`WouldyouliketogototheReunionsaaltobeintroducedtotheotherladiesandgentlemen?'heasked,bendingforwardandsmiling,showinghislarge,strongteeth。Hisblueeyeswentquicklyfromonetotheother——
hewasnotquitesureofhisgroundwiththeseEnglishpeople。HewasunhappytoobecausehespokenoEnglishandhewasnotsurewhethertotryhisFrench。
`ShallwegototheReunionsaal,andbeintroducedtotheotherpeople?'
repeatedGerald,laughing。
Therewasamoment'shesitation。
`Isupposewe'dbetter——betterbreaktheice,'saidBirkin。
Thewomenrose,ratherflushed。AndtheWirt'sblack,beetle—like,broad—shoulderedfigurewentonignominiouslyinfront,towardsthenoise。Heopenedthedoorandusheredthefourstrangersintotheplay—room。
Instantlyasilencefell,aslightembarrassmentcameoverthecompany。
Thenewcomershadasenseofmanyblondfaceslookingtheirway。Then,thehostwasbowingtoashort,energetic—lookingmanwithlargemoustaches,andsayinginalowvoice:
`HerrProfessor,darfichvorstellen——'
TheHerrProfessorwaspromptandenergetic。HebowedlowtotheEnglishpeople,smiling,andbegantobeacomradeatonce。
`NehmendieHerrschaftenteilanunsererUnterhaltung?'hesaid,withavigoroussuavity,hisvoicecurlingupinthequestion。
ThefourEnglishpeoplesmiled,loungingwithanattentiveuneasinessinthemiddleoftheroom。Gerald,whowasspokesman,saidthattheywouldwillinglytakepartintheentertainment。GudrunandUrsula,laughing,excited,felttheeyesofallthemenuponthem,andtheyliftedtheirheadsandlookednowhere,andfeltroyal。
TheProfessorannouncedthenamesofthosepresent,sansceremonie。Therewasabowingtothewrongpeopleandtotherightpeople。Everybodywasthere,exceptthemanandwife。Thetwotall,clear—skinned,athleticdaughtersoftheprofessor,withtheirplain—cut,darkblueblousesandlodenskirts,theirratherlong,strongnecks,theirclearblueeyesandcarefullybandedhair,andtheirblushes,bowedandstoodback;thethreestudentsbowedverylow,inthehumblehopeofmakinganimpressionofextremegood—breeding;thentherewasathin,dark—skinnedmanwithfulleyes,anoddcreature,likeachild,andlikeatroll,quick,detached;
hebowedslightly;hiscompanion,alargefairyoungman,stylishlydressed,blushedtotheeyesandbowedverylow。
Itwasover。
`HerrLoerkewasgivingusarecitationintheColognedialect,'saidtheProfessor。
`Hemustforgiveusforinterruptinghim,'saidGerald,`weshouldlikeverymuchtohearit。'
Therewasinstantlyabowingandanofferingofseats。GudrunandUrsula,GeraldandBirkinsatinthedeepsofasagainstthewall。Theroomwasofnakedoiledpanelling,liketherestofthehouse。Ithadapiano,sofasandchairs,andacoupleoftableswithbooksandmagazines。Initscompleteabsenceofdecoration,saveforthebig,bluestove,itwascosyandpleasant。
HerrLoerkewasthelittlemanwiththeboyishfigure,andtheround,full,sensitive—lookinghead,andthequick,fulleyes,likeamouse's。
Heglancedswiftlyfromonetotheotherofthestrangers,andheldhimselfaloof。
`Pleasegoonwiththerecitation,'saidtheProfessor,suavely,withhisslightauthority。Loerke,whowassittinghunchedonthepianostool,blinkedanddidnotanswer。
`Itwouldbeagreatpleasure,'saidUrsula,whohadbeengettingthesentenceready,inGerman,forsomeminutes。
Then,suddenly,thesmall,unrespondingmanswungaside,towardshispreviousaudienceandbrokeforth,exactlyashehadbrokenoff;inacontrolled,mockingvoice,givinganimitationofaquarrelbetweenanoldColognewomanandarailwayguard。
