"ThesedeservedpunishmentsdidnotatallalterCaptainMacshane’sdisposition;andonthe17thofFebruarylast,hestoppedtheBavarianEnvoy’scoachonBlackheath,comingfromDover,androbbedhisExcellencyandhischaplain;takingfromtheformerhismoney,watches,star,afur—cloak,hissword(averyvaluableone);andfromthelatteraRomishmissal,outofwhichhewasthenreading,andacase—bottle。"
"TheBavarianEnvoy!"saidTomparenthetically。"Mymaster,Beinkleider,washisLordship’sregimentaltailorinGermany,andisnowmakingaCourtsuitforhim。Itwillbeamatterofahundredpoundstohim,Iwarrant。"
DoctorWoodresumedhisreading。"Hum——hum!ARomishmissal,outofwhichhewasreading,andacase—bottle。
"BymeansofthefamousMr。Wild,thisnotoriouscriminalwasbroughttojustice,andthecase—bottleandmissalhavebeenrestoredtoFatherO’Flaherty。
"DuringhisconfinementinNewgate,Mr。Macshanecouldnotbebroughttoexpressanycontritionforhiscrimes,exceptthatofhavingkilledhiscommandingofficer。ForthisWoodhepretendedanexcessivesorrow,andvowedthatusquebaughhadbeenthecauseofhisdeath,——indeed,inprisonhepartookofnootherliquor,anddrunkabottleofitonthedaybeforehisdeath。
"Hewasvisitedbyseveraloftheclergyandgentryinhiscell;
amongothers,bythePopishpriestwhomhehadrobbed,FatherO’FIaherty,beforementioned,whoattendedhimlikewiseinhislastmoments(ifthatidolatrousworshipmaybecalledattention),andlikewisebytheFather’spatron,theBavarianAmbassador,hisExcellencyCountMaximiliandeGalgenstein。"
AsoldWoodcametothesewords,hepausedtogivethemutterance。
"What!Max?"screamedMrs。Hayes,lettingherink—bottlefalloverherledgers。
"Why,behangedifitben’tmyfather!"saidMr。Billings。
"Yourfather,sureenough,unlesstherebeothersofhisname,andunlessthescoundrelishanged,"saidtheDoctor——sinkinghisvoice,however,attheendofthesentence。
Mr。Billingsbrokehispipeinanagonyofjoy。"Ithinkwe’llhavethecoachnow,Mother,"sayshe;"andI’mblessedifPollyBriggsshallnotlookasfineasaduchess。"
"PollyBriggsisalowslut,Tom,andnotfitforthelikesofyou,hisExcellency’sson。Oh,fie!Youmustbeagentlemannow,sirrah;andIdoubtwhetherIshan’ttakeyouawayfromthatodioustailor’sshopaltogether。"
TothispropositionMr。Billingsobjectedaltogether;for,besidesMrs。Briggsbeforealludedto,theyounggentlemanwasmuchattachedtohismaster’sdaughter,Mrs。MargaretGretel,orGretchenBeinkleider。
"No,"sayshe。"Therewillbetimetothinkofthathereafter,ma’am。Ifmypamakesamanofme,why,ofcourse,theshopmaygotothedeuce,forwhatIcare;butwehadbetterwait,lookyou,forsomethingcertainbeforewegiveupsuchaprettybirdinthehandasthis。"
"HespeakslikeSolomon,"saidtheDoctor。
"Ialwayssaidhewouldbeacredittohisoldmother,didn’tI,Brock?"criedMrs。Cat,embracinghersonveryaffectionately。"A
credittoher;ay,Iwarrant,arealblessing!Anddostthouwantanymoney,Tom?foralord’ssonmustnotgoaboutwithoutafewpiecesinhispocket。AndItellthee,Tommy,thoumustgoandseehisLordship;andthoushalthaveapieceofbrocadeforawaistcoat,thoushalt;ay,andthesilver—hiltedswordItoldtheeof;butoh,Tommy,Tommy!haveacare,anddon’tbea—drawingofitinnaughtycompanyatthegaming—houses,oratthe——"
"Adrawingoffiddlesticks,Mother!IfIgotoseemyfather,I
musthaveareasonforit;andinsteadofgoingwithaswordinmyhand,Ishalltakesomethingelseinit。"
"TheladISaladofnous,"criedDoctorWood,"althoughhismotherdoesspoilhimsocruelly。Lookyou,MadamCat:didyounothearwhathesaidaboutBeinkleiderandtheclothes?TommywilljustwaitontheCountwithhisLordship’sbreeches。Amanmaylearnadealofnewsinthetryingonofapairofbreeches。"
Andsoitwasagreedthatinthismannerthesonshouldatfirstmakehisappearancebeforehisfather。Mrs。Catgavehimthepieceofbrocade,which,inthecourseoftheday,wasfashionedintoasmartwaistcoat(forBeinkleider’sshopwascloseby,inCavendishSquare)。Mrs。Gretel,withmanyblushes,tiedafineblueribandroundhisneck;and,inapairofsilkstockings,withgoldbucklestohisshoes,MasterBillingslookedaveryproperyounggentleman。
"And,Tommy,"saidhismother,blushingandhesitating,"shouldMax——shouldhisLordshipaskafteryour——wanttoknowifyourmotherisalive,youcansaysheis,andwell,andoftentalksofoldtimes。And,Tommy"(afteranotherpause),"youneedn’tsayanythingaboutMr。Hayes;onlysayI’mquitewell。"
Mrs。Hayeslookedathimashemarcheddownthestreet,alonglongway。Tomwasproudandgayinhisnewcostume,andwasnotunlikehisfather。Asshelooked,lo!OxfordStreetdisappeared,andshesawagreencommon,andavillage,andalittleinn。Therewasasoldierleadingapairofhorsesaboutonthegreencommon;andintheinnsatacavalier,soyoung,somerry,sobeautiful!Oh,whatslimwhitehandshehad;andwinningwords,andtender,gentleblueeyes!Wasitnotanhonourtoacountrylassthatsuchanoblegentlemanshouldlookatherforamoment?Hadhenotsomecharmabouthimthatshemustneedsobeywhenhewhisperedinherear,"Come,followme!"Asshewalkedtowardsthelanethatmorning,howwellsherememberedeachspotasshepassedit,andthelookitworeforthelasttime!Howthesmokewasrisingfromthepastures,howthefishwerejumpingandplashinginthemill—stream!Therewasthechurch,withallitswindowslightedupwithgold,andyonderwerethereaperssweepingdownthebrowncorn。Shetriedtosingasshewentupthehill——whatwasit?Shecouldnotremember;butoh,howwellsherememberedthesoundofthehorse’shoofs,astheycamequicker,quicker——nearer,nearer!Hownoblehelookedonhisgreathorse!Washethinkingofher,orweretheyallsillywordswhichhespokelastnight,merelytopassawaythetimeanddeceivepoorgirlswith?Wouldherememberthem,——wouldhe?
