Yes;mydeargirl,theseprudentyoungmenwantallthefirenecessarytofermenttheirfaculties,andarecharacterizedaswise,onlybecausetheyarenotfoolish。Itistrue,thatGeorgewasbynomeanssogreatafavouriteofmineasduringthefirstyearofouracquaintance;still,asheoftencoincidedinopinionwithme,andechoedmysentiments;andhavingmyselfnootherattachment,Iheardwithpleasuremyuncle’sproposal;butthoughtmoreofobtainingmyfreedom,thanofmylover。But,whenGeorge,seeminglyanxiousformyhappiness,pressedmetoquitmypresentpainfulsituation,myheartswelledwithgratitude——Iknewnotthatmyunclehadpromisedhimfivethousandpounds。
  Hadthistrulygenerousmanmentionedhisintentiontome,Ishouldhaveinsistedonathousandpoundsbeingsettledoneachofmysisters;Georgewouldhavecontested;Ishouldhaveseenhisselfishsoul;and——graciousGod!havebeensparedthemiseryofdiscovering,whentoolate,thatIwasunitedtoaheartless,unprincipledwretch。Allmyschemesofusefulnesswouldnotthenhavebeenblasted。Thetendernessofmyheartwouldnothaveheatedmyimaginationwithvisionsoftheineffabledelightofhappylove;
  norwouldthesweetdutyofamotherhavebeensocruellyinterrupted。
  ButImustnotsufferthefortitudeIhavesohardlyacquired,tobeunderminedbyunavailingregret。LetmehastenforwardtodescribetheturbidstreaminwhichIhadtowade——butletmeexultinglydeclarethatitispassed——mysoulholdsfellowshipwithhimnomore。HecuttheGordianknot,whichmyprinciples,mistakenones,respected;hedissolvedthetie,thefettersrather,thatateintomyveryvitals——andIshouldrejoice,consciousthatmymindisfreed,thoughconfinedinhellitself,theonlyplacethatevenfancycanimaginemoredreadfulthanmypresentabode。
  Thesevaryingemotionswillnotallowmetoproceed。Iheavesighaftersigh;yetmyheartisstilloppressed。ForwhatamI
  reserved?WhywasInotbornaman,orwhywasIbornatall?
  CHAPTER9
  "IRESUMEmypentoflyfromthought。Iwasmarried;andwehastenedtoLondon。Ihadpurposedtakingoneofmysisterswithme;forastrongmotiveformarrying,wasthedesireofhavingahomeatwhichIcouldreceivethem,nowtheirowngrewsouncomfortable,asnottodeservethecheeringappellation。Anobjectionwasmadetoheraccompanyingme,thatappearedplausible;andIreluctantlyacquiesced。IwashoweverwillinglyallowedtotakewithmeMolly,poorPeggy’sdaughter。Londonandpreferment,areideascommonlyassociatedinthecountry;and,asbloomingasMay,shebadeadieutoPeggywithweepingeyes。Ididnotevenfeelhurtattherefusalinrelationtomysister,tillhearingwhatmyunclehaddoneforme,Ihadthesimplicitytorequest,speakingwithwarmthoftheirsituation,thathewouldgivethemathousandpoundsa—piece,whichseemedtomebutjustice。Heaskedme,givingmeakiss,’IfI
  hadlostmysenses?’Istartedback,asifIhadfoundawaspinarose—bush。Iexpostulated。Hesneered:andthedemonofdiscordenteredourparadise,topoisonwithhispestiferousbreatheveryopeningjoy。
  "Ihadsometimesobserveddefectsinmyhusband’sunderstanding;
  but,ledastraybyaprevailingopinion,thatgoodnessofdispositionisofthefirstimportanceintherelativesituationsoflife,inproportionasIperceivedthenarrownessofhisunderstanding,fancyenlargedtheboundaryofhisheart。Fatalerror!Howquicklyisthesomuchvauntedmilkinessofnatureturnedintogall,byanintercoursewiththeworld,ifmoregenerousjuicesdonotsustainthevitalsourceofvirtue!
  "Onetraitinmycharacterwasextremecredulity;but,whenmyeyeswereonceopened,IsawbuttooclearlyallIhadbeforeoverlooked。Myhusbandwassunkinmyesteem;stillthereareyouthfulemotions,which,forawhile,fillupthechasmofloveandfriendship。Besides,itrequiredsometimetoenablemetoseehiswholecharacterinajustlight,orrathertoallowittobecomefixed。Whilecircumstanceswereripeningmyfaculties,andcultivatingmytaste,commerceandgrossrelaxationswereshuttinghisagainstanypossibilityofimprovement,till,bystiflingeverysparkofvirtueinhimself,hebegantoimaginethatitnowhereexisted。
  "Donotletmeleadyouastray,mychild,Idonotmeantoassert,thatanyhumanbeingisentirelyincapableoffeelingthegenerousemotions,whicharethefoundationofeverytrueprincipleofvirtue;buttheyarefrequently,Ifear,sofeeble,that,liketheinflammablequalitywhichmoreorlesslurksinallbodies,theyoftenlieforeverdormant;thecircumstancesneveroccurring,necessarytocallthemintoaction。
  "Idiscoveredhoweverbychance,that,inconsequenceofsomelossesintrade,thenaturaleffectofhisgamblingdesiretostartsuddenlyintoriches,thefivethousandpoundsgivenmebymyuncle,hadbeenpaidveryopportunely。Thisdiscovery,strangeasyoumaythinktheassertion,gavemepleasure;myhusband’sembarrassmentsendearedhimtome。Iwasgladtofindanexcuseforhisconducttomysisters,andmymindbecamecalmer。
  "Myuncleintroducedmetosomeliterarysociety;andthetheatreswereanever—failingsourceofamusementtome。MydelightedeyefollowedMrs。Siddons,when,withdignifieddelicacy,sheplayedCalifta;andIinvoluntarilyrepeatedafterher,inthesametone,andwithalong—drawnsigh,’Heartslikeour’swerepair’d——notmatch’d。’
  "Thesewere,atfirst,spontaneousemotions,though,becomingacquaintedwithmenofwitandpolishedmanners,Icouldnotsometimeshelpregrettingmyearlymarriage;andthat,inmyhastetoescapefromatemporarydependence,andexpandmynewlyfledgedwings,inanunknownsky,Ihadbeencaughtinatrap,andcagedforlife。StillthenoveltyofLondon,andtheattentivefondnessofmyhusband,forhehadsomepersonalregardforme,madeseveralmonthsglideaway。Yet,notforgettingthesituationofmysisters,whowerestillveryyoung,Iprevailedonmyuncletosettleathousandpoundsoneach;andtoplacetheminaschoolneartown,whereIcouldfrequentlyvisit,aswellashavethemathomewithme。
  "Inowtriedtoimprovemyhusband’staste,butwehadfewsubjectsincommon;indeedhesoonappearedtohavelittlerelishformysociety,unlesshewashintingtometheusehecouldmakeofmyuncle’swealth。Whenwehadcompany,Iwasdisgustedbyanostentatiousdisplayofriches,andIhaveoftenquittedtheroom,toavoidlisteningtoexaggeratedtalesofmoneyobtainedbyluckyhits。
  "Withallmyattentionandaffectionateinterest,IperceivedthatIcouldnotbecomethefriendorconfidentofmyhusband。
  EverythingIlearnedrelativetohisaffairsIgatheredupbyaccident;andIvainlyendeavouredtoestablish,atourfire—side,thatsocialconverse,whichoftenrenderspeopleofdifferentcharactersdeartoeachother。Returningfromthetheatre,oranyamusingparty,IfrequentlybegantorelatewhatIhadseenandhighlyrelished;butwithsullentaciturnityhesoonsilencedme。