Hisbodywasslightandunformed,likeaboy's,buthisvoicewasmature,sardonic,itsmovementhadtheflexibilityofessentialenergy,andofamockingpenetratingunderstanding。Gudruncouldnotunderstandawordofhismonologue,butshewasspell—bound,watchinghim。Hemustbeanartist,nobodyelsecouldhavesuchfineadjustmentandsingleness。TheGermansweredoubledupwithlaughter,hearinghisstrangedrollwords,hisdrollphrasesofdialect。Andinthemidstoftheirparoxysms,theyglancedwithdeferenceatthefourEnglishstrangers,theelect。GudrunandUrsulawereforcedtolaugh。Theroomrangwithshoutsoflaughter。
TheblueeyesoftheProfessor'sdaughterswereswimmingoverwithlaughter—tears,theirclearcheekswereflushedcrimsonwithmirth,theirfatherbrokeoutinthemostastonishingpealsofhilarity,thestudentsbowedtheirheadsontheirkneesinexcessofjoy。Ursulalookedroundamazed,thelaughterwasbubblingoutofherinvoluntarily。ShelookedatGudrun。Gudrunlookedather,andthetwosistersburstoutlaughing,carriedaway。Loerkeglancedatthemswiftly,withhisfulleyes。Birkinwassniggeringinvoluntarily。
GeraldCrichsaterect,withaglisteninglookofamusementonhisface。
Andthelaughtercrashedoutagain,inwildparoxysms,theProfessor'sdaughterswerereducedtoshakinghelplessness,theveinsoftheProfessor'sneckwereswollen,hisfacewaspurple,hewasstrangledinultimate,silentspasmsoflaughter。Thestudentswereshoutinghalf—articulatedwordsthattailedoffinhelplessexplosions。Thensuddenlytherapidpatteroftheartistceased,therewerelittlewhoopsofsubsidingmirth,UrsulaandGudrunwerewipingtheireyes,andtheProfessorwascryingloudly。
`Daswarausgezeichnet,daswarfamos——'
`Wirklichfamos,'echoedhisexhausteddaughters,faintly。
`Andwecouldn'tunderstandit,'criedUrsula。
`Ohleider,leider!'criedtheProfessor。
`Youcouldn'tunderstandit?'criedtheStudents,letlooseatlastinspeechwiththenewcomers。`Ja,dasistwirklichschade,dasistschade,gnadigeFrau。WissenSie——'
Themixturewasmade,thenewcomerswerestirredintotheparty,likenewingredients,thewholeroomwasalive。Geraldwasinhiselement,hetalkedfreelyandexcitedly,hisfaceglistenedwithastrangeamusement。
PerhapsevenBirkin,intheend,wouldbreakforth。Hewasshyandwithheld,thoughfullofattention。
Ursulawasprevailedupontosing`AnnieLowrie,'astheProfessorcalledit。Therewasahushofextremedeference。Shehadneverbeensoflatteredinherlife。Gudrunaccompaniedheronthepiano,playingfrommemory。
Ursulahadabeautifulringingvoice,butusuallynoconfidence,shespoiledeverything。Thiseveningshefeltconceitedanduntrammelled。Birkinwaswellinthebackground,sheshonealmostinreaction,theGermansmadeherfeelfineandinfallible,shewasliberatedintooverweeningself—confidence。
Shefeltlikeabirdflyingintheair,ashervoicesoaredout,enjoyingherselfextremelyinthebalanceandflightofthesong,likethemotionofabird'swingsthatisupinthewind,slidingandplayingontheair,sheplayedwithsentimentality,supportedbyrapturousattention。Shewasveryhappy,singingthatsongbyherself,fullofaconceitofemotionandpower,workinguponallthosepeople,anduponherself,exertingherselfwithgratification,givingimmeasurablegratificationtotheGermans。
Attheend,theGermanswerealltouchedwithadmiring,deliciousmelancholy,theypraisedherinsoft,reverentvoices,theycouldnotsaytoomuch。
`Wieschon,wieruhrend!Ach,dieSchottischenLieder,siehabensovielStimmung!AberdiegnadigeFrauhateinewunderbareStimme;
diegnadigeFrauistwirklicheineKunstlerin,aberwirklich!'
