"Well，notrightin，"Ianswered，"Iifwearetobeliteral。Youwalkedontome；ifIhadnotstoppedyou，Isupposeyouwouldhavewalkedoverme。"
　　"ItisthisconfoundedChristmasbusiness，"heexplained。"Itdrivesmeoffmyhead。"
　　"IhaveheardChristmasadvancedasanexcuseformanythings，"I
　　replied，"butnotearlyinSeptember。"
　　"Oh，youknowwhatImean，"heanswered，"weareinthemiddleofourChristmasnumber。Iamworkingdayandnightuponit。Bythebye，"headded，"thatputsmeinmind。Iamarrangingasymposium，andIwantyoutojoin。’ShouldChristmas，’"——Iinterruptedhim。
　　"Mydearfellow，"Isaid，"IcommencedmyjournalisticcareerwhenI
　　waseighteen，andIhavecontinueditatintervalseversince。I
　　havewrittenaboutChristmasfromthesentimentalpointofview；I
　　haveanalyzeditfromthephilosophicalpointofview；andIhavescarifieditfromthesarcasticstandpoint。IhavetreatedChristmashumorouslyfortheComics，andsympatheticallyfortheProvincialWeeklies。IhavesaidallthatisworthsayingonthesubjectofChristmas——maybeatriflemore。Ihavetoldthenew-fashionedChristmasstory——youknowthesortofthing：yourheroinetriestounderstandherself，and，failing，runsoffwiththemanwhobeganasthehero；yourgoodwomanturnsouttobereallybadwhenonecomestoknowher；whilethevillain，theonlydecentpersoninthestory，dieswithanenigmaticsentenceonhislipsthatlooksasifitmeantsomething，butwhichyouyourselfwouldbesorrytohavetoexplain。Ihavealsowrittentheold-fashionedChristmasstory——youknowthatalso：youbeginwithagoodold-fashionedsnowstorm；youhaveagoodold-fashionedsquire，andhelivesinagoodold-fashionedHall；youworkinagoodold-fashionedmurder；andendupwithagoodold-fashionedChristmasdinner。IhavegatheredChristmasgueststogetherroundthecracklinglogstotellghoststoriestoeachotheronChristmasEve，whilewithoutthewindhowled，asitalwaysdoesontheseoccasions，atitspropercue。IhavesentchildrentoHeavenonChristmasEve——itmustbequiteabusytimeforSt。Peter，Christmasmorning，somanygoodchildrendieonChristmasEve。Ithasalwaysbeenapopularnightwiththem。——Ihaverevivifieddeadloversandbroughtthembackwellandjolly，justintimetositdowntotheChristmasdinner。Iamnotashamedofhavingdonethesethings。AtthetimeIthoughtthemgood。Ioncelovedcurrantwineandgirlswithtowzleyhair。One’sviewschangeasonegrowsolder。IhavediscussedChristmasasareligiousfestival。Ihavearraigneditasasocialincubus。IftherebeanyjokeconnectedwithChristmasthatIhavenotalreadymadeIshouldbegladtohearit。Ihavetrottedouttheindigestionjokestillthesightofoneofthemgivesmeindigestionmyself。Ihaveridiculedthefamilygathering。
　　IhavescoffedattheChristmaspresent。Ihavemadewittyuseofpaterfamiliasandhisbills。Ihave——"
　　"DidIevershowyou，"IbrokeofftoaskaswewerecrossingtheHaymarket，"thatlittleparodyofmineonPoe’spoemof’TheBells’？
　　Itbegins——"Heinterruptedmeinhisturn——
　　"Bills，bills，bills，"herepeated。
　　"Youarequiteright，"Iadmitted。"IforgotIevershowedittoyou。"
　　"Youneverdid，"hereplied。
　　"Thenhowdoyouknowhowitbegins？"Iasked。
　　"Idon’tknowforcertain，"headmitted，"butIget，onanaverage，sixty-fiveayearsubmittedtome，andtheyallbeginthatway。I
　　thought，perhaps，yoursdidalso。"
　　"Idon’tseehowelseitcouldbegin，"Iretorted。Hehadratherannoyedme。"Besides，itdoesn’tmatterhowapoembegins，itishowitgoesonthatistheimportantthingandanyhow，I’mnotgoingtowriteyouanythingaboutChristmas。Askmetomakeyouanewjokeaboutaplumber；suggestmyinventingsomethingoriginalandnottooshockingforachildtosayaboutheaven；proposemyrunningyouoffadogstorythatcanbebelievedbyamanofaveragedeterminationandwemaycometoterms。ButonthesubjectofChristmasIamtakingarest。"
　　BythistimewehadreachedPiccadillyCircus。
　　"Idon’tblameyou，"hesaid，"ifyouareassickofthesubjectasIam。SosoonastheseChristmasnumbersareoffmymind，andChristmasisovertillnextJuneattheoffice，Ishallbeginitathome。Thehousekeepingisgoneupapoundaweekalready。Iknowwhatthatmeans。ThedearlittlewomanissavinguptogivemeanexpensivepresentthatIdon’twant。IthinkthepresentsaretheworstpartofChristmas。Emmawillgivemeawater-colourthatshehaspaintedherself。Shealwaysdoes。Therewouldbenoharminthatifshedidnotexpectmetohangitinthedrawingroom。HaveyoueverseenmycousinEmma’swater-colours？"heasked。
　　"IthinkIhave，"Ireplied。
　　"There’snothinkingaboutit，"heretortedangrily。"They’renotthesortofwater-coloursyouforget。"
　　HeapostrophizedtheCircusgenerally。
　　"Whydopeopledothesethings？"hedemanded。"EvenanamateurartistmusthaveSOMEsense。Can’ttheyseewhatishappening？
　　There’sthatthingofhershanginginthepassage。Iputitinthepassagebecausethere’snotmuchlightinthepassage。She’slabelleditReverie。IfshehadcalleditInfluenzaIcouldhaveunderstoodit。Iaskedherwhereshegottheideafrom，andshesaidshesawtheskylikethatoneeveninginNorfolk。GreatHeavens！thenwhydidn’tsheshuthereyesorgohomeandhidebehindthebed-curtains？IfIhadseenaskylikethatinNorfolkI