  Iseemedthereforegraduallytolose,inhissociety,thesoul,theenergiesofwhichhadjustbeeninaction。Tosuchadegree,infact,didhiscold,reservedmanneraffectme,that,afterspendingsomedayswithhimalone,Ihaveimaginedmyselfthemoststupidcreatureintheworld,tilltheabilitiesofsomecasualvisitorconvincedmethatIhadsomedormantanimation,andsentimentsabovethedustinwhichIhadbeengroveling。Theverycountenanceofmyhusbandchanged;hiscomplexionbecamesallow,andallthecharmsofyouthwerevanishingwithitsvivacity。
  "Igiveyouoneviewofthesubject;buttheseexperimentsandalterationstookupthespaceoffiveyears;duringwhichperiod,Ihadmostreluctantlyextortedseveralsumsfrommyuncle,tosavemyhusband,tousehisownwords,fromdestruction。
  Atfirstitwastopreventbillsbeingnoted,totheinjuryofhiscredit;thentobailhim;andafterwardstopreventanexecutionfromenteringthehouse。Ibeganatlasttoconclude,thathewouldhavemademoreexertionsofhisowntoextricatehimself,hadhenotreliedonmine,cruelaswasthetaskheimposedonme;
  andIfirmlydeterminedthatIwouldmakeuseofnomorepretexts。
  "FromthemomentIpronouncedthisdetermination,indifferenceonhispartwaschangedintorudeness,orsomethingworse。
  "Henowseldomdinedathome,andcontinuallyreturnedatalatehour,drunk,tobed。Iretiredtoanotherapartment;Iwasglad,Iown,toescapefromhis;forpersonalintimacywithoutaffection,seemed,tomethemostdegrading,aswellasthemostpainfulstateinwhichawomanofanytaste,nottospeakofthepeculiardelicacyoffosteredsensibility,couldbeplaced。Butmyhusband’sfondnessforwomenwasofthegrossestkind,andimaginationwassowhollyoutofthequestion,astorenderhisindulgencesofthissortentirelypromiscuous,andofthemostbrutalnature。Myhealthsuffered,beforemyheartwasentirelyestrangedbytheloathsomeinformation;couldIthenhavereturnedtohissulliedarms,butasavictimtotheprejudicesofmankind,whohavemadewomenthepropertyoftheirhusbands?Idiscoveredeven,byhisconversation,whenintoxicatedthathisfavouriteswerewantonsofthelowestclass,whocouldbytheirvulgar,indecentmirth,whichhecallednature,rousehissluggishspirits。
  Meretriciousornamentsandmannerswerenecessarytoattracthisattention。Heseldomlookedtwiceatamodestwoman,andsatsilentintheircompany;andthecharmsofyouthandbeautyhadnottheslightesteffectonhissenses,unlessthepossessorswereinitiatedinvice。Hisintimacywithprofligatewomen,andhishabitsofthinking,gavehimacontemptforfemaleendowments;andhewouldrepeat,whenwinehadloosedhistongue,mostofthecommon—placesarcasmslevelledatthem,bymenwhodonotallowthemtohaveminds,becausemindwouldbeanimpedimenttogrossenjoyment。
  Menwhoareinferiortotheirfellowmen,arealwaysmostanxioustoestablishtheirsuperiorityoverwomen。Butwherearethesereflectionsleadingme?
  "Womenwhohavelosttheirhusband’saffection,arejustlyreprovedforneglectingtheirpersons,andnottakingthesamepainstokeep,astogainaheart;butwhothinksofgivingthesameadvicetomen,thoughwomenarecontinuallystigmatizedforbeingattachedtofops;andfromthenatureoftheireducation,aremoresusceptibleofdisgust?Yetwhyawomanshouldbeexpectedtoendureasloven,withmorepatiencethanaman,andmagnanimouslytogovernherself,Icannotconceive;unlessitbesupposedarrogantinhertolookforrespectaswellasamaintenance。Itisnoteasytobepleased,because,afterpromisingtolove,indifferentcircumstances,wearetoldthatitisourduty。Icannot,Iamsure(though,whenattendingthesick,Ineverfeltdisgust)forgetmyownsensations,whenrisingwithhealthandspirit,andafterscentingthesweetmorning,Ihavemetmyhusbandatthebreakfasttable。TheactiveattentionIhadbeengivingtodomesticregulations,whichweregenerallysettledbeforeherose,orawalk,gaveaglowtomycountenance,thatcontrastedwithhissquallidappearance。Thesqueamishnessofstomachalone,producedbythelastnight’sintemperance,whichhetooknopainstoconceal,destroyedmyappetite。IthinkInowseehimlollinginanarm—chair,inadirtypowderinggown,soiledlinen,ungarteredstockings,andtangledhair,yawningandstretchinghimself。Thenewspaperwasimmediatelycalledfor,ifnotbroughtinonthetea—board,fromwhichhewouldscarcelylifthiseyeswhileIpouredoutthetea,exceptingtoaskforsomebrandytoputintoit,ortodeclarethathecouldnoteat。Inanswertoanyquestion,inhisbesthumour,itwasadrawling’Whatdoyousay,child?’ButifIdemandedmoneyforthehouseexpences,whichIputofftillthelastmoment,hiscustomaryreply,oftenprefacedwithanoath,was,’Doyouthinkme,madam,madeofmoney?’——Thebutcher,thebaker,mustwait;and,whatwasworse,Iwasoftenobligedtowitnesshissurlydismissionoftradesmen,whowereinwantoftheirmoney,andwhomIsometimespaidwiththepresentsmyunclegavemeformyownuse。
  Atthisjuncturemyfather’smistress,byterrifyinghisconscience,prevailedonhimtomarryher;hewasalreadybecomeamethodist;andmybrother,whonowpractisedforhimself,haddiscoveredaflawinthesettlementmadeonmymother’schildren,whichsetitaside,andheallowedmyfather,whosedistressmadehimsubmittoanything,atitheofhisown,orratherourfortune。
  Mysistershadleftschool,butwereunabletoendurehome,whichmyfather’swiferenderedasdisagreeableaspossible,togetridofgirlswhomsheregardedasspiesonherconduct。Theywereaccomplished,yetyoucan(mayyouneverbereducedtothesamedestitutestate!)scarcelyconceivethetroubleIhadtoplacetheminthesituationofgovernesses,theonlyoneinwhichevenawell—educatedwoman,withmorethanordinarytalents,canstruggleforasubsistence;andeventhisisadependencenexttomenial。
  Isitthensurprising,thatsomanyforlornwomen,withhumanpassionsandfeelings,takerefugeininfamy?Aloneinlargemansions,Isayalone,becausetheyhadnocompanionswithwhomtheycouldconverseonequalterms,orfromwhomtheycouldexpecttheendearmentsofaffection,theygrewmelancholy,andthesoundofjoymadethemsad;andtheyoungest,havingamoredelicateframe,fellintoadecline。ItwaswithgreatdifficultythatI,whonowalmostsupportedthehousebyloansfrommyuncle,couldprevailonthe_master_ofit,toallowheraroomtodiein。
  Iwatchedhersickbedforsomemonths,andthenclosedhereyes,gentlespirit!forever。Shewaspretty,withveryengagingmanners;
  yethadneveranopportunitytomarry,exceptingtoaveryoldman。
  Shehadabilitiessufficienttohaveshoneinanyprofession,hadtherebeenanyprofessionsforwomen,thoughsheshrunkatthenameofmillinerormantua—makerasdegradingtoagentlewoman。Iwouldnottermthisfeelingfalsepridetoanyonebutyou,mychild,whomIfondlyhopetosee(yes;Iwillindulgethehopeforamoment!)possessedofthatenergyofcharacterwhichgivesdignitytoanystation;andwiththatclear,firmspiritthatwillenableyoutochooseasituationforyourself,orsubmittobeclassedinthelowest,ifitbetheonlyoneinwhichyoucanbethemistressofyourownactions。
  "Soonafterthedeathofmysister,anincidentoccurred,toprovetomethattheheartofalibertineisdeadtonaturalaffection;andtoconvinceme,thatthebeingwhohasappearedalltenderness,togratifyaselfishpassion,isasregardlessoftheinnocentfruitofit,asoftheobject,whenthefitisover。