Shewasdilatedandbrilliant,likeaflowerinthemorningsun。ShefeltBirkinlookingather,asifhewerejealousofher,andherbreaststhrilled,herveinswereallgolden。Shewasashappyasthesunthathasjustopenedaboveclouds。Andeverybodyseemedsoadmiringandradiant,itwasperfect。
Afterdinnershewantedtogooutforaminute,tolookattheworld。
Thecompanytriedtodissuadeher——itwassoterriblycold。Butjusttolook,shesaid。
Theyallfourwrappedupwarmly,andfoundthemselvesinavague,unsubstantialoutdoorsofdimsnowandghostsofanupper—world,thatmadestrangeshadowsbeforethestars。Itwasindeedcold,bruisingly,frighteningly,unnaturallycold。Ursulacouldnotbelievetheairinhernostrils。Itseemedconscious,malevolent,purposiveinitsintensemurderouscoldness。
Yetitwaswonderful,anintoxication,asilenceofdim,unrealisedsnow,oftheinvisibleinterveningbetweenherandthevisible,betweenherandtheflashingstars。ShecouldseeOrionslopingup。Howwonderfulhewas,wonderfulenoughtomakeonecryaloud。
Andallaroundwasthiscradleofsnow,andtherewasfirmsnowunderfoot,thatstruckwithheavycoldthroughherboot—soles。Itwasnight,andsilence。
Sheimaginedshecouldhearthestars。Sheimagineddistinctlyshecouldhearthecelestial,musicalmotionofthestars,quitenearathand。Sheseemedlikeabirdflyingamongsttheirharmoniousmotion。
AndsheclungclosetoBirkin。Suddenlysherealisedshedidnotknowwhathewasthinking。Shedidnotknowwherehewasranging。
`Mylove!'shesaid,stoppingtolookathim。
Hisfacewaspale,hiseyesdark,therewasafaintsparkofstarlightonthem。Andhesawherfacesoftandupturnedtohim,verynear。Hekissedhersoftly。
`Whatthen?'heasked。
`Doyouloveme?'sheasked。
`Toomuch,'heansweredquietly。
Sheclungalittlecloser。
`Nottoomuch,'shepleaded。
`Fartoomuch,'hesaid,almostsadly。
`Anddoesitmakeyousad,thatIameverythingtoyou?'sheasked,wistful。Heheldherclosetohim,kissingher,andsaying,scarcelyaudible:
`No,butIfeellikeabeggar——Ifeelpoor。'
Shewassilent,lookingatthestarsnow。Thenshekissedhim。
`Don'tbeabeggar,'shepleaded,wistfully。`Itisn'tignominiousthatyouloveme。'
`Itisignominioustofeelpoor,isn'tit?'hereplied。
`Why?Whyshoulditbe?'sheasked。Heonlystoodstill,intheterriblycoldairthatmovedinvisiblyoverthemountaintops,foldingherroundwithhisarms。
`Icouldn'tbearthiscold,eternalplacewithoutyou,'hesaid。`I
couldn'tbearit,itwouldkillthequickofmylife。'
Shekissedhimagain,suddenly。
`Doyouhateit?'sheasked,puzzled,wondering。
`IfIcouldn'tcomeneartoyou,ifyouweren'there,Ishouldhateit。Icouldn'tbearit,'heanswered。
`Butthepeoplearenice,'shesaid。
`Imeanthestillness,thecold,thefrozeneternality,'hesaid。
Shewondered。Thenherspiritcamehometohim,nestlingunconsciousinhim。
`Yes,itisgoodwearewarmandtogether,'shesaid。
Andtheyturnedhomeagain。Theysawthegoldenlightsofthehotelglowingoutinthenightofsnow—silence,smallinthehollow,likeaclusterofyellowberries。Itseemedlikeabunchofsun—sparks,tinyandorangeinthemidstofthesnow—darkness。Behind,wasahighshadowofapeak,blottingoutthestars,likeaghost。
Theydrewneartotheirhome。Theysawamancomefromthedarkbuilding,withalightedlanternwhichswunggolden,andmadethathisdarkfeetwalkedinahaloofsnow。Hewasasmall,darkfigureinthedarkenedsnow。
Heunlatchedthedoorofanouthouse。Asmellofcows,hot,animal,almostlikebeef,cameoutontheheavilycoldair。Therewasaglimpseoftwocattleintheirdarkstalls,thenthedoorwasshutagain,andnotachinkoflightshowed。IthadremindedUrsulaagainofhome,oftheMarsh,ofherchildhood,andofthejourneytoBrussels,and,strangely,ofAntonSkrebensky。
Oh,God,couldonebearit,thispastwhichwasgonedowntheabyss?
