"Oh，I’vecometoseeMr。Williamson，"yousay。
　　"Verysorry，sir，"isthepolitereply，"buthe’sout。"
　　"Out？Why，youjustnowtoldmethroughthetelephonethathe’dbeinallthemorning。"
　　"No，Isaid，he’WON’Tbeinallthemorning。’"
　　Yougobacktotheoffice，andsitdowninfrontofthattelephoneandlookatit。Thereithangs，calmandimperturbable。Wereitanordinaryinstrument，thatwouldbeitslasthour。Youwouldgostraightdown-stairs，getthecoal-hammerandthekitchen-poker，anddivideitintosufficientpiecestogiveabittoeverymaninLondon。Butyoufeelnervousoftheseelectricalaffairs，andthereisasomethingaboutthattelephone，withitsblackholeandcurlywires，thatcowsyou。Youhaveanotionthatifyoudon’thandleitproperlysomethingmaycomeandshockyou，andthentherewillbeaninquest，andbotherofthatsort，soyouonlycurseit。
　　Thatiswhathappenswhenyouwanttousethetelephonefromyourend。Butthatisnottheworstthatthetelephonecando。A
　　sensibleman，afteralittleexperience，canlearntoleavethethingalone。Yourworsttroublesarenotofyourownmaking。Youareworkingagainsttime；youhavegiveninstructionsnottobedisturbed。Perhapsitisafterlunch，andyouarethinkingwithyoureyesclosed，sothatyourthoughtsshallnotbedistractedbytheobjectsabouttheroom。Ineithercaseyouareanxiousnottoleaveyourchair，whenoffgoesthattelephonebellandyouspringfromyourchair，uncertain，forthemoment，whetheryouhavebeenshot，orblownupwithdynamite。Itoccurstoyouinyourweaknessthatifyoupersistintakingnonotice，theywillgettired，andleaveyoualone。Butthatisnottheirmethod。Thebellringsviolentlyatten-secondintervals。Youhavenothingtowrapyourheadupin。Youthinkitwillbebettertogetthisbusinessoveranddonewith。Yougotoyourfateandcallbacksavagely——
　　"Whatisit？Whatdoyouwant？"
　　Noanswer，onlyaconfusedmurmur，prominentoutofwhichcomethevoicesoftwomenswearingatoneanother。Thelanguagetheyaremakinguseofisdisgraceful。Thetelephoneseemspeculiarlyadaptedfortheconveyanceofblasphemy。Ordinarylanguagesoundsindistinctthroughit；buteverywordthosetwomenaresayingcanbeheardbyallthetelephonesubscribersinLondon。
　　Itisuselessattemptingtolistentilltheyhavedone。Whentheyareexhausted，youapplytothetubeagain。Noanswerisobtainable。Yougetmad，andbecomesarcastic；onlybeingsarcasticwhenyouarenotsurethatanybodyisattheotherendtohearyouisunsatisfying。
　　Atlast，afteraquarterofanhourorsoofsaying，"Areyouthere？""Yes，I’mhere，""Well？"theyoungladyattheExchangeaskswhatyouwant。
　　"Idon’twantanything，"youreply。
　　"Thenwhydoyoukeeptalking？"sheretorts；"youmustn’tplaywiththething。"
　　Thisrendersyouspeechlesswithindignationforawhile，uponrecoveringfromwhichyouexplainthatsomebodyrangyouup。
　　"WHOrangyouup？"sheasks。
　　"Idon’tknow。"
　　"Iwishyoudid，"sheobserves。
　　Generallydisgusted，youslamthetrumpetupandreturntoyourchair。Theinstantyouareseatedthebellclangsagain；andyouflyupanddemandtoknowwhatthethundertheywant，andwhothethundertheyare。
　　"Don’tspeaksoloud，wecan’thearyou。Whatdoyouwant？"istheanswer。
　　"Idon’twantanything。Whatdoyouwant？Whydoyouringmeup，andthennotanswerme？Doleavemealone，ifyoucan！"
　　"Wecan’tgetHongKongsatseventy-four。"
　　"Well，Idon’tcareifyoucan’t。"
　　"WouldyoulikeZulus？"
　　"Whatareyoutalkingabout？"youreply；"Idon’tknowwhatyoumean。"
　　"WouldyoulikeZulus——Zulusatseventy-threeandahalf？"
　　"Iwouldn’thave’ematsixapenny。Whatareyoutalkingabout？"
　　"HongKongs——wecan’tgetthematseventy-four。Oh，half-a-minute"
　　（thehalf-a-minutepasses）。"Areyouthere？"
　　"Yes，butyouaretalkingtothewrongman。"
　　"WecangetyouHongKongsatseventy-fourandseven-eights。"
　　"BotherHongKongs，andyoutoo。Itellyou，youaretalkingtothewrongman。I’vetoldyouonce。"
　　"Oncewhat？"
　　"Why，thatIamthewrongman——Imeanthatyouaretalkingtothewrongman。"
　　"Whoareyou？"
　　"Eight-one-nine，Jones。"
　　"Oh，aren’tyouone-nine-eight？"
　　"No。"
　　"Oh，good-bye。"
　　"Good-bye。"
　　HowcanamanafterthatsitdownandwritepleasantlyoftheEuropeancrisis？And，ifitwereneeded，hereinliesanotherindictmentagainstthetelephone。Iwasengagedinanargument，which，ifnotinitselfserious，wasatleastconcernedwithaseriousenoughsubject，theunsatisfactorynatureofhumanriches；
　　andfromthathighlymoraldiscussionhaveIbeenlured，bytheaccidentalsightoftheword"telephone，"intothewritingofmatterwhichcanhavetheeffectonlyofexcitingtofrenzyallcriticsoftheNewHumourintowhosehands，fortheirsins，thisbookmaycome。
　　Letmeforgetmytransgressionandreturntomysermon，orrathertothesermonofmymillionaireacquaintance。
　　Itwasonedayafterdinner，wesattogetherinhismagnificentlyfurnisheddining-room。Wehadlightedourcigarsatthesilverlamp。Thebutlerhadwithdrawn。
　　"Thesecigarswearesmoking，"myfriendsuddenlyremarked，aproposapparentlyofnothing，"theycostmefiveshillingsapiece，takingthembythethousand。"
　　"Icanquitebelieveit，"Ianswered；"theyareworthit。"