　　shouldhavetakenthefirsttrainbacktoLondon。Isupposethepoorgirlcan’thelpseeingthesethings，butwhypaintthem？"
　　Isaid，"Isupposepaintingisanecessitytosomenatures。"
　　"Butwhygivethethingstome？"hepleaded。
　　Icouldofferhimnoadequatereason。
　　"Theidioticpresentsthatpeoplegiveyou！"hecontinued。"IsaidI’dlikeTennyson’spoemsoneyear。TheyhadworriedmetoknowwhatIdidwant。Ididn’twantanythingreally；thatwastheonlythingIcouldthinkofthatIwasn’tdeadsureIdidn’twant。Well，theyclubbedtogether，fourofthem，andgavemeTennysonintwelvevolumes，illustratedwithcolouredphotographs。Theymeantkindly，ofcourse。Ifyousuggestatobacco-pouchtheygiveyouabluevelvetbagcapableofholdingaboutapound，embroideredwithflowers，life-size。Theonlywayonecoulduseitwouldbetoputastraptoitandwearitasasatchel。Wouldyoubelieveit，Ihavegotavelvetsmoking-jacket，ornamentedwithforget-me-notsandbutterfliesincolouredsilk；I’mnotjoking。AndtheyaskmewhyI
　　neverwearit。I’llbringitdowntotheCluboneofthesenightsandwaketheplaceupabit：itneedsit。"
　　Wehadarrivedbythisatthestepsofthe’Devonshire。’
　　"AndI’mjustasbad，"hewenton，"whenIgivepresents。Inevergivethemwhattheywant。Ineverhituponanythingthatisofanyusetoanybody。IfIgiveJaneachinchillatippet，youmaybecertainchinchillaisthemostout-of-datefurthatanywomancouldwear。’Oh！thatisniceofyou，’shesays；’nowthatisjusttheverythingIwanted。Iwillkeepitbymetillchinchillacomesinagain。’Igivethegirlswatch-chainswhennobodyiswearingwatch-chains。Whenwatch-chainsarealltherageIgivethemear-rings，andtheythankme，andsuggestmytakingthemtoafancy-dressball，thatbeingtheironlychancetoweartheconfoundedthings。Iwastemoneyonwhitegloveswithblackbacks，tofindthatwhitegloveswithblackbacksstampawomanassuburban。Ibelievealltheshop-keepersinLondonsavetheiroldstocktopalmitoffonmeatChristmastime。Andwhydoesitalwaystakehalf-a-dozenpeopletoserveyouwithapairofgloves，I’dliketoknow？OnlylastweekJaneaskedmetogethersomeglovesforthatlastMansionHouseaffair。Iwasfeelingamiable，andIthoughtIwoulddothethinghandsomely。Ihategoingintoadraper’sshop；everybodystaresatamanasifhewereforcinghiswayintotheladies’departmentofaTurkishbath。Oneofthosemarionettesortofmencameuptomeandsaiditwasafinemorning。
　　WhatthedevildidIwanttotalkaboutthemorningtohimfor？I
　　saidIwantedsomegloves。Idescribedthemtothebestofmyrecollection。Isaid，’Iwantthemfourbuttons，buttheyarenottobebutton-gloves；thebuttonsareinthemiddleandtheyreachuptotheelbow，ifyouknowwhatImean。’Hebowed，andsaidheunderstoodexactlywhatImeant，whichwasadamnedsightmorethanIdid。ItoldhimIwantedthreepaircreamandthreepairfawn-coloured，andthefawn-colouredweretobeswedes。Hecorrectedme。HesaidImeant’Suede。’Idaresayhewasright，buttheinterruptionputmeoff，andIhadtobeginoveragain。HelistenedattentivelyuntilIhadfinished。IguessIwasaboutfiveminutesstandingwithhimthereclosetothedoor。Hesaid，’Isthatallyourequire，sir，thismorning？’Isaiditwas。
　　"’Thankyou，sir，’hereplied。’Thisway，please，sir。’
　　"Hetookmeintoanotherroom，andtherewemetamannamedJansen，towhomhebrieflyintroducedmeasagentlemanwho’desiredgloves。’’Yes，sir，’saidMr。Jansen；andwhatsortofglovesdoyoudesire？’
　　"ItoldhimIwantedsixpairsaltogether——threesuede，fawn-coloured，andthreecream-coloured——kids。
　　"Hesaid，’Doyoumeankidgloves，sir，orglovesforchildren？’
　　"Hemademeangrybythat。ItoldhimIwasnotinthehabitofusingslang。NoramIwhenbuyinggloves。Hesaidhewassorry。I
　　explainedtohimaboutthebuttons，sofarasIcouldunderstanditmyself，andaboutthelength。Iaskedhimtoseetoitthatthebuttonsweresewnonfirmly，andthatthestitchingeverywherewasperfect，addingthatthelastglovesmywifehadhadofhisfirmhadbeenmostunsatisfactory。Janehadimpresseduponmetoaddthat。
　　Shesaiditwouldmakethemmorecareful。
　　"Helistenedtomeinraptecstacy。Imighthavebeenmusic。
　　"’Andwhatsize，sir？’heasked。
　　"Ihadforgottenthat。’Oh，sixes，’Ianswered，’unlesstheyareverystretchyindeed，inwhichcasetheyhadbetterbefiveandthree-quarter。’
　　"’Oh，andthestitchingonthecreamistobeblack，’Iadded。ThatwasanotherthingIhadforgotten。
　　"’Thankyouverymuch，’saidMr。Jansen；’isthereanythingelsethatyourequirethismorning？’
　　"’No，thankyou，’Ireplied，’notthismorning。’Iwasbeginningtoliketheman。
　　"Hetookmeforquiteawalk，andwhereverwewenteverybodyleftoffwhattheyweredoingtostareatme。Iwasgettingtiredwhenwereachedtheglovedepartment。Hemarchedmeuptoayoungmanwhowasstickingpinsintohimself。Hesaid’Gloves，’anddisappearedthroughacurtain。Theyoungmanleftoffstickingpinsintohimself，andleantacrossthecounter。