Couldshebear,thatiteverhadbeen!Shelookedroundthissilent,upperworldofsnowandstarsandpowerfulcold。Therewasanotherworld,likeviewsonamagiclantern;TheMarsh,Cossethay,Ilkeston,litupwithacommon,unreallight。TherewasashadowyunrealUrsula,awholeshadow—playofanunreallife。Itwasasunreal,andcircumscribed,asamagic—lanternshow。Shewishedtheslidescouldallbebroken。Shewisheditcouldbegoneforever,likealantern—slidewhichwasbroken。Shewantedtohavenopast。Shewantedtohavecomedownfromtheslopesofheaventothisplace,withBirkin,nottohavetoiledoutofthemurkofherchildhoodandherupbringing,slowly,allsoiled。Shefeltthatmemorywasadirtytrickplayeduponher。Whatwasthisdecree,thatsheshould`remember'!
Whynotabathofpureoblivion,anewbirth,withoutanyrecollectionsorblemishofapastlife。ShewaswithBirkin,shehadjustcomeintolife,hereinthehighsnow,againstthestars。Whathadshetodowithparentsandantecedents?Sheknewherselfnewandunbegotten,shehadnofather,nomother,noanteriorconnections,shewasherself,pureandsilvery,shebelongedonlytotheonenesswithBirkin,aonenessthatstruckdeepernotes,soundingintotheheartoftheuniverse,theheartofreality,whereshehadneverexistedbefore。
EvenGudrunwasaseparateunit,separate,separate,havingnothingtodowiththisself,thisUrsula,inhernewworldofreality。Thatoldshadow—world,theactualityofthepast——ah,letitgo!Sherosefreeonthewingsofhernewcondition。
GudrunandGeraldhadnotcomein。Theyhadwalkedupthevalleystraightinfrontofthehouse,notlikeUrsulaandBirkin,ontothelittlehillattheright。Gudrunwasdrivenbyastrangedesire。Shewantedtoplungeonandon,tillshecametotheendofthevalleyofsnow。Thenshewantedtoclimbthewallofwhitefinality,climbover,intothepeaksthatspranguplikesharppetalsintheheartofthefrozen,mysteriousnaveloftheworld。Shefeltthatthere,overthestrangeblind,terriblewallofrockysnow,thereinthenavelofthemysticworld,amongthefinalclusterofpeaks,there,intheinfoldednavelofitall,washerconsummation。Ifshecouldbutcomethere,alone,andpassintotheinfoldednavelofeternalsnowandofuprising,immortalpeaksofsnowandrock,shewouldbeaonenesswithall,shewouldbeherselftheeternal,infinitesilence,thesleeping,timeless,frozencentreoftheAll。
Theywentbacktothehouse,totheReunionsaal。Shewascurioustoseewhatwasgoingon。Thementheremadeheralert,rousedhercuriosity。
Itwasanewtasteoflifeforher,theyweresoprostratebeforeher,yetsofulloflife。