"Catmydear,"herecriedMr。Brock,aliasCaptain,aliasDoctorWood,"here’sthemeata—gettingcold,andIamlongingformybreakfast。"
Astheywentinhelookedherhardintheface。"What,stillatit,yousillygirl?I’vebeenwatchingyouthesefiveminutes,Cat;andbehangedbutIthinkawordfromGalgenstein,andyouwouldfollowhimasaflydoesatreacle—pot!"
Theywentintobreakfast;butthoughtherewasahotshoulderofmuttonandonion—sauce——Mrs。Catherine’sfavouritedish——shenevertouchedamorselofit。
InthemeanwhileMr。ThomasBillings,inhisnewclotheswhichhismammahadgivenhim,inhisnewribandwhichthefairMissBeinkleiderhadtiedroundhisneck,andhavinghisExcellency’sbreecheswrappedinasilkhandkerchiefinhisrighthand,turneddowninthedirectionofWhitehall,wheretheBavarianEnvoylodged。
But,beforehewaitedonhim,Mr。Billings,beingexcessivelypleasedwithhispersonalappearance,madeanearlyvisittoMrs。
Briggs,wholivedintheneighbourhoodofSwallowStreet;andwho,afterexpressingherselfwithmuchenthusiasmregardingherTommy’sgoodlooks,immediatelyaskedhimwhathewouldstandtodrink?
Raspberryginbeingsuggested,apintofthatliquorwassentfor;
andsogreatwastheconfidenceandintimacysubsistingbetweenthesetwoyoungpeople,thatthereaderwillbegladtohearthatMrs。PollyacceptedeveryshillingofthemoneywhichTomBillingshadreceivedfromhismammathedaybefore;nay,couldwithdifficultybepreventedfromseizinguponthecut—velvetbreecheswhichhewascarryingtothenoblemanforwhomtheyweremade。
HavingpaidhisadieuxtoMrs。Polly,Mr。Billingsdepartedtovisithisfather。
CHAPTERIX。INTERVIEWBETWEENCOUNTGALGENSTEINANDMASTERTHOMAS
BILLINGS,WHENHEINFORMSTHECOUNTOFHISPARENTAGE。
Idon’tknowinallthismiserableworldamoremiserablespectaclethanthatofayoungfellowoffiveorsixandforty。TheBritisharmy,thatnurseryofvalour,turnsoutmanyoftheyoungfellowsI
mean:who,havingflauntedindragoonuniformsfromseventeentosix—and—thirty;havingbought,sold,orswappedduringthatperiodsometwohundredhorses;havingplayed,say,fifteenthousandgamesatbilliards;havingdrunksomesixthousandbottlesofwine;havingconsumedareasonablenumberofNugeecoats,splitmanydozenpairsofhigh—heeledHobyboots,andreadthenewspaperandthearmy—listduly,retirefromtheservicewhentheyhaveattainedtheireighthlustre,andsaunterthroughtheworld,trailingfromLondontoCheltenham,andfromBoulognetoParis,andfromParistoBaden,theiridleness,theirill—health,andtheirennui。"Inthemorningofyouth,"andwhenseenalongwithwholetroopsoftheircompanions,theseflowerslookgaudyandbrilliantenough;butthereisnoobjectmoredismalthanoneofthemalone,andinitsautumnal,orseedystate。Myfriend,CaptainPopjoy,isonewhohasarrivedatthiscondition,andwhomeverybodyknowsbyhistitleofFatherPop。Akinder,simpler,moreempty—headedfellowdoesnotexist。Heisforty—sevenyearsold,andappearsayoung,good—lookingmanofsixty。AtthetimeoftheArmyofOccupationhereallywasasgood—lookingamanasanyintheDragoons。Henowusesallsortsofstratagemstocoverthebaldplaceonhishead,bycombingcertainthingreysidelocksoverit。Hehas,inrevenge,apairofenormousmoustaches,whichhedyesoftherichestblue—black。Hisnoseisagooddeallargerandredderthanitusedtobe;hiseyelidshavegrownflatandheavy;andalittlepairofred,wateryeyeballsfloatinthemidstofthem:itseemsasifthelightwhichwasonceinthosesicklygreenpupilshadextravasatedintothewhitepartoftheeye。IfPop’slegsarenotsofirmandmuscularastheyusedtobeinthosedayswhenhetooksuchleapsintoWhite’sbuckskins,inrevengehiswaistismuchlarger。Hewearsaverygoodcoat,however,andawaistband,whichheletsoutafterdinner。Beforeladiesheblushes,andisassilentasaschoolboy。Hecallsthem"modestwomen。"Hissocietyischieflyamongyoungladsbelongingtohisformerprofession。Heknowsthebestwinetobehadateachtavernorcafe,andthewaiterstreathimwithmuchrespectfulfamiliarity。Heknowsthenamesofeveryoneofthem;andshoutsout,"SendMarkwellhere!"or,"TellCuttrisstogiveusabottleoftheyellowseal!"or,"Dizzyvoo,MonsureBorrel,noodonnyshampangfrappy,"etc。Healwaysmakesthesaladorthepunch,anddinesoutthreehundreddaysintheyear:theotherdaysyouseehiminatwo—franceating—houseatParis,orprowlingaboutRupertStreet,orSt。Martin’sCourt,whereyougetacapitalcutofmeatforeightpence。Hehasdecentlodgingsandscrupulouslycleanlinen;hisanimalfunctionsarestilltolerablywellpreserved,hisspiritualhaveevaporatedlongsince;hesleepswell,hasnoconscience,believeshimselftobearespectablefellow,andistolerablyhappyonthedayswhenheisaskedouttodinner。