  Ihadcasuallyobservedanold,meanlookingwoman,whocalledonmyhusbandeverytwoorthreemonthstoreceivesomemoney。Onedayenteringthepassageofhislittlecounting—house,asshewasgoingout,Iheardhersay,’Thechildisveryweak;shecannotlivelong,shewillsoondieoutofyourway,soyouneednotgrudgeheralittlephysic。’
  "’Somuchthebetter,’hereplied,’andpraymindyourownbusiness,goodwoman。’
  "Iwasstruckbyhisunfeeling,inhumantoneofvoice,anddrewback,determinedwhenthewomancameagain,totrytospeaktoher,notoutofcuriosity,Ihadheardenough,butwiththehopeofbeingusefultoapoor,outcastgirl。
  "AmonthortwoelapsedbeforeIsawthiswomanagain;andthenshehadachildinherhandthattotteredalong,scarcelyabletosustainherownweight。Theyweregoingaway,toreturnatthehourMr。Venableswasexpected;hewasnowfromhome。Idesiredthewomantowalkintotheparlour。Shehesitated,yetobeyed。
  IassuredherthatIshouldnotmentiontomyhusband(thewordseemedtoweighonmyrespiration),thatIhadseenher,orhischild。Thewomanstaredatmewithastonishment;andIturnedmyeyesonthesqualidobject[thataccompaniedher。]Shecouldhardlysupportherself,hercomplexionwassallow,andhereyesinflamed,withanindescribablelookofcunning,mixedwiththewrinklesproducedbythepeevishnessofpain。
  "Poorchild!’Iexclaimed。’Ah!youmaywellsaypoorchild,’
  repliedthewoman。’Ibroughtherheretoseewhetherhewouldhavethehearttolookather,andnotgetsomeadvice。Idonotknowwhattheydeservewhonursedher。Why,herlegsbentunderherlikeabowwhenshecametome,andshehasneverbeenwellsince;but,iftheywerenobetterpaidthanIam,itisnottobewonderedat,sureenough。’
  "OnfurtherenquiryIwasinformed,thatthismiserablespectaclewasthedaughterofaservant,acountrygirl,whocaughtMr。Venables’eye,andwhomheseduced。Onhismarriagehesentheraway,hersituationbeingtoovisible。Afterherdelivery,shewasthrownonthetown;anddiedinanhospitalwithintheyear。
  Thebabewassenttoaparish—nurse,andafterwardstothiswoman,whodidnotseemmuchbetter;butwhatwastobeexpectedfromsuchaclosebargain?Shewasonlypaidthreeshillingsaweekforboardandwashing。
  "Thewomanbeggedmetogivehersomeoldclothesforthechild,assuringme,thatshewasalmostafraidtoaskmasterformoneytobuyevenapairofshoes。
  "Igrewsickatheart。And,fearingMr。Venablesmightenter,andobligemetoexpressmyabhorrence,Ihastilyenquiredwhereshelived,promisedtopayhertwoshillingsaweekmore,andtocallonherinadayortwo;puttingatrifleintoherhandasaproofofmygoodintention。
  "Ifthestateofthischildaffectedme,whatweremyfeelingsatadiscoveryImaderespectingPeggy——?*
  *Themanuscriptisimperfecthere。Anepisodeseemstohavebeenintended,whichwasnevercommittedtopaper。
  EDITOR。[Godwin’snote]
  CHAPTER1O
  "MYFATHER’Ssituationwasnowsodistressing,thatIprevailedonmyuncletoaccompanymetovisithim;andtolendmehisassistance,topreventthewholepropertyofthefamilyfrombecomingthepreyofmybrother’srapacity;for,toextricatehimselfoutofpresentdifficulties,myfatherwastotallyregardlessoffuturity。Itookdownwithmesomepresentsformystep—mother;itdidnotrequireaneffortformetotreatherwithcivility,ortoforgetthepast。
  "ThiswasthefirsttimeIhadvisitedmynativevillage,sincemymarriage。ButwithwhatdifferentemotionsdidIreturnfromthebusyworld,withaheavyweightofexperiencebenumbingmyimagination,toscenes,thatwhisperedrecollectionsofjoyandhopemosteloquentlytomyheart!Thefirstscentofthewildflowersfromtheheath,thrilledthroughmyveins,awakeningeverysensetopleasure。Theicyhandofdespairseemedtoberemovedfrommybosom;and——forgettingmyhusband——thenurturedvisionsofaromanticmind,burstingonmewithalltheiroriginalwildnessandgayexuberance,wereagainhailedassweetrealities。Iforgot,withequalfacility,thatIeverfeltsorrow,orknewcareinthecountry;whileatransientrainbowstoleathwartthecloudyskyofdespondency。Thepicturesqueformofseveralfavouritetrees,andtheporchesofrudecottages,withtheirsmilinghedges,wererecognizedwiththegladsomeplayfulnessofchildishvivacity。
  Icouldhavekissedthechickensthatpeckedonthecommon;
  andlongedtopatthecows,andfrolicwiththedogsthatsportedonit。Igazedwithdelightonthewindmill,andthoughtitluckythatitshouldbeinmotion,atthemomentIpassedby;andenteringthedeargreenlane,whichleddirectlytothevillage,thesoundofthewell—knownrookerygavethatsentimentaltingetothevaryingsensationsofmyactivesoul,whichonlyservedtoheightenthelustreoftheluxuriantscenery。But,spying,asIadvanced,thespire,peepingoverthewitheredtopsoftheagedelmsthatcomposedtherookery,mythoughtsflewimmediatelytothechurchyard,andtearsofaffection,suchwastheeffectofmyimagination,bedewedmymother’sgrave!Sorrowgaveplacetodevotionalfeelings。
  Iwanderedthroughthechurchinfancy,asIusedsometimestodoonaSaturdayevening。IrecollectedwithwhatfervourIaddressedtheGodofmyyouth:andoncemorewithrapturouslovelookedabovemysorrowstotheFatherofnature。Ipause——feelingforciblyalltheemotionsIamdescribing;and(reminded,asIregistermysorrows,ofthesublimecalmIhavefelt,wheninsometremendoussolitude,mysoulrestedonitself,andseemedtofilltheuniverse)
  Iinsensiblybreathesoft,hushingeverywaywardemotion,asiffearingtosullywithasigh,acontentmentsoextatic。
  "Havingsettledmyfather’saffairs,and,bymyexertionsinhisfavour,mademybrothermyswornfoe,IreturnedtoLondon。
  Myhusband’sconductwasnowchanged;Ihadduringmyabsence,receivedseveralaffectionate,penitentiallettersfromhim;andheseemedonmyarrival,towishbyhisbehaviourtoprovehissincerity。Icouldnotthenconceivewhyheactedthus;and,whenthesuspiciondartedintomyhead,thatitmightarisefromobservingmyincreasinginfluencewithmyuncle,Ialmostdespisedmyselfforimaginingthatsuchadegreeofdebasingselfishnesscouldexist。
  "Hebecame,unaccountableaswasthechange,tenderandattentive;and,attackingmyweakside,madeaconfessionofhisfollies,andlamentedtheembarrassmentsinwhichI,whomeritedafardifferentfate,mightbeinvolved。Hebesoughtmetoaidhimwithmycounsel,praisedmyunderstanding,andappealedtothetendernessofmyheart。
  "Thisconductonlyinspiredmewithcompassion。Iwishedtobehisfriend;butlovehadspreadhisrosypinionsandfledfar,faraway;andhadnot(likesomeexquisiteperfumes,thefinespiritofwhichiscontinuallyminglingwiththeair)leftafragrancebehind,tomarkwherehehadshookhiswings。Myhusband’srenewedcaressesthenbecamehatefultome;hisbrutalitywastolerable,comparedtohisdistastefulfondness。Still,compassion,andthefearofinsultinghissupposedfeelings,byawantofsympathy,mademedissemble,anddoviolencetomydelicacy。Whatatask!