Thepartywasboisterous;theyweredancingalltogether,dancingtheSchuhplatteln,theTyrolesedanceoftheclappinghandsandtossingthepartnerintheairatthecrisis。TheGermanswereallproficient——theywerefromMunichchiefly。Geraldalsowasquitepassable。Therewerethreezitherstwangingawayinacorner。Itwasasceneofgreatanimationandconfusion。TheProfessorwasinitiatingUrsulaintothedance,stamping,clapping,andswingingherhigh,withamazingforceandzest。WhenthecrisiscameevenBirkinwasbehavingmanfullywithoneoftheProfessor'sfresh,strongdaughters,whowasexceedinglyhappy。Everybodywasdancing,therewasthemostboisterousturmoil。
Gudrunlookedonwithdelight。Thesolidwoodenfloorresoundedtotheknockingheelsofthemen,theairquiveredwiththeclappinghandsandthezithermusic,therewasagoldendustaboutthehanginglamps。
Suddenlythedancefinished,Loerkeandthestudentsrushedouttobringindrinks。Therewasanexcitedclamourofvoices,aclinkingofmug—lids,agreatcryingof`Prosit——Prosit!'Loerkewaseverywhereatonce,likeagnome,suggestingdrinksforthewomen,makinganobscure,slightlyriskyjokewiththemen,confusingandmystifyingthewaiter。
HewantedverymuchtodancewithGudrun。Fromthefirstmomenthehadseenher,hewantedtomakeaconnectionwithher。Instinctivelyshefeltthis,andshewaitedforhimtocomeup。Butakindofsulkinesskepthimawayfromher,soshethoughthedislikedher。
`Willyouschuhplatteln,gnadigeFrau?'saidthelarge,fairyouth,Loerke'scompanion。Hewastoosoft,toohumbleforGudrun'staste。Butshewantedtodance,andthefairyouth,whowascalledLeitner,washandsomeenoughinhisuneasy,slightlyabjectfashion,ahumilitythatcoveredacertainfear。Sheacceptedhimasapartner。
Thezitherssoundedoutagain,thedancebegan。Geraldledthem,laughing,withoneoftheProfessor'sdaughters。Ursuladancedwithoneofthestudents,BirkinwiththeotherdaughteroftheProfessor,theProfessorwithFrauKramer,andtherestofthemendancedtogether,withquiteasmuchzestasiftheyhadhadwomenpartners。
BecauseGudrunhaddancedwiththewell—built,softyouth,hiscompanion,Loerke,wasmorepettishandexasperatedthanever,andwouldnotevennoticeherexistenceintheroom。Thispiquedher,butshemadeuptoherselfbydancingwiththeProfessor,whowasstrongasamature,well—seasonedbull,andasfullofcoarseenergy。Shecouldnotbearhim,critically,andyetsheenjoyedbeingrushedthroughthedance,andtossedupintotheair,onhiscoarse,powerfulimpetus。TheProfessorenjoyedittoo,heeyedherwithstrange,largeblueeyes,fullofgalvanicfire。Shehatedhimfortheseasoned,semi—paternalanimalismwithwhichheregardedher,butsheadmiredhisweightofstrength。
Theroomwaschargedwithexcitementandstrong,animalemotion。LoerkewaskeptawayfromGudrun,towhomhewantedtospeak,asbyahedgeofthorns,andhefeltasardonicruthlesshatredforthisyounglove—companion,Leitner,whowashispennilessdependent。Hemockedtheyouth,withanacidridicule,thatmadeLeitnerredinthefaceandimpotentwithresentment。
