Darrow,layingasidehispen,lookedatherforamomentinsilence;thenhestoodupandshutthedoor。
"Imustgoto—morrowearly,"hesaid,sittingdownbesideher。Hisvoicewasgrave,withaslighttingeofsadness。
Shesaidtoherself:"HeknowswhatIamfeeling……"andnowthethoughtmadeherfeellessalone。Theexpressionofhisfacewassternandyettender:forthefirsttimesheunderstoodwhathehadsuffered。
Shehadnodoubtastothenecessityofgivinghimup,butitwasimpossibletotellhimsothen。Shestoodupandsaid:"I’llleaveyoutoyourletters。"Hemadenoprotest,butmerelyanswered:"You’llcomedownpresentlyforawalk?"anditoccurredtoheratoncethatshewouldwalkdowntotheriverwithhim,andgiveherselfforthelasttimethetragicluxuryofsittingathissideinthelittlepavilion。"Perhaps,"shethought,"itwillbeeasiertotellhimthere。"
Itdidnot,onthewayhomefromtheirwalk,becomeanyeasiertotellhim;buthersecretdecisiontodosobeforeheleftgaveherakindoffactitiouscalmandlaidamelancholyecstasyuponthehour。Stillskirtingthesubjectthatfannedtheirveryfaceswithitsflame,theyclungpersistentlytoothertopics,anditseemedtoAnnathattheirmindshadneverbeennearertogetherthaninthishourwhentheirheartsweresoseparate。Intheglowofinterchangedloveshehadgrownlessconsciousofthatotherglowofinterchangedthoughtwhichhadonceilluminedhermind。ShehadforgottenhowDarrowhadwidenedherworldandlengthenedoutallherperspectives,andwithapangofdoubledestitutionshesawherselfaloneamonghershrunkenthoughts。
Forthefirsttime,then,shehadaclearvisionofwhatherlifewouldbewithouthim。Sheimaginedherselftryingtotakeupthedailyround,andallthathadlightenedandanimateditseemedequallylifelessandvain。Shetriedtothinkofherselfaswhollyabsorbedinherdaughter’sdevelopment,likeothermothersshehadseen;butshesupposedthosemothersmusthavehadstoredmemoriesofhappinesstonourishthem。Shehadhadnothing,andallherstarvedyouthstillclaimeditsdue。
Whenshewentuptodressfordinnershesaidtoherself:
"I’llhavemylasteveningwithhim,andthen,beforewesaygoodnight,I’lltellhim。"
Thispostponementdidnotseemunjustified。Darrowhadshownherhowhedreadedvainwords,howresolvedhewastoavoidallfruitlessdiscussion。Hemusthavebeenintenselyawareofwhathadbeengoingoninhermindsincehisreturn,yetwhenshehadattemptedtorevealittohimhehadturnedfromtherevelation。Shewasthereforemerelyfollowingthelinehehadtracedinbehaving,tillthefinalmomentcame,asthoughtherewerenothingmoretosay……
Thatmomentseemedatlasttobeathandwhen,atherusualhourafterdinner,MadamedeChantellerosetogoupstairs。
Shelingeredalittletobidgood—byetoDarrow,whomshewasnotlikelytoseeinthemorning;andheraffableallusionstohispromptreturnsoundedinAnna’searlikethenoteofdestiny。
Acoldrainhadfallenallday,andforgreaterwarmthandintimacytheyhadgoneafterdinnertotheoak—room,shuttingoutthechillyvistaofthefartherdrawing—rooms。
Theautumnwind,comingupfromtheriver,criedaboutthehousewithavoiceoflossandseparation;andAnnaandDarrowsatsilent,asiftheyfearedtobreakthehushthatshutthemin。Thesolitude,thefire—light,theharmonyofsofthangingsandolddimpictures,woveaboutthemaspellofsecuritythroughwhichAnnafelt,fardowninherheart,themuffledbeatofaninextinguishablebliss。Howcouldshehavethoughtthatthislastmomentwouldbethemomenttospeaktohim,whenitseemedtohavegatheredupintoitsflightallthescatteredsplendoursofherdream?