  "ThosewhosupportasystemofwhatItermfalserefinement,andwillnotallowgreatpartofloveinthefemale,aswellasmalebreast,tospringinsomerespectsinvoluntarily,maynotadmitthatcharmsareasnecessarytofeedthepassion,asvirtuestoconvertthemellowingspiritintofriendship。TosuchobserversIhavenothingtosay,anymorethantothemoralists,whoinsistthatwomenoughtto,andcanlovetheirhusbands,becauseitistheirduty。Toyou,mychild,Imayadd,withahearttremblinglyalivetoyourfutureconduct,someobservations,dictatedbymypresentfeelings,oncalmlyreviewingthisperiodofmylife。Whennovelistsormoralistspraiseasavirtue,awoman’scoldnessofconstitution,andwantofpassion;andmakeheryieldtotheardourofherloveroutofsheercompassion,ortopromoteafrigidplanoffuturecomfort,Iamdisgusted。Theymaybegoodwomen,intheordinaryacceptationofthephrase,anddonoharm;buttheyappeartomenottohavethose’finelyfashionednerves,’whichrenderthesensesexquisite。Theymaypossesstenderness;buttheywantthatfireoftheimagination,whichproduces_active_sensibility,and_positive__virtue_。Howdoesthewomandeservetobecharacterized,whomarriesoneman,withaheartandimaginationdevotedtoanother?Isshenotanobjectofpityorcontempt,whenthussacrilegiouslyviolatingthepurityofherownfeelings?Nay,itisasindelicate,whensheisindifferent,unlessshebeconstitutionallyinsensible;thenindeeditisamereaffairofbarter;andIhavenothingtodowiththesecretsoftrade。Yes;
  eagerlyasIwishyoutopossesstruerectitudeofmind,andpurityofaffection,Imustinsistthataheartlessconductisthecontraryofvirtuous。Truthistheonlybasisofvirtue;andwecannot,withoutdepravingourminds,endeavourtopleasealoverorhusband,butinproportionashepleasesus。Men,moreeffectuallytoenslaveus,mayinculcatethispartialmorality,andlosesightofvirtueinsubdividingitintothedutiesofparticularstations;
  butletusnotblushfornaturewithoutacause!
  "Aftertheseremarks,Iamashamedtoown,thatIwaspregnant。
  Thegreatestsacrificeofmyprinciplesinmywholelife,wastheallowingmyhusbandagaintobefamiliarwithmyperson,thoughtothiscruelactofself—denial,whenIwishedtheearthtoopenandswallowme,youoweyourbirth;andItheunutterablepleasureofbeingamother。Therewassomethingofdelicacyinmyhusband’sbridalattentions;butnowhistaintedbreath,pimpledface,andblood—shoteyes,werenotmorerepugnanttomysenses,thanhisgrossmanners,andlovelessfamiliaritytomytaste。
  "Amanwouldonlybeexpectedtomaintain;yes,barelygrantasubsistence,toawomanrenderedodiousbyhabitualintoxication;
  butwhowouldexpecthim,orthinkitpossibletoloveher?Andunless’youth,andgenialyearswereflown,’itwouldbethoughtequallyunreasonabletoinsist,[underpenaltyof]forfeitingalmosteverythingreckonedvaluableinlife,thatheshouldnotloveanother:whilstwoman,weakinreason,impotentinwill,isrequiredtomoralize,sentimentalizeherselftostone,andpineherlifeaway,labouringtoreformherembrutedmate。Hemayevenspendindissipation,andintemperance,theveryintemperancewhichrendershimsohateful,herproperty,andbystintingherexpences,notpermithertobeguileinsociety,awearisome,joylesslife;forovertheirmutualfortuneshehasnopower,itmustallpassthroughhishand。Andifshebeamother,andinthepresentstateofwomen,itisagreatmisfortunetobepreventedfromdischargingtheduties,andcultivatingtheaffectionsofone,whathasshenottoendure?——ButIhavesufferedthetendernessofonetoleadmeintoreflectionsthatIdidnotthinkofmaking,tointerruptmynarrative——yetthefullheartwilloverflow。
  "Mr。Venables’embarrassmentsdidnotnowendearhimtome;
  still,anxioustobefriendhim,Iendeavouredtoprevailonhimtoretrenchhisexpences;buthehadalwayssomeplausibleexcusetogive,tojustifyhisnotfollowingmyadvice。Humanity,compassion,andtheinterestproducedbyahabitoflivingtogether,mademetrytorelieve,andsympathizewithhim;but,whenIrecollectedthatIwasboundtolivewithsuchabeingforever——myheartdiedwithinme;mydesireofimprovementbecamelanguid,andbaleful,corrodingmelancholytookpossessionofmysoul。Marriagehadbastilledmeforlife。Idiscoveredinmyselfacapacityfortheenjoymentofthevariouspleasuresexistenceaffords;yet,fetteredbythepartiallawsofsociety,thisfairglobewastomeanuniversalblank。
  "WhenIexhortedmyhusbandtoeconomy,Ireferredtohimself。
  Iwasobligedtopractisethemostrigid,orcontractdebts,whichIhadtoomuchreasontofearwouldneverbepaid。Idespisedthispaltryprivilegeofawife,whichcanonlybeofusetotheviciousorinconsiderate,anddeterminednottoincreasethetorrentthatwasbearinghimdown。Iwasthenignorantoftheextentofhisfraudulentspeculations,whomIwasboundtohonourandobey。
  "Awomanneglectedbyherhusband,orwhosemannersformastrikingcontrastwithhis,willalwayshavemenonthewatchtosootheandflatterher。Besides,theforlornstateofaneglectedwoman,notdestituteofpersonalcharms,isparticularlyinteresting,androusesthatspeciesofpity,whichissonearakin,iteasilyslidesintolove。Amanoffeelingthinksnotofseducing,heishimselfseducedbyallthenoblestemotionsofhissoul。Hefigurestohimselfallthesacrificesawomanofsensibilitymustmake,andeverysituationinwhichhisimaginationplacesher,toucheshisheart,andfireshispassions。Longingtotaketohisbosomtheshornlamb,andbidthedroopingbudsofhoperevive,benevolencechangesintopassion:andshouldhethendiscoverthatheisbeloved,honourbindshimfast,thoughforeseeingthathemayafterwardsbeobligedtopayseveredamagestotheman,whoneverappearedtovaluehiswife’ssociety,tillhefoundthattherewasachanceofhisbeingindemnifiedforthelossofit。
  "Sucharethepartiallawsenactedbymen;for,onlytolayastressonthedependentstateofawomaninthegrandquestionofthecomfortsarisingfromthepossessionofproperty,sheis[eveninthisarticle]muchmoreinjuredbythelossofthehusband’saffection,thanhebythatofhiswife;yetwhereisshe,condemnedtothesolitudeofadesertedhome,tolookforacompensationfromthewoman,whoseduceshimfromher?Shecannotdriveanunfaithfulhusbandfromhishouse,norseparate,ortear,hischildrenfromhim,howeverculpablehemaybe;andhe,stillthemasterofhisownfate,enjoysthesmilesofaworld,thatwouldbrandherwithinfamy,didshe,seekingconsolation,venturetoretaliate。
  "Theseremarksarenotdictatedbyexperience;butmerelybythecompassionIfeelformanyamiablewomen,the_outlaws_oftheworld。Formyself,neverencouraginganyoftheadvancesthatweremadetome,myloversdroppedoffliketheuntimelyshootsofspring。Ididnotevencoquetwiththem;becauseIfound,onexaminingmyself,Icouldnotcoquetwithamanwithoutlovinghimalittle;andIperceivedthatIshouldnotbeabletostopatthelineofwhataretermed_innocent__freedoms_,didIsufferany。
  Myreservewasthentheconsequenceofdelicacy。Freedomofconducthasemancipatedmanywomen’sminds;butmyconducthasmostrigidlybeengovernedbymyprinciples,tilltheimprovementofmyunderstandinghasenabledmetodiscernthefallacyofprejudicesatwarwithnatureandreason。
  "ShortlyafterthechangeIhavementionedinmyhusband’sconduct,myunclewascompelledbyhisdeclininghealth,toseekthesuccourofamilderclimate,andembarkforLisbon。Helefthiswillinthehandsofafriend,aneminentsolicitor;hehadpreviouslyquestionedmerelativetomysituationandstateofmind,anddeclaredveryfreely,thathecouldplacenorelianceonthestabilityofmyhusband’sprofessions。Hehadbeendeceivedintheunfoldingofhischaracter;henowthoughtitfixedinatrainofactionsthatwouldinevitablyleadtoruinanddisgrace。
  "Theeveningbeforehisdeparture,whichwespentalonetogether,hefoldedmetohisheart,utteringtheendearingappellationof’child。’——Mymorethanfather!whywasInotpermittedtoperformthelastdutiesofone,andsmooththepillowofdeath?