Gerald,whohadnowgotthedanceperfectly,wasdancingagainwiththeyoungeroftheProfessor'sdaughters,whowasalmostdyingofvirginexcitement,becauseshethoughtGeraldsohandsome,sosuperb。Hehadherinhispower,asifshewereapalpitatingbird,afluttering,flushing,bewilderedcreature。Anditmadehimsmile,assheshrankconvulsivelybetweenhishands,violently,whenhemustthrowherintotheair。Attheend,shewassoovercomewithprostrateloveforhim,thatshecouldscarcelyspeaksensiblyatall。
BirkinwasdancingwithUrsula。Therewereoddlittlefiresplayinginhiseyes,heseemedtohaveturnedintosomethingwickedandflickering,mocking,suggestive,quiteimpossible。Ursulawasfrightenedofhim,andfascinated。Clear,beforehereyes,asinavision,shecouldseethesardonic,licentiousmockeryofhiseyes,hemovedtowardsherwithsubtle,animal,indifferentapproach。Thestrangenessofhishands,whichcamequickandcunning,inevitablytothevitalplacebeneathherbreasts,and,liftingwithmocking,suggestiveimpulse,carriedherthroughtheairasifwithoutstrength,throughblackmagic,madeherswoonwithfear。Foramomentsherevolted,itwashorrible。Shewouldbreakthespell。Butbeforetheresolutionhadformedshehadsubmittedagain,yieldedtoherfear。Heknewallthetimewhathewasdoing,shecouldseeitinhissmiling,concentratedeyes。
Itwashisresponsibility,shewouldleaveittohim。
Whentheywerealoneinthedarkness,shefeltthestrange,licentiousnessofhimhoveringuponher。Shewastroubledandrepelled。Whyshouldheturnlikethis?
`Whatisit?'sheaskedindread。
Buthisfaceonlyglistenedonher,unknown,horrible。Andyetshewasfascinated。Herimpulsewastorepelhimviolently,breakfromthisspellofmockingbrutishness。Butshewastoofascinated,shewantedtosubmit,shewantedtoknow。Whatwouldhedotoher?
Hewassoattractive,andsorepulsiveatone。Thesardonicsuggestivitythatflickeredoverhisfaceandlookedfromhisnarrowedeyes,madeherwanttohide,tohideherselfawayfromhimandwatchhimfromsomewhereunseen。
`Whyareyoulikethis?'shedemandedagain,rousingagainsthimwithsuddenforceandanimosity。
Theflickeringfiresinhiseyesconcentratedashelookedintohereyes。Thenthelidsdroopedwithafaintmotionofsatiriccontempt。Thentheyroseagaintothesameremorselesssuggestivity。Andshegaveway,hemightdoashewould。Hislicentiousnesswasrepulsivelyattractive。
Buthewasself—responsible,shewouldseewhatitwas。
Theymightdoastheyliked——thissherealisedasshewenttosleep。
Howcouldanythingthatgaveonesatisfactionbeexcluded?Whatwasdegrading?
Whocared?Degradingthingswerereal,withadifferentreality。Andhewassounabashedandunrestrained。Wasn'titratherhorrible,amanwhocouldbesosoulfulandspiritual,nowtobeso——shebalkedatherownthoughtsandmemories:thensheadded——sobestial?Sobestial,theytwo!