　　"Yes，toyou，"hereplied，almostsavagely。"Whatdoyouusuallypayforyourcigars？"
　　Wehadknowneachotheryearsago。WhenIfirstmethimhisofficesconsistedofabackroomupthreeflightsofstairsinadingyby-
　　streetofftheStrand，whichhassincedisappeared。Weoccasionallydinedtogether，inthosedays，atarestaurantinGreatPortlandStreet，foroneandnine。Ouracquaintanceshipwasofsufficientstandingtoallowofsuchaquestion。
　　"Threepence，"Ianswered。"Theyworkoutatabouttwopencethree-farthingsbythebox。"
　　"Justso，"hegrowled；"andyourtwopenny-three-farthingweedgivesyoupreciselythesameamountofsatisfactionthatthisfiveshillingcigaraffordsme。ThatmeansfourandninepencefarthingwastedeverytimeIsmoke。Ipaymycooktwohundredayear。I
　　don’tenjoymydinnerasmuchaswhenitcostmefourshillings，includingaquarterflaskofChianti。Whatisthedifference，personally，tomewhetherIdrivetomyofficeinacarriageandpair，orinanomnibus？Ioftendorideinabus：itsavestrouble。Itisabsurdwastingtimelookingforone’scoachman，whentheconductorofanomnibusthatpassesone’sdoorishailingoneafewyardsoff。BeforeIcouldaffordevenbuses——whenIusedtowalkeverymorningtotheofficefromHammersmith——Iwashealthier。
　　ItirritatesmetothinkhowhardIworkfornoearthlybenefittomyself。MymoneypleasesalotofpeopleIdon’tcaretwostrawsabout，andwhoareonlymyfriendsinthehopeofmakingsomethingoutofme。IfIcouldeatahundred-guineadinnermyselfeverynight，andenjoyitfourhundredtimesasmuchasIusedtoenjoyafive-shillingdinner，therewouldbesomesenseinit。WhydoIdoit？"
　　Ihadneverheardhimtalklikethisbefore。Inhisexcitementherosefromthetable，andcommencedpacingtheroom。
　　"Whydon’tIinvestmymoneyinthetwoandahalfpercents？"hecontinued。"AttheveryworstIshouldbesafeforfivethousandayear。What，inthenameofcommonsense，doesamanwantwithmore？
　　Iamalwayssayingtomyself，I’lldoit；whydon’tI？
　　"Well，whynot？"Iechoed。
　　"That’swhatIwantyoutotellme，"hereturned。"Yousetupforunderstandinghumannature，it’samysterytome。Inmyplace，youwoulddoasIdo；youknowthat。Ifsomebodyleftyouahundredthousandpoundsto-morrow，youwouldstartanewspaper，orbuildatheatre——somedamn-fooltrickforgettingridofthemoneyandgivingyourselfseventeenhours’anxietyaday；youknowyouwould。"
　　Ihungmyheadinshame。Ifeltthejusticeoftheaccusation。Ithasalwaysbeenmydreamtorunanewspaperandownatheatre。
　　"Ifweworkedonlyforwhatwecouldspend，"hewenton，"theCitymightputupitsshuttersto-morrowmorning。WhatIwanttogetatthebottomofisthisinstinctthatdrivesustoworkapparentlyforwork’sownsake。Whatisthisstrangethingthatgetsuponourbackandspursus？"
　　AservantenteredatthatmomentwithacablegramfromthemanagerofoneofhisAustrianmines，andhehadtoleavemeforhisstudy。
　　But，walkinghome，Ifelltoponderingonhiswords。WHYthisendlesswork？Whyeachmorningdowegetupandwashanddressourselves，toundressourselvesatnightandgotobedagain？Whydoweworkmerelytoearnmoneytobuyfood；andeatfoodsoastogainstrengththatwemaywork？Whydowelive，merelyintheendtosaygood-byetooneanother？Whydowelabourtobringchildrenintotheworldthattheymaydieandbeburied？
　　Ofwhatuseourmadstriving，ourpassionatedesire？Willitmattertotheageswhether，onceuponatime，theUnionJackortheTricolourfloatedoverthebattlementsofBadajoz？Yetwepouredourbloodintoitsditchestodecidethequestion。Willitmatter，inthedayswhentheglacialperiodshallhavecomeagain，toclothetheearthwithsilence，whosefootfirsttrodthePole？Yet，generationaftergeneration，wemileitsroadwaywithourwhiteningbones。Soverysoonthewormscometous；doesitmatterwhetherwelove，orhate？Yetthehotbloodrushesthroughourveins，wewearoutheartandbrainforshadowyhopesthateverfadeaswepressforward。
　　Theflowerstrugglesupfromseed-pod，drawsthesweetsapfromtheground，foldsitspetalseachnight，andsleeps。Thenlovecomestoitinastrangeform，anditlongstomingleitspollenwiththepollenofsomeotherflower。Soitputsforthitsgayblossoms，andthewanderinginsectbearsthemessagefromseed-podtoseed-pod。
　　Andtheseasonspass，bringingwiththemthesunshineandtherain，tilltheflowerwithers，neverhavingknowntherealpurposeforwhichitlived，thinkingthegardenwasmadeforit，notitforthegarden。Thecoralinsectdreamsinitssmallsoul，whichispossiblyitssmallstomach，ofhomeandfood。Soitworksandstrivesdeepdowninthedarkwaters，neverknowingofthecontinentsitisfashioning。
　　Butthequestionstillremains：forwhatpurposeisitall？
　　Scienceexplainsittous。Byagesofstrifeandeffortweimprovetherace；fromether，throughthemonkey，manisborn。So，throughthelabourofthecomingages，hewillfreehimselfstillfurtherfromthebrute。Throughsorrowandthroughstruggle，bythesweatofbrainandbrow，hewilllifthimselftowardstheangels。Hewillcomeintohiskingdom。