  Heseemedbyhismannertobeconvincedthatheshouldneverseememore;yetrequestedme,mostearnestly,tocometohim,shouldIbeobligedtoleavemyhusband。Hehadbeforeexpressedhissorrowathearingofmypregnancy,havingdeterminedtoprevailonmetoaccompanyhim,tillIinformedhimofthatcircumstance。Heexpressedhimselfunfeignedlysorrythatanynewtieshouldbindmetoamanwhomhethoughtsoincapableofestimatingmyvalue;
  suchwasthekindlanguageofaffection。
  "Imustrepeathisownwords;theymadeanindelibleimpressiononmymind:
  "’Themarriagestateiscertainlythatinwhichwomen,generallyspeaking,canbemostuseful;butIamfarfromthinkingthatawoman,oncemarried,oughttoconsidertheengagementasindissoluble(especiallyiftherebenochildrentorewardherforsacrificingherfeelings)incaseherhusbandmeritsneitherherlove,noresteem。Esteemwilloftensupplytheplaceoflove;andpreventawomanfrombeingwretched,thoughitmaynotmakeherhappy。
  Themagnitudeofasacrificeoughtalwaystobearsomeproportiontotheutilityinview;andforawomantolivewithaman,forwhomshecancherishneitheraffectionnoresteem,orevenbeofanyusetohim,exceptinginthelightofahouse—keeper,isanabjectnessofcondition,theenduringofwhichnoconcurrenceofcircumstancescanevermakeadutyinthesightofGodorjustmen。
  Ifindeedshesubmitstoitmerelytobemaintainedinidleness,shehasnorighttocomplainbitterlyofherfate;ortoact,asapersonofindependentcharactermight,asifshehadatitletodisregardgeneralrules。
  "Butthemisfortuneis,thatmanywomenonlysubmitinappearance,andforfeittheirownrespecttosecuretheirreputationintheworld。Thesituationofawomanseparatedfromherhusband,isundoubtedlyverydifferentfromthatofamanwhohaslefthiswife。He,withlordlydignity,hasshakenofaclog;andtheallowingherfoodandraiment,isthoughtsufficienttosecurehisreputationfromtaint。And,shouldshehavebeeninconsiderate,hewillbecelebratedforhisgenerosityandforbearance。Suchistherespectpaidtothemaster—keyofproperty!Awoman,onthecontrary,resigningwhatistermedhernaturalprotector(thoughheneverwasso,butinname)isdespisedandshunned,forassertingtheindependenceofminddistinctiveofarationalbeing,andspurningatslavery。’
  "Duringtheremainderoftheevening,myuncle’stendernessledhimfrequentlytoreverttothesubject,andutter,withincreasingwarmth,sentimentstothesamepurport。Atlengthitwasnecessarytosay’Farewell!’——andweparted——graciousGod!tomeetnomore。
  CHAPTER11
  "AGENTLEMANoflargefortuneandofpolishedmanners,hadlatelyvisitedveryfrequentlyatourhouse,andtreatedme,ifpossible,withmorerespectthanMr。Venablespaidhim;mypregnancywasnotyetvisible,hissocietywasagreatrelieftome,asIhadforsometimepast,toavoidexpence,confinedmyselfverymuchathome。Ieverdisdainedunnecessary,perhapsevenprudentconcealments;andmyhusband,withgreatease,discoveredtheamountofmyuncle’spartingpresent。Acopyofawritwasthestalepretexttoextortitfromme;andIhadsoonreasontobelievethatitwasfabricatedforthepurpose。Iacknowledgemyfollyinthussufferingmyselftobecontinuallyimposedon。Ihadadheredtomyresolutionnottoapplytomyuncle,onthepartofmyhusband,anymore;yet,whenIhadreceivedasumsufficienttosupplymyownwants,andtoenablemetopursueaplanIhadinview,tosettlemyyoungerbrotherinarespectableemployment,IallowedmyselftobedupedbyMr。Venables’shallowpretences,andhypocriticalprofessions。
  "Thusdidhepillagemeandmyfamily,thusfrustrateallmyplansofusefulness。YetthiswasthemanIwasboundtorespectandesteem:asifrespectandesteemdependedonanarbitrarywillofourown!Butawifebeingasmuchaman’spropertyashishorse,orhisass,shehasnothingshecancallherown。Hemayuseanymeanstogetatwhatthelawconsidersashis,themomenthiswifeisinpossessionofit,eventotheforcingofalock,asMr。
  Venablesdid,tosearchfornotesinmywriting—desk——andallthisisdonewithashowofequity,because,forsooth,heisresponsibleforhermaintenance。
  "Thetendermothercannot_lawfully_snatchfromthegripeofthegamblingspendthrift,orbeastlydrunkard,unmindfulofhisoffspring,thefortunewhichfallstoherbychance;or(soflagrantistheinjustice)whatsheearnsbyherownexertions。No;hecanrobherwithimpunity,eventowastepubliclyonacourtezan;andthelawsofhercountry——ifwomenhaveacountry——affordhernoprotectionorredressfromtheoppressor,unlessshehavethepleaofbodilyfear;yethowmanywaysarethereofgoadingthesoulalmosttomadness,equallyunmanly,thoughnotsomean?Whensuchlawswereframed,shouldnotimpartiallawgivershavefirstdecreed,inthestyleofagreatassembly,whorecognizedtheexistenceofan_etre__supreme_,tofixthenationalbelief,thatthehusbandshouldalwaysbewiserandmorevirtuousthanhiswife,inordertoentitlehim,withashowofjustice,tokeepthisidiot,orperpetualminor,foreverinbondage。ButImusthavedone——
  onthissubject,myindignationcontinuallyrunsawaywithme。
  "ThecompanyofthegentlemanIhavealreadymentioned,whohadageneralacquaintancewithliteratureandsubjectsoftaste,wasgratefultome;mycountenancebrightenedupasheapproached,andIunaffectedlyexpressedthepleasureIfelt。Theamusementhisconversationaffordedme,madeiteasytocomplywithmyhusband’srequest,toendeavourtorenderourhouseagreeabletohim。
  "Hisattentionsbecamemorepointed;but,asIwasnotofthenumberofwomen,whosevirtue,asitistermed,immediatelytakesalarm,Iendeavoured,ratherbyraillerythanseriousexpostulation,togiveadifferentturntohisconversation。Heassumedanewmodeofattack,andIwas,forawhile,thedupeofhispretendedfriendship。
  "Ihad,merelyinthestyleof_badinage_,boastedofmyconquest,andrepeatedhislover—likecomplimentstomyhusband。
  Buthebeggedme,forGod’ssake,nottoaffronthisfriend,orI
  shoulddestroyallhisprojects,andbehisruin。HadIhadmoreaffectionformyhusband,Ishouldhaveexpressedmycontemptofthistime—servingpoliteness:nowIimaginedthatIonlyfeltpity;
  yetitwouldhavepuzzledacasuisttopointoutinwhattheexactdifferenceconsisted。
  "Thisfriendbegannow,inconfidence,todiscovertometherealstateofmyhusband’saffairs。’Necessity,’saidMr。S————;
  whyshouldIrevealhisname?forheaffectedtopalliatetheconducthecouldnotexcuse,’hadledhimtotakesuchsteps,byaccommodationbills,buyinggoodsoncredit,tosellthemforreadymoney,andsimilartransactions,thathischaracterinthecommercialworldwasgone。Hewasconsidered,’headded,loweringhisvoice,’on’Changeasaswindler。’
  "Ifeltatthatmomentthefirstmaternalpang。Awareoftheevilsmysexhavetostrugglewith,Istillwished,formyownconsolation,tobethemotherofadaughter;andIcouldnotbeartothink,thatthe_sins_ofherfather’sentaileddisgrace,shouldbeaddedtotheillstowhichwomanisheir。
  "SocompletelywasIdeceivedbytheseshowsoffriendship(nay,Ibelieve,accordingtohisinterpretation,Mr。S————reallywasmyfriend)thatIbegantoconsulthimrespectingthebestmodeofretrievingmyhusband’scharacter:itisthegoodnameofawomanonlythatsetstorisenomore。Iknewnotthathehadbeendrawnintoawhirlpool,outofwhichhehadnottheenergytoattempttoescape。Heseemedindeeddestituteofthepowerofemployinghisfacultiesinanyregularpursuit。Hisprinciplesofactionweresoloose,andhismindsouncultivated,thateverythinglikeorderappearedtohimintheshapeofrestraint;and,likemeninthesavagestate,herequiredthestrongstimulusofhopeorfear,producedbywildspeculations,inwhichtheinterestsofotherswentfornothing,tokeephisspiritsawake。Heonetimeprofessedpatriotism,butheknewnotwhatitwastofeelhonestindignation;andpretendedtobeanadvocateforliberty,when,withaslittleaffectionforthehumanraceasforindividuals,hethoughtofnothingbuthisowngratification。Hewasjustsuchacitizen,asafather。Thesumsheadroitlyobtainedbyaviolationofthelawsofhiscountry,aswellasthoseofhumanity,hewouldallowamistresstosquander;thoughshewas,withthesame_sang_
  _froid_,consigned,aswerehischildren,topoverty,whenanotherprovedmoreattractive。
  "Onvariouspretences,hisfriendcontinuedtovisitme;and,observingmywantofmoney,hetriedtoinducemetoacceptofpecuniaryaid;butthisofferIabsolutelyrejected,thoughitwasmadewithsuchdelicacy,Icouldnotbedispleased。
  "Onedayhecame,asIthoughtaccidentally,todinner。Myhusbandwasverymuchengagedinbusiness,andquittedtheroomsoonaftertheclothwasremoved。Weconversedasusual,tillconfidentialadviceledagaintolove。Iwasextremelymortified。
  Ihadasincereregardforhim,andhopedthathehadanequalfriendshipforme。Ithereforebeganmildlytoexpostulatewithhim。Thisgentlenesshemistookforcoyencouragement;andhewouldnotbedivertedfromthesubject。Perceivinghismistake,I
  seriouslyaskedhimhow,usingsuchlanguagetome,hecouldprofesstobemyhusband’sfriend?Asignificantsneerexcitedmycuriosity,andhe,supposingthistobemyonlyscruple,tookaletterdeliberatelyoutofhispocket,saying,’Yourhusband’shonourisnotinflexible。Howcouldyou,withyourdiscernment,thinkitso?