XXXVI
Darrowcontinuedtostandbythedoorafterithadclosed。
Annafeltthathewaslookingather,andsatstill,disdainingtoseekrefugeinanyevasivewordormovement。
Forthelasttimeshewantedtolethimtakefromherthefulnessofwhatthesightofhercouldgive。
Hecrossedoverandsatdownonthesofa。Foramomentneitherofthemspoke;thenhesaid:"To—night,dearest,I
musthavemyanswer。"
Shestraightenedherselfundertheshockofhisseemingtotaketheverywordsfromherlips。
"To—night?"wasallthatshecouldfalter。
"Imustbeoffbytheearlytrain。Therewon’tbemorethanamomentinthemorning。"
Hehadtakenherhand,andshesaidtoherselfthatshemustfreeitbeforeshecouldgoonwithwhatshehadtosay。
Thensherejectedthisconcessiontoaweaknessshewasresolvedtodefy。Totheendshewouldleaveherhandinhishand,hereyesinhiseyes:shewouldnot,intheirfinalhourtogether,beafraidofanypartofherloveforhim。
"You’lltellmeto—night,dear,"heinsistedgently;andhisinsistencegaveherthestrengthtospeak。
"There’ssomethingImustaskyou,"shebrokeout,perceiving,assheheardherwords,thattheywerenotintheleastwhatshehadmeanttosay。
Hesatstill,waiting,andshepressedon:"Dosuchthingshappentomenoften?"
Thequietroomseemedtoresoundwiththelongreverberationsofherquestion。Shelookedawayfromhim,andhereleasedherandstoodup。
"Idon’tknowwhathappenstoothermen。Suchathingneverhappenedtome……"
Sheturnedhereyesbacktohisface。Shefeltlikeatravelleronagiddypathbetweenacliffandaprecipice:
therewasnothingforitnowbuttogoon。
"Hadit……haditbegun……beforeyoumetherinParis?"
"No;athousandtimesno!I’vetoldyouthefactsastheywere。"
"Allthefacts?"
Heturnedabruptly。"Whatdoyoumean?"
Herthroatwasdryandtheloudpulsesdrummedinhertemples。
"Imean——abouther……Perhapsyouknew……knewthingsabouther……beforehand。"
Shestopped。Theroomhadgrownprofoundlystill。Alogdroppedtothehearthandbrokethereinahissingshower。
Darrowspokeinaclearvoice。"Iknewnothing,absolutelynothing,"hesaid。
Shehadtheanswertoherinmostdoubt——toherlastshamefulunavowedhope。Shesatpowerlessunderherwoe。
Hewalkedtothefireplaceandpushedbackthebrokenlogwithhisfoot。Aflameshotoutofit,andintheupwardglareshesawhispaleface,sternwithmisery。
"Isthatall?"heasked。
Shemadeaslightsignwithherheadandhecameslowlybacktoher。"Thenisthistobegood—bye?"
Againshesignedafaintassent,andhemadenoefforttotouchherordrawnearer。"YouunderstandthatIsha’n’tcomeback?"
Hewaslookingather,andshetriedtoreturnhislook,buthereyeswereblindwithtears,andindreadofhisseeingthemshegotupandwalkedaway。Hedidnotfollowher,andshestoodwithherbacktohim,staringatabowlofcarnationsonalittletablestrewnwithbooks。Hertearsmagnifiedeverythingshelookedat,andthestreakedpetalsofthecarnations,theirfringededgesandfrailcurledstamens,presseduponher,hugeandvivid。ShenoticedamongthebooksavolumeofversehehadsentherfromEngland,andtriedtorememberwhetheritwasbeforeorafter……
Shefeltthathewaswaitingforhertospeak,andatlastsheturnedtohim。"Ishallseeyouto—morrowbeforeyougo……"
Hemadenoanswer。
Shemovedtowardthedoorandhehelditopenforher。Shesawhishandonthedoor,andhissealringinitssettingoftwistedsilver;andthesenseoftheendofallthingscametoher。