　　Butwhythebuilding？Whythepassingofthecountlessages？Whyshouldhenothavebeenbornthegodheistobe，imbuedatbirthwithallthecapabilitieshisancestorshavediedacquiring？WhythePictandHunthat_I_maybe？Why_I_，thatadescendantofmyown，towhomIshallseemasavage，shallcomeafterme？Why，iftheuniversebeorderedbyaCreatortowhomallthingsarepossible，theprotoplasmiccell？Whynotthemanthatistobe？
　　Shallallthegenerationsbesomuchhumanwastethathemaylive？
　　AmIbutanotherlayerofthesoilpreparingforhim？
　　Or，ifourfuturebeinotherspheres，thenwhytheneedofthisplanet？ArewelabouringatsomeWorktoovastforustoperceive？
　　Areourpassionsanddesiresmerewhipsandtracesbythehelpofwhichwearedriven？Anytheoryseemsmorehopefulthanthethoughtthatalloureager，fretfullivesarebuttheturningofauselessprisoncrank。Lookingbackthelittledistancethatourdimeyescanpenetratethepast，whatdowefind？Civilizations，builtupwithinfinitecare，sweptasideandlost。Beliefsforwhichmenlivedanddied，provedtobemockeries。GreekArtcrushedtothedustbyGothicbludgeons。Dreamsoffraternity，drownedinbloodbyaNapoleon。Whatislefttous，butthehopethattheworkitself，nottheresult，istherealmonument？Maybe，weareaschildren，asking，"Ofwhatusearetheselessons？Whatgoodwilltheyeverbetous？"Buttherecomesadaywhentheladunderstandswhyhelearntgrammarandgeography，whenevendateshaveameaningforhim。Butthisisnotuntilhehasleftschool，andgoneoutintothewiderworld。So，perhaps，whenwearealittlemoregrownup，wetoomaybegintounderstandthereasonforourliving。
　　ONTHECAREANDMANAGEMENTOFWOMEN
　　Italkedtoawomanonceonthesubjectofhoneymoons。Isaid，"Wouldyourecommendalonghoneymoon，oraSaturdaytoMondaysomewhere？"Asilencefelluponher。Igatheredshewaslookingbackratherthanforwardtoheranswer。
　　"Iwouldadvisealonghoneymoon，"sherepliedatlength，"theold-fashionedmonth。"
　　"Why，"Ipersisted，"Ithoughtthetendencyoftheagewastocutthesethingsshorterandshorter。"
　　"Itisthetendencyoftheage，"sheanswered，"toseekescapefrommanythingsitwouldbewisertoface。Ithinkmyselfthat，forgoodorevil，thesooneritisover——thesoonerboththemanandthewomanknow——thebetter。"
　　"Thesoonerwhatisover？"Iasked。
　　Ifshehadafault，thiswoman，aboutwhichIamnotsure，itwasaninclinationtowardsenigma。
　　Shecrossedtothewindowandstoodthere，lookingout。
　　"Wastherenotacustom，"shesaid，stillgazingdownintothewet，glisteningstreet，"amongoneoftheancientpeoples，Iforgetwhich，ordainingthatwhenamanandwoman，lovingoneanother，orthinkingthattheyloved，hadbeenjoinedtogether，theyshouldgodownupontheirweddingnighttothetemple？Andintothedarkrecessesofthetemple，throughmanywindingpassages，thepriestledthemuntiltheycametothegreatchamberwheredweltthevoiceoftheirgod。Therethepriestleftthem，clanging-tothemassivedoorbehindhim，andthere，aloneinsilence，theymadetheirsacrifice；andinthenighttheVoicespoketothem，showingthemtheirfuturelife——whethertheyhadchosenwell；whethertheirlovewouldliveordie。Andinthemorningthepriestreturnedandledthembackintotheday；andtheydweltamongtheirfellows。Butnoonewaspermittedtoquestionthem，northeytoanswershouldanydoso。Well，doyouknow，ournineteenth-centuryhoneymoonatBrighton，Switzerland，orRamsgate，asthechoiceornecessitymaybe，alwaysseemstomemerelyanotherformofthatnightspentaloneinthetemplebeforethealtarofthatforgottengod。Ouryoungmenandwomenmarry，andwekissthemandcongratulatethem；and，standingonthedoorstep，throwriceandoldslippers，andshoutgoodwishesafterthem；andhewaveshisglovedhandtous，andshefluttersherlittlehandkerchieffromthecarriagewindow；andwewatchtheirsmilingfacesandheartheirlaughteruntilthecornerhidesthemfromourview。Thenwegoaboutourownbusiness，andashorttimepassesby；andonedaywemeetthemagain，andtheirfaceshavegrownolderandgraver；andIalwayswonderwhattheVoicehastoldthemduringthatlittlewhilethattheyhavebeenabsentfromoursight。Butofcourseitwouldnotdotoaskthem。
　　Norwouldtheyanswertrulyifwedid。"
　　Myfriendlaughed，and，leavingthewindow，tookherplacebesidethetea-things，andothercallersdroppingin，wefelltotalkofpictures，plays，andpeople。
　　ButIfeltitwouldbeunwisetoactonhersoleadvice，muchasI
　　havealwaysvaluedheropinion。
　　Awomantakeslifetooseriously。Itisaseriousaffairtomostofus，theLordknows。Thatiswhyitiswellnottotakeitmoreseriouslythanneedbe。
　　LittleJackandlittleJillfalldownthehill，hurtingtheirlittleknees，andtheirlittlenoses，spillingthehard-earnedwater。Weareveryphilosophical。
　　"Oh，don’tcry！"wetellthem，"thatisbabyish。Littleboysandlittlegirlsmustlearntobearpain。Upyouget，fillthepailagain，andtryoncemore。"
　　LittleJackandlittleJillrubtheirdirtyknucklesintotheirlittleeyes，lookingruefullyattheirbloodylittleknees，andtrotbackwiththepail。Welaughatthem，butnotill-naturedly。
　　"Poorlittlesouls，"wesay；"howtheydidhullabaloo。Onemighthavethoughttheywerehalf-killed。Anditwasonlyabrokencrown，afterall。Whatafusschildrenmake！"WebearwithmuchstoicismthefalloflittleJackandlittleJill。