  Why,helefttheroomthisverydayonpurposetogivemeanopportunitytoexplainmyself;_he_thoughtmetootimid——tootardy。
  "Isnatchedtheletterwithindescribableemotion。Thepurportofitwastoinvitehimtodinner,andtoridiculehischivalrousrespectforme。Heassuredhim,’thateverywomanhadherprice,and,withgrossindecency,hinted,thatheshouldbegladtohavethedutyofahusbandtakenoffhishands。Thesehetermed_liberal_
  _sentiments_。Headvisedhimnottoshockmyromanticnotions,buttoattackmycredulousgenerosity,andweakpity;andconcludedwithrequestinghimtolendhimfivehundredpoundsforamonthorsixweeks。’Ireadthislettertwiceover;andthefirmpurposeitinspired,calmedtherisingtumultofmysoul。Irosedeliberately,requestedMr。S————towaitamoment,andinstantlygoingintothecounting—house,desiredMr。Venablestoreturnwithmetothedining—parlour。
  "Helaiddownhispen,andenteredwithme,withoutobservinganychangeinmycountenance。Ishutthedoor,and,givinghimtheletter,simplyasked,’whetherhewroteit,orwasitaforgery?’
  "Nothingcouldequalhisconfusion。Hisfriend’seyemethis,andhemutteredsomethingaboutajoke——ButIinterruptedhim——
  ’Itissufficient——Wepartforever。’
  "Icontinued,withsolemnity,’Ihavebornewithyourtyrannyandinfidelities。IdisdaintoutterwhatIhavebornewith。
  Ithoughtyouunprincipled,butnotsodecidedlyvicious。Iformedatie,inthesightofheaven——Ihavehelditsacred;evenwhenmen,moreconformabletomytaste,havemademefeel——Idespiseallsubterfuge!——thatIwasnotdeadtolove。Neglectedbyyou,Ihaveresolutelystifledtheenticingemotions,andrespectedtheplightedfaithyououtraged。Andyoudarenowtoinsultme,bysellingmetoprostitution!——Yes——equallylosttodelicacyandprinciple——youdaredsacrilegiouslytobarterthehonourofthemotherofyourchild。’
  "Then,turningtoMr。S————,Iadded,’Icallonyou,Sir,towitness,’andIliftedmyhandsandeyestoheaven,’that,assolemnlyasItookhisname,Inowabjureit,’Ipulledoffmyring,andputitonthetable;’andthatImeanimmediatelytoquithishouse,nevertoenteritmore。Iwillprovideformyselfandchild。IleavehimasfreeasIamdeterminedtobemyself——
  heshallbeanswerablefornodebtsofmine。’
  "Astonishmentclosedtheirlips,tillMr。Venables,gentlypushinghisfriend,withaforcedsmile,outoftheroom,natureforamomentprevailed,and,appearinglikehimself,heturnedround,burningwithrage,tome:buttherewasnoterrorinthefrown,exceptingwhencontrastedwiththemalignantsmilewhichprecededit。Hebademe’leavethehouseatmyperil;
  toldmehedespisedmythreats;Ihadnoresource;Icouldnotswearthepeaceagainsthim!——Iwasnotafraidofmylife!——
  hehadneverstruckme!’
  "Hethrewtheletterinthefire,whichIhadincautiouslyleftinhishands;and,quittingtheroom,lockedthedooronme。
  "Whenleftalone,IwasamomentortwobeforeIcouldrecollectmyself——Onescenehadsucceededanotherwithsuchrapidity,IalmostdoubtedwhetherIwasreflectingonarealevent。’Wasitpossible?
  WasI,indeed,free?’——Yes;freeItermedmyself,whenIdecidedlyperceivedtheconductIoughttoadopt。HowhadIpantedforliberty——liberty,thatIwouldhavepurchasedatanyprice,butthatofmyownesteem!Irose,andshookmyself;openedthewindow,andmethoughttheairneversmelledsosweet。ThefaceofheavengrewfairerasIviewedit,andthecloudsseemedtoflitawayobedienttomywishes,togivemysoulroomtoexpand。Iwasallsoul,and(wildasitmayappear)feltasifIcouldhavedissolvedinthesoftbalmygalethatkissedmycheek,orhaveglidedbelowthehorizonontheglowing,descendingbeams。Aseraphicsatisfactionanimated,withoutagitatingmyspirits;andmyimaginationcollected,invisionssublimelyterrible,orsoothinglybeautiful,animmensevarietyoftheendlessimages,whichnatureaffords,andfancycombines,ofthegrandandfair。Thelustreofthesebrightpicturesquesketchesfadedwiththesettingsun;butIwasstillalivetothecalmdelighttheyhaddiffusedthroughmyheart。
  "Theremaybeadvocatesformatrimonialobedience,who,makingadistinctionbetweenthedutyofawifeandofahumanbeing,mayblamemyconduct。——TothemIwritenot——myfeelingsarenotforthemtoanalyze;andmayyou,mychild,neverbeabletoascertain,byheart—rendingexperience,whatyourmotherfeltbeforethepresentemancipationofhermind!