　　"’Ladies’glovesorgentlemen’sgloves？’hesaid。
　　"Well，Iwasprettymadbythistime，asyoucanguess。Itisfunnywhenyoucometothinkofitafterwards，butthewonderthenwasthatIdidn’tpunchhishead。
　　"Isaid，’Areyoueverbusyinthisshop？Doesthereevercomeatimewhenyoufeelyouwouldliketogetyourworkdone，insteadoflingeringoveritandspinningitoutforpureloveofthething？’
　　"Hedidnotappeartounderstandme。Isaid，’Imetamanatyourdooraquarterofanhourago，andwetalkedabouttheseglovesthatIwant，andItoldhimallmyideasonthesubject。HetookmetoyourMr。Jansen，andMr。JansenandIwentoverthewholebusinessagain。NowMr。Jansenleavesitwithyou——youwhodonotevenknowwhetherIwantladies’orgentlemen’sgloves。BeforeIgooverthisstoryforthethirdtime，Iwanttoknowwhetheryouarethemanwhoisgoingtoserveme，orwhetheryouaremerelyalistener，becausepersonallyIamtiredofthesubject？’
　　"Well，thiswastherightmanatlast，andIgotmyglovesfromhim。
　　Butwhatistheexplanation——whatistheidea？Iwasinthatshopfromfirsttolastfive-and-thirtyminutes。Andthenafooltookmeoutthewrongwaytoshowmeaspeciallineinsleeping-socks。I
　　toldhimIwasnotrequiringany。Hesaidhedidn’twantmetobuy，heonlywantedmetoseethem。Nowonderthedrapershavehadtostartluncheonandtea-rooms。They’llfixupsmallfurnishedflatssoon，whereawomancanliveforaweek。"
　　Isaiditwasverytrying，shopping。Ialsosaid，asheinvitedme，andasheappeareddeterminedtogoontalking，thatIwouldhaveabrandy-and-soda。Wewereinthesmoke-roombythistime。
　　"Thereoughttobeanassociation，"hecontinued，"akindofclearing-houseforthecollectionanddistributionofChristmaspresents。Onewouldgivethemalistofthepeoplefromwhomtocollectpresents，andofthepeopletowhomtosend。SupposetheycollectedonmyaccounttwentyChristmaspresents，value，say，tenpounds，whileontheotherhandtheysentoutformethirtypresentsatacostoffifteenpounds。Theywoulddebitmewiththebalanceoffivepounds，togetherwithasmallcommission。Ishouldpayitcheerfully，andtherewouldbenofurthertrouble。Perhapsonemightevenmakeaprofit。Theideamightincludebirthdaysandweddings。Afirmwoulddothebusinessthoroughly。Theywouldseethatallyourfriendspaidup——Imeansentpresents；andtheywouldnotforgettosendtoyourmostimportantrelative。Thereisonlyonememberofourfamilycapableofleavingashilling；andofcourseifIforgettosendtoanyoneitistohim。WhenIrememberhimIgenerallymakeamuddleofthebusiness。TwoyearsagoIgavehimabath——Idon’tmeanIwashedhim——anindia-rubberthing，thathecouldpackinhisportmanteau。Ithoughthewouldfinditusefulfortravelling。Wouldyoubelieveit，hetookitasapersonalaffront，andwouldn’tspeaktomeforamonth，thesnuffyoldidiot。"
　　"Isupposethechildrenenjoyit，"Isaid。
　　"Enjoywhat？"heasked。
　　"Why，Christmas，"Iexplained。
　　"Idon’tbelievetheydo，"hesnapped；"nobodyenjoysit。Weexcitethemforthreeweeksbeforehand，tellingthemwhatagoodtimetheyaregoingtohave，over-feedthemfortwoorthreedays，takethemtosomethingtheydonotwanttosee，butwhichwedo，andthenbullythemforafortnighttogetthembackintotheirnormalcondition。IwasalwaystakentotheCrystalPalaceandMadameTussaud’swhenIwasachild，Iremember。HowIdidhatethatCrystalPalace！Auntusedtosuperintend。Itwasalwaysabitterlycoldday，andwealwaysgotintothewrongtrain，andtravelledhalfthedaybeforewegotthere。Weneverhadanydinner。Itneveroccurstoawomanthatanybodycanwanttheirmealswhileawayfromhome。Sheseemstothinkthatnatureisinsuspensefromthetimeyouleavethehousetillthetimeyougetbacktoit。Abunandaglassofmilkwasherideaoflunchforaschool-boy。Halfhertimewastakenupinlosingus，andtheotherhalfinslappinguswhenshehadfoundus。Theonlythingwereallyenjoyedwastherowwiththecabmancominghome。"
　　Irosetogo。
　　"Thenyouwon’tjointhatsymposium？"saidB————。"Itwouldbeaneasyenoughthingtoknockoff——’WhyChristmasshouldbeabolished。’"
　　"Itsoundssimple，"Ianswered。"Buthowdoyouproposetoabolishit？"Theladyeditorofan"advanced"Americanmagazineoncesetthediscussion——"Shouldsexbeabolished？"andelevenladiesandgentlemenseriouslyarguedthequestion。
　　"Leaveittodieofinanition，"saidB————-；"thefirststepistoarousepublicopinion。Convincethepublicthatitshouldbeabolished。"
　　"Butwhyshoulditbeabolished？"Iasked。
　　"GreatScott！man，"heexclaimed；"don’tyouwantitabolished？"
　　"I’mnotsurethatIdo，"Ireplied。
　　"Notsure，"heretorted；"youcallyourselfajournalist，andadmitthereisasubjectunderHeavenofwhichyouarenotsure！"
　　"Ithascomeovermeoflateyears，"Ireplied。"Itusednottobemyfailing，asyouknow。"
　　Heglancedroundtomakesurewewereoutofearshot，thensunkhisvoicetoawhisper。
　　"Betweenourselves，"hesaid，"I’mnotsosureofeverythingmyselfasIusedtobe。Whyisit？"