Theywalkeddownthedrawing—rooms,betweentheshadowyreflectionsofscreensandcabinets,andmountedthestairssidebyside。Attheendofthegallery,alampbroughtoutturbidgleamsinthesmokybattle—pieceaboveit。
OnthelandingDarrowstopped;hisroomwasthenearesttothestairs。"Goodnight,"hesaid,holdingouthishand。
AsAnnagavehimhersthespringsofgriefbrokelooseinher。Shestruggledwithhersobs,andsubduedthem;butherbreathcameunevenly,andtohideheragitationsheleanedonhimandpressedherfaceagainsthisarm。
"Don’t——don’t,"hewhispered,soothingher。
Hertroubledbreathingsoundedloudlyinthesilenceofthesleepinghouse。Shepressedherlipstight,butcouldnotstopthenervouspulsationsinherthroat,andheputanarmaboutherand,openinghisdoor,drewheracrossthethresholdofhisroom。Thedoorshutbehindherandshesatdownontheloungeatthefootofthebed。Thepulsationsinherthroathadceased,butsheknewtheywouldbeginagainifshetriedtospeak。
Darrowwalkedawayandleanedagainstthemantelpiece。Thered—veiledlampshoneonhisbooksandpapers,onthearm—
chairbythefire,andthescatteredobjectsonhisdressing—table。Alogglimmeredonthehearth,andtheroomwaswarmandfaintlysmoke—scented。Itwasthefirsttimeshehadeverbeeninaroomhelivedin,amonghispersonalpossessionsandthetracesofhisdailyusage。Everyobjectaboutherseemedtocontainaparticleofhimself:thewholeairbreathedofhim,steepingherinthesenseofhisintimatepresence。
Suddenlyshethought:"ThisiswhatSophyVinerknew"……andwithatorturingprecisionshepicturedthemaloneinsuchascene……Hadhetakenthegirltoanhotel……wheredidpeoplegoinsuchcases?Wherevertheywere,thesilenceofnighthadbeenaroundthem,andthethingsheusedhadbeenstrewnabouttheroom……Anna,ashamedofdwellingonthedetestedvision,stoodupwithaconfusedimpulseofflight;thenawaveofcontraryfeelingarrestedherandshepausedwithloweredhead。
Darrowhadcomeforwardassherose,andsheperceivedthathewaswaitingforhertobidhimgoodnight。Itwasclearthatnootherpossibilityhadevenbrushedhismind;andthefact,forsomedimreason,humiliatedher。"Whynot……whynot?"somethingwhisperedinher,asthoughhisforbearance,histacitrecognitionofherpride,wereaslightonotherqualitiesshewantedhimtofeelinher。
"Inthemorning,then?"sheheardhimsay。
"Yes,inthemorning,"sherepeated。
Shecontinuedtostandinthesameplace,lookingvaguelyabouttheroom。Foroncebeforetheyparted——sinceparttheymust——shelongedtobetohimallthatSophyVinerhadbeen;butsheremainedrootedtothefloor,unabletofindawordorimagineagesturethatshouldexpresshermeaning。
Exasperatedbyherhelplessness,shethought:"Don’tIfeelthingsasotherwomendo?"
Hereyefellonanote—caseshehadgivenhim。Itwaswornatthecornerswiththefrictionofhispocketanddistendedwiththicklypackedpapers。Shewonderedifhecarriedherlettersinit,andsheputherhandoutandtouchedit。
Allthatheandshehadeverfeltorseen,theircloseencountersofwordandlook,andtheclosercontactoftheirsilences,trembledthroughheratthetouch。Sherememberedthingshehadsaidthathadbeenlikenewskiesaboveherhead:wayshehadthatseemedapartoftheairshebreathed。Thefaintwarmthofhergirlishlovecamebacktoher,gatheringheatasitpassedthroughherthoughts;andherheartrockedlikeaboatonthesurgeofitslonglongmemories。"It’sbecauseIlovehimintoomanyways,"shethought;andslowlysheturnedtothedoor。