  "Ibegantowritealettertomyfather,afterclosingonetomyuncle;nottoaskadvice,buttosignifymydetermination;whenIwasinterruptedbytheentranceofMr。Venables。Hismannerwaschanged。Hisviewsonmyuncle’sfortunemadehimaversetomyquittinghishouse,orhewould,Iamconvinced,havebeengladtohaveshakenoffeventheslightrestraintmypresenceimposedonhim;therestraintofshowingmesomerespect。Sofarfromhavinganaffectionforme,hereallyhatedme,becausehewasconvincedthatImustdespisehim。
  "Hetoldme,that’AsInowhadhadtimetocoolandreflect,hedidnotdoubtbutthatmyprudence,andnicesenseofpropriety,wouldleadmetooverlookwhatwaspassed。’
  "’Reflection,’Ireplied,’hadonlyconfirmedmypurpose,andnopoweronearthcoulddivertmefromit。’
  "Endeavouringtoassumeasoothingvoiceandlook,whenhewouldwillinglyhavetorturedme,toforcemetofeelhispower,hiscountenancehadaninfernalexpression,whenhedesiredme,’Nottoexposemyselftotheservants,byobliginghimtoconfinemeinmyapartment;ifthenIwouldgivemypromisenottoquitthehouseprecipitately,Ishouldbefree——and——。’Ideclared,interruptinghim,’thatIwouldpromisenothing。Ihadnomeasurestokeepwithhim——Iwasresolved,andwouldnotcondescendtosubterfuge。’
  "Hemuttered,’thatIshouldsoonrepentofthesepreposterousairs;’and,orderingteatobecarriedintomylittlestudy,whichhadacommunicationwithmybed—chamber,heoncemorelockedthedooruponme,andleftmetomyownmeditations。Ihadpassivelyfollowedhimupstairs,notwishingtofatiguemyselfwithunavailingexertion。
  "Nothingcalmsthemindlikeafixedpurpose。IfeltasifIhadheavedathousandweightfrommyheart;theatmosphereseemedlightened;and,ifIexecratedtheinstitutionsofsociety,whichthusenablementotyrannizeoverwomen,itwasalmostadisinterestedsentiment。Idisregardedpresentinconveniences,whenmymindhaddonestrugglingwithitself,——whenreasonandinclinationhadshakenhandsandwereatpeace。Ihadnolongerthecrueltaskbeforeme,inendlessperspective,aye,duringthetediousforeveroflife,oflabouringtoovercomemyrepugnance——oflabouringtoextinguishthehopes,themaybesofalivelyimagination。DeathIhadhailedasmyonlychancefordeliverance;but,whileexistencehadstillsomanycharms,andlifepromisedhappiness,Ishrunkfromtheicyarmsofanunknowntyrant,thoughfarmoreinvitingthanthoseoftheman,towhomIsupposedmyselfboundwithoutanyotheralternative;andwascontenttolingeralittlelonger,waitingforIknewnotwhat,ratherthanleave’thewarmprecinctsofthecheerfulday,’andalltheunenjoyedaffectionofmynature。
  "Mypresentsituationgaveanewturntomyreflection;andIwondered(nowthefilmseemedtobewithdrawn,thatobscuredthepiercingsightofreason)howIcould,previouslytothedecidingoutrage,haveconsideredmyselfaseverlastinglyunitedtoviceandfolly!’Hadanevilgeniuscastaspellatmybirth;orademonstalkedoutofchaos,toperplexmyunderstanding,andenchainmywill,withdelusiveprejudices?’
  "Ipursuedthistrainofthinking;itledmeoutofmyself,toexpatiateonthemiserypeculiartomysex。’Arenot,’Ithought,’thedespotsforeverstigmatized,who,inthewantonnessofpower,commandedeventhemostatrociouscriminalstobechainedtodeadbodies?thoughsurelythoselawsaremuchmoreinhuman,whichforgeadamantinefetterstobindmindstogether,thatnevercanmingleinsocialcommunion!Whatindeedcanequalthewretchednessofthatstate,inwhichthereisnoalternative,buttoextinguishtheaffections,orencounterinfamy?’
  CHAPTER12
  "TOWARDSmidnightMr。Venablesenteredmychamber;and,withcalmaudacitypreparingtogotobed,hebadememakehaste,’forthatwasthebestplaceforhusbandsandwivestoendtheirdifferences。
  Hehadbeendrinkingplentifullytoaidhiscourage。
  "Ididnotatfirstdeigntoreply。Butperceivingthatheaffectedtotakemysilenceforconsent,Itoldhimthat,’Ifhewouldnotgotoanotherbed,orallowme,Ishouldsitupinmystudyallnight。’Heattemptedtopullmeintothechamber,halfjoking。ButIresisted;and,ashehaddeterminednottogivemeanyreasonforsayingthatheusedviolence,afterafewmoreefforts,heretired,cursingmyobstinacy,tobed。
  "Isatmusingsometimelonger;then,throwingmycloakaroundme,preparedforsleeponasopha。And,sofortunateseemedmydeliverance,sosacredthepleasureofbeingthuswrappedupinmyself,thatIsleptprofoundly,andwokewithamindcomposedtoencounterthestrugglesoftheday。Mr。Venablesdidnotwaketillsomehoursafter;andthenhecametomehalf—dressed,yawningandstretching,withhaggardeyes,asifhescarcelyrecollectedwhathadpassedtheprecedingevening。Hefixedhiseyesonmeforamoment,then,callingmeafool,asked’HowlongIintendedtocontinuethisprettyfarce?Forhispart,hewasdevilishsickofit;butthiswastheplagueofmarryingwomenwhopretendedtoknowsomething。’
  "Imadenootherreplytothisharangue,thantosay,’Thatheoughttobegladtogetridofawomansounfittobehiscompanion——andthatanychangeinmyconductwouldbemeandissimulation;formaturerreflectiononlygavethesacredsealofreasontomyfirstresolution。’
  "Helookedasifhecouldhavestampedwithimpatience,atbeingobligedtostiflehisrage;but,conqueringhisanger(forweakpeople,whosepassionsseemthemostungovernable,restrainthemwiththegreatestease,whentheyhaveasufficientmotive),heexclaimed,’Verypretty,uponmysoul!verypretty,theatricalflourishes!Pray,fairRoxana,stoopfromyouraltitudes,andrememberthatyouareactingapartinreallife。’
  "Heutteredthisspeechwithaself—satisfiedair,andwentdownstairstodress。
  "Inaboutanhourhecametomeagain;andinthesametonesaid,’Thathecameasmygentleman—ushertohandmedowntobreakfast。
  "’Oftheblackrod?’askedI。
  "Thisquestion,andthetoneinwhichIaskedit,alittledisconcertedhim。Tosaythetruth,Inowfeltnoresentment;myfirmresolutiontofreemyselffrommyignoblethraldom,hadabsorbedthevariousemotionswhich,duringsixyears,hadrackedmysoul。
  Thedutypointedoutbymyprinciplesseemedclear;andnotonetenderfeelingintrudedtomakemeswerve:Thedislikewhichmyhusbandhadinspiredwasstrong;butitonlyledmetowishtoavoid,towishtolethimdropoutofmymemory;therewasnomisery,notorturethatIwouldnotdeliberatelyhavechosen,ratherthanrenewmyleaseofservitude。
  "Duringthebreakfast,heattemptedtoreasonwithmeonthefollyofromanticsentiments;forthiswastheindiscriminateepithethegavetoeverymodeofconductorthinkingsuperiortohisown。Heasserted,’thatalltheworldweregovernedbytheirowninterest;thosewhopretendedtobeactuatedbydifferentmotives,wereonlydeeperknaves,orfoolscrazedbybooks,whotookforgospelalltherodomantadenonsensewrittenbymenwhoknewnothingoftheworld。Forhispart,hethankedGod,hewasnohypocrite;and,ifhestretchedapointsometimes,itwasalwayswithanintentionofpayingeverymanhisown。’
  "Hethenartfullyinsinuated,’thathedailyexpectedavesseltoarrive,asuccessfulspeculation,thatwouldmakehimeasyforthepresent,andthathehadseveralotherschemesactuallydepending,thatcouldnotfail。Hehadnodoubtofbecomingrichinafewyears,thoughhehadbeenthrownbackbysomeunluckyadventuresatthesettingout。’
  "Imildlyreplied,’ThatIwishedhemightnotinvolvehimselfstilldeeper。’
  "HehadnonotionthatIwasgovernedbyadecisionofjudgment,nottobecomparedwithamerespurtofresentment。Heknewnotwhatitwastofeelindignationagainstvice,andoftenboastedofhisplacabletemper,andreadinesstoforgiveinjuries。True;forheonlyconsideredthebeingdeceived,asaneffortofskillhehadnotguardedagainst;andthen,withacantofcandour,wouldobserve,’thathedidnotknowhowhemighthimselfhavebeentemptedtoactinthesamecircumstances。’And,ashisheartneveropenedtofriendship,itneverwaswoundedbydisappointment。