　　ButwhenWE——grown-upJackwithmoustacheturninggrey；grown-upJillwiththefirstfaint"crow’sfeet"showing——whenWEtumbledownthehill，andOURpailisspilt。YeHeavens！whatatragedyhashappened。Putoutthestars，turnoffthesun，suspendthelawsofnature。Mr。JackandMrs。Jill，comingdownthehill——whattheyweredoingonthehillwewillnotinquire——haveslippedoverastone，placedtheresurelybytheevilpowersoftheuniverse。Mr。
　　JackandMrs。Jillhavebumpedtheirsillyheads。Mr。JackandMrs。
　　Jillhavehurttheirlittlehearts，andstandmarvellingthattheworldcangoaboutitsbusinessinthefaceofsuchdisaster。
　　Don’ttakethematterquitesoseriously，JackandJill。Youhavespilledyourhappiness，youmusttoilupthehillagainandrefillthepail。Carryitmorecarefullynexttime。Whatwereyoudoing？
　　Playingsomefool’strick，I’llbebound。
　　Alaughandasigh，akissandgood-bye，isourlife。Isitworthsomuchfretting？Itisamerrylifeonthewhole。Courage，comrade。Acampaigncannotbealldrumandfifeandstirrup-cup。
　　Themarchingandthefightingmustcomeintoitsomewhere。Therearepleasantbivouacsamongthevineyards，merrynightsaroundthecampfires。Whitehandswaveawelcometous；brighteyesdimatourgoing。Wouldyourunfromthebattle-music？Whathaveyoutocomplainof？Forward：themedaltosome，thesurgeon’sknifetoothers；toallofus，soonerorlater，sixfeetofmotherearth。
　　Whatareyouafraidof？Courage，comrade。
　　Thereisameanbetweenbaskingthroughlifewiththesmilingcontentmentofthealligator，andshiveringthroughitwiththeaggressivesensibilityoftheLamadeterminedtodieateverycrossword。Tobearitasamanwemustalsofeelitasaman。Myphilosophicfriend，seeknottocomfortabrotherstandingbythecoffinofhischildwiththecheerysuggestionthatitwillbeallthesameahundredyearshence，because，foronething，theobservationisnottrue：themanischangedforalleternity——
　　possiblyforthebetter，butdon’taddthat。Asoldierwithabulletinhisneckisneverquitethemanhewas。Buthecanlaughandhecantalk，drinkhiswineandridehishorse。Nowandagain，towardsevening，whentheweatheristrying，thesicknesswillcomeuponhim。Youwillfindhimonacouchinadarkcorner。
　　"Hallo！oldfellow，anythingup？"
　　"Oh，justatwinge，theoldwound，youknow。Iwillbebetterinalittlewhile。"
　　Shutthedoorofthedarkroomquietly。IshouldnotstayeventosympathizewithhimifIwereyou。Themenwillbecomingtoscrewthecoffindownsoon。Ithinkhewouldliketobealonewithittillthen。Letusleavehim。Hewillcomebacktotheclublateronintheseason。Forawhilewemayhavetogivehimanothertenpointsorso，buthewillsoongetbackhisoldform。Nowandagain，whenhemeetstheotherfellows’boysshoutingonthetowing-path；whenBrownrushesupthedrive，paperinhand，totellhimhowthatyoungscapegraceJimhaswonhisCross；whenheiscongratulatingJones’seldestonhavingpassedwithhonours，theoldwoundmaygivehimanastytwinge。Butthepainwillpassaway。Hewilllaughatourstoriesandtellushisown；eathisdinner，playhisrubber。Itisonlyawound。
　　Tommycanneverbeours，Jennydoesnotloveus。Wecannotaffordclaret，sowewillhavetodrinkbeer。Well，whatwouldyouhaveusdo？Yes，letuscurseFatebyallmeans——someonetocurseisalwaysuseful。Letuscryandwringourhands——forhowlong？Thedinner-bellwillringsoon，andtheSmithsarecoming。Weshallhavetotalkabouttheoperaandthepicture-galleries。Quick，whereistheeau-de-Cologne？wherearethecurling-tongs？Orwouldyouwecommittedsuicide？Isitworthwhile？Onlyafewmoreyears——perhapsto-morrow，byaidofapieceoforangepeelorabrokenchimney-pot——andFatewillsaveusallthattrouble。
　　Orshallwe，assulkychildren，mopedayafterday？Weareabroken-heartedlittleJack——littleJill。Wewillneversmileagain；
　　wewillpineawayanddie，andbeburiedinthespring。Theworldissad，andlifesocruel，andheavensocold。Ohdear！ohdear！wehavehurtourselves。
　　Wewhimperandwhineateverypain。Inoldstrongdaysmenfacedrealdangers，realtroubleseveryhour；theyhadnotimetocry。
　　Deathanddisasterstoodeveratthedoor。Menwerecontemptuousofthem。Nowineachsnugprotectedvillawesettoworktomakewoundsoutofscratches。Everyhead-achebecomesanagony，everyheart-acheatragedy。Ittookamurderedfather，adrownedsweetheart，adishonouredmother，aghost，andaslaughteredPrimeMinistertoproducetheemotionsinHamletthatamodernminorpoetobtainsfromachorusgirl’sfrown，oratemporaryslumpontheStockExchange。LikeMrs。Gummidge，wefeelitmore。Thelighterandeasierlifegetsthemoreseriouslywegoouttomeetit。TheboatmenofUlyssesfacedthethunderandthesunshinealikewithfrolicwelcome。Wemodernsailorshavegrownmoresensitive。Thesunshinescorchesus，therainchillsus。Wemeetbothwithloudself-pity。
　　Thinkingthesethoughts，Isoughtasecondfriend——amanwhosebreezycommon-sensehasoftenhelpedme，andhimlikewiseI
　　questionedonthissubjectofhoneymoons。
　　"Mydearboy，"hereplied；"takemyadvice，ifeveryougetmarried，arrangeitsothatthehoneymoonshallonlylastaweek，andletitbeabustlingweekintothebargain。TakeaCook’scirculartour。