　　"Perhapswearegettingolder，"Isuggested。
　　Hesaid——"Istartedgolflastyear，andthefirsttimeItooktheclubinmyhandIsenttheballafurlong。’Itseemsaneasygame，’
　　Isaidtothemanwhowasteachingme。’Yes，mostpeoplefinditeasyatthebeginning，’hereplieddryly。Hewasanoldgolferhimself；Ithoughthewasjealous。Istuckwelltothegame，andforaboutthreeweeksIwasimmenselypleasedwithmyself。Then，gradually，Ibegantofindoutthedifficulties。IfeelIshallnevermakeagoodplayer。Haveyouevergonethroughthatexperience？"
　　"Yes，"Ireplied；"Isupposethatistheexplanation。Thegameseemssoeasyatthebeginning。"
　　Ilefthimtohislunch，andstrolledwestward，musingonthetimewhenIshouldhaveansweredthatquestionofhisaboutChristmas，oranyotherquestion，off-hand。ThatgoodyouthtimewhenIkneweverything，whenlifepresentednoproblems，danglednodoubtsbeforeme！
　　Inthosedays，wishfultogivetheworldthebenefitofmywisdom，andseekingforacandle-stickwherefrommybrilliancymightbevisibleandhelpfuluntomen，IarrivedbeforeadingyportalinChequersStreet，St。Luke’s，behindwhichaconclaveofyoungmen，togetherwithafewoldenoughtohaveknownbetter，meteveryFridayeveningforthepurposeofdiscussingandarrangingtheaffairsoftheuniverse。"Speakingmembers"werechargedten-and-sixpenceperannum，whichmusthaveworkedoutatanextremelymoderaterateperword；and"gentlemenwhosesubscriptionsweremorethanthreemonthsinarrear，"became，byRuleseven，powerlessforgoodorevil。Wecalledourselves"TheStormyPetrels，"and，underthesympatheticshadowofthosewings，I
　　labouredtwoseasonstowardsthereformationofthehumanrace；
　　until，indeed，ourtreasurer，anearnestyoungman，andatirelessfoeofallthatwasconventional，departedfortheEast，leavingbehindhimabalancesheet，showingthattheclubowedforty-twopoundsfifteenandfourpence，andthatthesubscriptionsforthecurrentyear，amountingtoalittleoverthirty-eightpounds，hadbeen"carriedforward，"butastowhere，thereportaffordednoindication。Whereuponourlandlord，amanutterlywithoutideals，seizedourfurniture，offeringtosellitbacktousforfifteenpounds。Wepointedouttohimthatthiswasanextravagantprice，andtenderedhimfive。
　　Thenegotiationsterminatedwithungentlemanlylanguageonhispart，and"TheStormyPetrels"scattered，nevertobeforegatheredtogetheragainabovethetroubledwatersofhumanity。Now-a-days，listeningtothefeebleplansofmodernreformers，Icannothelpbutsmile，rememberingwhatwasdoneinChequersStreet，St。Luke’s，inanagewhenMrs。Grundystillgavethelawtoliterature，whileyettheBritishmatronwastheguidetoBritishart。IaminformedthatthereisabroadthequestionofabolishingtheHouseofLords！Why，"TheStormyPetrels"abolishedthearistocracyandtheCrowninoneevening，andthenonlyadjournedforthepurposeofappointingacommitteetodrawupandhavereadyaRepublicanConstitutionbythefollowingFridayevening。TheytalkofEmpirelounges！Weclosedthedoorsofeverymusic-hallinLondoneighteenyearsagobytwenty-ninevotestoseventeen。Theyhadapatienthearing，andwereablydefended；butwefoundthatthetendencyofsuchamusementswasanti-progressive，andagainstthebestinterestsofanintellectuallyadvancingdemocracy。Imetthemoverofthecondemnatoryresolutionattheold"Pav"thefollowingevening，andwecontinuedthediscussionoverabottleofBass。Hestrengthenedhisargumentbypersuadingmetositoutthewholeofthethreesongssungbythe"LionComique"；butIsubsequentlyretortedsuccessfully，bybringingunderhisnoticethedancingofaladyinbluetightsandflaxenhair。IforgethernamebutnevershallI
　　ceasetorememberherexquisitecharmandbeauty。Ah，me！howcharmingandhowbeautiful"artistes"wereinthosegoldendays！
　　Whencehavetheyvanished？Ladiesinbluetightsandflaxenhairdancebeforemyeyesto-day，butmovemenot，unlessitbetowardsboredom。Wherebethetrippingwitchesoftwentyyearsago，whomtoseeoncewastodreamofforaweek，totouchwhosewhitehandwouldhavebeenjoy，tokisswhoseredlipswouldhavebeentoforetasteHeaven。Iheardonlytheotherdaythatthesonofanoldfriendofminehadsecretlymarriedaladyfromthefrontrowoftheballet，andinvoluntarilyIexclaimed，"Poordevil！"Therewasatimewhenmyfirstthoughtwouldhavebeen，"Luckybeggar！isheworthyofher？"Forthentheladiesoftheballetwereangels。Howcouldonegazeatthem——fromtheshillingpit——anddoubtit？Theydancedtokeepawidowedmotherincomfort，ortosendayoungerbrothertoschool。Thentheyweregloriouscreaturesayoungmandidwelltoworship；butnow-a-days——
　　Itisanoldjest。Theeyesofyouthseethroughrose-tintedglasses。Theeyesofagearedimbehindsmoke-cloudedspectacles。