PoorPopisnotveryhighinthescaleofcreatedbeings;but,ifyoufancythereisnonelower,youareinegregiouserror。Therewasonceamanwhohadamysteriousexhibitionofananimal,quiteunknowntonaturalists,called"thewusser。"Thosecuriousindividualswhodesiredtoseethewusserwereintroducedintoanapartmentwhereappearedbeforethemnothingmorethanalittleleanshrivelledhideousblear—eyedmangypig。Everyonecriedout"Swindle!"and"Shame!""Patience,gentlemen,beheasy,"saidtheshowman:"lookatthattherehanimal;it’saperfectphenomalyofhugliness:Iengageyouneverseesuchapig。"Nobodyeverhadseen。"Now,gentlemen,"saidhe,"I’llkeepmypromise,hasperbill;andbadasthattherepigis,lookatthishere"(heshowedanother)。"Lookatthishere,andyou’llseeatoncethatit’sA
WUSSER。"InlikemannerthePopjoybreedisbadenough,butitservesonlytoshowofftheGalgensteinrace;whichisWUSSER。
Galgensteinhadledaverygaylife,asthesayingis,forthelastfifteenyears;suchagayone,thathehadlostallcapacityofenjoymentbythistime,andonlypossessedinclinationswithoutpowersofgratifyingthem。Hehadgrowntobeexquisitelycuriousandfastidiousaboutmeatanddrink,forinstance,andallthathewantedwasanappetite。HecarriedaboutwithhimaFrenchcook,whocouldnotmakehimeat;adoctor,whocouldnotmakehimwell;amistress,ofwhomhewasheartilysickaftertwodays;apriest,whohadbeenafavouriteoftheexemplaryDubois,andbyturnsusedtoticklehimbytheimpositionofpenance,orbytherepetitionofatalefromtherecueilofNoce,orLaFare。Allhisappetiteswerewastedandworn;onlysomemonstrositywouldgalvanisethemintomomentaryaction。Hewasinthateffetestatetowhichmanynoblemenofhistimehadarrived;whowerereadytobelieveinghost—raisingoringold—making,ortoretireintomonasteriesandwearhair—shirts,ortodabbleinconspiracies,ortodieinlovewithlittlecook—maidsoffifteen,ortopineforthesmilesoratthefrownsofaprinceoftheblood,ortogomadattherefusalofachamberlain’skey。ThelastgratificationherememberedtohaveenjoyedwasthatofridingbareheadedinasoakingrainforthreehoursbythesideofhisGrandDuke’smistress’scoach;takingthepasofCountKrahwinkel,whochallengedhim,andwasrunthroughthebodyforthisverydispute。Galgensteingainedarheumaticgoutbyit,whichputhimtotorturesformanymonths;andwasfurthergratifiedwiththepostofEnglishEnvoy。Hehadafortune,heaskednosalary,andcouldlooktheenvoyverywell。FatherO’Flahertydidalltheduties,andfurthermoreactedasaspyovertheambassador——asinecurepost,forthemanhadnofeelings,wishes,oropinions——absolutelynone。
"Uponmylife,father,"saidthisworthyman,"Icarefornothing。
YouhavebeentalkingforanhourabouttheRegent’sdeath,andtheDuchessofPhalaris,andslyoldFleury,andwhatnot;andIcarejustasmuchasifyoutoldmethatoneofmybauersatGalgensteinhadkilledapig;orasifmylacquey,LaRoseyonder,hadmadelovetomymistress。"
"Hedoes!"saidthereverendgentleman。
"Ah,Monsieurl’Abbe!"saidLaRose,whowasarranginghismaster’senormousCourtperiwig,"youare,helas!wrong。MonsieurleComtewillnotbeangryatmysayingthatIwishtheaccusationweretrue。"
TheCountdidnottaketheslightestnoticeofLaRose’swit,butcontinuedhisowncomplaints。
"Itellyou,Abbe,Icarefornothing。Ilostathousandguineast’othernightatbasset;IwishtomyheartIcouldhavebeenvexedaboutit。Egad!Irememberthedaywhentoloseahundredmademehalfmadforamonth。Well,nextdayIhadmyrevengeatdice,andthrewthirteenmains。Therewassomedelay;acallforfreshbones,Ithink;andwouldyoubelieveit?——Ifellasleepwiththeboxinmyhand!"
"Adesperatecase,indeed,"saidtheAbbe。
"IfithadnotbeenforKrahwinkel,Ishouldhavebeenadeadman,that’spositive。Thatpinkinghimsavedme。"
"Imakenodoubtofit,"saidtheAbbe。"HadyourExcellencynotrunhimthrough,he,withoutadoubt,wouldhavedonethesameforyou。"
"Psha!youmistakemywords,Monsieurl’Abbe"(yawning)。"I
mean——whatcursedchocolate!——thatIwasdyingforwantofexcitement。NotthatIcaredfordying;no,d————meifIdo!"
"WHENyoudo,yourExcellencymeans,"saidtheAbbe,afatgrey—hairedIrishman,fromtheIrlandoisCollegeatParis。
HisExcellencydidnotlaugh,norunderstandjokesofanykind;hewasofanundeviatingstupidity,andonlyreplied,"Sir,ImeanwhatIsay。Idon’tcareforliving:no,norfordyingeither;butI
canspeakaswellasanother,andI’llthankyounottobecorrectingmyphrasesasifIwereoneofyourcursedschoolboys,andnotagentlemanoffortuneandblood。"
HerewiththeCount,whohadutteredfoursentencesabouthimself(heneverspokeofanythingelse),sunkbackonhispillowsagain,quiteexhaustedbyhiseloquence。TheAbbe,whohadaseatandatablebythebedside,resumedthelabourswhichhadbroughthimintotheroominthemorning,andbusiedhimselfwithpapers,whichoccasionallyhehandedovertohissuperiorforapproval。
PresentlyMonsieurlaRoseappeared。
"HereisapersonwithclothesfromMr。Beinkleider’s。WillyourExcellencyseehim,orshallIbidhimleavetheclothes?"