　　GetmarriedontheSaturdaymorning，cutthebreakfastandallthatfoolishness，andcatchtheeleven-tenfromCharingCrosstoParis。
　　TakeheruptheEiffelToweronSunday。LunchatFontainebleau。
　　DineattheMaisonDoree，andshowhertheMoulinRougeintheevening。TakethenighttrainforLucerne。DevoteMondayandTuesdaytodoingSwitzerland，andgetintoRomebyThursdaymorning，takingtheItalianlakesenroute。OnFridaycrosstoMarseilles，andfromtherepushalongtoMonteCarlo。Letherhaveaflutteratthetables。StartearlySaturdaymorningforSpain，crossthePyreneesonmules，andrestatBordeauxonSunday。GetbacktoParisonMonday（Mondayisalwaysagooddayfortheopera），andonTuesdayeveningyouwillbeathome，andgladtogetthere。Don’tgivehertimetocriticizeyouuntilshehasgotusedtoyou。Nomanwillbearunprotectedexposuretoayounggirl’seyes。Thehoneymoonisthematrimonialmicroscope。Wobbleit。Confuseitwithmanyobjects。Clouditwithotherinterests。Don’tsitstilltobeexamined。Besides，rememberthatamanalwaysappearsathisbestwhenactive，andawomanatherworst。Bustleher，mydearboy，bustleher：Idon’tcarewhoshemaybe。Giveherplentyofluggagetolookafter；makehercatchtrains。Letherseetheaveragehusbandsprawlingcomfortablyovertherailwaycushions，whilehiswifehastositboltuprightinthecornerlefttoher。
　　Letherhearhowothermenswear。Lethersmellothermen’stobacco。Hurryup，andgetheraccustomedquicklytothesightofmankind。Thenshewillbelesssurprisedandshockedasshegrowstoknowyou。OneofthebestfellowsIeverknewspoilthismarriedlifebeyondrepairbyalongquiethoneymoon。Theywentoffforamonthtoalonelycottageinsomeheaven-forsakenspot，whereneverasoulcamenearthem，andneverathinghappenedbutmorning，afternoon，andnight。Thereforthirtydayssheoverhauledhim。
　　Whenheyawned——andheyawnedprettyoften，Iguess，duringthatmonth——shethoughtofthesizeofhismouth，andwhenheputhisheelsuponthefendershesatandbroodedupontheshapeofhisfeet。Atmeal-time，notfeelinghungryherself，havingnothingtodotomakeherhungry，shewouldoccupyherselfwithwatchinghimeat；andatnight，notfeelingsleepyforthesamereason，shewouldlieawakeandlistentohissnoring。Afterthefirstdayortwohegrewtiredoftalkingnonsense，andsheoflisteningtoit（itsoundednonsensenowtheycouldspeakitaloud；theyhadfancieditpoetrywhentheyhadhadtowhisperit）；andhavingnoothersubject，asyet，ofcommoninterest，theywouldsitandstareinfrontoftheminsilence。Onedaysometrifleirritatedhimandheswore。Onabusyrailwayplatform，orinacrowdedhotel，shewouldhavesaid，’Oh！’andtheywouldbothhavelaughed。Fromthatechoingdesertthesillywordsroseupinwideningcirclestowardsthesky，andthatnightshecriedherselftosleep。Bustlethem，mydearboy，bustlethem。Wealllikeeachotherbetterthelesswethinkaboutoneanother，andthehoneymoonisanexceptionallycriticaltime。Bustleher，mydearboy，bustleher。"
　　MyveryworsthoneymoonexperiencetookplaceintheSouthofEnglandineighteenhundredand——well，nevermindtheexactdate，letussayafewyearsago。Iwasashyyoungmanatthattime。
　　Manycomplainofmyreservetothisday，butthensomegirlsexpecttoomuchfromaman。Weallhaveourshortcomings。Eventhen，however，Iwasnotsoshyasshe。WehadtotravelfromLyndhurstintheNewForesttoVentnor，anawkwardbitofcross-countryworkinthosedays。
　　"It’ssofortunateyouaregoingtoo，"saidheraunttomeontheTuesday；"Minnieisalwaysnervoustravellingalone。Youwillbeabletolookafterher，andIshan’tbeanxious。
　　Isaiditwouldbeapleasure，andatthetimeIhonestlythoughtit。OntheWednesdayIwentdowntothecoachoffice，andbookedtwoplacesforLymington，fromwherewetookthesteamer。Ihadnotasuspicionoftrouble。
　　Thebooking-clerkwasanelderlyman。Hesaid——
　　"I’vegottheboxseat，andtheendplaceonthebackbench。"
　　Isaid——
　　"Oh，can’tIhavetwotogether？"
　　Hewasakindly-lookingoldfellow。Hewinkedatme。Iwonderedallthewayhomewhyhehadwinkedatme。Hesaid——
　　"I’llmanageitsomehow。"
　　Isaid——
　　"It’sverykindofyou，I’msure。
　　Helaidhishandonmyshoulder。Hestruckmeasfamiliar，butwell-intentioned。Hesaid——
　　"Wehaveallofusbeenthere。"
　　IthoughthewasalludingtotheIsleofWight。Isaid——
　　"Andthisisthebesttimeoftheyearforit，soI’mtold。"Itwasearlysummertime。
　　Hesaid——"It’sallrightinsummer，andit’sgoodenoughinwinter——
　　WHILEITLASTS。Youmakethemostofit，young’un；"andheslappedmeonthebackandlaughed。
　　Hewouldhaveirritatedmeinanotherminute。Ipaidfortheseatsandlefthim。
　　Athalf-pasteightthenextmorningMinnieandIstartedforthecoach-office。IcallherMinnie，notwithanywishtobeimpertinent，butbecauseIhaveforgottenhersurname。ItmustbetenyearssinceIlastsawher。Shewasaprettygirl，too，withthosebrowneyesthatalwayscloudbeforetheylaugh。Herauntdidnotdrivedownwithusasshehadintended，inconsequenceofaheadache。Shewasgoodenoughtosayshefelteveryconfidenceinme。
　　Theoldbooking-clerkcaughtsightofuswhenwewereaboutaquarterofamileaway，anddrewtoustheattentionofthecoachman，whocommunicatedthefactofourapproachtothegatheredpassengers。Everybodyleftofftalking，andwaitedforus。Thebootsseizedhishorn，andblew——onecouldhardlycallitablast；