　　Myflaxenfriend，youarenottheangelIdreamedyou，northeexceptionalsinnersomewouldpaintyou；butunderyourfeathers，justawoman——abundleoffolliesandfailings，tiedupwithsomesweetnessandstrength。YoukeepabroughamIamsureyoucannotaffordonyourthirtyshillingsaweek。ThereareladiesIknow，inMayfair，whohavepaidanextravagantpricefortheirs。Youpaintandyoudye，Iamtold：itisevenhintedyoupad。Don’tweallofusdeckourselvesoutinvirtuesthatarenotourown？Whenthepaintandthepowder，mysister，isstrippedbothfromyouandfromme，weshallknowwhichofusisentitledtolookdownontheotherinscorn。
　　Forgiveme，gentleReader，fordigressing。Theladyledmeastray。
　　Iwasspeakingof"TheStormyPetrels，"andofthereformstheyaccomplished，whichweremany。Weabolished，Iremember，capitalpunishmentandwar；wewereexcellentyoungmenatheart。Christmaswereformedaltogether，alongwithBankHolidays，byamajorityoftwelve。Ineverrecollectanyproposaltoabolishanythingeverbeinglostwhenputtothevote。Therewerefewthingsthatwe"StormyPetrels"didnotabolish。WeattackedChristmasongroundsofexpediency，andkilleditbyridicule。WeexposedthehollowmockeryofChristmassentiment；weabusedtheindigestibleChristmasdinner，thetiresomeChristmasparty，thesillyChristmaspantomime。
　　Ourfunnymemberwasside-splittingonthesubjectofChristmasWaits；oursocialreformerbitteruponChristmasdrunkenness；oureconomistindignantuponChristmascharities。Onlyoneargumentofanyweightwithuswasadvancedinfavourofthefestival，andthatwasourleadingcynic’ssuggestionthatitwasworthenduringthemiseriesofChristmas，toenjoythesoul-satisfyingcomfortoftheafterreflectionthatitwasallover，andcouldnotoccuragainforanotheryear。
　　ButsincethosedayswhenIwaspreparedtoputthisoldworldofourstorightsuponallmatters，Ihaveseenmanysightsandheardmanysounds，andIamnotquitesosureasIoncewasthatmyparticularviewsaretheonlypossiblycorrectones。Christmasseemstomesomewhatmeaningless；butIhavelookedthroughwindowsinpoverty-strickenstreets，andhaveseendingyparloursgaywithmanychainsofcolouredpaper。Theystretchedfromcornertocornerofthesmoke-grimedceiling，theyfellinclumsyfestoonsfromthecheapgasalier，theyframedthefly-blownmirrorandthetawdrypictures；andIknowtiredhandsandeyesworkedmanyhourstofashionandfixthosefoolishchains，saying，"Itwillpleasehim——
　　shewillliketoseetheroomlookpretty；"andasIhavelookedatthemtheyhavegrown，insomemysteriousmanner，beautifultome。
　　Thegaudy-colouredchildanddogirritatesme，Iconfess；butIhavewatchedagrimy，inartisticpersonage，smoothingitaffectionatelywithtoil-stainedhand，whileeagerfacescrowdedroundtoadmireandwonderatitsblatantcrudity。Ithangstothisdayinitscheapframeabovethechimney-piece，theonebrightspotrelievingthosedamp-stainedwalls；dulleyesstareandstareagainatit，catchingavista，throughitsflashytints，ofthefar-offlandofart。ChristmasWaitsannoyme，andIyearntothrowopenthewindowandflingcoalatthem——asoncefromthewindowofahighflatinChelseaIdid。IdoubtedtheirbeinggenuineWaits。Iwasinclinedtotheopiniontheywereyoungmenseekingexcuseformakinganoise。Oneofthemappearedtoknowahymnwithachorus，anotherplayedtheconcertina，whileathirdaccompaniedwithastepdance。
　　InstinctivelyIfeltnorespectforthem；theydisturbedmeinmywork，andthedesiregrewuponmetoinjurethem。ItoccurredtomeitwouldbegoodsportifIturnedoutthelight，softlyopenedthewindow，andthrewcoalatthem。Itwouldbeimpossibleforthemtotellfromwhichwindowintheblockthecoalcame，andthussubsequentunpleasantnesswouldbeavoided。Theywereacompactlittlegroup，andwithaverageluckIwasboundtohitoneofthem。
　　Iadoptedtheplan。Icouldnotseethemveryclearly。Iaimedratheratthenoise；andIhadthrownabouttwentychoicelumpswithouteffect，andwasfeelingsomewhatdiscouraged，whenayell，followedbylanguagesingularlyunappropriatetotheseason，toldmethatProvidencehadaidedmyarm。Themusicceasedsuddenly，andthepartydispersed，apparentlyinhighglee——whichstruckmeascurious。
　　OnemanInoticedremainedbehind。Hestoodunderthelamp-post，andshookhisfistattheblockgenerally。
　　"Whothrewthatlumpofcoal？"hedemandedinstentoriantones。
　　Tomyhorror，itwasthevoiceofthemanatEighty-eight，anIrishgentleman，ajournalistlikemyself。Isawitall，astheunfortunateheroalwaysexclaims，toolate，intheplay。He——numberEighty-eight——alsodisturbedbythenoise，hadevidentlygoneouttoexpostulatewiththerioters。Ofcoursemylumpofcoalhadhithim——himtheinnocent，thepeaceful（uptillthen），thevirtuous。
　　ThatisthejusticeFatedealsouttousmortalsherebelow。Thereweretentofourteenyoungmeninthatcrowd，eachoneofwhomfullydeservedthatlumpofcoal；he，theoneguiltless，gotit——
　　seemingly，sofarasthedimlightfromthegaslampenabledmetojudge，fullintheeye。
　　Astheblockremainedsilentinanswertohisdemand，hecrossedtheroadandmountedthestairs。Oneachlandinghestoppedandshouted——
　　"Whothrewthatlumpofcoal？Iwantthemanwhothrewthatlumpofcoal。Outyoucome。"