TheCountwasverymuchfatiguedbythistime;hehadsignedthreepapers,andreadthefirsthalf—a—dozenlinesofapairofthem。
"Bidthefellowcomein,LaRose;and,harkye,givememywig:onemustshowone’sselftobeagentlemanbeforethesescoundrels。"
Andhethereforemountedalargechestnut—coloured,orange—scentedpyramidofhorsehair,whichwastoawethenew—comer。
Hewasaladofaboutseventeen,inasmartwaistcoatandablueriband:ourfriendTomBillings,indeed。HecarriedunderhisarmtheCount’sdestinedbreeches。Hedidnotseemintheleastawed,however,byhisExcellency’sappearance,butlookedathimwithagreatdegreeofcuriosityandboldness。Inthesamemannerhesurveyedthechaplain,andthennoddedtohimwithakindlookofrecognition。
"WherehaveIseenthelad?"saidthefather。"Oh,Ihaveit!Mygoodfriend,youwereatthehangingyesterday,Ithink?"
Mr。Billingsgaveaverysignificantnodwithhishead。"Inevermiss,"saidhe。
"WhatayoungTurk!Andpray,sir,doyougoforpleasure,orforbusiness?"
"Business!whatdoyoumeanbybusiness?"
"Oh,Ididnotknowwhetheryoumightbebroughtuptothetrade,oryourrelationsbeundergoingtheoperation。"
"Myrelations,"saidMr。Billings,proudly,andstaringtheCountfullintheface,"wasnotmadefornosuchthing。I’matailornow,butI’magentleman’sson:asgoodaman,ay,ashislordshipthere:forYOUa’n’thislordship——you’rethePopishpriestyouare;andwewereveryneargivingyouatouchofafewProtestantstones,master。"
TheCountbegantobealittleamused:hewaspleasedtoseetheAbbelookalarmed,orevenfoolish。
"Egad,Abbe,"saidhe,"youturnaswhiteasasheet。"
"Idon’tfancybeingmurdered,myLord,"saidtheAbbe,hastily;
"andmurderedforagoodwork。ItwasbuttobeusefultoyonderpoorIrishman,whosavedmeasaprisonerinFlanders,whenMarlboroughwouldhavehungmeuplikepoorMacshanehimselfwasyesterday。"
"Ah!"saidtheCount,burstingoutwithsomeenergy,"Iwasthinkingwhothefellowcouldbe,eversinceherobbedmeontheHeath。I
recollectthescoundrelnow:hewasasecondinaduelIhadhereintheyearsix。"
"AlongwithMajorWood,behindMontagueHouse,"saidMr。Billings。
"I’VEheardonit。"Andherehelookedmoreknowingthanever。
"YOU!"criedtheCount,moreandmoresurprised。"AndpraywhothedevilAREyou?"
"Myname’sBillings。"
"Billings?"saidtheCount。
"IcomeoutofWarwickshire,"saidMr。Billings。
"Indeed!"
"IwasbornatBirminghamtown。"
"Wereyou,really!"
"Mymother’snamewasHayes,"continuedBillings,inasolemnvoice。
"IwasputouttoanursealongwithJohnBillings,ablacksmith;
andmyfatherrunaway。NOWdoyouknowwhoIam?"
"Why,uponhonour,now,"saidtheCount,whowasamused,——"uponhonour,Mr。Billings,Ihavenotthatadvantage。"
"Well,then,myLord,YOU’REMYFATHER!"
Mr。BillingswhenhesaidthiscameforwardtotheCountwithatheatricalair;and,flingingdownthebreechesofwhichhewasthebearer,heldouthisarmsandstared,havingverylittledoubtbutthathisLordshipwouldforthwithspringoutofbedandhughimtohisheart。Asimilarpieceofnaivetemanyfathersoffamilieshave,Ihavenodoubt,remarkedintheirchildren;who,notcaringfortheirparentsasingledoit,conceive,nevertheless,thatthelatterareboundtoshowallsortsofaffectionforthem。Hislordshipdidmove,butbackwardstowardsthewall,andbeganpullingatthebell—ropewithanexpressionofthemostintensealarm。
"Keepback,sirrah!——keepback!SupposeIAMyourfather,doyouwanttomurderme?Goodheavens!howtheboysmellsofginandtobacco!Don’tturnaway,mylad;sitdownthereataproperdistance。And,LaRose,givehimsomeeau—de—Cologne,andgetacupofcoffee。Well,now,goonwithyourstory。Egad,mydearAbbe,I
thinkitisverylikelythatwhattheladsaysistrue。"
"Ifitisafamilyconversation,"saidtheAbbe,"Ihadbetterleaveyou。"
"Oh,forHeaven’ssake,no!Icouldnotstandtheboyalone。Now,Misterah!——What’s—your—name?Havethegoodnesstotellyourstory。"
Mr。Billingswaswoefullydisconcerted;forhismotherandhehadagreedthatassoonashisfathersawhimhewouldberecognisedatonce,and,mayhap,madeheirtotheestatesandtitle;inwhichbeingdisappointed,heverysulkilywentonwithhisnarrative,anddetailedmanyofthoseeventswithwhichthereaderhasalreadybeenmadeacquainted。TheCountaskedtheboy’smother’sChristianname,andbeingtoldit,hismemoryatoncereturnedtohim。
"What!areyoulittleCat’sson?"saidhisExcellency。"Byheavens,moncherAbbe,acharmingcreature,butatigress——positivelyatigress。Irecollectthewholeaffairnow。She’salittlefreshblack—hairedwoman,a’n’tshe?withasharpnoseandthickeyebrows,ay?Ahyes,yes!"wentonmyLord,"Irecollecther,Irecollecther。ItwasatBirminghamIfirstmether:shewasmyLadyTrippet’swoman,wasn’tshe?"
"Shewasnosuchthing,"saidMr。Billings,hotly。"Herauntkeptthe’BugleInn’onWalthamGreen,andyourLordshipseducedher。"
"Seducedher!Oh,’gad,soIdid。Stapme,now,Idid。Yes,I
madeherjumponmyblackhorse,andboreherofflike——likeAeneasborehiswifeawayfromthesiegeofRome!hey,l’Abbe?"
"Theeventswerepreciselysimilar,"saidtheAbbe。"Itiswonderfulwhatamemoryyouhave!"
"Iwasalwaysremarkableforit,"continuedhisExcellency。"Well,wherewasI,——attheblackhorse?Yes,attheblackhorse。Well,I
mountedherontheblackhorse,androdeherencroupe,egad——ha,ha!——toBirmingham;andtherewebilledandcooedtogetherlikeapairofturtle—doves:yes——ha!——thatwedid!"