　　itwouldbedifficulttosaywhatheblew。Heputhisheartintoit，butnotsufficientwind。Ithinkhisintentionwastowelcomeus，butitsuggestedratherafeeblecurse。Welearntsubsequentlythathewasabeginnerontheinstrument。
　　Insomemysteriouswaythewholeaffairappearedtobeourparty。
　　Thebooking-clerkbustledupandhelpedMinniefromthecart。I
　　feared，foramoment，hewasgoingtokissher。ThecoachmangrinnedwhenIsaidgood-morningtohim。Thepassengersgrinned，thebootsgrinned。Twochamber-maidsandawaitercameoutfromthehotel，andtheygrinned。IdrewMinnieaside，andwhisperedtoher。
　　Isaid——
　　"There’ssomethingfunnyaboutus。Allthesepeoplearegrinning。"
　　Shewalkedroundme，andIwalkedroundher，butwecouldneitherofusdiscoveranythingamusingabouttheother。Thebooking-clerksaid——
　　"It’sallright。I’vegotyouyoungpeopletwoplacesjustbehindthebox-seat。We’llhavetoputfiveofyouonthatseat。Youwon’tmindsittingabitclose，willyou？"
　　Thebooking-clerkwinkedatthecoachman，thecoachmanwinkedatthepassengers，thepassengerswinkedatoneanother——thoseofthemwhocouldwink——andeverybodylaughed。Thetwochamber-maidsbecamehysterical，andhadtoclingtoeachotherforsupport。WiththeexceptionofMinnieandmyself，itseemedtobethemerriestcoachpartyeverassembledatLyndhurst。
　　Wehadtakenourplaces，andIwasstillbusytryingtofathomthejoke，whenastoutladyappearedonthescene，anddemandedtoknowherplace。
　　Theclerkexplainedtoherthatitwasinthemiddlebehindthedriver。
　　"We’vehadtoputfiveofyouonthatseat，"addedtheclerk。
　　Thestoutladylookedattheseat。
　　"Fiveofuscan’tsqueezeintothat，"shesaid。
　　Fiveofhercertainlycouldnot。Fourordinarysizedpeoplewithherwouldfindittight。
　　"Verywellthen，"saidtheclerk，"youcanhavetheendplaceonthebackseat。"
　　"Nothingofthesort，"saidthestoutlady。"IbookedmyseatonMonday，andyoutoldmeanyofthefrontplaceswerevacant。
　　"I’LLtakethebackplace，"Isaid，"Idon’tmindit。
　　"Youstopwhereyouare，young’un，"saidtheclerk，firmly，"anddon’tbeafool。I’llfixHER。"
　　Iobjectedtohislanguage，buthistonewaskindnessitself。
　　"Oh，letMEhavethebackseat，"saidMinnie，rising，"I’dsolikeit。"
　　Foranswerthecoachmanputbothhishandsonhershoulders。Hewasaheavyman，andshesatdownagain。
　　"Nowthen，mum，"saidtheclerk，addressingthestoutlady，"areyougoingupthereinthemiddle，orareyoucominguphereattheback？"
　　"Butwhynotletoneofthemtakethebackseat？"demandedthestoutlady，pointingherreticuleatMinnieandmyself；"theysaythey’dlikeit。Letthemhaveit。"
　　Thecoachmanrose，andaddressedhisremarksgenerally。
　　"Putherupattheback，orleaveherbehind，"hedirected。"ManandwifehaveneverbeenseparatedonthiscoachsinceIstartedrunningitfifteenyearago，andtheyain’tgoingtobenow。"
　　Ageneralcheergreetedthissentiment。Thestoutlady，nowregardedasawould-beblighteroflove’syoungdream，washustledintothebackseat，thewhipcracked，andawaywerolled。
　　Soherewastheexplanation。Wewereinahoneymoondistrict，inJune——themostpopularmonthinthewholeyearformarriage。EverytwooutofthreecouplesfoundwanderingabouttheNewForestinJunearehoneymooncouples；thethirdaregoingtobe。WhentheytravelanywhereitistotheIsleofWight。Webothhadonnewclothes。Ourbagshappenedtobenew。Bysomeevilchanceourveryumbrellaswerenew。Ourunitedageswerethirty-seven。ThewonderwouldhavebeenhadweNOTbeenmistakenforayoungmarriedcouple。
　　AdayofgreatermiseryIhaverarelypassed。ToMinnie，soherauntinformedmeafterwards，thejourneywasthemostterribleexperienceofherlife，butthenherexperience，uptothattime，hadbeenlimited。Shewasengaged，anddevotedlyattached，toayoungclergyman；IwasmadlyinlovewithasomewhatplumpgirlnamedCeciliawholivedwithhermotheratHampstead。IampositiveastoherlivingatHampstead。IremembersodistinctlymyweeklywalkdownthehillfromChurchRowtotheSwissCottagestation。
　　Whenwalkingdownasteephillalltheweightofthebodyisforcedintothetoeoftheboot，andwhenthebootistwosizestoosmallforyou，andyouhavebeenlivinginitsincetheearlyafternoon，yourememberathinglikethat。ButallmyrecollectionsofCeciliaarepainful，anditisneedlesstopursuethem。
　　Ourcoach-loadwasahomelyparty，andsomeofthejokeswerebroad——harmlessenoughinthemselves，hadMinnieandIreallybeenthemarriedcoupleweweresupposedtobe，buteveninthatcaseunnecessary。IcanonlyhopethatMinniedidnotunderstandthem。
　　Anyhow，shelookedasifshedidn’t。
　　Iforgetwherewestoppedforlunch，butIrememberthatlambandmintsaucewasonthetable，andthatthecircumstanceaffordedthegreatestdelighttoalltheparty，withtheexceptionofthestoutlady，whowasstillindignant，Minnieandmyself。Aboutmybehaviourasabridegroomopinionappearedtobedivided。"He’sabitstandoffishwithher，"Ioverheardoneladyremarktoherhusband；"Iliketosee’emabitkittenishmyself。"Ayoungwaitress，ontheotherhand，Iamhappytosay，showedmoresenseofnaturalreserve。"Well，Irespecthimforit，"shewassayingtothebarmaid，aswepassedthroughthehall；"I’djusthatetobefuzzledoverwitheverybodylookingon。"Nobodytookthetroubletodroptheirvoicesforourbenefit。Wemighthavebeenapairofprizelovebirdsonexhibition，thewaywewereopenlydiscussed。