ShewasawarethatDarrowwasstillsilentlywatchingher,butheneitherstirrednorspoketillshehadreachedthethreshold。Thenhemetherthereandcaughtherinhisarms。
"Notto—night——don’ttellmeto—night!"hewhispered;andsheleanedawayfromhim,closinghereyesforaninstant,andthenslowlyopeningthemtothefloodoflightinhis。
XXXVII
AnnaandDarrow,thenextday,sataloneinacompartmentoftheParistrain。
Anna,whentheyenteredit,hadputherselfinthefarthestcornerandplacedherbagontheadjoiningseat。ShehaddecidedsuddenlytoaccompanyDarrowtoParis,hadevenpersuadedhimtowaitforalatertraininorderthattheymighttraveltogether。Shehadanintenselongingtobewithhim,analmostmorbidterroroflosingsightofhimforamoment:whenhejumpedoutofthetrainandranbackalongtheplatformtobuyanewspaperforhershefeltasthoughsheshouldneverseehimagain,andshiveredwiththecoldmiseryofherlastjourneytoParis,whenshehadthoughtherselfpartedfromhimforever。Yetshewantedtokeephimatadistance,ontheothersideofthecompartment,andasthetrainmovedoutofthestationshedrewfromherbagthelettersshehadthrustinitassheleftthehouse,andbegantoglanceoverthemsothatherloweredlidsshouldhidehereyesfromhim。
Shewashisnow,hisforlife:therecouldneveragainbeanyquestionofsacrificingherselftoEffie’swelfare,ortoanyotherabstractconceptionofduty。Effieofcoursewouldnotsuffer;Annawouldpayforherblissasawifebyredoubleddevotionasamother。Herscrupleswerenotovercome;butforthetimetheirvoicesweredrownedinthetumultuousrumourofherhappiness。
AssheopenedherlettersshewasconsciousthatDarrow’sgazewasfixedonher,andgraduallyitdrewhereyesupward,andshedrankdeepofthepassionatetendernessinhis。Thenthebloodrosetoherfaceandshefeltagainthedesiretoshieldherself。SheturnedbacktoherlettersandherglancelitonanenvelopeinscribedinOwen’shand。
Herheartbegantobeatoppressively:shewasinamoodwhenthesimplestthingsseemedominous。WhatcouldOwenhavetosaytoher?Onlythefirstpagewascovered,anditcontainedsimplytheannouncementthat,inthecompanyofayoungcompatriotwhowasstudyingattheBeauxArts,hehadplannedtoleaveforSpainthefollowingevening。
"Hehasn’tseenher,then!"wasAnna’sinstantthought;andherfeelingwasastrangecompoundofhumiliationandrelief。Thegirlhadkeptherword,liveduptothelineofconductshehadsetherself;andAnnahadfailedinthesameattempt。Shedidnotreproachherselfwithherfailure;butshewouldhavebeenhappieriftherehadbeenlessdiscrepancybetweenherwordstoSophyVinerandtheactwhichhadfollowedthem。Itirritatedherobscurelythatthegirlshouldhavebeensomuchsurerofherpowertocarryoutherpurpose……
AnnalookedupandsawthatDarrow’seyeswereonthenewspaper。Heseemedcalmandsecure,almostindifferenttoherpresence。"Willitbecomeamatterofcoursetohimsosoon?"shewonderedwithatwingeofjealousy。Shesatmotionless,hereyesfixedonhim,tryingtomakehimfeeltheattractionofhergazeasshefelthis。Itsurprisedandshamedhertodetectanewelementinherloveforhim:
asortofsuspicioustyrannicaltendernessthatseemedtodepriveitofallserenity。Finallyhelookedup,hissmileenvelopedher,andshefeltherselfhisineveryfibre,hissocompletelyandinseparablythatshesawthevanityofimagininganyotherfateforherself。
TogiveherselfacountenancesheheldoutOwen’sletter。
Hetookitandglanceddownthepage,hisfacegrowngrave。
Shewaitednervouslytillhelookedup。