"Andthis,Isuppose,istheendofsomeoftheBILLINGS?"saidtheAbbe,pointingtoMr。Tom。
"Billings!whatdoyoumean?Yes——oh——ah——apun,acalembourg。Fidonc,M。l’Abbe。"Andthen,afterthewontofverystupidpeople,M。deGalgensteinwentontoexplaintotheAbbehisownpun。
"Well,buttoproceed,"crieshe。"WelivedtogetheratBirmingham,andIwasgoingtobemarriedtoarichheiress,egad!whenwhatdoyouthinkthislittleCatdoes?Shemurdersme,egad!andmakesmemanquerthemarriage。Twentythousand,Ithinkitwas;andIwantedthemoneyinthosedays。Now,wasn’tsheanabominablemonster,thatmotherofyours,hey,Mr。a——What’s—your—name?"
"Sheservedyouright!"saidMr。Billings,withagreatoath,startingupoutofallpatience。
"Fellow!"saidhisExcellency,quiteaghast,"doyouknowtowhomyouspeak?——toanoblemanofseventy—eightdescents;acountoftheHolyRomanEmpire;arepresentativeofasovereign?Ha,egad!
Don’tstamp,fellow,ifyouhopeformyprotection。"
"D——nyourprotection!"saidMr。Billings,inafury。"Curseyouandyourprotectiontoo!I’mafree—bornBriton,andno————FrenchPapist!Andanymanwhoinsultsmymother——ay,orcallsmefeller——
hadbetterlooktohimselfandthetwoeyesinhishead,Icantellhim!"AndwiththisMr。BillingsputhimselfintothemostapprovedattitudeoftheCockpit,andinvitedhisfather,thereverendgentleman,andMonsieurlaRosethevalet,toengagewithhiminapugilisticencounter。Thetwolatter,theAbbeespecially,seemeddreadfullyfrightened;buttheCountnowlookedonwithmuchinterest;and,givingutterancetoafeeblekindofchuckle,whichlastedforabouthalfaminute,said,——
"Pawsoff,Pompey!Youyounghangdog,you——egad,yes,aha!’ponhonour,you’realadofspirit;someofyourfather’sspunkinyou,hey?Iknowhimbythatoath。Why,sir,whenIwassixteen,Iusedtoswear——toswear,egad,likeaThameswaterman,andexactlyinthisfellow’sway!Bussme,mylad;no,kissmyhand。Thatwilldo"——andheheldoutaveryleanyellowhand,peeringfromapairofyellowruffles。Itshookverymuch,andtheshakingmadealltheringsuponitshineonlythemore。
"Well,"saysMr。Billings,"ifyouwasn’ta—goingtoabusemenormother,Idon’tcareifIshakehandswithyou。Iain’tproud!"
TheAbbelaughedwithgreatglee;andthatveryeveningsentofftohisCourtamostludicrousspicydescriptionofthewholesceneofmeetingbetweenthisamiablefatherandchild;inwhichhesaidthatyoungBillingswastheelevefavoriofM。Kitch,Ecuyer,lebourreaudeLondres,andwhichmadetheDuke’smistresslaughsomuchthatshevowedthattheAbbeshouldhaveabishopriconhisreturn:for,withsuchstoreofwisdom,lookyou,myson,wastheworldgovernedinthosedays。
TheCountandhisoffspringmeanwhileconversedwithsomecordiality。Theformerinformedthelatterofallthediseasestowhichhewassubject,hismannerofcuringthem,hisgreatconsiderationaschamberlaintotheDukeofBavaria;howheworehisCourtsuits,andofaparticularpowderwhichhehadinventedforthehair;how,whenhewasseventeen,hehadrunawaywithacanoness,egad!whowasafterwardslockedupinaconvent,andgrewtobesixteenstoneinweight;howherememberedthetimewhenladiesdidnotwearpatches;andhowtheDuchessofMarlboroughboxedhisearswhenhewassohigh,becausehewantedtokissher。
Alltheseimportantanecdotestooksometimeinthetelling,andwereaccompaniedbymanyprofoundmoralremarks;suchas,"Ican’tabidegarlic,norwhite—wine,stapme!norSauerkraut,thoughhisHighnesseatshalfabushelperday。IateitthefirsttimeatCourt;butwhentheybroughtitmeasecondtime,I
refused——refused,splitmeandgrillmeifIdidn’t!Everybodystared;hisHighnesslookedasfierceasaTurk;andthatinfernalKrahwinkel(mydear,Ididforhimafterwards)——thatcursedKrahwinkel,Isay,lookedaspleasedaspossible,andwhisperedtoCountessFritsch,’Blitzchen,FrauGrafinn,’sayshe,’it’salloverwithGalgenstein。’WhatdidIdo?Ihadtheentree,anddemandedit。’Altesse,’saysI,fallingononeknee,’Iatenokrautatdinnerto—day。Youremarkedit:IsawyourHighnessremarkit。’
"’Idid,M。leComte,’saidhisHighness,gravely。
"Ihadalmosttearsinmyeyes;butitwasnecessarytocometoaresolution,youknow。’Sir,’saidI,’IspeakwithdeepgrieftoyourHighness,whoaremybenefactor,myfriend,myfather;butofthisIamresolved,IWILLNEVEREATSAUERKRAUTMORE:itdon’tagreewithme。AfterbeinglaidupforfourweeksbythelastdishofSauerkrautofwhichIpartook,Imaysaywithconfidence——IT
DON’Tagreewithme。Byimpairingmyhealth,itimpairsmyintellect,andweakensmystrength;andbothIwouldkeepforyourHighness’sservice。’
"’Tut,tut!’saidhisHighness。’Tut,tut,tut!’Thosewerehisverywords。
"’Givememyswordormypen,’saidI。’Givememyswordormypen,andwiththeseMaximiliandeGalgensteinisreadytoserveyou;butsure,——sure,agreatprincewillpitytheweakhealthofafaithfulsubject,whodoesnotknowhowtoeatSauerkraut?’HisHighnesswaswalkingabouttheroom:Iwasstillonmyknees,andstretchedforwardmyhandtoseizehiscoat。
"’GEHTZUMTEUFEL,Sir!’saidhe,inaloudvoice(itmeans’Gotothedeuce,’mydear),——’GehtzumTeufel,andeatwhatyoulike!’