　　Bythemajoritywewereclearlyregardedasasulkyyoungcouplewhowouldnotgothroughtheirtricks。
　　Ihaveoftenwonderedsincehowarealmarriedcouplewouldhavefacedthesituation。Possibly，hadweconsentedtogiveashortdisplayofmaritalaffection，"bydesire，"wemighthavebeenleftinpeacefortheremainderofthejourney。
　　Ourreputationprecededusontothesteamboat。Minniebeggedandprayedmetoletitbeknownwewerenotmarried。HowIwastoletitbeknown，exceptbyrequestingthecaptaintosummonthewholeship’scompanyondeck，andthenmakingthemashortspeech，Icouldnotthink。Minniesaidshecouldnotbearitanylonger，andretiredtotheladies’cabin。Shewentoffcrying。Hertroublewasattributedbycrewandpassengerstomycoldness。Onefoolplantedhimselfoppositemewithhislegsapart，andshookhisheadatme。
　　"Godownandcomforther，"hebegan。"Takeanoldman’sadvice。
　　Putyourarmsaroundher。"（Hewasoneofthosesentimentalidiots。）"Tellherthatyouloveher。"
　　Itoldhimtogoandhanghimself，withsomuchvigourthatheallbutfelloverboard。Hewassavedbyapoultrycrate：Ihadnoluckthatday。
　　AtRydetheguard，bysuperhumaneffort，contrivedtokeepusacarriagetoourselves。Igavehimashilling，becauseIdidnotknowwhatelsetodo。Iwouldhavemadeithalf-a-sovereignifhehadputeightotherpassengersinwithus。Ateverystationpeoplecametothewindowtolookinatus。
　　IhandedMinnieovertoherfatheronVentnorplatform；andItookthefirsttrainthenextmorning，toLondon。IfeltIdidnotwanttoseeheragainforalittlewhile；andIfeltconvincedshecoulddowithoutavisitfromme。Ournextmeetingtookplacetheweekbeforehermarriage。
　　"Whereareyougoingtospendyourhoneymoon？"Iaskedher；"intheNewForest？"
　　"No，"shereplied；"norintheIsleofWight。"
　　Toenjoythehumourofanincidentonemustbeatsomedistancefromiteitherintimeorrelationship。IrememberwatchinganamusingsceneinWhitefieldStreet，justoffTottenhamCourtRoad，onewinter’sSaturdaynight。Awoman——aratherrespectablelookingwoman，hadherhatonlybeenonstraight——hadjustbeenshotoutofapublic-house。Shewasverydignified，andverydrunk。A
　　policemanrequestedhertomoveon。Shecalledhim"Fellow，"anddemandedtoknowofhimifheconsideredthatwasthepropertoneinwhichtoaddressalady。Shethreatenedtoreporthimtohercousin，theLordChancellor。
　　"Yes；thiswaytotheLordChancellor，"retortedthepoliceman。
　　"Youcomealongwithme；"andhecaughtholdofherbythearm。
　　Shegavealurch，andnearlyfell。Tosaveherthemanputhisarmroundherwaist。Sheclaspedhimroundtheneck，andtogethertheyspunroundtwoorthreetimes；whileattheverymomentapiano-
　　organattheoppositecornerstruckupawaltz。
　　"Chooseyourpartners，gentlemen，forthenextdance，"shoutedawag，andthecrowdroared。
　　Iwaslaughingmyself，forthesituationwasundeniablycomical，theconstable’sexpressionofdisgustbeingquiteHogarthian，whenthesightofachild’sfacebeneaththegas-lampstayedme。HerlookwassofullofterrorthatItriedtocomforther。
　　"It’sonlyadrunkenwoman，"Isaid；"he’snotgoingtohurther。"
　　"Please，sir，"wastheanswer，"it’smymother。"
　　Ourjokeisgenerallyanother’spain。Themanwhositsdownonthetin-tackrarelyjoinsinthelaughONTHEMINDINGOFOTHERPEOPLE’SBUSINESS
　　IwalkedonebrightSeptembermorningintheStrand。IloveLondonbestintheautumn。Thenonlycanoneseethegleamofitswhitepavements，thebold，unbrokenoutlineofitsstreets。Ilovethecoolvistasonecomesacrossofmorningsintheparks，thesofttwilightsthatlingerintheemptybye-streets。InJunetherestaurantmanagerisoff-handwithme；IfeelIambutinhisway。
　　InAugusthespreadsformethetablebythewindow，poursoutformemywinewithhisownfathands。Icannotdoubthisregardforme：myfoolishjealousiesarestilled。DoIcareforadriveafterdinnerthroughthecaressingnightair，Icanclimbtheomnibusstairwithoutapreliminaryfightuponthecurb，cansitwitheasyconscienceandunsquashedbody，notfeelingIhavedeprivedsomehot，tiredwomanofaseat。DoIdesiretheplay，noharsh，forbidding"Housefull"boardrepelsmefromthedoor。Duringherseason，London，aharassedhostess，hasnotimeforus，herintimates。Herroomsareovercrowded，herservantsoverworked，herdinnershurriedlycooked，hertoneinsincere。Inthespring，tobetruthful，thegreatladycondescendstobesomewhatvulgar——noisyandostentatious。Nottilltheguestsaredepartedissheherselfagain，theLondonthatwe，herchildren，love。
　　Haveyou，gentleReader，everseenLondon——nottheLondonofthewakingday，coatedwithcrawlinglife，asablossomwithblight，buttheLondonofthemorning，freedfromherrags，thepatientcity，cladinmists？GetyouupwiththedawnoneSundayinsummertime。
　　Wakenoneelse，butcreepdownstealthilyintothekitchen，andmakeyourownteaandtoast。
