloldfellows，clankingtheirrustychainsandgroaningandsighing。Letthemgo。
　　Andyethowinterestingtheymightbe，ifonlytheywould。Theoldgentlemaninthecoatofmail，wholivedinKingJohn’sreign，whowasmurdered，sotheysay，ontheoutskirtsoftheverywoodIcanseefrommywindowasIwrite——stabbedintheback，poorgentleman，ashewasridinghome，hisbodyflungintothemoatthattothisdayiscalledTor’stomb。Dryenoughitisnow，andtheprimrosesloveitssteepbanks；butagloomyenoughplaceinthosedays，nodoubt，withitstwentyfeetofstagnantwater。Whydoeshehaunttheforestpathsatnight，astheytellmehedoes，frighteningthechildrenoutoftheirwits，blanchingthefacesandstillingthelaughterofthepeasantladsandlasses，slouchinghomefromthevillagedance？Instead，whydoeshenotcomeuphereandtalktome？Heshouldhavemyeasy-chairandwelcome，wouldheonlybecheerfulandcompanionable。
　　Whatbravetalescouldhenottellme。HefoughtinthefirstCrusade，heardtheclarionvoiceofPeter，metthegreatGodfreyfacetoface，stood，handonsword-hilt，atRunny-mede，perhaps。
　　Betterthanawholelibraryofhistoricalnovelswouldanevening’schatbewithsuchaghost。Whathashedonewithhiseighthundredyearsofdeath？wherehashebeen？whathasheseen？MaybehehasvisitedMars；hasspokentothestrangespiritswhocanliveintheliquidfiresofJupiter。Whathashelearnedofthegreatsecret？
　　Hashefoundthetruth？orishe，evenasI，awandererstillseekingtheunknown？
　　You，poor，pale，greynun——theytellmethatofmidnightsonemayseeyourwhitefacepeeringfromtheruinedbelfrywindow，heartheclashofswordandshieldamongthecedar-treesbeneath。
　　Itwasverysad，Iquiteunderstand，mydearlady。Yourloversbothwerekilled，andyouretiredtoaconvent。Believeme，Iamsincerelysorryforyou，butwhywasteeverynightrenewingthewholepainfulexperience？Woulditnotbebetterforgotten？GoodHeavens，madam，supposewelivingfolkweretospendourliveswailingandwringingourhandsbecauseofthewrongsdonetouswhenwewerechildren？Itisallovernow。Hadhelived，andhadyoumarriedhim，youmightnothavebeenhappy。Idonotwishtosayanythingunkind，butmarriagesfoundeduponthesincerestmutuallovehavesometimesturnedoutunfortunately，asyoumustsurelyknow。
　　Dotakemyadvice。Talkthematteroverwiththeyoungmenthemselves。Persuadethemtoshakehandsandbefriends。Comein，allofyou，outofthecold，andletushavesomereasonabletalk。
　　Whyseekyoutotroubleus，youpoorpaleghosts？Arewenotyourchildren？Beourwisefriends。Tellme，howlovedtheyoungmeninyouryoungdays？howansweredthemaidens？Hastheworldchangedmuch，doyouthink？Hadyounotnewwomeneventhen？girlswhohatedtheeverlastingtapestryframeandspinning-wheel？Yourfather’sservants，weretheysomuchworseoffthanthefreemenwholiveinourEast-endslumsandsewslippersforfourteenhoursadayatawageofnineshillingsaweek？DoyouthinkSocietymuchimprovedduringthelastthousandyears？Isitworse？isitbetter？
　　orisit，onthewhole，aboutthesame，savethatwecallthingsbyothernames？Tellme，whathaveYOUlearned？
　　Yetmightnotfamiliaritybreedcontempt，evenforghosts。
　　Onehashadatiringday’sshooting。Oneislookingforwardtoone’sbed。Asoneopensthedoor，however，aghostlylaughcomesfrombehindthebed-curtains，andonegroansinwardly，knowingwhatisinstoreforone：atwoorthreehours’talkwithrowdyoldSirLanval——heofthelance。Weknowallhistalesbyheart，andhewillshoutthem。Supposeouraunt，fromwhomwehaveexpectations，andwhosleepsinthenextroom，shouldwakeandoverhear！Theywerefitandproperenoughstories，nodoubt，fortheRoundTable，butwefeelsureourauntwouldnotappreciatethem：——thatstoryaboutSirAgravainandthecooper’swife！andhealwayswilltellthatstory。
　　Orimaginethemaidenteringafterdinnertosay——
　　"Oh，ifyouplease，sir，hereistheveiledlady。"
　　"What，again！"saysyourwife，lookingupfromherwork。
　　"Yes，ma’am；shallIshowherupintothebedroom？"
　　"Youhadbetteraskyourmaster，"isthereply。Thetoneissuggestiveofanunpleasantfiveminutessosoonasthegirlshallhavewithdrawn，butwhatareyoutodo？
　　"Yes，yes，showherup，"yousay，andthegirlgoesout，closingthedoor。
　　Yourwifegathersherworktogether，andrises。
　　"Whereareyougoing？"youask。
　　"Tosleepwiththechildren，"isthefrigidanswer。
　　"Itwilllooksorude，"youurge。"Wemustbeciviltothepoorthing；andyouseeitreallyisherroom，asonemightsay。Shehasalwayshauntedit。"
　　"Itisverycurious，"returnsthewifeofyourbosom，stillmoreicily，"thatsheneverhauntsitexceptwhenyouaredownhere。
　　WhereshegoeswhenyouareintownI’msureIdon’tknow。"
　　Thisisunjust。Youcannotrestrainyourindignation。