——sodegraded!Shewinced。Butafterall,whynot?Sheexultedaswell。
Whynotbebestial,andgothewholeroundofexperience?Sheexultedinit。Shewasbestial。Howgooditwastobereallyshameful!Therewouldbenoshamefulthingshehadnotexperienced。Yetshewasunabashed,shewasherself。Whynot?Shewasfree,whenshekneweverything,andnodarkshamefulthingsweredeniedher。
Gudrun,whohadbeenwatchingGeraldintheReunionsaal,suddenlythought:
`Heshouldhaveallthewomenhecan——itishisnature。Itisabsurdtocallhimmonogamous——heisnaturallypromiscuous。Thatishisnature。'
Thethoughtcametoherinvoluntarily。Itshockedhersomewhat。ItwasasifshehadseensomenewMene!Mene!uponthewall。Yetitwasmerelytrue。Avoiceseemedtohavespokenittohersoclearly,thatforthemomentshebelievedininspiration。
`Itisreallytrue,'shesaidtoherselfagain。
Sheknewquitewellshehadbelieveditallalong。Sheknewitimplicitly。
Butshemustkeepitdark——almostfromherself。Shemustkeepitcompletelysecret。Itwasknowledgeforheralone,andscarcelyeventobeadmittedtoherself。
Thedeepresolveformedinher,tocombathim。Oneofthemmusttriumphovertheother。Whichshoulditbe?Hersoulsteeleditselfwithstrength。
Almostshelaughedwithinherself,atherconfidence。Itwokeacertainkeen,halfcontemptuouspity,tendernessforhim:shewassoruthless。
Everybodyretiredearly。TheProfessorandLoerkewentintoasmallloungetodrink。TheybothwatchedGudrungoalongthelandingbytherailingupstairs。
`EinschonesFrauenzimmer,'saidtheProfessor。
`Ja!'assertedLoerke,shortly。
Geraldwalkedwithhisqueer,longwolf—stepsacrossthebedroomtothewindow,stoopedandlookedout,thenroseagain,andturnedtoGudrun,hiseyessharpwithanabstractsmile。Heseemedverytalltoher,shesawtheglistenofhiswhitisheyebrows,thatmetbetweenhisbrows。
`Howdoyoulikeit?'hesaid。
Heseemedtobelaughinginsidehimself,quiteunconsciously。Shelookedathim。Hewasaphenomenontoher,notahumanbeing:asortofcreature,greedy。
`Ilikeitverymuch,'shereplied。
`Whodoyoulikebestdownstairs?'heasked,standingtallandglisteningaboveher,withhisglisteningstiffhairerect。
`WhodoIlikebest?'sherepeated,wantingtoanswerhisquestion,andfindingitdifficulttocollectherself。`WhyIdon'tknow,Idon'tknowenoughaboutthemyet,tobeabletosay。Whodoyoulikebest?'
`Oh,Idon'tcare——Idon'tlikeordislikeanyofthem。Itdoesn'tmatteraboutme。Iwantedtoknowaboutyou。'
`Butwhy?'sheasked,goingratherpale。Theabstract,unconscioussmileinhiseyeswasintensified。
`Iwantedtoknow,'hesaid。
Sheturnedaside,breakingthespell。Insomestrangeway,shefelthewasgettingpoweroverher。
`Well,Ican'ttellyoualready,'shesaid。
Shewenttothemirrortotakeoutthehairpinsfromherhair。Shestoodbeforethemirroreverynightforsomeminutes,brushingherfinedarkhair。Itwaspartoftheinevitableritualofherlife。
Hefollowedher,andstoodbehindher。Shewasbusywithbenthead,takingoutthepinsandshakingherwarmhairloose。Whenshelookedup,shesawhimintheglassstandingbehindher,watchingunconsciously,notconsciouslyseeingher,andyetwatching,withfinepupilledeyesthatseemedtosmile,andwhichwerenotreallysmiling。
Shestarted。Ittookallhercourageforhertocontinuebrushingherhair,asusual,forhertopretendshewasatherease。Shewasfar,farfrombeingathereasewithhim。Shebeatherbrainswildlyforsomethingtosaytohim。
`Whatareyourplansfortomorrow?'sheaskednonchalantly,whilstherheartwasbeatingsofuriously,hereyesweresobrightwithstrangenervousness,shefelthecouldnotbutobserve。Butsheknewalsothathewascompletelyblind,blindasawolflookingather。Itwasastrangebattlebetweenherordinaryconsciousnessandhisuncanny,black—artconsciousness。
`Idon'tknow,'hereplied,`whatwouldyouliketodo?'