　　Becarefulyoustumblenotoverthecat。Shewillwormherselfinsidiouslybetweenyourlegs。Itisherway；shemeansitinfriendship。Neitherbarkyourshinsagainstthecoal-box。Whythekitchencoal-boxhasitsfixedplaceinthedirectlinebetweenthekitchendoorandthegas-bracketIcannotsay。Imerelyknowitasanuniversallaw；andIwouldthatyouescapedthatcoal-box，lesttheframeofmindIdesireforyouonthisSabbathmorningbedissipated。
　　Aspoontostiryourtea，Ifearyoumustdispensewith。Knivesandforksyouwilldiscoverinplenty；blackingbrushesyouwillputyourhanduponineverydrawer；ofemerypaper，didonerequireit，therearereams；butitisapointwitheveryhousekeeperthatthespoonsbehiddeninadifferentplaceeachnight。Ifanybodyexceptingherselfcanfindtheminthemorning，itisasluruponher。Nomatter，astickoffirewood，sharpenedatoneend，makesanexcellentsubstitute。
　　Yourbreakfastdone，turnoutthegas，remountthestairsquietly，opengentlythefrontdoorandslipout。Youwillfindyourselfinanunknownland。Astrangecitygrownroundyouinthenight。
　　Thesweetlongstreetsliesilentinsunlight。NotalivingthingistobeseensavesomeleanTomthatslinksfromhisgutterfeastasyouapproach。Fromsometreetherewillsoundperhapsafretfulchirp：buttheLondonsparrowisnoearlyriser；heisbuttalkinginhissleep。Theslowtrampofunseenpolicemandrawsnearordiesaway。Theclatterofyourownfootstepsgoeswithyou，troublingyou。Youfindyourselftryingtowalksoftly，asonedoesinechoingcathedrals。Avoiceiseverywhereaboutyouwhisperingtoyou"Hush。"Isthismillion-breastedCitythensometenderArtemis，seekingtokeepherbabesasleep？"Hush，youcarelesswayfarer；donotwakenthem。Walklighter；theyaresotired，thesemyriadchildrenofmine，sleepinginmythousandarms。Theyareover-workedandover-worried；somanyofthemaresick，somanyfretful，manyofthem，alas，sofullofnaughtiness。Butallofthemsotired。Hush！theyworrymewiththeirnoiseandriotwhentheyareawake。Theyaresogoodnowtheyareasleep。Walklightly，letthemrest。"
　　Wheretheebbingtideflowssoftlythroughwornarchestothesea，youmayhearthestone-facedCitytalkingtotherestlesswaters：
　　"Whywillyouneverstaywithme？Whycomebuttogo？"
　　"Icannotsay，Idonotunderstand。FromthedeepseaIcome，butonlyasabirdloosedfromachild’shandwithacord。WhenshecallsImustreturn。"
　　"Itissowiththesechildrenofmine。Theycometome，Iknownotwhence。Inursethemforalittlewhile，tillahandIdonotseeplucksthemback。Andotherstaketheirplace。"
　　Throughthestillairtherepassesarippleofsound。ThesleepingCitystirswithafaintsigh。Adistantmilk-cartrattlingbyraisesathousandechoes；itisthevanguardofayokedarmy。Soonfromeverystreetthererisesthesoothingcry，"Mee’hilk——mee’hilk。"
　　LondonlikesomeGargantuanbabe，isawake，cryingforitsmilk。
　　Thesebethewhite-smockednurseshasteningwithitsmorningnourishment。Theearlychurchbellsring。"Youhavehadyourmilk，littleLondon。Nowcomeandsayyourprayers。Anotherweekhasjustbegun，babyLondon。Godknowswhatwillhappen，sayyourprayers。"
　　Onebyonethelittlecreaturescreepfrombehindtheblindsintothestreets。ThebroodingtendernessisvanishedfromtheCity’sface。Thefretfulnoisesofthedayhavecomeagain。Silence，herloverofthenight，kissesherstonelips，andstealsaway。Andyou，gentleReader，returnhome，garlandedwiththeself-sufficiencyoftheearlyriser。
　　Butitwasofacertainweek-daymorning，intheStrandthatIwasthinking。IwasstandingoutsideGatti’sRestaurant，whereIhadjustbreakfasted，listeningleisurelytoanargumentbetweenanindignantladypassenger，presumablyofIrishextraction，andanomnibusconductor。
　　"Forwhatd’yewantthintopaintPutneyonye’rbus，ifyedon’tGO
　　toPutney？"saidthe，lady。
　　"WeDOgotoPutney，"saidtheconductor。
　　"Thinwhydidyeputmeouthere？"
　　"Ididn’tputyouout，yergotout。"
　　"Shure，didn’tthegintlemaninthecornertellmeIwascomin’
　　furtherawayfromPutneyiveryminit？"
　　"Wal，andsoyerwas。"
　　"Thinwhoydidn’tyoutellme？"
　　"HowwasItoknowyerwantedtogotoPutney？YersingsoutPutney，andIstopsandinyerjumps。"
　　"Andforwhatd’yethinkIcalledoutPutneythin？"
　　"’Causeit’smyname，orraytherthebus’sname。This’ereISaPutney。"
　　"HowcanitbeaPutneywhinitisn’tgoin’toPutney，yegomerhawk？"
　　"Ain’tyouanHirishwoman？"retortedtheconductor。"Courseyerare。Butyeraren’talwaysgoin’toIreland。We’regoin’toPutneyintime，onlywe’rea-goingtoLiverpoolStreetfust。’Igherup，Jim。"
　　Thebusmovedon，andIwasaboutcrosstheroad，whenaman，mutteringsavagelytohimself，walkedintome。HewouldhavesweptpastmehadInot，recognizinghim，arrestedhim。ItwasmyfriendB————-，abusyeditorofmagazinesandjournals。Itwassomesecondsbeforeheappearedabletostruggleoutofhisabstraction，andrememberhimself。"Halloo，"hethensaid，"whowouldhavethoughtofseeingYOUhere？"
　　"Tojudgebythewayyouwerewalking，"Ireplied，"onewouldimaginetheStrandthelastplaceinwhichyouexpectedtoseeanyhumanbeing。Doyoueverwalkintoashort-tempered，muscularman？"
　　"DidIwalkintoyou？"heaskedsurprised。