Withthishewentoutoftheroomabruptly;leavinginmyhandoneofhisbuttons,whichIkeeptothisday。AssoonasIwasalone,amazedbyhisgreatgoodnessandbounty,Isobbedaloud——criedlikeachild"(theCount’seyesfilledandwinkedattheveryrecollection),"andwhenIwentbackintothecard—room,steppinguptoKrahwinkel,’Count,’saysI,’wholooksfoolishnow?’——Heythere,LaRose,givemethediamond——Yes,thatwastheverypunImade,andverygooditwasthought。’Krahwinkel,’saysI,’WHOLOOKS
FOOLISHNOW?’andfromthatdaytothisIwasneverataCourt—dayaskedtoeatSauerkraut——NEVER!"
"Heythere,LaRose!Bringmethatdiamondsnuff—boxinthedrawerofmysecretaire;"andthesnuff—boxwasbrought。"Lookatit,mydear,"saidtheCount,"forIsawyouseemedtodoubt。Thereisthebutton——theveryonethatcameoffhisGrace’scoat。"
Mr。Billingsreceivedit,andtwisteditaboutwithastupidair。
Thestoryhadquitemystifiedhim;forhedidnotdareyettothinkhisfatherwasafool——hisrespectforthearistocracypreventedhim。
WhentheCount’scommunicationshadceased,whichtheydidassoonasthestoryoftheSauerkrautwasfinished,asilenceofsomeminutesensued。Mr。Billingswastryingtocomprehendthecircumstancesabovenarrated;hisLordshipwasexhausted;thechaplainhadquittedtheroomdirectlythewordSauerkrautwasmentioned——heknewwhatwascoming。HisLordshiplookedforsometimeathisson;whoreturnedthegazewithhismouthwideopen。
"Well,"saidtheCount——"well,sir?Whatareyousittingtherefor?
Ifyouhavenothingtosay,sir,youhadbettergo。Ihadyouheretoamuseme——splitme——andnottosittherestaring!"
Mr。Billingsroseinafury。
"Harkye,mylad,"saidtheCount,"tellLaRosetogivetheefiveguineas,and,ah——comeagainsomemorning。Anicewell—grownyounglad,"musedtheCount,asMasterTommywalkedwonderingoutoftheapartment;"aprettyfellowenough,andintelligenttoo。"
"Well,heISanoddfellow,myfather,"thoughtMr。Billings,ashewalkedout,havingreceivedthesumofferedtohim。AndheimmediatelywenttocalluponhisfriendPollyBriggs,fromwhomhehadseparatedinthemorning。
Whatwastheresultoftheirinterviewisnotatallnecessarytotheprogressofthishistory。Havingmadeher,however,acquaintedwiththeparticularsofhisvisittohisfather,hewenttohismother’s,andrelatedtoherallthathadoccurred。
Poorthing,shewasverydifferentlyinterestedintheissueofit!
CHAPTERX。SHOWINGHOWGALGENSTEINANDMRS。CATRECOGNISEEACH
OTHERINMARYLEBONEGARDENS——ANDHOWTHECOUNTDRIVESHERHOMEIN
HISCARRIAGE。
Aboutamonthafterthetouchingconversationaboverelated,therewasgiven,atMaryleboneGardens,agrandconcertandentertainment,atwhichthecelebratedMadameAmenaide,adancerofthetheatreatParis,wastoperform,underthepatronageofseveralEnglishandforeignnoblemen;amongwhomwashisExcellencytheBavarianEnvoy。
MadameAmenaidewas,infact,nootherthanthemaitresseentitreoftheMonsieurdeGalgenstein,whohadheragreatbargainfromtheDukedeRohan—ChabotatParis。
Itisnotourpurposetomakeagreatandlearneddisplayhere,otherwisethecostumesofthecompanyassembledatthisfetemightaffordscopeforatleasthalf—a—dozenpagesoffinewriting;andwemightgive,ifneedwere,specimensoftheverysongsandmusicsungontheoccasion。DoesnottheBurneycollectionofmusic,attheBritishMuseum,affordoneanamplestoreofsongsfromwhichtochoose?AretherenotthememoirsofColleyCibber?thoseofMrs。
Clark,thedaughterofColley?IstherenotCongreve,andFarquhar——nay,andatapinch,the"DramaticBiography,"oreventheSpectator,fromwhichtheobservantgeniusmightborrowpassages,andconstructprettyantiquarianfigments?Leavewethesetriflestomeanersouls!Ourbusinessisnotwiththebreechesandperiwigs,withthehoopsandpatches,butwiththedivineheartsofmen,andthepassionswhichagitatethem。Whatneed,therefore,havewetosaythatonthisevening,afterthedancing,themusic,andthefireworks,MonsieurdeGalgensteinfeltthestrangeandwelcomepangsofappetite,andwaspickingacoldchicken,alongwithsomeotherfriendsinanarbour——acoldchicken,withanaccompanimentofabottleofchampagne——whenhewasledtoremarkthataveryhandsomeplumplittleperson,inagorgeousstiffdamaskgownandpetticoat,wassaunteringupanddownthewalkrunningoppositehissupping—place,andbestowingcontinualglancestowardshisExcellency。Thelady,whoevershewas,wasinamask,suchasladiesofhighandlowfashionworeatpublicplacesinthosedays,andhadamalecompanion。Hewasaladofonlyseventeen,marvellouslywelldressed——indeed,nootherthantheCount’sownson,Mr。ThomasBillings;whohadatlengthreceivedfromhismotherthesilver—hiltedsword,andthewig,whichthataffectionateparenthadpromisedtohim。
Inthecourseofthemonthwhichhadelapsedsincetheinterviewthathasbeendescribedintheformerchapter,Mr。Billingshadseveraltimeshadoccasiontowaitonhisfather;butthoughhehad,accordingtoherwishes,frequentlyalludedtotheexistenceofhismother,theCounthadneveratanytimeexpressedtheslightestwishtorenewhisacquaintancewiththatlady;who,ifshehadseenhim,hadonlyseenhimbystealth。
Thefactis,thatafterBillingshadrelatedtohertheparticularsofhisfirstmeetingwithhisExcellency;whichended,likemanyofthelattervisits,innothingatall;Mrs。Hayeshadfoundsomepressingbusiness,whichcontinuallytookhertoWhitehall,andhadbeenprowlingfromdaytodayaboutMonsieurdeGalgenstein’slodgings。Fourorfivetimesintheweek,ashisExcellencysteppedintohiscoach,hemighthaveremarked,hadhechosen,awomaninablackhood,whowaslookingmosteagerlyintohiseyes:butthoseeyeshadlongsinceleftoffthepracticeofobserving;andMadamCatherine’svisitshadsofargonefornothing。