Hespokeemptily,hismindwassunkaway。
`Oh,'shesaid,witheasyprotestation,`I'mreadyforanything——anythingwillbefineforme,I'msure。'
Andtoherselfshewassaying:`God,whyamIsonervous——whyareyousonervous,youfool。IfheseesitI'mdoneforforever——youknowyou'redoneforforever,ifheseestheabsurdstateyou'rein。'
Andshesmiledtoherselfasifitwereallchild'splay。Meanwhileherheartwasplunging,shewasalmostfainting。Shecouldseehim,inthemirror,ashestoodtherebehindher,tallandover—arching——blondandterriblyfrightening。Sheglancedathisreflectionwithfurtiveeyes,willingtogiveanythingtosavehimfromknowingshecouldseehim。Hedidnotknowshecouldseehisreflection。Hewaslookingunconsciously,glisteninglydownatherhead,fromwhichthehairfellloose,asshebrusheditwithwild,nervoushand。Sheheldherheadasideandbrushedandbrushedherhairmadly。Forherlife,shecouldnotturnroundandfacehim。Forherlife,shecouldnot。Andtheknowledgemadeheralmostsinktothegroundinafaint,helpless,spent。Shewasawareofhisfrightening,impendingfigurestandingclosebehindher,shewasawareofhishard,strong,unyieldingchest,closeuponherback。Andshefeltshecouldnotbearitanymore,inafewminutesshewouldfalldownathisfeet,grovellingathisfeet,andlettinghimdestroyher。
Thethoughtprickedupallhersharpintelligenceandpresenceofmind。
Shedarednotturnroundtohim——andtherehestoodmotionless,unbroken。
Summoningallherstrength,shesaid,inafull,resonant,nonchalantvoice,thatwasforcedoutwithallherremainingself—control:
`Oh,wouldyoumindlookinginthatbagbehindthereandgivingmemy——'
Hereherpowerfellinert。`Mywhat——mywhat——?'shescreamedinsilencetoherself。
Buthehadstartedround,surprisedandstartledthatsheshouldaskhimtolookinherbag,whichshealwayskeptsoveryprivatetoherself。
Sheturnednow,herfacewhite,herdarkeyesblazingwithuncanny,overwroughtexcitement。Shesawhimstoopingtothebag,undoingthelooselybuckledstrap,unattentive。
`Yourwhat?'heasked。
`Oh,alittleenamelbox——yellow——withadesignofacormorantpluckingherbreast——'
Shewenttowardshim,stoopingherbeautiful,barearm,anddeftlyturnedsomeofherthings,disclosingthebox,whichwasexquisitelypainted。
`Thatisit,see,'shesaid,takingitfromunderhiseyes。
Andhewasbafflednow。Hewaslefttofastenupthebag,whilstsheswiftlydidupherhairforthenight,andsatdowntounfastenhershoes。
Shewouldnotturnherbacktohimanymore。
Hewasbaffled,frustrated,butunconscious。Shehadthewhiphandoverhimnow。Sheknewhehadnotrealisedherterriblepanic。Herheartwasbeatingheavilystill。Fool,foolthatshewas,togetintosuchastate!
HowshethankedGodforGerald'sobtuseblindness。ThankGodhecouldseenothing。
Shesatslowlyunlacinghershoes,andhetoocommencedtoundress。
ThankGodthatcrisiswasover。Shefeltalmostfondofhimnow,almostinlovewithhim。
`Ah,Gerald,'shelaughed,caressively,teasingly,`Ah,whatafinegameyouplayedwiththeProfessor'sdaughter——didn'tyounow?'
`Whatgame?'heasked,lookinground。
`Isn'tsheinlovewithyou——ohdear,isn'tsheinlovewithyou!'saidGudrun,inhergayest,mostattractivemood。
`Ishouldn'tthinkso,'hesaid。
`Shouldn'tthinkso!'sheteased。`Whythepoorgirlislyingatthismomentoverwhelmed,dyingwithloveforyou。Shethinksyou'rewonderful——ohmarvellous,beyondwhatmanhaseverbeen。Really,isn'titfunny?'
`Whyfunny,whatisfunny?'heasked。
`Whytoseeyouworkingitonher,'shesaid,withahalfreproachthatconfusedthemaleconceitinhim。`ReallyGerald,thepoorgirl——!'
`Ididnothingtoher,'hesaid。
`Oh,itwastooshameful,thewayyousimplysweptheroffherfeet。'
`ThatwasSchuhplatteln,'hereplied,withabrightgrin。
`Ha——ha——ha!'laughedGudrun。