  Everynewacquaintanceheprotested,itistrue,was’thecleverestfellowintheworld;andhereallythoughtso;tillthenoveltyofhisconversationormannersceasedtohaveanyeffectonhissluggishspirits。Hisrespectforrankorfortunewasmorepermanent,thoughhechancedtohavenodesignofavailinghimselfoftheinfluenceofeithertopromotehisownviews。
  "Afteraprefatoryconversation,——myblood(Ithoughtithadbeencooler)flushedovermywholecountenanceashespoke——healludedtomysituation。Hedesiredmetoreflect——’andactlikeaprudentwoman,asthebestproofofmysuperiorunderstanding;
  forhemustownIhadsense,didIknowhowtouseit。Iwasnot,’
  helaidastressonhiswords,’withoutmypassions;andahusbandwasaconvenientcloke。——Hewasliberalinhiswayofthinking;
  andwhymightnotwe,likemanyothermarriedpeople,whowereabovevulgarprejudices,tacitlyconsenttoleteachotherfollowtheirowninclination?——Hemeantnothingmore,intheletterImadethegroundofcomplaint;andthepleasurewhichIseemedtotakeinMr。S。’scompany,ledhimtoconclude,thathewasnotdisagreeabletome。’
  "Aclerkbroughtinthelettersoftheday,andI,asIoftendid,whilehewasdiscussingsubjectsofbusiness,wenttothe_piano__forte_,andbegantoplayafavouriteairtorestoremyself,asitwere,tonature,anddrivethesophisticatedsentimentsIhadjustbeenobligedtolistento,outofmysoul。
  "TheyhadexcitedsensationssimilartothoseIhavefelt,inviewingthesqualidinhabitantsofsomeofthelanesandbackstreetsofthemetropolis,mortifiedatbeingcompelledtoconsiderthemasmyfellow—creatures,asifanapehadclaimedkindredwithme。Or,aswhensurroundedbyamephiticalfog,Ihavewishedtohaveavolleyofcannonfired,tocleartheincumberedatmosphere,andgivemeroomtobreatheandmove。
  "Myspiritswereallinarms,andIplayedakindofextemporaryprelude。Thecadencewasprobablywildandimpassioned,while,lostinthought,Imadethesoundsakindofechotomytrainofthinking。
  "Pausingforamoment,ImetMr。Venables’eyes。Hewasobservingmewithanairofconceitedsatisfaction,asmuchastosay——’Mylastinsinuationhasdonethebusiness——shebeginstoknowherowninterest。’Thengatheringuphisletters,hesaid,’Thathehopedheshouldhearnomoreromanticstuff,wellenoughinamissjustcomefromboardingschool;’andwent,aswashiscustom,tothecounting—house。Istillcontinuedplaying;and,turningtoasprightlylesson,Iexecuteditwithuncommonvivacity。Iheardfootstepsapproachthedoor,andwassoonconvincedthatMr。Venableswaslistening;theconsciousnessonlygavemoreanimationtomyfingers。Hewentdownintothekitchen,andthecook,probablybyhisdesire,cametome,toknowwhatIwouldpleasetoorderfordinner。Mr。Venablescameintotheparlouragain,withapparentcarelessness。Iperceivedthatthecunningmanwasoverreachinghimself;andIgavemydirectionsasusual,andlefttheroom。
  "WhileIwasmakingsomealterationinmydress,Mr。Venablespeepedin,and,beggingmypardonforinterruptingme,disappeared。
  Itookupsomework(Icouldnotread),andtwoorthreemessagesweresenttome,probablyfornootherpurpose,buttoenableMr。
  VenablestoascertainwhatIwasabout。
  "IlistenedwheneverIheardthestreet—dooropen;atlastI
  imaginedIcoulddistinguishMr。Venables’step,goingout。Ilaidasidemywork;myheartpalpitated;stillIwasafraidhastilytoenquire;andIwaitedalonghalfhour,beforeIventuredtoasktheboywhetherhismasterwasinthecounting—house?
  "Beingansweredinthenegative,Ibadehimcallmeacoach,andcollectingafewnecessarieshastilytogether,withalittleparceloflettersandpaperswhichIhadcollectedtheprecedingevening,Ihurriedintoit,desiringthecoachmantodrivetoadistantpartofthetown。
  "IalmostfearedthatthecoachwouldbreakdownbeforeIgotoutofthestreet;and,whenIturnedthecorner,Iseemedtobreatheafreerair。IwasreadytoimaginethatIwasrisingabovethethickatmosphereofearth;orIfelt,asweariedsoulsmightbesupposedtofeelonenteringanotherstateofexistence。
  "Istoppedatoneortwostandsofcoachestoeludepursuit,andthendroveroundtheskirtsofthetowntoseekforanobscurelodging,whereIwishedtoremainconcealed,tillIcouldavailmyselfofmyuncle’sprotection。Ihadresolvedtoassumemyownnameimmediately,andopenlytoavowmydetermination,withoutanyformalvindication,themomentIhadfoundahome,inwhichIcouldrestfreefromthedailyalarmofexpectingtoseeMr。Venablesenter。
  "Ilookedatseverallodgings;butfindingthatIcouldnot,withoutareferencetosomeacquaintance,whomightinformmytyrant,getadmittanceintoadecentapartment——menhavenotallthistrouble——IthoughtofawomanwhomIhadassistedtofurnishalittlehaberdasher’sshop,andwhoIknewhadafirstfloortolet。
  "Iwenttoher,andthoughIcouldnotpersuadeher,thatthequarrelbetweenmeandMr。Venableswouldneverbemadeup,stillsheagreedtoconcealmeforthepresent;yetassuringmeatthesametime,shakingherhead,that,whenawomanwasoncemarried,shemustbeareverything。Herpaleface,onwhichappearedathousandhaggardlinesanddelvingwrinkles,producedbywhatisemphaticallytermedfretting,inforcedherremark;andIhadafterwardsanopportunityofobservingthetreatmentshehadtoendure,whichgrizzledherintopatience。Shetoiledfrommorningtillnight;yetherhusbandwouldrobthetill,andtakeawaythemoneyreservedforpayingbills;and,returninghomedrunk,hewouldbeatherifshechancedtooffendhim,thoughshehadachildatthebreast。
  "Thesescenesawokemeatnight;and,inthemorning,Iheardher,asusual,talktoherdearJohnny——he,forsooth,washermaster;noslaveintheWestIndieshadonemoredespotic;
  butfortunatelyshewasofthetrueRussianbreedofwives。
  "Mymind,duringthefewpastdays,seemed,asitwere,disengagedfrommybody;but,nowthestrugglewasover,Ifeltveryforciblytheeffectwhichperturbationofspiritsproducesonawomaninmysituation。
  "Theapprehensionofamiscarriage,obligedmetoconfinemyselftomyapartmentnearafortnight;butIwrotetomyuncle’sfriendformoney,promising’tocallonhim,andexplainmysituation,whenIwaswellenoughtogoout;meantimeIearnestlyintreatedhim,nottomentionmyplaceofabodetoanyone,lestmyhusband——suchthelawconsideredhim——shoulddisturbthemindhecouldnotconquer。ImentionedmyintentionofsettingoutforLisbon,toclaimmyuncle’sprotection,themomentmyhealthwouldpermit。’
  "Thetranquillityhowever,whichIwasrecovering,wassooninterrupted。Mylandladycameuptomeoneday,witheyesswollenwithweeping,unabletoutterwhatshewascommandedtosay。Shedeclared,’Thatshewasneversomiserableinherlife;thatshemustappearanungratefulmonster;andthatshewouldreadilygodownonherkneestome,tointreatmetoforgiveher,asshehaddonetoherhusbandtospareherthecrueltask。’Sobspreventedherfromproceeding,oransweringmyimpatientenquiries,toknowwhatshemeant。
  "Whenshebecamealittlemorecomposed,shetookanewspaperoutofherpocket,declaring,’thatherheartsmoteher,butwhatcouldshedo?——shemustobeyherhusband。’Isnatchedthepaperfromher。Anadvertisementquicklymetmyeye,purporting,that’MariaVenableshad,withoutanyassignablecause,abscondedfromherhusband;andanypersonharbouringher,wasmenacedwiththeutmostseverityofthelaw。’
  "PerfectlyacquaintedwithMr。Venables’meannessofsoul,thisstepdidnotexcitemysurprise,andscarcelymycontempt。