Onthisnight,however,inspiredbygaietyanddrink,theCounthadbeenamazinglystrickenbythegaitandoglingoftheladyinthemask。TheReverendO’Flaherty,whowaswithhim,andhadobservedthefigureintheblackcloak,recognised,orthoughtherecognised,her。"ItisthewomanwhodogsyourExcellencyeveryday,"saidhe。
"Sheiswiththattailorladwholovestoseepeoplehanged——yourExcellency’sson,Imean。"AndhewasjustabouttowarntheCountofaconspiracyevidentlymadeagainsthim,andthatthesonhadbrought,mostlikely,themothertoplayherartsuponhim——hewasjustabout,Isay,toshowtotheCountthefollyanddangerofrenewinganoldliaisonwithawomansuchashehaddescribedMrs。
Cattobe,whenhisExcellency,startingup,andinterruptinghisghostlyadviserattheverybeginningofhissentence,said,"Egad,l’Abbe,youareright——itISmyson,andamightysmart—lookingcreaturewithhim。Hey!Mr。What’s—your—name——Tom,yourogue,don’tyouknowyourownfather?"Andsosaying,andcockinghisbeaverononeside,MonsieurdeGalgensteinstruttedjauntilyafterMr。
Billingsandthelady。
ItwasthefirsttimethattheCounthadformallyrecognisedhisson。
"Tom,yourogue,"stoppedatthis,andtheCountcameup。Hehadawhitevelvetsuit,coveredoverwithstarsandorders,aneatmodestwigandbag,andpeach—colouredsilk—stockingswithsilverclasps。
TheladyinthemaskgaveastartashisExcellencycameforward。
"Law,mother,don’tsqueegeso,"saidTom。Thepoorwomanwastremblingineverylimb,butshehadpresenceofmindto"squeege"
Tomagreatdealharder;andthelattertookthehint,Isuppose,andwassilent。
ThesplendidCountcameup。Yegods,howhisembroideryglitteredinthelamps!Whataroyalexhalationofmuskandbergamotcamefromhiswig,hishandkerchief,andhisgrandlacerufflesandfrills!Abroadyellowribandpassedacrosshisbreast,andendedathishipinashiningdiamondcross——adiamondcross,andadiamondsword—hilt!Wasanythingeverseensobeautiful?Andmightnotapoorwomantremblewhensuchanoblecreaturedrewneartoher,anddeigned,fromtheheightofhisrankandsplendour,tolookdownuponher?AsJovecamedowntoSemeleinstate,inhishabitsofceremony,withallthegrandcordonsofhisordersblazingabouthisimperialperson——thusdazzling,magnificent,triumphant,thegreatGalgensteindescendedtowardsMrs。Catherine。Hercheeksglowedred—hotunderhercoyvelvetmask,herheartthumpedagainstthewhaleboneprisonofherstays。Whatadeliciousstormofvanitywasraginginherbosom!Whatarushoflong—pentrecollectionsburstforthatthesoundofthatenchantingvoice!
Asyouwindupahundred—guineachronometerwithatwopennywatch—key——asbymeansofadirtywoodenplugyousetallthewatersofVersaillesa—raging,andsplashing,andstorming——inlikemanner,andbylikehumbleagents,wereMrs。Catherine’stumultuouspassionssetgoing。TheCount,wehavesaid,slippeduptohisson,andmerelysaying,"Howdo,Tom?"cuttheyounggentlemanaltogether,andpassingroundtothelady’sside,said,"Madam,’tisacharmingevening——egaditis!"Shealmostfainted:itwastheoldvoice。
Therehewas,afterseventeenyears,oncemoreatherside!
NowIknowwhatIcouldhavedone。IcanturnoutaquotationfromSophocles(bylookingtotheindex)aswellasanother:Icanthrowoffabitoffinewritingtoo,withpassion,similes,andamoralattheend。What,pray,isthelastsentencebutonebuttheveryfinestwriting?Suppose,forexample,IhadmadeMaximilian,ashestoodbythesideofCatherine,lookuptowardstheclouds,andexclaim,inthewordsofthevoluptuousCorneliusNepos,’Aenaoinephelai’ArthoomenphaneraiDroseranphusineuageetoi,k。t。l。*
*Anglicisedversionoftheauthor’soriginalGreektext。
Orsuppose,again,Ihadsaid,inastylestillmorepopular:——
TheCountadvancedtowardsthemaiden。Theybothweremuteforawhile;andonlythebeatingofherheartinterruptedthatthrillingandpassionatesilence。Ah,whatyearsofburiedjoysandfears,hopesanddisappointments,arosefromtheirgravesinthefarpast,andinthosebriefmomentsflittedbeforetheunitedones!Howsadwasthatdeliciousretrospect,andoh,howsweet!Thetearsthatrolleddownthecheekofeachwerebubblesfromthechokedandmoss—grownwellsofyouth;thesighthatheavedeachbosomhadsomelurkingodoursinit——memoriesofthefragranceofboyhood,echoesofthehymnsoftheyoungheart!Thusisitever——fortheseblessedrecollectionsthesoulalwayshasaplace;andwhilecrimeperishes,andsorrowisforgotten,thebeautifulaloneiseternal。
"Ogoldenlegends,writtenintheskies!"musedDeGalgenstein,"yeshineasyedidintheoldendays!WEchange,butYEspeakeverthesamelanguage。Gazinginyourabysmaldepths,thefeebleratioci——"
*****
There,now,aresixcolumns*ofthebestwritingtobefoundinthisoranyotherbook。GalgensteinhasquotedEuripidesthrice,Platoonce,Lycophronninetimes,besidesextractsfromtheLatinsyntaxandtheminorGreekpoets。Catherine’spassionateembreathingsareofthemostfashionableorder;andIcallupontheingeniouscriticoftheX————newspapertosaywhethertheydonotpossesstherealimpressofthegiantsoftheoldentime——therealPlatonicsmack,inaword?NotthatIwantintheleasttoshowoff;butitisaswell,everynowandthen,toshowthepublicwhatoneCANdo。
(*ThereWEREsixcolumns,asmentionedbytheaccurateMr。
Solomons;butwehavewithdrawntwopagesandthree—quarters,because,althoughourcorrespondenthasbeenexcessivelyeloquent,accordingtocustom,wewereanxioustocometothefactsofthestory。
Mr。Solomons,bysendingtoouroffice,mayhavethecancelledpassages。——O。Y。)
Instead,however,ofallthisrantandnonsense,howmuchfineristhespeechthattheCountreallydidmake!"Itisaveryfineevening,——egaditis!"The"egad"didthewholebusiness:Mrs。Catwasasmuchinlovewithhimnowasevershehadbeen;and,gatheringupallherenergies,shesaid,"Itisdreadfulhottoo,I
think;"andwiththisshemadeacurtsey。
"Stifling,splitme!"addedhisExcellency。"Whatdoyousay,madam,toarestinanarbour,andadrinkofsomethingcool?"