　　NowagoodmaninmyplacewouldhavewaitedtillnumberEighty-eightarrivedonhislanding，andthen，throwingopenthedoorwouldhavesaidwithmanlycandour——
　　"_I_threwthatlumpofcoal。Iwas-，"Hewouldnothavegotfurther，becauseatthatpoint，Ifeelconfident，numberEighty——
　　eightwouldhavepunchedhishead。Therewouldhavebeenanunseemlyfracasonthestaircase，totheannoyanceofalltheothertenantsandlater，therewouldhaveissuedasummonsandacross-summons。Angrypassionswouldhavebeenroused，bitterfeelingengenderedwhichmighthavelastedforyears。
　　Idonotpretendtobeagoodman。IdoubtifthepretencewouldbeofanyusewereItotry：Iamnotasufficientlygoodactor。I
　　saidtomyself，asItookoffmybootsinthestudy，preparatorytoretiringtomybedroom——"NumberEighty-eightisevidentlynotinaframeofmindtolistentomystory。Itwillbebettertolethimshouthimselfcool；afterwhichhewillreturntohisownflat，bathehiseye，andobtainsomerefreshingsleep。Inthemorning，whenweshallprobablymeetasusualonourwaytoFleetStreet，I
　　willrefertotheincidentcasually，andsympathizewithhim。I
　　willsuggesttohimthetruth——thatinallprobabilitysomefellow-tenant，irritatedalsobythenoise，hadaimedcoalattheWaits，hittinghiminsteadbyaregrettablebutpureaccident。WithtactImayevenbeabletomakehimseethehumouroftheincident。
　　Lateron，inMarchorApril，choosingmymomentwithjudgment，I
　　will，perhaps，confessthatIwasthatfellow-tenant，andoverafriendlybrandy-and-sodawewilllaughthewholetroubleaway。"
　　Asamatteroffact，thatiswhathappened。SaidnumberEighty-eight——hewasabigman，asgoodafellowatheartaseverlived，butimpulsive——"Damnedluckyforyou，oldman，youdidnottellmeatthetime。"
　　"Ifelt，"Ireplied，"instinctivelythatitwasacasefordelay。"
　　Therearetimeswhenoneshouldcontrolone’spassionforcandour；
　　andasIwassaying，Christmaswaitsexcitenoemotioninmybreastsavethatofirritation。ButIhaveknown"Hark，theheraldangelssing，"wheezilychantedbyfog-filledthroats，andaccompanied，hopelesslyoutoftune，byacornetandaflute，bringagreatlookofgladnesstoawork-wornface。Toheritwasamessageofhopeandlove，makingthehardlifetastesweet。Themerethoughtoffamilygatherings，socustomaryatChristmastime，boresussuperiorpeople；butIthinkofanincidenttoldmebyacertainman，afriendofmine。OneChristmas，myfriend，visitinginthecountry，camefacetofacewithawomanwhomintownhehadoftenmetamidverydifferentsurroundings。Thedoorofthelittlefarmhousewasopen；sheandanolderwomanwereironingatatable，andashersoftwhitehandspassedtoandfro，foldingandsmoothingtherumpledheap，shelaughedandtalked，concerningsimplehomelythings。Myfriend’sshadowfellacrossherwork，andshelookingup，theireyesmet；butherfacesaidplainly，"Idonotknowyouhere，andhereyoudonotknowme。HereIamawomanlovedandrespected。"Myfriendpassedinandspoketotheolderwoman，thewifeofoneofhishost’stenants，andsheturnedtowards，andintroducedtheyounger——"Mydaughter，sir。Wedonotseeherveryoften。SheisinaplaceinLondon，andcannotgetaway。ButshealwaysspendsafewdayswithusatChristmas。"
　　"Itistheseasonforfamilyre-unions，"answeredmyfriendwithjustthesuggestionofasneer，forwhichhehatedhimself。
　　"Yes，sir，"saidthewoman，notnoticing；"shehasnevermissedherChristmaswithus，haveyou，Bess？"
　　"No，mother，"repliedthegirlsimply，andbentherheadagainoverherwork。
　　Soforthesefewdayseveryyearthiswomanleftherfursandjewels，herfineclothesanddaintyfoods，behindher，andlivedforalittlespacewithwhatwascleanandwholesome。Itwastheoneanchorholdinghertowomanhood；andonelikestothinkthatitwas，perhaps，intheendstrongenoughtosaveherfromthedriftingwaters。AllwhichargumentsinfavourofChristmasandofChristmascustomsare，Iadmit，purelysentimentalones，butIhavelivedlongenoughtodoubtwhethersentimenthasnotitslegitimateplaceintheeconomyoflife。
　　ONTHETIMEWASTEDINLOOKINGBEFOREONELEAPS
　　Haveyouevernoticedthegoingoutofawoman？
　　Whenamangoesout，hesays——"I’mgoingout，shan’tbelong。"
　　"Oh，George，"crieshiswifefromtheotherendofthehouse，"don’tgoforamoment。Iwantyouto——"Shehearsafallingofhats，followedbytheslammingofthefrontdoor。
　　"Oh，George，you’renotgone！"shewails。Itisbutthevoiceofdespair。Asamatteroffact，sheknowsheisgone。Shereachesthehall，breathless。
　　"Hemighthavewaitedaminute，"shemutterstoherself，asshepicksupthehats，"thereweresomanythingsIwantedhimtodo。"
　　Shedoesnotopenthedoorandattempttostophim，sheknowsheisalreadyhalf-waydownthestreet。Itisamean，paltrywayofgoingout，shethinks；solikeaman。
　　Whenawoman，ontheotherhand，goesout，peopleknowaboutit。
　　Shedoesnotsneakout。Shesayssheisgoingout。Shesaysit，generally，ontheafternoonofthedaybefore；andsherepeatsit，atintervals，untiltea-time。Attea，shesuddenlydecidesthatshewon’t，thatshewillleaveittillthedayafterto-morrowinstead。