"That’sagoodplan;thebestthingthatcouldhappen,"hesaid,ajustperceptibleshadeofconstraintinhistone。
"Oh,yes,"shehastilyassented。Shewasawareofafaintcurrentofreliefsilentlycirculatingbetweenthem。TheywerebothgladthatOwenwasgoing,thatforawhilehewouldbeoutoftheirway;anditseemedtoherhorriblethatsomuchofthestuffoftheirhappinessshouldbemadeofsuchunavowedfeelings……
"Ishallseehimthisevening,"shesaid,wishingDarrowtofeelthatshewasnotafraidofmeetingherstep—son。
"Yes,ofcourse;perhapshemightdinewithyou。"
Thewordsstruckherasstrangelyobtuse。DarrowwastomeethisAmbassadoratthestationonthelatter’sarrival,andwouldinallprobabilityhavetospendtheeveningwithhim,andAnnaknewhehadbeenconcernedatthethoughtofhavingtoleaveheralone。ButhowcouldhespeakinthatcarelesstoneofherdiningwithOwen?Sheloweredhervoicetosay:"I’mafraidhe’sdesperatelyunhappy。"
Heanswered,withatingeofimpatience:"It’smuchthebestthingthatheshouldtravel。"
"Yes——butdon’tyoufeel……"Shebrokeoff。Sheknewhowhedislikedtheseidlereturnsontheirrevocable,andherfearofdoingorsayingwhathedislikedwastingedbyanewinstinctofsubserviencyagainstwhichherpriderevolted。
Shethoughttoherself:"Hewillseethechange,andgrowindifferenttomeashedidtoHER……"andforamomentitseemedtoherthatshewasrelivingtheexperienceofSophyViner。
Darrowmadenoattempttolearntheendofherunfinishedsentence。HehandedbackOwen’sletterandreturnedtohisnewspaper;andwhenhelookedupfromitafewminuteslateritwaswithaclearbrowandasmilethatirresistiblydrewherbacktohappierthoughts。
Thetrainwasjustenteringastation,andamomentlatertheircompartmentwasinvadedbyacommonplacecouplepreoccupiedwiththebestowalofbulgingpackages。Anna,attheirapproach,feltthepossessiveprideofthewomaninlovewhenstrangersarebetweenherselfandthemansheloves。SheaskedDarrowtoopenthewindow,toplaceherbaginthenet,torollherrugintoacushionforherfeet;
andwhilehewasthusbusiedwithhershewasconsciousofanewdevotioninhistone,inhiswayofbendingoverherandmeetinghereyes。Hewentbacktohisseat,andtheylookedateachotherlikeloverssmilingatahappysecret。
Anna,beforegoingbacktoGivre,hadsuggestedOwen’smovingintoherapartment,buthehadpreferredtoremainatthehoteltowhichhehadsenthisluggage,andonarrivinginParisshedecidedtodrivethereatonce。Shewasimpatienttohavethemeetingover,andgladthatDarrowwasobligedtoleaveheratthestationinordertolookupacolleagueattheEmbassy。ShedreadedhisseeingOwenagain,andyetdarednottellhimso,andtoensurehisremainingawayshementionedanurgentengagementwithherdress—makerandalonglistofcommissionstobeexecutedforMadamedeChantelle。
"Ishallseeyouto—morrowmorning,"shesaid;butherepliedwithasmilethathewouldcertainlyfindtimetocometoherforamomentonhiswaybackfrommeetingtheAmbassador;andwhenhehadputherinacabheleanedthroughthewindowtopresshislipstohers。
Sheblushedlikeagirl,thinking,halfvexed,halfhappy:
"Yesterdayhewouldnothavedoneit……"andadozenscarcelydefinabledifferencesinhislookandmannerseemedallatoncetobesummedupintheboyishact。"Afterall,I’mengagedtohim,"shereflected,andthensmiledattheabsurdityoftheword。Thenextinstant,withapangofself—reproach,sherememberedSophyViner’scry:"Iknewallthewhilehedidn’tcare……""Poorthing,ohpoorthing!"