"Sir!"saidthelady,drawingback。
"Oh,adrink——adrinkbyallmeans,"exclaimedMr。Billings,whowastroubledwithaperpetualthirst。"Come,mo——,Mrs。Jones,Imean。
you’refondofaglassofcoldpunch,youknow;andtherumhereisprime,Icantellyou。"
TheladyinthemaskconsentedwithsomedifficultytotheproposalofMr。Billings,andwasledbythetwogentlemenintoanarbour,whereshewasseatedbetweenthem;andsomewax—candlesbeinglighted,punchwasbrought。
Shedrankoneortwoglassesveryeagerly,andsodidhertwocompanions;althoughitwasevidenttosee,fromtheflushedlooksofbothofthem,thattheyhadlittleneedofanysuchstimulus。
TheCount,inthemidstofhischampagne,itmustbesaid,hadbeenamazinglystrickenandscandalisedbytheappearanceofsuchayouthasBillingsinapublicplacewithaladyunderhisarm。Hewas,thereaderwillthereforeunderstand,inthemoralstageofliquor;
andwhenheissuedout,itwasnotmerelywiththeintentionofexaminingMr。Billings’sfemalecompanion,butofadministeringtohimsomesoundcorrectionforventuring,athisearlyperiodoflife,toformanysuchacquaintances。OnjoiningBillings,hisExcellency’sfirststepwasnaturallytoexaminethelady。Aftertheyhadbeensittingforawhileovertheirpunch,hebethoughthimofhisoriginalpurpose,andbegantoaddressanumberofmoralremarkstohisson。
WehavealreadygivensomespecimensofMonsieurdeGalgenstein’ssoberconversation;anditishardlynecessarytotroublethereaderwithanyfurtherreportsofhisspeeches。Theywereintolerablystupidanddull;asegotisticalashismorninglecturehadbeen,andahundredtimesmoreramblingandprosy。IfCathadbeeninthepossessionofhersobersenses,shewouldhaveseeninfiveminutesthatherancientloverwasaninny,andhavelefthimwithscorn;
butshewasunderthecharmofoldrecollections,andthesoundofthatsillyvoicewastohermagical。AsforMr。Billings,heallowedhisExcellencytocontinuehisprattle;onlyfrowning,yawning,cursingoccasionally,butdrinkingcontinually。
SotheCountdescantedatlengthupontheenormityofyoungBillings’searlyliaisons;andthenhetoldhisown,intheyearfour,withaburgomaster’sdaughteratRatisbon,whenhewasintheElectorofBavaria’sservice——then,afterBlenheim,whenhehadcomeovertotheDukeofMarlborough,whenaphysician’swifeatBonnpoisonedherselfforhim,etc。etc。;ofapiecewiththestoryofthecanoness,whichhasbeenrecordedbefore。Allthetalesweretrue。Aclever,uglymaneverynowandthenissuccessfulwiththeladies;butahandsomefoolisirresistible。Mrs。Catlistenedandlistened。Goodheavens!shehadheardallthesetalesbefore,andrecollectedtheplaceandthetime——howshewashemmingahandkerchiefforMax;whocameroundandkissedher,vowingthatthephysician’swifewasnothingcomparedtoher——howhewastired,andlyingonthesofa,justcomehomefromshooting。Howhandsomehelooked!Catthoughthewasonlythehandsomernow;andlookedmoregraveandthoughtful,thedearfellow!
Thegardenwasfilledwithavastdealofcompanyofallkinds,andpartieswerepassingeverymomentbeforethearbourwhereourtriosat。Abouthalf—an—hourafterhisExcellencyhadquittedhisownboxandparty,theRev。Mr。O’Flahertycamediscreetlyround,toexaminetheproceedingsofhisdiplomaticalchef。Theladyinthemaskwaslisteningwithallhermight;Mr。Billingswasdrawingfiguresonthetablewithpunch;andtheCounttalkingincessantly。
TheFatherConfessorlistenedforamoment;andthen,withsomethingresemblinganoath,walkedawaytotheentryofthegardens,wherehisExcellency’sgiltcoach,withthreefootmen,waswaitingtocarryhimbacktoLondon。"Getmeachair,Joseph,"saidhisReverence,whoinfinitelypreferredaseatgratisinthecoach。
"Thatfool,"mutteredhe,"willnotmoveforthishour。"Thereverendgentlemanknewthat,whentheCountwasonthesubjectofthephysician’swife,hisdiscourseswereintolerablylong;andtookuponhimself,therefore,todisappear,alongwiththerestoftheCount’sparty;whoprocuredotherconveyances,andreturnedtotheirhomes。
AfterthisquietshadowhadpassedbeforetheCount’sbox,manygroupsofpersonspassedandrepassed;andamongthemwasnootherthanMrs。PollyBriggs,towhomwehavebeenalreadyintroduced。
Mrs。Pollywasincompanywithoneortwootherladies,andleaningonthearmofagentlemanwithlargeshouldersandcalves,afiercecocktohishat,andashabbygenteelair。HisnamewasMr。Moffat,andhispresentoccupationwasthatofdoorkeeperatagambling—
houseinCoventGarden;where,thoughhesawmanythousandspassdailyunderhiseyes,hisownsalaryamountedtonomorethanfour—and—sixpenceweekly,——asumquiteinsufficienttomaintainhimintherankwhichheheld。
Mr。Moffathad,however,receivedsomefunds——amountingindeed,toamatteroftwelveguineas——withinthelastmonth,andwastreatingMrs。Briggsverygenerouslytotheconcert。ItmaybeaswelltosaythateveryoneofthetwelveguineashadcomeoutofMrs。
Polly’sownpocket;who,inreturn,hadreceivedthemfromMr。