　　Anhourlatershethinksshewillgoto-morrow，afterall，andmakesarrangementstowashherhairovernight。Forthenexthourorsoshealternatesbetweenfitsofexaltation，duringwhichshelooksforwardtogoingout，andmomentsofdespondency，whenasenseofforebodingfallsuponher。Atdinnershepersuadessomeotherwomantogowithher；theotherwoman，oncepersuaded，isenthusiasticaboutgoing，untilsherecollectsthatshecannot。Thefirstwoman，however，convincesherthatshecan。
　　"Yes，"repliesthesecondwoman，"butthen，howaboutyou，dear？
　　YouareforgettingtheJoneses。"
　　"SoIwas，"answersthefirstwoman，completelynon-plussed。"Howveryawkward，andIcan’tgoonWednesday。IshallhavetoleaveittillThursday，now。"
　　"But_I_can’tgoThursday，"saysthesecondwoman。
　　"Well，yougowithoutme，dear，"saysthefirstwoman，inthetoneofonewhoissacrificingalife’sambition。
　　"Ohno，dear，Ishouldnotthinkofit，"noblyexclaimsthesecondwoman。"Wewillwaitandgotogether，Friday！"
　　"I’lltellyouwhatwe’lldo，"saysthefirstwoman。"Wewillstartearly"（thisisaninspiration），"andbebackbeforetheJonesesarrive。"
　　Theyagreetosleeptogether；thereisalurkingsuspicioninboththeirmindsthatthismaybetheirlastsleeponearth。Theyretireearlywithacanofhotwater。Atintervals，duringthenight，oneoverhearsthemsplashingwater，andtalking。
　　Theycomedownverylateforbreakfast，andbothverycross。Eachseemstohavearguedherselfintothebeliefthatshehasbeenluredintothispieceofnonsense，againstherbetterjudgment，bythepersistentfollyoftheotherone。Duringthemealeachoneaskstheother，everyfiveminutes，ifsheisquiteready。Eachone，itappears，hasonlyherhattoputon。Theytalkabouttheweather，andwonderwhatitisgoingtodo。Theywishitwouldmakeupitsmind，onewayortheother。Theyareverybitteronweatherthatcannotmakeupitsmind。Afterbreakfastitstilllookscloudy，andtheydecidetoabandontheschemealtogether。Thefirstwomanthenremembersthatitisabsolutelynecessaryforher，atallevents，togo。
　　"Butthereisnoneedforyoutocome，dear，"shesays。
　　Uptothatpointthesecondwomanwasevidentlynotsurewhethershewishedtogoorwhethershedidn’t。Nowsheknows。
　　"Ohyes，I’llcome，"shesays，"thenitwillbeover！"
　　"Iamsureyoudon’twanttogo，"urgesthefirstwoman，"andI
　　shallbequickerbymyself。Iamreadytostartnow。"
　　Thesecondwomanbridles。
　　"_I_shan’tbeacoupleofminutes，"sheretorts。"Youknow，dear，it’sgenerallyIwhohavetowaitforyou。"
　　"Butyou’venotgotyourbootson，"thefirstwomanremindsher。
　　"Well，theywon’ttakeANYtime，"istheanswer。"Butofcourse，dear，ifyou’dreallyratherIdidnotcome，sayso。"Bythistimesheisonthevergeoftears。
　　"Ofcourse，Iwouldlikeyoutocome，dear，"explainsthefirstinaresignedtone。"Ithoughtperhapsyouwereonlycomingtopleaseme。"
　　"Ohno，I’dLIKEtocome，"saysthesecondwoman。
　　"Well，wemusthurryup，"saysthefirst；"Ishan’tbemorethanaminutemyself，I’vemerelygottochangemyskirt。"
　　Half-an-hourlateryouhearthemcallingtoeachother，fromdifferentpartsofthehouse，toknowiftheotheroneisready。Itappearstheyhavebothbeenreadyforquitealongwhile，waitingonlyfortheotherone。
　　"I’mafraid，"callsouttheonewhoseturnitistobedown-stairs，"it’sgoingtorain。"
　　"Oh，don’tsaythat，"callsbacktheotherone。
　　"Well，itlooksverylikeit。"
　　"Whatanuisance，"answerstheup-stairswoman；"shallweputitoff？"
　　"Well，whatdoYOUthink，dear？"repliesthedown-stairs。
　　Theydecidetheywillgo，onlynowtheywillhavetochangetheirboots，andputondifferenthats。
　　Forthenexttenminutestheyarestillshoutingandrunningabout。
　　Thenitseemsasiftheyreallywereready，nothingremainingbutforthemtosay"Good-bye，"andgo。
　　Theybeginbykissingthechildren。Awomanneverleavesherhousewithoutsecretmisgivingsthatshewillneverreturntoitalive。
　　Onechildcannotbefound。Whenitisfounditwishesithadn’tbeen。Ithastobewashed，preparatorytobeingkissed。Afterthat，thedoghastobefoundandkissed，andfinalinstructionsgiventothecook。
　　Thentheyopenthefrontdoor。
　　"Oh，George，"callsoutthefirstwoman，turningroundagain。"Areyouthere？"
　　"Hullo，"answersavoicefromthedistance。"Doyouwantme？"
　　"No，dear，onlytosaygood-bye。I’mgoing。"
　　"Oh，good-bye。"
　　"Good-bye，dear。Doyouthinkit’sgoingtorain？"
　　"Ohno，Ishouldnotsayso。"
　　"George。"
　　"Yes。"
　　"Haveyougotanymoney？"
　　Fiveminuteslatertheycomerunningback；theonehasforgottenherparasol，theotherherpurse。
　　Andspeakingofpurses，remindsoneofanotheressentialdifferencebetweenthemaleandfemalehumananimal。Amancarrieshismoneyinhispocket。Whenhewantstouseit，hetakesitoutandlaysitdown。Thisisacrudewayofdoingthings，awomandisplaysmoresubtlety。Saysheisstandinginthestreet，andwantsfourpencetopayforabunchofvioletsshehaspurchasedfromaflower-girl。