Annamurmured……
AtOwen’shotelshewaitedinatremorwhiletheporterwentinsearchofhim。Wordwaspresentlybroughtbackthathewasinhisroomandbeggedhertocomeup,andasshecrossedthehallshecaughtsightofhisportmanteauxlyingonthefloor,alreadylabelledfordeparture。
Owensatatatablewriting,hisbacktothedoor;andwhenhestoodupthewindowwasbehindhim,sothat,intherainyafternoonlight,hisfeatureswerebarelydiscernible。
"Dearest——soyou’rereallyoff?"shesaid,hesitatingamomentonthethreshold。
Hepushedachairforward,andtheysatdown,eachwaitingfortheothertospeak。Finallysheputsomerandomquestionabouthistravelling—companion,aslowshymeditativeyouthwhomhehadonceortwicebroughtdowntoGivre。Shereflectedthatitwasnaturalheshouldhavegiventhisuncommunicativecomradethepreferenceoverhislivelieracquaintances,andaloudshesaid:"I’msogladFredRempsoncangowithyou。"
Owenansweredinthesametone,andforafewminutestheirtalkdraggeditselfonoveradrywasteofcommon—places。
Annanoticedthat,thoughreadyenoughtoimparthisownplans,Owenstudiouslyabstainedfromputtinganyquestionsabouthers。Itwasevidentfromhisallusionsthathemeanttobeawayforsometime,andhepresentlyaskedherifshewouldgiveinstructionsaboutpackingandsendingafterhimsomewinterclotheshehadleftatGivre。Thisgavehertheopportunitytosaythatsheexpectedtogobackwithinadayortwoandwouldattendtothematterassoonasshereturned。Sheadded:"IcameupthismorningwithGeorge,whoisgoingontoLondonto—morrow,"intending,bytheuseofDarrow’sChristianname,togiveOwenthechancetospeakofhermarriage。Buthemadenocomment,andshecontinuedtohearthenamesoundingonunfamiliarlybetweenthem。
Theroomwasalmostdark,andshefinallystoodupandglancedaboutforthelight—switch,saying:"Ican’tseeyou,dear。"
"Oh,don’t——Ihatethelight!"Owenexclaimed,catchingherbythewristandpushingherbackintoherseat。Hegaveanervouslaughandadded:"I’mhalf—blindwithneuralgia。I
supposeit’sthisbeastlyrain。"
"Yes;itwilldoyougoodtogetdowntoSpain。"
Sheaskedifhehadtheremediesthedoctorhadgivenhimforapreviousattack,andonhisreplyingthathedidn’tknowwhathe’ddonewiththestuff,shesprangup,offeringtogotothechemist’s。Itwasarelieftohavesomethingtodoforhim,andsheknewfromhis"Oh,thanks——wouldyou?"thatitwasarelieftohimtohaveapretextfornotdetainingher。Hisnaturalimpulsewouldhavebeentodeclarethathedidn’twantanydrugs,andwouldbeallrightinnotime;andhisacquiescenceshowedherhowprofoundlyhefelttheuselessnessoftheirtryingtoprolongtheirtalk。Hisfacewasnownomorethanawhiteblurinthedusk,butshefeltitsindistinctnessasaveildrawnoverachingintensitiesofexpression。"Heknows……heknows……"shesaidtoherself,andwonderedwhetherthetruthhadbeenrevealedtohimbysomecorroborativefactorbythesheerforceofdivination。
Hehadrisenalso,andwasclearlywaitingforhertogo,andsheturnedtothedoor,saying:"I’llbebackinamoment。"
"Oh,don’tcomeupagain,please!"Hepaused,embarrassed。
"Imean——Imaynotbehere。I’vegottogoandpickupRempson,andseeaboutsomefinalthingswithhim。"
Shestoppedonthethresholdwithasinkingheart。Hemeantthistobetheirleave—taking,then——andhehadnotevenaskedherwhenshewastobemarried,orspokenofseeingheragainbeforeshesetoutfortheothersideoftheworld。
"Owen!"shecried,andturnedback。
Hestoodmutelybeforeherinthedimness。
"Youhaven’ttoldmehowlongyou’retobegone。"
"Howlong?Oh,yousee……that’srathervague……Ihatedefinitedates,youknow……"
Hepausedandshesawhedidnotmeantohelpherout。Shetriedtosay:"You’llbehereformywedding?"butcouldnotbringthewordstoherlips。Insteadshemurmured:"InsixweeksIshallbegoingtoo……"andherejoined,asifhehadexpectedtheannouncementandpreparedhisanswer:"Oh,bythattime,verylikely……"
"Atanyrate,Iwon’tsaygood—bye,"shestammered,feelingthetearsbeneathherveil。
"No,no;rathernot!"hedeclared;buthemadenomovement,andshewentupandthrewherarmsabouthim。"You’llwriteme,won’tyou?"
"Ofcourse,ofcourse————"
Herhandsslippeddownintohis,andforaminutetheyheldeachotherdumblyinthedarkness;thenhegaveavaguelaughandsaid:"It’sreallytimetolightup。"Hepressedtheelectricbuttonwithonehandwhilewiththeotherheopenedthedoor;andshepassedoutwithoutdaringtoturnback,lestthelightonhisfaceshouldshowherwhatshefearedtosee。