　　Shehastwoparcelsinonehand，andaparasolintheother。Withtheremainingtwofingersofthelefthandshesecurestheviolets。
　　Thequestionthenarises，howtopaythegirl？Shefluttersforafewminutes，evidentlynotquiteunderstandingwhyitisshecannotdoit。Thereasonthenoccurstoher：shehasonlytwohandsandboththeseareoccupied。Firstshethinksshewillputtheparcelsandtheflowersintoherrighthand，thenshethinksshewillputtheparasolintoherleft。Thenshelooksroundforatableorevenachair，butthereisnotsuchathinginthewholestreet。Herdifficultyissolvedbyherdroppingtheparcelsandtheflowers。
　　Thegirlpicksthemupforherandholdsthem。Thisenableshertofeelforherpocketwithherrighthand，whilewavingheropenparasolaboutwithherleft。Sheknocksanoldgentleman’shatoffintothegutter，andnearlyblindstheflower-girlbeforeitoccurstohertocloseit。Thisdone，sheleansitupagainsttheflower-girl’sbasket，andsetstoworkinearnestwithbothhands。
　　Sheseizesherselffirmlybytheback，andturnstheupperpartofherbodyroundtillherhairisinfrontandhereyesbehind。Stillholdingherselffirmlywithherlefthand——didsheletherselfgo，goodnessknowswhereshewouldspinto；——withherrightsheprospectsherself。Thepurseisthere，shecanfeelit，theproblemishowtogetatit。Thequickestwaywould，ofcourse，betotakeofftheskirt，sitdownonthekerb，turnitinsideout，andworkfromthebottomofthepocketupwards。Butthissimpleideaneverseemstooccurtoher。Therearesomethirtyfoldsatthebackofthedress，betweentwoofthesefoldscommencesthesecretpassage。
　　Atlast，purelybychance，shesuddenlydiscoversit，nearlyupsettingherselfintheprocess，andthepurseisbroughtuptothesurface。Thedifficultyofopeningitstillremains。Sheknowsitopenswithaspring，butthesecretofthatspringshehasnevermastered，andsheneverwill。Herplanistoworryitgenerallyuntilitdoesopen。Fiveminuteswillalwaysdoit，providedsheisnotflustered。
　　Atlastitdoesopen。Itwouldbeincorrecttosaythatsheopensit。Itopensbecauseitissickofbeingmauledabout；and，aslikelyasnot，itopensatthemomentwhensheisholdingitupsidedown。Ifyouhappentobenearenoughtolookoverhershoulder，youwillnoticethatthegoldandsilverliesloosewithinit。Inaninnersanctuary，carefullysecuredwithasecondsecretspring，shekeepshercoppers，togetherwithapostage-stampandadraper’sreceipt，ninemonthsold，forelevenpencethree-farthings。
　　IremembertheindignationofanoldBus-conductor，once。Insidewewereninewomenandtwomen。Isatnextthedoor，andhisremarksthereforeheaddressedtome。Itwascertainlytakinghimsometimetocollectthefares，butIthinkhewouldhavegotonbetterhadhebeenlessbustling；heworriedthem，andmadethemnervous。
　　"Lookatthat，"hesaid，drawingmyattentiontoapoorladyopposite，whowasdivinginthecustomarymannerforherpurse，"theysitontheirmoney，womendo。Blestifyouwouldn’tthinktheywastryingto’atchit。"
　　Atlengththeladydrewfromunderneathherselfanexceedinglyfatpurse。
　　"Fancyridinginabumpbybus，percheduponthatthing，"hecontinued。"Thinkwhatastaminatheymusthave。"Hegrewconfidential。"I’veseenonewoman，"hesaid，"pulloutfromunderneath’erastreetdoorkey，atinboxoflozengers，apencil-case，awhoppingbigpurse，apacketofhair-pins，andasmelling-bottle。Why，youormewouldbewretched，sittingonaplaindoor-knob，andthemwomengoesaboutlikethatallday。I
　　supposetheygetsusedtoit。Drop’emonaneider-downpillow，andthey’dscream。Thetimeittakesmetogettuppenceoutofthem，why，it’s’eart-breaking。Firsttheytriesoneside，thentheytriestheother。Thentheygetsupandshakestheirselvestillthebusjerksthembackagain，andtheretheyare，amore’opeless’eapthanever。IfI’admywayI’dmakeeverybuscarryafemalesearcherascouldover’aul’emoneatatime，andtakethemoneyfrom’em。Talkaboutthepoorpickpocket。WhatIsayis，thatamanasfindshiswayintoawoman’spocket——well，hedeserveswhathegets。"
　　Butitwasthethoughtofmoreseriousmattersthatluredmeintoreflectionsconcerningtheover-carefulnessofwomen。Itisatheoryofmine——wrongpossibly；indeedIhavesobeeninformed——thatwepickourwaythroughlifewithtoomuchcare。Weareforeverlookingdownupontheground。Maybe，wedoavoidastumbleortwooverastoneorabrier，butalsowemisstheblueofthesky，thegloryofthehills。Thesebooksthatgoodmenwrite，tellingusthatwhattheycall"success"inlifedependsonourflingingasideouryouthandwastingourmanhoodinorderthatwemayhavethemeanswhenweareeightyofspendingarollickingoldage，annoyme。
　　WesaveallourlivestoinvestinaSouthSeaBubble；andinskimpingandscheming，wehavegrownmean，andnarrow，andhard。Wewillputoffthegatheringoftherosestilltomorrow，to-dayitshallbeallwork，allbargain-driving，allplotting。Lo，whento-
　　morrowcomes，therosesareblown；nordowecareforroses，idlethingsofsmallmarketablevalue；cabbagesaremoretoourfancybythetimeto-morrowcomes。
　　Lifeisathingtobelived，notspent，tobefaced，notordered。